0:00

There's so many people who tell me, I wish my kids came with

0:02

an instruction manual and I'm like, they do. It's

0:04

called the Bible, you know? And it's not going

0:06

to tell you, you know, which college your kid is going

0:08

to go to or what career they should have. But there's a whole

0:10

lot of wisdom in the Scripture, Old and New Testament

0:12

that can help us raise up our kids. And I wanted to point

0:14

parents to that reality.

0:20

Welcome to building relationships

0:23

with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New

0:25

York Times bestseller The Five Love

0:27

Language. Today. Author

0:29

and speaker. Doctor Cathy. A cook wants to help

0:31

you parent differently. She

0:33

believes the outcome could be a drastic change

0:35

in the culture.

0:36

Let's find out if she's right. The topic

0:39

today is how to raise kids who embrace biblical

0:41

character, not only teaching that to

0:43

them. But letting them catch it

0:45

from mom and dad. If you go to a website,

0:48

you'll see our featured resource there, doctor Cook's

0:50

latest book, Parent Differently.

0:52

Go to Building relationships.us.

0:55

And it strikes me, Gary, that you

0:57

and Carolyn tried to parent this way

0:59

and you caught a lot of positive modeling

1:02

from your own parents. Is that.

1:03

True? I did Chris, my mom

1:06

and dad were both Christians. Dad was not a

1:08

Christian, actually, when he married my mom.

1:10

But two years later, he became a

1:12

real follower of Jesus. So

1:14

I grew up in a Christian home and

1:16

it made a tremendous difference in my life.

1:19

You know, I am so grateful as I look back upon

1:22

the years that I spent at home. And

1:24

I remember when my mom got older, of course, she was

1:27

fighting with dementia for a good long while,

1:29

and I had two sisters with her around the clock,

1:31

and one day she said to me,

1:33

she said, you know, I'm afraid you're going to run out of

1:35

money paying all these sitters. And I

1:37

said, well, mom, maybe I will. But

1:39

look at it this way for 18,

1:42

17 years, because I was 17 when I

1:44

went off to college. I said for 17 years

1:46

you did everything for me. I

1:49

said, I've only done this for about eight years.

1:51

I got about how many more years to go.

1:55

So yeah, this is an exciting topic today

1:57

and I'm glad we're going to be discussing

1:59

it.

2:00

Well, if you go to building relationships with

2:02

us, you'll see our featured resource

2:04

by Doctor Cook parent differently.

2:06

Raise kids with biblical character

2:08

that changes culture. Doctor

2:11

Kathy Cook is founder and president of Celebrate

2:13

Kids Incorporated, based in Fort Worth, Texas.

2:16

She's written a number of bestsellers

2:18

seven, I believe, of parent

2:21

and child enrichment books such

2:23

as Screens and Teens eight Great

2:25

Smarts and Resilient Kids. We've

2:27

talked about them here. She earned a

2:29

PhD in reading and educational psychology

2:31

from Purdue University. Go Boilermakers.

2:34

You can find out more about parent differently

2:36

at building relationships with us.

2:39

Well Doctor Cook, welcome back to Building Relationships.

2:42

Thank you so much. I'm really, really happy

2:44

to be here.

2:45

Before we jump into today's topic,

2:47

can you tell our listeners more about yourself

2:50

and why you've dedicated your life

2:52

to the work you're doing with children and

2:54

their parents?

2:55

Yeah, I'd love to. So I'm

2:57

the founder of Celebrate Kids. I live in

2:59

Fort Worth, Texas, moved here to start

3:01

the ministry from green Bay, Wisconsin. Grew

3:03

up in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area. Great

3:06

parents, an older brother raised

3:08

in church, not by Christians. My parents came to

3:10

faith and in Christ very late in life,

3:12

but I was a celebrated kid. Gary. Both Dave

3:14

and I were celebrated. We were paid attention

3:16

to. We were wanted. We knew that we were liked

3:18

and loved. And so my ministry comes

3:20

out of the success that I

3:23

had as a child, and I want other children to have

3:25

that. You know, some people have ministries

3:27

that are founded on brokenness, and that's fine

3:29

where they want to repair damage and they want to give people

3:32

what they never had. My story is that

3:34

I was celebrated, and I want other parents to do what my

3:36

parents did.

3:37

Yeah. It's great. Well, this latest

3:39

title, parent Differently, uh,

3:41

it's about teaching biblical character.

3:44

What prompted you to tackle this topic?

3:46

Thanks for asking that question. You know, you

3:48

and I both have this in common, Gary. I want children

3:51

to fulfill the purpose that they've been given.

3:53

When God chose to create them, he gave

3:55

them gifts. We know that from Ephesians 210.

3:57

He had a purpose and a vision for their lives.

3:59

And without biblical character, children

4:02

can't fulfill what they were created

4:04

to do because negative character doesn't

4:06

give us influence or impact. So that

4:08

was one reason. I also know that

4:10

so many parents are frustrated today with disobedient

4:12

kids. They're yelling. They're telling, they're

4:14

throwing their hands up, they're fatigued, they're tired

4:17

of the tech. So it's messy. And I believe

4:19

that if we pay more attention to character than obedience

4:21

will make more of a life change for our

4:23

children. And then the third reason is

4:26

the whole idea of biblical character.

4:29

We, you know, there's so many people who tell me, I

4:31

wish my kids came with an instruction manual. And

4:33

I'm like, they do. It's called the Bible, you know, and

4:36

the Bible. The Bible is super

4:38

practical, you know, it doesn't it's not going to tell you,

4:40

you know, which college your kid is going to go to or

4:42

what career they should have, or, you know, whether

4:44

you should breastfeed or not. No, but there's a

4:46

whole lot of wisdom in the Scripture, Old and New Testament

4:49

that can help us raise up our kids. And I wanted to

4:51

point parents to that reality.

4:52

Yeah, but when you talk about biblical

4:55

character, what are you talking about specifically?

4:58

Yeah, I.

4:59

Appreciate that because you notice it's not Christlike

5:01

character. You know, a lot of people talk about Christlike

5:03

character. And of course, becoming like Christ is

5:05

the call to the believer. Certainly that's why

5:07

we follow him. But you know what children have said to me?

5:10

But Doctor Cathy, Jesus is perfect.

5:12

You know I can't be like Jesus. So it's

5:14

a little bit off putting, potentially,

5:16

without the kind of explanation that it would take a

5:18

while to, you know, elaborate. And,

5:21

and so the reason I went with biblical is part

5:23

of that. That's one of the reasons. The other major

5:25

reason, though, is I want our children. I'm

5:27

on us and our kids to not just

5:30

live as Jesus Christ lived his life,

5:32

but I want us to also live according to God's

5:34

ways and God's will. And there's a whole

5:37

lot in the Old Testament and a whole lot in the New Testament,

5:39

not specifically related to Jesus Christ,

5:41

that it is about character, including other Bible

5:44

heroes, including, you know, the fruit

5:46

of the spirit. The one another's of the New Testament

5:48

and the Beatitudes. And you know so

5:50

much wisdom in the Psalms about how it would be

5:52

wise for us to live out our lives. And that's

5:54

what I would love for parents to impress upon

5:56

their kids.

5:57

Yeah.

5:58

Now, Chris mentioned the whole concept of parents

6:01

modeling this kind of lifestyle

6:03

for children. How important is that for

6:05

the child, you know, to catch this from

6:07

their parents lives?

6:09

Yeah, it's so important. Right? Like, what

6:11

are the adjectives that we could use? Like super important.

6:14

Um, integrity matters. And children at a very

6:16

young age are going to be able to figure children

6:19

at a very young age. Will figure out if their

6:21

parents talk is matching

6:23

their walk. And when it doesn't, of course, they

6:25

become confused and even angry. And when

6:28

children are angry, they don't behave as well as

6:30

you would like. So that's a real issue. What

6:32

I would love to recommend parents

6:34

do is talk more out loud

6:36

about what they are modeling. Don't

6:38

assume that just because you model kindness, patience,

6:41

goodness, or generosity that your children

6:43

will automatically wake up one day and become those

6:45

things? It's not necessarily true.

6:47

I believe that much is taught and

6:49

much as caught. And when we combine

6:51

the two, it's really profitable. So

6:53

as an example, talk out loud about

6:55

why you made the decision you made. Why were you generous

6:58

in that situation? Your kids were there. They watched

7:00

you do what you did. Why did you do it? Talk

7:02

out loud. Because it's the reason.

7:04

It's the why behind the what. It's the why

7:06

behind the behavior that's going to

7:08

motivate your children to be able

7:11

to pick up on that because they

7:13

honor you and they want to believe that you're making

7:15

a wise choice, and now they're going to be more

7:17

capable of doing that. I hope that makes sense.

7:20

Yeah, I think it does. And the other factor is this

7:22

you mentioned earlier, of course children aren't

7:24

perfect. Jesus was perfect. Parents aren't

7:27

perfect. So what would you say to the parent

7:29

who realizes they're not perfect and they fail

7:31

from time to time? How do they deal with that?

7:33

Yeah, well, welcome to the world. Right? Um,

7:36

the, you know, the sin nature is real.

7:38

And, uh, you know, parents today

7:40

are overwhelmed and frustrated and

7:42

tired and distracted and there's

7:45

just so much right that's going on. So, first of all,

7:47

don't panic when mistakes

7:49

occur, when you even intentionally do something

7:51

that's less than God glorifying. Like, we

7:53

all understand that. That's why we're here.

7:55

You know, we're here to help you and

7:58

what I know to be true. And I think you agree.

8:00

Gotcha, Chapman, that, um, when

8:02

we're not perfect and we admit that

8:05

we actually gain authority, um,

8:07

our vulnerability and our transparency

8:09

shows children that we can.

8:11

We are still learning, and now

8:14

they're not as panicked when they admit

8:16

that they're struggling. They think, oh, daddy might

8:18

understand if I admit that I cheated because

8:20

he's admitted to me that he kind of sometimes

8:22

struggles with stuff. I think it's very

8:24

essential that we admit age

8:27

appropriately, right? Developmentally, appropriately,

8:30

what it is that's going on in our world. Yeah.

8:32

And then so we're modeling the whole concept

8:35

of confessing our sins, right?

8:37

Right.

8:37

True, true.

8:38

Yeah, yeah. Uh, is it ever

8:41

too early or too late to

8:43

teach biblical character?

8:45

It's not. Um, certainly the

8:47

earlier the better, because then you have

8:50

fewer bad habits to break. I used

8:52

to coach girls, fifth and sixth graders

8:54

in basketball, and I loved

8:56

that because they came in with very few skills,

8:59

so I didn't have to break bad habits that I didn't

9:01

like that another coach had instilled in them. I

9:03

was able to start them off from a really

9:05

naive position and teach them the way that I

9:07

wanted my athletes and my my team

9:10

to perform, if you will. So the same thing is true

9:12

here with characters. Start young,

9:14

talk about it. Young, demonstrate it young.

9:16

Have them, you know, act it out when they're young.

9:18

Now, if you're listening and your kids are older,

9:20

you're thinking, oh, I've got to do a U-turn. Yes.

9:22

And you can do that. And it's it's

9:24

never too late. This is where you, you know, you say

9:27

to the oldest kid, you know, you're a guinea pig, you've known

9:29

your whole life, you're our guinea pig. And you know, we've

9:31

learned some new things. We listen to a great radio

9:33

show, we've read a great book, we've learned some new things,

9:35

and we apologize for the mistakes we've made.

9:37

And we're asking you to, you know, give us a

9:39

fresh start and let's let's try

9:41

again in this way, I think

9:44

earlier, the better. The apology may be necessary.

9:46

If your kids are older and you know why, I know

9:48

it's never too late because my character has

9:50

been influenced by even writing this book. You

9:52

know, you know, Doctor Chapman, that writing

9:54

is like writing a book. Because no joke. Because,

9:57

you know, I'm confronted with, okay, if I put that in

9:59

this book, you know, and hello, integrity,

10:01

I'm going to have to act it out so I

10:04

know that it's never too late to be affected.

10:06

Praise God.

10:08

Absolutely.

10:09

This is building relationships with

10:11

Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York

10:14

Times bestseller The Five Love Languages.

10:17

Doctor Kathy Cook is joining us today,

10:19

author of Parent Differently Race

10:21

Kids with Biblical Character That Changes

10:23

Culture. Find out more about it at

10:25

Building Relationships us that's

10:28

building relationships us

10:30

that cook.

10:31

You say there are ways to determine

10:33

if a child's character is mature.

10:36

Uh, what are you looking for in determining

10:39

that?

10:40

I'm glad you asked that, because this is important

10:42

to me that parents keep

10:44

teaching, you know, don't tell and yell,

10:46

but teach for maturity,

10:48

teach for growth, and look for that. And there's three things

10:50

that I believe are most important. One would be

10:52

is a child's character complete. So

10:55

as you know, in the book, I list 48 character

10:57

qualities. One of my books has 120

10:59

character qualities, but I listed 48 in this book

11:01

and I didn't want to overwhelm people. And there's

11:03

a reason that I cut back on the list.

11:05

So of the 48 as an example,

11:07

how many are my children able

11:09

to use? So that's complete.

11:12

The second factor that's super important

11:14

is consistent. How consistently

11:16

do my kids use the quality? Like if you notice

11:19

that your child is capable of being kind,

11:21

is she always kind or is she

11:23

only kind to people she likes? Okay,

11:25

that's inconsistent, and she's got a belief system

11:28

that's getting in the way there. And then the third

11:30

thing that I think is so valuable to look for

11:32

is automatic. How automatically

11:34

do they use the character qualities. Because

11:36

isn't it, wouldn't it be great if at one point we don't have to tell

11:38

them to be kind? You know, wouldn't it be

11:40

great if there's a day coming when we don't have to

11:42

say, oh, please be patient? No. So

11:45

are they able to use the quality? How complete

11:47

are there, are there how complete is their

11:49

character? And then how consistently do

11:51

they use the qualities. And then how automatically

11:54

do we, our children are able to use

11:56

them. And if you find out that a child is automatically

11:58

using a quality like Praise God, and

12:00

then every once in a while affirm them, don't ignore it

12:02

every once in a while, affirm them. But you're not

12:05

going to have to nag at them. And that's going to be such

12:07

a refreshing feeling.

12:09

Yeah, yeah.

12:10

Would you say that some of these character

12:12

qualities are more important than others?

12:15

I would, so yeah, thanks for asking

12:17

that. I don't want people thinking 48. I could never do that.

12:19

And yes, you can. You actually can do

12:22

it. Many of the qualities you and your children are already

12:24

exhibiting, I think you'll be encouraged by that. But

12:26

I did come up with a baker's dozen 13,

12:28

the top 13 that I think are significant,

12:31

and from that there's a top 3 or 4 that

12:33

I can quickly mention. Uh, the first

12:35

one is gratitude. A gratitude

12:37

is a parent virtue. There's evidence, both

12:39

in Scripture and in research, that people

12:41

who are grateful develop many other qualities

12:44

compassion and patience and generosity

12:46

and optimism and joy and and

12:49

inner peace and more so, gratitude is

12:51

significant. Also, gratitude is evidence

12:53

of spiritual maturity, and it also

12:55

creates a spiritual maturity. So when

12:57

we talk to our kids about how much we have to be grateful

13:00

for, like gratitude can't just

13:02

be one week a year or one day a year.

13:04

We can't just be grateful the month of December to try

13:06

to get more stuff. You know, if I say thank

13:09

you to grandma, maybe she'll give me more stuff. No.

13:11

Gratitude should be who we are and not something that we

13:13

do. So that's number one. And then joy

13:15

is number two and not circumstantial

13:17

happiness, but a real internal joy.

13:20

Of course, for the believer that is found in

13:22

our relationship with Jesus Christ, so

13:24

is is a child able

13:26

to exhibit a dynamic, growing,

13:28

life giving a relationship

13:31

with Jesus Christ? Are we joyful and joyful

13:33

and gratitude are like, what are they,

13:35

cousins or siblings? Or maybe even a married

13:37

couple? Like they're so close. Um,

13:39

the research and again, the Scripture would say

13:41

that grateful people are joyful. Joyful people are grateful.

13:44

I prioritize those two because of what

13:46

it does to the environment, in the home and to the heart of the

13:48

child. The third one is self-efficacy.

13:51

And to people who have never heard that word, don't panic.

13:53

It's an unusual character quality,

13:55

but it's so important. Self-efficacy simply

13:57

means that I believe I can be effective,

14:00

not effective, meaning

14:02

that I'm independent from my parents, but

14:04

effective, meaning that I can do what my parents ask

14:06

me to do. So when you say to your child,

14:08

please empty the dishwasher or, you know,

14:10

go help your sister get ready for bed, your

14:12

child doesn't freak out and go, oh, I can't do that.

14:14

I'm only seven. No, you've trained your seven

14:17

year old how to help the three year old. And when you say,

14:19

hey, would you go help Elizabeth? She's like,

14:21

sure. Like, wouldn't that be great if they're just like, okay, mom,

14:23

no problem. You know, they still might complain sometimes,

14:25

but kids who have self-efficacy

14:27

believe in themselves and believe

14:30

that they're capable of doing what they've been asked

14:32

to do. So you have less complaining. You

14:34

have, you know, less arguing in those kinds of things.

14:36

And there's interesting research that

14:38

suggests that these three are

14:40

foundational to first time obedience. So

14:42

that's why they're the top three in the book, not just

14:45

because the Bible would proclaim

14:47

the relevance of these three. But if you

14:49

want your children to be obedient, like, I could have sold

14:51

more copies of the book if I would have called it, you

14:53

know, raise obedient kids. But

14:55

I you know, it's not about sales, obviously, and I'm

14:57

not going to do that because what what

14:59

we know is that when a character has

15:01

changed, the heart has changed, and now they'll

15:04

be well and do well even when no one's looking. And that's

15:06

what, of course, we want. So I'll leave it at that.

15:08

There's more, but those are the top three that I

15:10

write about.

15:10

Yeah, yeah.

15:12

How are children's beliefs

15:15

connected to their character choices?

15:18

I love that, um, so we

15:21

teach at the ministry that beliefs cause behavior.

15:23

And this isn't my rocket science. Like, this is

15:25

just this is just true. That

15:27

what we believe causes us

15:30

to do what we do. So beliefs

15:32

are not hidden. Let me say,

15:34

Doctor Chapman, that the fourth character quality, the

15:36

fourth in my list of 13, is

15:38

self-respect. And I'll throw that out

15:40

there, because if children do not respect

15:43

themselves, nothing matters. If

15:45

children do not believe that they are children

15:47

of worth, they don't have to be good at anything.

15:50

If children don't believe that God

15:52

created them with good gifts and that

15:54

they have a purpose yet to be discovered, just

15:56

like Esther did, if they don't believe that about

15:58

themselves, then they don't have to have healthy

16:00

character, biblical character, Christlike character,

16:02

obedience, or anything else. So

16:04

that belief that I matter

16:07

transforms everything. And

16:09

then there's so many other examples, like if I believe

16:11

my mom is mean, then I'm not going to

16:13

listen to her with the heart to obey. If

16:15

I believe my sister is preferred

16:17

over me, I will be quickly jealous,

16:19

quickly angry, quickly bitter,

16:21

I will resent, I will not submit. It's going

16:23

to be a mess. So beliefs

16:25

are under the surface, but have to be dealt

16:28

with in order for children and adults

16:30

to make significant change

16:32

that lasts.

16:34

So how do you deal with those beliefs

16:36

that that we as parents recognize

16:39

are not positive beliefs, are not true

16:42

beliefs, just is just

16:44

the examples that you just mentioned. How does a parent

16:46

deal with it?

16:47

Well, if you if you're able to discover it, you

16:49

know, praise God. Certainly you do. You look for

16:51

patterns. You kids are old enough. Talk

16:53

to them. You know, if you say to a kid, why did you just

16:55

do that? Many of them will look at you like, I

16:57

don't know, I just did it just like an adult. So

16:59

I'll ask an adult, why did you just cut in line?

17:01

And they look at me like, oh, did did I do that wrong? Was

17:03

that wrong? Like, we're so patterned,

17:06

right? And we're so selfish

17:08

and arrogant at times. I think those are huge issues.

17:10

Um, so I would observe

17:13

for patterns because that will

17:15

often indicate, oh, it's always when

17:17

the sisters in the room, or it's always during math

17:19

or. It's always on Sunday morning, so they're stressed

17:21

about church. I wonder why they're

17:23

always angry on Sunday mornings. So look for

17:25

patterns and then you talk to the kids, but you

17:27

talk to them in a respectful way,

17:29

one on one. Not not with the siblings present.

17:32

And you know, Jonathan, we're sad. We're

17:34

concerned for some choices that you've been making. And we've

17:36

been noticing that often you

17:38

are critically, you're like critical and

17:40

irritable when your older brother's in the room.

17:42

So we're guessing there's something going on between you and

17:44

your brother. We want to hear your heart.

17:47

So could you share with us what's going on? So

17:49

I think we ask a really heartfelt question,

17:51

and then we're silent and we wait.

17:54

And you know what? You know, you you know this

17:56

Doctor Chapman. They often won't in the moment answer

17:58

your question, but they'll come back 20 minutes or

18:00

2 hours later. Hey, dad. Hey,

18:03

mom. I've been thinking, and

18:05

it just it honors them that you care about

18:07

what's going on. And I love that

18:10

kids discover that they're not bad kids.

18:12

They're not bad kids. They're not 24,

18:14

seven, three, 65 behaving

18:16

badly in that way. There's something triggering

18:18

the response. And it's sin, you know, and

18:21

they need to know that there is

18:23

some control that they can bring to that issue.

18:25

Yeah.

18:27

How is character connected to

18:29

family values?

18:31

Right. I hope that

18:34

parents have thought about what they value,

18:36

and I hope that they recognize that there's

18:38

a family value. You know, God ordains

18:40

the family before he ordains the church.

18:42

And why are we parenting

18:44

these children? Why are we married and why are

18:46

we parenting these children, whether that be through

18:48

birth, adoption, or fostering? What about

18:50

the grandparents? Why am I invested in these kids?

18:53

So there is a reason you are a family

18:55

and character is what allows us to make

18:58

an impact. Character is what allows us to discover

19:00

our gifts and use them for for God's

19:02

glory. So that's how we pass on

19:05

and maintain the family

19:07

values, I think. I think it's

19:09

essential just without character. We're

19:11

nothing characters, our reputation

19:13

character. Mark says. Character is

19:15

the firm foundation of our decision making.

19:18

I'm character is how we're known and so

19:20

if you have a family value of generosity,

19:23

moms and dads, let's say that you give to

19:25

pregnancy resource centers. You give to prevent abortion.

19:28

You give to the homeless or the hungry or to

19:30

end trafficking you. You do more

19:32

than tithing to your local church. You give to the building,

19:34

plan to your kids. Know that. And why

19:36

do you make those decisions? You talk

19:38

about it and you talk about how you've chosen to be generous.

19:40

Maybe your parents were generous and you learned it from them,

19:43

and now you're hoping your kids are going to learn to be generous

19:45

in times of plenty. And in

19:47

times of want. You talk about it, you

19:49

demonstrate it. You use the Scripture to

19:51

to show them that this is God's choice,

19:53

that we would behave in these ways. It's

19:56

not simple, but it's it's very doable.

19:58

Yeah.

19:59

I'm glad you mentioned generosity, because,

20:02

yeah, I think there are a lot of parents

20:04

who are generous. You know, they

20:06

support various mission causes and other

20:08

things, but they don't they don't

20:10

really inform their children about what they're doing.

20:13

I don't know whether they think they're too young or.

20:15

But but really, we ought to let

20:17

them in on what we're doing. Right?

20:20

Absolutely. I love asking children of all ages,

20:22

what are some problems you would like to help solve?

20:26

And then we help them give to those causes.

20:28

There's a family in my own church that

20:30

they ask the questions of their children every once

20:32

in a while, and unbeknownst to them, one

20:34

of their sons was in a public

20:36

school with a foster child. There was a foster kid

20:38

in his class, and he noticed that that

20:41

boy always wore the same sweater.

20:43

So when it was time for him to clean out his closet,

20:45

he said to his mom, hey, could I see if Kevin

20:48

could? Could I see if Kevin could wear these

20:50

clothes? And so that mom contacted the teacher

20:52

to ask permission to contact the parent to see if that

20:54

was okay. And now that family, because

20:56

of that little boy and one friend, that

20:58

family now does respite care one Friday night

21:00

a month for parents of foster kids

21:03

so that they take care of the kids in the church

21:05

so the parents can go have a date night. So

21:07

that is a way that that family is

21:09

generously serving with their time and their talent.

21:11

Because of a little boy who was invited

21:14

to think about what he cares about.

21:17

And then the other the other issue, I would say, Gary, now

21:19

that there's so much online giving kids

21:21

don't even see their parents put money in an offering plate,

21:24

and if they don't have access to a

21:26

bank account, they don't know that we give to,

21:28

you know, this, this college roommate

21:31

who's now a missionary in India. Like, they need

21:33

to know those kinds of things because it enlarges

21:35

their understanding of who we are.

21:37

Yeah. I think what you're saying is really

21:39

important for our kids, but it's also important

21:41

for us, Doctor Cook, because we've

21:44

become so used to the direct

21:47

debit from the account that we

21:49

forget. You know, we forget

21:51

unless we get an email from,

21:53

you know, compassion or whomever we're

21:55

supporting, unless you get that reminder.

21:58

Oh yeah, that's right. You know, my my

22:00

child's name and whatever country we

22:02

need to remember what it is we're doing

22:05

and then evaluate if we can,

22:07

you know, can even do more in different

22:09

areas, don't you think?

22:10

I love that? In fact, I resisted

22:13

the automatic debit from my, um,

22:15

checking account for contributions

22:18

for the longest time. For fear that I would

22:20

stop praying because when I

22:22

when I, you know, made out the check and put it in the envelope

22:24

and mailed it, it leaves that one day a month

22:26

I prayed for that cause.

22:28

And yet I discovered that if I care

22:30

enough about a cause, the Holy Spirit

22:33

doesn't have to do a lot of work to remind me to pray.

22:35

Uh, but, yeah, no, we we do need to be thinking,

22:38

you know, issues are different and our people using the money.

22:40

Well, let's look at, you know, the research

22:42

about giving and how much of it goes to,

22:44

you know, administration versus, you know,

22:46

real ministry. There are there are questions we can be asking.

22:48

And why not sit at the dining room table and

22:50

show our kids how we how we think that through, how we

22:52

pray that through and why we do what we do.

22:55

I agree.

22:56

I think it's so important that we

22:58

have let the children be a part of

23:00

that part of our lives. And

23:03

I don't know why the parents,

23:05

many parents have not done that, and they

23:07

don't have that concept for some reason. But

23:10

if they're going to if the children are going to grow up to have

23:12

generosity in a in a heart of generosity,

23:15

they're far more likely to do so

23:17

if they've if they've seen their what

23:19

their parents have done, you know, in this area.

23:21

So yeah.

23:22

And if they've seen the benefit of what their parents

23:24

have done. So again, to talk a lot

23:26

about the cause effect nature of what we're

23:28

doing, the people listening don't know that

23:30

generosity is actually the 13th

23:32

of the baker's dozen qualities. I wanted

23:34

an even dozen because it's just nice, right?

23:36

And I couldn't fight the fact, though,

23:39

that generosity had to be on the list. I

23:41

was stunned when I did the research

23:43

of how generosity causes

23:45

so many other beautiful qualities

23:47

service, compassion, gratefulness,

23:50

and so many other things. So generosity is not

23:52

just, again, money. It's time, talent,

23:54

resources. And then, of course, the money

23:56

is part of the resource.

23:58

I think the answer to your question, Gary,

24:00

of why don't parents do this?

24:03

There is a certain sense of,

24:05

well, if I tell my kids, you know, all

24:07

of this, uh, it will feel

24:09

like tooting our own horn or my own

24:11

horn as parents. And we want to be

24:13

humble. And so we don't

24:15

want to boast about all the

24:17

things, you know, all the money that we're giving.

24:20

But I agree with you that

24:22

if they if they're kept in the dark about

24:24

this or even kept in the dark about,

24:26

you know, the monthly budget, about how much it

24:28

costs for this, not to overburden

24:30

them with it. But, you know, they're part

24:33

of a team that is is working

24:35

in a family system together.

24:38

I think there's a there's a humility

24:40

angle to that, not letting them

24:42

in that we need to get over.

24:44

Yeah.

24:45

Yeah, that may be true grace. It

24:47

may be true. But I do think we need to get over it. Okay.

24:51

All right.

24:52

I love it.

24:53

Our program is building relationships

24:55

with Doctor Gary Chapman. You can find

24:57

more simple ways to strengthen your relationships

25:00

at Building Relationships US.

25:02

Our featured resource today is the book

25:04

by Doctor Kathy Cook. Parent differently.

25:07

Find out more at Building Relationships

25:09

US Doctor Cook.

25:11

How can parents better understand

25:14

what determines their children's

25:16

choices?

25:18

First, I would say we need to think more about

25:20

what determines our choices. When we

25:22

become more aware of why we behave

25:24

the way we behave, we can better

25:26

predict why our children might be doing

25:28

what they're doing, and we'll begin to see the

25:31

relationship between beliefs,

25:34

the choices, and the outcome. And then

25:36

the other thing that we do is we observe better.

25:38

We we hang out, we put our phones down,

25:41

we look with, um,

25:43

an intensity. We listen with an intensity to

25:45

understand, not to judge, but to understand.

25:48

And then we we try to get under the surface.

25:50

Right. And was it jealousy? I've

25:52

decided, by the way, in my work that jealousy

25:54

is just huge in the home. Sibling

25:57

rivalry, um, disagreements

25:59

with parents, so much of it is jealousy. So

26:01

there might be in your kids just 3 or

26:03

4 things they can't get over the thorn

26:05

in the side, if you will, the sin temptation

26:07

that is really, really hard for them. So look for

26:09

the pattern, look for some consistency

26:12

and then and then talk about it.

26:14

Talk about it is uh, something

26:16

again that I think sometimes parents draw

26:18

back from. But the reality is, if

26:20

we don't discuss these things with the kids,

26:23

we don't have any influence if we're not

26:26

talking about it.

26:26

Right.

26:27

They can't read our minds.

26:30

Amen. I was just about to say that

26:32

they they can observe, but they can't interpret

26:35

it. Yeah. So they can observe

26:37

what we're doing. Maybe if they care

26:39

enough about us. And that's a big if in some families,

26:41

sadly, but they can't interpret

26:43

what was going on in us that caused

26:45

us to do what we did the way that we

26:47

did it. So we do have to talk. And I think

26:49

you earn that right when you listen to them

26:52

and you earn that right when you don't lecture. I'm

26:54

not. We're not talking about a long lecture. We're talking about

26:56

sound bites. Hey, Billy, did you notice what

26:58

I did? Let me tell you why. You know, our neighbor

27:00

just had knee surgery. I'm not sure you knew that. So that's

27:02

why I went and rake leaves. He didn't ask

27:05

me to. He didn't have to ask me to. I knew that it was a loving

27:07

thing to do. And I had time. And it

27:09

was fun. I love the fresh air. No problem.

27:12

Yeah, yeah.

27:13

Well, there's no question that decision making

27:16

is a huge part of a child's. Hearing.

27:20

And all of us as parents, are concerned

27:22

about whether our children make wise

27:24

decisions. How

27:26

can parents help their

27:28

children feel safe enough

27:30

to talk about or ask

27:33

help in terms of making decisions?

27:36

Uh, because I have I run in

27:38

a lot of parents who say, you know,

27:40

I don't want to tell them everything they

27:42

should do, you know? And I don't want to force

27:45

them to make decisions that are not their

27:47

decisions. I want to and

27:49

that's that's a worthy goal. I mean, we don't want

27:51

to, you know, we want them to be to

27:53

learn how to make wise decisions for

27:55

themselves. But what what light

27:57

can you shed on that topic?

27:59

Right. So important. You know, one

28:01

of the hard things for parents is to let kids make

28:03

foolish decisions and suffer the consequences of

28:05

their foolishness. No, I'm not saying

28:07

let them run out into the road. Obviously they'll stop. Yeah,

28:10

but when you see that your child has

28:12

forgotten a lunch like it's. He walked right by

28:14

it and it's a red lunchbox, it should not be hard

28:16

to see. And it's right on the breakfast bar. But he walked right

28:18

past it. Don't always rescue him and say,

28:20

hey, get your lunch. Sometimes

28:23

let him suffer the consequences of his

28:25

inattentive choice. Right.

28:27

And then another thing that we do again,

28:30

I think we admit our struggles. We admit

28:32

that we made decisions that were not wise,

28:34

and that gives our kids a chance to

28:36

find out. How do we know it was unwise and

28:38

what were the consequences? And what are we going to do differently

28:41

the next time? And basically,

28:43

you know, to be present and available, no

28:45

child is. Kids tell me all the time, I'm not going

28:47

to go talk to my mom if her phone's in the hand, if

28:50

she has her phone, as soon as it buzzes or bings

28:52

or things are ringing, she's gone. And so,

28:54

Doctor Cathy, I'm not going to have a hard conversation and

28:56

have to start it over. So if you want

28:58

your kids to come to you and say, you know, I found out

29:00

this kid was gossiping about me and mommy, I don't

29:02

know what to do. Your daughter is not going to come to

29:04

you and ask for help in that, you know. She

29:06

feels that you won't understand, that you won't have compassion,

29:09

and that you won't be available to long enough to

29:11

problem solve. And yeah,

29:13

we could talk all day about it. It's so important.

29:16

Yeah. I mean, you the whole

29:18

thing about the phone and

29:20

then interrupting your conversation

29:22

with a child because your phone rang. Uh,

29:26

I mean, it's just commonplace in so

29:28

many families, you know, and

29:30

they fail to recognize that what they're communicating

29:33

is somebody out there that you don't know is more

29:35

important than you are, you know?

29:37

Oh, exactly.

29:39

Use voicemail. Okay.

29:40

Let it go. Let it go. Yeah.

29:43

No, it's it's very hurtful.

29:45

And children tell us that

29:47

they're not able to say that to mom. They're not able

29:49

to say mom like they're afraid

29:51

to say I was hurt when you answered the phone.

29:54

Um, yeah, I know, voicemail.

29:57

And if they don't want to leave a message, then tough.

29:59

And there's texting, you know, and I

30:01

have I've actually started recommending that parents put

30:03

their phone in airplane mode. You know,

30:05

if you've never flown, you don't know what that is. But airplane mode

30:07

you won't get you won't get any vibration at all.

30:10

You won't have any clue that anything is going on.

30:12

If your phone is on silent, you can still

30:14

realize that something just happened and you

30:16

glance over at it. And as soon as you do that, your

30:18

sons and daughters are thinking, yeah, she doesn't really

30:21

care. And that's not what you mean to communicate.

30:23

You know, no parent means to communicate that,

30:25

but it's the child's perception

30:27

that is what's so rich and important

30:29

here.

30:31

Now you write that character traits

30:33

are connected. That is, various

30:35

character traits are connected, and

30:37

that understanding this is a key

30:40

to teaching character traits.

30:42

Can you explain that a bit?

30:44

I would love to. It's one of the reasons that I have

30:47

quote unquote, only 48 qualities

30:49

rather than 120, because I

30:51

realized that if you teach one

30:54

and you teach it in a broader context, you

30:56

can actually be teaching 3 or 4 at the same time

30:58

as an example. And I discovered

31:00

this when I was writing the book I love to read, because it helps

31:02

me think I was in line to get on

31:04

a plane in an airport. Long story. I won't go into it all, but

31:06

I was patient. The people around me weren't. And this isn't

31:08

about me being amazing. There's plenty of days I'm impatient,

31:11

but on this particular day I was

31:13

able to exhibit the quality of patience, and

31:15

I and I finally got onto the airplane after

31:17

quite a messy situation. And I'm like, why was

31:19

I able to do that? Like I said, thank you. I didn't,

31:22

you know, gripe at the people. Well, I realized

31:24

that my patience was founded upon

31:26

my other centeredness. I

31:28

care more about others than I do myself. Compassion.

31:32

So I was compassionate for the

31:34

woman who was checking us in for our flight.

31:37

Optimism, where I have

31:39

a tendency to think well for people before I would

31:41

think badly, and humility

31:43

and flexibility or

31:45

flexibility. Is top 48 like being able

31:47

to, you know, not have to be in control

31:50

to not argue and debate every time there's a change of plans.

31:52

So if you rather than, you know,

31:54

be patient, be patient. Why aren't you more patient?

31:56

I wonder if it would be beneficial to talk about,

31:59

you know, if you would have compassion for your grandmother.

32:01

Her neighbor just fell and broke her hip. So grandma

32:03

is scared now to walk. And when you run

32:05

around, she gets nervous and you'll notice

32:07

that she kind of freezes. I wonder if you held

32:09

her hand and walked with her instead of in front

32:12

of her, and walk slowly with her. That would. Oh,

32:14

that would be so loving. And that would demonstrate

32:16

compassion for the fear that your grandmother has.

32:18

Could you do that for us? Those

32:21

kinds of conversations connect beliefs

32:23

to behavior and show them

32:25

how the character qualities are connected.

32:27

And they honor God and they glorify God. And

32:29

that's, you know, that's the bottom line. So I hope that makes

32:32

sense.

32:33

Yeah. I don't know that I have thought in

32:35

terms of that myself, to be honest with you,

32:37

because I typically tend to see these

32:39

traits is just isolated things. But

32:41

in reality, what you're saying is true.

32:43

They're not isolated, they're

32:45

tied together and one impacts the

32:47

other. So that's going to help

32:49

me the next time I'm in the airport. Asked myself,

32:52

I love it was I why was I patient.

32:54

I love it, why was it not patient?

32:56

Why was I not patient?

32:57

Yeah.

33:00

Well, when identifying positive

33:02

character traits, uh, to

33:04

develop in the, in our children,

33:06

why is it important to also identify

33:09

and talk about their negative

33:11

traits?

33:12

I think sometimes the negative is easier

33:15

to see. So our parents are frustrated

33:17

by their kids being rude and inattentive

33:19

and disagreeable and dishonest. So the

33:21

negative is easy to see. We talk about it.

33:23

Don't be dishonest. But

33:26

the change process from Ephesians 422

33:28

through 24 would teach us

33:30

that we have to take off the old self

33:32

and put on the new self. So

33:34

if you want a child to become honest, they have to take

33:37

off dishonesty. If you want a child to become

33:39

agreeable, they have to take off the disagreeable

33:41

spirit. So I think it's beneficial

33:44

for a parent to see the connection and

33:46

to decide what to talk about. And I would like us

33:48

to talk more about what we want than what we

33:50

currently have. So you talk

33:52

about being agreeable rather than don't be so disagreeable,

33:55

so use the word that you want

33:57

your children to exhibit because they become

33:59

who we say they are. But

34:01

when we know as parents, educators and grandparents

34:03

that there's a negative we're trying to overcome.

34:06

I think it trains us to talk differently

34:09

and it gives kids hope. I've watched

34:11

families, you know, take a whiteboard and make a make

34:13

a list. I'm going to take off this and put on this. I'm going

34:15

to take off this and put on this. So in the

34:17

back of the book, the appendix that I have

34:19

for each of the 48 qualities, I actually list

34:21

4 or 5 negatives for each

34:23

of the positives. And our readers have

34:25

found that really helpful to go there and go, okay, I'm

34:27

really bugged by this behavior. What's

34:29

the opposite? Because you know what, Doctor Chapman?

34:32

Sometimes parents are so

34:34

tired, right? And they're so sick of their kids behavior.

34:36

Like, I get that, that all they see

34:38

is the red flag. All they see is what?

34:40

They're driving me nuts. So we

34:42

need to. We need to think. No, no, no, what would

34:44

be the opposite? And then how can I make that happen? Through

34:46

the Gloria. Right.

34:48

Yeah. I want to go back to the you mentioned the

34:50

lying because this is a common

34:52

factor in, in raising children

34:55

that children do lie and sometimes

34:57

just bald faced lie. Uh,

35:00

how does the parent respond to that?

35:04

Well, with grace and mercy,

35:06

because we've all done it with a belief

35:08

that our kids aren't bad. There's something triggering

35:10

the decision fear they're going to get caught.

35:12

They have an expectation for themselves that isn't

35:14

realistic, but they can't believe that they're wrong

35:16

about themselves. You know, dad's

35:18

going to get mad. Whatever. And the consequent,

35:21

the consequences are so important. So if children

35:23

lie, a consequence is we check

35:25

up on them. So if your son

35:27

comes home from the neighbor after playing a while,

35:29

you call the neighbor, well, mommy, what are

35:31

you doing? Well, I'm calling Miss Jane

35:33

to find out how if you behaved. Okay, well, mommy,

35:36

I just told you that I was good. Yes,

35:38

but yesterday you didn't tell me

35:40

the truth. So the consequence for your

35:42

choice to lie is that I make a

35:44

choice to call and check up on you. So

35:47

this is. This is what happens when we

35:49

catch you, you know, with a pattern

35:51

of behavior that concerns us. We're going

35:53

to check up. And once we find out that you are telling

35:55

us the truth again, you know, we'll stop checking

35:57

up on you. But I think one of the things that's

35:59

very, very important is to let

36:02

them know there are consequences for their decisions,

36:04

good consequences with good

36:06

character choices and negative

36:08

consequences when when they mess up, if

36:10

I can put it that way.

36:13

This is building relationships with

36:15

Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York

36:17

Times bestseller The Five Love Languages.

36:20

Our guest is Doctor Cathy Cook,

36:22

author of Parent Differently. It's

36:25

our featured resource at Building Relationships.

36:27

Us just go to building relationships

36:30

with us.

36:31

Doctor cook, we were talking about this somewhat in

36:33

the last segment, but let's let's

36:36

talk further on this whole issue of in

36:38

what ways do positive and negative

36:40

consequences build

36:43

biblical character in children?

36:45

Right, right. I believe that

36:48

all character starts with choice.

36:51

All choices are rooted in a worldview, which is why

36:53

a Christian worldview is so important.

36:55

So when we have

36:58

positive and negative consequences in place,

37:00

like we don't get in the way of the wave that don't always

37:02

rescue your kids, let them suffer the consequences

37:05

of their choices. Then they

37:07

begin to understand, oh, this

37:09

is why mommy said, be kind. This

37:11

is why mommy said, don't gossip. This is why

37:13

mommy said generosity is beautiful. Oh,

37:15

this is why dad said he likes that I'm resilient.

37:18

He said that he likes that I'm not giving up and I'm

37:20

trying more. And look, I did better

37:22

today. So daddy was right. That resiliency

37:24

is a good thing. So we talk

37:27

about the cause effect nature.

37:29

Again they don't necessarily

37:31

think that way. We can help them

37:33

think that way. A true example

37:35

was a dad who heard me speak about this. Who?

37:38

Forgot to turn in a report at work, and

37:41

the supervisor knocked on the door an hour after

37:43

it was due and said, hey, you

37:45

know Ben, where's the report? And so the dad

37:47

came home and said to his kids, man, I

37:49

got to tell you guys I had a bad day at work. I

37:52

chose to do what I wanted to do at work rather than

37:54

what my boss told me to do. I know you

37:56

guys have sometimes done that too, and

37:58

I didn't get the report done that he needed. So I'm not

38:00

going to get to go to your soccer game tonight. And I'm so

38:02

sorry. I've got to stay home and get this thing done.

38:04

And I'm going to have to build trust.

38:07

My boss doesn't trust me. I'm going to have to rebuild trust.

38:09

He's probably going to doubt whether or not I'll do something

38:11

right. So one of the things I did kids

38:13

was I went into my calendar and I've already outlined

38:16

that every Tuesday at 2:00 the report

38:18

is due. So that's now highlighted in my calendar,

38:20

hoping that that's going to help me not make the

38:22

same mistake. So we

38:24

talk about the consequences

38:27

that we've experienced

38:29

in hopes that our kids will begin to

38:31

put two and two together and get four.

38:33

Yeah, yeah, I think it's important

38:35

also, and I know you do in terms

38:37

of when you have a rule for children,

38:40

tell them what the consequences will be if

38:42

they break the rule so they know

38:44

and you know, what's going to happen. You know,

38:47

I remember my son, he had a

38:49

relatively new bicycle. And I said,

38:51

now let's let's have one rule here

38:53

every night before, you

38:55

know, you come in and

38:58

we get ready for bed and all of that, you put

39:00

your bicycle in the shed and

39:03

and if you don't, if you leave it out one

39:05

night, then the consequences are

39:07

you do not get to ride the bicycle the next

39:09

day. Uh, is that is that okay

39:11

with you? Well, you know, yeah. He thought that was fair,

39:13

and I thought that was fair. So I remember

39:16

the first time it happened. And

39:18

so I said to him, I said, oh, Derek,

39:20

I said, I noticed you left your bicycle

39:23

out last night. And I said, you

39:25

remember the consequences, right? You

39:27

don't get to ride the bicycle today. He's

39:29

all dead. But all the guys are going to be riding

39:31

this afternoon. Dad let me ride the day, dad,

39:34

and not tomorrow.

39:36

Mom and I said, you know, son, I

39:38

can see how you'd feel that way. Because

39:41

if you're if your kids, if your friends want to ride,

39:43

you'd want to ride with them. And if I were in your shoes, I'd

39:45

feel the same way. But remember, we

39:48

we agreed on the consequences. So.

39:50

I'm sorry, but I can't let you ride the bicycle

39:53

today because, you know, you

39:55

broke the rule. Well, he wasn't

39:57

happy, but he never did it again.

40:00

He never did it again. Amen.

40:02

So I think if parents can get that concept

40:04

that, you know, let them suffer

40:07

the consequence, we tend to kind of cave

40:09

in if they cry, you know, or

40:12

yes, we should be empathetic,

40:14

you.

40:14

Know, but.

40:15

But let them suffer the consequences. Yeah.

40:17

It's the way we learn. Oh, goodness.

40:19

No parent wants their kids to be miserable,

40:21

but it's a short misery for greater

40:23

gain. So there's two things in your example

40:25

that I just want to highlight that I think are so important.

40:27

When you have a child say, I agree. You

40:29

know, when you say that, you know, every night the

40:32

bike goes in the shed and here's why. You know, it could get

40:34

stolen, the weather could, you know, make it rusty,

40:36

whatever. Here's the reason. And and so

40:38

you've agreed and you have your son say,

40:40

I agree. And you teach your kids

40:42

that their word matters. Jesus is the word.

40:44

His word matters. Our words matter. We become

40:47

who we say we are. So I

40:49

agree, dad. And now then the next

40:51

day. Because I know you agreed. So don't tell

40:53

me that you didn't understand. And

40:55

then the other thing is, when you say, you

40:57

know, you say, no, no, I understand that you're hurt,

40:59

that you can't ride the bike. But the answer is no.

41:02

This is where parents and I don't envy

41:04

them. This doctor Chapman, do you have

41:06

to let your know be known and you let you.

41:08

And then you. Maybe you distract the kid and you say, hey,

41:10

why don't you. Why don't you sit and, you know,

41:12

shoot or why don't you shoot hoops or, you

41:14

know, do you want to come in and work on the jigsaw puzzle, or do

41:16

you want to go walking like show them

41:19

that there's alternatives, but let them let

41:21

them suffer the consequences of their decision. You are

41:23

not a mean dad and your kid is not a bad

41:25

kid. Something happened there.

41:27

Love that example. Yeah.

41:30

Well, you know, we talked briefly about,

41:32

uh, the whole biblical concept of

41:34

children. What did Jesus believe about

41:37

children and why is that important?

41:40

Uh, for parents of children

41:42

to understand.

41:43

Yeah, I love this. It is part of biblical

41:46

character is to really get in touch with,

41:48

uh, Jesus's beliefs. You know,

41:50

back when Jesus was on earth, he really

41:52

was here for a while. Uh, children were the forgotten

41:55

generation. They were, you know, swept behind

41:57

mama's skirts, if you will. They weren't seen

41:59

or talked to until they matured. And yet,

42:01

when the learned men, you know, said, who

42:03

among us is the greatest? Jesus

42:05

called up a child, and I and

42:07

Doctor Chapman, I can just picture the man mumbling. Did he

42:09

hear the question? Right? You know. Oh,

42:12

who among us is the greatest who calls up a kid,

42:14

you know? And when the learned men were trying to keep

42:16

the the children away from Jesus because

42:18

they felt Jesus, you know, didn't have time, he was so

42:20

important. Jesus said, let the little

42:22

children come to me. And so

42:25

Jesus, who was busier than

42:27

will ever be with the more important agenda than will ever

42:29

have, took time for children and

42:31

in front of adults celebrated them. That's

42:33

where the name Celebrity Kids comes from. So

42:35

he believed they were special and precious

42:37

and important and wanted

42:39

and significant and good examples and

42:42

capable of of knowing him and worshiping

42:44

him and so much else. So when

42:46

we are discouraged by our children's choices, and that's

42:48

going to happen because children are children and we

42:50

are imperfect parents, let's get in

42:52

touch with, hey, this is what Jesus

42:55

wants me to believe. These children are precious

42:57

in his sight, if not in my sight

42:59

today. You know they're precious in his sight.

43:02

And I think it's a fun study

43:04

of Scripture to look at the different

43:06

interactions that Jesus had with kids. And what conclusions

43:08

can you draw about his beliefs because his beliefs

43:11

cause those behaviors

43:13

so important?

43:15

Well, let's as we come to a close

43:17

today, uh, let me ask this.

43:19

What if there's a parent listening today

43:22

whose teenager has rebelled?

43:24

They're out of control, and

43:26

the parents really tried

43:29

their best to do everything that

43:31

the things that we're talking about today. What

43:34

would you say to that parent?

43:35

Oh, way to end on an.

43:37

Easy note, Doctor Chapman. I

43:40

would say don't give up. You can't give

43:42

up. These are your kids or this is your son or daughter.

43:44

So I would ask that you

43:47

make sure you surround yourself with

43:50

God's presence and the presence of his people,

43:52

who will build you up and encourage you and,

43:54

um, be in the Word of God, which is strength

43:57

and life to you, the daily bread that you

43:59

need in order to have the compassion

44:01

and the love and the strength that you need in order to

44:03

continually talk with and

44:06

and deal with a rebellious kid. I

44:08

pray and pray expecting

44:10

pray regularly and pray expecting

44:12

that God is on your side and is going

44:15

to make a way. And I think

44:17

I would. I would respectfully ask you to consider

44:19

whether or not you have done everything we've

44:21

talked about. Kids tell me,

44:23

you know, my parents do a lot of telling. They

44:25

don't really do a lot of teaching. Let me say that

44:28

we drill and skill the ABCs

44:30

and the one, two, three and we state

44:33

a rule and expect compliance.

44:35

But because of sin, character

44:37

and obedience are harder to teach than anything else.

44:40

And and that's why our example matters so

44:42

much. And that's why direct instruction. Good

44:44

old fashioned, this is the way we

44:46

do it, not to this way. It's really important.

44:48

And I would say that we can

44:51

say to some kids, some rebellious

44:53

kids, some kids who are not walking well with us,

44:55

we can we can explain that.

44:57

We know we've let you down with, you know, the

44:59

lack of of hope here. We

45:01

really want to start with a fresh slate. Could we

45:03

do that on January 1st? Can we do that on February

45:05

1st? Could we do that tomorrow? Could we wake up tomorrow

45:08

and could it be a new day? And

45:11

could you give us a fresh start?

45:13

As we're learning, we're still learning to parent.

45:15

And would you give yourself a fresh start

45:17

and stop looking back at

45:19

the harm and at the the frustration?

45:22

So that's what's on my heart.

45:24

Give yourself grace and mercy and and

45:26

and all those things.

45:28

I think that's so important. And the reality

45:31

is, you know, we're

45:33

not responsible for our own, especially

45:36

our older children's things that

45:38

they do or don't do. Uh,

45:40

but but we should, but

45:42

we shouldn't take that on as a burden

45:44

that I have failed. Uh,

45:47

yes. I think we should ask God.

45:49

Lord, show me where I have failed.

45:51

And yes, confess that to God. And then,

45:53

as you just described, confess it to the child

45:57

and ask for a fresh start. Having

45:59

done that, then I think

46:01

what we want to do is try to let our behavior

46:03

be different after that, because that's what if

46:06

the child is still in the it's still at home. They're

46:08

looking for a change in your behavior, if indeed

46:11

you know you've been part of the problem.

46:13

Well, let me, uh, not

46:16

only thank you for being with us today, Doctor

46:18

Cook, but also, uh, for

46:20

this book, because I think, like

46:22

all of your books, they're very, very practical.

46:24

And I think the parents who are listening,

46:26

we all want our children to have godly,

46:29

biblical. Your character,

46:31

and this book spells it out

46:33

in a way that I think is going to be very, very

46:35

helpful to parents. So thanks

46:37

again for writing it and thanks for being with us.

46:40

Thank you for your affirmation. It's always a joy

46:43

to spend time with you. I appreciate you a lot.

46:45

There's a lot of hope here. The title of Doctor

46:47

Kathy Cook's latest is Parent differently

46:50

raised Kids with Biblical Character

46:52

that changes culture. We have

46:54

at length at our website building relationships

46:57

us again go to building relationships.us.

47:01

And next week I'm going to take your

47:03

calls and questions about the love,

47:05

languages and relationship struggles.

47:08

Don't miss our January edition of

47:10

Dear Gary. In one week. Our

47:12

thanks to Janice backing and Steve Wick for

47:15

their work behind the scenes. Building

47:17

relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman

47:19

is a production of Moody Radio in

47:21

association with Moody Publishers, a

47:23

ministry of Moody Bible Institute.

47:25

Thanks for listening.