0:00

Is it infected? I don't... well it's

0:02

in my... So it will be. I'm sure it will

0:04

be. Let me see it. Oh

0:08

my god! You didn't have to spread your cheeks! I

0:12

didn't have to see inside of it! No, but I

0:14

didn't know... That is really bad! That's really bad. Bert,

0:16

that's really bad. That's really bad. Top's

0:21

off world tour. March 7th Grand

0:23

Rapids, Michigan. Toronto, Ottawa, Kingston. Next

0:25

week, Erie, Pennsylvania. Fairborn, Ohio. Atlantic

0:28

City, Salisbury, Maryland. Top's off world

0:30

tour. Can I tell

0:32

you... I'm

0:35

addicted to nicotine. Same. Dude,

0:38

I went back like two weeks after I gave

0:40

birth. Fuck, you quit. I

0:42

quit. I went back two weeks after I was on

0:44

a work call. Andy walks in, I'm vaping on the

0:46

kitchen floor. How great is it? I heard him go,

0:49

Are you fucking serious? And I ran

0:51

into our bedroom and slammed the door.

0:53

I didn't even know what to do. I was like caught. Sweet,

0:56

how hard was it? Quitting. Quitting nicotine.

0:59

I've quit a lot. Xanax

1:02

was tough to quit. How many different things do you

1:04

have? Well, these are

1:07

Oxys. No. I

1:11

would love to get them as a sponsor. It's a company called Happy Head.

1:14

And I've been on

1:16

Rogaine since I was 22 years old.

1:21

And I just saw a dude with more hair that didn't

1:23

have hair. And I said, what's up? And he goes, try

1:25

Happy Head. I think it is,

1:27

I can't read, but it's

1:29

like, I think it's a combo. You don't

1:32

think he got transplants though? No, dude,

1:34

transplants fucking work. They really work. They, your husband

1:36

got them. Andy got them. His hair looks great.

1:38

I know. Well, he's going to get another one.

1:40

Could you love him bald? No.

1:44

Can I tell you, can I tell you, Leah? Not as

1:46

much. I'll say not as much. Tom

1:51

is a more attractive person without hair, Sagura.

1:53

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's certain guys that it works for.

1:55

But if you have a thin face, you can't be

1:57

bald. And then you do, they do this thing.

1:59

Bald guys. do this thing. They think they're

2:01

fooling us or they decide to be the glasses

2:03

guy. Right. Yes.

2:07

Don't ever make me the glasses guy. If I go bald, I'm

2:09

just going fucking bald. They

2:12

do do that. You know, they're not even

2:14

prescription. They're just transition lenses.

2:16

Really? So that he can have fun. They're

2:18

not even prescription. Tom is

2:21

such a fucking house of cards.

2:23

You and Tom are fucking sisters.

2:26

I just need to know. You and Tom, you talk about Tom

2:28

the way I talk about my sister. I

2:31

never had a brother. She thinks she's fucking fooling

2:33

people with those glasses. She is not. Okay.

2:36

Can I just say one thing? She's not

2:38

fooling anybody. He puts lips in his shoes.

2:41

Shut up. Because no,

2:43

we did his first sober October. Ari wanted

2:45

to measure him. Tom's five 10. Yeah. No

2:48

one wants to be five 10. I don't understand why

2:50

five 10 is such a fucking curse. I get it.

2:52

I'm six one. So I know what it feels like

2:54

to be a giant. Yeah. But like when you hang

2:56

out with the dude who's six five. A giant and

2:58

a winner. A giant and a winner. My body is

3:00

so much better than his. I'm not even I'm not

3:02

even joking. So my body, you

3:05

just had a baby. You know. Yeah. It did.

3:08

How does your body rebounding? Incredibly.

3:11

We got great. Yeah. Well,

3:13

I think you and I are both. I'm

3:15

mostly muscle. Like I put on muscle really,

3:18

really fast. And but I also retain

3:20

fluid like a waterlogged pig. Wow.

3:23

It's crazy. I feel like I'm

3:25

talking to a mirror. Fully

3:27

loaded. My ankles were so bloated. I you

3:30

and I had the same angle. I was in my third trimester by the end of

3:32

that. I

3:37

was 275 pounds. I

3:39

was 170. Are you serious? I

3:41

swear to God. You were 170. I was

3:43

170 pounds when I fucking where's

3:46

my fucking phone? Can I grab my phone? I waited

3:48

for a year. Yeah. I

3:50

mean, I think you're not even going to get the picture. That is the

3:52

most horrifying thing I've ever seen of myself.

3:55

What do you see? It's my

3:57

knees had cellulite burp. Your knees? My

3:59

knees. I didn't even know

4:01

that was like allowed to happen. When you bent,

4:03

could you feel the tightness of the

4:05

skin? Yes. I've been there. Right

4:09

now, I can't believe that my ankles were ever

4:11

swollen. When we did the beer Olympics, me and

4:13

Shane Gilles did the beer Olympics, I

4:15

would lay down and put my feet on the wall

4:17

because they were so filled with fluid. Yeah.

4:21

Yeah. And I think that's really

4:23

unhealthy. Yeah, it's really bad. It's

4:27

really bad. It's really bad.

4:29

I'm going to show you. This is so this

4:31

is a really horrifying picture. But

4:34

look at this. Oh my God. That's you.

4:37

This is me. Hold on. Let me

4:39

see this. I'm getting my glasses. Did you

4:41

think it was you? Oh

4:43

my God. No, you'll never find that on

4:46

the internet. Can I tell you and I'm sorry

4:48

that I'm saying this, but you know my wife, you know my

4:50

daughters. Yeah. I think you look

4:52

hot. That's insane. I'm really attracted to

4:54

pregnant women. That's not that.

4:56

When Leanne was pregnant. I've

4:58

seen Leanne pregnant. Leanne looked gorgeous

5:01

pregnant. I looked like

5:03

Bob's big boy. Knees

5:05

your knees. Did

5:07

you zoom in? You have double knees. You

5:09

zoom in. I have four knees. You

5:11

have double knees. It's crazy

5:13

for. I think you look hot. That's

5:16

insane. But you're don't lie to my face.

5:18

No, no, no, no. I Leanne knows I

5:20

was more attracted Leanne pregnant. I

5:23

think Andy was more attracted. But is because I was

5:25

weak. That's

5:28

what it was. He wanted to see me weak.

5:30

Yeah. Like he was like, Oh,

5:32

this is nice. She's very soft and needs me more.

5:34

I remember the first time we had sex. Leanne

5:36

was like, I guess

5:38

you can't say this anymore. But I said it

5:41

then it was 20 years ago when

5:43

she was pregnant with Georgia. We had sex. She

5:46

goes, you know, we have to do this different. I was like, you don't

5:48

think I fucked up fat chick. I

5:51

know what we're doing. Lay on your side. I'll get behind

5:53

you. Yeah. You're

5:55

not going to get on top of it. We know why you're not getting on top of it. Did he

5:57

get crazy? Like, was she crazy horny

5:59

during her pregnancy? No, oh no and

6:01

that's my first question. How soon from giving

6:03

birth did you have sex? We

6:06

literally just did like two weeks

6:09

ago. That's grounds for divorce. I

6:11

know. That's you

6:13

know I had a c-section

6:16

I wasn't like allowed. Oh yeah

6:18

well Leanne was just a pussy. All

6:21

she did was tear. Oh my

6:24

god. All she

6:26

did was tear. I mean like old

6:28

school like frontier birth. Yeah yeah yeah.

6:31

Yeah the old apogeeotomy. I was yeah

6:33

yeah I did a joke about that.

6:35

Did they did she ask him? I

6:37

was just at Whitney's and she was like she

6:39

said she she told them not to be a

6:41

feminist about it when they were like sewing up.

6:44

Oh. She goes don't

6:46

be a feminist about it. I said my

6:48

joke was he said apogeeotomy. I didn't know

6:51

what an apogeeotomy was. Yeah. I thought we

6:53

were ordering Italian food. Yeah. He's like oh

6:55

pasta. I was like oh and

6:58

then he pulled out scissors and

7:00

I swear to god I swear to god

7:02

I thought he was gonna cut a lock

7:04

of George's hair. I

7:06

don't know why I just because they're scissors they're

7:08

real scissors. Aren't they like cartoon looking though? They're

7:10

the kind I mean this is my recollection but

7:12

they're the kind that are real long here and

7:14

then turn. Okay yeah. And so

7:17

uh and he pulled out a pair of scissors and

7:19

I thought he was gonna cut George's hair and he just went and

7:22

I said he turned her

7:25

taint into a tizant. Oh my god. And

7:27

it it it

7:29

opened up like a fucking turkey. Oh

7:32

my god. I said it looks

7:34

like a shark's mouth like just wad and

7:37

I remember seeing that and being like holy

7:40

fuck it just got very real and then George

7:42

came out immediately like just blew George out of

7:45

big head. Yeah. Um god damn.

7:47

And then the Leanne's by the way you'll if

7:49

you do Leanne's podcast today you'll talk about all

7:51

this because yeah she asked

7:54

her her her post pregnancy. Like

7:57

meaning like postpartum. No No no, no. right

7:59

after right after. The gave birth. Yeah,

8:01

they gave me the baby Georgia. And

8:04

I was ice. I was I

8:06

have a large wakes us and

8:08

steel thunder I. Created.

8:10

An energy. Where. The anesthesiologist had my

8:12

camera he was taking pictures of me with the

8:14

baby with a scar, my mouth of a good

8:16

and picks up we have the pictures and then

8:18

I took the everyone out of the room and

8:20

the woman. Just. Fucking

8:22

turn lights off. And Lesley Ann.

8:25

And now like an hour. What's good?

8:28

Or use in theory dark. And.

8:30

There was a shift change. And

8:32

they left to their for an hour as

8:34

was shivering in a puddle of shit and

8:37

piss. Oh My God. Yeah. I'd

8:39

sue now. Of she was. We

8:41

didn't find out until we're all in the

8:44

room lands room with Georgia A parents are

8:46

in their my sister's run their and like

8:48

words when I was like oh. That's

8:50

fucking crazy. Yeah, that was fucking crazy and

8:52

then and then and do you have another

8:55

one? Do you think. I don't think

8:57

south you think you done, I think I'm done. Now.

8:59

Is by the end of that. Bird I

9:01

wanted to fucking die. I was like

9:03

this is the worst thing that's ever

9:06

happened to my body. to my. Like

9:08

my. Life. Force I

9:10

feel like I hate being pregnant so

9:13

much and everybody that I've talked to

9:15

his like you forget about it the

9:17

second they're here. That. Is

9:19

a load of horse shit?

9:22

like? Unlike if you forgot about it the

9:24

second they got here. Your pregnancy was a

9:26

fucking breeze. Oh leans pregnancy with

9:28

Georgia. Or other

9:30

know Ilo is just a fucking

9:32

Alla was a fucking told me

9:34

everything I did fucked up our

9:36

family like everything from to her

9:39

just her presence, her presence still

9:41

as a painter arrests like even

9:43

like even like. You

9:45

you like it's Iran where you like

9:47

filming your family like running on the

9:49

beach that minutes the next shot his

9:51

Iowa. So. It's

9:54

getting fucking wiped out. Specific:

9:56

This was this. It's. the

9:59

child That made me laugh so hard.

10:01

She has made me so much money.

10:05

She has made me so much

10:07

money. I mean, that kid just

10:09

exists. And Russell

10:13

Howard is the one who

10:15

pointed it out. Because I

10:17

sometimes would feel guilty that everything was

10:19

about Isla. Because she was

10:21

such a different thing than

10:24

anyone. I mean, to this day, the

10:26

littlest thing she does is so different

10:29

than everyone. But I never

10:31

really picked up on it. It's funny that

10:33

Leanne and Georgia picked up on it. And

10:35

Georgia, Russell

10:37

Howard pointed this out, is by Jiminy Cricket. She's

10:39

the one who, when

10:44

Isla does something, Georgia's eyes to me. And it's

10:46

like when you talk about you and your sisters.

10:48

When you have like an inside joke with someone,

10:50

Georgia's eyes just like, are

10:53

you watching this? Dad,

10:55

this is the thing we fucking wait for. I

10:58

mean, but that fucking

11:00

kid. She's

11:02

so funny. I

11:05

was so funny. Yeah, she's

11:07

just different. Yeah. She's

11:09

just, she's,

11:12

yeah, I don't know what

11:14

to say. It's like, you hope you get that for

11:16

a kid, but then to deal with it is so

11:18

frustrating. Like I remember there was this little girl, I

11:20

won't say her name, only because, I

11:22

don't know, she's a woman now. But

11:25

she was so fucking funny when we were kids.

11:27

You remember those kids that were like, you'd go

11:29

to someone else's house and their youngest was just

11:31

a fucking wild card? Yes, my sister's like that.

11:34

Really? My sister Jackie will walk up

11:36

to me while I'm eating breakfast. I

11:38

remember, this was like back in the day when we were

11:40

all in the same house. She would walk up to me,

11:42

I'd be like eating cereal and she'd be like, hey, does

11:44

this mole look weird? And it would be her full

11:47

twat. I'd be

11:49

staring down the barrel of her vagina.

11:51

And she's pointing to a mole, but I'm not

11:54

looking at that. And now I'm like,

11:56

I can't even look at my fucking Cheerios. I'm

11:59

like, all I see is your. whole like I'm like this

12:01

is and she didn't think it was funny at all

12:03

she just thought it's like this

12:05

is like funny there's like this I need

12:07

to know if this mole is concerned how

12:09

many girls are in your family um it

12:11

was five five of us and my sister passed

12:13

away so there's four of us five

12:17

would be fucking fun six would

12:19

be five really not

12:21

no you have you ever seen the

12:23

housewives the real housewives wait every dinner

12:25

was like that really every dinner ended with

12:28

somebody screaming I hope you die like it

12:30

was it was really bad it was

12:32

like do not have that many kids it's

12:34

crazy is that why you just want to

12:36

have one I think partially yes that's

12:38

that's part of it yeah another reason

12:40

is like I don't know if I'm gonna be

12:43

able to afford it to have to I'm like

12:45

I just talking I'm scared to like have to

12:47

and then like what if something you make how much

12:49

money do you make do you mean

12:51

like I like I don't know I'm not really good

12:53

with money like I remember what I did make

12:55

people when I was on Travel Channel I was making

12:57

a very good living yeah I was really earning it

13:00

like I was really working for I've always felt

13:02

like I had to earn my money like I even

13:04

if when I make a lot of

13:06

money I'm still pouring more than any comic out

13:08

there like work for my work for my money

13:10

yeah it's so funny I watched the

13:15

cats Williams shit went down yeah yeah and I

13:17

was just curious how much money he makes yeah

13:20

he he makes a ton of

13:22

fucking money on the road yeah for the limited

13:24

amount of shows he does yeah he does maybe

13:26

17 shows a year yeah but he

13:28

brings in like 12 million dollars I literally

13:30

just told my driver to watch that I was like you got

13:32

to see this interview you know it's crazy I go to 3,000

13:34

books a year by the way

13:40

is 8.2 books a day I took

13:42

out a calendar calculator well we did it in

13:44

the fucking car yeah it's four pages a minute

13:46

you got to read for 10 hours straight I

13:51

was laughing so hard to at Netflix or

13:53

to be when he This

14:00

is the funniest thing I've ever seen. I loved

14:03

that interview He's been they just posted video of

14:05

him rubbing running a sub for 540 He

14:09

just as they just posted the video of him. He actually

14:11

ran a sub see here's the thing with I don't know

14:13

what that is I'm gonna have 40

14:16

40 our dash. Okay, the world record

14:18

is 4.2 seconds. He ran it in

14:20

like 4.4 seconds,

14:22

which is really fucking fast.

14:24

Yeah, which is crazy

14:26

fast Here's the thing.

14:28

I can't tell what the I It's

14:32

like with Brody or with Theo. You don't

14:34

know when they're joking or not sometimes Yeah,

14:36

which is fun. Yeah, just the most fun

14:38

about it Right is like I don't sometimes

14:40

the hotel story I can't tell if he's

14:42

being serious or not Yeah, and and and

14:45

that is you're stuck in the back going

14:47

like all right. Yeah, am I

14:49

part of the bit? Brody was

14:51

like that. I couldn't tell if Brody was fucking around or

14:53

not. Yeah, I Can't tell if

14:55

cats fucking around when he says these crazy

14:57

I honestly I was thinking about that and I was

15:00

like, I don't think it matters I

15:02

think if I start getting into that I'm not gonna enjoy this

15:04

as much as I'm enjoying it it was and

15:06

by the way, I I I

15:10

Can't cosign on any of his facts. I don't

15:12

know them. Yeah, right. I don't know them. Those

15:14

are his experiences Yeah, there's parallel thinking it's you

15:16

know, whatever. I don't know who are thieves or

15:19

not. Yeah, the Kevin Hart stuff. I Love

15:22

Kevin. I really do love Kevin. I think he's

15:24

I think he's so enjoyable as a person, right?

15:27

I'm bummed that they hate each other. I think

15:29

this lines up a great fucking buddy comedy Really

15:33

love to see a movie with Kevin and

15:35

Kevin Hart. Yeah, I know but

15:37

but the one thing What

15:40

was so funny if that's what came out of this

15:42

interview? He's a buddy comedy It would

15:44

be the biggest it would be the biggest movie and

15:46

you know, Kevin's big enough to

15:48

think past these emotions They've

15:51

been attacking Kevin his

15:53

whole career. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it

15:55

doesn't even make a dent for Kevin I think

15:57

he's like, you know, what's he's not worried about

15:59

it It's you can't right

16:01

it's but um, the one

16:03

thing I what was the I kept I there's

16:06

one thing that I go that

16:08

I was like I

16:10

fuck here's the thing what I what what I

16:12

enjoyed about the interview was just that it felt

16:14

like It felt

16:17

like old and new at this

16:19

like it's not my generation

16:21

of comics. So I was watching

16:23

it. No, not really You know what

16:25

I mean? Yeah, and so I was watching it and I

16:27

was like I can enjoy this because it's not about

16:29

us But you can just enjoy it I was

16:31

enjoying it until they were like until they were

16:34

like Rogan has the six friends that aren't funny

16:36

as fuck on that was like shit. Oh shit.

16:38

I texted the six people he's talking about I

16:42

was like me Shane Gillis, Ari,

16:44

Mark Norman, Tom Segura, Brian Callan

16:48

Which of us isn't in this at what

16:50

point is he it into the white guys? He

16:52

didn't that's not how it I mean That's not

16:54

the there's no uh, was

16:56

that like hour four? I don't there's no

16:59

Residual income on attacking white guys. Yeah,

17:01

so the the income is Just

17:04

going after black dudes like that's because it's like

17:07

fan base It

17:09

all comes down to the fan base. They all kind

17:11

of share the same Kevin's fan base is way broader

17:13

I think I don't know cats. I've watched all of

17:15

cat specials same. I love cat Williams.

17:18

He's so fucking funny He's so funny even

17:20

when he's being serious. I know I'm

17:23

like the just the way he even just

17:25

the way he says to be I

17:28

could listen to over and over when

17:30

he says to show excuse me, sir. Excuse me,

17:32

sir I love when he by

17:34

the way, I have a I have a list

17:37

of Private cat Williams stories that I treasure

17:39

I tell secrets all the time That I

17:41

treasure that were given to me why one

17:43

of his best friends. Yeah, because i'm friends

17:45

with one of his best friends I'm really

17:47

close with one of his best friends And

17:50

all I ever did was I won every cat

17:52

Williams story Yeah, and I will tell you

17:54

a lot of cat Williams stories ends with him

17:57

giving someone five thousand dollars cash He

18:02

gives specifically $5,000 everyone $5,000.

18:05

Damn. He gives away $5,000

18:08

like Tom buys fake glasses. Yeah.

18:13

Cat Williams is just, and here's the thing

18:15

though. So comics are so

18:17

unoriginal that now

18:20

the new thing and I'm telling you

18:22

is coming is trashcast.

18:24

Yeah. Where people go in and

18:26

just trash people. Yeah. And it kind of

18:28

stinks. Well, you're not that

18:30

kind of guy. Like

18:32

it's, you know what I mean? There's a lot

18:35

of comics that I think are really

18:37

funny when they're being mean. I

18:39

will say they're really funny when they're... It's really good and so

18:41

is Tosh. Yeah. You know what I

18:43

mean? And it's like, that's their gift. There's the

18:46

problem is that there's gonna be comics that aren't really

18:48

funny mean and they'll be trying to do

18:51

it and it won't work because they're more

18:53

mean than funny. You know? But

18:58

all people really want is mean.

19:01

Yeah. It's mean. I didn't know

19:03

about that. I don't know about that. Here's the thing. I

19:06

had this thought the other day. What are

19:08

you saying when you say all people want is mean? Like

19:10

what do you mean by that? I think that's what pays

19:12

in the internet. It's hard to... Positivity doesn't

19:15

really work on the internet. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

19:17

Like it's... And by the way, I gotta be

19:19

honest with you. Negative

19:21

comments. They only help. And

19:23

they're so funny. Some are

19:25

so fucking good. Some are so

19:28

good. Like I've gotten

19:30

into... I don't read my comments.

19:32

I don't even read comics comments anymore. But

19:35

I'll read for random things.

19:40

Just like where you go, oh, this is gonna get backlash. Of

19:44

just someone being... I'll just go into the comments

19:46

section. And negative comments are the

19:48

funniest out of all of them.

19:50

Absolutely. Even some of mine have

19:52

been... I'll never... The reason

19:54

I grew my bangs out is because somebody... I had

19:57

shorter bangs than somebody who's like, she has the same

19:59

haircut as the retard. kid I went to school with. And

20:02

I was like, I have to fix this. I have

20:04

to fix this right now. Like

20:07

there's negative comments that have changed the course

20:09

of my life. You

20:11

know what I'm saying? Do you deal with

20:14

urine therapy? Yeah. Do you deal with

20:16

like depression and stuff? I don't know. I can't

20:18

ever tell if it... I don't know if

20:21

I'm depressed. I think I've never

20:23

really looked into that. I don't

20:25

have depression like some people. I've

20:27

been in therapy for 10 years, but I don't feel

20:30

like I'm a depressive. I think

20:33

if anything, I like I'm dissociative. How

20:36

old were you when your sister passed? I

20:38

was 17. Okay. Yeah, I was

20:40

depressed after that for sure, but that's not depression.

20:42

That's my sister died. You know

20:44

what I mean? Yeah, but there's some people that

20:47

don't rebound out of that. Like that

20:49

becomes real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then that's

20:52

their level for the rest of their lives.

20:54

And like I know, I know, I know...

20:56

Damn, I just realized I was like, oh, maybe that

20:59

is me. You could have said that and I was

21:01

like, oop. I have times where

21:04

I feel like I should be happier.

21:06

Yeah. Like we were

21:08

talking about drinking earlier. I drank once

21:10

this week and I didn't

21:14

want to. Yeah. But I did because

21:16

it was a party night and we were going to see

21:18

the Eagles and I was like, fuck yeah, cold beers, couple

21:21

of cocktails, vape pen, that'll be a fucking blast. I

21:23

got way too fucked up. And I

21:25

did, I really did. I got so far and I was in cowboy

21:27

boots so I couldn't stand very well. No. I

21:31

was like really off balance. And luckily it's the

21:34

Eagles. You were in heels. Luckily

21:37

the Eagles have a policy about not

21:39

standing at their shows because everyone's got

21:41

new hips. So we didn't stand, which

21:43

was actually pretty fucking awesome. Yeah. But

21:46

I was fucking wasted and the next

21:48

day, and I've noticed this, I've been

21:50

able to identify joy when I'm

21:53

sober, like real joy. Yeah. And I

21:55

can see it and I can feel

21:57

it and I feel good. Yeah. And

22:00

the next day it was windy. It's my

22:02

favorite weather in LA. It was windy and

22:04

cold. And I had to go pick up

22:06

eyelet of friends' house like 25 minutes away. Yeah. And

22:10

I couldn't, I wasn't getting the joy.

22:12

It was like, I was like going, oh, it's

22:14

because I'm hungover. Like I can't, I

22:16

should be very, very happy right now. Yeah. And

22:19

I'm happy. People don't think about how alcohol is

22:21

like a real depressant. Like it's really, it depresses

22:23

you. Until it hits your system. Until it hits

22:25

your system. And then you're like, I'm gonna do

22:28

this for the rest of my life. It's

22:30

so good. Yeah. It's

22:32

so good. Like I- The first time

22:34

I drank, I was like, this is what I was put

22:37

here to do. Wait, what

22:39

was the, tell me about the first time you drank. The first time

22:41

I drank, I was like, I was

22:43

older. I was 17. Uh-huh. My

22:46

mom had gotten sober

22:48

like a couple of years before that, right? Cause

22:51

my mom was in a drunk driving accident with

22:53

me and my sister in the car. And my

22:55

mom got sober and she's been sober ever since.

22:57

Really? Is this back when they took

23:00

your kids away because of that? No, we had money. They

23:02

don't take your kids away. What

23:04

kind of car was it? It was a Suburban. Ooh.

23:06

It was a Suburban. Right. Which

23:09

is not a money car, but it's- It is when you have two

23:11

of them. That's true. So

23:15

she got sober and I knew that I was like

23:18

maybe an alcoholic kind of

23:21

tangentially cause I was like hearing

23:23

about alcoholics, like heads,

23:26

like how our brains

23:28

work. And I was like, oh, it

23:30

made me think about when I was a kid, I

23:32

used to hide, like a Jiffy, like that fucking, that

23:35

marshmallow fluff under my bed. And I'd be

23:37

out with my friends, hanging out

23:39

with them, thinking about going home to eat my

23:42

fucking marshmallow fluff alone. Like that's like, I would

23:44

be, I couldn't be present thinking

23:46

about what I could go home to do in private. You

23:48

know what I mean? So I

23:50

always had this kind of like awareness

23:53

that my brain was an

23:56

addict's brain. Just from

23:58

learning about it through what- I overheard

24:00

her talk about and she

24:02

was never evangelist about it. She never like

24:05

was like you might be that you know,

24:07

she never said that. What was your mom like drinking? I

24:10

don't really remember because I was like

24:12

I never drank so I

24:14

didn't it never like registered to me.

24:17

I remember seeing my mom puking in a toilet one

24:19

time and going oh man I think she's bulimic that's

24:21

crazy like I didn't I like had no

24:24

idea like even when she was like drunk driving

24:26

I was like this woman is tired. She

24:28

has way too many kids like that. I

24:31

did not it never occurred to me that she was drunk

24:33

and I was in eighth grade. I was way too old

24:35

to like not be noticing that she

24:37

was drunk. But that's like how

24:39

innocent I was. What are you kids with that innocent

24:41

keep going. Yeah.

24:44

But anyway, so then she what

24:47

was I talking about? So she like quit

24:49

drinking and then when I first drank it

24:52

I was 17 and I was at

24:54

my friend's house. She

24:57

had a pitbull who was locked upstairs because

24:59

this pitbull had literally bitten this guy's balls

25:01

off a year prior. I don't know how

25:03

it was still alive. So the

25:05

pitbull was upstairs and

25:08

we were all under like strict like

25:10

do not go upstairs rules. But

25:14

there was an opening from upstairs to

25:17

the backyard. So

25:20

I drank so much that I

25:22

fully passed out

25:24

puked in the backyard had

25:27

puked up food that I think I think I'd eaten

25:29

like three days earlier. And I woke

25:32

up with this pitbull eating my barf

25:35

in her backyard. And I

25:37

swear to God I was like I got to do that

25:39

again. That was my first thought

25:42

was like that was fucking amazing. I was

25:44

like that was the greatest night of my life. I

25:46

thought I was in a movie. I felt

25:48

like I was in my own movie. You know

25:50

what I mean. I was like so comfortable in my own skin and I

25:52

was like I never felt this.

25:54

I had never felt freedom from that

25:57

like do I fit here. Am I

25:59

my can I. I be myself, is this

26:01

okay? All of that was gone

26:03

and I was like, this is how I wanna

26:05

feel. This is how I'm supposed

26:07

to feel. Really? Because it is how you're

26:09

supposed to feel. Yeah. But I

26:11

just had no way

26:13

of getting to that without alcohol. Like

26:15

alcohol let me feel

26:18

confident for a second. Yeah. Before

26:21

I'd ever had a chance to build it myself. That's

26:24

interesting. You know what I mean? I wanted to

26:26

be cool. Yeah. So

26:28

cool was my, like, because

26:31

I was cool, but I wasn't

26:33

confident in my coolness. Yeah. Like

26:35

I was cool in seventh grade and I, like

26:39

all growing up I was cool. And then when

26:42

I saw cool kids, like high school kids and

26:44

like kids and you'd hear stories about,

26:46

oh my God, Hartley Watson got so drunk last

26:48

night. And I would be like, oh,

26:50

that sounds cool. Yeah. And so

26:52

I wanted to be cool and I fake drank. This

26:55

is so the birdest thing ever. If

26:58

you want to get down to like whittling

27:01

who I am, I

27:04

fake drank more than I'd drank. Like

27:08

I would fake drink. So I didn't like the

27:10

feel, I was afraid of getting drunk. So

27:13

I would fake drink. I

27:15

would fake smoke pot. Like

27:17

smoke pot, like take it and not inhale. And

27:20

cause I liked being around those

27:22

people. And I felt like they were

27:24

cool and I wanted to be cool. But

27:27

I didn't want to lose, yeah, I get it with the smoking pot cause

27:29

I didn't want to lose control of my own mind. Yes,

27:31

yes. Or when I did lose control. By the way,

27:33

I found a real workaround for that. Cause I'm smoking

27:35

a lot of pot now. I smoked

27:38

pot last night and I get sometimes all panic attack.

27:40

Dance odor changed my game. I called him New Year's

27:42

day. I called him New Year's day and thanked him

27:44

for the gift of marijuana. Yeah. Cause

27:46

we did a podcast in here and I said,

27:48

I knew I wanted to party with them and he was going to

27:50

smoke pot. So I was like, and I hadn't drank in like maybe

27:53

a month. And he said, I said, well,

27:55

I'm going to drink tonight. It's been a month, 40 days.

27:58

I'm going to drink with Dan. and I'll smoke weed with him.

28:01

And he was like, well, you don't have to drink, you

28:03

just smoke weed. And I go, I don't know, I drink

28:05

if I smoke weed. And he goes, well, you

28:07

can just do weed by itself. And I was like, I

28:09

think I'll freak out. And he goes, well, hold on. You've

28:11

already admitted you're gonna drink. So start

28:13

with weed, and if you need a drink, get

28:16

a drink, but if you don't, see if the weed'll work. I

28:19

just smoked pot, and I

28:21

had so much fun. And then when

28:23

we did Red Rocks, I was down by the river in

28:26

Colorado, smoking a joint in the morning

28:28

with Dan Soder. I

28:30

think we'd just done the show the night before. He

28:32

was getting ready to leave. And I had a panic

28:35

attack, and I said, what do you do

28:37

when you get scared? And Dan just, in

28:39

typical Dan Soder fashion, goes, oh, sometimes

28:41

we all get scared. That's part of it. You

28:44

just gotta realize, that comes with the good

28:47

stuff. Let yourself get scared and realize, I

28:49

get scared too, so does Big J, we all get scared.

28:51

And it took away my fear of

28:54

being scared on weed, and now, the biggest thing I'd

28:56

have a fear of is when I got too

28:58

high and I got in bed, and my brain

29:00

would think crazy thoughts. And

29:02

I realized, that's also what happens when you start

29:04

to fall asleep. When you start to fall asleep

29:06

and you're like, all right,

29:08

I got a busy day, I gotta do a

29:11

lot of stuff to do. I gotta put the- What if

29:13

I fall out of a plane one time? Yeah,

29:15

my one was always, my brain would

29:18

go. We gotta put flippers on

29:20

the dogs, and I'm like, wait, what? And

29:23

then now, when I think crazy thoughts when I lay in bed,

29:25

I go, oh, that's my mind getting ready to go to bed.

29:27

So I'm not afraid of them, I'm gonna hit a horse with

29:29

a shovel, and I'm like, wait, what? So

29:33

now, I just embrace the crazy thoughts, and

29:35

then realize, that's just the drug, and

29:37

this drug's giving me so many good times, I gotta let it give

29:39

me the bad times. Yeah, it's a ride. It's

29:43

like any time that you've done mushrooms. Have you

29:45

done mushrooms? Yes. Yeah, so it's like mushrooms,

29:47

or anything. I never did enough mushrooms

29:49

to fucking lose my shit. I was

29:51

always scared of them. So

29:53

it took like a cap, two caps, waited,

29:56

took another, like waited a very healthy

29:58

amount of time. Never too

30:00

late never like two in the morning. Yeah,

30:02

I was always very respectful of that drug

30:05

But the first time I got drunk we

30:08

were in Alan Reger's House

30:11

and his mom caught us and I this

30:13

is the feeling I remember distinctly

30:15

She emptied a bunch of natty

30:17

lights Yeah on to the table

30:19

and me came in and Alan were sitting there and she

30:22

goes Can you boys explain this and

30:24

I felt alcohol in my system and alcohol

30:26

said to me we don't need to let's

30:28

just ride this sparkle Yeah That's

30:33

the best thing about alcohol, it's it's

30:35

really like Whatever

30:37

the fuck it's it whatever gets

30:40

in the way of your brain Yeah, you

30:42

just go like I'm just gonna say fuck that

30:44

I don't fucking care Like I

30:46

that's what I loved about it. Is that I could if

30:49

I was drunk I

30:51

would fucking rollerblade down the

30:53

middle of Times Square just

30:56

fucking hitting bars like Drinking

30:59

and going directly into traffic and being

31:01

like hit me. Yeah, I'm

31:03

gonna fucking bounce off your car Nothing's

31:07

gonna hurt like I that's how I felt. I

31:09

was like, I'm not gonna die. I'm never gonna

31:11

die That's how it made me feel

31:13

like it was better than any drug I'd ever done and

31:16

To sit like off of what you were saying about

31:18

like when you smoke weed and you like go like

31:20

everybody gets here I had to learn how to do

31:22

that Sober Because

31:25

I was a fucking weed addict

31:27

then I got into alcohol So

31:29

both of them were for me. I'm

31:32

across the board Like I

31:34

just love all of it like anything that'll get me out

31:36

of my fucking so I had to learn Sober

31:39

to do the same thing that you do high where

31:42

I was like, oh I'm this

31:44

is just my brain. This is just

31:46

part of being alive This is how

31:48

it is Like you have moments where

31:50

you're fucking you feel shitty and

31:52

you have moments where you feel really fucking good And

31:54

you don't get to control which ones calm and where

31:56

they're when they're gonna come and you just kind of

31:58

ride it out like Like that,

32:01

that was kind of the same thing that I learned how

32:03

to do when I got sober.

32:05

Sober brain's tough. It's not

32:07

though. Not once you've, it's

32:11

as tough as day one

32:13

and day two of sober are

32:16

probably the toughest.

32:18

The day one is the hardest day of sober.

32:21

Yeah. Day one is

32:23

the day, that's the thing. I think day two is actually tougher

32:26

because day one you're like, you're still kind of

32:28

hungover. Oh yeah, but that

32:31

creepiness of hangover. Like

32:33

I had it what, two days ago?

32:35

Was it, no, it was yesterday. We

32:37

drank Saturday. Yeah. We drank

32:39

Saturday. Yesterday I was like, I

32:43

do things now to force myself not to drink because

32:45

I go, I don't want to drink this week. So

32:48

then I go, I'll do a 6am workout. Yeah.

32:50

And so I know I won't drink so I want to work out and I want to be hungover.

32:53

But yesterday I was like, I don't want to

32:56

drink today. And I did an early workout. I

32:58

picked up Isla, did an early workout. And then

33:00

I was like, but

33:03

it never showed up. It never, I

33:05

wasn't hungover enough I guess. Yeah. So

33:08

it never showed up and then I was like, oh, this is fun.

33:10

I'm going to make some food. I'm going to fuck around the house.

33:12

I'm going to just kind of like, and Leanne was doing like a

33:14

CPR class for some fucking reason. So

33:16

she was gone for like four hours. Yeah. I

33:19

fell off the bed during sex. It was bad. I

33:22

fell off the bed so bad during sex and I

33:24

landed on a razor blade. And

33:26

I cut my ass so bad. We thought we were going to have to go

33:29

to the hospital. What? Yeah. Is

33:31

it bad? It's bad. There's

33:33

still a car cut on it. Pretty bad. It hurts

33:35

to sit. Is it infected? I don't know what's in

33:37

my ass. So it will be. I'm sure it will

33:39

be. Let

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35:47

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35:50

remember this one episode that Rogan did when

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wasn't an ad. He just casually said, yeah man, I

35:57

flew all night. It's been a long morning, but I just took my

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BERT that's drinkag1.com/BERT check

36:33

it out. Is

36:35

it infected? I don't well it's in my

36:37

ass so it will be I'm sure it

36:39

will be. Let me see it. Oh

36:45

my god you didn't have to spread your cheeks.

36:48

No but I didn't have to

36:51

see inside of it. No but I didn't

36:53

know. That is really bad. Really bad. BERT

36:55

that's really bad. Really bad. Did you put

36:57

hydrogen peroxide on that? Neosporin. Okay good because

37:00

it looks like you poured something

37:02

antiseptic that's too powerful into it. It's

37:04

so bad I didn't have an orgasm.

37:06

Oh my god. We just stopped. We

37:08

just stopped and took care of the

37:10

wound. It

37:13

was bad. That's love. That

37:16

was really beautiful. Yeah. I

37:19

don't I really I think I'm married enough

37:21

to say that that's really romantic. It was

37:23

very romantic. I

37:28

can't believe you spread your cheeks. I wanted

37:30

you to see it was in the crack.

37:33

I saw it's not in the crack. I

37:36

just need you to know

37:38

it's a little far it's a little far right of

37:40

the crack. I

37:45

thought I broke my tailbone. I

37:47

was down for a fucking count. I was like

37:50

oh my god I'm hurt. I'm hurt. Can

37:52

I tell you a crazy story like when Andy

37:54

and I tried to fuck at the end of

37:56

my pregnancy right which was like he

37:58

I could tell. He was like gross

38:01

like I knew he didn't want to do it

38:03

and I was like I need wait Is he

38:05

how much does he weigh he I probably

38:07

like 180? He

38:10

gained weight. I think he hit like 200 when I was

38:12

pregnant Yeah, but like he

38:14

started my pregnancy off at the

38:16

weight that I was when I ended it So

38:21

he's like looking at me he was like, uh,

38:23

I don't want you look like a patient like

38:25

I don't want to fuck you You look sick

38:28

and I I was like I need this

38:30

baby to come so let's fucking do it

38:32

cuz that's start that can start labor So yeah,

38:34

so that's what the doctor said and I was

38:36

like she said that to us to our faces

38:38

So I was like, okay, let's just try this Like

38:42

a Guatemalan couple when when Leanne was about

38:44

to give birth cuz it was spicy food

38:47

and sex We were like a young Guatemalan

38:49

couple and Every

38:53

fucking night and then fucking farting

38:55

on top of each other. It was

38:57

disgusting I mean, it was the worst sex he would

38:59

sit here right next to me and be like you were

39:01

hideous I don't I didn't want any part of it, but I

39:03

love you. So I was gonna take one for the team So

39:06

we start fucking I I had a

39:08

vibrator my vibrator Fucking runs

39:10

out of batteries in the middle

39:13

of us fucking he had already come

39:15

I was like trying to and The

39:18

vibrator dies and then I try to turn it back

39:20

on and I'm I lost my or I was just

39:22

like it's gone I threw the

39:24

vibrator so hard into the wall that

39:26

it shattered into three pieces I

39:30

was like fuck I was so mad

39:33

because when you're at the end of

39:35

your pregnancy you get so horny But

39:37

no, but you're the least fuckable you've ever

39:39

been It

39:46

was brutal it was brutal I

39:48

said I was like I feel a new I feel

39:51

a genuine like Understanding of

39:53

like I'm a fat man for the first

39:55

time as a pregnant woman

40:00

What? You know? What,

40:03

that's fucking hilarious.

40:05

What, I don't

40:08

know where to go from ass cheeks

40:10

to vibrators going into the wall. I

40:12

think we got it guys. No. Yeah,

40:14

we're good. Yeah. What, and

40:16

then when you guys. We went from sobriety

40:18

to asshole to vibrate.

40:20

I'm obsessed with sobriety. I'm obsessed with

40:23

it. Yeah. Like yeah, cause I. Like

40:26

sobriety sobriety or just like. No, no,

40:29

no, just being sober. Not

40:31

like, but not, but like enjoying soberness

40:33

as much as I enjoyed alcohol. Yeah.

40:36

So like doing that, that like two wings

40:38

of the bird. Yeah. Like

40:41

I've really enjoyed it and I look

40:43

forward to times of being

40:45

sober. And I never did

40:47

that before. I never did that. I always wanted

40:49

the escape. Yeah. And I always

40:52

wanted the party to keep going. I

40:55

did too. And I feel like there's, I

40:57

mean, I don't talk about this that often

40:59

cause I end up sounding like evangelical, but

41:01

I fucking love my life

41:04

sober. Like I really do. And I feel

41:06

like I have

41:08

experienced every single moment

41:12

of my life, like in a

41:14

way that not everybody gets

41:16

to do it. You know, like even

41:18

the parts where I've been

41:20

in places where I'm like having

41:24

the greatest time and I feel

41:26

nothing. And I'm like, well, I

41:29

didn't think I would feel this way, but this is where

41:31

I'm at. And this is what it is for me right

41:33

now. And then in

41:35

retrospect, I go back and I go like,

41:38

that was actually so great that

41:40

I couldn't, because I was sober, I was

41:42

like, I couldn't quite grasp

41:45

it at the moment. But like

41:47

when I did that fucking Netflix thing and I

41:50

met David Letterman and I got on the plane

41:52

that night, I was like crying

41:54

on the plane. Cause I was like, that was

41:56

so, I just, that was a

41:58

dream come true. And

42:00

when you're sober you get to kind of

42:02

bask in it. Yeah, and when you're drunk

42:06

It's a different appreciation. So I've had those

42:08

moments where you I had My

42:11

first special ever shot I did I hadn't drank

42:13

for like a month leading up to it. And

42:15

then that night We

42:18

drank at my house where I went back to my house and

42:20

we and I had a drink and I was like

42:24

This doesn't not turn in the

42:26

corner the way I wanted right? Yeah, when you when you

42:28

celebrate it's sober and I've done a lot of those celebrating

42:31

sober especially lately

42:34

There is a like like especially in the

42:37

next morning. Yeah cup of coffee where you're

42:39

like, wow, I'm not I don't

42:41

feel sick Yeah, I feel really good. See I

42:44

couldn't and I don't maybe I can one

42:46

day but I can't Enjoy

42:49

sobriety not knowing there's a tap out

42:52

Yeah, like I I want to enjoy LA without knowing

42:54

I can move back to New York Like

42:56

it's there's certain things that like might

42:59

just not be for you and maybe someday they

43:01

will be but I was like It does that's

43:03

not the point. The point is if you can

43:05

enjoy sobriety on a daily basis

43:09

then You

43:11

know, that's it like yeah, that's actually kind

43:14

of how I've stayed sober Like

43:16

for 16 years is knowing that I'm like

43:18

someday I could drink if I want to that's

43:20

that's what I needed like I

43:23

have a Friend

43:26

Who is young very young? I

43:28

should let you know I'm related to him because it

43:31

sounds creepy that I hang out with fucking Yeah, yeah,

43:33

that's better. But I have a friend who's dealing with

43:35

sobriety He's been sober like six months and he looks

43:37

great and he acts great and he's like really present

43:39

and I ran into him at one of my shows

43:41

and we hung out we talked and And

43:44

my uncle's had knew I had not been drinking

43:46

for a period of time. I was drinking that

43:48

night Yeah, it was Philly. It was like DJ.

43:50

It was a big fucking show and I

43:52

wanted to drink And so I was drinking and he talked to me

43:54

about he was I can't do never man

43:57

And I said you don't have to do never you

43:59

have to do today Like that's

44:01

just do today. Yeah, get through today

44:03

and then deal with never tomorrow or

44:05

don't deal with it Just but know

44:07

that like you look good and you feel like

44:09

and I'm telling you more presence you ever been

44:11

And I'm really proud of you and we're all

44:13

proud of you Yeah, and and that should carry

44:15

you and on it does this let it last

44:17

for a week Yeah, and listen, you're you're young

44:20

if you get to 25 and you go I

44:22

want to start enjoying wine with dinner That's something

44:24

you can have you've earned that because you've done

44:27

this and you know what this feels like Yeah,

44:29

I I My

44:31

problem is I went through and I read a bunch of

44:33

or listened to a bunch of a Shit,

44:37

like especially online but like most importantly I

44:39

listen to Matthew Perry's Book.

44:42

Yeah Holy

44:44

shit, I don't have that like

44:46

and I can say that wholeheartedly. Thank

44:49

God. I don't have that like he

44:52

he When he for

44:54

the first I'm paraphrasing obviously you should definitely

44:57

check out his books fucking amazing. Yeah, it's

44:59

amazing Yeah, but when he talks about not

45:01

being able to find the joy that everyone

45:03

else was having in rehab And

45:06

going like I can't be happy. I don't I

45:08

just want the drugs Yeah, he could never turn

45:10

off the party meaning he he

45:12

didn't need anyone to be around right? He

45:14

just wanted to be fucked up. Yeah, I

45:16

need people around I can't get fucked up

45:18

by myself. I'm a cat I've done it

45:20

before yeah, but it's really fun. Yeah, but

45:22

but it I I Stopped

45:25

drinking when everyone goes home, right? And I go to bed and

45:27

I try to plan out my day for the mark the next

45:30

day But there's been

45:32

times where I couldn't turn it off where I was like, I was

45:34

like I'm going to my like on Sundays at comedy Clubs,

45:37

mm-hmm. Fuckin. Yeah six pack of Heineken from

45:39

the bar at the Dayton funny bone back

45:41

to the hotel I'm gonna have a few

45:43

beers while I listen to fucking the pixies

45:45

and pack my bags. Yeah, so funnest Yeah,

45:48

funnest I know I I'm kind

45:50

of like here's the thing when I say

45:52

like I one day I could drink, you know,

45:54

like Those are on

45:56

my worst. I only think about

45:58

it like that on my worst day

46:00

Because I'm an addict

46:02

addict like I'll I'll

46:05

drink by myself. I'll drink with other people. It

46:07

doesn't really matter I might my love is

46:09

alcohol. I don't care who's

46:11

there really. Yeah. Oh, I care who's there

46:13

I don't I I'll I'll just drink I'll

46:15

just drink. I just want to get drunk.

46:17

Oh, not right now I care who's there

46:19

like I like there's people I won't drink

46:21

with. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then

46:23

there's I Say I love you to my

46:25

worst enemy while I'm drunk and I'll punch

46:27

my best friend in the face It's the

46:29

weirdest I'd have full like

46:31

dr. Jekyll Mr.

46:34

Hot what is it? Mr. I don't know dr. Jekyll,

46:36

Mr. Rod. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

46:38

Yeah. I I like My

46:41

dad came out over Christmas and I hadn't been

46:43

drinking for like Oh long wait, not gay No,

46:46

no, my dad came out over Christmas I'm

46:50

like now Okay, but

46:52

I was like, oh, I'm gonna definitely have

46:54

wine with my dad like I'm gonna have

46:56

one with my sisters Yeah, like I'm gonna

46:58

I'm gonna drink over Christmas New

47:01

Year's Eve. I didn't drink. I just was like I

47:03

didn't It

47:06

sounds funny but the people drinking I didn't

47:08

want to drink with yeah, like I just

47:10

was like, eh, right And so I didn't

47:12

drink I ended up having a fucking blast.

47:14

Yeah, I had a fucking blast I had

47:16

a real I had a couple of Pippenese

47:18

and I talked I no

47:20

one should ever listen to me because my brain's

47:22

broken and My fixes

47:25

are for Burt. Yeah, they work for Burt

47:27

and one day I'll die. I know that

47:29

yeah, but my like The

47:31

other night on the plane we flew back. We were

47:33

the whole family's on the plane We had horrible turbulence

47:36

like Ila was sweating. I didn't like

47:38

it. Yeah, and Ila is like land.

47:40

She's dead inside And

47:42

they they knew I was gonna drink that

47:44

everyone in all my family knew I didn't

47:46

drink for our whole ski trip I

47:48

did I was and I had these great sober

47:51

epiphanies really like getting up

47:53

early Being of service

47:55

to my family getting coffee getting everyone breakfast

47:57

waking everyone up getting everyone in their ski

47:59

gear getting the girls to less than say, learn how to

48:01

snowboard with Leanne. And then me getting on the

48:03

mountain sober, not hungover and doing like

48:05

nine runs and then going to get Isla and

48:08

me and her going. I loved it. I loved

48:10

even waiting in line for the key lift because

48:12

I was like, this is what the vacation's about.

48:15

You got a little plane, horrible turbulence, big

48:17

trigger for me. Cause I go, I don't need to feel

48:19

the panic. I know I have a drink that goes away.

48:22

And I was going to have a drink. And I said to myself,

48:25

but you know that you have a workout early tomorrow. Are

48:28

you going to pay the

48:30

pay the fee now and then feel the taxes

48:33

tomorrow? Right. Or what if

48:35

you just, what if you just sit

48:37

in this? Yeah. And know that this hour

48:39

and a half or hour

48:41

technically, once we start going down

48:44

for whatever reason, all my anxiety is gone. Once we start

48:47

to land. Andy's like that too. Yes.

48:49

As soon as I hear, we're starting our descent. Yeah.

48:53

I'm like, we made it. We made it. And I know that's,

48:55

that's one plane's crash, but at least at

48:58

least we're close to the ground. I feel like I'll make it. I

49:00

can tuck and roll. Yeah. And then, and

49:02

then I said, I'm going to pay the, I'm going

49:04

to pay the tax and the fee right now. And

49:06

I'm going to sit in this uncomfortable. It's knowing that

49:09

tomorrow I'll feel amazing all day. Right. And

49:11

so I did that and I was like, and I felt really

49:13

proud of myself. The other epiphany I had, I was going to

49:15

tell you this downstairs is normally, and I said

49:18

this to a friend. He was like, Hey, are you drinking

49:20

tonight? And I was like, no, I haven't been drinking. And

49:22

he's like, how long? I don't know. And he goes, you

49:24

don't know. There's a guy that really drinks. And I said,

49:26

yeah, I don't know. He was like,

49:28

wait, you always know exactly how many days you haven't

49:30

drank. Which is totally true. And I was

49:32

like, well, I don't know. And he goes, count it. And he

49:34

goes, what number do you think it is? I go probably like four

49:36

days. And he goes, count it. And it

49:38

was 11 days. And I went,

49:41

holy fuck. I haven't drank in 11

49:43

days. And I didn't notice it. It's

49:45

because you're like more present. If you're

49:47

just being more present, then you're not done. If

49:49

you are the millionth woman to say to me

49:51

how present I am lately. I am

49:54

so present that I just.

49:58

You don't have to count. how

50:00

many days you've been so, you're not, because

50:02

there's one way to look at is like, sure

50:05

you're counting the days that you

50:07

haven't had a drink and that's

50:09

great, but you're also kind of counting

50:11

how many days until you can. Yeah. If

50:14

you're, if you think like, I mean, that's the

50:16

way I think. If they offered a facility

50:18

where you could go under

50:22

doctor supervision. To drink? With

50:24

30 of your favorite people and

50:27

blow it out. I'm talking booze,

50:30

fucking, and they monitor you. So you're not getting,

50:32

you're not doing any bad. I already know the

50:34

answer is no. Really? I

50:36

wouldn't do it. And then they cleaned you

50:39

up. They put you into a coma for two days. Wouldn't

50:41

do it. Really? Wouldn't do it.

50:43

I wouldn't do it because I look at

50:45

what my sobriety has

50:50

like gotten me to. Like where I was

50:52

at when I quit drinking. Yeah.

50:55

And what my life looks like now. And

50:58

I have a daughter and I,

51:00

I'm like, there's no fucking way

51:02

I would trade this. Even my worst day

51:05

sober is better, like

51:08

a million times better than my worst day

51:10

of drinking. Is it better than your best

51:12

day? Or than my best day. Okay. That's

51:15

my best day. My best day drinking. Yeah.

51:18

Like easily. Easily.

51:21

Cause even on, when I would have

51:24

what I would consider one of my best days drinking, I

51:26

would wake up the next day and someone would, there

51:28

would be someone in my life that would never speak

51:31

to me again. Really?

51:34

Yeah. I was that, I was mean. I was

51:36

really mean. I bet you were. I was so mean.

51:38

I bet you were fucking, you're mean, like regular. I

51:40

know. Like you've said things, we edited things out of

51:42

the podcast last time we did, that I still think

51:44

of. And you go, I think we should take that

51:47

out. That came out mean. And I was like, no,

51:49

that's why I liked it. I

51:52

love, but I love, that's what I love about you. Yeah. I'm

51:55

mean, but

51:57

the way that I was mean, like there's.

52:00

ex-boyfriends of mine that will speak to my

52:02

family and not speak to me from

52:04

high school for awesome like

52:06

that's crazy to me I've never I've

52:08

never had the ability to be mean I'm like

52:10

what did I say that was so mean

52:13

that you won't speak to

52:15

me since high school like

52:18

I've been 16 years sober and

52:21

I've been on TV yeah they still won't

52:23

talk to you still won't talk to

52:25

me what the fuck did

52:27

I do cuz I obviously don't remember

52:29

a woman can hurt you more

52:32

than any man yeah oh

52:34

yeah yeah yeah yeah

52:38

I've said things to Leanne I've said

52:40

mean things to Leanne yeah

52:42

the only person I've ever gotten my meanness mm-hmm

52:45

like I've said things that if I brought them

52:47

up we immediately start laughing

52:49

she's like and I stayed with you yeah yeah

52:52

I remember I remember distinctly yeah but

52:54

that was when I was coming off oxy oh

52:57

I was pretty addicted

52:59

to oxy and Valium

53:01

when probably

53:05

fucking narrow escape yeah

53:07

she got me out of it I didn't realize how bad

53:09

I was well yeah that's

53:11

sort of the idea you're on painkillers I

53:13

had been I had dealt with PTSD I

53:16

was dealing with PTSD and I didn't know it it

53:18

was from I apologize

53:21

to all the military folk listening to this

53:24

some riding roller coaster I

53:30

had I was

53:33

I've been doing Travel Channel and I had been

53:35

doing you know Leanne the end of PTSD there

53:37

was way too many trips to Disney World my

53:41

past there was a thing that was

53:43

happening so like I when I was at Travel Channel

53:45

I would do three every day

53:47

I do three life adventure

53:50

bucket list adventures mm-hmm so I got a

53:52

day I had one day where I repelled

53:55

off Table Mountain in South Africa swam with

53:57

great white sharks and then jumped off a

53:59

stadium Yeah in like within 10 hours,

54:02

right? And so and I'm in

54:04

your country Yeah, depending my country and I

54:06

didn't like that shit. I don't like I'm

54:08

not an adrenaline junkie Mm-hmm, and so I

54:10

remember being in my hotel room in South

54:13

Africa shaking on the end of the bed

54:16

Shaking and I'd been drinking and I thought the

54:18

drinking would calm it down Wasn't

54:20

and my heart was racing Remember my heart was a

54:22

hundred and twenty two beats per minute and I was

54:24

sitting on the corner of the bed and I

54:27

called Leanne and she was like you should take a bath and

54:29

I go you know bass gonna fix this

54:31

Yeah, like I'm fucking I think I should jerk off

54:33

like I don't like yeah Like and then and

54:36

then I fell off a waterfall and I

54:38

had a really traumatic experience

54:41

Like really traumatic within 24 hours of falling.

54:44

I had just that's when they gave me

54:47

Dilaudid for the first time and and

54:50

and they gave me a prescription for oxy

54:52

cotton that I was That

54:55

I was to take every four hours. Oh my

54:57

god I was taking it every four hours and

55:00

then it was just it was like it was

55:02

not I'm saying I'm sure the pen the the

55:04

epidemic of pain pills was there Yeah, it

55:06

was a little bit right around the time where everyone's

55:08

realizing how dangerous they were Yeah, and so they're giving

55:10

me every four hours out of North Carolina every four

55:12

hours and then value them every four hours So

55:15

it's taking value every four hours and and by the way,

55:17

the oxycontin would run out at like three hours

55:20

I could feel it run out. Yeah, and I

55:25

called the Anna we were in North Carolina. I had a

55:27

gig in Aspen that paid $25,000

55:30

on like a Friday night. This was Thursday.

55:32

It's Wednesday morning when this happened Yeah, I called the end of

55:34

set up pulling out of the gig. She's like yo, we need

55:36

that money You're going to Aspen whatever

55:39

you got to do get yourself there Isla

55:41

and George Island Lee and flew out to

55:43

Denver met me in Denver got me to ask and I did

55:46

the show I Was

55:48

also I was drinking on these pills like

55:50

I was also drinking dude And so and

55:52

I spent like a month on

55:55

these pills still injured I fell off the

55:57

waterfall like 20 feet onto my back Still

56:00

injured and I just was taking

56:02

them and I was taking them every four hours I was

56:04

just eating them like crazy and then we

56:07

were supposed to go camping and I remember Leanne

56:09

was like I Woke up and she was standing

56:11

next my bed. She had the pills and she's like you're done Yeah,

56:13

I was like wait, hold on one second Let

56:16

me get through I just got a

56:18

prescription refill too I was like, let me get

56:20

through camping because we're sleeping on the ground and

56:22

I'm gonna be uncomfortable Let me get through camping.

56:24

She was like, nope She was

56:26

like you can drink you can smoke weed do whatever

56:29

you want. You've done the pills You're a different fucking

56:31

person and that weekend camping. I Was

56:35

a different person meaning like I was

56:37

mean yeah, I was fucking I was

56:41

Secretive I was I was everything you

56:43

shouldn't be I was

56:45

all the bad things but man that So

56:48

fucking scary. I had the same problem with

56:50

fucking Xanax at one point I

56:52

decided problem with an extra fucking scary. She was like

56:54

you gotta get off Xanax. You gotta stop taking Xanax

56:57

I was taking them. I was taking

56:59

them whenever I whenever I actually whatever I'd start

57:01

drinking I'd take a Xanax and let go this

57:03

will just cut my drinking in half dude

57:05

when I did IVF

57:07

with Andy, right? I Walked

57:11

in I had the meeting like the you

57:13

know before they did the surgery and I was like just

57:15

so you guys know and I Had mentioned it to my doctors before

57:18

and they they don't give a fuck

57:20

No, you I was like look I'm

57:22

an addict. I've been sober 15

57:25

years at this point You

57:27

cannot give me fentanyl. You can't give

57:29

me oxycontin. You can't give me any power I can get

57:32

Tylenol Advil Motrin,

57:34

whatever those are but

57:36

I was like I can't get anything beyond that Same

57:39

for my c-section. I was like I can't

57:41

have really nothing. I said

57:43

I'll take Tylenol Advil Motrin

57:46

That's it. Really and I

57:50

woke up from my from IVF and

57:52

I said the first thing I said

57:54

was Can I have

57:56

fentanyl and they gave me fentanyl

57:58

and then 10 minutes Later I go can

58:00

I have some more and they gave me some more and

58:02

it was like Andy was like, whoa. Whoa. Whoa No,

58:05

no, that's it. That's no more. That's

58:07

it, you know, but it

58:09

was like they don't care. No, like I

58:11

had to Because

58:14

of that I walked into my c-section being

58:16

like if you guys give me this

58:18

stuff I will I will find someone

58:21

and Sue because

58:24

I've explained that I'm an addict and

58:26

if you give me even if I ask for this shit

58:29

I cannot have it like they

58:31

don't get that an addict will

58:33

say don't give me this and then ask

58:35

for it Ten minutes

58:37

later and it's a tough situation because they're

58:40

doctors and if you're in pain, they have

58:42

to treat it So it's a hard like

58:44

but that's how this country that we still don't get

58:47

that it's it's its own disease Oh,

58:49

I still to this day when they go in

58:51

and like when I had my surgery

58:53

or when I had my For

58:56

my elbow, they're like how much pain are you

58:58

in on a scale of one to ten? I was like who says

59:00

nine Yeah, everyone's it's ten.

59:02

What's the biggest thing you got right

59:04

and then double it like yeah But

59:07

that that is my brain

59:09

with those pill pills are so Dangerous

59:11

for me. Yeah, because you can take them and

59:14

no one sees it. Yeah, and then you feel

59:16

better Yeah, and and I

59:19

I have I've had friends who drink in private

59:21

Like they keep their drink away from everyone and

59:23

do it on the DL No, it's always like

59:25

oh my drinking has got to be in front

59:27

of everyone. You have to know how much I

59:29

drank Yeah, cuz I can't I if I start

59:31

doing that we're fucked Yeah, but uh, but I

59:33

do smoke weed and probably like I don't smoke

59:35

weed in front of people. It's just a weird

59:37

thing right, yeah, it's you know, but

59:39

uh, yeah, I I I'm

59:43

fascinated. I'm fascinated

59:45

with the

59:47

impulse and of addiction. Yeah the

59:49

impulse of Cat Williams

59:51

does something really cool in his thing about why

59:53

he's never done drugs like I believe he's never

59:55

done drugs I kind of believe him He

59:58

said that anything when the devil takes

1:00:01

your free will, he didn't want

1:00:03

to be a part of anything. And I was like,

1:00:05

oh, that's a fucked up moment. I

1:00:10

felt it skiing with my daughters because

1:00:13

there were times when, not

1:00:15

sneaky, but like the girls would be taking lessons and

1:00:17

Leanne would be with them, where I was free. And

1:00:19

I'd be like, oh, I'm just gonna have a beer.

1:00:21

But it was a sneaky beer. I was like, I'm

1:00:23

gonna go up to the chalet and have a beer

1:00:25

and look at the mountain. And then

1:00:27

that beer always turned into three. And then

1:00:29

I'd be like, all right, I'm ready to go back on

1:00:32

the mountain. But then once that energy started,

1:00:35

it was like, yo, we're drinking today. We're in.

1:00:38

But it was never like... I

1:00:42

was always adjusting my day around the

1:00:45

drinking rather than the other way around. Do

1:00:48

you know what I mean? I was always organizing

1:00:50

my day around my drinking versus organizing

1:00:52

my drinking around my day. Well,

1:00:56

that's interesting. I

1:00:58

organize my day around my... I

1:01:00

organize my drinking around my day.

1:01:04

I'm very specific

1:01:06

on like, if I have stuff to do, I

1:01:08

can't drink. But then there's things I

1:01:11

go, well, that's a drinking thing. So then

1:01:13

we gotta get shit done before the drinking thing. So

1:01:15

something's burning is a perfect example. Usually

1:01:18

I'll drink on something's burning. Because

1:01:20

it just makes the fucking thing flutter. And

1:01:24

so I'll go, well, we gotta get a bunch

1:01:26

of shit crammed in before two o'clock when we

1:01:28

do our first something's burning. And

1:01:30

then if I know that if I have someone

1:01:33

who's a bigger drinker, I try to put them in the back so

1:01:35

I can have one drink with them and

1:01:37

then do real drinking then. Yeah. But

1:01:40

I also like... I never had that. I never had

1:01:42

that kind of organizational

1:01:44

capacity. Or I

1:01:46

guess I did, but it was the other way around where it

1:01:48

was like, oh, well, I actually can't do that because I have to

1:01:50

drink today. Oh, oh, I won't

1:01:52

drink before. If I have a spot, I won't drink before a spot. I

1:01:55

never did comedy drunk. I really,

1:01:57

I never did it. It's pretty fucking fun.

1:02:00

I can't even fucking imagine the shit you

1:02:02

say. I can't even imagine I'm

1:02:04

like if I started now, I

1:02:06

don't know if I could ever go back To

1:02:09

like doing it. I watched I watched dudes.

1:02:11

I watched dudes who drank so much on stage They didn't

1:02:14

know what to do with their hands when they did late

1:02:16

nights best sets. Yeah It

1:02:19

was crazy. I remember one guy

1:02:21

specifically who you could tell he always had a

1:02:23

beer in his hand on stage Yeah, and when he did set

1:02:25

he was like you see his left hand didn't know what to

1:02:27

do Yeah, and I was like, oh I

1:02:29

got I got very lucky the first time ever to

1:02:31

stand up the guy I grabbed a beer and this

1:02:33

guy Who

1:02:36

by the way is working comic I

1:02:38

think he has a huge podcast now called Schmoes

1:02:42

no movies Christian

1:02:44

I'm fucking is I'm sorry,

1:02:47

buddy what? No,

1:02:49

it's not Markellas, but it's he's good friends

1:02:51

of Markellas. He was a comedy store comic

1:02:54

Random as fuck our first time doing stand-up

1:02:56

in Tallahassee. He's there. Yeah, and and You

1:03:00

grabbed a beer and I grabbed a beer and he stopped me and

1:03:02

he said I wouldn't do that apart of you By

1:03:04

the way, we're the same age with both 25 20 maybe 20 was 24 And

1:03:08

he was like if you do that now to get on stage,

1:03:11

you're gonna always need to do that to get on stage Yeah,

1:03:13

I went oh you should do it sober and take this like

1:03:15

a job So if you're gonna do this for a living you

1:03:17

should be able to do it sober Yeah, I didn't drink that

1:03:19

night and I had a black you took your shirt off I

1:03:21

did not that's back when I performed with the

1:03:24

shirt. I would know really I know the shirt I works

1:03:26

I wear that shirt on stage for the first. I'm very

1:03:28

ritualistic like and my biggest one of my biggest

1:03:31

Anxiety-inducing things is what was I gonna wear

1:03:33

on stage? It used to make

1:03:35

me fucking crazy. I've never been a ritual

1:03:37

person I've never I don't like rituals. I

1:03:40

don't like I don't even like traditions really

1:03:42

now. I love traditions I love rituals I

1:03:44

do I have this I shower the same

1:03:46

way before I fly every day every time

1:03:49

Every time I fly I just name exactly

1:03:51

you know Andy won't jerk off before he flies He

1:03:55

has like a whole team down yeah, he's like

1:03:58

he's a Somewhere

1:04:00

in his brain, he was like, if I

1:04:02

jerk off, the plane's going down. I

1:04:05

identify with that. And he like will not.

1:04:07

I won't jerk off for a special. Yeah,

1:04:09

really? Yeah. That's

1:04:11

so odd to me. Yeah, I. I

1:04:15

guess I've just never, I am always just like, I'm

1:04:18

not keeping track of my life as

1:04:20

well as I could, I guess. Rituals are

1:04:22

really relaxing. They can make you crazy, I

1:04:24

have the same ritual. They don't seem relaxing.

1:04:27

Everyone I know that has rituals is

1:04:29

very regimented and anxiety

1:04:31

ridden. I used to wear the

1:04:33

exact same clothes every

1:04:36

flight. Okay, why?

1:04:38

Same clothes. Because

1:04:40

it worked the first time. What

1:04:43

do you mean it worked? I didn't die.

1:04:46

That's, you know that

1:04:48

that's the pilot. You can find pictures, I'm

1:04:50

sure. Wait,

1:04:53

but Bert, you know that that's the pilot.

1:04:55

No, it was my ritual. When you say that

1:04:57

worked. It was my ritual, fucking fixed them. Everyone

1:04:59

on the plane, I used to think they owe

1:05:01

me. They owe me, everyone on this plane

1:05:03

owes me because I said prayers for all of us. I

1:05:06

did, I got, I wore the same thing. I

1:05:08

got on the plane the same way. I did

1:05:10

the exact same thing when I get on the

1:05:13

plane. I touch the plane a certain way. So

1:05:15

you think your God and your little outfits are

1:05:17

saving an entire plane. You are God in your

1:05:19

own world, right? Like you are God.

1:05:23

I heard today was it. I'm

1:05:25

starting to understand how you make so much

1:05:27

money. You

1:05:29

are your own God. Like when I

1:05:32

die, the world ends. Yeah. So

1:05:34

you are God. Like I. I get what you're saying.

1:05:36

Like if you don't believe in death, you're

1:05:39

gonna be right 99% of the time. And

1:05:43

then one time you're gonna be wrong. You're gonna be like, oh fuck,

1:05:45

I guess I was wrong. That's really fucking deep. You have been smoking

1:05:47

weed. I, I'm, I, I had

1:05:50

a, I had a. You don't believe in

1:05:52

death. You are gonna be right 99.9% of the

1:05:54

time. Yeah.

1:05:57

Every time people die, you always go, oof, I was.

1:06:00

them. That

1:06:02

was crazy. I guess that happens to everyone but me. So when a plane

1:06:04

goes down, you're like, should have worn

1:06:06

the hoodie and the sweatpants. Well, I

1:06:09

will at this point. By

1:06:11

the way, this is how crazy I am. I

1:06:13

do the same thing every time before I fly.

1:06:15

I squat down, like

1:06:20

a catcher, I squat down in the shower. I

1:06:22

have to be covered in soap. I cover my

1:06:25

entire body in soap and then I squat down.

1:06:27

The first thing I say is,

1:06:30

God, are we going to die today? And I can

1:06:32

see him shake his head, no. And I go, are

1:06:34

we going to live? And he goes, yes, I go,

1:06:36

let's get there. And so then we track our flight

1:06:38

in my head. I track a safe voyage

1:06:41

in my head of the plane going from,

1:06:43

and I will have to redo it if

1:06:45

I'm going out of Burbank. Like

1:06:48

I have to redo it. So I'll do it out

1:06:50

of LAX. I go LAX to Vegas, LAX to Vegas,

1:06:52

LAX to Vegas. I go six free takeoffs. One, two,

1:06:54

three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six.

1:06:56

One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, five, six.

1:06:58

Get me there. One, two, three, five, six, six, eight

1:07:00

landings. And then one more time for good luck. One,

1:07:03

two, three. And then I circle myself in

1:07:07

safety. I then circle my daughters, our animals,

1:07:09

and Leanne. I circle our house. I do Cottie,

1:07:11

her husband, and their two kids, their two

1:07:13

dogs. I circle their house. I do my

1:07:15

sister and her boyfriend. Circle their house. I do

1:07:17

my parents. I circle their house. I

1:07:19

circle then the whole group of all of us. And then

1:07:22

I come in and I circle me and I land in

1:07:24

the center of my head. And then I

1:07:26

know I'm ready to fly. And then I say a prayer.

1:07:28

I kiss my checklist front and back,

1:07:30

and then I rinse off and I'm ready to

1:07:32

fly. Oh my

1:07:35

God. Have you told a

1:07:37

doctor? No, that's pretty crazy.

1:07:42

That is pretty crazy. You've never

1:07:44

told a doctor this. No, no, no, no.

1:07:46

That is pretty crazy. When I said it

1:07:48

out loud, it makes so much sense in

1:07:51

my head. That's wild that you

1:07:53

have the whole fit. First of all,

1:07:55

the counting, the washing. the

1:08:00

kissing the necklace front and back. My

1:08:02

whole body, including my toes, have to be covered

1:08:05

in soap. Shampoo, and I soap

1:08:07

every part of my body. You're like combining

1:08:09

every kind of OCD into one

1:08:11

ritual. Yeah. That's wild.

1:08:13

And then I would put on a pair of fry boots,

1:08:16

a pair of jeans, I wore these jeans to the concert

1:08:18

the other day for the first time in 13 years. I

1:08:21

haven't worn these jeans in 13 years. It's a

1:08:23

pair of Gap Boot Cut 1969 jeans. Yep.

1:08:26

I wore, I would wear. I remember those jeans. I

1:08:29

remember my ex wearing those jeans. They

1:08:32

still fit me. Yeah. Really, they've

1:08:34

changed jeans. This is all true classics. Yeah. And

1:08:36

they've changed jeans. Jeans are stretchy now, and they're so much

1:08:39

more comfortable. They're so great. They're so much more comfortable. I'm

1:08:41

so glad they made stretchy jeans for men. Oh,

1:08:43

I can't imagine they'd ever go back. You

1:08:46

would never. There's no reason to ever go

1:08:48

back. I would

1:08:50

wear that, and then there was a

1:08:52

company out of Philadelphia that made shirts

1:08:54

that were the bag tags back

1:08:57

in the day. So to have the call letters

1:08:59

of the like ATL, and then it would be

1:09:01

the ticket. I'd wear those shirts and a Gap

1:09:03

Sweat shirt with a vest. Yeah. I

1:09:05

would fly in that every fucking

1:09:09

day. Every fucking flight was in one,

1:09:11

that outfit, a variation of that outfit,

1:09:13

all through Travel Channel, all

1:09:15

through Young Touring, and then, and

1:09:17

then, and then Segura called

1:09:20

me, and I was really weird with rituals, in that

1:09:22

you could get me out of my ritual, but you

1:09:24

had to convince me. Yeah. Segura called me,

1:09:26

and I was gaining weight, and he was like, are you

1:09:28

still wearing jeans on your flights? I said, yeah, and he goes, have you

1:09:30

ever thought about sweatpants? And I said, no, and he goes, I'm gonna send

1:09:32

you a pair, and he sent me a pair, and

1:09:35

I tried him, because he let me, and I've never been

1:09:37

back to jeans. Okay. and

1:09:40

now I just fly in it. But were you freaked out on that flight?

1:09:43

Terrified. It went down. No, no, no,

1:09:45

I lived. I lived, I lived, I lived. I've

1:09:48

had, I've had, I can tell you. And I switched to

1:09:50

sweatpants, and the plane went down. I can tell

1:09:52

you, I can tell you, there's

1:09:54

only been one time, I

1:09:57

didn't do all my rituals. There's only

1:09:59

been one time. that I've flown and

1:10:01

I didn't do my ritual. And what happened? It

1:10:04

was actually one of the best flights of my life. We

1:10:07

were in Ireland, I was with, we used to do this for

1:10:10

Jameson, and I got fucking

1:10:12

wasted that night, and I woke up

1:10:15

like 30 minutes late for the bus to leave,

1:10:17

and I didn't have time and I hadn't packed. And

1:10:20

I went into the shower and I was like, I don't have time for it. I

1:10:22

was like, fuck it, I gotta go home, I guess I'm gonna die. Jesus.

1:10:26

And I was like, I just started drinking. Did

1:10:28

this all happen before, let me ask you this, did this

1:10:30

happen before you had kids? Yeah. Really?

1:10:34

Yeah. Because I've never been

1:10:36

a nervous flier ever, never

1:10:38

worried about it, was always just kind of like, if I

1:10:41

die, I've had a good run,

1:10:43

whatever. When

1:10:45

I said goodbye to Andy and Minnow, I

1:10:47

was like, I'm gonna, I

1:10:49

had to hurl myself into the fucking Uber, first of

1:10:51

all. I had to throw my, Andy

1:10:54

was like, get out, go. Like you gotta

1:10:56

go, the Uber's waiting. I was like crying on her

1:10:58

face, her face is all fucking wet. I

1:11:00

hurl myself into the Uber. And

1:11:02

as I'm leaving, I was like,

1:11:06

because I haven't felt this

1:11:09

kind of emotion before in my life, I

1:11:11

was like, I'm gonna die. I was like, I'm

1:11:13

gonna die today. That's why I'm so sad. And

1:11:16

it wasn't like, I wasn't like, oh, I just had a kid

1:11:18

and maybe it's opened my heart a little bit. I

1:11:21

was like, if I'm getting this emotional, I'm probably gonna

1:11:23

die. It was

1:11:25

like really horrifying. Because there are people

1:11:27

that, like there's people that didn't wanna go

1:11:29

on the plane at 9-11. That's what

1:11:31

I'm saying. I started thinking about them.

1:11:34

And I was like, this is it. I think about them all the

1:11:36

time. I think about them all the time, yes. There was

1:11:38

someone going, I don't know, man. There was

1:11:41

someone that was like, there's a lot of brown people on this

1:11:43

flight. There was someone that thought that. Yeah.

1:11:46

And then as they hijacked, it was like, I should have

1:11:48

listened. I shut up fucking, I

1:11:50

got off a plane. There were people that were worried

1:11:52

about getting to work on time. I got

1:11:55

off a plane in Amarillo.

1:11:58

I didn't get off off. Yeah, I

1:12:03

This is when I was worst at my flying and

1:12:05

the worst was when I first started headlining and I

1:12:07

was flying a lot And I

1:12:10

flew into Amarillo. There was a collab called

1:12:12

the MRO comedy club that Casey. I

1:12:14

forgot Stacey Mora

1:12:16

Stacey Moran and

1:12:19

the Moran brothers Kevin Stacey and I

1:12:22

forget the other guy's name and

1:12:25

I Had partied

1:12:27

I didn't this one. I didn't realize that alcohol

1:12:29

was not good for you the next morning with

1:12:31

anxiety. Yeah, I partied really

1:12:33

hard barely got any sleep got to the got to the

1:12:35

airport and Didn't and

1:12:38

the bars were closed and I was like, oh fuck

1:12:40

and so I got on the plane sober and I

1:12:42

I Was like you're gonna

1:12:44

die this plane is going down. This plane is going down.

1:12:46

Yeah, this plane is going down. Holy fuck

1:12:48

Don't die. Don't you get off get off right now,

1:12:50

right get off and I said fuck it.

1:12:52

Fuck it You don't need to be home. It's an early flight get

1:12:54

a later flight This plane is going down and

1:12:56

then I got up and I will grab

1:12:59

my bag and the flight attendant's like sir Can

1:13:01

I help you? I said I'm getting off the plane She

1:13:04

said we're we're getting ready to

1:13:06

taxi if you just take your seat I was

1:13:08

like I'm getting off this plane and the pilot

1:13:10

said ladies and

1:13:12

gentlemen I'm your pilot Todd

1:13:15

Bray and I went hold on. I grew

1:13:17

up with the Todd Bray I goes

1:13:19

it Todd Bray's a pilot and

1:13:21

it was a captain's name Todd Bray She goes yeah, I

1:13:23

goes he young she was always not yeah,

1:13:25

he's young but he's not I'm not always not young.

1:13:27

Yeah Okay, and

1:13:30

I sat down and goes my buddy flying the plane. I'm gonna

1:13:32

be fine. It's Todd Bray Yeah, I sat down and I took

1:13:34

the flight. I mean then there's a different Todd Bray I'm

1:13:40

really crazy now that I think about it

1:13:42

psychotic. I really am fucking crazy Yeah, I

1:13:44

don't think I I don't think I don't

1:13:46

I don't think you have like OCD

1:13:49

I mean, I'm not a doctor, but that's

1:13:51

fucking a real OCD. Oh,

1:13:53

yeah, but it's it's fine Okay,

1:13:56

so you've known this isn't like the first person

1:13:58

to point out that I had OCD. I I

1:14:00

think I my daughters have it too to a

1:14:02

small I used to put booby traps around the house

1:14:06

Cool like hang skateboards on door

1:14:08

handles For fun. No so

1:14:10

that if someone broke into the house, I'd hear that.

1:14:12

Okay, but did it ever like hurt your kids? No,

1:14:16

but if I ever walked

1:14:18

in the front door of my house and a skateboard fell

1:14:20

on my head because my dad was trying To protect the

1:14:23

family. I Would

1:14:26

call a lawyer Myself as

1:14:29

a minor I'd call one of his friends

1:14:31

But if you're not safe one day you

1:14:33

die like that's how my brain works. I

1:14:35

go you die any anyway No,

1:14:37

but you I don't want to die. I will die

1:14:40

anyway. I don't want to die at the hand of

1:14:42

not being prepared But you

1:14:44

could die because a skateboard fell on

1:14:46

your head from a booby trap that

1:14:48

you that you set up I

1:14:50

would set booby traps up around

1:14:52

the house on every door every

1:14:55

door. Okay, every door had

1:14:57

a skateboard on it Okay, Kevin McAllister It

1:15:04

sounds weird when you say it out loud you're

1:15:06

like, oh this is really crazy Like

1:15:10

it does that was working out too. There's

1:15:13

like a bucket with like hot

1:15:15

oil and feathers and

1:15:17

just like a basket of feathers They should

1:15:19

make that fucking movie of they did I

1:15:21

guess home alone to New York Just

1:15:24

a bunch of OCD like like some villains try

1:15:26

to break into an insane asylum. It's all people

1:15:28

those And

1:15:30

they're like, we're back to been waiting for this. Yeah Yeah,

1:15:32

or just a second or just like a remake

1:15:34

of home alone where the end Kevin

1:15:37

McAllister gets treated for severe

1:15:39

OCD Oh the worst the

1:15:41

worst I ever my OCD ever got. Oh This

1:15:44

was the worst And

1:15:47

this was when I was powerless to it and I

1:15:49

and I Like out of all

1:15:51

the times in my life where like I talk about like, you

1:15:53

know, the Oxy

1:15:56

and Xanax and yeah, but even fully loaded

1:15:58

when I was part at my most.

1:16:01

The one time I was truly out

1:16:03

of control was I had a

1:16:05

one night stand, my only one night stand I've

1:16:08

ever had, maybe I had two, but like a

1:16:10

real legit one night stand and

1:16:12

I convinced myself I had every venereal

1:16:14

disease in the world. And it

1:16:17

rose, but if you think I'm crazy now, every

1:16:20

night ended with me smoking

1:16:23

a joint drinking a 40 of 8

1:16:26

ball with my dick

1:16:28

and balls and a bowl of white vinegar watching

1:16:34

Quantum Leap. Okay, well that's just how you

1:16:36

cure a yeast infection. So I've been there.

1:16:38

Well that, because I didn't, and then I

1:16:40

got so bad, I got so bad because

1:16:43

I was obsessed, I became

1:16:45

obsessive about it that I would

1:16:48

look at my dick and balls maybe, I'm

1:16:50

not even joking, maybe

1:16:52

80 times a day. I

1:16:54

would just go to the bathroom and go to the bathroom and go

1:16:56

to the bathroom and then I started putting all these home remedies, the

1:16:58

internet wasn't big then, it was right when I moved to New York.

1:17:01

The internet wasn't what it is today. She was

1:17:03

like taking out books from the library. I was

1:17:05

spraying tenactin on my dick and

1:17:07

balls every fucking day, probably 20

1:17:09

times a day. That burns, right?

1:17:11

It burned so bad. By

1:17:13

the time I got to a doctor, he was like,

1:17:16

whoa, what are you doing? And I

1:17:18

was like, I'm soaking it in white vinegar every night

1:17:20

for about an hour. I'm covering it. I'm covering it

1:17:22

in tenactin and I've tried some other home remedies like

1:17:25

baking soda and white vinegar. He was like, for what?

1:17:27

And I go, I think I got something and he

1:17:29

goes, you're giving it to yourself? And

1:17:32

I was like, no, I'm pretty sure

1:17:34

I have something. And he was like, all

1:17:37

I see is a lot of trauma to the

1:17:39

area. And

1:17:41

I was like, do

1:17:43

I have something? And he goes, no,

1:17:45

because you have nothing, but you're killing

1:17:47

yourself right now. And

1:17:49

my grandmother gave that

1:17:51

day, I went to the doctor

1:17:54

and I came home and my grandmother gave me this

1:17:56

necklace with St. Jude on it. And

1:17:58

he should say it of what? lost causes. Oh,

1:18:00

God. Yeah. And like your venereal disease.

1:18:03

And why was the lost cause I

1:18:05

was lost cause I was hopeless. I

1:18:07

had no fucking end in

1:18:09

sight. My grandmother sitting on my dad's

1:18:11

like out back my dad's house. She drinking

1:18:13

vodka on the rocks. And she

1:18:15

said, and randomly no one knew I

1:18:18

was going through this. I went to my

1:18:20

mom's dermatologist that day. And he

1:18:22

was like, you got to let it go. You gotta

1:18:24

let it go. He's like, I think what

1:18:26

you're dealing with is like a little obsessive compulsiveness. I was

1:18:28

like, no, it's something real. Right. He was like, it's in

1:18:31

your head. He goes, you gotta let it go. And and

1:18:35

so I went home and my

1:18:37

grandmother's drinking vodka on the rocks. And

1:18:39

she said, Did

1:18:42

you tell her that you had burned your dick and

1:18:44

balls off? Anybody, I didn't tell anybody.

1:18:47

And that was like part of my secret. Yeah,

1:18:49

that I wasn't telling anybody. Yeah, like I and

1:18:51

it was like festering. Yeah. And it's all I

1:18:53

could think about. Oh, and

1:18:56

I said, my grandmother goes, I feel like

1:18:58

you're, I feel like you're lost. And

1:19:00

I was like, grandma, you have no fucking

1:19:02

idea. She didn't know

1:19:04

what I was talking about. Your dick is, your

1:19:06

dick is underneath covered

1:19:09

in transactions. Screaming

1:19:13

at you. I was

1:19:15

so bad. I was so bad. Dick

1:19:17

is like, he's lost. Killing

1:19:20

me. He's fucking killing

1:19:23

me. And I, I,

1:19:25

my grandmother said, I feel

1:19:27

like you're lost. And I want to help you. And

1:19:29

I was like, grandma, there's no help for this. I

1:19:31

was drinking with her. Yeah, she said, she said,

1:19:34

I got you something. And she gave

1:19:36

me I have I have actually saw

1:19:38

the card, gave me the card for St. Jude and

1:19:40

gave me the necklace. And she goes, wear this. She

1:19:42

said this. It's so funny. I still think about this.

1:19:45

She goes, even if you're making love, keep

1:19:47

it on. Keep it on. He protects you.

1:19:50

He's the pain. And by the way, every

1:19:52

time I, my necklace hits Leanne, I think

1:19:54

of my grandmother. Oh my God. I'm having

1:19:56

sex with Leanne. I think of my grandmother.

1:19:58

Oh my God. I swear to God. Oh

1:20:01

my God. I swear to God. Do

1:20:03

you think of your grandmother calling you a

1:20:06

lost cause? No, she, her going keep it

1:20:08

on. And

1:20:10

she, and she said, she goes, anytime you

1:20:12

feel lost. And I was like, grandma, you

1:20:15

have no idea how many times that is

1:20:17

a day. Yeah. She goes, anytime

1:20:19

you feel lost, turn the prayer card around,

1:20:21

say a prayer to St. Jude to help you find your way.

1:20:24

And I was like, grandma, she was like, do it. And

1:20:27

anytime you start feeling lost, you say a prayer to

1:20:29

St. Jude, read the prayer. And

1:20:32

by the first, by

1:20:34

that night, I had the prayer memorized. I'd said it so many times.

1:20:36

So I was like, all right, anytime I want to look at my

1:20:38

dick, I'm going to pull up the card, I'm going to read the

1:20:41

prayer. And I said, and I had the card memorized. I

1:20:43

went to a widespread panic concert that

1:20:46

weekend. I went back to New York. And

1:20:49

by the time I got back to New York, I

1:20:51

was cured. I was like, fine.

1:20:53

Can I just say that the advice

1:20:55

that you got from your grandparents

1:20:59

is so different from any advice that

1:21:01

I got from anyone in my family?

1:21:03

What was the advice that I would

1:21:05

get from my grandparents? I

1:21:08

think one of the things that I was

1:21:10

told was if you want to know

1:21:12

if somebody's lying, just

1:21:15

let them talk. Which was like,

1:21:19

that's not advice that I need. I'm like eight.

1:21:21

You know what I mean? They

1:21:23

would give me interrogation advice, interrogating

1:21:26

your enemies. But it was never

1:21:28

like, hey, pray for this,

1:21:30

or this will protect you. It was

1:21:32

always like, if somebody's

1:21:34

lying, look them in the

1:21:37

eyes and just let them talk. They'll

1:21:40

expose themselves after a certain period. I'm

1:21:42

like, what the fuck is this? I

1:21:45

came into a world with the weirdest

1:21:47

set of tools, nothing I could use.

1:21:49

Yeah. That's crazy. It was

1:21:51

like the fucking 48 Laws of Power

1:21:54

kind of shit. It was just in the

1:21:56

movie, Fire Was Over the Killing Moon. When

1:21:59

he goes, yeah. Blackbird and Sharpen are you? Yeah.

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1:23:20

you know Kevin Iso? Uh-uh, I don't

1:23:23

think so. I really love to see like,

1:23:26

Kevin Iso is a comic. He's a New York

1:23:28

comic. Pull him up. I might

1:23:30

follow him. I think he

1:23:32

just went on the road with Ari for a little while. Oh

1:23:35

really? But he's one of the

1:23:37

funniest motherfuckers. And he literally sent me,

1:23:40

he sent me a text of myself from like two

1:23:42

years ago on my way here to

1:23:44

LA. And he goes, this is from before you got fat.

1:23:46

I was like, I

1:23:48

hope you drown. Like

1:23:51

he's just, he's

1:23:53

one of the funniest guys I know. And I

1:23:56

feel like you'd really. I already love rich

1:23:58

trans kids. This joke. is great. Really

1:24:00

we play it. Can we hear it? By

1:24:04

the way, by the way, take a pivot. So

1:24:07

everyone knows your grandfather was a

1:24:10

senator or something. Secretary of State. Secretary of

1:24:12

State. Yeah. My uncle was,

1:24:16

it was

1:24:18

a really big lobbyist.

1:24:20

Yeah. And I texted him

1:24:22

before this started. I just thought this would be cool to share

1:24:24

with you. I

1:24:27

said, you knew James Baker, right? And

1:24:29

he wrote, yes, for years. He's probably

1:24:31

the most gifted public servant of the

1:24:34

last quarter century of the 20th century.

1:24:36

Most importantly, he's a truly decent man,

1:24:38

always kind, always generous. Yeah.

1:24:40

Cool to hear about someone you're related to.

1:24:42

Yeah. I'm the

1:24:47

other day. I'm sitting with his

1:24:49

dumb granddaughter right now. Oh, hold

1:24:53

on. So she's mentally handicapped

1:24:57

and mean. I'm good friends with

1:24:59

his granddaughter. Fuck, I didn't voice text

1:25:01

it. I'm good friends with

1:25:04

his granddaughter who is a hilarious comedian.

1:25:07

So nice to hear these words. I

1:25:10

texted some guy

1:25:12

texted me and he was like, Hey, you're going to be in.

1:25:17

I put this on my stories. He goes, Hey, you're

1:25:19

going to be in Stockton in

1:25:23

January. I would love to bring the

1:25:25

Diaz brothers and some friends to show.

1:25:27

Would that be cool? Yeah. And

1:25:30

I voice texted Absafuckin

1:25:32

Lutely and

1:25:34

it translated. Jesus Christ.

1:25:38

I'm so lonely. Did you

1:25:50

just leave it? I

1:25:52

would have just left it.

1:25:55

I'm so lonely. You

1:26:03

can't correct that because

1:26:05

honestly, you have to

1:26:08

just leave it. You should have just left it.

1:26:11

I'm so happy. So

1:26:13

is that a yes? You

1:26:17

just let the person deal with that

1:26:19

information. I fucking, the

1:26:22

best part of the whole fucking

1:26:24

thing was I texted, hold on,

1:26:27

this is even funnier. I

1:26:29

texted Tommy that day. I

1:26:32

texted Tommy and, hold

1:26:35

on, oh fuck. I

1:26:38

texted Tommy and he

1:26:40

wrote back, hold on, this is

1:26:42

so good. Oh fuck.

1:26:46

I texted, oh, hey, are we

1:26:48

going to hang out on the 23rd and 24th in Austin?

1:26:53

I fly in, I drive in on the 22nd,

1:26:55

but I'd love to spend some time with you.

1:26:58

And he wrote, I'm so fucking lonely. I

1:27:05

couldn't stop laughing. It's

1:27:10

so funny. I

1:27:12

love when boys, do you tell this story on stage?

1:27:15

No, no. That's so good. I want

1:27:17

to, there's, I want to

1:27:19

fucking, I'm so fucking lonely.

1:27:22

I'm trying to respond to every text you

1:27:24

ever send with I'm so

1:27:26

fucking lonely. I'm

1:27:29

trying to write shorter jokes. I'm

1:27:32

trying to write shorter, quick jokes. Right

1:27:35

now that's like the, my process is I

1:27:37

do the big, big stories and then

1:27:39

I try to hammer in a bunch of little

1:27:42

jokes. And

1:27:44

I had, I,

1:27:47

Louis one time said, I love

1:27:49

to go back to my old joke books. I've lost a lot

1:27:51

of old joke books, which I fucking stay up at night thinking

1:27:53

about this. Yeah. But

1:27:57

I found there was a period

1:27:59

of time. I don't know what, I thought I had

1:28:01

a brain tumor, but I

1:28:03

was having wild fucking dreams, wild fucking

1:28:05

dreams. And I was recording them every

1:28:07

morning, they were that crazy. And

1:28:10

I have 35 of them that I found yesterday in

1:28:12

an old computer. And I clicked

1:28:14

on one and it was a dream. And

1:28:17

I can't believe I had this

1:28:19

dream because it was

1:28:21

so, it was,

1:28:23

this is how crazy my brain was when I

1:28:25

was sleeping and my dreams I was having. I

1:28:28

had a dream and I wanna turn

1:28:30

this, I wanna do this into a bit or

1:28:32

like really tighten it into like a four sentence,

1:28:34

a four word sentence that is the

1:28:36

bit. But I had

1:28:39

a dream one time that I was on stage

1:28:42

in front of an audience, candle

1:28:44

lit front stage, right? Old

1:28:46

school and I look over and there's four dudes

1:28:48

in Klan outfits. And then I looked

1:28:51

down and I realized I'm in a Klan outfit, but my

1:28:53

mask is up so you can see my face. And everyone

1:28:55

in the audience is black. And I'm like, holy shit, what

1:28:57

the fuck am I doing here? And

1:28:59

all of a sudden the voice goes, ladies and gentlemen,

1:29:01

please put your hands together for the Click Clack Klan.

1:29:04

And we all started tap dancing. No. I

1:29:06

swear to God, I swear to God. What the fuck?

1:29:08

And I had a dream. It's

1:29:11

more creative than I really am. That

1:29:14

I had a dream that I was in the Click

1:29:16

Clack Klan and we were a tap dance group and

1:29:18

we were so fucking good. And as we were tap

1:29:20

dancing, our robes were like, like waving

1:29:23

up and down and the place was

1:29:25

mesmerized. They were mesmerized. And

1:29:29

that's crazy. I had wild

1:29:31

dreams. I haven't listened to all

1:29:34

of them. I had wild dreams. I had

1:29:36

one dream. This is the dream that, I

1:29:38

had one dream that really fucked me

1:29:40

up. It was the dream that started it. It

1:29:42

was about my buddy killing himself. And

1:29:44

I woke up sobbing, crying, woke up sobbing.

1:29:46

I started crying asleep. Isn't that crazy? That

1:29:48

actually happened to me like two weeks ago.

1:29:51

Wait, what was your dream? I

1:29:53

think it was my mom died.

1:29:56

My mom died and I had to,

1:29:58

it was like an assisted suicide. And

1:30:00

I had to help my mom kill herself.

1:30:03

How? I don't know.

1:30:05

All I remember is there was like a plug, even

1:30:07

though that's not how it works. Like you have to be

1:30:09

on life support to. Oh, they don't actually pull the plug? I

1:30:13

think with assisted suicide, it's not, there's no

1:30:15

plug, right? Wait, do they click a switch? I

1:30:17

don't know. I feel like you have to be

1:30:20

on life support for an unplugging to

1:30:22

occur. I feel like assisted suicide,

1:30:25

there's like a needle involved or something. But

1:30:27

in this dream, she, well,

1:30:30

it's really more of a nightmare since I woke

1:30:32

up sobbing, but she was full,

1:30:35

she was like on life support, even though

1:30:37

she was, maybe it was just like she was plugged

1:30:39

in and that meant she was alive. So

1:30:42

I unplugged, but I had to say goodbye to

1:30:44

her. And I think it was like, you

1:30:46

know, people talk about pregnancy dreams. I never had a single dream

1:30:49

when I was pregnant. No, because I've

1:30:51

been sleep deprived for like five years. So

1:30:53

I just don't dream. I'm like too tired

1:30:55

to form a new memory and I don't

1:30:57

dream. My dreams are fucking awesome. I wish

1:30:59

I had dreams, but I had

1:31:01

this, and I woke up full sobbing,

1:31:03

screaming. And it's like the

1:31:05

worst feeling in the world. I was like, what

1:31:08

the fuck is going on? And then I kept going back to

1:31:10

sleep and I couldn't get out of the dream. I kept like

1:31:12

going back into it. I had

1:31:15

a dream one time, Stacy, you

1:31:18

guys know Stacy, it works for

1:31:20

us. You remember Stacy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:31:22

Totally loaded, Jewish. Yeah. Kind of frizzy

1:31:24

hair. Yeah. Yeah. She

1:31:26

was logged in my brain as Jewish. Yeah, very Jewish.

1:31:29

Yeah. Very Jewish. Yeah. And

1:31:32

so she, I

1:31:34

had a dream one time where

1:31:36

she was in

1:31:38

our office at our old company we worked

1:31:40

for. And she was at her cubicle

1:31:43

and she stood up and she goes, is anybody going

1:31:45

to temple? And I was

1:31:47

like, what the fuck? She's like, hey,

1:31:49

is anybody going to temple? And

1:31:52

I was like, Stacy, calm down. She's like, stop. Is

1:31:54

anybody going to temple? Are

1:31:57

we going to temple? That's why

1:31:59

I walked over. You got a lot of fucking race

1:32:02

related anti-Semitic dreams. It gets

1:32:04

worse. Oh my God. And

1:32:07

so listen, if you're pro-Israel, stop listening now.

1:32:09

And so I go over to

1:32:11

Stacy and I go, Stacy, you got to calm the

1:32:13

fuck down. And all of a sudden the dude in

1:32:16

khakis and a white shirt stands in between us. He

1:32:18

goes, Hey, wake up. You'll

1:32:20

get it. And I wake up and

1:32:23

Stacy at times pregnant with her first son, Daniel.

1:32:26

And I go to tell

1:32:28

him my dream. She goes, I want to hear your stupid fucking dream. And

1:32:31

so I call Stacy and it's early kids

1:32:33

should be up or shoot. No, she

1:32:35

just had Daniel. And so I go

1:32:37

to call Stacy and as the

1:32:39

phone rings, she goes, hello, our cat

1:32:41

walks in the room and goes, Oh

1:32:45

my God. My

1:32:49

brain had heard the cat and then just translated

1:32:51

to a Jewish chick going, is

1:32:53

anybody going to a cat ball? Oh,

1:32:55

yeah. Burt. I

1:32:57

have, but I found 35 of these dreams. And

1:33:01

by the way, they got, and you're like, and

1:33:03

I'm by the way, I'm going to tell you every single one

1:33:05

on the podcast. I'm going to, I'm

1:33:07

going to listen to all of them. What's

1:33:10

funny is that you start listening to a dream and then you go, I

1:33:12

remember having the dream. I

1:33:14

don't remember anything. I think there should be a

1:33:17

podcast because I listen to podcasts. Well, absolutely not

1:33:19

be a podcast for this. A

1:33:21

hundred percent. No. Hear me out. You

1:33:24

haven't heard my pitch. You're going to hear me almost choke on my

1:33:26

own spit, but go ahead. The

1:33:29

dream, the dream podcast would be a

1:33:32

podcast where very soothing voice.

1:33:35

One of the guys who do is my history podcast and

1:33:38

he's like, uh, and,

1:33:41

and they, they get you relaxed. They calm

1:33:43

you down. They then kind of like right

1:33:46

around the time you would should fall asleep like five

1:33:48

minutes in, they start going in and out of talking

1:33:51

where it's moments of silence. So you fall asleep.

1:33:54

And then once you're asleep about seven minutes

1:33:56

in, they go, all right, we're in now

1:33:59

real quick. You're in a room full of weapons.

1:34:01

Which weapon will you pick around you

1:34:03

as a mace a sword a knife

1:34:06

a gun? Pick wisely we're

1:34:08

fighting dragons The most horrifying and then and

1:34:11

then you are in there so I had

1:34:13

a dream There's nothing relaxing about you trying

1:34:15

to pick a sword and a gun and

1:34:17

a knife and then but then they guide

1:34:19

your dreams And then you do product placements

1:34:22

inside the reason I came up with this

1:34:24

is I was I'm tired of talking I

1:34:27

I Took

1:34:30

I took I had a One

1:34:32

time on the road and I was getting sick and they gave me a

1:34:35

bunch of night quill and put me in a hotel Room and I woke

1:34:37

up and as I woke up I

1:34:39

was like I'd listen to a podcast history podcast and

1:34:42

I was like I fucking want a pop tart and

1:34:45

I ordered Like nine boxes

1:34:47

of pop tarts to be delivered to my house. Yeah, I

1:34:49

was like fucking pop tarts I've been sleeping on pop tarts.

1:34:51

They're fucking great that night I get in the bunk and

1:34:53

get ready to go to bed upon the history podcast. It's

1:34:56

a history of pop tarts I

1:34:58

had listened to dreaming and woke up wanting

1:35:01

a pop tart and I was like fuck

1:35:03

man That's product placement if true classic if

1:35:05

true classic really wants to sell you out

1:35:07

gear They should sell to you while you're

1:35:09

sleeping in your dreams real quick in this

1:35:11

room is a sword But first put on

1:35:13

your true classic cash me a sweater It's

1:35:16

off to the touch. It's just as good

1:35:18

as any cashmere, but it's form-fitting You look

1:35:20

good in the nice soft gray with this

1:35:22

stretchy pants. We'll need stretchy jeans in this

1:35:24

room. But my question to you is Do

1:35:28

you listen to podcasts that actually

1:35:30

relax you I listened it I

1:35:32

listen to I can't I get Infuriated when

1:35:34

I hear a soft calming voice on

1:35:36

a podcast I've only been infuriated at

1:35:39

one podcast and it really shined back

1:35:41

on how bad of a podcaster I

1:35:43

am Because I don't let

1:35:45

people finish stories Like I interrupt people and I tell

1:35:47

my story even when they tell their story I tell

1:35:49

I try to like Go story. That's

1:35:51

kind of just like the flow of a conversation. It's just

1:35:54

it is I listen to with

1:35:56

love I say this with love.

1:35:58

I say this into a

1:36:00

podcast on the plane that

1:36:02

gave me an anxiety attack. It was

1:36:04

Legion of Skanks with Martin Skrilly. Oh,

1:36:08

I haven't listened to that. It's a

1:36:11

great podcast because it's funny, but I was really

1:36:13

curious about Martin Skrilly. Yeah. And they'd ask a

1:36:15

great question. And then whatever he said, the whole

1:36:18

room would tag, you know, Big J, right? And

1:36:20

fucking everyone's in there. Shane was on it. Yeah.

1:36:22

Every day. I saw a clip from it. Dave

1:36:24

Smith's on it. Yeah. And so they tag with

1:36:27

like fucking nine because they're playing for the audience.

1:36:29

Right. It was a live podcast. So they're playing

1:36:31

for the audience. So again, last, but I wanted

1:36:33

to hear Martin Skrilly's answers. Yeah. And then I

1:36:36

was like, Oh my God, that's what all my

1:36:38

podcasts sound like. I

1:36:40

was like, why am I what I need to just

1:36:42

go to Legion of Skanks? Yeah, I'm good at interrupting

1:36:45

too. Well, that's what that's what standups

1:36:47

do is we talk over each other because we're waiting

1:36:49

to get a bit off. You know what I mean? But I feel like,

1:36:51

which by the way, I do want to show you this joke. Oh yeah,

1:36:53

yeah, yeah. It's not my joke, but I want to show you this joke.

1:36:55

All right. Um, before I forget,

1:36:58

Kevin Iso. Kevin Iso. Every

1:37:00

time I see a teenager transitioning

1:37:02

and their parents be cool with it, I just

1:37:04

go, Oh, y'all must be richest folks. That's the

1:37:06

only thought I have. Because I know my

1:37:10

dad would have never let me transition into a girl while

1:37:12

I still have boy clothes that fit. So

1:37:18

you ain't think to tell

1:37:20

me you was feeling this

1:37:23

way before I bought all

1:37:25

these LeBron James jerseys. Dwight

1:37:28

Howard jerseys is right there. I could've just got down, but

1:37:30

you want to play. That's

1:37:37

great. He's so good. There's

1:37:40

nothing better than like, Kevin's

1:37:42

fucking great. Like young

1:37:44

standups who like, uh, I

1:37:47

was on the bus with the, I forget who

1:37:49

I was with. Like Moses storm. I

1:37:51

enjoy watching him perform in

1:37:54

a, in a, in the same way that I

1:37:56

enjoyed watching Chappelle when I was young, where I

1:37:58

go, whoo, his brain. Not

1:38:00

tethered. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever the fuck you

1:38:02

want. Yeah, he's doing things that he doesn't know

1:38:05

He doesn't know what boundary he's pushing in front

1:38:07

of these people. He doesn't even realize that's a

1:38:10

boundary to them Yeah, he just is fearless. I

1:38:12

love watching He said he one time he did

1:38:14

this show we're in like Toronto or Vancouver and

1:38:16

he did something on stage It was so wildly

1:38:19

unpredictable that it was tough to follow and and

1:38:21

and they're my audience Yeah, and I and then

1:38:23

at the end he came up to me and

1:38:25

he was like he was like, hey I'm

1:38:27

sorry that I did that like I didn't want to fuck

1:38:30

up the vibe that even he noticed that like Yeah, it

1:38:32

was tough to follow him and I was like

1:38:34

and he's like I won't do that again I go. No, no, no,

1:38:36

no, no. No, that's what I fucking love Yeah,

1:38:38

if I if I can't follow it that's

1:38:40

on me That's not on you you do you the

1:38:42

best you can because that's what I enjoy watching. Well,

1:38:44

you brought Daniel on the road, right? He's

1:38:47

so fucking funny. He was Hard

1:38:50

he's the one that introduced me to he's the one

1:38:52

that introduced me to the comic that I just told

1:38:54

you about He named all the comics. Yeah Impossible

1:38:58

to follow Impossible I like

1:39:00

at the seller when it the short sets and

1:39:02

shit like you go up after Daniel. I I

1:39:05

one time I One

1:39:07

time watched the comic go up after Daniel and

1:39:09

gets so mad at how badly they were doing

1:39:11

wait It was Andy. It was a he went

1:39:13

he did so he got so mad at how

1:39:16

badly he was doing he was like, oh, I'm sorry

1:39:18

Did you want me to talk like this? Like

1:39:20

he got he like lost it like I was like, oh my

1:39:23

god Daniel I like Daniel

1:39:25

someone when we talk about like just

1:39:28

just straight joke writing. Yeah, such a great joke writer I

1:39:30

said, I said to him I go I want to know

1:39:32

about your family I don't know about the village you grew

1:39:34

up and he goes I didn't grow up in a village

1:39:38

I assumed you grew up in a fucking Sing

1:39:41

songy accent. Yeah, like any and

1:39:43

but he is so fun to hang with

1:39:45

yeah Because he's he was

1:39:48

really curious about like everything Any

1:39:51

and you know, he's you know, he like won an award In

1:39:55

Europe that was like that like he would have been set

1:39:57

like he never had to come to America he

1:39:59

could he won some award in Europe where

1:40:01

like if you win it, you're

1:40:03

made, your career is made. And

1:40:05

he took that award and just moved to

1:40:07

New York and just started over.

1:40:11

Like he's that good of a comic

1:40:13

where it's like, he just loves

1:40:16

comedy. He wants to get really

1:40:18

fucking good in a fucking show. Do you know

1:40:20

how that started with him? He

1:40:25

was in Vegas at the seller when

1:40:27

we were doing Vegas. And

1:40:29

someone was like, have you

1:40:32

ever seen Daniel Slauson? I was like, no. And

1:40:34

then like you should bring him out.

1:40:36

He's really funny. So we have him do like 10 minutes.

1:40:40

And he came out for fully loaded in Vegas and he

1:40:42

was so good. I was like, dude, whatever date you want,

1:40:44

we'll bring you out for any of them. And he was like, I

1:40:47

wouldn't mind going through your land. And

1:40:50

so we brought him out for the gorge. He's

1:40:53

really talented. There's so many talented comics

1:40:56

right now that what? Daniel

1:41:00

Simonson. Who's Daniel Slaus? Daniel

1:41:03

Slaus is a, he's, he's another great

1:41:06

comic. He's from where Ireland?

1:41:08

England. I know Daniel Slaus. I know

1:41:11

Daniel Slaus very well. Yeah, I thought so.

1:41:13

Okay. I know Daniel Slaus very well. Yes.

1:41:15

Those fucking the European comics are so there's

1:41:17

so many comics that gave

1:41:19

me like a chance to like open for it. Like do

1:41:21

a set. He was just one of those comics where I

1:41:24

was like, Oh shit, I want, I really want

1:41:26

him to like my set. Yeah. He's man.

1:41:29

It's like, it's frustrating. It's frustrating because

1:41:31

you see all these great comics and then every

1:41:33

now and then you see like a stinker put

1:41:35

out a special. Yeah. And you go, ah, there

1:41:38

should be some threshold because you

1:41:40

know, like there should be some, but

1:41:42

that's the thing. It's like you get these

1:41:44

like people that don't, they

1:41:46

do the first draft every time and the

1:41:49

first draft works because there's, there's

1:41:51

people that are like, yeah, I love that. That's

1:41:54

funny, but they don't, they don't, and

1:41:56