0:00

I'm calling because I find myself

0:02

in a very big predicament.

0:04

Is there any hope for abusers?

0:07

He has come to us and told

0:09

us that he is gay. If I wasn't

0:12

that perfect, mom, what can

0:14

I do and how can I apply that advice

0:16

today?

0:21

Welcome to building relationships

0:23

with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of

0:25

the New York Times bestseller The Five

0:27

Love Languages. Today,

0:29

our final broadcast of 2023.

0:32

As we take your calls and questions

0:34

for this trusted author and pastor.

0:36

And remember, if you'd like to ask Doctor

0:39

Chapman a question in the New Year, our

0:41

number is 1866424.

0:44

Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.

0:50

Today, as we are on the cusp of 2024

0:53

and all that is ahead of us, it's time to

0:55

take stock of relationships. Not

0:57

a bad thing to do here at the end of the year.

0:59

But Gary, I want to hit the rewind

1:01

button for you personally, because at

1:04

the end of November, at the beginning of December,

1:07

you spoke at a funeral of a

1:09

friend and we were talking after

1:11

the program one day. This really

1:14

hit you hard. Would you take us into

1:16

that situation that happened?

1:18

Yeah. Chris, this is a friend that I've had

1:20

since 1972.

1:22

He is from Pennsylvania and

1:24

had graduated from Penn State and

1:26

moved to North Carolina for

1:28

a job. And I was

1:31

just leading our college ministry in those

1:33

years. And he and his wife volunteered

1:35

to help me in that ministry. And

1:37

that was where our friendship began. And

1:40

for ten years, on Sunday mornings,

1:42

he and his wife were down there doing refreshments

1:44

and all for the college kids and

1:47

also interfacing with them, you know,

1:49

before and after the meetings. And

1:51

in every year, he and I would go to Wake Forest

1:53

University and knock on

1:55

the door, the dorm door of

1:58

every male, every every

2:00

guy at Wake Forest freshmen,

2:02

and give them a little card about our

2:05

class and about the meeting at my house on

2:07

Friday nights for ten years, we had open

2:09

house for college students, and

2:11

so we just walked through that, and he was so

2:14

active. As the years went on, he

2:16

began to teach a class, a Bible

2:18

class at our church on Sunday mornings,

2:20

and he was involved in a prayer group

2:22

that met once a week on Monday

2:24

afternoons and prayed for the city,

2:26

our city. And

2:29

he was involved in the music ministry. I

2:31

mean, I could just go on and on all the things he was

2:33

involved in and and how

2:35

close we were. And then

2:37

he had taken his car, his truck

2:39

to a tire place to have some

2:42

tires put on it, and he was going to walk home.

2:44

And it was only a, I don't know, six

2:46

blocks from where he lived. So

2:49

it was not unusual. But

2:51

he started to cross the street, and

2:53

a lady who was driving a car

2:55

hit him and essentially killed

2:57

him. I mean, he they kept him on life support

2:59

for a few days, but he never he never

3:01

came back. What happened

3:04

on from her side. And obviously we felt

3:06

very sorry for her. She

3:08

said the sun was just blinding her

3:10

and she didn't see him. And the man

3:12

who was in the car behind her affirmed

3:14

that. He said it was just it was just brilliant right

3:16

in our eyes. But at any

3:19

rate, on the Sunday morning,

3:21

uh, when I got up after

3:23

that, I was having my time

3:25

with God, and I just felt deeply

3:27

impressed that I should attend

3:29

the Bible Fellowship class that he taught

3:32

every Sunday morning at 1030

3:35

and just sit with the people. And the thought

3:37

that the word that came to my mind was,

3:39

why don't you go weep with those

3:41

who weep? Because I knew his

3:44

class. You must experience a lot of sorrow

3:46

because they deeply loved him, because he

3:48

taught in the class and out of the class.

3:50

You know, I walked

3:52

up there that morning and I got up and right at

3:55

get there right at 1030, and they

3:57

were just getting ready to begin the class. And someone

3:59

said, well, Doctor Chapman, welcome. Would

4:02

you like to say something to us? I said, no.

4:05

I just came to weep

4:07

with those who weep. And

4:10

I said, I just want to sit here with you. And

4:13

I said, well, thank you. And

4:17

so they said, well, let's

4:20

just let's just start sharing classes,

4:22

our thoughts and our feelings. And

4:24

I sit there for a little over an hour,

4:27

and I think everybody in the class

4:29

spoke. And there was about 40 people,

4:31

at least 40 people in the class

4:34

and just shared, you know, memories

4:36

of ways they had interfaced with him

4:38

and how they appreciated him.

4:40

And, you know, the sorrow that they

4:42

felt, but also the reality

4:45

that we saw or not as those who have

4:47

no hope because we knew he

4:49

was with Christ. In fact, one

4:51

of those class members said,

4:54

you know, I think it was two weeks ago that

4:56

stand stood here in front of us

4:58

and in the context

5:00

of whatever he was teaching, he

5:03

said, with, with, with tears

5:05

coming to his eyes, he said, I

5:07

just want to see Jesus. And

5:11

he said, those words came back to me

5:13

when I heard that he was killed. You

5:16

know, I don't know if that was a prayer of his heart

5:18

or not. I'm not. But that's

5:20

certainly what happened. He's with Jesus,

5:22

you know. So that

5:24

funeral service I shared, you

5:26

know, some of those things. Told the folks what I'd

5:29

done and just shared some of those things. And it

5:31

was just a really, really heart

5:34

moving service for so many people

5:36

because he had just befriended so many people.

5:39

And, you know, here today, Chris,

5:41

looking back on an old

5:43

year and looking forward to a new year. I

5:46

know there are many of our listeners that have lost,

5:48

you know, loved ones to death, uh,

5:51

over this past year and in this

5:53

kind of season, the Christmas New Year season,

5:56

we reflect on that, you know,

5:58

and and there's that that sense of sorrow

6:00

is there because we can't call them. We

6:02

can't go see them. We can't go do things with

6:05

them. You know, I just like to

6:07

encourage our listeners who've gone through that this

6:09

year to, yes, it's okay

6:11

to grieve whether it's been a year

6:13

or longer. It's okay to grieve, but

6:16

we're not grieving as though we have no hope.

6:18

If that person knew Jesus Christ,

6:21

if they didn't know we weren't sure about

6:23

it. We just have to commit them to God because

6:25

God knows their heart. He knows whether

6:27

they were in his family or not, you know?

6:31

So yeah, that was a very meaningful

6:33

and very emotional experience for me. Chris.

6:36

In my mind, I'm picturing

6:38

you two in the 1970s

6:40

with Bellbottom jeans

6:42

and whatever you're

6:45

wearing by, you know, knocking on the door

6:47

at Wake Forest. Those folks, those guys

6:49

that had no idea it was Gary Chapman was out

6:51

there. They might have woken up. But

6:55

just the the friendship

6:57

and the camaraderie that you had and then

7:00

how suddenly it was over

7:02

for your friend Stan. And

7:05

here we are. And I think you're right.

7:07

There are people who are listening right now, and you're

7:10

reading my email. This is exactly

7:12

what we've gone through with a friend or family

7:14

member for us. And

7:16

so I think Ecclesiastes,

7:19

Solomon talks about it's better to go to

7:21

a house of mourning than a house of feasting,

7:24

you know, to to realize

7:26

that this is our everybody's

7:29

destiny. And it goes very,

7:31

very quickly. That's what Billy Graham said

7:33

is what's the most surprising thing for

7:35

you? And he said, the brevity of life. It's

7:37

just so short when you

7:40

when you look back on it. Right?

7:42

Yeah, absolutely. Chris, one

7:44

of the things that I did toward the end of that service,

7:46

I said, yeah, I just want to say a word to us. And I

7:48

gave a couple words to us. You know, one

7:50

was what I've already shared that we don't

7:52

sorrow as those who have no hope. But the

7:54

other is that little word in James.

7:57

You know, when James said it's okay

7:59

to have plans for the future for the next

8:01

year, but just realize life

8:03

is a vapor, you know, which is what you just said.

8:06

And he said, we know not

8:08

what a day will bring forth.

8:10

And I said, I'm sure Stan did not

8:13

get up that morning thinking I'm going to be hit

8:15

by a car and killed today, you know.

8:17

But the reality is, we do

8:19

not know what a day will bring forth.

8:22

Therefore, we should

8:24

be using every single day to

8:26

do the things that we believe God has

8:28

in mind for us that day. Don't put

8:30

them off, you know. It's okay to have plans

8:32

for the future. Yes, but just

8:34

realize we don't know what

8:37

will happen today. So we should

8:39

always be ready in our relationship

8:41

with God. First of all. And I gave

8:43

the gospel and shared it for those that didn't know

8:45

him, today's the day of salvation, you

8:47

know. But for those of us who are Christians,

8:50

this is the day the Lord has given

8:52

us. So let's use it in a positive

8:54

way to impact others for God.

8:57

Our program is building relationships

9:00

with Doctor Gary Chapman and this

9:02

is our Dear Gary. Broadcast for

9:04

December, our last program

9:06

of 2023. Happy

9:09

New Year from all of us at Building Relationships

9:11

and Moody Radio. If you

9:13

have a question, call our number 1866424.

9:17

Gary. This is not a counseling line.

9:19

We can't call you back. But if

9:22

you'll keep your question as brief as possible,

9:24

we'll try to address it here on the program.

9:26

So call today and leave your message

9:28

at 1866424.

9:31

Gary. Our featured resource

9:33

is extraordinary Grace how

9:36

the unlikely lineage of Jesus

9:38

reveals God's amazing love.

9:40

Find out more at building relationships.us.

9:44

All right, Gary, let's go to the phones. Let's begin

9:46

with a question from a single man

9:48

about a relationship breakup.

9:51

Hi, Gary, I'm calling

9:53

because I find myself in a very,

9:56

um, big predicament.

9:58

I have been with my girlfriend

10:00

for almost four and a half

10:02

years. The first one

10:04

and a half, two years was was great,

10:07

you know? I guess I really

10:09

just started, like, coasting.

10:11

And in return, I ended

10:13

up, like, neglecting her needs.

10:16

I know she had brought up to

10:18

me a few times how she had wanted

10:20

me to compliment her more, and she

10:22

would have liked to like, you know, spend more

10:25

time together cuddling all of that.

10:27

And I would do it every time she bring

10:29

she brought up, I do it, but I struggle with

10:32

the consistency. And now

10:34

she's told me that she broke

10:36

it, breaking up with me. And

10:39

I don't want this to end. I really love and

10:41

care about her, and I've been struggling with

10:43

what I should do to if I

10:45

should continue to, to

10:47

try, you know, maybe try and commit

10:49

to doing these things that

10:51

she loves, how she wants to be loved

10:53

or I guess, what do I do? So I

10:55

just was wondering if there's any

10:57

way I could get some advice or some

11:00

counseling. Thank you.

11:02

Well, first of all, let me say that I'm

11:05

empathetic with this caller because

11:07

you're taking me way back when

11:10

my first girlfriend, after

11:12

dating her three years, broke up with

11:14

me. I, I remember

11:16

the pain and

11:18

I remember praying, oh, God,

11:20

change her mind, change her mind.

11:23

And I remember writing her a letter, trying

11:25

to convince her that she needed to change

11:27

her mind. You know, just kind of help God

11:29

out a little bit, you know? In

11:33

retrospect, on this side,

11:35

looking back, I'm glad God did not

11:37

answer that prayer or I would not have

11:39

been married to my present wife, who I've been married

11:42

to for 62 years. Okay,

11:45

so I guess what I'm saying is,

11:47

it's certainly fine to pray, you

11:49

know, to ask God to give you wisdom

11:52

whether you should continue to pursue,

11:54

you know, the possibility of restoring

11:56

the relationship or not. Uh,

11:59

but keep in mind, you can't

12:01

change. You can't make her change her

12:03

mind. If she affirms

12:06

that she's the relationship's over and she

12:08

doesn't want to continue, then

12:10

we have to come to accept that. And

12:12

I remember when I said to God, Lord, you

12:14

know, I was I was at Moody

12:16

Bible Institute when this happened. She wrote me a

12:18

Dear John letter when I went off to Moody

12:21

and I said, Oh God, I'm having

12:23

trouble studying. I'm here to study and learn.

12:26

And this is I, I'm having trouble studying.

12:28

I'm so torn up about this. And and

12:30

I said, I, I'm asking you to give me

12:32

peace about it. You know, I've done everything

12:35

I know to do. So give me peace about it and

12:37

let me focus on the

12:39

things that that you've called me here to do.

12:41

So I guess I'm

12:43

saying don't let the pain and the

12:45

suffering that you're feeling keep you

12:48

from being active in the job

12:50

that you have. If indeed

12:52

you have a job and in the ministry

12:55

that you have, if you're involved with other people

12:57

in the church or a study group, continue

12:59

those things because God

13:02

wants you to use every day

13:04

to walk with him and to

13:07

be his instrument for helping and serving

13:09

others. So continue

13:11

along those lines, even with

13:14

the sense of loss that you have. And

13:16

who knows? I mean, God may change her mind,

13:18

but if not, God has a plan for

13:20

your life.

13:22

The other thing that it sounds like that

13:24

he's doing is, is looking back

13:26

with some regret that I. I wish I'd

13:28

done this, I wish I had done that. This

13:30

is a good opportunity not to

13:32

blame yourself, you know, and

13:34

to go that direction, but to say,

13:37

boy, there are ways here that I really can grow,

13:40

uh, if this person comes back or in

13:42

another relationship. And that's

13:44

a good process to go through.

13:46

Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And, you know, apparently,

13:48

it seems to me he, he was not

13:50

consistently speaking her love language.

13:53

And that's when I don't know if he understood the love

13:55

language concept or not. But that's essential

13:57

in a good relationship. And

14:00

so, you know, getting that learning that

14:02

concept that we have different love languages

14:04

and we want to be consistent in speaking

14:06

love to the other person in a way that's meaningful

14:08

to them.

14:10

If you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question

14:12

for a future programme in 2024,

14:15

call 866424.

14:17

Gary. Leave your message. Turn

14:19

down any noise in the background you know, the radio

14:22

or anything else that's going on. If you're in the car,

14:24

pull over, make it real quiet. We

14:26

only want to hear the birds chirping outside.

14:28

Call 866424.

14:31

Gary. Next up is

14:33

a parent who wants to love her son.

14:35

She just doesn't know how.

14:39

Hi, Gary. My question

14:41

is, we have an

14:43

adult child. Um, he's

14:45

just about to turn 20. He

14:47

does still live in our home. He

14:49

is going to college full time and working

14:52

full time. He has

14:54

come to us, um, and

14:56

told us that he is gay. And

14:59

he would, uh, like

15:02

us to allow

15:04

his, uh,

15:06

new friend to come over. And

15:10

we are really torn on that.

15:12

Of course, he knows that we

15:14

believe what the Bible says about

15:16

homosexuality. We love

15:18

him and have made no bones about that,

15:20

but that it is wrong in the

15:22

eyes of the Lord. We

15:24

are just wondering how to handle

15:27

this situation with,

15:30

you know, allowing whether or not to allow

15:32

this person to come over. Is

15:34

it? Do we love them? You

15:37

know, trying to show Jesus's love

15:39

and love them both, even though,

15:42

uh, you know, we we can make

15:44

it clear we don't agree? Or is

15:46

that condoning the relationship that we don't

15:48

agree with?

15:50

Of course, this is a question that a lot of parents

15:53

have been asking in recent years,

15:56

since the practice of homosexuality

15:58

has become more overt in our

16:00

culture, and it's

16:03

something that they try to wrestle with exactly

16:05

what she's wrestling with. Do we

16:08

spend time with this other person?

16:10

Do we allow them to come into our home?

16:12

Do we let them celebrate things with us

16:14

that we would normally celebrate with our son?

16:17

Or do we say, you know, this is wrong?

16:20

We cannot we cannot

16:22

condone this. And and so

16:24

we can't allow you to bring him here.

16:27

Uh, uh, it's a it's a very

16:29

real question. And I think, I think

16:31

many sincere Christians come out at different places

16:33

on this. You know, there are some that are just staunchly

16:36

say, no, you cannot bring somebody

16:38

here because we don't believe in this,

16:40

and da da da da da. And

16:43

I understand that. And on

16:45

the other hand, there are those who take the other approach

16:47

he was talking about. And to say,

16:49

you know, you already

16:51

know that we certainly

16:54

cannot condone this. We do not

16:56

believe this is this is biblical

16:58

and share that perspective with

17:00

them. At the same time,

17:03

we know that God loves everybody.

17:06

And he loves you and he loves this person.

17:09

And we want

17:11

to be his instruments

17:13

in communicating to you. We

17:15

love you even though what

17:17

you're doing, we believe is wrong and not

17:19

pleasing God. And

17:22

we want to love this other person because

17:24

they need to know Christ. They

17:26

need to have a relationship with God. And

17:29

they take that approach. I'm not going to say

17:31

which one is is right or wrong. I

17:34

can say that I lean toward the latter,

17:36

and that is loving

17:39

them in spite of the fact that

17:41

they're not doing what we believe.

17:43

The scriptures teach clearly that that

17:46

we should not be doing so. I

17:48

hope the listener and others who are in that situation

17:50

are hearing my heart. Either

17:52

approach, I understand. I

17:55

just kind of lean toward the feeling that God

17:57

wants us to love people, even when they're doing

17:59

wrong. As long as we communicate

18:02

to them, you know that message we

18:04

love you. In spite of the fact that we don't

18:06

agree with what you're doing.

18:09

And there are some who will. Here's the

18:11

number. Call eight six. I know there

18:13

are some who will say, well, you're going soft on

18:15

on biblical truth and you're going, but

18:18

I hear, I hear exactly what

18:20

you're saying, your heart. Especially

18:22

if these two have

18:24

a, you know, some kind of a long term relationship

18:28

together. And I think

18:30

of the different people who have struggled with

18:32

homosexuality that I've known,

18:34

some who are very up front, Christopher Ewen,

18:37

Rosaria Butterfield. And

18:39

it's the people who reached out to them,

18:41

not after they'd converted, you

18:43

know, not after they became believers,

18:46

but when they were in the middle

18:48

of, you know, their struggle

18:50

and they didn't even know they were struggling when

18:53

they were in the middle of it. They just loved them and

18:55

and showed hospitality to them.

18:57

Yeah. I think it's the love of God

18:59

that draws people to himself.

19:01

And we're God's instruments to

19:03

love the unlovely. Because,

19:05

look, God loved us while we

19:08

were sinners. Yes, and sent

19:10

Christ to die for us. So

19:12

he's our model. So I think I think

19:14

we can proclaim the truth and stand

19:16

for biblical truth and

19:18

still be God's instruments for loving

19:21

those who are not walking with God.

19:23

But if you do draw the line in the sand

19:25

and say, no, this is not you're not

19:28

bringing him here or bringing

19:30

her here. Um,

19:32

and and you draw that line

19:34

in the sand. The question that

19:36

I have is, can you do that and

19:39

still show love to that,

19:41

to that son or

19:44

daughter who's going through this?

19:46

How do you other what what

19:48

do they see other than the line in the sand.

19:50

And you don't like who I love?

19:53

Um, how do how do you convey still

19:55

convey love while having that conviction?

19:58

Well, I think, Chris, that would depend

20:01

somewhat on their love language. You

20:03

know, we want them to know, to feel

20:05

that we love them. And so

20:07

whatever their love language is, we can certainly

20:09

seek to speak that love language even in

20:11

the midst of our taking that that particular

20:14

stand that we are, we're not going

20:16

to allow them to be here in our house

20:18

and we're not going to associate with them. You know,

20:20

we can still take that stand

20:23

and love our our

20:25

child.

20:26

Well, that is a really, really

20:28

tough question, and I'm glad that we were able to spend

20:31

some time on that here. If

20:33

you want to ask a question. Doctor Chapman 866424

20:37

Gary. Or respond to something

20:39

that comes up on the program today. 1866424

20:43

Gary, over the past couple of years,

20:45

I've noticed one word that's come up

20:47

again and again and again

20:49

narcissist or narcissism.

20:53

That's part of our next caller's

20:55

question.

20:56

Hi Gary. My question is

20:59

how does a Christian

21:01

walk out honoring

21:03

their parents when one of your parents

21:05

is a narcissist, particularly

21:08

my father, I find myself

21:11

not wanting to be around him. I

21:13

work full time and

21:16

a part time job. I'm tired a lot.

21:18

He's married in another city with the

21:20

wife but insists

21:22

on coming. Even

21:24

though I'm not his only child,

21:27

he has other children that he doesn't have

21:29

a great relationship with that

21:31

could spend time with him if

21:34

he wanted to, but

21:36

it seems like the bulk of it kind of

21:38

rests on us. My

21:40

sister and I hear the

21:42

problem with him coming

21:45

is that he

21:47

soaks up all of your

21:49

time, no matter who's there.

21:51

He is very comparison.

21:54

It's just not a pleasant time.

21:57

When he comes, I find

21:59

myself the older I get wanting to

22:01

distance myself more, but still

22:04

knowing that God says

22:06

that we should honor our parents. But

22:08

you know, he doesn't tell the truth. He

22:10

makes up all kinds of crazy stories

22:13

that are not true. So

22:15

that's just my question

22:17

on honoring when

22:20

you have a narcissist as a parent. Thank

22:23

you.

22:24

Well, let's face it. Uh, what

22:27

she's describing is all too common

22:29

in our day that adult children

22:32

are having problems of one sort or another

22:34

with their parents, and

22:37

narcissism is one of those issues.

22:39

When a person is so self-centered

22:41

and nothing else matters except them and

22:43

their ideas. And, you

22:46

know, as you said, he's just all pervasive

22:48

in terms of taking over. And

22:50

no matter what's going on, it's all about him.

22:53

Uh, it's very difficult. So

22:55

I'm empathetic with this caller. I

22:58

think we have to reckon with her. What are

23:00

our options? You know, we can cut

23:02

them off totally. I mean, there's one option. Of

23:04

course. I don't think it's the best option,

23:06

but we can just say. Dad. I can't

23:09

have any more anything to do with you. Because da

23:11

da da da da da da da. And so and

23:13

and we can have a fractured relationship

23:16

until he dies or we

23:18

die. But I don't see that

23:20

as the best option, because

23:22

it's only as we have contact

23:24

with a person that we have

23:27

any opportunity to have a positive influence

23:29

on them. Now I know

23:31

after she's had him in her home for

23:33

many, many times, she feels like she's

23:35

not having a positive influence on him.

23:37

But the fact that he chooses to come

23:39

to see her and her sister, and

23:41

not his other children, indicate

23:44

that he feels comfortable or more

23:46

accepted by them, more firm

23:48

by them than they do the others. So

23:51

apparently, uh, she is

23:53

having a positive influence on his life.

23:55

That's okay. It's okay to say

23:57

at times, dad, I can't

24:00

I can't, uh, we can't have

24:02

you come this weekend because we've got

24:04

da da da da da, and we can't. We wouldn't have any

24:06

time to be with you. It's okay to

24:08

do that. You don't have to have

24:10

them every time they want to come. He and his wife,

24:13

I'm assuming his wife comes with him at

24:15

the same time. I would not cut

24:17

him off totally. I would

24:19

just recognize it's a very difficult time

24:21

when he's here. But I'm going to try

24:24

to treat him with respect, even though

24:26

he may not, from the human perspective, deserve

24:28

respect. I'm going to choose to

24:30

do that because he gave me life.

24:33

So I think we can honor our

24:35

parents even though we're not necessarily

24:38

feeling positive toward

24:40

them.

24:40

Yeah.

24:42

Or because you gave the

24:44

example of there's a

24:46

schedule conflict, can't do it this time.

24:48

I think it's a I think it's

24:50

okay if she just feels you

24:53

know what I can't do, dad, this this

24:55

Saturday, I just can't I don't have it

24:57

in the emotional love tank

24:59

to be able to, you know, withstand

25:01

that and to be able to say to him,

25:03

dad, this Saturday is not going to work out. I'm

25:05

sorry. Let's let's work on something

25:07

later down the road. Do you agree with that?

25:10

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

25:12

Because your own health, your own mental

25:14

emotional health is important.

25:16

And so yeah, if you just feel totally overwhelmed

25:18

and feel like if he came this weekend, I think I

25:21

would just fall apart. Well,

25:23

no, it's it's fine to take that approach.

25:26

This is building relationships with

25:28

Doctor Gary Chapman, New York Times

25:30

best selling author of The Five Love

25:32

Languages. You can find simple

25:35

ways to strengthen your relationships at

25:37

building relationships. Us.

25:39

Plus, find out about our featured resource,

25:41

Doctor Chapman's book, extraordinary

25:44

Grace How the Unlikely

25:46

Lineage of Jesus Reveals God's

25:48

Amazing Love. Just go to

25:50

building relationships us.

25:52

She loves him. But there's a pattern

25:55

of abuse. Is there hope

25:57

for change? Here's our next

25:59

caller.

26:00

Hi. Um, my

26:02

husband, um, grew up in a toxic

26:05

environment, and

26:07

there's things in his past

26:09

that have, um, had a negative impact

26:12

on his life. His father was an alcoholic

26:15

and an abuser. He

26:17

is saved, and so am I. But

26:19

that back? He's backslid

26:22

for almost 40 years. I wonder,

26:25

is there any hope for abusers

26:28

to have a healthy, happy whole

26:30

marriage? If yes. Do you

26:32

know of any case studies

26:35

where the abuser turns

26:37

his life around and God

26:40

has restored their marriage once

26:42

again? Thank you.

26:45

Well, that's a good question. I

26:48

think that anyone who's ever lived

26:50

with an abusive husband will identify

26:52

with this caller. We

26:54

hope that they're going to change.

26:56

And yet, month after month,

26:59

year after year, the pattern continues.

27:02

I think for an abuser to

27:04

change, there has to be

27:06

a couple of things involved. One,

27:09

we have to come to the place where we

27:11

apply what I call tough

27:14

love. You know, speaking

27:16

a person's love language is a way

27:18

to express love to them, and

27:20

that's fine to do that. We should

27:23

do that. Even when we don't feel

27:25

love for them. We can still speak

27:27

their love language and communicate

27:29

to them, and they can feel love by

27:31

us. But having

27:33

done that over a period of time,

27:36

I think it's a there's a place to say,

27:39

I don't know how you feel about us

27:41

and where we are, but

27:44

you know, we've talked about this and your

27:47

abuse of me and the children. Again,

27:50

depending on how long this has gone on, you

27:53

cannot just continue to go like that.

27:55

He will not change as long as

27:57

his behavior is accepted or

27:59

allowed. So there comes a place

28:02

to say, I love you too much.

28:05

To continue to let you abuse me

28:07

and the children. And

28:09

so I'm going to move in with my mother, or I'm

28:11

going to do whatever plan you have. Now,

28:13

I suggest that you talk with a pastor

28:16

or a counselor or somebody or a close friend

28:18

and let them walk with you through this.

28:20

Don't don't try to do this by yourself. Have

28:23

somebody that you can talk with as you

28:25

process this. But it's

28:27

tough love. Often that causes

28:29

that person to recognize they've got a problem

28:32

and they've got to find help. So I would

28:34

say when you get ready to do tough love,

28:36

give them the name of a Christian counselor,

28:39

give them the address, the phone

28:41

number, tell them I'm

28:43

not abandoning you. It's

28:45

just I love you too much to

28:48

help you continue what you're doing.

28:50

So here's the name of a counselor.

28:53

If you are willing to go for counseling

28:55

and get help with this problem, then

28:57

I'm. I'm willing to go with you to a marriage

29:00

counselor and see what we can do to

29:02

restore our marriage. But I love you too much

29:04

to sit here and do nothing and just

29:06

accept what's been happening. That

29:09

kind of love is true love.

29:12

It's tough love, but it's true

29:14

love. And it's most effective

29:16

if it's followed a

29:19

series or a time in which you are

29:21

speaking their love language. Because

29:23

when you are speaking their language and then

29:25

you take this approach, they realize

29:28

they're about to lose somebody who's

29:30

been loving them, even though they don't

29:32

deserve that kind of love. So

29:34

tough love sometimes is the only

29:36

way to challenge

29:39

them to reach out for help.

29:41

But yes, there can be changed. God

29:44

can change any personality pattern

29:46

that needs to be changed when that person

29:48

turns to him for help.

29:50

And I hasten to say on

29:52

that, we she didn't mention what

29:54

type of abuse that she had gone through

29:57

in this time. But if there's somebody

29:59

listening who is being

30:01

physically abused, if you are the spouse

30:03

being physically abused or your

30:06

children are being abused,

30:08

that's the red flag to say

30:10

I need, you know, I can do the

30:13

tough love at some point,

30:15

but I need you need to get to safety,

30:17

right?

30:18

Yeah, absolutely. Chris. Absolutely.

30:20

Yeah. Because I think some stay

30:22

there until they've been

30:25

killed.

30:26

By the other.

30:27

Person. There's no place for

30:29

physical abuse in a marriage. And

30:31

the sooner you deal with that, the

30:33

better. You know, sometimes this

30:35

this erupts in the first year

30:37

marriage. Well, that's when you ought to

30:39

apply tough love. As soon as it erupts. It's

30:42

far better to do it early on than

30:44

to put up with it for a long time, because you

30:46

never know when what they're going to do

30:48

is going to be devastating,

30:51

right?

30:52

Especially if he's dealt

30:54

with alcohol, you know, in the past.

30:56

And that's been part of the makeup

30:58

in his in his childhood. That's the other

31:00

thing. You know, if you feel sorry

31:02

for a spouse and you know some

31:04

of what's going on in their past

31:07

that can keep you from

31:09

doing to from taking that step of tough

31:11

love because you feel sorry they've

31:14

had this, you know, bad thing, and you don't want to

31:16

add to that, but you really

31:18

have to you really have to keep the focus on

31:20

loving them well,

31:23

uh, as they are, rather than

31:25

just pitying them for what

31:27

they've been through.

31:28

Yeah, that's exactly right, Chris. And

31:31

we're not helping them by accepting

31:33

that or allowing that to continue.

31:35

We're not helping them. We're just

31:37

helping them be ingrained in that pattern.

31:40

Yeah. Again, if you want to ask

31:42

Doctor Chapman to question 1866424,

31:45

Gary. Now, of course, we get

31:47

a lot of questions about the love languages.

31:50

Some of them are a little complicated

31:52

because of whatever the situation is

31:54

the people are going through. This one

31:56

is bedrock. It's straightforward.

31:59

Here we go.

32:00

Hi, Gary. My question

32:02

is my husband and I have different

32:05

love languages. How is it

32:07

that I can get my needs met for

32:09

my love language?

32:11

When my husband

32:13

has a different love language? We

32:16

know what they are, but it's difficult

32:18

for my husband to show me love

32:20

with my love language that

32:22

I need to be loved. Thank

32:24

you.

32:25

Well, it's very, very common that

32:27

a husband and wife will have a different love language.

32:30

It's also common that by

32:32

nature, we speak our own love

32:35

language as we speak to

32:37

them, what we would like to receive. But

32:39

that's not meaningful to them emotionally

32:41

because that's not their language. So

32:44

I think if the husband has an

32:46

understanding that

32:48

him speaking your love language

32:50

is the one thing that's going to meet

32:52

your emotional need for love

32:54

and how important that is,

32:57

he you would think he would be

32:59

motivated to do that, even though

33:02

it may be difficult because if he

33:04

didn't. Receive that love language growing up,

33:06

and he never learned to speak it growing

33:08

up as an adult. Yes,

33:11

there's a learning curve, but you

33:13

can learn to speak any one of these languages

33:16

as an adult, even if you did

33:18

not receive these languages

33:20

growing up. So I

33:22

don't know if you've both read the book not just

33:24

taking the quiz, but read the book. If

33:27

you haven't, then I would suggest read the book

33:29

because the illustrations in the book may help

33:31

him see how important this

33:33

is. But if if

33:36

he has that full information and

33:38

he's not responding, I would just say to him, you

33:40

know, I don't know how you feel, but

33:43

I think I'm going to go for counseling

33:46

because I'm really struggling and

33:48

you just tell him how you're struggling. And

33:50

I don't know if you're not motivated

33:53

to speak my language or if you don't really just

33:55

don't love me and you wish

33:57

I weren't here, because that's

34:00

the way I feel sometimes when I'm not receiving

34:02

love from you and my love language. You

34:04

haven't explained that kind of thing to him and he still

34:06

doesn't respond. Then I would say

34:08

even if he won't go for counseling with you,

34:11

you go by yourself. And when he

34:13

sees that you're so serious that you're going for counseling,

34:16

he may begin to realize, man, this is really

34:18

important, you know? So those

34:20

are my thoughts.

34:22

This is building relationships with

34:24

Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York

34:26

Times bestseller The Five Love Languages.

34:29

You can find out more about that at our website.

34:32

Building Relationships Us

34:34

as well as our featured resource.

34:36

Extraordinary Grace how the

34:38

unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals

34:40

God's amazing love again.

34:42

Go to building relationships us.

34:45

You know.

34:45

Gary, a common struggle for many people

34:48

today in this culture is anger.

34:50

How to deal with it in your own life,

34:52

how to deal with it as you encounter

34:54

it with other people. That's

34:56

what our next caller is asking

34:58

you about.

35:00

Hi, Carrie. I wanted to know

35:02

if you could point me to some books

35:06

or literature that

35:08

would give me some

35:10

good techniques to

35:13

relate to others and

35:16

reduce anger issues.

35:19

Uh, in others. Anger issues.

35:23

Thank you.

35:24

Well, you know, Chris, this is a huge issue

35:27

in human relationships.

35:29

Uh, mismanaged anger. The

35:32

emotion of anger is not sin.

35:35

In fact, the Bible says God is angry

35:37

every day with the wicked. If

35:39

God is angry every day, anger is not

35:41

a sin. I think we

35:43

get angry because we're made in God's image

35:45

and we have a concern for right?

35:47

And when our sense of right is violated,

35:50

we feel angry. Uh,

35:52

but it's how we manage anger.

35:54

It's the issue. So,

35:56

uh, you know, years ago, a number of years ago, I

35:58

wrote a book entitled Anger

36:01

Taming a Powerful Emotion.

36:03

And this is the resource I would suggest

36:06

for this, uh, this caller, because

36:08

it deals with the whole issue. Where does anger

36:10

come from, you know? And

36:12

what? How can anger be used in

36:14

a positive way? I think think about

36:16

this. All great

36:19

social reform grew

36:21

out of anger. Hmm. When

36:23

did when did the the practice of slavery

36:25

stop in this country? When

36:28

enough people were angry and said, this is not right,

36:30

this is not right. And

36:32

they we saw the changes take place.

36:34

So, uh, it's not it's

36:36

not the anger. It's how we respond

36:39

to the anger and how we respond

36:41

to the other person's anger. So I

36:43

deal with all of that in this book in terms

36:45

of recognizing that

36:47

there's really two kinds of anger. One

36:49

is what might be called good anger or righteous

36:52

anger. And that's when someone has done

36:54

wrong. And we should be angry

36:56

at wrong at evil. But

36:59

the other is we get angry

37:01

often because we don't get our way and

37:04

our spouse doesn't do what we think they ought

37:06

to do. And and that kind of anger

37:08

is selfish. Anger is we're not getting

37:11

our way. And so we get angry and

37:13

we have to distinguish between these two. And

37:15

then how do you process each of those. And

37:17

the one you certainly are going to confront the

37:19

person who's doing wrong lovingly

37:22

confront them. I mean, that's the instructions

37:24

of the Bible very clearly. Uh, you

37:26

lovingly confront them with their what they're

37:28

doing in their angry outburst

37:30

and hoping that they'll see that and

37:33

we'll begin to work on changing that. Uh,

37:35

I think in terms of your own anger, also,

37:37

if you can distinguish between

37:40

is the person really done wrong

37:42

or did I simply not get my way

37:45

because you handled those differently? The

37:47

other, the last one is selfishness. And you can say,

37:49

Lord, forgive me that I'm so selfish that

37:52

I get angry because they don't load the dishwasher

37:54

like I think they ought to load it or whatever,

37:57

whatever the issue is. And

37:59

you can still talk about the issue, but

38:01

you're not necessarily trying to going to insist

38:04

that they change their behavior because what

38:06

they're doing is not wrong. It's just not what

38:08

you want them to do. So yeah,

38:10

I think you'd find that book very helpless. It's entitled

38:13

anger taming a Powerful

38:15

emotion.

38:16

What if she's dealing

38:18

not with her own anger, but

38:20

with the anger of other people, and she's

38:22

coming up against them because it almost

38:25

sounds like she wants to help change their

38:27

behavior. And she really

38:29

can't. She doesn't have control of that. Right?

38:31

Yeah.

38:32

Yeah. I think in a marriage and a close

38:34

relationship, like a marriage, uh,

38:36

one approach would be to say to her, you

38:38

know, I don't know how you feel about your

38:40

anger, but I

38:43

just want to share with you that I am often

38:45

hurt deeply when you

38:47

lash out at me with the words or

38:49

whatever, whatever it is, you know,

38:52

I'm really hurt deeply. And

38:54

I found this book on anger.

38:57

Would you be willing to read chapter

39:00

one? If

39:02

I read chapter one this week, and

39:04

at the end of the week, we could just ask

39:07

ourselves, is there anything we can learn

39:09

from this chapter? Would

39:11

you be willing to do that with me? That's

39:14

an easy request that

39:16

you're making of them. Yeah, they

39:18

may not respond to that, but

39:21

at least you're opening up a door to

39:23

possibly discussing this whole subject

39:25

of anger. And if they're willing to do chapter

39:27

one, then you do chapter two and just walk through

39:30

the book. And as both of you are walking

39:32

through understanding anger. Chances

39:34

are you're going to begin to see changes in their behavior.

39:37

We have to talk about it. It's not going to just

39:39

go away. We have to talk about it. This

39:41

is one way to open up a conversation.

39:44

That's how I'm going to introduce you from now on.

39:46

He wrote the book on anger, Doctor Gary Chapman,

39:50

and I hope that encourages you

39:52

today. How do you deal with the regret

39:54

you feel about mistakes you made

39:56

when your children were young? That's

39:59

what our next caller wants to know.

40:02

Hi Gary, I've been reading your books for

40:04

some time and listening

40:06

to podcasts as well as listening to you

40:08

and focus on the family. And I want to thank you

40:10

for your for what you put

40:12

out there for all of us to follow.

40:14

I'm just struggling with children who

40:16

are adults now, and

40:19

if I wasn't that perfect mom

40:22

following your advice, then what can I

40:24

do and how can I apply that advice

40:26

today? Thank you. By.

40:29

Well, Chris, I encounter this often in my office

40:31

through the years of parents

40:34

who are regretting, you know, some of

40:36

their behavior when they were raising

40:38

their children, and they see

40:40

how that has impacted their

40:42

child and they're struggling

40:45

with what do I do with that? I

40:47

think the first thing is to simply sit down

40:50

with God and say,

40:52

Lord, I know that I was not

40:54

a perfect parent. So

40:56

will you just bring to my mind where

40:59

I failed? Things

41:01

that I shouldn't have done or said things

41:03

in a way I should not. And you get

41:06

to get your pencil and paper and just

41:08

write them down as God brings them to your mind.

41:11

And then apologize to God about

41:14

those things. And this caller

41:16

may already have done that, because

41:18

it seems to me they obviously are very concerned about

41:20

this. Then you

41:22

go to your your child, your adult child.

41:26

And you say, I've been thinking about my life

41:29

and looking back over my life. And

41:31

I asked God to show me where

41:34

I failed as a parent.

41:36

And he gave me some pretty significant

41:39

things here. And I've asked God

41:41

to forgive me. And I'd

41:44

like to share these with you. And

41:46

I don't know if you can find it in your heart to forgive

41:49

me or not. But I want to

41:51

apologize to you. And

41:53

you just share those things with them. They

41:56

may forgive you, or they may

41:58

say it's too late and walk away,

42:01

but if they walk away,

42:03

they are thinking, I never

42:05

thought I would hear this for coming from my

42:07

mother. They already

42:09

have those feelings, very likely, but they never

42:12

thought they would hear you apologize. What

42:14

I'm saying is, God can use your apology

42:16

to touch their heart and soften

42:18

their heart. So I

42:21

think that's that's that's in

42:23

my mind the first approach to take.

42:26

Now, on the other hand, don't

42:28

think that your

42:30

adult children's behavior

42:32

is totally caused

42:35

by your failures in the past.

42:38

We are all free agents

42:41

and I don't care how we've been treated as children,

42:43

we have the ability, with the help of

42:45

God, to respond differently

42:47

in life and whatever

42:50

negative influences we receive

42:52

from our parents. We don't

42:54

have to be controlled and

42:56

we are not controlled by their behavior.

42:59

Uh, we can have a good life, a healthy

43:01

life, even though our parents did fail us

43:04

at some points because

43:06

there are no perfect parents, for that matter.

43:08

So I guess I'm saying

43:10

to you, don't take the full

43:13

blame of your

43:15

adult children's behavior upon yourself

43:18

and sit around putting yourself down

43:21

because of your past failures.

43:23

Yes, we've all failed.

43:25

Let's deal with it. Let's confess it

43:27

to God. Let's accept his forgiveness.

43:30

That's a that's a apologize to our children.

43:32

But however they respond to us, let

43:34

us go on living our life for God,

43:37

because past failures should

43:40

not be controlling your behavior either.

43:42

This is a new day. And so today,

43:45

let's walk with God. Let's do things

43:47

positive with our lives in spite of the failures

43:49

we may have had in the past. So

43:51

I think that both of those things are important. Dealing

43:53

with our failures, but also not taking upon

43:56

ourselves the full guilt

43:59

of what our adult children

44:01

are doing. You know, listen, God's

44:03

first two children went wrong.

44:05

Yeah. Adam and Eve. They

44:07

had a perfect father, God,

44:10

and they still went wrong. Children

44:13

will make decisions because they're

44:15

human and they're free. And sometimes

44:17

they make decisions that are poor decisions.

44:20

But we are not the

44:22

cause of that. They make

44:24

their own decisions.

44:26

I think that's a good place to stop and

44:28

end the program here today, Gary, with,

44:31

you know, the end of a year, the beginning of a new

44:33

one, looking back, the regrets that you've had.

44:35

And then our featured resource being the

44:37

extraordinary grace of God,

44:39

what we've celebrated with the

44:42

incarnation that God

44:44

cared enough about us to

44:46

enter space and time to

44:48

become one of us. You know, he

44:50

was fully God, yes, but Jesus

44:52

became fully human as well

44:55

and was tempted, just like we

44:57

are. Went through all of the things

44:59

that we go through yet without

45:01

sin, so that he

45:03

could be the perfect sacrifice

45:05

so that he could rob our sin, as

45:07

one of the songwriters say,

45:09

and give us his righteousness.

45:12

And to live in that. I think that's what

45:14

you're encouraging this person to do,

45:16

to live in the truth of that. Yes, you've

45:18

made mistakes, but you're living

45:20

as a child of God who

45:23

is fully loved, fully forgiven,

45:25

and fully accepted, right?

45:27

Absolutely, Chris. And, you know, I think,

45:30

I think the book that we're acknowledging today,

45:32

extraordinary Grace, which

45:34

looks on the ancestors of Jesus,

45:36

and you look at them and you realize,

45:39

oh my goodness, these are ancestors

45:41

of Jesus. And look at the things they did that were

45:43

wrong. You'll be encouraged

45:46

if God can use those people

45:48

and allow them to be ancestors of

45:50

Jesus on the human side, God

45:53

can use you. I don't care what the past

45:55

has been, God has a plan for your

45:57

life. So let's accept his forgiveness.

45:59

Based on what Chris has said that Christ

46:01

did for us, and let's move on

46:04

and live our lives for him and

46:06

with him.

46:07

If you want to find out more about that, go to the website.

46:09

Building relationships with us. There

46:11

are some great resources right there. You can

46:13

take the quiz, the assessment

46:16

for your love language. But you'll also see

46:18

extraordinary grace, how the unlikely

46:20

lineage of Jesus reveals God's

46:23

amazing grace. Just go to

46:25

building relationships with us.

46:27

And next week, helping your

46:30

children put on

46:32

the clothing of compassion,

46:34

kindness, and love.

46:37

A big thank you to our production team

46:39

who worked hard all year long. Steve

46:41

Wick and Janice. Backing building

46:43

relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman

46:45

is a production. In a moody radio in

46:47

association with Moody Publishers,

46:49

a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks

46:52

for listening and Happy New Year!