0:00

Hello Prime members, you can listen to Bad

0:02

Dates early and ad-free on Amazon

0:04

Music. Download the app today.

0:07

Are we, what, we're making fun of LA because I have

0:09

a heater on? I'm in LA, no, we're making

0:11

fun of you, not LA. Don't worry,

0:14

don't worry. I'm in an uninsulated

0:16

garage. It is 40 degrees

0:19

out. What is 40 degrees in

0:21

Fahrenheit? I refuse

0:23

to learn Fahrenheit. Oh, fair. I

0:25

like, I grew up on Celsius and I will stick

0:27

with it because it's a system

0:29

that makes sense. I'm

0:31

not going to learn like whatever the temperature of the king's

0:33

forehead or whatever Fahrenheit

0:35

is based on. I'm

0:38

bi. I use both, so it's fine.

0:41

We're fine. We're

0:42

fine. I also measure my height in hands, so. Good.

0:46

The king's hand is the king's hand.

0:51

I can't do that because mine is so disproportionately

0:53

large. A hand that

0:55

can dwarf any cock is what

0:57

I've always been told.

1:13

Please everyone meet our panel. First up, we

1:16

have the wonderful Kurt Braunohler. Hello. Welcome.

1:19

Welcome to our show properly. Thank you for

1:21

having me. Kurt, for

1:23

anyone who isn't familiar as a comedian and actor

1:25

and a writer with credits on the Big Sick, Bob's

1:27

Burgers amongst many others,

1:30

but most notably, in my opinion, The Good Place.

1:32

Oh, thank you. Also, you know what?

1:35

I would have a special interest

1:37

in that. Final

1:40

scene. I was in the absolute final

1:42

scene of the entire show. I

1:44

know. Wild, wild, wild, wild. It

1:46

was a really crazy time to be brought in. It's

1:51

so crazy to be thrown in

1:53

in the singular most important

1:55

and emotional moment of

1:58

a TV show like that.

1:59

Hello, Afira Eisenberg.

2:02

Hello. Welcome, welcome to the show. So,

2:04

Afira is a stand-up comedian and a host

2:06

of Parenting as a Joke podcast. And

2:09

she also hosted NPR's Ask Me Another. She

2:11

is perhaps the perfect person to have on this

2:13

podcast because she wrote the book Screw Everyone,

2:16

Sleeping My Way to Monogamy, which is my

2:18

favorite title of a book I've heard

2:20

in years. Thank you. So, thank you

2:22

for being here. I'm very excited for your expertise.

2:25

Pleasure. Earlier on before this chat, we

2:27

were talking about the fact that you live in New York, right? So,

2:29

if there's

2:29

ever anywhere that you're going to sleep your way

2:32

to Monogamy, I feel like it's there.

2:34

It's the sport fucking capital of the world. So

2:37

when I moved here, there was this

2:40

theory, like based on statistics,

2:43

that there were

2:44

five women for every

2:47

one guy. So

2:50

just based on the numbers, it was

2:52

the idea that like, hey, guys have

2:54

their pick if we're talking

2:55

about like a heteronormative situation.

2:58

So if you are a single woman that wants

3:00

a guy, just be ready for the fact

3:02

that they're like they can just move from

3:04

one to the next because it's an endless supply.

3:07

And

3:08

yeah, so. Did that

3:10

bear it? Was that true? Is

3:12

it actually one to five? That seems

3:14

like insane. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Cut. You

3:17

dated in New York for years.

3:18

It did feel that way. It

3:20

did feel that way. I will say

3:22

it did. But I also had a very

3:25

strange experience with being single because I'm a

3:27

monogamist at heart. I've gone from I've

3:29

had like four main relationships, including

3:32

my wife, who I'm married to for the past 10 years. And

3:35

but

3:36

I had had a relationship from

3:38

age 18 to 31. That

3:41

was a 13 year relationship. And

3:43

in order, I one day asked her if we should

3:45

get married. And she said, I think

3:47

we should sleep with other people before we get

3:49

married. And I was like all into that.

3:52

I was like, yes, I agree with that. And so then we

3:54

did this insane thing for

3:56

one month. She's

3:58

like, I would like to continue.

3:59

this for another month and I'm like, sounds

4:02

good because I was having a great time.

4:05

And then after

4:07

the second month, she was like, okay, I'm done. And I was like,

4:09

I'm going to Australia. And

4:12

then I went to Australia for a month and then

4:14

met someone there and then came back and I was like, I've met

4:17

someone I think we should break up. So this

4:19

is the trajectory of many of my friends

4:21

who have entered open relationships. Yes.

4:24

Yes. Yes. Not we did it with very formal

4:26

rules. Yeah. I

4:27

love your communication rules. I

4:30

love that. So, Afira, what

4:32

was it like being one of the women

4:35

who is like five to one man? So I heard

4:37

this and I got to say I was

4:40

so mad at it. I decided to

4:42

really emotionally, mentally and physically

4:45

rebel. And I was like, you know what? I

4:47

don't want

4:47

a relationship with any of these dudes. I don't

4:50

care who they are. I don't care what they're about.

4:52

I don't even want to know their last name. You know what? Maybe

4:54

I don't even want to know their first name. I don't

4:56

care. I'm going to go out there and just

4:59

fuck who I feel like being with. I'm

5:01

going to have a good time and I'm not going to care

5:03

because I will not play by these rules. Nice.

5:06

And that's what I did. Amazing. Until

5:09

I could not do it anymore. But I will tell you so

5:11

as I. So why could you not do

5:13

it anymore? Was it sort of like vaginally or

5:15

was it just sort of like you were catching feelings?

5:18

Yeah, vaginally I was like,

5:19

ow. No, I'm actually. It was

5:22

gradually kept going great. No,

5:24

I think I just got to after

5:27

a few years of it, I

5:30

you know, actually, I just kind of figured out what

5:32

I'm looking for because I didn't know. The

5:34

only thing I knew was if

5:37

they like me and frankly, if

5:39

they like me, man or woman, we'd figure

5:41

it out. I

5:44

remember not so long ago, someone

5:48

I know said to me, a man said,

5:51

God, I wish I would have known you in your slutty

5:53

years.

5:55

And how did you feel about that? I said

5:57

you did. No. Oh

6:00

my God. Ah! Oh

6:03

my God. It's

6:05

like not everyone made the cut.

6:07

I mean, Jesus. Ha ha ha ha ha

6:09

ha ha ha ha

6:12

ha. You know what, it's like so, it's just. Yeah, that's also, that's

6:15

so presumptuous. Just because you were

6:17

enjoying the fruits of New York City

6:21

does not mean that you don't have fucking standards.

6:23

They were low, they had some. It does mean that you don't

6:26

know how to say goodbye, potentially. Goodbye

6:29

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7:14

Bad dates.

7:16

Okay, so I have to hear about

7:18

your bad dates, okay? So we're just gonna

7:20

jump straight in. Affaira, your

7:22

story is called Hates Mondays. I

7:25

have no idea what's coming.

7:29

Okay, well,

7:32

so this, I do stand up and I was

7:34

doing a stand up show out of town,

7:37

New York, called The Road. And when you first

7:39

do those shows, as many people will probably know, they're

7:41

not good shows. You're doing 20 minutes

7:43

to people in a situation and

7:46

they don't want you to be there and you have no, you're

7:48

not good at it either. And

7:50

there was another guy on the show who was

7:53

flirting with me and I didn't know

7:55

him and I thought, oh, this is interesting.

7:59

I purposely.

7:59

did not date comics,

8:02

honestly, because I thought we

8:04

don't need those two psychological situations

8:06

put together. Okay? So both

8:08

damage in one bed. Me too, I never did for that

8:11

exact reason. Yeah, I didn't want to like, you

8:13

know, post sex, be like, who

8:16

books this show? Like I didn't want that

8:17

conversation. So

8:21

we both were living in New

8:23

York-ish, and we,

8:26

he said, I took the bus out. I didn't even

8:29

have a car. So I had taken this bus

8:31

out to this gig. He said, do you want to ride back?

8:33

I was like, fantastic. Oh my God, you live in New York

8:35

and you have a car? I was already impressed.

8:38

So we went, I picked a bar, and

8:40

we sat at this bar and had a couple

8:42

of drinks. And now I will

8:45

tell you this little thing about, you know, New

8:47

York, New York dating. So the other thing

8:50

that I was told by women, which was a

8:53

grooming thing, because I moved

8:56

to New York from Canada, and

8:58

we just had different styles going on, but it

9:01

was very- Okay, so you don't mean like a sex trafficking

9:03

grooming? No, no, no. You mean like, okay, sorry.

9:05

Sorry, grooming. I was told that like-

9:08

I'm extremely paranoid. I'm on fire

9:10

all the time. You're just like- Danger,

9:12

danger, danger. No,

9:15

the trend at the time

9:18

for women and Bobby hair, and

9:20

still is, but it was really big then, was

9:22

to get a Brazilian bikini

9:24

wax. And I had never done

9:26

that before. I had never had come up,

9:28

and they were like, oh yeah, that's what's expected. Like,

9:31

that's what the guy's like. So I

9:33

had gone with a friend to a

9:35

salon, and I had gotten a Brazilian

9:37

bikini wax the day before, which was very

9:40

expensive,

9:41

by the way. And

9:43

then I was like, oh my God, I have this- You

9:45

know what though, it should be, shouldn't it? Because someone's

9:47

having to like wax your

9:49

eyes. It's a terrible job. I

9:52

get it, I get it, but it also like, that's

9:54

quite a job, go on though. Because I'm gonna have to like work

9:56

on your starfish. You know what I mean? Yeah,

9:59

right.

9:59

Also, what was the difference? What was

10:02

what was Canadian culture at that time?

10:04

Just a maple leaf? It was a I'll

10:06

call it winter bush. I'm gonna call it winter bush

10:09

winter bush and people everybody was cool with winter

10:11

bush I found I never had a complaint

10:13

sugar Deeply

10:18

expensive Brazilians. Yeah, and did you

10:21

did you bleach your asshole? No, I've never

10:23

done that Okay, no, I've never done

10:25

that. I've always felt I I

10:28

hear that that is big in the game. I

10:30

have never done it cuz I'm very funny about my bum hole

10:33

But like and also like what am I going to a UV?

10:35

I

10:40

did have a wax or once say the following

10:42

phrase For an extra five dollars.

10:44

Do you want me to bleach your hoop and

10:47

I was like, oh You

10:49

know what the worst one I've heard the

10:51

worst one I've heard I think was coined by Russell

10:53

Brand which is your leathery bagel I

10:58

haven't eaten a bagel Exactly

11:03

Bagel show, okay. Okay, so at the

11:05

Brazilian So I have the Brazilian and I

11:07

got to say like I really I was in the

11:09

mode of like gotta get my money's Worth on this,

11:11

you know, there's a small window for this to

11:13

be a fresh bikini wax I'm

11:16

half Israeli the hair grows

11:17

quick. So I was also

11:19

so I was like someone should see this It's not

11:21

for me for someone else to enjoy

11:24

and it's illegal. Let's just get it out. Isn't it

11:26

in the street? Exactly

11:28

can make an arrangement. Yeah, so

11:31

we are at a bar we're drinking And

11:34

we're talking, you know, I was like are we going

11:36

anywhere with this, you know, maybe the hair is growing

11:38

in So we should finalize what we're doing

11:41

It's just the timer you could feel

11:44

the hair growing tick tick tick

11:46

towards midnight We're

11:51

getting some shadow at midnight the

11:53

first you pops out

11:54

it just turns into a pumpkin

11:56

at pews It just completely

11:58

sprouts plonk. Yeah immediately immediately at

12:00

midnight. Pfft. Back

12:02

to Winterbush. And so then he

12:04

said, he did go, like, do you want to come

12:06

back to my place? But in Queens.

12:10

So we drove to his bachelor pad. He

12:15

lived in the basement of a Greek family's home,

12:18

which

12:18

was very of that neighborhood.

12:20

And I remember we were going down the stairs. He

12:23

had that carpet on his stairs that you put

12:25

on outdoor stairs, you know, that kind of

12:28

straw carpet. That's weird. And

12:30

then... Speaking of pubic. Yeah. I

12:33

got very straw-like. And then there was no,

12:35

you know, bachelor pad, like no decor. The

12:37

only thing was a framed

12:40

picture of a sports car.

12:42

No, no, no. Like

12:45

a Formula One or whatever sports

12:47

car? That's the only thing. Yes.

12:49

So you failed to mention that he was 14. Which

12:52

I think is important. That is the only

12:54

thing I had on my wall when I was 14. It

12:56

was a Lamborghini Cuntage. Right.

13:00

Yeah. And then we start making out and

13:02

we are heading towards his

13:04

bedroom. Now I have an extra situation

13:07

here because I have a huge scar on

13:09

my stomach

13:11

from recovering from a car accident

13:13

when I was a kid. And the whole time

13:16

when I became into,

13:17

you know, having sex,

13:20

it was always a thing, especially with casual sex where

13:22

it's like, I'm going to take off my top. Should

13:24

I explain the scar? And

13:26

so I used to like, I had a little bottled

13:29

speech that I would just give.

13:31

Okay. Where I'd be like, hey, you're

13:33

about to see a big scar on my stomach. It's from a car

13:36

accident when I was eight years old. I

13:38

could talk to you about all you want, but just so you know, it doesn't hurt

13:40

when you touch it and it also doesn't feel particularly

13:42

good. So don't feel the need to like rub your penis

13:44

on it or anything like that.

13:46

And, you know, and like. Just

13:50

a landing strip. I

13:53

love that there had been like that. That was a required

13:56

speech, but it was either we're

13:58

not going to touch it or we're going to try.

13:59

I'd fuck it. But then,

14:02

before I even can finish that thought, he's

14:05

about to open the door to his bedroom, and

14:07

he says to me,

14:08

would you like to see something special?

14:11

Oh, no. Uh-oh. Right?

14:13

That's a surprise. Oh, gosh.

14:17

It's another car poster. It's

14:20

my favorite car

14:20

poster. Yeah. So right,

14:23

what do you do? But of course, I

14:25

feel like my girlfriends said, you

14:28

should have left. Or whatever, if they were posed

14:31

that question. No, because the surprise could be chocolate.

14:34

Or he has an iguana. Yeah. Exactly.

14:37

He reveals his room, which

14:40

is filled with a collection

14:43

of

14:44

Garfield's.

14:47

He had like 200 or so Garfield's. They

14:52

were everywhere. Get out of there! Get

14:54

out of there! Wait, no, why?

14:57

I don't understand. There were big ones.

14:59

There were stuffed ones. There were those little

15:02

kind of plastic ones that look like trophies with

15:04

plaques on the bottom and

15:07

different poses, like golfing Garfield

15:09

and trench

15:11

Garfield with a beret. And

15:14

there was a huge one. Oh my god, do they have Indian

15:17

Garfield with a little bindi on? No?

15:21

Oh, look, a Jewish one with a little kitty. Like, that

15:23

would be amazing. Good. Again,

15:28

I'm into that. I'm into that. Like,

15:31

I should have had more luck dating. Maybe I should have

15:33

gone to New York where all the freaks were. It's

15:35

surprising. It was surprising. I

15:38

said to him. Oh my god. So what was your reaction?

15:40

How did you feel? Well,

15:42

first

15:42

I was sort of like, you know, sort of jokey,

15:44

like, oh, if this goes well, do I get

15:46

one? Like, a prize? No, he loves pussies.

15:48

That's what he's telling you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15:51

I love orange pussy. Yeah,

15:53

exactly. Well, you could say flesh colored

15:56

is orange. But

15:58

no, I actually. I said, why?

16:01

I believe I just said a blanket

16:04

sort of why. And

16:06

then he said, oh, I've just been collecting them since

16:08

college. So I told him to take,

16:10

there was a huge one like life size on his

16:12

bed.

16:13

And

16:16

was that where you drew the line and asked him to remove

16:18

it from the bed? And then he's like, now I want Garfield

16:20

to hug you while I fuck you. I know, exactly.

16:23

And so you like sat in him like a chair.

16:27

You know, in a different world, maybe that would have been fun.

16:29

But no, I said, I did

16:32

say, I don't know why. I said, take the three

16:34

biggest ones out. That was sort of my

16:36

idea of like out of the room.

16:39

OK, fine. That was like me

16:40

trying to be exerting

16:43

some control. Standards. So

16:45

then we got undressed. And

16:48

in this shrine to Jim

16:51

Davis, that's right, Jim Davis.

16:54

So then he got undressed. And it turns

16:57

out

16:58

the only thing bigger than his Garfield

17:00

collection was his penis.

17:02

It was the biggest thing I've ever

17:05

seen. Terrifying. Horrifying.

17:08

Right? Yes, horrifying. Yeah,

17:10

I didn't know why. Yeah, he was

17:12

like, it's named Odie. A penis that could

17:14

give my hand a run for its money. Absolutely

17:17

a no-no. It was like just for all your

17:19

listeners. It was like two of her hands,

17:21

OK? Which is

17:22

like, I don't even know what I'm saying right now. That's

17:24

about five foot six. Yeah, that is. That's

17:27

Ariana Grande. But

17:32

you know, the worst sex I've ever

17:34

had, the worst sex I've

17:36

ever had, like clearly, I mean,

17:38

first of all. But you know what? Sorry. But you wanted

17:40

an audience for your newly

17:43

like completely waxed purse. And

17:45

you had 201 viewers. I

17:49

know. Like you had, that bed was

17:51

a stage for your Brazilian.

17:53

It's true. So not just one person saw it. Like

17:56

you, him and his chorus of

17:58

cats were able to.

17:59

to witness your hairless wonder. All

18:03

the Garfield's were like, hates Mondays,

18:06

loves this pussy. Oh

18:09

yeah, that pussy looks like lasagna. I have a question.

18:13

Were you about to say that he said

18:15

his dick was named Odie? Yeah,

18:22

did

18:23

he say that? It was a joke. That was,

18:25

yeah, he was. He did say that? Yeah, yeah.

18:27

That's funny, that's very funny, because Odie looks like a big

18:29

dick. And Odie looks like a big dick with balls.

18:32

Odie's head, or I

18:34

mean, doesn't matter which way you put Odie,

18:35

he's like balls in either and would work. Yeah,

18:39

that's so funny. Oh my God, I

18:41

mean, other than the get up the bad

18:43

sex, there's a lot of keeper material in

18:45

there. And his style

18:47

of having sex, by the way, was

18:49

the, and I had never had this before, which was, you know,

18:52

eyes shut, leaning, he

18:54

was on top of me, just like, just

18:56

going like a jackrabbit, like just super

18:58

fast, jamming. Oh, you can't do that with that

19:00

kind of machinery. That's crazy.

19:03

No, you have to move in like slow-mo,

19:06

like Tom Cruise running in slow

19:08

motion style. Like that is, that is deeply

19:11

unacceptable. I

19:13

needed mission possible, I needed mission

19:16

possible.

19:16

And then, I don't know, he dismounted.

19:20

But no, thankfully he

19:22

came quickly. And then he

19:24

did say,

19:25

do you want me to go down on you or something? And

19:28

I was just like, no. No. Oh my God.

19:31

And then you had to get back from fucking Queens. I

19:34

know. I know.

19:37

With a broken hairless vagina. Did

19:40

you guys like just shake hands and you left right after?

19:43

Yeah. Someone I've

19:45

dated, you know, he was, because he was famous,

19:48

he made the mistake of shagging a fan and

19:51

she did not blink the whole time you were fucking.

19:53

She did like- She was recording

19:56

it. She, yeah, she was an MRI scan

19:58

of like every-

19:59

on his head like it was crazy.

20:03

I did not think it was like dry eyed at the

20:06

end of the show. There's

20:10

a happy medium there, but anyway,

20:13

we will be back with more dates right after this. Bad

20:15

dates.

20:23

Kurt,

20:23

your date is titled

20:25

The Dummy. I have no idea what has

20:27

happened. I haven't been told anything.

20:30

So this is breaking news.

20:34

There's a large preamble prior

20:36

to the date because there's a lot of stuff you need to

20:38

understand. So

20:41

my very first gig in show

20:43

business when I was like 23 or something

20:45

like that was

20:48

a prank show for

20:50

country music television

20:53

called Prankville. And

20:56

I was a person who pranked

20:58

people and

21:01

I'm not proud of it now, but

21:04

I was young and naive

21:07

and very excited to be on TV. And

21:11

one of the pranks that I had to do was, I

21:16

had to go out on dates. So women would

21:18

set their friends up on a blind date and

21:20

then those women would show up to the blind date

21:23

and it would be me on the blind

21:25

date with them. And then like two minutes into

21:27

the date, I would say, I want you to meet my best

21:29

friend. And then I would pull out a ventriloquist

21:32

dummy out of a suitcase that

21:34

looked and was dressed exactly like

21:36

me. And then I would only talk to the women

21:39

through the ventriloquist dummy the whole night

21:42

until they essentially left. That was

21:44

the point of it was to get them to

21:46

be upset and leave because

21:48

that's how pranks work.

21:50

See, I am already turned

21:53

on by this idea. So like I would have been terrible

21:55

on the show because that is exactly

21:57

my vibe. Are you a good ventriloquist?

21:59

Could you? No, I don't ventriloquism.

22:02

I don't, I can't even know, I don't even know

22:04

what the proper verb of it is. I don't ventriloquism

22:07

at

22:07

all. So

22:09

it would just be me moving my

22:11

mouth while the puppet moved its mouth, right?

22:14

And, and you know, this is, it's a prank

22:16

show. So there's hidden cameras everywhere. And I have

22:19

like a little earwig in my ear so

22:21

that the producers can talk to me but

22:24

she can't see it or know about it. And,

22:27

and I pull, so we do it to one woman and

22:29

it goes fine. You know, they get some good reactions

22:32

or whatever they want. And then the next

22:34

woman comes in and

22:36

I pull it out and immediately her

22:38

eyes just get like really big. And

22:40

I can tell like she's like deeply terrified.

22:44

And she, she just is like, oh no, no,

22:46

no, no, no, no. Like, I don't like,

22:48

I don't like dummies. I don't like, I don't

22:50

like those. Please put it away. And

22:52

then, you know, the producer or mayor was like, oh

22:55

yeah. Oh no. And she's

22:57

like, do not put it away. And

23:00

so then I have to just like keep talking to this woman.

23:02

And I'm starting to feel like terrible about

23:04

this. She's obviously like very scared.

23:06

And like the dummy is just being

23:08

like, why don't we, why don't we lose the big

23:10

guy and go back to his place? Like I had

23:12

all these scripted lines I was supposed to say. And

23:15

so. You tried to make the dummy like pick up a knife

23:17

and just sort of jab it out a few times.

23:19

Yeah, because

23:21

I wanted to scare her even further.

23:24

She was already at a place of pure terror. I

23:26

wanted to actually have her scared for her life.

23:29

So.

23:29

But she was hanging around, which is already

23:32

amazing to me.

23:33

She's, this is like, it's a very quick

23:35

date. So she says to me like,

23:37

please, will you please talk to me? I don't want

23:39

to talk to the dummy. Please talk to me. And

23:41

then in my ear, the producer's like, do not talk

23:44

to her. And so I just keep doing the thing that I'm supposed

23:46

to be doing. Then I'm paid to be doing, it's like talking to her

23:48

through the dummy. And

23:51

so eventually she just, she's

23:53

just like, I can't, I can't, she's just like having

23:55

a panic attack. She like pushes away

23:57

from the table and gets up and just starts like walking.

24:00

leaving. And then

24:02

the producers like go after her, you have to like get

24:05

her to, we have to get her to sign a release still,

24:07

like to tell her it's a prank show. So

24:09

then I start to follow her and then she

24:11

looks and sees me like coming after

24:13

her and then she starts to run. And

24:16

then I'm like chasing

24:18

this woman and I like, we exit the

24:21

restaurant, she starts to run down the fucking street.

24:24

And so I like, I'm like, I realize I can't,

24:26

I'm like, so I like run like a quarter block

24:28

and then I'm like, what am I doing? So I'm

24:29

just yelling. So, so I'm not physically

24:32

coming close to her, you know, going like, it's

24:34

a prank show. Your friends set you up. This is a

24:36

prank show.

24:37

Yeah. Women don't mind being screamed at in the

24:39

dark at night. That's definitely fun. I need a release.

24:42

I think a

24:42

guy yelling that would be good. I need

24:44

a release. Come

24:50

back and give us our release.

24:57

I never even thought about that joke. That is such

24:59

a funny joke. And

25:01

so then she turns around and

25:04

she just screams, I don't believe

25:06

you. Like she just doesn't believe

25:08

me. And I'm like, I swear to God, your friend

25:10

is back here.

25:12

She's here. And I said her friend's

25:14

name. I was like, and I was like, guys, send her

25:16

friend out. And so I'm holding my ear saying,

25:18

guys, send a friend out. She's really scared. Send

25:20

a friend out. And but we've run

25:22

out of the restaurant. So I am beyond

25:25

like the reception for my mic

25:27

so no one inside can hear me. So

25:29

you're trying to have to. Oh, no. So you're going to have

25:31

to try and coax her back. So, yeah.

25:33

So from her perspective, I'm just like a

25:35

guy on the street, like who's a

25:38

goes around with a dummy and then is just talking to

25:40

the air going, send your friend out, guys,

25:43

send her friend out like a car is going to pull up with

25:45

her like friend in the trunk or something.

25:48

And and then finally, I'm like, just stay

25:50

there. And I run inside. I get the producers. I bring

25:52

the producers out and they

25:54

show her friend is there. She sees that she's still

25:56

scared, even after she sees the cameras that

25:59

her friend is.

25:59

Her friend tells her that she set her up.

26:02

All this stuff, she then has to, she's so upset.

26:05

She needs to sit and watch me do

26:07

it to another woman and use all the

26:09

same lines until she knows it's like fully scripted.

26:12

So that is the, just

26:13

the beginning. Wow. Okay. And

26:17

here's- Oh shit. Yeah, where is she

26:19

now? Oh my God. Fast

26:21

forward

26:22

like six years and I'm at

26:24

a party and I

26:26

was like, where is everybody smoking weed? I was like wandering

26:29

around and then I was like, there was just a room that

26:31

was closed. And so I was like, is everybody smoking weed in

26:33

here? And I opened the door. And as

26:35

I opened the door, she's in that room with a group

26:38

of people and she has just taken like

26:41

a big hit off of a pipe and

26:43

I opened the door and she sees me and I shit you

26:45

not. She just went, it's him. To

26:49

her friend and her friend knew who she

26:51

was talking about.

26:52

And

26:56

I was like, and I immediately was like, I'm

26:58

so sorry, I'm so sorry. I

27:01

apologize over and over and over again for

27:03

it. Did you recognize her immediately? Yes, I totally immediately recognized

27:06

her because

27:08

also I remember on the date

27:10

feeling specifically bad because

27:13

I found her, I was like, oh, we would get along

27:15

in real life. Meaning she

27:18

seemed cool and I found her attractive, right? Right,

27:20

right, right.

27:21

And like she was a little punky. And

27:26

so then we start talking that night

27:29

and we end up getting along.

27:32

And then I ask her out on a real date

27:34

and she says yes. And

27:37

so then we go on

27:39

the most surreal date.

27:41

Please tell me you brought your puppet. I

27:44

know, I wish, I no longer had it. It

27:47

would have been, because that is the thing. It's

27:49

the ultimate cool back. It's

27:51

the ultimate, if I had done it or just even

27:53

had like a. Sock puppet. A

27:56

sock puppet would have been great.

27:59

it just felt like she expected

28:02

me to prank her the whole time. And so she

28:04

was suspicious of me the whole time. And

28:06

I just kept trying to make jokes like, this is,

28:08

it was a, I'm not kidding, like, I'm a nice guy. This

28:11

was just like a thing, it was a show

28:13

that I did for money. Uh, and

28:15

eventually, midway

28:16

through the day, I was like, should

28:18

we just not? Should we stop this?

28:20

And she's like, okay. And so then we just

28:22

like, we didn't even hug. Well, I don't even think

28:24

we shook hands. We literally were like,

28:27

and good day, sir. And like

28:29

just walked in our separate directions. And

28:31

I've never heard or spoke to her again.

28:34

Oh my God. Okay. Wait, I have so many questions.

28:36

So first of all, why was she so afraid

28:38

of dummies? I don't know. I think it's

28:41

one of those things. It's like clowns. How did you never find

28:43

that out? What's wrong with you? Me?

28:46

Didn't you know that one day you would be telling this story on

28:48

my podcast? Were you not at all curious?

28:54

I know. It is, it's really, it is

28:56

a fault of my own personal. For

28:59

shortcomings.

29:00

I just like, I personally

29:02

am like completely attracted to the ridiculous. Like

29:04

that is my exact like my...

29:07

Me as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

29:09

I definitely like, that is where all my

29:12

attraction to people comes from. So if you look at all the

29:14

people I've dated, none of them look anything

29:17

alike. You can't pin down like any type

29:20

of mine. I do have like

29:22

a

29:23

proclivity towards short,

29:27

curvaceous Italian men. But that's because

29:29

I think I played so much Super Mario when I was younger. So

29:32

I think it created like a kink. But

29:35

other than that, like there's no

29:37

like, there's no definitive type that I

29:39

have other than they're all funny.

29:41

Other, except all of them have

29:43

an unattached job that

29:45

just kind of jiggles back and forth when they

29:47

talk. That's the only thing that unifies

29:50

all of them.

29:50

Affira, do you have any questions

29:52

for Kurt? Well, I guess I do

29:55

wonder, first of all, I'm

29:57

giving you credit on your second

29:59

date.

29:59

let's call it your second date, whatever

30:02

that thing was, that you

30:04

had the wherewithal to call

30:06

it. Like, I do appreciate that you

30:08

as a guy, like felt

30:11

some vibe in mood in the room.

30:13

And you were like, do you want to end this? And she

30:15

was

30:15

like, yeah, let's just turn

30:18

it off. And then you both

30:20

were like, and curtains. And you were

30:22

out of there. But I also- You're so

30:24

right. I found that so revolutionary when I heard

30:26

about it. I was like, fucking hell. Like, we

30:28

can tap out of almost anything,

30:30

but you're not allowed to tap out of a date. Like, we

30:32

need to, we can start a movement right

30:35

here, right now, guys.

30:36

Yeah. Yeah. It's

30:38

like every date needs a safe word or something

30:41

like that. Like, safe words aren't just for- Or a little bell, I

30:43

was thinking.

30:44

No? Yes. Yes,

30:46

a date bell. Ding. All

30:49

right. Well, we did our best,

30:51

everybody. Yeah. I just think that would

30:53

be so amazing. That would be so amazing. That

30:56

is

30:56

also like, when you're saying like, oh, well, this is such

30:58

a great to just call the date. Like, wow,

31:00

what a revolutionary idea. There was

31:03

no way that this date was

31:05

going to end in sex. It was

31:07

like, I had trapped a deer

31:12

in an elementary

31:14

school on slippery floors. Like,

31:16

that was her whole vibe of being like

31:18

very unsure and not

31:20

really wanting to be there. So, like,

31:23

it was almost just like, I was like,

31:25

oh, I'm not keeping you hostage.

31:27

And it was just like, okay, great, it's over. You

31:29

were like, you were saving someone's misery.

31:31

You're like, you are miserable, I

31:33

will let you go. You're euthanizing,

31:35

it's euthanizing. Yeah, right, exactly.

31:38

It's a euthanizing of the date. Yeah, you're

31:40

killing the deer. Killed the deer.

31:41

Yeah, exactly. Instead of just opening the door. I

31:45

was once on a date with someone and he, I

31:49

can't say his name because he was in the public eye, but he asked

31:52

me out and I said, no. And

31:55

he was like, are you even attracted to me? And I said, no.

31:58

And then he called me again.

31:59

cab in literally five seconds.

32:02

It was literally like, say no to me, Kurt, and I'll...

32:06

Uh, no. Hello? Hello?

32:08

Yeah. Addison Lee. That's the cab company.

32:10

Literally that fast. He had them on speed

32:13

dial and they were outside in two

32:15

minutes. And I, you know what, hilariously,

32:17

because I thought that was so funny, I then became attracted

32:19

to him, but didn't say anything because I was like, I'd be just too

32:21

cliche. But like, I immediately was drawn

32:24

to him as soon as he did something so funny

32:26

as to throw me out of his house within

32:28

two seconds of saying I wasn't

32:31

attracted to him. I was like, the fact that he wasn't going to play

32:33

some bullshit long game with me and like, that's okay.

32:35

We can just be friends where he then still tries to fuck me

32:37

for the next six months.

32:38

I was like, oh my God, funny, straightforward,

32:41

rude. I'm in. I'm

32:45

fucked up. I need more therapy, but we

32:47

will have more bad dates right

32:50

after this. Bad

32:51

dates.

32:57

Bad dates.

32:59

And we're back. So, Afeera,

33:01

Kurt, I made

33:03

what's maybe the mistake of asking

33:06

the internet for some bad date stories

33:08

and boy did they deliver. I only put this up

33:10

for like one hour to see what would come in. And

33:13

it was pretty fucking

33:15

staggering as to what's out there. I think one of the things that

33:17

I want to achieve with this podcast is that I

33:19

want to make single people feel less

33:22

alone out there in the wild. And I want

33:24

to make people who aren't single feel

33:26

deeply relieved and grateful who

33:29

they have or inspired to leave

33:31

and get out there on this wild, into

33:34

the wild, wild west. But some

33:36

of the stories I got are

33:38

as follows.

33:39

We'll start with Tana who said,

33:41

on my worst date, we went to a play without knowing

33:44

it was all about suicide. And we had both recently

33:46

lost friends. We were both super sad

33:48

and oversharing afterward, and then went to sit

33:51

in her car to talk and process. And

33:53

then she throws me two curveballs.

33:55

Number one, she starts streaming an

33:57

episode of Family Guy on her phone. Who's that?

33:59

And

34:02

two, this is all in the car

34:04

by the way, and two, the interior of

34:06

her car is covered in bird shit because

34:08

she really loved her pet bird and she would just

34:11

let him fly around her car uncaged

34:14

and was apparently just poop blind, an

34:16

absolute roller coaster from tragedy to

34:18

awkwardness to sheer disgust.

34:20

That's

34:23

amazing. By the way, you know,

34:25

again, putting a bird

34:28

inside of a car for freedom does

34:30

not sound

34:31

like freedom. It sounds rude. Honestly,

34:34

it sounds rude. This is what you

34:36

could be doing by yourself. Check

34:39

it out. You can't sit in

34:40

the chair. Look through the window at other

34:42

free birds as we drive by. At

34:47

a speed you could probably fly if I didn't clip

34:49

your wigs every three weeks. Oh

34:52

my god. That's really fucking horrifying.

34:54

Yeah, I think needless to say that didn't

34:57

go anywhere. There's

34:59

another one that I just want to run past you because

35:01

I think

35:02

it's so weird that it's one of my favorite

35:05

stories ever. This is from someone who

35:07

wrote in, he said, a guy picked me up for our first

35:09

date that I met off Tinder. He took

35:11

me to his parents cottage in the middle of nowhere,

35:14

red flag, and then proceeded to show

35:16

me his axe collection,

35:18

including

35:20

his favorite axe that he used to. She

35:23

says this in caps lock, cut his

35:25

hair.

35:26

I did not see that, Kelly. Who

35:32

is out there?

35:32

I'm

35:35

amazed that she's alive to send me

35:37

that DM. Took her to a cabin

35:39

in the middle of the woods and then thought it would

35:41

make her feel safe to show her

35:44

his fucking axe collection. Well,

35:47

I mean, if you've already

35:48

accepted Cabin in the Woods, if

35:51

you're already like, yeah, some came from Cabin in the Woods. I

35:54

guess you have to be prepared for a little axe collection.

35:57

How do you cut your hair with an axe? I

35:59

can't figure it out.

36:00

We're hoping head hair, not pubes. That

36:02

Brazilian would be extremely dangerous.

36:05

Do you have really long hair, and so you can drape

36:07

it over a wood stump?

36:09

I honestly think that my truthful,

36:13

not funny reaction is that he was

36:15

probably very, very proud of that. To get

36:17

an axe sharp enough to cut hair takes

36:20

a long, long time of sharpening. So

36:22

he was like very proud, and he probably was like, I could cut my

36:24

hair with this. Why do you know

36:25

this? I know it sounds

36:27

very... I go in the woods. I am a woodsman.

36:30

I sharpen axes, I sharpen knives.

36:33

I know it takes... it's like

36:34

it's an accomplishment. All

36:37

right, so... Oh my God, if only he'd taken Kurt

36:39

on that day. I would have been psyched. That

36:41

would have been like, that's pretty cool. You would

36:43

have been rock hard at the sight of this. And

36:45

by he, you mean Kurt.

36:48

If this is written about Kurt, this would

36:51

be... I

36:54

do have two axes that I keep near my

36:56

bed for intruders.

37:00

I have intruder axes because

37:02

I'm not going to have a gun, but

37:05

I do find me

37:07

having an axe is as dumb as having a gun because

37:10

it assumes that if there's an intruder, I'm

37:12

assuming that if there's an intruder asleep

37:16

and just barely awake,

37:18

I will then be able to fight a man with

37:21

an axe, which I've never had

37:23

to do in my entire life, that I'm going to like learn

37:25

that skill in

37:26

that moment. But wait, are you planning to like hit him with the axe

37:28

or throw the axe at him? I

37:31

would not throw it because I'd probably miss and

37:33

then I would just be giving him an axe. But

37:35

you have two. You're giving him an axe already.

37:38

I have two. Now that's for both hands.

37:40

That's for both hands. This has ended

37:42

up in so many places I didn't expect. I

37:45

have overshared in ways that I didn't

37:47

anticipate and I don't even know how I feel

37:49

about. I've truly exposed

37:51

myself. But

37:53

guys, you've been absolutely ideal and

37:55

I'm happy to know that you are still alive and

37:58

safe through these days.

37:59

And also, one of my favorite things about this

38:02

show is the fact that one date story,

38:04

they are Pringles. They are conversational Pringles.

38:07

You just can't have... They lead to so many

38:09

more. And I think it really shows how

38:11

much we block out. The way that I could see

38:13

both of your memories triggered about any

38:16

kind of new detail, about a different scenario

38:18

as to how many shit dates we've had. It's

38:20

just a very universally bonding subject.

38:23

And I thank you for being here to bond with me today.

38:25

I feel better. Thank you. Thank

38:27

you. Great free therapy session.

38:33

Kurt Braunerler's new stand-up special, Perfectly

38:35

Stupid, is available on YouTube and he co-hosts

38:38

the podcast, Bananas. And Afira Eisenberg's

38:40

new comedy special, Plant Based Jokes, is streaming

38:42

on YouTube now and she is the host of the podcast,

38:45

Parenting as a Joke.

38:47

Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media

38:50

and Wandery. Created

38:52

by Robert Cohen. Executive

38:54

producers are Robert Cohen and Jameela Jamil.

38:56

That's

38:57

me. Produced by Stuart Bailey.

39:00

Produced, engineered and edited by Devon

39:03

Torrey Bryant.

39:04

Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate

39:07

producer is Maddie McCann. Music

39:10

by Cushie and Evan Schletta. Executive

39:13

producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman

39:15

and Sean Hayes. Executive

39:18

producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson

39:20

and Bernie Kaminsky. If

39:23

you've

39:23

had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all

39:25

about it, our number is 984-264-9000. That's

39:28

532-83 and our email is baddatespod

39:31

at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear

39:33

all about it. That's all for this

39:35

week. We will see you next time for

39:37

more Bad Dates.

39:56

Bye! on

40:00

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