0:00

Hey , sis , welcome to Beyond the Military Podcast

0:02

, where faith-led military women overcome

0:04

burnout and create more balance . Just

0:07

imagine having enough time to focus

0:09

on your faith , family and have more

0:11

fun while still serving as a woman leader

0:13

. In this podcast , you will walk

0:15

away with the tools to help you navigate the busy

0:17

life of a military woman , organize

0:20

your mind , overcome overwhelm and

0:22

create a privatization playbook and

0:24

a balanced blueprint for integrating

0:26

faith , family and career . Yeses

0:28

, in that order . Hi , I'm

0:31

Wendy Ray , woman of God , wife

0:33

, mama of two , army veteran and

0:35

certified life coach , and I'm here to help

0:37

you create a life of meaning outside

0:39

of the military , a life of laughter , joy

0:42

and intentional free time . If you

0:44

are ready to overcome burnout and create balance

0:46

as a faith-led military woman , sis

0:49

, this podcast is for you . So loosen

0:51

up your laces and grab your coffee , because it's time

0:53

to step into freedom and peace . Hello

0:56

, ladies , and welcome to episode 115

0:59

. How are you doing

1:01

? I hope that you're doing well . I

1:03

hope that you are healthy . I

1:05

hope that you are feeling

1:07

amazing and , honestly

1:09

, just ready to get

1:12

through this week and really

1:14

get as much as you can done , because

1:16

that's how I'm feeling now . I am

1:19

just feeling really well

1:21

, feeling really blessed that I'm

1:23

healthy and everything's going well

1:25

, family's doing well . Of

1:28

course , there's always room for improvement . Of course

1:30

there's always

1:32

better seasons , but I'm just so grateful

1:34

and so thankful for where

1:36

I am now and again , just

1:39

hoping that you are also going

1:41

through a similar experience . If

1:43

not , I'm here to remind you that it's okay

1:45

. We are all in different seasons . Some

1:48

of us have it rougher during a certain

1:50

season and some of us have

1:53

it in a different way

1:55

at different seasons

1:57

as well . So , again , I

2:00

want to talk today

2:03

to you about judgments

2:05

, not only like how

2:08

we are judging ourselves , but also judgments

2:10

about our actions . And

2:12

when I talk about this , I am referring

2:14

to also even

2:17

actions that we've already taken and

2:20

even actions that we were wanting to take in

2:22

the future . So , past

2:24

, present and even the future and

2:26

for the most part , you all

2:28

we tend to judge ourselves even

2:31

more on our

2:33

past actions that we've experienced

2:37

, that we've pretty much

2:39

been through , and that

2:41

does affect us . Affect us not

2:43

only in the current moment , but also in the future as

2:46

well , and this is one of the reasons

2:48

why I really want to talk

2:50

about this . And this is really

2:53

big on every individual

2:55

, no matter if you're a woman

2:57

, a man , no matter what you're

2:59

going through in life , no matter what

3:04

goals you have for yourself or what goals you

3:06

don't have for yourself . Like this is something that

3:08

just is a part of

3:10

our human brain

3:12

that comes with us as a package , and

3:15

especially , you know , as

3:17

a Christian , and even if you're not

3:19

a woman of God or you

3:21

consider yourself a Christian , it's still

3:24

going to happen , and so we

3:26

are kind of wired to have

3:28

this mind

3:31

of that's going to remind us that you

3:34

know or find faults

3:36

in either ourselves or in other people

3:39

right In situations

3:41

. So I want

3:43

to offer this episode more

3:45

specifically to . If you're someone

3:47

that is typically most of the time

3:50

hard on yourself , and what I mean

3:52

by that is that you have this expectation

3:54

and if this expectation isn't

3:56

met or you're nowhere near it

3:59

being met , then you really beat yourself

4:01

up and you're just really hard on yourself for not

4:03

really creating

4:05

that result that you expected or the

4:07

expectation was in it . So this

4:10

is really for , again , any

4:12

of you that are , you know , struggling

4:14

with all of that stuff in your mind , and

4:16

, again , it's really difficult

4:19

to see it if you don't become

4:22

aware of it , if you aren't

4:25

completely aware of what's happening in your

4:27

mind , you're not filtering your thoughts , you're

4:29

not really taking the time

4:31

to see what exactly you're judging

4:33

yourself about or still judging

4:36

yourself about , based on the

4:38

past or even in the future . And

4:40

so I want to start by just , you

4:43

know , kind of setting the tone here on hey

4:46

, we're all guilty of this like we are

4:49

the most judgemental species

4:51

humans It'll ever be

4:53

, no matter what you

4:55

know , type of individual you think you are

4:57

, your personality , you know

4:59

, at the end of the day , this

5:02

is something that we typically do

5:04

automatically we judge

5:06

anyone that walks through the door . I mean , within

5:08

an instant , we can come up with you

5:10

know ten great things and ten bad

5:12

things , that you know that person , how that person

5:15

is showing up , and we do that

5:17

in front of the mirror . We do that with

5:19

our children , with our spouses , we

5:21

do that with our family . Members are like , oh , they shouldn't

5:23

be this loud or they shouldn't say

5:25

these words , or , you know

5:27

, look at how they're dressed or just look at their

5:30

personality . I mean , it's just so

5:32

many things that go through our mind and I want to offer

5:34

you this moment to Be okay

5:36

, to consider yourself a judgmental person , or

5:38

even a person that has any

5:41

judgment about anyone else's actions other

5:43

than yourself , because it's completely normal , but

5:46

I , what I also want to emphasize here

5:48

is that we want to be able to be aware of

5:50

when that is happening , because

5:52

it can really show

5:54

up also in your own actions , right , like how

5:57

you are perceiving another individual or

5:59

how you're perceiving yourself . It's really going to show

6:01

on how you show up and how you Really

6:04

respond in that situation

6:07

with other people . And so , again

6:09

, I think this is a very important topic For

6:12

many of us , especially women , when we

6:14

are going through so much already

6:16

within our day-to-day that

6:19

Accumulating or adding to the judgments

6:21

that we already have or continue to accumulate

6:23

are not going to help us show

6:25

up in a way that we would

6:28

, you know , really be proud of or in a way

6:30

that we want to show up . And

6:32

so , again , allowing

6:34

yourself to Be okay

6:36

, that this is a

6:38

part of us evolving , a

6:41

part of us improving and just

6:43

being better humans , better

6:45

women of God and In

6:48

leaders , moms , wives

6:50

, and it's just something that I think the

6:52

more we can practice , the more that we can be

6:54

aware of , the better you will

6:56

be , and so

6:58

, a lot of the times , at

7:01

least , when I'm

7:03

coaching and I there

7:05

to hold a space and Really

7:07

do my best to not

7:09

judge any you

7:13

know any Actions

7:16

or thoughts that they're having or how they're feeling

7:18

about something you know , I

7:20

immediately Don't tell

7:22

myself Okay , you shouldn't be judging her , you

7:24

shouldn't be judging the things that she did

7:26

or how she's thinking . Instead

7:29

, I allow myself to just be

7:31

okay with the judgments that are gonna come up

7:33

, because the more I try to Resist

7:36

myself from doing that , the more the

7:38

judgments gonna come and I'm gonna focus on , you

7:41

know , my clients . You know actions

7:43

or thoughts that they're having . So instead

7:45

, I go in with an open mind and I'm like

7:47

okay , when do you're gonna have judgment about

7:49

whatever this individual says , how the person shows

7:52

up in camera , if they have someone

7:54

you know in the background , if their Wi-Fi

7:56

is slowing down , whatever it may be . I

7:59

already come with an open mind , knowing that that

8:01

is what my mind is going to offer . So what

8:03

I do to help me not

8:06

only say , focus on the actual , on

8:08

my actual client and the actual solution

8:11

for my client and

8:13

how I can , you know , present their thoughts

8:15

to them . What I like to do is

8:17

just be okay with a little bit

8:19

of noise in the background , and that's my mind

8:21

telling me oh , that's a great

8:24

you know color that she has on , or

8:26

it's so great , you know her background is

8:28

amazing . Or , oh , look , there goes her

8:30

son in the background or her daughter in the background , but

8:33

it's going to happen . And so how

8:36

I , you know , deviate from merely

8:38

focusing on what's happening and , you

8:40

know , having all these judgments about maybe

8:43

, oh , you know , or her

8:45

, her daughter

8:48

, should not be , you know , playing in the background

8:50

. It should just be a space for

8:52

her and me , or Anything

8:56

that you know she , how she feels about

8:58

something , oh , she shouldn't feel that way . That's immediately

9:00

gonna , you know , come up in my brain

9:03

because of how my brain already

9:05

works . But what I like to do is not

9:07

focus so much on that , but just be

9:10

okay with . Okay . Yeah , thank

9:12

you for offering me that thought . But

9:14

right now I'm focused on what

9:16

my client is telling me , what's going on

9:18

and really what the problem and how

9:21

I can help Show

9:24

her that she has a solution already and

9:26

to make a decision , and so on and so forth , and the next

9:28

steps instead of being suck , and so

9:31

this is kind of like the similar approach

9:33

that I want to offer you to take when your

9:35

brain is offering you all these judgments , when

9:38

your brain is giving you thoughts

9:40

like what is wrong with me ? Like

9:43

what are you doing ? Like what is

9:45

wrong With my situation

9:47

was wrong with my outcome , because

9:50

our minds are not going to give us that , especially

9:52

when , like , we prepare for something for

9:55

such a long time that when

9:58

you know the outcome is not what you

10:00

expected , your mind immediately is gonna be

10:02

like I told you you shouldn't have done it . I told

10:04

you you should have taken that leap . I told you should

10:06

have just say in their safe area . You

10:09

knew that you were not the one , so why

10:11

did you do it ? And then you , you know you become

10:13

this individual . That's like paying

10:16

attention and risk and actually responding

10:18

to these thoughts that Actually

10:21

are just there to help

10:23

you survive , to

10:25

help you Stay in this

10:27

safe Space . And

10:30

what I mean by that is most

10:32

of the time that we get all

10:35

these judgments , all these thoughts , judgment

10:37

, judgmental thoughts about our actions , is Because

10:40

our brain is just trying to keep us

10:42

safe from any harm

10:44

, and by harm I mean that most

10:47

of the time it's a negative emotion . So

10:49

it could be guilt , it could be shame

10:52

, it could be disappointment , it can even

10:54

be anxiety , it could even be

10:56

the feeling of being stressed out , and

10:59

so that's all our brain is doing . My

11:01

brain all is trying to do is

11:04

to keep me focused most of the time . So

11:06

this is why , when I

11:08

know how my brain operates , I know

11:10

how I am as an individual , I get

11:12

distracted easily . So what

11:14

my brain is trying to do is Tell

11:16

me all these things that can

11:18

be a distractor so that

11:20

I can stay focused . But it's actually

11:23

doing the opposite . It's highlighting to

11:25

me like oh , she shouldn't have , you

11:27

know , her kids in the background . She should

11:29

be more prepared , she should be there on time . She

11:31

should you know all of these things that just

11:33

continue to come in . But

11:36

instead I'm like , no , I'm choosing not to

11:38

really pay attention to these judgmental

11:41

thoughts that are coming in , because this time

11:43

is solely for me to hold

11:45

a space and provide feedback

11:48

based on what's going on in their mind and

11:50

to show them that they have the solution , that

11:52

they have the answer and that they are the

11:55

only ones responsible for their next steps . And

11:58

so for you , when

12:00

you immediately start getting these thoughts , like Again

12:03

, like the most common one is what's wrong with me , what

12:07

is wrong with my situation , what is wrong with my circumstance

12:09

, what is really

12:12

wrong with who

12:14

I'm being ? And the answer

12:16

is nothing . There's nothing wrong

12:19

. And what happens

12:21

is when you start feeling this like shame

12:23

or guilt , or disappointment , that's

12:26

really when you want to start identifying . Okay

12:28

One

12:30

, I understand that this is normal for my

12:32

brain , because my brain is just trying to protect me and

12:34

To this is

12:36

the time for me to become aware , I Of

12:39

when it comes up the most . So

12:43

, for example , if it comes up for you

12:45

After

12:47

you know you you did something that you weren't

12:49

so sure of or you weren't too confident about , then

12:52

you know it's because your brain , again

12:54

, is just trying to keep you safe . It's doing its normal

12:56

thing , trying to protect you . But

12:58

what I also want to offer you to do is to

13:01

just be aware of when

13:04

that those thoughts

13:06

are happening , that exact moment . It's

13:09

a for mostly you may be during presentations , it

13:11

may be when you're putting yourself out there . It

13:13

may be in social interactions

13:15

. It may be when you maybe

13:18

say you're like of

13:20

you have this platform and availability to

13:22

say something and you

13:24

did not say what you intended to say , or

13:28

it happens at home , when

13:30

you're on the way home , and

13:33

now you , you know , have to

13:35

change roles and change the hat

13:37

of , you know , being

13:39

a Supervisor

13:41

to now be in mom and a wife , and

13:44

so being aware of when it comes

13:46

up the most is definitely gonna help you . Because

13:48

what also happens to , at least

13:50

for me , what used to happen Well

13:53

, especially when I used to always be late picking

13:55

up my daughter and my son , I'm

13:57

leaving the office , or I mean late

13:59

in that being there on time again

14:02

for my kids to pick them up , I

14:04

would immediately my mind would be like what is wrong with

14:06

you ? Like what kind of mother are you Picking

14:08

up your kids late almost every single day ? You

14:10

said you weren't gonna do it again . You did it all week this week

14:12

, and here we are again , and so then I

14:14

will show up frustrated at

14:16

myself . I'll be frustrated at myself , I

14:19

would be frustrated with , then , with

14:21

you know , the people at daycare , my kids

14:23

, my husband with now I have to do

14:25

dinner , and I'm just feeling frustrated the whole time

14:27

because , again , I wasn't aware of what

14:30

was happening in my brain . All of these thoughts

14:32

kept compounding and this , these

14:35

feelings of guilt and shame , kept

14:37

compounding as well , which wasn't serving

14:39

me at all . Not even in that moment , again , my mind

14:41

was going back to my , to

14:44

the judgmental thoughts that

14:46

I was having about my past actions

14:49

or actions that I've taken in the

14:51

past , and so the last

14:53

thing I want to offer you here is , you

14:55

know , I want you to really call out that

15:00

specific lie and

15:02

Bring up the truth about that situation

15:04

under the circumstance . So , for example , going

15:06

back to the example that I just gave about

15:08

picking up my kids , right , you

15:11

can now immediately call that out , and

15:13

I mean I can . I do this a lot now

15:15

with a lot of the things that I , you

15:17

know , struggle with or that

15:20

I'm , you know , lacking

15:22

, or maybe even not Up

15:25

to where I want to be , and

15:28

even , as you know , through this pregnancy right

15:30

, Sometimes I want to wake up , how

15:32

I used to wake up before 4 , 30 , 4 , 45

15:35

at the latest and go to the gym and do all

15:37

of these things . But because now I

15:39

know that my body is changing , I am in a whole

15:41

different sleep schedule and I'm adjusting

15:44

, I have to remind myself , okay

15:46

, first of all , no , I am not lazy

15:48

to . It's not because

15:50

I am Super

15:52

tired or exhausted , it's because I

15:54

actually am wanting to take , I

15:57

am willing and Wanted

15:59

to take time to really focus

16:01

on my rest . And so

16:03

when I can't really call out , you

16:06

know , it's not because I'm lazy , it's not because I

16:08

don't have anything to do , or

16:10

it's not because my work isn't

16:12

important or my working out or my prayer

16:14

time isn't important . It's because

16:16

in that in , in that

16:18

day or in that moment , hey

16:21

, I just want , I just decided to sleep in . It's

16:23

that simple . Or Again

16:25

, going back to the example that I gave earlier , it's

16:27

not that I couldn't leave Earlier

16:31

. Is that I decided and made that choice

16:33

to leave later because of this XYZ

16:35

project or this meeting that came

16:37

up , has nothing to do with my parenting , has

16:39

nothing to do with how

16:42

I've responded

16:45

or acted in the past . It has

16:47

a lot to do with the choice and decision

16:49

that I made in that moment . And

16:52

so , again , doing that and really being

16:54

okay with having

16:56

these judgmental thoughts , having these

16:58

thoughts that are always going to come up , no matter what , no

17:01

matter how much coaching you do , no matter how

17:03

much education you get , no matter

17:05

how much money you have in the bank , there will always

17:08

be judgmental thoughts that come through your

17:10

brain because , again , your brain

17:12

is just trying to help you out , keep you safe , keeping

17:15

you in this positive emotion instead of a negative

17:17

emotion . No one wants to feel guilty

17:19

or shame , or disappointment or anxiety , so

17:22

our brain is just doing its thing . But now

17:24

here's another thing that I wanna add and I

17:26

don't have this in my notes , by the way , and the

17:28

way it just came to mind , being

17:32

okay , too , with taking this

17:35

to prayer , taking this to God , and really

17:37

asking yourself is this

17:39

something that is of God ? Is this something

17:41

that God would want me to be focused

17:44

on right now ? And if the answer is no , then just

17:46

allow it to come through . There's nothing that you can

17:48

do to

17:51

block that thought from coming in

17:53

. You don't wanna resist

17:55

the thoughts that are coming in , because

17:58

it's just how your brain has

18:01

been wired on the thinking right . What

18:03

you wanna do now is create different paths

18:05

of wiring of

18:08

what your mind has been so used to offering

18:10

you . So , for example , like

18:12

I said , these

18:15

three steps . You want to be able

18:17

to go through these three

18:20

steps and continue

18:22

to do this every single time

18:24

you are feeling

18:27

this whole judgmental

18:29

peace , judgmental thoughts are coming

18:31

up when all you're

18:33

trying to do is go

18:36

on about your day and not be hard on yourself

18:38

. So if you feel like you are

18:40

becoming really hard on yourself and you're just beating

18:42

yourself up about things that happened

18:45

months , maybe even years ago

18:47

, this is the time for you to really

18:49

go through these three steps . And again , the first step

18:51

is understand that this is normal of

18:53

your brain to do this . This is your brain

18:55

trying to keep you from feeling a negative

18:58

emotion . And two , you

19:00

wanna become aware of when it comes up the most

19:02

, like when you're at work , when

19:05

you are presenting

19:08

something , when you are getting ready to

19:10

do something new , when you are

19:13

spending time with your kids , with your spouse

19:15

, when you're going on a vacation

19:17

like , are you feeling guilty for taking a vacation ? Whenever

19:20

that time is , you wanna

19:22

become aware of when it happens , because

19:24

it's something that you've already

19:26

wired and trained your brain

19:28

to do during this round time . And

19:31

then you wanna call out that lie and

19:33

really talk your way

19:36

into the truth . Right ? What is the truth

19:38

about the situation ? And

19:40

, like I gave the example earlier , no

19:42

, I am not a

19:44

terrible mother because I

19:47

left work late . This is what I have to do

19:49

at work . You know , something that needed to get

19:51

done in order for me to

19:53

spend time with my kids and not think about

19:56

work , and not have to do work while my

19:58

kids are in the tub or while my kids

20:00

are eating dinner , and so things like that

20:02

for you to refocus on

20:04

what's really happening

20:07

here and not allowing your brain

20:10

to take you places like , oh well , look

20:12

, there's something wrong with you . It looks like you're a terrible

20:15

mom . It looks like you're just . You know

20:17

you could be doing better , and then you become

20:19

, you know , this individual that's just

20:21

really hard on themselves . So

20:23

this is what I wanna offer you Do

20:26

these three steps whenever you're starting to feel

20:28

as if you're just

20:30

having , you know , to find

20:33

faults , either about yourself , about

20:35

others , about your situation that

20:38

is causing all of this Disappointment

20:42

, guilt , shame , even

20:44

regret , or anger and anxiety

20:46

. So I hope that you

20:48

do this , that you practice this and you continue

20:50

to be aware of really what's happening

20:52

when these Judgmental thoughts are coming

20:54

in , about any action that you take

20:56

in or any action that you have taken in the past , and

20:58

more so , too , even if

21:00

you haven't taken that action yet

21:02

, your mind is gonna offer you so many

21:05

things and so many Thoughts

21:07

on you know one , why you

21:10

should be doing this in the future , based on your

21:12

past or even based on your

21:14

current situation . So , again

21:16

, I hope that you are able

21:18

to do this exercise . I hope that you're able to really

21:21

hone in on you

21:23

know what these judgments are

21:25

and really be more specific and

21:28

be able to decipher really what

21:30

it is that maybe keeping you there

21:32

, maybe keeping you stuck , maybe keeping you from

21:34

actually pursuing the things

21:36

that you want to do . I hope that this is helpful

21:39

. Please Let me know , send me

21:41

an email you can go to hello at when you're a

21:43

calm and Let me know how you're

21:45

using this . You can also leave me a review . All

21:48

you have to do is go to Apple podcast

21:50

, scroll to the very bottom , let

21:52

me know what you think and also if

21:54

there's any other topic that you want me to touch

21:56

on . Alright , I hope that this blesses

21:58

you and that you enjoy the rest of your week . Talk

22:01

to you soon . Bye , hey

22:04

, lady . If this podcast helped you , challenge

22:07

you or inspired you in some way , please

22:09

leave me a written review for the show on Apple podcast

22:11

and share it with another military sister . Helping

22:14

you integrate balance prioritization

22:16

in a growth in your relationship with God is

22:18

my ultimate calling . I'm so blessed that

22:20

you were here . Please join us in

22:23

the faith-led military women community on

22:25

Facebook at bitly For

22:27

slash beyond the military

22:29

g rp . Again , it is bitly

22:32

beyond the military g rp

22:34

. All right , talk to you soon . Bye

22:36

.