0:00

Do you have something you want to improve

0:02

about yourself? Maybe it's something petty or embarrassing.

0:04

That's where Personal Best comes in. Personal

0:07

Best from CBC Podcasts is a self-improvement

0:09

show for people who don't like self-improvement.

0:11

Vulture calls it a delightfully dorky romp

0:13

through a world of hidden wants and

0:16

quiet dreams. And Time Magazine

0:18

says it's one of the funniest podcasts to

0:20

hit our earbuds in years. Did they really

0:22

say that? That is really nice of them.

0:24

Find Personal Best on CBC Listen or wherever

0:26

you get your podcasts. This

0:30

is a CBC Podcast. This

0:34

is about protecting our values, our

0:37

sovereignty. Will he agree to

0:39

a televised carbon tax conference

0:41

in the social or self-conscious

0:43

issues? Because

0:48

News. Gavin Crawford. Why

0:54

hello everybody. I'm

0:56

Gavin Crawford. Welcome to Because News, Canada's

0:58

funniest news quiz. According

1:01

to Google, searches for the

1:03

phrase, why do my eyes

1:05

hurt spiked immediately following Monday's

1:08

eclipse. On

1:10

Tuesday, Google saw a spike in the phrases,

1:12

dumb, am I dumb, and how can I

1:14

tell if I'm dumb? Over

1:20

the next 30 minutes, we'll be making games out

1:22

of the news. Let's welcome this week's panel. She

1:24

is canceling her trip to Arizona

1:27

to travel somewhere slightly more feminist

1:29

like, I don't know, Gilead from

1:31

Baroness Funsketcho. Praise be, it's Aurora

1:34

Brown. Just

1:36

call me up Gavin. Just call me

1:38

up Gavin. And

1:40

done. He wrote

1:42

off a bunch of phony expenses so he'd have a

1:44

reason to talk to that one cute auditor. Don't

1:47

write him off yet. It's Chris Sandifer. Wow.

1:55

Great panel. Great panel. Finally, he is also

1:57

blowing the whistle on Boeing, but only because

2:00

as they forgot his inflight meal. You wouldn't

2:02

like him when he's hangry, it's John Blair.

2:05

I've known many in airplanes for that reason,

2:07

hello. All

2:11

right, panel, are you ready? As a rocket. Yeah,

2:14

absolutely. Then let's begin. Here

2:17

we go. Panel,

2:19

it is time now for some musical

2:22

theater. That's right, this clue comes to

2:24

you from the earwormy Disney hit Encanto.

2:26

And no, I'm not singing about Bruno.

2:29

Have a listen to this other Encanto song, if you

2:31

will, and be ready to

2:33

quiz. Under

2:37

the surface with every purchase there's

2:40

hidden fees and I don't see

2:42

the purpose under the surface. I'm

2:44

pretty sure it's worth listening to this as

2:46

your service is making me crack

2:48

a straw and the snack that breaks the

2:51

camel's back what breaks the camel's back? It's

2:53

what it's just good, good, good, and then

2:55

never drop, whoa. Prices

2:58

where you tip, tip, tip, tell your wallet

3:00

goes pop. Whoa,

3:03

every click I make unlocks extra

3:06

charges. Heading through the checkout and

3:08

the bill enlarges. I can't pay

3:10

for all this extra stuff. When

3:13

is it enough? Wow.

3:20

Wow. That's a very mean

3:22

drive. All right. All

3:25

right, panel, you heard the clue. Drip, drip,

3:27

drip pricing. For the first point in this

3:29

round, what is drip pricing? It sounds like

3:31

a P-tax that I'm paying. For like heeding

3:33

a little bit when I get scared or

3:35

in, you know, like a P,

3:37

is it a P-tax? It's not a drip. Drip

3:39

tax. John, do you know what drip pricing is?

3:41

I think drip pricing is just like additional stuff

3:43

that they add on your bill and they know

3:45

you're not gonna say anything because you're a drip.

3:48

Drip pricing is all of the hidden fees

3:51

that are added to the original quoted price.

3:53

When you buy something, usually online, also

3:55

known as junk fees. It's like a

3:57

$50 order comes to $170. It's

4:00

crazy. The processing fees? Yeah. There's

4:02

resort fees, we know anywhere now.

4:05

Yeah. Well, the Canadian Press headline

4:07

reads, Sick of extra fees online,

4:10

it's drip pricing. And Canadian shoppers

4:12

are fighting back. The

4:14

time has come, panel, how are

4:17

Canadians fighting back against drip pricing?

4:19

Umbrellas. It's

4:22

a bad name. I don't understand why it's called

4:24

that. It's like a little drip here, a little

4:26

drip, like small charges. Yeah, it's a bad example

4:28

for a little price. But how are

4:30

they fighting back against drip pricing? I think Canadians

4:32

are fighting back in that time-honoured tradition

4:35

of saying something in a

4:38

really awful tone to your

4:40

neighbour once a week, and

4:42

that's about it. Have

4:44

you seen these charges? They're outrageous. And then

4:46

coming back, I can't believe it, the time-honoured

4:49

reply to that. Will you pay them? Yes.

4:53

John, how are they fighting back? I'm

4:55

going to say it's some sort of

4:57

Boston Tea Party situation. They're

4:59

throwing their Uber Eats in the

5:02

river. They're just throwing tons of

5:04

Uber Eats deliveries in the river. It's full of them.

5:08

Good guess, but it is not the Boston Pizza Tea Party. It

5:11

is by filing lawsuits.

5:13

Oh, wow. Class action lawsuits

5:15

to get that money back.

5:18

One Canadian company is facing two class

5:21

action lawsuits that are allegedly using drip pricing to

5:23

make nearly $40 million in online

5:25

fees. What

5:27

company is being accused of making a fortune

5:29

from their hidden fees? Bulk Barn. You know,

5:31

when I go into Bulk Barn, I used

5:33

to be able to eat a little handful

5:36

of this there, grab a thing of that

5:38

there. Now, at best, they kick you out.

5:40

But now they're making me charged. They're adding

5:42

a surcharge. No, this doesn't happen to anyone

5:44

else. You used to

5:46

be able to eat and eat. A dip charge. A

5:48

little, oh, I'm going in. I'm raw dogging a peanut

5:51

butter there, but I pressed myself. I got this

5:53

cold. Yeah. The

5:56

correct answer is Cineplex. We

6:00

thought about this the other day. We went to a movie

6:02

and I was like, they used to just, you know, when

6:04

you got popcorn, they're like, do you want me to layer

6:06

that for you or like just have some butter? And that

6:08

was just there and that was part of it. And now

6:10

it's extra to get butter and it's extra to have them

6:12

layer it for you. Like everything is extra. Yeah, you need

6:14

a ticket to go in, see the movie. You need a

6:16

ticket to get out of the movie. Yeah. It's

6:19

crazy. It's nice. The main reason Cineblex is

6:21

in this lawsuit is because they have been

6:23

charging an additional $1.50 for

6:25

every ticket purchased online. Oh.

6:28

I'm sure that they're sending that to people in

6:30

need, Gavin. Yeah, doesn't that cost less to like

6:32

buy your ticket online because you don't need the

6:35

staff person? Yeah, you don't need the staff person.

6:37

You don't need to vote with a little paper.

6:39

It's saving paper. So is it cheaper to go

6:41

to like the droid and just use the little

6:43

droid at the place? The

6:45

droid? I call them droids. I

6:48

call them droids. You know the McDonald's one where

6:50

it's not a person. It's like, it's a droid.

6:52

It's a computer. I think, yes,

6:54

you're right. It is cheaper to use the droid. Droids.

6:58

Cineblex says movie govers are told about the

7:00

fees they may face from the start of

7:02

the purchase process. And they want this lawsuit

7:04

tossed. Online flower company

7:07

Bluemex has a case pending against

7:09

them for alleged drip pricing. What

7:12

extra fee has Bluemex been accused of

7:14

wrongfully charging customers? It's dastardly. There's like

7:16

a little thing that says, click here

7:18

to add a couple of dollars for

7:21

fresh flowers. Otherwise, they'll just

7:23

deliver dead flowers or seeds. It

7:27

is. Yes. Dastardly. A

7:29

bucket of seeds. Yes. That

7:32

is a good guess. What is Bluemex charging extra

7:34

for, John? Bugs. Your flowers show

7:36

up. There's bugs on them. You get the

7:38

bug fee. There's no bugs. You get the

7:40

bug removal fee. I

7:43

don't get a lot of flowers. I assume they're lousy with

7:45

bugs. It

7:48

is not bugs. Curses. They

7:50

say it's $1.99 surcharge to offset

7:52

rising costs. Oh.

7:56

Of the sun? I mean, Aurora, to

7:58

be fair, the sun did go away. They

8:01

showed us how easily they could take it away. It

8:17

is time for animal news. That's

8:20

right, according to the Globe and Mail, a

8:22

parrot named Merlin, who's been living at a

8:24

Halifax museum for 18 years, is

8:27

packing up his steamer trunk and heading

8:29

west. Why

8:31

is Merlin the macaw ditching

8:33

Nova Scotia for Ontario?

8:35

Oh, is he trying to get into the red-hot housing

8:38

market here? Good

8:40

guess no, John? I'm going to

8:42

say he got fired from something. Chris

8:45

Sanderberg. This is not a news story. This

8:47

happens with all birds. They spend summer in

8:49

Ontario, and it's spring now, so he's leaving

8:51

Halifax for the spring. Yeah, Ontario is

8:53

the Florida of Canada. And then at the end

8:56

of spring and summer, he's going to go back

8:58

to Halifax. He's not permanent. Yeah, because there's nothing

9:00

better for birds than a Halifax winter. I'll

9:03

tell you, one thing I know birds love is

9:05

a place where it snows up. Does

9:10

anyone know the real answer why he is leaving Halifax?

9:12

Why was he there on the first place? He

9:15

was the mascot of the museum. But

9:17

now he's leaving because, well, same

9:19

reason I did, he's depressed. That's

9:22

what I'm saying, he's flying west

9:24

for the winter. Wait, so he's

9:26

coming to Ontario to be less

9:28

depressed? Apparently. Apparently. Oh.

9:33

We'll take a quick break, both of you,

9:35

right back. We'll be right back without Chris

9:37

Sanderberg. The

9:40

CTV headline reads, depressed parrot from

9:42

Halifax moving to Ontario. Merlin

9:45

is a rainbow macaw, and he has been

9:47

the museum's mascot since 2006. Why

9:50

is Merlin so depressed? He is

9:52

a bird named after a wizard. He

9:54

made a whole career out of just

9:56

being a bird, a thing he was

9:58

doing anyway. And he's

10:00

a rainbow macaw, which is a beautiful kind of bird

10:03

whose name sounds like an awesome name for a gay

10:05

cowboy. I have no idea why this bird would be

10:07

sad. His life is fabulous. Chris,

10:10

why is Merlin depressed? I mean, if he's

10:12

anything like me, I think Halifax laid just

10:14

outside the path of totality. So, you know,

10:17

he's coming for the next one. 2044, baby. According

10:20

to the museum, Merlin has

10:22

been depressed since the COVID-19 pandemic, which

10:25

caused a lack of visitor interaction. Oh

10:27

my God. Yeah, that's really sad.

10:29

Yeah, he yells about the mask very irritating.

10:34

Yes, lack of visitor interaction. How

10:37

can you tell when a parrot is

10:39

depressed? Well, I think that he would

10:41

start like not texting you back. And

10:45

you're like, where is that Merlin? How's he doing? I

10:47

guess he's busy, but really he's just kind of

10:49

staring at his phone and just doom scrolling. Doom

10:51

scrolling a lot. A lot of doom scrolling

10:53

sign of parrot depression. John Hunt, he

10:55

tell that a parrot is depressed. He only

10:57

repeats things that he hears from like Morrissey.

11:02

Just Smith's lyrics and stuff like that. Everything I

11:04

repeat. Actually, I saw the documentary on parrots. They're

11:06

actually they're depressed and you can tell because of

11:09

the mood of the pirate whose shoulder they're on.

11:13

Like a mood ring? Yeah, the

11:16

pirate is the parrot's mood ring. Apparently

11:18

Merlin has been breaking his feathers off.

11:21

Oh my God. Yeah, and so he's

11:23

quite unhappy. Parrots are very social animals,

11:25

but there are no other macaws at

11:28

this museum in Halifax. Oddly.

11:31

So after consulting a veterinarian, it was decided

11:33

that Merlin must leave Halifax to join a

11:36

flock of fellow macaws at Safari Niagara

11:38

in Fort Erie. Have

11:41

a listen to the spokesperson for the Halifax

11:43

Maritime Museum of the Atlantic. They

11:45

have other macaws. They have a

11:47

large number of exotic birds in

11:49

their care. And they

11:51

even have a mate that they're hoping Merlin will

11:54

enjoy the company of. Oh,

11:58

a mail order Merlin. He'll

12:02

enjoy the company of, alright say no more. But

12:04

you know, it's not specified. It could be like the

12:06

Australian mate. Like, hey mate, he's got a mate, he'll

12:08

enjoy the company of. Yeah, just like a buddy. Yeah,

12:11

a little drinking buddy. A little bird drinking buddy for

12:13

him, yeah. Hanging around a little bro time. That's

12:15

true, but I don't know. Something like that he'll

12:17

enjoy the company of. Sounds a bit dated, sounds a

12:19

little bit. Yeah, she did. They're

12:21

gonna Netflix and bill. It'll be... Did

12:24

this other bird consent to this? Have they had

12:26

a chat? Was she enthusiastic? Did we even

12:29

know the sexual preference of Merlin?

12:31

Yeah, he's a rainbow macaw. He's

12:33

a rainbow macaw. You

12:36

know? I

12:39

mean, hopefully Merlin will do well with whatever

12:41

he chooses to do well with. According

12:44

to press reports, Merlin laughs on

12:46

a regular basis. Oh cool. And

12:48

is quite talkative, often saying his

12:50

two favorite phrases. What

12:52

are Merlin's two favorite phrases? I

12:54

mean, is it like a live, laugh, love kind of situation?

12:58

Depressed birds, two favorite phrases. No, I'm

13:01

fine, really. And

13:05

that's going. And then

13:07

sometimes, how are you? Yeah, you

13:10

know what a quick subject is?

13:12

Pretty sneaky, Merlin. His

13:15

actual two favorite phrases, cracker and

13:18

peekaboo. How

13:20

do you work either of those two phrases into

13:23

a pickup line? Oh wow. Like

13:25

help Merlin out here. He can only say

13:27

those two things. That's his main

13:29

vocabulary and he's got to try to pick up this

13:31

mate. I mean, it's really all

13:33

in the tone, like peekaboo. You know,

13:35

anything can be a pickup line if you put a little

13:38

something on it. Girl, you

13:40

look like you'd be a peekaboo. Whoa!

13:43

How dare you! What

13:46

a role to get me. I quite like that. I

13:48

quite like that. Chris,

13:50

OK. Damn,

13:53

is it the Fourth of July? Because you won

13:55

firecracker. Oh,

13:57

right. Of

14:03

course Merlin isn't the only one who has found

14:05

the dating world so tough they had to pick

14:07

up and move. Apparently it's

14:09

getting increasingly difficult for humans to

14:11

find their soulmate. Frustrated singles are

14:13

apparently turning back to an old

14:16

school method for meeting the one.

14:19

What old school dating trend is making

14:21

a comeback? Bridge? The

14:25

bridge club at school? Say

14:28

I need a potter for bridge on Friday. You

14:31

freeze? I'll lead your trump. Chris

14:35

Sandiford, what old school dating technique is making

14:38

a comeback? I did read an article about

14:40

this. People are standing outside with boom boxes

14:42

at their lovers' houses. Oh that's the John

14:44

Woo. And just playing whatever song. The

14:46

old John Cusack classic. The

14:50

Washington Post headline reads, dating apps have

14:52

gotten so bad that speed dating is

14:54

in again. Oh my god. Speed dating.

14:56

Actually that's sick. I love that. Speed

14:59

dating, a trend from the early 2000s, sees singles

15:01

going on several ten minute dates throughout the

15:03

course of an evening and then at the end seeing who they

15:05

match with. Honestly it sounds better

15:07

than scrolling past picture after picture of men holding

15:09

fish. According

15:13

to the article, why are people moving

15:15

away from dating apps? Well

15:17

I mean anybody online these days, like after

15:20

a few sentences it gets into selling you

15:22

bitcoin. The

15:24

correct answer, a lot of people are

15:26

moving away from dating apps because of

15:28

the presence of scammers, fake profiles, and

15:31

plain old harassment. There

15:34

aren't a thousand Nigerian princes ready to

15:36

take me out, huh? According

15:38

to a cyber security company, four out of

15:40

ten users have encountered a scam while using

15:42

a dating app. In

15:44

February, a class action lawsuit was

15:47

brought against Match Group, the owners

15:49

of match.com, Tinder, and Hinge. Why

15:52

are people suing Match Group? Are

15:55

they being sued for intellectual property

15:57

theft by the original Match Group, Matchbox 20?

16:03

They are not. The lawsuit claims

16:05

the company designs their products to

16:08

be addictive and incentivizes paying extra

16:10

for better matches. A

16:13

match group called Lawsuit Ridiculous said its products

16:15

are designed to get people on real life

16:17

dates. I mean humans have

16:19

never paid for the opposite sex to spend time

16:21

with them? What are they talking

16:24

about? What is the slogan for

16:26

hinge? Close the

16:28

door on your search. Because you know a hinge is that part

16:30

of the door? I do know what a hinge is. Okay, so

16:32

I'm done. I

16:37

closed the door on your search, it was not bad. And I

16:39

got a new one actually because I just found a rhyme. It's

16:41

an English word. Don't winch, use

16:43

hinge. Oh, that is a good one. You're winching.

16:46

The slogan for hinge, the

16:48

dating app designed to be deleted. Oh,

16:51

I think it's supposed to find your match and

16:53

then you delete the app. And then of course

16:55

they also make it super addictive. Right. Binge

16:58

rhymes with hinge. It's like you

17:00

need to binge get on hinge.

17:02

Binge your hinge. There you go.

17:05

Let's stay on this. I've been enjoying this

17:07

lesson in rhyming. Oh

17:09

yeah. This

17:14

is because news, we've got Aurora Brown, John

17:16

Blair and Chris Sandeford. If your eyes are

17:18

getting jealous of your ears, you can watch

17:20

videos of our round on

17:22

TikTok and Instagram. Oh

17:26

yeah. Hi,

17:33

I'm Jessie Cruickshank. Jessie

17:35

Cruickshank. I

17:39

host the number one comedy podcast called Phone

17:41

a Friend. Girls,

17:43

let's phone a friend. But not only

17:45

do I break down the biggest stories in

17:47

pop culture with guests like Dan Levy and

17:49

members of NSYNC, I do it with my

17:52

own personal boy band singing jingles throughout because

17:54

it's my show. It's your show, girl.

17:56

New episodes of Phone a Friend. Yeah.

17:59

Shop Thursdays where every- you get

18:01

your podcast. Okay that's

18:03

enough. Panel

18:05

it is time to play Connect Four. This

18:07

is where I list four things you try

18:10

to tell me what they all have in

18:12

common. Today for fun I'm giving you a

18:14

musical Connect Four. I want you to listen

18:16

to these four songs and see if you

18:19

can figure out what unites them all. Here

18:21

are your four clips. I

18:25

was gonna say they

18:29

all sound like good times

18:32

and then that

18:34

last one hit. Take

18:36

the turn

18:51

at the end. Any idea what unites

18:53

those four songs? They all deal with

18:55

highly controversial topics, birth

18:57

control, lynching, aerobics,

19:00

and relaxing. Aerobics,

19:04

real divisive. You were very close

19:06

to the correct answer. Oh they've

19:08

been they've been burned. They've been

19:10

thrown into a pile and burned

19:12

by some really angry moms for

19:15

liberty. You're close. They've

19:17

all been banned. All of

19:19

those songs were banned for their

19:21

controversial subject matter. This week music

19:24

bands were making international headlines. Panel

19:26

because Chechnya's minister of culture banned

19:29

a surprising type of music. For

19:31

the point what kind of music

19:33

is no longer allowed in the

19:35

Russian republic of Chechnya? Banjo? It

19:40

is not banjo. Is it like

19:42

jazz because he just doesn't understand it? Good

19:44

guess. John any ideas? Just the

19:46

national anthems of other countries. We're

19:48

the only one who's ever had

19:50

one. It is actually two types

19:52

of music that have been banned.

19:55

The ctv headline reads Chechnya bans

19:57

all music deemed too fast or

19:59

too slow. Is

20:04

it too hot or too cold? Can

20:06

we only have porridge and chashnya? Apparently.

20:09

How does chashnya judge if a song

20:11

is too fast? I feel like a

20:13

good test is always if you can

20:15

dance to it like any Peanuts character

20:17

that is not Snoopy, it's fine. But

20:19

if you can only dance to it

20:21

like Snoopy, it's too fast. Yeah.

20:23

It dances very frenetically. According to

20:25

the Russian state-owned news agency

20:28

TAS, all compositions faster than

20:30

116 beats per

20:32

minute or slower than 80 are

20:35

no longer welcomed in chashnya.

20:37

So faster than Allegro, slower

20:39

than Madorato, and... Oh,

20:42

sorry guys. That's a classical education. Just to

20:44

give you a sense, in case you're not

20:46

good at counting the BPMs, this song sits

20:48

right in the middle of that range at

20:51

97 beats per minute. It's

20:55

me, I, on the

20:57

phone with me. Is

20:59

Taylor Swift working with the Chechen government? I don't know,

21:01

but they have been banned, that's for sure. Wow. So

21:04

that's 97 beats per minute. The Chechen Ministry of

21:06

Culture announced the ban on its website last week.

21:10

What does the Chechen leadership have against

21:12

very fast and very slow music? I

21:14

guess I can understand banning the fast

21:16

music because, you know, like you don't want a

21:18

Kevin Bacon situation where all your kids are

21:20

being led to the devil, but the slow

21:22

stuff. It's like, what's so bad? You

21:24

can throw down to the slow stuff. I guess so. You

21:27

can throw down. You can throw down. Yeah, you

21:29

don't want the slow, like if it's too fast, gay.

21:33

And if it's

21:35

too slow, sexy. Sexy. You

21:38

kind of want to fall right in that

21:41

Taylor Swift zone. Gay. And

21:46

if it's too slow, sexy. Sexy.

21:49

You kind of want to fall right in that Taylor

21:52

Swift zone. Yeah. Yeah.

21:55

According to the Ministry of Culture, the ban

21:58

ensures that music in Chechnya can forms

22:00

to quote the Chechen mentality and

22:02

musical rhythm. It's

22:05

unclear how the law will be enforced. The

22:07

band effectively silences most modern musical styles. Many

22:09

people see this as a further step in

22:12

Checheny's crackdown on the queer

22:14

community. The Chechen president is a hardliner

22:16

who once said, we don't have any

22:18

gays. If there are any, take them

22:20

to Canada. And

22:24

are they jailing any of these

22:26

band bands? We don't know. But

22:28

ironically, one song that is universally

22:30

loved by Russians will now

22:33

be banned under this new law. What

22:35

popular Russian song is now banned? Must

22:37

be Rasputin by Russian.

22:40

A popular song loved by Russian

22:42

will now be banned. Tetris Music

22:45

B. It is neither

22:47

Rasputin nor Tetris Music

22:55

B. It is this. Rasputin

22:58

by Russia. Wow.

23:02

The own national anthem? Oh

23:04

my God, a little bit from the anthem

23:06

for Red October. Yes. The Russian national anthem

23:09

does not fall into that category. It is

23:11

76 beats per

23:13

minute, so too slow. Wow. Too slow for

23:15

Tetris. So no more jen it on to

23:17

the rest of the show. Take

23:20

your extra beats and go

23:22

home. You're no song of

23:25

mine. You're no song of

23:27

mine. I no longer recognize

23:29

you as my song. I

23:31

have no song. Remember

23:33

when Elson John said you can tell everybody

23:35

this is your song? You can't anymore.

23:40

I no longer welcome you.

23:44

You're kidding. It's

23:46

hard to know what this band

23:48

will actually accomplish as plenty of

23:50

western music still falls into the

23:52

80 to 116 beats per minute

23:54

category. So with that in mind

23:56

panel, let's now play a game

23:58

I call Gulag Goldilocks. I'm

24:01

going to play you a clip from a song. All

24:03

you have to do is tell me whether it is

24:05

too slow, too fast, or

24:08

just right for

24:10

the Chechen mentality. Or,

24:14

R. Brown, we're starting with you.

24:16

Okay? That

24:22

felt just right to me. You

24:25

are correct. That song can still be

24:27

played in Checheny. Yeah,

24:30

that song is 110 beats per minute. Not

24:35

gay at all, though. That one. If

24:37

they played in Checheny, they add a part where

24:40

it's like, I'm coming out against homosexuality. I

24:43

want the world to know I'm against this. Chris

24:48

Sandiford, how about this classic from

24:50

Russian hitmaker Peter Tchaikovsky? Let's hit

24:53

it. I

25:01

think that is too fast. That

25:03

is, in fact, too slow. Oh, shoot!

25:05

72 beats per minute. Okay,

25:08

wow. That's one of those

25:10

ones where, you know, when you go to see

25:12

the symphony... And the conductor is doing something totally

25:15

unrelated to how it sounds. Because I feel like

25:17

we were all like... John

25:22

Blair comes to you now. What about

25:24

this staple of modern-day North American culture?

25:35

I'm just thinking back to that Taylor Swift song, because that's what I

25:38

know is okay. That's

25:40

Chechen mentality, baby. That one's just right. You

25:43

are correct. That is just right. Kneaking

25:45

in just under the wire at 115 beats

25:47

per minute. It

25:51

is one beat from

25:53

being banned. Baby

25:57

Shark, just knock in there. Finally,

25:59

the... This last one is open to all

26:01

of you. Have a listen to this classic

26:04

that transcends all borders and religious faiths. I

26:07

think that's also

26:09

too fast. I

26:18

think it's too feminist and too gay and they'll just find a way to

26:20

ban it. I'm gonna say

26:22

that's alright. You

26:25

would be correct. That in fact is 98 beats

26:28

per minute so that song is just

26:30

right and Cheshia doesn't need to worry

26:32

because that song has never ever turned

26:34

anyone gay. Because news

26:36

with Gavin Crawford. Finally

26:49

it is time for a Because News fake

26:51

ad. Have a listen

26:53

to this phony commercial and see if you

26:56

can guess the very real news story that

26:58

was making headlines this week. Hey,

27:02

are you pregnant and worried that

27:04

when it comes to the paternity

27:06

of your baby DNA stands for

27:09

don't know actually. Would you

27:11

like to find out who your baby's father is from

27:13

the comfort of your own home? If

27:15

so, send your blood and spit

27:17

to dna.com. That's d-n-e-h.com.

27:23

The name sounds scientific so we don't have

27:25

to be. If I decide to lie

27:27

that dna.com. Well

27:30

your guess is as good as

27:32

ours. Alright

27:38

panel, there's your fake ad. Can you tell me

27:40

what breaking news story was giving new meaning to

27:43

saying who's your daddy this week? It

27:45

sounds like some guy from New Jersey is

27:47

now the czar of DNA tests and paternity

27:49

tests everywhere. That New Jersey. John.

27:53

Just get like a whole

27:56

lot of dads fighting out.

27:58

They're not dads. vice versa

28:00

a lot of dad whoopsies. The

28:02

headline from CBC News reads, Canadian DNA Lab

28:04

knew its paternity test identified

28:06

the wrong dads but

28:09

kept selling them. A

28:12

CBC News investigation found that a Canadian DNA

28:14

lab called Viagard Acumetrics

28:17

knowingly delivered prenatal paternity test

28:19

results that routinely identified the

28:22

wrong biological fathers. The

28:24

company sold and processed prenatal paternity tests

28:26

for about a decade. Costing

28:30

between $800 and $1,000 a misidentified pop. And

28:35

for 10 years? Like

28:37

how many lives have been destroyed? Sorry

28:39

to get all serious, but like, there's gotta be some

28:41

people going, oh I need to call someone, you know,

28:43

and apologize. And Aurora, let me just say, you and

28:46

I are both learning the news from the show. We

28:50

will talk when the taping is over. Who

28:53

wants the Swiss seats? Well,

28:58

when he was asked how accurate these prenatal

29:00

paternity tests are in a hidden camera conversation,

29:02

what did the owner of the company say?

29:05

Like, I mean, is an A a good mark?

29:08

Is 80 out of 100 a good mark

29:10

at school? Yeah, you know, like, we're like an

29:12

A B B plus kind of thing. Oh,

29:16

well they're accurate in that the babies

29:18

have dads. He said in the hidden

29:20

camera interview, prenatal

29:26

paternity testing was, quote, never

29:30

that accurate. According

29:33

to experts, these types of tests are indeed very

29:35

accurate when done correctly. How

29:38

do labs correctly determine prenatal paternity?

29:41

I mean, with, you know, like years of study and

29:44

DNA and the little test tubes that spin around, and

29:46

then somebody looks in and says yes, and

29:48

like they have all the little spirally bits

29:50

that line up or don't. And then the

29:52

CSI, you know, the CSI

29:54

theme plays, and you go,

29:56

yes, and then they take

29:58

a blood sample. from the mother

30:00

and a DNA sample from the father and

30:03

matched thousands of data points to determine the

30:05

paternity. When later approached by

30:07

a CBC reporter, the owner said, quote, the

30:09

tests were never flawed. The tests

30:12

are perfect. The tests are accurate. Then

30:15

he blamed the dubious results on something else.

30:17

What did he blame the false results on?

30:20

People didn't put it too far enough in their nose. Remember

30:23

how we all had to do that? You have to do that. You

30:25

have to touch your brain with it. I

30:28

mean, you're correct for the point. He did blame it on

30:30

user error. Owner Harvey

30:32

Tenenbaum suggested customers were responsible for mistakes

30:34

in their results because of the way

30:36

they gathered the samples and

30:38

sent them in the mail. This really does sound

30:41

like at the end of like the Miss Cleo ads,

30:43

where it's like for entertainment purposes only. Paternity

30:46

test for entertainment purposes only. Like

30:49

one of those, it should have on the cover like

30:52

one of those fun 50s for the whole family. Like

30:55

at least the results not guaranteed yet

30:57

or something. Because it's so fun to

31:00

have blood drawn. Some

31:02

former employees of Viagard have a different

31:04

idea of where the tests went wrong.

31:07

What method does one employee

31:09

allege the company used to

31:11

determine paternity results? If

31:13

it's like a math test they issued to both

31:15

the kid and the dad. Like

31:19

the skill testing question. And if

31:21

they got the same score they'd be like, oh

31:24

you guys are obviously related. You're both equally

31:26

dumb. Uh,

31:29

Aurora. A vigorous game of rock paper

31:31

scissors. Vigorous. I

31:34

mean, you're not that far off. One ex-employee

31:37

says she was coached to ask women

31:39

about their menstrual cycles and the dates

31:41

they had sex with various men and

31:43

that information was put into an ovulation

31:45

calendar and then they did their best

31:47

guess. Then they

31:49

got an eye of mute and

31:51

the bladder of a goat said

31:54

three-pater nostrils and you know. You

31:57

may be wondering how this was allowed to happen.

32:00

Can you tell me for a point

32:02

who regulates DNA testing? Doug

32:04

Ford? A

32:07

buck a baby! It's

32:12

not Doug Ford. Chris, this

32:14

is the CRTC. Gotta

32:18

be a certain amount of Canadians. The

32:22

baby stands for says Canadian. Fine. The

32:25

correct answer, who regulates it? No one.

32:28

Oh, yeah. Okay. Unregulated industry.

32:32

Health Canada says it does not regulate

32:34

commercial DNA labs like Viagra. Like God

32:36

in heaven. Does this surprise you?

32:38

No. I

32:41

mean, if it meant, you know, like

32:43

a woman choosing her life or not,

32:45

they'd probably regulate it, I feel like.

32:47

But if it's like holding

32:49

the dead, you know, like, just let

32:51

it, let the spaghetti hit the wall. The

32:55

false test results have led to tragedies and complications

32:57

from many people. Take this case in point. After

33:00

Viagra delivered their test results, an

33:02

Atlanta man tattooed his

33:04

son's name, Travis, on

33:06

his arm. Only to find out

33:08

eight months later, those results were wrong and

33:11

he was not the father of Travis. Prompting

33:14

the man to change the tattoo. What

33:17

did he change the tattoo to? You

33:19

could just add a few letters and

33:21

write, just ravishing on your

33:23

arm, you know, with a little, and put a

33:26

little self-portrait above it with a little like, heeee,

33:28

you know. He

33:30

did not change it to just ravishing. Any

33:32

idea what he changed the tattoo Travis to?

33:35

Oh, Travis Kelsey? Yes,

33:37

Taylor Love. The tattoo that formerly

33:40

read Travis now reads Travis-y. While

33:44

Viagra no longer sells prenatal

33:46

paternity tests, they do continue

33:48

to operate online. Shocking. What services

33:50

do they still offer? A dating

33:52

app. Would

33:56

you like to be a father? Yeah. Chris?

34:00

You know if you know you have a dog and you

34:02

don't know what kind of dog it is Well at least

34:04

narrow it down to eight. Yeah, you are correct They're

34:09

still an operation offering postnatal DNA

34:11

tests DNA bird

34:13

sexing Wow, okay animal and

34:16

dog DNA breed Okay,

34:19

this company does bird sexing. We got a little Merlin though

34:21

about that And

34:26

that brings us to the end of another

34:28

exciting because news this week's champion is

34:31

John Blair I'm

34:40

Gavin Gower for the first time ever

34:42

the women's college basketball final pulls in

34:44

more TV viewers than the men's final

34:47

Finally proving what I believe for

34:49

years men have no place

34:51

in sports. We'll see you next

34:53

time why Hey

35:17

Canada, this is John Blair winner of

35:19

because news congratulations to my runners-up Aurora

35:21

Brown and Chris Sanderford because news is

35:24

written and produced by Shannon Higgins David

35:26

Carroll Gavin Crawford Phil lung and Jess

35:28

Klimowski this week they had help from

35:30

Jan Karuana and Jacob Duarte rounding up

35:33

the team Aaron Conway Bronwyn Page Errol

35:35

Gonsalves and our recording engineer Paul Hodge

35:46

You