0:03

So everyone has resilience. Margin in it

0:05

differs from situation the situation. For example,

0:07

some kids are great at jokes that

0:09

can make a joke about themselves in

0:11

they don't mind it if someone criticizes

0:13

them to their face it's no big

0:16

deal so they have a lot of

0:18

margin in resilience. It's not offensive to

0:20

them but let's say someone least amount

0:22

of the group and that was like

0:24

an important party to go to and

0:26

their mind it's a big deal. Well

0:28

their frustration tolerance lowers and the importance

0:30

of the offense rises. Welcome

0:34

to the beautifully complex podcast where

0:36

I share insights and strategies on

0:38

parenting neuro divergent kids straight from

0:40

the trenches. I'm your host. Penning

0:43

Williams, I'm a parenting coach, author

0:45

and mindset mama honored to guide

0:47

you on the journey of raising

0:50

your a typical kid. Let's get

0:52

started. Welcome

0:55

back everybody! I am so excited

0:57

today to have Brooks Gibbs here

0:59

with me and we are going

1:02

to talk about emotional resilience behind

1:04

only getting as much as we

1:06

can fit in in this episode.

1:08

But I want to start first.

1:10

Just have you introduce yourself Brooks

1:12

for anybody who's listening. Let. Them

1:14

know who you are and what you do. Thank.

1:17

You so much for have me on

1:19

your podcast. My name is Brooke Scared

1:21

Summer Resilience Educator. Or with

1:23

a Phd and social psychology. And.

1:26

For twenty five years since

1:28

Columbine. Where. I lived after the

1:30

shooting and traveled and spoke with kids from

1:32

Columbine. I didn't go to that high school,

1:34

but many of my friends did and that

1:37

was the birthplace of the anti bullying movement

1:39

and sisters. Twenty five years since Columbine and

1:41

have been speaking on this topic of aggression.

1:43

I have a unique approach to it in

1:45

that I I don't like the word bully,

1:48

I don't like the were board bullying and

1:50

I'll explain why later and I think if

1:52

we want to solve this problem we have

1:54

to retire the word. That's always the first

1:56

step and then we have to look at

1:58

the science. Of aggression. What's really going on?

2:01

And then what is a simple

2:03

solution so that kids don't needlessly suffer?

2:05

list? Of into that. Why

2:08

do we not? Use the word bullying

2:10

and know how to win. Describe it and sad. Because.

2:13

Out bullying is a very

2:15

difficult idea to understand. If

2:17

you ask any parent or

2:19

student what is bowling, they

2:22

will tell you pretty much

2:24

the same answer. Any unwanted

2:26

behavior. They might add

2:28

as their thinkers any unwanted behavior

2:30

that I told them to stop

2:32

doing. But they won't stop doing

2:34

to demonstrate pervasiveness. Of

2:37

But if you ask a teacher

2:39

or a counselor or a school

2:41

administrator who's been trained in the

2:43

Or Vegas definition of bullying along

2:45

with coauthor Susan Limber, it's really

2:47

three things have to be involved.

2:49

For something to be qualified as

2:51

bullet, there has to be intense

2:53

to do harm. Number

2:55

Two: there has to be an

2:57

imbalance of power. Psychological power, And.

3:00

Number three is it has to be

3:03

pervasive, meaning repeated over time. Now.

3:05

Those definitions of morphed. A. Little

3:07

bit here and there. But. They're basically

3:09

the same. Those three things are

3:11

always present. And. So when

3:13

a parent. Goes to a school

3:16

administrator and says my child being bullied.

3:18

Well. The administrators gonna say you know

3:20

what would happen. Though. What he needed.

3:22

It does matter what happened. she was called the

3:24

name, she stole the stop and she didn't start

3:26

says keeps calling my daughter net. Well.

3:29

I'm sorry. I I

3:31

know the backstory and there was an intent

3:33

to inflict harm on your child. There were

3:35

just joking. Or. There wasn't repeated

3:37

over time does not ongoing problem. This does

3:39

happen once in this way I know she

3:41

did as exclusive thanks it Invited to a

3:44

party last week but that's a totally different

3:46

behavior so the same be a breeze not

3:48

repeated over time. In and it you know

3:50

sometimes your daughter is called the bullied by

3:53

this girl. Who. Feels like she's

3:55

weaker than your daughter is and

3:57

so I really can't prove imbalance

3:59

of power. And so no administrator

4:01

can ever actually admit that bully

4:03

never happened on campus because they're

4:05

stuck with the definition that's impossible

4:07

to apply in. And I'll give

4:09

you a good example benny. What?

4:12

Psychological instrument do we have?

4:14

To measure a child's

4:16

psychological power. And. Then

4:19

we can objective really compare the two.

4:21

Oh, she clearly has less psychological power.

4:24

She. Has more psychological power. Therefore, I

4:26

know who the bullies, I know who

4:28

the victim as there's no such thing

4:30

as doesn't exist. Now all we can

4:32

do is see who's upset more. But.

4:35

That's not the act of science,

4:37

that's an act of a discernment,

4:39

or, you know, evaluation of the

4:41

situation. What? About intent. Most.

4:44

Kids say. I'm not a

4:46

bully. I don't identify as a

4:48

bully. I'm on a sit down. She did

4:50

this to me. That's why do that to

4:52

her so there wasn't intend to do harm.

4:54

There is simply retaliatory feelings that happened without

4:57

even thought. Or maybe there are trying

4:59

to be funny. or maybe they're being critical. So.

5:02

This is such a hot mess. that's why there's

5:04

no from my understanding and I could be wrong,

5:06

but I doubt it. I. Don't think

5:08

there's a single working anti. Bullying Expert

5:10

today. The. Anti bullying movement

5:12

did. Not survive cove it.

5:15

And when all the schools went back. Most

5:18

anti bullying programs were cancelled. And

5:21

they were traded in for mental

5:23

health resources, social emotional learning rate,

5:25

resilience education because he a believe

5:28

has failed. Because. No one

5:30

actually can define it. No one knows what's

5:32

really going on and so we're going back

5:34

to some old social skills. Can I hear

5:37

you talking about looking deeper at the behavior

5:39

and what's really underneath A which we talk

5:41

so much about here on the podcast and

5:43

when we're working with Narrative Hurts. And kids.

5:45

But I know that it is the

5:48

way that we should be looking at

5:50

all kids and all behavior. We.

5:52

Tend to judge behavior from what

5:54

it feels like on the surface

5:56

and sort of really digging deeper

5:58

as you're talking about. In figuring

6:00

out what is going on underneath, why

6:02

is I behavior happening I think you

6:05

know to your point. Of we just label

6:07

someone is a bully and we asked them not

6:09

to do it again. What difference might

6:11

that make? Essence on a lot. For

6:13

a year we have to dig deeper.

6:15

And plus calling kids bullies his name

6:17

calling. Who knows. they were against name

6:19

calling and yet we label kids bully

6:21

said such a logical absurdity. It's it's

6:23

a contradiction. But. You're right,

6:26

Tinny The Why? Is the

6:28

bull's eye to solve the social problem?

6:30

And. There are only for reasons

6:33

why any one is ever aggressive.

6:35

I don't care if it's a squabble on a schoolyard.

6:38

Or. If it's the international war

6:40

between countries, There's only four

6:42

motivations of aggression. The. First

6:45

motivation is someone's trying to

6:47

bother you or have psychological

6:49

power over you. Bother said.

6:51

It's a classic sibling rivalry

6:53

issue. Usually. In a

6:55

home, you've got one who loves to bother and

6:57

another one who's easily bother. And in

6:59

there lies the toxicity. So.

7:01

That's one motivation. I just like butter and

7:03

you assistance I drove me crazy. making you

7:05

angry. The. Second motivation behind

7:08

aggression is humor. And

7:10

humor is extremely violent. people don't realize

7:12

it. It's always x somebody

7:14

expense and compliments or never funny

7:17

only insults or funny. So.

7:20

Is to be funny, you have to violate

7:22

a know him which is typically insulting. And

7:25

no one needs to be harmed. You know

7:27

they're supposed to laugh at a joke about themselves.

7:29

Well when they don't laugh and the there is

7:31

harm it's not funny to that person, but it

7:33

might be funny to the comedian who told the

7:35

joke. So the third reason why people are aggressive

7:38

as. Well. They're hurt by the

7:40

other person isn't like I mentioned earlier.

7:42

I. Did this because you said this and you're

7:45

not supposed sit at. The. Fourth and

7:47

final reason why someone might be

7:49

aggressive is because they're critical. They're.

7:51

Wanting to help you improve their pointing

7:53

out a flaw in telling you about.

7:56

Well. Someone's very sensitive to criticism and they

7:58

can't take the chris. This isn't. They're.

8:00

Going to call that bowling The neighborly

8:03

that's attacking them. When. Really the most

8:05

loving thing you can do. Is tell

8:07

a friend what's wrong with them. And that's

8:09

what friends do, Safe or the wounds of

8:11

a friend. It's enemies that actually

8:13

say no, keep acting stupid, keep doing exactly

8:16

what you're doing. You don't need to change

8:18

in effect. Of there's a flaw

8:20

a friend or pointed out, but we

8:22

translate that as bully when it's really

8:24

not. And that's why teachers are

8:26

call bullies. Coaches recall boys because they

8:28

are criticizing the child that in areas

8:31

of need improvement, And. The child

8:33

is not have the emotional resilience to

8:35

take a criticism and. Aside

8:37

about emotional resilience because I know

8:39

you talk about that a lot

8:42

near work and I see it

8:44

often in my work with Nerd

8:46

Divergence earner, diverse families and classrooms

8:49

that we struggle with building resilience

8:51

in or divergent kids And it's

8:53

something that we have to really

8:55

focus on and be very mindful

8:58

about working on Grit and Resilience

9:00

Bells and so I would love

9:02

to talk more about. How

9:04

do we build that emotional resilience

9:06

where I think thanks heads can

9:09

not have a buffer but kind

9:11

of have. The almost perspective.

9:13

To be able to look at these

9:15

reasons that you've given. And a

9:18

more objective way? almost? Is that true?

9:21

Yes, Yeah, they can think about

9:23

it objectively, not subjectively all tied in

9:25

emotions. That certainly helps. That's why viewing

9:27

things like games. you know playing games

9:29

is what I like to do with

9:31

kids as as a good understand you

9:34

know what's going on in a spirit

9:36

of play, but answer questions about resilience

9:38

like what is resilience and I think

9:40

the clinical terminology for resilience would be

9:42

best rephrase as. Frustration.

9:45

Tolerance and. Summer.

9:47

With high frustration, tolerance would be

9:49

considered resilient. Someone. With a

9:51

low frustration tolerance would be considered Not

9:53

resign. And. So how do

9:55

we raise the frustration tolerance? The

9:58

ability. To endure. Harsh

10:00

reality. Where. The that's a

10:02

brightness of the light. Whether. That's

10:04

the noise in the room. Whether that's the

10:07

touch of a friend is tapping them on

10:09

their shoulder? Whether that's a criticism, a joke.

10:12

Someone trying to bother them. Are.

10:14

You know, someone who's upset with them

10:16

like all these things? Whether they're tactile,

10:19

weather's kinesthetic, or whether it's environmental, they

10:21

can raise or frustration tolerance. And the

10:23

easiest way to raise someone's frustration tolerance

10:25

is to lower the importance of the

10:27

offense and lower the importance of innocence.

10:29

And so that's where the real work

10:32

is done. Effect? That's where most of

10:34

my life's work is done. Is

10:36

helping people lower the importance of innocence

10:38

and so I like to use the

10:40

the example of a industrial elevator. Typically.

10:43

In a commercial building you'll see elevators open.

10:46

Left. And right. But. An industrial

10:48

and a warehouse environment because up and down,

10:50

you know, and they close together. they rise

10:52

together and even go in and out of

10:54

an elevator. Well. If you

10:56

push plus a down on the lower

10:59

part of the industry elevator, the top

11:01

without even touching it will automatically

11:03

rise. And. That's how I view resilience.

11:05

Work is if we can lower the

11:07

importance of a. Frustration.

11:10

Tolerance Rt rises and the

11:12

lower the offenses, the higher

11:14

the tolerances And now I

11:17

call that resilience margin. To.

11:19

Everyone has resilience margin. And

11:21

it differs from situation. The

11:23

situation for example. Some. Kids

11:26

are graded jokes that can make a

11:28

joke about themselves and they don't mind

11:30

it of someone criticizes them. To their

11:32

face. it's no big deal. So. They

11:34

have a lot of margin in resilience.

11:36

It's not offensive to them. But.

11:38

Let's see someone leaves amount of the group. And

11:41

that was like an important party to

11:43

go to in their mind and they

11:45

really upset about they're offended by it's

11:47

a big deal while their frustration tolerance

11:49

lowers and the importance of the offense

11:51

rises and their margin is minimal. So.

11:53

We want to say, what Is

11:56

your child consistently upset over. That.

11:58

You hear the complaints. June and again and

12:01

again. It may not be name calling me,

12:03

not be social exclusion, It may not even

12:05

be pushes or shoves. but a summer's talking

12:07

bad about me behind my back. that's verbal.

12:09

Indirect. Aggression, gossip rumors, online comments

12:12

are trolling. Their imagination goes wild

12:14

and they can't stand that sorta

12:16

thing. So. We we have the

12:18

target. And. For it kids who

12:20

who are not neuro diverse. These.

12:22

Can be very much environmental, you

12:24

know, noises and light and. Things.

12:27

Like this and so. I have more

12:29

questions for this community than I have answers

12:31

more. I know the laws that govern human.

12:34

Psychology. And social dynamics

12:36

and those will never change

12:39

despite what someone's cognitive capacities

12:41

are. But. I often have

12:43

questions of how can we transfer this

12:45

information to a child. There. Was

12:48

a school here in Clearwater, Florida where

12:50

I live. They go through my curriculum.

12:52

Innocent a school. It's really dedicated to

12:54

the artistic population in and these beautiful

12:57

children love my videos! But. I

12:59

asked the headmaster. I said how do you

13:01

apply my teaches. As. He says

13:03

it's basically exposure response provision therapy.

13:06

Because. Sometimes talking and

13:08

explaining things logically. Can.

13:10

Only go so far. That's like anyone with

13:12

Lcd knows that talk therapy doesn't do it

13:15

Dang thing for Yossi Day. You. Have

13:17

to actually refused to wash your hands

13:19

for thirty minutes very he notes or

13:21

rage against the tendency or compulsion to

13:23

wash them. And so the same problem

13:25

is with those who are a new

13:27

are a diverse you have the in

13:30

incremental stages in which they can handle.

13:32

Expose them to the thing. That.

13:34

Once bother them and see

13:37

if you could expand their

13:39

resilience margin through exposure and.

13:41

Talk. You. Know but

13:43

exposure first, talk second for evaluation.

13:46

Losing your term, Resilience. That gap

13:48

there. we often followed the window

13:50

of tolerance that are great because

13:53

we have to. You know how

13:55

bark heads? open that window wider

13:57

and wider right? So like. Love

14:00

that you equate ed emotional resilience

14:02

to frustration. Tolerance For Susan tolerance

14:04

is something that we really struggle

14:07

with often with our. Kids, yeah,

14:09

and it is that building

14:11

of that muscle rate. We

14:13

need to keep exposing them

14:16

incrementally in amounts that they

14:18

can handle Ray and so.

14:20

We are building that frustration,

14:22

tolerance, swerve opening are whining

14:24

night window of tolerance, and

14:26

it can be really challenge.

14:33

My own sign. Who's Down Twenty one. He had

14:35

a really hard time in high school. Because.

14:38

He would see kids be mean to

14:40

each other, are not even to hem.

14:42

It bothered him just to see or

14:45

know that it happened. There were

14:47

people around. Term that were

14:49

hurt or upside and so

14:51

we honestly because it was

14:53

sad and other things the

14:55

environment we had to. Pull

14:58

back on how much time he spent at

15:00

school in person for a while and go

15:02

to that place of tolerance because after that.

15:05

He. Would check out and he

15:07

wouldn't be learning. He would just be

15:09

frustrated, rate and and that would keep

15:11

happening. And so we had to serve.

15:14

Step back to where his window of

15:16

tolerance was. And. Then very incrementally

15:18

you for saying just so little

15:20

bad so that we could keep

15:23

widening that window. And I think

15:25

that's a really common practice for

15:27

us and nerd diverse communities. Behind.

15:30

It helps our kids to.

15:33

Sit. with discomfort rate which is

15:35

something I think that when we

15:37

talk about for frustration tolerance. We're.

15:40

Talking about kids who have weighed

15:42

discomfort a lot of times. And

15:45

it can be really tough when they're. An

15:47

environment where they can't necessarily. Just.

15:49

Avoid at raise them as you're talking

15:51

about We have to build.rock resilience, fit

15:53

a wide and not marge and and

15:55

it can be really challenging. This is

15:58

the downside of empathy I think. The

16:00

I think Mp they can be a

16:02

disability and Sandra handicap it could certainly

16:04

be a disadvantage. Yeah, when we feel

16:06

too much. I think rational compassion

16:09

is good, but that compassion has to

16:11

sit the context of the situation and

16:13

people who have these challenges like your

16:15

son. They don't have all that. To.

16:17

Be able to understand contact other just joking

16:19

or you know what? the guy deserves. it.

16:22

You. Know he really upset his friends. We

16:24

have those competencies, but they don't so

16:27

I think you're right. I call it

16:29

second victimization. That's the downside of empathy

16:31

is that I actually started take the

16:33

Burden. Of. Someone elses bird

16:35

and. And anyone in the help therapies

16:37

you know has to fight this. I. Should

16:39

say the help industries. Now.

16:42

This is why watching movies with

16:44

a kid like mean girls you

16:46

know where people are really means

16:48

of this other girl and you're

16:50

watching it but they understand. Depending

16:53

on I guess the level of

16:55

autism and the level of. Competency

16:57

for reasoning. Cool. Thing about

17:00

movies is it keeps everything in context. Green and

17:02

so it's something that's not bigger than you. You

17:04

actually have it. It does not have you. It's

17:06

not wrapped all around you. Three sixty. You're not

17:08

in it's environment. It is in your environment. So

17:11

you could go to the tv, hold it, shake

17:13

it, And. Everything moves so

17:15

you're actually in control. This.

17:17

Is the same for horror movies which

17:19

are very therapeutic for kids who were

17:22

scared of ghosts. Drama in a like

17:24

social drama mean girls. Fantastic to show

17:26

kids of how many people can be

17:28

and then to talk about yeah but

17:31

ultimately. Here's. The crux of resilience

17:33

as far as I can tell. The.

17:35

Rigidity. Or. The particular

17:37

ness. That's. Where

17:40

their inability to lower the importance

17:42

of an offense happens. In other

17:44

words, the thing that's hindering their

17:46

resilience is their particular. Everything must

17:49

be just and so. Rigidity.

17:52

Not only repels people in relationships as why people

17:54

to want to hang around. Kids who

17:56

are rich him a much rather be around someone

17:58

who's more flexible. in there expectations and

18:00

interpretations of reality. But

18:03

the rigidity is what has to loosen up.

18:06

And this is actually a marker of autism, which

18:08

is tragic. This is

18:10

so tragic, because it has to be just

18:12

so. And so we have

18:14

to break that through diligence

18:16

and reasoning and

18:18

practice and exposure, help

18:21

them understand that this is

18:23

okay. You know, it's okay

18:25

that this happened. Finally, there

18:27

are three things I like to ask a kid,

18:29

especially he has the ability to reason. And

18:32

this helps him become more

18:34

flexible. The first question I ask

18:36

is, hey, how could this have been worse? At

18:39

least that guy wasn't murdering that guy. Wouldn't that

18:41

be worse? Instead, he was just yelling at him.

18:43

I know it was uncomfortable to be around that

18:45

type of situation, but good thing, he wasn't fighting

18:48

him physically, right? It could have been worse. Once

18:50

the child realizes, yeah, you're right. It could have been

18:53

worse. Then you ask the second question. Why

18:55

won't this matter in your future or

18:57

their future? You think they're

18:59

gonna forget about it? Yeah, you argue with your siblings

19:01

and you forget about it. They're gonna argue and they'll

19:03

forget about it. They'll probably be friends next week, won't

19:05

they? Then the third and final question

19:07

I say, how could this turn out for their good? Or

19:10

how can this turn out for your good? Well,

19:12

they need to have this conversation. It's a tough

19:15

conversation. They're dealing with the problem. That's really good.

19:17

I wish they were a little calmer, but they're

19:19

not. And you know what? It's actually

19:21

gonna turn out for their good because their friend

19:23

is yelling at their other friend. You're doing this

19:25

wrong. That hurt me. You need to stop. That's

19:27

gonna help that person improve. And

19:29

why was this good for you, son, to see? Because

19:32

you're gonna be in public places where people are yelling

19:34

and it's good for you to be around this sort

19:36

of thing. So you get used to what it's like.

19:38

You're safe. You just stay out of

19:40

it. Mind your own business. Don't intervene. Let them

19:42

work it out. So it was good that you

19:44

went through this. So reasoning,

19:47

if they're capable, how

19:49

could it be worse? Why won't this matter in my future?

19:51

How could this turn out for my good? That

19:53

helps them give up the grip of

19:55

their rigidity and flexibility starts

19:58

to emerge. Mm-hmm. Yeah,

20:00

just flexible thinking there. All three of those things

20:03

are really promoting flexible thinking,

20:05

which can be tough, but

20:08

you know, it's a learned skill for Sam. It's

20:10

intuitive for Sam and I think it's a learned

20:12

skill for Sam. And

20:14

you know, to use my son as an example, again, when

20:16

he was in middle school, he was carpooling

20:18

with some other boys to a charter school.

20:21

And at that age, they tease each other to

20:24

show camaraderie. And

20:26

he couldn't pick up on that at the

20:28

time. And so he thought that they were

20:31

bullying him. They weren't his friends. You know,

20:33

he would come in from school just irate

20:35

and upset. And over

20:37

time, with a lot of these conversations,

20:39

just like you're talking about, he could

20:42

finally look

20:44

at it as something that

20:47

people do. And we

20:49

gave him the skills to determine what

20:51

the intent was. Were

20:53

they smiling or laughing when they were

20:55

calling you names? Did

20:57

they just talk to you like

20:59

normal afterwards? Or did they tell

21:02

you that they wish you would go away? Right? Like

21:05

just these things. And I think

21:07

he's a very concrete literal thinker.

21:10

And a lot of neurodivergent people are. That's

21:13

where that inflexibility comes from. And

21:15

so we can teach them how to

21:18

bend, though, in that thinking. I

21:20

mean, imagine like having a lexithymia. It sounds like

21:22

that's what it is. Like

21:24

the emotional blindness, the inability

21:26

to discern what

21:28

emotions are being displayed. I

21:30

worked with one young woman, beautiful, beautiful

21:33

young lady. She was 16 years

21:35

old. They flew from Detroit all the way to Florida to

21:37

work with me. And I really drilled her

21:39

with a bunch of tests. I had the feelings wheel.

21:41

Because I had a feeling she was on the spectrum.

21:44

But her parents were in denial. And

21:46

she wasn't aware of it. You know how that happens. And

21:48

so I asked her, how do you feel about your dad?

21:50

And I know she's best friends with her dad. Her dad

21:52

is like the coolest guy ever. I wish I was half

21:55

the man he was. He's the coolest guy ever. So

21:57

how do you feel about your dad? And she

21:59

looked at the feelings. wheel with the colors and everything

22:01

like that and she stared at 15 minutes. I gave

22:03

her the time 15 minutes and she finally said I

22:05

don't know. I said well let me help you. Is

22:08

it cold? Is it scared? Is

22:10

it fearful? And she thought I don't think

22:13

so no and I said is it warm?

22:15

Is it kind? Whatever. She could

22:17

not communicate how she felt about her dad. I

22:19

know she had a great relationship. I said my

22:21

dear this is not a diagnosis it's

22:23

just simply a trait of autism. 64% I think of

22:26

kids with autism have

22:28

alexithymia and you're walking

22:30

around life blind. You

22:33

are blind. You're emotionally blind. You're trying

22:35

to get around in the dark. I

22:38

just gave her a huge hug and I said

22:40

there's genius in you and that's what we got

22:42

to find and we got to put you

22:44

in an environment where you can thrive. Yeah. You

22:46

know but I feel for you so I

22:49

got to tell you I listen to your

22:51

podcast. I listen and I followed along

22:53

a little bit with your journey and

22:56

you are a good mother and you

22:58

are really trying to be the mother

23:00

that your son needs. The

23:03

parent is the therapist. The parent is

23:05

the speech therapist. The

23:07

parent is the physical therapist. The

23:09

parent is the one that is

23:11

perfectly positioned to train themselves to

23:14

be their child's advocate. I think the

23:16

dumbest thing a parent can do, ask

23:19

anyone with a disability like a blind

23:21

disability or a quadriplegia disability, they will

23:23

tell you with those kind of like

23:25

physical disabilities the dumbest thing parents can

23:28

do is solve all their

23:30

kids problems for them. Yep. You

23:32

know to always take them by the armed places or

23:34

my wife she's quadriplegic. You know there's some things that

23:36

she just she says let me try to do it

23:39

on my own. And we've

23:41

been married 23 years and she's

23:43

become quite independent but she really

23:45

is quadriplegic. All her limbs are

23:47

paralyzed you know so but she

23:49

still needs to learn how to get around

23:51

in the world even though she's got these

23:53

challenges or disabilities. So parents your

23:56

love must be tough And

23:59

you're not. Strengthening your child by

24:01

comedy, eating them and every single way. And

24:03

that's what I've seen. A New Penny You're

24:05

doing such a good example. Good job as

24:07

saying I'm in a increase the load on

24:10

my son because he's gonna have to learn.

24:12

How. To deal with these things and while it

24:14

breaks my heart. I. Know it's best for

24:16

him in the long run and he knows your is

24:19

advocate and I think that trust that's built. Helps

24:21

him take on a little bit more. Loads

24:23

of Bravo! Yes, yeah, that was hard. One

24:25

was Emma have to say of definitely a

24:27

helicopter parents starting at night assigned to protect

24:29

them from. Everything re that and I

24:32

had to really step back and

24:34

say are they gonna learn. How

24:36

are we gonna build that window

24:38

of tolerance? That resilience, margin? Is

24:41

we swoop in and protect every

24:43

time? We can't? Those two things

24:45

can't. Exist to gather gallons I

24:48

turn all the time about. It's ninety

24:50

percent of the parents or the educators.

24:52

That's the adult. the carrying adult with

24:54

the nerves of urgent head. It's.

24:57

Ninety percent of us understanding

24:59

and changing. Was going on.

25:01

From our perspective, we're not trying

25:03

to change. Our kids they are who

25:05

they are. They have the wiring that they

25:07

have. Were trying to help them navigate. A

25:10

world that wasn't built for them

25:12

and a way that feels like

25:14

success and Joyce for them. And

25:16

so you know we know that

25:19

building, not frustration dollars, that resilience

25:21

is super important. Six if you

25:23

are nerd diverse and trying to

25:25

navigate nerds fickle world raid and

25:28

I think. You know again, we

25:30

can broaden that see entire. Human.

25:32

Experience resilience is what helps

25:34

us navigate right that

25:36

challenges of life? Yes, Guys,

25:39

you question. I think this yeah, most boring question

25:41

of the podcast is not for me. it's my

25:44

courses. you. Forget there's a

25:46

difference between an activist. And

25:48

an advocate. And I've never

25:50

met a happy activists. Grows.

25:52

Of set. Bitch. And complain in. But.

25:55

I have met people who were advocates

25:57

that are like angels. A sincere, absolutely.

26:00

Inspirational. And. They're always for

26:02

they're not necessarily against but in there

26:04

for. Their. Inversely against if that makes

26:06

sense in there for something, which means

26:08

something else needs to change. So when

26:10

it comes to a parrot advocating for

26:12

their child. says. The School for

26:15

with whatever is necessary for accommodations. For.

26:17

It difficult kids on the bus or difficult

26:20

business school I'm a what would be your

26:22

advice for. A parent to be

26:24

an advocate. Without. Becoming

26:26

an activist and. Making.

26:28

The school and enemy. Is so

26:31

hard. That such

26:33

a high class. And because

26:35

the dynamics. See all like

26:37

it's an Us versus them situation.

26:39

So few walk into a room

26:42

to an Ip meeting. There's.

26:44

One parents, sometimes the kids depending

26:46

on their age. And

26:48

sometimes the second pair and. Are you

26:50

know another family member? And. Then

26:53

the rest of the table. As

26:55

people who are there from the

26:57

schools perspective advocating for what you

26:59

know, the teachers in the school

27:02

needs. Yeah. And we then

27:04

have to throw in. These

27:06

other complications like budgetary restraints

27:08

on the school. So from

27:10

my perspective as appearance my

27:13

kid has a legal raids

27:15

to have free appropriate public

27:17

education which means that needs

27:19

to be individualize, forces needs.

27:22

But. At the same time, the school only

27:24

has so many. Resources rate.

27:27

And the law says that doesn't matter,

27:29

but reality says it does matter rate

27:31

And so. There's all of those

27:33

kind of things that we really

27:36

have to navigate as appearance, That.

27:39

Just creates debt ceiling that

27:41

sense Boston. That. As one

27:43

side versus another side. When I

27:45

learned to do as always, come

27:48

into conversations saying this is what

27:50

works for us at home. Or

27:52

this is something that we've seen that spend

27:55

bonuses saw. What? do you

27:57

think do you think you could

27:59

implement bus classroom, do you think

28:01

you can make this change for

28:03

this kid? And

28:06

again, I'm going to come back to this so often, what

28:08

we're asking for for our special needs

28:10

kids is good for every student. You

28:12

know, I host a summit about school

28:14

struggles once a year. I've done that

28:16

for a few years now. And

28:19

every time when we have these expert

28:21

workshops, we're talking to parents and teachers.

28:24

And for teachers, we have to reiterate, like,

28:26

we're not asking you to do this

28:28

for one kid. Do this for the

28:30

whole class because what we're talking about

28:32

can be beneficial for the whole class.

28:34

Right. We're looking at behavior from that

28:36

humanistic approach and understanding the

28:38

why. And that goes for

28:41

when kids are having problems with

28:43

other kids socially to, you know,

28:45

feeling safe in the classroom psychologically,

28:47

emotionally and socially. Right.

28:49

And so it's tough.

28:51

It's a tough dynamic to navigate as

28:54

a parent. And I think it is

28:56

for educators, too, because they want

28:59

the best for kids. They wouldn't be

29:01

an educator if they didn't. Right. And

29:04

so I think there's just a lot of constraints

29:06

that we all have to sort of accept and

29:08

work on

29:11

and change as much as we can. But

29:13

it can be really tough to be

29:15

that advocate. Sometimes we feel like we're

29:17

not heard or we feel like

29:19

we don't have enough power. I

29:21

think that is so powerful. You got to share that

29:23

on your socials. You got to clip this one out

29:25

because it's very helpful. And I would

29:27

just like to add one thing. The

29:30

Native Americans were really masters

29:32

at conflict resolution. The

29:35

peace pipe comes to mind in a small circle

29:37

of restorative practice of where they would go around.

29:39

And when something happened in the village, the

29:42

chief would basically start

29:44

and finish the meeting with

29:46

the emphasis on responsibility. Here's

29:49

my responsibility. This is where I failed, where I

29:51

believe I need to improve what I think that

29:53

I can do. Here's my son's

29:55

responsibility, What? I think he needs to grow in

29:57

and What? I'm going to challenge him to grow

29:59

in. What? Could you

30:01

be responsible for to help? In other

30:04

words, everyone instead of shifting blame. They.

30:06

Take personal responsibility for.

30:09

Improving. The. The. Situation and

30:11

everyone's responsible in the Native American

30:13

communities. It is truly a village.

30:15

To. Village let you down. The Village

30:18

takes responsibility and we're not gonna leave

30:20

your until everyone has something. They.

30:22

Can contribute. Take. Responsibility

30:24

for improving the situation for

30:26

this kid. That. Were all gathered

30:28

here to talk about so I would you said

30:31

that as well. I love. That. For.

30:33

His fans really really insightful talk

30:35

to you. I have looked at

30:37

a lot of things. From.

30:39

A different perspective in this congress he said

30:42

when they that really stood out to me

30:44

as the idea if we're watching. A movie

30:46

like Mean Girls that we have control

30:48

because we have control over playing the

30:50

movie and the screen That a thaw

30:52

and I'd. Never never would have

30:54

thought of that myself. And

30:57

it's really empowering. And so

30:59

I'm so thankful for the perspectives that

31:01

is shared. Herons that may be a

31:03

lot of us haven't heard yet. Haven't

31:05

thought about. yeah, that's going to

31:07

change hearts and minds. Which is

31:09

what were were here trying to do? that?

31:12

We can help kids. I want

31:14

to encourage everyone listening to connect

31:16

with. Bricks his work. You can

31:18

go to parksis.com You can also go

31:21

to the show notes for this episode

31:23

to find links, thirties, work, or so.

31:25

Any other resources that we talked about.

31:28

And those can be found that parents he,

31:30

they, the it's see and autism. Dot

31:32

Com funds to. Five

31:34

nine per episode? Two Hundred and

31:36

Fifty Nine And think you can

31:39

breath for being here, for sharing

31:41

with us and also for the

31:43

work that you're. Doing. In the

31:45

world helping can show. Them

31:47

that resilience and have really a

31:49

better life and a better. Journey

31:52

as seemed themselves in the world.

31:54

I really appreciate. It Thank you

31:56

Penny I will see everybody next Same

31:59

take share. Encourage

32:01

you when you me on the

32:03

beautifully complex by cast. If you

32:05

enjoyed this episode please subscribe and

32:07

share. And don't forget to check

32:09

out my online courses and say

32:11

Coaching at Parenting A D H

32:14

D Advances in.com and as the

32:16

procedure resolution.