0:01

Women tend to give so many

0:03

hints.

0:04

We did not enter the euphoric

0:06

stage. We just dove

0:08

into the choosing to love each other.

0:10

If I find a young lady, nobody's respond

0:12

to me.

0:13

Should I look for another wife? What do

0:15

I do?

0:19

Welcome to Building relationships

0:21

with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the

0:23

New York Times bestseller The Five Love

0:25

Languages. Today, it's our Dear

0:27

Gary, broadcast for October. Time

0:30

to open the phone lines and hear your questions

0:32

about the love languages, your marriage, singles,

0:34

issues and more.

0:36

I am so excited to hear you present

0:38

your questions to Dr. Chapman today. And

0:40

if you want to be on a future broadcast, call

0:42

us 1866424.

0:45

Gary. Each week we

0:47

have a featured resource on the program

0:49

that today it is a

0:51

teens guide to the five Love languages.

0:53

How to understand yourself and improve all

0:56

your relationships. Find out more

0:58

at building relationships.us.

1:00

Gary. There's a new generation coming up

1:02

who want to do that. Improve their relationships

1:05

and you're part of that process. Isn't that

1:07

invigorating to know?

1:09

You know, Chris, I'm very excited about

1:11

this book because it's written directly to

1:13

teenagers. You know, earlier

1:16

I wrote a book for parents of teenagers

1:18

on the five Love languages. But I

1:20

thought, you know, I need to communicate

1:22

to the teenagers themselves if they could

1:24

get this concept down during

1:26

the teenage years. Imagine how that's

1:28

going to influence the rest of their life and

1:30

all of their relationships. So I'm very excited

1:33

about this book, A Teens Guide to the Five

1:35

Love Languages. I thought I say to parents,

1:37

you know, if you're reading the the other book,

1:39

you know, the original book for parents of teenagers

1:42

and your teenagers reading this book, you

1:44

will have some good discussions. So

1:48

yeah, I'm excited about about this book.

1:51

You can find out more about it at the website.

1:53

Building Relationships Us again.

1:55

It's a teens guide to the five love

1:57

languages. Again go to building relationships.us.

2:01

Well, let's begin our conversation

2:04

today with a caller who has a specific

2:06

love language question.

2:10

Hey, Gary. So I was just thinking

2:12

about, um, specifically

2:15

the gifts language.

2:17

So this is kind of my question. Can

2:19

someone who has gifts as their

2:21

primary love language be compatible

2:23

with a partner who is not economically

2:25

able to provide gifts? You

2:28

discuss that gifts don't have to

2:30

be of monetary value. And,

2:32

you know, picking flowers is is a perfect

2:35

example. But the reality is we live in

2:37

a consumer society where everything costs.

2:39

Even if you want to get granular

2:42

the gas to go pick up the flowers in

2:44

your car. Also, the

2:46

flowers example being free

2:48

would naturally and understandably

2:50

get old as the gift

2:52

experience is diminishing marginal returns.

2:55

I'm extremely curious what your response will be.

2:57

Thanks.

2:58

Well, first of all, Chris, I want to say that's an excellent

3:00

question. I really like. I

3:03

really like that question. Yeah. You

3:05

know, and listen, all of us are limited in some

3:07

way financially. Maybe

3:10

I shouldn't say all of us because they're super, super

3:12

millionaires that can just buy whatever they want to

3:14

buy, you know? But the average person

3:16

is on some kind of limited

3:18

income. And we have to decide,

3:21

you know, how to feed the children and the family and

3:23

all of that. And so this can be a

3:25

challenge. But I do want

3:27

to emphasize the fact, and we've

3:29

said this before, it's the thought

3:31

that counts. And I've

3:33

sometimes told this account, I don't know if I've

3:35

told it on the air or not, but a guy who

3:38

told me just the other day, he said, Duck Chapman, I was taking

3:40

a walk. He said my wife's languages were his gifts,

3:42

and I was taking a walk. And I

3:44

saw a bird feather and I picked

3:46

it up and brushed it off. I took it

3:48

home. I said, honey, when I

3:50

was walking today, I found this bird feather

3:53

and I want to give it to you because it reminded

3:55

me that you are the wind

3:58

beneath my wings. And

4:00

she said.

4:00

Oh, that is so sweet.

4:03

I didn't cost him a penny. Now I know you can't

4:05

get bird feathers every week. Okay, I get

4:08

that. Just like you can't give flowers every week.

4:10

But if you are thinking in terms

4:12

of your spouse's love language and it

4:14

happens to be gifts you, you

4:17

will come up with some ideas that you never

4:19

thought of before. And I just say, Ask God.

4:21

You know, if you don't have money to buy something,

4:24

ask God, you know, lead me

4:26

to something. Bring to my mind an idea

4:28

of something that my spouse would really like.

4:30

And the other thing is, Chris, you can also look

4:32

for thrift stores because

4:35

those kind of stores have things much, much cheaper.

4:38

You know, there's some of them used

4:40

to be a dollar store. Now it's a dollar and a quarter.

4:42

But. So

4:45

and you can often find some really, you know, really

4:47

gifts that will speak to the other person. So

4:50

yeah, I just think we have to use our

4:52

creativity if we're limited

4:54

in funds to look for

4:56

things that we think our spouse would appreciate,

4:58

but don't involve a whole lot of money,

5:01

and I think your spouse knows

5:03

your financial situation, at least they

5:05

should. I hope they do. And

5:08

they know you can't go out and buy expensive gifts

5:10

if that's the case. So they're

5:12

not expecting you to do that. In fact, if you went

5:14

out and bought huge gifts on a credit

5:17

card, you'd probably upset them

5:19

because they don't want to go in debt, you know?

5:21

So yeah, I just think we have to seek to be

5:23

creative in terms

5:25

of looking for things that are free, but also looking

5:28

for things that are inexpensive.

5:29

So the answer to the question is, yes,

5:31

you can be compatible with somebody.

5:34

So thank you for that question. And the

5:36

other thing, it seems to me that all of

5:38

the the languages are

5:40

commensurate with your heart

5:43

being turned toward that other person.

5:45

For example, words you

5:47

are thinking about that other person and

5:49

thinking what is going to encourage them today?

5:51

What is the thing that I can say that's

5:53

coming genuinely from your heart? So

5:56

all of that with gifts or with

5:58

words, you're thinking about that other person,

6:00

right?

6:01

Yeah, absolutely, Chris. And,

6:03

you know, there are people that words are hard

6:05

for them and that words are inexpensive,

6:08

of course, but they didn't receive words

6:10

growing up, and it's hard for them to even

6:12

come up with words to say to the other person.

6:14

So yeah, any of these

6:17

can be challenging if you did

6:19

not receive them, you know, growing up, they're

6:21

not natural for you. So it's something

6:23

that has to be learned.

6:24

Yeah. All right. Our next

6:26

question comes as a response to

6:28

a past program. I think it fits right

6:30

in here. It's about the difference between

6:33

men and women.

6:35

Hi, Gary. I was just listening to

6:37

your current program, and

6:39

you were talking about not being able

6:41

to read minds, and I

6:43

wanted to add something to that

6:45

that you could expound on. And that

6:47

is, I think

6:49

women in particular

6:52

tend to give so many hints

6:54

that they think they have told

6:56

their husband. I have.

6:59

I have observed this over.

7:01

And over and over in relationships

7:03

within my family, where

7:06

all of a sudden you find out

7:08

about some terrible problem or even

7:10

a divorce, and you try to talk to them.

7:13

And the person instigating

7:16

the divorce says, I've

7:18

told them. I've told them over and

7:20

over, and maybe they have.

7:22

But then you, you hear more

7:24

and you get the idea that

7:27

the offending spouse or

7:29

the one not getting the hints.

7:32

Maybe they knew that there were some complaints

7:34

in the marriage, but they didn't understand

7:37

they were at Defcon one.

7:39

They didn't understand that.

7:42

All of these little hints that were

7:44

dropped were

7:46

getting them further and further

7:49

toward a divorce

7:51

court. So I just

7:53

wanted to say that I

7:55

agree with your suggestion

7:57

of writing things down for each other,

8:00

because I think

8:02

that's just too often the case. People.

8:05

People give hints, they drop hints,

8:07

they drop comments, and they think

8:09

they've been clear. They think

8:12

that it's, you know, their

8:14

spouse has been given many chances

8:16

and their spouse who either didn't

8:18

catch the hints or didn't

8:20

realize how serious the hints were,

8:23

they feel blindsided. So

8:26

that was long winded, but I

8:28

would love for you guys to talk about that. Thank

8:30

you very much. Bye bye.

8:33

Well, I think this caller makes a good point.

8:35

And that is if you're going to share

8:38

with the other person what makes you feel

8:40

loved, you have to be

8:42

clear and

8:44

make sure they understand it. Because you're

8:46

right. We don't always pick

8:48

up on hints. And you may

8:51

think you're communicating clearly, but

8:53

they may not get it. You know, now

8:55

there's another factor here. And that

8:57

is maybe the other

8:59

person doesn't realize how

9:01

important it is to speak

9:04

the other person's language, even if

9:06

they know what it is, you know,

9:08

they kind of minimize it. Well, you know, I

9:10

just don't think you have to be thinking

9:12

all the time about, you know, what I can do or

9:14

say to communicate love. I mean,

9:16

don't they know that I love them? I mean, I'm

9:18

working and I'm doing, you know, so

9:22

we can have an attitude that diminishes

9:25

the emotional need for love. And

9:27

I think that often happens in a relationship

9:29

as well. They know

9:31

the concept generally, and

9:34

they know that this is their spouses language,

9:36

but in their mind it's not that big a

9:38

deal. And so if you're

9:40

you keep telling me you know

9:42

what your love language is, they might

9:45

get irritated with it. So that's another factor

9:47

in this. But I do think the communication

9:49

factor, which the caller is really focusing

9:52

in on is certainly a factor.

9:55

And that's why, you know, I suggest, for example,

9:57

this little game that's a word game

9:59

in which you say to your spouse, on

10:01

a scale of 0 to 10,

10:04

how full is your love tank? That's

10:07

assuming they're aware of the love tank,

10:09

you know, metaphor. Or you could just say,

10:11

on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love

10:13

do you feel coming from me? And

10:15

if they say anything less than ten, you

10:18

say, well, what could I do to bring it up?

10:21

Or what could I do to help fill the tank?

10:24

And then that particular day, they

10:26

give you something specifically that you could

10:28

do that, that would communicate

10:31

love to them. And if you do that back

10:33

and forth, each of you, you know, every couple

10:35

of weeks, chances are you're

10:37

going to communicate clearly because they're

10:39

asking you on this particular

10:41

day or this particular week, what

10:43

could I do or say that would make you

10:46

feel more loved and not always well,

10:48

not always be their primary love language.

10:51

Because let's face it, it's

10:53

not just our primary love language.

10:56

We're open to hear other languages

10:58

spoken. It says that we have to

11:00

have a significant amount of

11:02

our primary love language. Are these

11:04

others will not mean as much, but when

11:06

we're speaking the primary on a regular basis,

11:09

these others will be meaningful

11:11

as well. So yeah, I

11:13

think just kind of keeps it on the front burner

11:15

to bring this subject up in

11:17

an informal way ever.

11:20

Every couple of weeks.

11:22

Our program is building relationships

11:24

with Dr. Gary Chapman. And this is

11:26

our Dear Gary broadcast for October.

11:29

If you have a question, call our listener

11:31

line at 1866424.

11:33

Gary. Keep your question as brief

11:36

as possible, and we'll try to address it

11:38

here on the program. That's 1-866-424-4279.

11:43

Our featured resource today is Gary's book,

11:46

A Teens Guide to the Five Love Languages

11:48

how to understand Yourself and Improve

11:50

All Your Relationships. You

11:52

can find out more at building relationships.us.

11:56

So our next caller needs

11:59

some clarification or maybe a little bit

12:01

of advice about her dating relationship.

12:03

That sounds like it's getting pretty serious.

12:07

Hi, Gary, I have a question.

12:09

My boyfriend and I are planning to get married.

12:11

We're not engaged yet, but we're dating

12:14

pretty deeply and we

12:16

have done the five languages. We've

12:18

got the roadmap to success

12:20

that we're currently in. We've

12:23

read the five Love Languages book

12:25

we're currently reading, which things

12:27

I wish I knew before we got married. And

12:29

euphoric stage keeps getting

12:32

brought up repetitively, and

12:34

I feel extremely strong that

12:36

we did not enter the euphoric

12:38

stage, that we just dove

12:41

into the choosing to love each other.

12:43

And I just want to make sure

12:45

that that something

12:47

that others have done as well. I

12:50

know many have done the euphoric stage

12:52

and then dove into the twos

12:54

to love one another, but we're doing it in

12:57

reverse. And so I just want to make

12:59

sure that that's a successful outcome.

13:01

If you could clarify or give me insight on

13:04

this, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

13:06

Well, that's an interesting question. And

13:09

I don't know that we've had that question before, Chris,

13:11

but what she's saying is true.

13:14

There are couples

13:17

are individuals who

13:19

do not have what we typically call

13:22

this in love experience this

13:24

super, super emotional high where

13:27

they just feel like this is the most wonderful person

13:29

in the world, and I just want to be with them the

13:31

rest of my life. Most people do

13:33

have that, but there are people who do

13:35

not. They start dating.

13:37

They they like each other. They have

13:40

a lot of things in common. They

13:42

begin to share life. And in this

13:44

case, read the five love languages,

13:46

which everyone should read wherever you are

13:48

in the journey. And and

13:50

so they are meeting each other's

13:52

need for love because they're speaking each other's

13:55

love language. And now they're reading

13:57

the book on things I wish I'd known

13:59

before we got married, which is

14:01

really good because it deals not only

14:03

with love language, but a lot of other things.

14:06

And so, you

14:08

know, I think that this caller is they're moving

14:10

in the right direction, in a positive direction.

14:12

And I don't think they should be overly concerned

14:15

that they did not go through that euphoric

14:18

stage. It'd be interesting to know

14:20

whether he or

14:23

she did have

14:25

a sense of that in Love's thing.

14:27

Sometimes one person does and the other

14:29

person doesn't, you know. But

14:32

if indeed you you

14:34

have, you work through those other issues

14:38

in preparation for marriage, and

14:40

you work through whatever needs to be worked through.

14:42

And you and you are speaking each other's

14:44

love language, you can have a

14:47

wonderful marriage in a lifelong,

14:49

healthy marriage, even if you did

14:51

not experience what we typically

14:53

call falling in love. And

14:55

the reason I say that is because, as you know,

14:57

that experience is temporary. The

15:01

average lifespan is two years, and

15:03

most people begin to come down pretty

15:05

soon after they get married. And it can

15:07

be very frightening if you're not aware of that.

15:09

So I think the fact that you are aware

15:12

of the reality that most people

15:14

do experience that and you did

15:16

not, and you're you want to make

15:18

sure you know that that's not going to be a

15:20

real detriment in the future.

15:23

I think I think you're on the right track.

15:25

So I wouldn't I wouldn't say,

15:28

well, because you didn't have that you shouldn't get married

15:30

because that kind of love is not

15:32

the kind of love that's going to carry you for the long haul.

15:34

So are you saying you don't have to have the

15:36

tingles in order to get married to

15:39

somebody? If you've never had the tingles for another

15:41

person, that's okay.

15:43

Absolutely. And, Chris, let's face it,

15:45

there are cultures where there

15:47

are arranged marriages, right? The

15:50

parents pick out your spouse and

15:52

you don't even know them. But

15:55

the parents know the issues

15:57

that make for a good marriage.

15:59

And so they're picking out somebody

16:02

that they think is going to be compatible with you.

16:04

And those people go on to have good

16:06

marriages. And in many places,

16:09

you know, as you know, the five

16:11

love languages has been translated in over 50

16:13

languages. So I think 69 languages

16:15

around the world. And so they

16:18

they learn that the concept and they

16:20

are speaking each other's language, even though they

16:22

didn't go through that euphoric stage, they didn't

16:24

even have a chance to do that. So

16:26

yeah, I think you can have a good marriage

16:28

without that.

16:29

The struggle is in this culture, it's all about

16:32

the tingles. It's all about the feeling. It's all

16:34

about love is this. And if I don't feel

16:36

this, then I move on. And that's the.

16:38

And I don't disagree with anything you've just said.

16:40

And I love what the caller has said. What

16:42

I see often happening though, is

16:45

5 to 7 years into a marriage,

16:47

eight however long it takes, sometimes

16:49

it's shorter than that. A person,

16:51

male or female or both,

16:53

come into contact with somebody else and they

16:55

get this euphoric feeling. I get the tingles and

16:58

they think I married the wrong person. I'm going to, you know, this

17:00

is the person that's going to make me happy. So that's

17:02

the struggle. You have to if you're going to commit,

17:04

you need to commit tingles or not, right?

17:07

Yeah, absolutely. We need to see

17:09

marriage as a covenant, a

17:11

covenant with each other, but also

17:13

with God. They were committing

17:16

ourselves in the presence of God

17:18

to seek each other's well-being

17:21

the rest of our lives. That's

17:23

the attitude of love, and

17:25

that's the attitude that will carry you

17:28

through and give you a healthy marriage.

17:30

Emotions come and go, and

17:33

even in a healthy marriage, some days

17:35

you have negative feelings towards your spouse

17:37

because of things they did or did not do.

17:40

That disappointed you? But

17:42

we don't live by emotions, positive or

17:44

negative. We don't deny them.

17:46

You know, we enjoy positive emotions

17:48

and we don't like to feel hurt

17:51

or to feel angry because we feel like we've

17:53

been mistreated. But those emotions

17:55

are responses to what's going on

17:57

in our lives. So we have to recognize

18:00

the key is seeing love as

18:02

an attitude, a way of

18:04

thinking. I want to enrich

18:06

the life of this other person as long as I live,

18:09

and then you look for ways to do it. The

18:11

love language helps you, but there's a lot of other

18:14

issues too, and how you can enrich

18:16

the other person's life. And when you

18:18

each of you have that attitude and

18:20

you're expressing it in your behavior and your words

18:22

to the other person, you're going

18:24

to have a good marriage.

18:25

Yeah.

18:26

Let me give you our number. Because I want to know, is Gary

18:29

right about this? Is there anybody listening who

18:31

said, you know, you're absolutely right or no,

18:33

I disagree because you have a

18:35

tangled story in your

18:37

marriage about before you got married.

18:39

After you got married. I'd love to hear some

18:41

feedback from you. Use the number

18:43

866424 Gary,

18:46

and you may hear some calls

18:48

on a future broadcast. Talk about

18:50

the tingles. 1866424

18:54

Gary. Now here, I'm

18:57

interested in your response to our next caller,

18:59

because it's another single person.

19:01

And I think there are a lot of men and women

19:03

who have this same question. Here we go.

19:06

I've been trying to find a different

19:09

ways introduction service

19:11

towards singles for single

19:13

people, but nobody's respond

19:15

to me. There's nothing going on. Try

19:18

and find a young lady to meet who was

19:20

interested. Would like to meet just to talk,

19:22

be with each other or do activities that we

19:24

like to do. I've had little success

19:26

finding anybody. Um,

19:28

so someone that could help or big

19:31

suggestions that would help. Uh,

19:33

so for that. But like four days of age

19:35

or higher and, uh, attractive

19:37

blonde or brunette hair, it's okay if

19:39

anyone like to call her so. But she doesn't. Okay.

19:42

Uh. That's it. Bye.

19:45

So. So again.

19:46

40 or older, attractive,

19:49

blonde or brunette is fine. This

19:51

is a young man, middle aged man

19:54

who's really looking for companionship

19:56

and and someone to come alongside

19:58

him. But he's having a hard time even in the

20:00

church finding that. What do

20:02

you say?

20:03

Yeah. Well, Chris, maybe we ought to say

20:05

if there's anyone listening in that category.

20:08

If.

20:08

No, I don't think we could do that. I

20:10

don't think we'd better do that.

20:16

Uh, I think there are

20:18

a number of single adults today

20:21

who are in the situation where

20:23

they would really like to get married. They

20:25

are strong Christians, you know, they're seeking to follow

20:28

God and walk with God. They're active in their church,

20:30

and they would really like to be married,

20:33

but they've never encountered

20:35

anyone in the church setting that

20:37

was, you know, that had an interest

20:39

in them even to start dating.

20:41

And apparently he also has

20:43

tried some of the online, you know, dating

20:46

services. And those

20:48

can be helpful. I mean, I run into

20:50

people all the time who say we met online,

20:54

but he apparently he's tried that and

20:57

he hasn't had anyone that's responded to him.

20:59

So and in today's culture,

21:01

Chris, you know, you would think it'd be

21:03

a lot easier today than it was

21:06

before. All the technology stuff.

21:08

Exactly.

21:09

But it's actually

21:11

harder today, I think, because

21:14

we all have these ideas in our mind

21:16

of what it should be like and

21:18

who the person would be like, and all this sort

21:20

of stuff. Like he's even talking about

21:22

the color of hair and, you know,

21:24

God may bring him a red head, you know? I

21:26

mean, let's fade our blonde.

21:30

It's okay to have those ideas,

21:32

but we have to be open to the reality,

21:34

the person that God has for me, maybe

21:36

someone that is not what I have

21:38

envisioned, you know, in my own mind.

21:40

And then the other possibility, Chris, is to remember

21:43

this. It is not God's plan

21:45

for every single person to get married. You

21:47

know, there are people in the New Testament that were not married

21:50

supremely. Jesus. Right.

21:53

But there are others that were not married. And

21:55

throughout history, God

21:58

has used many single adults

22:00

who never married, but who have

22:02

had tremendous impact upon

22:04

the kingdom of God. And so

22:07

don't assume that it's God's plan

22:09

for every single person to get married. But

22:12

it is God's plan for you

22:14

to invest your life in serving God.

22:17

So if you've given your life to Christ,

22:19

you've accepted him as your Savior. Seek

22:22

his direction and how you can

22:24

serve other people. Now

22:26

while you are single. And there

22:28

are plenty of opportunities in every city

22:30

in this country to plug in,

22:32

to ministry, to people.

22:35

And many times it's

22:37

in the context of ministry that

22:39

we meet someone who also has a

22:41

heart for ministry that,

22:44

you know, we find somebody. But

22:46

in the meantime, we're not going to wait till we get married

22:48

to begin investing our lives in helping other

22:50

people. So I would look for opportunities

22:53

to invest your life in helping people

22:55

now while you're single. You

22:58

know, Chris, I've had people say we met

23:00

in Nairobi or

23:02

somewhere we were both on on

23:05

a mission trip, a mission

23:07

group of young people. And in

23:09

that context, we met and

23:11

we saw each other's heart for serving God,

23:13

and we were drawn to each other. So

23:15

I'm not suggesting that everybody should sign up to

23:17

go to Nairobi. I'm just suggesting

23:20

that we we ought, as Christian

23:22

singles, we ought to be investing our

23:24

lives in serving God by serving

23:27

others.

23:27

Yeah, you can hear the heart cry from

23:29

his voice, and I'm sure there are people who listen

23:31

right now or say, that's exactly where

23:34

I am. And I love your answer

23:36

to him. Gary, we

23:38

have a featured resource today at the website.

23:40

It's a teens guide to the five Love

23:43

languages. Go to building relationships.us.

23:46

I want to play this question

23:48

and then we'll get your answer

23:50

here and maybe a little bit in the next

23:53

segment. I think that book,

23:55

A Teens Guide to the Five Love Languages,

23:58

might help in this situation

24:00

as we kind of jump into the deep end of the parenting

24:02

pool for this next question.

24:05

Hi, Gary. How do I respond

24:08

when my almost 17 year old daughter

24:10

criticizes me for my poor parenting

24:12

and then continues and won't stop

24:15

if I say I'm sorry? She replies

24:18

that if I were truly sorry that I would change

24:21

if I walk away. She accuses

24:23

me of not finishing the conversation.

24:26

However, the only way the conversation

24:28

would be successful from her perspective

24:30

is if she gets exactly what she's asking

24:33

for. So I let her continue

24:36

to berate me for a while, until

24:38

I come up with some sort of excuse

24:40

of something that I need to do. Usually

24:43

the topic is that I'm too controlling,

24:45

and she's supposed to turn in her smartphone

24:47

at night and she does not get unlimited

24:50

internet usage or social media.

24:52

Also, we adopted her from

24:54

foster care at age three, and I'm

24:56

not the best at emotional intelligence and

24:59

I'm at a loss. How should I best

25:01

respond to these situations? Thank

25:03

you so much.

25:05

Well, you know, Chris, let's face it, raising

25:08

teenagers is difficult. I

25:11

remember when

25:13

my son was a teenager. One

25:15

time my wife said to me, he's your

25:17

son. I'm going to let you take care of him. He

25:23

was our son. It wasn't just my son.

25:26

But it can be frustrating. There's no question

25:29

about it. Because teens

25:31

are beginning to develop logical

25:34

thought. I did not say they're

25:36

logical. I said they're beginning

25:38

to develop logical

25:41

thinking. And that's why they

25:43

question the things you've told them.

25:45

Because they're now thinking that doesn't make

25:47

sense. You know that's not right. And

25:50

so they're coming back and telling you that. And in

25:52

this case it's specific things,

25:54

guidelines that you have laid down for her

25:56

that she's kind of rebelling against

25:58

because in her mind you're being too strict

26:01

on her. So I think

26:03

we first of all need to hear the teenager,

26:05

no question about it. They need to be heard.

26:08

And then we have to think, because

26:10

there are times in which maybe we do need

26:12

to make some changes and keep this

26:15

in mind. The caller

26:17

said her daughter's 17, now at

26:19

18. Typically they

26:22

finish high school and they go

26:24

off to college, or they join

26:26

the military or something else.

26:29

But if they move out of the house.

26:32

They're going to do what they want to do. That

26:35

is, we can control the time that they

26:37

spend on, on the phones

26:39

and with screens and all of that. We can

26:41

do that. But we

26:43

have to realize in a year they

26:46

leave to go to college. They're going

26:48

to watch as much as they want to. So

26:50

sometimes we need to think, okay,

26:52

maybe I need to begin incrementally

26:55

expanding some of this, you

26:57

know, and if there's something you think really has

26:59

to be continued, fine. But

27:01

maybe there are some things that you need to loosen

27:03

up a bit on. So I think that

27:05

what we did when they were eight, nine, ten,

27:08

11, 12, which they just

27:10

accepted, but in the teenage

27:12

years, they're not likely going

27:14

to just accept them. They're questioning

27:16

those things and feeling like,

27:19

you know, you're being unfair to them.

27:21

And it's painful for a parent because

27:23

I know you're doing what whatever

27:26

rules you have, you have because you think those

27:28

are the best rules for them. But

27:30

I would I would give some thought

27:32

to, you know, whatever the rules are that

27:35

you have and just ask, do

27:37

I need to be thinking in terms of her independence

27:40

and getting her ready to be independent?

27:43

Because once they leave the house and

27:45

go to college or whatever they're

27:47

going to, they're going to have to make decisions on their own.

27:50

And your your decisions aren't going

27:52

to be controlling them at that point. So

27:55

I think helping them learn how to make wise

27:57

decisions. And in this case,

27:59

I think I would ask I would ask the teenager,

28:03

what do you think would be

28:05

what make me a better parent? Or

28:08

what do you think would be

28:11

more fair for you?

28:13

You know, just take seriously what they're

28:15

saying, because if

28:18

we listen to the teenager and

28:20

try to understand what they're saying

28:23

and then put ourselves in their

28:25

shoes, you know, be empathetic

28:27

with them and think about what if you were

28:29

a teenager and your parents were telling

28:31

you this? I think

28:33

listening to them gives them a sense that

28:35

you value their thoughts doesn't

28:38

mean you agree with their thoughts, but you value

28:40

their thoughts, and you want them to share their thoughts

28:42

with you. Because otherwise,

28:44

if they don't feel heard, then

28:46

they stop talking to you about the things

28:48

that that that they're struggling with.

28:51

They'll go talk to somebody else about it

28:53

because they feel like you don't hear them.

28:55

So I think the listening to them, even though it's

28:57

painful to hear sometimes what

28:59

they're saying, and we certainly don't

29:01

have to always agree with it. But

29:03

we can say, you know, I

29:05

think I understand what you're saying. I

29:08

guess if I were your age and I was

29:10

thinking the way you think, I'd probably

29:12

I'd probably think what you're thinking. But

29:15

let me just share my perspective,

29:17

you know, and then you share your perspective

29:19

as a parent. I want what's best for

29:21

you. And that's what I'm trying to do.

29:23

And I'm not saying that all the rules I have are

29:25

right. So maybe some of them

29:27

do need to be changed. And I'd like for us to talk

29:30

about it. So it's dialogue

29:32

rather than monologue. That

29:34

is, it's talking back and forth, discussing

29:36

an issue rather than doing what we

29:38

did when they were younger to just

29:41

say, this is the rule. And if you don't

29:43

follow the rule, here are the consequences.

29:45

And that works well for young children. I mean,

29:47

they need that, but as they

29:49

get to be teenagers, we need to think

29:52

about their own. A road toward

29:54

independence. And I want to

29:56

help them develop, you know, independence.

30:00

They're not they're not independent now, but

30:02

I want to help them get ready so that they'll

30:04

make wise decisions when they're out

30:06

there. And I'm not with them.

30:09

There's also the added

30:11

information about the adoption

30:13

and the.

30:13

Daughter's.

30:14

Background, and it

30:16

sounds like some of the underlying emotional

30:19

issues that might be surfacing

30:21

here in the in the later teen years,

30:24

such that, you know, a counselor

30:27

that can come alongside the mom and

30:29

the daughter or the whole family

30:31

to work through some of these things.

30:34

Do you think that could be helpful?

30:36

It could be very helpful. Chris, you're

30:38

exactly right. And

30:40

I've written a book that it won't be out till

30:42

next year on how the love language

30:44

works with adopted children. Because

30:47

when you adopt a child, even if you adopt

30:49

them young, you don't have that

30:51

emotional bond with them

30:54

that a biological parent has. And

30:56

how do we process that? How do we work through that?

30:59

And there's one other book I would suggest to

31:01

to this mother, and that is a book I wrote called

31:03

things I Wish I'd Known

31:06

Before Our Children Became Teenagers.

31:09

And in that book I talk about what's

31:11

happening in the the teenage brain

31:13

and what's going on in the teenage

31:15

brain, among other

31:17

things. And I think you'd find that book

31:19

to be helpful.

31:21

And if you go to the website building

31:23

relationships.us. You can

31:25

see all of our resources that we have,

31:28

including today's featured resource,

31:30

Teens Guide to the five Love

31:32

Languages. Gary. We get a lot of calls

31:34

about narcissism on the program.

31:37

Here is a wife asking about

31:39

a husband she's struggling to love well.

31:42

Hi, Jerry. I listened

31:44

to your audio book and I really, really loved

31:47

it. It was really enlightening. Some

31:49

of the things that I learned, even about myself

31:51

and my love language, my husband's

31:53

love language, and

31:56

his love language is physical

31:58

touch. And I believe it is also

32:00

words of affirmation. Maybe

32:03

the lesser of the two is the words of affirmation.

32:05

But my question is, does

32:07

this work when you're

32:10

dealing with someone who is

32:12

a narcissist? Because my

32:14

husband is absolutely narcissistic

32:17

and it's difficult for

32:19

me to speak his

32:22

love language when he's

32:25

so narcissistic, but really,

32:27

really appreciated if this

32:29

question could be answered. Thank

32:32

you.

32:33

Well, I can feel the hurt in the pain

32:35

in this call, Chris. And

32:38

I think when someone is married to

32:40

a person who is so

32:42

self-centered and

32:45

so always right and

32:47

who knows everything, you know, those

32:49

are the characteristics of a narcissistic

32:51

person. It's hard.

32:53

It's really hard because

32:57

the physical thing, you know, who wants

32:59

to be physical and be touching somebody

33:01

who has that attitude towards you,

33:04

you know, and they come across as

33:06

though you're always wrong. I'm always right.

33:08

And and you have to you have to really

33:10

try to find something to give them words

33:13

of affirmation, because you're not feeling

33:15

any words of affirmation coming from them.

33:18

So it can be hard.

33:20

I guess I would say a couple of things.

33:23

One, typically, a narcissistic

33:25

person will not go for counseling because

33:28

they think they don't need a counselor. And

33:30

if you suggested, they'll say, well, why don't you go?

33:32

You're the one that's got the problem. I

33:34

would say if they say that, okay,

33:37

I think I will. So

33:40

you go to counseling yourself and

33:42

you tell them, I've got to find

33:44

help. I don't know how long

33:46

I can go on. You know,

33:48

with the way you're treating me, the way you talk

33:50

to me, the way I feel put down

33:52

by you. And so I'm

33:55

going to go. I'm going to go for counseling and

33:57

let that counselor help you learn

34:00

how to respond over

34:02

the long haul here in

34:04

a positive and a positive and healthy way.

34:06

So don't just

34:08

give up. Don't just cave in.

34:10

Don't just let the pain that you feel

34:13

control you. Take

34:15

steps to learn yourself, how you

34:18

can respond differently. And

34:20

there is a place. There is a place

34:22

in a marriage for tough love. So

34:25

I think I would say yes

34:27

in terms of the process, you

34:29

want to do everything you can with the help

34:31

of God, to express love to him,

34:34

not because you're feeling love

34:36

toward your feeling that you love him,

34:39

but because you choose to speak

34:41

his language. You want to communicate to him

34:43

that he's loved. God

34:46

loves him. And so you're just God's

34:48

agent. You're not. You're not trying

34:50

to say, I feel loving toward

34:52

him, but God, I'm married

34:54

to him. So I'd like to be your

34:56

agent, to express your love to

34:58

him. And then you look for things,

35:00

words of affirmation that you can give him,

35:02

and you give him affirming touches.

35:04

And the hardest part here is the

35:07

sexual part of marriage, to be sure, because

35:09

that's extremely difficult when you

35:11

you don't feel loved by him, you put

35:13

down by him. And so at any rate,

35:15

there is a place when you have

35:18

tried to affirm him and tried to be

35:20

God's agent for loving him, and there's

35:22

no response, there is a place

35:25

to say in your own words,

35:27

you know, I don't know how you feel about us,

35:29

but I feel like I have done everything

35:32

I can possibly do to show you

35:34

that I love you, that I care

35:36

about you, that I would like for us

35:38

to have a loving relationship.

35:40

But it seems to me that you really don't care.

35:43

So I've gone for counseling.

35:46

I've done everything I know to do. I'm

35:49

going to move in with my mother. I'm

35:51

not abandoning you. I'm

35:53

perfectly happy to go for counseling with you

35:56

if you want to deal with the problem.

35:58

But in the meantime,

36:00

I love you too much to sit here

36:02

and do nothing because it's

36:04

destroying me. And if you have children,

36:06

you can say it's destroying our children. And

36:09

therefore, this is what I'm going to do. And

36:12

because you have been loving them

36:14

even though they don't deserve love. They're

36:17

going to be thinking, wow, I'm going

36:19

to lose something here. I'm going to

36:21

lose somebody who has loved me when I

36:23

didn't deserve it. And God

36:25

can use that, that tough love

36:27

to touch their hearts. And

36:29

it doesn't mean they'll always turn around or always

36:32

be open for counseling. But sometimes

36:34

it's tough love that brings

36:36

the person to the point where they realize,

36:38

I've got to do something here. So

36:41

those are some of my thoughts. But you know, a counselor

36:43

can help you with other things and help you process

36:45

it on a regular basis.

36:48

This is building relationships with

36:50

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New

36:52

York Times bestseller The Five Love

36:55

Languages. Our featured resource

36:57

today is a teens guide to the five

36:59

love languages, how to understand

37:01

yourself and improve all your relationships.

37:04

You can find out more at building relationships.us.

37:08

You know.

37:08

I love the fact that this is a safe

37:11

place for you to ask any question

37:13

that you're struggling with. I hope you feel

37:15

that as you listen and as you call

37:17

us. And here's a question I

37:19

don't think we've ever received. This

37:22

caller has gone through some really deep

37:24

trauma with the situation with his wife,

37:27

and he's looking for some advice from

37:29

Dr. Chapman.

37:31

Hi, Gary. I'm calling from

37:33

Canada. I've been listening

37:36

to your program here. I

37:38

want to ask you a question. My

37:40

wife had a cleaner surgery.

37:43

There is neurological surgery. That means

37:45

it was in the brain to remove

37:48

a tumor. I was

37:50

thrown off balance. I was really traumatized

37:53

from that time. I've been

37:56

moving from home to the hospital.

37:58

From hospital to home. I'm alone.

38:00

Been really, really weakened.

38:04

But I got a strength

38:06

within the Word of God and praying. That's

38:08

where I draw my strength from. Now

38:10

she's recovering,

38:13

but paralyzed somehow.

38:15

They are asking me to sign

38:17

a consent to move to a

38:20

long term care facility. Now

38:22

my question is, I need

38:24

a sister. I need someone

38:27

to be with me. I need a wife.

38:30

How do I go about that? Feel

38:32

alone. I'm still. This is up

38:34

to one year, six months and

38:37

been struggling, going up and down, sometimes

38:39

moving like someone who is having mental

38:41

problems, you know, because

38:44

not only am I traumatized

38:46

by what happened, I don't have

38:48

anyone to share the ideas. And

38:50

you know, Painswick, I said,

38:53

God, so should I look

38:55

for another wife? What do I do?

38:58

Thank you.

39:00

Well, Chris, I'm empathetic with this

39:02

caller. You can feel the pain,

39:04

the hurt, the disillusionment, the trauma

39:07

that he's experiencing. Married

39:10

and planning to have a wonderful long

39:12

life together. And then the

39:14

physical problem develops and

39:16

it leaves her paralyzed. And she's

39:19

going to be in a facility now. I

39:22

think anyone can identify

39:24

with the the difficulty of

39:26

dealing with that. However,

39:29

I think we have to come back to

39:31

the heart of what the Bible says about marriage.

39:34

Marriage is a commitment that

39:36

we make to another person. They're

39:39

going to love them and be faithful

39:41

to them. So long

39:44

as we both shall live.

39:46

That's in almost every wedding

39:48

ceremony. It is

39:50

a commitment that we make,

39:53

and with God's help, we

39:55

can keep that commitment even

39:58

in difficult situations like this.

40:01

No one would, just

40:03

by nature, choose to have

40:05

a spouse come down with a problem

40:07

like this that apparently is going to be with

40:09

them the rest of their life. No one would choose

40:11

that. But she didn't

40:13

choose it. It wasn't something

40:16

she chose. You know, we live in a fallen

40:18

world. Our bodies are falling.

40:21

And there are many, many people

40:23

in this world who have

40:26

blind and paralyzed

40:28

and all kinds of other things, and some

40:30

who have dementia and

40:32

can't respond at all in any way

40:35

to you. So I

40:37

think we have to come back to, to say

40:39

to God, you know where I am.

40:42

You know how hard this is, but

40:44

I've made a commitment and I want

40:46

to be faithful to that commitment and to you.

40:49

So give me grace. Give

40:51

me courage, give me energy,

40:54

give me wisdom and how

40:56

I relate to my spouse

40:58

through this journey. It is not

41:00

a time, in my opinion, to be thinking about

41:02

someone else. Paralyzed

41:05

is one thing, but my

41:07

question would be can she talk?

41:10

Is she ability to carry on a conversation

41:13

with you? That would be a huge blessing

41:15

if that's true. Then you can sit

41:18

down and have conversations with her.

41:20

Even if she's paralyzed in other ways,

41:22

there are people who can't talk. I

41:25

have a close friend whose wife

41:27

for ten years could

41:29

not talk, could not say anything,

41:31

could not do anything, simply lie.

41:33

Was lying in the bed and just

41:35

basically staying alive. And

41:38

he would still go there every

41:40

other day and sit down

41:42

and spend a few hours in her presence.

41:44

He would talk to her. She couldn't

41:46

respond. He would sing to her.

41:49

She couldn't respond. But

41:51

he was faithful to his

41:53

commitment that he made to her. And

41:56

we don't know how much she heard or how much

41:58

she took in. But everybody

42:01

I know admires that man

42:03

for his commitment. Now,

42:06

for your own emotional health,

42:08

your own emotional spiritual health,

42:10

I would suggest that you try to find

42:12

a support group in

42:14

a local church, and many churches

42:16

have support groups for people

42:19

that are going through hard times,

42:21

like you're going through, so

42:23

that you can be encouraged

42:25

to hear other people's stories. Others

42:27

can hear your story. You interface

42:30

with people who are going through similar things.

42:32

You can pray for each other. You can encourage

42:35

each other so that you're not alone

42:38

in this process. So

42:40

that would be my suggestion. And

42:43

obviously you indicated this. You're

42:45

drawing on God. He's the one that's

42:47

giving you the power to do this so far.

42:49

And he can continue to

42:51

give you the power to be faithful

42:54

in the midst of a very, very difficult situation.

42:56

But all of us need other people

42:58

in our lives. I don't think

43:00

you need another wife, but you do need

43:03

other people, particularly men

43:05

who are also going through hard

43:07

times. So I would ask your

43:09

pastor, our church leaders, you know, what's

43:11

available for someone like me. Is there

43:13

a group that I could attend? And if they

43:16

don't have a group, check with some of the other churches

43:18

that locally to see what they might have, because

43:20

many churches do have support

43:23

groups that deal with different types of situations.

43:26

I love the reality.

43:28

Of what.

43:29

The question that he's asking,

43:31

because after a year and a half, you know, he's

43:34

just there's something wrong

43:36

with me and I really need that,

43:38

really need this over here. And it's almost

43:40

like he's he's being so

43:43

real with us and

43:45

so real with God, you know?

43:47

God, would you help me this way

43:50

that he's reaching out in that isolated

43:53

sense? So that was the exact same thing that I

43:55

was thinking of. You need relationship,

43:58

not another wife. You need that relationship

44:00

for that encouragement. So

44:02

I think what the time left here, Gary, why

44:04

don't we just go to God and

44:07

pray for this listener and others who

44:09

may be in a similar situation? Could

44:11

you lead us?

44:12

Surely. Father,

44:14

I know that you know this

44:17

man who shared his heart with us.

44:20

I know that you love him and

44:23

know that you're fully aware of his situation.

44:26

And I pray that your spirit

44:28

will touch His spirit. Give

44:31

him the attitude of Christ,

44:34

the mind of Christ. May

44:36

he see himself as your representative

44:39

for making sure that his wife has

44:41

the best care she can get. And

44:43

may he do everything he can to spend

44:46

time with her, and

44:48

grant our father that she would also bring into

44:50

his life other people in

44:52

the family of God who are struggling

44:55

and who can help him, and

44:57

even a counselor father who will listen

45:00

to what he has to say and help him process

45:02

his thoughts and his emotions. Because

45:05

in the midst of this, I know that you've created

45:07

the church as a family. And

45:10

so I pray, father, you would bring

45:12

into his life individuals and

45:14

the counselors who can help him

45:16

process his pain and

45:18

recognize that you want

45:20

to work through him with his

45:22

pain, and you want to minister

45:25

to him through his pain.

45:27

So, father, we commit him to you and

45:29

pray that you would bring people into his life

45:31

who can be your hands and

45:34

your voice to help encourage him.

45:36

In the name of Christ we pray. Amen.

45:39

Amen. And friend.

45:41

If you have a question or a

45:43

comment, call us 866424

45:46

Gary. You can leave your message. You

45:48

might hear an answer on a future Dear

45:50

Gary broadcast in 1-866-424-4279

45:56

and go to the website Building Relationships

45:58

US. You'll see the book A Teens

46:00

Guide to the five Love Languages.

46:03

Again, go to Building relationships.us.

46:06

And next week you'll hear about an exciting

46:09

video series for teens, their

46:11

parents, and their grandparents.

46:13

Don't miss a conversation with Dr. Christopher

46:15

Ewen in one week. A big

46:17

thank you to our production team. Steve

46:19

Wick and Janice. Backing building

46:21

relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman

46:24

is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago

46:26

in association with Moody Publishers,

46:29

a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.

46:31

Thanks for.