0:00

The online dating thing is always

0:02

the time. A lot of us.

0:03

Have problems loving ourselves.

0:05

How does a parent set boundaries

0:08

with a toxic adult child?

0:10

I'm in a marriage that I

0:13

absolutely no hope whatsoever.

0:18

Welcome to Building relationships

0:20

with Dr. Gary Chapman, author

0:23

of the New York Times bestseller The Five

0:25

Love Languages. Today, our

0:27

Post-thanksgiving, Dear Gary, broadcast

0:30

your questions, feedback and marriage

0:32

issues, as well as issues singles

0:34

are facing hits all straight ahead

0:36

on Moody Radio.

0:38

Here's our number if you want to ask a question on a future

0:40

broadcast. 1866424

0:44

Gary, we would love to hear your voice on the

0:46

program in the future. Won't be taking

0:48

questions live today, but you may get

0:50

an answer on an upcoming Dear Gary

0:52

conversation again. 866424

0:56

Gary. Gary, we've had conversations

0:58

in the past about this, but something

1:00

happens inside when you get to a place

1:02

of giving thanks and it's not

1:05

denying reality. You know bad

1:07

things might be happening. But when you

1:09

choose to be thankful in the middle

1:11

of some tough circumstances, tell

1:14

me what you think about that. What happens?

1:16

Well, you know, Chris, the passage

1:18

says in everything

1:21

give thanks. It doesn't say for

1:24

everything, right? You know,

1:26

we don't thank God for evil that

1:28

people do to us or to other

1:30

people. But in the midst of

1:32

every situation, no

1:34

matter how difficult it is,

1:37

there is something for which we can give

1:39

thanks. And so I think if

1:41

we have that concept and we move,

1:44

then in our mind toward assessing

1:47

the situation and realizing, yes, this is

1:49

painful, it's hard, it's unfair or whatever

1:51

else we feel, and there's usually

1:53

a whole handful of things you can thank God

1:55

for in the midst

1:57

of a very difficult time.

1:59

Yes, exactly.

2:01

Well, our featured resource today is

2:03

a story that you and I wrote together, Gary,

2:05

several years ago, a novella titled

2:07

a marriage Carol. We featured it

2:09

here before you can see a link at

2:11

Building Relationships us. I

2:13

love the cover. It's just this most festive

2:16

read cover, but the

2:18

story's about a couple who basically

2:20

they've given up on their marriage. They're waiting until

2:23

after Christmas to tell the kids about

2:25

their decision, and it just brings up.

2:27

This can be all the festive

2:29

Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's,

2:31

all the festive times we have. This can be

2:33

a really hard time for marriages.

2:36

Can it?

2:37

Well, it can. Chris and I really

2:39

like this, this book, because

2:42

I think it speaks to couples

2:44

who are struggling and, you

2:46

know, they're trying to do the best thing

2:48

not bringing up at Christmas and hurt the kids

2:50

and all that. But it's also a story

2:52

of redemption, you know, and what God can

2:54

do in a marriage. And it reminded

2:56

me this book is parallels, another book

2:58

that I wrote called One More Try What

3:01

to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart.

3:03

But this story that are shared

3:05

in this book, I think couples who

3:07

are even having a good marriage, we're going to find this

3:10

story to be very, very exciting.

3:12

Well, if you go to building relationships.us,

3:15

you can see it right there, a marriage. Carol,

3:17

it's Gary, Chris and Charles

3:19

Dickens again, building

3:21

relationships about us. All right, let's

3:23

go to the phones. I believe this is our

3:25

very first call from Spain

3:28

that we've ever taken on the program.

3:30

Listen to this.

3:32

Hi, Gary. I'm a Catholic priest,

3:34

and I would like to know if you have discovered

3:37

five ways of five

3:39

ways of saying thanks.

3:42

Thank you so much.

3:44

Yeah, that's an interesting question, Chris.

3:48

I have to say, I haven't thought along

3:50

those lines of five

3:52

languages of giving thanks,

3:55

but there is a sense I'm just thinking

3:57

out loud now. There is a sense in which

3:59

the five love languages are

4:02

expressions of of

4:05

thanksgiving. I mean words

4:07

you could express Thanksgiving in words

4:09

you can express Thanksgiving and gifts.

4:12

You know, if someone's done something for you, you want

4:14

to communicate. I really grateful

4:16

for what you've done. And I'm sending

4:18

you a card or whatever. You know, quality

4:21

time, I think,

4:24

would be certainly be a way of saying thanks

4:27

for someone who particularly needs

4:29

quality time and

4:32

acts of service, doing something for

4:34

someone as an act of thanksgiving for

4:36

what you've done for me, I

4:38

don't know. I'm just thinking out loud.

4:41

And physical touch too, because, you.

4:43

Know, so many times I've had a person

4:45

just put their hand on my shoulder

4:47

when I'm struggling and

4:49

just that is like, wow.

4:52

It sends a shiver through you, almost

4:54

like a nerve that is touched there

4:57

because you feel that support. You

4:59

feel that presence of that other person.

5:01

Yeah, I certainly would agree with that.

5:04

And especially, you know, when

5:06

you can put your hand on their shoulder

5:08

while you're verbally thanking them for something,

5:10

you know. Yeah.

5:11

And the first, you know, from Spain

5:13

and a Catholic priest who called all the

5:15

way from Spain to say that to you. I just

5:17

love that the five love languages

5:20

has gotten that far into people's hearts.

5:22

So thank you for your call. 866424.

5:26

Gary, if you want to ask a question,

5:28

Dr. Chapman, like our next caller

5:30

who says I'm related

5:32

to the famous evangelist

5:35

and he wants to talk about love.

5:38

Hi, Gary, this is Alan Moody,

5:40

and yes, I am related. Actually,

5:43

I'm calling from Massachusetts. And

5:45

there's one thing I love your books. I

5:47

it's my second favorite book of my entire

5:50

library. And there's one

5:52

point that I'd like to mention that hasn't

5:54

been touched upon too much

5:56

is the idea that a lot

5:58

of a lot of us have problems with loving

6:01

ourselves. And I've learned that

6:03

the things that I can do for myself

6:05

to demonstrate that love. I've always struggled with

6:07

loving myself because of the ego aspect,

6:10

all of that. But loving myself,

6:12

I can love as a verb.

6:14

I can indeed love myself.

6:18

Well, you know, Jesus said, love your

6:20

neighbor as you love yourself.

6:23

So if you don't love yourself,

6:25

your neighbor doesn't get much. So

6:28

so I think this is a good point.

6:31

I think we are made in God's image.

6:33

And if we're Christians, we are children

6:35

of God. So

6:38

obviously we have been loved by God.

6:40

And if God, a holy

6:43

God, loves us enough

6:45

to make us his children, then

6:47

surely we can love ourselves.

6:49

And so it's not egotism,

6:52

it's not pride. It's just

6:54

doing positive things

6:56

that are going to enrich your own life

6:59

to the goal that you can later

7:01

enrich other people's lives. So

7:03

there is a positive part of loving

7:05

yourself. And so I'm

7:07

glad this caller drew it to our attention

7:10

again today.

7:11

Yeah, I.

7:11

Think the place, especially in the

7:13

church, that we run away from this is

7:15

because we see evidence of people

7:18

going overboard. You know, they make everything

7:21

about themselves and make and

7:24

they have the therapeutic deism

7:26

that God is there in order to make me

7:29

feel better. And so we kind

7:31

of skirt that because it's, it's almost

7:33

we feel like it's the natural default. You

7:35

know, of course you're going to love yourself, but

7:38

a lot of people don't. A lot of people

7:40

just have such bad upbringings.

7:42

It could be something in the past that they

7:44

that they keep demeaning themselves.

7:46

They listen to the enemy rather than listening

7:49

to what God says about them. Right?

7:51

Yes.

7:51

And another thing they do, Chris, is often

7:54

because they don't love themselves and

7:56

things that have happened to them in the past, they turn

7:59

to things like drugs and alcohol,

8:01

which makes it worse.

8:04

They make choices that not are not loving

8:06

themselves. They're actually hurting themselves

8:08

and destroying themselves. So

8:11

loving yourself is a positive thing. It means

8:13

you're going to do the best to take care of yourself

8:15

physically, emotionally,

8:17

you know, as well as spiritually.

8:19

And I think the greatest thing that you

8:21

can do to love yourself

8:24

is to receive the forgiveness

8:26

and the grace and the mercy that God has given

8:28

to you through his Son. That

8:31

is the the most

8:33

loving thing that he has done for

8:35

us. And a lot of people

8:37

have a hard time with that because they want to earn God's

8:40

forgiveness. They want to do enough to get them

8:42

to like him. But he's already done that,

8:44

right?

8:45

Yeah, absolutely. Chris. So accepting

8:48

that is the greatest thing you can do for yourself,

8:50

because until you do that and we

8:52

come to accept God's love and what

8:54

he did for us in Christ, then

8:58

we want to love others, but we have

9:00

to first accept his love for us.

9:04

Our program is building relationships

9:06

with Dr. Gary Chapman. And this

9:08

is our Dear Gary broadcast for

9:10

November. If you have a relationship

9:12

question, call our number 1866424.

9:16

Gary, this is not a counseling line.

9:18

We can't call you back. But if you'll keep

9:21

your question as brief as possible, we'll

9:23

try to address the question here on the program.

9:25

Call 1866424.

9:28

Gary.

9:29

Our featured resource is the novella

9:31

a marriage Carol. It's a story designed

9:33

to rekindle love between a husband

9:36

and wife. We've heard good feedback

9:38

from readers through the years who've encountered

9:40

that story. You can find out more about it

9:42

at. Building relationships.us.

9:45

Now a mom with a question about

9:47

boundaries. Here's our next caller.

9:50

Hi, Gary. My question is

9:53

how does a parent set

9:55

distant boundaries with a

9:57

toxic adult child?

10:00

I'm having a really hard time trying

10:02

to set boundaries

10:05

that are lasting so that the behavior

10:07

will change. Our still pray for him,

10:10

but sometimes

10:12

I'm afraid. Thank you.

10:15

Well, Chris, she's she calls it

10:17

a toxic adult child.

10:19

We don't know exactly what all the problems

10:22

are or what the lifestyle is

10:24

or anything like that, but this

10:27

is a very difficult thing for parents

10:29

when they have an adult child

10:31

who has made and is making

10:34

very poor decisions that are destructive

10:36

to him, and it's sometimes

10:38

also destructive to the parents. And

10:40

she's asking, how do we set boundaries?

10:43

And sometimes it's it's physical

10:45

boundaries, you know, it's what are we

10:47

going to do if if they're coming

10:49

to our house intoxicated

10:51

or whatever? And in doing things

10:54

that are detrimental, you know, to, to us

10:56

and to the house and that sort of thing. And

10:59

then sometimes it's emotional barriers

11:01

whenever you're encounter with that adult

11:03

child is detrimental to you and

11:06

them. And it's happened time after time,

11:08

you know, do you set boundaries in

11:11

terms of even physically interfacing?

11:14

Or do you say things like, could

11:16

we agree on this, that

11:19

before you come to the house,

11:21

you will call me and let

11:23

me see if I'm feeling,

11:26

you know, if I have time and

11:28

if, if, if you are in a position that

11:30

we could argue that our encounter

11:32

could be healthy, what we want

11:34

to do desperately as parents, for

11:37

our adult children who are not

11:40

living the lifestyle we wish they would live,

11:42

we want them to be redeemed.

11:45

We want them to come to know Christ. We want

11:47

them to have the best possible life. And we

11:49

know that has to do with their spiritual relationship.

11:52

So, you know, I wrote a book several years

11:54

ago called How to Really

11:56

Love Your Adult Child, and

11:58

I wrote it with Dr. Ross Campbell, who

12:01

was a Christian psychiatrist,

12:04

and he's in heaven now. But that

12:06

book, I think, you would find helpful,

12:08

because it will give you some ideas

12:10

of how to how do we love? And

12:12

sometimes boundaries is a part of that love.

12:14

But how do we love an adult child

12:17

who is not following a path that

12:19

we wish they would be following?

12:21

And can we just say that this is probably

12:24

one of the hardest things

12:26

that to keep intention to

12:29

to live and love fully

12:31

through? Because we hear this from parents

12:34

on this program, and I hear it

12:36

and others and books that have been written for

12:39

for folks that are struggling. This is

12:41

really hard, isn't it?

12:42

Well, it is hard, Chris, because let's

12:44

face it, when we have a child,

12:47

we love that child and

12:49

we raise them through the

12:51

years when they can't do things for themselves.

12:53

We do all these things for them, and

12:56

our hope is that they're going

12:58

to grow up to be adults that will live

13:00

responsible lives, that will come

13:02

to know Christ, that will invest their life

13:04

in doing positive things for

13:06

God and for others. And

13:09

when that doesn't happen, it's a great

13:11

disappointment. You know, it's very,

13:13

very painful because you've

13:15

invested so much time and energy and

13:18

life in raising them,

13:20

and we want the best for them. So yeah,

13:23

it's a very difficult thing.

13:25

If you want to ask Dr. Chapman a question,

13:27

we can't call you back, but we can play your

13:30

question here on the program like we're doing today.

13:32

1866424 Gary

13:35

would love to hear from you. Just leave your

13:37

question. Make it as brief as possible,

13:39

and we might hear an answer down

13:41

the road. 1866424

13:44

Gary, our next call

13:46

concerns a marriage that sounds like

13:49

it is on the brink.

13:52

Hi Gary, I'm in a

13:54

marriage that I am so

13:56

unhappy with and see absolutely no

13:58

hope whatsoever. We are

14:01

so different. Fear. He

14:03

goes to church and I believe just

14:05

to pacify me, because there's no change whatsoever

14:08

in his life and he continues to use

14:10

vile, filthy language and every

14:12

little thing bothers him. So it

14:14

creates an atmosphere of continued

14:17

stress because he's always

14:19

angry about something. He's

14:22

very negative and he overrides

14:24

everything. Every suggestion.

14:27

I wanted to save money and I had a savings

14:29

before we got together, and he's

14:31

gone through everything and he makes decent

14:33

money and I don't. And we still don't have

14:35

a savings account, and he's had my banking account

14:37

down to as little as less than $5

14:40

before. I don't like anything about

14:42

the relationship. I don't like him. I don't

14:44

have a good relationship with him. I'm not in love

14:46

with him. And it's

14:48

basically that he has some good skills around

14:50

the house, and that's

14:52

pretty much all there is to it. And

14:54

I really don't know what to do. I'm tired and

14:56

I'm like a flower that's all dried

14:59

up and hasn't been watered or had any sunshine. I'm

15:01

I'm exhausted. Anyway.

15:03

I don't know what you would say about all that, but thank

15:05

you for listening. Bye bye.

15:08

Well, Chris, you know, I'm very

15:10

empathetic when I hear stories

15:12

like that because when

15:14

you've lived with pain for years

15:17

and have seen no hope and no,

15:19

no positive response, and

15:21

the other person you know puts you down

15:24

and there's nothing in

15:26

terms of love coming from them.

15:28

It is extremely, extremely difficult.

15:32

My suggestion would be for

15:34

her and anyone in her situation.

15:37

Talk with a counselor that

15:39

your spouse won't go with you. Most likely

15:41

it's okay to offer that, but likely

15:43

they won't go with you because you've already tried

15:45

that. But I would say go for counseling

15:47

yourself and let

15:50

the counselor help you work through

15:52

your pain and your hurt and all of

15:54

that, because you

15:56

don't want to simply just do something on

15:58

your own when there's no one there

16:00

to support you. So

16:03

there's a place for tough love. There's no question

16:05

about that. But you need

16:07

to have someone that's walking with you

16:09

who cares about you, who has

16:12

worked with people in these situations before

16:14

and let them walk with you.

16:16

Let them help you decide

16:19

what steps you might take, you know,

16:21

even without hope. Because sometimes

16:23

I've said to people in my office, I can understand

16:26

you have no hope, but I do

16:28

have hope for you because I've seen people

16:30

in those very difficult situations.

16:32

If they're willing to make some changes,

16:34

things can be different. But sharing

16:36

your where you are with with

16:39

a trained counselor and I would say Christian counselor,

16:41

I'd say Christian counselor and let

16:44

them walk with you and help you as you

16:46

seek to decide what

16:48

steps you can take that

16:51

might have potential for the marriage, but if not,

16:53

then what steps do you take in tough love

16:55

and how do you do that? So

16:58

I don't walk this road by yourself, I guess

17:00

is what I'm saying. Yeah.

17:02

And I'm sure that the person

17:04

who's listening, who's in her situation, or

17:06

maybe if she's listening. So how long do

17:08

we wait or how. So you're you're

17:11

you say, don't listen to somebody

17:13

on the radio till you give you permission to do

17:15

one thing or another or push you to do

17:17

something. Have that person

17:19

with skin on. Have that counselor or pastor

17:22

that you can walk through this with. But

17:24

I just want to go back to the pervasive

17:27

nature of what she's talked about, every

17:29

part of that relationship.

17:32

You know, she said it. I feel like a dried

17:34

up flower. No water, no sun.

17:36

That was just the perfect metaphor. But

17:38

it's coming out in her, in

17:40

her body. You know, she's feeling

17:42

stress about this and

17:44

that's not good for her health. She

17:47

also mentioned in the call that we

17:49

didn't air, but a part of the sexual relationship

17:52

that she's frustrated with as well

17:54

with him. So every and the

17:56

financial and you know, he doesn't

17:58

have words of affirmation if you were talking

18:01

to him, if you were talking

18:03

to the husband of this dried

18:05

up flower of a wife, what

18:07

would you say to the husband?

18:10

Well, first I would want to hear his story. Chris,

18:12

you know where what? He's where he's coming from.

18:15

And then I would want to obviously deal

18:17

with the issues that she's describing

18:19

in the relationship and

18:21

help him understand that there will

18:23

never be a good marriage

18:25

unless there's change in his behavior,

18:28

and try to help him understand

18:30

how he got to where he is

18:32

because he wasn't

18:34

born that way, you know? But

18:37

things have probably happened in his life that have

18:39

impacted him. But that's

18:41

no excuse for the kind of behavior she's

18:43

describing here. So but

18:46

many times, see, that kind of person will

18:48

not go to a counselor. They won't they won't go talk

18:50

to anybody because in their mind they don't have

18:52

a problem. You're the problem, you know. So

18:55

and that's why it's so difficult for the for

18:57

the other person.

18:58

Yeah.

18:59

Well again that's

19:01

the depth of the struggle that

19:03

you're listening to that we hear

19:05

about from different colors and different

19:08

life situations. If you want to respond

19:10

to what you've just heard or ask your question.

19:13

1866424

19:15

Gary. We love to hear from

19:17

single listeners as well. So

19:19

give us a call and here comes our next

19:21

caller.

19:23

Hi Gary.

19:24

I am an older

19:26

single person. I

19:28

really wish that on

19:30

Moody they would speak more to people.

19:32

Singles. The predicament

19:34

that we are in these days trying

19:37

to meet quality, decent, significant

19:39

others. I guess I'm just

19:42

looking for advice and tips

19:44

and maybe you could suggest, you

19:46

know, effective ways to do that. The

19:49

online dating thing is just

19:51

a waste of time. It has never

19:53

worked for me. I'd be

19:55

so grateful if you would do a segment

19:57

on that. Give us poor,

20:00

lonely, single people some advice,

20:03

maybe give us a little bit more hope.

20:05

Okay. Thank you very much.

20:07

Well, want to thank the caller for for sharing

20:10

that because I fully am

20:12

aware that there are literally thousands

20:15

of single adults who are struggling

20:17

with life and who

20:19

would long to have a positive,

20:21

loving marriage someday.

20:24

And as the years go along,

20:26

it seems to be less and less likely for

20:28

them. And so there's real struggle there.

20:31

You know, I did write the book The Five Love Languages

20:34

for singles, and I would

20:36

certainly recommend that addition of

20:38

the five Love languages, because

20:41

it will it will help you in terms

20:43

of loving yourself and also loving

20:45

people that you encounter. But it also

20:48

will help you with siblings that

20:50

you might have are

20:53

dating partners that you might have in the future

20:55

in terms of, you know, where

20:57

where does a Christian single

21:00

where are they most likely to find

21:02

another Christian with whom they can have a

21:05

dating relationship? The caller

21:07

indicated that online, the online

21:09

dating services was a waste of time.

21:11

At least it has been for her. There

21:13

are, however, singles who

21:15

have met online and

21:18

have married and had good marriages,

21:20

so I wouldn't totally rule that out.

21:22

On the other hand, I

21:25

would say two things.

21:27

Number one, obviously being

21:29

in a church that has

21:32

a large number of singles, so

21:34

it would have to be a larger church, but many

21:36

of the larger churches have single

21:39

departments. I mean, there are classes

21:41

for singles and and there they

21:43

have not only Sunday morning things, but they have

21:45

weekday things. And

21:48

in a church is a good place

21:50

to have contact

21:52

with people of the opposite sex with whom

21:55

you might, you know, be attracted to

21:57

and have a relationship. But

21:59

this caller, I'm guessing, would say, I've been in the church

22:02

for a long time, and I and

22:04

I understand that. But

22:06

the other thing I would say is this what

22:09

about volunteering

22:11

to work in some organization?

22:14

It can be some aspect of the church,

22:16

it can be something else in the community.

22:19

But volunteering to work

22:21

in a context that's

22:23

helping people, because often

22:26

it's in that kind of setting that

22:28

you would meet someone else who is a volunteer

22:31

in that group. And

22:33

people who volunteer typically

22:36

are good people because they

22:38

want to make a difference in the world. That's why

22:40

they volunteer in hospitals and,

22:42

and food pantries

22:44

and those kind of things is because

22:46

they want to help other people. And

22:48

so you meet someone else who's a volunteer

22:51

in one of those organizations. You

22:53

probably have found someone that that can

22:55

be trusted. So

22:58

those are at least a couple of ideas that come to my mind.

23:01

I think the church is a good place, but I think

23:03

volunteering in

23:05

Christian or, you know, just social

23:07

organizations where you can meet people

23:10

who are also volunteers.

23:12

Gary, what I hear in her voice

23:14

is she's she's got

23:16

this smile in her voice when she's had poor

23:18

old single people out here, you know,

23:20

help us out. I guess my question

23:22

to you is, how do I how do you deal

23:24

with that content issue? How

23:26

do you get to the place where if

23:28

you get married, great. But

23:31

I'm going to be content where I am

23:33

right now. What do you say about that?

23:35

Yeah. Well, I think, Chris, there are

23:37

there are people who have had

23:39

wonderful lives and had made tremendous

23:42

impacts for God who were single.

23:45

I mean, Jesus himself is

23:47

one, but I think there

23:49

are many, many others. And

23:51

it's not I think it's not necessarily God's

23:54

plan for everybody to get married.

23:56

And there are good examples of that

23:58

through the years. Obviously,

24:00

it is the pattern. It

24:02

is a fundamental pattern of life

24:04

that men and women meet each

24:07

other and fall in love and get married. And

24:09

and God's plan is that they encourage

24:11

each other, help each other to become the person

24:13

God wants them to be, and together

24:16

they accomplish, you know God's purpose in marriage

24:18

a deep, intimate, supportive, caring relationship.

24:21

But. That's not the lifestyle. I think for everybody.

24:24

I'm not saying give up. You know, if you're

24:26

50 and see I'm still not married,

24:28

I wouldn't say, well, just write

24:30

it off. Who knows what's

24:32

going to happen as you get involved

24:35

with interfacing with

24:37

people. But there has to be some place

24:39

where you interface. And my

24:41

observation is that the bar is not the best

24:43

place to do that.

24:45

If you enjoy building relationships with

24:47

Dr. Gary Chapman, visit our website

24:49

Building Relationships Us

24:51

there. You'll find out more about Dr. Chapman,

24:54

his New York Times bestseller, The Five

24:56

Love Languages, and upcoming seminar

24:58

locations, and you can also

25:00

hear a podcast of the program at Building

25:03

relationships.us.

25:05

Our resource for today is the book by Dr.

25:07

Chapman and yours truly. It's titled A marriage.

25:09

Carol. You may have heard the audio drum

25:11

of that in years past.

25:14

Go to Building Relationships us.

25:16

You can find out more about it right there.

25:18

Building relationships.us

25:21

now a wife, a husband,

25:23

and a spiritual disappointment.

25:26

Hi Gary, I am generally

25:30

politically conservative. My wife

25:32

is very liberal. Don't

25:35

ask me how that works or how we got as far

25:37

as marriage. But recently, after

25:39

four years of living together, we

25:41

walk down the aisle. We are

25:43

currently going through your book. Neither

25:46

of us are Christians per se,

25:49

but I definitely have

25:51

had Christian school

25:53

Christian upbringing. My family is Amish and

25:55

Bentonite, and I have a strong

25:58

Christian moral structure and

26:00

background. So I

26:02

know there's a verse in Scripture that talks about being

26:04

unequally yoked, but we

26:06

do share things in common. We do love

26:08

each other. It's just if

26:10

she listens to Piers Morgan, I listen to Jordan

26:13

Peterson. That's I

26:15

don't know what your what

26:17

your leanings are, but everything

26:21

about me and her is it's

26:23

just night day oil

26:25

and water, black and white. We

26:27

are different as the day

26:30

is from the night time. So if

26:32

you have some advice, thank you so much for your

26:34

time.

26:35

By well, you have

26:37

to be empathetic with that concept

26:39

because through the years

26:41

I've had many, many people like this in my office,

26:44

you know, who are very, very different

26:46

when it comes to political issues

26:49

and, and a whole lot of other issues

26:51

in life. Can

26:53

they have a healthy marriage? Yes,

26:56

I think that's possible. It does

26:58

mean you have to accept

27:00

each other as

27:02

they are, rather than spending

27:04

time trying to convince the other person

27:07

that they're wrong on a particular issue.

27:10

Every couple has differences,

27:12

to be sure, but when it comes

27:14

to strong political things

27:16

in our culture today, as everybody

27:18

knows, we're in a battle.

27:21

I mean, we're fighting each other, you know, shooting

27:23

each other, trying to demean each other.

27:25

Well, there's no place for that kind of thing in a healthy

27:28

marriage. No. So

27:30

we have to accept the reality that we have

27:32

different perspectives, but

27:34

also work on the positive

27:36

things that you can do together. You

27:39

know, what are the kind of things that we enjoy

27:41

doing together? There has to be some commonality

27:44

or you wouldn't have gotten married, I would think.

27:46

So. What are some of those things

27:48

that we appreciate about each other? And let's

27:50

build on those things in terms

27:52

of the spiritual, obviously,

27:55

it would be a tremendous asset to

27:57

a marriage if both of you

27:59

had a personal relationship with

28:01

God, but you

28:03

can't make somebody else do that.

28:06

You can do it for yourself. Now, obviously,

28:08

the caller has a Christian background

28:10

and has a Christian worldview, as it were,

28:13

but he seems to be saying that

28:15

he's not necessarily walking in a close relationship

28:18

with God. But

28:20

I think obviously our relationship with God

28:22

impacts everything else. I remember

28:25

God loved us. The Bible says, when

28:27

we were sinners and

28:29

sent Christ to die for us. So

28:31

if one person in a marriage is a

28:33

solid Christian walking with God,

28:36

they can say to God, Lord,

28:39

I know you love my spouse because

28:41

God loves everybody. He wants everybody to

28:43

come to know him. And so,

28:45

you know, I don't have any positive feelings anymore.

28:47

Or maybe you do have positive feeling. It sounds like

28:49

maybe the caller does have positive feelings,

28:52

but I'm asking you to pour

28:54

your love into my heart and

28:56

let me be an agent for loving my spouse.

28:59

Even though we disagree on

29:01

a whole lot of things. And the scriptures

29:03

say the love of God is poured out in our hearts

29:05

by the Holy Spirit, so the

29:07

spiritual dimension of life does have

29:10

a positive impact on

29:12

how we relate together, even

29:14

with huge differences in

29:16

areas like the caller mentioned.

29:19

Okay, what do you say to the

29:21

person? Who's listening? Who says, we're

29:23

both Christians, we're

29:25

strong, we go the same church and

29:28

we sing the same songs. But

29:30

he's voting for that, that party

29:32

and I'm voting, you know, what do you

29:34

do with the division that's in

29:36

a believing marriage?

29:39

I think, again, Chris, we have to accept

29:41

differences. Otherwise

29:43

we're going to be fighting ourselves with each

29:45

other, just like the whole culture is fighting

29:48

with, with those that oppose them.

29:50

So we have to recognize that

29:52

Christians can have different perspectives on many

29:54

things. And so this

29:56

is an area where there's a strong difference

29:58

in the two of you. You have to come to accept

30:01

that, you know, okay. So just be

30:03

sure you vote because you'll cancel out

30:05

their vote, okay? Don't

30:07

let them vote by themselves.

30:10

For 15 years we've been canceling

30:12

out each other's vote. Yeah that's

30:14

great.

30:15

And that, you know, it just it strikes

30:18

me that there was there's a lot of division

30:20

in the early church too. And some of

30:22

the letters, maybe most of them,

30:24

especially from Paul. Most of the

30:26

letters were written about the

30:28

the conflict that there was. So conflict

30:31

can can bring about

30:34

something good and understanding. And maybe

30:36

that person who's listening today

30:38

could hear you talking about this, and

30:40

they have a disagreement with their spouse over something

30:42

in politics or the culture, and

30:45

they could use this as an opportunity to go

30:47

and say, tell me more about what

30:49

you thought. Why do you vote this way? Or why you think

30:51

this way about this? Can you tell me more about that?

30:53

And it could open lines of communication

30:56

in the marriage.

30:57

I think that's true, Chris. As long as you're not arguing

31:00

in trying to convince the other person, you're

31:02

wrong. Da da da da da da da da da da da. But

31:05

to understand, you know, how did

31:07

you come to that perspective? What what in your

31:09

past influenced you to to see that perspective

31:12

and then also even to

31:14

expose yourself to books

31:17

or articles or that sort of thing on

31:19

the other side so that you both are getting a

31:21

perspective of, you know, of the other

31:23

person's perspective and not just simply,

31:26

you know, looking at your perspective.

31:28

Yes.

31:29

But communication is essential

31:31

to having a healthy marriage, whether it's

31:33

this or other disagreements,

31:35

talking about sharing, trying

31:37

to understand the other person's perspective

31:39

and where they are and not fighting

31:42

each other. If we follow fighting to

31:44

the end, somebody is going to win the war and somebody's going to lose

31:46

the war, right? And it's no fun to live

31:48

with a loser in the marriage. So why create

31:50

a loser?

31:52

Well, here's another idea for the

31:55

for the caller. You mentioned Piers Morgan

31:57

and Jordan Peterson. I think I've seen

32:00

interviews that Pierce has done with Jordan.

32:02

So both of you watch that and

32:04

see what happens as you talk about it afterwards.

32:07

I really I love the question. Thank you for

32:09

listening. Thank you for trusting us

32:11

with your questions. And here's

32:13

another person who has done that. I'm really

32:15

looking forward to hearing Dr. Chapman's response

32:18

to this next caller. She has an opinion

32:20

about the calls she hears on

32:22

this program. Here we go.

32:25

Hi Dr. Kerry, I love your program.

32:28

I have been married twice. I'm 70

32:30

years old. Both husbands

32:33

immature and

32:35

took off and the divorces.

32:37

Many of your calls

32:40

are about selfish

32:43

and immature men. Quite

32:46

a few different topics and

32:48

statistics show that

32:51

once women have been

32:53

married once or twice, many

32:55

times the second or third marriage is

32:58

that a marriage, second or third relationship

33:00

is with another female, whether

33:02

they're roommates or housemates,

33:04

or buy a home together. There

33:06

is a reason for that. All those

33:09

immature men out there that have

33:11

gone their selfish ways and

33:14

end up alone. It's

33:17

it's too bad. Maybe you can write a book about

33:19

it. Thank you. Bye bye.

33:22

Well, Chris, that's an interesting call. I

33:25

don't know that I would want to agree

33:27

that the biggest problem in marriages

33:29

is selfish men. I

33:31

think it's selfish men and selfish women.

33:34

We are all human, and by

33:36

nature we are selfish.

33:39

You know, it's only as God

33:41

touches our heart that we're changed

33:44

and we have began to develop the attitude

33:46

of Christ that I'm in this relationship

33:48

to help you. I'm in here to do everything

33:51

I can to enrich your life, because

33:53

it takes two unselfish people

33:55

to have a really healthy marriage. And

33:58

that's why I think Christians

34:00

who are really walking with God have an advantage

34:04

on people who do not have a relationship

34:06

with God, because God is convicting

34:08

us when we do wrong and put

34:10

each other down and that sort of thing. And

34:13

the non-Christian only has his or her conscience,

34:15

and the conscience can be seared with a hot

34:17

iron. So. But

34:19

I understand if you've gone through that and

34:21

you've had two marriages and two divorces

34:24

with someone with a man

34:26

who very, very selfish, where

34:28

you can sense that that's the biggest problem

34:30

is just selfish men. But I think

34:32

it's it's our sinful nature

34:34

that is the biggest problem there. Interesting

34:37

that she said that in the latter part of

34:39

having gone through a couple of failed marriages,

34:41

that a lot of women end up just

34:44

having a good friend relationship with

34:46

a female. And it has

34:48

nothing to do with sexuality. It has to do with

34:50

simply someone that I can share life with.

34:52

And I think anyone that's single

34:55

needs to have a good friend, and

34:57

sometimes the friends might choose to room

34:59

together that sort of thing, but no

35:01

sexual aspect intended. So

35:04

I think all of us need

35:07

close relationships with people.

35:09

If we failed at marriage, for whatever reason,

35:12

we may just decide not to marry

35:14

a third time or a fourth time,

35:16

but to just have a

35:18

really good Christian friend of the same

35:20

sex that I can relate to in

35:22

a positive way.

35:24

You're listening to Building Relationships

35:26

with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the

35:28

New York Times bestseller The Five

35:30

Love Languages. You can find out

35:33

more about the Love Languages concept.

35:35

Take a quiz to find out your love language.

35:37

Absolutely free. Plus,

35:39

see the novella Gary and Chris wrote together

35:42

titled a marriage Carol. No

35:44

ghosts of Christmas Past were harmed in the writing.

35:47

Just go to building relationships. Dot

35:49

us.

35:50

Gary, our next caller, is looking for

35:52

help in the life situation that

35:54

he is now in the middle

35:56

of.

35:57

Hi Gary, what

36:00

resources do you have that

36:02

I would be able to offer a spouse

36:05

where the marriage has been

36:07

dissolved, resulting in divorce,

36:09

and where one spouse

36:11

is still looking

36:14

at things in a spiritual way that hoping

36:17

that maybe somewhere down the road there could be reconciliation

36:20

where there's daughters involved, that now

36:23

no longer speak to me. Is

36:26

there any material that can

36:28

be given for somebody to

36:30

read and to consider,

36:33

especially where there's no communication whatsoever between

36:35

me, my daughters and former

36:37

spouse? If there's anything

36:40

that you can provide any insight that would greatly

36:42

appreciate if you can get back to me. Thank you so

36:44

much. God bless.

36:46

Well, Chris, this color represents

36:48

a very common phenomena in our culture,

36:51

and that is where parents

36:54

and their adult children have a

36:57

fractured relationship. There

36:59

are many things that lead to that. And

37:01

in this case, apparently there's

37:04

something about his divorcing or

37:06

his divorce that has led them to this.

37:08

I don't know if they had

37:10

a relationship with him before the divorce

37:13

or whether they didn't, and

37:15

whether that's a part of it, or he did something

37:17

in the midst of all that that made them, you know,

37:19

just withdraw from him. It's

37:21

tragic, really, because

37:24

we need each other. Adult

37:26

children need to have a relationship

37:28

with their parents, and parents need to have

37:31

a relationship with their adult children. Even

37:33

if there's been failures on both sides.

37:35

And often there is failures on both sides.

37:39

But if we're going to walk away

37:41

from each other, you know, because

37:43

something happened that we disagree with

37:45

or that hurt us deeply and

37:48

we're going to stay separated, I can understand

37:50

why you tend to withdraw when

37:52

you've been hurt deeply. And apparently his

37:54

children and his daughters have been hurt deeply

37:57

over something, some aspect of this.

37:59

But to stay separated,

38:01

to stay, you know, in

38:04

a broken relationship or a fractured relationship.

38:08

But, you know, the prodigal son's father

38:11

did not go out seeking them

38:13

or him trying to bring him back.

38:15

He he just kept the farm going.

38:18

So there was a place to come back to.

38:20

So I would say in terms of his relationship

38:23

with his daughters, keep

38:25

an open door. You

38:27

can't make them want to

38:29

reconcile with you, but

38:31

in whatever way you can, if you have any contact

38:34

at all, make it kind. Don't

38:36

don't be condemning of them. Express

38:39

a you know, I can understand

38:42

how you would feel hurt by all of

38:44

this and it and

38:46

I'm hurting too, but accepting

38:49

where they are and not condemning them for

38:51

where they are, letting them know that

38:53

you love them. You would love

38:55

to have a relationship, if any, if

38:57

any. What can be done about it?

38:59

If there are things that they're holding against

39:01

you that were wrong, then apologize

39:04

for it for sure you know, apologize

39:06

for it. And the book, the

39:08

five apology languages would be very, very

39:10

helpful to you at that point. And most

39:12

of the time, we all have something that we

39:14

need to we need to deal with in terms

39:16

of apology. But that book also

39:19

deals with forgiveness, which is

39:21

the godly response to an apology

39:23

in terms of your marriage, you know

39:25

you've already gone through divorce. If

39:27

the other person is rigid and

39:30

says there's no hope and I'll never, ever

39:32

come back, there's a there's a juncture

39:34

at which you have to accept that. I

39:37

think it's positive that you want to have

39:39

reconciliation. I think as a Christian,

39:41

we certainly should also seek reconciliation.

39:44

But one person alone

39:46

cannot restore marriage. There

39:49

has to be a response on the part of the other person.

39:51

So I don't, you know, not knowing the situation.

39:53

I can't give you specific things that you could

39:56

do that might turn

39:58

the person back in your direction. But

40:01

I do think the book One More Try

40:03

What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart

40:06

could be helpful to you as

40:09

well as another book I

40:11

wrote called Loving Your Spouse.

40:13

When You Feel Like Walking Away,

40:16

both of those books will help you

40:19

perhaps find some things

40:21

you can do that might

40:24

open a door with your ex-wife.

40:26

And if you go to building relationships.us.

40:29

You'll see on the website resources

40:31

there that where you can find those books

40:34

that Gary just mentioned go to

40:36

building relationships us.

40:38

You know, I.

40:38

Just have.

40:39

To say, Gary.

40:40

For.

40:41

The listeners who call in, who trust us

40:43

with these deep hurts

40:45

and struggles, thank

40:47

you for being honest. Thank you for being vulnerable.

40:50

Your call is helping other people

40:52

who have the same kind of question, but

40:54

there are times when people will call who

40:56

are responding to something that

40:59

you've said, or another

41:01

caller is asked on the program.

41:03

And recently someone

41:05

called and asked if you needed to feel

41:07

the tingles before marriage

41:09

in order for it to last.

41:12

And you said, basically, no, the tingles

41:14

are not required. Here's a response

41:17

to that answer.

41:18

Hi Gary, I just wanted to call

41:21

and chime in with your

41:23

your proposition that the tingles,

41:25

not the essential peace. I've been

41:28

married over 40 years and been

41:31

doing couples coaching that whole time as well,

41:33

and it's good to hear someone

41:36

else out there telling

41:38

the truth about what really

41:40

matters in long term marriage relationships.

41:42

So thank you and keep up the

41:44

good work.

41:46

Yeah, I think, Chris, you know,

41:48

the common understanding in our culture

41:51

is that if you're really in

41:53

love, I'm calling it the tingles. But

41:55

if you're really in love, that those

41:57

feelings, those euphoric feelings were going to

41:59

last forever. And I was

42:01

told that, you know, when I was growing up, if

42:03

you got the real thing, it's going to last forever.

42:06

And the reality is, that's just not

42:08

true. That

42:10

high emotional thing that we call falling

42:13

in love or being in love

42:15

has about a two year lifespan. We

42:18

come down off that high. And that's why

42:20

the love language is, I think, has been one reason

42:22

why it's been so popular, is it helps

42:24

couples learn how to meet the

42:26

emotional need for love after

42:29

you come down off the high. And

42:32

so it's not it's not that

42:34

that euphoric experience

42:36

that we call falling in love that's going to carry

42:38

us through long term. It brings

42:40

us together. But it

42:42

is very obsessive and we have

42:45

ideas that that are really

42:47

flawed and that is that the

42:49

other person is perfect. This the perfect

42:51

person for me. None

42:54

of us are perfect. So

42:56

yeah, I appreciate the call and

42:59

the affirmation on the reality that

43:01

the tangles are not what creates long

43:03

term relationships.

43:05

So are you.

43:07

One more question before we end here. Are you

43:09

into the whole I'm looking

43:11

for my soulmate. I've got to find my

43:13

soulmate in order for me

43:15

to have a long term marriage.

43:18

You know, Chris, that's a wonderful

43:20

idea, you know? But

43:23

listen, there are cultures where

43:25

Mom and dad pick out the person you're going to marry

43:28

and you hardly know them before you get married.

43:30

And they have many of them have stable marriages

43:32

and healthy marriages. So it's

43:35

not it's not that emotional high

43:37

that's going to keep you together forever,

43:40

whether you call it soulmate or whatever. I

43:42

think we become soulmates. If

43:44

we if in marriage, we learn

43:47

each other's love language, we speak each other's

43:49

love language. We're there for each other. We process

43:51

our differences in a positive way, and

43:54

we apologize to each other when we do

43:56

wrong. I mean, these are the things that

43:58

lead us to that deep sense that we're

44:01

there for each other. You know, when you

44:03

can call that a soul? We become soul

44:05

mates, as it were, as we process

44:07

life together.

44:08

But that takes some work, you know, it's

44:10

like I want her to be my soulmate

44:12

and, you know, make sure you you

44:15

make me feel better about. No,

44:17

I got to do the work of my

44:20

relationship with me and with God

44:22

and the forgiveness and

44:25

and going deeper into, into,

44:27

you know, who I really am and some

44:29

of the deficiencies and the sin in me

44:32

in order to be able to move

44:34

toward my wife. Right?

44:36

Yeah, I think so, Chris. And that's

44:38

why I think, as I said earlier, Christians

44:40

have it on non-Christians because

44:42

we have outside help. If

44:44

we're really walking with God and we're

44:46

doing things in our marriage relationship that

44:49

are detrimental, God brings those

44:51

to our mind. He convicts us of them so

44:53

we can confess and apologize and

44:56

move on down the road. So

44:58

yeah, it is work, but it's cooperating

45:00

with God and he gives

45:03

us the power to make changes,

45:05

you know, so that we can have a loving, supportive,

45:07

caring relationship.

45:10

We would love to hear your question for Dr.

45:12

Gary Chapman. Call 866424

45:14

Gary, and you might hear an

45:17

answer on the future program. And don't forget

45:19

to check out our featured resource, a marriage

45:21

Carol Charles Dickens Meets

45:23

the Love Languages. We have a link at

45:25

Building relationships us.

45:28

And coming up next week. How do

45:30

you handle the big and the small losses

45:33

in your life?

45:34

If you're struggling with the way things used

45:36

to be, don't miss the conversation.

45:38

A big thank you to our production team,

45:41

Steve Wick and Janice. Backing

45:43

building relationships with Dr. Gary

45:45

Chapman is a production of Moody Radio

45:47

in association with Moody Publishers,

45:50

a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.

45:52

Thanks for listening.