0:01

The following podcast is a dear media

0:03

production. Hey!

0:09

Hey! Hey!

0:13

Hey! Hey!

0:17

You remember when we were driving, driving in

0:19

your car. Hi everyone. It's

0:21

Super Bowl Sunday. Guess where I

0:23

am hiding from my family podcasting,

0:25

waiting for the Usher concert to

0:27

begin. I just looked at Andrew dead

0:29

in the eye and I said, Andrew, I feel

0:32

like I'm in a new vortex of hell. Clyde

0:35

is continuously teething. The

0:37

second one just popped out. He cries all

0:39

day without the fucking pacifier. Thank

0:41

God he sleeps 13 hours a night. But

0:45

I am fighting for my life. Andrew

0:48

has contracted his third ailment

0:50

of 2024. Now

0:53

it kicked off with a stomach

0:55

bug from a bad chicken sandwich

0:57

at crypto. We don't know if

0:59

it was food poisoning or the

1:02

stomach flu or, you know,

1:04

a variety of both. Took

1:06

him down for five days like a big old

1:09

pussy. Then he had, what else? A

1:12

couple weeks ago he had a little bit of

1:14

a cold. And

1:17

then Wednesday of last week

1:19

he woke up with prickly skin

1:21

and something was just not right.

1:23

Like he's fucking Miss Clavell in

1:25

Madeline. Something was just not

1:27

right. He wakes up in the

1:29

middle of the night. He goes, I have a

1:32

dull headache and my skin feels prickly. I think

1:35

it's COVID. And I was like, get the fuck out

1:37

as a lady does. Summoned him

1:39

to a guest bedroom. She's taken five COVID

1:41

tests. They're all fucking negative.

1:43

I said, Andrew, on a

1:45

scale of like one to 10, how

1:48

bad do you feel? This is three

1:50

days in. Okay. He's like a seven

1:52

or an eight. And I'm like, Andrew,

1:54

if all of my limbs were sawed

1:57

off with a spork, okay. And

1:59

I was. internally bleeding out.

2:02

I wouldn't say seven or an

2:04

eight. I'd be like three and

2:06

a half. Like men's fragility and

2:09

their their comfortability

2:11

being so weak when

2:13

plagued with a minor ailment. When

2:15

we bleed out for days every

2:18

single month for like the majority

2:20

of our lives and he's like,

2:23

my skin feels cold to the touch.

2:25

I'm like, do you have a fever?

2:27

No. Do you have congestion? Not really.

2:30

Um, do you, are you nauseous? No.

2:32

So I'm like, okay, so let's just

2:34

sum this up. You have a bit

2:36

of a sore throat and prickly skin.

2:39

So what? I'm like, I've

2:41

had a fucking long COVID

2:43

for eight months. Every day I feel

2:45

like my lungs are infested and I

2:47

just keep on fucking moving. My

2:50

little warrior, speaking of warrior, I was

2:52

at the farmer's market this morning because

2:54

I'm just a farm to table kind

2:56

of bitch. And I saw this

2:59

woman, I was laughing so hard by myself. She's,

3:01

you know, in a printed legging. I

3:03

don't love a printed legging. Like I

3:06

don't need a heart legging. I don't

3:08

need a tie dye legging. Very unflattering,

3:10

broken energy. Okay. She was in a,

3:13

like a floral type of a legging.

3:15

Okay. A Nike and a

3:17

sweatshirt that said warrior

3:20

with two little piggy tails. And

3:22

I almost dropped dead by

3:24

the seasonal nuts. Like I could

3:26

not fucking deal. Like

3:29

I can't with the faux feminist

3:31

propaganda. Yes. Obviously

3:34

women are superior, but it is

3:37

so counterproductive on a cellular vaginal

3:39

and chromosomal level to wear a

3:42

shirt that says warrior while you

3:44

buy fucking microgreens and a goddamn

3:46

baby blue orchid. I hate blue

3:48

orchids too. Why did they do

3:50

that? Why take a good thing

3:53

and put a little dye in

3:55

it? A blue orchid or green

3:57

for St. Patty's day. Bro. in.

4:00

Okay. When I see someone wearing a

4:02

shirt that says warrior, I automatically

4:05

assume that you had a meth

4:08

phase. It's giving strange

4:10

relatives. It's giving substance abuse recovery.

4:12

It's also given bad eyelash extensions

4:14

if we're really going for it,

4:16

which by the way, it's 2024.

4:18

We're not doing eyelash extensions anymore.

4:21

And that's a, that's a brain

4:23

buster. eyelash extensions. I

4:25

am hovering at

4:27

a 23% battery

4:30

life here fighting for my life while

4:33

tending to the child while Andrew

4:35

deals with his prickly skin.

4:39

Speaking of the farmer's market, I

4:41

also, you know, after buying some

4:44

dinosaur kale, internally

4:46

verbally, accosting the woman in the warrior

4:48

sweatshirt, then I like sauntered over to

4:50

get my green juice. Okay. The

4:53

guy says, Oh, you know, I'm like,

4:55

I'll take three of, you know, the signature green juices.

4:57

He goes, you know, it's usually three for 25, but

5:00

I'm going to give you a $2 discount. And

5:02

I looked at him and I'm like, why is it?

5:04

Cause I'm gorgeous. And he's like, no. I'm

5:07

like, why is it? Because I'm funny. He

5:09

goes, no. I'm like, is it because I'm

5:11

shockingly thin? He's like, no. I'm

5:13

like, okay, thank you. And then I

5:16

just walked away real tough fucking crowd.

5:18

Did not get the joke. Did not

5:20

even give me a courtesy chuckle. Um,

5:23

was like very, very curts and

5:26

rude. So I will not be,

5:28

I will not be purchasing any

5:30

more green juice. Thank you very

5:33

much. Also completely unrelated. I

5:35

just need to get this out like, you

5:37

know, within the first five minutes of the

5:39

show, because I feel so strongly about it.

5:41

And I've kind of been like on a

5:43

downward spiral thinking about this. I got odd

5:45

hours of the night because I just have

5:47

to, I have to purge verbally. I want

5:49

you to listen to me. Okay. Turn this

5:51

fucking up. I hate categorically

5:56

and objectively and aggressively.

6:00

people that name their pets,

6:02

designer names like Dolce,

6:05

Chanel, Dior, Lilly,

6:08

Gabbana, Carl, Gucci.

6:11

You are, I want you

6:13

to really really take this in,

6:16

you are disgusting, okay? Like anything

6:19

luxury, luxury fashion house

6:21

adjacent, so atrocious. Hate,

6:24

I hate you, okay? Like love

6:26

you, obviously if you listen to

6:28

this and this is triggering, I

6:30

know that I love you, maybe,

6:32

but also hate, awful, revolting, disgusting.

6:35

Also like Bella, this is my

6:37

kitten, Bella, this is my, this

6:39

is my French bulldog, Bella,

6:41

this is my golden doodah, her

6:43

name's Bella, like I, something about

6:46

a Bella or a fucking

6:48

Dior. This is

6:50

my Shih Tzu Dior, this is

6:53

my Shih Tzu and

6:55

her name is Gabbana,

6:57

like oh my sweet

7:00

baby, Tastes police doe,

7:03

who fucking hurt you?

7:06

This is my puppy, her

7:08

name is Cookie Lagerfeld, Cookie

7:13

Lagerfeld. Okay, unless your

7:15

name and your dog,

7:17

Mindy or John Benet

7:20

or fucking like, I also

7:22

love like a very adult

7:24

name for a dog, like

7:26

this is my dog Kevin,

7:28

hilarious, but, Lilly, Lilly, they

7:30

cannot fucking deal, I hate

7:32

you. It feels

7:34

warrior sweatshirt adjacent, unless you are

7:37

on the fucking front lines, okay,

7:39

in Afghanistan, even then you shouldn't

7:41

wear a fucking shirt that says

7:43

warrior, okay, I

7:45

am a warrior. Let's

7:49

just burst through that glass ceiling,

7:52

girlies, get your warrior sweatshirts on

7:54

and your printed leggings because we're

7:56

gonna dominate. Girls Rock,

7:58

like I. What?

8:01

The fuck is that? What?

8:03

My phone or that and is fucking computer.

8:06

I will Killed his mother fucker. Andrew.

8:08

Implied are ruining my life. I just wanna

8:11

put that out in the universe. Had just

8:13

won a time stamp as I can my

8:15

Clips s and play it for him when

8:17

he's older. It is February Eleven did Super

8:20

Bowl Sunday. It is what time is it

8:22

three or one pm and I would like

8:24

to go on record in say that both

8:27

my husband and my son are ruining my

8:29

life just today not would not forever. But.

8:31

If I'm being honest I am.

8:34

I low hate them both today

8:36

and I just want to exist

8:38

in my truth. And I want

8:40

to be transparent because I like

8:42

to live in clear little tupperware

8:45

containers with labels on the outside.

8:47

I want everything to be categorized

8:49

transparent and. You know

8:51

I want to know what's in the

8:53

goddamn thin. Metaphorically: Speaking.

8:57

Thing. I

9:00

down and miserable. I need the teething

9:02

to stop. We need to enter like

9:04

a new chapter. This the teething chapter

9:06

is close showcase and I get hit

9:09

with all of this mom propaganda all

9:11

day. Every test. like just remember one

9:13

day A look back at these moments

9:16

and think wow what a treasure Know

9:18

he wants like wrong girl you got

9:20

a pivot accordingly. I don't feel that

9:22

way. Okay, I'm I'm looking forward to

9:25

greener post teething pastures like I'm never

9:27

gonna like. Just eat out, cherish every

9:29

moment. Has like one day they'll

9:31

grow up and outta college. Good

9:33

bags are packed. Obsessed. Follow with

9:35

it is. Obsessed

9:38

with him. I literally I'm obsessed with

9:41

him. Okay, I want to be one

9:43

less. I want to take his teeth

9:45

and make the body chain out of

9:47

them. Okay automate wind chimes, adverse fat

9:49

little limbs. but when he screaming his

9:51

fucking head up I will not look.

9:53

Loving leads back at those moments. I

9:55

want him to be chill in totally

9:58

in kids screaming his head off. Yeah,

10:00

curdling scream a while he

10:02

like shudders my hand scraping

10:05

against his razor teeth. That's

10:07

not think of those moments

10:09

and joyce tender moment set.

10:11

the has is no. I

10:14

understand nights messy hair,

10:17

toys everywhere. Serious It

10:20

because. Cells. Or the

10:22

memories that will last a lifetime. Smelt.

10:24

This is my I drink. I'm

10:27

still fully orchestrating my ah,

10:30

Psych Ward inspired play room

10:32

which features padded walls, white

10:35

sterile one food for a

10:37

second swinging light bulb okay

10:39

like that like a fifty

10:42

one fifty like isolation jail

10:44

cell and Alcatraz okay are

10:47

like I saw on and

10:49

then a tether ball whole

10:52

with a. Shame. Fresh

10:54

grass and a child lease that

10:56

applied can just run himself round

10:59

and round the merry go round

11:01

bush or with round and round.

11:03

The merry go round and round

11:05

the Mulberry bus. Okay. And

11:09

just some rogue razor blades first post. She

11:13

knows. When is this in

11:15

his school? Me and Max and trucks

11:17

but this a million times. But we

11:20

worked at a summer camp. Max called

11:22

a seven year old a pants and

11:24

a for she was and with duct

11:26

tape. The kids the carpet y'all know

11:28

the story. Ah I had a camper

11:30

and he was deathly. The

11:35

early two thousand skies was.

11:37

Like the best time to

11:39

ever exist. Okay, because it

11:42

was before social media smartphones.

11:44

It was just not like

11:46

beautiful pop culture pocket were

11:49

certain adjectives we can't. You.

11:54

See. that was the universe sending me a gift

11:56

because i was about to drop a couple bombs

11:58

a verb elites for them i throw close up.

12:00

So I'm now I'm just thinking ahead. That was

12:02

the aliens, you know, giving me a gift. But

12:04

you know, there were certain adjectives that we could

12:06

like, very freely use that

12:09

weren't considered inappropriate

12:12

or offensive. It was

12:15

the time of like those little

12:18

rubber bandy like henna chokers, butterfly

12:20

clips, roll on lip

12:22

gloss and just like casual child abuse,

12:24

you know, the good old days, I

12:27

lost first of all, I lost a

12:29

camper seven times like he

12:31

just like would walk home, he would like

12:33

just roam the streets and like get picked

12:35

up by a cop and dropped off and

12:37

there was like, no big deal. It was

12:40

like, you know, all over

12:42

fucking tick tock or something.

12:44

Also, there was a

12:46

kid, this was my point. There was a

12:48

kid in my group that had a deathly

12:51

deathly peanut allergy. And when that fucker started

12:53

getting out of line, I'd look at him

12:55

and say, Listen, Joe, if you

12:58

don't shut the fuck up, I've got

13:00

a can of jiffy in the back

13:02

of my car. And I will slather

13:04

you with creamy no sir jiffy from

13:06

head to fucking toe until your

13:09

whole body corrodes. Shut the fuck

13:11

up, buddy. We'd be in the

13:13

pool, he'd like splash my hair that I had just

13:16

sizzled the day before with like my

13:18

cheese straightening iron just fried to shit.

13:20

He'd splash me and be like, Hey,

13:23

Joe, hey, Joe, you want

13:25

creamy or crunchy? I just

13:27

look at him and go in a jiffy in

13:30

the jiffy coming right up in a

13:32

jiffy. And he's like, okay, I'm

13:35

sorry. I mean, can you imagine, like

13:37

some 16 year old girl you send your

13:39

kid to fucking summer camp, and she's threatening

13:41

to slather him with peanut butter? Well, he's

13:44

deathly allergic. Like if you like no one

13:46

in the camp could consume peanut butter, there's

13:48

a newsletter that went out. If this kid

13:50

was it within four miles of a fucking

13:52

peanut, his throat was gonna close up. I

13:54

had an EpiPen on me. And I'm like,

14:00

I was like, somebody can't. I'm

14:04

like, somebody can't find the EpiPen and

14:06

I've got a fresh bottle of Jiffy

14:08

just waiting for you, Joe. Don't test

14:10

me. By the way, and then his

14:13

parents let me babysit for fuck's sake because

14:15

they were cool and they got that I

14:17

was fucking joking. We can't get away with

14:20

that shit anymore. What a time to be

14:22

alive. Please do

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16:48

that are important to me? Mementos

16:50

sentimental men men pose and one

16:52

of them is a Nhl the

16:55

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16:57

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16:59

three years ago. Okay, when I

17:01

found out that they no longer

17:03

do tax be some some a

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great i can't fucking shot. What?

17:08

Am I going to do on? Been

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a by and on a dell he

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17:35

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18:56

With my suburbia musings okay,

18:58

it just doesn't get more

19:01

excited. And for this Mama

19:03

fair, Mama Bear and years

19:05

in Spam, the San Fernando

19:07

Valley well as at home

19:09

goods, you're welcome, you know,

19:11

sometimes a bit just needs

19:13

to tude all Okay, I

19:16

just want to put my

19:18

solid leggings not printed, my

19:20

solid leggings on by eight

19:22

hundred discounted candles. And just

19:24

like peruse like. A strip mall.

19:27

That's what refueling my soul. And.

19:29

Like or just like to buy

19:31

a tank top. I just go

19:34

buy a thing top new pajamas.

19:36

Like I need to get out

19:38

of house shook the child and

19:40

like do something I just one

19:43

it's I want to be with

19:45

people last al on a C.

19:47

Want to see them dancing and

19:49

looking for discounted coffee table book,

19:51

mismatch glassware of an Easter basket?

19:54

Ah they don't make them like

19:56

me a way early. Don't let

19:58

me tell. You I've been doing. Quality

20:00

Control. And listening back

20:02

and then listening to other podcasts and

20:05

I would just like to go on

20:07

record and say they're a lot of

20:09

bad ones. There are good shows that

20:12

guess and there somewhere in between and

20:14

there's something. Not in between.

20:17

All. My like oh gee, podcast

20:19

girlies? You know, like you know

20:21

the ones. That there. There's

20:23

like a speed and a tempo. and

20:25

a cadence. and a rhythm. And yet

20:28

either.it's. are you don't suck and got

20:30

it. Okay, God me, there's a flow.

20:32

There is a but I'm sure there's

20:34

a sentence. There's a razzle. There is.

20:36

It does all. In. Down

20:38

to the that you know thing. Reagan The

20:41

C: Stick with silly Stacie talking about my

20:43

mom, my mom name. I'm like nobody's I

20:45

can import anyone. I fuck with everyone else.

20:47

I fucked with them so everyone calm. The.

20:50

Fuck down. What was I

20:52

saying? Oh musings for in suburbia were

20:54

both. I was as and goods three

20:56

days ago and say it was like

20:58

Tuesday. At you know, Our

21:01

lives in fourteen am came.

21:04

I am selling on Drew a birthday

21:06

dinner party this weekend. Like very small,

21:09

very, very chic. I want to bust

21:11

out my generate plates that I've never

21:13

used, but if anyone starts cutting that

21:16

chimichurri steaks a little too harshly and

21:18

a Jew nori, ah, stab him in

21:20

the goddamn throats. They also everyone has

21:23

to be out by nine pm. Slot.

21:26

For us so I like I

21:28

loved throw dinner party. I have

21:31

this amazing tablecloth okay that I

21:33

have been waiting to bust out.

21:35

It is psychedelic in his seventies.

21:37

It is the Sony it is.

21:40

It is here with just said

21:42

zig zag like Steny circle. Just

21:44

deliciousness that goes perfectly with a

21:46

certain place to find some like

21:49

mix match ah I'm like candle

21:51

holder glassware thing is you know

21:53

whatever maps and rings stuff. it's

21:55

just. South for sport. Okay, Some.

21:59

Walking down the I. And there

22:01

is a woman in a

22:03

sensible, fast okay and an

22:05

orthopedic sneaker and a just

22:07

like a classic suburban I'd

22:09

say late fifties, early sixties

22:11

at least. has you know,

22:13

two grand kids just like

22:15

us? like a mom, you

22:17

know what I mean with

22:19

a mid west flair. She

22:21

definitely drives like some form

22:23

of of hatchback at something

22:25

you know what I mean.

22:27

And she's got a sensible

22:29

tote bag. She is. Alone.

22:32

In the A or she is watching

22:34

some form of pottery and she's laughing

22:36

so hard so uncontrollably a case her

22:38

body is convulsing and she's peers running

22:41

down her face. So first I won't

22:43

go into the eye on I'm like

22:45

oh my god this bitches crying like

22:47

I can deal with this and for

22:49

some suck and reason despite putting out

22:51

all the no energy and the world's.

22:54

People. Tell me fucking everything okay

22:56

within like eight and a half

22:59

seconds. But I can't tell you

23:01

how awesome this happens and I

23:03

don't know how or why we're

23:06

when or white. Search every

23:08

everything. Tastes I see this woman. I'm going

23:10

on the only car suck Here we go. Now.

23:12

I'm locked and loaded. there's some bits cry

23:15

and over a god. You.

23:17

Know vase? Okay, A

23:20

terra cotta vase and l I'm gonna have

23:22

to my whole Tuesday. I'm gonna have to

23:24

be a pillar of strength for this fucking

23:26

stranger. So of course you know I'm like

23:28

okay she's crying like to I say something

23:30

to i not say something by turn around

23:32

it so obviously made eye contact she's tears

23:34

running down her face and like had of

23:36

I get out of this graciously and swiftly.

23:39

Than I can tell she's

23:41

not hysterically crying. She's hysterically.

23:44

Last. Suited. To a point

23:46

like. You. Know when someone's laughing so

23:48

hard you just have to start laughing with them

23:50

his? It's like what the fuck is going on

23:52

So I sort you know looking at discounted coffee

23:54

table book. And she is laughing

23:56

so hard and I looked at her and I

23:58

said. I. Want. Whatever the fuck you're

24:01

having. And. Sec. Oh my god

24:03

twice seem crazy right now as a quiet

24:05

and like now oh my god know you

24:07

seem like a having the time of your

24:09

life like looking at such and pottery like

24:11

year my dream. Your my dream girl like

24:13

I want to do whatever suck year delay

24:15

and she's like oh my god they tell

24:17

you something I'm like oh here we go

24:20

You killed someone, he ran over a puppy

24:22

like what happened. she's like. And

24:24

picking up a people had pero my son's

24:26

trusts all the while tears running down her

24:29

face, convulsing in a little second best with

24:31

her sensible do need Birkbeck. Okay to

24:33

that's I took lists took

24:35

my with sons. Trust Skyn.

24:38

I opened the center consequence through the

24:40

little bit of chocolate and said it's

24:43

a little bite and I just called

24:45

him and she told me this through

24:47

the mushroom chocolate in his car next

24:49

to never done any drugs and I

24:51

just i just had a slick a

24:54

bar of mushrooms rocket. I'm freaking out

24:56

but I'm having so much fun she

24:58

i I swear to god and like

25:00

the universe. Karma is my second boyfriend

25:02

okay and is not real because this

25:04

woman wait a second icon Tripping balls

25:07

at a goddamn home good. For the

25:09

first him she said and free health My

25:11

husband's gonna come pick me up but I

25:13

had no idea and such as kids supply

25:15

things have suggested hiding in the file because

25:17

I'm trying to collect myself. that still my

25:19

god it's so funny. And

25:22

is a. Man. That.

25:24

Is the best thing that I have

25:26

ever heard in my second life. And

25:28

if you want me to stand here

25:31

in solidarity. Pretending. Like were

25:33

just having a conversation and I'm just

25:35

so leery. Sli funny or were just

25:38

laughing at pottery together Like I will

25:40

stand here with you. I will sherpa

25:42

you in chill Your husband comes and

25:44

save the like I thought you girly

25:47

you know and that's what real feminism

25:49

is. I. was like they

25:51

only have to sunny here because this place

25:53

is garbage but i'll get you a fucking

25:55

did like do need a watered you want

25:57

it to need some some expired like trust

26:00

popcorn from the grocery aisle at the home goods like

26:02

what do you need? She's like, no, no, I'm good.

26:04

I've been here for about 30 minutes,

26:06

but wow, it just, it

26:08

really hit me and then I was really freaking out,

26:10

but now I'm having a great time. I'm like, good.

26:14

Anything I'm going to be in the fucking,

26:16

I'm going to be in the, uh, linen's

26:18

aisle, but you just, let's have a code,

26:20

a mating call. You just start and

26:23

I'll fucking find you. Then start. Oh God, we

26:25

were laughing. Then I started laughing so hard. It

26:27

was like such a moment

26:29

of joy for the both of us. I didn't get

26:31

this woman's name, but somewhere

26:34

there is a woman in a vest who just

26:36

had the time of her life at a home

26:38

goods at 11 AM on a mother

26:40

fucking Tuesday. And I

26:43

celebrate her. I love her. And I want

26:45

to be her. I want to be

26:47

inside of her. She looked

26:49

at me like one last time before she peeled out of the aisle. She looked

26:51

at me and she goes, I don't look

26:53

crazy. Right? Like I seem fine. Right?

26:55

I'm like, you seem more than fine.

26:58

Okay. You're the finest motherfucker in this

27:00

place. Okay. People will part like

27:02

the goddamn red sea when they see you coming.

27:04

Your frequency, your energy right now is at a

27:06

level 10 in the best

27:08

way. We don't deserve you in this

27:10

home goods. I want you to run

27:12

these hoes over. I didn't exactly say

27:14

that, but I said basically, I'm like,

27:17

your energy is top fucking tier. You're

27:19

perfect. You're a star, quite frankly. You

27:21

don't seem crazy at all. You seem

27:23

like you have your shit together more

27:26

than anybody else here. Everyone else

27:28

broken. Okay. Broken damage fighting for

27:30

their life. Miserable. You are having

27:32

the time of your life and

27:34

we should all be so lucky

27:36

to experience in the, in

27:38

the osmosis

27:42

of your joy of your

27:44

mushroom chocolate joy. So

27:46

you go get them fucking tiger. And she's

27:48

like, thanks girly. And I'm like, I fucking

27:50

love you. I'm imagining her name is something

27:52

like, like a Gail

27:54

or Susan or Pam,

27:57

Pam, William. Thank

28:00

you. Pay em. She's definitely her name is

28:02

Fucking Pants. She's a pammy. If I've ever

28:04

fuck it's to the pammy on mushrooms. She's

28:06

appeal me in the seats and a Pm

28:08

on the streets. Speaking.

28:11

Of mater Dame, Hear her. Ah,

28:13

Ah ah ah ah ah ah.

28:17

Ah, I love when I

28:19

love a transition. I.

28:22

Tried she believes she could and she

28:24

didn't. Speaking. As

28:26

a hero because not all

28:28

heroes wear capes. Shit.

28:30

When Aids. Us. Phoenix

28:33

woman a case she is being

28:35

charged with starting an criminal trespassing

28:37

which she is pleading not guilty

28:40

to Says she meets a dude

28:42

on a dating site or came.

28:45

And allegedly has since

28:47

more than one hundred

28:50

and sixty nine thousand

28:52

text messages, son of

28:54

which. Are allegedly threatening,

28:57

but like, okay, it's called being

28:59

flirtatious and frisky and then it's

29:01

over the course of ten months

29:04

according to police. Records?

29:06

Really? Break. It down with

29:08

sort of feel it's called one. Sixty

29:10

Nine K divided by a hundred is

29:13

at me like crunch December is that

29:15

like. Sistine. Thousand

29:17

Nine Hundred. A

29:20

month. To. I get that

29:22

right. We don't know, and we don't really

29:24

fucking cares. Masses for ugly people. To

29:27

saying I'm actually really got math probably give them a

29:29

little bit ugly I think. Cuter. I've been

29:32

thinner, I've been cuter, and quite frankly,

29:34

I've been happier. Okay, we

29:36

crunched the numbers and by. Crunching,

29:38

I mean, I just like kind of

29:40

scroll down on the article and they

29:42

they did it for us on it's

29:45

about five hundred and thirty tax A.

29:47

For. ten months i find that

29:50

should be inspiring and admirable

29:52

not creepy and threatening so

29:54

i think this dude is

29:56

a fucking pussy they went

29:58

on one date. And

30:01

she just decided she was going

30:03

to cash in on that, you

30:05

know, unlimited text messaging. Maybe

30:07

she's got, I don't know, maybe she signed

30:10

up for sprint or T-Mobile and she got

30:12

unlimited texting. And she just thought, let her

30:14

run. Her mugshot

30:16

is amazing. I mean, we

30:18

need to work on the eyebrows, but like with

30:20

a with a bronzer and a

30:22

lip oil and maybe a hairbrush and

30:24

a keratin treatment. I think

30:27

she's out of his league, quite frankly.

30:29

So some example of the text messages

30:31

say things of this nature. I would

30:33

wear your fascia in the

30:36

top of your skull in your hands and feet.

30:39

Okay. Well, I don't like love that. That

30:42

feels Armie Hammer adjacent. And another one says,

30:44

I'd make sushi out of your kidneys and

30:46

chopsticks out of your hand bones. Cute.

30:50

Her trial is scheduled to begin next month. So,

30:52

you know, I wish her well. I

30:55

mean, I did say that I wanted to make

30:57

a body chain out of my son's teeth and

30:59

a dreamcatcher slash wind chime

31:01

out of his little Michelin arms.

31:03

So birds of a feather flock

31:06

together. Two Jackies just

31:08

jazzed on life. Love that for

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returns quince.com/bible i just

35:53

finished watching the super

35:55

bowl because i am

35:57

a sports enthusiasts i

35:59

mean the Taylor

36:01

Travis phenomenon that has

36:03

swept the nation in the world.

36:06

Why are we also obsessed with them?

36:09

It feels like an

36:11

early 2000s rom-com, you know,

36:14

with the football player and the pop

36:16

star and they seem so in

36:18

love and it's cute. She's never looked better,

36:20

by the way. Never looked

36:22

better than she did at that

36:24

Super Bowl last night. And her

36:27

little crochet corset, top, a ponytail,

36:29

which is just like a cheerleader

36:32

pony gets me hot

36:34

and slippery. She was wearing

36:36

area cutout denim with the

36:38

crystals, the whole thing. I don't

36:41

know what the fuck Blake Lively was wearing. I mean,

36:43

I love her. I'd take a bullet for her. I

36:45

do think she's the most gorgeous human being roaming

36:48

the planet with the best style

36:50

most of the time. She

36:53

was giving Sue Sylvester meets

36:55

13 going on 30 crimped chair.

36:57

I don't know what it was giving.

37:00

It was giving like the wedding singer

37:02

meets Run DMC meets Sue Sylvester meets

37:05

Sporty Spice. I'm

37:07

also just trying to gauge the temperature

37:09

on where we're at with accepting

37:12

Balenciaga back into our political

37:14

landscape, our fashion landscape, because I

37:17

thought Balenciaga was just done buried

37:19

in the ground. But now Kim

37:21

Kardashian is the face of Balenciaga.

37:24

Remember they did that like child

37:26

pornography, like very

37:28

weird campaign with kids and child leashes.

37:31

Loki would buy one, or it

37:33

was less about like a child leash was more like a

37:35

harness. Loki would buy

37:37

one. This is what I want for Travis

37:39

Kelsey and we're just a sharp right. I

37:42

need him to trim the beard just

37:44

a bit. Now I'm not sexually attracted

37:46

to Travis Kelsey. I think he seems

37:49

like kind of a cute sweet guy

37:51

that definitely does put chips

37:53

on a sandwich like goes to Jersey

37:55

Mike's gets a side of barbecue

37:57

lays and then layers them in his cold

37:59

cut. without a doubt would put my

38:01

entire family's life on the

38:04

fact that he puts chips in his

38:06

fucking sub sandwiches That's just I

38:08

mean, we just know that you know, I know

38:10

it because I've been there. I've seen it I've

38:13

dated it. So I got it. I got the

38:15

whole fucking rundown he needs

38:17

we got to trim the beard just

38:19

a bit because all I can think

38:21

of is Sub

38:24

sandwich trappings lodged in the

38:27

facial hair I

38:29

would like just just a micro trim, you

38:31

know, I love a little facial hair a

38:33

little scruff for the girls But

38:35

I just we need to tame it down just

38:37

a bit when he rolled up to the Super

38:40

Bowl in his Amiri, is

38:42

that how you pronounce it? It

38:44

was like a black boucle sequin

38:46

kind of suit Loungewear

38:49

thing and I think he's carrying like

38:51

a big black Louis Vuitton bag sunglasses.

38:53

I'm here for it I like the

38:56

whole big dick energy. Okay, it's like

38:58

tacky in the right way If that

39:00

makes sense, like he's just an all

39:02

caps guy and I like it. I

39:05

like it a lot I think it's fucking cute.

39:07

I don't know why I want to be a

39:09

cynic. I want to lean into the shtick This

39:11

is the bitch Bible, but I'm

39:14

rooting for them. I think it's cute Hey

39:16

space was having the time of her fucking life.

39:19

Not at all But the whole thing

39:21

it's just kind of cute and wholesome and all-american It

39:24

feels kitsch nostalgic and also like kind

39:26

of dorky in the best way and

39:28

I love it No

39:31

notes for Usher. He is a goddamn

39:33

star and I will die

39:35

on the hill of Usher

39:37

baby anyone that comes on here. I

39:40

don't know who else would come on here because it's just me Anyone

39:43

that is that much of a

39:45

cynic to say that Usher didn't kill

39:48

at the half-time show is Just

39:51

a fucking hater.

39:53

Okay, no notes. I loved

39:56

every second. I

39:58

refuse rebuke and any

40:00

negative feedback here. Don't ruin

40:04

nostalgia. A performer,

40:06

okay? A fucking performer, a god.

40:08

I want to have his babies.

40:10

I want to rename Clyde Usher,

40:12

okay? Remember when Maroon 5 did

40:15

the halftime show? Do you

40:17

remember that? Because it's burned in my

40:19

fucking brain. Sometimes I jolt up in

40:21

the middle of the night at 3am,

40:23

the witching hour, and I'm revolted

40:27

by the recollection

40:30

of Adam Levine taking his

40:32

fucking shirt off like a

40:35

skinny rat, saying, this love

40:37

has taken its soul. Like,

40:39

I hated it. I

40:42

hated it. Clowns. Usher is

40:44

a seasoned professional. I climax

40:46

14 fucking times. I

40:49

mean, let's just discuss

40:51

the discography. Okay, what

40:53

about the fucking rollerblades?

40:56

The rollerblades? The live vocal?

40:58

Do you know how many

41:00

fucking people record,

41:02

prerecord a live vocal?

41:05

That was all live, okay?

41:08

The dancing, the rollerblading,

41:11

the Lil' John, the

41:13

Alicia Keys in a

41:15

beaded red bodysuit

41:18

with a fucking cape and a

41:20

red piano. The

41:22

opening key was off key, but it

41:24

doesn't matter because that just proves that

41:26

she's also fucking singing live. Swiss Beats

41:28

was somewhere getting real pissed about Usher

41:31

getting handsy when he took his shirt

41:34

off and then his tank top off and then

41:36

revealed his gorgeous obliques.

41:38

I screamed. I screamed,

41:41

okay? Just the

41:44

natural sauce that he exudes,

41:46

okay? Some people just

41:49

have the sauce. Some

41:51

people have to buy

41:53

the sauce and some people spend

41:56

their entire life marinating

41:58

in other ways. people sauce.

42:01

It's all about sauce. You know what I'm

42:03

saying? There are only two types of people

42:06

in this world, people with sauce and people

42:08

with no sauce. And if you don't understand,

42:10

it's because you have no sauce. Anyways,

42:14

after the Super Bowl, Andrew's testosterone levels

42:16

were like through the fucking roof. He

42:18

had like three screens in front of

42:20

him. He's watching the Super Bowl. He's

42:22

watching some golf. He's watching basketball. The

42:25

sports, I say to him every day, I'm like,

42:27

if you're so passionate about these fucking sports, why

42:30

don't you go get a job

42:32

at ESPN? Okay, because you are

42:34

consumed by sports Saturday and

42:36

Sunday, all day. There's always a fucking

42:38

game. He watches old games. That was

42:41

a thing for a while. He was

42:43

watching old Kobe Bryant games. Okay. Just

42:45

for fun games. He's already seen, he

42:47

already knows the outcome. And I just,

42:49

I mean, yes, do I watch Real

42:51

Housewives of New York on loop over

42:54

and over and over and over and over

42:56

again? Am I also watching Bethany Ever After

42:58

for the 18th time? Yes, I am. But

43:02

that seems more unpredictable than a sporting

43:04

event, especially when there's always a game

43:06

on. There is always a game on.

43:09

Always. I was like, listen, um,

43:11

Fox Sports, ESPN, VH1,

43:14

I don't know any other sports channels, but maybe

43:16

you should go get a fucking internship there. So

43:18

his testosterone was through the fucking

43:20

roof. Okay. And, you know, he

43:23

likes, we do this thing where we

43:25

have, um, kind of like Nordstrom

43:27

lobby mornings and evenings where Andrew

43:29

will play the piano for Clyde

43:32

because we read somewhere that that

43:34

will make him smarter. And we're

43:36

just, you know, fighting for our

43:38

lives and his cerebral cortex

43:40

because we're too dumb. Fox.

43:42

So yesterday, Andrew was

43:45

playing the piano, um, before

43:47

Clyde went to bed. It's like really dorky,

43:49

but also very cute. And

43:52

she started, I forget, he was playing some song

43:54

and he's like, give me a song. I can

43:56

match any key. And I was like, okay, do

43:58

you want a fucking trophy? That's your

44:00

fucking job like Mazel tov. You're

44:02

good at music. I would fucking hope

44:05

so. It's it's literally what you

44:07

do Naimum Naimum name

44:09

of he's like give me a song give

44:11

me some I'll match the key play it

44:13

see That's kind of hard to do and

44:15

I'm like no it's like do you want

44:18

a fucking gold sticker on your goddamn forehead?

44:20

Meanwhile, I'm just like online buying sheer red

44:22

tights for Paris Clyde's foaming at the mouth

44:24

Like we don't care and by the way

44:26

if you weren't matching the key I wouldn't

44:29

even fucking know so this is like

44:32

a losing game for all nobody cares

44:35

He's like try and stop me come on think

44:38

of a hard one. I'm like. I don't care

44:40

I don't fucking care Okay

44:42

I was ready to go get a

44:44

Gatorade bucket fill it with ice and like

44:46

pour it behind him as he played You

44:49

know Elton John Rocket Man on the piano

44:52

Sports are the worst more

44:55

morsels of suburban joy an

44:58

autobiography by Jackie Schimel so

45:01

Andrew comes to me earlier last week, and

45:03

she's like hey I

45:06

just want to run some dates by you and

45:08

I'm like does this

45:10

negatively affect Me and

45:12

my functionality and my life of leisure in any

45:14

way shape or form because if so then the

45:17

answer is no Love you, and he's like wait

45:19

just listen, and I'm like what is it he's

45:21

like I got tickets

45:23

to the Masters now Andrew's whole personality is

45:25

that she goes to Masters every year It's

45:27

a very like he went to the Berkman

45:30

doctor. I don't know no that's wait. What

45:32

is it Berkman Berkman? Jerkman,

45:35

I don't know he went to some Berkman

45:37

Club Okay, and if he can work it

45:39

into a fucking sentence he'll work it into

45:42

a fucking sentence. He's also primarily dressed in

45:44

Masters Merch every

45:47

day of the fucking week, okay, which is just like

45:49

giving a little too Gentile energy for me, but whatever

45:51

live laugh Love he came back.

45:54

He got me a coral like

45:56

five years in a row. I got a pale

45:58

yellow visor a salmon-colored

46:01

master's visor, a fucking

46:03

windbreaker. I said, Andrew, with

46:06

a gun to my head, I

46:08

wouldn't walk down the street in

46:10

a buttercup yellow master's

46:12

fucking visor, okay? Like

46:15

one click away. I'd

46:17

rather have a gather wood plank stapled

46:20

to my, staple gunned to

46:22

my fucking grundle than

46:24

wear a master's buttercup

46:26

and or coral salmon

46:29

visor anywhere. Nothing could

46:31

be less cool, quite frankly. But because

46:34

I'm going to Paris alone for five nights, I

46:36

figured, oh fuck, I'm going to have to let

46:38

him go to the goddamn master's

46:40

so he can just go ejaculate all

46:42

over the course and burst

46:44

at the seams. And it's the highlight of

46:46

his goddamn year. And because I'm a selfless

46:49

loving wife that will hold it over his

46:51

head, despite the fact that I'm going on

46:53

a longer vacation just a month prior, you

46:55

know, it's kind of worth the trip, right?

46:59

So he runs the dates by me. I'm like, oh,

47:01

fine, whatever. A couple days

47:03

later, he goes, Hey, my mom and sister

47:05

are going to come out for a

47:07

few days in April. They're staying with us. I said,

47:09

okay, fine. Why don't you let me know those dates

47:11

so I can put it on the calendar? He's like,

47:13

Oh shit, I haven't really checked. Let me call my

47:15

sister. He calls his sister. He

47:18

goes, Hey, what, what are the

47:20

dates you guys are coming out? His

47:23

sister's like, yeah, our flights are

47:25

nonrefundable. And we fly out the

47:27

exact dates of the fucking masters.

47:29

Okay. I see all the blood

47:31

drain from Andrew's face. His mom

47:33

and his sister live in Kentucky.

47:35

She just had a baby. The,

47:38

you know, the babies haven't spent any

47:40

time together. He's an uncle. I'm an

47:42

aunt, like family first, you know, he's

47:45

also on a pedestal, like, you

47:47

know, God's gift to the earth in

47:49

his sister and his mother's eyes. Rightfully.

47:51

So he's a wonderful Son. He's

47:53

a wonderful brother, but now

47:55

he is faced with the

47:57

ultimate predicament, whether he chooses.

48:00

Family. Or second golf. When

48:02

I heard her give those days

48:05

and I looked down at my

48:07

calendar the July the evil demonic

48:09

choice I got the biggest smile

48:11

on my face and I was

48:14

like oh fuck yes, Karma is

48:16

my boyfriend. And. Then

48:18

his voice sick when up I've asked his in

48:20

his it's. Funny

48:22

courses is. Like

48:25

a six. Figure

48:29

it out. And

48:33

it can feel him just dying inside

48:35

because his. Life joy

48:37

is prioritization. Okay,

48:40

of the craft. Of the

48:42

fucking golf. Okay, The dream

48:44

is being harassed boonies him and

48:46

nothing brings see or her shop.

48:51

And like maybe I'll go in your place.

48:54

Is the ticket transfer of?

48:56

or maybe I'll go. Pack

48:59

my better adviser and I'll be there

49:01

in. It's. Oh

49:03

my god I forgot another thing

49:05

happen at some that besides mice.

49:07

Ah, mushroom intake by proxy. Ah,

49:10

Near the survey says and

49:12

assorted touch skis. And I

49:14

entered like another. I'll I like to

49:16

buy a little kids cocktail napkins and

49:18

gift bags from home goods. Like I

49:20

said, she loves to tootle. Okay, it's

49:23

just an error in offensive. Too bad.

49:25

so get four hundred things are put

49:27

him in a closet, will never open

49:29

them. and then I feel like I

49:31

just did something you know just for

49:33

the sole chicken soup. Okay, There

49:36

was this woman who was looking at

49:38

just the worst artwork that you could

49:40

possibly find. it a hundreds make. Whoop!

49:42

those canvases that are like graffiti

49:45

canvases that are like so bank

49:47

c or like assorted like a

49:49

picture of assorted books that says

49:52

like some now all i way

49:54

of our time like just embarrassing

49:56

so this woman in her daughter

49:59

were going these little canvases,

50:01

okay, like one by one. And

50:03

the woman kept saying, jedor, jedor.

50:06

Ah, yes, jedor. And it triggered me

50:08

so deeply because me and Max have

50:10

spent probably, I would say like three

50:12

and a half months of our life

50:14

talking about people who casually use the

50:17

word jedor, instead of like, I say

50:19

like baby likey or ooh me likey.

50:22

But like, as a replacement, someone would say like

50:24

jedor instead of like, oh, I like that or

50:26

like, yeah, that's cool. Love it. jedor,

50:29

jedor. I'm like with hair

50:31

color like that and those shitty extensions.

50:33

And that fucking purse. You're not no

50:36

one's allowed to say jedor quite frankly,

50:38

but you with the

50:40

tapens that are five feet

50:42

longer than your actual hair. You're not

50:45

allowed to say jedor in any capacity

50:47

ever. Nobody is by the way, no

50:50

one is allowed to say

50:52

it. Oh, jedor. jedor that

50:54

yes, jedor. Awful,

50:57

disgusting. Okay, like

51:00

jedai. jedai in a

51:02

fire. jedai in a

51:04

jiffy. Okay. I

51:06

am struggling. I

51:10

love you so much. Thank you for listening to

51:12

this fucking terrible podcast.

51:14

And by terrible, I mean, one

51:16

of the best out there in my personal opinion,

51:18

but hey, I'm an asshole.

51:22

Give us five stars on iTunes,

51:24

five stars on Spotify. I will

51:27

see you next week. I

51:29

can't wait. Oh, and I've got some updates.

51:31

This is what we call a softies, girlies.

51:34

I've been poached for not one, but

51:36

two Motherfucking Mom

51:38

groups and I have

51:40

politely declined more to

51:42

share next week. Softies.

51:44

Bye.