1:53

all

2:00

the people that I went on dates with, you might get

2:02

varying results. But I

2:04

thought it was a fun date. What's your average statistic, would

2:06

you say, of being a fun date? Oh, I'd

2:09

say the same with my looks, about

2:12

a six or a seven.

2:13

I'll fucking take that, that's higher

2:15

than mine. Jesus Christ, I don't think anyone's

2:18

had that good of time on a date with me. So, Caroline,

2:21

how would you say that your dating experience

2:23

has been? You live in New York, right? Yeah,

2:25

I'm not a big dater. I feel

2:27

like I don't like to waste

2:30

my time. And it's such

2:32

like a crab shoot, like what you're gonna get.

2:35

So usually, I'll go

2:38

on there, I'll swipe, I'll

2:40

have some fun. But I

2:42

won't really respond to the messages. Oh

2:45

man, love that. And then

2:48

if we do go on a date, it's

2:52

just so much work. And I've never, yeah, I really

2:54

haven't gone on that many dates. I've really dated

2:57

always friends. Like

2:59

I've ended up dating people who I was friends with. And

3:02

like my boyfriend now, we were friends before. I

3:04

imagine the girlfriends of your friends

3:07

who you haven't dated can

3:08

spot this pattern and then freak out. I

3:11

have also dated friends

3:12

and then everyone else feels petrified.

3:15

Yeah, for me, it's just I have the psycho back

3:18

check. You know, it just feels like the safest

3:20

way to date is something that you've already gotten to know

3:22

everything about. Especially in this day

3:24

and age. If you're gonna go on a date in New York City,

3:27

you have to hire your friend to be

3:30

a private investigator in the back

3:32

of the restaurant. Yeah, you need to wear a bulletproof vest.

3:34

It's a long one. It is like, oh,

3:37

so you're the one who blew

3:38

up the friend group.

3:39

You're the one who ruined all the birthday parties. You know

3:41

what I mean? So then you don't really do a lot

3:43

of dating. It's just you get to know someone and

3:45

then eventually smash. Tell

3:47

me about this. If you

3:50

are someone who also has dated friends, tell me about this. How

3:52

do you get them to take you out?

3:55

Because now you're in this relationship and you're like, okay, I know we entered this as

3:57

friends, but I need you to take me to dinner. I...

4:00

don't like going to dinner. I like staying home

4:02

and watching television together so all like playing

4:04

board games. I am unbelievably

4:06

dull. I have a 90 year old man

4:09

trapped inside of my big

4:11

bosomed body. I don't know why I threw that in. That was completely

4:13

unnecessary. It's an unnecessary podcast.

4:16

Oh, humble brag. She's

4:18

like, not humble. She doesn't like dinner.

4:20

She doesn't

4:20

like dinner. No, but it's not. I'm

4:22

just like, I'm just not an exciting person. So

4:25

for me, I think part of why I'm dating a

4:27

friend is because then they won't put me through the theatrics

4:29

of romance because I can't bear it.

4:32

I can't bear it. So for me, it's ideal. Like every

4:35

move I make in this life, your

4:38

dog agrees, but every

4:40

move I make in this life is towards laziness

4:42

is towards enabling my own laziness, including

4:46

only dating people who are already in my home

4:49

for some reason. You know, they're already living there. Yeah.

4:51

I met my current boyfriend at my work. Like

4:53

I really, I didn't, I wasn't able

4:56

to do all the apps and everything for more

4:58

than about 11 days. Your dog and I are vibing.

5:00

Okay. That's another dog. That's another dog.

5:02

That's another dog. Well,

5:08

I'm having an affinity with some sort of canine.

5:11

And so what about you, Laura? Big data,

5:14

little data, fun data.

5:16

I seem to be like a,

5:18

you know, a serial relationship person.

5:21

I'll stay in until, you know, one of

5:24

us nearly dies. And

5:26

because you tried to kill each other. Yeah.

5:29

No, no, just in general, I usually,

5:31

I usually will hang in. And when

5:35

I brought Garrett, my husband

5:37

now, when I brought him home to my

5:39

mom's house, he was just,

5:41

you know, working on his laptop. And I came

5:44

in holding two guns because they're

5:46

my mom lives in North Carolina. She has guns all over her

5:48

house. And I was just really afraid. I was like

5:50

holding them like they

5:52

were, I don't know, you know,

5:54

little shit covered racks. Yeah. I was just afraid

5:56

that they're going to go off. I never held a gun. And

5:59

so he had to. to go outside and discharge

6:01

the guns. So that

6:04

was Christmas Eve one year. What?

6:06

Oh my God. Did he think that you were bringing in the

6:09

guns to be like, okay, this is how we decide

6:11

if you can stay or not. No. No.

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7:32

So Laura, I would like you to tell me

7:34

your

7:35

story first. It's called Night

7:37

Moves. This

7:40

was like in 89 or 90 in Boston. I

7:42

was a little bit of a hazy. This

7:44

was the first time I'd ever

7:46

lived in a city.

7:47

And I was working

7:50

at an Army and Navy store and

7:52

there was a guy there that was,

7:54

I thought, really gorgeous and funny.

7:57

We kept missing each other on our shifts. I

8:00

really like he gave me a flyer

8:02

to his band. I went with my girlfriend and to

8:06

see to see his band and

8:08

We were drinking,

8:10

you know, there's some drink specials or whatever so we

8:12

were having too much to drink so we're like 20 and After

8:17

they were done I Ran

8:19

backstage with my friend and was

8:22

just you know, just so effusive.

8:24

Oh my god. You guys are so great That's that song

8:27

about you know wanting things to be better I always

8:29

wanted things to be better too, you know, just you

8:31

know, just quoting the most banal,

8:33

you know bullshit sentiment whatever what

8:36

that was in the song and I noticed

8:38

that his bandmates are kind of smiling

8:40

at me, you know and And I thought

8:43

oh man, I'm spawning over this one

8:45

guy too much John was this man and

8:48

and they're kind of looking

8:48

at me And I said, I'm sorry I don't

8:51

need to embarrass that you guys you were all

8:53

so amazing and it was really fantastic And

8:56

what we were weighing back and what little space we

8:58

had we were dancing the whole time, you know and

9:01

then John said Laura

9:03

this is so nice. I hope you feel this way

9:05

when we go on stage And

9:11

now it's time to debut your one-woman

9:13

show Yeah, and then but

9:16

here's the here's the best But my gloomy

9:18

goth friend who was just had

9:20

not said a word She was kind of shy standing

9:23

in the doorway with me last so hard

9:25

and so loud That she kind of like

9:27

crunched down in the doorway and peed

9:30

And I should

9:32

be a lot because it's so relatable. I Remember

9:36

like just looking down and they were the

9:39

P was going from her combat boots to

9:41

my combat boots into the

9:43

room puddle and

9:45

I was like, oh god damn and so then we

9:48

I kind of bad I would apologize I said, oh we were so

9:50

far away, you know, and I hadn't heard your band before

9:52

and I apologize and backed us out of the room

9:55

and

9:56

so then

9:57

Later, my friend went home earlier

9:59

early and I hung around because I

10:02

had such a crush on this guy and he

10:04

said, oh, you know, well a few of us are then I

10:06

guess, you know, come over to my place and

10:08

have some drinks and I said, yeah,

10:11

can I just go with you guys? So I

10:13

got into the van with them and that's nothing

10:16

like it could never get a ride anywhere, you

10:18

know, and the team was always running

10:20

too late. So the

10:23

thing the things I've done for a ride home, I'll

10:25

tell you some other time, a couple of

10:28

their other friends come over and then

10:30

John and I go upstairs to his room, you know,

10:32

we're kind of making out a little bit. We go upstairs

10:34

to his room and

10:37

I have I had this night planned by the way, I brought

10:39

like a little Teddy with me like a little body

10:42

suit in my that was in my backpack

10:44

and it was, you know, like a kind of a lacy

10:47

body suit thing and toothbrush and makeup

10:49

remover and more makeup and whatever. And

10:52

so

10:52

we're going about to go into his

10:54

room, which is a wool blanket over

10:56

the door. And I said, oh,

10:59

just a sec. Yeah, just a second. I'll be

11:01

right back. So he goes, yeah, the bathroom service. So

11:03

I went to the bathroom and the bathroom had like

11:06

a like just a piece of plywood over the

11:08

door. And I guess it was enough for them,

11:10

like five guys living alone. That's enough

11:12

privacy, whatever. Animal. So I'm in there

11:15

and I'm I've already got kind of bed spins

11:17

and I'm putting on this Teddy

11:19

and I'm kind of teetering back and

11:21

forth like, you know, trying to just

11:24

because it snapped at the crotch and I

11:26

was hard to get it snapped. And

11:29

so anyway, I'm teetering

11:30

back and forth. There's something so funny to me about

11:32

how it is the unhotest I'll ever

11:35

look is the process of putting

11:37

on sexy underwear. Oh, yeah. It

11:39

is that I look like a correct like something out of predator.

11:42

Like I'm yeah,

11:43

I know it's just to try and look.

11:46

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My my wife

11:48

has several things that have like she has to reach

11:50

down in between your legs and snap like

11:53

from from the back. And it's just like

11:55

you look like the woman from the ring. Yeah,

11:57

it's like I'm trying

11:59

to put.

11:59

this on and I'm teetering back and forth

12:02

and I hit my shoulder

12:05

against the plywood door. I

12:08

fall forward and the plywood

12:10

door comes off its like electrical

12:13

tape or whatever it's on. I don't have

12:15

it. I don't have my teddy,

12:17

you know, bodysuit snapped. It goes up.

12:19

It just like flings up like a shade,

12:22

you know, in a cartoon like, you know,

12:25

like that. And it

12:27

didn't sound anything like that. And then

12:29

I fall

12:29

on the door and slide

12:32

on the door down

12:34

the stairs. Wow. Like

12:36

a sledge.

12:38

Yes, exactly. And it was like a narrow

12:40

wooden stairs. And then I look over, I'm

12:43

at the landing, you know, naked

12:45

except for, you know, a little teddy

12:47

around my neck. And I look

12:50

over and his bandmates are all

12:52

smoking a hookah. And

12:55

it's just the noise that must have made everybody

12:57

looks at me and like

12:59

it was in slow motion. And I'm at the bottom

13:01

of the stairs. And so then I start

13:04

to kind of crawl off the door backwards.

13:08

And then I, you know, in naked and pulling

13:10

the plywood door up the stairs behind

13:13

me. And so then I put the door

13:15

down, you know, lean it against the wall at the top

13:17

of the stairs. Then I finally, finally,

13:20

finally get the, you

13:22

know, teddy snapped. And then

13:24

I go into my paramours room,

13:26

you know, I take the wool blanket

13:29

aside and he's passed out on the floor

13:31

on the mattress with his hand

13:33

down his pants and snoring.

13:36

Did you hurt yourself going down the stairs?

13:39

Oh yeah. Well,

13:40

I had my elbows were a little bit bloody

13:42

because of the plywood and I had

13:44

bruises on my knees. So

13:47

that was that.

13:49

Okay. If I can, if I can offer

13:51

a verdict here, I would say that you sound

13:53

like a fucking legend. Oh really?

13:56

Well, that is, that's Indiana Jones

13:59

levels. of going through

14:01

the motions to get a shag. That is unbelievable.

14:04

And that's just putting the bodysuit

14:05

on Indiana Jones. Yeah. Yeah.

14:08

I would love for this to be like someone who's

14:10

absolutely so famous now. Like

14:12

what is this band? Bon Jovi. Oh my

14:15

god. I don't even know. I wish I knew.

14:17

So did you say the rest of the night and you just

14:20

went

14:20

to sleep and woke up? Oh yeah. Oh

14:22

yeah. I think I, I

14:24

mean, I guess I was probably

14:26

pretending I passed out too, you know,

14:29

and hoping that the roommates were gone. I don't

14:31

know.

14:31

The luck of not being, not

14:33

going through that during the time of camera phones, you would

14:35

be a lifelong viral sensation. Oh

14:38

god, I know. What a such age. You're

14:40

so right. That could never

14:42

happen now. Never you would be famous

14:44

for the rest of your life just

14:46

for that one thing. Oh man. Oh

14:50

man. I once hit myself in the road

14:52

just before camera phones came out.

14:54

And when camera phones came out, I'm

14:56

sorry I said any of this, but it's

14:59

happened now.

14:59

I shot myself in the road. All right.

15:02

You know, we're all human, but it

15:04

was about the year before like before

15:07

camera. No,

15:07

it was right. It was on Santa

15:09

Monica Boulevard in the daytime.

15:12

To be fair. We don't need to get into that. We don't

15:14

need to get into it. It was a very bad

15:16

day. But the

15:19

point being, I

15:21

feel so like I feel so much heat in

15:23

my chest and face now for the deep

15:25

regret of having started that sentence. It's

15:28

when the inside thoughts just happen on the outside. But

15:30

you were probably feeling sick and

15:33

not

15:33

thinking it was anything bad, right? And then...

15:35

Yeah, I know. I would literally find one minute and the next

15:37

minute I was just doing something

15:40

really well and people were running

15:42

away from me in the street, like taking their children

15:44

by the hand and crossing the road in emergency.

15:46

If it makes you feel any better,

15:48

you shitting yourself

15:50

in Santa Monica Boulevard isn't the

15:52

fifth weirdest thing going on on

15:54

Santa Monica Boulevard. That

15:56

was the

15:57

thing is that everyone was just like, oh, another...

15:59

person who shits in the road. Yeah.

16:02

The difference though is like I'm so desperate

16:05

I'm like okay yeah but you'd be famous think of the brand

16:07

deals. You know what I mean? Brand

16:09

deals for what? Poopery,

16:12

for uh yeah like

16:14

so many brand deals. Any bathroom.

16:17

Yeah. Like yeah

16:19

Tide pens. Bathroom

16:21

doors for Laura. Yeah.

16:23

Laura would be a new spokeswoman

16:26

for Home Depot. Need a new door?

16:28

Yeah how

16:29

about a door that is on

16:31

a hinge?

16:32

You know, that would be like a little

16:34

help. Oh Laura we really got away

16:36

with something there. Thank you for that wonderful,

16:38

wonderful story. We'll be right

16:40

back.

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And we're back. So next up, it's

18:51

Brad. Brad, this is called cold-blooded

18:54

date. What happened? Yeah,

19:00

cold-blooded. So

19:02

I had mentioned earlier that I've dated average-sized

19:06

women and I've dated dwarf women. But

19:08

when I was in college, when this date took place,

19:11

I see a theme here. We're all young

19:13

and dumb when our dates happen. When

19:17

I was in college, there wasn't really social

19:19

media wasn't prevalent. And I was under the impression

19:21

that I had to marry another

19:24

dwarf woman. I was told by my parents,

19:26

you have to marry a dwarf woman. Why? Because any

19:30

average-sized woman that has any sort of interest in

19:32

me would only be for money or because

19:36

they have a sick sexual fetish,

19:40

of which I would say, okay. Yeah.

19:43

I'm fine. Your parents

19:45

said that? Yes.

19:49

About the sexual fetish? All

19:51

I'm hearing is that you are rich. That's

19:54

all I just heard from that. You know, I'm

19:57

doing okay. I

20:00

grew up alright. No one has

20:03

ever dated me for my money. Even

20:06

now?

20:08

I managed to find someone just before

20:10

I had any, but I couldn't have paid them. My

20:13

boyfriend's dad once said to his

20:15

mother, he was like, when they

20:17

first started dating, he was like, I

20:19

want to take you from the squalor you're living in

20:21

to

20:22

the squalor I'm living in. That's so

20:24

great. Good

20:26

job. That's a great line in a movie.

20:29

Yeah. Yeah. And

20:32

so that's the impression I was under,

20:34

that I had to find a dwarf woman. And before

20:36

the days of social media

20:39

and dating apps, and now I'm

20:41

sure you can go on various apps and like, height,

20:43

I want it very small. We don't

20:46

necessarily have a dwarf dating

20:48

app out there. There's not like an app

20:50

called like, Thumbel or something

20:53

like that. Not Thumbel. That's

20:56

not out there. I think

20:58

it's going to be now. Yeah. Someone

21:00

should do it. So I

21:02

didn't know how to meet dwarf women. And

21:05

when I did meet dwarf women, it was under

21:07

my impression of like, okay, this

21:09

could be the one. So

21:14

on Facebook, the early days of Facebook, when it

21:16

was strictly just at colleges,

21:20

I had come across a dwarf female. She

21:23

looked great, and she was very nice to me. She

21:26

had what I thought a very sexy

21:29

tattoo of a snake on

21:31

her arm. And I thought, oh,

21:34

she's fun. So a

21:38

tattoo of a snake on her

21:40

arm. And I thought, oh, she's

21:43

fun. So we talk and I

21:45

say, hey, let's go out. Let's

21:49

go to dinner. And

21:52

she said, let's just skip dinner, and

21:54

you just come to my place and meet me. And

21:56

I was like, heck, yeah.

21:59

Here we go. This

22:01

is gonna go great. So

22:05

I go to her place and

22:08

then it becomes very obvious to me why

22:11

she just wanted to get this

22:13

out of the way because I go into

22:16

her apartment and I believe

22:18

this is the right word. It kind of resembles

22:21

a terrarium.

22:22

There's

22:24

just tanks all

22:26

over the apartment with

22:28

different sorts of reptiles.

22:32

Just all these different types

22:35

of reptiles. How many tanks are we talking?

22:38

Oh, we're talking over 12. Whoa!

22:41

That's a vet shop. Yeah. A

22:43

pet shop, brother. Yeah. I mean vet

22:45

shop, pet shop, something where you

22:47

bring snakes because there

22:50

are lizards, there are snakes, there

22:52

are just…and it's very reptile-centric.

22:56

It's very just like…no, these are

22:58

the things I like. I don't think there's

23:00

really any animals. Not

23:02

just shit on reptiles. They are probably, to

23:05

me, like the least

23:06

safe and cozy I'm gonna feel other

23:08

than tarantulas. But

23:10

I don't know if there's any animal

23:12

that you could have 12 of

23:14

that I'd be like, that's not a red flag.

23:16

Do you know what I mean? Because

23:17

not to just make it about reptiles. 12 cats, 12

23:20

dogs, something's

23:21

wrong. Maybe fish. Maybe

23:24

fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's about it. It

23:26

feels so weird though.

23:28

It's still…I don't know. Brad,

23:31

did it smell weird? Of

23:33

course it smelled weird. Oh, okay. It smelled very wet.

23:40

Was it a big apartment? No,

23:42

it wasn't a large apartment,

23:45

so this was taking up like a good…like

23:48

there was no part

23:50

of the apartment where maybe the bathroom,

23:53

if the door is closed, where you could not

23:55

see tanks and animals

23:58

and reptiles. Did the bathroom… smell

24:00

the best.

24:04

Now that I think back, I'm

24:07

guessing. Did she make you meet them? Yeah.

24:12

All right, now wait a second. Brad, what was

24:14

she wearing? She was standing there in

24:16

front of all the snakes. I remember

24:18

this very well. She was wearing jeans

24:21

and a sort of striped shirt

24:24

that showed off a midriff. She looked great. She

24:27

looked fantastic. She wasn't wearing like

24:31

waiters or something

24:33

like that would indicate. Steve Owen,

24:35

yeah. Yeah, she's like, Crikey,

24:38

we're going to go ahead and mate. There's

24:41

bloomin'. There's bloomin' blob right here. Look

24:43

at these fangs. Didn't

24:45

do that at all.

24:48

Then I'm there and she goes, do you want to meet

24:50

the snakes? I'm sitting here like, say

24:52

no, Brad. Say no, Brad. Yeah,

24:54

but you want her to meet your snake. Yeah.

24:57

I

24:57

need to be in a while. I'm in college.

24:59

I'm looking at this. Like I said, when I would meet a

25:01

dwarf woman, I'd be like, okay, you got to make this work

25:03

because this is your

25:06

potential wife right here. Fuck's sake. I

25:08

was like, yeah, let's

25:10

meet the snakes. She started off

25:13

bringing out chameleons and

25:16

other sorts of lizards. They

25:18

were fine. That was actually kind of fun.

25:21

Then she moved on to the snakes.

25:24

There was

25:27

one time, I remember this, I

25:29

was kind of holding a chameleon

25:31

looking one direction and then from behind

25:34

me, she just puts

25:36

the snake. Normally

25:39

when you hear non-consensual snake, it

25:41

means something completely different on a date. But

25:45

she just sort of drapes the snake on

25:47

me and that was

25:49

the last straw. That was

25:51

where I just, I freaked out.

25:53

Also, and you can't really visibly freak out

25:55

in that moment. You don't want to get strangled by the snake.

25:58

But I was just like, I got to go.

25:59

She was another little person, so I'm looking

26:02

at her like hey if these snakes all get on

26:04

the same page

26:05

you're lunch Like

26:08

yeah, you're not fighting back

26:10

like you're not that much bigger than the rats that

26:12

you're feeding this thing. Yeah That was my oh no

26:15

She has to have a bunch of rats to feed

26:17

all those snakes. Oh, yes

26:19

Oh, no there was and they're

26:21

and they're alive. I would hate her just for that Well,

26:24

they were they were in their separate tank

26:26

so you had the rat tank which was Oh,

26:31

no,

26:32

you know what I do feel you I cut that

26:34

too far 12 is too far feeding

26:36

the rats in the bed It's just

26:39

it's too much. That is a that's a terminal

26:41

boner killer, but I think

26:42

No shame to anyone,

26:44

but that's yeah intense. I

26:47

definitely would have had a little performance anxiety

26:51

Well, thank you for that story that's

26:54

gonna stay with me forever mm-hmm, we'll

26:56

be right back

27:01

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28:31

And we're back. So Caroline, yours

28:33

is called Just the Tip.

28:38

Yeah, here's the deal. I don't

28:40

know if I can live

28:41

up to that reptile one.

28:42

But I'm gonna try. Okay. That is so

28:44

crazy. Yeah. So okay, we start

28:47

also, I'm young in this story. We start,

28:49

I'm like graduated college. I know.

28:53

Yeah. So,

28:55

sorry, just wanted to drop that, that

28:57

I'm educated. Mine fits

29:00

in your education. This is a lot. No,

29:02

but like, you know, it's that time where

29:05

I'm gonna move to New York and you just

29:07

feel really lonely. And I

29:09

had had a boyfriend at the end of the

29:11

college that I really liked. But

29:14

it was like, you know, he wasn't going to move to New York.

29:16

And like, it just was, you know, things

29:19

weren't going to work out. And I was really

29:21

heartbroken. We broke up over the phone.

29:23

Right. And he says to me, he's

29:25

like, you know, I'm really not going to just like, listen

29:27

to you cry. Like, if you want to call me back after you like, calm down

29:30

a little bit. And I call him back. I

29:32

know. No, no, I know. I need you to get I need

29:35

you. I need you to know where

29:36

I am when I go on this date. I need you to understand.

29:40

As a man, I've discovered nothing. Nothing

29:42

makes a woman calm down more than when you tell her

29:44

I need you to calm down. No, I know.

29:47

It works every time. Relax. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

29:51

Oh, yeah.

29:51

So I call back. And

29:54

he's like, he doesn't answer the phone

29:56

call. And he calls back a few seconds later. He's like, Oh, sorry,

29:58

like I'm playing.

29:59

some

30:01

type of military

30:03

game on... A video game?

30:05

Yeah, some kind of video game. Like, sorry, I'm playing whoever

30:08

on... Even in a while, I've just broken

30:10

your heart. Say that. You don't say that.

30:13

I know, and then we spend like

30:16

another hour or so talking. It's like, you know, 2

30:18

a.m. And I can hear like the controller.

30:21

You know what I mean? Oh. But

30:23

I was devastated, okay? I was devastated. I

30:25

was really sad. So I

30:28

am working this summer job. And

30:31

there's a guy I meet. And like, you know,

30:34

I'm so lonely. And like, we start hanging

30:36

out every day. And

30:38

we're just like friends. Some things are like...

30:42

I think he really liked me, but there were things said

30:44

that were like, Oh, I

30:47

think you like the idea of me. Like, I remember one time

30:49

we're in New York and we're hanging

30:52

out as friends. And then he's like,

30:54

you know, I'd really like to

30:56

like date you. I'm like, yeah,

30:57

I'm open to that. I'm

30:59

cool with that. And then

31:01

the next morning, I wake up to a few like phone

31:03

calls and texts that he had like posted

31:06

on Facebook, like had so much fun last

31:08

night hanging out with my girlfriend, tagged

31:11

me, picture of me. Also one day.

31:13

I don't even know if it was a date. Not even a date. He

31:15

was just saying, hey, you like the idea, right? Yeah.

31:18

He's like, I want to like, I would like if we like maybe

31:20

like tried to make this work. So I'm thinking like, oh, we're

31:22

now we're talking, right? He posts on

31:25

Facebook, you know, my sister calls me. I'm

31:27

like, also, also, I'm in the headspace where I'm like, I

31:29

hope the game, the

31:31

gamer didn't see that because, you

31:33

know, that's the love of my life. That's right

31:35

there. That man is the love of my life.

31:38

Yeah. Once he gets done with this campaign in Cambodia,

31:40

he's going to be back and we're going to be friends forever.

31:43

One day, one day I'm going to tell my

31:45

children about how he had this like

31:47

a hundred kill streak on Call

31:49

of Duty. Again, I love that children online

31:52

and like how that was the moment I knew.

31:56

So I was like, I

31:58

was so okay.

32:00

I'm like, hey, listen, we're

32:02

not, like, if you really want to date me, you

32:04

gotta, you can't take me out to dinner. We gotta like

32:07

really, you're not dating

32:09

me. I'm not

32:09

your girlfriend. You haven't like courted me, okay? We're

32:11

like friends. So he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I

32:13

get it, I get it.

32:15

Like, let me,

32:16

let me take you to dinner. And I'm like, okay, okay, great.

32:19

So we go to dinner. No

32:21

drinks are ordered. We're like, you know, broke.

32:24

So no drinks are ordered. It's just like

32:26

a bowl of ramen, a bowl of ramen. And this is like, this

32:29

is like one of those, like,

32:30

you know, like $14 ramen, you know?

32:32

So nothing crazy, nothing

32:35

crazy. This is spicy ramen. So

32:38

like the check comes. He's

32:41

like, I'll pay. I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah.

32:44

Okay. Yeah. And

32:47

he pays and then he goes to the bathroom

32:50

and he's, I'm gonna

32:51

request me for my half of

32:53

the ramen. And I pay. And

32:56

I pay. Wait, Brad's very excited about

32:58

this. Why are you so excited? I'm just like,

33:02

I just, not that I support

33:04

it, I'm excited because I just

33:06

think to myself, what

33:08

in his mind where he goes, this

33:10

is a good idea. Like

33:13

the added detail that he did it

33:15

from the bathroom, which to

33:17

me says, okay. Yeah, come and check in

33:20

front of me. How can you be more of a coward

33:22

than that?

33:22

If you've gone to the bathroom and you can use

33:25

both hands to text message, it means you're not peeing.

33:27

Like everything about that

33:28

is wrong. Everything about

33:30

that is wrong. We know now that he's fifting

33:32

and he's thinking about it. And

33:34

then you're like, you wouldn't be able to while aiming

33:37

your penis to pee. You

33:39

wouldn't be able to send it. No one's that good.

33:42

No one's that good that they can send a Venmo request

33:44

mid stand up pee. This man is shipping. No,

33:47

well, it's $12. It's like very

33:49

important. Like

33:51

he has, you know what I mean?

33:52

So

33:54

then I like fulfill

33:56

the Venmo request and then he

33:59

texts me. Hey, soaking

34:01

wet. No, he

34:03

texts me from the bathroom. Hey, I

34:06

forgot the tip smiley face. No!

34:10

And I like send him like what, $3 for the

34:12

tip? And

34:16

the place we're at is an open mic. It's

34:18

an open music mic and he goes up right

34:20

after. Oh no. So he

34:22

took me to a restaurant so we could do like an open mic.

34:25

Oh. And that, yeah. Wait, an open mic

34:27

of what? Stand up of what? No, music.

34:30

Music. Music. No. Yeah. I

34:32

don't know what's worth. Wait, what did he

34:34

just sing a cappella? What did he do? No, he

34:36

like played, he played an instrument. He

34:38

like went up there like had a bit. Where did he get the instrument?

34:41

I get it. You know what? I guess he got to the

34:43

restaurant before me and I didn't notice it. Or maybe I thought, sorry,

34:45

there's a dog in the corner. Or

34:47

maybe

34:48

I thought like maybe, I don't know, he's coming from a gig. Honestly,

34:50

the truth is I probably would have been okay

34:53

with that kind of treatment at that time,

34:55

at that age. But I just don't think they liked

34:57

him enough to be treated that way. That's

34:59

so awful. Because like there's

35:01

a way. There's

35:02

a way to

35:03

split the bill. Listen, everyone's young, everyone's

35:05

broke. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. I've

35:07

been on first date so we've had to split the bill. That's cool.

35:10

But the way that's handled and then the miserliness

35:13

of then you've made the gesture, you haven't made a big

35:15

deal of it, to then ask you to contribute

35:17

again for the, it's like

35:20

in his mind was he thinking, I'm

35:22

giving you dinner and a performance.

35:24

So you should pay. Oh, I'm hideous. Yeah,

35:27

like she should be paying me. She should be paying me. So

35:31

how did it end with this man

35:33

and his trumpet or whatever? I

35:35

think I was like, okay, as I handle

35:38

all issues, I'm just going to ignore this one.

35:41

Like I'm just going to pretend. Yeah,

35:43

yeah. Should we put it on the rug? Yeah, I'm just going to ignore this.

35:46

So like he would text to hang out

35:48

and I would just be like, oh, I'm so busy. Oh, I'm so

35:50

busy. I'm so busy. And then I think that was

35:52

like a phone call where he was like, how

35:55

does that make me feel? Like I posted that

35:57

you were my girlfriend on Facebook and you said. you

36:00

told me to take it down. How do you think that made me feel?

36:02

How do you think that made me feel? How

36:05

iconically crazy a woman would look

36:08

if she did that? Like, yes, it would become

36:10

like reposted by meme accounts.

36:13

Again, it would be like viral for 100% jail. 100%

36:16

jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. That is fucking crazy.

36:21

Yeah.

36:22

Wow.

36:23

No, it's death

36:25

penalty, honestly. If a woman was to do that

36:28

after just having a conversation with

36:30

a man and then posted, this is my

36:32

boyfriend. Yeah. And you would get your meal and

36:34

then they would ask you to pay for it and that's what they

36:37

would do. You'd have your final

36:39

meal. By the way, you said you couldn't top

36:42

the reptiles. I think you

36:44

did. I feel

36:46

like

36:47

he's getting

36:49

like having a reptile put

36:51

on me without consent.

36:53

Yeah. Like that is fed by a rat. Yeah.

36:57

I think

36:57

that's like they need to add that in like

36:59

consent training, like at colleges.

37:03

Like you need a verbal. Yes. Verbal.

37:06

Yes. Please drape your snake across me. But I think

37:08

that that's something that I come away with

37:10

almost every single week that I

37:12

can't help but feel like the people

37:14

who misbehave in a way that is so beyond

37:17

blind,

37:18

like it's so it's so beyond reason

37:20

that I'd like to it's

37:22

legendary. It's like, no, I know.

37:25

It's almost like respect. It's almost like

37:27

there was a there was a guy who I

37:29

went on a date with when I was younger. And

37:32

he I didn't know it

37:34

was a date because I never know anything's a date until

37:36

someone's inside of me, which is

37:37

obviously very tricky in this current climate.

37:40

So I but we were hanging out and

37:42

he was trying to make a move on me. And

37:45

I was very like, you know,

37:47

I'd mentioned earlier in the evening that I really liked the song

37:49

Soul Love by David Bowie. And then he's

37:51

like, you want to come to my house and see this

37:53

thing that I have? And I was like, yeah, sure. He lives down the road for

37:55

me. I go into his house and suddenly the lights start dimming.

37:58

And he doesn't have catches. He's only

37:59

And he got beds in

38:02

the

38:02

living room. It's like three beds. Choose

38:04

your weapon. Everything's silver. And

38:06

then the opening door. Yeah,

38:09

basically. And then the opening

38:10

cords, the opening cords of Soul

38:12

Love start happening as the lights are

38:14

dimming. And I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no,

38:17

no, no, no, no, no. I don't want this, I don't want this. And

38:19

he was like, wait, wait, wait. Do you find me attractive? And

38:21

he picks up his phone as he

38:23

asks.

38:25

And I was like, no, but I'd

38:27

really love to hang out with you as friends.

38:30

And he had on speed dial

38:32

a local car company and called them

38:35

and was like, oh yeah, I

38:37

need a car immediately. Yeah, as soon as possible.

38:40

Thank you so much. Fantastic.

38:43

And then shuts the phone. And he was like, I'll be

38:45

outside in two minutes. Threw me out of his

38:47

house at lightning speed. I'm not gonna lie.

38:49

Suddenly, I was like kind of into

38:51

him. I didn't actually do anything because I'm not

38:54

a masochist. But I was like, it was so

38:56

iconically rude and straightforward. And

38:58

I was like, what the fucking balls on someone?

39:01

Some of the men and women who I've

39:03

heard about on

39:06

this podcast in the last year

39:08

almost have blown my mind. I

39:10

just didn't know they're out there walking amongst us. I

39:13

know, I know. And also like you got you

39:15

a car. Like that's pretty

39:16

nice. Hey, you know,

39:18

it's a studio and it's a driver.

39:21

But I'm not joking. It was literally a

39:23

split second between me saying

39:25

no and his hovering

39:28

over speed dial. Wow. For

39:30

a cab company. Like why waste your time? Like I love it.

39:33

He's a girl buff. Yeah, no, literally.

39:36

I wish I had gotten there quicker.

39:39

Like I feel like that's, that's, yeah,

39:41

tell him, tell him. Yeah, exactly.

39:44

Oh man, thank you guys for those stories. So

39:48

finally, I wanna share a story from our listeners. They send

39:50

us some wonderful stories.

39:51

So this one is from Dan and it says, I

39:54

matched on Tinder with this woman who said she

39:56

was visiting from out of town. I was only looking for someone

39:58

to go to dinner with and hang out.

39:59

And that was fine, as I was really just feeling

40:02

lonely. She said she was absolutely

40:04

not looking to hook up, which I was okay with.

40:07

We met up at a restaurant and we clicked instantly.

40:09

Dinner was over and she hemmed and hoored and then finally

40:12

said that we could go to her mum's house because

40:14

she wasn't home. But you can't freak

40:16

out by the state of the place, she said.

40:18

So I immediately assumed this was some sort

40:20

of hoarder house with dead cats and piles

40:22

of old newspapers

40:23

everywhere. I told her I didn't care

40:25

what her mum's house looked like. That's

40:27

a nice guy. I followed her to the

40:29

house and it was a mansion,

40:31

like a legit mansion with electronic

40:34

gates and a horse stable. I grew

40:36

up poor and made it all the way to broke.

40:38

So this was definitely

40:39

a bit of a shock to me. We

40:41

go

40:41

in and we have sex and now it's actually

40:43

time for me to go. And I gave her a ride to the

40:46

front gate because A, the distance between her

40:48

front door and the gate was enough to warrant a

40:50

ride. And B, she needed

40:52

to punch a code in to let me out. As

40:54

we drove, she talked about how much fun she'd had

40:57

and how she'd love to see me again before she left town.

40:59

And I said, that sounded like fun and I'd love to.

41:02

Oh my God.

41:04

And then she frisked me to

41:07

make sure I didn't steal

41:09

anything.

41:09

Be agnostic. Aww. Like

41:12

not a cute flirty

41:12

pretend check. She fully

41:15

patted me down. Oh my

41:17

God. I even had to pull

41:19

out a vial of insulin to prove what

41:21

it was. I'm diabetic. I was in

41:23

shock, so I didn't say anything after that and

41:25

just left. And as I was driving, she texted

41:28

me again to say what a good time she

41:30

had. And I responded

41:32

that I was not okay with what just happened and I was not interested

41:35

in seeing her again. Fuck me.

41:38

Oh, that's really fucking amazing.

41:41

Oh my God. It like reveals- Dan,

41:43

thank you for that letter. It like

41:45

reveals how she feels like he is low.

41:47

You know what I mean? Yeah.

41:50

Yeah.

41:51

Oh, that's so awful. Oh my God. Oh my God. That

41:54

is- You mean anything like that in a film?

41:57

No. Dan, you have to write a film.

41:59

kidding and have that be a scene I mean

42:02

at least like yeah you know

42:04

if you're that

42:06

paranoid put a TSA agent

42:09

at your front door she lives in a mansion like that

42:13

what the hell would she care

42:13

if he stole an ashtray or something who cares

42:16

yeah you know

42:17

but again it's the fucking

42:19

nerve isn't it is patting someone down and making

42:22

them feel like a criminal and then texting

42:24

them telling them you'd love to see them again that she's

42:27

a she's an icon yeah there's

42:30

no other way around

42:32

it she let him into the house they

42:34

had sex but that wasn't enough

42:37

to be like okay you're not gonna steal the fine

42:39

china like you know like I don't I trust

42:41

you enough to fuck me but not to be in

42:43

our house yeah yes

42:47

oh man priorities well

42:49

someone sent me a letter today to say that

42:51

they'd been single for a really long time and

42:54

they'd been feeling really depressed about

42:56

it until hearing this podcast

42:58

really

43:01

nice you know that we're doing God's work out

43:03

here in reminding everyone that they're not alone it

43:05

is hell

43:05

yeah it's really amazing show

43:08

yeah it's pretty damn great

43:09

understand when you just

43:12

hear about what's going on out there no one you're none of

43:14

you are alone before you all go

43:16

and you've been such delightful guests can you

43:18

tell everyone where they can find you and is there anything

43:21

that you would like them to know about as in

43:23

not just generally in life but

43:26

what starting with you

43:27

Brad brand new special actually announced

43:30

today that's

43:32

going to be streaming on a platform called

43:34

of Veeps which is where V

43:37

E E P S and you can go

43:39

there it comes out to summer 21st right now

43:42

if you use promo code Brad you

43:44

get it for 25% off this

43:47

is the time where you bet on yourself so I self-financed

43:49

this comedy special and

43:53

so I paid I paid for it myself so I would

43:55

I would like some of the money back

43:57

so yes and I

43:59

I really like it, I'm really proud of it. So go to Bradwilliams.beeps.com

44:03

and you can pick that up.

44:05

Good for you, everyone go and do that immediately.

44:08

And Caroline? Yes, you can go

44:10

to my Instagram, Caroline Banowitz,

44:12

B-A-N-I-E-W-I-C-U-B. It's incredibly

44:15

funny, it's how I first found you and

44:17

slipped into your DMs and

44:18

asked you to come onto the podcast. That means a lot,

44:21

that means a lot. That's like, maybe? But

44:24

yeah, go to my Instagram, I have

44:26

like a ton of dates coming up in New York City,

44:29

in the new year I'm gonna start touring.

44:31

So if you follow, you'll see that there.

44:33

And then also I have a sketch

44:35

show, please end this, that you can also

44:37

follow. But really, if you're

44:40

on the Instagram, everything you need is there.

44:42

So follow me there, I have like a link also to

44:44

Spotify,

44:44

I have some songs, comedy

44:46

songs, a lot of musical comedy, the show, some musical comedy.

44:48

Yeah, she's got a song called Nepo that I sing almost

44:51

every day of my life. Yeah, it's

44:53

really, it's the way to be. If

44:56

I could reincarnate as, like not

44:58

even hate, that's what I want, like you, that's

45:00

my dream. But so

45:03

yeah, it's really all there. Great, and

45:05

Laura, where can I find

45:07

you? Oh well, I won't wear anything

45:10

with snaps anymore, if

45:12

anybody's curious. Now I'm married, I have a podcast

45:14

with Daniel Webb called What

45:16

We Thought Would Happen.

45:18

Fabulous, all right, everyone go listen,

45:20

go watch, go sing. Thank

45:22

you to my wonderful guests, Laura, Brad

45:25

and Caroline. I appreciate you so much,

45:27

I'll be thinking about

45:27

your stories for the rest of my life. Thank

45:30

you. Me too, thank you for having us. This was a blast,

45:32

thank you.

45:33

Bye guys. Bad Dates is produced by Smartlist Media

45:35

and Wunderly.

45:35

Created by Robert Cohen.

45:38

Executive producers are Robert Cohen and

45:40

Danila Jamel.

45:40

That's me. Produced by

45:42

Stuart Bailey. Produced,

45:44

engineered and edited by Devon Torrey-Bryant.

45:47

Also engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw.

45:50

talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate

45:53

producer is Maddie McCann. Music

45:55

by Cushie and Evan Snyder. Executive

45:58

producers are Will Arnett.

45:59

and Sean Hayes, executive

46:02

producers for Smart List Media of Richard Coulson

46:04

and Bernie Kaminski. If you've had

46:06

a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about

46:09

it, our number is 984-265-3283 and

46:13

our email is baddatespod

46:14

at gmail.com. We can't wait

46:16

to hear all about it. That's all

46:18

for this week, we will see you next time for more...

46:39

Hello Prime Members, you can listen to Bad

46:42

Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download

46:45

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46:57

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47:00

of Bah-humbug, the OG Green

47:02

Grump, the Grinch. From Wondery,

47:05

Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show is a pathetic

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attempt by the people of Whoville to use

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my situation as a teachable moment.

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So join me, the Grinch,

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along with Cindy Lou Who,

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and of course my dog, Matt, every

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week for this complete waste of time. Listen

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as I launch a campaign against Christmas

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on an open fire. They'll try

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not gonna work, honey. Your family will

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