0:01

The following podcast is a dear media

0:03

production. Hi,

0:06

everybody. Ah,

0:09

think I'll. Okay, I

0:12

won't. I

0:18

promise I'm not going to

0:20

do it anymore. I've

0:24

been on a loop since about a week

0:27

ago. Andrew's ready to divorce me. Ah,

0:30

how's everyone doing? I'm hanging on by

0:32

a thread. My baby

0:34

is teething and he is

0:36

a fucking monster.

0:39

Okay, he is Lucifer.

0:41

He is Saddam Hussein.

0:44

He is a full blown

0:46

the leader of ISIS and

0:49

Como se dice or finnage

0:51

Como se dice regret. I looked at

0:54

Andrew and I'm like, I don't, I've

0:56

got to go. I've got to

0:58

leave the house. I don't know what to do with him. The

1:01

thing is the tooth has hath

1:03

not broken through. He is

1:05

just so, so fussy.

1:08

Like can't get comfortable

1:10

screaming, crying, won't eat,

1:12

won't sleep, tired,

1:14

overtired, not tired, won't sleep,

1:17

needs to sleep, won't eat,

1:19

starving. Like it's

1:21

all the things. And then on top

1:23

of everything else, my

1:25

grandma Gloria has

1:27

a cold so

1:29

the earth is standing still.

1:32

She calls me yesterday. Clyde

1:34

is screaming his fucking head off in

1:37

the car. She can't hear anything. All

1:39

she has, like her phone has the

1:41

closed captioning. So, you know, the world

1:43

could be, bombs could be

1:45

dropping. Children could be crying.

1:47

Gloria, he is nothing. She just

1:49

reads a little template and

1:51

she calls, she goes, I'm

1:54

like, grandma, are you okay? Chick.

1:57

This is by the way, at like 6 PM,

1:59

okay? Chick. On a Saturday. Are

2:02

you going to the store?

2:04

I said what what

2:06

kind of store Oh Jack

2:10

I Hate to be a bother famous

2:12

last fucking words every time I

2:15

hate to be a bother Do you because

2:17

you do it quite effortlessly? But

2:20

it I wanted to see

2:22

if you go into the store What's

2:26

your the store Jack

2:28

what fucking store meanwhile in the

2:30

background? Clyde screaming

2:32

his goddamn head off levitating Said

2:35

grandma the problem is to that after I

2:38

speak There is about a 30-second

2:40

delay in which the phone has to

2:42

transcribe what I'm saying to her So

2:44

the child is screaming and then I

2:46

have to wait for a response. So,

2:48

you know, I'm a bullet points bitch

2:50

So our conversations are half speed on

2:52

a good day. It's like whatever all

2:55

she would need to say is yo

2:57

bitch I need chicken noodle soup Thanks,

2:59

and I'd say K by and then

3:01

we'd hang up and that's the only

3:03

transaction that needs to happen on

3:05

this phone You know

3:08

charade platform close captioning

3:10

Like I don't have the bandwidth to have

3:12

an 18-minute conversation on the back and forth

3:14

of where I'm what store alleged store I'm

3:16

going to because she wants soup, but she

3:18

doesn't want to ask for soup So she

3:20

needs me to insist on getting her the

3:22

soup, but then she's gonna make you know

3:26

Substitutions on the soup and then it's

3:28

like I mean I spent more time

3:30

getting a fucking soup order Then I

3:32

did caring to my teething child Jake

3:35

are you going to the store? No,

3:38

but I will what do you need?

3:40

Well, if you're not going 30 seconds

3:42

like grandma What do you need? I

3:45

don't want to be a bother you are bothering me

3:47

What do you need? Oh, it's

3:49

okay. I don't need to eat

3:51

anything. What do you want bitch?

3:53

What do you want? Oh? I

3:57

oh I love I

4:00

love crap-lok, but it's

4:02

too salty, Jack. What do you

4:04

want? I, you

4:06

know, I love a minestrone, but

4:09

my stomach- What do you

4:11

want? I like marzipan

4:13

soup, but I hate chicken. Could

4:16

they make it without chicken? What

4:19

do you want? What do you fucking

4:21

want? I don't like

4:23

bread, Jack. I feel like it's

4:26

gone downhill. I like

4:28

the local deli, but I don't

4:30

like the bagel chips. I like

4:32

the bagel chips from the valley

4:34

deli. Okay, what do you want?

4:36

What do you want? What do you want? And

4:39

I'm like, okay, I am going to drive

4:42

into oncoming traffic. Thank you very much. So

4:45

after 47 minutes, Jack,

4:48

make sure the soup is hot. I swear to God, she

4:50

calls me back, she goes, will you

4:52

tell them to make sure the soup is

4:54

hot? It's not a

4:56

fucking gazpacho. You have a microwave.

4:58

What am I- What? Okay,

5:01

this is why I drink. Anyways,

5:03

so that's where I'm at emotionally.

5:05

Thank you so much for listening.

5:08

Suck! I can't. I

5:11

want to get a shovel, okay? I

5:13

want to roll up to her house.

5:15

I want to shove a matzo ball

5:17

down her throat. I don't want to

5:19

clobber at the goddamn brittle knees. I

5:21

love her so much. I really do,

5:23

but- Jack! I hate to be

5:25

a bother. Listen! She called me- I

5:27

don't think I even talked about it because

5:29

I blocked it out. During the holidays,

5:32

she calls me on Christmas Eve. Okay. And

5:34

she goes, Jack! Could

5:38

you- Are you going to the store? It's always

5:41

an- Are you- No, bitch. It's fucking Christmas

5:43

Eve. It's 4 p.m. Jack!

5:45

Are you going to the

5:48

store? What store? Do

5:50

you need food? No, Jack. I need

5:52

to go to that store next to

5:54

the restaurant. I- I fuck you not.

5:57

Which restaurant? The restaurant we go

5:59

to. We've been to

6:01

a million restaurants, you know,

6:03

the Star Jack. What fucking

6:05

sir? I need to pick

6:07

up a gift. The niches,

6:09

parents. I'm going there for

6:11

Christmas dinner, Jack. I

6:13

want to get what did she say? She wanted

6:15

to get them a trip. What

6:18

did she? Oh, my God. What was it? It was

6:20

like the most painfully specific. I

6:22

want to get them. Oh, it was

6:24

like a crystal tray. I want to

6:26

get them a crystal tray, Jack. OK,

6:29

well, it's 4 p.m. on Christmas

6:31

Eve. It's a bit of a crunch time. I

6:34

said, Grandma, I have a beautiful bottle of wine. I'll drop

6:36

it off at your doorstep. You can bring that to the

6:38

dinner. I brought a bottle

6:40

of wine last year, Jack. I

6:42

can't do that two years in a

6:45

row. I got to go to the

6:47

store. I'm like, I just I

6:50

have an infant. I can't. You

6:52

can't call me on Christmas Eve

6:54

an hour before and

6:56

send me on a one woman mission to find you

6:58

a crystal tray. What

7:01

what what crystal tray? You want me

7:03

to high tail it to Gary's and

7:05

Beverly Hills at 4 p.m. on fucking

7:07

Christmas Eve. Hey, sorry, Andrew. Sorry, Clyde.

7:09

I have to go drive an hour

7:11

to go pick up an elusive crystal

7:13

tray at a store that's not fucking

7:15

open because Gloria doesn't want to bring

7:17

be a repeat offender of bringing a

7:20

cheap bottle of fucking wine. I've

7:22

had a very busy week. OK, I'm tending to

7:24

the elderly. I'm tending to the teething. Max

7:27

and I are redesigning his living

7:29

room. OK, he was FaceTiming yesterday.

7:31

We're going for like a postmodern

7:34

coke den gentleman's like

7:36

English library. If

7:38

you get it, you get it. If you don't, you don't.

7:42

So we were strategizing. And, you know, he

7:44

has a lot of lamps. OK, and he

7:46

had two chairs with three fucking side tables

7:48

and three fucking lamps. And I said to

7:51

him, I go, Max, there's

7:53

too many fucking lamps on that side. The room like,

7:55

what are you doing? What are you running from? Why

7:57

are there three fucking lamps in?

8:00

you know, a foot of your living room and he goes,

8:03

ah, think I like this little lamp. And

8:06

that's why we're best friends. Ah,

8:08

think I won't. I'm so sorry.

8:10

I'm so sorry. Trying to explain,

8:13

ah, think I like this little lamp

8:15

to someone who's not on the internet, AKA

8:17

my husband. I'm like, no, it's like ironic

8:19

because like these people are just doing really

8:21

sad tasks, but they're glamorizing it because

8:24

they're so inherently bored, mediocre and broken that

8:26

they think if they put an audio track

8:28

over it to make it seem like, you

8:31

know, whimsical and romantic and wholesome

8:33

and fulfilling that they're not gonna

8:36

cry themselves to sleep. Ah,

8:38

think I like this little lamp. Like you're washing

8:41

your hair, congratulations. Ah, think, I'm so sorry. When

8:43

I get on a loop, you know how I

8:45

get, we're never talking about again. Andrew's like, I

8:47

don't get it. Songs

8:50

for the broken, obviously. Ah, think I like this

8:52

little life. And also if you're still doing that's

8:54

the only one sale, but Jules, when I walk

8:56

in the room, I can still make the whole

8:58

place shimmer. Like

9:01

you've never made any room shimmer.

9:03

You couldn't be more

9:06

matte, okay? M-A-T-T-E. I

9:08

can still make the whole place shimmer. I saw like

9:10

five of those this week and I was like, wow,

9:13

resurrection for Bajouled, but I think we're done with that.

9:15

It's 2024. No, also another

9:17

thing we're done with in 2024. I'm

9:20

very excited about this, okay? The

9:23

clean girl aesthetic is out. Mobwife

9:26

aesthetic is in. We're

9:28

talking furs, cigarettes, jewelry,

9:30

okay? Sorry, Eucalyptus, girlies,

9:32

you're done. You gotta

9:34

move to the left. We're

9:36

rolling in hot. PETA, go

9:38

fuck yourself. We're wearing long,

9:40

large vintage furs, okay? Lots

9:43

of jewelry, lots of glam. You know what I

9:45

said to Andrew the other day? He went to

9:47

Costco, we needed some paper towels. I said, hey,

9:49

Andy, why don't you get

9:51

some diet fucking sodas, okay? Obviously, you

9:54

know, the world just was quaking in

9:56

their sad little platform, Ugg boots, when

9:58

everyone's like, or

10:00

whatever's in fucking Diet Coke causes cancer. Ya

10:03

duh. Oh wow, that's breaking

10:05

fucking news. Of course, I have not

10:07

had any form of real

10:09

soda like ever in my

10:12

life. I've never really drank soda. But

10:14

now that I'm like, you know, an

10:16

adult with a child, I think it's

10:19

time to start drinking Diet Soda, okay?

10:21

So I made Andrew, high tail at

10:23

Tocasco. I got Diet Coke. I got

10:25

Diet Dr. Pepper. I got Sprite

10:28

Zero, Coke Zero. And I am on

10:30

a one woman journey, okay? Of

10:33

health and wellness and diet sodas. And

10:35

I wanna just listen, go into Paris

10:37

in March. Whoo! I'm getting, maybe I'll

10:40

get real cigarettes this time. Maybe

10:42

I'll just straight up start

10:44

smoking cigarettes. Jackie,

10:48

don't you have a family? It's bad

10:50

for you. I'm not gonna actually start smoking

10:52

fucking cigarettes, okay? Let a girl have goals.

10:56

Can you imagine, like you can't, because

10:58

you're listening to this podcast, but like how

11:00

sad is it that people are just so

11:03

not funny and they have to go through

11:05

their whole life with that shit ass sense

11:07

of humor, taking everything so seriously and being

11:09

just perpetually not in on the joke. Can

11:11

you even fucking imagine? How

11:13

sad, how dismal, how disappointing.

11:16

Jackie, don't fuck cigarettes. They're bad for

11:18

you. You know what's bad

11:20

for you? Everything.

11:23

Because you are looking at

11:25

life through a humorless lens. Humorless.

11:31

Speaking of humor, obviously Clyde

11:33

is teething. We discussed it.

11:35

I have been full blown,

11:37

Dee Dee Blanchard with the

11:39

infant Tylenol. I have

11:41

a syringe in every fucking purse. And

11:43

when that little fucker starts levitating, I

11:46

pop that bitch right, the syringe right

11:48

in the cheek and I'm just squirting

11:50

up. I've been calling him Gypsy and

11:52

I'm Dee Dee. And that

11:54

was one of my Halloween costume ideas,

11:56

but I just felt like it wasn't

11:58

of the times. but I think next year is

12:01

probably, he'll be sturdy

12:03

enough to strap his ass in

12:05

a wheelchair. Jackie! It's

12:08

funny. It's like, it's fucking funny. Relax, I'm

12:10

not actually gonna do it, but I probably will.

12:12

If I have a close friends and family Halloween,

12:14

you know, no cameras. No cameras!

12:17

No cameras! Ah!

12:20

So the aliens are here, also

12:23

exciting intel. In

12:25

Brazil, there was these like seven, eight, 10, I

12:28

don't know, semantics. These

12:31

large creatures spotted on a

12:33

mountain, okay? It later

12:35

came out that maybe it was like

12:37

some basketball player, but let's go with

12:40

the aliens also. I've been on the

12:42

tickety-tock and there was some situation at

12:44

a Palm Beach mall, okay? That warranted

12:46

like 40 policemen,

12:48

okay? And

12:50

the story that they're telling is that like four kids

12:53

got in a fight. I don't know why that would

12:55

warrant so many police men and

12:57

women. Police people,

12:59

if you will. Listen,

13:01

I have a pool woman. Yeah,

13:04

let that sink in. She's inclusive. A

13:07

pool woman. Yeah.

13:10

So the police people rolled up. There's

13:12

no security footage. There's no like, oh,

13:15

these are the kids that were fighting.

13:17

Why are there 800 police people? People

13:21

are saying on the tickety-tock that there were aliens

13:23

and they were at the local mall. And I heard there

13:25

was a Chili's at that mall. So I totally get it

13:28

because if you were an alien, first

13:30

of all, if you really wanted to people watch, you'd

13:32

probably go to fucking Florida. Secondly, if

13:34

you wanted to really have like the all

13:36

American experience, what's better than hitting up a

13:39

sad little mall and going to a fucking Chili's?

13:42

I would do anything for a Chili's. I think

13:44

there's one in Woodland Hills and I might roll

13:46

the fuck through just in

13:49

homage and solidarity to these

13:51

fucking aliens. Half

13:53

of them went hiking in Brazil. Half of them went

13:55

to a Chili's. I think it speaks to the nature

13:58

of human beings. either hiking or

14:00

you're out of fucking chilies. I will obviously

14:02

be in the latter category.

14:05

Here's what I love about chilies. Just, we're

14:07

really, we're spitballing here. The

14:10

tortilla or the cheesy enchilada chicken tortilla,

14:12

enchilada soup. Get out of here. Get

14:15

the fuck out of here. Okay. It

14:17

is so goddamn good. It is so

14:19

thick. It's not even, it's not a

14:21

soup texture. It nature. It's kind of

14:23

more like a, like a top

14:25

and not it's a little chunk chunk, but I

14:27

like, like also the chips are to die for

14:30

the margaritas are to die for the chicken fajitas

14:32

are to die for. I believe

14:34

they have some form of not an

14:36

awesome blossom, but like some

14:38

type of a petaled onion. And you

14:40

know, I love a petaled onion. The night that I

14:43

met Andrew, my husband, I

14:45

went to the Outback Steakhouse with my

14:47

parents. Okay. And I had

14:50

a fucking blooming onion and that gorgeous brown

14:52

bread. As you know, I

14:54

am a formula girly.

14:56

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14:58

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15:02

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15:04

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15:06

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15:10

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Bible. I just had

18:51

this sad epiphany that I've been talking about the

18:53

clean girl aesthetic, but I actually have no idea

18:55

what a clean girl aesthetic is. I

18:57

think I was correlating it to like the

18:59

eucalyptus girly, which is not at all clean

19:01

girl aesthetic. I mean, there is some overlap

19:04

there, but I did a quick little Google

19:06

and I found this like so annoying article

19:09

saying that like clean girl aesthetic is

19:11

over, but it's also problematic. Like, are

19:13

you fucking kidding me? Like, what is

19:15

it? What did

19:18

Kyle Richard say about Carlton? She's looking for

19:20

tits on an ant. So

19:22

clean girl aesthetic is slick

19:25

hair, shiny hair, clean,

19:27

clean skin, minimal makeup,

19:29

but it should look effortless,

19:31

but there is effort attached,

19:33

you know, tiny, tiny tank

19:36

tops. Hello, like clean jeans,

19:38

very Haley Bieber, matcha

19:42

lattes, afternoon

19:44

iced coffees, green smoothies,

19:46

minimalist decor, because

19:49

it like looks good for

19:51

photos, obviously, oversized blazers, nude

19:53

or neutral colored slip dresses.

19:56

It's preppy, not stuffy, stylish, but

19:58

understated, very off. duty supermodel.

20:01

Okay, no makeup, makeup,

20:03

glossy, glossy lips, blushy,

20:05

blushy cheeks, slick, slick

20:07

hair, all of the

20:09

things. Okay. This

20:11

article is saying that the clean

20:14

girl aesthetic is problematic because it

20:16

is classist. It's

20:18

fat phobic, lol.

20:20

It's racist. That

20:22

feels like a stretch. It's ageist. That

20:24

feels like a stretch. It's attainable, unattainable

20:27

for most. Is it that hard to

20:29

just like pop a lip gloss on

20:31

and look like you're not wearing makeup

20:33

and put a tank top

20:35

on? I think it's just boring. I

20:37

think it's problematic in nature because it's

20:39

fucking boring. It's classist. Okay,

20:42

this is like buzzkill.com. Okay,

20:44

here's the takeaway. This is

20:47

by birdie.com. I have to

20:49

give credit. The

20:51

clean girl aesthetic may appear harmless at

20:53

first glance featuring young women with glossy

20:56

hair and skin who look like off-duty

20:58

supermodels, but it worsens the already too

21:00

prevalent problems in our culture of not

21:02

valuing women of color, those who earn

21:04

lower wages. Okay, I kind of get

21:07

that actually. And anyone else who doesn't

21:09

have the look of a skinny, white,

21:11

unblemished ingenue? All

21:16

right, fine. I'm going to co-sign

21:18

on that because I don't want to

21:21

create any issues. Not at the

21:23

top of 2024. I'll wait.

21:25

I'm going to wait until December 2024, and

21:28

then I'll revisit it. But for now, I

21:32

do not co-sign on clean girl

21:34

aesthetic. I never really have. Listen,

21:36

cigarettes, Diet Coke, furs. I

21:39

want to look like I just

21:41

rolled out of a fucking nightclub

21:43

from 1998 on a bender. Okay,

21:46

bender babes. I

21:49

think I like this little bag. Lesbian

21:52

update. Obviously, I'm a pillar

21:54

of the lesbian community. You

21:56

heard it here first. Everybody

21:58

knows that. Basically, Jackie Schimel

22:00

is... synonymous with allyship. And

22:03

I was talking to my sister earlier today

22:05

and she reminded me that when I was

22:07

about, I don't know, seven or eight

22:10

years old, this just shows

22:12

you kind of, you

22:14

know, my childhood, my upbringing, my family

22:16

life, a little too comfortable, a little

22:18

too consistent, some might say. My

22:21

sister asked me, I'll never forget it.

22:23

We were getting ready for school or

22:25

camp or something, softball tournament. And

22:28

my sister looks at me and she

22:30

had a fond liking to this one

22:32

tank top. It was a red bandana

22:34

tank top, little dikey. And she loved

22:36

a long like Bermuda

22:39

denim short. So,

22:41

you know, she was, she was adapting

22:43

to Luke and she was

22:45

probably five years old. Okay.

22:47

And she looked at me, we're getting ready.

22:49

And she goes, Jackie, if

22:51

you could marry any girl, who

22:53

would you marry? And I was

22:56

strictly dickly, even at age eight,

22:58

you know, and I was like, bitch, I'm trying to

23:00

fuck a Hanson brother. I don't know what you're doing.

23:02

And I was like, what do you mean? She's like,

23:04

well, if you had to marry a girl, like, which

23:07

girl would you marry? And I was like,

23:10

I'm going to need to table this convo.

23:13

One second, Ellen DeGeneres. I go

23:15

into my mom's room. I'm like,

23:17

mom, I have to talk to you.

23:19

She's like, what? I said, I think Ashley's

23:21

a lesbian. Like

23:25

full Regina George. And my

23:27

mom's like, what do you mean? Like she's five. What are

23:29

you talking about? I said, mom, she

23:31

loves basketball. She wears boys,

23:34

Bermuda, old Navy denim shorts.

23:37

She loves that bandana fucking tank

23:39

top. And she just asked me

23:41

if I could marry a girl,

23:43

which girl would I fucking marry?

23:45

Also, my sister went through, she's

23:47

going to love this, a

23:49

extreme dry humping phase. So it was all around

23:51

the same time. And I was like, holy shit,

23:54

my sister is a lesbian and I got to be

23:56

the one to break this news to my parents because

23:58

you know, I'm all about

24:00

transparency and inclusion. So I just want to

24:02

give them a heads up that

24:05

little Linda, that's her nickname. I don't know. I've

24:07

called my sister Linda since she was like four

24:09

years old. Linda's a lesbo. I can

24:12

reflect now as a child, I feel like

24:14

I had too much authority in the home.

24:16

Like the fact that I would feel comfortable

24:18

enough to just like go to my mom

24:20

and be like, Hey, your daughter's a lesbian

24:22

and you need to talk to her about

24:24

it and have like a whole PBS special

24:26

when I'm like fucking eight years old is

24:28

iconic. My mom was like, really? I'm like,

24:31

yeah, she humps her fucking

24:33

hand. And now she's talking about marrying

24:35

girls. Also, my sister had this like

24:37

weird phase where she thought she was

24:39

like the next fucking Lisa Leslie. Like

24:42

she was going to be, you know,

24:44

power forward of the WNBA. And she

24:46

always, she romanticizes her basketball career that

24:49

I somehow ruined by professing her lesbianism

24:51

when she was five years old. She,

24:54

she was a six on her

24:56

best day. Okay. By the

24:58

way, when you're fucking five, like you

25:00

want to marry your mom, you want

25:03

to marry your stuffed animals, you want

25:05

to marry it, but you know, Princess

25:07

Leia or whoever's the Prince of Elsa,

25:09

like you have no concept of sexuality.

25:12

Although my sister was a freak elite

25:14

because she was humping her hand. She

25:16

would just lay on the sofa. Actually,

25:18

I'll Venmo you after this. She

25:20

would like lay on the sofa with her

25:23

hands clutch like in prayer position in between

25:25

her legs and just do a very slow

25:27

dry hop. So

25:32

my mom pulls my sister aside and

25:34

she's like, Hey, Ash, box, like, can we

25:37

talk for a second? My sister's like, and

25:40

my mom's like, listen, and I'm

25:43

like, peeking through the doorway, being

25:45

like, you got to handle this bitch. Like

25:47

handle it, handle it. It's an episode of

25:49

Degrassi. She's like, honey, now, you

25:52

know that if you ever,

25:54

you know, had a crush on a

25:57

little girl, or you had feelings

25:59

for, for, girls instead of

26:01

boys, you know, you could

26:03

always tell your mommy and daddy, right? My

26:05

sister's like, what? She's like, you

26:07

know, I just want you to know that whatever

26:11

your sexual preferences

26:13

are, it's not a preference. Okay,

26:15

whatever. Whatever, you know, if

26:17

you like girls, that's totally fine. We

26:20

support you. We love you no matter

26:22

what. You know, it's

26:24

very woke in 1997 to have

26:26

those rainbow conversations with a five-year-old.

26:29

And for that, you know, love

26:31

my mother forever, RIP girl. I

26:34

think it was probably more traumatizing

26:37

than heartwarming.

26:40

But my sister was like so generally confused. And

26:42

then my mom was like, you know what,

26:44

honey? Just forget

26:46

about it. And then she's like, Jacqueline, why did you

26:48

tell me your sister was a lesbian? And I

26:51

was like, I don't know, mom. I'm just

26:53

fucking checking my boxes here. Okay. And

26:55

when I officiated my sister's heterosexual wedding

26:57

back in March, if you think I

27:00

didn't stand up in front of friends

27:02

and family and call my sister a

27:04

closet lesbian seven times in front of

27:07

a rabbi, you're dead fucking wrong. And

27:09

by rabbi, I mean me. I was the rabbi.

27:12

It's me. Hi, I'm the rabbi.

27:14

It's me. I think

27:16

I like this little dog. By

27:20

the way, how stupid are people on the internet?

27:22

I keep reposting these like cringy videos. And

27:24

there's like a there is a portion

27:27

of people that follow me on Instagram that

27:29

are probably like, you know, not

27:31

with the times or technologically savvy and

27:33

they don't understand what a fucking repost

27:35

is. And they're like, wow, Jackie, this

27:37

is cringe. And I'm like, no, no,

27:39

no, Susan, it's not me.

27:44

I'm making fun of people. Why

27:46

can't I even have the flexibility

27:49

to just casually, lightheartedly

27:52

bully strangers on the internet

27:54

without the dialogue, the dumb

27:56

fuck dialogue? It's not me.

28:00

into corner. That's not my

28:02

name. My name's not Cassidy. My

28:04

name's Jackie. I like to bully

28:07

people on the internet. Speaking of bullying people on

28:09

the internet. Ooh, let's talk about

28:11

Monica from the Real Housewives of

28:13

Salt Lake City. That bitch. Okay.

28:16

Last week I touched on it, but

28:18

I hadn't actually seen the finale or

28:20

the reunion. And now I'd like to

28:23

discuss it from a more informed position.

28:25

I also want to make this easily

28:28

digestible for people that don't watch Real

28:30

Housewives. First of all, I feel very

28:32

badly for you. Secondly, you're welcome. I'm

28:34

going to make this applicable to

28:37

all walks of life. The

28:40

toxically cringe nature

28:43

of Monica's desire to be

28:45

relevant, no matter which tacky

28:48

avenue she travels to get

28:50

there speaks to a

28:52

larger issue. Okay. The issue of

28:55

relevancy, the mentality

28:58

of keep talking shit.

29:00

You're making me famous. And

29:02

that deep, deep, dark desire

29:04

for attention in any form

29:06

is honestly so sad,

29:09

so broken and so pathetic.

29:12

The end. I

29:14

implore and encourage anybody listening

29:17

that has even just

29:20

a sliver of that.

29:22

Yeah, whatever. Like at

29:25

least they're talking about me at

29:27

like, at least I'm relevant. Like keep

29:29

talking shit. You're making my famous. You're

29:32

not. It's sad. It's

29:34

desperate. It's fucking

29:37

embarrassing, quite frankly.

29:40

And we need to really deep dive.

29:43

Who hurt you in life, in

29:46

childhood, who didn't hug you as

29:48

a child that has put you

29:50

in a position to scavenge

29:53

like a fucking scum

29:55

sucking rodent just

29:58

for a little taste of the a

30:00

lot. Just a little as you're setting

30:02

up the ring light, okay, take

30:04

pause and ask yourself, why am I

30:06

doing this? Why? For

30:08

what? For who? Look

30:11

within. Monica comparing

30:14

herself to like Gossip Girl,

30:16

and then the photo shoots

30:18

is just like it couldn't

30:21

be less of a cool

30:23

look. Yes, you made

30:25

for great television, but I would go

30:27

on record saying that the reason that

30:29

episode was so stunning and perfect was

30:32

Heather Gay. Okay, Heather Gay,

30:34

I would say her last

30:36

season wasn't the best. This

30:39

season, she came back like

30:41

an inbred rising Phoenix. And I don't

30:44

think she looks inbred. That was just a joke. You

30:46

know, in homage to Mary Cosby, who is

30:49

also a fucking star, talk about doing the

30:51

bare minimum. Okay, Mary Cosby,

30:54

WW, and CD.

30:57

Heather Gay is

30:59

the reason that that

31:02

finale was so groundbreaking

31:04

and delicious. Monica

31:06

is a I went

31:08

to Louis baton and no

31:13

one feels sorry for you. Actually, I

31:15

do feel sorry for you, which is

31:17

kind of like the most insulting thing

31:19

I could say, even before even

31:21

with that whole little rant I just

31:24

did about being broken and tragic and

31:26

pathetic. I literally feel sorry for her

31:28

because there is something objectively

31:32

and just

31:36

psychologically corrupt

31:38

with someone who runs a troll

31:41

account for years, then infiltrates the

31:43

cast whilst pretending to befriend you.

31:45

I would have more respect for

31:48

Monica if she came in guns

31:50

blazing and was just like, fuck

31:52

these bitches. Okay. But the whole

31:55

like her in the wig and

31:57

the blonde wig at Meredith Merck.

32:00

store and just running a

32:02

troll account when you are

32:05

a single mother with children.

32:07

Okay. Like fuck

32:10

off. There's nothing cool

32:12

about it. There's nothing like

32:15

gotcha. Like you're a savant.

32:17

No, you're hardly rain woman.

32:19

Okay. Like you're fucking

32:21

Mark Zuckerberg because you figured out how

32:23

to run a troll account. You

32:26

don't man up. I bully people

32:28

loud and proud from my personal

32:30

Instagram. Okay. Reality of

32:33

on taste. I mean, the

32:35

whole thing makes my asshole

32:37

prolapse embarrassing.

32:40

Speaking of embarrassing, you know that baby doesn't do free

32:42

plugs. And a lot of people ask me where

32:46

I get my art framed and I've got

32:48

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32:50

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32:52

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32:55

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32:57

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33:00

ever gone to like a traditional framing shop,

33:02

it is so outrageously expensive.

33:04

And a lot of times like

33:07

I have found that the frames offered in

33:09

these like overpriced stores are just not with

33:11

the times they're not chic, chic, chic. They're

33:14

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33:16

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33:18

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33:25

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34:46

to framebridge.com. You're

34:48

welcome. Like I

34:51

discussed earlier, I'm going alone

34:53

to pack Lee in March.

34:55

Please don't sex traffic me. I'm a nightmare. Like

34:58

I feel like if anyone was to abduct me

35:02

besides the aliens, because they love this

35:04

bitch, I would

35:06

be returned in about 13 seconds. I don't

35:08

worry about it. I'm annoying and I always

35:10

walk with a purpose fist clench and I'm

35:12

ready to strike. My friend John likes he'll

35:14

like come up in my ear. We were

35:16

in Barcelona and I was walking alone on

35:18

the street, clist, clist, clench

35:21

fists. Okay. Ready to fucking rebel. He

35:23

came like behind my ear and he

35:25

went, yeah. And I literally turned around

35:28

in point oh three seconds, ready

35:30

to punch. And he knew I was ready

35:32

to throw arms and he just hit the

35:34

deck. So if you like roll up on

35:36

me, I, you might get whacked. Um,

35:39

so that's, you know, strike one,

35:41

strike two. I would start going,

35:43

I think I like this little,

35:45

I think I like this little

35:47

name. I think I like this

35:49

little deck and they'd be like, okay, bye.

35:51

Thank you so much. And they just fucking

35:53

chuck and roll me out of their grape

35:55

van. Last night I bought the

35:57

most beautiful Kate, coat

36:00

for 85% off plus I got

36:02

an additional 15% off

36:05

because I downloaded the app. So I basically got

36:07

it for fucking free. I'm going to go to

36:09

Paris. All I want to do is eat,

36:11

pretend to read, smoke my

36:14

fake cigarettes or real cigarettes,

36:16

Dan Martini's and like, that's

36:18

it and just dodge pigeons. Okay. I mean,

36:21

talk about a weight loss journey. I'm going

36:23

to come back so fucking frail

36:25

and gaunt because every time I go to

36:27

Europe, it's not because of food. It's because

36:29

of my increased cardiovascular because I'm

36:32

so petrified roaming the streets with the pigeons

36:34

that like I am in a constant state

36:36

of cardio. Like I'm sweating, like fighting for

36:38

my life, just walking from store to store.

36:40

But now that I'm a mother, I feel

36:42

like my trip is going to look very

36:44

different. Pre-baby, let me tell you, like it's

36:46

not lovely to say, but you know, I

36:48

don't give a fuck anymore. Like we got

36:50

to keep it one hundo. I would go

36:53

to Paris. Okay. And I will never do

36:55

this again. And I'm totally lying to you

36:57

right now because I'm a hundred percent going

36:59

to like sling back a couple

37:01

of glasses of champagne and then go fucking rogue

37:03

and black out. Okay. I'm going to black out

37:05

at Celine. I

37:08

used to go, okay, by myself. And by the

37:10

way, if you're a friend and you're listening to

37:12

this and you're going to try to be like,

37:14

I want to come to Paris with you. You

37:16

can't come. I'm going alone. This is a solo

37:18

trip. Okay. And none of my friends really listen

37:20

to this. So I feel like we're, you know,

37:22

I'm not giving anybody firm dates, but like another

37:25

time this one's for the girls. And by

37:28

girls, I mean me and all the voices

37:30

in my head. I need to go alone.

37:32

I need to sit in a restaurant by

37:34

myself and not speak to a soul for

37:38

what's 72 times 24 for 96 hours.

37:42

Okay. Complete silence. I'm going to

37:44

be like a fucking monk. Hold

37:46

the drapey fabrics. Before

37:48

I had a baby, I went to

37:50

Paris five times in one year, mostly

37:53

by myself, four times with myself, one time with

37:55

Heather, I think. And I would

37:57

go, okay, sling. teenies,

38:00

okay? Wolf creme brulee

38:03

and go shop like the world was ending

38:05

because I thought that it fucking was. When

38:08

I went to Paris after COVID for the

38:10

first time, and maybe it was during COVID,

38:13

somebody was just shedding droplets all

38:17

over the country. And I remember people being

38:19

like, wow Jackie, slow panning during

38:21

a global pandemic. I'm like,

38:23

yeah, bitch, the world is ending.

38:26

Let me mask up and just

38:28

go bankrupt before the aliens take

38:31

me away. Cowboy take

38:33

me away. Is that the

38:35

song? Whatever. I

38:38

would go to fucking Paris, okay?

38:41

And I would roll in broken,

38:43

brittle, and bankrupt. And I would

38:45

just shop. Oh my God.

38:47

If it had a jewel on it, if it

38:49

was pink, if it was leather, if it had

38:51

a feather, not a fuck in the world. Okay.

38:54

Just bleeding my blank

38:57

account. Freudian slip, bleeding

38:59

my bank accounts. Okay. Just

39:02

for fun. And I felt

39:04

alive. I felt fucking

39:06

like it was a drug. Okay.

39:08

I've never dabbled in recreational drugs

39:11

yet. Thinking about it. But

39:14

that's like where I got my fix. I

39:16

would just go off and there was no

39:18

one there to witness all the damage I

39:21

was doing. Filling a

39:23

void. Who knows? What's the purpose?

39:25

I don't know. Excess,

39:28

greed, glutton,

39:31

tacky, non-clear optics.

39:33

I don't give a fuck. It

39:35

was like I was

39:38

an uncaged hyena. Okay.

39:40

Foaming up the mouth. And I was in those stores and

39:42

it was just jerky sticks. Anything I could get my hands

39:45

on. I'll take it. I want it in pink. I want

39:47

it in green. Give me the feathers. I need that. Like

39:49

for nothing. For nothing. And

39:54

now I can look back on

39:56

those moments and be like, what a

39:58

time. What a memory. What a core

40:00

broken memory. Bucket

40:04

hats. I remember I landed

40:06

in Paris and it started to rain

40:08

and I had a fresh blow dry

40:10

and I walked into a store and

40:12

I bought a disgustingly heinous pink designer

40:15

bucket hat. Okay. That

40:18

is about as ugly as a hat

40:20

could ever be. See, ugly as fucking

40:22

hat. It is so embarrassing. But

40:25

I just was like, I need something that

40:27

like protects my hair. I love full day.

40:29

I like loved the unhinged nature of what

40:31

it felt like to be a sad

40:34

individual that would just like go into a

40:36

store and buy an overpriced bucket hat just

40:38

because like, I don't know. It was like

40:40

kind of my rebellious phase. This trip is

40:42

not going to be like that. I am

40:44

a mother. I have

40:46

a child. I need to

40:48

be responsible. LOL. Oh

40:51

my God. Also,

40:53

I watched salt burn this weekend.

40:56

Wowzers. I loved it. It's

40:59

kind of like cruel

41:01

intentions adjacent, but better,

41:04

like more well done and like a little

41:06

more fucked up. I

41:08

get, if you haven't seen it, you have

41:10

to watch it. It's on Amazon prime. Now,

41:12

Jacob Elordi is a fucking snack

41:15

and a half. I

41:17

love a movie that takes place

41:20

like in a 2006, a 2008, what other movie? There

41:25

was another movie I recently watched that took place in

41:27

like the 2000s and just like the

41:30

music is so nostalgic. It's

41:32

such a like a point in time that really

41:34

takes you back. Anytime I

41:36

hear MGMT time to pretend,

41:38

you know, I'm immediately transported

41:41

to like me in front

41:43

of a really sad 12 inch TV,

41:45

like watching The Office for the first

41:47

time. I can

41:50

taste the grenadine and I can

41:52

like smell the vodka out of

41:54

a water bottle. You know what I mean? That's

41:56

what salt burn did for me

41:59

and it's stuck with. me when I first

42:01

finished it, I was like, that wasn't

42:03

that fucked up. Because I was just

42:05

imagining something so much worse, if

42:07

you can imagine. And then like the next day I

42:09

started thinking about it, I was like, well, that was

42:11

fucked up. And then I thought about it for like

42:13

three days after and I was like, whoa, that

42:15

was fucked up. But the music

42:18

was perfect. Roseman Pike, I mean,

42:20

just, just a goddess and an

42:22

icon. It's not around the dance.

42:24

So when he's like dancing to

42:27

that song through the castle, every

42:29

time I hear that song, all I can think about is

42:32

me and Heather McMahon in Paris after we

42:34

cried together at dinner, this was like a

42:36

year and a half ago, we went for

42:38

her birthday, we go to dinner, okay.

42:41

And we're like, you know, three bottles of

42:43

wine in the last night of our

42:45

trip, we are both it's her birthday

42:47

dinner, by the way, hysterically crying at

42:50

a table like with, you know, with

42:52

a candle and a little creme brulee,

42:54

we're like, just like, you know, talking

42:56

about her dead parents and life and

42:58

childhood and like being, you know, but

43:00

it was like happy cries also. And

43:02

then everyone was looking at us like

43:05

these two dumb fuck American girls are

43:07

crying at a dinner table at

43:09

a birthday dinner of all fucking

43:11

things. And then they had this

43:14

DJ outside the restaurant was fucking

43:16

closing. Okay. Heather puts

43:18

on a Bonjour bitches beanie

43:20

that she got from like a kiosk on the side

43:22

of the road of Champs de la vie or whatever.

43:25

And the DJ starts playing. It's

43:27

not our own little dance floor.

43:29

And we went from hysterically crying

43:31

to like moving chairs and tables,

43:33

dancing by ourselves in the middle of this

43:36

restaurant, we just need to like, shake it

43:38

off and like get some new energy. And

43:40

you know, we were right by the Eiffel

43:42

Tower, the lights are glittering. And we're

43:44

just hammered dancing like jazz

43:47

hands, leaps like two fucking

43:49

idiots. And that's my core

43:51

memory. It's murder on the

43:54

dance floor. But you cannot

43:56

kill the groove. Yeah. Yeah.

44:00

And I was just I had like a

44:02

sciatic problem that I say because I was

44:04

just whipping my sad little flicked bun

44:06

clean girl aesthetic Oh my god,

44:08

this is also so amazing. There is a teacher

44:10

in LA Obviously,

44:13

it is a math teacher His name

44:15

is Christian Sheer had and

44:17

he would borrow on tiktok because he

44:19

taught his students a lesson in Mewing

44:22

with like a PowerPoint To

44:25

show how you can pose With

44:27

a chiseled jawline. So he's like got

44:29

his little ruler out and he's like

44:31

as you see like you retract the

44:33

tongue Petru the chin find

44:36

your light whip an angle mu.

44:38

I don't know if I'm a

44:40

new person I Do

44:43

think I look well quite frankly,

44:46

this isn't this isn't gonna slap

44:48

Well, just a little down see

44:50

sometimes from certain angles Let

44:52

that sink in Oh, let's audio clip

44:54

it throw it on tiktok. Let's cancel

44:56

her. No, not today Not

44:59

today Tessa I

45:01

don't know if I'm a mew person I

45:04

think you know the eyes

45:06

get a little wonk wonk for me. So

45:08

I have to be very strategic Smiling

45:11

I've been told is not good for me.

45:13

That's courtesy of max my best friend He was

45:16

like you should never smile in photos He said

45:18

I could do like a little

45:20

bit of a smile But like a minimal

45:22

smile or no smile at all

45:24

and I need to shift to the right like

45:26

the for the The nose has

45:28

to shift to the right because I'm not

45:30

symmetrical and I need to chin down Look

45:33

up and like like a

45:35

light tight smile, but mewing

45:37

for me Isn't

45:40

great Also,

45:42

I went to Home Depot last week

45:44

Okay, because I can't keep up with

45:46

these fucking designer trees. I bought you

45:49

know, I had the Ming Aurelia I

45:52

had a fucking like an indoor olive

45:54

tree that cost a small fortune that

45:56

died within six days I'm

45:58

all of my Audrey ficus or

46:00

Vucocta, Dead in the Ground, the Fiddle Leafs.

46:02

I mean, for whatever reason, I'm not a

46:05

big Fiddle Leaf girl, obviously, but they're thriving

46:07

in the home, so I can't get rid

46:09

of them because they're the only things I've

46:11

been able to keep alive. So

46:14

I decided, you know what, fuck it. I'm

46:16

going to high tail it to the Home

46:18

Depot and I'm going to get some cheap

46:20

ass big palms and if they die, they

46:23

die. I'll replace them. It's okay. It's less

46:25

of a financial investment than these fucking stupid

46:27

ass designer trees that I just don't have

46:30

the bandwidth as a new mother to

46:32

keep alive. Okay. I just can't be,

46:34

I can't be caretaking that many living

46:37

objects. So I go

46:39

to Home Depot and I get my discount palms.

46:41

Okay. And they're beautiful. They're 50 bucks.

46:44

They're tropical. They're chic. They're,

46:46

you know, they're big. They're

46:49

blossoming, whatever. Okay. So I

46:51

bought three of them. And

46:54

I do feel that I have lost

46:56

my luster because whatever pheromones I was giving

46:58

while I was pregnant at the Home Depot,

47:02

I was popping bony's.

47:04

Okay. Isles one through a

47:06

hundred literally could barely

47:10

step foot through those

47:12

automatic sliding orange doors

47:15

without men like fucking

47:18

creaming themselves dropping

47:21

to their knees. Like it was quite

47:24

literally unsafe for me at a certain point

47:26

in my pregnancy. I'm like, I

47:29

am just, I'm putting myself

47:31

in a very, very unsafe

47:34

situation because I am

47:36

asking to be objectified,

47:38

but not only objectified, um, assaulted

47:42

quite frankly. And I should be

47:44

so lucky. I was hoping for

47:47

a reach around. It didn't happen.

47:49

So I thought post baby just

47:52

had a blow dry. I thought, Oh

47:54

my God, I'm going to pop into Home

47:56

Depot, you know, on a Tuesday at

47:58

two 30 PM. And

48:00

I'm going to shake this joint up. It's

48:02

a matter on the dance floor. I'm going

48:04

to start stripping down the fucking, you know,

48:07

outlet aisle. It

48:09

was not the response that I was looking

48:12

for at all. Okay.

48:14

No one even offered. I mean, I

48:16

was like throwing out my back trying

48:18

to hoist these palm trees into my

48:21

fucking cart and two men walked

48:23

right past me and orange and lay prints

48:25

and didn't say, oh, hi, like, oh, let

48:27

me help you with that. What

48:30

like, oh, I'm sorry. You got

48:32

it. You need any help? You

48:34

want me to push your cart?

48:36

I've never even pushed my cart

48:38

to the register at a Home

48:40

Depot before last week. Somebody somewhere

48:42

always was resurrecting from some,

48:44

you know, wood aisle erection and tobing, like,

48:46

let me get your cart for you, honey

48:49

pie. And that didn't happen.

48:51

So now I'm like kind of insecure

48:53

and reassessing everything I thought I knew.

48:56

And I looked at myself like Mulan

48:58

in the mirror when I got

49:00

home, you know, just mud everywhere

49:03

from schlepping fucking trees. And I

49:05

was like, maybe I

49:07

need to go blonder and pop a

49:09

wave in, you know, maybe that's what

49:11

I need to do and then revisit

49:13

because if Home Depot is the gauge,

49:15

the gosh. Wow.

49:23

Alrighty and slip gauge my

49:26

gauges off. If that

49:28

is the gauge of

49:30

my sexual frequency, we're

49:33

not doing so good. So I

49:35

need to I think I need to hit it with

49:37

a couple highlights some face framing highlights and pop a

49:39

wave in that's just where I'm at emotionally. That's

49:41

all. See you next week.