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Dr. Alex Golden: You're listening to the becoming zesty

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1:40

Hello, everybody, Alex here with you. Welcome to becoming zesty.

1:45

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. Today I'm going

1:48

to be talking about an alternative for the word but

1:53

beauty. Right. So this is something that we talk about

1:58

frequently when it comes to languaging is wording

2:02

alternatives. Now, we don't nitpick language, just because

2:06

we think is fun, right? We don't nitpick language, just because

2:10

we think, you know, accuracy is important for its own sake.

2:18

Because people understand language differently. They

2:22

interpret words differently. There's a lot of individual hard

2:26

wiring when it comes to how we have interacted with concepts.

2:30

And therefore, what our brain has meant them to mean. And

2:36

that, you know, evidence that has happened in the history that

2:39

we have with that all of that goes into play. So when it comes

2:42

to wording, right, there's just like semantics, and being

2:47

nitpicky. And really when it comes to us over here, zesty,

2:52

that is never our point. Communication is important for

2:57

the effect that it has on relationships, discussions,

3:03

points being made, you know, aha was all that. And that is the

3:09

goal, right? So however that is accomplished is really a result,

3:12

results oriented. intentionality, then isn't we

3:17

can mean well with our words and stillness, speak and cause

3:21

issues. And that's essentially the awareness that we're wanting

3:25

to help facilitate out in the world. Like, how can we

3:29

communicate in a way that we persuade people to move to

3:36

compel people to see things a certain way, right, this isn't

3:39

forced, this isn't making somebody do anything. This isn't

3:43

being manipulative. None of that is at play is really to say,

3:47

when I speak, I'm not just trying to run my mouth. When I

3:50

speak, it's because a result an effect is being had, right I'm

3:55

causing, I'm starting a ripple effect by plunking down a stone

4:00

in the lake. And now that's going to ripple the effect that

4:04

that ripple has is dependent on the quality of the stone that I

4:08

threw, right. And so that stone verbally is the words that I

4:12

chose when I was communicating and what message that I send,

4:16

right so when there's when we bring up things like removing

4:21

the word, but from phrases and it's it's a topic we've touched

4:25

on, on the podcast we talked about on social media, and and

4:29

inevitably we get people saying, you know, words, don't who

4:34

cares, right? People get the message. Well, they get a

4:38

message. But are they getting the message you intended? Is our

4:44

question to them? Because you can you can say anything, but

4:48

did it land? Did it have the effect you wanted? It was again

4:52

and create the result you're looking for? Or is it not?

4:55

Because I think all of us know we put our foot in her mouth at

4:58

some point or another If you haven't, kudos to you, but they

5:04

couldn't be me. But the Yeah, that's where, you know, most of

5:09

us are not going for that effect. And so that's, that's

5:12

really the point. And also, you know, some people are like,

5:15

well, but but is a normal thing to say? Sure. It's a common

5:20

thing to say it might be normalized out in the world. And

5:24

what effect is it having? Right? I could say, but what effect is

5:27

it having and that would hit different, right. And so because

5:31

we've talked about it, this is not a podcast on the word. But

5:35

But and rather than an alternative to it. I also want

5:42

to point out that there are times where we intentionally use

5:44

the word but in sentences. And there's nothing wrong with that,

5:48

right? It's not the exclusion of words or anything like that it

5:52

is simply having more leverage more intentionality, more

5:58

purposefulness to what we're saying. It takes a little bit

6:03

more energy to do it that way. And the effect then is greater

6:08

most of the time, as long as there's a benefit, as long as

6:11

there's a pail, people's brains will say, Okay, that was worth

6:14

it. Now, if there's not, then there's issues, but of course,

6:18

that's where we want to be as intentional as possible so that

6:22

we're not coming across those situations very often in life.

6:26

So what's this alternative? This one I really, really like. And I

6:30

actually learned it from a parenting book, this is what to

6:35

say what, so kids will listen and how to listen, how to talk,

6:39

so kids will listen and how to listen. So kids will talk. And

6:44

the alternative for but really, I understand that you want this

6:50

snack, but we're going to have dinner. That one was replaced in

6:56

that book, this was a suggestion that I began to implement in my

7:00

own world. It was instead of but replacing that with the problem

7:07

is, so it will go with my example of go like this. I know

7:13

you want the snack really bad. The problem is we're going to

7:16

have dinner soon. So now it's not it's not done, or whatever.

7:20

And the ending of that is. And I have been, I've continued to be

7:28

pleasantly surprised at both the effect on kids from a parenting

7:33

perspective. And on other adults, partners, friends,

7:39

family members, because as I get into the habit of wording things

7:44

a certain way, it just tends to pop out. I don't necessarily

7:49

have to try to speak that way. In other contexts. It just

7:53

happened. And because of that, that's where I didn't

7:58

necessarily expect or look for a result in the other people. I

8:02

was applying it in my mind. It was like I'm, this is a

8:06

parenting thing. I am. This is the area of life that I'm

8:11

focusing this on. And so my association with it was that it

8:16

ends so I was not necessarily looking for or having the

8:21

expectation to see that it would also work with adults. I mean, I

8:24

guess I did not think that, but I just never really focused my

8:29

attention there. It was just like this isn't, that's not

8:31

really what I'm using it for. And what I've found over time,

8:36

is that as I began accidentally coming present, I noticed that

8:42

it worked just as well as with the kids, which again, was not

8:46

surprising to me. I wish I had thought that right away, but I

8:50

didn't. And yeah, the effect was that it the way that people

8:58

would respond, kids or adults would be from a place of feeling

9:04

seen and heard more. And I realized it made a lot of sense

9:09

to say, you know, I am acknowledging something that's

9:14

happening in your world. But there's this other more

9:18

important or more relevant or more timely or whatever thing

9:23

happening. That structure all in one sentence combined with but

9:30

seem to always land as a negation of the first part of

9:34

the sentence. And that's what people talk about. It always

9:37

does come across that way. So like I love you, but could you

9:40

please stop doing that? I mean, how how many of us really hear

9:45

and focus on and are soothed by that first I love you but Right.

9:52

Or even if someone says I love you, but and then they try

9:54

alive. What is your brain doing? It's going to be like but what

9:58

were you gonna say? All right, no one ever wants to let that

10:02

go. And the more anxious see, we are the obviously, like, back in

10:07

the day when I had a more anxious attachment style, I was

10:10

just like that would have driven me crazy. I would have wanted to

10:13

like, be like, no, really let me like hunt you down and and have

10:17

a conversation and try to figure it out and hear you out and

10:20

whatever, right. And so that is that if it whether someone

10:25

actually responds that way or not, or if they would just have

10:27

one or two, or if it's just as an open loop in their mind, like

10:31

but but but but but Right. And instead the when you end the

10:36

sentence as the acknowledgement of someone's world, and then

10:41

that sentence ends with a period, there's a certain

10:45

finality of that acknowledgement, right to say, I

10:49

know you really want that snack right now. I know that that

10:53

sounds really good to you right now. Or whatever the situation

10:58

is, to actually state it as here's what's happening. You are

11:04

seeing I hear you, I see you, I can understand that. That is

11:09

what you're going after that this seems like a 10 out of 10

11:12

for you on an emotional charge level period.

11:17

That has a certain ripple effect on another person. And

11:22

oftentimes, you can see that in their facial expressions as I

11:26

begin to unconsciously utilize this with other people, I just

11:31

noticed that they're their face, their body language, like the

11:34

stuff that we teach in our level one certification, their iPads

11:38

or movements, facial changes, even like flushing and blood

11:43

flow changes, body language, tone, they're all that stuff if

11:50

you are trained, especially to look for it, but most of us

11:54

unconsciously sort of pick up a certain amount anyways, as we

11:58

read people, that is I began to see the fact that someone could

12:03

really see that I understood that first part. And then bridge

12:08

with the problem is that statement helps to bring

12:13

everybody's attention in that conversation that intention is

12:16

focused on there is an external problem, right? That problem

12:21

does not lie in the first sentence where your world exists

12:25

as it is, or your experience of the world. And then it's it's

12:29

also not necessarily saying my problem is, right. And so

12:35

neither person necessarily with that wording is blamed for the

12:41

problem. And oftentimes, isn't it so true that in life, it's

12:44

not necessarily a someone decided problem or someone

12:48

create a problem? Like, if it's dinnertime? It's just usually

12:52

dinner time that time a day, like it's not like you just up

12:55

and decided to have dinner at three or something you just

12:58

that's when you normally eat the problem is that where it's

13:00

dinnertime, right? It's a neutral condition. And so often

13:04

it is even as neutral condition. Today, I feel really tired. And

13:08

that's making me crabby, right? Yes, that's a problem. And that

13:13

could be my home. But am I expected to never feel that way?

13:17

Maybe not. Right? I in our house? No, you're not expected

13:22

to always be on. So even if it's technically my problem. The

13:31

people around me who love me can also look at it neutrally with

13:35

me, the problem is that this is how what's going on today. So

13:39

we're gonna do this. And this instead is just not really in

13:44

that structure. The wording, it's more than just semantics is

13:48

actually clearly expressing that we have a shared issue here that

13:54

is impacting others, desires, needs, values, whatever, right?

14:00

And together, we can go work on that problem. So whenever I

14:06

have, especially as I was sharing that unconsciously, I

14:09

was just notice people's body language and tone and things

14:13

changed so much that then I started paying attention. I

14:17

mean, I think to me, if I expect an improvement to be had, I will

14:22

often look longer and look for more number of times to get to

14:26

feel like okay, I'm not necessarily looking at it from a

14:29

bias stay because I know how the brain works and we're all

14:33

looking for the to fix we expect right to pick up so the that is

14:41

a little bit different to me now in this case, that wasn't what

14:44

was on my mind. And so as I began to note it, that's where I

14:48

began to intentionally utilize it and look and look for it as

14:52

well as just from a higher level perspective. And it was true. I

14:58

mean, it just really has played out over time that every time

15:02

that I've utilized that, I am pleasantly surprised at how

15:08

smoothly the follow up the remainder of the conversation

15:12

has gone. Even if someone is really upset about a certain

15:15

expectation they had or, or just feeling a type of way or

15:19

whatever, desiring something that can't happen at the moment

15:22

to say, I know that that is what you want. The problem is and to

15:27

explain it and come together on it from my connected plays, so

15:31

far, has always been a positive thing has always come to the

15:38

forefront as something where I look back on it, and I was like,

15:42

wow, that I was I was nervous about that conversation. And,

15:47

and what is cool is kind of having those repetitive

15:51

experiences it has allowed me to see words really do matter. It

15:56

really does matter how and what you express ideas. By and

16:05

through and with, you know, that that it's not just a would be

16:11

nice kind of thing, right? Where our tongues are relatively sharp

16:17

blades, and especially at times where we are emotionally

16:20

charged. So if we can practice these wording differences, when

16:27

we are in our more resourceful are more calm or more peaceful

16:32

states, I have found that it is a worthwhile endeavor, because

16:38

the amount of time you get to shave off on conflict, repairing

16:45

the conflict, feeling a type of way about the conflict

16:48

journaling about the conflict having to go to therapy for

16:51

like, you know, all the things. What if we could learn to

16:57

utilize our language in a more persuasive way in a more

17:01

compelling way in a way that gets the message across while

17:06

honoring both sides of the equation? Well, saying my

17:10

experience doesn't have to shortchange yours. And yours

17:13

doesn't have to shortchange mine. But what we can do is see

17:17

each other's point of view and come together on that. Hey,

17:20

that's cool, right? That's a really, really beautiful place

17:24

to be in any partnership. And think of that multiplied you

17:29

with your people. And then your people with all their people,

17:33

and all their people with their people. The ripple effect is

17:37

huge. It might just seem like Retama one wording change here.

17:43

But what we're talking about is a really, really, really big

17:46

deal. So let's go out there. Let's help the world become more

17:50

zesty. And let's be a little more intentional with our

17:52

language and see what happens. Alright, sending you lots of

17:55

love. We'll catch you soon on the next episode. Have a good

17:58

day. Megan Blacksmith: Thanks for coming to hang out with us on

18:00

the podcast. It is our goal to lead others through accelerated

18:05

transformation that takes all parts of ourselves into account.

18:10

And we need your help. We need your help to get the word out at

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know that as this podcast grows, we're gonna be able to reach

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more and more people and help them learn how all four bodies

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physical, mental, emotional, and energetic work so they feel

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empowered to be do and have whatever they want in life.

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