0:00

Well, what if you were beginning? Didn't start off

0:03

with ooh la la falling in love.

0:05

The love language that I've been giving my wife.

0:07

It's not the love language that she needed.

0:09

I've put up with his verbal abuse. I

0:11

can't take any more.

0:13

I'm trying to stay married.

0:19

Welcome to building relationships

0:21

with Doctor Gary Chapman, author

0:23

of the New York Times bestseller The Five

0:25

Love Languages. Today, your

0:27

questions for this trusted pastor,

0:29

counselor and author as we present our

0:31

February edition of Dear Gary.

0:34

And remember, you can get in on the conversation

0:36

by calling our listener line. Leave

0:39

a brief question for Gary and you might

0:41

hear an answer on a future broadcast.

0:43

Just call 1866424

0:46

Gary and let us know what's on your

0:48

mind. 1866424

0:51

Gary 1-866-424-4279.

0:56

We always have a featured resource we think will help

0:58

you and your relationships. We'll talk about this

1:00

next month with a brand new a

1:02

book that you wrote with doctor Laurel Shaler,

1:05

Gary titled Loving Adopted

1:07

Children. Well, a five

1:09

love Languages approach. Tell me

1:11

a little bit about that.

1:13

Well, you know, uh, Laura came to me

1:15

about the possibility of writing a book

1:17

together on how the love languages can

1:19

help adoptive parents. She

1:22

has two adopted children, and

1:24

she teaches at the Liberty University

1:27

in the counseling department. And

1:29

as I listened to her background, I

1:31

thought, boy, this this is a

1:33

gal that I need to link up with here on

1:35

this book. Uh, because, you

1:37

know, many, many, many adopted parents

1:40

here in this country. And

1:42

some of them have been shocked at

1:44

the response, you know, they've gotten and

1:46

how the difficulties really sometimes

1:48

in raising adopted children. So I

1:50

am very excited about this book. I think

1:53

it's going to help any parent

1:55

who has adopted children.

1:56

It's titled Loving Adopted

1:59

Children. Well, a five love

2:01

languages approach. Can you give me one

2:03

example of an approach

2:06

that that uses the love languages

2:08

with an adoptive child?

2:10

Well, you know, one thing, Chris, is recognizing

2:12

that with adopted children,

2:15

you don't have an emotional

2:17

bond with that child. When

2:19

they come into your family. I don't care

2:21

if you adopt them as a baby. You

2:23

don't have that. It has to be built over

2:25

time. You know, they have an emotional

2:28

attachment to the mother who's carried

2:30

them in the womb for nine months.

2:32

But when you have an adopted child,

2:34

you don't have that bond. And

2:36

then the other factor, of course, is that,

2:39

you know, loving a child in

2:41

those five love languages, and

2:43

particularly as they get a little older, if you adopted

2:45

an older child, uh, knowing

2:48

what their love language is, their primary love

2:50

language is going to help you begin to

2:52

build that emotional bond with them.

2:54

And so I think just understanding

2:57

that this child, you know, has gone

2:59

through it, they have a history. If they're four years

3:01

old, they have a history. If they're nine

3:04

years old, they have a history. And

3:07

we don't know all the time what they have been

3:09

through. And so learning their primary

3:11

love language and speaking, it is a part

3:13

of the process. But even then

3:15

you have to take incremental

3:17

steps. You can't just, you

3:19

know, if physical touch is their language,

3:22

you can't just necessarily give them a hug

3:24

and they're going to accept it in the in the early stages,

3:27

you have to start with, you know, fist bumps

3:29

and pat on the back and work up

3:31

to the hugs as they get to know

3:33

you. Because just as you don't know

3:35

them, they don't know you. You're

3:37

new in their lives.

3:39

I can't wait to talk with Doctor Shaler about

3:41

that. And we'll do that here in

3:43

the next couple of weeks. The title of the

3:45

book is Loving Adopted Children

3:47

well, A five Love

3:49

Languages Approach. It's our featured resource

3:52

at the website building relationships

3:54

with us. All right.

3:56

The first question we have for you today,

3:59

Gary, is an email that I think a lot

4:01

of parents are going to resonate with.

4:03

I have an adult daughter who's in

4:05

her early 30s. From childhood

4:07

on. She went to church and knew God

4:09

loved him. She now lives in a

4:12

Western state. My husband and I are in the Midwest.

4:14

She's dated boys but always

4:16

pick the ones that needed help.

4:19

She never picked anyone to challenge

4:21

her or come alongside her. She

4:23

is now gay and living with a girl

4:25

younger than her. She swears

4:27

she's not gay and she won't admit

4:29

it. I'm hurting. It's been

4:32

a long seven years of this

4:34

and her dad and I can't get over it,

4:36

and it has emotionally affected us.

4:38

I can't be happy and it

4:40

feels like I'm just getting through life.

4:43

I'm very depressed. I feel hate toward

4:45

the girl she's with. This girl

4:47

has been married to a man before and then found

4:49

my daughter. How do I get through

4:52

and handle my daughter and the girl?

4:54

I'm hurt, angry. She has

4:57

rocked our world upside down

4:59

and I'm ashamed. Please

5:01

help.

5:02

Well, Chris.

5:04

I think there are many parents who can identify

5:07

with this email because

5:10

many times our children as

5:13

adults live

5:16

a lifestyle. That's not what

5:18

we taught them. That's not found

5:20

in the Bible. And it's very,

5:22

very difficult for parents to

5:24

deal with the pain and the hurt

5:27

that they feel when

5:29

their child is choosing a lifestyle

5:31

that is something that they know

5:34

is not God's will and God's plan for them.

5:37

There's a couple of things I think we have to grapple

5:39

with. One is

5:42

that God gives us

5:44

freedom. We are

5:46

not robots. God

5:48

did not program us, that we can only do

5:50

what's right and only follow

5:53

him. He gave us freedom

5:55

as humans and

5:57

with that freedom. Throughout history.

6:00

Humans have made poor decisions

6:04

and parents have suffered

6:06

pain from their children

6:08

who make poor decisions. So

6:11

I think we have to recognize that we cannot

6:13

erase the reality that

6:15

our children have choice.

6:18

God gave it to them. Yes,

6:21

we are hurt when they're making decisions

6:23

that we know are not going to be healthy

6:25

for them. But

6:27

I think, again, we have to do the same

6:29

thing God did. We have

6:31

to give them freedom to make

6:34

their choices and to

6:36

live with the consequences. Because

6:38

for every choice, there are consequences. And

6:40

so we have to give them the same freedom that God gives

6:42

them. You know, it's always been interesting

6:45

to me when the prodigal son

6:47

in the New Testament left,

6:49

his father asked for his inheritance early

6:52

and then left and

6:54

wasted his inheritance. That

6:57

father did not go after him

7:00

and try to talk him into,

7:02

you know, changing his mind or being

7:04

a wise steward of the money he'd received.

7:07

He stayed home and kept

7:09

the farm going so

7:11

that when that adult son came to the end

7:14

of the road that he had chosen and

7:16

he ended up in the hog pen feeding

7:18

pigs, he had

7:20

a place to come home to. I

7:23

think that's a lesson for parents, you

7:25

know, when our adult child is made

7:27

decisions and living a lifestyle that

7:29

is painful to us, we need

7:31

to keep the farm going. We

7:33

need to keep working on our marriage

7:35

relationship, not allow

7:37

this to pull us apart. Yes,

7:40

we're both hurting, but in our

7:42

pain we have to recognize.

7:44

Listen, this is not the end of the world for us.

7:46

We have a life to live. Let's

7:49

focus on growing together

7:51

through this pain. So

7:53

that if and when our daughter

7:55

comes to the end of the road and comes

7:57

back in repentance to God, we

8:01

she will have a place to come home to. Let's

8:04

communicate to her. We love her.

8:06

We love her no matter what she does.

8:08

Because God loves us no matter what

8:10

we do. He always loves

8:12

us, and he always stands ready

8:15

to forgive us and receive us.

8:17

So don't break the

8:19

ties with that daughter. Let

8:21

her know she's loved by you.

8:23

Let her know. Yes. You don't agree

8:26

with with her decisions. You don't agree.

8:28

And it's it's very painful for you as a parent.

8:30

But you love her no matter what.

8:33

If she lives with that reality,

8:36

then there's always a place

8:38

to come back to when she gets to

8:40

the end of the rope. So those

8:42

are my thoughts, Chris. It's a hard journey.

8:45

I'm not minimizing the pain in any

8:47

way. It is a hard journey, but I

8:49

think we have to treat those children

8:51

the way God treats us as

8:53

his children.

8:54

There's so much in there, the ill

8:57

will that she feels toward,

8:59

you know, the girl's partner, the

9:02

not feeling I can't live anymore.

9:04

And it's like, okay, so

9:07

it's almost a choice that you have

9:09

to make. Even though I'm going through,

9:12

you know, this valley here,

9:14

I'm going to choose to live today. And

9:16

I have a friend who's going through much the same,

9:18

you know, something similar to this and have

9:20

seen pictures of we

9:22

chose to go to, you

9:24

know, go out to I'd go out to dinner as

9:26

a couple, uh, a

9:28

husband and wife and to still

9:31

celebrate birthdays rather

9:33

than, uh, saying, this

9:35

is way to sit down so much that we can't live

9:37

anymore. It's not that you like.

9:39

You say you're not pushing

9:41

that away. The the hurt

9:44

and the lament for a season,

9:47

but you're allowing yourself to

9:49

go ahead and live.

9:51

And that's a choice, isn't it?

9:53

Absolutely, absolutely. Chris, we

9:55

don't need to let our children's decisions

9:58

negatively impact our

10:00

lives. We want to demonstrate

10:03

with, as God's children, we can

10:05

live together in our marriage,

10:08

and we can enhance our marriage relationship.

10:10

And we can know that God

10:12

still has things for us to do, ministry

10:14

for us to do. And we can invest

10:17

our lives in helping people who want to be helped.

10:19

So yeah, it's just

10:21

it's tragic when we allow

10:23

the decisions of our adult children

10:25

to destroy our lives. You

10:28

know, the emotional pain is there to be sure. And

10:30

yet, if you need to get counseling

10:32

to help you walk through the pain of that,

10:34

but let's not allow their

10:36

decisions to control

10:38

us. We have a choice

10:40

on how we're going to respond to our

10:43

pain and to our hurt.

10:45

Our program is building relationships

10:47

with Doctor Gary Chapman. And this is

10:50

our Dear Gary broadcast for

10:52

February. If you have a relationship

10:54

question, call our number 1866424.

10:58

Gary. This is not a counseling line.

11:00

We can't call you back. But if

11:02

you'll keep your question as brief as possible,

11:04

we'll try to address it here on the program.

11:07

Our featured resource today is a book

11:09

by Doctor Chapman and Doctor Laurel

11:11

Shaler. It's titled Loving

11:13

Adopted Children. Well, a

11:15

five love languages approach.

11:17

Go to building relationships us

11:20

to find out more. Again, building

11:22

relationships with us.

11:24

Well, you may not know this, but Doctor Chapman

11:26

goes around the country presenting seminars.

11:29

And here's a question that comes

11:31

from one of those sessions.

11:34

Hi, Gary. We were

11:36

at the marriage conference on

11:38

Saturday when you were talking

11:41

about praying together. My

11:43

husband understood what you were saying

11:46

one way I understood it another way.

11:48

And my understanding was hold

11:51

hands. Those people start

11:53

praying and whoever

11:56

gets finished says Amen

11:59

first. And then when the other one gets

12:01

finished, they say, Amen. My

12:03

husband thought that

12:05

you were saying, for one

12:08

of us to start. Pray

12:10

say Amen. Then the other ones

12:13

start praying and they say Amen. But

12:16

if you could let us know.

12:19

Thanks, brother. Okay,

12:24

well, I was trying to do was help couples

12:26

who don't pray together, learn

12:29

how to get started. And

12:31

what I was suggesting is that they

12:34

pray silently. So

12:36

you hold hands, you close

12:38

your eyes, and then

12:40

each of you pray silently. And

12:42

then whoever finishes their prayer

12:44

says Amen. But they hang on.

12:46

Hold on the hand until the other person says

12:49

Amen. So don't

12:51

necessarily take sides in this argument.

12:53

You hear over it, over

12:55

this thing. But my

12:57

my thought was you're praying at the same

12:59

time after you close your eyes,

13:02

you're both praying at the same time, but

13:04

one of you will finish your prayer before the other.

13:06

So you say Amen, so they know you're through.

13:08

Then they can say amen when they're

13:11

through. Okay, I hope that helps.

13:13

I can see where the confusion

13:15

would be, though, because most people think

13:17

of praying as I'm going to, you

13:19

know, dear God or Jesus. Here's

13:22

you know, what we bring. So you do that and

13:24

you do that. Or if you're praying silently,

13:26

then the you're holding hands in

13:28

the air. A man is the cue

13:30

to the other person. I'm done. But I'm still

13:32

here, right?

13:34

That's right. Absolutely, absolutely.

13:36

If we're praying out loud, we wouldn't both be praying at the

13:38

same time. So I can understand,

13:40

you know, how he how he her husband

13:43

interpreted that? Yeah.

13:45

Um, have you heard from couples who've

13:47

said that helped change

13:50

us? And we actually do pray together now?

13:52

Yeah, I have, because, you know,

13:54

Chris, any couple can do that. Even.

13:57

I had a I had a lady one time say to me, she's

13:59

after I shared that she, she came up and she said,

14:01

I don't think I can do that. And I said, why? She

14:03

said, well, I'm not I'm not a Christian. She said,

14:05

I'm a, I'm a, I'm a Wiccan. I'm a witch,

14:08

and I really don't believe in God.

14:10

And so how can I pray with my husband?

14:13

And I said, well, how about this?

14:15

What if you hold his hand, close

14:18

your eyes as a way of respecting

14:20

Him and His belief in God,

14:23

and let him pray. And

14:25

she said, oh, well, I guess I could do that,

14:27

you know? I'm

14:30

just trying to help couples begin

14:32

the practice of coming to God together,

14:35

even if it's in silence. And I

14:37

say, you know, you cannot come to God together

14:39

every day, and it not

14:41

begin to affect the way you treat each other.

14:44

Yeah. And I said, you know, probably

14:47

six months down the road, one of you

14:49

might slip up and pray out loud one night, you

14:51

know. And then the other

14:53

thing I do, you know, I have a devotional.

14:56

The one year love language minute devotional

14:58

for for couples where there's

15:00

a scripture verse, there's a devotional

15:03

that I've written, and then there's a prayer that

15:05

I've written. And I said, at

15:07

some juncture you might want to begin using

15:09

this devotional. And

15:11

on one night the wife can read

15:13

the whole thing, including the prayer.

15:16

So she's praying out loud, even though

15:18

she's reading a prayer that I wrote. But she's saying

15:20

it out loud. The next night he

15:22

would read the devotional and he would read the prayer.

15:25

So now they're actually hearing themselves

15:28

each other pray out loud. And

15:30

I said, uh, I think you'll

15:32

find that to help you develop where you

15:34

get to where you can just pray out loud without

15:36

prayers that I've written, you know. Oh,

15:40

just trying to help people spend time

15:43

coming to God together.

15:45

You know, we've done this program for a long time.

15:47

That's the first time I've ever heard that story

15:49

about the the woman who came up to

15:51

you and her religion. And it strikes

15:54

me that the the Five Love

15:56

languages has gotten so far into

15:58

the culture that there are people

16:00

with all kinds of belief systems

16:02

or no belief system at all, I would

16:04

say, who are being affected

16:06

by this.

16:08

Well, you're right, Chris, and when I wrote the

16:10

Five Love Languages, I really wrote

16:12

it with non-Christians in mind.

16:15

Uh, because, you know, you won't find a lot of scriptures

16:17

in there, even though all those love languages

16:19

are in the scriptures, you know, everywhere in

16:21

the scriptures. But I was trying to

16:23

write it so that a person wouldn't,

16:25

in the first chapter, you know, see Scripture verses

16:28

and say, oh, this is a religious book. You know,

16:30

just throw it aside. Because,

16:32

listen, God loves even people that aren't

16:34

Christians. Listen, we were all unchristian

16:36

non-Christians. He loved

16:39

us when we were sinners and sent Christ to die for

16:41

us. So, uh, I'm just

16:43

trying to help people in their marriage,

16:45

wherever they are, in their journey with God.

16:48

If you go to building relationships with

16:50

us, you can find some great resources

16:53

like that devotional that Gary just

16:55

mentioned. Just go to building relationships

16:58

with us. I want to set up

17:00

our next caller, Gary, so that you

17:02

can hear the emotion he has

17:05

about his situation. He says

17:07

he met a woman a few years ago who was going

17:09

through a breakup, and he was there

17:11

for her in that time. They fell in love,

17:13

they married, they have children. And

17:15

he says he is the problem

17:17

in the relationship now.

17:20

He well, listen to what

17:22

he says next.

17:24

Hello, Gary. I've

17:26

been unfaithful for my wife. And.

17:31

Right now it seems

17:34

like it's over with. I

17:36

just read five Love Languages

17:38

yesterday, page the cover

17:40

to cover and one day,

17:43

and the love

17:45

language that I've been given my life. This

17:47

is not the love language that she said she needed.

17:50

And now I'm giving her her acts of service.

17:53

But it's too late and I would love

17:55

to hear from you. And I would

17:57

love to try and fix this. I'm doing everything I

17:59

can, but I just feel like. Our

18:02

relationships are over with. And

18:04

I read the book cover to cover, and I read

18:06

about the marriages of 17 years of

18:08

misery. I'm only six

18:10

years in, and I would love

18:13

to be able to figure out how I

18:15

can grow old with my

18:17

with my wife and my family and

18:21

and climb Mount Everest every single

18:23

day and love. So

18:26

I want to thank you for the book. And

18:28

if I don't find the love with my

18:30

wife, I hope that I can find love with

18:32

whomever it may be my kids,

18:35

my family, whoever

18:37

it may be.

18:39

Well, Chris, as you said, you can feel the pain

18:41

and the hurt in his voice.

18:45

Uh, I'm glad he's read the five love languages.

18:47

I have had many people say,

18:49

I wish I'd read that book 20 years ago.

18:52

You know, it would have made a difference in my life

18:54

back then. Uh,

18:57

but a lot of things have happened since then

18:59

like he's going through. And

19:02

these situations do sometimes end in divorce.

19:05

There's no question about that, because he

19:07

cannot make his wife,

19:09

you know, give him forgiveness and

19:12

work on their marriage. He can't make her do that.

19:15

Now, if they're still living together

19:17

in the same house, he can

19:19

speak her love language now, acts of

19:21

service. But as he said, she's likely

19:24

saying to herself and to him,

19:26

it's too late. I mean, I appreciate the

19:28

fact you're doing these things now, but it's too

19:30

late. There is one other book

19:32

that I would really encourage this

19:34

gentleman to read, and

19:36

his wife if she would. It's called

19:39

One More Try what

19:41

to do when your marriage is falling Apart,

19:44

and it's written to people who

19:46

are separated for the most

19:48

part, uh, some of them

19:50

are contemplating separation and divorce.

19:53

Uh, but I think you'll find that book to be very

19:55

helpful, because

19:57

if both of you could read it, which would

20:00

be ideal. But again, you can't make her

20:02

read it. You know, you you can

20:04

you can say, you know, would

20:06

you be willing to read this book together?

20:08

But you read it yourself,

20:11

and I think you'll find some things that maybe

20:13

you can do from your

20:15

perspective. I would say you probably have

20:17

already done this, but there needs to be genuine

20:19

repentance. Acknowledging

20:22

your failure, you know, openly and honestly,

20:25

not trying to hide it. And

20:27

I'm assuming you have already broken off

20:29

that other relationship. I hope that's

20:31

true. If not, it certainly should be

20:33

true. And then

20:36

acknowledged to her that you've read this book,

20:38

The Five Love Languages, and you realize

20:40

that you you fail to speak her language

20:42

all these years, and

20:44

you wish you had read that earlier,

20:47

but you want her to know that

20:49

you will speak her language

20:51

if she's willing to give you another, another

20:53

opportunity. But I

20:55

think read, read that one more try book

20:58

first, and also say to

21:00

her, you know, I

21:03

am willing to go for counseling with you

21:05

if you are willing to go. And

21:08

at least let's see if there's a possibility

21:10

that we can rebuild our relationship.

21:13

Again, you can't make her go to counseling,

21:16

but you can offer and and

21:18

tell her you would love to go for counseling with

21:20

her. If she's unwilling,

21:22

you can also say to her, well, I'm

21:25

going to go for counseling myself because

21:27

I need help. I

21:30

need help. And maybe

21:32

if she sees you actually going for counseling,

21:34

she will say, oh my goodness, he is

21:36

really sincere. He is really open

21:39

to change. And then she may be

21:41

open to go

21:43

go to counseling with you. So

21:45

I would say, don't give up on your

21:47

side. Don't give up too quickly. I

21:50

understand how she can be at the place where she

21:52

thinks it's over. You know she's going to have nothing

21:54

else to do with you after what you've done.

21:56

And you have to give her that freedom. Don't

21:59

preach to her. Don't tell her you

22:01

know. Well, the Bible says you've got to forgive me, you know?

22:03

No, no, don't preach to her. Uh,

22:05

because she's going through a lot of pain.

22:07

When a spouse is unfaithful in a marriage,

22:10

it's deeply painful to the other person.

22:13

So acknowledge that and

22:16

allow her the freedom to to

22:18

have those feelings and to work through those

22:20

feelings. But just let her know

22:22

that you have totally repented of that. You've

22:24

totally turned away from that. And

22:26

that's not what you want in life. You

22:28

very much want to to

22:31

work on the marriage, whatever. It has

22:33

to be done, whatever has to be done. So,

22:36

uh, keep praying that God will work

22:38

in her heart, maybe bring someone,

22:41

a friend in her life that would

22:43

encourage her to get counseling. So

22:46

don't give up too soon, I guess, is what I'm saying.

22:48

Okay, God can work miracles.

22:51

You know what I loved about his message?

22:53

That he read it cover to cover? I think that

22:56

shows the depth of the desire.

22:58

You know, it's like, this is water

23:01

for somebody who's thirsty

23:03

for a little bit of hope. And you were giving

23:05

that. But there's also regret in there.

23:07

You know, I didn't do this and I didn't

23:09

do that and why. And, and so

23:11

rather than kicking yourself, you know,

23:13

for that, as you've said,

23:16

do the positive thing, move toward her

23:18

as much as possible, but allow her

23:21

to respond. And in the timing

23:23

is always important to, isn't it?

23:26

Yeah, absolutely. Chris,

23:28

it takes time for a person to

23:31

halfway work through the pain and

23:33

emotions that's caused by a spouse

23:36

being unfaithful and for that

23:38

spouse to pressure them, you know,

23:40

and kind of preach to them, uh,

23:42

that doesn't help at all. It's

23:44

just identifying with their pain and

23:46

saying, I can see how I've broken your heart.

23:49

I mean, I, I am crying because

23:51

of what I've done to you. Uh,

23:53

and when she sees that you are sincere

23:56

and that you are willing to turn

23:58

around and speak our language and, you

24:01

know, open to doing whatever needs

24:03

to be done so that you can have the kind

24:05

of marriage you dreamed of having. And he

24:07

mentions that he had children,

24:10

you know, and the

24:13

divorce. Yeah. Can get her

24:15

out of the situation. But,

24:18

boy, it creates another whole stream

24:20

of problems with those children.

24:23

Uh, as well as, you know. Well, anybody

24:25

that's gone through a divorce will tell you, man,

24:27

this was not easy. This was difficult.

24:31

Well, the book that I've just mentioned

24:33

or that Gary just mentioned is One More

24:35

Try, and that's another resource

24:37

you can find at Building relationships,

24:39

not us building relationships

24:43

with us. You'll see a drop down

24:45

menu for some resources and you'll

24:47

find it right there.

24:48

This is building relationships with

24:51

Doctor Gary Chapman, New York Times

24:53

bestselling author of The Five Love

24:55

Languages. If you enjoy our

24:57

program, visit our website for more

24:59

ways to strengthen your relationships.

25:01

You'll find our featured resource at Building

25:04

Relationships Us, the book

25:06

by doctor Laurel Shaler and Doctor Chapman.

25:08

Loving adopted children well,

25:11

a five love languages approach

25:13

again, go to building relationships

25:15

with us to find out more.

25:17

You can also hear a podcast of today's program

25:20

and suggest it to somebody else. I

25:22

think that's part of the help that this program can

25:24

give you here a question that somebody else

25:26

might benefit from. So tell

25:28

them about that. Send into building relationships

25:31

with us, and you'll be able

25:33

to listen to this program absolutely

25:36

free building relationships

25:38

with us. Now, a caller

25:40

who's trying to stay married but

25:43

doesn't feel loved by his wife.

25:46

Hi, Gary.

25:47

I have a question

25:50

and my wife puts me fourth. The

25:52

son, the dog,

25:54

the other dog, and then the daughter. Then

25:56

I guess I'm fifth and then me.

25:59

And it doesn't. It's

26:01

never going to change. I'm trying

26:04

to stay married.

26:06

Well, obviously, this, uh, this man

26:08

is struggling in a in a marriage and

26:10

feels that his wife, he's he's last

26:12

on the list of her priorities, and

26:15

anybody can identify with that.

26:18

You know, Chris, one of the things that the caller

26:20

said, it's never going to change.

26:23

And I just like to say that's not

26:25

true. It is

26:28

going to change. It's going

26:30

to get better or it's going to get worse.

26:32

It will not stay where it is. It

26:34

will change. I understand what he

26:37

was saying. You know, he's given up hope.

26:39

He thinks she's never going to make

26:41

him a priority. Let

26:43

me share one one concept. The

26:45

Bible says we love God

26:48

because God first loved us,

26:50

and God loved us while

26:53

we were still sinners and

26:55

sent Christ to die for us. The

26:57

most positive influence this

27:00

young man can have on his wife is

27:02

to love her unconditionally

27:05

in her love language. And

27:08

if he hasn't read the love language five Love Languages,

27:10

I would suggest that'd be the first thing for him to do.

27:13

Read the five love languages. Understand

27:16

the concept that your wife

27:18

has a primary love language. You're

27:20

married to her even though

27:23

you feel hurt and left out. God

27:26

can give you the ability to

27:28

love her. Romans

27:30

chapter five and verse five says, the love

27:32

of God is poured into our hearts by

27:34

the Holy Spirit. So if you're

27:36

willing to say to God, Lord, you

27:39

know the person I'm married to,

27:41

you know how they treat me. You

27:43

know that I don't feel loved,

27:46

but I'm opening my heart and

27:48

asking you to pour your love into me

27:50

and let me be your agent for loving her.

27:54

You don't have to have positive feelings toward her

27:56

to love her in her love language.

27:58

Your God's representative and

28:01

your love may well stimulate

28:04

her love. You see, we respond

28:06

to God. He loved us first. The same principle

28:08

is true in human relationships. You

28:11

initiate loving her unconditionally

28:14

in her love language no matter how she

28:16

treats you. You're

28:18

not very likely to see in time.

28:20

Give it six months in which you're

28:22

speaking her love language every week for six

28:24

months, no matter how she treats you. I

28:27

think you'll see something begin to happen inside

28:29

of her when she sees you

28:31

loving her in a way that's meaningful

28:33

to her. She may well

28:35

begin to respond to you in a different way.

28:37

Don't give up. You cannot

28:40

make your spouse change. That's true.

28:42

But you can influence her. And

28:45

the most positive influence is

28:47

for you to love her unconditionally

28:50

in her love language over a period

28:52

of time. And just see what happens.

28:55

Let me piggyback onto that

28:57

with a call from our next listener,

29:00

who has taken a really hard look at her relationship,

29:03

her past, how her

29:05

marriage got started. How's Gary

29:07

going to handle this situation? Here we

29:09

go.

29:11

Hi Gary. I have a question

29:13

about relationships, reading

29:15

your five love languages,

29:18

and some other things most people

29:20

counselors talk about. Remember

29:23

in the beginning? Well,

29:25

what if you're beginning? Didn't start off

29:27

with ooh la la falling in love?

29:29

What if it was more somebody

29:32

was depressed and somebody else

29:34

had urges? Where do you go

29:36

from there? Thanks a lot.

29:38

Have a great day. Bye bye.

29:41

Well, you know, we do typically think in our

29:43

culture that you

29:46

fall in love and that falling

29:48

in love is the foundation for

29:50

marriage. Well,

29:53

the reality is, what we call falling

29:55

in love has an average lifespan

29:57

of two years and

29:59

we come down off that high. If

30:02

you had a bad start, that is,

30:04

you didn't fall in love. Somebody

30:07

was depressed and somebody reached out,

30:09

you know, and began to a relationship

30:12

on something other than what we call

30:14

falling in love. Because

30:17

the falling in love experience is temporary.

30:19

It's not the foundation for marriage.

30:22

So whatever motivated

30:24

you to get married? What

30:27

you need now is to understand

30:29

how to build a marriage

30:31

with the person you're married to, and

30:34

the love language book can help you do that. Because,

30:36

you see, this kind of love starts

30:38

with an attitude. And

30:41

the attitude is this I'm

30:43

married to you and I choose.

30:47

To have an attitude of love, which

30:49

means I want to do

30:51

whatever I can to enrich your

30:53

life. I want to help

30:55

you become the person you believe

30:57

God wants you to be. And

30:59

with the help of God, you

31:01

can speak the other person's love language,

31:04

which is going to touch them emotionally.

31:06

And if they in turn speak

31:08

your love language, it's going to touch

31:11

you emotionally. So yes, emotions

31:13

come back. We

31:15

are emotional creatures, and

31:18

one of our deepest emotional needs

31:20

as humans is the need to

31:22

feel loved by the significant

31:25

people in your life. And if you're

31:27

married, the person you would most like

31:29

to love you is your spouse. But

31:32

the way we create those emotions

31:34

is not waiting for them to happen.

31:36

Say people just say, well, I just don't have love feelings

31:39

anymore. You don't wait for those feelings

31:41

to come back. No. You choose an attitude

31:44

of love, and then you learn

31:46

how to express love in a meaningful

31:48

way to your spouse. That's the whole

31:51

story of the five love language book.

31:53

You learn their love language and

31:55

you choose to speak their love language.

31:57

Even if you don't feel loved yourself

31:59

and you're meeting one of their deep emotional

32:01

needs, and then they begin

32:03

to reciprocate, they begin to meet your

32:05

need. So yeah, we all want to

32:07

feel love. We all need to feel love. But

32:10

the foundation of

32:12

falling in love is not

32:15

the foundation for building it,

32:17

because it's temporary. It's going to. Everybody

32:19

comes down off the high. So

32:21

whatever led you to get married?

32:24

You can have a good marriage

32:26

if you ask God to give

32:28

you an attitude of love,

32:30

which is the attitude that Christ said, you

32:33

know, and we're called to have the attitude

32:35

of Christ toward our spouse, that

32:38

that can save a marriage.

32:41

Maybe a good first step would just be to go

32:43

to the website. It's absolutely free to take the

32:45

assessment. A building

32:47

relationship for us. You can

32:49

pull down the assessment

32:51

for five Love languages and you can

32:53

answer in his stead. You

32:55

know, you can answer your husband's dead and find

32:57

out what his is. Or ask some really good questions

33:00

that Gary leads you through

33:03

so that you can see, oh, this is how

33:05

I express love or feel love,

33:07

and this is how my spouse does.

33:10

And that might be a good first step

33:12

to you. So go to building relationships

33:14

with us. But wait, there's

33:17

more Gary, because our next caller

33:19

wants to reconcile, but

33:21

he's in a legal bind. Here's

33:23

our next caller.

33:26

Hey, uh, my question is, I'm

33:28

six months into filing a divorce

33:30

because my spouse refused to

33:33

work together to

33:35

communicate his marital relations,

33:37

to reconcile, to see

33:40

a marriage therapist, a

33:42

counselor, a pastor.

33:45

There's still a part of me that wants

33:47

to, um, somehow reconcile.

33:50

And I tried to extend myself to her,

33:52

but, you know, she even put a cease and desist

33:55

order and an order of

33:57

protection. Where I guess I'm going to be arrested

33:59

if I communicate to her. So

34:01

my question is, I've always tried

34:04

to do a Christian perspective with

34:06

my situation, and I still want

34:08

there to be reconciliation, but I'm still trying to be

34:10

assertive in protecting,

34:13

you know, my, uh, life safety

34:15

and welfare because she did, um,

34:17

demonstrate deprivation, uh,

34:19

exclusivity. I do

34:22

think she, you know, just tried to hurt me internally

34:24

and everything. So, um.

34:26

Yeah, it's a bizarre situation.

34:29

Um, but I'd still like to have hope

34:31

in God doing a.

34:34

Okay. Right there is where his call cut

34:36

off Gary. But I think you have the

34:38

gist of what he was asking.

34:41

Yeah, it sounds like that his

34:43

wife is insisting on divorce,

34:46

and it's been a six month process,

34:49

and that she now has

34:51

taken legal steps, that he cannot contact

34:54

her. And I

34:56

think he has to abide by those,

34:58

you know, he can't violate that

35:01

or he he will be arrested. I

35:03

think the starting place is for

35:06

him to pray that God

35:08

will work in her heart, bring

35:10

people into her life who

35:12

may help her have a different perspective.

35:15

And God certainly has a way of doing that.

35:17

God will not make his wife

35:19

do anything. But God does have

35:21

a way of influencing and bringing

35:23

people into our lives that can influence them.

35:25

I think the other thing is for him not to

35:28

have the same attitude she has at this point.

35:31

That is him. Not to think in terms of

35:33

what can I do to make her suffer. And

35:35

I don't think he has that attitude. I didn't

35:37

gather that. But taking revenge

35:39

on her and and putting her down

35:42

is not anything that's going to be helpful.

35:44

I think she knows that he

35:46

wants to work on the marriage. It appears

35:48

like that. She knows that, but she's

35:51

not willing to work on it. Now, there are

35:53

reasons why. And of course, I have no

35:55

idea what the background of this situation

35:57

is. And she probably has a lot of reasons

35:59

why she is where she is in

36:02

terms of his behavior. Uh,

36:04

so at any rate, he's

36:07

limited in terms of what he can do

36:09

in having physical contact with her and

36:11

talking with her, but

36:13

he's not limited in talking to

36:15

God. And I would say,

36:17

use this time to build

36:19

your own relationship with God.

36:22

Begin to develop a deeper

36:24

relationship with God. Spend time

36:26

reading Christian books, spend time

36:29

reading the Bible every single day and asking

36:32

God to show you what can make

36:34

you a person that would

36:36

be following his plan.

36:38

So you know life's deepest

36:40

meaning is found in a relationship with God,

36:43

not in a relationship with a

36:45

wife or with children. Those

36:48

are important. But but first

36:50

of all, it starts with a relationship with God.

36:52

So I would say use the pain

36:54

and hurt that you're feeling and the frustration

36:56

that you're feeling. Use

36:59

that to push you to spend more time

37:01

with God and maybe get counseling yourself,

37:04

you know, just to help you grow in your relationship

37:06

with God and process your own emotions

37:09

because, uh, you know,

37:11

sitting down with the counselor and sharing your story

37:13

and, and getting some ideas in terms

37:16

of how you can cope with your own feelings

37:18

and your own frustrations will be helpful

37:20

for you.

37:22

This is building relationships

37:24

with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of

37:26

the New York Times bestseller The Five

37:28

Love Languages. You can find out

37:30

more about that at our website. Building

37:32

Relationships Us, as well

37:34

as our featured resource, the book Loving

37:36

Adopted Children. Well, just

37:39

go to building relationships with us.

37:41

And remember, if you hear something on the program

37:44

that you want to respond to an

37:46

answer Doctor Chapman gives that you think

37:48

was great or not so great, just call us

37:50

1866424

37:53

Gary 866424

37:57

Gary. She's doing

37:59

all she can for nearly 40 years.

38:01

Is there hope? Here's our next caller.

38:05

Hi, Gary. I don't know if you

38:07

can help me. Or I

38:09

should say, us. We've been together

38:12

for 39 years. I'm

38:14

married to a narcissist. I'm

38:16

doing everything I can to try to save

38:18

this marriage, but I'm

38:20

not sure I can save it. He's

38:23

been dishonest with me from

38:25

day one, and

38:28

I have very serious trust issues.

38:30

It's still all about him. He doesn't understand

38:33

that. I don't know if you can

38:35

help us, but I sure would

38:37

appreciate if you could give us any advice

38:39

or where to go for counseling. We live in Colorado,

38:42

but I'm hanging on by a thread

38:44

and actually, we've been separated

38:47

for three months right now. He

38:49

was so verbally abusive that

38:51

I finally left. And, um,

38:53

I've put up with his verbal abuse

38:56

for 39 years and I can't

38:58

take anymore. So I don't

39:00

know. Maybe you can give us some advice.

39:03

I hope you have a great weekend and

39:05

thanks so much. Bye.

39:08

Well, Chris, I think, uh, you know, our listeners,

39:11

many of them can identify with what this lady

39:13

is saying because they've lived

39:15

in similar situations. Yes.

39:18

I think counseling would be

39:21

almost a necessity if there's

39:23

going to be any hope in this situation.

39:25

But I would not wait for

39:28

him to join you in counseling.

39:31

I would go for counseling. You're just

39:33

you if he's not willing to go, which

39:36

apparently he's not willing to go because

39:39

you need you need a counselor to

39:41

help you work through all

39:43

the pain struggles you've had for these last

39:45

39 years and

39:47

process those things. If

39:50

he sees you going for counseling,

39:53

it may at some juncture stimulate

39:55

him to say, okay, I'm

39:57

willing. I'm willing to go, and I've got

39:59

to work on myself. You say

40:01

you can't work on him, but you can

40:03

work on you in terms of finding

40:06

a counselor if you're in Colorado. I

40:08

would suggest you call focus on

40:10

the family. You may be familiar

40:12

with that. It's a Christian radio program

40:14

that's been on for years. They

40:16

have counselors who will talk to you on the phone.

40:19

They will not do long term counseling with

40:21

you, but they will hear your

40:23

story, and they will give you the name

40:25

and contact information of counselors

40:28

in your area of Colorado.

40:30

They are located in Colorado Springs.

40:33

I would say, you know, go online,

40:35

focus on the family and

40:37

and get their phone number and call them.

40:40

Tell them your situation. Tell them you'd

40:42

like to talk with a counselor, and

40:44

then let that counselor begin to give

40:46

you wisdom, or where you can find a counselor

40:48

in your area. So it's

40:50

not going to go away with the passing of time.

40:52

39 years is a long time.

40:55

And if you've lived with this pattern all these years,

40:57

it's not going away on its own.

40:59

It will only change if

41:02

he ultimately is willing

41:05

to get help, but that

41:07

may well start with you getting

41:09

help. I know in

41:11

your mind he's the total problem and

41:13

he's the one that needs to be going. But

41:16

you can set an example by going yourself,

41:18

and you need help to process

41:20

the pain and hurt that you're feeling after

41:22

all these years.

41:24

Well, I mentioned that phone number just a minute ago

41:26

that you can call and leave a message or

41:28

a response. 1866424

41:32

Gary, here's someone who

41:35

called recently about a

41:37

program that we aired a previous

41:39

Dear Gary broadcast.

41:42

I was listening to your program today

41:44

and just had two comments about

41:46

difficulties with marriage partners.

41:49

If pornography is involved,

41:52

perhaps the

41:54

spouse who's not interested in

41:57

intimacy and marriage and

41:59

is involved in pornography, maybe

42:03

he's getting relief in

42:06

ways that he doesn't need a

42:08

partner. And secondly,

42:10

um, Chris made a comment about,

42:13

um, abusive marriages.

42:16

I would like to make the point that

42:19

someone who's abusive after

42:21

the marriage ceremony, sometimes

42:24

it doesn't show before

42:26

the marriage ceremony because

42:28

they are displaying

42:31

their most loving

42:34

persona before

42:36

the marriage. They

42:39

have almost two personality

42:42

years, one before the marriage

42:44

and one after the marriage. They're

42:47

very good at, um,

42:49

displaying what

42:51

they think you want from a marriage

42:53

partner before the marriage.

42:56

Thank you for listening to my comments.

43:00

Well, Chris, this caller is talking about two different

43:03

things. One is, uh, spouse

43:05

who is on pornography and the other

43:07

is a spouse that is abusive, physically

43:09

abusive, or maybe verbally

43:11

abusive. Both of those

43:13

are serious issues in

43:15

a marriage. I

43:18

would say on the pornography thing,

43:20

a spouse who is not showing interest

43:22

in the sexual part of the marriage

43:25

with his partner, but is

43:27

hooked on pornography. Yes,

43:30

he's living in an unreal world.

43:32

He's meeting a physical need that he has,

43:35

but he's doing it in an unreal world,

43:37

and that is never healthy and

43:39

it's always detrimental to a marriage.

43:42

So. So until

43:44

he is willing to deal with that issue,

43:46

the marriage is not going to get any better. You

43:48

know, he's not going to turn to his wife for sexual

43:50

fulfillment when he's satisfying

43:52

himself in an unreal world. I

43:55

think in both of these cases, whether it's

43:57

pornography or whether

43:59

it's abuse, physical or emotional

44:02

abuse, the first step

44:04

for the partner would be to get

44:06

counseling themselves, because

44:08

they need to learn how to show

44:10

tough love. That

44:12

is, how to ultimately say to

44:14

that person with some confidence,

44:17

but but they should be done. I think after

44:19

talking with a counselor, because you need you're

44:21

going to need help to walk this journey.

44:23

But you're essentially saying to them,

44:25

I love you too much to

44:28

stay here and do nothing and

44:31

let you abuse me the way you're abusing me.

44:33

You cannot be ultimately satisfied

44:36

by abusing me this way. And

44:38

so I'm not abandoning

44:40

you, but I am going to move out,

44:43

and I'm going to move in with my mother or whatever plan

44:45

you have. I'm willing to go for

44:47

counseling any time you want to go. But

44:50

I love you too much to sit here and do

44:52

nothing. It's that kind of

44:54

tough love that is far

44:56

more likely to stimulate

44:58

someone who is being abusive,

45:01

or someone who is on porn

45:03

to reach out and

45:05

say, okay, okay, I've

45:07

got to deal with this and I'll

45:09

go with you for counseling. Now,

45:12

tough love is always more effective

45:15

when it's preceded by

45:17

a period of tender love.

45:20

Here's what I mean. If

45:22

you know your spouse's love language in

45:24

either of these situations, and

45:26

you're speaking it and you have spoken

45:28

it for a period of time, you're

45:31

doing the most positive thing you can do to influence

45:33

them. Then

45:35

if you give tough love,

45:38

they've got something to lose because

45:41

you've been loving them. And they don't deserve

45:43

to be loved. You've been loving them like God

45:45

loves us. And then

45:47

you say to them, you know, I'm moving

45:49

out because I love you too much to stay here

45:52

and do nothing. They're far more

45:54

motivated now because they're about to lose

45:56

someone who's been loving them, where they

45:58

don't deserve to be loved. So

46:00

that's the that's the most positive approach

46:03

that I can suggest.

46:05

Well, before we conclude today, I want to give you that

46:07

number again, where you can call even

46:09

right now and leave a message or question

46:11

for Doctor Chapman. 186642

46:14

for Gary again. (866) 424-4279.

46:21

We'd love to hear from you, and don't forget to

46:23

check out our featured resource, the book by Doctor

46:25

Chapman and Doctor Laurel Shaler.

46:27

Loving adopted children? Well,

46:30

just go to building relationships with

46:32

us.

46:33

And next week, don't miss

46:36

Ed and Lisa Young story

46:38

of loss and the hope they have

46:40

in the midst of.

46:41

Their pain. It'll be an encouraging conversation

46:44

in one week. A big thank you

46:46

to our production team, Steve Wick

46:48

and Janice. Backing building relationships

46:51

with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production

46:53

of Moody Radio in Chicago in association

46:55

with Moody Publishers, a ministry

46:57

of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks

47:00

for listening.