0:00

It's bonus part 252. You

0:03

enter the John Lewis. It's a

0:06

new John Lewis that's opened in

0:08

your town and you're so

0:10

excited. You and your town never thought there'd

0:12

be a John Lewis here. And

0:14

it's the grand opening and

0:16

everyone's gathered outside and

0:19

open up, open up, open up, open

0:22

up. People are knocking on the glass

0:24

door. Open

0:26

up and you're there. You're kind of getting

0:28

squished in the crowd. You are excited about

0:30

it too, but not this excited. Right. Open

0:32

up, open up, open up. And

0:35

then the security

0:38

guard looks at his watch and he

0:40

sees that it's time to open and he opens the door.

0:43

And the

0:45

crowd goes, open up. And the second he opens

0:47

the door, they go quiet and

0:50

their arms just drop to their sides and

0:52

they turn around and they walk away.

0:56

Silently, you just hear, as

1:00

everyone walks away from John Lewis and

1:02

you go, what the hell? And

1:05

the smell comes out of John Lewis's beautiful,

1:07

sweet smells. It's the nicest smell you've ever

1:10

smelled. And you're almost carried in to the

1:12

John Lewis by the sweet aroma. And

1:14

you go, oh, I guess I'll check out the

1:17

new John Lewis. And

1:19

you enter in and

1:22

you're straight into the perfume area

1:24

and smiling ladies in lab, those

1:26

kind of doctor lab coats that

1:28

they have. They go, they

1:30

nod at you. They say, welcome, pot

1:32

bud. Welcome to the new John Lewis.

1:35

And you wave at them so dreamy. Thank

1:37

you. And you walk on

1:39

into the main lobby area, concourse. And

1:42

that's where the bank of escalators

1:44

are. And they're snaking up

1:46

the building, the various floors. And you

1:49

look at the directory and it says,

1:51

you know, ground floor perfumey

1:53

things. And then first

1:57

floor giblets.

2:01

Second floor leaves,

2:04

third floor hard

2:08

stuff, fourth

2:10

floor peaking

2:15

chairs, chairs from peaking,

2:18

fifth floor it just

2:20

says Podbutt

2:22

accessories and you go

2:25

huh Podbutt accessories, I'm Podbutt you

2:27

get on the escalator and you go up through all the

2:29

floors and you see the floor of leaves

2:32

is the most incredible one because

2:34

it is just leaves covering the

2:36

whole, there's no separation, there's no

2:38

aisles or shelves, it's just leaves

2:40

on the ground, brown,

2:44

green, pine, oak,

2:47

willow, maple, just leaves

2:49

and look at you think well you

2:51

just help yourself and you keep

2:54

going up, up, up, you see all

2:56

the peaking chairs and all, they're just chairs

2:58

but they're red and you go up more,

3:00

more, more and you go to the top

3:03

floor, you go to the floor that was

3:05

Podbutt accessories and you

3:07

get up there and it's empty, empty

3:09

floor, white floor and in

3:11

the distance of this whiteness you just

3:14

see a single table, a small table

3:16

with a pair of headphones suspended on

3:18

them, kind

3:21

of like Apple story and you go, oh, and

3:24

you walk, and you pick up the headphones

3:27

and you look around there's

3:30

no one around and you

3:33

look at the price, the little plastic thing that has a

3:35

price on it and

3:37

it says £2, wow

3:40

cool and you put on the headphones

3:44

and you listen and it's full in Pierre and

3:47

they're doing the best ever episode of

3:49

Budpot, they're

3:52

talking about poop, they're talking about gilded

3:54

cages, they're doing

3:56

some new stuff, they're doing some

3:58

hot takes and you know, you're laughing at

4:00

ahhhhh ahhhhh you're on the

4:03

ground you're holding your belly ahhhhh you're laughing

4:05

so much it's the best spot to start

4:07

a video and all for two pounds you

4:09

think I can't believe this I'm gonna get

4:12

these headphones right now and you get back

4:14

up and you look again the price tag

4:18

and as you say I'll take them out loud

4:20

you look at the price tag and

4:22

it says this pound symbol and then you're

4:25

live and you

4:27

go what no I don't take them

4:29

I don't but then you're rushed by

4:31

John Lewis employees who grab you and

4:33

tear you to pieces with their bare

4:35

hands and you go to heaven and

4:37

there's philanthropy and

4:40

they say was it really worth it? was

4:44

it really worth your life? and

4:47

you go it was a damn good episode

4:50

welcome to bonus bar I

4:53

don't know then if you and I are

4:55

dead there or I guess we're angels I think

4:57

we're angels we're

5:00

not of this plane anymore no

5:02

no we're in podcast heaven yes

5:05

what else is in podcast heaven? all

5:10

the meals that have ever been on off

5:12

menu yeah a library

5:16

of pornos written by dads yes

5:21

my dad wrote a porno god the

5:23

OG the true killer

5:25

of the person in the first

5:28

episode of serial whoever

5:31

they are and what

5:34

else would be in podcast heaven? Ricky

5:37

Gervais Ricky Gervais

5:41

he's slapping his knees as you

5:43

reach the gate heaven's

5:46

stupid heaven's

5:48

for stupid mongs that's what he'd say

5:54

oh what other podcasts do people even listen

5:57

to? lots of lots of unsolved murders

5:59

I guess Yeah, yeah, people love

6:01

it. We're anti-murders. We're serial killers, yeah.

6:04

We're anti-murders Phil, never forget it. Solves

6:07

are unsolved. We don't like them any

6:11

better if they're unsolved or solved. Them

6:14

being solved is small

6:16

consolation. Yeah. Because

6:19

murder happened and that's all we really care about. Doesn't

6:22

seem to occur to these people. Speaking of,

6:24

yeah, I've just started watching through

6:27

my girlfriend's recommendation, Twin Peaks. I've seen

6:29

Twin Peaks. Yes, oh wow, you're watching

6:32

it. Yeah, I love it. I think

6:34

it's so good. It's not actually as

6:36

weird as I thought it was. People

6:38

keep going, oh it's so weird. It's

6:40

weird because it's unsettling and the weirdness

6:42

is like all

6:45

the way through. Like

6:48

everything is a bit odd as opposed to there

6:50

being sudden one big weird thing. Okay, yeah. Although

6:52

there are a couple of those.

6:55

I guess, and especially if you watch

6:57

it in 1990, you're like what the

6:59

fuck? Because now I've seen Sopranos, I've

7:02

seen Fargo, the series. I'm quite prepared

7:04

for... This is it, you're watching

7:06

the original. Yeah, the one that's not as it all.

7:09

But it's so good and odd. And what I

7:11

find odd about it is I can't tell whether

7:13

it's taking itself seriously or not. Sometimes

7:16

it's quite goofy, sometimes it seems

7:18

to be parodying itself. Well it's

7:20

definitely parodying like days

7:23

of our lives. It uses

7:25

sort of this kind of

7:27

smoky camera lens and sort

7:29

of hyper dramatic

7:32

music things that are very

7:36

soap opera-y. Yeah, watch a clip of

7:38

Days of Our Lives on YouTube and it's like, oh

7:40

it's like watching a Richard Maidley clip when you've seen

7:42

Alan Partridge. You know, you go, oh

7:44

this is it. It's not as

7:46

pure, but this is it. Someone

7:50

looks out a window in a dramatic way. Loads

7:53

of synths and... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's mad.

7:55

Are you enjoying it? I really am enjoying

7:57

it and I'll finally get a reference from

7:59

the... Simpsons. This is what growing up is. You watch

8:01

things and you're like, oh, that's what the

8:04

Simpsons are referring to. That'd be a good

8:06

bit. Growing up is finally knocking down all

8:08

those Simpsons references. Yeah, because there's a famous

8:10

dream sequence in print peaks with

8:14

all the red curtains. The

8:16

black lodge. Yeah, and

8:19

it's done in the Simpsons where

8:21

Lisa gives Chief Wiggum a clue,

8:24

but it's in the same... because they filmed it

8:27

backwards, and so everyone sounds quite strange. They're

8:29

going like, if

8:31

you enter the

8:33

room, and Lisa's going,

8:35

Chief Wiggum? It's

8:38

very funny. I finally get this.

8:40

I was laughing a lot watching it. And she's basically going like,

8:42

Burns. Yeah, suit. This

8:44

suit burns better. This suit burns

8:46

better. Huh? This is a Burns.

8:48

This is Burns' suit. This

8:52

is Burns' suit, yeah. Oh

8:55

man. And also there's a bit of the Simpsons

8:57

where they literally watch Twin Peaks. And

9:00

it's a guy waltzing with a unicorn under a traffic light

9:02

that keeps changing. Oh yeah, that's it. And

9:06

Homer's like, what the hell's going on? I don't know

9:08

what the hell's going on, and I love it, or

9:10

something like that. Yeah. Yeah,

9:12

yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh no, it is good. It's

9:15

real good. I like weird

9:17

stuff. I like it. I like weird stuff. That's

9:20

my hot take. Not enough stuff is weird anymore. Do

9:23

you think? I think the internet is making things

9:25

weirder. Yeah, but that's like

9:27

raw weird. That's like foraging for

9:29

mushrooms. Yeah, you're right. I want the mushrooms in

9:31

the supermarket to be slightly weirder. You want them?

9:34

I mean, that is what I liked so much

9:36

about Barbie, the movie, was that, you know, it

9:40

was, you know, in its way very corporate, but

9:42

also in its very, very weird. They didn't let

9:45

them be weird about it. Yeah. I

9:47

think it's cool that one of the funniest, that the

9:49

funniest line in it was Ryan Gosling getting behind a

9:51

column and just going, sublime! I just,

9:53

I think that's correct. It's

9:55

very, very weird. Yeah, and sublime is

9:57

a good word. Yeah. Did

10:00

have been to takes. And. The just

10:02

all thought sublime. The funniest. Yeah.

10:05

Most surely. Yeah, There's no way they're

10:07

a sublime in the script professor sent

10:09

away. Yeah, how

10:11

do we make things? We're the. The.

10:14

Trouble is A if you make things, where do you make less

10:16

money? Often that is true.

10:18

Raise it for once. You're making Bobby, You

10:21

know that Over. The. Hordes are

10:23

going to show up so you you can go.

10:25

Well now that we know we've got the hordes

10:27

attention. But. In

10:29

weird stuff has. In. Undisc year

10:31

we I'm honestly to get a cult followings.

10:34

It's weird yeah but a non weird stuff

10:36

is little more expendable. True. But

10:38

you need it. You only get a cult following is that people

10:40

see it. If

10:43

you makes me really weird and ten people

10:45

say that not cult following a sister, failure

10:47

of a hobby or just a cult yes

10:49

yes as his account as or ultimate cult

10:52

following successor yeah I see ya ya ya

10:54

spicy take his the things the to be

10:56

weird ass I his my my macro spicy

10:58

take I think. They. Should bring

11:01

back an element of that kind of

11:03

seventies and eighties. There are only three

11:05

Tv channels paternalistic attitude where they're just

11:07

like, well there's going to be a

11:09

three hour show about philosophy because that's

11:11

good for people. A. Second,

11:13

think reflects isn't with of this

11:15

never going to happen again then

11:18

never will never have just three

11:20

sounds. And. Yeah for something on it. Know

11:22

it's never going to happen ever again. Ever

11:25

and will. They'll either be always like

11:27

this. A million channels on know channels

11:29

because of the wall. Oh

11:32

yes, you might be conscripted. Yeah, oh

11:34

yeah, they got some retired general he

11:36

said citizen army and ever and panicked

11:38

against. The. Against the have any

11:41

conscripted they don't even I'm of guns for the

11:43

actual almond successes scare hear that can have as

11:45

much worse. Ah the no guns. I am Russia

11:47

style we can be thrown sticks to them. Soviet

11:49

Union saw the man been front of you has

11:51

a gun and you get a load of him.

11:54

By. I thought I thought the Uk

11:56

had a thriving weapons manufacturing industry. Yeah,

11:58

but Us or like. One amazing

12:01

jet. Oh. That's why

12:03

they industry they say like the

12:05

industry of manufacturing arms and the

12:07

Uk worth ten trillion pounds and

12:09

go wow objects cost one trillion

12:11

bath we make ten a year

12:13

in. It's

12:15

not like it has a trillion pound Ak,

12:18

forty seven and history or like we make

12:20

fifty a minute just part of our lives

12:22

ever and gets my babies. Go on. Yeah,

12:24

no, it's like high end tech weapons. So

12:28

there's a world war. That's a cool but. I'm

12:30

going to get you in mere rifle. No. No.

12:33

Would you move? Where do you think we'd end

12:36

up? If even if we dig a good conscripted?

12:38

I'm like something casino in in an office I

12:40

think we're pretty onset an old. For

12:43

the muslim populations. Are pretty

12:45

old. Yeah I think they'd be like wow

12:47

You guys are not very set. of

12:50

your you go and engineering degree me and

12:52

then immediately puts you in a different country

12:55

to me. Oh yeah, So

12:57

verbal they they might have something engineer easy to do.

13:00

So to thing I see be confident that even if

13:02

we even if even even if we did go to

13:04

war I wouldn't be boots on the ground. On

13:07

what but engineers and can be and up

13:09

on the field. yeah sometimes they might want

13:11

your help building a blood of defenses or

13:13

something knob. I have to say I don't

13:16

really the Uk, the Cambridge degrees more theoretical

13:18

and press and Seventy three works with like

13:20

engines and things. I

13:22

did one never then you could be

13:24

in effect say that Felix ah, one

13:26

of the Spitfire and and go Yes,

13:28

I'll manage to the factory ssssss a

13:30

project manager allows supervise I'm just what

13:32

depends how bad the war as if

13:34

it's as if it's bad enough of

13:36

they. Go without a care, bass many more or

13:38

hay fever? Yeah, and I'm in trouble. But

13:42

I dunno maybe I can be say to them like

13:44

I'm very I'm a huge nerd. I like looking through.

13:46

Hundreds of a images to look for

13:48

enemies. Oh like a was only

13:51

yeah with high stakes was wanting to high

13:53

stakes was one way or the just go.

13:55

Yeah well whatever you have to go be

13:57

in a worn out okay. I.

14:00

Would almost feel like that. that would like My

14:02

god I grew up around people who were conscripted

14:05

and center will. South

14:07

Africa? Yeah, yeah. Not. Loads

14:09

One, Nine Eleven. And Girl and

14:11

More Border war. And

14:14

conscription yeah and the it was like a

14:16

set of pointless Vietnam salvo so wasn't even

14:18

like a cool was what he will reverence

14:20

like thank god we did that. make one

14:22

of those ones where it's like oh ever

14:24

listening to really like downbeat rock and roll

14:26

now because of of how the like harrowing

14:28

pointless cold war. More. What

14:32

is it? Did my thing in the B B

14:35

bomb making law noises, novels or three. Which.

14:38

He was the premise bomb if you're the

14:40

Cold War Two to me. Yeah.

14:43

It's Cold War Two Electric Boogaloo Here

14:45

is a it's it's it's proxy hot

14:47

laws and it's proxy Out was for

14:49

the sexiest been go for the Powers

14:51

on fighting. The main power finding is

14:54

that proxy wars. they kind of fighting

14:56

in the most pathetic i'm in Iran

14:58

and America a bombing each other. Yeah,

15:00

but they sort of saying no, it

15:02

was a militia and now the other

15:05

malicious going to. Oh yeah, it's just

15:07

like these declined each other's balls to

15:09

please others. Bulls will load. Kendall labeled

15:11

Melissa. I'm not touching

15:14

his balls. Can is Ryan's a

15:16

cab? A? You're controlling? Can. Now

15:18

I'm just helping him. Yes,

15:21

I mean. It's. Because it's

15:23

just like everyone so invested in not

15:25

exploding. Yes, It's

15:27

such a problem too. I think in the Ukraine

15:29

thing is part of that where it's just like.

15:32

Okay, you are trying to take. A.

15:35

Load of of like mostly empty

15:37

land that has mining resources. From.

15:40

One of the poorest and least develop European countries,

15:42

and it's still a nightmare. And

15:45

it's so expensive and so many people are

15:47

dead. The and the so many sanctions and

15:49

assists it's how not. Worth it. Yeah.

15:53

The. Days of being able to just show up in the like, This.

15:56

Is called Zimbabwe and it's mine. Like

15:58

you can't do that. Taking

16:01

land is just this. It's like junk by chunk. It's

16:03

like a. You know we

16:05

were in their electric It. I

16:07

don't know. Eighteen hundreds? I mean

16:10

the only you example of a recent

16:12

easy. Maybe it was fucking Taliban. Tallied

16:14

Taliban Taliban? Yeah yeah yeah. In

16:17

Afghanistan and even though is because ever left

16:19

Yeah and they just showed up and every

16:22

moment Riyadh see you to announce you again.

16:25

Am and has landed. They were already in.

16:28

Was. If you want to munch another pieces of land,

16:32

It's this is so difficult, so hard

16:34

to absorb. Like

16:37

of Germany now wanted to invade Belgian. It's

16:40

or too dense enough. To

16:44

dance is physically literally to the physically to dance

16:46

here it would just be like such a nightmare.

16:48

It as a as opposed to Afghanistan where it's

16:50

like well since you took the city we're gonna

16:52

give you control of the whole province of desert

16:54

right? Yeah you know I'm in and getting through

16:57

one city. In modern was

16:59

just takes years if you wanted to

17:01

exist so that you can capture. yeah.

17:04

So. It's Cold War two. And. I'm

17:06

gonna end up in a management job. yeah

17:08

all I can be sort of. Bob Hope

17:10

are travelling man and then we can be

17:12

and same ankle. that's true and that was

17:14

a thing. Spike Milligan that about it yeah

17:16

and was auto he could do that the

17:18

to do that. Who

17:20

has burrow themselves as as. Of

17:23

our soldiers the I ask how

17:26

would we I'm. Ah,

17:29

you wouldn't really be able to do as much like sexy

17:31

lady bringing out a sexy lady. Know

17:33

you wouldn't have to do like

17:35

magic Mike as well developed the

17:37

mountains but imagine my Anna sexy

17:39

lady and. Had

17:42

an ass and brief lecture.

17:46

That. Because I'm a rides A lecture

17:48

on non human rights? Yeah. balance

17:50

it all out. Sexy man, Sexy

17:53

woman. Lecture on Human Rights. You.

17:55

been in every american base they have to have

17:58

the king because it the king the clown the

18:00

Colonel yeah they

18:02

have McDonald's and a

18:05

KFC in the base

18:07

in like Helmand

18:09

whatever yeah I would be a KFC camper

18:11

camp Donald camp leatherneck and I know people

18:14

who went there really what camp leatherneck was

18:16

that you know have you heard of the

18:18

UK people referencing camp bastion no

18:21

well they reference it a lot okay on the news like

18:23

I'm reporting live from camp bastion and that

18:26

camp bastion was the British bit of

18:28

that camp leatherneck with the American section oh right

18:30

it's like a shopping mall yeah incredible

18:32

the stories friends might have told me

18:34

is insane like you say it can't see you like a subway and

18:37

air conditioning everywhere that's wild and they just

18:40

built that yeah the US military

18:42

is this is insane like construction

18:45

machine like ants they're

18:48

like the red alert people

18:50

yeah yeah the floor just opens and

18:52

all these chimneys just

18:55

come out finish commander like

18:57

that so what's your spicy

19:00

take my spicy take is

19:03

because I personally think I would benefit from

19:06

it I want to return to like forced

19:08

viewing of cultural cultural

19:10

things yeah you want you want to return to

19:12

three channels or some version

19:14

of it some version where that we're like a

19:16

really boring person like an academic yeah

19:19

like whatever make it Mary beard for the first

19:21

year I don't care it doesn't matter get

19:24

has chooses whatever in the watches like

19:27

they're driving a car and they're choosing the Spotify

19:29

playlist okay so she's like BBC controller for a

19:31

year yeah but more powerful than that okay because

19:33

no one's watching terrestrial TV apart from pensioners okay

19:36

then she takes over like the nation's television this

19:39

is what's on right

19:41

okay yeah sure like Big Brother yeah the

19:44

in the book not the fucking TV show not that

19:47

okay we're now we're not all watching Big Brother okay

19:49

yeah citizens today we will learn about

19:52

this stuff like that I want

19:54

a bit of that I'll be good

19:56

hot take yeah yeah you will learn whether

19:58

you like not North

20:01

Korean fucking I did I did I did

20:03

read 1984 and think this is pretty great

20:06

actually you all just learn the one thing

20:08

you know every day

20:10

you do the two-minute hate

20:12

you drink horrible gin yeah

20:15

no banging though no

20:17

fuck over yeah oh god

20:19

yeah although what do what is

20:22

it do I do I love banging more than

20:24

I hate making decisions I don't

20:27

know you know honestly I don't know and

20:30

I had I get such bad choice

20:32

paralysis I'd love for all these things to

20:34

be decided for me so my spicy

20:37

take is on over

20:39

the others got kind of less choice my spicy they

20:41

can also be less choice my

20:43

spicy take is that we're in cold

20:45

war 2 and not not World War

20:47

3 yeah that I'd be I'd be

20:49

better than expected in a war at

20:53

admin I'd running a

20:55

factory that makes engines yeah

20:58

yeah I don't if I could soldier I

21:00

don't think so I'm just too unfit I

21:02

get so tired I've got I'm

21:05

every time I go to the gym I'm

21:07

quite fit for about five minutes and then

21:09

it just falls apart I'm so tired I

21:11

can't catch my breath I'm just flopping my

21:13

legs are shaking I just can't really I

21:16

mean I'm overstating it a little but my sometimes

21:19

kick in yeah yeah

21:22

yeah yeah I

21:24

mean then yeah maybe he starts freaking out

21:27

really yeah whatever my PT is

21:29

like yeah yeah I

21:31

just need to do Oh flashback

21:34

get my blue inhaler just all

21:37

ventilate hmm big does anything big V

21:40

yeah the big V yeah compound

21:42

V and I

21:44

don't know I think well

21:46

the trouble is like we're

21:49

talking about how the economy doesn't exist in the UK in World

21:52

War 2 they were just like well we're

21:54

in a big war now so you this factory

21:56

doesn't make tin cans anymore it makes helmets hmm

21:58

and then they go to another factory and go, you

22:01

don't make whatever

22:05

bottle openers and things now, you make rifles, you have to

22:07

make rifles now, loads and loads of them. Okay.

22:11

But we don't have factories. Oh yeah. So

22:13

we can't go to a factory and change what they

22:15

do, because we don't have them. We've just got endless

22:18

buildings filled with accountants and consultants.

22:21

You better consult how to make a rifle. We don't

22:23

have a lot of craft beer breweries. Get

22:27

the enemy pissed. Yeah. Maybe

22:30

that could work. Dalsim and... Dalsim

22:33

very hoppy beers. Like a brew

22:35

dog flamethrower. Ahhh. They

22:38

call it something kooky and rude.

22:40

Yeah. Well,

22:43

your mum's cooking. Don't know

22:45

that. Maybe. God,

22:48

yeah. Punk, punk flamethrower.

22:51

Ah. You something like this? Yeah,

22:54

maybe that could work. Would

22:56

you still want to go to war with us if we gave

22:59

you all this beer? Can you find

23:01

an enemy with emails? Maybe we just like flood

23:03

the enemy's inbox with junk mail. We could

23:06

say to the enemy, you know, we'll

23:08

work for you. You know, we'll help you.

23:10

We'll send in all our consultants to try

23:12

and get your army even more efficient. And

23:15

then it'll do what we've done to our own country.

23:17

It'll be the most damaging possible thing where middle

23:20

management goes from 10% of the company's

23:22

salary expense to like 90. Oh

23:25

right. And it's just greater efficiency. And

23:27

it's just constant white papers and reviews. And

23:30

we paralyze the enemy that way. Is that what's happened here?

23:33

Yeah. You know

23:35

how you've you you hear, have you seen the graph

23:38

of like number of people in the NHS working in

23:40

management? No, it's massive. I

23:42

didn't know right. Right. The doctors.

23:46

Yeah. Same with the BBC. How

23:48

many managers like people like there's like the BBC had like

23:51

a director of blue sky thinking and stuff like. Oh.

23:55

These people have big salaries. So what's blue sky

23:57

thinking? Just like thinking outside the box, having ideas.

24:00

You know how that used to be people job inherently when

24:03

are they paying someone two hundred thousand pounds a year to you know

24:06

and a pension. No

24:08

thanks cuz what I'm saying we could put it

24:10

like a wasp injecting venom into the brain of

24:12

a of an enemy that

24:14

could be how we win. We

24:17

infect Russia with our managerial

24:19

completely nimby culture when nothing

24:21

gets done and not even

24:23

a parish council can fix a pothole. Yeah

24:26

that was really slow down the

24:28

tank manufacturing health and safety. If

24:33

we infected the Russians with the yeah

24:35

nimby ism yeah yeah yeah you can't actually build

24:37

this tank factory here there's a ranute. Yeah

24:40

you have to apply for council permission before you

24:42

build a nucleus. It's

24:45

become like a Jeremy Clarkson column Russia

24:48

just send in

24:50

the British civil service. The

24:54

difference is that we also criticizing the nimby I'm

24:57

a yimby build a train through

24:59

my house build a nuclear reactant

25:01

my bathroom build it build a

25:04

missile silo in my pocket. Do

25:09

it we should

25:11

do some that yes. Matt

25:19

Matt which matter is this one of army

25:21

of mattes is a new man. I

25:25

don't remember. There's

25:28

too many. Too

25:30

many mattes too many mattes that should be

25:32

I'm gonna make a rom com call too

25:34

many mattes and ladies dating like five

25:36

man. Yeah and. She

25:39

has to try and keep the differences straighten ahead. You

25:41

have to remember which matters which. Then

25:44

I'm one which was just too many. For

25:46

some reason she just saves them all on her phone as Matt

25:48

and really address that. Hey

25:52

Matt has sent in a couple of things

25:54

I don't know if we got to his

25:56

original. Yes,

26:00

okay, so holiday tap

26:02

that confused me okay Did

26:08

we did we get to this he sent it

26:10

to the I

26:14

think Gmail is the worst fucking thing in the

26:16

world. I think it's a pile of shit Why

26:20

is it not good? Why do you think that was

26:22

good? Like why is my Apple mail is fucking fucking

26:24

up? It's like isn't it the

26:26

whole isn't there like a whole building in

26:29

Cupertino dedicated to Apple mail you'd

26:32

think there are a whole department

26:34

at the Google Planet Wherever

26:37

they are based Dedicated

26:40

to Google mail. I don't you

26:42

know I mean You'd

26:44

think I think we did

26:47

we read this? Matt

26:50

Matt sent it here. It's a it's a picture

26:52

where it's tat and it's um this

26:54

kitchen is seasoned with love But the oh in love

26:56

is a is an oven glove Yeah,

26:59

I didn't work. He says it's icky

27:01

because it's on the staircase and not even in

27:03

the kitchen. Oh, what terrible And

27:05

they missed or illegal yeah, and he keeps

27:08

seeing the word glove because of the picture

27:10

substitute So it looks like this kitchen is

27:12

seasoned with glove Because there

27:14

is a picture of a glove in the middle of

27:16

the word love terrible terrible idea Number

27:19

three it's an Airbnb in a

27:21

Welsh cottage. He's on holiday number three number three

27:23

reason why he hates it Well

27:26

number one it's on the staircase number two. He

27:28

keeps reading it. Oh, sorry Yeah, yeah number three

27:30

neither this kitchen nor the staircase came with an

27:32

oven glove I Spent

27:34

30 minutes looking for one more cooking because I knew

27:36

I'd seen one somewhere, but I'd seen it It's

27:41

trapped in the picture like it's been cursed yeah

27:45

And he says a diage Diage

27:48

yeah, Google Translate tells me the Welsh for Koji

27:51

is icker Doug

27:54

dally a adults Chim Ohio I

27:58

Feel 😁 I

28:02

like dyes. It sounds a bit so much like

28:04

dyes, which was ISIS. Yeah, but then there was

28:06

it wasn't that supposed to be the ISIS name

28:08

they didn't like. Yeah. Call

28:10

them dyes, they hate it. I think they're a bit

28:12

beyond. I think that was one of the most pathetic

28:14

periods of the 1820 things in terms

28:17

of foreign affairs. It was pathetic when they tried to do

28:19

it like like Trump. That

28:22

was the lamest thing. Also, it was quite offensive in a sense,

28:24

because it was like, well, hang on, you're

28:26

making fun of his name because it was

28:28

a German immigrants name, and they changed it

28:31

fit into America better. Yeah, you're using it

28:33

to make fun of the person you think

28:35

is anti-immigrant. You're fucking that anti-immigrant guy's real

28:37

immigrant name is a stupid foreign one. And

28:40

you go, right. Do you

28:42

see how this might not

28:45

seem like a thing that's snake eating its own tail here?

28:50

It's weird you hate foreigners and think they're

28:52

idiots. What with you being a foreign idiot.

28:54

Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay, come on, guys. It's

28:57

quite this dyes. What an innocent time

28:59

that was. Fighting ISIS. It was great.

29:01

It was like fighting Nazis again. Oh,

29:04

yeah, yeah. It's just the most cartoonishly evil

29:06

men. Which is a clear enemy. They were

29:08

being fought by Al-Qaeda. Al-Qaeda

29:11

were like, oh, not this. Even

29:16

Al-Qaeda were like, well, we're not actually a death

29:18

cult. We're just almost a death cult in our

29:20

behavior. These guys literally are. They really mean it.

29:22

These guys even mean it. What's ISIS-K? Those are

29:24

the guys who meant to have attacked Kabul

29:27

during the return of ISIS. ISIS Corazon. Why

29:31

is my heart? ISIS Corazon. Corazon. They're

29:33

the most romantic part of ISIS. Corazon.

29:36

Is that a place? It's the ancient

29:38

Islamic name for the province that

29:41

includes Afghanistan, but isn't exactly the same

29:43

as Afghanistan. Right. It's like saying Mercia.

29:45

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's

29:48

like saying Mercia or like. Because

29:51

I thought it was a healthier ISIS,

29:53

like Special K. I

29:56

like ISIS Corazon. ISIS Corazon. You

30:00

know, like the little Spanish guitar. You'd

30:04

have to say Isis, I guess. Isis

30:07

Corazon. Isis

30:09

Corazon. And then like, it's a guy with like,

30:12

you know, complete like, balaclava,

30:15

but with a rose in his teeth.

30:17

Corazon. Maybe that's where the

30:19

Spanish lisp came from. They just had a

30:21

rose in their mouth the whole time. It

30:26

is true about that lisp coming from a king

30:28

who had a lisp and everyone copied him. It

30:30

seems far ahead. I've heard that and I've heard

30:32

it's apocryphal. Yeah, it seems too far ahead. I

30:34

was talking to someone who has a degree in

30:36

linguistics and they were saying, no, no, it's just

30:38

like evolution of sounds kind of thing. It

30:40

is regional though. There are some parts of Spain, I

30:42

think, where they don't sassas, but not

30:45

the powerful parts. It's

30:47

in like, if you're from London and you're posh, that's

30:49

English, isn't it? That's the Queen's English. They have the

30:52

same thing in Spain. Right, yeah. But

30:54

I said to them, well then why does no one

30:56

go sassas in certain Latin America or Central America? And

30:59

they weren't sure. Right. But

31:02

yeah, it's like people saying the right pronunciation

31:04

is castle. Right. Yeah,

31:06

not in the north. Yeah. So

31:10

it's one of those. It's just one of those

31:12

things. It's one of those things, mate. And

31:14

Matt also sent us a link to a place called Temu, shop

31:18

like a billionaire. Looks

31:20

like an awful online shop. Oh.

31:23

You know, they sell those kind of things you

31:25

see in Mad Adverts. Oh yeah, they really do.

31:29

Three stainless steel tongs for your tongue.

31:31

A washable window cleaner. And it's a trick of a lady

31:34

happily sticking her tongue out with tongs pointing. What

31:36

are the tongs for your tongue? Do you see that? There's

31:38

a sort of handheld fluffy blind

31:41

slats coming out. Oh, it's a cleaner

31:43

slat in your like depressing 60s blinds.

31:46

Yeah. 60s, 80s blinds.

31:49

Your office blinds. A reward

31:52

incentive sticker roll of 500 stickers

31:54

that say things like well done. Oh

31:56

God. Is it for like, is it

31:58

basically for office supplies? Maybe.

32:00

Silicone utensil sets. Enjoy

32:04

your coffee, dickhead. I love you. That's

32:06

a big Valentine's Day funny spoon you can

32:08

buy. No! Yeah. I

32:11

hate that. I always worry that the people who

32:14

have that kind of fun like, uh... Enjoy your

32:16

coffee, dickhead. That it bleeds into

32:18

like actual contempt. In

32:20

the couple, in the relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, you

32:23

fucking bitch. I imagine looking at that spoon every morning

32:25

when you're having your coffee. It might be funny the

32:27

first time, but now that becomes the spoon you use

32:29

every morning. And one day you snap and your partner

32:31

catches you shouting at the spoon. Fuck you! Fuck you!

32:34

He just walks into the living room,

32:36

sees his girlfriend. This is like

32:39

years after she bought the spoon. He's like,

32:41

I'm a dickhead, am I? Like,

32:45

he didn't notice it, he didn't read it.

32:47

He just saw, enjoy your coffee, dickhead. Enjoy

32:49

your coffee. And then years later he's like,

32:51

oh. Been laughing at me

32:54

this whole time, have you? She's completely forgotten.

32:56

What? What? I'm a dickhead, am I? I'm a dickhead,

32:58

am I? So what do you think of me? Is

33:01

that what you think of me to the point where

33:03

you would carve it into metal? What

33:08

are you talking about? This! It's

33:11

not covered in coffee. This! There's

33:16

little clips for USB sticks? What

33:18

do you mean little clips for USB sticks? To clip

33:20

them onto what? Or like little holders?

33:24

Oh, to put it in a table, of USB cable.

33:27

Like your wires? Yeah, yeah. There's a disgusting looking

33:29

tooth whitening powder. What is this website? If all

33:31

these things are you go, oh yeah, I guess

33:33

that could be useful. And then you

33:35

go, yeah, I'll use that once and I'll

33:37

go, ah, cool. And then I'll bin it. Screwdriver

33:40

sense, I mean, that's a bit better. Why has Matt

33:42

sent this link to this website? He says it's full

33:44

of tat. Oh, right. I mean, it

33:47

is kind of, it's mainly full of tat

33:49

objects. Weird silicone egg boilers.

33:52

Rechargeable LED display. You know, have you seen those like circle guns

33:55

where it's like, and they look like angry sex toys, but people

33:57

use them in... the

34:00

gym. No? What do they do? These things.

34:03

Oh, they've got like a ball case. So we've got

34:05

a ball at the end. It looks like a drill.

34:07

It's a blackened echodrill ball. Okay. What is that for?

34:09

It goes like a massager. And it like pounds your

34:11

muscles. Oh yeah. I've seen people use them in the

34:14

gym. Like they lie on a mat and

34:16

their PT attacks them with it. What is it meant

34:18

to do? It's like a muscle massager. Yeah.

34:20

It's a massager's muscle so that they can

34:22

get bigger. Wonder if you have like cramp or

34:24

something. You've got a tight tendon. You know, it's

34:26

like, yeah. Well, the same thing a massager's thumb

34:29

is doing, you know,

34:31

but it looks very sexual when

34:34

it's happening. It does. It's very

34:36

sexually. It's obviously happening on the gym floor.

34:39

Someone's paid another person to sort of hold them down and do

34:41

it to them. And you think, well,

34:43

I mean, it's a very homoerotic space anyway,

34:46

the gym. Yeah. But I've seen it done

34:48

with a male PT on a lady. Whoa.

34:50

Buh, buh, buh, buh. Please. That's

34:54

you over the gym announcement

34:56

system. Buh, buh, buh, buh.

34:58

Boundaries. Please. They're like monster

35:01

kills. Yeah. Monster. Finish him.

35:04

Yeah, exactly. Isn't that

35:06

odd? Actually, that's what I've mainly seen. Gosh.

35:08

Maybe it's catered to your interests and maybe

35:10

it's catered to Matt's interests and Matt just

35:12

gets a lot of tat and you get.

35:14

No, no. I've seen it live

35:17

at the gym. Oh, I see. No, I'm saying

35:19

IRL buddy. At my gym, a

35:21

lot of women get lie on a

35:23

mat and then a man they've hired attacks them with

35:25

what looks a lot like a sex toy. Well, I

35:27

haven't been in a big normal gym for a while.

35:30

I was, I, I've been, I've been

35:32

doing, I'm like group classes in

35:35

a, in a Peckham warehouse. And

35:39

then now, now I've got a PT

35:41

and a Peckham artery under the train

35:44

station. Yeah. Okay. But very rocky, very

35:47

rocky, but no, but I haven't been in like

35:49

an LA fitness or a fitness first in

35:52

a long time.

35:55

Well, sometimes that happens. Interesting. And I do look

35:57

at it and I think you

35:59

must both what this seems like. Do

36:01

you know? It

36:04

looks like you're riveting her to the ground. Yeah.

36:07

Does she think this

36:10

is a bonus? Is this part of it? Is

36:13

it so pure that I should be ashamed and both

36:15

of you are like, what? It's a normal, you know.

36:18

Has it not occurred? Even occurred to either of you

36:20

how this looks? Do you have any strange

36:23

elements of your gym routine now? That might

36:25

look strange to an outsider. Um,

36:28

yes. Using like the, well, I think

36:30

all the rubber band stuff looks odd.

36:33

Right. Okay. Using a rubber band to try

36:35

and activate bits of your shoulders and things.

36:37

They're very good. You can

36:39

get yourself tied up in all sorts of weird, like the,

36:42

I did, you know, I've done one of, one of the ones where

36:44

you step on it and then put it over your neck and you're

36:46

just standing up and down. Yeah, that exactly. All

36:49

that stuff looks mental. Yeah. Do

36:51

I have anything that I do that's mad to other people?

36:55

Um, I

36:57

think my gym clothing looks weird. What

36:59

is it? It's quite a motley crew of

37:01

random shorts and random t-shirts. It

37:04

doesn't look like I've, I'm ready for the gym.

37:06

Absolutely. My gym clothes always look like it's my

37:08

first day at the gym ever in my life.

37:10

No matter what I buy, I'm always trying to

37:12

buy things that make me look more like I

37:15

should be at the gym. Yeah. It always looks

37:17

like it's my first day there after a divorce.

37:19

Yeah. Every single time. I've

37:22

cobbled together. I guess I can

37:24

sweat into this. Yeah, exactly. I always look. Yeah,

37:29

man. Um, we've done,

37:32

we've done it before. We've got to go. Guys, we

37:34

did it. We've fucking said we can do it. Well,

37:36

we've done it. Thank you for your VIPCO. Thank you

37:39

for being patrons. We love you a lot. Thank you

37:41

guys. You are the best. Have a lovely weekend. Come

37:43

see us live.

37:46

You better. But most importantly,

37:48

have fun. Yeah. And be

37:51

yourself. Hate that. Have fun.

37:53

Yeah. Have fun. Yeah. Most

37:56

important things to have fun. Have fun, dickhead. Yeah.

37:58

Have fun. Take care. And we'll see you

38:01

next time. Bye-bye. Love you. Bye.