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0:37

Little note before we start the show:

0:40

If. You're not aware. We did

0:42

two shows in Pennsylvania. In.

0:44

December and one in Pittsburgh,

0:46

one in Philly and we

0:48

basically said look, we're gonna

0:50

do the same show an

0:53

whichever crowd brings it more

0:55

louder and more enthusiastic, that's

0:57

the one that will release.

0:59

So this was a big

1:01

fairly vs. Pittsburgh thing and.

1:04

I mean, you're probably aware. Of

1:06

who won because you've seen the title.

1:08

But it was Philadelphia and it was

1:11

Philadelphia by a mile. Pittsburgh. I love

1:13

you! Thank you to everyone who came

1:15

out in Pittsburgh. But

1:18

Philly, you'll listen, You'll hear, you'll

1:20

know, and you'll just be like

1:23

okay, Philly went ape shit crazy

1:25

and Pittsburgh you are wonderful and

1:27

we'd love to come back home.

1:29

I'm such a shit eating. Make

1:32

everybody feel good, but Philadelphia really

1:34

did. They blew, they blew the

1:37

roof off, and honestly, it's the

1:39

loudest show we've ever done. It

1:41

hurt my ears repeatedly. There was

1:43

far louder than Tacoma when I

1:45

the month think that was possible.

1:48

So. Anyway, Enjoy this

1:50

raucous episode! Of

1:52

Live Bananas Scotty

1:55

Running Oh. Hurts

1:58

I am road. Law

2:00

Firm. It's

2:04

true, Tiny.

2:08

For trees found growing and

2:10

mans lung. Assassin. Ah,

2:13

that's the end. Yeah,

2:15

oh Christmas serie. A

2:19

Throw the Holly All The

2:21

Fire on on as a

2:23

brand new live episode from

2:25

Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia.

2:27

On but out as. Well

3:06

so. Said

3:14

sir. I cannot imagine of Pittsburgh

3:16

be terrorized. I can't imagine this

3:19

is like it's almost overwhelming. like

3:21

highlighter. I know others who have

3:24

had a couple were happy to

3:26

be wonderful. Last night we walked

3:28

around Philly we had some drink

3:31

return Is there we were? outside

3:33

of what the happy ruse a

3:35

half years there? Barry Bananas style

3:38

bar. I love the A. It's

3:40

a very fascinating bar because it's

3:43

like a little. Just like you

3:45

it's inside, it's pretty. It's like a

3:47

kind of a dive bar but it's

3:49

kinda nice. but then everyone is wearing

3:51

suits and his my wine as everyone

3:53

to have suits on it. As far

3:55

very strange and we're just having a

3:57

drink outside. less crowded to and there

3:59

was a woman correct. What? Was

4:01

your first impression when you saw her walk up. Well.

4:04

See had close on ya see. had

4:07

like leather high heels with a metal

4:09

lights for in stiletto. see all super

4:11

crazy. Sue a man there's work, a

4:14

bouncer in a group of people around

4:16

and that one guy turns to another

4:18

guy goes are taught jersey come back.

4:23

And then we knew we were in for

4:25

us and we were probably like four feet

4:27

from this entire Very Close seats. As he's

4:29

walking down the street you could tell see

4:31

his have a drunk as woman I've ever

4:33

seen but. Like everything is a drug

4:35

this woman ever seen but like a

4:37

very well dressed and kind of crazy

4:40

crazily dress. nice but it was. It

4:42

was money. There was Monday a herringbone

4:44

sort of under cool co two cool

4:46

yeah but then she was drunk and

4:48

you could tell and like any good

4:50

bouncer he was just like your to

4:52

the north words which he wasn't gonna

4:54

let her into the bar for us.

4:56

he was obviously already like slurring or

4:59

words take time. And

5:01

then seat goes like from

5:03

a zero within no one

5:05

second one sec. Yeah. Goes.

5:09

So ape shit and start screaming get

5:11

his face it in his face and

5:14

then other people come out of the

5:16

bars he starts screaming at Zambia seats

5:18

I see some out to some random

5:20

guy walk a buys like this fucking

5:22

drug dealer here garage rock or yellow

5:24

and and he like and that was

5:27

got it I realized like he's and

5:29

be sixty three hours I see was

5:31

rise see he was a drug that

5:33

he was the psych a mommy get

5:35

out here either close enough clothes and

5:38

officer services like do. Apartheid let

5:40

me add and then just yelling like

5:42

pop pop pop Oh so that and

5:44

then office and then to sell gas

5:47

and then cops pulled Rdf. then the

5:49

police came. With

5:51

send the tops, the cops

5:54

just sat there. for

5:57

this is like i know i am i

5:59

know him and just watched

6:01

her be like,

6:04

like, like verbally assaulting

6:07

everyone around her. It was incredible. And

6:09

we're just sitting there laughing and laughing

6:11

and then everybody at the bar starts

6:13

like laughing at her. Yeah. She

6:16

still she starts like calling everybody name. Yeah. The

6:19

C word. Oh yeah. She starts

6:21

with the C word. She escalated to other

6:23

words. Escalated to other

6:25

words pretty quickly. Pretty quick. At

6:27

that point I was like, the cops should maybe tell her

6:30

to chill the fuck out. Yeah. Nope.

6:32

Let her go. Literally

6:35

sitting in a car of 13 inches from

6:37

her. Yes. Just watching her

6:39

do all of this. It was wild. It was

6:42

probably, I don't know, 30 full minutes. Yeah.

6:45

Of screaming. The theater of life. Kurt

6:47

and I just drank and we're like, well, what?

6:49

And she'd walk away and then she'd come right

6:52

back gun blazing. And she walked. So

6:54

the cop finally gets out of his car and she walks

6:56

right up to her. She goes, I know Sergeant. And

6:59

then she forgot the guy's name. So

7:02

he's like, okay. And she's like, I

7:05

know Sergeant these guys are. And then

7:07

he's like, no. And the

7:09

guys, the people at the bar were just like,

7:11

we don't know her. Get her out of here.

7:13

Oh man. She said words I've

7:15

never heard said before. She

7:17

was the worst white woman in the world. Yeah.

7:20

You knew that. You knew she was the white

7:22

woman. You knew that bad

7:25

news. Yeah. And

7:27

it's worst white woman in the world. That's

7:30

the www.badnews.com. Yeah.

7:33

It was a good night. It

7:36

was fun. But yes, you guys, there is

7:38

a way to talk at a bar without yelling at

7:40

each other. It is possible. You keep it. You

7:43

keep it. But tonight, yeah. Tonight we're good with it.

7:45

All right. Here it is, Scott. You

7:47

ready? Oh yeah. Let's

7:49

get into it. This was sent in. Thank you.

7:52

By Mike Brown. Thank you, Mike Brown, if

7:54

you're here. That's

7:58

for you, Mike. Hold on a little. longer

8:03

stay with us Mike this is an old one

8:05

is a classic bananas is from 2009 this

8:09

was in the BBC that's real and I would

8:11

just like to show you in 2009 I don't

8:15

I don't the British took

8:17

a while to understand the world wide

8:20

web true as this is 2009 some

8:22

islands like an angel fire sight from

8:24

like 1999 that's true

8:27

this was the the

8:29

BBC yeah

8:33

boy for

8:35

those of you listening at home it's

8:38

blue and and a hot

8:40

green yeah it

8:42

looks like the back of a Kool-Aid container the words

8:46

are all in bright yellow oh also

8:49

you guys can take pictures we don't

8:52

care it's only five you could take

8:54

pictures you could take cool boomerangs put

8:56

it on tick-tock we

8:58

got through the offensive part crazy so what's

9:00

crazy is that this page seems like froze

9:02

they just froze it in time they didn't

9:04

like move it over to their new format

9:07

because on the side of other stories it

9:09

just says Toy Story 3 is on its

9:11

way says Hank good

9:13

movie and the best one and

9:16

then this picture is so fucking

9:19

upsetting gene

9:21

I mean like that it looks like a colon oh

9:24

I was thinking of okay

9:26

a snooter what do

9:28

you think I was thinking a snooter it's

9:31

a snooter yeah so tiny fir tree found

9:33

in man's lungs this is a picture of

9:35

the fir tree coming out of the man's

9:37

lungs no very upsetting

9:40

oh a man in Russia has amazed doctors

9:42

after they found a tiny fir tree growing

9:44

in his lung rdm's

9:47

adorkan yeah it

9:50

does happen to the first time I'm saying it

9:52

out loud it does happen

9:54

to the sadorkan I

9:56

bet you it sounds better in Russian yeah

9:59

and arty Sidorkin get

10:02

oh boy started getting strong chest pains and he

10:04

thought something was seriously wrong with him But that

10:06

he does took x-rays and spotted what looked like

10:08

a cancerous growth one of his lungs So

10:11

he had a routine operation to get it out,

10:13

but it actually turned out to be a tiny

10:15

fur tree Okay, although it's not clear how it

10:17

got there. No shit. Yeah tough Tough

10:21

five centimeter tall fur tree appeared

10:23

to be growing inside him. So

10:25

five centimeters like that right

10:29

Two centimeters per inch or something

10:31

like that two centimeter

10:33

French so that I Have

10:35

a joke more than enough. I'd say plenty

10:40

Plenty. I do have a joke

10:42

and so I do know a five point one inch

10:44

dick 13

10:48

centimeter That's

10:52

all we're gonna do for that longest banana

10:56

That's all we're doing for that Surgeon

10:59

Vladimir Kamashv said the branch was green

11:01

as if it had just been taken

11:03

from the wood It's still a mystery

11:05

how the tree got in there Yeah,

11:07

I don't people think Artyom who studies

11:09

plants for a living breathed in a

11:11

branch. Oh While

11:14

he was working in the woods Others

11:17

believe he inhaled a seed which then

11:19

grew into a tree inside his body

11:21

Cool, but he doesn't think that's possible

11:23

for plants to be able to grow.

11:25

They need light water and carbon dioxide

11:27

Therefore plants cannot use human tissue. They

11:29

cannot process them Already

11:32

a man answers soon. So here so

11:35

I found a lot of different places that

11:37

this article was in Yes, the New York

11:39

Post is just like tree is growing in

11:41

man's lungs. They don't That

11:44

trees don't grow in lungs. They're just like it's

11:46

in there. It's growing. He inhaled a seed we

11:48

know 2009

11:51

was very different. Yes, it was and I

11:54

found the chess journal. Oh my god in

11:58

the chess journal it just says, they

12:00

just keep saying like trees can't grow

12:02

in lungs. But also, how did it

12:04

get in there? That's all they keep

12:06

saying. Yes, it did, Chest Journal. So

12:10

no one really knows. It's very confusing. I don't

12:12

understand how you could inhale a tree

12:15

branch this big. You'd know that. You'd

12:18

notice, right? Because you inhaled it. You

12:20

didn't just like swallow it. That's different.

12:23

You went, and it went,

12:27

and at no point you were like, I've inhaled

12:29

a tree branch. Yeah. My

12:31

breath smells great. Constantly.

12:37

So yeah, so that's the story. That's

12:39

pretty amazing. That is, right? Because you would think

12:42

you'd remember it, especially if they're not like, he's

12:44

a huge drinker. Like the lady we saw last

12:46

night, I'm like, she could swallow an oak.

12:49

And she would be like, man, I don't know.

12:52

I don't know. That is

12:54

true, right? It is Russia.

12:56

There could be blackout drinking

12:58

occurring around tiny tree branches.

13:00

In the woods. So

13:02

who knows? Who knows? But

13:05

speaking of lungs, I know on this podcast I've

13:07

talked a little bit in the past about the

13:09

fact that I started smoking cigarettes at age 10.

13:14

Yeah. Oh,

13:17

Philly. Oh,

13:21

Philly. Yeah,

13:24

they're like, you wimp. But

13:28

I never really kind of told the story of like, how did

13:30

it happen? Yeah, I don't know. 10 year

13:32

old starts smoking. Sure. And

13:35

I had an older friend. Yeah, that's how

13:38

it always starts. I had an older friend,

13:40

Francis Kelly. And Francis

13:42

was 12. So he was two years older than me.

13:46

His mom used to babysit me. And that's how I

13:48

became friends with him. And we

13:51

were just like, we're best friends up

13:53

until probably like we were like 14 or something. And

13:55

then high school, you know, we just

13:58

kind of went our separate ways. Still

14:00

friends to this day He

14:02

so we were we decided we were gonna

14:04

start smoking. Mm-hmm. And it was just like

14:07

a decision It was just like yeah,

14:09

we should probably try it out. We're men now. We

14:12

would always see like in Newport's I don't know

14:14

if you guys remember this is this is 1986

14:18

and Newport packaging was just like

14:20

do you like candy children? Yeah

14:25

Do you like sailboats? Yeah Yes,

14:28

so true and do you like minty

14:30

deliciousness and you're like, yes, I do

14:33

Newport let's go and and

14:35

so there was a there was a convenience

14:38

store in Sharka Ville's, New

14:40

Jersey called the the

14:42

Cracker Barrel and for years When

14:46

people would be like I'd like they talk about

14:48

the Cracker Barrel and I'm like, there's other Cracker

14:50

Barrel Yeah, seems like a

14:52

dump. This was a convenience store that was

14:55

named after a national chain And

14:58

no one had ever heard a Cracker Barrel That

15:01

happens. So this was the Cracker Barrel and

15:03

it was just like like a classic Jersey

15:05

Shore Just like screen door at

15:07

all times even in the winter Always

15:10

open and like, you know, they sold cigarettes and candy

15:12

and everything So we would always go in there for

15:14

candy sure guys who worked at the Cracker Barrel

15:16

knew us Personally because like literally like Francis's

15:19

house was here. You could almost see the

15:21

Cracker Barrel. It was that close so we

15:23

called up this dude, I think his name

15:25

is Michael, Letta and Cuz

15:28

he did he lived in Waller somewhere and we're like

15:30

you come and buy cigarettes for us. He's like got

15:32

it done No questions

15:34

asked. I'm available and

15:37

this is the 80s So there's no restrictions on how

15:39

old you need to be to buy cigarettes in Jersey.

15:41

Oh my god. Oh So

15:43

this 12 year old boy rides his BMX

15:45

bike over to the Cracker Barrel Sick

15:48

and we wait at Francis's house. He

15:51

buys new ports obviously Yes, sir, and

15:53

then calls us from the payphone. Yes

15:55

and says his line

15:57

to us was the

16:00

pita bread is in the hole and then

16:05

we had to respond the

16:08

Fox will get the lettuce. The Fox will

16:10

get the lettuce and

16:12

so then we hang up that's all we say to

16:14

each other because like Francis' mom is around so we're

16:17

just like the Fox will get the lettuce and hang

16:19

it up and then

16:21

we get on our our bikes and

16:23

ride over to the woods and the

16:25

woods it was like across the street from

16:27

Francis house everyone lived across the street from

16:29

woods in the 80s that's right all

16:32

of them are developments now in the 80s

16:34

like a lot of it there was so

16:37

many different portions of woods the children would

16:39

hang out in and this

16:41

specific woods was right on the edge

16:43

of Shark River of Shark

16:45

River it's like the ending of Shark River

16:47

which just turns into like a muddy muddiness

16:49

wetlands is what they call it sounds like a

16:52

great place to smoke cigarettes for the first time

16:55

and some other children had like

16:58

years ago a giant hole in the ground and then

17:04

lined it with like genius

17:07

so you had like this place to go and

17:09

then of course there was a cooler there was

17:11

always a cooler it was a cooler that was

17:13

buried in the ground nice that you had like

17:15

moved her to a and then open up and

17:17

that was where the pornography was obviously we never

17:21

put the pornography there yeah don't be

17:23

dumb the port and also if you're

17:25

younger pornography was in woods was

17:28

the it was the internet that

17:30

was the thing pornography that was of

17:32

course there's pornography in the woods yeah

17:35

you couldn't trip over a

17:38

stump without landing on pornography

17:40

the chess journal other pornography

17:45

it was exciting it'd be in the ziplock bag and you'd

17:48

be like and then you didn't know what to do you

17:50

were ten years old you're like I don't know how to

17:52

have sex but I'm looking at this right now and

17:55

I'm gonna Figure it out. It was you. It was

17:57

confusing to feel you. what was. Going

18:00

on in the pictures with get in we're good

18:02

at now is a different style. And

18:05

then I also remark is like the was

18:07

were just like it was very much you

18:09

know I remember read this is going to

18:12

be dorky but I remember when I started

18:14

reading Shakespeare in college. okay and they were

18:16

life and there was like talked about like

18:19

scenes in the city are all about like

18:21

rules in society and then once you get

18:23

to the woods is fucking wild. Yeah I

18:25

people are flocking yeah everything's crazy, they're doing

18:28

drugs and I was just like of course.

18:30

They are because that's what

18:32

I was growing up. Secure

18:34

Job vs. That's

18:39

right. the bard himself. Yes,

18:41

So he comes over. He's

18:43

got the package. Newport? Yes.

18:46

And we all take one outs and

18:48

arm and I just still remember the

18:50

smell of an unlit cigarette. It's the

18:52

best smell it doesn't. Tobacco does smell

18:55

great, it does we all live up

18:57

with we have no idea where just

18:59

you know. Yeah. Mouth

19:01

and it mouth and an alpha now than

19:03

it and and were dislike okay like it's

19:05

a little mint tea and that's fine and we

19:07

put it out and mark we gots the next

19:10

week so then we of course. We.

19:12

Bury it next to the pornography. A

19:14

smart guys that sit on our mar.

19:17

We'd. Ordered in our plastic bag and buried

19:19

it next to the pornography. Loves the

19:21

then next weekend we come back and

19:23

France's like I was a Bellmore play

19:25

land. this is and that's an arcade

19:27

on the boardwalk and he says ah

19:29

some kids were there are two, they

19:31

were inhaling and I was life and

19:33

to my mind I was like. That.

19:36

sounds like the craziest thing i've ever heard

19:38

while you were ten years old yes i

19:40

don't even know the word inhaling at ten

19:42

years old and i was like there's no

19:45

way there's nowhere that's impossible you can't do

19:47

it and he's like but over here is

19:49

one of the other and this is this

19:51

is how young we were he's like okay

19:53

you take the smoke just into your mouth

19:56

and then take the cigarette away and go

20:02

Yeah, that is how you do it. That is how you do

20:04

it. It works. And I remember being

20:06

like, well, I'll try. Bottoms up. And

20:08

it was just like, and

20:11

then boom, like just fucking

20:13

high for the first time in my

20:15

life. Amazing. Fell

20:17

backwards into a Pricker Bush. And

20:21

then I was just looking up at the sky.

20:23

And I remember as I was there, just watched

20:25

one helicopter go overhead. And

20:28

I remember specifically being like, that's

20:31

my mom. She knows. Oh

20:33

shit. She

20:37

knows. That's so funny. It was

20:39

like, it's so I can't remember it. Like it's

20:42

fucking like when I have Alzheimer's, this

20:44

is the story I'm going to tell over and over

20:46

and over again. If it is so

20:48

deep nicotine for some reason gets it. It's

20:50

like a worm that sits in the back of

20:52

your brain. It's like herpes, you know, never

20:54

goes away. Thank you. That herpes

20:56

virus circles itself around your

20:58

spinal cord and never leaves. Yeah.

21:02

Isn't that insane? If

21:04

we could teach the herpes to smoke.

21:09

Wait a second. Have it

21:11

all figured out. That's fine. Um,

21:14

cause I started so early, I had

21:16

to evolve, right? Of course. I'll

21:19

end it with this. Please. I was 17 years

21:21

old and I was a unbearable

21:23

17 year old. You

21:29

know, I started smoking a

21:31

pipe. That

21:34

is unbearable. That is unbearable.

21:39

And um, Rite Aid used

21:42

to have these pipes and

21:45

they were at checkout. There was a

21:47

zippo, a turning zippo thing and then

21:49

a turning pipe thing. Like

21:51

people are always like, I'm checking out. Oh, I gotta

21:54

get a pipe. Spin

21:56

it around a graph. So I had this

21:58

dumb Sherlock Holmes. Hi fought

22:01

for three dollars it right aid

22:03

or whatever. Cool. As the

22:05

I had a zippo that was like a pipe

22:07

zippo that had the hole in the thing and

22:09

I would smoke. The. Cheapest cherry

22:12

tobacco from right? Yes, of

22:14

course I wore a i

22:16

did a book Columbine a

22:19

Trench Coats free Say this

22:21

is pretty See off free

22:24

say seventeen years old cool

22:26

is due to the world

22:28

for a say threats coat,

22:31

sur la Kobes pipe and

22:33

days but it's ah up

22:35

as a. Boy

22:40

like. Us God as

22:42

houndstooth pattern on it. For

22:45

those who do that though,

22:47

we're all. Mad.

22:52

Jobs. There's

22:54

a teachable moment in that because you

22:56

have a very lovely wife. Day I

22:58

saw people can say speak on both

23:00

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Is Ah before we move on,

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win so on the count of

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24:39

now you guys are going to be

24:41

here to there which is what we

24:43

could all ask for. Happy Hanukkah Everybody

24:45

Votto Annika reset Adam and Nor I

24:47

regret not having what up get out

24:49

and everyone. Sent us that banana

24:51

menorah. Does anybody have the banana

24:53

menorah? It's pretty mates. Looks cool

24:56

or offensive? We don't know. Yes

24:58

sir, no Ah, a lot. So

25:00

or Alexa saw thirty Thirty cent.

25:02

This one insane to allow. Ha

25:05

ha. Thirty third, it's ah. this

25:07

was in the Philadelphia Inquirer. I

25:11

did this one this morning because

25:14

I was flipping through and ago

25:16

of ah this is written by

25:18

Mike New All who is known

25:21

as the Sensor. Is Philadelphia? See

25:23

if steal the shot back from a

25:25

window? That.

25:28

Spilled with four hundred giant

25:30

hornets. Last.

25:35

Bit anybody here this one I

25:37

was big news here. Is

25:40

a big news back

25:42

in August. Holy Smokes!

25:45

I'll do it. And

25:48

who is this from? The.

25:50

I go to see tomorrow.

25:58

yeah that's three fifty eight pm Let's

26:03

get real. Here we go. It

26:08

starts great. You guys know I love a great

26:10

name. Yeah. Don Shump. S-H-U-M-P.

26:13

Don Shump. Oh,

26:17

man. I love this. Owner

26:22

of Philadelphia B Company. Oh,

26:24

this is not where I expected it

26:27

to begin. No, sir. This

26:29

is an empty bed of his pickup

26:31

truck last Friday morning. His portable shop

26:33

vac, an essential appliance for any beaver

26:35

removal specialist, had gone missing.

26:39

But then Shump, 46 of Frankfurt. I

26:42

don't know what that means. Northeast.

26:48

Northeast. Like Northeast.

26:50

Only the biggest hornets up there. I

26:54

know where Frankfurt is only because when

26:56

you were staying at a hotel around

26:58

the corner, when you turn the TV

27:00

on, it's just local Philly information. And

27:02

there's one guy going, Frankfurt, you could

27:05

come live here for $250,000. Oh.

27:12

Which I don't think is true. It's

27:14

very old. Don Shump, Frankfurt

27:16

remembered what had been inside the

27:19

vacuum. Hundreds of large

27:21

hornets, giant queens, and yellow jackets he

27:23

had left swarming in the machine overnight.

27:26

Wow. The

27:28

thief unexpectedly stole a hornet's

27:31

nest. Yes. Got

27:33

him. What

27:36

a dork. And

27:38

not just any hornets, but European hornets, the

27:40

only true hornet species in North America. Thank

27:43

you, Philadelphia Inquirer. The

27:46

buzzing bugs, identified by their burnt orange

27:48

wings and bodies as big as wine

27:50

corks, are

27:53

the largest social stinging insects

27:55

in the eastern United States.

28:00

Yeah, we got one! Cranky

28:03

creatures and stubbornly defensive of their

28:05

colonies, European Hornets are known to

28:07

sting repeatedly and without warning. Wow,

28:09

yeah. Man, to

28:11

see the camera footage of this.

28:15

There were probably 400 of them, shumpfigured.

28:19

Including 100 feisty queens. Sounds

28:27

kind of fun! Wait,

28:30

wait, wait, Hornets have more than one queen?

28:32

They have hundreds of queens? It

28:35

said 100 feisty queens and a thousand

28:37

yellow jackets. Fuck!

28:40

Wait, so he's just leaving them in there? All

28:43

part of the removal he had

28:45

performed the day before and they

28:47

were trapped in the purloined vacuum.

28:52

Purloined means stolen? I

28:55

don't know what it means. I thought it's why

28:57

you got sunburned between your knees and your crotch.

29:02

Desperate, furious and ready to swarm, quote,

29:04

well, this is going to be extremely

29:06

unpleasant for somebody, shump said. Shump,

29:10

who maintains a collection of

29:12

educational beehives on the roof

29:14

of the Parkway Central Library,

29:16

provides honey to such businesses

29:18

as Shane Confectory. Is

29:21

that a place? And

29:23

Franklin Fountain in Old City. Okay,

29:28

okay. He hoped

29:30

to find it abandoned, the Hornets and Bees still inside. He

29:33

checked for nearby security footage but found nothing. He

29:36

didn't bother notifying the police. Not over a $100 vacuum,

29:38

shump said. He

29:42

posted an open letter to the Bee Bandit on Facebook.

29:44

And this is why I chose this story. To

29:49

the poor soul who lifted the shop back

29:52

from the back of my truck, I wanted to give you a

29:54

heads up. The

29:58

Queen Bee should be full of life and extra money. spicy

30:00

I anxiously await your unboxing

30:02

video chump

30:08

said that the European horns deliver a

30:10

sting that would not be lethal but

30:12

just very painful like out of a

30:14

horror movie he

30:17

worries that the thief could unknowingly unseal

30:19

the vacuum hose freeing the insects please

30:22

or bring them the stone item directly

30:24

to a pawn shop which is probably what

30:27

happened I see someone pulling the hose out

30:29

and being stunned he said they would hear

30:31

buzzing someone crawl out someone fly out

30:33

someone start bouncing off until they got a

30:36

hold of you and it would dawn on them that

30:38

they were being actively attacked on

30:41

average chump says he is stung anywhere from

30:43

five to thirty times a day oh

30:47

boy oh my god you would think he

30:50

would work out a system where he doesn't

30:52

get stung it goes on

30:54

to say that he's immune to it and then

30:56

he doesn't care there was a whole thing about

30:58

how you can become immune to bee stings and

31:00

I just thought it would force into oblivion but

31:04

speaking of crimes backfiring yes

31:06

I like that okay so this is a bit

31:08

of a long story but I'll speed it up

31:10

as much as I can so I'm you know

31:12

me we've known you for 18 years yeah

31:15

I'm not a gas lighter I don't

31:17

do it yeah because I did it once and

31:22

it went bad so I failed

31:26

so bad so in Maryland and

31:28

I don't know if this is the case here but

31:30

when you're a senior in high school like you get

31:32

out of high school a couple weeks before the rest

31:34

of school and then everybody goes on senior week y'all

31:37

do that in Pennsylvania where do you go Ocean City

31:39

New Jersey or something what see what

31:41

senior week you

31:43

got Ocean City Maryland probably some

31:46

of you so senior week is

31:48

for one week that was good

31:57

senior week is when you have those two weeks all

31:59

of our parents just go it's fine and

32:01

then we all go to Ocean City

32:03

and party as hard as possible for

32:05

one week. Okay. By the time I

32:08

got to UMass I was so good

32:10

at partying from Senior Week I'm like

32:12

whatever losers just riding around so I

32:14

just didn't have Senior Week. It was

32:16

incredible. So I was

32:18

17 when I graduated. I think maybe we know why.

32:26

Yeah. Nobody wants Sherlock

32:28

Holmes at his feet. Yeah, he's on

32:30

the case. He's on the case. Where

32:33

is the virginity? No!

32:38

I was not a virgin. I was not

32:40

a virgin. That's even better. I started fucking

32:42

at 14. Hell yeah. I

32:48

mean, 14 year old Kurt post-coitus smoking

32:50

a pipe. No, no,

32:52

I hadn't found a pipe yet. I was 17.

32:56

I was 17. So I was 17. So I was

32:58

17 and the three

33:00

people I went, my best friend Andre, my

33:02

friend Annie, and then her boyfriend who's from

33:04

another high school, we packed up his suburban,

33:07

his dad's suburban, and we snuck in like

33:09

$500 with a beer

33:11

and I'm talking like Killian's Irish Red.

33:13

Honey Brown. But

33:16

I read Malibu.

33:18

Down Home Punch. All the

33:20

worst shit. Does Killian still

33:22

exist? Wow.

33:25

Yes, exactly. Like pre-Mike's

33:28

Hard Lemonade era. So

33:30

you know, three 18 year olds, 17 year olds, we're

33:32

going to Ocean Seed. We're going across the Chesapeake Bay

33:34

Bridge. Okay. It's 4.5 miles

33:36

long. It's very tall. And I know how

33:38

long it is because as we were going

33:41

up, the transmission stopped and we started drifting

33:43

backwards. And

33:45

Alan is hitting the brakes and this weighed

33:48

down car is going backwards. Instant traffic

33:51

jam. Instant traffic jam because everybody's going to

33:53

Senior Week. So then we

33:55

hear horns honking, people yelling

33:57

at us in Maryland accents. Not that.

34:00

different from Philly like come on go down there we're trying

34:02

to get you know like come

34:04

on man trying to

34:07

go down the ocean

34:09

yeah we go down to Jason Shore come

34:12

on you know all puckered faced so

34:15

then we hear sirens and we're like well this

34:17

is it we're going to jail oh wow I'm

34:19

like I'm going to do so much alcohol in

34:21

the car enough to get this room drunk like

34:25

and so and it's like not hidden it's

34:27

just like two backpacks and $500 worth of

34:30

booze and so here comes the siren and

34:33

it we looking back and it's just a cop tow

34:35

truck and they do not stop they don't get out

34:37

they just ram the back of us and push us

34:39

all the way across at 40 miles

34:41

an hour they have a big bumper on the front so

34:44

we just go they're like

34:47

not on our watch so

34:51

we're going about 3.5 more miles

34:53

at 40 miles an hour and we're going like

34:55

okay so we you're allowed to carry alcohol if

34:58

you're 18 you can have alcohol in your car

35:00

we're not drinking it you're allowed to have it

35:02

we're throwing stuff over it to hide it the

35:05

cop pushes us into a parking lot speeds away

35:07

doesn't talk to us again whoa oh my god

35:09

he was just like clear the bridge clear the

35:11

bridge clear the right so this

35:14

is where I'm really gonna abbreviate it we

35:17

catch a ride we hitchhike back to Reisterstown my

35:19

town we get in another car we go back

35:21

to the suburban we put all the beer in

35:23

that we get to the ocean holy shit but

35:25

it's so much crazier than that but I'll do

35:27

it at a different time so

35:29

by the time we get there we

35:32

had rented a condo because one of

35:34

the Annie was 18 under his 18

35:36

so and it was called Phoenix 404

35:40

very cool and but

35:42

the rental company was closed because it took us

35:45

so long to go all the way back and I'm three

35:47

hours back to the beach so

35:49

I was like let's see

35:51

what happens I start testing all the windows

35:53

and I find an open window and I

35:56

crawl inside and I go through all the

35:58

drawers and I find the keys to

36:00

6th floor 404 Phoenix or Phoenix

36:02

404. So I broke and installed

36:04

the keys. Wait, wait, wait.

36:06

You went to the realtor? To the realtor. Yeah, we

36:08

had to pick it up. You broke into the realtor's

36:10

office. Correct. Because we had to prepay, but then you

36:13

had to sign and give them a deposit of like

36:15

$800 that you get back. What

36:17

time is it? What time is it when

36:19

you got there? 6.37 PM. And they're not

36:22

there on that fucking weekend. I know. I'm

36:24

happy to go there. I'm happy to go

36:26

there. Shit, turkey. I'm here to party. Yeah.

36:29

So we go and we party. We

36:31

go into our condo. We're like, this is

36:33

great. We party all night. Phone rings in

36:35

the morning. This is pre-cell phone. So I

36:37

pick up the landline. You know, I'm, again,

36:39

I'm 17. So I'm like, hello. And the

36:42

lady at the rental office goes, hi, yeah.

36:44

Are you guys coming in today? Because I

36:46

had you coming in tomorrow or yesterday and

36:48

I didn't see you. Just want to make

36:51

sure everything was okay. And I

36:53

go, this is when I start gaslighting. I

36:55

go, no, we got here yesterday.

36:58

And she goes, what? I go,

37:00

we're already in the condo. And she goes, well,

37:02

that's impossible. And she starts fumbling around in her

37:04

drawer. You can like hear and the keys are

37:06

gone because I stole the keys. And

37:10

she goes, well, I go, no, we're here. We spent the

37:12

night here last night and we're in 6.01. And

37:14

she goes, are you being serious? I

37:17

go, we're here right now. And she

37:19

goes, well, you have to sign like

37:21

paperwork. And I give everybody a tour

37:23

of the place they're renting. And

37:26

I go, no, we're here. All

37:29

the other, the other three are asleep. And

37:32

so she's like, well, I'll come over. I'm coming over right

37:34

now. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Cause

37:36

I'm 17. This is an adult. I'm like,

37:38

we are fucking busted. Yeah. So I'm cleaning

37:40

up bottles and cans and they're, I'm like

37:43

filling up trash cans, trashing, it's full. So

37:45

then I put it in a foam styrofoam

37:47

cooler. That's just melted ice water. Now bottles,

37:49

cans, bottles, cans, put the lid on and

37:51

I wait and everybody starts waking up and

37:54

the lady from the rental office hasn't come.

37:56

And then it's one o'clock, then it's three

37:58

o'clock, then it's five o'clock. She

38:00

doesn't come. She doesn't come. Oh my God. So

38:03

I start making calls and I start

38:05

throwing a party. And all

38:08

my Franklin High School kids start

38:10

coming over. And our plan was

38:12

all, especially the girls, all the girls

38:14

that were the honor student, gifted

38:16

and talented, AP student. So it's like, do I want

38:18

to get drunk with Andre and I? And they're like,

38:20

sounds fun. So the

38:23

doorbell rings and it's the lady from the rental

38:25

company. And I have maybe 15 people

38:28

over, but we're kids. Most

38:31

of us are 17 or 18. And

38:33

she's like, how did you get in here? And

38:35

I was like, you gave me the kids. I

38:44

love that your first experimentation

38:46

with gaslighting was

38:48

the craziest version of gaslighting. It

38:51

wasn't about like, we didn't feel

38:53

that you weren't. Yeah, your emotions

38:55

right there. You personally gave me

38:58

a tour handed me keys 24

39:00

hours ago and you don't remember.

39:02

You just forgot. How

39:05

else would I have gotten them? So

39:08

she's like, well, who's Annie? And I'm like, Annie's Annie's

39:10

so hung up, she didn't come out of the bedroom

39:12

all day. So I'm like, Annie, can you come out here?

39:14

You have to sign because it was like her credit card

39:16

or whatever. We had a money order for the security deposit.

39:18

That's how long ago this was. Oh my God. So

39:20

we like hand or $800 money order. And

39:23

he signs like all blood face and she's

39:25

so so I'm like,

39:27

cool, I'm about to get away with this.

39:29

This is going great. And then Andre, my

39:32

best buddy, is trying to be cool. No.

39:34

And he's so drunk. I mean, we were doing aftershock.

39:36

We were doing all the dumbest stuff ever. So

39:40

he, oh my God, I have so many stories about

39:42

everything. And so

39:44

and all the like AP girls are like, I'm

39:46

not going to go to Harvard. And I'm like,

39:49

welcome to UMass, guys. We'll

39:52

be fine. So Andre comes out from the

39:55

kitchen and oh, we have hidden everything like as quick as

39:57

we could. We're like, no, we're fine. drunk.

40:01

Andre takes three steps out of the kitchen,

40:04

his foot catches on the carpet, he drops

40:06

to his knees and then falls neck and

40:08

head first into the foam cooler, splits

40:10

it in half like an egg, beer

40:13

cans and water go out the sides, and

40:15

the woman holding the woman

40:17

I've lied to for 24 hours,

40:20

holding the money order goes, well I guess

40:22

I have your deposit and closes the door.

40:25

So that's

40:27

my only time gas lighting

40:30

ever. Yeah. Also

40:32

we're all still alive. Everybody's still alive.

40:34

She's a realtor who rents a house

40:37

in Ocean City, Maryland. Yeah right near

40:39

Bull on the Beach. You don't even

40:41

know that that was mild for her,

40:43

you know? So aftershock,

40:45

when I was at Edinburgh in 2005,

40:49

there was sigh.

40:51

Yes. Public service

40:53

announcements saying do

40:56

not put aftershock in

40:58

your eye. Because

41:02

it was a teenage, because like in

41:04

Edinburgh, in like Scotland, like kids start

41:06

drinking at like 14 and they're in

41:09

bars, like they're like 14 and drinking.

41:11

So kids were taking shots of aftershock,

41:13

opening their eye and then holding it

41:15

on top of their eye and you

41:17

get drunk very quickly. It

41:21

just goes through the blood-brain barrier

41:23

directly into your brain. But

41:27

your eyes smell great. And

41:29

your eyes smell amazing. You're

41:32

just winking at guys, you're

41:34

like. And then so a very

41:36

similar story. We rented a house in Baltimore

41:39

when we were in college. Hell yeah. And

41:41

are you hearing for

41:44

Baltimore College? College. Houses

41:47

in January.

41:50

Baltimore. And it was like, literally

41:53

I saw her when I rented the house.

41:55

I rented it personally. And it was $1,000

41:57

a month. and

42:00

i mean five people we all paid two hundred

42:02

dollars a month and it

42:04

was a three-story house four-bedroom may think

42:07

to bath it was amazing mazing backyard

42:09

about any of the awesome and it

42:11

was a row house baltimore row we

42:14

destroyed this house careful of

42:17

course in a way that is unimaginable to me

42:19

today uh... so one night

42:21

the third i left what what

42:24

was happening when i left was

42:26

our friend darby darby was uh...

42:28

people were cheering as he took

42:30

a a k a full sixteen

42:33

ounce of pregoo like reg like

42:35

uh... you know regu pasta sauce

42:37

is it prego there's a regular

42:39

rego it was prego

42:41

rego yeah prego and just chug

42:44

it's in there yeah yeah like

42:46

yeah finish the

42:48

sixteen ounces of tomato sauce like

42:51

a bloody may have stood on the ground

42:53

that's cool that's cool and i was like

42:55

i'm gonna get out of here yes so

42:58

i went to my girlfriend's house and

43:01

i slept there i came back yes

43:03

sir i came back at like new

43:05

because i knew that are the the

43:07

woman who owned the house with

43:10

this was our senior year and it was like

43:12

mmm like uh... april or something

43:14

yeah so she was getting ready to rent it

43:16

in june so she wanted to show it to

43:18

someone sure and so i come back she's gonna

43:20

be there at one hope and i walked in

43:22

the door at well i don't walk in the

43:24

door because i can't open the back door i'd

43:27

get my key in and i'd start pushing

43:29

it and i think hitting something and i

43:31

don't know that's not enough to walk around

43:33

the block and come in the front door

43:35

walk through them like why can't i open

43:38

the bed and then i get to the

43:40

the kitchen and so as

43:42

dumb college kids we had every

43:44

every bottle of alcohol for two

43:46

years we had put on top

43:48

of the how cool right how

43:50

cool and after darby

43:53

had smashed the the prego

43:55

bottle okay then everyone just started

43:57

grabbing all those bottles and

43:59

smashing them on the ground. Yeah.

44:02

And then it extended from there where

44:04

every single plate, I mean like this,

44:06

every single plate, every single mug, and

44:09

I wasn't there for any of this. It's art!

44:11

It is art! Yeah and

44:14

everyone was just like, like, cuz we

44:16

were doing a lot of assets at

44:18

the time and we were all, we

44:20

always thought about, we always talked about

44:22

the fact that the art of destruction

44:24

is as beautiful and important as the

44:26

art of creation. Correct. Correct.

44:30

And we had those big stickers everywhere that said,

44:33

fuck art, let's kill. And

44:37

there was, and I'm not kidding you,

44:39

it was this deep. Yeah. And that's

44:41

why I couldn't open the door. The

44:43

entire kitchen was this deep of just

44:46

glass and ceramic and everything,

44:48

and there's everything else was empty. So then

44:50

everyone's passed out and I can't, and she's

44:52

coming in like 15 minutes. So

44:54

then what I do is I get just a

44:56

big box, like a cardboard box,

44:58

and I get the mop and I

45:01

just use the mop as a shovel

45:03

to just shove it into the box and

45:06

then continually bring it outside and dump it

45:08

into the trash can for like 15 minutes

45:10

straight until I get it all up. But

45:12

then it's cut the linoleum

45:15

and then glass has gotten underneath

45:17

the linoleum in a way that I can't get

45:19

it out. We got a linoleum lover. Okay. And

45:22

then I just was like, I literally ran, I

45:24

heard someone like putting keys in the door. I

45:26

ran over, I saw the owner and two women

45:28

who were like, and we all said there was

45:30

holes in the wall and I just was like,

45:33

and I ran out the back door and she

45:36

never said a fucking word

45:40

at all about it. Recycle guys,

45:42

reduce, reuse, recycle. And this is

45:44

honestly why I'll never be a

45:46

landlord. Especially in

45:48

Baltimore or Philly, kind of similar.

45:51

You know, weirdly, I know that a lot

45:53

of bin animals listen

45:56

to our podcast to

45:58

fall asleep, so they listen to it in bed. which

46:00

you know always sounds insulting but

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if you happen to be listening

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right great we have been

47:32

talking so much it's time

47:34

to do Confessions. Confessions! If

47:39

somebody can grab the Confessions box we'll get

47:41

you a beverage of course. I have a

47:43

couple shout outs. Should we get two

47:46

more of these? Yeah. Yeah

47:48

Julia can we get two more potatoes

47:50

and soda and a... Two

47:53

shout outs. Yeah. Liz man

47:55

or Mon man? Mon? Mon?

47:59

Mon. Liz mon wants to shout

48:01

out her husband Brandon who doesn't listen to

48:03

bananas, but came anyway Thank

48:09

you welcome

48:12

to the banana Mili I've

48:19

never had alcohol before He

48:22

started in brain and started new jobs. He can spend more

48:24

time with Liz and their dog. That's not right I know

48:27

Thank you. Let's get

48:29

this young lady. What's your name? Let's

48:32

get Amanda Becca

48:38

wants to shout out

48:40

her husband Tommy people It's

48:46

his birthday happy birthday And

48:50

they drove in from Cleveland for the show

48:54

There you go. That's for you This

48:57

is and if you have not since

48:59

you're from Cleveland Kismet bagels is right over there

49:01

It's the fucking best bagel I've had in a

49:03

long time. Oh, yeah, this is

49:05

for Brandon to Brandon Can somebody pass this

49:07

to Brandon, please? Thank you very much young

49:09

lady Welcome if you hate

49:12

the podcast send it right back to stage And

49:16

then we can also do longest banana, oh,

49:19

yeah, but I have a shout out. Oh

49:21

good I want to shout out Scarlett Estelle

49:26

Show last night and she said that she

49:28

started a podcast just recently. She had her

49:30

first live show just last week. Congratulations What's

49:36

it called? What's it called podcast

49:38

is called sugar We're going in

49:41

and it is about the symbiotic

49:43

relationship between fallout boy and hip-hop,

49:45

which I did not know about

49:52

Very cool. Let's

49:55

do some confessions then we'll do longest

49:58

banana. Okay, go ahead Well,

50:01

we're starting off with a banger. It

50:04

burned when I peed this morning, not good.

50:09

You're absolved and, you know, penicillin or

50:12

antibiotics before they're irrelevant. Good for you.

50:14

When I was in high school, weeds

50:16

had just come out. I watched the

50:18

episode where Andy tells Shane to use

50:20

a toot? Go

50:23

nana? A what? A ripe?

50:29

Something banana peel? Wow, your

50:31

handwriting is atrocious. You're

50:34

absolved though. Something banana peel

50:36

to masturbate. So I did. 210, but

50:38

I did finish. And

50:43

that's what counts. You're absolved. When I was in

50:45

high school, we did the whole thing of like

50:47

cooking banana peels down to try and smoke them.

50:49

It's very long process. Yeah, not

50:52

worth it. That resulted in you having a big

50:54

headache. Thank you so

50:56

much. Everybody give it up for Julia. Julia.

50:59

The great Julia. Years

51:03

ago, I stole the stove knobs from an oven

51:05

at a party and then mailed them back two

51:07

days later. Great

51:11

prank, by the way. You're

51:13

absolved. That's so sweet, you

51:15

angel. I had

51:18

to pee going to the New

51:20

Jersey shore in August and Saturday

51:22

move-in day. My husband did not

51:24

want to stop, so I grabbed

51:26

two diapers and did the Unsinkable.

51:30

So relieved. You're fine. Two

51:32

diapers. This is a nice one. I

51:34

like that. When my brother and I were kids, we

51:37

duct taped our much younger sister to a pole in

51:39

the basement and turned off the lights. Oh

51:42

my gosh. We shut the door and left her there.

51:45

She's here tonight with me and

51:47

our dad. So

51:54

growing up in middle school, I did get started a little younger.

51:56

You might have heard like I got dosed on acid when I

51:58

was, I don't know, 11. I think and

52:00

then that was a crazy story you did that on

52:02

a live in Brooklyn. I broke one Yeah, and my

52:04

mom heard it and she was like well. We'd have

52:06

a conversation I'm

52:09

like well that was 39 years ago, so I was

52:11

okay but so

52:15

But I got invited to a party and my best

52:17

friend at the time Smoked weed

52:19

and we were kids we were 12 13

52:22

and I would get invited these birthday parties I

52:24

got right to this one and the girl who's

52:27

like 12th birthday was stormed right up She goes

52:29

do you have weed on you? I go no

52:31

she's you can't come in if you have weed

52:33

although I don't I've never had weed she goes

52:35

do you have sour grass? Then

52:38

I go no I don't have sour

52:40

grass and I still have never had that that night

52:42

So they didn't let me come into the party because

52:44

they thought I was going to deal drugs 12

52:47

years old So that

52:49

night they played the TV series it

52:51

the original id with Pennywise the clown

52:54

Yeah, and the one girl who was

52:56

so scared and turned her back to

52:58

the TV They took her to a

53:00

tree and duct taped her to it and

53:03

the whole school found out and they had a

53:05

parent teacher Conference about taping a girl to a

53:07

tree because she wouldn't watch it. Oh my god

53:11

Alright, she is now in the Senate,

53:13

and she's very good very good. It's

53:16

Barbara Mccalski's who I'm talking about No,

53:18

she's been retired for a long in

53:20

high school my friends, and I dressed

53:22

in all black walkie-talkies

53:24

cool masks and

53:27

all and stole ten

53:29

baby Jesus's From

53:33

suburban outdoor mangers that's

53:35

it. I I

53:37

may have done that too We

53:39

we decorated our friends tree

53:42

with them. Yeah pretty

53:44

good pretty good We made

53:46

the local newspaper a few

53:48

days later mystery bandits steal

53:50

precious, baby Jesus's From

53:53

homes in the middle of the day. Oh, I

53:56

love that. That's fine. You're absolved and also Jesus

53:59

forgives You're gonna be okay. That's

54:01

just like main thing is you say I'm

54:03

sorry. He says okay. All

54:07

my favorites and bookmarks on my phone

54:09

are just porn. That's fine. It's

54:11

your phone. If you pay for it, that's

54:14

fine. You're absolved. And this is also looks

54:16

like a woman's handwriting. Just to

54:18

say. Just to say women have

54:20

seen porn too. Oh,

54:23

this one's gonna make Philly furious. I

54:30

want Pittsburgh to win the battle.

54:36

Ewwww, gross. Two more? One

54:40

more? You

54:43

got a winner? One

54:46

more. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

54:48

oh, oh. About

54:51

three months ago, I accidentally became a Dom.

54:56

And that one signed. Is

55:01

it the person I met last night? What?

55:07

I just recognized her name. I didn't meet a

55:09

Dom last night. I

55:13

can only sleep if I get smacked on my ass

55:15

and you put your dick on it. That's

55:19

gonna be tough, you know,

55:21

on an airplane or sleeper

55:23

car on a train. I

55:26

read it exactly right, didn't I? I

55:29

read every word correctly. Part

55:35

of the adult. I just imagined

55:37

it happening every night. Well,

55:43

sweet dreams, honey. Sweet dreams.

55:45

Thanks, guy. I just met

55:48

at Pizza Hut. But

55:50

just the putting the dick on it. Good

55:55

night, sweet prince. My

55:58

prince of New England. I

56:01

whatever whatever okay longest banana Came

56:03

from the furthest away for this show not

56:05

just to visit Philly and all the sights

56:08

and smells yeah Connecticut's

56:10

good. That's good Good

56:14

Well, that's gonna win for

56:16

the show that's okay. That's

56:18

one wait can anybody beat Orlando?

56:26

That sounded so far away That

56:30

sounds like they were in New Jersey They're

56:34

FaceTiming can anybody can anybody

56:36

be Cleveland? How

56:39

far up? That's

56:41

far that's pretty far. Oh, that's tough is

56:43

it anybody else Nebraska

56:49

Why are people sitting on Nebraska so ours Also,

56:52

it's amazing. We have a man at our show.

56:54

This is incredible But wait

56:56

wait, but a but he's a man

56:59

he that means maybe he's just from

57:01

Nebraska Yeah,

57:03

they're maybe don't know the rules Did

57:06

you come from Nebraska for bananas this show

57:08

specifically? Okay, thank you for

57:11

your honesty. It's a very honest a visions

57:13

were right Orlando

57:16

and Cleveland Cleveland

57:18

farther than upstate New York is

57:21

it upstate New York okay big Okay,

57:24

all right all right Cleveland Here

57:27

and they get this also Kurt

57:31

Cleveland Cleveland, Orlando.

57:34

Oh wait,

57:36

oh What

57:41

Two of you from Orlando oh My

57:45

god, what is this shirt say Kurti B and

57:48

Scotty. Oh my god. It's Kurti B

57:50

and Scotty time That's so great

57:56

Banana girl number two What's

58:00

your guys name? What?

58:03

Nikki and Jill. Give it

58:05

up for Nikki and Jill. What

58:11

are you looking for Scotty? Yeah,

58:20

that's awesome. Oh look Scotty,

58:22

I have one in front of me. A

58:27

little drunk. Alright. Alright,

58:30

we do not have a lot of time. One

58:32

more I think. Yeah, I think we have one

58:34

more. But before we get started, just so your

58:36

parents hear that you came out and did something.

58:40

On the count of four, upwards,

58:45

yell your full including middle

58:47

name. One,

58:50

two, three, four. I'll

58:56

be up front with you Philadelphia. I

58:59

don't think there's any way in

59:02

fucking hell. Yeah?

59:05

Pittsburgh? That Pittsburgh can beat that.

59:07

No. I

59:18

don't think so. Wow.

59:22

Very strange. Somebody gave us this. Very

59:24

strange. Isn't that cool? Very

59:26

strange, very upsetting as Kurt would say. Very

59:29

upsetting. Alright, alright. Here we go. Let's do

59:31

one more for the road. Leto shuffle this

59:33

shit. Yeah. I'm ready. I'm listening. You want

59:35

a killer one? You want a killer one?

59:39

I got a pretty good one. I don't know. What's

59:42

your story? Is your story a good one to end

59:44

the show on? Does

59:46

it have a good punch? Does it have a good punch

59:49

right at the end? Should we just say both headlines and

59:51

then we vote? But

59:53

this has never happened before. Yeah, this has

59:55

never happened before. So mine is, meet

59:58

the world's first publicly traded... person.

1:00:01

Oh that's pretty good. It's a crazy

1:00:04

fucking story. Almost

1:00:06

half of the men in America surveyed think

1:00:08

they could land a passenger plane. Right?

1:00:15

No? Alright. What I

1:00:17

like about this is that that's all

1:00:19

the news, like there's nothing else about

1:00:21

it. Yeah. And then

1:00:23

you can just get into your personal story

1:00:25

I feel like. Alright. Oh shit. A publicly

1:00:27

traded person is a deep intense concept that

1:00:30

needs a lot of explaining so I say

1:00:32

go support. Okay. This

1:00:38

was sent in by Alejandra Carolina

1:00:40

Mendoza. Thank you. That's a

1:00:44

pretty name. Who is it? It

1:00:46

was written by Guido. Get

1:00:51

ready and

1:00:53

hold on to your best in the biz because this

1:00:56

is crazy. CNN Travel, I kind of heard

1:00:58

of it. Written

1:01:00

by Guido Karim, Chris

1:01:04

Campbell, Elvira Marquez, Nana

1:01:06

Ike, Tim Riley, all of Griffin

1:01:09

University. Who are they? It was

1:01:14

an educational paper. Okay. Okay. Alright.

1:01:17

From Griffith University in Australia, almost

1:01:19

half the men they surveyed think

1:01:21

they could land a passenger plane.

1:01:23

Experts disagree. Everything

1:01:27

you need in that title. This

1:01:31

is why these 19 writers are the

1:01:33

best in the biz. Picture

1:01:35

this, you're nestled comfortably in your

1:01:37

seat cruising towards a travel destination

1:01:40

when a flight attendant's voice breaks

1:01:42

through the silence. Ladies

1:01:45

and gentlemen, both pilots are

1:01:47

incapacitated. I

1:01:50

think this is like the Holy Roman Empire thing. Like

1:01:52

I never think about this. No. You

1:01:55

don't either, right? No. I hope the people

1:01:57

in the front land the plane. That's my

1:01:59

main thought. Yeah. I definitely

1:02:01

feel like I can take a take off

1:02:03

in a plane, but I don't think

1:02:05

I can know what only here's why Here

1:02:09

is why because during we shot this

1:02:11

web security is called Penelope princess of

1:02:13

path you did about a girl When

1:02:16

she got her period found out she could talk

1:02:18

to animals And then she decided that

1:02:21

she needed to kill a senator in order to

1:02:23

save the world It was

1:02:25

a great show and I Kristen Shaw was

1:02:27

Penelope I played her orphan friend Kyle who

1:02:29

went everywhere on her on on

1:02:31

Rolly's and one

1:02:34

of the episodes has us running

1:02:36

away from someone and then we just run

1:02:38

and we run through like multiple different backgrounds

1:02:40

until we run on to Into

1:02:43

an airport and hop into a plane. Yeah

1:02:45

an actual plane Yeah, we actually shot it

1:02:47

cuz her her uncle had a plane true

1:02:50

And it was like an old-school plane and we

1:02:52

get in the plane and we like close it

1:02:54

up And then we just start driving the plane

1:02:56

Yeah, but then and then Chris and goes well,

1:02:58

when are we gonna take off and he's like,

1:03:00

oh I did not I think we're just I

1:03:03

don't I can't fly but I drive it and

1:03:05

so that we drive a plane across But

1:03:10

anyway her uncle showed us how to fly a

1:03:12

put like takeoff in the plane And

1:03:14

we like took off and went for a little flight and

1:03:16

it's very easy. Just like It's

1:03:21

in the 50% pull and that's it Roughly

1:03:25

one in three Americans 32% including nearly half of men

1:03:30

46% are confident they could safely land

1:03:32

a passenger plane in an emergency situation

1:03:35

Just one in five women say the same

1:03:39

The woman we saw last night would say the

1:03:41

same I'll jump to

1:03:45

the middle However,

1:03:48

we we've all heard

1:03:50

stories of passengers who had passengers who have

1:03:53

saved the day when the pilot became unresponsive

1:03:55

No, we haven't Now

1:03:58

for instance last year Darren Harrison

1:04:00

managed to land a twin-engine aircraft in

1:04:02

Florida after the pilot passed out with

1:04:04

the guidance of an air traffic controller

1:04:06

who also happened to be a flight

1:04:08

instructor. Again, that's like super rare. Yeah,

1:04:10

yeah, yeah. And also it's just like

1:04:12

two engines. It's a big difference, right?

1:04:14

From like a normal passenger plane. Yeah.

1:04:17

That's what they say. So however such incidents

1:04:19

take place in small, simple aircraft, flying a

1:04:22

much bigger, heavier commercial jet is completely different.

1:04:24

Right. But it's the same for taking off

1:04:26

and I could do it. Yeah. Okay, go

1:04:28

ahead. So, you know, May K. Beeler, May K.

1:04:32

Beeler, which is one of the greatest names

1:04:34

I've ever heard is a flight instructor for

1:04:36

the FAA and a chief transportation correspondent says,

1:04:40

it depends with guidance of the

1:04:42

right air traffic controller. The likelihood

1:04:45

of landing safely enough is possible.

1:04:48

Wow. So that should make, you

1:04:50

know, nervous flyers feel sort of better.

1:04:52

Pretty good. It might not be pretty.

1:04:55

It might result in damage to the aircraft,

1:04:57

but it can be done. All right. Now

1:05:00

I think I can land one. There's

1:05:02

50% right here. I'm

1:05:06

just gonna like order a drink and be

1:05:08

like, good night. Just put on, I'm going

1:05:11

to pretend I'm asleep. This

1:05:15

uncommon scenario pops up in the news time to

1:05:17

time. Usually small planes. We heard that already. But

1:05:19

first the passenger, oh, this is the best. Yeah.

1:05:22

May Beeler says, but first the passenger has

1:05:24

to don a headset and locate the mic

1:05:27

and able to talk on the

1:05:29

radio to the air traffic controller. That's

1:05:31

the first challenge. Oh, are

1:05:33

you joking? No,

1:05:35

put headphones on and go, and

1:05:38

go, hello. Oh,

1:05:41

man. They're like, it's a low bar. That

1:05:44

means landing a plane is really easy.

1:05:46

Yeah. That means anybody over the

1:05:48

age of 55 can't land a plane. Do

1:05:52

you ever watch when your mom takes a photo on a

1:05:54

phone in the face she makes? That's all I look at

1:05:56

now. It's like. And then when you're like, I'm not gonna do

1:05:58

it. I'm gonna do it. Do you smile? She

1:06:00

smiles? It's the best. Next

1:06:03

time your mom takes a photo of you, watch your

1:06:05

face. It's hilarious. Okay, Kurt,

1:06:07

I need a man's name. Jer-roam.

1:06:10

Jer-roam. But it's

1:06:12

like, yeah, it's... Jer-roam. Yeah,

1:06:15

Jer-roam. And I need a

1:06:17

woman's name from the audience. Aaron! I

1:06:19

heard Aaron first. Jer-roam and Aaron.

1:06:21

Jer-roam and Aaron. Okay, Kurtie

1:06:24

B. Okay. I'm

1:06:26

gonna have to really abbreviate this fucker. So

1:06:29

it's spring 2021. Post-quar.

1:06:31

A lot of people get in the jab.

1:06:34

Yeah, read the story. I'm

1:06:37

sound asleep. It's

1:06:39

probably about 3.30 a.m. California

1:06:41

time. My phone rings. I answered

1:06:43

thinking it's an emergency. And it's

1:06:45

my friend, Jer-roam. The

1:06:49

only other man that ever calls me is

1:06:51

Kurt. And it's because he's really good about

1:06:53

not texting and driving. Yeah. Excellent.

1:06:55

He calls hands-free. It's

1:06:59

the only friend that calls me that I don't

1:07:01

think somebody died. Because it's Kurt just being like,

1:07:03

hey buddy, should we buy yellow shirts? I'm like,

1:07:05

yes we should. Yes, we

1:07:07

should. Pretty

1:07:10

accurate. So it's like 3.30 a.m. I'm

1:07:13

like, hello? And it's Jer-roam. And he's like, dude, I'm

1:07:15

safe. I'm with my dog, but I need you to

1:07:17

call my wife and tell her not to divorce me.

1:07:20

Wow. The

1:07:22

wife, Aaron. It's not her

1:07:25

real name, not Jer-roam's name. And then he

1:07:27

cracks up laughing. So this is

1:07:29

good. So I'm like, okay, welcome back

1:07:31

to life. Weird year, great choir, weird

1:07:33

year. He lives in

1:07:36

North Carolina on the coast.

1:07:38

Okay. So

1:07:41

it's 7.30 a.m. there, whatever. I'm

1:07:43

like, okay. So he is

1:07:45

married. He has three

1:07:47

daughters. Lockdown, I think they

1:07:50

had a daughter during 2020. So

1:07:52

his lockdown was different than mine, more similar

1:07:54

to yours. It was

1:07:56

intense. And this is what

1:07:58

he proceeds to tell me. Okay, okay. His

1:08:01

wife takes the new daughter everybody's vax

1:08:03

now So they're like let's go and

1:08:06

he takes three dollars and they're gonna

1:08:08

do a weekend at the grandparents house

1:08:10

Okay, so my friend Jerroam is

1:08:12

going to have the first night to

1:08:14

himself in a very long time It's

1:08:17

a good time. So he's been planning

1:08:19

this for a while He's

1:08:22

had some shrimps Hi,

1:08:24

I am spy himself by himself. Oh And

1:08:29

It's a 50-50 on that so they leave

1:08:31

it's Friday. Well, Aaron and the three

1:08:33

daughters Leave and Jerome

1:08:35

has us all mapped out. So he drives

1:08:37

a golf cart He lives on the coast

1:08:40

and he takes his dog a golden retriever And

1:08:44

they go out to do shrooms. They he he

1:08:47

times it out to watch the sunset and

1:08:49

do shrooms on the beach Dog

1:08:52

I like this sounds really

1:08:54

good by the way, that sounds

1:08:56

incredibly good So he

1:08:58

times it perfect. He says it's a slow

1:09:00

sunset. It's around May. It's gonna be a

1:09:02

long day He says it's beautiful He's on

1:09:05

a blanket with his dog and the sun

1:09:07

sets and he says it just hits Perfect

1:09:10

trip is hitting in he lays back and

1:09:12

he's gonna watch the stars and he's in

1:09:14

heaven and then the dog

1:09:16

starts barking Yeah And

1:09:20

he sits up and the dog

1:09:22

charges towards the ocean Oh and

1:09:24

now it's getting darker and he sees

1:09:26

all these dark things in the sky

1:09:29

coming towards him What and

1:09:31

he can see blinking light and

1:09:33

he thinks UFOs are coming to North

1:09:36

Carolina And

1:09:38

he's calling his dog The

1:09:40

dog is barking at the waves and

1:09:43

he starts walking towards the dog And he

1:09:45

seriously thinks that like he's about to see

1:09:47

UFOs or he's tripping so hard. He's seeing

1:09:49

UFOs Yeah so he runs and he

1:09:51

grabs his dog's collar and as he

1:09:53

does a Bunch of speedboats come over

1:09:56

the waves and a bunch of helicopters

1:09:58

come over his head and men

1:10:00

start piling out of boats

1:10:02

and helicopters onto the

1:10:05

beach. Ah! Ha ha ha!

1:10:08

This is, this is your

1:10:11

nightmare! When

1:10:13

you're tripping by yourself on a

1:10:15

beach and a military invasion begins

1:10:17

happening. So he thinks

1:10:20

China is attacking the United States. He

1:10:24

picks up pickle all the way

1:10:26

around. Yes, into Hilton

1:10:28

Head, North Carolina. Ha ha ha ha

1:10:31

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

1:10:33

ha ha ha ha ha. Russia bypassed

1:10:35

Europe and came and got us. So

1:10:38

he picks up his golden retriever, which must

1:10:40

weigh 90 pounds. Yeah. And

1:10:42

ditches his golf cart and runs for his

1:10:44

life. He said he spent

1:10:47

the rest of the night hiding

1:10:49

in his neighborhood with his dog in his

1:10:51

arm. He

1:10:55

thought we were being invaded. He

1:11:00

finally gets to his house at sunup. He

1:11:02

knows the code for his garage. His trip

1:11:04

has been fading. So he gets in his

1:11:06

house and that's when he called me. Says,

1:11:08

tell my wife not to divorce me. So

1:11:11

I call Erin, who was also a friend

1:11:13

of mine for many years and I go,

1:11:16

hey, it's Scotty. She goes, what's wrong? I

1:11:18

go, don't divorce Jerome. She

1:11:21

goes, Jesus Christ, did he call you too?

1:11:23

I go, yes. She

1:11:27

goes, I was talking to him two hours

1:11:29

ago before our daughters got up and he

1:11:31

just said, I love you about 500 times. That's

1:11:35

a delightful person. And then hung

1:11:37

up the phone. So what did

1:11:39

Erin do? She checked their ring

1:11:41

cameras. And

1:11:45

she saw Jerome running around the house with

1:11:47

their dog in their arms. For

1:11:50

45 minutes. So

1:11:56

she said, Scotty, don't worry. I'm not gonna

1:11:58

divorce him for being a jackass. Do you

1:12:00

know what was on? I goes, he was on shroom.

1:12:02

She goes, that's fine. He's a fucking idiot. What

1:12:06

was it? What was it? So there is

1:12:08

this thing, and I gotta find exactly what

1:12:10

it is. But basically in North Carolina, and

1:12:12

a couple other places on the coast, when

1:12:15

the Navy SEALs land on

1:12:17

the beach, they use this

1:12:19

unit that they just do the

1:12:22

boat, they drive the boats up and they launch

1:12:24

Navy SEALs, and they were doing a practice run.

1:12:29

So my buddy, my

1:12:33

friend was there when they were doing

1:12:36

a dummy practice run of how they

1:12:38

would launch a platoon,

1:12:40

I don't know, a squad of Navy

1:12:42

SEALs. I cannot believe

1:12:44

that you have two friends who

1:12:47

have taken shrooms and

1:12:49

seen a Navy SEAL on,

1:12:52

and then another one who's taken acid

1:12:54

and hugged a manatee, who then

1:12:56

dissolved in his arm. That

1:13:01

is amazing, and this is the

1:13:03

banana. Look at this all down here.

1:13:07

You see the thing, it's all, that's

1:13:09

how it is, that's what I thought about that. Bananas

1:13:22

is an exactly right media production.

1:13:24

Our producer and engineer is Katie

1:13:26

Levine. The catchy banana theme

1:13:29

song was composed and performed by Kay

1:13:31

Han. Artwork for Bananas was designed by

1:13:33

Travis Miller. And our benevolent

1:13:35

overlords are the great Karen Kilgarif and

1:13:37

Georgia Heartstar. And Lisa Magget is our

1:13:39

full human, not a robot intern. Banana.