0:00

Hello! it's me know when

0:02

it's the blocks, podcast them

0:04

in different studio. I'm in

0:06

Austin, Texas at the Comedy

0:09

Frequency. Yet

0:11

the podcast studio. Go. Back.

0:13

And am I guess today is a

0:16

is a. Austin. Texas

0:18

Legend. He's.

0:20

Got a new Netflix special that

0:22

them blanking on the name of

0:24

a law firm mothership. Live from

0:26

the mothership. Good dude. Met him

0:28

at the store probably five years

0:30

ago and he had good joke

0:32

from a time I saw him.

0:35

And his name. Is. Brian Simpson

0:38

and you The Air. Can.

0:40

Disable like was man it the first on the lam.

0:42

You know you are. You get me some shoes that

0:44

were to do for me. they were to be worrying

0:46

about that. Hitler pay my rent I gave you and

0:49

your mar shoes right early. Jordan's. They. Were,

0:51

but I wasn't with nobody else. Were

0:53

they read Jordan's know? I. Give

0:55

gym are some read a brothel. The

0:57

Ira Jordan said a soul. I went

0:59

for some fifty seven. would you get.

1:02

Know. I got four fifty. That's not

1:04

bad. Yeah, because I'm not a happy that

1:07

I've never. I've. Never owned

1:09

a pair of Jordan's before. shot my

1:11

special. That's. Smart. That's.

1:13

Where I like about this. What

1:15

I like about Simpson is: you

1:18

have your working class. You're not.

1:21

Silly. You.

1:23

Know me, we're back on know that's

1:25

have I don't even know I'd to.

1:27

I did disabuse me. I was born

1:30

in in Washington Dc. Him and. When.

1:32

I was like seven. Ah, I'm

1:34

when in a foster care. How to go?

1:36

And it's foster care. So. The parent.

1:38

your parents. Couldn't. Do It. My.

1:41

Dad already wasn't around

1:43

my. Eighteen year old

1:45

mother. Lives. with

1:47

her mother and. She.

1:50

Already had me and my older brother so she she had our

1:52

first kid. It. Sixty. Me at eighteen.

1:54

Loved it so much. Was I going to

1:56

give it a i gonna do another one

1:58

some No, no no because. She really.

2:01

She. Really Door: My father was gone.

2:03

It was. So. That set

2:05

both of you guys were from the same Yeah,

2:07

no no. No. No my bread model older

2:09

brothers from a different guy who was useless shit he

2:11

had high school boyfriend get who are My dad was

2:14

like a real do were like my mother was like

2:16

oh we can build together like regrets that we stick

2:18

together but you know. By. A medallion

2:20

obscene on earns anyway. My Grandma

2:22

Who My My mother, My mother's

2:25

mother. She. She always data

2:27

Ali's abusive men. He.

2:29

Noted that and then they whatever abuse the kids and it's funny

2:31

how that it had a kind of works that way sometimes. but

2:33

they would never do the kids but they were always. She would

2:36

always be the fuck out of my heroes bit. For that I'm

2:38

I'm I'm on M M M up. My mother had already second

2:40

hurt to what to do. That's. The last

2:42

defending her mother right? who would didn't turn on

2:44

her. Well that's funny because when you say they

2:46

don't hit the kids a lot of times they

2:49

do have to kill it. sometimes we do. but

2:51

but but that was so was so funny is

2:53

my gram of was a crazy bit in touch

2:55

and one of the kids with best with that

2:57

would have set her off right. Big beat the

3:00

fuck outta her and she would cry wiper face

3:02

off and make them a sandwich but if day

3:04

when he won our children she would literally like

3:06

pour hot lie on their site like she's lost

3:08

her shit before. the are you gonna may have

3:11

seen her fully probably. Sense that oh

3:13

yeah, yeah, straight mama bear types

3:15

it. But. My. Mother

3:17

the last do my mother burn to

3:19

die when iron it was his whole

3:21

thing and them smart what are your

3:23

grandmother's men right with an idea and

3:25

then the guy and your mom's eight

3:27

seventeen eighteen not relaxing when even think

3:29

I suspect up laughing some sixteen so

3:31

she didn't have abby yes but she

3:33

was over it in the she found

3:35

out them agreement with was back with

3:37

the got demoted thousand health issues like

3:40

a medal initial as as she left.

3:42

Anna it's of wish you see what every

3:44

two months ago to this whole spiel yeah

3:46

I skip over a lot of that the

3:48

that the part because it's just faster to

3:51

say she left but for real she took

3:53

us with her but couldn't hack it. You

3:55

know she was a teenager you know, domains

3:57

yet to have our own place and two

3:59

kids. The seed? Two kids under

4:01

three, right? So yeah, she took us

4:03

back. Left of their. And.

4:08

Then. When I hate math neighbors called

4:10

the cops and say we was home alone

4:13

and then back then these the head of

4:15

propaganda shit in this is like the Nancy

4:17

Reagan dare days so cops was all in

4:19

the schools our what it'll do to see

4:21

them or do or do the math but

4:23

the cost of comes to the schools. To.

4:26

The school be like friendly. Cook.

4:28

But I think the price of the that

4:31

whole thing so I'll be the kids have

4:33

no respect for got an all male model

4:35

league I don't think it would help no

4:37

no but but what I mean is no

4:39

now community our it's were out on our

4:41

they they have no no because I guess

4:43

cops are in the school yet now they

4:45

have cops in the schools to to police

4:47

you're born in what eighty three into editor

4:50

but now the causing the schools as police.

4:53

slight. But to police the kids right? right?

4:55

But better to my mom it is like

4:57

concept and as think every single one of

4:59

them say I'm off to friendly guess they

5:01

also the names of the friendly in a

5:04

which is there so that you felt comfortable

5:06

around police though they will they weren't They

5:08

are looking for clams. They were there to

5:10

be like yes plenty of you need to

5:12

snatch no no it would you can comes

5:14

in making them like that was like Obama

5:16

be helpful. I'm a he had worked like

5:18

that which a book no don't don't be

5:20

a bully. it was able to. Yeah so

5:22

anyway them nausea. They because the problems that we

5:24

home along with every. Every. Black kid

5:26

in the who was home alone if you had a

5:29

single work and parents? yeah but and my dumb as

5:31

as the door. Could. Every blacked out

5:33

of us auto no answer the fucking door

5:35

but he was like is also really. Yeah.

5:38

I. Thought with this

5:40

guy obviously I'm a was with and it was

5:42

an officer friendly neither one I knew. Was.

5:45

Any of our lives in general but there was

5:47

a cop at my school because the front added

5:49

know back then all of them to said in

5:51

ames yeah and it's but but I'm sorry to

5:53

this is and the and even then and we

5:56

had we done at or above jail for i

5:58

took the when they took advantage jail. War

6:00

for what What were the targets but in

6:02

charge of another are they just will hold

6:04

him down the of and they want to

6:06

my grandmother to come get us or whatever

6:08

but is like everyone knows the situation like

6:11

technically it's illegal to leave your kids home

6:13

and right it's like but a know cop

6:15

economy I like everyone's kind of do in

6:17

some form of that's right the so as

6:19

we get super young i couldn't have been

6:21

old is in for your seventy five or

6:24

yeah to yourself. But but even that Mcgraham

6:26

up she walks in that fucking police places

6:28

like she own that motherfucker. Of

6:30

a me screen squid like they brennan lock

6:32

her up. You. Know mentally may have

6:34

you will calm down We looks like the I've never

6:37

seen anybody with a like we don't want. To.

6:39

Arrest you like please you as

6:41

a kid. Don't. You.

6:44

Doesn't that read as

6:46

care. If your

6:48

grandma I was, it's like those dads who.

6:51

Try. To lunge at the child molester in

6:53

court. For. The Murder and Court. If

6:55

I'm if that's my dad, I'm Mike. I'm proud

6:57

of him. Or. I would feel

6:59

cared for. Her I arid lights

7:02

what I think I have a don't know

7:04

what I felt bad man. Maybe.

7:06

Embarrassed that age are confused for some. And

7:08

like, wish yet, how is she more important? don't.

7:11

Know but but but but also like

7:13

I have read or I have way

7:15

more respect for the dad. That

7:18

slams it. And

7:20

fucking like the got a black as

7:22

head off when it was welcome to

7:24

the airport. A I was going on

7:26

attack dice than the guy that just

7:28

like loses emotional control in the moment.

7:30

Yes I can say why the guy

7:32

who lose control is better. Because.

7:35

If let's say it's a. If.

7:38

He does lose control in the courtroom and lunges at

7:40

them. At the perpetrator is on

7:43

going away with it. It's understandable. If.

7:45

He planted and kills them. She's

7:47

gone to jail. The Dad's gone

7:49

to jail forever, leaving the son

7:51

or daughter alive. and what kind

7:53

of without father? Now the kids

7:55

dead though. Respect.

7:59

right? To that. The Far yeah that's what

8:01

I'm places where you can really get through dance.

8:03

You can be like I'm what what are you

8:05

go to prison and and I'm I'm a less

8:07

joseph success You know that? Yeah, but whatever. So

8:09

anyway we we don't have our own oh well

8:11

I'll I looked at her and in a moment

8:13

I guess you know what it is. I don't

8:15

know. I guess I just looked at. The.

8:18

At those pops like. Like.

8:20

Yeah, like that's how she like that

8:22

you're reacting the way I've death were

8:24

going on with it, a result of

8:27

yes, you should listener economists were so

8:29

she gets you out and then and

8:31

then. That somehow leads cause I've never

8:33

talked to either person about it. my

8:35

grandmother or my aunt's That leaves us.

8:38

Moving. Upstairs in the same building.

8:41

With. Our aunt who also has

8:43

two kids so seems also a

8:45

teenage mom Aussie has us. To

8:48

handle it? obviously. Process.

8:50

Or services you have. Just so

8:52

happens my brother's grandmother's on his

8:54

dad mom is a foster parent.

8:58

In. Maryland. Which. Is

9:00

right across boy so then they put us with

9:02

them because they will They will put you with

9:04

family if they can't if they can get it

9:06

wasn't it was of my phone is bottom though

9:08

not the most is when i was of in

9:11

but definitely. That is where I felt

9:13

abandoned or without is what? what? What I was

9:15

gonna ask you. A map particular

9:17

home? Yeah, That. Any of

9:19

the are you felt the bay because you

9:21

should have been more emotionally connected and it

9:23

wasn't there. No no no no I felt

9:25

the ban And because. The

9:28

the aren't we were living with

9:30

because this this this was so

9:32

before. Before. We live there.

9:34

This was just. Two

9:37

people, She was rich, she just lived in the suburbs.

9:40

She. Was just the grandma that we will go

9:42

visit. Every now and then proceed had didn't

9:44

see had a nice and house and the family yeah

9:46

you know they had and it's in those with like

9:48

they're so it was a big holiday of things. Give

9:50

us my we buy go but his flat. You.

9:53

Know but she a cable which

9:55

was mind blowing. Fable in multiple

9:57

room. Zoc right? All is. So.

10:00

I was told. That.

10:03

We were going over there for Christmas

10:05

so my oh okay for the allegra

10:07

like that but. To.

10:09

Be thy neighbor's house or few days of okay

10:11

my cable so what exactly sort in a few

10:13

days go by and with air and also and

10:15

i get into the one of the kids one

10:17

of the kids when her biological to than us

10:19

a fucking hated her. And.

10:22

Again to have in like Flynn ever bitten go

10:24

home as a way to go home. And

10:27

she started to land. A

10:31

little. And you new

10:33

layout. She knows some I don't know know.

10:35

I was completely confused. You know

10:37

she was like you live here. Are

10:40

we? Talking about oh my god,

10:42

I bought her my border of.

10:45

The. Mother out. There

10:48

when we all such you are

10:50

home. So I go

10:52

out running, grab my brother and I'm like yo. Dude.

10:55

You know we live here. He

10:57

was a yeah yeah yeah aren't he told me like. Two.

11:00

Months ago. So.

11:03

Why You feel me? So this is in

11:05

February. This happen. Or you this before

11:07

Chris you he found out like in November

11:09

you're going right he's ya a gonna go

11:11

out November that we was going yeah. You.

11:14

Know and. And in

11:16

our in our in any In

11:18

in I remember like months before

11:20

that my cousin my my. My.

11:24

Aunt's son, the. Him saying

11:26

that To me that was one

11:28

in a foster care. Saying it

11:31

lego insult. And mean

11:33

I believe him cause he would do shit

11:35

like that. Yeah, you know some modeling. Enough

11:37

about announcing his also. So. Everybody

11:40

knew. Except me? Yes,

11:42

Like why the fuck. Did.

11:45

That. Why did everyone feel that it

11:47

would be better suggests to lie to

11:50

me right? they would like what did

11:52

you think was lab adaptable, get all

11:54

the year and have such a great

11:56

time. I would never wanna go home

11:59

and they. It did. I will find

12:01

a way to stay below. yea is that was was hoping

12:03

for. The who have fought

12:05

the I was so. Honestly,

12:07

I think. That

12:09

sparked. There's a little

12:12

ember. Of.

12:14

Pissed off. This

12:16

always smoldering and me from that moment

12:18

years with adult for. It.

12:21

Mm. Mm Mm. everything. After that.

12:24

Eroded my my trust

12:26

in. The. Adults around me

12:28

yeah I think the real dangerous for

12:30

city of I would never do that

12:32

to my kids will that's or with

12:35

them with the class I want to

12:37

ask was so you grub avast occur

12:39

until age rating scale only one smelter

12:41

films are the if you grow up

12:43

what you think is in a normal

12:45

healthy. Way.

12:47

Relatively right. Like let's say, hypothetically,

12:49

you grub and like to sustainable

12:51

one or two parent home. With

12:53

no. Major. Volatility.

12:56

right breast. Who.

12:58

Do you think you'd be vs? Who do you think

13:00

you are? It's

13:02

a hard cause an answer but I'm

13:04

saying like what did you get? What

13:06

do you think being sort of in

13:08

foster care did to your. Spirit.

13:11

Looking back on it, I think I would. If

13:14

I had been of are grown up normal.

13:17

I think I was I would just be

13:19

great us on else then commonly read. Or.

13:21

Oil up my still be don't comedy or

13:23

am i just have a completely worse as

13:25

different perspective saw that are be better at

13:27

it as i just think our maybe maybe

13:29

another you will you have a good brain

13:31

so it's i hear your your. Letter

13:34

to show that are like a pinball machine

13:37

or like synaptic pinball. It's right that so

13:39

it's not like ah like you come up

13:41

with weird angle so it's not. It's.

13:44

Not based on. Trauma

13:47

necessarily are filling when or where I

13:49

like have made the maybe it did

13:51

but it brought it doesn't hurt. I

13:53

think where it helps me was my

13:55

ability to. Translate.

13:58

My. Ability to. Chameleon.

14:01

It. And understand. Communicate

14:04

between the kids in the foster parents I was

14:06

being. You know what a gave me gave you.

14:08

That gave me the ability to to. Instantly.

14:11

Become the observer Like when I catch myself. Yeah,

14:13

you know because as being in the moment and

14:15

then as being above the moment. Yeah, which is

14:17

a different things and it gave me that ability

14:20

to be like wait a minute, let me see.

14:22

Let observe what was making. This was like it's

14:24

because you have to learn up yet you know

14:26

you change home. You. Change schools and

14:28

change of plans. You have to learn

14:30

how to. Sit. In your

14:33

to learn how to recognize danger

14:35

yeah right are now to assess people's

14:37

motivations and where you have to read

14:39

every single room right and and that

14:42

you're never There's no home games. Yeah,

14:44

so there's there are things about

14:46

the foster care experience that have stuck

14:48

with me to this day and I'm

14:51

going of of or way there. But

14:53

and on top of that. By.

14:55

The Way Netflix let me make my documentary, please?

14:58

Every foster adults that I've met

15:00

have. Most

15:02

of the same issues is it largely

15:04

because your first block is. Bit.

15:07

Base of what we more talking about

15:09

witches. I. Don't fit him completely

15:11

anywhere, right? So obviously that's their

15:14

their it is And and do you

15:16

know in your the first person that

15:18

I've ever since you're the first person

15:20

that's a friend of mine that I've

15:22

said those words to the didn't take

15:24

it is absurd or what? What Have

15:26

a say like seven people love you

15:28

and it it it up right or

15:30

gave me feel like you or because

15:32

I just you can't tell someone that

15:34

you don't fit in without it being

15:36

a statement about them. Right.

15:38

It's like what I understood, We all

15:40

right are crazy about it's like know,

15:43

I hear you go. Your

15:45

joke about i don't wish sort

15:48

nesson somebody I wish. Endless.

15:51

A high growth and when I

15:53

see what are you tall slots,

15:55

stamps and a night away I

15:57

wish you were my height. I

16:00

wish you were growing! Uncontrollably

16:05

Mass Bad. For

16:09

you reach a high whereas man said nobody.

16:14

Likes of America Will there's a are

16:16

I he's not. Gonna. Care

16:18

about New Year's Eve? He's knock

16:20

it out about birthdays. He's not.

16:23

You're not gonna care about. The.

16:26

Normal ship in your smith service kissed

16:28

you don't I and I say it

16:30

because I'm in the same this and

16:32

I don't care about the shit other

16:34

people care about and I don't see

16:36

things the way out of evil care

16:38

about. And can I say this to

16:40

to the women in your of your

16:42

listeners Ah hey listen when you're man

16:44

tells you he doesn't care about birthdays

16:46

he means it. But

16:48

the reason you think he does. Is.

16:51

Because that's not what you would mean.

16:53

As you said is correct yes and

16:55

mean I don't care about your birthday

16:58

right? Means I don't care about my

17:00

birthday. He that And he means I

17:02

don't think their birthdays are a significant

17:04

milestone for anything threats and I don't

17:06

wanna party. Yep, and when

17:08

you owe me a party and it's all said

17:11

and done in, you go. well. As

17:13

but he really wanted to him a party

17:15

to I had agree temps know what you did

17:17

was you put me in a position square has

17:19

a habit would see how I found Reform

17:21

great high because I can't walk into my

17:23

surprise party and what the fuck is this the

17:26

number the since the hospital oh. I

17:29

hate every second of it. Just

17:32

looks and I feel on. I

17:34

feel unheard. Me: Too. I

17:36

hate every second of it. Also, I

17:39

feel unseen when you at i asked

17:41

map do that yes now but you're

17:43

being you're fishing. no I'm not. I

17:45

know how to get it. Senses drive

17:47

like to earn it with a thought.

17:49

For. A Go on a staged have people

17:52

approve or disapprove. but this is I. Honestly,

17:54

I think what bothers me the most about.

17:56

All. That amount of san of

17:59

pedantry. The would it all

18:01

it all boils down to that the

18:03

a mob sale of of the of

18:05

of doing things for show have a

18:07

parades yards away for a bus in

18:09

a perennial I hate I hate doing

18:11

things that. Just. For show there

18:13

is like Alex Ceremonies Alma Lot of out

18:16

team as the the traditional able to what

18:18

wrap it up right up there while you're

18:20

with like the final vote a Catholic when

18:22

when you're when live out a vow. Why

18:24

is this why we visit New Hampshire's wife

18:26

is over now it's who and how I've

18:28

had over twenty minutes and then the minor

18:31

for as if why am I still here

18:33

lies the mass long beyond of the ramps

18:35

and why the are we pretending like this

18:37

is gonna help. How

18:40

is this helping? Anything.

18:43

Like your enemy. Like by the power of

18:45

our wedding day. please get a service or

18:47

with you either Voc with each other or

18:49

you don't I know when we're unromantic for

18:51

scientists. Winnings is a weird wedding is of

18:53

a wedding of the were being the me

18:55

because it feels like. He.

18:57

Feels like a giant fucking

18:59

upfront investment. In. Something

19:02

that. Sales.

19:05

So regularly it's it's it's is

19:07

like it's almost like you wouldn't

19:09

buy. You. When you

19:11

buy a car you do more research

19:13

your more cautious. It's like having a

19:16

grand opening for a. Building.

19:18

That cannot pass inspection is

19:20

cut the ribbon can't pass

19:23

inspection Guys don't have a

19:25

ceremony. Unless you're it's

19:27

it's just he just get married. Shut the

19:29

fuck up You know this is almost. You

19:32

notice me as the like some some people's

19:34

like getting married his legs. Is

19:37

like is like rinsing on apartment

19:39

online without ever go him and

19:41

his leg ah you know any

19:43

any by the way making everyone

19:45

go to the apartments year when

19:47

a movie you saw a be

19:49

less. Than

19:52

as soon as the boys over the

19:54

last offseason of his one notices possible

19:56

in his seat of crack and aloha

19:58

ceiling slump. And

20:00

you like a cold ah you

20:02

know so what I guess served

20:05

your view our I'd say constitutionally

20:07

abnormal and then I probably out

20:09

of out of the box. From.

20:12

Eighty. Three. On and and eighty

20:14

Four five six seven eight nine

20:16

ten eleven twelve thirteen, fourteen Fifteen

20:19

didn't help, right? Said. Exacerbated

20:21

of or existing city? You know what?

20:23

You know how? I know that I

20:25

would have been very similar to who

20:27

I am now. Is

20:29

because this is one of the thing that really

20:31

gonna do get the most above of my marks

20:33

it you know cause to do people are my

20:35

story and just assume that we aren't. Clubs:

20:38

But. When. I finally got to perform

20:40

in D C. Some of the zebra. And

20:43

my mom to come see me

20:46

perform also her first time. Known.

20:48

As much of. But. But per second

20:50

time see him perform live. By

20:53

are a lot her friends. So.

20:55

Cool never met me. Coming

20:58

to see me he prefers were

21:01

stamps and causally santa her what

21:03

as your for concern for sure

21:05

because C C and I are

21:08

so much. We. Have the same.

21:10

Constitution. Would get very resilient of

21:13

a weird shit like your throat. The.

21:15

Way I don't know your mom what

21:18

I'm saying. Like the way you say

21:20

certain things that the way you pronounce

21:22

words are the way just it is

21:24

that creepy family shit. See

21:26

my. The I got

21:29

so many friends a little it though to relax. Whammy?

21:31

I know your mom's through. With

21:33

a religious man to get have a moron

21:35

course? Whatever. Average apple I was. Yep, the

21:38

would have another Roka version bread ago Be

21:40

like air. That joke is beneath me even

21:42

though I even though I know it popped

21:44

up in your home for specific dyslexic course.

21:46

so I went with people are so. He

21:50

yeah yeah yeah, but everything. So

21:53

many things about. Her and

21:55

me are the same. So

21:58

I know of a lot of. My.

22:00

You know your ingredients.changes which you know your

22:02

pantry as if got it when it's it

22:05

would send your if you've got to me

22:07

up ago a pound a even if it's

22:09

sitting in a refrigerator or at or a

22:11

dusty cabin another up at Nami like your

22:14

i think like that when you're born your

22:16

flip your personality as a dusty doomsday moncur

22:18

you know and everything as an it is

22:20

what he got and you can flip it

22:23

and make different shit what all the ingredients

22:25

in there but you can add she did

22:27

it again and if you know and so

22:29

do for. One of those video game centers

22:31

in their sts. Unanimous? You don't? You go

22:34

spruce it up A bear's fur is it

22:36

up? Clean it up but yet still gonna

22:38

be. Wouldn't compare. But I think up again

22:40

by born with a Kitchen and you can

22:42

and you would you can make. The possibilities

22:44

are countless but this artist of you just

22:46

say makes you don't I you know? Okay

22:48

so. I. Know you're alone.

22:50

Are. You lonely? Is a

22:53

strange to say that I didn't. I

22:55

never. I'm never quite sure. Know.

22:57

I'm positive that I i

23:00

don't feel lonely often. I.

23:02

Do recognize when I need to be around

23:04

people and maybe that's lonely. That's it's you

23:06

know that you know to his loneliness. I

23:08

think it's just like it's it or mean

23:10

I'm starving or I city as probably. right?

23:13

My relationship with alone is different.

23:16

Because. Alone brings

23:19

me comfort. And like a

23:21

I'm I'm at peace when I'm alone. I used to

23:23

it. Yeah, what? Yeah. And. It's

23:25

it's. almost like have you ever have you Not

23:27

only wrestlers and people arrested on school would have

23:29

a man malware or not or had? No, I

23:32

haven't Oh my, there's anyone had to cut weight.

23:34

Know. I'd like a but people that people

23:37

that grew up wrestling the summer that's when they

23:39

they cut weight. So. Much

23:41

as such an early age

23:43

that. Diploma. From Jeffries

23:45

like this is his relationship with

23:47

hunger is like. It's

23:50

it's twisted because. He.

23:52

Never feels like he's starving. The

23:55

Or he the star. He's the. He

23:57

knows what starving. It's right. He just

23:59

recognizes the. The patterns of how he behaves

24:01

when he haven't eaten. lucky. if he knocks

24:03

over the thing, he's like oh shit, a

24:05

dagger. Yeah, but he doesn't seals on. Yeah,

24:07

you know, running would. Okay, well that was.

24:09

I've what I was him say. So there

24:11

is that. Like. Constitutional.

24:14

Observer removes thing which people probably

24:16

take as aloof which I'm always

24:18

been like i'm not lose, like

24:20

I'm in jail. Lose out of

24:23

meaning what Side Disinterested Dispassionate. Think.

24:25

Of think less of people up and call

24:28

them I'm does not me at all I

24:30

know me neither you seem I see more

24:32

like of the new do but. That's.

24:35

Because when you're sort of observing all the

24:38

time you're still reading the room. people's i

24:40

like oh he thinks is that of those

24:42

like nom just little quiet know you know

24:44

What you noted is that you have. You

24:48

have an urgent timber and tome to

24:50

your vote to your voice, so it

24:52

sounds like you don't have time for

24:54

whatever you'd like. all like whenever I

24:56

don't. Wherever you're talking right now, if

24:58

you like. I don't have

25:00

time for little things but chipset for as

25:02

for in things are insignificant. like your voice sounds

25:04

like that will I? which is fairly true, but

25:07

it doesn't mean like fuck, you remains like

25:09

I would get to the thing. Yeah, you

25:11

aren't. You never come off as aloof to me.

25:13

You come off as a sort of person

25:15

That's like. That. Like, I'll give

25:17

you five seconds to prove to me that

25:19

this interaction is not completely point. Or

25:23

it's like you will have a say that

25:25

but as like were bright was law did

25:27

you access? I'm interested in reading about of

25:29

our first funny like all barrier or we've

25:31

also talk of over an hour and eyes

25:33

and live. Why right? You know I'm exactly

25:35

the same way. but. I. Did is

25:37

Rochelle but no one right? Thanks! You're an

25:39

asshole and I'm and amazon I have. I'm

25:41

of of a friendlier, dispossessed yet correct which

25:43

is also not me either. I know I'm

25:45

I'm nice added just don't seem to is

25:47

it out. What? I'm saying is what

25:49

he. I also considered that my sort of.

25:53

Comfort. Or even desire

25:55

to be alone. sometimes with. Ah,

25:58

I'm. Winning. Grow up around

26:00

a bunch people. Saw. The

26:02

your of with a lot of people around,

26:04

a lot of people around, no space but

26:06

no but that was me really well as

26:09

I'm an amateur you would work out and

26:11

my third or was enough fourth foster home.

26:13

I was plan would a gun and

26:16

shot my foster brother and. That

26:19

turned into a whole

26:21

fucking shit storm. And

26:25

I don't know why, right? And I

26:27

ends up being taken out of that

26:29

home. What? Do you can I?

26:31

Before it can I'd cut can I

26:33

but in real quick what he's I

26:35

was thinking about a kid playing with

26:37

a gun. How are we have? Ah

26:39

I'm at this point I'm Sistine. Okay

26:42

so you know what a gun As I'm done when I

26:44

went little kids think is happening know but out here playing

26:46

with a gun. At. That point,

26:48

which is crazy I'm pretty sure.

26:50

I'm almost positive I had never

26:53

seen a good. Man

26:55

of real one get him. but maybe I had

26:57

seen one but our devil He had never. Held.

27:00

A gun. Is going to

27:02

piss off my lefty friends, but

27:04

I. I honestly think you know

27:07

guns and sex are things that people need

27:09

to be educated about as long as as

27:11

will be. Ubiquitous. none of

27:13

your hair's They're everywhere you go in

27:15

and is. We clearly aren't going to

27:17

do anything about it, even though. It's

27:20

weird that both sides focus most about

27:22

abstinence right, but the of the right

27:25

focuses on abstinence and the left focus

27:27

on getting rid of burns. Yeah, no

27:29

need of the things other than yes

27:31

elect. Everywhere. Everywhere

27:34

throughout history, violence and sex is part of

27:36

a sniff in a way of our out

27:39

on a whitlow why I went off

27:41

on that. Know. Yeah, I'm injured.

27:43

That's actually not. That's a a good premise

27:45

and be true which is the we should

27:47

have. Gone class in eighth grade and

27:49

I end up and I ended up in

27:51

the military where I swear I trained in,

27:53

slept with my gun and I was on

27:55

any but. Now. The accident

27:57

that phone and I literally the real

28:00

them are shot my my at a

28:02

time my best friend. Was.

28:04

Because I didn't know what the fuck up

28:06

Zola, I just thought about use the with

28:08

again. So. You would am. I

28:10

would assume you wake up most mornings.

28:13

With an erection against up against your

28:15

gun. No no I would

28:17

wake up in a pot. With.

28:20

My. So. If it

28:22

would be of you have a spleen of those, a

28:24

couple of account boa little bit and you. And

28:26

my and the in the. Look. What I

28:28

would do is I will put my leg through the

28:30

slayings for my leg. To the slang a rabbit around

28:33

Does everybody have vega? Yeah. So.

28:35

Get somebody. Must have fuck their current

28:38

at a certain point. I'm all nord

28:40

as possible to fund your gun isn't

28:42

over is really no dry hump it.

28:45

I mean look best every possible but

28:47

but there's way more flexible things around

28:49

you. When you deployed the

28:51

doing yoga boots. Also you need your

28:54

the like you're the reason you're sleeping

28:56

with it is. Because.

28:58

At any moment you minded you threat so that a

29:00

sex object made it illegal, one combing your gun in

29:02

a fire. That sonos

29:04

get messages or harm. okay I'd So

29:07

so he the gun saying so you

29:09

shoot your as you my friends I

29:11

guess I can just skip past that

29:14

right? Yeah, so they vote launched a

29:16

mimic the store. The story short long

29:18

story short a mother former foster to

29:20

that used to live in in this

29:23

house but I wasn't. Like.

29:25

He so he's grown. He's out zero

29:27

But he was there when the oldest

29:29

kid. That there with me was

29:31

younger kids so the heat and elizabeth so

29:34

he gives him a gun the whole. Because

29:36

I hold us when we don't I'm so

29:38

does guns in the house. Obama months when

29:41

I'm in, Then he keeps it a secret

29:43

and then one day he's all these drunk

29:45

or high. Whatever he does as the fuck

29:47

with me and might wake me up with

29:49

it to my face. So.

29:51

In the middle the my own who's here,

29:54

who's in the house. he was a dentist

29:56

don't me of the gas and I'm fucking

29:58

scared and I'm like Alan the money whatever

30:00

Vulgar many times like these but laugh and

30:03

bubble love. This. Is the jokes

30:05

you've. Been. A part of as

30:07

a child or. Three. The main

30:09

associate of a heard an

30:11

adult foster care center Origami,

30:13

the Alabama Men In The

30:15

Trail in So. You. Know

30:17

to get him that you know I waited

30:19

a few weeks. He. Was get ready

30:21

for date. give up. The salvo of light

30:23

comes into my ah which now thinking back

30:26

on it I'm like why would does not

30:28

even a good thing because collapses scabs. Yeah,

30:30

that's that's a good price. Learn how to

30:33

get pregnant like idea holding the gun? Yes

30:35

you know and I know what possessed me.

30:38

To. Suit it. says. A one

30:40

of the things it just happened and you

30:42

don't remember sending the message to your finger

30:44

to pull the trigger on a narrow what

30:46

what he was is when he did it's

30:48

and me he pulled the trigger and clip.

30:51

So. C and a black

30:53

guy little bit into to the thing

30:55

I was so me. You might

30:57

have to bag or show me a lot

30:59

and I I just remembered that in the

31:02

wrong order. So when I got my new

31:04

them salary and I got the gun. Mps

31:06

accept the magazine I like mix up. yeah

31:08

after the maybe not my cock the that

31:10

and that put one in the chamber. Right

31:14

and so as the other didn't know in the

31:16

right order but at his didn't know that was

31:18

not yet you know and so. On

31:21

So I just a pull the trigger.

31:24

He gets us. He survives. On

31:26

the stomach. Twenty two points and fallible

31:28

blasphemy bag or led to this day

31:30

no no I think as you haven't

31:32

seen him since then but I'm from

31:34

so much President Kim Kim that no

31:36

no no I spoke to him about.

31:39

A year or or and a half of those on

31:41

my desk, but that was the first time I spoke

31:43

to him since then. So. It's been

31:46

over twenty five years. Thirty years. And did

31:48

he did you explain like what you did?

31:50

It's me. So where was it? Just like

31:52

ah mm it was no no, was insane,

31:54

was funny, is. I carried around his

31:56

guilt because their foster mother was the best one

31:58

I've had. They take me. Their home because

32:00

it's clearly you know allah I lie for

32:03

him to they you know he tells me

32:05

what to say but he's bleeding to death.

32:07

I called our friend before I pod the

32:09

cops uphold our friend why the neighbors was

32:11

calling the cops or win the cup was

32:13

questioned the meat he already knew what our

32:16

sample the labs of like Why would you

32:18

call this guy. Why?

32:20

Would you call this guy? Is that a mammal? What? Brett.

32:23

Yeah, you know that other goodies it's in. So

32:25

now what does that? I gonna tell them. You

32:28

know so it's all these things mama lie

32:30

on rabble very quickly an hour or that

32:32

take him out of their home like from

32:34

the hospital the that became to the hospital

32:36

got me it's of me to my previous

32:38

home. Back. Your aunt's

32:40

house upstairs and are no do for the the

32:42

shooting happened my my fourth home or third house

32:45

on can be submitted a home before that. And

32:47

I remember. Just.

32:50

Sitting in the dark. Somehow.

32:52

It get a brought me cop like

32:55

everyone had questions and concerns and all

32:57

i'm worried about is like is is

32:59

he alive. Emi I did. I

33:01

did like. did I kill him Cause I'm stupid.

33:04

Like what was in i'm just sitting near as

33:06

want to. all these things and all that eve

33:08

adults who I don't trust. right? Are

33:10

trying to cops foster parents? I am. I

33:12

get the fuck out he would surpass. You'll

33:15

have a pamphlet or what to say? Two

33:17

kids to status man. Slaps, On

33:19

a fucking we you know what you looked up the

33:21

answer yet at the end up with front of tell

33:23

me how I feel I had are they try to

33:25

stand you for like are you crazy, are you a

33:27

murder or is it just like. Do.

33:30

They didn't want to quickly godmothers assists of

33:32

accept I don't know. You know what?

33:34

I think I think what I mean it

33:36

at that time was an adult conversation. I

33:38

think it's important to recognize when you when

33:41

you have a constitutes call the constitution constitutionally

33:43

different child. Yes I out because I want

33:45

to say smart child for that's coming. a

33:48

lot of things different thing right? But

33:50

I was a smart kid and I think

33:52

the smarter your child is the more they

33:54

need things to make sense for the lot

33:56

of a lot of adults. Have.

33:59

Child Com. With the children because

34:01

it makes them comfortable. Yeah. It all of

34:03

us are they when Europe when you're a. Kid.

34:05

Like I'm assuming that similar that we

34:07

were where you'll say shit to adults

34:10

and I'll be like half. A.

34:12

Lot of like. I've never thought of that. You're

34:15

like you've never thought of that. The my My

34:17

Eleven right? Well that's how did you not think

34:19

of that with his answers like they just don't

34:21

There's a lot of the yeah, I think of

34:23

a key I don't think of. I don't think

34:26

I was ever around. Any.

34:28

Adults that. He

34:30

had a Celtic they're dumb and as far as a

34:32

smart yeah I'll because there were only a dollar Thought

34:35

was martyrdom and. A though

34:37

doubly ones are I recognized wisdom of recognize

34:39

that they knew things. I did it just

34:41

because like a you're just keeping the information

34:43

but sure you're you the or a hard

34:45

drive you're not A you're not a city

34:47

is exactly yeah yeah that's the way of

34:49

with your heart or another city. And so

34:52

I didn't I just didn't trust any. I'm

34:54

but that's not true. I trusted them to.

34:57

Behave the way I had.

35:00

Stored. Them In my mind with like you're the

35:02

type person it's gonna react this way. And.

35:05

They never surprised me those are active away other so

35:07

you're in the dark, some sit the so up so

35:09

I was a lot of time. Because.

35:12

Up with of the muscles are you doing?

35:14

I'm also around. Or the

35:16

foster kids that but I left his home

35:18

because I didn't get along with his, didn't

35:20

have a glad like you didn't make it

35:22

or are they like fuck no. Is the

35:24

you know every bite or eaters either traumatized

35:26

to the at Baytown I wouldn't have the

35:28

but they were sick that foster mother was.

35:30

she was. don't that the system a fable

35:32

and I wasn't supposed to be there. In.

35:34

Probably. You. Know if they would

35:36

ever let me look at my own file. Which you can't

35:38

do that for whatever reasons. Why do they save the records

35:40

of you? The only one is allowed to see, but they

35:43

save your records The confidential. No one's allowed to see them.

35:45

Do you can see them later. You can't ever see them.

35:47

Ever. The state of Maryland will not

35:49

let me see my particular records. Ever.

35:54

Play as and time. No one is allowed to see

35:56

them. Zola begs the question then,

35:58

why do you have them. Never.

36:01

Will know you have We can't tell you that of exactly case

36:03

of see I ever wants to the general you know but up

36:05

but also it does make sense that they want to you see

36:07

them because like you could have some father. You.

36:10

Know you could have you will be mentally unstable. You.

36:13

The hat you know you have recently when he a for

36:15

some of the said about you that you know or. Know.

36:18

The yeah, I don't know if you're over

36:20

eighteen. seems like you should be able to.

36:22

Now who's you should be able to? I

36:24

agree, but I'm sure they have a kind

36:26

of bullshit reasons. But anyway, so they had

36:28

been, so she was. She's keeping holding me

36:30

there for them to find. Somewhere. For

36:32

me to go. Grandma prob job for

36:35

sure and she ain't a problem child

36:37

a person. And so they're keeping me

36:39

separate from the other kids in this

36:41

house. yet get was a big ass

36:43

house adviser. They get me the opposite

36:45

downstairs where the. I was in

36:47

the giant. Living

36:49

room I guess got us and all the

36:52

bedrooms upstairs so full of for a few

36:54

days I was there I had that whole

36:56

room. I was just me in that room

36:58

and I remember my foster mother walking in

37:01

and tournaments light. And her

37:03

asking me like, and didn't you know that I

37:05

need anything below, want to talk another kinda sunlight

37:07

off, and I don't know? Sitting.

37:10

In the dark made me. Feel

37:13

better. I think it was like less

37:16

sensory input or something. Like.

37:18

But something about it made me feel

37:21

like I had more control of the

37:23

situation that felt so much Adam ever

37:25

thrown at. I was i can talk

37:28

to her, them or whatever. It's also

37:30

I think being. Isolated.

37:33

Why? It's like a sign of depression.

37:35

all it's of. It's also a magazine

37:37

empowering about isolation. Spicy of your i'm

37:40

sensitive to perception. Like

37:42

I like stealing

37:44

someone's perception. Makes.

37:47

Me: behave differently. And.

37:51

It's a friend of mine monique Mart know he

37:53

says I don't always want to be perceived so

37:55

it's like I just like be my miss out

37:57

on to think about how I am. I don't

37:59

think about what. My behavior makes you think

38:01

I think of you as want to

38:03

behave and exist and not worry about

38:05

who's gonna see it and who's gonna

38:07

have a analyze it in appraise it

38:09

in assume things about and other I

38:11

think I'd do my that a black

38:14

of a do my best thinking by

38:16

myself a slower because I got a

38:18

muslims who like I actually enjoy thinking

38:20

I enjoy I enjoy. Actively

38:23

picking an Id opponents really thinking of

38:25

it's it's own reward. It's a while

38:27

at center said i wanna ah right

38:29

and you're not You're not bed nets

38:31

i your voice over your likes the

38:33

it is when you have like a

38:35

good brain didn't like and it's it's

38:37

fun it's with some says money about

38:39

around or nothing I'm like yeah was

38:41

no to rest I said he gets

38:43

paid to sink Will you think the

38:45

head of the planetarium is Dawn? yeah

38:47

he these. These never

38:49

looks to the telescope. Yes, Just thinking

38:51

of formulation we was like what do you

38:54

think of fear? Rid of So now radical,

38:56

some hello node and aggressors and that appearance.

38:59

But like what do you think? Michio

39:01

Kaku does. He makes all of these

39:03

a money he's He gets paid distinct

39:05

care of of things that can be

39:07

proven. So. When.

39:10

Everything is going to do it in of

39:12

in it is square and office while salaam

39:14

while lab with it when I'm sitting around

39:16

her in the fucking lights have stress I'm

39:18

just plant matter what I'm sit around thinking

39:20

it's not. Nothing gets the have you beat

39:22

yourself up about not feeling connected to people

39:24

cause a lot of these all of your

39:26

blocks are basically. Related.

39:29

To this you know, like they're related

39:31

to. It's. I don't

39:34

fit in completely. I may never

39:36

have a healthy relationship. Brain Noise.

39:39

And. Then I don't know if I

39:41

have a if I'll ever be

39:43

on the right medications. What's them?

39:45

What are you medicating for some?

39:47

Oh man, ours is on where

39:49

they diagnose. They diagnose depression. So

39:51

when I was foster care doctors

39:53

diagnosed with a D H D.

39:56

Can't. Buy an interesting source so every

39:58

chance I could I didn't listen. And

40:00

I didn't accept it. And in

40:02

fact, I never even thought about

40:04

it again until cocaine didn't work

40:06

and then I realized it kept

40:08

not working. He. Was absorbed travel

40:11

hundreds of time Cf thousand no no no

40:13

because every every one that's really in the

40:15

cocaine when you when I tell them that

40:17

out that are at. When I

40:19

say i don't do coke. I

40:22

should have just said that. But. I

40:24

would say oh, doesn't do anything up to me. And.

40:27

That just tells them to go oh

40:29

you a more you have a huge

40:31

advantage there so I've have three or

40:33

four chances that try it's and every

40:35

single person is like know this this

40:38

it. Is. This any that into

40:40

and slayer it's and I found out

40:42

later on. That it's

40:44

because if you were on ritalin as a

40:46

child, I didn't know this until Alec Siegelman

40:48

does a joke about it in his new

40:51

H B O special. I nice was the

40:53

last night's It's every i don't know you

40:55

if you took. Brittle. And

40:57

top Stops Working. It's.

41:00

Insane. What Are They have?

41:02

you on Ritalin? Still know they had you

41:04

on Ritalin? Mary Overland Then Was that the

41:06

right medication? Then. I. Don't know man

41:08

because I lack of every chance I got

41:10

it in tickets and so you didn't take

41:12

the first know I took it but. The

41:15

first the first two weeks.

41:19

That they put me on it. We.

41:21

We go have a good a parent teacher

41:23

conference. Miss. My So's my

41:25

foster mother, my teacher and the gonna

41:27

selfless and. They're. All sitting

41:30

around talking about how they. Noticed.

41:32

A huge change my behavior and

41:34

now the the loss and I

41:36

know that I've been spit not

41:38

pills. So in

41:40

there also around. ah that's funny. I also

41:42

know how congratulate each other very much as

41:44

a so much oh these people are foolish

41:46

shit each and every but the one I'm

41:48

and then the next time I got caught

41:51

spit not the pill. And

41:53

so seats he devised all these different

41:55

ways to make us. Take. Them or

41:57

whatever. Doesn't. Think that are out. I was

41:59

the of. You got a bunch of give us

42:01

all butter mates and that and so she would make us

42:03

all drink that have one foot. She.

42:05

Would have one giant couple of juice

42:07

or water or whatever and then everyone's

42:09

medications lined up. You. Was.

42:12

And then as one female will me my mama

42:14

like have an army dragon off of people you

42:16

know and but you into my office house allows

42:18

makes on the first one and I am sam

42:21

but does our that part the fog I call.

42:24

Seeking. It. Anyways,

42:26

The point is. I

42:29

notice they're awful a shit. What

42:31

was my point? I guess it's their been on

42:33

the right medication or been on are and what he's

42:35

supposed to be. What of a what Are they still

42:37

trading? Floor of A Zombie Limits. Facile

42:39

What all the way through the comedy

42:42

world or would it would have you?

42:44

I end up in a homeless shelter

42:46

in Los Angeles and of Veterans Homeless

42:48

of the Year. This. Is Twenty

42:50

Systems Are you doing to any of this one? At

42:53

this point I'm five years in a comedy. I. Think

42:55

yeah I just left San Diego a move to L

42:57

A. I was homeless within

42:59

weeks. But. Congratulation! Yeah, I

43:02

end up initial, sir. But and

43:04

at this particular shelter, it's specifically

43:06

for veterans. Specifically for Iraq Veterans.

43:10

Ah, And but one of

43:12

their rules like you have to do

43:14

everything that did that. The V A.

43:17

Book. A potluck can possibly do for you.

43:19

You sign up for every program you gotta

43:21

take every med you gotta do everything so

43:24

sit at the in a difference as a

43:26

cheap they keep the meds. kind of like

43:28

thought they keep a minimum thing and you

43:30

have to boat to them the get them

43:32

so they can sign off at you to

43:34

them. And they got a the

43:36

open mouth and you swallowed knowledge I'll yell

43:38

at at all and. Shouted your

43:40

mom for the they found out you're not taking us

43:42

out of here mob and up in the South Africa

43:45

and I say also I think they will bloods as

43:47

you from time to time to him like have used

43:49

to they found a you're not on the meds that

43:51

you prescribed is a real problem. Sir where

43:53

they get shot. Sox Olivier.

43:56

Diagnosed me with depression

43:58

Pts of the. The manifests

44:00

Ptsd or vice versa. Ptsd manifests

44:03

depressed. And

44:05

so they started me all

44:07

whale butera. Which.

44:09

May my heartbeat to pass and then I'm in in

44:11

a put me on. Some. Other

44:13

shit. That made

44:15

me. A fucking zombie. And.

44:18

In they put me own on of once a

44:20

month has been battling that is what may a

44:23

zombie but one of the made me have to

44:25

stop and. Randomly. Shit my

44:27

pants. Been. Like explosion. Like

44:29

Matt. Diarrhea like I don't hold it

44:31

but it would be like. Who.

44:34

Live like the sphincter caught that when at

44:37

the gate like right before he will come

44:39

in like enable just happen random times you

44:41

know and I attained do that of the

44:43

like. I'm almost eight all time death so.

44:46

And. Then they put me on what of

44:48

why they what have a car with

44:50

Ptsd? Fear. Because. I

44:52

have a question about military on the stuff

44:55

I seeing. I think it's one of those

44:57

things. Where did they either? They take your

44:59

symptoms obviously. In your years

45:01

of treatment and then. And

45:04

then if you were ever. In.

45:09

A combat them if they.

45:11

they pretty much. Thought

45:14

about it's almost like they're trying to diagnose

45:16

you would with this was not really Trudeau

45:18

honestly says any one baird not need any

45:20

that it's any one of the V A

45:23

the homeless v I should it. Does anyone

45:25

there like know you just. Did

45:27

not catch a break you give you were is

45:29

or is it like something's the matter? Eat this

45:32

game and it was people if all manner of

45:34

reasons. I mean some people just had addiction problems.

45:37

On some people were literally. Like

45:40

you. Know they had a traumatic brain

45:42

injuries you know what a button schools

45:44

rattled around and a brain. Cells.

45:46

Like some people, literally. You

45:49

know they weren't the person they were

45:51

before they'll and desks. I'm kind of

45:53

of the mind and you can you

45:55

would absolutely no. War

45:57

for Combat. Kind.

45:59

Of. Brakes. Eighty percent

46:02

of the people that participate actively. Yeah.

46:05

I mean, I was never. I was never in

46:08

a firefight. You know that I wasn't. that I

46:10

was in danger. From. In

46:12

this way like they were have these subsidies

46:14

Rpgs over the gate at the i'm at

46:16

the base that people came to the away

46:18

from the carpet. You know me, I'm a

46:20

damning. I'm not is not vacation, it's but

46:22

as for it at the front line death

46:24

look I think. I think combat

46:26

is like money. It

46:28

will highlight and multiply.

46:31

Was. There. You.

46:34

Know I mean there is like if you're

46:36

if you are fragile person. That's

46:39

won't get exposed right. but I'm saying

46:41

if you're a strong person and the

46:43

dude next to get some ahead, I

46:45

don't know, that's. Reveals.

46:47

Something under. I think it's just a

46:49

natural human reaction to seeing. Yeah, I'm

46:51

sure you've I'm sure they told you

46:54

guys. a lot of guys in Com

46:56

A don't even shoot at the enemy.

46:58

You have it. Actually, I hear that.

47:00

I mean I'm l of you saw

47:02

it, but but a lot of that

47:04

data comes from World War Two and

47:06

are drafted right. You know me? my

47:08

real bloodthirsty mother fuckers with the analysts.

47:10

Let's also, I think this is different

47:13

with it's different with Marines. Your

47:15

marine? I was a marine. Yeah there. and

47:17

it's and. Because

47:19

because they since nom because up

47:21

it's one of the stats was

47:24

like eighty percent of the bullets.

47:26

Unarmed Nothing yet. So.

47:29

Since. Then, or first of all,

47:31

mount. Now of

47:33

weapons a issue or three were three

47:35

hours of is when I was and

47:37

they want on your marriage anymore yep

47:39

even when emo but I'm sure like

47:41

now they have these processes that weed.

47:44

People out lie back the neighbors Russian people to

47:46

They need to be one of my last in

47:48

a boot camp as five week's and is it

47:50

like that? Yes but now but multiple how I

47:52

was. it was three months long and. The

47:55

people who you know when you get the firings people.

47:57

You. Know that you see people break down. Klein and.

48:00

That in. A major get they'd

48:02

they'd go back to. Just go yourself out. You

48:04

know, I don't know who the I wasn't in

48:06

combat. I'll have any close friends. Actually, that's not

48:08

true. I have a couple of friends. There were

48:11

five. What my question for you? It's a broad

48:13

question, but the in. How

48:16

did you learn to like. Except

48:19

what you're like, ah, fuck out of the

48:21

have yet. I think I'm just starting to

48:23

do that. Like the medication

48:25

the the sort of. Brain.

48:28

Noise that would help a relationship

48:30

That awful lot of the maids

48:32

because. You know?

48:34

like I said, so. You gotta do that.

48:36

V A they diagnosed me with did he

48:38

have the. Man assessed

48:40

as major major depressive Disorder

48:43

Depth. And.

48:46

I. Know the depression shit is there

48:48

for sure, but. So. They

48:50

switched me to. You

48:52

know, these strong anti depressants and.

48:56

I can handle any at a sad assess. You

48:58

know this is seem a limitless different kinds of

49:00

us and our up A I could never handle

49:02

the side effects and I think but a time

49:04

I got like the seventh one. Ah

49:07

I remember I forget what it did to me

49:09

but I would like I'm done with all his

49:11

and I think I just I just moved out

49:13

here. You. Know and and know and

49:16

robbins going to man just like we

49:18

we it was over we are themselves.

49:20

Get was get was gone to his

49:22

gym every morning workout. I'm a masochist.

49:24

feel great like. Out and I

49:26

me busy. Sauce on taken the the end

49:28

to end up and i felt pretty fucking

49:30

burden them. But

49:33

then split the fuck ups. Oh

49:35

I tried or simply or I

49:37

tried minimum Gyro which is the

49:39

same thing. And. It's

49:41

it's support my pancreas and that

49:43

was I didn't toward special type

49:45

and and honest and and. And

49:48

I remember talking to the doctor and be like

49:50

a man I seems. Like.

49:53

Our image has been in one of those

49:55

mode on of you deal with depression but

49:57

it comes in these. Inaudibly,

50:00

everyone does with depression out but I'm

50:02

so anti Gmo does the disorder. But.

50:05

What of the major depressive disorders? like?

50:07

He just comes? It

50:09

just comes and let way isn't and something

50:11

you never know when it's gonna end and

50:13

that sometimes I can kind of feel it

50:15

coming the the what the way like you

50:18

know sometimes you know you're gonna have a

50:20

headache and three hours it's there are some

50:22

saddam I sit here we go. That

50:25

a masturbate while he works and I realize

50:27

your mom. And I

50:29

realized like i don't I think this it's

50:31

work in an hour know was bulwark like

50:33

because I don't even know what it worked

50:35

in. Feels like that's what are some other

50:38

sort of some explain. To the

50:40

doctor was of always. Honestly I can

50:42

tell you the worst because I've done drugs appealed

50:44

to make me feel different way and and. You

50:47

know? yeah this isn't bad thing about and presents

50:49

There's not like bar in isolated six hundred six

50:51

weeks effects we yes of a I don't know

50:53

if this is a sect of in I don't

50:56

know. I don't think that the upside is better

50:58

than wherever the fuck is going on now because

51:00

I don't know. There's too many things wrong for

51:02

me to know which think it is. And

51:05

I was as. As. I

51:07

feel like. My symptoms

51:10

don't fly. Sit there. And then I pulled the

51:12

battle. The Law did you Diagnosed with. with

51:14

a D H D as a kid.

51:17

but I was just thought it was

51:19

bullshit. But the more look into it

51:21

the more like maybe I that misdiagnosed

51:23

with the depressed or maybe or maybe

51:26

earlier recently recently. Receiving: A

51:28

might just be eighty day. I think the eighty

51:30

be one was accurate. Abducted the princess and for

51:32

you wouldn't take the pills. So my the farm.

51:34

So the thing is I don't know if. I

51:38

don't know if it's a d, if it's. If.

51:41

It's depression, or if it's both, or

51:43

if it's one. Or. Of it's

51:45

like the depression is to others as

51:47

debates exactly that right? And so it's

51:49

that. it's trying to figure it out.

51:52

So. Desperately. That.

51:54

I'm will I'm really I was at but I'm

51:56

at the point that I'm one of the try

51:58

anything yeah you know and. But you know,

52:01

funny as I'll say that to a close

52:03

friend of mine off a name and other

52:05

ahmed I'm on my my wits and I'll

52:07

try anything he's like will you try you

52:09

know, exercising regularly, eating healthy and sleeping at

52:11

a rate real when I target crazy guy

52:14

who I am. So then I started doing

52:16

that and and. It's. Not

52:18

like I'm cured, but I would. I

52:20

do feel like you have to be

52:22

taking care of yourself in all the

52:24

other ways that matter. Because

52:26

because June, whatever the fuck is wrong my mind,

52:29

I'm never going to cure it. The his death

52:31

is not an answer, it's just I have to

52:33

learn how to deal of the men as wave

52:35

with a man is it. Listening to

52:37

you and my been so many the I've like

52:40

you and I respect you. The

52:42

it's you're gonna have to it of what I'm

52:44

cares about is what is your. Is

52:47

a hard being? You? Are you

52:49

shitting yourself? Or you like. Is.

52:52

A pleasant to be you or is it not

52:54

bad pleasant and you're getting through it. Is.

52:57

Both. Is not that

52:59

pleasant. It's chaos.

53:02

It feels chaotic. And

53:05

like you say, I don't derive

53:07

the same enjoyment. From.

53:10

Certain. Thing that I think

53:12

read most most Hilarious and

53:15

so it's also hard to.

53:17

Have to pretend fry gas exhaust and

53:20

so even so when I'm it's like

53:22

that's with upping. Allow my. Actual

53:25

friends don't understand that. Like. Being.

53:28

Around you is exhausting from. Even

53:30

it's a mess you that it's like I'm

53:33

around cause I love you Yep me being

53:35

to me being getting tired been around you

53:37

does. It isn't reflective muffins and it's like

53:39

a me willing to put myself through that.

53:42

Is. Is meet me express in

53:44

love? But I can't. I'm.

53:46

Just exhausted afterwards. You might hear from me for

53:48

couple dates. If it was up to me that

53:50

I wouldn't I would be. I will be by

53:52

myself or few days and then in a rat.

53:55

Yeah. You know, and then and so it's hard

53:57

to explain that people are especially by good. Black

54:00

his relationship. Oh origins yeah.

54:02

I think that's a tough

54:05

one because when I was

54:07

when I was younger, my

54:09

problem with relationships is. That

54:12

I was. Very.

54:17

Fragile. And.

54:19

Very, very desperate to be

54:21

loved because I. Didn't.

54:25

Don't. You dare say, foster care?

54:27

Don't you fucking day Or know?

54:29

Don't you have? No, No, I

54:31

didn't know, I didn't I didn't.

54:33

What? I think I've just

54:36

been walking around with that. Would. That question

54:38

without words to it you normally which

54:40

is that feeling of why doesn't anyone

54:42

want me like what? What? What about

54:44

keeping up in a different house at

54:46

a dinner school with different friends? Why

54:48

my as you know anything will be

54:50

hard. It's hard not to take everything

54:52

personally as a person right, especially that

54:54

it's hard to break out of their

54:56

perspective. The like to get the world

54:58

owes me. You. Know I

55:00

didn't do anything to deserve all of

55:03

this and I had a good I've

55:05

really been the Marine Corps. alleviate a

55:07

meal that what? How are you a

55:10

special. Because no one gave a fuck.

55:12

If I was a funny. Most

55:14

let's Monica's in the were A

55:16

before. the Marine Corps probably seems

55:18

like every one is cared for

55:20

except me. And then

55:23

you end of marine corps and it's

55:25

like no one's care for of wrangling

55:27

you at the foster kid to me.

55:30

So. Like I was surrounded by

55:32

people. Whose obligations were to

55:34

keep me alive and take care

55:36

of me and bird like pretend

55:39

to be my parents, but their

55:41

actual sentiment. You know what they

55:43

have the as like they all act like you're some kind of. You

55:45

some kind of creature that doesn't that

55:47

was ugly. You know the like. they're

55:50

worried, they're worried about you about things

55:52

that they want to discuss with you.

55:54

Whereas like him and in the military

55:56

Me it. It. Was more like

55:58

I'm surrounded by. Who who have

56:01

the same obligations? To. Keep

56:03

me alive at all that, but they don't have

56:05

to pretend like it's more than that. So.

56:07

So it's got it for like. they're like. You.

56:11

Know your. I'm

56:13

here to keep you alive in you

56:15

are here to do a job Jeff

56:18

and I'm gonna always do my part.

56:20

I'm always mix you pay said no

56:22

would be with both it was. You

56:24

know that consistency? that yeah. Yes,

56:27

But. I would say

56:29

one of the it's what I'm

56:31

most your relationships and now because

56:33

as an adult. The

56:36

hardest part. For

56:39

me especially like than the so business

56:41

thing. Is. While.

56:44

It's is is several problems. Much

56:46

the problem my ign is that

56:48

I want closeness so bad but

56:50

I don't think I've ever actually.

56:54

Been close but I don't have. I'm so that

56:56

I'm not comfortable being close to his. Kind of

56:58

like being alone is like I'm way more comfortable

57:00

by myself. But I do watch. I do want

57:02

you to what my company. I want you to

57:05

invite me and I want it but I want

57:07

you to know me well enough. Another another though

57:09

right is is gonna say me like I want

57:11

to be close and intimate and one hundred percent.

57:14

Connected. with somebody but I know how

57:17

to be an and a closer I

57:19

get to with the more uncomfortable lamps.

57:22

Arm and is like and so because

57:24

I was like when you're when you're

57:26

when you're smart kid that is desperate

57:28

for love is like you don't really

57:30

attract love, you attract predators, narcissist and

57:32

people that see you as some of

57:34

that the can easily be taken advantage

57:36

of. A lot of got to do

57:38

with his personal love you and your

57:40

and is like the in that. Best

57:42

thing about I think. Is. Worth

57:44

going to. Predators preyed on own auto mean I

57:46

mean those kind of print out and I I

57:48

but but I mean that. That.

57:52

I mean there are people that will use

57:54

that users get up. There are people that

57:56

you more likely to be taken being sensitive

57:58

mix of will likely. The taken advantage of

58:01

mack. Matt for people

58:03

to send. You know some about being generous makes

58:05

you will likely get robbed. Yeah right is doesn't

58:07

make you will make people want to go almost

58:09

everytime I see Neil he's given hundred dollar bills

58:11

for the homeless. They can go misnomer for the

58:13

right here on a what a fucking right yeah

58:16

and so is that. It's like a more every

58:18

young and emotionally I was that person ever so

58:20

green and to start anybody that so be the

58:22

slightest bit a love I would just drops all

58:24

the defense's you know say about it was able

58:27

yeah it was on was like I had a

58:29

i had us of Fort Knox. flippin'

58:33

Fifties black belt level encryption system

58:35

my here but the but the

58:37

password is five right? Yeah, that

58:40

was his duty. Yeah, is it

58:42

so? So. My papa

58:44

so they met. We've been some adult relationships

58:46

because of like. Yet. Dick but

58:48

beat the but the others. The other side

58:51

of that is. I. Think

58:53

that. Most.

58:57

Women: In. America.

59:00

I love a generalization. Cannot wait! They.

59:02

Are not socialize or condition.

59:05

To like, ah, I require

59:07

the emotional care that a

59:09

woman would. And women

59:11

are not women and American women are

59:13

not run up to provide that. For.

59:16

Men you they they they expect

59:19

from you money to yeah let's

59:21

I'm yeah I'm very soft in

59:23

here and i me and i

59:25

can't deal with accent be would

59:28

woman doesn't recognize that and like

59:30

hair from the like extra aunts

59:32

and i think. The. Way

59:35

American women are taught to

59:37

three. Men that there

59:39

with like once they get a man is

59:41

just not. And I'm us and

59:43

I'm know everyone is a month on Snl.

59:45

Remedy I There are those the sweet sold

59:48

other the usually Mit those we marry Mit

59:50

right? So it's like it's that. It's like.

59:53

Are always run into that problem

59:55

whereas like I need you. Like.

59:59

All the way. I'm eager to

1:00:01

carry everything right now and allows as

1:00:03

they they can't do that you know

1:00:05

may allow. They've never had to do

1:00:07

that the as good as your for

1:00:09

tip our didn't yeah but I think

1:00:11

i honestly I think a certain that

1:00:13

unlocks and you instinctively when is your

1:00:15

key and of course right but if

1:00:18

but when is your main admit yeah

1:00:20

memes emotions are not were like third

1:00:22

class and exactly it's and its likeness.

1:00:24

Glad no one wants to hear People

1:00:26

will listen to your. You

1:00:29

know of my own is how many more muscle

1:00:31

own somebody wants years old? Man fields Wingfield much

1:00:33

people than I live with. His manifesto yeah but

1:00:35

but it as soon as you say I use

1:00:37

the intellect malik. And

1:00:39

so I don't. I

1:00:42

don't know of like him and also I

1:00:44

just think statistically chances are. I'm

1:00:46

not, but I'm or ah, this is

1:00:48

big one. And maybe I'm doing this

1:00:50

in my head. I

1:00:53

tinseth also go for. People

1:00:55

that are fucked up. Because

1:00:58

I always thought subconsciously, I

1:01:00

think. That they can't judge me

1:01:02

for was wrong with me. amount of was robbed

1:01:04

them. right? But dad is a

1:01:06

recipe for disaster as. You.

1:01:09

Know especially I'm forty one. If amazon might

1:01:11

four of I'm a woman A forty one.

1:01:13

The still fucked up in that don't know

1:01:15

to work. Is a single

1:01:17

hobby I don't know was getting at work

1:01:19

of art age of fifty so. It's

1:01:22

is that is the whole combination

1:01:24

of things but also I don't

1:01:26

know if I want. Like

1:01:29

a think I've won a seal since

1:01:31

I'm like the way love feals I

1:01:33

do. I liked the idea of unless

1:01:35

know in the summer out there love

1:01:37

me like that. Bomb.

1:01:39

Went off on me that and up and

1:01:41

I think so many. Of my.

1:01:44

Peers. Older, Younger? What? are?

1:01:46

They have a generational thing. They

1:01:48

see. Like

1:01:51

I forget the do from the do from okay

1:01:53

of the radio said of meet other day but

1:01:55

it's like a. I think

1:01:57

do this. Wanna. Get married and

1:01:59

have kids. Though everyone knows when I get. Yeah.

1:02:02

Running That's part of it isn't people want

1:02:04

to do the thing that culturally that they're

1:02:06

supposed to do what we like.a girl he

1:02:08

has to me is like marriage and in

1:02:10

deep relationships is like this eclipse. always fucking

1:02:12

people you spin it doesn't solve our flights

1:02:15

and sit and Russian I'll hear that to

1:02:17

look at the start was overcast and then

1:02:19

give her over so many half it was

1:02:21

the let's turn it off of these are

1:02:23

guess what is can be people put this

1:02:25

people posting on social media right now more

1:02:27

often. Twenty One Full Eclipse. We didn't miss

1:02:29

style gap and whether that's what that's what

1:02:31

like. Relations As other me, it was like. A

1:02:34

few of my mother, some some political whenever my

1:02:36

mother. It's it's

1:02:38

a go at. articles. Back to that party thing with what

1:02:40

I feel like. And

1:02:43

I hate a general as women may about the

1:02:45

to say the women in my life the women

1:02:47

I've encountered. But. Again is

1:02:49

like I don't think. I

1:02:53

don't think women have to understand

1:02:55

men. Seen

1:02:57

Automates was like what's like every summer to me

1:02:59

like they therefore they don't make an effort to

1:03:01

Avondale know I'm an only women ever only one

1:03:04

of make an effort to understand and roll. On

1:03:06

the other night, I don't think they need. I think

1:03:09

they care about our emotions about Isthmus. We care about

1:03:11

their. Sexual.

1:03:14

Id. Asian? what? babe? how they feel

1:03:16

about sex and like how. Important

1:03:21

it is and how and words colleagues have

1:03:23

I cannot know I know but this an

1:03:25

emotional thing that I have a certain expectations

1:03:27

roar and I would like feel so when

1:03:29

for begins and then afterward and evidence and

1:03:32

words like now. And. That's how they are

1:03:34

with us. like we're like we have season. I know

1:03:36

I Are you going to support me or not? or

1:03:38

you are you gonna be everywhere? Not right. Wanna give

1:03:40

a fuck about all your ship. It will

1:03:42

I need. You to do a

1:03:44

thing. Do. It. Now. That's good

1:03:46

analogy was us special. I have never ever

1:03:49

done one of them a mom. She though

1:03:51

she'll say something to the effect of life.

1:03:54

Or he'd who you who you see in the they

1:03:56

move out of it are just out of or i

1:03:58

ship. In. Office. But. I

1:04:00

think. She's. Picking.

1:04:03

Like me. Or. She's particular

1:04:05

of have another by were put in

1:04:07

the and she's older and sees a

1:04:09

single on what the hell knows a

1:04:11

thing was Ceo is that are more

1:04:13

secrets. But. You know,

1:04:15

she's probably single breath. And.

1:04:19

I. Think. Because.

1:04:23

You. Know the dream for her

1:04:25

was always married seeds yeah stable.

1:04:27

She thinks that that she wants

1:04:30

their for me. Like

1:04:32

to. How else would write it?

1:04:34

But but. but when I tell

1:04:36

her that I don't really like

1:04:38

what what that is, what I'm

1:04:40

sounds like my my, my My

1:04:42

mother talks about marriage and relationships

1:04:44

as though. Like. The

1:04:46

way like like it's somewhere to live. Like

1:04:49

it. If we you can get down you can get

1:04:51

out there you'll get an apartment I heard em down

1:04:53

or unaware only I nose down there so they you

1:04:55

could get has for them when you get when you

1:04:58

touchdown. and my mom i'm living the zan is great

1:05:00

I mean and apartments is also begun will live in

1:05:02

but I'm I'm a i'm a sitcom over the net

1:05:04

applications for you because as if like know mom no

1:05:06

really I'm fine I will I gotta take a leak

1:05:08

but we here's what I want to say for you.

1:05:11

Here's. What his my goal for you. To.

1:05:13

And it's a goal that I

1:05:15

have only recently realized. Accepting.

1:05:19

Who you are, Accepting

1:05:22

what you're actually like, In

1:05:25

the dark. By. Yourself.

1:05:28

What? Are you like? What? Would? What

1:05:30

are your goals? What are your dreams?

1:05:33

Fuck. Whether bear the most

1:05:35

common dream? Whether they're them

1:05:37

the most accepted dream where

1:05:39

their votes, the shared cultural

1:05:41

dream and accepting. What

1:05:44

yours are who you are

1:05:46

and feeling good about yourself

1:05:48

within that. That's

1:05:50

my goal for you. The

1:05:54

evidence as a lofty goals. I

1:05:58

get Saddam has been. Do you know anyone? It's. The

1:06:00

I just reached the wow yeah.

1:06:04

Peace. Noom.

1:06:10

Close. Close.

1:06:13

Except self acceptance to self acceptance

1:06:15

like this one of my it's

1:06:17

pretty good. I'm gonna.

1:06:19

I'm going to service this. I'm

1:06:22

not going to be like we about the i'm not going

1:06:24

to yeah but you'd art type know. Pretty

1:06:27

good. Time

1:06:30

and I give it to you. By.

1:06:33

Putting hands on gas prices and everybody

1:06:35

rides his lox live in the Mothership

1:06:37

on Netflix one of Lakes and of

1:06:39

course they're going for get Lax on

1:06:42

F X Ray. My hum, that's I

1:06:44

can agree to get on Netflix.