0:01

The following podcast is a dear media

0:03

production. This

0:17

weekend, I had a dinner party

0:19

for Andrew, like 12, 14 people,

0:21

closest friends. You know, I got

0:24

the table class, I rented the chairs. I

0:27

did the whole thing. I made a gorgeous

0:29

spread, and by me, I mean Chef Willie

0:31

Baldwin, shout out. He

0:33

made like a New York steak

0:35

with a chimichurri, okay? A

0:38

like herb-crusted

0:40

salmon with a

0:43

caper remoulade, roasted potatoes,

0:45

an arugula farro salad

0:47

with like watermelon radish,

0:49

caramelized mushroom onion flatbreads,

0:52

a burrata crostini. And

0:54

then this dumb

0:56

bitch high-tailed it to an Albertsons

0:59

and got just the grossest display

1:02

of tacky cupcakes, highs and lows, baby. I

1:04

like a tacky birthday cake. I think it's

1:06

funny. I think it's niche. I think it's

1:08

quiche, you know? I

1:11

did a martini bar with vintage assorted

1:13

martini glasses with a variety of vodka

1:15

and gins with every topping known to

1:17

mankind, okay? You got to have your

1:19

cocktail onion. You got to have your

1:21

regular olive. You have to have your

1:24

blue cheese olive. You have to have

1:26

a cucumber, a lemon, and a lime,

1:28

okay? Just it covers

1:30

every fucking base. So

1:32

you know, Andrew was

1:34

feeling herself, and I

1:37

could see that the tequila was flowing. There

1:40

were cigarettes, door dashed to the home, which

1:42

is a whole other fucking story. And

1:45

you know, the evening started to

1:47

pop off around 1030. I

1:50

look over at Andrew, who's looking like Gary

1:52

Busey at this point, and I think, huh, someone

1:55

is going to have to wake up with the

1:57

fucking baby, who is also ruining my

1:59

life. this week because God

2:01

took him to the doctor on Wednesday. He's got

2:04

a fucking ear infection now. We can't get a

2:06

break. Okay. Like it is viral

2:08

city up in this house. We've got

2:10

earaches, colds, flus, coughs. It's fucking

2:13

annoying. Okay. And little

2:16

Gypsy Rose, AKA my son Clyde,

2:19

he likes the moxicillin. Okay. He likes

2:21

Tammeflu. He likes a Tylenol. He likes

2:24

a Motrin and I'm kind of like

2:26

granola adjacent. I don't think I've ever

2:28

even been on antibiotics. Okay. Like I'm

2:31

not, I take nothing. I

2:33

don't have before getting birth and before

2:35

having a baby, I didn't have a

2:38

doctor. Okay. My last, the last doctor

2:40

I saw was my pediatrician who is

2:42

now my son's pediatrician. So I

2:45

take a hands off approach

2:47

to modern medicine, but

2:50

this fucker, I, it's just

2:52

every day is something real

2:55

life. Ruiner. Um, I called max and I was

2:57

like, I don't know what to do. Max goes,

2:59

is it too late for the shake method? Lol

3:01

clip it, send it to CPS. So

3:05

I realized at that point in the evening that

3:07

I need to cool it on the teenies because

3:09

I'm probably going to be the guiding light that

3:11

brings our family to shore the

3:13

very next morning. So,

3:16

you know, at a certain point, these are all my

3:18

best friends. I don't give a fuck. Like I'll go

3:20

into my room, take a shower, put on my pajamas.

3:23

And that's like my first hint that I want everyone

3:25

to get the fuck out or at least like

3:28

relocate further away from my bedroom, like

3:30

go outside somewhere, go somewhere else. You

3:32

know what I mean? It's,

3:35

it's step one. Okay. So

3:38

after Andrew, uh, ran out 20

3:40

minutes before our party started to

3:42

go to the home Depot to

3:45

get floodlights so that he could

3:47

have like a prison adjacent basketball

3:49

game at 1am. This is

3:51

true story. I'm like, Andrew, where, where's

3:54

Andy? Where's Andy? I'm thinking he's

3:56

in the shower getting ready for this gorgeous

3:58

dinner that I've hosted for him. them. But

4:01

alas, she's in her jogger

4:03

pants, hightailing it to Home Depot because

4:05

she needs to get some floodlights because

4:07

our outdoor landscaping lights aren't enough and

4:09

he wants to have a b-ball game

4:11

later. I mean, I'm just like, I'm

4:13

like, you know, I

4:15

was going for like

4:18

muted candlelight, warm,

4:20

uh, mixed

4:22

metals, mixed glassware, chic

4:26

sensible winter dinner party. I

4:28

wasn't going for, you know,

4:31

fulsome prison b-ball with the

4:33

boys. Another element of

4:35

every party that I have is that my

4:38

brother-in-law, Evan, wants to perform.

4:40

Okay. Somebody somewhere somehow

4:42

told him that he has beautiful

4:44

vocal texture and I low-key think

4:47

he does. So it takes

4:49

about half a beer and just

4:52

a plug-in mic off of Amazon for

4:54

him to really pop the fuck off.

4:56

Now he's gotten a little

4:58

stagnant stale with his discography. He sings

5:01

shallows, which I mean white people, so

5:03

embarrassing. And his other one is Harvest

5:05

Moon, which is sweet, but both are

5:07

a bit of a buzzkill. So I

5:09

said to him earlier this week, I

5:12

said, yo, Ev,

5:14

if you're going to perform and let's face it, we all know

5:16

you fucking are okay. I'm going

5:18

to need you to delight us with

5:20

a surprise, you know, a new

5:23

selection, something that gets the party

5:25

started. But don't

5:27

also don't take that literally like you

5:29

can't sing pink, get this party started

5:32

because I will fucking bully you and punch

5:34

you in the throat. Give us

5:36

something different. Give us something surprising.

5:38

Give us something that's going to show off

5:40

your range that's going to unite the party.

5:44

Now what he had prepared, I

5:46

was not expecting. We

5:48

all sit down. I get Evan,

5:50

his bedazzled Amazon mic. We

5:52

all load up our drinks, strap in

5:55

for the ride of our lives. And

5:57

Evan goes, tonight I will be

5:59

performing. burning, Hotline Bling.

6:03

Andrew Gaffod, our friend John Gaffod, they

6:05

assume their position, they grab their instruments,

6:07

very David and Yolanda. And

6:10

my brother-in-law gives us what can

6:12

only be described as a seductive,

6:14

crooning, acoustic rendition

6:18

of Hotline Bling. And it

6:20

was stunning. Then, you know, the crowd wanted

6:22

more. We say, Evan, do you

6:24

have anything else prepared? He goes, ugh,

6:27

you know, he was struggling. He only prepared one

6:29

song. We gotta have a talk about that because

6:31

stars should always be prepared with at least a

6:34

45 to 75 minute set. He

6:38

looks at Andrew and he goes, let's do Take

6:40

On Me. Andrew and John kind

6:42

of look at each other, find the key, and

6:44

a five, six, seven, eight. Evan

6:47

hits us. Take

6:49

on me, take on me, and

6:52

then he'll be fine.

6:55

And then he lost it in the falsetto or

6:57

whatever that's called. It was about a 20 second

6:59

performance and then it was a fucking rap. From

7:02

that point on, Andrew needed B-ball. He needed

7:04

it hard. He needed it nasty and he

7:06

needed fucking tequila. When

7:08

I saw those floodlights go on in

7:11

my fucking driveway and rap

7:14

music start playing at level 300, this is

7:16

all around midnight. I'm like, I'm

7:19

going to call the cops on my own fucking

7:21

house because I don't want to deal with this

7:23

shit. Then the cigarettes were delivered. I

7:26

look outside, I see Andrew chain

7:28

smoking cigarettes with a glass, a

7:30

gallon of tequila, okay? Shootin'

7:33

B-ball with the bros in the pouring rain. I look

7:35

at my friend Kelly and I said, listen, we're

7:38

going to relocate to my bedroom, light the

7:40

fireplace. I'm taking my fourth shower of the

7:43

day, putting my pajamas on, and we're watching

7:45

Bethany Ever After. She's never seen

7:47

Bethany Ever After. I said, you know what's scarier

7:49

than watching these dumb fucks play basketball at midnight

7:51

in the pouring rain? And I'm

7:54

just praying for a twisted

7:56

ankle at this point. I said, Bethany

7:58

for ankle season two. Bethany ever

8:00

after season two when those fuckers get

8:02

on the boat Okay, the sailboat to

8:04

nowhere in the Hamptons with the focaccia

8:07

ill-equipped doctor. That's a horror story get

8:09

in bed. Kelly Around

8:11

2 a.m. I wake up and

8:14

I see the dim light of the kitchen.

8:16

Okay, I walk in there Andrew

8:19

is standing over the kitchen

8:21

sink with a cold

8:24

Tupperware of leftover lobster

8:26

bucatini shoveling it down

8:29

like he is headed to the electric chair

8:31

and Metaphorically, he was headed to

8:33

the electric chair because the next morning I

8:35

looked over at him looking

8:37

truly and non jokingly like

8:39

a busted Gary Busey foaming

8:42

at the mouth Okay, reeking

8:44

of tequila and cigarettes and

8:47

our baby wakes up at 555

8:50

a.m. Okay, and I'm working on three hours

8:53

of sleep Also a little

8:55

puffy from the teenies and I have

8:57

to go because I'm a goddamn Mother

8:59

and a pillar of my family unit

9:01

to go take care of that screaming

9:04

Irinfected baby while Andy I

9:09

walked in with the baby around 932. I said Andrew I'm

9:13

going to need you to buck the

9:16

fuck up here. I don't care if you need

9:18

to take Quaaludes take a

9:20

bath with bleach or a toaster

9:23

Like get an IV you need to

9:25

figure it the fuck out Immediately because

9:28

I'm not doing this shit all day

9:30

long by myself. You need to fucking

9:32

rally here, bro The

9:34

empathy well hath run dry you

9:37

are in this position because of

9:39

terrible life choices Therefore

9:42

I'm not making Accommodations

9:45

for you the sacrifices that

9:47

I have made this week as a

9:49

mother Prioritizing my

9:52

son's well-being is truly ambitious and I'm

9:54

gonna tell you why Andrew

9:57

was born on Valentine's Day. That was on

9:59

Wednesday knowing that I was having this gorgeous

10:01

dinner party for him. I said, Andrew, and

10:03

he'd said this really, but I'm going to

10:06

give him like a morsel of credit. He

10:08

goes, no, no babe. It's Valentine's day. I

10:10

got you girly. Let me make you dinner.

10:12

Okay. Sit back, relax. He got

10:14

me a glass of champagne, some caviar, put

10:17

on my stories. And he said, don't come

10:19

in the kitchen for three and a half

10:21

hours, which means, you

10:23

know, dangerous times ahead. Okay. He

10:26

looked up some recipe for a

10:29

lobster pasta, okay, which seems completely

10:31

out of his talent

10:33

range in the kitchen. But I said, you know what?

10:36

I'm going to go hands off. Let her

10:39

run, let her go. And if you get

10:41

any fucking tomato paste on

10:43

my Calcutta Vaguely honed countertops,

10:47

there will be blood to match the

10:49

tomato paste, okay? Except not in the

10:51

kitchen, somewhere else. In the backyard, when

10:54

I bury you alive with the shovel,

10:56

okay, with a shovel. So

10:58

I had this idea. Just as a gag,

11:00

okay, that Andrew would come home from work.

11:03

I told my manager this story, and she said, please don't

11:05

throw this on the podcast, but you know, can't

11:09

put baby in a corner, so here she goes.

11:11

Sorry, Dunia. I

11:13

had this idea, okay, to lay

11:15

Clyde naked on

11:18

the dining room table, okay, covered

11:20

in sushi. You know,

11:22

Kim Cottrell walked, so Clyde

11:24

could run, probably to

11:26

a fucking therapist, but I just

11:29

thought it would be the funniest thing if I lit

11:31

a bunch of candles, okay, laid his

11:33

ass out on the dining room table, put a

11:35

little piece of salmon, a little piece of tuna,

11:38

maybe an uni, maybe some

11:40

ikura, and just covered

11:42

him with raw fish, okay? Just

11:46

like something sexy, unique. Vicki Gunvalson could come

11:48

over and tell him that he needs to

11:50

go to college. It's a very niche Housewives

11:52

of OC reference. If you get it, you

11:55

get it. If you don't, fuck

11:57

off. I

11:59

would like... 96% serious about orchestrating

12:01

and facilitating it. But A, I don't

12:03

really feel like going to jail before

12:05

I go to Paris and get the

12:07

new Bottega Andiamo bag, you know what

12:09

I'm saying? But I feel

12:12

like the window of a nude

12:14

sushi surprise on the baby is

12:17

dwindling because he's less mobile now,

12:19

he's kind of rolling, but not

12:21

totally rolling. So

12:24

that was a bust. I was

12:26

prioritizing my son's health, sanitation and

12:28

comfortability above personal and public amusement

12:30

by covering his naked body with

12:32

fucking sushi. Because on Wednesday,

12:34

happy Valentine's Day to Jackie, I'd be

12:36

taken to the doctor and find out

12:39

that he had an ear infection and

12:41

bring on the amoxicillin. That

12:43

little fucker, I swear to God, my baby, when

12:45

he sees a syringe, he gets a

12:47

twinkle in his eye, he starts grabbing.

12:50

His motor skills are basically solely dependent

12:52

on syringes at this point. He sees

12:54

one and he reaches for it. And

12:57

it's amazing. All of

13:00

the loose grasping of a six month

13:02

old comes laser focused when that fucker

13:04

sees a syringe full of damaflu or

13:06

amoxicillin, we've got a problem on our

13:08

hands, just call me Dee Dee. Clyde's

13:11

pediatrician is super, super old school. When

13:13

I went and met with all the

13:15

doctors, I didn't like the

13:17

corporate feeling of a lot of these medical

13:20

groups and you have to get the app

13:22

and then make the appointment to get online.

13:24

And then it feels very sterile and impersonal.

13:27

So the pediatrician we went with

13:29

is super, super old school,

13:31

like little to no bedside manner,

13:34

gives no fucks, could call him at

13:36

3 a.m. and he'd like roll over

13:38

in a hatchback and like look at our baby, okay?

13:40

You know what I mean? So

13:42

it's very nice, it's more my speed,

13:44

it's more my tempo. He's not throwing

13:46

antibiotics at everything. He's got kind of

13:48

like an old school rough and tumble

13:50

approach, which I fucking like, okay? Let's

13:53

call him Dr. Greenberg. So

13:56

I take Clyde to Dr. Greenberg to get

13:59

his... temperature check because he was losing

14:01

his shit on Wednesday. I'm like, something, something,

14:04

it's not right. Call me Miss

14:06

Cabo. Prickly skin. I

14:08

can't like I'll bully Andrew till the

14:10

depths of time for my skin feels

14:12

prickly. Oh, here's another one after you

14:15

woke up after chain smoking cigarettes downing

14:17

tequila all night and like playing basketball

14:19

till two a.m. in 13 degree weather,

14:22

he wakes up and I go, how are

14:24

you feeling? He's like, not good. And I'm like,

14:26

yeah, you you're looking you look fucking gray. He

14:28

goes, I think

14:30

I might be getting another cold. My

14:33

throat hurts. I said, really? Really?

14:37

Was it the Marlboro's or the Newport

14:39

Coast or Virginia Slim's or whatever fucking

14:41

cigarettes you were smoking in the driveway

14:45

while chugging tequila

14:47

while thinking you're having

14:49

your Kobe Bryant moment, your Vakak to

14:51

Kobe Bryant moment when you're not listening

14:53

to Tupac ruining my life

14:56

anyways. Is

14:58

your throat sure? So

15:00

I take the baby to the doctor. This

15:02

is back on Wednesday, greener

15:04

pastures and they

15:07

go to take his temperature and they have

15:09

to do it rectally. Now, for whatever reason,

15:12

when he puts that thermometer up, Clyde's but

15:14

Clyde gets the biggest smile. He gets a

15:16

twinkle in his eye and maybe he knows

15:19

that some antibiotic is around the corner and

15:21

that's what made him happy. But doctor looks

15:23

at me, which I love, and says, oh,

15:25

oh. And I said, oh, what

15:28

do you mean? I'm like,

15:30

first of all, that's hilarious. Second of all,

15:32

my joke. Third of all, oh,

15:34

oh, a mother's dream. He looks

15:36

at me, he goes, Dr. Greenberg,

15:38

I swear to God, he goes, you

15:40

like gays? I said, love

15:44

the gays. I practically am a

15:46

gay man. And for me to

15:48

have a gay son would be

15:50

a dream come true. Jesus Christo, listen

15:52

to my goddamn prayers. RuPaul, Moses,

15:54

whoever, a higher being above. You betcha,

15:56

Iris, like a gay son. Oh,

15:58

a fucking dream. He

16:01

goes, huh, I got a niece like you.

16:04

She loves the gays. Everywhere we go, she runs

16:06

into one of them. They're good looking people too,

16:08

you know? They take care of themselves. He said,

16:11

yeah, Dr. Greenberg, they sure fucking do. Yeah,

16:13

all of her friends are gays. I said, you know,

16:15

there's a name for that, Dr. Greenberg. He

16:18

says, really? What? I said,

16:20

bag-hack. You

16:24

know, my baby, Clyde is just

16:26

laying there naked with a thermometer up his ass

16:28

and I'm like, yeah, Dr.

16:30

G, your niece is a fag-hag. He

16:33

goes, huh, I never heard that before.

16:35

I like that. You're funny. I'm like, I

16:37

know. We had such

16:39

a beautiful moment, okay? I'm

16:41

just enriching the medical community

16:44

with my allyship every day

16:46

on the front lines fighting,

16:49

okay, with a rainbow flag.

16:52

I'm your girl, baby. Oh, God, it's so

16:54

fucked up. It's so funny. You

16:57

know what keeps me up at night? Just speaking

16:59

of little kiddies, little kiddos, it

17:02

genuinely baffles me and keeps me

17:04

tossing and turning. People that

17:06

are so up in arms about child labor.

17:08

I don't... I

17:18

love this podcast. Like riddle

17:20

me this, okay? Let's think about this. Let's talk

17:23

shop for a second. By

17:25

shop, I mean sweat shop. Would

17:29

you rather have your kid out

17:31

on the streets doing

17:33

crack or God knows

17:35

what or prefer them

17:38

in a safe, sterile factory, putting

17:40

those little phalanges to work, sewing

17:42

budget crystals on Sheehan halter tops?

17:44

Think about it. This is what's wrong

17:47

with our country. It's like a fucking

17:49

fashion internship. Nobody wants to work anymore.

17:51

I believe the children are

17:54

the future. So fucking sue

17:56

me, okay? Also, please moving forward,

17:58

don't do the thing. and

18:01

say something like, hey Jackie, I love

18:04

your pod, but my cousin worked in

18:06

a sweatshop and it really isn't cool

18:08

to make jokes about child labor. Why

18:10

don't you stop being an asshole and

18:12

letting your own insular experience warp the

18:14

comedy, Jenna? What a sad way to

18:16

live. I'm so fucking baffled by

18:18

people getting offended only when something is

18:20

applicable to them. That should only make

18:23

it funnier. What offends

18:25

you descends you? Grow up.

18:27

If something is personal and

18:29

that's triggering like, hey, my

18:31

name's Jenna, that makes it

18:33

funnier. What's wrong with you?

18:35

Pivot accordingly. Hey,

18:39

you better go to work, work, work, work,

18:41

work, work, let

18:43

your fingers do the work, work, work.

18:45

You can work from home. Well, oh,

18:48

okay. What

18:51

else? What else is going on? I

18:54

have some thoughts post

18:56

Super Bowl wake that obviously are a little delayed

18:58

now at this point, like a week out, but

19:00

I just wanna cover it. So Beyonce, I feel

19:03

like it didn't really touch on it. Beyonce came

19:05

out with two songs, sorry, the Super Bowl, she

19:07

did like a rising commercial, whatever. Beyonce

19:10

is going country, okay? I've listened to Texas

19:12

Hold'em 718 times, love it. It's

19:16

a bop, it's a groove, it's a vibe, okay?

19:18

I like her little, what is it? Like

19:21

a metal disc panty.

19:24

I hate the word panty and

19:26

nothing, nope. We'll never say it again.

19:29

Undergarment, does that work? I

19:32

have one issue with the

19:34

Texas Hold'em. So there

19:36

is a line in the song that says,

19:39

so pop your Lexus and get your keys out. Hold

19:41

on, let me just Google that really quick because it

19:43

doesn't sound right flowing out of my mouth, but maybe

19:45

that's because I have no sauce. Okay,

19:47

I have consulted the internet.

19:49

It says, so park

19:51

your Lexus, woo, and throw your

19:54

kais, kais, why am

19:56

I also speaking in accent? Take two,

19:58

shimmy, so park your Lexus. Whoo!

20:01

And throw your keys up. Eee! There

20:03

you go. Uh, the

20:06

Lexus of it all. Okay, I

20:08

understand a loose rhyme scheme. Texas,

20:11

Lexus. Uh,

20:14

we should have reworked that lyric

20:16

because nothing is less country than

20:18

a fuckin' Lexus. When

20:21

I think of a Lexus, okay,

20:25

I either think of an entry-level Lexus, like

20:27

the IS250, and

20:29

you know the girl that just got back

20:31

from birthright? She wants to show you all

20:33

of her pictures, okay? And

20:35

she wore a curly-sew updo at

20:37

her bat mitzvah. And then she

20:40

got a white entry-level Lexus right

20:42

here. Sweet 16, and she has

20:44

a fuckin' overbite. I think of

20:46

Birthright Barbie, or I think

20:49

of like an elderly Jewish

20:51

couple, okay? In a

20:53

sensible sedan somewhere in

20:55

Florida, whipping and nay-naying to, I

20:58

don't know, a

21:01

macaroni grill for sport.

21:03

I don't think of like a

21:06

down-home country Lexus, you know?

21:09

I don't even know if they have Lexus dealerships

21:12

in the South. It doesn't

21:14

feel like a country car. I

21:16

think of a Ford, I think

21:19

of a truck, I think

21:21

of a Toyota, I think

21:23

of an F-150, I

21:25

think of a Bronco, a

21:28

Wrangler. Listen,

21:31

I spend a lot of time amidst

21:33

the country music community, and I just

21:35

don't know that I've ever seen, you

21:38

know, a real country, country guy

21:40

roll up being a Lexus. I

21:43

just don't see it. It

21:45

don't feel country. If

21:48

we were playing word association, okay?

21:50

And somebody looked across the table

21:52

from me and said, Jackie, your

21:54

turn, Lexus, I would say, pajmina.

21:57

Like That's where my brain goes, Pajmina.

22:00

I'm. Say. Addict. The

22:02

Problems. Congestion. Seasonal

22:05

allergies birthright.

22:08

Crap. Last soup, I'm not

22:10

getting this yee haw from

22:12

Lexus, Just saying. Like.

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24:37

am the greatest star.

24:40

Some more post-super Bowl thoughts.

24:43

Obviously at this point we have now seen 817, you know, videos

24:48

of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey, you

24:50

know, at up in the club, drinking,

24:53

partying, the whole thing, kissing, saying to

24:55

each other, it's all cute. We've all

24:57

seen it. Been there, done that. Obviously

24:59

this is last week's news, but I

25:02

do have some feelings. Now Taylor

25:04

Swift's good friend, her name is, is

25:06

it Kelly or Kaylee Teller, Miles

25:08

Teller's wife. You know, I was on

25:11

the tickety-tock. I'm exploring my new

25:13

algorithm, my for you page, and she

25:15

was posting a lot of like

25:17

behind the scenes videos of Taylor

25:19

and Travis. And you

25:22

know, I had to stop for pause because I

25:24

just don't know how I feel about that. I think

25:28

I'm overkill protective of people's

25:30

privacy. And like, listen, I love to

25:32

see drug Taylor, but I also wish

25:35

people would just like let her go

25:37

be drunk at 5am and not take

25:39

videos of her. Like we're also transphics

25:41

because we just don't see it, because

25:44

we don't get, we don't get the peak behind

25:46

the curtain. But I don't know if I love

25:48

like a close friend

25:51

posting On her

25:53

tick tock and like hashtagging

25:55

hashtag trailer hashtag Love like

25:57

that. feels very like hashtag..

26:00

Travis assets like that feels very

26:02

yikes to me. You know, as

26:04

someone with you know, four and

26:06

a half celebrity friends, the has

26:08

been Peter Dinklage And kidding, I'm

26:10

so hyper aware of exploitation and

26:12

people leveraging off as other people

26:14

via social media. It. Really

26:17

grosses me out. And you know,

26:19

as someone who has literally robbed

26:21

Jennifer Lawrence's house. Like. Taken things

26:23

off the wall. Also, I took the

26:25

most Oh My. God. I.

26:28

Hope she doesn't listen to this because

26:30

she's not getting a vacuous. You will

26:32

never get this back. I took the

26:35

most amazing vintage blue cheese ashtray. From.

26:37

Her house that is like a crystal

26:40

like base with this chrome the loading

26:42

disk. It's from the seventies as looked

26:44

it up on first dead it's a

26:46

hot ticket item. She a one hundred

26:49

percent came over and did not remember

26:51

giving it to me which also makes

26:53

me look inward and think did I

26:55

just saw leads fully steal this from

26:58

her. Regardless, She's

27:00

not getting it back. It's a

27:02

permanent fixture on my coffee table, but

27:04

that's besides the point. Okay, I just

27:06

think the I made about me again.

27:09

it all goes back. It's called a

27:11

bitchy boomerang back to me and my.

27:14

Ashtray I'm I just

27:16

find it should be.

27:19

No. I find it to

27:21

be I'd I don't like the

27:23

hash tags. I don't like the

27:25

Bts. I think that if you're

27:27

really close friends with someone who

27:29

values privacy, Maybe. We put the

27:31

camera in the ring, light down and

27:33

we jones. Ah, Leverage

27:36

are. I

27:38

don't wanna say relevance because that seems

27:40

rude our our traction on social media

27:42

on the backs of our friends living

27:45

their lives okay specially private lands. I

27:47

think it's weird. Speaking.

27:49

of jennifer lopez am i was just like

27:51

to do a quick shout out to clyde

27:54

staff thing i needed to hire an assistant

27:56

i know and this islam into shattering the

27:58

ceilings climate the corporate ladder business woman

28:00

special, get her a blazer,

28:03

okay? Get her a blazer and

28:05

an iPad. Basically,

28:08

I'm just not functioning in

28:10

the way that I need to be functioning. And me and

28:12

Andrew had to talk about it. And I was like, I

28:14

think it's time I hire someone to just

28:16

like help me get my shit together. Because like, you know,

28:18

2024 is the year of effort for

28:21

Jackie Schimel. And even though like,

28:24

you know, I'm a mess and I'm really not a mess.

28:26

I'm a disaster, but I'm really not a disaster.

28:28

I just am very highly disorganized and I need

28:31

someone to come in and streamline my life so

28:33

that I can live efficiently as

28:35

a mother and as a business

28:38

woman, business woman. Now

28:41

that I have a baby, I just can't get my shit together. I'm

28:44

constantly like delayed, delinquent,

28:46

and it's not cute,

28:48

it's not professional. So I

28:51

needed to hire someone. And I was

28:53

like, who? Like, I'm living in

28:55

the stone ages over here. My last gig, I was

28:57

a receptionist at a fucking investment bank. I went to

28:59

a, I had like a,

29:01

you know, a completely fraudulent resume and

29:04

a Manila folder. And I

29:06

went to a recruiter. Like, I just

29:08

don't know how to go about these

29:10

things. So I used, this is like

29:12

not an ad, this is just an

29:15

organic endorsement. I used Clyde Staffing, which

29:17

is Jennifer Lawrence's assistant Megan,

29:19

who is to die

29:21

for star, okay? She

29:24

has this amazing company where

29:26

if you're, you know, interested

29:28

in working in some capacity of the entertainment

29:30

industry or whatever, she

29:33

kind of vets and recruits

29:35

and trains and makes the

29:37

hiring process or

29:40

looking for that type of a role

29:42

process very easy. And I like

29:44

forgot that she had this company. And then I was

29:46

Googling, like, how to find

29:48

an assistant if you're a D-list

29:51

pop star and podcaster that's not

29:53

going to burn Your

29:55

house down or kidnap your kid, you know?? And Then

29:57

Clyde Staffing showed up and I was like, oh my.

30:00

The quietest it's by shared

30:02

as the jews say and.

30:05

You. Know I found some an amazing and

30:07

I'm really excited from an eccentric abysmal

30:09

for moon when I am a business

30:11

one man. You. Will last.

30:13

You will make fun facts of like

30:16

some shit telling line to see You

30:18

know that Yeah secret project not at

30:20

all but like you know we're just

30:22

elevating were just we have more responsibilities

30:24

moving forward and you know I don't

30:27

know why I've decided to take on.

30:29

More. When I have a baby, probably because I just

30:31

wanna be out of the house. A

30:34

mom went viral last week. For

30:37

leaving her child in economy while

30:39

she flew business twelve somebody get

30:41

me some antibiotics. A sad because

30:43

this however is about to go

30:45

viral. Unfortunately this was not me,

30:47

but it sure as fuck will

30:49

be very upset about this. Okay.

30:52

Let's. Break down some logistics here on.

30:54

my parents did this with me. granted

30:56

I was slapped by a woman from

30:58

the Netherlands and why was detained or

31:01

well my parents were in business class

31:03

like with you know second Orchid liaison

31:05

haven't memo says and I was just

31:07

at the very fact of the plane

31:10

practically and cargo kicking the back of

31:12

the seat of this woman from the

31:14

Netherlands who. Upon d planning

31:16

turned around and slaps me and my cousin

31:18

across the face which is hilarious I'm her

31:21

into like a good They deserve debts. Ah

31:23

please. Not valid. Whatever. Not not as. Traumatizing

31:26

experience for anybody. Mages for you know,

31:28

she had to fly her ass right

31:30

back to the Netherlands. And

31:32

it serves a lot of

31:34

like child rearing propaganda. It's.

31:36

It's. Consuming my seed And

31:39

you know. I haven't read

31:41

any of the books that I'm just kicking

31:43

it. Old school. Not totally old school, not

31:45

belts, old school case, but also I met

31:47

in a position to even own a belt.

31:49

At this point. I need to wait like

31:51

another couple months. I get my shit together.

31:53

bets. I just think that you know that

31:56

the gentle parenting. The you never

31:58

say no and everyone do what's best

32:00

for you. obviously for me Like listen.

32:02

I'm. Going look at it may be like yo. It's

32:05

a fast enough like or lock it

32:07

up kid like I'm not afraid to

32:09

like Slightly raised my boys. Discipline

32:11

is okay. I would like to prepare him

32:14

for the real world. I don't want to

32:16

raise a pussy. You. Know I don't need

32:18

him to like go to suck in elementary school and

32:20

have a kid like be like you can't sit with

32:22

us and I have a mental breakdown and then you

32:24

know. Send him to like.

32:27

A trauma group like that in a real

32:29

world. You. Get yelled that

32:31

not everyone likes. Yeah, You.

32:33

Know you're gonna hit some type of.

32:36

Adversity and friction You know

32:38

as an over privileged white

32:41

man and. I just would

32:43

like him to have over to given the

32:45

gift of. Real. Life experience.

32:47

I don't want to shelter and

32:49

coddle him to the point where

32:51

he is so hindered. By.

32:53

This metaphorical bubble wrap Like

32:56

it's. No way

32:58

can you please stop throwing things

33:00

In my twenties? I know, I'm

33:02

sorry you're feeling now though. We

33:05

don't draw on the walls like

33:07

you know it. I just I

33:09

don't have the rhythm or the

33:11

cadence or the internal wiring for

33:13

that. I would like him to

33:15

be a little more teflon, a little more

33:18

durable. You. Know. Sweet. Kind

33:20

empathetic A Love monkey His a

33:22

Cancer Okay, all those things are

33:24

just. Part. Of his wiring but like

33:26

I would like him to be a little you know,

33:29

a little rough and tumble for the real world. And

33:31

it's that's by way as sitting

33:34

in row sixty eight see by

33:36

the lavatories. Well, mommy has some

33:38

warm nuts on the way to

33:40

suck in. You. Know God

33:42

knows where. I. Think he's gonna

33:44

be okay If that's the most traumatic thing

33:46

that happens in your fucking life is that

33:48

your parents did she have for business class

33:50

then you should be so fucking lucky. seventeen

33:54

nineteen prisoners and path leads

33:56

were offered freedom on the

33:59

condition that they would marry

34:01

a prostitute and move to Louisiana.

34:03

Nothing has ever made more sense.

34:05

That's a real thing. According to

34:08

instagram.com/facts, okay?

34:11

What a time. So I wonder what the agenda was

34:14

there. They probably just wanted to

34:16

get the prostitutes out of Paris and infiltrate

34:18

Louisiana. And they thought like that would be

34:20

enough punishment. Be like, okay, bye, have fun.

34:23

Yippee-ki-yay. Put

34:25

down your baguettes and grab a beignet

34:28

and a Mountain Dew. You're heading to

34:30

Louisiana. Forgive me, my fifth

34:32

grade teacher went blind during

34:35

the middle of the school year. So I wasn't really

34:37

able to tackle United States geography.

34:39

I would just kind of lump together

34:41

the whole South as like one place

34:43

and I've dabbled. You know what I

34:45

mean? I've been to Nashville a gajillion

34:47

times. I've been to Kentucky. I

34:49

go to Kentucky often. Andrew Stanley lives there.

34:52

I did see a child drinking

34:54

a Mountain Dew, I mean, out

34:57

of a bottle with

34:59

a family that, I mean, undoubtedly

35:02

the parents were cousins. They

35:04

had cousin fucker energy. I saw it in

35:06

the flesh. There was, you

35:08

know, the children looked

35:10

like the Quiznos creatures. I referenced

35:13

them often, but they looked like they were

35:15

quite literally headed to a casting call for

35:17

the hills have eyes three. Super

35:20

inbred. Just a quick

35:22

little side note. I've been watching

35:25

Vanderpump Rules, obviously. I mean, it's feeling

35:28

ick to me. I think this might be the

35:30

final hurrah for Vanderpump Rules. I have to be

35:33

honest. I think we might've, I

35:35

think we might've overstayed our

35:37

welcome in the Vanderpump Rules vortex.

35:41

I'm gonna say this once again. The

35:44

exploitation and the cashing in on

35:46

Sandoval across the board with the

35:49

cast is, how

35:51

do I say this nicely? Yikes.

35:54

It's gross. It's uninspiring and

35:56

it's a little bit

35:58

pathetic. I think that... at

36:01

a certain age and in a certain caliber

36:03

of lifestyle. And I don't mean that in a

36:05

socioeconomic way. I mean that like just in the

36:08

way that you live and operate yourself as a

36:10

fucking adult, it

36:13

is time that we move past this.

36:16

And as much of a fucking

36:19

wormy mustache, like

36:22

dweeb dehydrated Sahara vagina inducing

36:24

loser that Tom Sandoval is,

36:27

I understand kind

36:29

of his micro

36:32

perspective of everyone just

36:35

fucking beating this to filth. Launching

36:38

podcasts, selling merch,

36:40

commercials, ads. Like

36:44

everyone is cashing in on this

36:46

scandal still. Like

36:50

bleeding it dry, it is a

36:52

sponge that has been rung so

36:55

dry that the sponge is now a

36:57

Brillo pad. And the

36:59

root is all financial gain. This isn't

37:01

like justice. It's

37:03

not like empathy. It's

37:07

just everyone getting a little scrap

37:10

of cheese and the rats are

37:12

going. Everyone's

37:14

too excited to just

37:16

milk this for all it's

37:18

worth. And

37:20

at the end of the day, people cheat.

37:23

Nobody was fucking murdered. If

37:27

anything, I think the most abusive

37:29

behavior happened. Ooh, hot, hot lukewarm

37:31

take. Barely

37:34

warm take at the reunion. I

37:37

thought that was some of the most disgusting

37:39

abusive behavior. I mean,

37:41

Raquel, what she did

37:43

was sociopathic and gross

37:45

and not morally

37:47

inclined, but the

37:50

way that they spoke to her, that girl

37:52

quite literally could have gone and taken her

37:54

own life. And then what would have fucking

37:56

happened? So, Appreciate

38:00

Lala like apologizing and reaching out.

38:02

I do think that later on

38:04

indices and I hope. That.

38:06

There will be an aha moment where everyone

38:09

realizes like. Maybe. We've taken

38:11

this whole thing too far and like

38:13

I just wish for our he on

38:15

I've met around a she's so nice

38:17

she was beautiful lovely of the things

38:19

to do that a cab yet again

38:21

this is I have to do in

38:23

his position but. I

38:25

think as her at if I was her friend

38:27

I would say to her. Wouldn't. It

38:29

be the coolest look of

38:32

all time if you'd just.

38:35

And at this I mean maybe this is

38:37

like a whole other conversation that like i'm

38:39

look at times and was a fucking loser

38:41

and it's not a such road. Ah

38:43

no, I'm in a secret that I look

38:45

at him some said about as is a

38:48

fucking dweeb. okay just a dumb saw quite

38:50

frankly. I had to something quite

38:52

think the other ones are review lessig that

38:54

was. I love the show but you have

38:56

percent saying okay okay okay okay okay okay

38:59

okay like really that's a one star because

39:01

I say okay too much only view of

39:03

fucking one sorry you await your. Stranger

39:06

Kd. Bitch. Anyways,

39:08

I like. I don't let the

39:11

criticism fat mass I'm. I

39:13

would say just because I'm I'm writing Thompson.

39:16

Well as the equation because. I

39:18

just like Zones. Like.

39:20

I don't find that there's hope they're

39:22

cerebral Lisa like? I don't feel like

39:24

giving him any implied just because. Like.

39:26

He's just dumb. you know what I mean? Like

39:28

some people are just stupid so we just put

39:31

him in little container. We get our label maker

39:33

out. we say stupid and put it on. The.

39:35

On the container and then we just

39:37

put it in a shelf. Okay cause

39:40

weight but the a can't fix stupid

39:42

I think Ariana it would have been

39:44

such an elevated cool. Ah,

39:46

approach to the scanned of all to

39:49

just be on bothered and obviously don't

39:51

deny your real feelings but don't let

39:53

a gym sock get the best you

39:55

like don't let's not exploit it like

39:58

it be so cool she's Like he's

40:00

fucking dead to me. I sat

40:03

Shiva for him metaphorically speaking. And

40:06

moving on, I have a hot new boyfriend. I

40:11

get all the counter arguments. I really do

40:13

like, yeah, but she's had a television show.

40:15

Totally understand. But there's like a level

40:17

of like pettiness with like not talking

40:19

to people that talk to him and fuck that

40:21

guy. Like it's too bothered. It's too bothered. We

40:24

gotta just like take a beat or

40:26

at least pretend just because you know

40:29

it's gonna really fuck his day up.

40:31

If for no other reason than knowing

40:33

that Tom Sandoval, it is just gonna

40:35

be an extra knife, an

40:37

extra knife twist to be like, I'm done

40:39

with you. I'm too good for you. I'm

40:41

moving on. You're a loser. Have

40:44

a great life. Avita Zane. And

40:46

honestly, now that I'm like chalking through it,

40:48

it's really less about Ariana because she's kind

40:50

of has the right to react and

40:56

grieve the loss of the relationship, however

40:58

she so chooses. It's kind of everybody

41:01

else making it about them. It's

41:03

kind of everybody else ringing out the sponge

41:06

that I have a problem with. Now that

41:08

we're really like, I've got more

41:10

clarity on the optics, but hey,

41:12

what do I know? I'm just a dumb fuck. Do you

41:14

know that I actually, this is not a joke. I

41:17

did not know that Yosemite

41:19

was not in California until

41:22

four days ago. I thought Yosemite, I

41:24

would have put my life on it that

41:26

Yosemite was in Northern California. Had

41:29

no clue. I still don't know where Yosemite is.

41:31

Is it in Nevada? I'm

41:33

gonna go on record and say that

41:36

Yosemite National Park is in

41:38

Nevada, or is it in

41:40

Arizona? Like I said, my fifth grade teacher,

41:42

her name was Mrs. Murphy, shout out. She

41:45

went blind in the middle of the school year. So

41:47

we were relying on a lot of substitute

41:49

teachers and I just didn't get my geography

41:51

fill. Speaking of

41:54

geography fill, it

41:56

is T minus 11 days

41:58

till Jackie. packs her

42:00

bags, the pookster is going to

42:02

Paris, and leaves,

42:04

abandons the family for four

42:07

days of Parisian

42:09

solitude. Now, this has garnered

42:11

some mixed reviews. People think I'm a

42:13

terrible mother, a terrible wife, a terrible

42:15

person. Here is my truth. I

42:18

like to commemorate moments in time with, you

42:21

know, special activities. Some people go out and

42:24

buy something. I like to have an experience.

42:26

And after, you know,

42:28

seven months of being tethered to a

42:30

baby, I am

42:32

entering a new venture. And

42:35

I wanted to celebrate. The

42:37

first plan was to take everyone

42:39

on a little European gallivant.

42:42

But I'm not doing that to Clyde.

42:45

It's just not gonna work. It actually

42:47

feels selfish at this point to be

42:50

like, pack your bags and your moxicelline.

42:52

Mama's going to Paris. I

42:55

will be going for four nights. I'm

42:57

already starting to feel, and maybe

42:59

I'm lying just because I think this

43:01

sounds good to say, I'm feeling like

43:03

moderately to minorly guilty about leaving the

43:06

family. I was only planning on going

43:08

for 72 hours, you know. Wham

43:11

bam, thank you Pam. But,

43:14

you know, then I had to extend

43:16

my trip and blah, blah, blah, whatever.

43:18

So four nights feels safe. It feels

43:20

doable. I am starting to feel some

43:23

micro sliver of separation anxiety from

43:25

the baby. And like, oh my

43:27

God, what if he says his first

43:29

word? What if he crawls? What if he talks?

43:31

What if Andrew does a nude sushi dinner without

43:33

me? But I really think that I

43:37

will be able to detach. It

43:41

is a coping mechanism as a result of severe

43:43

trauma. The

43:46

beauty of the situation is if

43:48

I am miserable and missing my

43:50

baby and little handy Andy, which

43:52

let's be honest is probably not

43:54

gonna happen. I'll switch my flight

43:57

and I'll come the fuck home. It's really

43:59

not that difficult. I'm a

44:01

solution oriented person. I

44:03

think you go through life seeing

44:05

red cones or green lights. And

44:08

I'm a green light girl. So if

44:10

I get there and day two

44:12

I am physically ill

44:14

plagued, yearning for the shrill

44:16

cry of my teething sun,

44:18

then I'll hightail it on

44:20

home. But I think

44:22

it's a good thing. And I was talking about

44:24

this with Andrew. Whether

44:28

I have another son or a

44:30

daughter or whatever and Clyde

44:32

or just Clyde as a solo child, which

44:35

I probably won't do because I need him,

44:37

not for the sake of me being Mother

44:39

Earth. I just want lots

44:41

of kiddos running around this house. Not at

44:43

all. I just need someone to fucking

44:45

entertain him. You know what I mean? I can't be

44:48

his sole source of entertainment. He's bleeding me dry. Whether

44:51

or not, regardless of gender, I think it's

44:54

very important for children to see mommy have

44:57

a thing

44:59

outside of the home that

45:02

isn't completely revolved. The nucleus

45:04

of the existence and the reason we rise

45:06

and set and grind is all... I

45:08

think that's a lot of pressure to put on a baby. And

45:11

I also think that it nurtures or

45:14

it kind of instills some

45:16

form of independence.

45:19

I'm very happy to have my son

45:21

at seven months old see that mommy

45:23

is going to Paris to reset,

45:26

recharge in the name of self-care and

45:28

is going to come home and be

45:30

a happier, more fulfilled,

45:33

present, hands-off

45:35

mother. And I was

45:37

saying to Andrew, for sport, I'll say I feel

45:39

guilty, but I don't really feel

45:41

that guilty about it because I know... This

45:44

is the propaganda I'm going to hit you

45:46

with. I know that if I have my

45:49

tank full, I can therefore nurture the

45:51

family. But I

45:53

don't want to be hanging on for dear

45:55

life and resentful. So if I

45:57

have to go pop on over, have some salt...

46:00

recharged and then come back ready

46:02

to fucking rumble. Okay, a

46:05

fulfilled woman, wife and mother.

46:07

I think it's good

46:09

for all. And I, you know, I will

46:11

die on that Hill in this

46:13

week's edition of not all heroes wear capes.

46:16

Um, I would like to pay homage to

46:18

Kelly Roland. So Kelly Roland

46:20

walked off the today show after

46:22

being hired as a guest host

46:25

because the dressing rooms were not

46:27

up to par leaving Hoda Codby

46:29

high and dry. Okay. So this

46:31

is a live show. So to

46:33

do this is kind

46:36

of kind of a fucking move. This

46:39

is reported by page six. Um,

46:41

they say that Kelly Roland dramatically

46:43

walked out of NBC's today show

46:46

last Thursday morning after

46:48

assessing her dressing room and

46:50

you know, declaring that it was just

46:52

not up to par for her. She

46:54

was supposed to fill in for Jenna

46:57

Bush Hager in the fourth hour as

46:59

a guest host, um,

47:01

at 8am and she

47:03

dropped out at the 11th hour. So

47:06

she walked in, she took a look see and

47:08

she said, no, thank you.

47:10

I'm going home. So allegedly

47:13

the dressing rooms at the today show

47:15

are known to be very, very small.

47:17

Um, somebody, a source,

47:19

shall we say, said that they're

47:22

practically glorified closets. Um,

47:24

so Kelly Roland gets there. She sees the dressing

47:26

room assigned. She no like you

47:28

baby. No like you. So then they

47:30

say, Oh, is there one upstairs available?

47:32

They kind of look around at all

47:35

the various stressing rooms that were available.

47:37

Now, Jennifer Lopez had taken the one

47:39

upstairs. She arrived earlier to promote her

47:41

new Amazon. This is me

47:43

song album video, which I have not

47:45

seen, but will be watching tonight because

47:47

I hear it is absolutely

47:50

bat shit. Kookadoodle crazy and

47:52

I can't fucking wait. So

47:55

Rita Ora Ended up filling in, but you know

47:57

what?? Like I Like this for really? Kelly. Rarely

48:00

college. I

48:02

like this. Her Kelly Rowland and Feals Off

48:04

brand for her. You know she said enough.

48:07

Okay, she was in Destiny shouts she always

48:09

got the City outfits she had the vocal

48:11

she always had to wait for. Late to

48:13

the beat Michelle in a living in the

48:16

shadow of beyond say okay and on. The

48:18

tail end of the answers new country

48:21

music venture. Maybe Kelly Rowland just had

48:23

a rough second weekend. She that you

48:25

know beyond say is you know hippie

48:28

pain in her? Alexis. In Texas

48:30

And here I am sitting in a

48:32

glorified white box ready to sell my

48:34

soul. and they show. And I don't

48:36

want to do that today. You know

48:38

I want to. Fresh, floral, I wanna

48:40

suck in, You know? Scene. And

48:43

all crop top A and

48:45

a little goddamn respect. I

48:48

think it's funny. You know? I

48:50

think it's a one off incident.

48:52

Kelly Rowland doesn't have this reputation

48:54

and I mean Diadem son. So

48:56

you go. Kelly didn't. Do. You

48:59

burrow. You. Know Kelly

49:01

Rowland. give us. Dilemma

49:03

featuring Nellie. Or maybe was

49:05

Nellie featuring Kelly Rowland. It

49:07

doesn't like a matter of

49:10

semantics, Kelly Rowland carried that

49:12

early two thousands. Bop.

49:14

And a tune. So. I

49:16

not gonna sit behind a microphone

49:18

and the saw at her diva

49:20

like behavior because. We. Don't use

49:23

terms like Deja in Twenty Twenty Four

49:25

Cave where feminists Gloria Steinem over here

49:27

now and will ever column Mama D

49:29

that while you don't live in my

49:32

house, there's a law as a male

49:34

bullying under this goddamn roof so you

49:36

don't. Have it elsewhere. Any

49:39

whom. Ah thank you so much

49:41

for listening a big you made in soon for

49:44

being the sponsor of this episode. We love

49:46

you so much! Thank you for all you do

49:48

for us girls and are girls and jam. I

49:50

will chat with you next week. Give aside stars

49:52

on I tunes I hope I didn't say okay

49:55

are quite frankly too much this episode for you

49:57

Jenna with a G and either chat with you.

50:00

He e e gave me

50:02

a. Nothing like. Having

50:04

a all.