0:04

hello to everybody who really needs

0:06

friend to believe him it's beautiful

0:08

anonymous when our phone

0:11

call no names, no

0:13

holds barred

0:29

have money to go start in

0:32

two days absurdity to say i

0:35

have some conversations about conversations nice

0:38

emotional these and physical these two

0:41

got mine before you listen to

0:43

the level of and buddy who dealt

0:45

with those in any ah

0:48

i know this might be we're set to see another

0:50

way also seems see thank you to everybody

0:52

came up sport of my shows in scotland

0:55

with it i was to be phone on live tv is

0:58

or the run of my

1:00

solo show it was a weird long month

1:02

for me it was not always easy but

1:04

i met it lot of beautiful anonymous goes on the way

1:06

and as always

1:08

seven years of proven true if there's

1:10

one group of people that keep me going keep

1:13

my head on straight make , feel

1:15

supported insane in

1:17

this world beautiful anonymous

1:19

and as very very true so thank you to everybody

1:22

who came out last little more about this

1:24

episode ah don't

1:27

mess with my head and we recorded

1:32

or how it talks about a is a dating

1:34

situation she was in that that thank god

1:36

she's not in any more and

1:41

yeah you're going here it just

1:43

goes in a whole bunch of places that

1:49

shocking but also kind and

1:51

not because he can see

1:54

the web that this guy was weaving

1:57

and it's easy it's easy for me as the listener

1:59

here that and then you can hear it and it's harder

2:02

for the color to , of sorted

2:04

out and then i'm going on i bet he also did stuff

2:06

later this of i bet you're going to be having moments like

2:08

that as well as you listen listen we've

2:10

all been in situations like this or

2:12

or or or versions of them were know people

2:15

in our lives who has seen it's really

2:17

hard on i

2:20

get emotional we could

2:22

probably should never do how

2:24

you never good idea that

2:26

i think historically everybody knows from the hear

2:28

stories like this on the show it brings out

2:31

real , so proud allow

2:33

me this time to can

2:36

you do what , you

2:38

do i hope that as colors

2:40

well well that you are well

2:43

listening and i'll be get something out

2:45

of this and most of all out that

2:47

if you listen to this and it rings true to

2:49

you and you realize you might be in a similar situation

2:52

out said it's said wakeup call that helps you

2:54

move on in a way that safe and

2:57

happy as

3:03

thank you for calling beautiful anonymous

3:05

a beeping noise will indicate when you're

3:07

on the show with the host

3:11

i i

3:15

i either mouthful of dark chocolate

3:17

right now

3:18

how far that

3:20

roka it had some came here to is

3:22

it good except as as you might be able to save

3:24

me here my son screaming in the background

3:27

seen as want to take a mat such a

3:29

bummer that he decided to start a that literally

3:32

as we test you sir

3:37

no

3:38

the surgery figure feel

3:41

okay i'm

3:44

on my lunch

3:44

they were great feeling

3:47

in my car jaime worked out great

3:49

i met

3:52

right

3:53

the timing worked out great we got your lunch break

3:57

it

3:57

yeah

3:59

and

4:00

yeah i was just

4:03

something on my mind

4:05

that i think would be i think

4:07

it's kind of perfect to talk about anonymously

4:12

how about a year and a half

4:14

ago

4:16

i got out of a

4:18

relationships that was six years

4:21

com s

4:22

the

4:24

very mentally abused

4:29

very hard to talk about have

4:31

a three because of just how

4:35

the tangible

4:36

the of beauty the snot i

4:38

mean there was a little bit of

4:41

the cool ideas but it wasn't like

4:44

harry from big little lies it was like

4:46

really annoying and twitter be so

4:51

yeah

4:52

i'm so sorry that you had to

4:54

go through any

4:57

thank you he says he's

4:59

lucky scared

5:00

i'm glad you got out of it i'm

5:02

glad to hear on the other side of the uncomfortable talk

5:05

about it

5:07

yet it really

5:10

interesting so the reason i got

5:12

out as it is

5:14

yeah

5:15

there might feel i was living with my

5:18

ex

5:19

i learned my yeah

5:21

we are we had roommates and my sister

5:23

moved in with that

5:25

in down at the time island

5:28

my mental state was like sarah

5:30

degraded from

5:32

that fighting over time i was

5:34

pretty convinced that island fight

5:37

evil person it's it's

5:39

harder played by over

5:42

time when year criticize

5:45

like

5:46

the like i i'd

5:49

give us a little bit like being in a cult but

5:51

you like start to feel like

5:55

oh like island inherently

5:58

that person and like

6:00

even when i would do good things are good

6:02

only if i guess it's like

6:04

my mask like i'm only

6:06

helping his person out because like

6:09

it's to cover up my inherent

6:11

evil nature the

6:14

line when my sister lives dead he

6:16

was like you

6:19

it really nice very

6:21

nice person and i was like a

6:24

my head of course i was like that because

6:26

you don't know i

6:28

, know i generally birch bayh

6:31

the real tragedy in my opinion of

6:33

abuses the way people the

6:35

way your mental state just it so

6:38

it created created really miss out on like the

6:41

public to see than yours relationships

6:45

and opportunities outside of the

6:47

abusive relationship

6:49

and you may as said can you remind

6:52

me how long you are in this relationship

6:56

how we were so

6:59

you were i was eighteen when i first

7:01

started like seeing him and dating

7:04

him and then that

7:06

way him who grows up with me

7:09

the and i was twenty four when that

7:11

happens so

7:15

yeah eighteen twenty five

7:17

the

7:18

right

7:19

yeah what about six years officially

7:22

more like five and five and

7:26

yeah he broke up with me the

7:28

immediately try to take me back

7:31

that point you know cause

7:34

you know my sister so

7:36

helpful in hearing like you know you're you're

7:39

like a good person was like

7:41

a gave me the strength i needed to be like no

7:44

i'm not gonna take you back like i'm very

7:46

confident in the decision to break

7:48

up with you

7:49

the

7:52

really hard to break up with it abuser

7:54

because they have you

7:57

like your mentor feed is that degraded

7:59

as they have a lot of power

8:01

over you be child

8:03

you don't trust your own still

8:06

sort perception you

8:08

don't an alien be sorted the

8:11

real news to rely on there

8:15

daring things and perceptions and like very

8:18

distorted version of reality become

8:20

blake the only reality is that you

8:22

feel like you can trust i'm

8:25

only twenty myself okay

8:27

yeah totally totally

8:32

everything is is a lot of people

8:34

in my life think is me as this like really

8:36

confident intelligence

8:39

creative person

8:42

right

8:44

i'd like to really flourish as

8:46

getting out of this relationship like oh

8:49

much like much like

8:51

better because you are to be so control your by

8:53

parents that i

8:55

didn't i didn't which

8:58

you know shouldn't matter but it canada to

9:01

me as a now i'm like oh

9:03

like i'm like an attractive person and

9:05

like i i'd like expressive

9:07

with my clothing now is before like

9:09

he would enjoy

9:12

your like subtle ways like huge it's always

9:14

criticized by looks to point where

9:16

i like didn't feel confident and on

9:19

a rosy kind of from be

9:21

and you are eighteen

9:23

when you started dating him how old was he

9:28

and twenty chill

9:30

he had not supremacists credit

9:34

the year dr

9:37

phil contextual

9:39

oh of course

9:42

the year

9:44

the the country we're

9:47

i was such that then

9:49

when i was eighteen at such a naive

9:53

like i would go naive

9:57

and so anxious like

9:59

to me anxious and and then

10:02

he came in and he was super senior and he

10:04

was like the first person that was nice

10:06

the me

10:08

now and i think back about it i'm

10:10

way i think

10:12

he saw me for what i was which was like this

10:14

anxious naive

10:16

person in he saw me a sort of like

10:19

though the ball

10:20

the

10:22

like

10:23

you know her mental status so malleable i

10:25

can exploit that

10:27

the

10:29

i should have been

10:31

allowed to deal a kind of anxious

10:33

going into college without being go

10:35

exploited by the man

10:41

i'd say , such

10:43

a talkative person and i get paranoid

10:46

if paranoid am that i'm talking too much sometimes too

10:48

much free to interrupt me at any point

10:51

can you imagine if i was like i answer op's whenever

10:54

i want to take back to cut know it's nigh

10:56

don't you don't have to apologize your

10:58

conversation have essence but

11:00

i'm here to listen first

11:03

the record of it being the he he

11:05

would always like comments that i was like

11:08

the targeted for now it's like iowa

11:10

get paranoid that i'm like annoying people

11:13

i i struggle with a lot of the same

11:16

be sort of convince me of about myself

11:18

that i

11:18

him how long he i think you said

11:21

he would have enough about a year out

11:23

of it

11:24

he was like march

11:28

rak you leave roka

11:30

and

11:31

that was it and period

11:33

because we were tripping on acid

11:36

and , was screaming at me

11:39

oh my gosh it was scary was

11:41

your spine with many way

11:44

no he catches anyway why why that whoa

11:48

the day

11:49

i said look at iraq we get us anyway

11:51

that once you're on acid when you broke up with them

11:53

that's that's bowl

11:57

my sister was there was

11:59

name isis their home and i

12:02

are other friends the and

12:08

when you are on shipping met day and

12:12

my as got very drunk

12:15

and i could actually telling you is adding

12:17

up to start it will

12:19

be with you were going yeah you

12:22

don't yell at me like

12:24

the know who are like benign

12:27

thing fighter

12:30

they get by

12:32

can we interrupted hammer if i talk

12:34

too much he , like yell

12:36

at me like and you do this

12:39

really scary thing or he would

12:42

green last in

12:44

my faith in

12:46

a while or something like it

12:49

was so scary arguing

12:53

yeah you get really drunk and they

12:55

fertility i kind of a church and man

12:59

the when i get more beers and the money

13:01

or i'm trying to do this gets it gets his

13:03

story of earthquake because it's like every

13:05

detail as as long as

13:09

, can be back from getting the beers beers

13:12

he marries mean does it in the

13:14

neighborhood and neighborhood he barks said

13:16

that back this time and

13:18

he trip to the spell it out that

13:21

is the only got back he

13:23

was like my knee hurts so bad i

13:25

got some bad day and handed it to

13:27

and he slapped the barely outta the head and

13:30

as like okay let's say you know i did

13:32

everything i could i guess you fucking bandage

13:35

guess a man i

13:37

felt so need but back then i was such

13:39

a building little gf but

13:43

i'm like dude like live by the much as

13:45

guy and and then

13:48

he really have that that i wasn't nice

13:51

enough without his new hurting

13:53

his ah and then

13:56

he like yelled at me my sister

13:58

and my friend with like he added you write

14:00

care about me and he slammed

14:03

the door and left and then when he came back

14:05

he

14:07

apologized then

14:09

he asked me if i thought i had anything

14:11

to apologize for the

14:14

this is something i never would have done before

14:16

my sister lives and i said no

14:19

i don't they get done anything wrong tonight he

14:22

broke up with me a man you

14:25

he spent the next like our screaming

14:28

at me and

14:31

that's that but then the

14:34

figured out a move out and the

14:36

the end of that thank god yeah

14:42

oh

14:47

sorry what i was gonna say early i wanted to give a tangible

14:50

example of like the way to exploit

14:53

the existing anxiety he

14:56

could give this sort of like the

15:00

bogalay that lady that they everywhere

15:02

yeah thirty an abusive because of the over

15:04

you're anxious about that in the first place bill

15:07

how can you say that i maybe

15:09

were entirely black

15:13

the year three really

15:15

anxious about try that like

15:18

, i was eighteen of such an anxious driver

15:21

driver and see what sort of like

15:23

harp on my driving like every time a german the

15:25

car i get so shaky

15:27

and i i'd be terrified to terrified

15:30

like i i was just so theory and when

15:32

been here and anxious driver you make more mistakes

15:34

and then you get more eggs is about the mistake money

15:36

make more mistakes and it's like this

15:38

horrible feedback loop two point

15:41

where i became a bad driver

15:43

detained the bad driver that i was terrified

15:45

of being ah he

15:48

would always yelling at me like i would turn

15:50

when a car with like two hundred feet away and you

15:53

don't i was about him again

15:55

huge screen my name and

15:59

even know what i'm doing perfectly safe it was like

16:01

startled me and make me feel afraid

16:05

the other day was on a date with a guy and

16:07

he was like whoa you're like a really

16:10

good driver i

16:12

like almost burst into tears because i would

16:14

like you , have any idea

16:16

like how much that means to me to hear

16:18

like i'd been added this relationship

16:21

for like a year and a half and like i'm

16:23

and good driver and it again like us

16:25

they feel so good

16:28

who i want to cause there

16:30

to that's even more miss someone

16:32

compliments you're driving and

16:34

, start reacting like the

16:36

just gave you you uses

16:39

employment status really

16:41

pulling really zoom in and passing sad

16:44

and always take and breath and moody

16:46

the

16:50

our advertisers who

16:53

have prospered as the show how is your

16:55

best friend

16:57

you don't have any idea like how much

16:59

that means to me to hear like

17:01

i've been added that relationship for like

17:03

a year and a half and like i'm and good

17:05

driver it it again like again said

17:07

feel so good

17:09

yeah

17:11

yeah he really and

17:14

finding myself particularly

17:16

bummed out

17:19

the he dominate your entire college experience

17:22

that is traditionally the age

17:24

bracket and the life experience

17:27

where you as a young person go out to do

17:29

you sell sow make your own mistakes

17:31

grow and it sounds like that

17:33

entire set a life was dominated by this

17:37

going the head

17:40

you got your secrets psychopath

17:45

then you really hope he's

17:47

improving yeah

17:51

that's something i kind of struggle with

17:53

his blake in

17:55

in

17:59

i did the entire college experience

18:01

kind of dominated by this

18:04

the and though

18:06

that such yeah

18:11

to me i try to ruminate about schumer

18:15

the

18:18

yeah

18:20

the from my experience was informed

18:23

me so much that it's

18:26

like oh well my experiences like different

18:28

from most people like i

18:30

feel like i'm coming out of the and like

18:33

growing alive so

18:37

i don't know replicated a way i can come to

18:39

terms with it is like the amount

18:41

that i've learned from it

18:43

right the way

18:45

that i can come to terms with it is that makes

18:48

sense of course like i can help

18:50

others

18:51

even my experience and you

18:53

are who you are today the

18:55

yourself out again the

18:57

un strong again i really like a good driver

18:59

yeah because of all that

19:01

the

19:02

yeah

19:03

so why sit and dwell on a regrettable ours

19:05

is a gets me

19:09

the gets me angry on your behalf

19:11

for shore

19:13

thank you that's that's like one

19:15

of the best people one of the best things you can

19:17

say is and they're like i'm angry on your behalf

19:19

yeah can i say i heard

19:21

that

19:24

sorry to interrupt happy

19:26

to phrase it that way over that wristbands also

19:29

insists this sounds like the type

19:31

of guy he sounds very much like a narcissist

19:33

is there anything else you want to apologize

19:36

for certain things like is

19:38

no you're not if you're not you're not tending

19:40

to my i shall do i barked

19:42

at a dog and fell down and you're not tending to

19:45

my boo boos and away i find satisfactory

19:47

like this is a grammar says and

19:49

sounds like the type of person and

19:52

i'm like chinese

19:53

put any fear and you

19:55

the war

19:56

invite you clam up at this sounds like

19:58

the type of person should he finds

20:01

this sunday would be the type

20:03

ass or the sit and listen to all of it said nigga

20:05

oh and and she's she's

20:07

not she's not having my side of the story

20:10

and what about myself as story and i just wanna go on record

20:12

and say to the gentlemen in question that

20:15

if you are sunday was thing it'll

20:17

give a fuck about years side of

20:19

the story you walk in asshole

20:23

the she abuser

20:26

manipulator narcissus

20:28

you need your booze to be just the

20:30

right way suck you

20:33

i don't care about you in your opinion so if you sign

20:35

this understand you should be sitting

20:37

here thinking about your own past behavior

20:40

singing if there's any ways you could stymie

20:42

admit that you need to grow and learn

20:44

and stuff the petty bullshit because bullshit guarantee

20:47

if you ever find a sitter going what about meet sport

20:49

i'm at my side of story and against us

20:51

to reiterate

20:52

don't give a fuck about the side

20:54

of the story of the asshole who

20:57

criticizes his girlfriend

20:59

for her clothes and her

21:01

look at her driving and any dlc

21:03

give scientists he so fucking is secure okay

21:06

sorry sorry i'll get off the high horse continues

21:08

he could study or story yeah yeah

21:12

the i bet that that actually clear is

21:14

a lot of because that was actually something

21:16

i thought about before calling the site

21:18

i don't think you'll

21:20

find it

21:22

the

21:23

but i think about like a

21:25

good marriage just really things like i could have

21:27

done better said relationship one

21:29

thing as that you criticized for

21:31

the people that

21:34

i have no longer really friends list

21:36

is you know you need to take

21:38

accountability

21:39

the for

21:41

you know we we knew you were a

21:43

part of why you stayed in a relationship so

21:45

long and like you need to take out ability for

21:47

that is like yeah i think it's an ability

21:49

for that mike narrow things

21:51

that i would do that was sort of react in

21:54

there are things like like i would

21:56

do in a healthy relationship that i

21:59

i didn't really doing

21:59

today

22:00

joy

22:02

you know give up everybody knows it in a relationship

22:05

that it's healthy if you have a the need

22:07

right the euro and like talk

22:09

should a person that lake

22:11

in that relationship

22:13

i was very good at like bringing up problem

22:17

thrive in every experience

22:19

that he had been a problem they would end with getting

22:22

like yellow that are like i have abuse

22:26

particularly strong example

22:28

of but i have issues my

22:30

family in the key ally

22:33

it uses them with infections

22:36

like quite a bit of , as

22:38

within which is crazy cause as soon

22:40

as i left thoroughly thoroughly

22:43

a single problem with yeast infections anymore

22:45

and i'm like was it would get weird stressing

22:47

i don't know with know with barry

22:51

vagina like rejecting the man

22:53

ah the

22:57

right right right com by he

22:59

was like oh yeah cause they don't

23:01

want to get near your biohazard

23:03

have a vagina i learn

23:07

media he still apologetic the

23:09

party the same rage

23:11

iran

23:13

hey

23:15

that will he would think

23:17

that you're feeling bad enough with

23:20

like makes me the

23:23

the better but it's like know like that sticks

23:25

at me like i'm still like they're

23:28

paranoid about like

23:31

, my

23:33

hell down man i

23:36

get like read

23:38

about

23:38

that stuff

23:39

i get worse it makes me feel ashamed i

23:41

guess and i don't think that was it hurts

23:44

me and or something

23:46

i couldn't help

23:48

yeah and i'll say this

23:50

i think that you have the right

23:52

yeah blake and again are also see this

23:54

this is one of those ones where i want to be feared that

23:56

i know all i can lend is

23:58

a sympathetic ear when the

24:00

platform i recommend

24:03

a change there's there's people who therapists

24:06

who specialize in working with survivors

24:08

of abuse i'm sure there are people within

24:10

that realm who are specialists we're

24:14

working with specific manipulation

24:16

base the case of controlling

24:18

behavior and all this stuff on

24:21

, far from the only person that our

24:23

act and ice you know many

24:25

people i know to who have been in relationships

24:27

who is a salt lake this colts were it was like

24:29

it one person colton this guru

24:31

was dominates there's people

24:33

who know at the time i know what i'm saying that the

24:36

what i can say is

24:38

very healthy for me when you say

24:40

like other people my for say you

24:42

, to take accountability for our

24:44

new stayed in it and then you for them yeah yeah

24:46

and i take accountability and that

24:49

is about the end of that conversation you

24:51

know the

24:53

innocence of idea of course of course where

24:55

did i go wrong how can i make sure doesn't happen again

24:58

our , times or i'm validated it or their

25:00

times where i got addicted to

25:02

it or other times where i did

25:05

when i'm sure you've done all that soul searching backwards

25:07

and forwards it's doesn't change the fact

25:10

yeah that this guy

25:13

why is

25:15

paddy

25:18

narcissus c b c as

25:20

you doesn't even know how to watches on deck and kept

25:22

given you yeast infections and if he hears from

25:24

their that's my opinion of him as

25:27

him as

25:28

he can fuck off

25:31

three per guy that

25:33

theory think it would the leftovers silk

25:36

i think he didn't ring so bad enough

25:38

i can't

25:40

even ice his own dignity the you tell

25:42

a new guy she doesn't even i had a wash

25:44

his texts and he seem you telling

25:47

you how to live your life learn how to clean

25:49

your own dx the

25:52

middle east and then maybe you can offer

25:54

any one else persist criticism

25:56

on how they died left

25:58

am i to for years

25:59

amir for you but i do i do have

26:02

a prestigious and look i've been in

26:04

say this

26:07

how do we married

26:09

eight years the

26:12

lotta outs as release i had

26:14

i had a relationship

26:17

that was on and off with sabres and for

26:19

for eight years dating

26:21

before i met my wife and they were stretches of

26:23

that that were extraordinarily healthy it's just

26:25

as that worked i had relationships

26:28

that were very short

26:29

we're fine i had relationships i messed

26:32

up and i had some relationships that

26:34

were on aussies but i don't

26:36

think yeah i had any that were based

26:38

on showing that dominate and trying to make

26:40

it all about maybe tell you everything

26:43

you do know i really don't think so yeah

26:46

but i can say that

26:48

in it i met other people with stories that years

26:50

and i've seen these guys and

26:52

they're always data as i don't know

26:54

if this will ring true to you

26:56

from the outside looking in hugo oh

27:00

seen as cyber relationship reader oh

27:03

this is a guy who uses his own relationship

27:05

to see a big because to everybody

27:08

out here like me looking from the outside

27:10

in this mother fuckers so small

27:13

he sounds like that exact type of person

27:16

always it's a person that so excited if

27:18

a dog barks at me i barseback

27:20

and it's like know you'd like to thank

27:22

you that's abigail barseback but would you do is

27:24

you fall down in use in your knee and cry

27:26

about it and you know that are you really are in the

27:28

inside and that's why you have to be means

27:30

your girlfriend

27:33

i wanna clarify something

27:37

i feel that it took me until

27:39

well after my relationship was over

27:41

to you ain't

27:43

that it was a d a sense because

27:47

let me a while to realize it's abuse

27:49

is not like intentional

27:51

like abuses lake darling

27:54

times you know just because a person has so

27:56

much shame and

27:58

pain is ellen calvin trauma

28:01

that they won't deal with

28:03

in a healthy way that it has no

28:07

like when you don't m t are kept

28:09

it overflows into someone elses

28:12

it's like it's you you know shit like his

28:14

dad was really really abusive

28:17

and he never dealt with that in a healthy

28:19

way to their now

28:22

their was abusive to me and

28:25

anywhere that he was even

28:27

know he's a nerd like he was like

28:29

a little nerd like when he

28:31

they'd hit me it was

28:33

like

28:34

we were

28:35

again only plausible deniability

28:39

and see what they would usually

28:41

what it would be a to be having a nightmare

28:43

and his fleet in sure

28:45

i would like i think about

28:48

white and then a large can i do that anymore

28:50

it's ah but i would i try to gently wake

28:52

him up for a nightmare learn

28:55

he just got the shit out in a the

28:57

everyday

28:59

much that

29:02

you don't be reached that he briefly like with

29:04

you from a nightmare that would be something out understand

29:06

is that that like obviously not on purpose but

29:08

, would go on for like thirty forty seconds

29:11

like okay you're deaf we away away

29:13

did we not sleep watching right now

29:15

digitally hitting me and the again

29:18

within the next morning he would i

29:20

everything is howard inadequate

29:24

in hindsight jackets because he hunted

29:26

it's sex i've oh

29:29

that's still be alive thirty forty minute no no no

29:31

no

29:31

twenty points and laugh

29:34

the my arm the

29:36

next morning ideally the

29:38

way to i know that it was a

29:41

yeah like you were like kind

29:43

of as fleet but can we dislike talk

29:46

about like he remembers

29:48

that any he would be like do

29:51

realize what you're accusing me of and i

29:53

you like i mean yeah

29:55

i'd like i'm not

29:57

a you either known they will decide yeah

29:59

you credit that said other me

30:02

last night late for me talk about it maybe

30:04

i'm

30:06

well

30:07

sorry finish the dot yes

30:10

dot

30:11

area

30:13

they are you thinking it's interesting

30:15

how a lot of people draw the line

30:18

at shooting that's like the point

30:20

where people get

30:22

i bought up to nine but

30:24

the hating was like the least of my

30:26

problems like problems like care

30:29

about that

30:31

i think suicide

30:33

you have now or started talking about semantics

30:35

and it's starting to connect back i imagine some

30:37

of this thing we say there's people in your life will you

30:39

have to take responsibility for your and to and you

30:41

sit in goths yeah

30:44

yeah and people may go will can you really through

30:46

the word abuse around he was really hitting

30:48

you will he did well you seven know

30:50

fighters i woke up in this man he's a good

30:52

guy and like he's real fucks up in his troubles

30:55

as or here's the thing

30:57

and again i was going hard at him before

30:59

and i'll say this

31:01

he'd allowed to be fucked up to he's

31:03

allowed to have a city that are dumb cursing so

31:05

much in this one but stories like this if you've

31:07

listened to the show for a while you know stories like this always

31:10

send me into a race the same interests

31:12

as he's allowed to

31:14

have to have bad that

31:16

he's allowed to have been through a lot he's allowed

31:18

to have have it it damage him she's

31:21

even allowed you

31:23

had it boiled over in ways that he can't

31:25

control if we're going to

31:27

take all of their had start getting into semantic

31:29

debate about what does that really abuse

31:32

them and are you gonna take your response was

31:34

sh

31:36

we start debating word choices

31:38

that's what matters if you want to go

31:40

a baby it wasn't abusive he says you guys mix

31:43

together was extraordinarily unhealthy well

31:45

okay , it was extraordinarily unhealthy

31:47

thing that sounded like it was was

31:50

its best day mentally

31:53

exhausting and way more often

31:55

than that

31:56

somewhat dangerous for us in a

31:58

at the very least

31:59

the steam and at other times supers

32:02

and screaming in your face it is aiding

32:04

news screaming while you're driving like

32:07

unpleasant to think about these are images that

32:09

sound mean

32:12

it feel unsafe when you pressure me brain so it's

32:17

like

32:18

yeah

32:19

yeah response go for it to

32:21

see what i'm saying i'm mike i don't care about the hell has

32:23

to be and said look i was gone hardly task

32:26

as a pieces and i think all that suits but

32:28

it also is if all those things

32:30

are true about him he's allowed to be

32:32

as messed up as he is that if he's

32:34

not dealing with yes and is rolling downhill

32:36

to you that is ultimately his responsibility

32:40

to try to be the one to break the cycle and i don't

32:42

really care about a semantic to be is a

32:44

situation that you need desperately to get out

32:46

of call it what you want but

32:48

who cares about the debate surrounding

32:50

it

32:52

semantic

32:55

argument is one i've actually gotten

32:57

so extremely hung up

32:59

on

33:01

the you're you're mentioning like my college experience

33:04

as it's actually pretty

33:07

either way i think a lot

33:09

of my friends have treated me

33:11

after decisive

33:16

after

33:18

all the crazy live

33:19

the screaming the f word as loud as i said

33:22

i'm just gonna just gonna and say coffee

33:26

it

33:30

turned out pretty pretty silly

33:32

ah we we

33:34

have a hell of a such i would make

33:36

such a pipes reality

33:40

show and i'll get answered continue

33:46

the i am i

33:49

always been

33:51

no i gotta do this relationship

33:53

right and then i try to do the whole

33:55

with you know we're in his friend group

33:57

like all of her friends are sort of intertwined

34:00

i'm in a crazy the cordial thing

34:03

for a while then as

34:05

i started to eat i have

34:07

i've been in therapy for like a long time

34:09

and it's been really really hope

34:14

never in my therapist is

34:16

such a boom early game i like

34:18

met him and was like i'm gonna have to chase therapist

34:22

now that she's also be that

34:24

surplus i've ever had it

34:27

, such different people but i think that's

34:29

what i need is like a person is very

34:31

different for me ah right

34:36

the attorney boomer dude oh

34:40

and then one quickly only fazed anybody

34:43

anybody listening is dealing

34:45

with something doctor romany on

34:47

you tube or a i'm a and

34:49

i has been the

34:51

hurry life changing to me as parents

34:54

like see amazing

34:57

and , said , i

34:59

said lot of my ranges from

35:01

college as a kind of people that story

35:05

time they say believe women

35:07

you know this in the women who

35:09

have have for i mean

35:11

i target as you know i think

35:14

you know my ex who is like

35:16

one of your best friends was we

35:19

have you to me and

35:22

and

35:24

i know

35:26

the danger that conversation and like

35:29

that coming hundred cases are a crisis

35:32

he noted somebody may cry back

35:34

and the latest don't see anything

35:36

about yeah

35:39

i would be guys and they always english springer

35:42

and a hold him accountable and a much to

35:44

our are you holding them accountable i know

35:46

what you guys talk about you

35:49

guys are you talking about like

35:51

d stuff like you guys don't

35:55

i just know they're not i did one

35:57

friend she was only thing you

35:59

know

35:59

he yeah be

36:02

rigor like to know like any

36:04

abuser i would be up and

36:06

it's like okay like that

36:08

gray why don't you just start by

36:11

not being friends with them that's

36:13

a great start and then you can think about

36:15

beating them up later

36:17

its paws right there and for any of

36:19

my young people listening i want you to know the

36:21

dissolved rooted in effect that i really believe

36:24

in the power of you and i hope this is an

36:26

eye opening scene when you emerge

36:28

those new values and ethics that young generations

36:31

come up with with lived experience that's

36:34

, they start to me for comment and

36:37

way i'll stop being an armchair

36:39

philosopher who think they can be right back

36:45

they began to all of our advertisers never

36:47

going to finish off the phone call

36:51

why don't you just start by not

36:53

being friends with them that's a great

36:55

start and then you can think about beating them

36:57

up later know

37:01

as and as and as this is all made

37:03

me very angry

37:05

infuriating to see

37:07

my friend code believe women you

37:09

know listen to women alleged they're

37:11

like neck and that they're just hi

37:14

philippe thing you are hanging out with my

37:16

abuser and like now

37:19

it is very frustrating glad he handled it

37:21

hasn't always been the most grateful

37:24

i , say but i also think

37:27

i just gotta give myself gotta little bit a great

37:29

as be goes everybody

37:32

makes mistakes and that's

37:35

okay

37:35

yeah ah

37:39

say couple things couple things if i can

37:42

that's all very real yeah and i'm sure

37:44

this censor yourself skill

37:46

the remove yourself from a situation

37:48

that's unhealthy in and things like

37:51

this make you feel

37:53

very alone in when you got

37:55

when you have friends who are the ones post i believe

37:57

all women who don't believe you imagine

38:00

this extraordinary and lonely and loneliness

38:03

is , a feeling that as a companion

38:06

companion even worse stuff rape on

38:11

it's been

38:13

but

38:15

i'm really lucky because

38:18

the

38:20

like pretty good at

38:23

making friends around

38:25

so oh

38:29

year is like sort of a starting over

38:32

and , been leaning in few like

38:34

acquaintanceship if that's a

38:36

weird but but i never would

38:39

have if i didn't have all these they can see

38:41

from like friend people who i no longer

38:43

consider my friends and

38:46

friends just some sort of realizing that way my

38:49

old friend group we're

38:52

for me on

38:55

so like

38:58

it's it's welcome few me

39:01

when i'm sorry a few

39:04

like new people and becoming

39:06

closer with them

39:08

a sam

39:11

going to be very the speckled

39:14

how i freeze the following because i don't want to betray

39:16

something avast is set on the shows is i

39:18

think people give young generations

39:21

too much

39:22

shit

39:25

the

39:25

i don't gamble

39:27

it's easy to say all no

39:30

anyones engine z or saw straight like

39:32

that's the dialogue is being raised sauce

39:34

to say care what , you

39:36

talking about us know

39:39

that a good stuff that a letter i think we've rolled her

39:41

eyes a younger generations too much i

39:43

think that

39:44

the

39:47

i think it's very easy to be dismissive of

39:49

of the younger people and

39:52

it's the i don't understand the impulse

39:54

because younger generations are you are correct

39:56

like ninety percent of the time when it comes any

39:58

sort of thanks for what are

39:59

say as

40:02

you brought up something that jumps out at me

40:04

which is this idea that you know you have the people out there

40:07

i would i would beat up any abuse if i

40:09

ever heard about it a bizarre i'd be the muppets

40:11

the city when you go life

40:13

is ultimately the

40:16

collection of lived experiences right

40:19

and sometimes i think when people were still

40:23

the younger set to their life when they've

40:25

just gonna high school started college like

40:27

now i'm old enough to see that as use

40:29

for in , pretty big way

40:32

seen a single of those those

40:34

are the those are the tough words of

40:36

someone who has lived the experience

40:39

experience your hopes that now that

40:41

someone's living me see if they'll if

40:44

thought about talking the talk it's about walking

40:46

the walk and that in and life walking

40:49

the walk is not i'm gonna i'm gonna grab

40:51

a bad go beat don't let any abuse

40:53

it's like know you're gonna run

40:55

into situations and nice where

40:58

you gotta be there for friend where

41:00

were you gotta just some lies in the sand and go

41:05

it's much more layered that's

41:08

because i'm sure there's some people that are just sit

41:10

near

41:11

when he's not an abuser and then you

41:13

see them posted photos see it on instagram

41:15

in your life what's up i'm sure there are other

41:17

people going yeah a your relationship

41:19

did that really dark and works for me outside it

41:22

seems a huge output through the worst of it but

41:24

i , like he needs a lot to help and i want

41:27

to be that type of person who will try

41:29

to help loses doesn't happen again you know

41:31

that's more layered and more real

41:33

and more the kinds of tough choices that you have

41:36

to make in real life as you live experience

41:39

so it also a directly it does sound

41:41

like you have a lot of friends wary ego

41:43

is it is it is

41:45

novel to voice what

41:47

you would do in a situation but until

41:49

you've been in it you don't really know and

41:53

that's that's eye opening thing as and

41:55

it stinks it stinks for you to have to

41:57

be what sounds

41:59

like the unfortunately

42:02

kind of scientific and

42:05

shaw by which allowed to your friend group may be

42:07

learned that you can talk

42:09

all you want happens , don't really

42:11

know what you're going to do and you gotta hope your moral compass

42:14

is good enough to guide

42:16

you in a way you'll feel good about money

42:18

sleep when you try to lay down and go to sleep at

42:20

night it that's real life you know

42:24

i think a lot of my

42:26

friends

42:29

right i get after

42:32

we broke up by the

42:34

few months later after i started to realize like oh

42:37

this is a good seriously abusive relationship

42:39

for a long time i started

42:41

to tell my friends hey

42:43

you know if you're inviting

42:46

already replace coal and it's don't

42:48

invite me is that one ago i don't have been

42:50

well because one second else

42:52

one of flags or it's totally fine and like

42:54

a grown up a bit right around twenty two minutes

42:57

and you know me sir we flag that make sure

42:59

editors cause we're not what can we get new and

43:01

any trouble sweet

43:04

like that when i named don't worry about

43:06

it

43:08

yeah i got my friend like if you

43:10

invite him to sell invite

43:12

me i don't want to be in the same room as him

43:15

and learned slowly became like

43:17

job

43:20

i just stopped getting invited the

43:23

to the a weakened by hand which

43:25

was like the

43:28

really really cash and

43:31

because it was like all

43:34

right oh i i

43:36

i sort of made this february

43:39

i'd like giving people the go to

43:42

hang out with my abuser and i

43:45

don't know he can city but it also my

43:47

eyes to those it's oh okay i just

43:49

won't be friends with these people yeah

43:52

alternate i get his say things that i'm

43:54

exaggerating because they

43:57

, this , of i get i

43:59

haven't talked to them that too many saw

44:01

the conversation been which i reiterate

44:05

my parents the people on don't doing

44:07

that bad it very

44:10

frustrating because he do that i

44:13

don't expect you to to reiterate the

44:15

you know what happens you and it's like okay

44:17

but yeah judith

44:20

inherently doubt believe me

44:23

and i , a lot of people think

44:25

my use of the word abuses like extremely

44:28

exaggerate korean that i am trying

44:30

to deflect accountability for what was

44:32

like equally toxic between us us

44:35

the people closest to me has been like

44:38

yeah we could say like you did like

44:40

one or two thing but like like

44:44

but what you did not hold

44:47

like like it just

44:49

is not even closely measure

44:52

to a heated zeal but

44:55

the best friends that are

44:56

the

44:59

do you think about this advantage of the word abuse

45:01

because that's one thing i run into a lot

45:03

as a lot of people thinking that my

45:06

you for the way to do is like very

45:10

that you're sorry or that my

45:12

i like meeting up the experience

45:15

in my hand is that i don't

45:17

really i

45:21

cannot be

45:22

what are you being harsh on him

45:25

or you're not considering his side of the coin

45:27

or whatever it is they can come

45:29

up with all the reasons they want is you are

45:31

allowed to use that word and it should be taken

45:33

very seriously when it's used

45:36

and if they desire running so

45:38

if they decide you're exaggerating or being histrionic

45:41

then then let them

45:43

go and choose and let them

45:45

make that choice and like you said

45:47

understand that snow friend years anyway but

45:49

here's another thing that if

45:52

that if that it sounds like

45:54

i'm able to think of as is outside observer

45:57

that i it sounds the

46:00

be an aide maybe there's a thought you've had that

46:03

is something i'm wondering is i understand ice

46:06

if you smile on my i can see this idea

46:08

that friends aren't listening to you and it makes

46:10

you want to rip your hair our and and you feel like some

46:13

of it is the third judging your story

46:15

the , of it does severity

46:18

of it it we're also talking

46:20

yeah the guy who for six for

46:23

managed to stop you from dressing how

46:25

you want it managed to make you have a dialogue

46:27

in your head that you were all

46:29

for it to

46:31

the degree murder

46:32

yoga had been of very

46:35

very noisy how to run the food in the

46:37

i was dreamily ,

46:40

and and a little social

46:42

little and actually like i'm

46:45

actually competent thing that like

46:48

the they were very charismatic

46:50

persists like think people

46:53

like , but like back then

46:55

i was so ah socially

46:58

squeamish and like he

47:00

was like yell at me after parties and do it

47:02

why did you say that sea levels of

47:04

for you made everybody hate you and

47:06

it's that's very isolating thing because

47:09

he had me convinced that like none of

47:11

my friends with like me if it weren't for

47:13

him like he's the reason

47:15

anybody talks to me because i'm sad

47:18

yeah years so

47:22

yeah , hear what your that's against such

47:24

a group it makes me squeamish year you're so

47:26

lucky to have him around because without him you'd

47:28

be this outcast on the fringes of society

47:31

unable to communicate communicate

47:33

of it and it's untrue but keep in mind

47:35

he was able

47:38

you create that environment keep

47:42

you in any for six years so

47:44

, also a chance yeah this is someone

47:47

who clearly clearly look if

47:49

any of your friends perceived as the way you're

47:51

saying it to me right now as you've

47:53

laid it out over the past forty five minutes none

47:55

of them would be arguing they'd be going at

47:58

worst they beyond our of that abuse it's

48:00

real fucked up like that that that was needed

48:02

me saying that sienna yeah

48:04

there's something to be said yes this

48:06

person's very masterful of manipulation

48:09

and some of these friends who are

48:11

cutting you out

48:13

that's probably fair to say i

48:15

have to imagine this guy can as many

48:18

of these you will tell me can , be a

48:20

hell of a charmer in the right situation

48:23

also knows how to be the likes of the party

48:25

when they wanted to be that there's people would be shocked

48:27

to hear that to said that he of associates

48:30

that does his assistant or only i lazy ships

48:32

he might be plan these people to and in

48:34

my experience again as as a guy who's now

48:37

i mean it's so funny i've been through phases

48:39

of my life do in this show of these years were

48:41

unarmed in my forties and i'm a dad

48:43

like i am demonstrably have an older

48:45

lifestyle than you but i go

48:48

i know versions of this and what happens

48:50

is this there's there's gonna be friends you'll lose

48:52

and it's gonna suck and it's can drive you nuts

48:54

now and here's a

48:56

gonna happen either she's gonna get help

48:59

and shape up

49:00

and he's gonna own it and apologize in

49:02

some fashion

49:04

war that never going to happen his

49:06

life's gonna get darker and weirder

49:08

and he's gonna there's , be

49:10

ah i'm a pattern of people

49:12

just going any to get away from this person

49:14

cause this is this is is

49:17

it's twisted outlay minutes

49:19

and is sadly years

49:21

down the line you will then start hearing from people

49:24

who go a i wish

49:26

i had listened see a harder cause i actually

49:28

just had actually falling out with this guy or like

49:30

i got some distance him and realized actually

49:33

do some really twisted stamina

49:35

and that is kind of the sad reality

49:37

he's in you're not the only person is able

49:39

to manipulate if he could do it to you can

49:41

probably reframe the conversation for

49:43

a lot of these friends and he probably has

49:45

yeah trying to dodge responsibility or has enough

49:48

of a narcissist to convince them that his truth is the

49:50

only truth and they're buying into a to

49:52

and they're hearing his side of the story in and going

49:54

maybe she is being histrionics

49:56

crazy but he's manipulating everybody it's

49:59

who he is it's he's on

50:04

i would call him as vulnerable narcissist

50:06

sooner villages main manipulation

50:09

tactic is katie and

50:12

our civil she's i'm

50:14

still getting people to feel bad

50:16

for that was like his name

50:20

and then you yeah yeah

50:22

he's a funny guy is a carnival i for the party

50:25

but his main thing is them romany

50:28

video she uses example

50:30

and i was like this example is like exactly

50:33

what happened to me as a street he

50:35

stands alone by himself at parties

50:38

and he wait for like a nice person to come

50:40

up to him and just be like they're nice

50:42

though and then he likes exploit their nice list

50:45

to get under feel bad for him

50:47

now

50:48

he got deliberating from there

50:51

i , i missing with my friend

50:53

group if i get any apologies

50:56

i'll be really lucky i really don't expect to

50:58

hear any apology and although

51:00

i think he will abuse is max girlfriend

51:02

nuts with that said that big

51:04

that britain the rubber this

51:07

whole thing is like ah

51:10

the will it be if his ex girlfriend

51:12

still do it very slowly like

51:14

the the frog in the boiling water or whatever

51:18

he'll he'll be very careful about

51:20

which girl he chooses it'll be

51:22

somebody rather younger than him on

51:25

, is new to i'm like basil

51:28

and obama and friendly but friendly

51:30

the big enough metropolitan police

51:32

slava he says sheboygan yeah

51:35

los angeles ca money

51:38

yeah it'll be somebody new to this city

51:41

who doesn't really know that many people the

51:44

oh charlie

51:47

surrogates she'll be a little bit younger than him and

51:49

should be really nice and really insecure

51:52

supervisor the expense of i had

51:54

to guess and then he'll probably abuse

51:57

or over time he'll take longer

51:59

than he did with

51:59

the

52:01

that

52:02

like when he started doing the

52:04

like tour be little stupid heating

52:06

stuff after like five years

52:09

he'll start after like ten years

52:11

i think with the next person

52:13

or maybe to you never

52:15

know

52:17

yeah maybe is organising a is

52:19

actually fairly priced the pillow by her

52:21

head

52:22

like a year to see this is a modern

52:25

i , hit you can i was having a nightmare

52:28

makes sued if you're listening to this someday

52:30

that's how i hear you you didn't

52:32

he am i having an having that's

52:36

how you sound to me second you give me the wrong

52:38

kind of bandied that's how you

52:40

sound to me sound center and

52:43

i shouldn't as yeah on of i wants

52:45

you to know my side but that is is

52:47

that and that is why has to behave that way

52:49

on the inside because that's how he knows he's proceeds

52:52

on the outside you know an arm

52:55

you know what are i also want to see to add

52:57

to this was fined by we got less than twelve minutes

52:59

this would you just broke down

53:01

of you gonna find somebody younger

53:03

than i'm probably somebody his new to the area

53:06

probably somebody who doesn't have like

53:08

have social support system in that area

53:11

is gonna get to them first and be the foundations

53:13

or the stereo and out

53:15

there probably so many people listening

53:18

right now going wow

53:21

i'm not in this after like

53:23

i'm not in or or would like to be seeing

53:25

i was in or the thing i am in

53:29

it's not exactly the same

53:31

when it as some commonalities and

53:33

i bet that little stretch right they're

53:35

just made some people

53:37

open their eyes were wide and go wow

53:41

because there there are patterns sister hearing

53:43

steering that you found out that he's to punch to pillow

53:45

next says x

53:47

then you say you when he would come out of a nightmare

53:51

fake adam and and then you describe

53:53

him to and i remember i remember and i

53:55

won't lie i remember being

53:57

like i'm so tortured and tortured

53:59

and

53:59

liquid why doesn't anybody understand me i'm a comedic

54:02

genius and that was me back in the day

54:04

but that doesn't mean that

54:06

i punch a pillow next to somebody said

54:08

it means on my car

54:11

a dramatic and in secure

54:13

guy trying to find his place the world and it's on

54:15

me the go find it the on me to

54:17

go figure out how to make those the yeah positive motivation

54:21

not things where you find somebody and isolate

54:23

them so you can have a

54:25

human punching bag to make you feel better

54:28

that you're so tortured and dark and no one

54:30

understands yeah that's stories been

54:32

that story i send us a thing and another

54:34

thing to narcissist don't understand stories

54:38

not an inch thing and it's been told a million

54:40

times over and every college

54:42

towns got ten of those this

54:45

he he wanted always i

54:48

would be like you know obviously

54:51

very frustrated with

54:53

the abuse and i would be like

54:55

i really think you need to get into therapy

54:58

and , like to talk fear of friendly

55:01

cost is somebody who is it nice because it seems

55:03

like you kind of using is that the only

55:06

sort of emotional support in your life like as life

55:08

like need like start

55:10

talking shit reaching out your friends

55:12

and be like hey can i please like

55:15

the universally voyager stuff like

55:18

trauma and , that you don't

55:20

understand like guys don't do

55:22

that the guise of talk to their friendly

55:24

damage okay what are

55:26

you you asked

55:29

if you have to talk to your friends because of

55:31

, younger abuse like it and i didn't articulate

55:34

it as a deadly you're abusing me you

55:36

have to figure something out some

55:38

sort of emotional outlet or because

55:40

you're destroying the it's it's

55:43

cove it was awful lot

55:45

is over but like when we were within see

55:47

editor were within so bad

55:49

look it also my town of the reason

55:51

you broke up right there's no escape there's

55:53

no pressure release me start to go where

55:55

home together all the time now and it's becoming

55:57

clear that this is what that eyes

55:59

i don't even get to go out with yeah this

56:02

is a couple nights a week ago take the driver whatever

56:05

is any the i better i bet there might

56:07

be a lot of people though it actually made

56:09

me look taken a close look at a broken relationship

56:12

and get to a safe place maybe

56:14

that's one of the silver linings is pandemic

56:16

i bet there's other stories like that out

56:20

inaccurate another specifically brought up yeah

56:24

we could even as you say you saying

56:26

these things that are clear cut patterns and i'm

56:28

telling you there's so many

56:30

of us didn't know that story that

56:32

either

56:34

witnesses in friends or

56:36

were that person or like i said i

56:38

remember being the young him

56:41

in college ah man i misunderstood

56:43

this misunderstood unscarred why does any but again had angered

56:46

also and guess what i did i got a dexterity

56:48

eventually and i took pills

56:50

yeah and i

56:53

started asking a doctor like a job

56:55

i feel so fucked up

56:57

it's have you and he'd go you

56:59

i yeah here's some patterns

57:01

that unfolds and i fixed it up

57:04

a boy continue to work to

57:06

fix it rather but

57:08

i also wanted to ask you

57:10

, before that you've as used to job as

57:12

together and it's it's funny that you said he felt

57:14

like a calls because one

57:17

thing that cult leaders historically have

57:19

done is they will get people to do heavy

57:21

drugs both to

57:23

do something taboo an illegal were

57:25

now illegal in it together we have this thing

57:27

where you subtle as you subtle minimal subtly

57:29

feel like you can just

57:31

out me as a person who does

57:34

that or let me get you

57:36

to a place where your minds not totally right

57:38

so that i can also further kind

57:40

of be the one whispering in your ear and

57:43

defining it as it disconnected from reality

57:45

or for the i'm wondering if that was any

57:47

element of it there

57:50

the thing i

57:52

has

57:53

never thought about this before

57:56

my my whole college friends

57:59

a dead i don't

58:02

be buried a lot of acid but like probably

58:04

more than most college

58:06

friend groups

58:10

then i think a lot of the guys in my group

58:13

would use acid as of

58:15

today this

58:17

is like when i use as

58:19

said i can cry and be

58:21

emotional with my bro the

58:25

i can't do that without the drug

58:28

since i was like every place and and

58:31

, i see

58:34

in security is very galvanized

58:36

by ego and it's really

58:38

hard to be emotionally vulnerable with your

58:40

friends when you got like this

58:42

in your ego sort of like protecting

58:45

your insecurity

58:46

you can't break down that wow

58:49

and like drugs would be the only

58:51

the way that they could sort of like

58:55

download layers of going

58:57

to be like stoner bowl openly people

59:00

around them

59:01

we don't have any

59:03

family and i want to see you i believe

59:06

you know ivory studies about how they're starting to

59:08

figure out ways to use em dia may

59:10

or or mushrooms in

59:12

treatment and i

59:14

believe and yeah and i think said it suits

59:17

what

59:18

the dangerous about that dialogue is

59:20

it it does create what you

59:22

just described which is this is

59:25

our therapy the think know

59:28

there's clinical trials been done with this

59:30

all these things are being done with our

59:33

our actual trained doctors merging

59:36

treatments like this

59:37

when he had trauma

59:39

relief like we talked to someone on the show

59:42

months ago i might be here soon a day all

59:44

blend together you know somebody who

59:47

used i asked her to help other

59:49

combat veterans can come to a peaceful

59:52

place and you are right ,

59:54

right there's a lot of value in this but you

59:56

have to have a game plan as saw end

59:58

and the the things that are therapeutic

1:00:01

but you can't use them to replace therapy

1:00:04

and you can't pretend

1:00:05

in yeah all that stuff

1:00:08

that is very cold leave

1:00:10

your to say

1:00:11

why don't we do some weird drugs or the other

1:00:14

big coal one and i'm not prying and i'm fine

1:00:16

this is what happened but another similar one why

1:00:18

don't we sort of live like a kinky

1:00:21

sexual life and them when you try to remove

1:00:23

yourself from the cold the

1:00:25

cult leader goes well maybe your dad or get an

1:00:27

email and i'll tell him all the stuff

1:00:29

you've done when it comes to drugs and sex assigned

1:00:31

you got i don't want them oh my god

1:00:33

i in it in l like that type of stuff

1:00:36

is classic cult leader

1:00:40

show black male is like

1:00:42

such a thing in the relationship

1:00:46

you'd , like why don't i just tell

1:00:48

everybody about like this thing

1:00:50

that you did this one time and

1:00:52

i would like freak out and oh hey i won't

1:00:54

i won't ask you for anything like

1:00:57

ask him for a thing

1:00:59

they had to not yell at me or somebody

1:01:01

be like reason i yell at you

1:01:03

because you don't understand if

1:01:05

understand if yell at one time he was like

1:01:09

they yell at you excited the

1:01:13

same way that people protest like

1:01:15

speeches and kill people are yelling

1:01:17

nobody understands or listen i

1:01:20

, like blizzard and same comparison

1:01:24

comparison yourself as a time you and i

1:01:26

certainly believe this again in delhi

1:01:28

yet needs your black lives matter as

1:01:31

a banana

1:01:33

well a and i mean the

1:01:35

old school right the boomers have like the

1:01:37

hippies who cry who secretly hit

1:01:39

their wives and for ,

1:01:41

generation i think it was like our the guys

1:01:43

who really love weezer who are the most massage

1:01:45

and is sick people behind closed doors the nerd

1:01:48

who becomes the bully you know the

1:01:50

sensitive tortured are actually wants to claim

1:01:52

that his own inner pesos

1:01:55

is the actual human equivalent of the

1:01:57

entire black lives matter movement he can

1:01:59

actually just

1:01:59

then his brain

1:02:01

the said

1:02:03

yeah

1:02:03

linked to here and sadly not shocking

1:02:06

to hear

1:02:09

yeah one

1:02:11

thing i'll say about he

1:02:14

i don't like like it if

1:02:16

somebody like to wake

1:02:19

the friday this like somebody who

1:02:21

was there is an abuser and they want

1:02:24

to be like the guy that hold them accountable

1:02:28

that person the

1:02:32

the thinking about the victim as well

1:02:34

and staying in touch with them and like hearing

1:02:37

their side of things and listening to

1:02:39

their one because ,

1:02:42

might be the guy

1:02:44

who's are you know this guy accountable

1:02:47

while your intentions are good your actions might

1:02:49

actually be really misguided he

1:02:51

says like a

1:02:54

lot of my friends i won't be therapy

1:02:56

because the haven't had

1:02:58

this out loud that like they think they're for their kids

1:03:00

done about , but

1:03:02

it's like a few i don't know

1:03:06

there

1:03:07

they're the same race fire also narcissist

1:03:10

are incapable of shame

1:03:12

they are like incapable

1:03:14

, embassy they are incapable of

1:03:16

feeling guilty but

1:03:19

their guilt isn't really productive select

1:03:22

the they feel bad

1:03:24

about a thing one thing like that that

1:03:26

my ex would always do

1:03:28

he would feel guilty about

1:03:30

the way he treated me as he to reach

1:03:32

out or he'd like show up to an advantage

1:03:35

of the same time as me to like time

1:03:37

like have off a little heart to heart

1:03:39

with me oh ,

1:03:41

that was is not what i wanted at all and it's like

1:03:43

the actions you take the in order to assuage your

1:03:45

guilt are actively making me

1:03:48

your victim where you're trying to make feel

1:03:50

better you're making me feel so much word

1:03:53

of

1:03:54

the talent

1:03:57

you're gonna try to pay

1:03:59

the

1:03:59

it through a try so hard to hold people

1:04:02

accountable often like

1:04:04

you sooner really misguided way because

1:04:06

they're again they're not listening to

1:04:08

women they're not listening to this of

1:04:10

and what they want they're just doing what they

1:04:12

think is right

1:04:14

the could be made up the right thing in their own head

1:04:17

and they're hoping against hope that

1:04:19

they haven't really the

1:04:22

mischaracterized this person so severely

1:04:24

and that they weren't smart enough to see

1:04:26

it and they're hoping they haven't bet on

1:04:28

the wrong yeah that degree that this would imply

1:04:30

that they have and again it's one of

1:04:32

the things that i'll say sadly i

1:04:37

lived experience then

1:04:39

i'd i'd idea i'd

1:04:42

bet you're going to find out is through

1:04:44

some conversations that are and people

1:04:46

and and this might be and sixteen years

1:04:48

you might have a hard to her it was some issue right now going

1:04:51

the i thought i could see that guy but holy

1:04:53

shit i p was actually

1:04:55

just using that as a smokescreen to not

1:04:57

saints a that

1:04:59

, have fifteen years so now it's

1:05:02

our , is up i want to see first of

1:05:04

all

1:05:05

thank you for trusting me with all this i

1:05:08

hope that

1:05:10

yeah in any wanna get the fact

1:05:12

that this

1:05:13

and i want to say both you and anyone listening that

1:05:16

any moments where i put my foot my

1:05:18

mouse that the wrong

1:05:20

thing i do apologize i've

1:05:22

been here hoping

1:05:24

that

1:05:26

you can lean on me and and and trust said

1:05:28

i got good intentions and hearing outs

1:05:30

and also just wanna say this and closing

1:05:34

her listeners we're going a bleep it

1:05:37

that our to say you did slip

1:05:39

up and say this person first name at one point

1:05:42

the just in case i know and send out

1:05:45

last name for is a mess our

1:05:47

pdf earth as is are here to nickname

1:05:51

i will say if this is the name people

1:05:53

do you have this person walks into a room and that's

1:05:55

the name that people say

1:05:58

the cartoonishly mc that he cartoonishly

1:06:01

do see names in an answer to

1:06:06

and i think you can probably said that is year and

1:06:08

a half with a year and a half of this does out you can

1:06:10

see that

1:06:16

that i sincerely thank you

1:06:18

for triangulating and i what

1:06:21

you went through was not easy thank

1:06:24

you for the you're breaking down if people wanna

1:06:26

good debate the samantha x screw them

1:06:28

but when i will say as whatever you

1:06:30

wanna call it that there

1:06:33

are a lot of people who heard reflections

1:06:35

of what they're dealing with right now and what you just

1:06:37

said i think you may be helped a lot

1:06:39

of people not as to

1:06:41

spend six years before they figure it out

1:06:43

i think you may have just flattened

1:06:46

, learning curve a little bit for a lotta people out

1:06:48

there and and maybe help them see that there

1:06:50

are situations they need to remove themselves from

1:06:52

so thank you for doing that the saudis

1:06:54

my god

1:06:57

you can i feel like my last day

1:06:59

or worse of course

1:07:01

yeah i'm a mistake

1:07:05

yeah abuse

1:07:06

one time thing is not appear

1:07:08

as you've made a mistake don't

1:07:10

take that

1:07:11

no mistaking faith am i the abuser

1:07:13

know abuse is a habitual

1:07:16

pattern of behavior is

1:07:18

that last a lot of time

1:07:20

at i will say this and

1:07:23

it sounds as if you've been great yeah

1:07:27

that's awfully nice either say and i'll just say

1:07:29

to you sound like a smart person

1:07:31

and the together person and underwear person

1:07:33

and underwear person is start a lot about it and i'll just

1:07:35

say my in listen i don't even know

1:07:37

your name

1:07:39

we've only to talk for an hour you

1:07:42

don't sound like somebody who's a strawman words out

1:07:44

there cause they're coming into your head for the first time

1:07:46

right now it sounds like you've done a lot of soul searching

1:07:49

to get the conclusion and

1:07:53

my and it makes it very easy to believe

1:07:56

you

1:07:58

yeah allocates experience

1:08:00

pretty dangerous to talk about this publicly

1:08:03

which is why i think it platform

1:08:05

is so perfect

1:08:08

well that's are brilliant a year i hope

1:08:10

that changes over time out that we

1:08:13

all cyst that

1:08:14

abu

1:08:15

that

1:08:17

the you a better way to help each other and and that

1:08:19

think you have done your part

1:08:21

as i bet there's people out there in another

1:08:23

heads and go oh he's

1:08:26

putting words to some things that i felt

1:08:28

crazy thinking anti

1:08:32

you did good really really

1:08:34

good

1:08:35

oh man

1:08:40

call her thank you so sincerely

1:08:43

i know i it a a few i

1:08:45

think y'all but people also want to go go ahead and the out

1:08:47

show and say this one person who we didn't have

1:08:49

enough times to the thanks to your sister i

1:08:52

wish i had time to talk i mean we

1:08:54

can review and i that flew by with so much to say

1:08:56

but also thanks to the family

1:08:59

member who step in and says something is really

1:09:01

here something's really work you're not

1:09:03

like you're yourself thanks

1:09:06

to your sister who stepped

1:09:08

into a situation and said, i'm not going to be

1:09:10

polite about this i'm going to disrupt the

1:09:12

algorithm is eaten up

1:09:16

thank you to thank lead of horrors for producing to show

1:09:18

thank you to ryan connor for engineering thank

1:09:21

you to shell shag for providing our to

1:09:23

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