0:00

Today's podcast is about lessons from

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sports and life failing a partner

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and overcoming pressure . I'm going to

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open this episode with a quote from LeBron

0:08

James . I hate letting my teammates

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down . I know I'm not going to make every

0:13

shot . Sometimes I try to make the right

0:15

play and if it results in a loss I

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feel awful . I don't feel awful

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because I have to answer questions about it . I

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feel awful in that locker room because

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I could have done something more to help my teammates

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win . Have you ever been

0:28

in an athletic competition where

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your teammates depended on you and

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you failed , where you expected to perform

0:35

under pressure but you didn't ? Letting

0:37

a partner down in athletic competition

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is probably one of the worst feelings

0:41

I've ever experienced personally . In sports

0:44

, those losses sting and

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linger much longer than any other types

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of wins or accomplishments ever do

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for me . Of course , i realize that success isn't always

0:52

possible and any athlete , whether

0:55

recreational or serious , understands that

0:57

you have to shrug off your failures and move

0:59

on to the next challenge . And certainly

1:01

over the years I've learned to take my losses

1:03

in stride . But it's one thing to fail

1:05

all by yourself when you

1:07

are unable to accomplish your own goals

1:09

. For me , it's different when someone

1:12

is depending on you to perform in the

1:14

moment , and if you can't come through

1:16

for them especially when you know you should

1:18

have , at least for me those

1:20

moments are harder to forget . This

1:23

podcast idea came up because I played in a golf

1:25

tournament a couple weeks ago and , to

1:27

cut to the chase on the last day

1:29

, i failed my partner miserably

1:31

, and that experience actually reminded

1:33

me of another competition , a local

1:35

CrossFit competition that I did a couple

1:38

years ago , where I also failed

1:40

my partner miserably , and

1:42

so I wanted to talk about why I failed , how

1:44

I felt about it and what I decided

1:46

to do about it . Also , i'm

1:48

soliciting advice . If you have any good advice

1:51

for me , i'd be glad to hear it Now . To

1:53

open , i never play golf . I've

1:55

maybe played five rounds in the past 10

1:57

years , but I did play some in high

1:59

school , so I know a little bit about the game . This

2:01

particular golf tournament was over three days . The

2:04

golfers were split into two teams and you had

2:06

a different team golf partner every day , so

2:09

you and your partner competed against two other

2:11

golfers from the other team . The

2:13

first day was a scramble format where

2:15

you and your partner would each hit a ball

2:17

and then you would choose the best

2:20

hit ball and then both partners would

2:22

hit again from that best ball location

2:24

. And as a very inconsistent

2:26

golfer , to say the least , this format

2:28

relieved a lot of pressure off of me

2:30

. I didn't have to worry that my poor shot would necessarily

2:33

hurt us , as long as my partner hit

2:35

a better ball than me , which almost always

2:38

happened . I was paired with a really good

2:40

golfer and he basically carried

2:42

us to an easy win . I hit a ton of awful

2:44

shots , but it didn't matter much

2:46

, and a couple times I was even able

2:49

to make a putter too . To help our team

2:51

On the second day , the format for the tournament

2:53

was best ball . In this format

2:56

, you and your partner each play your own

2:58

ball and you get your own scores for

3:00

each hole . You take the best score

3:02

between you and your partner and

3:04

you match it up against the best score for

3:06

the other team . Again , this was

3:08

a relatively pressure-free format

3:10

for me . My partner was a good golfer

3:13

and I was actually able to help

3:15

for a few holes , because my handicap

3:17

was so high that the number

3:19

of strokes they gave me actually allowed

3:21

me to tie or win a hole or

3:23

two . Now , on the last day

3:26

we played an alternate shot

3:28

format In this situation

3:30

. Both golfers tee off and

3:33

then you choose one of the tee shots

3:35

. Then each golf partner

3:37

alternates hitting the ball . So

3:39

, for example , if my partner , bill , and I each

3:41

hit a tee shot and Bill's shot

3:44

was better than mine , i would then have

3:46

to hit the next shot from

3:48

Bill's tee shot . Then

3:50

Bill would have to hit the next ball wherever I

3:52

hit the ball , and then we would keep alternating

3:55

until we put the ball into the hole . And

3:57

this is where the pressure cooker started

3:59

. Having my partner would have to

4:01

play my ball wherever it

4:03

landed . That stress started

4:06

to get to me as we continued to play . The

4:08

first couple holes were not too bad . I was paired

4:10

again with a great golfer and I managed

4:13

to hit a couple decent shots at first and

4:15

we were actually tied versus the other

4:17

two golfers going up until the ninth hole . But

4:20

after that the wheels came off for me . I

4:22

hit two shots in a row where I topped

4:24

the ball and it would roll maybe 10 or 15

4:26

feet . My partner was very patient

4:28

, but I realized what a burden I

4:30

was becoming with every miss-hit ball

4:33

. When my confidence started to plummet

4:35

, i got into my own head and I tensed

4:37

up every time I hit . There were two

4:39

putts that I needed to put at least close

4:41

to the hole so that my partner could sink them , and

4:44

I left him with six foot plus putts

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instead of the one to two feet

4:48

that I needed to give him . So , not surprisingly

4:51

, we ended up losing with about three holes left

4:53

. My partner was very gracious

4:55

and patient but of course everyone

4:57

who plays in a tournament has a competitive mindset

4:59

and it was obvious . Had I not folded

5:01

under pressure , we could have pulled it off . This

5:04

nod at me for a couple days Again . It's

5:06

such an awful feeling to have known you could

5:08

have done better , but your nerves

5:10

and lack of grace under pressure did you

5:12

in This golfing failure

5:14

reminded me vividly of a similar

5:16

time . A couple years ago I signed

5:18

up for a local CrossFit competition with

5:21

a very fit partner And from what

5:23

I remember , the competition was three

5:25

or four events over the course

5:28

of a weekend morning and there were competitors

5:30

from all over New Jersey . We were doing really

5:32

well in our division . To start , there

5:34

was one workout with sandbags over shoulders

5:37

that really put us into contention . I

5:39

remember we had practiced that one beforehand because

5:42

it felt really awkward to wrap

5:44

your arms around the sandbag and

5:46

pick it up and throw it over your shoulder . But

5:48

in competition we did much better than expected

5:50

, especially my partner , where

5:53

the sandbag was nearly as heavy as she

5:55

was . By the time we got to the last

5:57

workout of the day , we were neck and neck

5:59

with another team for third place . The

6:01

top three teams would go on to

6:03

do a last , final playoff workout

6:06

that would determine the winner . This

6:08

last workout itself I don't specifically

6:11

remember , except for the fact that it included

6:13

double unders . Double unders is a jump

6:15

rope movement where you pass the jump rope twice

6:17

under your feet each time . Now

6:19

, back then , at the time , i was

6:22

relatively decent , but not awesome

6:24

, at double unders , but I wasn't

6:26

overly worried . So when the workout

6:28

started , i felt that we were ready

6:30

to do well And again , as always

6:32

, at the beginning things went smoothly . But

6:34

as the number of double unders started increasing

6:37

, i started to trip up on the jump rope more

6:39

and more , and my partner couldn't do

6:41

anything but watch and wait for her turn

6:43

as I kept tripping up . A crowd of

6:45

athletes from my gym were cheering me on , but

6:47

they grew quiet as I kept stumbling and

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whipping myself with the rope . It was

6:52

exactly how I imagined my worst

6:54

CrossFit nightmare would be . And

6:57

finally , after an eternity , the workout

6:59

was done . It turned out that

7:02

if I had done even half decent

7:04

on that workout , we would have beaten the

7:06

other team for third place and we would have

7:08

gone on to the playoff workout . But

7:10

my abysmal performance meant

7:12

all I could do was apologize

7:14

to my gracious partner and feel

7:16

awful that I let her down after her

7:19

amazing performances that day , and

7:21

we sat there and watched as the other three teams

7:23

competed for the podium . So

7:26

here's another example where I self-destructed

7:28

, taking down a partner . In one case

7:30

it was golfing , in another case it

7:32

was a CrossFit competition . So after

7:34

this , i was thinking are there any lessons

7:36

that I could take away from these two awful

7:39

moments ? Well , let's

7:41

look at the obvious ones . Number one I

7:43

should have practiced more . I should have practiced

7:45

golf and I should have practiced double unders . Yes

7:48

, obviously to both . Now

7:50

, in regards to double unders , there was no excuse

7:53

. I was just overconfident

7:55

in my ability . For me , double unders

7:57

is more of a rhythm and skill challenge

7:59

than it is testing aerobic capacity

8:01

. Learning that rhythm and skill of double

8:03

unders was a challenge for me initially , and it took

8:05

me six months to learn how to

8:08

do them , and I should have

8:10

realized that the ability to do them isn't

8:12

always rock solid . When I get

8:14

nervous , i start going too fast on the jump

8:16

rope and then everything breaks down . And

8:18

that's exactly what happened in the competition , even

8:22

though it looks ridiculous . To this

8:24

day , i pull out two jump ropes

8:26

every time I do double unders . I

8:29

have a longer rope which I warm up with

8:31

to force myself to slow down

8:33

, and then , when it comes to

8:35

the workout , i switch to the shorter

8:37

jump rope but still remind myself

8:39

to keep that slower and steadier rhythm . So

8:42

I guess the one bright point that I have

8:44

from this double under fiasco is that I never

8:46

have had a major problem again

8:48

with double unders and I learned my lesson

8:50

. So for golf it's

8:52

a different story . I don't love golf

8:55

the way some athletes do . It's enjoyable

8:57

, but it takes a ton of time . To

8:59

practice and play 18 holes

9:01

, as you know , is a four or five hour endeavor , and

9:04

to perfect your swing takes many , many repetitions

9:07

and practice . And to me , at

9:09

the end of the day , i'm not sure what

9:11

benefit I would be getting from practicing golf

9:13

so much . At least with CrossFit I

9:15

know I'm getting fitter . I suppose

9:18

golf is better than no exercise at all , but

9:20

there's a lot more in my life that I prioritize

9:22

than practicing golf . But then that puts

9:25

me in a little bit of a dilemma . If I don't

9:27

want to practice , then I should expect

9:29

that I won't play well , or at least consistently

9:32

well . But then every time there's a golf

9:34

outing or a tournament where I'm playing with a partner

9:36

, i may let them down again . So

9:39

do I just continue to expect that I'll do poorly

9:41

? Do I just avoid golfing altogether

9:44

? How much practice would I need

9:46

in order for me not to implode on the golf

9:48

course ? I don't know the answer to

9:50

these questions and I'm still processing

9:52

it . I'll let you know once I figure

9:54

it out , but I'll take any advice

9:56

that anyone gives . My second

9:59

takeaway from these experiences is

10:01

that I truly believe there is a competitive

10:03

mindset which can be , and

10:06

needs to be practiced . That is

10:08

the ability to shut out distractions

10:10

, stay focused and to perform under pressure

10:12

. And this competitive mindset is

10:15

useful in sports , life , work

10:17

you name it . In CrossFit

10:19

I've learned a lot about maintaining a competitive

10:22

mindset , but that's only come

10:24

through a lot of practice . I've

10:26

had 10 years of open workouts , quarterfinal

10:29

workouts , local competitions , our gyms

10:31

, intramural competitions , even

10:34

everyday workouts . There have been many

10:36

opportunities for me to learn how to dig deeper

10:38

within myself , how to focus at

10:40

the task at hand and execute as

10:43

well as I can in pressure situations

10:45

, and so this jump rope failure

10:47

was just one of many learning experiences

10:49

in CrossFit for me . Now , in

10:51

golf , the mindset is completely

10:54

different , in that you have all the

10:56

time in the world to think , versus

10:58

CrossFit , where you have no time at

11:00

all . In CrossFit , the workouts are

11:02

quick and frantic . It's hydrenaline

11:04

and fast movements . There's almost no

11:06

time to think , and a lot of it

11:08

is really about going to a dark place

11:11

and staying there for as long as you can

11:13

. In golf , you have a

11:15

seeming eternity before every

11:17

shot where you can overthink what you're

11:19

doing , have every negative straight

11:21

thought , freeze up and lock your muscles . Performance

11:24

pressure in golf is about keeping the right

11:26

thoughts in your head , relaxing and clearing

11:29

the stress and allowing yourself the ability

11:31

to execute each shot properly . And

11:34

again , learning this skill does take

11:36

time and repetitions for most athletes . As

11:38

much as I tried to find that performance

11:40

mindset on the golf course , my

11:43

negativity overwhelmed

11:45

me when I realized I didn't have enough in my

11:47

golf game to trust when I needed to execute

11:49

. And again , if I want to do better

11:51

, i'd have to practice a lot more . The

11:54

last thing that I could take away from this is

11:57

that I need to realize that nobody

11:59

really cares if I succeed or fail . The

12:01

only person that all this really matters for

12:04

is me . There's a t-shirt saying

12:06

that I see a lot . It says nobody

12:08

cares try harder . Successful

12:10

people fail A lot . Like

12:13

LeBron James said , he hates letting his

12:15

teammates down , but if he does , i'm

12:17

sure he moves on to the next play . The

12:20

pass is over . Next shot , next

12:22

workout , keep moving forward . Both

12:24

my partners are probably way past thinking

12:27

about these failures which I keep obsessing

12:29

over . They probably don't even remember

12:31

what happened , or at least I really hope

12:33

that they don't , and I admit I'm

12:35

using this podcast to try to stick a fork

12:37

in these memories , process them and

12:39

to move on , because I know that's what successful

12:42

people do . So at this point , after

12:44

doing a post-mortem on my performances

12:46

on the golf course and in the gym , i

12:49

realize there's never any substitute

12:51

for practice . I'm not talented

12:53

enough to get by on innate skill or talent

12:56

on just about anything , and if I care

12:58

about a competitive activity , i

13:00

know I'll have to practice it , or maybe

13:02

I should be focusing on it

13:04

at all . I know developing a

13:06

performance mindset takes time And

13:09

there are different types of performance mindsets

13:11

for different activities . And

13:13

standing over a putt for two minutes is

13:16

way different than trying to grind

13:18

out a few more burpees or

13:20

hit a max clean and jerk . And

13:22

lastly , i know I should probably take a

13:24

little bit of a lighter touch if I

13:26

don't perform as well as I would like in

13:28

a competitive setting with a partner . Being

13:31

a grouch brings down those around

13:33

me when these are supposed to be fun

13:35

and enjoyable activities . I

13:37

have now given myself a future rule where

13:40

I will apologize once to my partner

13:42

if I don't do as well as I had hoped , and

13:44

then to let it go as best as I can . Have

13:47

you ever competed with a partner and not done

13:49

as well as you hoped , whether it be golf

13:51

, crossfit , another sport

13:53

, anything ? What do you do

13:55

to maintain that performance mindset ? Any

13:58

advice , guidance or

14:00

your thoughts are welcomed . So

14:02

this week's thankful is the Be

14:04

Real app . Be Real

14:06

is a social media app for smartphones . Now

14:09

it may seem weird that I would be thankful

14:11

for a smartphone app , especially

14:13

a social media app , when they seem to

14:15

be taking too much of our attention these days . But

14:18

this app , be Real , has helped me

14:20

connect better with my family and close friends . So

14:23

Be Real notifies you once a day that

14:26

you have two minutes . In that two

14:28

minute period , you take a picture . That

14:30

picture includes a selfie and a

14:32

simultaneous forward-facing picture , and

14:35

then the app posts that and

14:37

sends it to your friends . It happens

14:39

once a day . After it's done , no

14:41

more posts . If you don't make it within

14:44

that two minute period and you post late , you

14:46

can still take that picture , but your

14:48

friends will know at what time you posted

14:51

it . So the goal of the app is

14:53

to see an unfiltered , spontaneous

14:55

glimpse of what you're doing every day and

14:57

then share it with others . This is the opposite

15:00

of most social media apps , where

15:02

the pictures are very curated and everything

15:04

is very calculated . I started

15:06

the Be Real app just with my kids in

15:08

the hopes that I would see what they were doing every

15:10

day and they could see what I was doing every

15:12

day and we could connect . Unfortunately

15:15

, they ended up adding a lot of their casual

15:18

high school friends to the app , which meant

15:20

they started to become reluctant to post

15:22

pictures where they weren't looking their best

15:24

And they stopped using Be Real pretty

15:27

quickly . In any case , their high school

15:29

generation seems to prefer Snap

15:31

, which they use an unholy amount

15:33

. As far as I can tell , their Snap

15:35

notifications on their phone seem to go off every

15:37

10 seconds . But the unexpected

15:39

bright side to the Be Real app is that my

15:42

other relatives , including my nephew in college

15:44

and my brother who lives in Ohio , both

15:47

friended me on Be Real and they post

15:49

pretty timely . I also try to post

15:51

as timely as I can , except when I'm at work

15:53

, so this way we get to see a little

15:56

bit of each other's lives every day . Most

15:58

of the time it's pretty boring stuff eating

16:01

, watching TV , maybe studying

16:03

or working at the office , playing

16:05

video games , lying in bed , stuff

16:08

that we wouldn't want the whole world to see the

16:11

little parts of our lives that make me

16:13

feel closer to them . Most

16:15

of us overuse social media apps and

16:18

they can definitely be unhealthy , but

16:20

sometimes the power to connect us can

16:22

be great . If you have a social media

16:24

app that you find really helpful for

16:27

connecting to people and it isn't Facebook

16:29

, instagram or Snap , let me know . Dm

16:32

me at Botox and Burpees podcast on Instagram

16:34

or leave a comment at youtubecom

16:36

. Slash at Botox and Burpees And

16:39

don't forget to like and subscribe wherever

16:41

you get this podcast . Thank you .