0:01

The following podcast is a Dear Media

0:03

production. Welcome

0:10

to Balance Black Girl. My name is

0:12

Les. I'm your host. Thank you so

0:14

much for tuning in. This podcast is

0:17

all about conversations that help us feel

0:19

healthy, happy, thriving, things that we are

0:21

all trying to be. And

0:24

so far this month, we've had

0:26

a lot of incredible guests who

0:28

have taught us a lot about

0:30

personal growth and embracing our own

0:32

journeys and navigating our glow ups.

0:35

But I felt like we were a little overdue

0:37

for a solo episode. So today it is just

0:40

me doing a little bit of

0:42

a life update. And then we're going to go

0:44

in with some Q&A. I am

0:46

testing out a new experiment here on

0:48

the show called Ask Les, where y'all

0:50

submitted some amazing questions that you wanted

0:53

my take and my advice on. So

0:55

I'm really, really excited to dig into

0:57

that. But first, we are

0:59

long overdue for a life catch up.

1:01

The last time we had a life

1:04

update was when I brought the show

1:06

back from the summer hiatus. I

1:08

was still traveling. I was still a

1:10

little bit all over the place, but

1:13

I'm excited to report that we're settling

1:15

back down and we're easing back into

1:17

a regular routine. So if

1:19

you've been following me all year, you may know that I

1:21

have been traveling for most of the year. I've

1:24

been living in LA for the past four

1:26

years. And then last spring, packed

1:28

up all my stuff, I put it in storage

1:31

and I've been traveling ever since. And I went

1:33

to Europe and I went home to Seattle and

1:35

I did a bunch of mini trips around the US and

1:37

I spent some time in New York. And

1:39

I was trying to decide where I wanted to

1:41

land and where I wanted to be. Going back

1:44

to LA could have been

1:46

really easy and really comfortable. And so

1:48

I thought about going back and just

1:50

doing that. And then I

1:52

had been spending some time in New York and

1:55

really, really liking New York, surprisingly,

1:58

kind of more than I thought. I

2:00

would and then felt kind of

2:02

a pull to stay there. And so for a lot

2:04

of that time, I was really torn back and forth

2:06

between do I go back to L.A.

2:08

or do I stay in New York

2:11

and try out a new city, a new

2:13

coast and new everything for a little while. And

2:15

if you've really been listening to the show

2:17

this year, then you know, last

2:19

June, I had my girl, Simone Elisa, on

2:21

the show. And that was right before

2:23

I was gearing up to travel. And I

2:26

had told her kind of about my

2:28

plans for the year where I was

2:30

going, everything that I was doing. And

2:32

she called me out and she said

2:34

that she thought that I was going to go to New

2:36

York in the fall and that I was going to love it and

2:38

that I was going to decide to stay there. And

2:41

I'm reporting that Simone was

2:43

right. That Simone was

2:46

right. I did come to New York. I did really

2:48

enjoy it. I'm not ready to leave. So

2:50

I'm going to stay. I ended

2:53

up getting an apartment in New York and

2:55

I'm going to be officially moving after the

2:57

holidays. I'm heading back to the West Coast

2:59

to spend some time with family and close

3:01

out things there. And then

3:03

I'm going to officially move from the West

3:05

to the East after the holidays in the

3:08

new year. So if you've been catching up

3:10

with all of my travels and following me

3:12

around this nomadic lifestyle I've had over the

3:15

past six months, thank you. It has been

3:17

an adventure. We have been in

3:19

it together because as a routine, Oriana Gal

3:21

who has had no routines, it has been

3:23

really fun to be a little bit more

3:26

flexible. And I've also missed

3:28

having a little bit of regularity. And I

3:30

also realized that I was a little too

3:32

strict with my routines before and that I

3:34

like being somewhere in the middle. I like

3:37

having a solid foundation with some flexibility thrown

3:39

in. So that's going to be my groove

3:41

moving forward. So extended

3:44

New York era loading. I feel like

3:46

that's probably the least surprising news ever

3:48

because I was getting a lot of

3:50

DMs, especially messages and comments on TikTok

3:52

where people are like, girl, you're not

3:55

going back to LA. And I feel

3:57

like everybody saw it before I saw

3:59

it. But that's that's

4:01

the big update. That's what we're doing. So things

4:04

are gonna be a little bit different I think when I have

4:06

my own place and a little bit more

4:08

normalcy in a brand new city and for

4:10

those who have been following Me from the

4:12

beginning like from my still living

4:15

in Seattle to moving to LA

4:17

to moving now to New York Then

4:19

you've just seen me through it all

4:22

but I'm actually really excited for this new chapter I think

4:25

that it's something that I need it's definitely

4:27

pushing me outside of my comfort zone in

4:29

a lot of ways like there's a Definitely

4:31

a lot of grit and it's not easy

4:33

and I've also experienced things here that aren't

4:35

easy But I feel like

4:37

I'm in a season where that's kind of what

4:39

I need and I love ease and I love

4:41

softness I think I will always create a life

4:43

for myself that does have a certain amount of

4:45

ease and softness But I'm also

4:47

in a season of wanting to kind of

4:49

get after it and that's just the energy

4:52

that's really resonating with me right now so

4:54

we'll see how this new season goes,

4:56

but I think that has been the

4:59

Information or answer that everybody has been waiting for is

5:02

like where is less gonna land Less

5:04

is going to be landing in New

5:06

York after the holidays. So very excited

5:08

for my East Coast girly era loading

5:11

Now the next thing also if you

5:13

follow me on tik-tok The tik-tok family has

5:15

gotten all of the tea beforehand

5:17

because I did share that

5:19

on tik-tok beforehand I also on

5:22

tik-tok have been posting about something

5:24

called the successful era and the

5:26

successful era is me Getting

5:28

back to my wellness routines and getting my shit

5:31

together in a lot of ways because as much

5:33

fun as I've had Traveling and being all over

5:35

the place this year. It is

5:37

absolutely wreaked havoc on my wellness

5:39

I recently got some blood work

5:41

done through the company

5:43

joy, which is one of our podcast

5:45

sponsors They're an amazing clinic that offers

5:48

women's wellness through Comprehensive

5:50

lab testing and then you get personalized

5:52

wellness plans depending on your results So

5:54

I got my blood work done and

5:57

it was the most humbling experience of my

5:59

life especially as a self-proclaimed wellness girlie.

6:01

And it really showed me how much the

6:03

last six months had caught up to me

6:05

and how much I really needed to prioritize

6:07

my wellness again, which is really hard to

6:10

do when I was taking red-eye flights and

6:12

I was eating out and I was traveling

6:14

and I was still pretty

6:16

active, but not really being intentional about

6:18

my activity. So a few

6:20

weeks ago, I decided to embark on

6:22

what was called the successful era, which

6:24

is basically me setting a foundation to

6:26

be as successful as possible. Not

6:28

only did I get my blood work results

6:31

back that weren't the best and I really

6:33

want to improve on that, but I also

6:35

recently have had different opportunities where

6:37

I was in really cool spaces and

6:39

really cool rooms and great events. And

6:42

I wasn't able to fully work

6:44

it in the way that I would like to

6:46

work it because my wellness was not up to

6:49

par. My stamina was not up to par. I

6:51

was exhausted. I wasn't feeding myself properly.

6:54

So I couldn't really show up, work

6:56

my magic, network and take

6:58

advantage of those opportunities in the

7:00

way that I wanted to. And I realized that

7:02

not taking care of my own wellness was kind

7:04

of fumbling the bag a bit. So the successful

7:06

era is basically me seriously recommitting

7:08

to my wellness habits so that I

7:10

can really create a foundation of feeling

7:13

well to be as successful as possible

7:15

because it's really hard to be successful

7:17

when you aren't eating, when you aren't sleeping, when

7:19

you don't have energy, when you aren't taking care

7:21

of myself. And so that's what

7:23

I'm really focused on. So some things that I've been

7:25

doing for the successful era is really focusing on my

7:28

sleep. You'll know I'm an Ora Ring girly. I always

7:30

have my Ora Ring on. So I've been paying a

7:32

lot more attention to the insights. What

7:34

each night of sleep is telling me, paying attention to

7:36

what I'm doing. How do I sleep when I have

7:38

my magnesium? How do I sleep when I have tea?

7:40

How do I sleep when I watch TV

7:42

versus when I don't? And I've been really

7:44

aiming to get seven hours of sleep per

7:46

night. Sometimes I've done it, sometimes not.

7:49

So I'm still working on that. I've also

7:51

been really intentional about my exercise. So I

7:53

love exercise. I love being active, but my

7:55

activity was kind of all over the place.

7:57

I would take random classes or I would

7:59

walk a lot. But I hadn't really been

8:01

following a program to help me feel as good as I

8:03

want to feel So I'm a fan

8:05

of the alive app, which is by Whitney Simmons I

8:07

have a lot of really great strength training programs in

8:09

it So I've been doing three strength

8:11

training workouts from alive each week And

8:14

then I've been doing either yoga or

8:16

Pilates two days a week and that has been

8:18

a really great balance for me and I've seen

8:20

really good results from it just physically and energetically

8:23

from doing those things and Pilates I

8:26

Know we've all had our Pilates moment after

8:29

Laurie Harvey's comments at the Met gala last

8:31

year But it is so humbling

8:33

and it is so hard and

8:35

it it's leaving me sore in places

8:37

that I never would have guessed So

8:40

that balance has been really great and

8:42

then recommitting to my reading practices I

8:44

have also been focusing on what's called reach outs So

8:46

I read this book called reach out and I will

8:49

link it in the show notes so that y'all can

8:51

check it out But it's a really great book to

8:53

help with your networking And

8:55

basically the point of a reach out is

8:57

that every week day? You reach

8:59

out to either somebody who you want to be

9:02

in your network or somebody who already is in

9:04

your network to maintain that Connection so whether that

9:06

is reaching out asking for a coffee

9:08

chat asking for a favor connecting with

9:10

them offering a favor You are just

9:12

making a concerted effort each work day

9:15

to connect with a new person So

9:17

I've also been doing that and that has

9:19

been really really wonderful for helping me expand

9:22

my network it's also great for introverts

9:24

if you're somebody who maybe struggles at

9:26

networking events or prefers

9:28

to kind of start things off with

9:30

digital communication just reaching out and emailing

9:32

or DMing one person a day is

9:34

very very doable for

9:36

the introverted folks and Then

9:39

another thing that I've been doing for the

9:41

successful era is really trying to get in

9:44

my speaking bag So I have been actively

9:46

looking for opportunities to book speaking engagements, which

9:48

has also been going really well So I'm

9:50

just treating this time over the next few

9:52

months as a personal experiment for my successful

9:54

era I do plan on going

9:57

more in-depth about the successful era in the

9:59

new year online the podcast because I want to

10:01

have a couple months of it under my belt

10:03

to be able to give you all the results

10:05

and to tell you a little bit more about

10:07

what I learned, what worked, what didn't work, and

10:10

hopefully provide some inspiration in the new year. So

10:12

I will have a full episode on it. But

10:14

over the past few weeks, it's been really, really

10:16

helping me refocus and recenter

10:18

and get back on track, which has

10:20

been so helpful because I needed it.

10:27

And the way you can know me is to know

10:29

how much I love Notion and use it to run

10:31

my entire life. When I was making a

10:33

plan to pay off my student loans, I made it in

10:35

Notion. Organizing my holiday

10:37

shopping, doing it in Notion. The

10:40

daily work I do to keep this

10:42

podcast up and running, we do it

10:44

all in Notion because it's an amazing,

10:46

intuitive, all-in-one tool. And

10:49

just when I thought Notion couldn't get

10:51

any better, they introduced Notion AI. Notion

10:54

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10:57

your questions using information from across your

10:59

wiki, projects, docs, and meeting notes. So

11:02

if you need an answer to a

11:04

question that's found within another doc or

11:06

that you'd ask someone on your team,

11:08

you can ask Notion AI and get

11:10

your answer without leaving the current project

11:12

or document that you're working in. I

11:15

use Notion AI to generate podcast

11:18

episode titles, content ideas, meeting notes,

11:20

and to communicate with my team.

11:23

Essentially, Notion AI is a secure way

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to help you focus on your most

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efficient work. Try

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Try the powerful, easy to use

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when you use your link, you're supporting

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our show. So it's a win-win. Again,

11:54

that's notion.com/balanced. The

12:03

next thing as far as the way that goes, so

12:06

again, I love TikTok. If you don't follow

12:08

me on TikTok, please do. I'm at Balance

12:10

Less. The past maybe

12:13

month or so that the podcast has been back and

12:15

now that we have video, I'm hearing so many people

12:17

be like, less, I listened to the podcast and I

12:19

love it and I didn't know what you look like.

12:23

Friend, if you didn't know what

12:25

I look like, that's because you weren't following me

12:27

on Instagram or TikTok and I need, I need

12:29

us to fix that. So I'm at Balance Less

12:31

on Instagram and on TikTok. I need y'all to

12:33

follow me both places because I thought

12:36

we were friends. I thought that's what friends do. Okay.

12:38

So if you follow me there, you will, you'll see,

12:40

you'll see maybe more of me than you want, but

12:43

I don't know. Maybe that's good. Maybe that's bad. I

12:45

don't know. Anyway, I love TikTok. I've been

12:48

a lot more active over there and one of

12:50

the trends on TikTok that I'm really loving is

12:52

called the weekly report that everybody

12:54

is posting and I've been posting them

12:56

for the past few weeks and it's

12:58

been really fun. So report as an

13:01

acronym stands for what we're reading, what

13:03

we're eating, what we are playing, what

13:06

we're recommending, obsessed

13:09

with, you know, obsessed with recommending and

13:11

then treating ourselves too. So that's what

13:13

report stands for. So I thought it

13:15

would also be fun to share my

13:17

most recent report here on the podcast

13:19

for when I do solo episodes. So the

13:22

first R is for reading. The

13:24

book that I am currently reading is called

13:26

Songs of Irie, which is by Asha Bromfield.

13:28

I love Asha. She's been a guest here

13:30

on the podcast. We talked about her first

13:32

novel, Hurricane Summer, which emotionally wrecked me. Songs

13:35

of Irie, I just started, but it's

13:37

also already emotionally wrecking me and it's

13:40

so good and I am learning actually

13:42

a lot about Jamaican culture. Asha is

13:44

Jamaican and so both of her books

13:47

take place in Jamaica and just share

13:49

a lot of really interesting insight into

13:51

Jamaican culture. So I'm actually really loving

13:53

learning more about that culture. So that's

13:55

the book that I'm currently reading. The book that

13:58

I most recently read was called The Neighbor's I

14:01

have not been able to shut up about the

14:03

neighbor favor because it is the cutest

14:06

Most sweetest romance novel if you

14:08

like romance novels You have to read the

14:10

neighbor favor or if you're just looking for

14:12

something kind of light cute fun It's

14:15

such a good read the characters are

14:17

so good. You'll start this book and it will just

14:19

grab you immediately I read it

14:21

in about 48 hours because I

14:23

just was obsessed and couldn't put it

14:26

down It's just it's like a good

14:28

sweet romance for all the lover

14:30

girls So songs of iris what I'm

14:32

currently reading the neighbor favor is what

14:34

I finished most recently For

14:37

e eating I've just been

14:39

trying to focus on getting as much

14:41

protein in as possible Because

14:43

I'm focusing more on strength training I

14:45

really want to have more protein to

14:47

help me build healthy muscle Also when

14:49

I got my blood work back my

14:51

blood sugar wasn't looking super great And

14:53

so the dietitian that I worked with

14:56

recommended that I focus more on protein

14:58

in my diet And anytime

15:00

that I do eat more kind of carb-heavy foods

15:02

pairing that with a protein So I've been

15:04

really leaning into protein first meals

15:07

eating a lot of things like Greek yogurt

15:09

cottage cheese Collagen peptides

15:11

putting that in my coffee Rotisserie

15:14

chicken been going through like a rotisserie chicken every

15:16

time I go to the grocery store So just

15:18

really focusing more on protein It's not super exciting,

15:20

but it has been really helpful for just helping

15:22

me have more energy and feel more full as

15:25

for playing Okay

15:27

on tiktok when I share my weekly reports. I

15:30

will usually talk about what song I'm obsessed with

15:32

I'm gonna switch it up a little bit for

15:34

the podcast and I've been playing a lot with

15:36

my makeup So something that I've been focusing

15:39

on a lot in 2023

15:41

is improving my makeup skills and I'm really

15:43

proud of myself because my makeup Application skills

15:45

have gotten so much better part of what

15:48

has forced me to do that is this

15:50

podcast and being on camera because I

15:52

can't be out here looking a mess

15:54

and then also just being in studio.

15:57

The lights are really unforgiving and if

15:59

you're not applying your makeup well and

16:01

kind of heavy-handed, it will flush you

16:03

out and it will just make your

16:05

face, it'll kind of flush out your features.

16:07

And so it's forced me to have to

16:09

get better at my makeup application. But

16:12

I spent a lot of money at Sephora this

16:14

year. I may or may not have reached Rouge.

16:17

Don't know if I'm proud of that. But I've been

16:19

playing a lot with different makeup techniques, really

16:21

learning how to get my base down

16:24

like foundation and things like that were never

16:26

something that I really used before 2023. So

16:28

I've been playing a lot with different foundations

16:30

as well as iLookz to try and help

16:32

my features kind of stand out more when

16:34

I'm on camera. So I still

16:36

have a ways to go and a lot to learn, but it's

16:38

been really fun to play and makeup. So for

16:40

O, obsessed with, I mean,

16:43

I have definitely been obsessed with getting

16:45

back to romance novels. I had been

16:47

reading some personal development books and I

16:49

still am as part of the successful

16:51

era. But I just, I

16:53

forgot how much I love a good

16:56

romance. And I feel like I've

16:58

just been kind of obsessed with

17:00

all things romance. I've been very

17:02

big into romanticizing my life, buying

17:04

myself flowers. My music tastes lately

17:07

have been all like

17:09

slow jams and love songs. And I've

17:11

just been giddy

17:13

and simpy and all

17:15

about love lately. I don't know what

17:17

I mean. Something is helping

17:20

to defrost my ice cold heart. Like I

17:22

don't know what the deal is, but I've

17:24

just been obsessed with like love and the

17:27

idea of love, which is coming out in

17:29

all the mushy books that I've been reading

17:31

and all of my certified love or girl

17:34

music that I've been listening to. Okay. Now

17:36

the second R for recommending.

17:40

I during the Sephora sale got the

17:42

Fenty Beauty whipped body

17:45

butter. I think it's called the buttercream, but

17:47

for the holiday season, Fenty Beauty

17:50

comes out with this cinnamon scent.

17:52

And when I thought

17:54

cinnamon scent, I almost thought of like, you

17:57

know, like the hot tamale king.

18:00

or like big red like that nasty

18:02

kind of plasticy cinnamon? No. This

18:05

lotion body butter is pure. It's

18:07

like a sexual cinnamon roll is

18:09

how you will smell and it

18:11

has shimmer in it and it

18:13

is delectable and it is

18:16

so beautiful. It is outrageous because this

18:18

little tiny container like this big and

18:20

it's like $46. So

18:22

like Rihanna says, I

18:24

love you. You are robbing us and I will

18:27

happily hand over my money because it smells so

18:29

good. I need to get a few more

18:31

before the holiday season ends because I am

18:33

obsessed with that scent and

18:35

I cannot recommend that body butter enough.

18:38

And then for tea, which is what I'm treating

18:41

myself to, is I did just get a

18:43

New York apartment and so I

18:45

am currently looking at furniture and decorations and just

18:47

different ways to make my apartment really cute because

18:49

I got rid of most of my stuff when

18:51

I left LA. Now I have a tiny

18:55

apartment because New York. So I don't need

18:57

as much furniture as I had when I

18:59

was in LA but I've been looking for

19:01

just higher quality things, really treating myself to

19:04

nice candles, really nice soaps, especially because I

19:06

am going to be living in such a

19:08

small space that I just want it to

19:10

feel more luxurious. So that

19:13

is my weekly report. Again, I'll be sharing

19:15

those during my solo episodes here on the

19:17

podcast, which I do about once a month

19:19

or so. But if you want to see

19:21

week to week, then make sure you're following

19:23

me on TikTok at Balance Less and I'll

19:25

be sharing my weekly report there every week

19:28

until I either get sick a bit or

19:30

forget. So stay

19:32

tuned. Okay, so now

19:35

for the meat of today's episode, now that

19:37

we've gotten the life updates out of the

19:39

way, is the Ask

19:41

Less Advice column. Now what inspired

19:44

this is I am just a

19:46

true eldest daughter through and through. If

19:49

you are a firstborn daughter, then you just know

19:51

we are just the advice givers. We

19:53

are the big sisters

19:55

of the world and for

19:57

a while I was kind of in my feelings of

19:59

like I don't I'm tired of being a

20:01

big sister. I want a big sister. I'm tired

20:03

of everybody coming to me for advice I want

20:06

people to go to for advice But

20:09

I just have to realize that's just not the way the

20:11

world works. I was more an Elvis daughter

20:13

I am a big

20:15

sister It just is what it is and I've

20:17

realized that I just have an opportunity to be

20:19

a big sister to so many more Of

20:22

you and that I just need to wear the big sister crown

20:24

Proudly and I get a

20:26

lot of people DMing me asking me for advice

20:28

about things and it's really hard to give advice

20:30

in the DMS because it I

20:33

can't send you back like a five paragraph

20:35

essay And also I just

20:37

try not to have a ton of

20:39

conversations in my DMS just as kind of

20:41

a personal overwhelm boundary thing So I thought that

20:43

bringing those questions to the podcast Well,

20:45

I have a little bit more time to talk through it

20:47

and to have a little bit more context Could

20:50

just be a better way to

20:52

You know keep you all connected

20:54

here on the podcast So I

20:56

got some really great questions for

20:58

this first batch I'm

21:01

gonna go through some of those and just give my

21:03

takes some of my best advice And then we also

21:05

do have a form that will leave in the show

21:07

notes If you want to submit a question and get

21:09

advice in the future because we're gonna try and make

21:11

these episodes a regular thing So

21:14

let's dive into our Q&A Okay,

21:17

this first one we're coming in hot work

21:20

We're coming in with the juice. I

21:22

asked y'all to get juicy and y'all

21:24

delivered So this first question says my

21:26

ex has been on and off with me

21:29

since we broke up But this year I

21:31

was gonna make different and we were no

21:33

contact from January up until August Where

21:35

I broke it to have a closure

21:37

convo He was blocked

21:40

on socials just not phone number I think

21:42

he felt like that opened a door and

21:44

now I've been sort of moving on with

21:46

this new guy who is very Different than

21:48

anyone I've ever taken seriously But

21:50

makes me feel really good and special

21:52

and shows good qualities despite his difficult

21:54

background I guess my question is

21:56

is it worth it to consider my ex again

21:58

or try a new? Risky route

22:00

with the new guy. Okay,

22:03

I'm gonna call this question or this

22:05

listener, Risky Route, Risky Route friend. We

22:07

got some things to unpack here. First

22:10

off, closure

22:12

convos. Don't do

22:15

it. From my experience, closure

22:18

convos, the point of a closure

22:20

convo usually isn't to get

22:22

closure. It usually is to reopen a

22:24

door. And in the past, when I

22:27

have initiated closure convos, it wasn't because

22:29

I wanted closure. It was because I

22:31

wanted to establish contact again and open

22:33

the doors. So that is

22:35

something that we do need to think about.

22:37

We're having these closure convos is what does

22:39

closure actually mean? And why do we need

22:41

to have a conversation with another person to

22:43

get closure? Now I don't have the full

22:45

context of this relationship, so I'm not fully

22:47

sure why it ended. If

22:51

it ended mutually, then that could

22:54

be one thing. That

22:57

could be one thing, but if it

22:59

ended with one person wanting to end

23:01

things and another one not, and that

23:03

being kind of difficult and kind of

23:05

messy, that is where closure conversations get

23:07

really hard. And I think it's really

23:09

important for everybody to realize that closure

23:11

comes from within you. And usually, whatever

23:13

caused the relationship to end in the

23:15

first place, that is the closure.

23:18

From my experience, when I was in the

23:20

business of having closure convos, it was usually

23:22

because I just wanted an excuse to be

23:24

in contact with the person. but

23:28

it does sound like that's what your ex

23:30

was hoping for, because as you said, that

23:32

conversation to him seemed like an open door,

23:35

because that's often what closure conversations tend

23:37

to lead to. So

23:40

that's my two cents on closure conversations.

23:42

I think we often don't

23:44

need them, and the best

23:46

closure is like moving forward.

23:49

It's really hard to have a closure conversation,

23:51

especially if somebody hurt you or if there's

23:54

something there, the best closure is

23:56

moving forward, my opinion. Okay,

23:58

now we gotta talk about this new guy, because- you said

24:00

you've moved on with a new guy who's

24:02

different than anyone you ever taken seriously but

24:05

he makes you feel really good and special

24:07

and shows good qualities but then you said

24:09

despite his difficult background so that also piques

24:11

my interest of okay well what is his

24:14

difficult background and a lot

24:16

of people have difficult backgrounds that's not

24:18

necessarily a bad thing but it

24:21

is good to acknowledge okay what is

24:23

that and is that going to impact how they could

24:25

show up in the relationship down the

24:27

road I'm just curious to

24:29

know what that difficult background is I think ultimately

24:31

what's most important is that you're being treated well

24:33

and that you are happy I think

24:36

that if you had a relationship with your ex

24:38

that did not work out I'm

24:40

pretty I'm anti spin

24:42

the block I will put it that

24:45

way I am pretty anti spin the

24:47

block I am pretty anti people getting

24:49

back together with exes most

24:52

of the time now there's no such thing as

24:54

absolutes I think that if there's a scenario where

24:57

you break up with somebody

24:59

and it was because of

25:01

something circumstantial something situational that

25:04

happened at a point in time and

25:06

then the two of you move forward and

25:09

that factor is no longer a

25:11

factor then that's one thing

25:13

but if it comes to a matter

25:15

of like cheating

25:18

or disrespect or you're not being treated

25:20

the way you want or there's like

25:22

genuine heartbreak there or that person is

25:24

just not able to give you what you

25:27

need I think that we do ourselves

25:29

a disservice by going back to those people

25:31

because we're basically just saying we're okay going

25:33

back to what didn't work before if you

25:36

weren't getting your needs met before there's a

25:38

good likelihood that you're not gonna get your

25:40

needs met now and it doesn't mean that

25:42

people can't change but it's really hard

25:45

to do different in the same environment

25:47

and oftentimes we tend to slip back into

25:50

those old patterns with old people and so

25:52

I think when you allow yourself to explore

25:54

something new you have a much better chance

25:56

of getting your needs met maybe

25:58

it's with this new guy because it sounds like that's

26:01

going well. And maybe

26:03

it's with somebody else. But I think

26:05

for most relationships, chances are it's probably

26:08

not with your ex. Again, I'm anti-spin

26:10

the block. Now the last thing I

26:12

will say here that I want to

26:14

unpack is you said a new

26:16

and risky route with the new guy. Now I want to

26:18

know what is risky about it? Is

26:22

the risk like opening your heart to

26:24

someone new? Because that is risky, but

26:26

that could be worth the risk. Or

26:28

is the risk like you're in

26:30

danger? Because you did say something about a difficult background.

26:33

So I'm risk averse, and I give risk

26:35

averse advice. Not risk

26:37

averse in terms of heartbreak or opening your

26:39

heart to somebody new. I think it's a risk that could

26:41

be worth it. But if you're in danger,

26:44

that's a risk that I maybe wouldn't

26:46

take. So if it's a risk of opening your

26:48

heart, I say explore something new

26:50

because you have a higher likelihood of getting

26:52

your needs met versus going back to somebody

26:55

who probably couldn't meet your needs before. There

26:57

was a lot to unpack there, but that's what

26:59

I think. I think regardless of whether you get

27:01

with this new guy or not, spinning the block

27:04

is probably a no. That's the Cliff Notes version

27:06

of my answer about that. It's

27:11

a busy time of year when it's

27:13

really easy to feel overwhelmed with to-dos

27:15

and parties and events and big meals.

27:18

So make sure you take a moment

27:20

to add some mindfulness into your day.

27:22

And my favorite way to add mindfulness

27:24

into my day is to take a

27:26

meditation or breathwork class on open. Open

27:30

is the one thing I do every day to

27:32

set me up for success. Literally, the first thing

27:34

I do every morning when I wake up is

27:36

I hop on open and I do their meditation

27:38

of the day. Their daily meditations

27:41

are usually under 10 minutes. And when

27:43

I do them, I feel more calm

27:45

and focused all day long. And

27:47

on the days when I'm feeling frazzled and

27:49

need more support, I love taking their breathwork

27:52

classes as well. Even if I just take

27:54

a five-minute break, from my work day to

27:56

breathe in a class on the open app,

27:58

it makes such a difference. and how I

28:00

feel. I also really

28:02

love staying on top of my

28:05

home yoga practice with Open's movement

28:07

classes. They're accessible and inviting and

28:09

basically I'm able to use Open

28:12

to support my well-being all day

28:14

long. When I tell

28:16

you this app will change your life,

28:18

I mean it. You will never regret

28:20

starting a mindfulness practice and Open is

28:22

the perfect place to start. If

28:25

you want to get on my daily

28:27

routine, you can get 30 days free

28:29

of Open by visiting withopen.com. That's withopen.com.

28:39

Again, you can try Open for 30 days

28:42

free by visiting withopen.com.

28:54

If you're in LA, make sure you

28:56

check out their beautiful new studio to

28:58

practice with Open in person. Next

29:07

question. I'm in my early

29:09

20s and after graduating from undergrad, I have

29:11

felt so lost. I'm realizing that some of

29:13

the career goals I set for myself no

29:15

longer align and I'm having a hard time

29:17

figuring out what I actually want to do

29:20

with my life. It's almost like

29:22

I'm having an identity crisis. I'm usually pretty positive

29:24

about things working out but I'll be 25 next

29:26

year and I just feel

29:28

like I need to figure something out

29:31

to set myself up for a better

29:33

future. This is such

29:35

a good question and I'm gonna

29:37

call you early 20s. Early 20s, you

29:40

are not alone in this. I

29:43

think about 98% of people

29:46

in their 20s

29:48

feel this way. I was the queen of

29:50

this feeling when I was in my 20s

29:52

and when you're in your

29:55

20s, there is often this angst where

29:57

you feel like you

29:59

are supposed to know things

30:01

that it's actually not possible for

30:04

you to have known. I

30:06

don't think that your 20s are about having

30:08

the answers and knowing what you want to

30:10

do with your life. I

30:13

think that your 20s are about building

30:15

life skills and trying new things. So

30:17

if some of your career goals that

30:19

you set for yourself no longer align,

30:21

I actually think that that's worth celebrating.

30:23

If you tried a career path and

30:26

you experienced it, maybe spent a

30:28

few years in it or a few years in

30:30

a job and you know that it's no longer

30:32

for you, I would celebrate that. Now you are

30:34

one step closer to figuring out what career does

30:36

work for you and you know to not go

30:38

for those types of jobs or those types of

30:40

roles again. That's actually a really good thing. Now you

30:42

won't waste your time trying to do similar

30:45

jobs in the future. But I

30:47

would take from whatever that career

30:49

was that you were in, I would take from

30:51

that what you learned, what your skills were, I

30:54

would identify, okay what are some other things

30:56

that you're interested in? You don't have to

30:58

have all of the answers or know exactly

31:00

what you want to do but what piques

31:02

your interest? And is there a skills gap

31:04

between where you're at and what piques your

31:06

interest? And then I would just look to

31:08

fill that gap. So what are the skills

31:10

that you need to be able to get a little bit

31:13

closer to what intrigues you

31:15

or what interests you? Also

31:18

I think there's a lot of pressure on people

31:20

in their 20s to figure everything out. And

31:23

the thing is you never have anything figured

31:25

out. Not in your 30s, not in your

31:27

40s, your 50s. There is

31:29

not a single human walking this earth

31:32

who has everything figured out. And the

31:34

sooner you realize and accept that the

31:36

more peace you will feel in your

31:39

life. As somebody who is in my

31:41

early 30s, so I've got a decade on you,

31:43

you'll be 25 next year, I'll be 35 next

31:45

year. I have learned

31:47

that adulthood is like

31:50

whack-a-mole. As soon as

31:52

you hit one and it's down and

31:54

you figure one thing out, something else

31:56

pops up and needs your attention and

31:58

it's gonna be like that forever. And

32:01

I don't say that to scare you or to freak you

32:03

out. I say that to give you some relief and to

32:05

ease some of the pressure of feeling like you need to

32:07

figure everything out. Because even if you

32:10

figure out your 25-year-old problems, 30 is

32:12

going to bring new problems. 35 is going

32:15

to bring new problems. 40 is going to

32:17

every stage of your life is going to

32:19

bring new experiences, new things to figure out,

32:21

and new ways of being. And I think

32:23

instead of seeing it as, oh my goodness,

32:25

I have to figure this out, I

32:28

would see it as more of an opportunity to grow,

32:30

to figure out what it is

32:32

that you want to do to try new things,

32:34

to discover new things. Also, if

32:36

you haven't listened to an episode that I

32:39

did earlier this year, I talked

32:41

more about my year when I was 24, going on 25.

32:44

And when I felt this exact same way, I made

32:46

a list of 25 things that I wanted to do

32:48

by the time I was 25. I

32:51

won't rehash the whole episode here because I did

32:53

a full episode going into a lot of detail

32:56

about that. I basically set 25 small

32:58

goals that I wanted to reach by the time I was

33:00

25. I did not reach all

33:02

25 of them by any means. I only reached

33:04

about half of them. But the process of doing

33:07

that really helped me grow and find

33:09

so much ease in my 20s because

33:11

it helped me build a lot more

33:13

confidence in my ability to move my

33:15

life in different directions. And

33:18

still, at 34, I don't have my life figured

33:20

out. I don't know exactly what my career is

33:22

going to look like. But it

33:25

can be okay for right now. And it

33:27

can be okay for those seasons. And when

33:29

you give yourself space and grace to just

33:31

continue learning and being a student, it

33:33

really takes that pressure off. So

33:36

I encourage you to focus more on building

33:38

the life skills you want. I think the

33:40

life skills in your 20s that are super

33:42

important to build would be social skills. So

33:45

focus on building relationships outside of school,

33:47

outside of work, building your network, connecting

33:49

with people in different industries who you

33:52

can learn from. I would really focus

33:54

on getting your financial and money management

33:56

skills up because your 20s are such

33:58

a great time to build. those

34:00

skills when you tend to have

34:02

less responsibilities and less people relying

34:04

on you. Really focus on

34:06

building your financial skills up, your

34:08

social skills, your relational skills. I

34:11

would really focus on building those

34:14

life skills, especially while you're early in

34:16

your career, you're in a really unique position where

34:18

any job you have, people are going to

34:20

want to teach you when it's okay to

34:22

be a beginner. So I would soak up

34:24

being a beginner and taking as many learning

34:26

opportunities as you can. And then

34:28

with that information, that will help you get a

34:31

better idea of where you want to go. And

34:34

that will give you a little bit more direction, but please ease

34:36

the pressure of feeling like you need to have your life

34:38

figured out. Even the most put

34:40

together person you know, does not have

34:42

their life figured out. So take it

34:44

as a learning, look for more opportunities

34:46

to continue learning, growing your skills, and

34:48

have fun. Like your 20s should be

34:51

fun. You

34:53

have your whole life to work and

34:55

to pay bills and to stress about your

34:57

career. I'm not saying don't pay

34:59

attention to your career, do and do

35:02

good work. But at the end of the day,

35:04

it is just work. And your life is so

35:06

much bigger than that. And I

35:08

spent so much time in my 20s being so concerned

35:10

about my career that I wasn't concerned enough about having

35:12

a life. And there was a lot of life that

35:14

I missed out on. And if there's anything that I

35:16

could go back and do differently, if I were your

35:18

age, it would be to focus on building a little

35:20

bit more robust of a life outside of a career

35:23

because you can always get a new job. You can

35:25

always go back to school. You can always shift a

35:27

new career. But

35:29

how does your life feel? And what are you

35:31

doing to really build a solid life for

35:33

yourself? So focus on those

35:36

life skills, ease the pressure, lean

35:38

into curiosity, try new things. It

35:40

is okay if you don't have it all together. Nobody

35:43

has it all together. Okay,

35:46

next question. I

35:48

want to have a healthy group of friends, but

35:50

it seems like I attract or

35:53

what flocks to me is damaged,

35:55

insecure. I'm one call

35:57

away, but really isn't type of friends.

36:00

How can I get a healthy group

36:02

of friends that I desire to have?

36:05

Okay, I'm gonna call you bestie

36:08

because it sounds like that's what you're looking. So it

36:10

sounds like if I'm understanding

36:12

this question correctly, you

36:14

have tended to attract maybe

36:17

unhealthy friendships or friendships that are not

36:20

really giving you what you need.

36:22

And you desire to have more

36:24

reciprocal aligned friendships, if

36:28

I'm understanding the question correctly,

36:31

that's what I'm getting from this.

36:35

I think that it's important to apply some of

36:37

those same principles that we think about

36:40

when it comes to dating also

36:42

apply to friendships. So

36:45

there could be a reason that you are

36:48

attracting people who may not be reliable or

36:50

who may not be what it is that

36:52

you want in a friend.

36:56

And that doesn't mean that you're like

36:59

doing anything wrong. But I

37:01

do think that for people who tend to

37:03

attract those who are maybe a little needy

37:05

or a little unreliable, it is because we

37:08

often wanna show up and be

37:10

these superheroes. It's because those friendships

37:12

often start with maybe you saving the

37:15

day for somebody and them continuously looking

37:17

forward to that. And that being the

37:19

friendship, the foundation that a

37:21

friendship is built on. If

37:24

you're noticing that it's a pattern, it's

37:27

probably because that is what's happening. It's

37:29

probably because you're building friendships with a

37:31

foundation of you overextending yourself for people

37:33

who wouldn't do the same for you.

37:36

So as you seek out new

37:38

friendships and new relationships, I would

37:40

really look at some of

37:43

those red flags and some of those green

37:45

flags. So when you say that you continuously

37:47

attracted people who

37:49

are maybe insecure friends or who are really

37:51

flaky or who are really needy, reflect

37:54

on some of those kind of initial

37:56

indications that they were gonna behave that

37:58

way early in the friendship. Were they

38:00

flaky early on? Were they hard to make plans

38:02

with? Were they catty

38:04

because you mentioned insecure or making

38:07

little digs or comments to compare

38:09

themselves? Those are often signs

38:12

that indicate the type of person that you're

38:14

describing. And I would look

38:16

for that behavior as a red flag. So

38:19

if you start noticing that behavior in new

38:21

people that you meet, it's probably not going

38:23

to be a friendship that is aligned with

38:26

you. And then start identifying what

38:28

are some of the green flags that you want to

38:30

look for in a friend. So do you want

38:32

friends who also initiate plans with you? Do you want

38:35

friends who also show up for you? Do

38:38

you want friends who are secure and who

38:41

hype you up? I would look

38:43

for people who have those qualities.

38:45

And I would start the friendship

38:47

with a foundation of doing just

38:50

that. So seeking out those people

38:52

who are reliable, who are open

38:54

to friendship, who are cheering you on

38:56

is going to be what's really helpful.

38:59

And I would also say, I wouldn't throw your

39:01

current friends out. It could be helpful just

39:03

to have a conversation with some of these

39:05

friends if there is a friendship there that

39:07

you want to salvage and just say, hey,

39:10

when you didn't show up for me at this

39:12

time, this is how it made me feel. And

39:14

I would really appreciate as a friend if I

39:16

knew that you were there for me. And here's

39:18

how I would feel supported by you. Or, hey,

39:20

when you made this comment comparing yourself to me,

39:22

it made me feel really bad. And I

39:25

would really love to talk about that

39:27

and give them an opportunity to be

39:29

the types of friend that you want to have

39:31

and let them know how you feel. Because also

39:33

sometimes people are doing this stuff and they have

39:35

no idea how it makes other people feel. So

39:38

I wouldn't necessarily throw out your friends

39:40

if there hasn't been maybe some

39:43

sort of major boundary cross or betrayal. I

39:45

would also communicate your needs to them and

39:47

give them an opportunity to meet them. So

39:50

to sum that up, I would look for those

39:52

friendship red flags and green flags. And

39:54

how you're identifying new friends. And then I would

39:56

also have open conversations with those friends that you

39:59

currently have them an opportunity to

40:01

show up for you and to meet

40:03

your needs. But it can

40:05

be hard sometimes to have friendships that

40:07

are misaligned and it is also natural

40:09

to have friendships that do kind of

40:11

fade away as you move

40:13

through different courses of your life and to

40:15

have friendships that are maybe more

40:18

prioritized during certain seasons. I

40:20

don't necessarily think that that is a bad thing.

40:22

I also think that it can be helpful

40:24

to have different friends for different things. You

40:26

know, we, I think, grew up

40:29

on a lot of TV where these characters

40:31

are just best friends who all do everything

40:33

together. And if you have a friendship like

40:35

that with somebody, it's great. But there are

40:37

also some friends who are like good workout

40:39

buddies, but who maybe you wouldn't tell your

40:42

business to. Or there are those friends who

40:44

you can call

40:46

at 3am with

40:48

something, but maybe they're not the

40:50

best person to travel with. Or

40:52

maybe you do have your work friends who

40:54

are great to go out with, but who you

40:56

wouldn't take a trip with. So it's also okay

40:58

to have different friends who do different things because

41:01

not every person in your life is going to

41:03

be able to meet all those needs. And so

41:05

having that discernment of what friends are good for

41:07

what. If you got some kick it, turn up

41:09

friends and that's what they're good for, then maybe

41:12

that's not who you should be trying to build

41:14

a deep emotional bond with. Maybe that's who you

41:16

hang out with when it's time to kick it

41:18

and turn up. And it doesn't mean that they're

41:20

bad or there's anything wrong with that. But it

41:22

just means that you have that discernment

41:25

to know how people are best showing

41:27

up in your life and also not

41:29

overextending yourself for people who wouldn't overextend

41:31

themselves for you. And that's a hard

41:34

lesson, but it's something that

41:36

I think can be really, really helpful

41:38

in having equally yoked friendships. Keep

41:41

the same energy, match that energy. Don't

41:43

overextend yourself for somebody who wouldn't do

41:45

the same for you. And that goes

41:47

for any kind of relationship or friendship

41:50

because it should be communal or should

41:52

have some pretty equal give

41:54

and take, not transactional, but like it

41:56

should be kind of reliable across the

41:58

board. And so. So if

42:01

people are unreliable for

42:03

certain areas, then that's now information

42:05

that you can move forward and make different

42:08

decisions with. But

42:10

I think that aligned friendships can absolutely

42:12

be yours. If you get crystal clear

42:14

on what it is you want in

42:16

a friend and you position yourself to

42:18

meet those people, think about your ideal

42:21

friend. Where would that person be? What

42:23

would they be doing? And you go

42:25

to those places and you do those

42:27

activities and you show up, eyes up,

42:29

phone down, connecting, smiling, eye contact, introduce

42:31

yourself to people, follow up, make a

42:34

plan. Then I think that you will

42:36

be able to find the aligned friendships

42:38

that you desire. Okay? Nasty,

42:41

I know it's hard, especially, I don't know how

42:43

old you are, but I know especially when you're

42:45

younger, that can be really tricky. But I think

42:47

you can find the right friends. And I think

42:49

that you probably do still have some friends that

42:51

you can maintain friendships with as long

42:54

as you have an open, honest conversation. So

42:57

we have another friendship question. This person

42:59

says, how to make

43:01

friends as an introverted adult? It

43:04

seems like everyone in my age group

43:06

has children, not saying there's anything against

43:08

moms, but I feel like my interests

43:10

are different than theirs at this point

43:12

in life. Any pointers? Absolutely.

43:14

I mean, this is my specialty. Also, somebody

43:17

in my 30s who does not have children.

43:19

And I have a mix of friends who

43:21

have kids and friends

43:23

who don't. And kind of to

43:26

my last point with my last answer,

43:29

it is about kind of knowing who to

43:31

connect with for what. But

43:33

yeah, I absolutely think that there's nothing

43:35

wrong with wanting to seek out friendships

43:38

with people who are in a

43:40

similar place that you are in in

43:42

life. Because I think that that is how

43:44

we build better bonds. And so

43:46

something that has helped me make friends as

43:48

an introverted adult is

43:51

events. Events, events, events is

43:53

where I make new

43:55

friends, especially now being in a new city.

43:57

It has been really, really helpful for me

43:59

to go to... events to go to workout

44:01

classes to find any excuse to leave the house.

44:04

I'm also an introvert, so I'm not

44:06

somebody who's going to go work a

44:08

room and talk to everybody there. But

44:10

usually when I go to an event,

44:12

I make it the goal to connect

44:14

with one new person. So I want

44:16

to have a great conversation with just

44:18

one person. I want to exchange

44:20

contact information with them and then I want to

44:22

follow up with them, you know, maybe

44:25

within a week or so just to keep

44:27

in touch and maybe set up like a

44:29

friend date and grab coffee or go for

44:31

a walk or something to see if,

44:34

you know, we vibe, if there's

44:36

a chance to continue a friendship.

44:38

It is so similar to dating.

44:41

Y'all feel like what

44:43

I'm describing is like dating because

44:45

it is super, super similar. And

44:48

as introverted people, I think sometimes

44:50

we get really caught up on

44:52

expecting everybody to come to us.

44:54

But if friendship is what you truly

44:56

desire, sometimes that means that you are going

44:58

to need to be the initiator. And

45:01

I know that it can be scary. And that's

45:03

why I say just have a conversation with one

45:05

person. You don't need to go to some

45:07

huge event and work a room. Just

45:09

chat with one person. Over the

45:12

weekend, I went to this Pilates class

45:14

pop-up, which was actually really fun. It

45:16

was like a pop-up Pilates class. And

45:20

I ended up meeting this other woman. We were both

45:22

kind of walking into the building at the same time.

45:24

We didn't fully know where we were going. And so

45:26

we kind of walked in together and we were wearing

45:28

workout clothes. We're like, oh, it looks like we're going

45:30

to the same place. And then I asked her her

45:32

name and then we set up our mats next to

45:34

each other. And during the class, we were both

45:37

struggling together and laughing. And then by

45:39

the end, we exchanged Instagrams and have

45:41

DMed and are hoping to

45:43

get coffee soon. And it can be something

45:45

as simple as that. You go somewhere where

45:47

there's aligned people. You literally just smile, say

45:49

hello, ask someone for their name and

45:51

how their day is going. If the

45:53

conversation flows, it does. And if

45:56

it doesn't, then you were just

45:58

literally being friendly. But

46:00

smile at people, introduce yourself to people,

46:02

ask people how their day is going

46:05

and see what they have to say.

46:07

Be genuinely interested and answer. Slide into

46:09

DMs, follow up with people. I

46:12

do it all the time. That was how

46:14

I made friends in L.A. I assembled

46:17

a friend group in L.A. because I

46:19

had individual friends who I had met

46:21

those ways, usually either through events or

46:23

people who I'd connected with online who

46:25

I was like, let's get dinner or

46:28

let's get coffee or let's do this.

46:30

And then I assembled a group of

46:32

Avengers to be my friend group when I

46:34

lived in L.A. And I will absolutely do

46:37

the same thing here in New York. Just

46:39

one friendship at a time, one conversation at

46:41

a time. As introverts, I think

46:43

that that's totally doable. I

46:45

also think it's a good exercise to help

46:47

us step outside of our comfort zone and

46:49

understand that if you seek friendship,

46:52

sometimes you're going to have to go out

46:54

and get it. And if you don't vibe

46:56

with people or if nothing comes from it,

46:58

that's okay too. It's often just practice. Those

47:01

social interactions are just practice. And if nothing

47:03

comes from it, that's okay too. But maybe

47:05

you had a great conversation. Maybe you met

47:07

a friendly face and

47:09

it's okay to not put so

47:12

much weight on it. But yeah,

47:14

I say treat friendship like dating. Introduce

47:17

yourself to people at events where you know

47:19

like-minded people are going to be there. Stay

47:22

in touch with them. Follow up. Offer

47:24

to grab coffee or go to happy

47:26

hour or meet up for a walk

47:29

and see if a friendship flows

47:31

from there. But don't be afraid

47:33

to initiate. And

47:36

especially as someone who is introverted and

47:38

who previously had a lot of social

47:40

anxiety that I think I've really worked

47:42

through in a lot of ways through

47:44

these exercises, it can be really empowering

47:46

to initiate conversation with people because that

47:48

helps you create a new story about

47:51

yourself. I am social. People do like

47:53

me. I can initiate

47:55

conversation. And also think about all

47:57

the reasons why you're cool. Bring

48:00

your journal out and write down all the reasons why someone

48:02

would want to be friends with you. Like

48:04

you're smart, you're kind, you're funny, you're

48:07

supportive, you bring good snacks to girls

48:09

night, you're a great travel buddy, whatever

48:11

those qualities are. Like assume that people

48:13

like you, assume that people want to

48:15

be friends with you and lead with

48:18

that because that's going to be the

48:20

energy that's going to attract really great

48:22

friendships. We also did an

48:24

episode all about attracting friendships earlier this

48:26

year with Dr. Marisa Franco, who is

48:29

a really, really great researcher in the

48:31

area of platonic love and friendship. And

48:33

so we will link her book as

48:35

well as that episode in the show

48:37

notes to talk more about connection and

48:39

friendship. But yeah, don't be

48:42

afraid to introduce yourself with people and understand

48:44

that like you're cool. You would be

48:46

a good friend. People would be lucky

48:48

to be your friend and lead with that

48:50

energy and people will want to be your

48:52

friend. Okay, so we

48:54

have time for one more question. This

48:58

last question says, hi, I'm a

49:00

PhD student trying to balance life,

49:02

work and some chronic health issues.

49:05

And I still feel a lot of guilt focusing

49:07

on my school and not being able to help

49:09

my family financially. I constantly go

49:11

back and forth about starting a side hustle

49:13

or working another job, but this usually distracts

49:15

me from my studies. And then I feel

49:17

stuck all over again. Any

49:19

advice would be greatly appreciated.

49:23

So, okay, you're a PhD student. I'm

49:25

gonna call you doc because you're a soon to

49:27

be doctor. And in your field of study, one,

49:29

I just wish that I could give you a

49:31

hug because that is a lot to carry. I

49:34

can understand this. I can understand this a

49:37

lot. When I was in college, my

49:39

family had a lot of financial issues

49:41

and there is a sense

49:43

of almost survivor's guilt when

49:45

you know that your family is having a

49:48

hard time and you are pursuing your education,

49:50

which is for the greater good, but feeling

49:52

like you need to be doing more. But

49:55

what stuck out to me the most is how much

49:57

you have on your plate. You're a PhD student,

49:59

which is a lot. It

50:01

sounds like you already work. You

50:04

also have chronic health issues and you're

50:06

trying to also just have a life

50:08

and take care of yourself. And so

50:10

with all of that, friend, I don't

50:12

think that you have

50:14

any space to even think about

50:17

taking on another job or a

50:19

side hustle at this point.

50:21

And I think that that should just be off the table

50:24

for you because the last thing we would

50:26

want, especially because you do have chronic health

50:28

issues, is to have some

50:30

sort of flare up or to do some

50:32

really serious damage to your health. Because without

50:34

your health, you

50:36

can't do any of this. There is

50:39

nothing else. And I don't know about the dynamics of

50:41

your family, but if there's

50:43

no you, then you really can't

50:45

help. And so if getting

50:49

another job would be the only way that you could

50:51

help your family financially, are there other ways

50:53

that you can support your family that

50:55

are not financial? Are there other things

50:58

that you can do to support the

51:00

people that you love or to be

51:02

there for the people you love that

51:04

would not wreck you? I'm genuinely concerned

51:07

about your health. And I think that

51:09

your health has to be the priority

51:12

here because without your health, what

51:15

else can you do? If you work yourself to

51:17

a point of getting super sick, that's probably

51:19

going to make matters for your family even worse.

51:23

Ultimately, what is best for your family is

51:26

you being well. So I would

51:28

look at, okay, are there other

51:30

ways that you can support your

51:32

family emotionally, or maybe with time

51:34

or quality time or support in

51:36

other ways that do not require

51:38

you having to break yourself to

51:40

get another job on top of

51:42

everything that you are doing? Again,

51:45

I don't know the full context of

51:47

your family dynamics or of what the

51:50

financial situation there is, or if

51:52

there are other people who can help or who

51:54

can support. I don't really feel comfortable speaking on

51:56

that, on the financial elements, but I would look

51:58

at what are other ways that you can

52:01

show love and support to your family that

52:03

do not require you wrecking yourself because it

52:05

sounds like if you were to take on

52:07

another job, and I'm especially concerned about those

52:09

chronic health issues, that that is what would

52:11

happen. And that would not help

52:13

your family either. It would probably be

52:15

pretty devastating to your family and make

52:17

whatever it is that they're dealing with

52:19

even harder. So I would really focus

52:21

on your health and finding other ways

52:23

to be present for your family that

52:26

do not involve you having to take

52:28

on another job on top of everything

52:30

that you're doing because PhD

52:32

is stressful. Just

52:35

existing as a human is stressful.

52:38

So I think it's not your responsibility to

52:40

necessarily carry the weight of the world. You're

52:42

a human being. You are one person.

52:44

You can only do so much. And

52:47

maybe there are other ways that your family

52:49

can be helped or supported. But

52:52

I think that that's just a lot for

52:54

one person to carry. And so I would

52:56

really recommend you not focus on additional

52:59

jobs or side hustles because it just

53:01

sounds like there's not room on your

53:03

plate for that. And I would look

53:05

at other ways that you can be

53:07

present and supportive of your family while

53:09

still doing the best you can to

53:11

take care of your health. And I know that that

53:13

is easier said than done because it's real out here

53:15

in this economy. It is really, really

53:18

hard. And I hear you. Again, if you

53:20

don't have your health, you have

53:23

absolutely nothing else. And so I

53:25

would protect that by any means

53:27

necessary. And also with our health,

53:29

I mean, if you're in the US,

53:31

healthcare in this country, being sick

53:34

is one of the most expensive things that you

53:36

can do. So I would really,

53:38

really, really avoid adding another thing

53:40

to your plate by any means

53:42

necessary however you can. Sending

53:45

you the biggest hug, doc. Things

53:48

happen, things happen, where there is a

53:51

will, there is a way. And I'm

53:53

hoping that something else is able to work

53:55

out there without you having to take on

53:57

even more. Because you have a pretty heavy

53:59

load. And it sounds like you're carrying a lot.

54:02

So I would focus on things to take

54:04

off of your plate before adding

54:06

anything else on. Well

54:09

friends, that was our first ask

54:11

less column. We had a good

54:13

mix of questions there. We got,

54:15

we got juicy, we got serious,

54:17

we talked a lot about friendships,

54:20

we talked about everybody in their

54:22

20s chilling

54:24

the f out. That's

54:26

what I would tell my 20 something year old self

54:28

and anytime I get a question from someone in their

54:31

20s that's along those lines, I'm always

54:33

just like chill. It's okay live. But

54:36

I really appreciate you submitting

54:39

your questions. If you

54:41

all like this episode, we can keep this

54:43

going. I'm thinking about maybe adding this to

54:45

the mix about once a month. We

54:48

will leave the Google form in the

54:50

show notes so that you can submit

54:52

your question if you have one

54:54

that you would like some advice on that you want

54:57

to hear my take on or that you would like

54:59

me to answer. I actually really love getting to hear

55:01

from you all and hearing what's in your world and

55:03

trying to help any way that

55:05

I can. If you like

55:07

this episode, please make sure you rate, review

55:10

and subscribe. Balance

55:12

Black Girl, we're really in our growth era.

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55:39

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55:43

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55:45

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55:56

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56:01

speak to you next week.

56:30

This is a full video. I will speak to you next week.