0:00

Welcome back , guys , to the Butterfly Season podcast

0:02

where we celebrate the beauty and the transformation . I

0:04

am your host , aisha Marshall , and we are going

0:06

to get into all things the

0:08

Butterfly Season Transformation Journal and

0:11

I just want you guys to pause

0:13

here . If you have not listened to the past three episodes

0:16

, I want to encourage you to go back , because there's

0:18

a lot of meat still

0:20

left on those bones for you to kind of go after

0:22

. We have laid the land for what the journal

0:24

is about . What does it take you from ? And

0:26

two , we've talked about issue spotting

0:28

, we've talked about emotions and now we're

0:30

going to get into unmet need , and I'm afraid

0:33

that if you start here , you might be missing

0:35

out on a lot of hard

0:37

work that will facilitate your own transformation

0:40

. So go back to those episodes , if you haven't , and

0:42

come back here when you're done . So go back to those episodes if you haven't

0:45

, and come back here when you're done . Welcome to the Butterfly

0:47

Season podcast , where we find the

0:49

beauty in the cocoon season . You

0:51

know the season we have to go through

0:53

before we live life fully in our butterfly season

0:55

. My name is Ayesha Marshall and

0:57

I know a thing or two about cocoon

0:59

season . Here's the thing On paper

1:02

. I had everything I ever wanted Great

1:06

life , thriving business , forbes , 30 under 30 , on the cover of magazines

1:08

. And at the peak of it all , something didn't feel right

1:10

. So I chose to literally

1:13

burn it all to the ground my

1:16

Cocoon Season . I thought

1:18

burning it to the ground would solve all of my problems

1:20

. Turns out that was just the beginning . Cocoon

1:23

season is where our wings are formed in

1:25

the chaos , challenging it , overcoming it

1:27

, re-imagining what life may look

1:30

like . And one of the biggest lessons was

1:32

the growing doesn't stop . Through

1:34

the stories of others , experts in different modalities

1:36

, get ready for the metamorphosis , because

1:38

once you're strong enough to burst out of the cocoon

1:40

, imagine how beautiful your wings

1:43

will be . To

1:45

this point , guys , we've talked about issue spotting and patterns

1:48

and for some of us who know that we have some

1:50

maybe issues that are events

1:53

that we're not quite happy with , we kind of walk

1:55

through how we issue spot some recurring

1:57

patterns in those places . We've talked about it being

1:59

like in types of people or in

2:01

the way you felt or in the way that you've

2:03

acted in those situations

2:05

, even down to

2:08

different , you know , financial situations

2:10

, you name it . So we've kind of issue spotted that

2:12

because when we get to the actual

2:15

issue , the pattern that keeps

2:17

happening . We can tap into

2:20

the feelings that we felt at that time . How

2:22

did we feel ? And then we went through the emotion

2:24

wheel , this big , huge wheel that

2:26

shows like the parent feeling and then the parent's

2:29

parent feeling , right Like your parents

2:31

feeling , and then your grandparents feelings and then your

2:33

feelings . It's like stacked on each other . We

2:35

went through all of that to identify now

2:38

the unmet need . So up

2:40

until this point we have not identified the unmet

2:43

need and the reason why we've

2:45

stacked these things on top of each other is

2:47

because the unmet need is like our

2:50

roots . It is the

2:52

under the table conversation

2:54

that helps us figure out what

2:56

didn't we get at that time . Because

2:59

when we can understand what didn't we get at that

3:01

time like around the villain origin story

3:04

of what , the initial event that happened that

3:06

has created this pattern that we keep reinforcing

3:09

that initial event

3:11

shows us the coping mechanism

3:14

that we employed to make

3:16

ourselves meet that need

3:18

. So we've talked about you

3:21

know this through line story when I was in high school

3:23

and I made the cheer team and I couldn't afford it and

3:25

the unmet need at the

3:27

time was safety . I

3:30

felt unsafe , but I

3:32

didn't have the verbiage to say , mom

3:34

, when you said I couldn't be on the cheer team , I felt unsafe

3:37

, I felt mortified , which is a parent

3:39

feeling of horror which goes into fear , is a parent feeling

3:41

of horror which goes into fear

3:43

. So if I know that fear

3:46

is the parent feeling , fear

3:53

can point me to the unmet need . Now I'm going to go through a list . This is not comprehensive

3:55

, but I'm going to go through a list of unmet needs that fall

3:57

under parent feelings . So we were talking

3:59

about fear , right ? So if any of

4:01

your emotions led to fear

4:04

as a parent feeling , some of the

4:06

unmet needs that could fall under this

4:08

list would be safety , security

4:11

, stability , predictability

4:14

, and so if

4:17

that didn't happen to you , you might

4:19

be craving that and then you implore

4:21

, typically , a coping mechanism that

4:24

you've seen and be implored around

4:26

you to meet that need . So

4:28

an example I felt unsafe

4:31

and I felt unsafe until my mom said

4:33

that I could be on the team , and

4:35

she said I could be on the team because she put it on

4:37

a credit card . So a credit card equals safety

4:39

for me . That was the pattern

4:42

that I created and so anytime

4:44

I'm looking for safety , I outsource

4:46

my safety to debt , debt , debt

4:48

, debt and more debt . Now

4:51

, if your parent

4:53

feeling is anger , some of the unmet

4:55

needs could be respect , autonomy

4:57

, fairness

5:00

, being heard . Maybe the situation

5:02

you , your villain origin story

5:04

was a time where you weren't being heard , and

5:06

so anger is the parent

5:08

feeling and anger might be how it manifests

5:10

in your life . For sadness it could be connection

5:13

, belonging , love and support . Now , this

5:20

list isn't comprehensive , but I just want to paint a picture for you to kind of

5:22

understand what need went unmet , because if we can identify

5:24

the unmet need , then

5:26

we can explore what

5:29

the coping mechanism is . So if

5:31

you haven't already started to see that , I'm laying a

5:33

map for you . We went to the issue

5:35

or the pattern , depending

5:37

upon where you're at in your own journey . Then

5:40

we went to the feeling and we identified

5:42

, like the true feeling , like with the magnifying

5:44

glass , we went through the feeling wheel and identified the

5:46

true true feeling and worked

5:48

our way up to the parent feeling and

5:51

then from the parent feeling we've gone to

5:53

what is the unmet need ? That

5:55

is so important , because the unmet

5:57

need now unlocks the door to

6:00

show you what coping mechanism

6:02

do I activate every

6:05

single time I feel

6:07

fear or unsafety

6:09

or anything that's

6:11

attacking , like if . If I feel , you know , mortified

6:14

by something , or if I feel like my perception

6:17

is being attacked

6:19

, my strategy

6:21

was oh , debt . So

6:23

I can now see oh my gosh

6:25

, every time I feel this feeling , I do

6:28

this thing . This gives you

6:30

the tools to proactively address it

6:32

before you do it Right now , and

6:34

where we've kind of met each other is why

6:36

does this keep happening to me ? Why does this keep

6:38

happening to me ? Why do I meet these people ? Why do I do these

6:40

things ? Now we're at a point

6:42

in our journey where we're like okay , every time

6:44

I feel fear , I do

6:46

do this thing , and now I've

6:49

noticed that over time , the continuous

6:51

repetition of that thing

6:53

is actually creating the very thing that

6:55

I don't want . So I know we've unpacked

6:57

a lot right . We've talked about where

6:59

we're at to this point , and I want to share with you

7:01

how I found my unmet need

7:04

. We've been talking about this like cheerleading

7:06

story for a while , but in relation

7:08

to I don't know if you guys remember I want to say it

7:10

was like two episodes ago or one episode ago

7:13

, where I was talking about how I had so much resistance

7:15

around having children and I couldn't figure out why

7:17

, because I knew that it didn't feel

7:20

like I didn't want children . I knew that that

7:22

wasn't the thing , but there was resistance

7:24

around taking the next steps to do it . There

7:26

was resistance around like

7:28

what life would be like when I did do

7:30

it . I didn't feel like my goals would be

7:33

able to support this thing . I had a lot of excuses

7:35

and , when

7:38

it comes down to it , the initial

7:40

villain origin story was and as a reminder

7:42

, it was that , you know , when my

7:44

mom was a single mom , so it was just the two of us all

7:47

of the time and I felt like

7:49

the treatment that I would get , the reverence

7:51

that I would get when it was just the two of us

7:53

, changed when a

7:56

boyfriend would come around . And it's not that there was

7:58

a bunch of boyfriends in and out , it was just that when

8:00

there was a partner , a long-term partner

8:03

, in the situation , I felt loveless

8:05

. I remember like I always had these feelings

8:07

. I remember when my mom met

8:09

my stepdad and it was the first time that we were

8:11

going to their family for Christmas . I

8:14

was in the car I'm an adult , I

8:16

am college and

8:19

I was crying in the car . I was so

8:21

upset I didn't mean nobody saw that I was crying

8:23

, but I was definitely so

8:26

angry because I felt like

8:28

my mom and I would always do Christmas

8:30

together , and now we have to go to this other family who even

8:32

? Are they Right , like I just felt like

8:35

it's just reinforcing this idea that

8:37

when three people are present , I am loved

8:39

less . All I wanted to do was go to my

8:41

own family's house , and I could have done that , but I just

8:43

sat through the suffering of feeling

8:45

like I'm loved less in this car going

8:47

to this extended family's house . And

8:50

the reason why I share that story with

8:52

you is because , if we go back to that original moment

8:54

when I felt , like you know , when my mom

8:56

had a boyfriend , I had to now sit in the back seat

8:59

how the audacity I

9:01

was six . I have to sit in the backseat with another

9:03

adult present in the car , like I

9:05

made that mean that I felt like I was loved less

9:08

. And so I've been operating on that same programming

9:10

or I've been using that same exact

9:12

map throughout my adult years , and

9:15

it's not serving me . Yeah , it

9:17

might've been serving me to protect myself

9:19

from being hurt back then , or

9:21

that was the only thing I knew how

9:23

to do to meet the need of love

9:26

and belonging at the time is let

9:28

me just keep it with two people , only

9:31

two people . I feel safe with two people

9:33

. Don't bring a third person , because then I feel unsafe

9:35

. That was just something that I the only thing

9:37

that I knew how to do at the time to meet

9:40

the need of safety , of love

9:42

, belonging , right . And

9:44

so it's by exploring that

9:47

resistance around

9:49

the children , this issue that keeps coming up

9:51

over and over . What are the feelings ? When

9:53

did I first feel this way ? Oh , when

9:55

I was a little girl . I felt like I always had

9:58

to like share my mom and

10:00

I didn't like doing that . And so now

10:02

, when it comes to sharing my partner , I

10:04

don't want to do that either . And when

10:07

you realize that I was just doing that because I

10:09

felt that I was loveless , how can I give myself

10:12

the love that I feel like I need and

10:14

am longing for and want , so

10:17

that I can be a great mom

10:19

and be happy by bringing a third

10:21

party , really a child , great

10:25

mom , and be happy by bringing a third party , really a child from love , into this situation and not

10:28

feel like it's at odds with my relationship , and so

10:30

that helps free me from this old

10:32

map that I had been using to keep me

10:34

safe . That is now expired and

10:36

it's not in alignment with the

10:38

butterfly season that I want to live

10:40

in as a mom , as a parent

10:42

and as a wife with a child . So

10:45

I hope you can kind of see the

10:47

through line to like why , understanding

10:49

the pattern , the issues

10:52

, the repeating issues , the feelings , the parent

10:54

feelings , the unmet need , and how all

10:56

of this together has created these like roots

10:59

, and you've been operating off of this old

11:01

stale ass framework and

11:03

it's creating the chaos in your life

11:05

, the very thing that you don't want . So

11:08

I would encourage you

11:11

learn from my

11:13

mistakes , learn from your patterns

11:15

, learn from my patterns . We don't have to repeat the thing

11:17

. We can live life by design . We

11:19

just need the tool to do it , and the Butterfly Season

11:22

Journal is to do just that . So I

11:24

want to give you a gift , which is

11:26

a discount code . If you put in Bseason

11:29

, b-s-z-n when you check

11:31

out , you will get 10% off your first order , so that

11:33

you can free yourself from yourself . Can

11:35

I just say thank you so much for being

11:37

here . It means the world to me that we're growing

11:40

together . So if there's someone that you thought

11:42

of while listening , please share it with them too , and

11:44

when you share it , let them know that they're not on this

11:46

journey alone , but also , if you just

11:48

love this episode , take a screenshot

11:50

, share it on Instagram and tag me at Aisha

11:53

so I can thank you for hanging with me on this journey . Oh

11:55

, and one more thing Don't

12:04

forget to rate and write a review with your favorite takeaway , so this podcast can be

12:06

shared with more people . And before I go

12:08

, I want to thank you again for being

12:12

here .