0:00

Hey. Everybody. Enjoy the

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episode but also go watch by

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Guess. You do page then

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come see me lie Punjab.lives/he

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and finance uncommon all over.

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Ah is god. Darn.

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Great country of ours and I can't

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wait to see their. The.

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Flow watches Badger oh yeah and share

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it and like it. A comment that

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helps where he will go. Enjoy the

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show. Telling

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jokes and have a small. Rutenberg

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so room earn his while

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row when you be in

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the in. Coffee

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Ice No matter where are. Now

0:49

you know he likes to

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the number So while right

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and you been in me

0:56

and. Lavish

0:59

in Japan and ten. Minutes

1:02

from now as learn

1:04

to live alone been.

1:08

Mean with Jordan.

1:14

Your. Taleban. Gum

1:20

Bag, do another episode of Be A

1:22

Majority and I am so excited to

1:25

be here. Those lead she fell asleep.

1:27

I bet how good was that app?

1:29

You and. You. Know how good it was his I

1:31

woke up and as like where's my dog and then I

1:33

looked and she was in She. Never does issues in are

1:35

great like. Completely. Wozniak as she

1:37

saw you are with oh fuck mom's there

1:39

for the plague or yeah yes took now

1:41

I mean as we do all this morning

1:43

and we played. I did Kid Rock's

1:46

comedy show us a O l a national

1:48

go out with Kenya Tennessee. I saw that

1:50

it was so fun! Yeah, are you glad

1:52

you did it? Yeah yeah. Stay side stage

1:54

on the other. Great early as. Ah

1:58

at home or? ah. I went

2:01

down there for the first year

2:03

they did that, it's like

2:05

two years ago, because Big

2:07

J, Shane and all them were on it, and we

2:09

were doing Moon Tower, and I was like, oh, I'll

2:11

go down and hang out, because we,

2:14

oh, we had to do Bonfire. And so

2:16

we did Bonfire from the Sirius XM Studios in Nashville,

2:18

but I went and hung out at a Kid Rock

2:20

show. Yeah. And I was like, this is the best. Did

2:22

you do it? No, the only thing

2:24

better than doing comedy is hanging out at

2:26

comedy. It's going to work. It's a

2:28

beautiful room. You don't have to do it. And then

2:30

I did Ari's. An Apple man didn't show up. I

2:32

did, really? I don't think he showed up. I wonder

2:35

if it's, because he got high. Oh, jeez. He's

2:37

jokin' it. He's jokin' it. He's jokin' it. You

2:41

actually know he does meth now.

2:43

He's there early, and he's hawkin'

2:45

stuff. But it was fun,

2:47

I did Ari's show there at the Ryman

2:49

like two nights later, and it's a beautiful

2:51

fuckin'. It's the most beautiful. You're on stage

2:53

and you're going like, this is where Dolly

2:55

Parton and all them, like, this is Dold

2:57

Granolopis. Dold Granolopis? Maybe? Yeah,

3:01

probably. I love Elvis. I'm

3:03

getting an Elvis tattoo. Listen, I think- What kind

3:05

of tattoo? Well, I

3:07

think I might get- Don't do

3:10

this. E-L-V-I-S, and then J-I-M-I for

3:13

Elvis Presley and Jimi Hendrix. On

3:15

the inside of your fingers. You

3:17

gotta do outside. No, I'm not

3:19

gettin' knuckle tattoos. You're gonna

3:21

get little hands. But those are gonna wear. I

3:24

like it. It looks like prison. I have a

3:27

little smiley face here. It's worn out. It looks

3:29

like I served time in Folsom County. I like

3:31

that. Yeah, it looks like you got bit by

3:33

a little rat. Let me see. Yeah,

3:36

no, that looks like you drew on yourself in homeroom. Me?

3:39

Yeah. That doesn't look like prison. They took my

3:41

Traver Keeper away. I don't know how bored. Oh,

3:43

that's what it looks like that you snagged your skin

3:46

in your Traver Keeper. Oh yeah, you're right.

3:48

Yeah, with the pinch holes. Yeah. Oh,

3:50

now, what a pain. Oh yeah. What a fuckin'

3:52

pain. Well, me and Mike- Oh!

3:55

Me and Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm

3:57

coming and like, what the fuck, Dan?

4:00

Meanwhile. My cousin got matching smiley face to

4:02

tattoos everywhere and I when here and the

4:04

guys had doing it and I he goes

4:06

on going to be ours is the first

4:08

time ever tried to the spot before he

4:10

was like well let's go and it's but

4:12

I like it it it looks like a

4:14

motherfucker. Artist Caverns

4:16

our doesn't work harder. Now let me

4:19

ask you if all cushman years does

4:21

the pedophilia bother you. About.

4:24

Elvis. Oh. I

4:26

bet is andrew of money

4:28

sources that was garage. Still

4:31

love it. So

4:34

that's why I was gonna do when you

4:37

just as little kids see here as a

4:39

as a few. Years.

4:42

I like that bet. If you're you have

4:44

like kids like smiley faces so there is

4:47

a luxury offered. Loading

4:50

Cohen probe really should Liberals and as a

4:52

reporter is like a pet of how the

4:54

regular like. A guy's relax. My for the

4:56

part about call a kid love you always hear you

4:58

know emphysema. Reputed

5:01

is really a third, so have you

5:03

seen it? Drake and Josh.

5:05

Straight. You know, the Nickelodeon? Okay, but Drake came

5:08

out with a music. Video. He.

5:10

Was molested that bad? Us.

5:13

Like we're still burns. Games and dude I

5:15

was like we need to slow down like this

5:17

is. Too crazy when you

5:19

speak through music. Like. That

5:21

the own you think you're going to get your

5:23

point across through music, your brain, the scramble. That's

5:25

the problem is is is there's nothing vague about?

5:28

It's literally him. It's as drake on

5:30

a little kids. Director. Share he goes

5:32

into a trailer with a grown man. It

5:34

comes out he's covered in blood in a

5:36

doctor thing and then it picked the camera,

5:38

pans and goes over a cream and you're

5:40

like ah oh we're still on the screen

5:42

and a Caesar. The cream for like. Fifty.

5:45

Like a hobby cream. what kind of guy is

5:47

hop ago greed? you google it a know. Our

5:50

aim their had to have been a moment

5:52

where the director which I think we should

5:54

move on from the shot anywhere. It. Hold

5:57

it. Blows. me will

5:59

surely Like he was doing apocalypse now. He

6:01

goes no no no hold longer

6:03

on the cream. I want to hold it

6:07

It's it you need to it's actually I am

6:09

going to watch it. I don't think is that

6:11

he They paid for

6:14

the music video. That's the only reason to hover

6:16

that long. Yeah. No, it was absolutely

6:18

paid for by him No, no by

6:21

the cream the cream they go. Hey, can you put us

6:23

in? The

6:25

cream You're raped When

6:30

you're raped, yeah guys No,

6:33

we can blow of anal

6:35

rape in this cream by

6:38

the way if you're gonna get down in the dirt Go

6:41

for it. It's like look I haven't done

6:43

music in a while, but I secured funding

6:45

for this video Yeah, we're gonna have to

6:47

focus heavy on the cream. All right Good

6:50

news bad news craft. He's gonna be amazing Oh

6:58

And pan to a little child's asshole, yeah

7:00

and blood Blood

7:02

into cream you go that's I don't want

7:04

that it was blood right in the cream

7:07

We think about it blood and cream is

7:09

the PB and J of pedophilia. It's

7:11

true. Oh, that's delicious There's come

7:13

in there to let's love the cream Blood

7:18

anal cream come that's the PB J

7:20

I Mean

7:28

that's what I'm gonna watch that I'm absolutely good

7:30

at that car. I watch the doc the

7:32

Nickelodeon doc We explored it

7:35

on the bonfire when reports came out.

7:37

Yeah, everything I heard from the doc

7:39

we already knew okay, okay? Gotcha. It's

7:41

like I had the case file and

7:43

they're like they did the movie based on it and

7:46

you go I read the documents it really makes you

7:48

watch it big damn I did watch a lot of

7:50

girls basically get cum on their face like it's so

7:52

many come show It was what stuff with with all

7:54

the foot stuff you're like damn It was right show

7:56

how many little girls like oh, and it's like a

7:58

squirt down like You know young

8:01

James whatever Britney Spears his sister is

8:03

like Jamie Lynn Spears like Ariana Grande

8:06

Oh, really they really did a lot of Ariana

8:08

Grande get a cumshot Well, it's like you're trying

8:10

to milk a potato which looks like she's trying

8:12

to jerk a dick. No Yeah, she's a little

8:15

kid and the guy made her do that. Yeah.

8:17

Oh, yeah, and she's like, give me the

8:19

juice I

8:21

need it. No I

8:24

gotta go to my trailer Down

8:30

the bed pouring water down her throat and she's like

8:32

nah Yeah, once you see

8:34

after what it is you go damn

8:37

dude. They were just indoctrinated. Yeah, he's

8:39

indoctrinated Oh my god, your feet are

8:41

so soft and then everybody's feeling all

8:43

the toes. Let's miss strawberries No,

8:49

wait, it was basically the equivalent of off to it

8:51

that is not good if you watch it now But

8:55

Ariana Grande, but you think about it now.

8:58

You can't do that. Okay Stop

9:01

you right there. Okay. Yeah. Hey Chris

9:06

really the same Chris Laker had the greatest joke

9:08

where he was like, you don't realize when

9:10

you're 12 years old how Limited

9:13

of a time you have to jerk off to 12 to 14 year

9:15

old girl Cuz

9:18

you're just thinking about ladies when you're that age Like

9:22

and then you grow up and you go like I can't go back

9:27

When you're 12 to 14, you're thinking of growing women Stay

9:30

right there. Stay right there. But yeah

9:32

that that documentary you're like But

9:35

also it made sense because you're

9:37

like, this is a Nickelodeon was an empire and

9:39

whatever there's an empire There's always the dark and

9:41

there's a fat ugly guy who gets power. There

9:44

is pedophilia. He goes Yeah,

9:47

well this is not what got you there.

9:49

Yeah, it was just northern star. That's what

9:51

drove him to but would he like Hey,

9:54

let's uh, now the foot they gonna be

9:56

funny. You know, you'll get it in the end That's what it is.

9:58

Really? Yeah, and they're like

10:00

this is weird and he's like and they're like,

10:03

okay. He was like a lot of Star

10:06

yeah, and he also I mean

10:08

like he's bad But the guy that

10:10

actually raped them was the acting coach. Yeah,

10:13

I didn't know about the one that like Amanda

10:15

binds I don't know but her brain

10:17

is so fried that she's got dog food for

10:19

brain They talked to her the interviewer in the

10:21

she probably was like just smoking

10:23

a cigarette facing the window going You don't

10:25

want to open that can of worms Probably

10:28

when they're like Amanda we're doing a documentary and

10:30

she goes She

10:36

gave a statement she just pretty much said that she

10:38

didn't like she had no comment on the subject no

10:40

comment means holy shit Yeah, yeah, I can't speak because

10:43

there's still a dick in my mouth or there also

10:45

might be a thing where she goes Well, you guys

10:47

kind of fucking my whole thing up. Yeah Yeah

10:53

You want to let's

10:55

face facts you want to profit off it? Yeah

10:57

So if someone else does the documentary you

10:59

go I can't give you my sexy details.

11:01

Yeah. Yeah And

11:04

if you do you got to go out and get more

11:06

molest in stories for your exactly Yeah,

11:10

I gotta work on this new hour

11:12

again molest I'm

11:16

gonna get fucked by a neighbor they

11:18

build her up so much that maybe they're planning on

11:20

season 2 there might be I Speak

11:23

yeah the return of vines Is

11:26

she all fried out now? How do you

11:29

know you've always like tattoos on her face?

11:31

No way Amanda

11:34

binds went by the way She did go

11:36

fully insane and then came back and was

11:38

like she probably went insane cuz she had

11:40

did carpent Compartmentalize all that

11:42

shit that happened. Yeah, Ron on and

11:44

I were talking about this yesterday on

11:46

my podcast It has to be the

11:49

people that go crazy the people

11:51

around them Never get

11:53

in trouble. And those are the people

11:55

that make those people go crazy And

11:58

it's like, why aren't you? The talking to

12:00

Britney Spears, his mom yeah yeah for

12:02

manager all these people to did all

12:04

this factor and I bet they go

12:07

crazy by being like hey this stuff

12:09

happening and the people around them go

12:11

know it's not just gravy train doctor

12:13

yea I know the sense that does

12:15

suck. Oh. My God you got

12:17

your seat sucked. Yes I did. You

12:19

go out and do the show as

12:21

a damn about forty five cave for

12:23

you that is like a cigar. But

12:25

times and million Yeah yeah. now. That.

12:27

Was on Alexander's largest as or did

12:30

you just agree? I agree. Buffalo sounded

12:32

off. No no have a cigar by

12:34

Pink Floyd is about like them getting

12:36

a ragged. I thought it was Lewinsky.

12:38

honestly. oh. Know. And I'll have a

12:40

cigars like health Ah Pink Floyd. like at

12:42

the height of their fame. their record labels

12:44

like you gotta keep going, you gotta give,

12:47

don't Eat that the and and they wonder

12:49

like take a break Blue is like this

12:51

like milking the cowl till there's no more

12:53

milk today. That's. This. Business

12:55

that entertainment Yeah they go like go

12:58

go go go go gas like zero

13:00

your resource yeah and are like oh

13:02

but. Now. With the things you want to

13:04

do their always like yeah, keep during you wanted

13:06

your. Unscripted, Reality show where you play

13:08

a dog and I'm like no and no I put

13:11

in a page of are illegal and he got a

13:13

really want to do that They go I will. It

13:15

is like seventy thousand an episode of Neo. This.

13:17

Is the as if all of a

13:19

flower shows that is on collared. I

13:23

am I standing on my own for

13:25

like it was so I live my

13:27

life ssssss them as a citizen on

13:29

guy as a dog the rest of

13:31

my letter to act as that Swansea

13:34

sci class guy I spotted anyway I

13:36

am I don't I am a diary

13:38

of an away Goal is enough for

13:40

years ago and it was really works

13:42

as a lot. stairs later drug dealers

13:44

caught in the park pocketed worry about.

13:48

A month painted

13:51

red Ssssss. Realize.

13:56

it's out for us as that this area with

13:58

regard to introduce or guess Yeah, whatever,

14:00

dude, we're just rolling, fuck it. No

14:03

name. The great

14:05

dance owner, that's so funny to be like,

14:08

you do the dog fuck act out, and it's

14:10

like with a family dance leader. Oh, dance leader.

14:12

Oh, my God. Oh, hey.

14:15

In case anybody was tricked by his

14:17

perfect dog, that's not really a dog, that's dance.

14:20

I'm gonna fuck you up, that's a human man.

14:23

You guys ready for me to fuck your shit up? That's

14:26

a dude. It also would be funny if you,

14:28

that's how you find out I podcast is

14:30

by dog commands. We go, sit,

14:33

stop it, stand side. That's

14:36

what we have to do with Jordan. Yeah, that is

14:38

true. I broke my tailbone, so you can't.

14:41

I don't know, but it hurts so bad. Did

14:43

you fall? No. Did you?

14:45

Oh, that's all I got. That's all I got. No,

14:47

I know. Did someone knee you in the tailbone, buddy?

14:50

No, that's how it happened when I was a child.

14:52

That's happened to me when I was a child. No,

14:54

let me ask you a question. You have to be

14:56

like, what? Does it heal, or has it, has it

14:58

just possibly been floating around since that break? Cause

15:01

the cocks. Cocks six.

15:03

Cocks six. So stupid.

15:05

What? Does it heal back

15:07

on? I don't know. You didn't break your

15:09

tail. She didn't, a doctor didn't go, you

15:11

broke your tailbone. It hurts. She just hurt

15:13

her tailbone. It hurts so bad on the

15:16

knob. You just butt her. Hurts on the

15:18

knob. You are butt her. Yeah, you change

15:20

your butt. Dude, you're butt her. Yeah, it's

15:22

on double butt her. Then I turn and

15:24

get a giant grin. You brought the podcast

15:26

down. She's gonna butt her. I

15:30

need to spit on a donut. Yeah, do you have a

15:32

donut? You know what, you

15:34

just, this pillow's good. That's good. That's

15:36

a good pillow. Here, I have more pillows. You want

15:38

more pillows? Does that help? That's it. You want me

15:40

to get more pillows? Now we're cooking with gas. Now

15:42

we're cooking with gas. I can play with this knife.

15:44

Yes. I'm just going L. Knives and

15:47

assemble. But how do you feel about Elvis and

15:49

the pedophilia? Yeah, do you? I love Elvis. He's

15:51

not a pedophile. Hey, you married Priscilla when she

15:53

was 14. But he had permission.

15:56

Sure, dude. It was a different time.

15:58

He wasn't a- He wasn't a- He

16:01

all cracked the kid fucking excuses. No, it's kid lovin'. Think

16:03

about it, 14 years. We've established this. How old was Elvis?

16:06

Look at Ethan. He was 24. They

16:08

were more mature back then.

16:10

No, they weren't. Elvis isn't a bad guy.

16:12

Oh, yes he is. No, he's not. He

16:14

stole rock and roll with the black people.

16:17

No, he propped up rock and roll and

16:19

he gave black people credit. I'm gonna tell

16:21

you right now, you've seen any interview with

16:24

Elvis, you can just see that the N-word

16:26

fell out of his mouth all the time.

16:29

He's from Memphis. It was

16:31

a different time. Elvis- Oh,

16:35

you know he's from Memphis. But I'm saying, do you

16:38

look past it? Clearly, do

16:40

you hear my arguments? They're falling apart. I

16:43

know. You are fucking getting

16:45

crushed in your- He's just coming in and

16:47

he's like, and he was racist. And he's

16:49

stolen. I'm like, but he- But

16:52

he did party with those pills. Yeah.

16:56

Fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches are

16:58

fucking unbelievable. That's how you got all

17:00

fat. Just that? His

17:03

thing was he would munch pills and then

17:05

he'd eat fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches.

17:07

Why are you gonna fry it? I don't

17:10

know, but why not? Have you ever had

17:12

it? It's fucking good. Really? Yeah, it is.

17:14

You've never had a fried banana? It's basically

17:17

a plantain. Yeah, but I'm saying it's a

17:19

fried banana and peanut butter sandwich. Yeah, get

17:21

it going. Get those taste receptors going. You

17:25

know what my favorite? Dog out. It's time to dog

17:27

out. I'm gonna fuck you up. Peanut butter and pickle

17:29

sandwich. Favorite sandwich. Dude, someone said that to me the

17:31

other day. Why is it people say that now?

17:33

Hold on. No, hold on

17:35

now. Oh, what? I'm gonna fuck.

17:37

It's so funny. I said that. I

17:40

hate that. Is it the- We

17:42

were poor and I saw we had- now I'm addicted to it. Okay,

17:45

but is it the- is it

17:47

the- what kind of pickle? Like

17:51

dill or sweet? It's gotta be a

17:53

crispy pickle. Crispy pickle. Crispy pickle. Crispy

17:55

pickle on the sandwich. Yeah. And

17:58

by the way, the thing about peanut butter is- It

18:00

doesn't get enough credit for how it meshes so

18:02

well with everything. I think peanut butter is the

18:04

best dessert ever. Dog testicles. Yeah. Oh

18:06

my God. It's my testicles. My testicles

18:09

for my dog. Yeah. It's really a...

18:11

Ew, the guy the other day I was carrying something like

18:13

protein and I had my dog and he goes, can I

18:15

ask you something gross? And I was like, I guess. And

18:17

he goes, is that peanut butter? And I was like, oh no.

18:19

It really tests the health. Yeah. Dude,

18:22

you know what happened in the park the other day? Because

18:24

of the pussy thing. Ready

18:26

for this? Yeah. I

18:29

think for a woman getting her pussy ate

18:31

by a dog, it's easier because a dog

18:33

can't suck. A dog can lick.

18:35

They can't. But a dog can't suck. Mm-hmm.

18:38

So I think for a woman, you can find completely

18:40

through a dog. No matter how many times... For a

18:42

man, you're just getting like revved up. They take him

18:44

to Justin Silver's dog training. The dog will

18:46

not learn how to suck. We're going to teach him how

18:48

to suck. That is so

18:50

weird. He's like, if you want your dog to learn to go around your

18:53

legs, under your legs, knock you over, pick you back up. And I'm like,

18:55

I just want my dog to sit. You want his dog to learn high

18:57

kids? I don't even know how it's possible. I don't even know high kids.

18:59

But you were saying, what happened the other day? This guy in the park,

19:01

he has three huge dogs. Big fat boys. And he's like, are you Jordan

19:03

Jensen? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, senior stuff. Big

19:05

fan. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. And he

19:07

goes, my friend said that he saw Jesus. And I was like, oh, all right. And

19:09

he goes, I think we're going to start... I think we're all going to start a new game. And I was

19:11

like, oh, I'm going to start a new game. And

19:44

I was like, I got to go. It

19:46

was the weirdest normal guy turned into weird

19:48

guy. That is really bizarre. There is a

19:50

chance that he goes home and he

19:52

goes, Jordan Jensen and fucked with her pretty good in the

19:54

park. That guy's... if that... if yes, dude,

19:56

that's the best case scenario. That would be the love of my

19:59

life if he did that. That's my favorite. He goes Jordan.

20:01

Hey, I met you in the park. I was just fucking

20:03

with you want to get a drink some Oh, I would

20:05

fuck him in the dark immediately. Oh my god. You're dark

20:07

to watch. Let's get in there and the protein was peanut

20:09

butter that happened to That

20:13

that happened. I want to see who they go for on

20:16

Fucking on the L. I

20:18

had my bike and I was coming back from

20:20

Manhattan and this guy Looked

20:23

exactly like a fucking Calm-town

20:26

fan and he goes Nick Nick

20:29

are you Nick and I was like nah,

20:31

man I'm not fucking Nick and he

20:34

goes, okay and he walks away and I was

20:36

like that motherfucker He's probably fucking with me like

20:38

trying to be like a fucking whatever So

20:41

I get on my bike and I am

20:43

like Tom and I realized

20:45

people are different than me. Okay,

20:47

well He was

20:49

walking and I was gonna fuck with them.

20:52

It like really stuck in my crawl Got

20:55

you man. Yeah, and so he I

20:57

I go hey hey and I was

20:59

gonna go It's Nick get given the

21:01

finger and like right away, but I

21:03

had a bag on my

21:05

handlebars I wouldn't want hey I

21:29

Was recording and it's all you So

21:36

funny if you were to pick you up because I'm actually a

21:38

stavie guy Yeah,

21:42

that is very funny that I mean first

21:45

off someone knowing who you are Great

21:49

you going over your handlebars in front

21:51

of that person. You're at the same level

21:55

You're a fan of yourself. You Can never pay for

21:57

a ticket to. The

22:00

you ever in his i you know if

22:02

you're that guy watch in free ticket to

22:04

driving ever blown up dude. Ever. Been

22:06

up a bathroom and then gonna say to new

22:08

their redo the are blowing of the bathroom year

22:10

the person transit and i call it a big

22:13

once and it was the was terrible experience because

22:15

I try to get out ahead of it and

22:17

I go yeah I was the guy in the

22:19

bad news is this is henri. I

22:21

says yes. Okay, anyway it's it's

22:23

it's it's aided because Will live

22:25

on the. Last episode I said as but it

22:27

was about you. The. Scariest thing I've

22:29

ever seen his I was at Tampa

22:32

sides. Layers. My ass and I know,

22:34

Yeah, I got. My

22:36

associates too familiar. With

22:39

as on the monkey bars and I fell through

22:41

a i hear ya what did you do they

22:43

don't know you gotta know I've been doing so

22:45

A lot of weight. Yeah. Probably multiples

22:47

of than the honestly real it's crazy

22:49

about it. You might have heard something

22:51

else in it goes up through that

22:53

muscle and that's why you're feeling that

22:55

were in your gone times you've heard

22:58

like on my like right now is

23:00

your tomatoes your oh yes yes it

23:02

might be like you parts of the

23:04

lower back into Poland. That muscle that's

23:06

right yeah yeah protest roach couple days

23:08

you be good well have a your

23:10

feet. Towards voters

23:12

side splitters I come over the bathroom. And

23:14

told us unless it's crazy since I come out of

23:16

as human as I remember the yellow rubber. Europe.

23:19

They. Are we the it'll and

23:21

have been. I. Came out a bathroom and.

23:24

I'm this girl was like doesn't Paint

23:26

said to. They could come goblin yes.

23:28

Had a nice comfy and and she

23:30

looks very young. short. You. Know

23:32

my nightmare and then. I

23:35

was like all and I kind of one to get away from hers.

23:37

I heard and saw posts are viewed as a go. You should

23:39

come next weekend see my body. Dan beer and

23:41

she was like he's so high and as

23:43

like yeah I think he's I think he's

23:45

of us. Pretty pretty but trove though and

23:48

sugar and then she goes. I did. I

23:50

think wells everyday she goes. Oh held

23:52

see. And as like, what did she goes. They.

23:54

All seem to know like ah

23:57

we have several surveys I went

23:59

you. are my nightmare.

24:01

That is a woman that looks

24:03

forward to destroying families. Those

24:07

people are evil. I love my

24:10

fiance. They're a good couple. Back off. I

24:12

always, you know what's funny is when I

24:14

first started going on the road when we

24:17

were dating, Katie was like, you're

24:19

on the road. I'm afraid you're gonna cheat on me. I

24:21

go, no, because I would immediately

24:23

come, I'm old enough, and this is me

24:25

being old enough and wise enough to know

24:27

I would come and go, I wish

24:30

you were Katie. Yeah. And

24:32

I go, so honestly, it makes more sense

24:34

to go beat off. Yeah. And then

24:36

I'm just like, oh, then I'll FaceTime Katie. Yeah.

24:39

Yeah. And there's no guilt.

24:41

Yeah. Because now I don't drink, I don't do the

24:43

things that would make you go, I can get away

24:45

with it. Yeah. I

24:48

don't really know the appeal. I love

24:50

my fiance. I'm genuinely in a relationship

24:53

where I like the person I

24:55

am with. Yeah.

24:58

This isn't like a relationship where

25:01

I feel obligated. Yeah. Everything

25:03

I do is I'm like, no, I love hanging out

25:05

with her. Wow. I love- That's

25:08

awesome. I'm cool. What is she- Yeah,

25:10

she rules. She loves you. Really? She

25:13

loves you. She's this cool. And

25:15

she showed me the one about Oliver, the guy on the dating

25:17

app. Oh, yeah. And she's like, this is

25:19

so- we were both watching it. Like, God damn,

25:21

she's big, Katie's big fan of yours. Is she

25:24

like unapproachably hot though? No, she's great. She's like

25:26

hot, but she's cool. She's going next to her.

25:28

Doesn't have big fake titties? No.

25:30

You've never seen Katie? No. Oh,

25:33

she's great. You guys did get along famously. Wasn't she on Celebrity Jeopardy?

25:35

Yeah, she almost won it. Yeah, yeah, she was killing it on that.

25:37

She was on Celebrity Jeopardy? Yeah. It

25:40

was fucking sick. She did awesome. She did

25:42

that? Yeah, she beat one of the guys

25:44

from Wings. That was pretty cool. Wait,

25:46

why was she on it if she's not a celebrity? She's celebrity.

25:48

Oh, who is she? She had a show on Fox

25:50

Sports and ESPN. Katie

25:53

Nolan. Kate Middleton. The

25:56

Princess Princess. She's from

25:58

Hello on her side there. Wait,

26:00

can I look her up? Yeah, you can look her

26:02

up. Katie Nolan. If you see her, you'll know. Is

26:05

that the food? Yeah, yeah, Mandibines. Katie.

26:08

Nuts. Nolan. Did

26:10

you see her? She rules. Hey

26:13

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26:55

Learn a language. Learn how to

26:57

love with another language. To me

26:59

more. You are my love. Yeah.

27:03

Sometimes I go on Tinder and only

27:05

swipe on girls that have Spanish profiles.

27:11

babbel.com/ska. Thanks.

27:14

Oh, she's so cute. And

27:17

she is unapproachably hot. Oh,

27:20

I mean, I can't thank her because I'm her feel. Oh,

27:23

she's so cute. But she rules.

27:25

Yeah. That's

27:27

awesome. I love that. Literally, I'm not.

27:29

By the way, this ain't Hollywood bullshit. She genuinely showed

27:31

me that Oliver joke yesterday before I got in the

27:34

shower. That's awesome. Yeah. That's

27:37

great. That's dog's name. Dog's name. We've

27:39

been saying that. Dog's name. Dog's

27:42

name. But yeah, I'm 40. I

27:45

don't want to. No, man, I got it. I

27:48

got the person that I'm going to put. Now the

27:50

worry is if she dies, I

27:52

will spiral and you will have to pull me out

27:55

of a fucking opium. That's where

27:57

I'm at. I put my fucking Mmm,

28:01

how old are you when you guys got together?

28:03

Well, we've been together four and a half years

28:05

Oh, no is right before the pandemic. Yeah, what

28:08

do you know? I remember we used to play

28:10

ghost of Tsushima. Yeah, we would get on chat

28:12

Uh-huh during the fucking pandemic. Yeah, she's fucking

28:14

great at Call of Duty. Yeah Yeah,

28:17

and cheap. We play rocket league every night weed.

28:20

Yeah. Wow. Why are you off weed?

28:22

That's why I wanted to Uh, I just it's time

28:24

dude. I've been getting highs. I'm coming back in

28:26

June I'm doing two

28:28

months. I mean, that's cool. Yeah, I'm gonna do it

28:30

casually when I come back. I'm not gonna do it

28:33

We don't know. Yeah, what

28:35

were you running from? Death. Yeah

28:38

sadness. That's that sucks. Yeah, just running from

28:40

all the shit that I didn't your own

28:43

death or my dad's

28:45

and my sisters and my aunt's and the

28:47

decay of my father's family and you

28:50

know, all that Fucking teenage

28:52

bullshit and now I'm really good

28:54

at getting fucked up Oh

28:57

really? Like

28:59

I'm very when I quit drinking people were

29:01

legitimately bummed out When did you quit drinking

29:03

11 years ago? And I saw

29:05

that I was just getting high fuck since then and

29:07

when you get baked you don't get scared Oh, I

29:09

get super scared. Okay, okay I'm gonna

29:12

go get very scared and I smoke a whole

29:14

bat. We call it scared. Really? Yeah, we say

29:16

let's go get scared Oh, yeah, I do bigger

29:18

bar. I fucking do She

29:26

does little bits. Okay, we do Katie size bites. Do

29:28

you do do you do gravity bongs?

29:33

Dude it's so funny you said that cuz

29:35

I just was on a podcast with Katie

29:37

talking about quitting smoking weed and

29:39

I talked about Doing gravity

29:42

bong hits and I said their

29:44

producer this picture of me when I was 16 That

29:48

out of a litter box goddamn right

29:50

it is My

29:56

garage by the way what you can't see and Ian

29:58

you'd appreciate this is that

30:01

frog ashtray right behind my

30:03

head. It was a

30:05

frog mouth where the tongue you could rest

30:07

the cigarette on. Wow. I missed

30:09

that ashtray. That was, yeah. I used to

30:12

do gravity bone hits. I don't know what happens in

30:14

your brain where something switches and all of a sudden

30:16

it goes from, like I

30:18

remember I could smoke endless weed every

30:20

morning before school. Love it. Shout

30:22

out Joey Owens. Darrickle. Coming to

30:24

my house at seven. So I went

30:26

to Cancun when I was 16

30:28

because I had like a job so I could

30:31

pay for it. And my friends and I went

30:33

with my friend's older brother and his sister and

30:35

my friend and we went to Fat Tuesdays which

30:37

was in Cancun and they had this

30:40

thing called an attitude adjustment which was like

30:42

a drink you could buy, right? We

30:44

take it back to Aurora, pop

30:47

a little rubber stopper in there, melt it. We

30:49

turn it into a bomb called

30:51

the attitude adjustment. So

30:53

Joey Owens would come over

30:55

before first period. We'd do

30:57

about four attitubers. And

31:00

then first period people were mad. You don't remember

31:02

it. Me and my friend would be down. I

31:05

just remember specifically getting in trouble because we were

31:07

laughing so hard that we had to put our

31:09

foreheads down on the table but we weren't using

31:11

our arms so our hands were just at our

31:14

side and we were just shivering. One

31:17

time we went to a fucking potluck and I showed up and we were

31:19

so baked and it's my mom's potluck and she

31:21

always had these lesbian potlucks. And we

31:23

go in and we're like so high and we're so scared and we're like dude

31:25

we're going to go in, we're going to get snacks, we're going to go up

31:27

to your room. So many snacks. Go in, just go in

31:29

and get out. We get in and everybody's coming up to

31:31

me and they're like Jordan and I'm like what is going on,

31:33

what is going on? And then Brianna's like

31:36

in the corner with a whole wheel of cheese. She's like blah blah

31:38

blah and I'm like you got to help me. Everybody's

31:40

coming up to me and my mom was like this

31:42

is your potluck. I had this for your graduation.

31:44

And I was hooked. Like

31:47

and then it was like it was a graduation

31:50

potluck. She had us all sit

31:52

around a table and she goes everybody go around and

31:54

say one thing that you love about Jordan. And

31:56

I was literally like I

31:58

was like shaking cold. Oh my

32:00

god. I'm so couldn't stop eating.

32:03

Brianna had abandoned me emotionally. I love

32:05

it. She was just in food

32:07

last week. She's so bright. We had off-campus,

32:10

I went to a really big high school, like 3,000 kids. Oh

32:13

my god. And it was open campus. So you

32:15

could go get lunch anywhere. You

32:18

go home, my house will smoke weed because you can smoke weed at my

32:20

house. So we, you know,

32:22

we'd like go smoke blunts or whatever. Me

32:25

and my friend Byron go and get fucking

32:27

ripped. And we're in physics, fifth period physics

32:29

together. And we come in and there's all these

32:31

Russians. I don't know. We had an international

32:33

baccalaureate programs. We had like a lot of foreign

32:35

kids. Yeah. And we had

32:37

all these Russians. These fucking kid Boris

32:39

was wearing a goddamn Fedorov jersey. He's

32:42

wearing a fucking Red Wings Fedorov jersey.

32:44

And Byron and I are ripped. And

32:46

we're just sitting in class trying to

32:48

be incognito. And Boris is high.

32:50

And we think Boris is high. And

32:53

they're doing like the noises

32:55

that tubes make. And

32:57

they're like, you know, like

32:59

going like what they're doing the physics of

33:01

that. Okay. And Boris is behind us going, oh,

33:04

dude, we started laughing. And

33:07

Byron has a very distinct laugh. And

33:11

he starts going and I was like, dude,

33:13

I'm like, oh, it's like

33:15

holding my head like an ice cream

33:17

headache. I was like, oh, my teacher's

33:20

like, it is not that funny. And

33:22

we were like, ah,

33:24

dude, my favorite was so

33:27

we do attitude and I had

33:29

AP English second period. And

33:31

one time my mom, my mom would go to work before me

33:33

and it was just me and my mom. So I was like,

33:35

so I was like, oh, it's come over. Yeah. I

33:38

was like, Joey, let's get fucking. We see that.

33:40

And we're fucking. I'm like, dude, getting fucked up in

33:42

the morning. It's the best thing ever. So

33:45

we're doing. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

33:48

I had a joke about that in my college. I

33:50

had a joke about that in my Comedy Central special,

33:52

my half hour, which is true. It's like you drink

33:54

before school and everyone's like this guy fucking

33:57

parties at twenty nine. You drink before work and

33:59

they're like, you need. And you're like, yeah, I'm

34:01

going through a lot. But

34:04

Joey came over and the attitude, what was

34:06

great about it is, it started

34:08

the rubber stopper because it was in plastic and

34:11

you know, it started having movement to it. So

34:13

you could almost play it like an instrument where

34:15

you'd be like, and

34:17

then you could push it in on the

34:19

rubber part and it would get milky. So

34:21

you could take a fucking real harsh bong

34:24

hit. And so we're fucking, I'm like, fuck

34:26

first period. Fuck first

34:28

period. Just get fucked up and smoke cigarettes.

34:30

Just stare at the ground. Like, dude, that

34:32

kind of hiring, like, just silent in my

34:35

garage, just smoking candle lights. Like, I don't

34:37

know. Bowens

34:40

and I just get, and he works at a rehab

34:42

center now. Shout out Joey, I love you. You're turning your

34:44

life around. Hey, one day at a time, we all

34:46

got it. But we're just fucking, he works at it. He

34:48

works at it. He's not out of it. He's sober.

34:50

He's sober. Yeah, he's sober. Yeah, no, you're

34:52

running one day at a time. Yeah, thank you. These guys,

34:54

like all my friends I've partied with, we're all fucking sober

34:56

now. And I'll be back to eat,

34:58

don't worry. But we're taking Attitubers, and we're

35:00

just like fucked up. And I was like, oh

35:03

shit, I gotta go to fucking AP

35:05

English. But my high school

35:07

was overpopulated, so we had mobile classrooms.

35:10

Like mobile. Oh, those trailers. Yeah, the

35:12

trailers. Oh, okay. And it was winter.

35:14

And I just remember it was, it snowed,

35:16

and somehow snow makes noise.

35:19

Yeah. Terrio onboard. Yeah, yeah.

35:22

Fucking so high. And I'm like, dude, I

35:24

read Dostoyevsky, and I gotta go in and

35:26

fucking talk about this shit. And I'm so

35:29

high driving to school, and

35:31

I pull up, and I'm like fuck.

35:33

And I remember walking up the ramp of

35:35

the trailer, and it's like

35:37

wood, and I have snow boots on. So it's

35:39

like, boom, boom, boom. And

35:42

I'm late. Yeah. And I'm

35:44

like, boom, boom, boom. And I touch the door and I go, ah.

35:46

And I turn around and I go, boom,

35:49

boom, boom. And all my friends in my

35:51

class were like, everyone walks you, walk through

35:53

the window, up and bail. And

35:55

I was just like, yeah. I just went back to my car and smoked

35:58

a cigarette. I was like, I'll go to third period. I

36:00

was just chilling in my car listening to music like I'm

36:02

fucking stoned. I have a good one.

36:04

I have a good one. You have one?

36:06

Okay, go ahead. Yeah. No,

36:09

I'll go first. Well, mine's sad. Mine's

36:11

good. Mine's happy. All right. Well,

36:14

good then sad. Okay, you go. Good then

36:16

sad. Okay. So, my

36:18

best friend lives close by still. We

36:21

got so fucked up. And

36:23

we were at my mom. One of my

36:26

moms had a salon next to my house.

36:28

Great. After hours. And they're doing nails. Ripped

36:31

a blunt. Doing nosies, shotgun nosies. Oh

36:33

my God. So, real quick, side story.

36:35

What's a shotgun nosie? Side story. Okay,

36:38

I love a side story. We're kindred spirit. Yeah, yeah.

36:41

Did you ever body bag? What's a body

36:43

bag? Body bag is you take like a

36:45

little athletic bag and you take a

36:47

blunt and you shotgun

36:49

yourself. So you put the blunt, reverse

36:51

it, you know, so you push the

36:53

smoke out. Yeah. Right? And

36:56

then you take the bag and you zip it up near your head.

36:59

And then you fucking blow the weed smoke. And

37:02

then you unzip it enough to take the blunt out, hand

37:04

it off, and then you just squeeze the bag until you

37:06

breathe it. I don't know how to do it. Wow. But

37:09

we were always trying to do stuff. We were always trying to

37:11

do it off the nose. Wait, what's that? Off

37:13

the hand. Sorry, where you lick your hand and then you blow

37:16

it. We would do nosies off the hand, which is where

37:18

you turn the blunt around, blow it, and

37:20

you do a shotgun on the hand. Yes.

37:23

And then you do a line on it. Into your nose.

37:25

Oh yeah. That was what we

37:27

were trying to do. Shotguns were the

37:29

shit. You guys do the strikeout? Well,

37:31

strikeout. Strikeout was when you took the

37:33

rip of the blunt and then you

37:36

chug a beer, do a shot. Oh yeah. Oh

37:38

yeah. That was the fucking... We were trying to

37:40

go 9 innings. Yeah. That was the best. That's

37:42

like a power hour where you do a shot

37:44

of beer, then every 10 minutes you do a

37:46

Texas power hour, which is a shot of beer

37:48

once a minute. And

37:50

then at the 10 minute mark you do a shot of Jack and

37:52

you do that for an hour. Yeah. And

37:54

then you throw up. And you play Thunderfucked. And if

37:56

you don't throw up, you're fucked. You don't throw up,

37:58

you're Gary Soder's son. That's right. Oh,

38:01

really? You just tagged yours. I

38:04

was drinking like a goddamn nom-vet when I was 17. I

38:07

could fucking go. Were you

38:09

doing the handles where you bite off the thing

38:11

that makes it come out slow? Remember doing that,

38:13

biting off the plastic piece? Yeah. And then you...

38:17

I grew up in Colorado, but I

38:19

went to college in Arizona. So that

38:21

goes from altitude. So I was superhuman

38:23

when I went to college. Oh, that's

38:25

right. Dude, I'm

38:27

fine in Colorado, but my

38:30

ex-boyfriend got so fucked up there that he could

38:32

not... The only thing he could say

38:34

was, J-bo? Which

38:36

was his nickname for me. I'd be like, are you okay? And

38:41

then we went in and we were shaking my hands. And he's

38:43

like, what's going on? And he's like, J-bo. And he would not

38:45

say any other words. Love it. We were

38:47

ripping gravity bongs upstairs. I've been here since 2007.

38:50

And we were ripping gravity bongs upstairs. And we

38:52

got one of those repeaters where the only thing

38:54

he could say was hot dog bong. Dude, I

38:57

just pulled this story to Katie before I left. Hot

38:59

dog bong. Anyone I grew up

39:02

with, and if you were there in the kitchen that day, it

39:04

was called the foosball. One of my best friends, Michael

39:06

Fudjak, I'll give his full eagle name. Upstanding

39:09

citizen now. Shout out Fudjak probably one

39:11

day at a time. Fudjak? Fud-tang?

39:16

Fuh-hang? Fuh-hang? Fuh-hang?

39:18

So we were

39:20

doing gravity bong hits, the picture I showed you.

39:22

We were doing those. I

39:25

had to go fucking like three each. You

39:27

know? Yes! And he's in my kitchen.

39:31

He's in my kitchen. And I stand in there

39:33

and he just goes, ugh. And

39:35

then he collapsed. And then he

39:37

went and threw up. And we were like, what

39:40

was that? And we just called it a foosball.

39:42

So it was a foosball. That's where you're like,

39:44

dude, let's get foosball. And you just want to

39:46

get so high that you're a foosball. Anyways,

39:49

back to your moms after hours at the bar. So

39:51

we're in there and we got two coats. We

39:54

got way too high. Yeah. And then

39:56

we go out and we're like, Brianna's

39:58

like, dude, I can't find my coat. And I was like, this

40:01

is gonna sound crazy, but I also can't find my

40:03

coat. And we were like, so then we

40:05

high searched the entire salon and we're like, this doesn't make

40:07

sense. And we're like, I think

40:10

somebody came in, stole the coats and

40:12

left while we were in the back room. But we were

40:14

like, we're too high, that's not true. So we scoured and

40:17

then we went up into my mom's room and my mom

40:19

did not care how fucked up. She was like, what? And

40:22

we were like, we're too high to call the cops, but they

40:24

stole like our phones, our jackets, our wallets, and

40:26

she was like, fuck you. And we were like, all right, so we have to

40:28

do it. So we called the cops.

40:32

Call the police? We had to, we

40:34

were so poor, we didn't get our little flip phones. 911

40:37

or the actual cops? 911, 911, 911, we were so high. Oh

40:41

my God. And then, there ain't no coming back

40:43

from that one. We're like, okay,

40:46

just whatever you do, just like try and

40:48

keep it together. We're like eye dropping and

40:50

it smells like weed. And what happens is

40:52

they jump and we're like, keeping it together.

40:54

One guy is interrogating us, slash

40:56

like flirting with us. Yeah, where he's like,

40:58

so? You guys are naughty

41:00

little girl. Do you think your boyfriend took

41:02

the coat? Yeah. Did you guys watch Nickelodeon?

41:04

Yeah. You ever milked a potato? He

41:09

was like, probably get you going. Are you a little

41:11

bit of Drake or a little bit of Josh? You both

41:13

Drake and Josh? That means bottom of the top.

41:16

That's kid love and talk right there. He's

41:18

like, yeah, I'm gonna have

41:20

a break. Okay, touch nine. Yeah,

41:22

dude, touch nine. Touch nine. Well

41:25

then, the cops come and one of

41:27

us is talking to us and we're all we are.

41:29

Our mission is to not make eye

41:31

contact because we know it's game over.

41:33

Yeah, and weed's illegal. Weed

41:35

is illegal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we can't because

41:37

we know it will happen. What state is this

41:39

in? New York. New York. Oh

41:42

yeah, platform narcotics. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this

41:44

is Giuliani days. Yes. Yeah. And

41:46

then we go, and then one of

41:49

the guys is doing this like the cringiest search.

41:51

Like he's like, is there a crawl space? And he's appearing out

41:53

of nowhere and being like, I'll run up the ladder and then

41:55

go see on the roof. And we're like, the roof? And he

41:57

was like, I'll go around. Like it was like his first day.

42:00

He was being impressive but so cringe. You know when you're

42:02

high and you watch a movie and you're like, this is so gay?

42:04

That was him. So we're like, we're already brimming.

42:06

Like we're like, dude, I'm gonna fucking lose it.

42:09

And then we get outside or out in the snow

42:11

and we're like, dude, we're in the clear. They're about to say

42:13

goodbye to us, right? And the one guy goes, can you describe

42:15

your coat? He

42:18

goes, I was like, they're both navy blue.

42:21

They are like long. And then he was like, are

42:23

they puffer coats? And we're like, what, they're what? And

42:25

then me and Brianna got caught in a little vortex

42:27

for a second where we were like, they're caught and

42:29

they're a little, they're, they're, they're, they're for a little

42:31

too long. Yeah, so then he turns and we're like

42:33

about to break. And then he turns and he goes, he

42:35

goes, fuck you, dog. He goes, two navy blue coats long.

42:37

And then he turns away from me and he goes, fairly

42:40

puffy. And we drop. That's

42:42

so funny. I drop to

42:45

my knees and hit the snow, I remember. And

42:47

I'm covering my face and I'm laughing so hard

42:49

and I'm like almost dry heaving, I'm laughing. And

42:51

I remember being like, if she, she's

42:53

gonna be so mad. And then I like

42:55

look up and she's also down on the

42:57

ground. And they were just standing there being

42:59

like, fairly puffy, fairly

43:02

puffy. So like, fairly puffy,

43:04

fairly puffy. Dude, that's so fucking great. Because

43:06

he was like hanging in suspension what he

43:08

was possibly gonna say. He was

43:10

like, partially puffy. Yeah, like what could he find? And he

43:13

like knocked it around or he was like, good

43:15

baby. But he was still trying to be so cool. And he was

43:17

just fairly puffy. So some

43:19

guy came in, I remember this was crazy.

43:23

She was raised by like drug addicts, my best

43:26

friend. But they came in, they stole the, or

43:28

a guy came in, stole the coat, used it

43:30

to call a church, a sex hotline. And

43:32

then ditched them next to the lawn. Used the coat to

43:34

call? There was a phone in the coat. And

43:36

then ditched them right next to the house. And

43:39

the cops found them and we got them back. And I remember them

43:41

being like, do you wanna press charges? And I was kind of like,

43:43

sure. And she was like, no, no, we're not gonna make him deal

43:45

with the police. I was like, what are we, 15? How

43:47

do you know this? And then we didn't. Oh

43:49

man, when young- Tough knives, Brianna. Yeah,

43:52

when young people know about

43:54

stuff like that, you go,

43:56

you've had a tough life. Her dad

43:59

got framed. for acid and put

44:01

away for 11 years. Wow.

44:03

Wow. I mean framed as in he was

44:05

selling it but the guy was like can

44:07

I buy some and he was like I mean

44:09

he got set up. Set up. Yeah. Yeah

44:11

that's not framed. That's so funny. But he

44:13

was doing it. I'm

44:16

gonna follow that.

44:20

Okay. Okay. Okay.

44:22

He framed means framed for selling it

44:24

to a normal guy. In reality he

44:27

was a cop. He was a drug

44:29

dealer and he got caught. He got

44:31

stung. He got stung. He got stung.

44:33

He got stung. He was

44:35

rightfully convicted. Yeah yeah yeah

44:37

yeah. But also I think he might not

44:40

have been selling but he just had it and they

44:42

caught him for selling. Okay. Like

44:44

they're like can I have somebody who's like. I

44:46

wouldn't be interested to open the case file. Yeah

44:48

yeah yeah yeah. I'm interested to read over the

44:50

statements made. Yeah. It's very great. And comb through

44:52

it. Yeah. Benefit of the doubt. I

44:55

think he follows the Grateful Dead now so I'm pretty

44:57

sure. Yeah. He's right where he's born. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone

44:59

falls to where they're supposed to be. Yeah. Yeah. What's

45:01

your sad one? Oh. Oh

45:03

yeah. Okay. His

45:06

episode should be called Fairly Puffy or Foosbazz. Yeah. Foosbazz. Foosbazz. We used to go

45:08

off fishing out. When we would do computer duster. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

45:10

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

45:12

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

45:14

favourite I

46:00

didn't start getting like fucked up

46:02

until 22. Oh, that's your problem. Yeah

46:08

Start late you start fast. Yeah, you

46:10

know granted well that Jordan and I's

46:12

developmental brain Episode

46:17

this is the longest I've gone since

46:19

I was 15 without getting absolutely. Yeah.

46:21

Yeah, so I'm feeling Accidentally

46:24

contact I the other day on skanks. Oh,

46:26

yeah, they smoke Incredible I was

46:28

like no, why do I have any problem?

46:31

It's terrible on stage. I know I was

46:33

also panicking I felt really good. I'm excited

46:35

to come back to in June. We're

46:37

already planning the meal on the pod and No,

46:41

I'm thinking it's gotta be bad like a lifetime

46:44

like a Steven Seagal That

46:49

rule so I was gonna get high and go to the dog park

46:51

and make voices for every dog I don't

46:53

like Manhattan dog parks. We live in Manhattan.

46:55

What are the Brooklyn? I mean, but getting

46:57

fat Myrtle on a train and then taking

46:59

her out and then you don't like the Manhattan Suck,

47:02

they're all concrete. They like

47:05

Central Park. We go to the

47:07

Madison Square Park Sucks.

47:09

Yeah, it's like a giant. It's

47:12

just like a there's a hump that she likes.

47:14

I'll chase her up the hump She

47:16

doesn't fuck around. She's very particular with

47:18

dogs that she plays with Really snooty

47:20

fat. Mm-hmm. How what type of dog?

47:22

Yeah, but just super much really

47:25

guys really look a little terrier Okay,

47:27

most like a mostly terrier. Yeah

47:31

Yeah, who wouldn't want a casserole?

47:34

Yeah, it's a mixture of everything. So

47:36

you're doing duster. Oh, okay. That's a good death

47:40

Wait, you never did duster. No, I never

47:42

go. I did I smoke coke war. I

47:44

never did coke You know what the last

47:46

time I ever did duster I

47:49

was teaching and I were a teacher

47:51

lived upstairs Yeah, yeah, so I I've

47:53

been in this pharmacist 2007 it

47:56

was parent-teacher conferences and on the way home

47:58

from school to go home and get all

48:00

like the notes and everything. I was

48:02

like, you know what, treat yourself. So I stopped off

48:05

at a PC Richard to go to play with the

48:07

doctor. Oh my God. Did you buy a case? You

48:09

get a half-rack of Duster? Oh my God. No, it

48:11

was like $7. So I came

48:13

home, I did a ton of Duster. Also, you're the reason they

48:16

don't sell that shit anymore. Yeah? I got

48:18

a PlayStation just clumped up with Duster that

48:20

I need to get rid of. And it's because people like

48:22

you can't buy fucking Duster. What does

48:24

it feel like? It's like whipping time. Does

48:27

it feel like whipping time? Did you talk like this?

48:29

Really? It's like whipping time is

48:31

a million. You will hallucinate more than you ever

48:33

have in your entire life. I swear

48:35

to God, I was in my bedroom one time, doing

48:38

Duster, having a barbecue in my backyard with

48:40

my best friends, full conversations. And I come

48:42

out of it, my mom's standing over me

48:44

going, Oh my God. Ian, are you dead?

48:46

Because I kept going, I'm thinking,

48:48

I'm like talking out loud. She's

48:51

like, your father died in hell,

48:53

you! And it was terrible. She

48:55

could hear me in my room

48:57

being like, damn.

49:01

So anyway, I was doing a pair of

49:03

teachers. Oh my God, that's not the sad

49:05

story. No, no, no, no, no,

49:07

no. That was an appetizer. That

49:10

was a little Amus Pouche. That was

49:12

an Amus Pouche of mine. Alone you were doing it? What?

49:16

So the last time I did

49:18

Duster with upstairs, I was

49:20

sitting in on my couch and

49:23

I just remember doing Duster. And then I

49:25

woke up face down in

49:27

a pile of my own vomit in my bedroom

49:29

and my face was blue and I was freezing

49:32

cold. And I don't know if I did or

49:34

not, but I think I did die. And

49:36

then tonight is in my ear for like nine

49:38

to 12 months. Damn. You

49:41

don't know if you died or not? And then for

49:43

a while, I could not. Dude, it was

49:45

like, I would be like, you

49:47

know when we all COVID brain? And you would

49:49

feel like you're going for a file and it's just not there in

49:51

your hair. It was that for like a year. You're trying to write

49:53

jokes after you got COVID. Bro, terrible. I can't believe it is. Oh,

49:56

terrible. But that's not a bad story. I

50:02

would bet when you die and God goes

50:04

through your highlight tape you guys don't see

50:06

you die for a little bit you've been

50:08

here before I bet you don't remember it

50:10

oh yeah he goes you're here

50:12

for like five minutes for something back well my

50:14

body came back came to visit me the next

50:16

day and I picked him up with a case

50:18

of King Corbir's and I was like man do

50:20

I got a story for you yeah and he

50:22

I he ended up doing duster and I was

50:24

like I'm off the stuff yeah my friends

50:27

used to have to hide it for me I was like

50:29

addicted to duster damn yeah what's

50:31

the sad story? Broke in your brain a

50:33

little. Oh totally

50:35

yeah I've never been the same

50:37

since really oh totally I used

50:40

to be so fucking

50:42

smart and intelligent I am still

50:44

but it was on like a level of like whoa

50:47

you're like a really smart guy

50:49

and like ever it's like yeah

50:51

you know like Gary Busey was a great actor and

50:53

then he got that head injury. Do you think you're

50:55

happier now though? Why because

50:57

I'm stupid yeah yeah great question

50:59

yeah you know what I mean do you think it because

51:01

I watched that thing on the New York Times I don't mean to

51:04

laugh in the New York Times

51:07

a man hung himself yeah and that you

51:09

got sued for 28 million but there

51:11

is the way they the way they edit it

51:14

was really fucked up where they're like he hung

51:16

himself it's really fucked up and then they go he got

51:18

minor brain damage in the next picture he goes

51:20

from like thug like a badass fucking dude to

51:22

this like happy he's like yeah

51:24

there's this there's joy and

51:27

simplicity yeah where he goes

51:29

yeah I love it yeah

51:31

you know what dude that

51:34

fucking pink of that metal you spin

51:36

on your head keep it simple stupid

51:38

you know yeah so what's the sad

51:40

one? Oh by the way I'm still

51:42

smart I don't know if you made

51:44

it harder at some point I don't

51:47

believe that. I went

51:49

to NYU. You did? That

51:52

is pretty good. Yeah is it? Pretty good. You

51:55

got an incredible institution. You

51:57

got good grades in high school. And by the way let me tell

51:59

you this right now. my ass off though. I wasn't

52:01

natural. I was like work hard smart. But

52:05

what? I believe that because you're not

52:07

rich and the people who get into

52:09

NYU that aren't rich are smart or

52:11

good student. Thank you. Did you do the duster

52:13

at NYU? Well,

52:15

it was after.

52:18

Okay. Okay.

52:20

So, but I did fail out first

52:22

semester and I had to take in

52:24

completes because I stopped going to class. I just

52:26

drank all the time and then I would go to class drunk

52:28

and I get kicked out and then I lied

52:30

and was like, I was in rehab. I'm

52:32

sorry. And I was like shaking and they were like,

52:35

Oh my God, I just thought I was like sick,

52:37

but it was like withdrawal. And

52:39

then, uh, me and my

52:41

friends would laugh about that. Like, ah, and then

52:43

like, uh, two years later I was in rehab.

52:46

Yeah. Well, you know, natural progression. Guess what?

52:48

That's why I never get out of gigs

52:50

with a lie. I'm never like I have

52:52

a semester. There's a college in one semester.

52:54

I worked at the gym. I worked at

52:56

a restaurant. I student taught and

52:58

I got it all done on

53:01

the level. Good for you.

53:03

And then later, duster,

53:05

and you got dusty roads. And

53:08

I got, you got graphic

53:11

week ago and then you got gosh,

53:14

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like it, like it

53:17

when it says wasted on

53:19

GTA, like duster, just a

53:21

bunch of kids names and

53:23

gold stars. They do their

53:25

homework and I'm just like, you start

53:27

adding because you're in classrooms with duster.

53:30

No, I started dusting because I was

53:32

hanging out with my buddy Justin and

53:35

we couldn't find weed and we were

53:37

all at my house. I do remember

53:39

this, the weed desperation. I remember opening,

53:42

opening up other

53:44

people's roaches and

53:47

opening them up and putting them in joints and

53:49

smoking that. We called it penny pushing. You would

53:51

take the, uh, the cigarette lighter in the car

53:53

and you'd find little things of weed in like

53:55

the cup holder. You'd put it in this thing

53:57

and push it with a penny. And then Suck

54:00

it all you know we broke into my dad's

54:02

house, and he was naked and chased us with a

54:04

bat me and Brianna Yeah, you want because you want to

54:06

weed was he on doctor so much

54:08

weed He didn't know it was us, but he came down

54:10

naked with a bat money. Do you know how fun that

54:13

is running away from? That's the

54:15

fun. That's a good spin Laughing

54:18

while run that's the best Yeah,

54:22

you're like I

54:25

am my last real gravity

54:27

bong hit Moment was in

54:29

college, and I lived with a weed dealer,

54:31

and he was gone, and I just went

54:33

into his room He didn't keep his door

54:36

unlocked that day, and I was with

54:38

a buddy, and I was like dude We

54:42

did like for each yeah, and I

54:44

was out of practice and He

54:47

left He's I

54:50

was by myself, and I was on the patio, and I

54:52

was like it lives in Arizona So I thought I had

54:54

like a prickly you know like yes prickly things I was

54:56

like prickly in my shirt. I was

54:58

like. I don't know my fucking chest just

55:01

wrong cigarette, and I was like

55:05

Look at chest hurts, and this

55:07

was internet was just 2003

55:11

and I went on webmd

55:13

and I typed in chest hurt arm numb

55:15

And it's like heart attack and I went

55:17

to the emergency room Got

55:20

I was like one of the people who's done

55:22

it I did it and what happened the funniest

55:24

part was when I went in Grimey

55:33

two songs are grimy acid a lot of

55:35

math. Yeah, especially no three a lot of

55:38

math. Yeah, we still but The

55:40

lady that interviewed me the nurse she

55:43

was like are you on drugs, and

55:45

I was like yeah weed she's like You

55:48

do any coke because I said I was having a heart attack.

55:50

Yeah, right she goes in The

55:53

way she's not going like that made you come

55:55

down. She was like it I

55:57

was like what and she kept going are you on

55:59

coke? And I was like, no.

56:02

She was like, are you on methamphetamines? And I was like, no.

56:06

I took gravity-balling hits. And her

56:08

look of like, you

56:10

fucking pussy. Like, it

56:13

was night shift, and she was just like, dude. That's

56:15

great. That's good. We got some real problems

56:17

in the lobby. So what was it? It was just a

56:19

panic attack? I blew a muscle and I started them from

56:22

coughing. Yeah! Yeah!

56:24

Because I was like, ugh! Yeah! And

56:26

I fucking blew something. Oh, yeah. Oh

56:28

my god. And you

56:31

don't know. One time I fainted at the wheel because

56:33

I was so high, and something was happening. I was

56:35

like, I feel so much pain. There's something going on.

56:37

And I passed out while driving. I fainted. Holy

56:39

shit. I was going like two miles an hour

56:41

late at night. Passed out, woke up, called my

56:43

mom. My mom like pulls me into her truck.

56:45

I remember trying to climb into the truck and

56:47

be like, I can't. And I had got my

56:49

period. Really? It was just period. I, wow.

56:52

Because you can't identify what the pain is. You're

56:54

like, I don't know what's going on. My mom

56:56

dated this guy Randy. Yes, right there. Who we

56:58

called clown hair. He had

57:00

like the cul-de-sac, but it was like, no, it

57:03

was like, good. Go all the way around. Fuck you.

57:05

Go ahead. But it was all the way around. He

57:07

was like, who are you? I hope your tailbone snaps

57:09

in half. It already has. Your cuckics. And

57:12

it was, so Randy was a pothead.

57:15

And he went to Hawaii with my mom. And my mom was

57:17

like, if you keep the house all right, it's my

57:19

senior year. So we partied like a motherfucker. She's like,

57:21

if you keep the house all right, I'll

57:23

give you some of Randy's weed. And there was like, good

57:27

weed. Okay. And I was like, dude.

57:30

Yeah. Good red

57:33

hair. Oh yeah. Light green,

57:35

bolder. Yeah. And I was

57:37

like, all right, cool. I'll fucking yeah. And

57:39

I remember I was going to watch the

57:41

finals of the NCAA tournament and it

57:43

was Arizona versus Duke. And my friend that was going

57:45

to Duke was at my friend's house. I was going

57:47

to Arizona. So we were like, I was gonna get

57:49

high. We're gonna watch the game, talk shit. She's

57:53

like, do you want that Randy weed? And he put it

57:55

in my cellophane for my cigarette. Yeah. And

57:57

so I was like, yeah. And I fucking open it up. I'll do an.

58:00

attitude adjustment before I go over to Chad's. Fucking

58:03

pack one, rip it by myself, pack,

58:07

pack. And then I'm like, and

58:09

I get in the car and I start driving down my

58:11

street and I swear to God it goes. I

58:15

was just like

58:17

pulled over. I

58:19

parked my car and I walked in back in

58:21

my mom's house and she's like, what are you

58:24

doing here? And I go, man,

58:26

that shit is fucking good. And someone came and picked

58:28

me up. I was like, I'm fucking. Dude,

58:31

my dad had the best dad weed. Now

58:33

I want it like the shake, but one time we had a

58:36

party at his house out. It's like on a farm and

58:38

my friends came and they all grow weed. Like

58:40

they're all just had like the cushiest and

58:43

they were like, Jack, come on. We'll get

58:45

you high for once. And I

58:47

just remember my dad getting high and then

58:49

looking at me dropping his sunglasses

58:51

down over and going, going for a

58:53

walk. And he walked around forever. So

58:56

my mom let me smoke weed at my house as

58:58

long as I didn't drive. Yeah, that was my mom's

59:01

thing. Even my mom

59:03

was so long as you leave. Yeah. Even

59:05

with the Randy thing, but it had to be in the garage. It could never be in the house.

59:07

My garage was the spot. Yeah. My

59:10

garage was the spot where like we had the barn. Everybody

59:13

knew if you came to my garage, yeah. Yeah.

59:16

So there were times my mom pulled up. My

59:18

mom was like a professional worked at an insurance

59:20

company. So she'd come home shoulder padded

59:22

up. Yeah. High heels on or whatever

59:24

with a briefcase. Yeah. And

59:27

I was like, Marcus and Marcus and me smoking

59:29

blunts. And they'd be like, what's up, Trish? Yeah.

59:31

Hey guys, Dan. Dinner's at 6.30. Yeah. I

59:34

was like walking in. I was like my

59:37

cousin Brian's house. Yeah, dude. So we always would

59:39

be high. Ours was that house. People would just

59:41

show up. They're like, they're in the barn. My

59:43

mom would be like, garage you.

59:45

One time I told the story before, but it's so funny.

59:48

We backed my mom

59:50

and my car out of our garage. Yeah.

59:53

And we had a pony keg. And we probably had

59:55

a good 30 people drinking in my garage.

59:57

Yeah. And my mom would go to bed.

1:00:00

in the morning. So my mom would go to bed at like 9 p.m.

1:00:02

and so my mom was

1:00:04

like, she comes downstairs, I

1:00:07

think I had a pager all the time, and she paged

1:00:09

me, which meant like come inside we got to talk. And

1:00:11

I go inside and she's got a robe and she's like,

1:00:13

it's getting loud out there. And I

1:00:15

go, oh yeah, it's like me and the

1:00:17

guys, like my friend's six friends, and I

1:00:20

just remember her going, it's getting

1:00:22

real loud out there. And I go, I'm gonna tell

1:00:24

them to shut up. And I was fucked up. I

1:00:26

was like fucked up. And I opened, she went upstairs,

1:00:28

I made sure she went upstairs, like stood by the

1:00:30

stairs until she went to her

1:00:33

room. And I go down, we had like a hallway into our garage

1:00:35

and I opened the garage and I'm like, damn.

1:00:37

And it was packed with people

1:00:39

with keg cups. I was like, oh this

1:00:41

is a full on party on a Thursday

1:00:43

night on a school night, just at my

1:00:45

house. I was like, you guys gotta go.

1:00:47

This is kind of wild. But my

1:00:50

mom was always like, you know,

1:00:52

her and my dad used to party in

1:00:54

San Francisco in the seventies. She let it be

1:00:56

known. Our pen jar in our kitchen,

1:00:58

one time I was on the phone with

1:01:00

somebody and I was like spitting the pen around and the

1:01:02

whole jar came around and it said dope. And

1:01:05

I asked you later, I go, what is it? Because

1:01:08

that was our dope jar. And so I used it

1:01:10

as a pen jar. And I was like, where is

1:01:12

that? Yeah. Like I sold it in a garage sale

1:01:14

and you're like, no, that would have been my weed

1:01:16

jar. Absolutely. Shout out to the dope jar. And

1:01:19

they also just wanted me, they were like,

1:01:22

just stay here. Just stay on the

1:01:24

premises. That's what my mom wanted. And you can drink

1:01:26

as much as you want. Do whatever you want. So

1:01:28

our house became, and people don't understand that. People go

1:01:30

like, oh it's so atrocious. No, it's safe. Because

1:01:32

people were like getting fucked up. But

1:01:35

then it was the dreaded habit. My

1:01:37

other people's parents were pissed. My buddy's

1:01:40

house in Glen Mills, we

1:01:42

would all go in and the basement was like

1:01:44

the spot and they had a door that led

1:01:46

to outside and that was always open. So

1:01:48

kids, we didn't have to go through the

1:01:50

house. They knew and it was just enter

1:01:53

exit. That's what ours was. Ours was we

1:01:55

had a third car garage. And so you

1:01:57

would pick up the third garage and just.

1:02:00

That wasn't a time to the yeah,

1:02:02

yeah, yeah lift it up and be like come on

1:02:04

in yeah, we'll get fucked up Yeah, we could go

1:02:06

into and we had the barn if it was warm

1:02:08

out and dude one time so my

1:02:10

mom builds I get to it finally

1:02:12

mom builds this like community right so it's like five.

1:02:15

It's called a five to one So it's like five

1:02:17

houses on a property On

1:02:19

building those well now she's building another one.

1:02:21

I keep seeing her Instagram, and I'm like

1:02:23

is she building a compound yeah? Yeah, it's

1:02:26

like a sustainable community right so at one

1:02:28

point I look forward to watching the Netflix

1:02:30

documentary right goes sour yeah Watch

1:02:34

at one point there already has been cheating amongst

1:02:36

the houses with husbands crazy

1:02:38

Yeah, and then we lost

1:02:40

I was like in the house, and there's this dude there.

1:02:42

I was fucking it was like this super hot farmer

1:02:46

Idiot yeah, so misty country ball. Oh

1:02:48

is that the guy's no rip showed

1:02:50

up to your dad's funeral shirtless No,

1:02:52

that was another farmer very close that

1:02:54

that one was dude But

1:02:57

and then we like I like lost

1:02:59

him at some point I was like maybe you left he doesn't

1:03:01

want to fuck I don't know and I was like I don't

1:03:03

know and then later Later,

1:03:06

I'm looking out And I

1:03:08

see I hear my mom going Jordan and

1:03:10

I thought she sounded really mad And she never really got

1:03:12

mad at me, and I was like whoa whoa what's going

1:03:14

on and I come out and she's not mad She's laughing

1:03:16

hysterically, and he's over in one of the

1:03:19

other houses for here Wearing

1:03:21

only underwear, and he keeps going. I'm gonna

1:03:23

clean it up And

1:03:27

I thought I was like oh, I'm dead

1:03:29

and I look at my mom is like

1:03:31

crying laughing He could not give

1:03:33

it again. Do you think? Yeah,

1:03:37

and he's like sorry, but But

1:03:40

he's like in a caged in like poor

1:03:42

chair like this is where my this in

1:03:44

my house I live in your house Well

1:03:47

dude talk about your parents getting too high so

1:03:49

my mom was like on your 18th birthday will

1:03:51

smoke Yeah, and I was like done.

1:03:54

There's a restaurant in Denver called McCormick Which was

1:03:56

like fancy yeah, it's probably now

1:03:58

if I look at be like

1:04:00

mid but like also was like we're gonna

1:04:02

go get oysters at McCormick's yeah oh

1:04:05

ours is Harry yeah so for my

1:04:07

18th birthday I was like mom let's

1:04:10

get high and go to

1:04:12

McCormick's and get oysters she's like let's

1:04:15

do it same thing got her

1:04:17

high she was like this

1:04:19

has been a while I just remember

1:04:21

her being so good we

1:04:23

went down to McCormick's and she was like come on

1:04:26

Trish my dad baked and pulled

1:04:40

me into the worst scenarios and now later in

1:04:42

life I realized that he didn't want to do

1:04:44

things alone cuz he was too high yeah I

1:04:46

was like why did I go to that business

1:04:48

meeting you know I'm like oh cuz he was

1:04:50

skilled I remember him like leaning over and being

1:04:53

like can you pass me the

1:04:55

ketchup and like why are you talking so

1:04:57

weird well we that's

1:05:00

the thing about your mom is hilarious cuz

1:05:02

when I was right before I

1:05:04

went to detox one time my mom was like

1:05:06

I'm coming over and I'm showing

1:05:08

you what it looks like when you get no way

1:05:10

my mom came to my one-bedroom

1:05:13

apartment fucking wreck what did she drink

1:05:16

she is drinking straight vodka just like

1:05:18

me I remember I remember being like

1:05:20

fine you want to see

1:05:30

it hit that gravity ball woman

1:05:37

in the world so for her going like yeah

1:05:42

and then we're sitting table

1:05:44

yeah and I'm playing a

1:05:46

fucking mixtape my dad made

1:05:48

and and crying

1:05:51

we're both crying finally for the

1:05:53

first time we talk about my

1:05:55

dad died and I'm like we

1:05:58

went through some shit man That's

1:06:00

a bonding experience. Oh

1:06:03

yeah. And then the next morning I wake up. Dude.

1:06:07

Dude. My. This

1:06:09

is what it looks like when angels cry.

1:06:13

And she's like fucking bah. She's

1:06:16

fucking freebasing. I'm gonna

1:06:18

rob the liquor store. She's

1:06:20

doing fucking duster. I'm

1:06:22

gonna see your dad. And

1:06:25

you're like no. God damn it. God

1:06:27

damn it. This is

1:06:30

what it looks like when dogs

1:06:32

cry. Dude the next morning she's puking in

1:06:34

the toilet. I'll go just drink this. You'll

1:06:36

feel better giving her what's left over the

1:06:38

vodka. I'm fucking slamming it. She's like how

1:06:40

do you do this? I go well you

1:06:42

take one of these and you smoke one

1:06:45

of these. But that's not

1:06:47

even the fucking the gravity bong story.

1:06:50

This is whatever. We

1:06:52

were in my buddy Justin's basement and

1:06:54

they're like you've never done a gravity

1:06:56

bong? And I'm like no let's go.

1:06:59

So they're making it real fucking creamy for

1:07:01

me. Yeah get it fucking

1:07:04

grain. So I fucking do it. And

1:07:06

I'm sitting there laughing. We're having fun. And

1:07:08

then the last thing I remember and everything

1:07:11

else is told to me. The

1:07:13

last thing I remember is I look at my buddy and

1:07:15

I'm like was he proud of me? I'm

1:07:17

like what? I'm like I think my

1:07:19

dad's proud of me. And they're like

1:07:21

yeah yeah man. I go I'm just so

1:07:24

sad. And he goes here man just keep

1:07:26

drinking. I go yeah

1:07:28

you're right. And then the next thing

1:07:30

I know it's the morning and I'm

1:07:32

like waking up. I'm

1:07:35

alone in the basement. I go upstairs. My

1:07:37

buddy's room is locked. And I'm like yo wake

1:07:40

up what the fuck. I was like you want

1:07:42

to do another G-Bong? And from the other side

1:07:44

of the door he's like nah man you gotta

1:07:46

go. And I'm like what what's

1:07:48

wrong? Takes him in and he comes out he

1:07:50

goes do you know what you did last night? I go no. And

1:07:53

he goes you just started crying and you passed

1:07:55

out. And then you tried to

1:07:57

bite your fingers off. Oh my god.

1:08:00

Did on top of you and then you

1:08:02

you promised that you were gonna stop Oh,

1:08:04

let you go and you grabbed a knife

1:08:06

and we did take it out of your

1:08:08

hand Two

1:08:10

of my friends the biggest dude sat on

1:08:12

top of me and then like I think we have to call 911 I

1:08:14

was overpowering them and then I just

1:08:17

passed out and They

1:08:19

refused to do drugs with me Never

1:08:30

be able to track my crimes And

1:08:36

and in my mind I remember

1:08:38

cuz I was like man I had a fucked

1:08:40

up dream and in my mind I had a dream

1:08:43

that I was that I killed everyone

1:08:45

in my friend's house. Shut out and Said

1:08:49

that I kept going is this real is this

1:08:51

real because in my dream like I was like,

1:08:53

oh my god I'm what you're doing. Yeah, what

1:08:55

you're doing? Yeah. Well, you know, it's fucking crazy

1:08:57

You say that when I quit when I go

1:08:59

visit my grandma and stop smoking weed for like

1:09:02

a week We talked about vivid dreams. I Had

1:09:05

a dream at my grandma's when I was sleeping that

1:09:07

I shot a guy in the stomach and

1:09:09

that I ran and it was so Realistic.

1:09:12

Yeah that when I woke up I went

1:09:19

On the bed for like 15 minutes with my head in my

1:09:21

hands like Oh

1:09:24

my I'll have a dream

1:09:26

that I wake up and I'm hideous like I'm

1:09:29

400 pounds I cut all my hair off and I'm like I

1:09:31

just have to deal with it and the whole dream is me

1:09:33

being like What if I do? Never

1:09:44

forget being like we're all

1:09:46

my friends and they're just Second

1:09:55

I heard someone go you need to leave

1:09:58

like in a formal way You'd be like, fuck,

1:10:01

dude, my senior year, I

1:10:03

had a crush on this girl and she had a

1:10:05

boyfriend, and we ended up hanging out a lot. Like,

1:10:07

really? Yeah. I was always that person. Yeah,

1:10:10

and then we made out a bunch. And I was like,

1:10:12

I never got there. And I was like, dude, this

1:10:14

is love. This is love and this is Roman

1:10:16

and Juliet, then we can't be together. And then

1:10:19

she told her boyfriend who I knew, and then

1:10:21

it was like, it blew everything up. And she

1:10:23

was like, we can never talk again, we can

1:10:25

do all this. Dude, I went home, I remember

1:10:27

exactly what it was. She just had a fake ID.

1:10:30

I bought a liter of absolute Le

1:10:32

Mans. How old are you? Yeah.

1:10:36

Absolute Le Mans. Such nice. Such

1:10:38

nice, dude. I took a pint glass and

1:10:42

I filled it full of vodka, turned it

1:10:44

down, filled another pint glass full of vodka,

1:10:47

took it down, smoked a whole pack of cigarettes,

1:10:49

sitting in my driver's seat in my car in the garage,

1:10:52

listening to Dave Matthews' band. Yeah.

1:10:54

Yeah. Grying. Oh,

1:10:57

I'm the villain. I'm

1:10:59

like, oh, you're crashing to

1:11:01

me. And

1:11:04

then, Fu Jack, shout out. Fu

1:11:06

Jack came over and talked to me for

1:11:09

like two hours, and I was just like

1:11:11

crying to him. But at one point, I

1:11:13

gained enough to realize that he was like,

1:11:15

dude, what? And

1:11:18

I was like, ehh. It was like that

1:11:20

feeling where you go like, you need to leave. The

1:11:22

next morning I woke up hungover and I called him,

1:11:24

I'm like, dude, I'm sorry. He's like, yeah, you were

1:11:26

going. He's very like soft spoken, and

1:11:28

he goes, yeah, you were going through

1:11:30

it. And you're like, this is the gayest I've

1:11:33

ever felt. I've never done gay stuff, but that

1:11:35

felt real gay. I hate that. I

1:11:37

did an interpretive dance in front of my ex when I was.

1:11:40

Oh. What? Yeah,

1:11:42

we have to go, but y'all that? I

1:11:45

just, I don't want to. I

1:11:47

just went, we were really drunk, and

1:11:50

I was in contact improv class, and he

1:11:52

was playing harmonica, and I started doing

1:11:54

this whole improvisational dance, thinking that I was

1:11:57

like, beautiful. Like

1:12:00

he was going like this, I'm watching an artist

1:12:02

blossom. You

1:12:05

know, I was gonna leave until he started dancing. I

1:12:08

did think that he was changing his mind. Oh, never mind.

1:12:10

What is this? I mean, it

1:12:12

was a change of mind. What were the movements

1:12:15

of the dance? You were like doing like that

1:12:17

interpretive dance. You were like, as he's blowing a

1:12:19

harmonica through, he's like... And

1:12:22

you're like... And he was really good at

1:12:24

it. Oh, that's awesome. You're enjoying the show.

1:12:26

It was a lot of the big ball.

1:12:29

Oh, he had the breathing. Oh,

1:12:31

the breath out. Oh, how many

1:12:33

of my penis go in my body? Oh,

1:12:35

my God, the breath out. That same guy

1:12:37

took a dab one time at a party.

1:12:41

And I took a dab, and we were in

1:12:43

Colorado in Boulder. And

1:12:45

this is so fucked up. But he... I

1:12:48

could handle it because I'd been smoking a lot,

1:12:50

a lot. And he couldn't handle the altitude, and

1:12:52

he got too high to speak. That was the

1:12:54

time. And then I went... I

1:12:56

was like, I feel weird. I feel

1:12:58

panicky. And I went into their bathroom.

1:13:00

It was a studio tapestry. Yeah. Over

1:13:03

the thing. And I shit like... Crazy?

1:13:07

Like... Oh, my God. Like

1:13:09

so much of... And then I come out,

1:13:11

and people are like... It takes a second, and then people

1:13:13

are like... Oh,

1:13:16

my God. What is that? What

1:13:18

the fuck is that? And

1:13:20

I said... I said, just don't

1:13:22

say anything. It's Paul. He got too fucked

1:13:24

up. That's so funny. That's

1:13:27

so funny. That's so funny. That

1:13:29

he's so fucked up, he can't even retort. He

1:13:32

has no idea. He still doesn't know how long he knows if he

1:13:34

wants to say something. That's so funny. He goes like this, and he

1:13:36

goes... What was

1:13:38

his nickname for you again? J-Bo. J-Bo.

1:13:42

J-Bo. J-Bo. J-Bo.

1:13:45

If you could interpret for him, he was going like... J-Bo. But

1:13:47

in his head, he was like, no, it can't

1:13:49

be possible. Because I was in here the entire

1:13:51

time. My daughter's like... He

1:13:53

was like... J-Bo.

1:13:56

J-Bo. J-Bo. It's

1:13:58

like the music video for One by Metallica. the

1:14:00

guy who's like, you know, because the gold

1:14:02

prison was too healthy, and it's funny. You

1:14:04

know, like Johnny Gatorgun, he's like, you know,

1:14:09

talk to her, see the emotion. I'm

1:14:11

like, you

1:14:13

know, he's mine. His mind is

1:14:15

not. It's so funny. It's

1:14:19

his ass. It's his ass. It's beautiful.

1:14:21

Like she was beautiful. I

1:14:23

love that. I'm going to

1:14:26

wrap up. All right. The fucking best. Yeah. Where

1:14:28

can everyone find whatever you want to do? I'm

1:14:30

going to be on the road. Go

1:14:32

check out two days. Watch my special on the

1:14:35

road on YouTube. So

1:14:37

to the podcast and yeah, I'll see you on

1:14:39

the road. Yes. And

1:14:42

my special is out. Oh, wow.

1:14:46

And it's crushing on the YouTube. But

1:14:49

they're freaking out. He's

1:14:51

freaking out about it. Get the fuck get out there.

1:14:53

You got to watch it. Get in there. Find out

1:14:55

what all the freaks about. I

1:14:57

can't believe I did that. I do remember being like,

1:14:59

I have an idea. Like I was like, how am

1:15:02

I going to get out and I look and the

1:15:04

man I loved was like, you know, this

1:15:06

fucking idiot. That's

1:15:09

great. That's a criminal mind. What do

1:15:11

you want to tell me? The punch

1:15:13

up dot live slash Jordan Denson for

1:15:16

all my tour dates. We

1:15:18

have a live pod in Los Angeles

1:15:20

at the Comedy Store on

1:15:22

May 7. Oh,

1:15:27

yeah. You guys are doing the Netflix joke.

1:15:29

Yeah. Are you doing it? No. Come on.

1:15:31

Come out. Everyone's there. Come on. All your

1:15:33

money from other places. That's good. I was

1:15:36

thinking about just

1:15:38

staying at the cell for me. Yeah. Thousands

1:15:40

of dollars. That's probably I'll be here. I'll

1:15:42

be here wearing all your clothes when you're gone. We

1:15:47

love you. You're all gone. They're

1:15:50

all lost. I was fucking. You. Bye.

1:15:54

Bye. Thank

1:16:10

you.