0:01

The following podcast is a dear media

0:03

production. Hello,

0:17

everybody. Another week of me bleeding out

0:19

for the craft. I

0:21

feel like the reason that I don't have beef

0:24

with other podcasters is because I

0:26

am recognized and

0:28

celebrated for fighting on the front lines

0:30

of transparency by naming the puppy, which

0:33

is why we don't beat around the

0:36

bush here, why we're not afraid to

0:38

talk shit and name names here. We

0:42

got to talk about Pookie. OK, we

0:44

need to talk about

0:48

Pookie. If you're saying Jackie,

0:51

who the fuck is Pookie? I'm

0:53

going to tell you. She is

0:56

my new hyper fixation. She's

0:58

all over the ticket. He talks and

1:00

she's all over the Instagram. OK, so

1:02

there's this couple. Their names

1:05

are Campbell and Jet, but

1:07

Jet lovingly refers to his

1:09

wife as Pookie. They are

1:11

my new favorite couple influencer

1:13

duo. Pookie gets around. OK,

1:15

and Pookie likes a leopard

1:20

pant. Pookie likes a jaunt

1:22

to Paris. Pookie likes a headband and

1:24

Pookie likes a little mini

1:27

baby Kelly. OK, and Pookie

1:29

likes a bow in her hair. Pookie

1:31

likes a Pookie likes a

1:33

lot of different things. OK, and I

1:35

spent approximately three and a half hours yesterday

1:38

just deep diving Pookielicious.

1:42

It's a series of like happy

1:44

home life reels of her husband, like bringing

1:47

her flowers date night. Oh,

1:49

oh, TDS. Just life at

1:51

home with Pookie. Pookie definitely

1:54

is stuck in a 2007

1:56

time warp. where

2:00

she is just realizing her Blair

2:03

Waldorf small-town dreams, and

2:05

it shows in the outfits, and

2:08

I just couldn't be happier. I

2:10

sit in bed, okay, glowing

2:13

one-and-a-half martinis deep, okay,

2:16

with a rosacea flare-up foaming at

2:18

the mouth before I take my

2:20

recreational night quill, and

2:22

I'm just

2:25

dreaming of Pookie. When

2:28

Pookie's feeling rustic, she loves a

2:30

wide-brimmed hat, and she's still

2:32

rocking a skinny jean tucked into a

2:34

high boot with a belt and a

2:37

long-sleeved shirt, which her husband just loves.

2:39

He loves her in a long-sleeved shirt.

2:41

Now, Jet, Pookie's husband, is giving repressed

2:43

homosexuality, and you're going to say, Jackie,

2:46

you say that about everybody. I

2:48

think inherently any man... Uh-oh,

2:51

here we go. Now, gender norms are

2:53

so 2008. Okay,

2:55

kill me. Sue me. Lock

2:58

me up. I think any dude,

3:01

okay, that willingly and lovingly

3:03

stands in front of a ring light at

3:06

any point in time kind

3:08

of wants to pee pee up his butthole, just

3:10

a little bit, or even just a finger, and

3:13

that's not shade. If anything, that's a

3:15

goddamn compliment. I prefer homosexual

3:17

men. I just want everyone

3:19

to live transparently. You

3:22

know, Jet gets a little too excited

3:24

when Pookie's wearing a fur collar. After

3:27

Pookie plugs in that ring light, okay, the

3:29

public proclamations of love are

3:32

dripping, okay? The nightstands,

3:34

of course, match the dresser. What

3:36

else can we say? I

3:39

mean, Pookie loves a bouncy blow

3:41

dry. The blow dry is bouncy. Her

3:46

name is Campbell. Give her a follow. She's

3:48

a star, and I will – I'd

3:50

take a bullet for Pookie, okay? And

3:53

Jet, right up the ass. I'm

3:57

such a bitch. I can't – Don't

4:01

know. How to live any other way. I

4:03

like naming the puppy. Can.

4:06

You imagine me? Cowardly

4:08

behind this microphone already

4:10

and then not. You

4:13

know, talking shit, naming names and hate when

4:15

people to that? a case the couple weeks

4:17

ago of the sagging that health influence or

4:19

her name slack and Melissa Would Pepperberg That's

4:21

who I was fucking talking about. Okay so

4:23

you know everyone in the face it it.

4:26

Does she have beef? With. So and

4:28

so I always name

4:30

the mother fuckin' puppies.

4:33

Woof woof bets. I

4:36

am so pissy this morning.

4:38

Okay, I watched the Quincy

4:40

Jones documentary last night and

4:43

I has. Unhealthy

4:45

feelings towards Quincy Jones. What?

4:48

A legend. What an icon I

4:50

didn't understand. Still have to watch

4:52

it if you haven't seen it's

4:54

I didn't understand how Quincy Jones

4:57

like how many avenues of media

4:59

that he. You. Touched

5:01

his genius on obviously

5:03

we know Quincy Jones.

5:06

Act: Master ah, Musician

5:08

producer, Composer. All

5:10

of the things artists I

5:12

didn't realize. He also on

5:14

you know had his hands

5:16

in philanthropy. my life of

5:18

case in television in movies

5:20

I had no idea. Ah

5:23

what a star. Cried my

5:25

eyes out. I root for

5:27

people. Okay and I people

5:29

who win. So I like

5:31

watching documentaries about goddamn winners.

5:33

I was crying so hard.

5:35

I'm it's why I. Like

5:37

to watch anything. I like a

5:39

solo consumption because I don't know what's

5:42

gonna hit me sideways. I can't get

5:44

through the credits prick. Who am I?

5:47

Okay, Are. we are case red

5:49

leather yellow leather wrap other yellow leather

5:51

lock it up batch of hey i

5:53

can't get through the credits of father

5:56

of the bride one or two even

5:58

to gets me fucking misty When

6:00

they do the nursery reveal, spoiler

6:02

alert, in Father of the Bride

6:04

2, inconsolable.

6:08

Inconsolable. Another thing that makes me cry,

6:10

ironically, I start

6:12

out the mornings with Clyde. We

6:14

do different genres of music, okay, because I'm

6:16

kind of banking on him being a rock

6:18

star. I don't know why. I

6:20

just, or like a Phineas type, I don't

6:23

know. I just feel it deep, deep, deep

6:25

in my labia that he's going to be

6:27

like a third generation musical

6:29

something, okay. And

6:33

so we wake up in the morning and

6:35

we pick different genres. Sometimes we do like,

6:37

you know, French 60s pop music, a

6:40

lot of 90s hip hop. This

6:43

morning we did 90s alternative. We've

6:46

been on a kick of the 90s alternative. And

6:49

if you ever want to have the best day of your

6:51

life, okay, or you're having

6:53

the worst day of your life, this

6:56

is a song that transcends

6:59

moods, menstrual

7:01

cycles, time, religions,

7:05

anything, okay. You

7:08

only get what you give by new

7:10

radicals. There is never a

7:12

moment in any point of my life

7:15

where I have not felt like listening to

7:17

that song. It breaks

7:19

you and emboldens you at the

7:22

same time. You can't have a

7:24

bad moment when you're listening to

7:26

that song, okay. It is the

7:29

most nostalgic, optimistic, fucking

7:31

banger for the masses.

7:34

We played it this morning. I started hysterically

7:38

crying, watching Clyde in his

7:40

jolly jumper, you know,

7:42

rock out with his cock out. To

7:47

new radicals, you only get what

7:50

you give, okay. In

7:52

shoes with Beck and Hanson, Courtney Love

7:54

and Marilyn Manson. You're all rich. Go

7:56

to your mansions. Come around. We'll

7:59

kick your asses. Oh my God.

8:01

It kind of reminds me of a song that

8:03

I wrote when I was like seven. It was

8:05

called it is for my sister and menacing. A

8:07

free I probably already have because or ten years. Dps.

8:10

It does. Ah

8:13

though, they're this is disgusting. I literally wrote

8:15

this on I was like seven or eight

8:17

years old but my sister ah I'm you

8:19

know I had to keep myself entertained. I

8:22

was raised by wolves basically ah that there

8:24

may be many cornucopia as as as silly

8:26

you my dear our when or that kind

8:28

of it. a. Fertility

8:31

smelly feet down there be

8:33

really reeks mariners immersive or

8:35

me timbers chicken thing as

8:37

I am sensing. Now allows.

8:39

I love the Lastly I had to add that

8:42

have the edge because I was says. It.

8:44

Was kind of like Loki bullying, so about

8:46

that if I just added compliments. Quite similar

8:48

to Pokey. You know if

8:50

you, if you disguise the

8:52

insults. In between a compliment sandwich he

8:55

hit him at the front. The Adam on the

8:57

back end of like i love you have a

8:59

subsidy or take a voluntary i die on the

9:01

hill of his yeah down the hill for you

9:04

Ashley Then he planned it just gets lost in

9:06

the Michigan is a life lesson you on They

9:08

get what she does. Some.

9:11

After like a couple drinks i get like a weird urge

9:13

and like us on he would be if i just venmo

9:15

to the a thousand. Dollars and he just had seen

9:17

kill. And then no contacts and I

9:20

just he entered he said please check your venmo

9:22

think feel and then we never to talk again

9:24

and I blocker. And. Then I cry, see

9:26

you get what you give. Am I as I

9:28

go? and now I'm just fun. Mother.

9:30

Of the year. update on I took

9:32

my son to a Mommy and Me

9:35

gym class on Friday. Okay I for

9:37

saw he hates their i hate that.

9:39

I mean we're gonna go back because

9:41

it's like good for him And and

9:44

by we I mean my nanny and

9:46

him are going to go back as

9:48

enrolled them in a multitude of different

9:50

classes sensory arts, music, Gymnastics

9:52

baby gym I won't be

9:55

there bad at. you know

9:57

I wish them well. Tamir.

10:01

Tv. Y el hags one for

10:03

three. So I took Clyde on

10:05

Friday to this gym class. Okay,

10:09

And. There's a lot of like. Interactive singing and

10:11

clapping and playing and I was laughing so

10:13

hard or just bearing my face into his

10:15

well I don't know where his neck as

10:17

he doesn't really have a knack because it's

10:19

just a goes from chin to tits I'm

10:22

so first they take him in the fucking

10:24

gym. Class: Okay. I'm like

10:26

a lot like a like Simone

10:28

Biles. Okay, Is.

10:31

That the gymnastics woman. I

10:33

don't know, I can't my throat closing up. Also,

10:35

I have a little bit of a cold a

10:37

couple weeks ago when I got home from Bahamas.

10:40

Also like of the same time as Clyde Sleuths.

10:42

Why I thought that maybe it like a we

10:44

just had a viral variety. But

10:46

find something twenty twenty. I think I

10:49

might have had cove it because eyes

10:51

and coughing for three weeks and you

10:53

know I think I might have long

10:55

cove at I felt fine. But the

10:58

coffin? there's no Dylan, it's a landless

11:00

dry cough that's thing going on for

11:02

three weeks. Maybe his allergies? Maybe it's

11:04

covert, maybe it's maybelline. So I picked

11:07

the kids the second gym class. okay

11:09

then he took him to sushi so

11:11

he who watch me he as i

11:13

was sammis from all the maternal you

11:16

know. Energy. I was putting out

11:18

the universe. Then I took to

11:20

that fucker to Barnes and Noble

11:22

and bought him books. Okay. And

11:24

I sat in the little chair

11:26

living a lie and I read

11:28

him a little book okay in

11:30

public. Like. A star. So.

11:32

I bought him like you know, a

11:35

judge books that occasionally I just don't

11:37

like. Yeah, the classic. The

11:39

rainbow fish because that was my

11:41

favorite as a kid. mad align

11:43

the giving tree and there's something

11:45

about a fucking. Strawberry? Okay.

11:48

So. I was reading in the

11:50

books like a wonderful woman last night.

11:52

I'm reading The Giving Tree. and

11:54

shell silverstein needs to do

11:57

a revision on the book

12:00

because it is a terrible,

12:03

terrible message to send children. Now, anytime

12:05

I read any fucking book, I put

12:08

my own spin on it because I

12:10

find the books to be insulting

12:12

to a baby's intelligence and they're just like,

12:16

oh my God, there is this book, okay, I

12:18

forget what it's called. And it's just a series

12:20

of sad, I am Sam

12:22

pictures with just like a

12:24

caterpillar, three grapes, a

12:27

star, a sea horse, a

12:29

lake, a tree, three apples, the

12:33

end, I'm like, what the fuck is

12:36

this? What sick 5150 locked

12:39

up raw psychopath, got

12:42

a rogue colored

12:44

pencil and came out with this shit.

12:47

How is this simulating at all?

12:49

Like I don't understand, a rock,

12:51

three trees, four apples,

12:54

a starfish, what? Where's

12:56

the correlation? Where's the continuity? What is

12:59

this? And why are these drawings so

13:01

Vah-cah-tah? So as I read

13:03

these books to him, I'm always just

13:05

adding things, okay, because I believe the

13:07

children are the future. So I'm reading

13:09

him the fucking Giving Tree last night.

13:11

And I'm like, first of

13:13

all, Clyde, that little freeloading bitch-ass

13:16

boy with no job took

13:18

the Giving Tree's branches to go build

13:21

some sad fucking studio apartment where he

13:23

will die alone in fucking Los Feliz

13:25

because he probably pretends to be like,

13:27

I don't know, a creative director when

13:30

his only direction is to the fucking

13:32

unemployment line in a wide-brained fedora because

13:34

he needs protection from the motherfucking son

13:36

because he can't even sit in the

13:39

fucking shade of the Giving Tree because

13:41

alas, he took that bitch's fucking

13:43

branches and leaves like a freeloading

13:45

snorer. And that

13:48

little stump-ass, she's not happy. She

13:50

was bled dry. She was taken

13:52

advantage of. She was abused by

13:54

the patriarchy. Oh yeah, oh, I'll

13:57

make it personal. Yeah, let's make it a feminist.

13:59

And it's his shoe. Yeah, yeah,

14:01

I'll go there. Speaking of Pookie, I'm gonna bring

14:04

her up at least 14 more times. So just

14:06

get ready for it. You know,

14:08

Pookie and me, birds of a feather,

14:10

we're not flocking or flying together. So

14:13

Andrew left me for dead, young

14:16

single mother with full-time help for a

14:19

week. And Clyde

14:21

had just got over the flu. We were supposed to go

14:23

with him to New York. I checked the weather and I

14:25

thought, I don't have a coat for

14:27

that. So we're gonna stay home and like, just

14:29

get back in our groove. We just got back

14:31

from the Bahamas. It felt selfish

14:34

and chaotic to then

14:36

uproot, you know, my Tama

14:38

Flu prints, throw them on another

14:40

plane in like three degree weather and be like,

14:42

we're going to New York. Mama wants a teeny

14:45

and a crap cake. You know what I mean?

14:47

So whatever, so we stayed back. Now,

14:50

Pookie, when her husband

14:53

comes home from a work trip, she

14:55

puts on a pair of leopard

14:57

skinny jeans, a belt, a

15:00

long sleeve shirt, her husband,

15:02

what's his name, Jet? Jet loves Pookie in

15:04

a long sleeve shirt. I

15:07

mean, more coverage, just saying. And

15:10

you know, she surprises him with

15:12

an espresso martini, a romantic

15:14

date night. When Andrew came home from

15:16

New York, I surprised him

15:19

with like a note memo in my

15:21

phone of

15:24

all the silent resentment that I

15:27

was feeling, including just

15:29

like some audio clips of Clyde screaming

15:31

his head off at various times of

15:34

the day while he was

15:36

gallivanting in New York so that he

15:38

would understand what I was dealing with.

15:40

You know, videos of the baby crying,

15:42

videos of the baby screaming, clips

15:45

from the Nanit camera, you know, stuff like

15:48

that. Because I just wanted him

15:50

to understand the

15:52

turmoil that I had gone through,

15:54

you know, nursing

15:57

him back to health through

15:59

the flu. And just taking him into

16:01

the world of the fact that I took

16:03

him to a gym class. Okay, I took

16:05

him to a library I read

16:07

him a fucking book. I made him

16:09

a egg puree. We had salmon.

16:11

I was making baby food I was like,

16:14

what the fuck is this? and

16:16

they did have a bit of a

16:18

nervous breakdown on day five of uh,

16:20

just me and clide writing it out

16:22

because I felt like And

16:25

I know this is ridiculous to say because there's so

16:27

many people that are single mothers that have you know

16:29

18 children and full-time jobs and no help

16:32

and all the things but like let's just

16:34

be insular and disgusting for a second Just

16:38

coming Pookie

16:43

shiml hyphen house. It does have a

16:45

ring to it. I'm going to demand

16:48

that everybody moving forward only refer to

16:50

me as pookie. Okay so

16:53

What was I saying? Oh jackie. Let's

16:55

get insular. Oh, I was having a

16:57

mini meltdown Um on day

17:00

five because I just felt like I wasn't

17:02

doing anything great. Like I was just being

17:04

I was bad at everything and Specifically

17:08

with clide who was teething and

17:10

fussy and just being a little

17:12

fucking asshole I by

17:14

the end of the day All I wanted to

17:16

do was tap out and I kept looking at

17:18

the clock thinking Would it be terrible if

17:20

I put him down for bed at 4 p.m? Okay Just

17:23

maybe a hit of a nyquil or

17:25

something Like I need this fucker to

17:27

go down and that two and a

17:29

half three hour stretch at the end

17:31

of the day Where i'm just so

17:33

exhausted from being with him and mothering

17:36

him. This is real shit. I'm being

17:38

dead serious right now I was like

17:40

I have made a huge mistake. I

17:42

have i'm in the reserves of maternal

17:44

instincts and I am So

17:46

over this fucker like i'm over him.

17:48

I love him, but I don't want

17:50

to take care of him anymore Okay

17:52

in the simplest way jackey

17:56

I don't give a fuck i'm

17:58

being honest. Okay It was

18:01

not fulfilling for me. It

18:03

was depleting. And all I

18:05

wanted to do was shove his ass

18:07

off to somebody else. I

18:10

would have left him with a homeless person under

18:12

the 101 freeway with a rogue

18:14

needle in her arm, just so that I

18:16

could go take a shower, have a few

18:18

deep breaths, a little cry and then

18:21

go feed him his anchovy butternut squash

18:23

or sardines, whatever. Packed in water, no

18:25

added salts, relax. I heard it was

18:27

good for them. I saw it on

18:29

a tickety-tock, okay? No

18:32

bones, relax. Like, I feel

18:34

like when you talk about anything with

18:36

children and like motherhood, it is such

18:38

a hot button issue. And you have

18:40

to make so many fucking caveats before

18:42

you say anything honest, because women are

18:44

terrorists and they will slide into your

18:46

DMs and fuck up your whole goddamn

18:48

day. Did you know that a kid

18:50

ingested a sardine and a bone punctured

18:52

their trachea and then they bled out

18:54

and died in the middle of the

18:56

night? Thanks, Tricia. Thank

18:58

you, Tricia. This

19:00

is super helpful. Pookie would

19:03

never. So yeah,

19:05

that was where I was at emotionally

19:07

last week. But now, you know, we

19:09

had a beautiful weekend. I've

19:12

got a lot of sodium retention out between

19:14

the new radicals and Quincy Jones. And now

19:16

I'm just fucking free balling. Obviously

19:19

I'm an amazing mother, okay? And part

19:21

of being an amazing mother is making

19:23

sure that my child just looks fucking

19:25

cool, okay? And that's why

19:27

I love Caiden Lane. I am a huge

19:29

fan of personalized kids clothes.

19:32

I think it's so cute. I love

19:34

like a sweater or a romper that

19:36

says his name on it, whatever. It's

19:39

also just like a nice cute gift to

19:41

buy someone because it's not like you just

19:43

like rolled into a store and like picked

19:45

out a top, you know? A personalized touch

19:47

is always lovely. Caiden

19:50

Lane has the absolute cutest little sweaters.

19:52

I die for the little sweater rompers.

19:54

Slide has one in every color with

19:56

his name on it. They're

19:59

like long sleeves. really

20:01

soft, cute, like a cheeky

20:03

little romper. And then,

20:05

you know, it says Clyde on it

20:07

because that's his name. Also, you

20:09

know, it's going to be summertime. Sooner

20:12

than you can even blink, okay? And

20:14

they have the cutest bathing suits also if you're

20:17

like a mommy and baby matching

20:19

kind of girly. Or you want

20:21

your husband to match your son. They

20:23

have adult size clothing that like coordinates

20:25

with the kids clothing. So if you

20:27

think I didn't get Andrew and Clyde

20:30

little matching floral board shorts

20:32

for the Bahamas, you're

20:34

wrong, sure did. Also,

20:37

if you have little older kids, they

20:39

have new color me pajamas, which are

20:41

basically like an art project. They're just

20:43

pajamas, the kids can color on them.

20:46

It's super clean and easy. They wash

20:48

out in the laundry

20:50

and then they can have at it

20:52

all over again. You know, we're just

20:54

like inciting creativity through fashion and art.

20:56

Kade and Lane, they really do it

20:58

all. Kade and Lane is your one

21:00

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21:02

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21:33

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21:35

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21:37

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22:38

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23:37

You are so welcome. That

23:39

is the best deal in town. I'm

23:42

sorry. You know how I get.

23:44

It's just I can't be held responsible. It's

23:46

a touch of autism and quite frankly, Rain

23:48

Woman tendencies. I was diagnosed with OCD as

23:50

a child, okay? It's the

23:53

bird phobia. It's the vomit phobia. It's all

23:55

encompassing. It's under the same umbrella. So just

23:57

take me as I am, rain or shine.

24:00

I'll have never had more

24:02

people, my close friends, okay,

24:04

that are not on the

24:06

internet. They're not Instagrammy. They're

24:09

not tickety-tockies. They're like, you

24:11

know, people that check their Instagrams like maybe like

24:13

once every few days, like they're not these girls.

24:16

Okay. The amount of times that

24:19

those breeds of bitches, okay,

24:21

have sent me Pookie videos

24:23

being like, do you know

24:25

who Pookie is? Have

24:27

you seen Pookie? Are you

24:29

aware of the poopster? Pookielicious.

24:33

Okay. Pooke mama. Are

24:36

you aware? I want you

24:38

to know that I am aware. Okay.

24:40

I am aware. I see you. See

24:43

something, say something. Also,

24:45

I was at the farmer's market earlier. You're

24:48

welcome. And I was walking

24:50

by a subway. Ironically, in

24:52

the parking lot of the farmer's market that

24:54

I go to on Sundays, there's like this

24:57

rogue subway that's been there for 400 years

24:59

that like doesn't look like a subway.

25:02

It kind of looks like it's like

25:04

a farm to table, like sandwich shop,

25:06

but it's a subway. And by the

25:09

way, no shade to subway. I fucking

25:11

love subway. The smell of the bread,

25:14

the turkey that isn't probably

25:16

turkey that if you just threw it

25:18

at the ground would bounce back up.

25:21

The cookies. Do you want to

25:23

talk about the subway cookies? Do you

25:25

want to talk about the perfect avocado? Do

25:27

you want to talk about really? That's

25:30

all I got. I don't fuck with the tuna cell.

25:32

That's disgusting. Humblebrag. My

25:34

husband was a subway sandwich

25:36

artist. Okay. When he was around

25:38

14 years old. So

25:40

you know, it's just like it runs

25:43

in the family. They are selling churros

25:45

now. Also, another

25:47

churro hotspot. Home

25:49

away from home. El Pollo Loco. I was

25:52

feeling frisky last week and I normally get

25:54

the two piece combo breast and a wing

25:57

extra crispy, which is like code for

25:59

extra. chicken skin because I just can't

26:01

would use it as a loofah. Some

26:03

people dry brush in the morning, I

26:06

would take the skin off of an El

26:08

Pollo Loco chicken and rub it all over

26:11

my body for exfoliation, like

26:13

beautiful lubrication, a glow and just,

26:17

you know, a gorgeous stench.

26:20

That is my dry brush of choice.

26:22

It is a fucking crispy

26:25

El Pollo Loco chicken skin.

26:27

I tried the double

26:29

chicken avocado salad. Now, the

26:33

lettuce is questionable. And I don't

26:35

need a corn like on a

26:37

salad. I'll do a corn on

26:40

the cob, clam bake, summertime, barbecue,

26:42

burger, corn, roasted veggie type of

26:44

an ordeal with like a chimichurri

26:46

or something. But I

26:48

don't need a corn niblet in

26:51

a salad because just of

26:53

digestion. Didn't need it

26:55

but quite nice. Now hot tip for

26:57

the girlies looking to be felt and

26:59

stunning. I used half

27:02

the dressing and then I said, Can

27:04

I please get a side of the

27:06

regular avocado salsa not mayonnaise base. So

27:08

then I did a half seat. Okay,

27:10

and it was stunning. And guess what

27:12

I had to drink a fucking diet

27:14

coke. Okay, give me all the xylitol

27:16

or whatever it is. Did you know

27:18

that calories cancer? Yeah, everybody

27:20

did. I like a little

27:23

diet coke here and there. It's it's

27:25

just something I'm trying out and it works well for

27:27

me. Pookie loves this. I don't know

27:29

why I can't do his fucking accent. I can't

27:31

do the southern thing. It goes straight to Australia

27:33

and then it always ends up in Asia. We

27:36

need to talk about Monica Garcia

27:38

from the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

27:40

in her motherfucking burn book. Now I know

27:42

that we've discussed it last week and the

27:44

week prior, but the burn book didn't come

27:46

out until last week. So we just need

27:49

to stay on top of it. Now,

27:51

this reunion reunion, come on land the

27:54

plane red leather, yellow leather was

27:56

very polarizing because finally

27:59

Heather Gay and admits that Jen Shaw

28:01

was the one that gave her the

28:03

black eye. And it created a lot

28:05

of conversation because she blamed

28:07

production, which is a total

28:10

no go. It's super, super

28:12

irresponsible to blame crew

28:15

for something that they had no part of. That

28:18

is fucked up. And I do not cosign

28:20

on any of that because I mean, the

28:22

crew should be treated like fucking royalty

28:24

for those shows, quite frankly, because it

28:27

is a bloodbath. I can't even imagine. The

28:29

toxicity. So that's

28:32

not cool. But, you

28:34

know, if we really deep dive it and we

28:36

overly analyze and therapies it because that's what we

28:39

do in 2024. And we just

28:41

make caveats and hyperbolic,

28:43

you know, mental

28:45

health allowances and correlations to

28:47

things that sometimes are just stupid

28:49

and surface and fucked up. One

28:52

can make the argument that because

28:55

Heather Gay was abused, typical

28:59

victims of abuse will deflect

29:02

and pivot blame because they're afraid

29:04

of their abuser. Okay, so there

29:06

we go. Now, you're welcome

29:08

for that one. Okay. And my whole body is

29:10

rejecting the sentiment. You know, she probably was just

29:12

covering for her friend and was freaked out that

29:14

Jen Shaw was going to roll up on her

29:16

ass. But let's make it let's make

29:19

it cute. But let's make it

29:21

sensitive. Not cute. Let's make it sensitive.

29:23

Okay. That's not gonna be

29:25

good. So okay, so that happens. She

29:28

admits it. She agrees that it's totally

29:30

fucked up. It's amazing

29:32

what a morsel of accountability. See, we're

29:34

taking it broad now we went micro

29:36

we're going macro. It's amazing what just

29:38

a small, small little

29:41

speck of accountability will do for

29:44

people. I think that

29:46

Monica could have stuck around now it's

29:48

obviously been reported that she will no

29:50

longer be part of the Real Housewives

29:53

of Salt Lake City, which obviously fucking

29:55

duh. Okay. She burned the house

29:57

down and not in a good way. Keep talking

29:59

shit. Okay. I'm like, hey Monica, you're like,

30:02

nobody will care in about six months. So

30:04

write it hard. Okay. If

30:09

she came into this reunion being like, listen,

30:12

I am embarrassed that this came out.

30:14

I am mortified. I totally

30:16

understand why the rest of you

30:18

on these sofas would look at

30:21

me and be like, she's a

30:23

troll. She's infiltrated. She's

30:25

talked badly about us. She has, you

30:28

know, tried to capitalize off

30:30

of our despair repeatedly. And

30:32

I am so fucking sorry.

30:34

And I'm so fucking embarrassed.

30:36

And I hope

30:39

you all can forgive me. I mean,

30:41

it would have been a mic drop. Everyone

30:44

probably would have rallied around her.

30:46

But see, there are only

30:48

two types of people in this

30:51

world, smart people and stupid people.

30:53

And there is quite literally nothing

30:55

in between. And as the great

30:57

Bethany Frankel once said, you can't

30:59

play smart and stupid. So

31:01

you got to pick one. And if

31:03

you are just a little bit stupid, leaning

31:07

into the accountability is always the

31:09

right choice. If you're smart, you

31:11

already know this, okay, it is

31:14

the most diffusive, disarming way

31:16

to get through life. When you get

31:18

busted, put your hands up, take

31:21

it take on more than

31:23

you even need to, okay,

31:25

because then it just it

31:27

completely counteracts the

31:30

dynamic, it completely like does a

31:32

universal shift for the whole situation.

31:34

If you over not over apologize,

31:37

but if you take 100% accountability,

31:40

okay, no, I'm sorry, you feel that

31:43

way. I'm sorry, you're angry. People who

31:45

are stupid, do that when they are

31:47

confronted in a situation. Okay, because, because

31:51

it's deflected, because it's it's

31:55

just lacking accountability. If you get busted,

31:57

you take it up the ass, okay,

31:59

like jet does when Pookie straps

32:01

one on. She goes to Subway. She

32:04

gets a fucking $1 churro.

32:06

She puts it in

32:08

her leather skinny jeans and then she pegs jet

32:11

until he's, you know, crying into

32:14

his espresso fucking martini. So

32:16

what does dumb fuck Monica do? No

32:18

accountability. She forward pedals

32:21

by way of burn book

32:23

and it's not even a

32:25

forward pedal. Forward pedaling is

32:27

taking accountability. Backpedaling is the

32:29

burn book and she awkwardly

32:31

like delivers it. She thinks

32:33

that she is having her

32:35

iconic Kenya more fan megaphone

32:37

moment. Danielle Staub, you know,

32:39

with the wig at the

32:41

reunion, Aviva Drescher with the

32:43

leg, I could go on

32:45

and on and on and on

32:47

Ramona singer falling asleep at the

32:50

reunion. These are iconic moments. Okay.

32:52

When Kelly Ben Simone longingly delivers

32:55

her weird analogy about the grass

32:57

isn't always greener. It doesn't matter

32:59

how much fertilizer you have. These

33:02

are iconic moments. Okay. Because they

33:04

are true. They are demented. They

33:07

are delusional. They are delicious. Monica's

33:09

hyper contrived nature does

33:11

it just falls flat at every

33:13

fucking twist and turn. So

33:16

she proceeds to get out this mean

33:18

girls inspired burn book. The first page is

33:20

like something about Andy Cohen, which is like,

33:23

you really are some type of a

33:25

dumb fuck here. Here we go. Let's

33:28

insult the boss. Strike one. Now let's

33:30

like, you know, make weird, innuendo jokes

33:32

about the other cast members. Like you're

33:34

not in on the joke. You are

33:37

the joke. This is it was

33:40

honestly, and I'm not being

33:42

dramatic, maybe the most embarrassed I've

33:44

ever been watching television. Okay. And

33:46

I've got some home videos that

33:50

could put me in the grave if I watch them in

33:52

their entirety stone cult sober. This

33:54

is the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen

33:56

at a Real Housewives reunion. It was cringe

33:59

on a cracker broken

34:01

on a brioche sad

34:04

on a What

34:09

a sardine what's another type of cracker

34:11

sad on a Sad

34:15

on a saltine God god,

34:18

I love an alliteration. Anyways, it

34:20

was just it was like somebody come out with

34:22

a violin play this bitch off It was like

34:24

at the fucking Oscars We need some music and

34:26

the curtains needed to close the lights needed to

34:28

dim and she needed to peel her ass out

34:30

of that Fucking turquoise one-shoulder gown. It was it

34:33

was devastating to watch. I literally felt sorry

34:35

for her. I'm like, oh, ah Yikes,

34:39

it's it's not it's moronic

34:41

not iconic Oh

34:43

my god And then when Angie

34:46

said something about it being

34:48

lowbrow and this whole situation being lowbrow

34:50

and she goes did you just call

34:52

me brown? Low brown. I'm

34:54

like bitch. It's lowbrow. It's like a

34:56

commonly used thing now You're gonna make

34:58

this a racial thing brown. You're calling

35:01

me brown real nice Wow And then

35:03

when Heather gay goes, you know when

35:05

shit like this happens It

35:07

it deters women of a certain caliber

35:09

from wanting to be on this show

35:11

and honestly, that's the fucking truth We

35:14

want to see bitches with private planes

35:16

dripping and diamonds going in exotic locations

35:18

Screaming out each other for sport light

35:20

fluffy sport. Okay, nothing too heavy too

35:22

deep but you know or let's

35:25

not even talk about caliber like in Financial

35:28

constructs because that's disgusting. I'm sorry. That

35:30

was just me being a gross person

35:32

But let's talk about women who are

35:34

super interesting You

35:37

know like a Jenna Lyons type is a

35:39

perfect example. I want to know

35:41

more about Jenna Lyons Okay, I want to see

35:43

her fucking kitchen again. Okay. Is it a brush

35:45

brass? Is it a raw brass? How does she

35:48

keep it so beautifully patina? I'll

35:50

never fucking know because she's probably not

35:52

gonna come back because the Real Housewives

35:55

Franchise is tarnished by rats like Monica.

35:57

That's what Heather Gay was trying to

35:59

say Are you saying I'm

36:01

not of caliber? That's exactly correct,

36:04

Monica. Let that sting. Let

36:06

that fucking sit and sting. It has

36:08

nothing to do with your

36:11

position in life, you

36:13

know, economic status.

36:15

It has nothing to do with

36:17

that. It's the fact that you

36:19

ran a fucking troll account. It's

36:22

low brow. Monica's

36:25

priorities as a human, in my

36:27

personal opinion, are

36:29

just uninteresting, uninspiring, and

36:32

shouldn't be celebrated

36:34

on television. The fact that she's like

36:36

parked outside of Jen Shaw's house, like trying to catch

36:38

her drinking and driving and like, the

36:41

FBI told me, like, are you

36:43

a secret agent? No, you're, you're

36:45

trying to hurt people for fun.

36:48

Okay. And it's all fun

36:50

and games. Listen, I love a little lighthearted shit

36:52

talk, little, you know, diet

36:54

cyber bullying. It's good for the soul. It

36:57

builds character and charisma and it ain't

36:59

that fucking deep. But the

37:01

length that she's gone to is. Rot

37:05

vibes, feral, rat vibes. I

37:08

went to Louis Vuitton to buy a handbag

37:11

because I wanted to fit in. Wait,

37:14

wait, wait. On

37:19

March 5th, I'm

37:21

going to be in Paris and I am

37:23

going to be Monica Garcia. Okay. I

37:25

just went to Louis Vuitton to buy a bag because

37:27

I wanted to fit in. I don't

37:29

even know how I'm going to enter this story. So we're

37:32

just going to go for it. When

37:34

I booked my solo trip to Paris,

37:37

me and Pookie, by the way, I was looking

37:40

at all of Pookie's Paris recommendations,

37:42

like Pookie's favorite spots, all of

37:44

Pookie's favorite hotspots and like, you

37:46

know, lunches and like activities. I

37:49

am Pookie and Pookie is me. When Pookie

37:51

goes to Paris, it is identical to when

37:53

Jackie goes to Paris. Okay. All

37:56

of her places are my fucking places. So I really

37:58

have to reevaluate all of my life decisions. moving

38:00

forward. Pookie got a bargain. Okay.

38:08

When I was planning my trip, I had

38:10

to go those dates because

38:13

it just worked out best for Andrew and

38:15

I. This month is a little crazy. Andrew's

38:17

big 36th birthday is coming up.

38:20

The Grammys are next week. So

38:22

I have to go play trophy

38:24

wife and sit in rooms full

38:26

of people that don't acknowledge me

38:28

as a fucking pop star, which

38:30

is atrocious, disgusting and disrespectful. I

38:33

wish you could see me

38:35

navigate these Grammy parties. Okay, because it

38:39

is so niche. It's for us.

38:41

It's for the girls. And just looking at

38:43

me like, Oh God, here she goes. I

38:46

interject in every fucking conversation. And I'm

38:48

like, I'm a pop star. They're

38:50

like, Oh, hi. And I'm like, did you know that I was

38:52

number one on iTunes and never 23 on

38:54

billboard? Did you know that I'm an artist?

38:56

Andrew didn't write me a Hanukkah song this

38:58

year, but I'm looking for a new producer

39:00

is Phineas here is Mark Ronson here is

39:02

Jack Antonoff here. I've got a Hanukkah pop

39:04

that needs a producer. I mean, I am

39:07

just I don't give a fuck. Okay, I

39:09

don't need to schmooze. I don't need to

39:11

suck any dicks. I'm just there for the

39:13

free drinks and to tell at minimum 135

39:15

people that I'm a

39:17

pop star. Okay. That's

39:19

my agenda. That's my mission. I hit

39:21

it hard. I do a loop. I'm there for an

39:23

hour. I go night night, take my night quill and

39:25

then just laugh about it the next morning. The

39:28

music industry is fucking wild. Okay, because you

39:30

got somebody that had one hit in

39:32

2017 in a Givenchy

39:34

fucking tracksuit. Okay, that lives in

39:37

a studio print room with 18

39:39

roommates in North Hollywood walking around

39:41

like they're fucking Quincy Jones. And

39:44

it is hard, hard to

39:47

metabolize but fun, fun to watch.

39:50

So anyways, going to Paris in March,

39:52

okay, these were the only dates worked

39:54

out whatever. And when I was booking

39:56

it, I'm like, why the fuck is

39:58

this shit so expensive? like, why

40:01

were the flights and the

40:03

hotels? And everything is like

40:05

astronomically expensive at this particular

40:07

window of time. So

40:09

I start Googling and I'm like, of course.

40:12

This is the second time I've

40:14

accidentally booked a trip to Paris during

40:16

fashion week. And nothing makes

40:19

a new teen mom, you

40:21

know, carrying a little extra in the midsection

40:24

feel worse than high-tailing it to Paris

40:26

during fucking fashion week. Well, everyone is

40:28

just like smoking cigarettes and you can't

40:30

get a table anywhere. And

40:33

it's just, you know, it's a scene. And

40:35

I really go there just to kind of

40:37

like drink and eat

40:39

and solitude and like feel cute

40:41

in a coat and, you know,

40:43

buy a purse and go

40:46

to bed at 9 p.m. I don't know

40:48

and have a fucking baked potato with

40:50

caviar on it and just listen to

40:52

people's conversations. So fashion week,

40:54

it's a whole thing, you know? It's

40:56

like the energy in the city changes.

40:58

It's super fun. But like, you know,

41:00

now I'm like, oh my God, I gotta like strategize

41:03

some motherfucking outfits. You know what I mean? I gotta

41:05

pull together some lukes and

41:07

I need to get a shape worm. Obviously,

41:11

I'll be looking fresh and funky

41:13

next month in Paris, but more

41:15

importantly, my undergarments need to set

41:17

the foundation so that I could

41:19

be trapping through the streets of

41:21

Paris looking hot and

41:24

snatched, which is why I love

41:26

Harper Wild. It

41:28

is very difficult for me to

41:30

find bras, okay? I need something

41:33

that's cute, but like breathable, that's

41:35

supportive, that's comfortable, supportive

41:38

with or without wire. Also,

41:41

very, very perplexed by a Uniboom

41:44

situation. Harper Wild has the cutest,

41:46

most comfortable bras. You've probably seen

41:48

them all over Instagram. They're

41:51

super high quality. They're so comfortable.

41:53

They're fairly priced. They've got

41:55

cute bras, underwear, PJs. They have very cool

41:57

like color combinations. They have this like... mesh

42:00

bralette that's like neon underneath with like

42:02

orange-ish straps. So if they show, it's

42:05

kind of cute, kind of sexy. The

42:09

mesh triangle bralette is so, so

42:11

cute. Also the unlined t-shirt bra,

42:13

even if you have big boobs,

42:16

is super supportive and very, very

42:18

comfortable. I like all

42:20

the scoop bralettes. The

42:22

tank tops are great. The Pima

42:24

shorts for sleeping, also

42:27

comfortable, so breathable, and just

42:29

really great colors and quality

42:31

and all of the things.

42:35

I am giving you 15% off. All

42:37

you have to do is

42:39

go to harperwild.com/Bible, that is

42:42

spelled H-A-R-P-E-R, w-i-l-d-e.com/Bible.

42:49

Use my code Bible for 15% off and enjoy. Just

42:54

like a random thought of the day, how

42:56

annoying are people that call cucumber cukes? Like,

42:59

unless it's ironic, why do you do that?

43:01

It's just called a cucumber. Cukes, got

43:04

a couple of cukes. Oh, we got

43:06

some nice cukes. I was at the farmer's market

43:08

this morning. Can you tell also these viral TikTok

43:10

salads? Like, I love a

43:12

chop, okay? I like a chopped salad. I

43:15

like a fine chop, but the chopped

43:17

salad trend, sweeping the TikToks, also I'm like

43:19

six years old to this party, but whatever.

43:22

Like, I don't want a chimichurri

43:25

salad. It's giving pesto, it's giving chimichurri,

43:27

it's giving tapenade. Like, we need a

43:29

little bit of structure in the salad.

43:31

It's like, you don't need to chop

43:34

the arugula to a micro speck of

43:36

lettuce. It's weird. Then it's also bad

43:38

for the teeth. It's getting stuck in

43:40

the crevices. It's a choking hazard. I

43:43

don't like it. Like, let

43:45

the lettuce fucking live. Why don't

43:47

you just throw everything in a fucking blender?

43:49

It's like drinking a chunky green smoothie. I

43:51

don't like it. Stop doing

43:54

it. Like, enough. It's enough.

43:56

And then we fine chop that. Like, you're gonna

43:58

get carpal tunnel. You're

44:01

eating a chimmy cherry god. I love

44:03

chimmy tree. Okay back to me being

44:05

fabulous. Okay, so Okay,

44:10

so I get on Instagram last week once

44:13

I realized that I'm gonna be in Paris during fashion

44:15

week Okay, and like half joking

44:17

cuz you know, I am fashion I

44:20

was like, who do I have to fuck to

44:22

go to a goddamn fashion show like can peasants

44:24

buy tickets to fashion shows? I

44:26

you know, I'm a pretty good. I'm

44:29

like a moderately

44:32

good customer for certain designers, you

44:35

know and Being

44:37

that I'm a fiscally irresponsible icon

44:42

So like couldn't I just I'll stand at

44:44

the very back like it just want to

44:46

go I want to see what it's all

44:48

about. I want to see the clothes But

44:50

then also like if they're outdoors I just

44:52

was thinking about this and

44:54

I can't ask because I'm barely fucking

44:56

there and breathtaking But like

44:58

if any of these shows are outside, I mean

45:01

granted I'm not going to shows I'm

45:03

maybe going to one show singular and I

45:05

will be in a utility closet Just fucking

45:07

barely like would maybe like a free gift

45:10

with purchase hair clip But

45:13

if it's outdoors and there are

45:15

pigeons I simply cannot go like I

45:17

simply cannot go and I'm not even

45:19

joking I can't go so

45:22

I'm gonna have to work out like the logistics and

45:24

location and all of that Long

45:26

story short I go on Instagram and like who do I have to fuck

45:28

to get it? Just like a ticket

45:30

I'll work the back. I'll serve fucking water

45:32

like I'll mop the runway like I just

45:35

want to go I'm gonna be in Paris

45:37

like what a bucket list Okay thing to

45:39

just go and do and see and like

45:41

live a life for an afternoon so

45:45

friend of the show friend of Pookie

45:47

and future

45:50

Oscar winner for her best actress role in

45:52

poor things in my personal opinion which also we

45:55

have to talk about the Margot Robbie Greta

45:57

Gerwig thing because that's really like popping off

45:59

and like finger on the pulse, got

46:01

to touch it, got to talk about it,

46:03

because I'm just so up to speed with

46:05

things. She texts me and she goes,

46:07

Hey, do you

46:09

would you want to go to the Louis Vuitton

46:11

show? Are you there this date? And I'm like,

46:13

this is my Make a

46:16

Wish foundation moment. Okay, like this is

46:19

full Make a Wish. Okay. Attendance

46:22

by proxy to a Louis

46:24

Vuitton fashion show in Paris,

46:27

just because I'm friends with Emma Stone.

46:29

And that's it. There are zero qualifications.

46:31

You can tell so she put me

46:33

in touch. I probably shouldn't be talking

46:35

about this, but it is really, really funny. And also, it has

46:37

like a 5050 shot of even

46:39

happening. Okay, so she puts me in

46:41

contact with the

46:43

head of, you know, client

46:46

PR, whatever, like, fucking

46:49

top top tier position at Louis Vuitton.

46:51

Okay, she sends me the contact information.

46:53

She's like, give, I'll call her, let's

46:55

call her Mindy. Give Mindy a call.

46:57

She's expecting you. She'll give you all

47:00

the details. You know, you're

47:02

welcome. And I'm like, Oh my

47:04

god, like now, now this is

47:06

entering Shnora star fucker energy. Now

47:08

I'm that sad, broken

47:11

plebeian, who's just succubus

47:13

like sucking at the

47:15

teat of relevancy via,

47:18

you know, my cool fucking

47:20

famous friend who like is a

47:22

brand ambassador. Okay, so this is

47:25

now I'm like, so ill qualified

47:27

to be there. But she is

47:29

a gem and a

47:31

philanthropist, quite frankly. So

47:34

she sends the contact information to me at

47:36

like 930 Pacific time.

47:38

The number is a New York

47:41

number. When she sends it

47:43

to me, I'm about a martini and a

47:45

half deep at this point. Okay, and I'm

47:47

like filming up the mouth and I'm like,

47:49

I am fashion. We're going to Louis Vuitton.

47:51

And they do have really cute tiger shorts

47:53

in the ready to wear collection this year

47:55

that are you know, $85,000 but they are

47:57

the exact fabric of all of my chosen

47:59

houses. Alemonder tiger upholstery that I get

48:01

pillows made I've reupholstered like some, you know

48:03

vintage benches all of the things So I'm

48:05

like, oh my god, like should I buy

48:08

these? No, of course not. Of course not

48:10

but like baby So

48:13

she sends me the contact information and I'm like, you

48:16

know spinning like oh

48:18

my god, it's all happening Sheena

48:20

Shay, we've gone fashion. We've gone

48:22

a list. Okay, I Accidentally

48:25

when I went to go save her

48:28

number called her which is like

48:31

past midnight on like

48:33

a fucking Just

48:35

like the least cool thing you

48:38

could do and then I'm like I

48:40

text an apology This girl is like

48:42

god fucking damn it now. I got

48:44

a finagle this dumb z-list

48:47

podcast bitch a fucking folding

48:49

chair in the back back

48:52

row by the Air-conditioning unit,

48:55

you know And now she's calling

48:57

me at fucking midnight. So then I text an

48:59

apology. I'm like, hey, oh my god So sorry

49:01

didn't need to call you Gonna

49:03

burn my house down with me inside it like

49:06

clutching my Louis Vuitton luggage Anyways got

49:08

your info from em and

49:10

I'm gonna be in Paris, you know March

49:12

Whatever so I'm totally available to attend the

49:14

show if you'll have me if not totally

49:17

no worries like I get it I don't deserve

49:19

to be there next like we're talking like two

49:21

paragraphs so fucking embarrassing and like k night night

49:24

So I go to bed Next

49:26

morning. No response. So I'm like, hey, it's Jackie

49:28

Schimel. By the way, like kill me Shut

49:31

up abort stop red

49:34

light put your phone down Change

49:37

your number. What are you doing? Like stop

49:39

harassing this poor girl. It's a fucking Saturday

49:41

night She doesn't want to deal

49:43

with your ass. Oh god, it's so embarrassing. So

49:46

then I sent another text Four

49:49

days later cuz I was like,

49:51

yeah, I'll be there that date. I'm available and then

49:54

there was like nothing and that I texted Again, I'm like, by

49:56

the way Do not

49:58

feel obligated like I'm totally I

50:00

understand like I wanted to

50:02

politely in a non abrasive way

50:04

be like I understand that in

50:07

no universe Do I

50:09

belong at this fashion show? Like I

50:11

just I needed this Mindy

50:13

to understand that I very much so

50:15

understand and I do not take myself

50:17

that seriously that I think that I

50:19

am in a position to

50:22

be like attendee of

50:24

a fashion show in fucking Paris like I'm

50:26

a loser Can

50:30

you imagine if I texted her

50:32

my measurements? Like

50:35

hey, girlie, it's me again Um,

50:38

i'm feeling a little dusty and i'll probably be fluctuating

50:40

because it's at the tail end of my trip But

50:43

i'm thinking something like snatch like I said like a

50:46

mood board Can you imagine? Meanwhile

50:49

i'm on like fucking vestier in the

50:51

real real looking for like discounted

50:56

Luke That's

50:59

so embarrassing Oh,

51:03

I really do make myself laugh Oh,

51:06

it's so good. So good.

51:09

Can you imagine me taking myself like very seriously?

51:11

I'm like, hey guys Looking for

51:13

glam and Paris like I just

51:15

can't make the back row Oh

51:23

god sitting right next to annal wentor

51:25

which by the way, can I just say I

51:28

saw a picture of anna winter's office Um

51:31

a couple days ago and it shook me To

51:34

my court like I have lost

51:36

hours of sleep Thinking about

51:38

anna wintour's office like i've always kind

51:40

of imagined like, you know

51:42

A quintessential meryl streep devil wears

51:45

prada office with like, you know

51:47

shades of a crew I

51:50

can't imagine her having boucle at this point. It's

51:52

kind of been done I mean i'm a boucle

51:54

kind of bitch, but like I just feel like

51:56

she's anna wintour Like i'm thinking like crushed imported

51:59

velvets house of scalamondar, like

52:01

all black and white

52:03

photos, like very chic,

52:05

monofloral arrangements, no

52:07

filler flowers, obviously, like a,

52:09

like a cascading, long

52:11

stemmed calla lily in an oversized

52:13

base. That's like what I'm thinking.

52:17

Her fucking office chairs. Okay.

52:19

You have to Google this because nothing

52:21

makes sense anymore. Like I am baffled.

52:25

Okay. And it's,

52:27

it's, it's like a

52:29

joke. It's like concerning, but also

52:32

like maybe she's so ahead of

52:34

the curve that, that we're all

52:36

missing it. But honestly, the chairs

52:38

in Anna Wintour's office are

52:41

giving, this is a very specific

52:43

reference. It's giving like a central

52:45

coast, Northern California barbecue

52:48

chain restaurant known

52:51

for their tri-tip sandwich.

52:53

It is tri-tip mesquite

52:55

tri-tip sandwich on a

52:57

buttered baguette energy, a

53:00

tri-tip Sandy. It

53:02

is a hot bag in

53:05

a red basket with like

53:07

kitschy checkered liner paper. That's

53:10

what the stools look like. They're not stools,

53:12

they're chairs, but they're like a rustic,

53:16

like a farmhouse iron

53:19

chair. I don't understand.

53:21

It looks like they belong at

53:24

a long rustic off-brand pottery barn

53:26

table with a bench and a

53:28

linear shandy. I've imagined

53:31

me rolling up to the Louis Vuitton

53:33

fashion show with like

53:35

a rental outfit. Okay. And me

53:37

getting out of like my fucking UberX

53:39

going, comma, comma, comma. Nobody's looking

53:41

in my direction. Like

53:44

this is stupid. Comma,

53:46

comma, comma. I cannot take photos with

53:48

you all, but I want to give

53:51

you something. So I'm going to give

53:53

you a little wave. Comma,

53:55

comma, comma. What's French for

53:58

calm? I googled. that

54:00

it's kyum, kyum, kyum,

54:03

kop, see a couple more kyums and it's gonna

54:05

go straight to fucking Asia so I'm just gonna

54:07

nip that in the goddamn bud. Kyum,

54:10

kyum, kyum, kyum, I'm

54:12

just gonna stick with kyum, kyum,

54:14

kyum, I'm gonna

54:17

give you a little wave. By the way

54:19

everyone's like wow way to make

54:21

fun of someone enforcing boundaries like okay like

54:24

why do you make everything not funny? And

54:27

like it's not that big of

54:29

a fucking deal. I am a boundary queen

54:31

okay. I'm celebrating Anne Hathaway by the way.

54:34

All of like everything she does

54:37

I'm obsessed with. I

54:39

am lowkey making fun of her and like do I want to

54:41

go to brunch with her? Absolutely not

54:43

but I do think that she is

54:45

a fucking legend okay. Pookie and

54:47

Anne Hathaway would take a bullet for

54:49

both of them. The level of entertainment

54:51

like I 100% think that

54:54

celebrities have the 1000% right to

54:56

be like

54:58

bitch I'm not taking fucking pictures

55:00

okay. I respect it, I endorse

55:02

it, I enforce it quite frankly

55:05

but just it's

55:07

funny listen if it

55:09

plays it plays and it fucking plays

55:11

kyum, kyum, kyum. Me

55:14

like standing on the curb waiting for a fucking uber

55:16

x which by the way I would never not near

55:18

up we don't do that. Listen, listen

55:21

to Aunt Jackie, listen to Pookie

55:23

don't do it. It's not worth

55:26

it get a car service okay. You

55:28

don't want to get fucking taken, comma,

55:30

comma, comma. Just back up also

55:32

in America just do it. Just

55:34

bring for it or fucking drive yourself okay.

55:37

Put down the sauce and drive yourself. We're

55:39

not doing that people are getting abducted. I

55:41

don't trust it. It feels sketchy and I

55:43

just don't want that for my girlies. I

55:45

would say take public transportation

55:48

before doing that. It

55:50

just doesn't it just doesn't work. Me

55:53

at every single fucking restaurant in Paris during Fashion

55:55

Week like not being able to get a prime

55:57

table basically like sitting next to the

55:59

downstairs. Kama, Kama, Kama.

56:03

I want to give you something. I cannot take

56:05

photos. I'm going to give you a little wave.

56:08

I'm going to get drunk and say that to 17

56:10

people. Kama, Kama,

56:12

Kama. No photos, no

56:15

photos. What a fucking star. Give

56:19

a side shot. It

56:23

just gets better and better every single week. I got to

56:25

tell you like a fine motherfucking wine.

56:27

From France. Five stars

56:30

on iTunes, five stars on Spotify. And

56:33

I will talk to you next week. Have a great

56:36

day.