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2:13

Bad Dates listeners, this is Kyle McGraw,

2:15

producer and editor at Smartlist Media. We've

2:17

got another staff pick for you this

2:19

week and I'm so glad it's my

2:22

turn because this episode truly is one

2:24

of my favorites. Jeff Hiller, Ian Fiedance

2:26

and Jordan Jensen were absolutely hysterical. I

2:29

was cracking up the entire time we

2:31

were recording. The banter and the back

2:33

and forth between Jordan and Ian and

2:35

Jeff just sitting back watching this chaos

2:38

unfold. It's just something about it

2:40

just against me every single time I listen to it. And I

2:42

hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do. Here we go.

2:45

Let's get messy. I snuck a man through my window the other

2:47

day and I took him. Why did you have

2:49

to sneak him in through your window? Because

2:51

he's friends with my roommate. Wait, you had

2:53

sacked that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How

2:56

was it? I went that way. It was fine.

2:58

Wait, you needed it to be so secret that

3:00

he climbed through the window but you're just blaring

3:03

it on podcasts now? We

3:05

are. I already told the roommate. I just thought it

3:07

would be fun to sneak him in through the window. I thought that would be harder

3:09

for me. I really needed to increase the heat of

3:12

the situation because the person wasn't bringing a lot

3:14

of it. Oh my God. I really hope he doesn't

3:16

want to do it. Oh my God. I really hope

3:18

he doesn't want to do it. Oh my God. Oh

3:20

my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

3:23

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh

3:25

my God. Yes. Jordan

3:28

and Ian. Hello and welcome to Bad

3:30

Dates. Hello. Thanks

3:33

for having us. Hi. It's so nice to see you

3:35

all. I'm a massive fan of all of you. I

3:37

continue to be quite starstruck on this podcast. I

3:40

think you're all fucking brilliant and I can't

3:42

quite believe you're here. Ian and Jordan, you

3:44

guys have been friends for how long now

3:46

because you have a podcast together. How

3:49

long have you been here? I've been here for about a week

3:51

now and I've been here for about 30 years now. So, I

3:53

mean, there's been a lot of people in Australia who have been

3:55

working with you for how long since you've been

3:57

back? Mm-mm. Seven. Six. You

4:00

have all the dirt on each other correct you'll

4:02

be able to correct one if one starts lying.

4:05

Oh, yeah Yeah,

4:08

I already lied I said eight years she called

4:10

me out it was I'm

4:15

gonna call BS too even though. I don't know y'all I'm just

4:17

gonna do it Let's

4:19

get messy bitch Okay

4:25

Okay, well, I really appreciate you being

4:27

here This is where everyone

4:29

gets to let their freak flag fly when

4:31

it comes to Everything that they have

4:34

done or been through on the road to love shagging

4:36

or both. I have had Less

4:40

experience and most Regrettably and

4:42

it's nice of me to be able to

4:44

learn from everyone else as to what it

4:46

is like out in the wild Jeff

4:49

I'm gonna ask you first before we

4:51

get started. How do you feel about dating?

4:54

How do you feel that you are as a date? What's it like to

4:56

date you? Oh I

4:59

don't think I'm very good at it. I think But

5:03

I do think that people know if

5:07

They're wanting to continue to date with

5:09

me very immediately But when I was

5:11

dating people would be like I'm

5:14

out within like five minutes of me coming

5:16

into the restaurant I

5:20

mean it just means I'm an acquired taste Yeah,

5:23

bring the bell would they'd leave

5:25

in like a fairly early into being

5:28

there that's fucking crazy Oh, they like

5:30

before you order to drink. Yeah I

5:33

mean that's a bit too that's too harsh It's too honest, but

5:35

it was also nice to not have your time fucking wasted and

5:37

have you go and spend a bunch of money Do you know

5:39

I mean it's efficient Absolutely.

5:42

Why why is that? Are you walking in

5:44

and you can hear you and speak English? What

5:47

is that is that because you're walking in

5:49

and they're like is that Jeff and you're

5:51

like hey, I'm Jeff and they're like Okay,

5:53

no, thank you. Like what is no

5:56

he you cut the date off. No,

5:58

no, they did they cut day off. Why

6:01

do you think that is? Ian,

6:03

I think it's because I was...

6:05

Just sticks out. Oh, yeah. Yeah,

6:07

they were casually just out

6:09

of the slaps. And it was

6:12

my ear. It was out of my ear. So people were like,

6:14

we're... We call that a

6:16

Delaware hello. We're on set. Delaware.

6:20

I love it. This is

6:22

a harsh Delaware. Well,

6:25

I just... The Delaware,

6:27

hello. It's too much. I

6:32

think it's because I was dating on not

6:34

even apps. It was pre-apps, but it was like

6:37

websites. And I think I had

6:39

curated my photos perhaps too well. I

6:43

think they just knew they couldn't handle you, Jeff. Yeah.

6:46

Also, I think I read tiny, but

6:48

I'm very big. Like in a photo,

6:50

I think I look small, but then I show up and

6:52

I'm six foot five. And it's a lot. I

6:54

have the same thing. Everyone is horrified by how

6:57

large I am. Oh,

7:00

look at you two bragging about being able

7:02

to... Oh, what's it like down there? How's

7:04

the weather, Ian? See easily at concerts.

7:06

Are you kidding me? Yeah,

7:09

but being despised by everyone at concerts. Exactly.

7:11

It's not as easy as you think it

7:14

is. And they're positive. How tall are you guys? Six...

7:16

How tall are you? Six five. I'm

7:18

five eleven. Yeah. Wow, five eleven is tall. I'm

7:20

five nine. I would climb both of you like

7:22

a spider monkey. And I would let you, Ian.

7:24

Yeah. I would fucking let you. Jab ladder, dude.

7:26

I wouldn't say that. I actually would not say

7:28

that. You could climb me like I'll be your

7:30

tree. Leave me the tree, Ian. So,

7:32

Jordan, I've been a big

7:35

fan of you now this whole year

7:37

after watching a video of yours that

7:39

went viral in which you told an audience that

7:41

you used to sleep with your stepbrother and it's

7:43

one of the funniest videos. I slept with him one

7:45

time. OK. You slept with him one time. But I

7:47

would have done it more, but we live in different states. One

7:52

time. I was instantly obsessed with

7:54

you, as was, I think, the entire internet. I

7:57

have sent that to about 90 different.

8:00

all of whom are deeply jealous of

8:02

that bit, that performance, but they're free

8:04

to go on through all of

8:07

your content. And I feel like you just, there's

8:09

no fucking where you won't go,

8:11

Jordan. And so therefore I'm thrilled

8:13

to learn what your dating life is like.

8:15

How do you feel about dating? Do you

8:17

enjoy it? Oh,

8:20

well, I have a

8:22

bad dating life. I'm

8:25

very bad at it. I choose poorly. And

8:29

I reject very sweet, nice, compassionate people.

8:31

And I only go for insane assholes

8:34

who hate me. If you hate me, we're

8:37

dating, you know? If you like me, then

8:39

it's disgusting. No, I understand that.

8:41

I understand that, that's fair. Ian, what about you?

8:44

I feel like you seem like a fun date. You

8:47

know, I'm a bit too

8:49

fun because you like me, you

8:52

like me because I'm fun and I'm wild. And

8:54

you never know what'll happen. Is

8:57

this a voice that you do when you're on the date? Well,

8:59

listen, if you date me intimately and you're

9:02

my girlfriend, I will talk to you like

9:04

you are my cat. And

9:06

that becomes a problem where I come

9:08

in the house and I go, you

9:10

are my girlfriend, la, la, la, la. It's

9:13

true, it's true. And no one likes it, no

9:15

one likes it. People like it for a bit.

9:17

That's the thing, I'm good in small doses. And

9:21

when you date me, I've come to

9:23

realize the best way to

9:25

be in like a fully intimate,

9:27

loving, committed relationship is to never

9:29

fully be myself. Hey. Ian,

9:40

your stories are called Why Some

9:42

People Can Drink and Others Can't,

9:44

which is the most amazing biography

9:46

title ever. Oh, that's a good idea,

9:49

thank you. Here. Yeah,

9:53

I mean, I would love to have you write

9:55

the foreword of that biography, but I

9:58

never had a good. nothing

10:01

good ever happened when I drank. Like

10:03

one time I woke up in a guy's

10:06

bed, I didn't know how I got there

10:08

and he was like an Australian man and

10:10

I was like how'd I end up here?

10:12

And he goes well in a pizza shop

10:14

you bet me that I couldn't fuck you

10:16

in the ass for a slice of pizza

10:18

and I go did you fuck me in

10:20

the ass? He goes no you came back

10:22

and passed out like a naked-suck pig. And

10:24

I was like well you owe me a

10:26

slice of pizza! When

10:29

you said he was Australian I thought you were

10:31

gonna be like turns out I was in Australia!

10:33

Like you had blacked out and got on a plane! 24 hours!

10:37

Instead of waking up in another

10:39

state or country I would just

10:41

wake up in another person, in

10:43

another person! I

10:45

think I was in another country because I had

10:47

an accident but it just turns out I was living

10:50

a degenerative life. So there's

10:52

a time where you showed up on

10:55

acid? Oh yeah yeah

10:58

years ago you know when you

11:00

have like a day off and you don't think

11:02

anything's gonna happen so you're like why don't I

11:04

dose myself with a heraculin amount of acid and

11:06

go to the park? And

11:09

so I did that and this girl I

11:11

met was like I'm in your neighborhood meet

11:13

up with me and I was like oh

11:15

no! So I got-

11:18

So I went? So you went? Yeah

11:20

yeah yeah I went! You're skipping steps!

11:22

How did you meet her and why

11:24

did you make the decision to go

11:26

from oh no to okay? Because

11:29

I met her after a show and

11:31

she was like into me and then she told

11:33

me she had a kid and my life was

11:35

a mess and I was like well maybe I

11:38

just need to be a father. You

11:41

had the acid? I'm like maybe I need to be

11:43

a tree on acid. So

11:46

I showed up to this this

11:49

impromptu date and she's reading the

11:51

New York Times obituary section at

11:53

like when I get there and she's

11:56

like oh I love reading obituaries it's

11:58

so interesting to read about people's lives. Oh,

12:00

what a manic pixie dream girl

12:02

move. That's so annoying. That's fucking

12:04

annoying State

12:08

Natalie Portman bitch. Yeah,

12:10

yeah picked off every

12:12

box for me So

12:15

I I was like, oh I'm into this and

12:17

then when she started talking I was like,

12:19

what if she reads my obituary and like

12:21

the wall started melting behind her But I

12:24

sounded I kept thinking she was gonna I

12:26

was dead and she was gonna like read

12:28

my obituary and be like Like you know

12:30

at the end of Beetlejuice when they all

12:32

the dead people show up in the waiting

12:34

room and then I thought Yes,

12:37

I thought that I she was gonna

12:39

like let me know you've been dead this whole time

12:42

So this is going on in my brain

12:44

and like my reality is unfolding but out

12:46

loud I sounded so cool cuz I go

12:49

why you put that paper away and let's

12:51

say we get out of here and she

12:53

was like Yeah, let's go and I was

12:55

like, whoo So, you know,

12:58

I don't know if you guys have ever done acid, but when

13:00

you enter a new space It's like opening

13:02

up a new part of the world and

13:05

like when we walked outside She

13:07

immediately goes what's the worst

13:09

thing that's ever happened to you? I hate

13:12

so much. I'm sorry Sucked

13:15

this routine of the day

13:17

the performance of Indie movie

13:19

starring Zoe Deschanel's making me just want to

13:21

scream. Sorry. Go on I mean

13:23

you also sound like a fucking mess on this

13:25

scenario Camila

13:29

I was an insane person.

13:31

That's why I stopped doing

13:34

drugs and drinking Amazingly

13:40

you still have more stories.

13:42

Oh, I was on like

13:44

my last run of drinking my

13:46

I Was doing

13:48

coke on a Metro card waiting to get

13:51

into a bar And some girl showed up

13:53

and was like can I have some and

13:55

I was like Okay,

13:58

so I shared it with her Like let's

14:00

go to another bar. I always get drinks

14:03

for free and I was like my kind

14:05

of gas. So we get in this bar

14:07

and I swear to god the second we

14:09

walk in the bartender goes Michelle get out

14:12

and I was like white and she's like

14:14

the yeah I would I got kicked out

14:16

I am bank as I would always steel

14:19

drinks so her idea of free drinks was

14:21

stealing drinks and dinner with my last season

14:23

ice on it. Went to another bar and

14:25

I blacked out. I came to and we

14:28

were both naked in the bathroom doing. Coke

14:30

and I was like ah shit why

14:32

are we so nice kids and then

14:34

we put our clothes on to go

14:36

back to my place and then she

14:38

hits me with i'm kind of inbetween

14:41

places right now can I stay here

14:43

and know was like I mean. Obviously

14:46

Yeah, right there are, you don't

14:49

leave issue last and then. Isn't

14:51

kind of sad. Saw my roommate sell me

14:54

drinking whiskey bar and a dancer and then

14:56

I just like blacked out again and came

14:58

through. Your nose is bleeding out of my

15:00

nose doing coke and I was like there's

15:02

this, there's Gabi behind the dumpster voters I

15:05

didn't wanna see all that was your last

15:07

night drinking. Or no

15:09

way. I really feel good

15:11

that last day of during

15:13

the last. Yes,

15:18

I've been sober eight years

15:20

since. God. God willing if

15:23

I do demar what he did today,

15:25

I'll get another day and it's been

15:27

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betterhelp.com/bad dates. Jordan,

18:00

you are in fact up. You have a

18:02

story called The Gayest Straight

18:04

Girl. Um,

18:07

that is my cross... I was

18:09

raised by lesbians. So

18:11

I don't really know how to be anything but

18:13

a lesbian, but I like men. Okay, so there

18:15

was this guy who I worked for. This

18:18

is crazy. I put an addition on this guy's

18:20

house and he was very annoying about it because

18:22

my name's Jordan, right? So I changed

18:24

my business name to Lady Parts Carpentry so that

18:26

people would know I was a woman because before

18:29

this they would call me and I

18:31

would show up and I'd be a woman and they

18:33

would feel emasculated but they didn't want to unhire me

18:35

so they'd be like, okay. But then this one guy

18:37

would just follow me around. The whole time I

18:39

was building this addition he would just be trying

18:41

to help me out, fucking things up. I would

18:43

have to undo it. And then like, his wife

18:45

comes in, I meet the wife, she kind of was

18:48

okay. I felt bad for her because she had to

18:50

be married to this guy. Anyway, and then

18:52

a few weeks later he emails

18:54

me. He goes, oh, I'm glad that you're a

18:56

female carpenter so I don't have to worry about

18:59

you fucking my wife, right? And I was like,

19:01

yeah, but I am like finger banging all of

19:03

your candies and snacks and jam jars, right?

19:05

And then like a month later

19:08

he emails me and he's like, me

19:11

and my wife want to invite you back and

19:13

we were wondering if you wanted to have a threesome

19:16

with us. And I was like so

19:18

livid at this point at how inappropriate it was that I

19:20

wrote back having a threesome with you and your wife is

19:22

going to be the same feeling as putting an addition on

19:24

your house. You're going to follow us around with your shitty

19:26

little tool trying to help us out, pretend to know what

19:28

you're doing. And I was like, given your wife is going

19:31

to be like the addition, I'll be the one to finish

19:33

to build it up and I'll be the one to

19:35

finish it off. Okay. And then we also didn't talk

19:38

to Michelle Weber again.

19:43

That's the greatest possible answer

19:45

you could have given. Did you think

19:47

it was like topless mates when

19:50

he hired you? I think he thought that

19:52

that's a good idea. Topless

19:54

women construction workers. I think

19:56

it's not a great idea. power

20:00

tools. No, because with the maze, it's like

20:02

you've got mops, you've got flannels, like it's

20:04

different. It's different. I think with a power

20:07

saw, don't have your

20:09

tits out. I think, you know, call

20:11

me old fashioned, Ian. So I think it

20:13

would jiggle them in a not cute

20:15

way. I think it would jiggle them in like that. No,

20:18

I think it's always a cute way, but I still think it's

20:20

dangerous. Yeah. Did you get a lot of men creeping on you

20:22

then, Jordan, when you're doing that job? The

20:24

most creepy I get is outside of

20:27

the jobs. Like if I like walking

20:29

from truck to

20:31

job with nail bag on, I

20:33

mean, people just lose their minds.

20:35

They cannot believe that they see a lady with a

20:38

nail bag on. A lot of people scream, you

20:40

got balls, which is really annoying to me.

20:42

Not because like I'm a woman, but I

20:44

just think it's stupid to quit testicles

20:47

with a nail bag. Yeah. That doesn't help at

20:49

all. Testicles don't. It's like saying to a cop,

20:52

you know, you have like a dream journal. It doesn't make any

20:54

sense. You

20:56

should embarrass them. You

20:59

know what I mean? I

21:02

can't. It doesn't

21:04

make any sense. So then tell me

21:07

about your hinge date. I

21:09

really didn't even like that guy this much. He was

21:11

very like... Why? Because he was nice

21:13

to you? Well, because he kept talking about that. This

21:15

is the Venice Biennale guy. He kept talking about the

21:17

Venice Biennale and I didn't know what that was, but

21:20

it's like an art show in Italy. But I had just been

21:22

to the Whitney Biennale. So that was like fresh in my mind.

21:24

And he was like the Biennale. And I was like, are you

21:26

trying to say the word Biennale by

21:28

any chance? And then he was

21:31

like, that's in English and Italian. The word is

21:33

Biennale. And I did not say this

21:35

out loud in my stand up. I say that I

21:37

say that out loud, but I started like sweating. My

21:39

pupils got heat. I started panicking and I thought that

21:41

we had been speaking Italian to each other. And

21:46

the mushrooms had like tapped

21:48

into something that I didn't know

21:51

that I had. And I was

21:53

freaking out. It was crazy. And

21:56

then we went thinking that

21:58

you were speaking a different all

22:00

the time. It's so funny while

22:02

still trying to be like cute

22:04

on a date. Yeah, like are

22:06

you talking about the Whitney? Yeah,

22:08

totally. Meanwhile on your head you're

22:10

just using Fable and Google Translate.

22:12

My head is just WAAH! And

22:15

then we go back to,

22:18

we go back to his place. He

22:21

lived like around the corner from me and

22:24

he had the same truck as me. That's what I

22:26

remember because he had, I thought

22:29

that he was my height because he

22:31

had the same truck as me and there was a picture

22:33

of him with his

22:35

truck. But turns out he had like a Toyota

22:37

from like 89 as

22:40

opposed to like, I had like a 98.

22:43

So his was like, that's a big difference. So he had

22:45

like a tiny truck and he was a tiny man,

22:47

okay? But it just looks from the

22:50

photo that we were the same size. So then when he showed

22:52

up on the date, he was like walking towards me and

22:54

I was tripping out because I was like, he needs

22:56

to be getting bigger. Like he has, like my depth

22:58

perception was, like he should be getting bigger. Oh, you

23:00

had a club so he was a bit smaller than

23:02

you. You just thought that you were an Italian woman

23:04

who'd lost her. A drunk man.

23:07

That was in a tiny world. A tiny,

23:09

tiny man. Yeah. A

23:12

tiny man. And

23:15

then, and then,

23:17

okay anyway, we were hooking up and

23:19

we were having mushroom sex, which is the sex

23:21

that you have when you're just like mashing, right?

23:23

You're just like going at it and

23:25

he went shut up. He

23:28

went to, what did he do? Oh

23:30

yeah, he pulled me on top of him and I

23:32

am very bad at going on top. I really hate

23:34

doing it. I'm very insecure. Same, same, same, same,

23:36

same. Really? Oh, that's weird. Yeah, yeah. The fucking

23:38

worst. The fucking worst. And reverse half-belt makes me

23:41

want to kill myself. I, yeah, all of it.

23:43

You were on top of this man having mashed

23:45

sex, mashed room sex. Oh yeah. He tried to

23:47

pull me on top of him. I put up

23:49

the resistance, which is like when you take a

23:51

dog away from a tree. You know what I mean? And they're like, ehh,

23:54

like that. Like this. You know? And

23:56

then I just was like, fuck it. Just go for it.

23:59

You're on mushrooms. Who cares? You're never gonna see this

24:01

person again, and then I went for it and my

24:03

knee went right to his drywall. I Was

24:07

like I truly Did

24:10

not think about it. I just immediately was

24:13

like oh, don't worry about it. I have spackle in my

24:15

truck and You

24:18

could tell that he had been like sitting on this question for a

24:20

while and he was like, are you sure you're not gay and I

24:25

It was like I sobered up immediately. I

24:27

was so mad I think I

24:29

didn't I remember because I had a t-shirt on

24:31

because I'm insecure but I had no pants around

24:34

around So I was just standing up poo-bearing

24:36

it just furious and

24:38

I remember I was just so mad and I was

24:41

like dude I just had your dick

24:43

in my mouth for like a while. I was like,

24:45

yeah, that's right. I was like, okay So maybe

24:47

you know look in the mirror and

24:49

he was like and I thought I remember being like he's gonna get

24:51

it when I Say look in the mirror and he's like why

24:53

why should I look in the mirror? And I was like cuz

24:55

you're the one fucking the handyman. Are you gay? But

25:01

that is how I feel I'm like dude you're the

25:03

one fucking the guy that you think is a dude

25:05

Yeah, who wants to fuck women your you have to

25:08

fix his wall. No fucking way.

25:10

No fucking way No,

25:12

I'm he's like I didn't punch it again You've

25:16

got the tools in your hands to take his whole fucking house The

25:20

good thing is you don't have a lot of strong feelings about

25:22

it afterwards children Yes

25:27

therapy is really working I do

25:29

hate that though I hate the like

25:32

am I Every

25:34

boyfriend I've ever had is like I'm worried

25:36

that you're gonna become a lesbian and I'm

25:38

like I feel every fucking girl knows I

25:41

suck cock and they're like You're faking the

25:43

funk but the set the stereotypes are really

25:45

fucking real because I am I was always like a tomboy

25:54

at school and into my

25:57

20s and have never had like lot meant very

25:59

many like girly Attributes,

26:02

I guess my whole life and

26:04

so it is really weird to get like pigeonholed

26:06

as to who it is that you must be

26:08

and Be told that you don't know

26:10

who you are yet because you don't fit into their

26:13

stereotype of like what it is that you're supposed to

26:15

be It's very not

26:17

I drive a motorcycle And I don't have it

26:19

like I don't have a drill in my house

26:21

in my car that I could you know

26:23

Fuck everything up with after that's not lesbian.

26:25

That's just something Know how to do but

26:28

every one of you that you have yeah

26:30

to take them Yeah, I should teach my

26:32

mom teaches women how to build and she says

26:34

it is the most Infurating

26:36

thing in the entire world because

26:39

women are so lacking in like a hand-eye

26:42

coordination thing Well, yeah, we can't even

26:44

finish a story. I can't imagine It

26:47

would be easy If

26:50

you didn't interrupt me every two seconds with

26:52

your sad fucking a shit You

26:56

didn't shut up Jordan

26:59

thank you so much for these fucking wild and

27:02

insane stories. You're a trooper and you do sound

27:04

like a very fun date Hello,

27:13

I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm Elna Baker and

27:15

we have a new podcast. It's called pretty sure I

27:17

can fly Yeah We've teamed up with my

27:19

friends and bar mates from smart list to

27:21

create a podcast where we talk to folks

27:23

who have more balls In Ebola now people

27:25

who accomplished something extraordinary despite people telling

27:28

them that it couldn't or shouldn't be

27:30

done You'll hear stories about the Air Force daughter

27:32

who buckled into a 600 mile

27:34

per hour rocket sled and became the fastest man on

27:36

the planet And a man

27:38

who wrestled alligators and sharks for fun

27:42

You'll hear about a foul-mouthed moonshiner Got a

27:44

two-inch deck and a six inch tongue and

27:46

knows how to use both that And

27:49

an even more foul-mouthed female stunt pilot.

27:52

We got bull riders, balloonists, bob-flutters and

27:54

big wave surfers People who lay their

27:56

balls on an anvil and hand the

27:58

other fella the hand Okay, I

28:01

bet you've actually done that Johnny. Maybe for sweet

28:04

Follow pretty sure I can play on the wonder reaper

28:06

wherever you get your podcast You can listen to pretty

28:08

sure I can fly early and ad free right now

28:11

on when dreamless And

28:16

we're back Jeff you are

28:18

up now with first-day Swiss

28:20

arou What

28:24

happens I okay well I

28:28

When I was first in New York, I was an

28:30

actor in a non-equity play and the

28:32

play was called slut Cuz

28:36

class and you are

28:39

demanding pixie dream girl here you're aware of that

28:48

I I had

28:51

a showman, you know, which is just like I

28:53

hooked up with somebody in the cast and I

28:57

I like immediately

28:59

loved him and He

29:02

was exactly my type which is willing

29:05

to kiss me And

29:12

He was like Like

29:15

I don't know kind of like cute and like cool

29:17

and like You know like

29:19

sort of didn't talk to me

29:21

much so like it was one of those things where

29:23

you could like place what you believe is happening on

29:25

to him and and

29:27

and and then you believe it so I

29:30

don't know I was like we're we're

29:33

in love we're gonna we're

29:35

gonna have kids together or whatever and But

29:38

also like we had never gone on a date or anything we

29:40

had just Like

29:42

not even gone home with each other just

29:44

like in bars you

29:46

know doing hand and mouth stuff in the stall, you

29:49

know that kind of thing and Yeah

29:53

We are more comfortable doing it than you are talking

29:55

about it right now. Yes.

29:57

Yes. I am yes Ian's

30:00

middle name hand and mouth stuff in a bar. Yeah,

30:02

yeah. Because you know in the moment you're like,

30:04

yeah, let's do this. But then when you're accounting

30:06

it, you're like, do I sound gross? I don't

30:08

want everybody to like imagine me doing this right

30:10

now. I've heard the stories from this podcast.

30:12

Touche, touche. I'm hard. Enough

30:15

with the shyness. Okay. All

30:17

we did was oral installs on

30:20

each other, not just me on

30:22

him either. And

30:24

You're a true gentleman. Good to hear.

30:27

And a brag. I got some

30:29

too. Anyway, so he just

30:31

like kind of ghosted me for a while and I

30:33

was like texting him and calling him. He

30:36

shows up at my house one night because we had tickets to

30:38

see a show the next night and

30:40

he showed up the night before to be like, hey,

30:43

you know, what's what's going on or whatever. And

30:45

I was like, I'm so glad you're here. And he's like, look,

30:47

I have to tell you something. I I

30:49

fooled around with an ex-boyfriend of mine

30:51

and I'm really sorry. And I was

30:54

like, oh, that's okay.

30:56

And we hadn't talked about monogamy

30:58

or anything like I was like, oh,

31:00

that's totally fine. Whatever. You know, that

31:02

kind of thing. Yeah.

31:05

Yeah. Yeah. You

31:07

just want to be you want to be the cool person. Do you

31:09

know what I mean? Like you want to be nonchalant, like whatever. I'm

31:11

fun. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

31:14

Because I was a little hurt. But also I was

31:16

like, I have no room to actually be angry about

31:18

this. And so then he I

31:20

was like, well, why don't we go on a date? Let's

31:22

go on an actual date tonight. And

31:25

he was like, okay, but I want you to know, I want

31:27

us to be monogamous. I'm

31:30

for real this time. I'm going to be

31:32

I want to like, just be your boyfriend.

31:35

And I was like, yes, please. That's

31:39

all I wanted. I

31:41

just wanted to be loved so, so bad. And

31:45

so I was like, great. Yes,

31:47

I'll be your boyfriend. I'll totally be

31:49

monogamous. That sounds great. Awesome. So

31:52

we were going out and he's like, I want to

31:54

go out and celebrate. Let's go somewhere crazy. Let's do

31:56

something fun. I was like, well, I got an invitation.

31:58

A friend of mine is having a birthday. party tonight,

32:00

do you want to go to my friend's birthday

32:03

party?" He's like, yeah, let's fucking go to your

32:05

birthday party. We'll be going

32:07

as boyfriends. I was like, yeah.

32:11

So we go and it was full of people.

32:14

It was pre-pandemic. Everyone was just like, let's

32:16

get those ZZs. I

32:20

was talking to these women

32:24

who I had not met before, but they

32:26

were mutual friends of the birthday

32:28

boy and I was friends with the birthday boy. He was

32:30

somebody I'd tempt with. Are

32:32

we that good of friends? I don't know. We

32:34

saw each other in the break room. Anyway,

32:37

so I was talking to them and

32:40

they were like, what'd you do tonight? And I was like, well, I

32:43

got a boyfriend. And, uh, but I

32:45

was also like kind of on fire and they were

32:47

like laughing so hard and they were,

32:52

and, but they were like really kind and warm and

32:54

they were like excited for me that I was dating

32:56

someone. I pointed him out across the room and then

32:58

like, and then one of the women was like, wait,

33:00

which one was he? And we couldn't find him. And

33:04

I was like, I don't know where he

33:06

is. And I just was like, oh, he's in the kitchen, which is

33:08

like sort of off the thing. He's probably getting a drink in

33:11

the kitchen. Probably getting me a drink because

33:13

I'm your boyfriend. He's like getting me a

33:15

drink. Oh, isn't that so sweet of him?

33:18

Anyway, then finally one

33:20

of them goes, no, um, I

33:23

just saw him going to the bathroom. And,

33:26

and I was like, Oh, I was like,

33:28

Oh, he's peeing. And they were like, well,

33:31

he's been there a long time and he

33:33

didn't go in alone. And I was like,

33:35

Oh, well, they're probably

33:37

just doing illicit drugs. You know, he didn't,

33:39

they're just praying. He's

33:43

shooting up. I feel like please let him be on. Please

33:46

be shooting. Oh, so Matt,

33:49

I hope it's hard to find a vein. Um,

33:51

that's why it's taking so long. So

33:56

then they come out and it was

33:58

him and the guy whose party it was the. birthday

34:00

boy and they didn't know each other. Like I

34:02

just brought him to this party. And

34:07

so one of the women was like, oh God, do you think

34:09

they were hooking me up? And I was like, no, we're

34:13

monogamous. Oh no. It

34:15

was stated explicitly by him after

34:18

nothing. Exactly,

34:21

I didn't even prompt it. And

34:23

then time goes by and

34:26

another, the woman comes up to me and

34:28

is like, hey, your boyfriend is

34:31

in that loft bed. And

34:33

I turned around and I could

34:35

just tell from his feet that

34:39

he was performing oral sex on someone. You

34:42

know, like you could just see him like out.

34:44

I'm kind of like, just the motion

34:47

was like, yeah, that's a rhythmic motion

34:49

that feels like a blowjob, you know?

34:52

Yeah, you change an attire or sucking a dick,

34:54

yeah. Please

34:56

let a car be up there. Please let it be a

34:58

Ford. So I

35:01

climb up the little stairs of the thing. No.

35:04

And he's totally giving head to

35:06

the birthday boy. And

35:10

I was like, let's

35:12

just call him Brian. I

35:15

was like, Brian, I think

35:18

I'm gonna leave. He

35:22

was like, oh. Oh

35:25

my God. Who the

35:27

hell is that? Well, he actually did come up

35:29

and he was like, okay, I don't wanna go

35:31

yet. And I was like, oh my God. Okay.

35:38

And then I was like, we had tickets to

35:41

a show the next night. Somebody

35:43

else who was in the show with us, we were going to

35:45

see their new show. And I was like, are

35:48

we gonna still go see Meredith's show? Oh

35:50

no. Wait, and is

35:52

this other guy lying there like dick out

35:55

while you two are having this chat over his soul? And

35:57

by the way, I know him and he just doesn't speak

35:59

to me. I

36:01

know him more than the guy who more than

36:03

my boyfriend or whatever. I

36:06

mean, I can't imagine what he was going

36:08

through just getting a blowjob and then you

36:10

pop up like a sad gopher. And

36:17

so then I climbed down the

36:19

stairs and and instead of

36:21

being like, hey, this is fucked up.

36:24

I was just like, I'll walk home in

36:26

case he calls me. I don't want to be in

36:28

this subway. So

36:30

I walked from 23rd and 6th to 2nd Street. And

36:41

I just kept turning up the volume on my phone. Did

36:47

he have a call? I'm pretty sure he just

36:49

didn't talk to me at all. And I just went to

36:51

the show by myself hoping he would show up. And

36:53

then eventually he did show

36:56

up because he had left some stuff at my

36:58

apartment. I was so stupid. I was like, I

37:00

just want you to know it didn't

37:02

end well, but I really enjoyed our time

37:05

together. And he was like, whoa, dramatic. That's

37:09

not stupid. That's very sweet. And

37:11

he probably said he doesn't understand what

37:14

monogamy means. He also monogamy with absolutely

37:16

no understanding of what that meant. And

37:18

within the hour, I have to tell you, I

37:20

never called him out on it either. I never said,

37:23

wait, you said we were going to be monogamous

37:25

and then you cheated on me while I was

37:28

in the room. Yeah. Jeff, I

37:30

want to put you in my

37:32

pocket and find this man and

37:34

just give him a general fashion

37:36

pocket. Ian, I'm too big to fit

37:38

in your pocket. I'm so big. You know what, babe?

37:40

You're just the right size for my pocket. It's fine,

37:42

babe. You know what? Between the three of us, we

37:44

could get you in our pocket, I feel like. Or we

37:46

can go and beat the shit out of this man. Jeff,

37:48

our story is honestly one of the most heartbreaking of

37:52

this entire season.

37:55

I will never recover from this story ever as long as

37:57

I live. It's so refreshing that you admitted all of the love.

38:00

little details. We've all been there, but we

38:02

never actually say them. They're not wanting

38:07

to go underground. I've done that so many

38:09

times where I've been like, ah, it's a nice

38:11

night. I'm going to walk. It's a blizzard. I'm

38:13

just getting hailed as eyeballs. It's

38:15

just two hours. It's my

38:18

version of the Warriors. It's like going

38:20

back to Brooklyn, fighting people along the

38:22

way. Maybe he'll call.

38:26

I don't know. It just brings out the most vulnerable in us,

38:28

doesn't it? And you're right, we have all

38:30

been there. We've all done

38:32

that. It's so infuriating. It's so infuriating and they

38:35

never deserve it. I'm glad to see that you've

38:37

ended up with somebody who does this. Yes.

38:41

Don't worry. It ends up being fine. You win.

38:43

You fucking win. All right. Big fucking TV star.

38:46

Look at Jordan

38:48

Eaton. We have each other. Platonically.

38:52

These stories have been absolutely bonkers and

38:54

you're all a fucking dream. Before you

38:56

go, our listeners

38:58

are a wonderful part of this show

39:01

and they send in letters and voicemails and

39:03

I'd love to play one now that just

39:06

came in. So should

39:08

we take it away? Hello, Jamila and esteemed

39:10

guests. Here's the story of my worst

39:12

date, which I've called a hopeless sister's

39:14

journey. I started chatting online to a guy

39:17

that lived in the city I was moving to soon. I

39:19

was going there for a weekend to apartment hunt and we

39:21

decided to go on a date and to meet up for

39:24

dinner. Well, in his apartment, he points

39:26

me towards a wooden chest to pick something out

39:28

for the night. Opening the

39:30

chest, I think at least 30 individually

39:32

wrapped sex toys and Ziploc bags.

39:35

He then tells me that him and his friends all

39:37

trade and share. Goes into the bathroom and leaves the

39:40

door open. He yells at me asking

39:42

me to come in. I go in and

39:44

find them. They're completely naked, standing, bending over

39:47

the sink. He asks, would you shape my

39:49

asshole? I wanted to get ready so you

39:51

can piss me. He asked me besides he's

39:53

making eye contact with me through the mirror.

39:56

I told him I forgot something in the car and

39:58

would be right back. I got him. I drove

40:00

to my hotel as fast as I could before

40:02

my fist could be gobbled up by his booty. He

40:05

messaged me the next day wishing me the best, but

40:07

that he didn't really feel a connection. I

40:10

can't say I disagree. Thanks for

40:12

listening. Oh my

40:14

god, gobbled up! That's the best

40:16

use of gobbled up I've heard

40:18

in years! Also, he just said,

40:21

I'm going to get something in my car and left,

40:23

and the guy still felt the next day the need

40:25

to email and be like, I don't

40:28

think it's working. Oh, because

40:30

the need to have the last word. I didn't feel

40:32

your fist connect with my anus. Yeah. That'd

40:34

be funny if he was like, hey, so I'm still

40:36

waiting for you to come back. I hope you know

40:39

what you're looking for. Just legs

40:41

that Kimbo, ass shaded, waiting.

40:45

Somebody else walked in and they're like, I

40:49

applied the shaving cream. The pride for me,

40:51

like, also, how long do we think he's...