0:03

Hello, Okay, Hi,

0:06

how are you?

0:07

I'm great, how are you?

0:09

I don't know, I don't know, but

0:12

you know.

0:13

Really I get it. I

0:15

teached middle school, so I

0:18

rarely know how I am.

0:20

Yeah. Yeah,

0:22

yeah, well this is you know, we're getting

0:25

back, getting back, going with the

0:27

podcast here. I'm assuming you saw

0:29

my post on Instagram.

0:31

Yeah I did. Yeah.

0:33

I'm trying to like slowly

0:35

walk right into this animal encounter.

0:38

What happened? Where were you?

0:41

Okay? I was getting

0:44

my camping equipment

0:47

from my old house. And

0:51

this is a small animal. It's not like a big

0:53

scary well it's scary,

0:56

but I picked up

0:58

a bag tote bag and

1:02

I placed the tote bag

1:04

in my car, and just

1:06

as I placed it in my car, a mouse

1:08

ran out, and

1:13

there were there was evidence that

1:16

it was living there, Like I

1:18

had some suckers in the back, and

1:20

like there were papers that were chewed up

1:22

and everything. So I

1:26

knew that I was living with a mouse,

1:29

like it was driving around with me.

1:33

But this is where it takes a dark

1:35

churns.

1:38

So yesterday I

1:41

grabbed I have one of those lenders

1:44

that you make a smoothie

1:46

and like the smoothie cup, you

1:49

just take that with you, and there's

1:51

a cap on it and the

1:53

cap had.

1:54

A little hole.

1:55

Well, I brought the smoothie cup in

1:58

to my house and

2:00

I was going to rinse it out

2:02

in the sink, and the dead

2:05

mouse plopped into

2:07

my sink.

2:12

So that's uncactually traumatic,

2:14

that is unfortunate. You know. I had a similar

2:16

thing in Joshua

2:19

Tree.

2:20

Really. Yeah.

2:21

We had like some sort of picture of liquid

2:23

outside of the place

2:25

and a mouse was drowned in it in the

2:27

morning.

2:28

Yeah, I mean, like I felt bad same,

2:31

but the mouse drown in my

2:34

like it wasn't my care, but still

2:36

like it was because of me because

2:39

I left my smoothie cup there. I'm also

2:41

very glad that the mouse no longer lives in

2:43

my car.

2:44

Not to not to play a mouse's advocate,

2:46

but not only did you have to smoothie, you've also

2:49

had lollipops. It's almost

2:51

as if you were creating a

2:53

mouse habitat intentionally.

2:57

I thought you were saying, you know, mice chew wires

2:59

and cars is because people do really struggle

3:01

with that.

3:02

It's right, no, I know, And

3:04

that was one thing I was worried about with

3:06

it living in there. You

3:09

know, I teach, Like I said, I teach middle

3:11

school, and so the lollipops were in

3:13

there because I needed to take them into

3:15

this.

3:15

There's no excuse for that. Now, I'm just kidding. The

3:19

crazy thing is, like, can

3:21

you imagine a mouse eating a lollipop? That

3:23

has to be so cute?

3:25

I don't think mys are cute?

3:28

Was it a dumb dumb I want to imagine

3:30

a tiny lollipop?

3:33

It was a dumb dumb all. No,

3:38

you are painting a nice picture. Like,

3:40

I see what you're saying. I actually have

3:42

other animal encounters now that I

3:45

am untacking this a little bit.

3:47

Yeah, this is what happens, you recover

3:49

more memories.

3:51

Yeah, well, I actually have a

3:53

red tailed hawk that lives in my backyard

3:56

in a cage because I hunt with it, and

3:58

so I I am around

4:00

mice a lot because

4:03

like, I'll feed them mice, feed

4:06

her mice, but

4:10

like I don't handle live ones

4:13

so much.

4:14

So you're feeding dead mice. So did

4:16

you feed that one dead mouse to your eagle?

4:19

No?

4:19

No, I actually like made some gagging

4:22

noises and asked

4:25

my son to dispose of it. Yeah,

4:28

Like, I don't know why that one traumatized

4:31

me, but like I go in my deep praise

4:33

and grab a mouse and take it.

4:35

I need to back up, though, I need to back up.

4:38

What do you hunt? And with what you hunt?

4:41

What with hawks?

4:43

I have? It's have you have

4:46

you ever heard of falconry?

4:48

Yes?

4:50

Okay, so I I do that.

4:52

That's cool, and

4:54

we hunt. I hunt for

4:57

rabbits and squirrels with

4:59

her, her, and then I just feed them

5:02

to her. I don't eat any

5:04

of that stuff.

5:05

So what's in it for you?

5:09

I'm sorry?

5:10

What's what's in that for you?

5:13

It's like having a wild

5:16

animal fly up to you

5:18

and like gently land on your hands

5:22

is amazing.

5:23

But with like a dead rabbit, it.

5:26

Doesn't bring it back to you. You have to go and

5:28

find it.

5:29

You have to like trek through the mountains

5:31

where it left it. Do other animals ever steal

5:34

it? H?

5:35

No, they don't. Like everybody's

5:38

scared of hawks, so

5:41

they tend to stay

5:44

away from Like

5:46

it happens in a matter of like minutes.

5:49

Is a wait? Is a hawk

5:51

the same as a falcon?

5:52

Now?

5:52

I'm confused?

5:54

No, they're not the same. I mean they're they're

5:57

both birds of prey for sure,

6:00

But I

6:03

don't have all the scientific knowledge,

6:05

but to sound.

6:08

That's some hotels use

6:11

my falcons to get rid of seagulls

6:14

and things like that.

6:15

Yeah, no, that's yeah a batement.

6:18

People, they get falcons get

6:21

other birds. I don't want to I don't want

6:23

to talk like I know what I'm I don't want

6:25

to say anything because okay,

6:28

bye, I don't know. I don't know,

6:34

I don't I don't know enough.

6:37

Well, listen, thank you for your call. Good luck

6:39

killing animals with other animals.

6:42

It sounds like a peaceful life, and hopefully

6:45

we'll speak again in the future. Okay,

6:48

thank you, all

6:52

right, Hello.

6:58

Hello, Hi, Hi,

7:01

how are you? I'm good?

7:03

How are you? I can't believe I got through.

7:05

I can't either. Now your name

7:07

is popping up as c Vivian.

7:10

Very yeah, it's giving

7:12

me like a lady in a velvet dress,

7:15

and you know, it's.

7:15

Like very dramasticactly. Yeah,

7:18

you've got it all right, exactly?

7:19

Okay. Cool. So you're calling, presumably

7:22

because you've been in some type

7:24

of wild animal encounter.

7:28

Yes, what happened?

7:29

Where was it? How did you feel?

7:32

What was the insane conclusion?

7:36

I feel like I don't know if this really

7:38

counts as totally going awry,

7:40

but I did end up accidentally snorkeling

7:42

with a great white shark.

7:43

A few years ago.

7:48

Okay, so you were snorkeling. At what

7:50

point did you realize that there had been

7:53

great white sharks?

7:55

Well, I was snorkeling around and

7:58

I had a group, but I had kind of swam

8:00

away from them, and there were little reef sharks

8:03

everywhere. There were kind of smaller sharks, you know, they

8:05

kind of a long, slender body. And I

8:07

was looking out kind of into the distance. It's tough to judge

8:09

distance when you're underwater like that. I don't know if you've

8:11

been snarkling, but it was new for me, and

8:14

a little bit this huge shape

8:16

came like came in front

8:18

of me, just kind of passed right in front of me, and

8:21

I thought for a minute, I was really confused about the distance,

8:24

and I couldn't quite understand what I was seeing

8:26

because it.

8:27

Was so dark.

8:29

But it looked like it was definitely a shark,

8:31

and it looked so different from the other sharks

8:33

i'd seen because it had this huge like barrel

8:35

chest barrel as

8:38

it yeah, like, yeah, it

8:40

has like a really big chest like the other

8:42

sharks are much more splendor, looking okay,

8:44

And so as it passed me by, I realized

8:47

it was actually really close to me and that

8:49

it was like about twenty feet long, and

8:51

we were like near the surface, but

8:53

its skin wasn't above the surface. And

8:56

I kept thinking my brain was like, this isn't

8:58

happening, Like it's not a great white

9:00

chart because it's not white. But the thing

9:02

is, when you're like on level with them, they're

9:05

just dark prey. You know, you only see

9:07

the white if you're underneath them. So it

9:09

was like this big, huge, dark gray

9:11

shark that passed in front of me, and

9:13

then as it turned away, it like swam

9:15

in the opposite direction from me, and it moved its

9:17

fins really slowly, but it disappeared

9:20

really fast.

9:21

That's what they learned afterwards, is.

9:23

Like the way that it works underwater, Like

9:25

the larger the object, the flower of the fins.

9:27

Have to move.

9:28

Weird. Creepy, all of it. Creepy.

9:30

I mean, I've been watching a lot of docuseries

9:33

about horrible things happening to

9:35

people, and one

9:38

of them is called I Was Prey. I mean,

9:40

I'm gonna say I

9:42

wish I was hosting I Was

9:44

Pray because there's a lot I would like to ask

9:47

people that is not happening, and there's very

9:49

slow reaction videos and things, I mean, just

9:51

reenactments and stuff, so

9:54

I can't. While I cannot fully endorse the

9:56

show, I was pray. I think it was on there

9:58

that someone was talking

10:00

about being attacked by a great way,

10:02

and it's like they describe it as just being hit

10:04

by a wall out of nowhere, you know,

10:07

which it also, Yeah, it syncs

10:09

up with what you're saying. Sounds like you're

10:11

lucky to be alive.

10:13

I really feel like I am. It actually

10:15

took me a really long time to accept what it happened,

10:19

because I just couldn't. I don't know. I'm

10:21

glad that I didn't really realize

10:23

it right away because

10:27

if it had, if I had realized it in the moment, I would have started

10:29

thrashing around, you know, so like it might

10:31

have cast the shark's attention. But

10:34

yeah, I do feel really lucky that I didn't have to actually

10:36

like face it head on or get

10:38

chopped.

10:40

Yeah, that's that's terrifying.

10:45

Well, listen, we're glad you're

10:47

with us. Okay, do you still Snorkele?

10:51

I don't have the opportunity to where I live.

10:53

So no, I haven't since then, but would you.

10:57

I absolutely would yes.

10:58

Wow, so you have not learned your lesson?

11:00

Okay, just writing notes for

11:03

your case file. Maybe

11:05

you can call back with an actual attack

11:08

next time. All

11:10

right, okay,

11:16

all right, Well what a journey. Well,

11:19

thank you, Thank you, k

11:22

I t as always, thank

11:26

you, and peace

11:28

peace be with you in peace on earth as well.

11:31

Thank you so much for bringing back the show.

11:32

Oh my gosh, thank you for calling. I

11:36

don't know where my out of time gotta

11:39

go button is. Hello,

11:43

This is Chelsea Peretti. Hi,

11:46

how are you?

11:48

This is Chelsea.

11:49

A name is what.

11:53

I know?

11:53

Crazy?

11:54

Right?

11:56

What Chelsea?

11:58

Do you want to hear my animals for you?

11:59

Yeah?

12:01

When I was a child, a squirrel ran

12:03

into our house and it got in my toilet.

12:08

The drum roll worked perfectly

12:11

with that.

12:13

Oh my god, and.

12:14

My brother screamed like a little girl,

12:17

and he like

12:19

literally ran out of the house and didn't se him for hours.

12:21

He was very scared.

12:23

So what happened to the squirrel?

12:25

I'm less concerned about your.

12:26

Brother, so fair and

12:29

and as you should be. My mother is a registered nurse,

12:31

so she went into her like nurse guy got some

12:33

blue gloves and stuck her as

12:36

hands in the question into grass and she took her hands

12:39

in the toilet, guy out and it

12:41

scratched her. Then she had to go get a raby

12:43

shot. But long story short, he ran right back out

12:45

the door he came in. Never saw that guy again

12:47

either.

12:48

She's a registered nurse and the way she deals

12:50

with stuff is by sticking her ass in it. Like she's

12:52

like, I

12:54

don't know.

12:55

Why I said ass. I met him

12:59

to.

13:00

Draw some blood. I'm just gonna stick my ass on your arm real

13:02

quick. This

13:04

is what we do.

13:05

Wait, I'm such a fan. This is wild.

13:07

Are you a Chelse or a cell? What

13:09

do you?

13:10

Honestly, Chelsea, I'll really take

13:13

it all at this point.

13:14

Wait, I prefer Chelsea because it's just

13:16

one more pillable, right.

13:20

Did you uh?

13:22

Did you say what happened to the squirrel?

13:25

He did run out the door. We left the door open and he

13:27

ran right out.

13:28

Were there cute little wet squirrel footprints

13:31

all over your house?

13:33

I mean guaranteed.

13:34

Yeah.

13:34

And then my mother's blood just trailed after

13:36

it. Do you know that

13:39

crazy old girl?

13:40

Your mom's

13:42

uh, what do you

13:44

call it shit streaks.

13:49

My mom is going to be well, it's a good things to note

13:51

podcasts are. She would be so humiliated, but no,

13:54

she had to go. So she worked at the hospital and then

13:56

she called and said, I got to come get a rady

13:58

shot. A squirrel scratched me. You

14:00

can't get radist from scratch.

14:02

Wait, okay, hold on, your mom didn't know that.

14:05

I don't she's not lessen'. It

14:08

was the ninetieses or a different times. It was just

14:11

a you know.

14:12

So she went to the ar and they're like, miss,

14:14

you're a nurse. You're usually doing.

14:16

The intake this I know, right. Imagine

14:19

they fired and they're like, you two dumb.

14:21

It feels They're like, it feels like you skipped

14:24

a couple of chapters in mid.

14:27

Yeah, like my mom the

14:29

greatest nurse of all time.

14:31

Nurses are the best. Though. When

14:34

I agreed I had to get a C section, I felt

14:36

like the nurses were my lifeline. They

14:38

were so cool. They taught

14:40

me how to breast hat I've been there, what been

14:43

there?

14:44

Hashtag been there? Yeah, girl, And it

14:46

wasn't an unplanned one, which am

14:48

I not the most fun? You know?

14:51

Yeah? Mine was too let's

14:54

just say, but Toastin wasn't doing

14:56

much for me.

14:58

Yeah, me too. And I was say thanks Giving

15:00

Eve when I was induced, and then

15:02

my surgeon came in and she goes, okay,

15:05

listen, if we get you, you

15:07

know, if we set the winter five am, I can

15:09

get my turkey in the oven before seven. And

15:11

I was like, your turkey is not my main concern.

15:14

Say that.

15:15

Anita comes in and does

15:18

the surgery and she's like, I don't

15:20

know what to tell you. Your

15:22

baby is a turkey, like we're

15:24

gonna.

15:25

Have How cute would

15:27

that be? And now

15:29

that turkey's just the whole third grader, just like

15:32

raised it is my own.

15:34

Yeah, so you know Thanksgiving,

15:37

So that means your child's birthday is

15:40

around this fraud time

15:43

in American history. But what

15:45

at this point? What what isn't a fraud time?

15:47

Well, I do believe the play you wrote

15:50

is either set drink Thanksgiving

15:53

or there's implications of like a large family

15:55

event.

15:55

There's definitely implications of a large family

15:57

event, that much is

16:00

for sure.

16:02

I guess I'm missing mixing up with like august Osage

16:04

County, which is the things giving.

16:06

Huge inspiration and a touchstone

16:10

absolutely. Did you see the movie?

16:11

Can I ask you one yes, one question? I did see

16:13

the movie with my family, upsetting upsetting

16:15

movie. What is John really like

16:17

as a person?

16:19

John Early? I mean, listen, he's funny,

16:22

he's silly. Yeah, you're

16:24

gonna riff, you're gonna

16:27

laugh, you're gonna learn, you

16:30

might eat. Okay, John

16:32

Early actually cooked for me and my husband

16:34

a few times years ago. He

16:37

made a pepe with

16:40

just about five times

16:42

too much pepper and it was.

16:44

Just really early on pepe.

16:46

Yes, yes, trendsetter

16:49

and uh, you know what, it was

16:51

extremely peppery and it was just funny eating eggs.

16:53

No, this is good, this is good. And

16:56

also he made something with like a poached

16:58

pair. I don't know why he was cooking for us

17:00

on multiple occasions. Now it seems strange,

17:02

but that that was pre child.

17:04

You know, you had the time to

17:07

eat a post.

17:08

Yeah, I remember the different

17:10

but.

17:10

The pears didn't soften

17:13

so.

17:13

They were really Oh god, it.

17:16

Was just funny because like he loves food,

17:18

I love food. But for whatever reason, there was

17:20

a couple of mishaps that felt

17:22

notorious in nature. All

17:25

right, well, listen, you

17:27

know when John gets a podcast,

17:29

you can't fucking call him.

17:31

Okay, next,

17:34

I get it. Next to call your

17:36

inspiration, your hero. You're the best Chelsea of us.

17:38

All you are.

17:40

Goodbye, thank you, bye

17:42

bye. I don't see

17:44

the Oh there's gotta go. Wely gonna

17:46

getting ding ding. Oh, it's like out of time. Goodbye? All

17:49

right? Hello?

17:54

Hello?

17:55

Hello? Hello?

17:56

Oh?

17:59

Hello?

17:59

Do you mean conference? How?

18:02

How?

18:03

How?

18:03

Who all is on the call? Who

18:06

all is on the call?

18:09

Pick up?

18:11

We were going to leave a voicemail?

18:14

Okay, hold on, I'll give you a beep.

18:16

Well it's going to be a day, but leave your voice mail.

18:21

D am Now of hours

18:24

that I spent listening to

18:26

your podcast.

18:30

Here, that's

18:34

crazy. So wait, who are the

18:37

two of you? Where are you calling from?

18:40

We're on a three.

18:44

You guys are falling apart.

18:46

You're absolutely falling apart.

18:48

I want you.

18:53

This is deb You're

18:56

all dead. I'm

18:59

Caroline, okay, Caroline,

19:01

deb?

19:02

Yeah?

19:05

How are you?

19:06

Oh my goodness?

19:08

Goodbye?

19:09

Ohly god?

19:09

Remember that?

19:11

Can you play one of your sounds?

19:16

Goodbye?

19:22

I have been with you since the beginning.

19:24

So that's what's honestly

19:26

keeping me going with you is I don't want to

19:28

punish you for the chaos. I

19:30

want

19:32

I want to engage with

19:35

Deb and Carolyne or whatever and

19:37

like really get to know you

19:39

ladies on

19:42

this party line. Now, I'm going to have a

19:44

I'm going to take a goosey goosey guess

19:47

that you haven't

19:49

been attacked by an animal? But have each of

19:51

you been attacked? Also, who's the third person?

19:54

I only know about? Deb and Carolyn? WHOA

19:58

Okay, so have by an animal

20:01

a.

20:01

Male like a male human animal?

20:04

Maybe come

20:07

on, Deb, Caroline,

20:11

haven't we all? Haven't

20:14

we all?

20:16

It's the word it is.

20:20

We're calling from two different states.

20:22

We are the tech, the tech on this

20:24

call.

20:26

Yeah, it's like, it's it's

20:29

incredible, it's crazy. What

20:31

is Andy Samberg like?

20:32

Oh my god,

20:37

God, I tried. I

20:40

don't know. I don't know where to go from here.

20:42

I need these animal stories. I'm building

20:45

up to a big grand finale here on the podcast.

20:48

Trying to see what people are saying on Instagram in

20:50

response to the post,

20:52

someone goes a swan attacked me

20:54

when I was six and my Royal Marine grandfather

20:57

punched it in the face. Honestly,

20:59

don't even think of swans. That's having

21:02

faces. I feel like once you have a

21:04

beak. It doesn't feel like a face anymore. At

21:06

least that's my personal story.

21:11

Okay, so grandfather

21:13

punched a swan. That's got to be a rough moment

21:15

in your childhood. Let's

21:19

see who this is? Hello?

21:22

Hi? Is that just? Hey?

21:24

How are you doing? Okay,

21:28

I'm getting there. I

21:31

saw that you were looking at animal stories.

21:33

That's right.

21:35

Mine is sort of like a proxy animal story.

21:37

Okay, we're taking proxies. We're taking

21:39

proxies today.

21:42

Okay, so I should explain.

21:44

I used to be a doctor and when I was working in er,

21:47

we get lots of different patients coming through.

21:49

Oh yeah, that'd be weird.

21:53

Yeah, it was high frequency, and

21:58

unfortunately, one time a child came in. How

22:00

much detail and gore are you guys

22:03

into.

22:03

I'm pretty good with it. I'm pretty

22:06

good.

22:07

Okay. Yeah, so I was

22:09

sort of expecting. I just

22:11

heard on the kind of the tannoy that you know,

22:13

a child has been in an incident with the

22:15

dog and they're coming in

22:17

in a couple of minutes to get ready.

22:19

So I go, oh, yeah.

22:21

There's like an eighteen month old.

22:23

Oh my gosh, this is horrible.

22:27

It's bad, and

22:30

and he's sitting on the bed in his nappie,

22:33

and from the side that I enter

22:35

the room, he's

22:38

not making any noise, but just like you know, chilling

22:40

with his parents. And I'm a bit confused. And then

22:42

I go around and I can start to see his face

22:45

and half of the face is gone.

22:48

No, oh my god,

22:50

this is a nightmare. I think I've changed.

22:54

I think I've changed. Wait, is there any

22:56

fix for that?

22:57

So you had to have lots of reconstructive surgery,

23:00

and thankfully he was fine. They

23:02

you know, gave him pain killers and he was able to

23:04

regain you. But it was talking in But yeah,

23:07

I'd never seen that in the flesh, and I didn't

23:09

realize the power of like a dog's

23:11

dog could literally just do that,

23:13

but.

23:14

Was it their dog? It

23:16

was yeah, Oh my goodness. Once

23:19

you have a kid, I do feel like you just got to put

23:21

the kid first. And wow,

23:24

that is terrifying, horrible.

23:27

Yeah, so sorry for bringing

23:29

out thing.

23:30

Like I've I've been realizing, like

23:33

with like, hey, tell me these crazy

23:35

horrible stories. It's like there's a fine

23:37

line. You actually it's no

23:40

longer funny once it ruins

23:42

or greatly affects the rest

23:45

of someone's life, you know, exactly,

23:49

But god, that's awful. Yeah,

23:53

how did were you able to hold

23:55

yourself together? Did you start crying?

23:57

Like?

23:57

How do doctors not cry all the time?

24:01

So when I used to work in intensive care, it

24:03

was very upsetive,

24:05

unfortunately, because a lot of people very very

24:07

sick, and a lot of people die. It's

24:10

not just the fact that you kind of see them deterierate

24:13

very rapidly over the course of a couple

24:15

of days. So you're talking to them and then they're

24:17

gone within a couple of days. But you also have to

24:19

speak with their families, and

24:22

that's the part I struggled with, like seeing a

24:24

lot of families and you know, speaking to parents

24:26

and children and relatives and just telling

24:28

them the worst news that they've had to do

24:30

on a regular basis.

24:33

But yeah, I guess it's balanced with you know, sometimes

24:35

you get lucky and you can save

24:38

someone's life from the extreme.

24:41

Yeah, it's you know, it's not easy, but it's

24:44

possible.

24:45

I'm not like I am just not of

24:47

the constitution for that kind of thing.

24:49

I at one time I did a tour

24:52

with someone and we went to

24:54

visit a veteran's hospital and there was just similarly

24:58

horrific injuries present

25:01

on people, and I was just like I

25:03

had to walk out of rooms. I start like tearing

25:05

up. I'm like, this is the worst thing I could possibly

25:08

do is come cry in someone's room.

25:10

You know.

25:10

I feel like it's a special person

25:13

that can give the

25:16

the support that people need without being

25:19

shattered by it. Yeah,

25:22

well, great call, really funny.

25:31

Listen. Uh should I let's

25:33

see, should I hit my classic? But can

25:35

they getting ding ding Lo's like out of time? Goodbye? Thank

25:38

you for that raucous

25:40

journey into the er.

25:42

Oh You're welcome always.

25:47

All right bye? Well that was fucking

25:50

dark god. Okay,

25:54

well, we have our special

25:56

call coming up, and I could not be

25:58

more excited. Hello,

26:03

I'm good.

26:04

How are you great?

26:06

You're Chris Leonard's I

26:08

am I'm Chelsea. Nice

26:11

to meet now.

26:13

I don't know if you are up

26:15

to speed on the fact that this podcast

26:18

has for many years, I was

26:21

searching for a bear attack

26:23

survivor and I don't know why

26:25

that is. And I

26:28

I recognize I'm not alone in this fascination,

26:32

but for us to have

26:34

you and us being really me But I'm

26:36

going to include my new producer Laura,

26:40

this is a huge coupe to have

26:42

you on the podcast. Now, I

26:45

don't I I don't want to like.

26:48

You.

26:49

Have you have encountered a bear in

26:51

the flesh?

26:52

You?

26:54

This was in Tahoe, which, as I'm reading about

26:56

it, Tahoe seems to have a

26:58

lot of bear in that

27:00

people are having. Walk

27:02

me through your story. Do you live in Tahoe?

27:06

Tell me the let's hear the whole story.

27:08

Absolutely. First of all, have you seen pictures? Because

27:11

that if you don't, oh, I have

27:13

to send you some pictures because they're insane.

27:15

Oh no, I did see the pictures that were assembled

27:17

on this little you know. I'm assuming

27:19

it was a viral post or is. But

27:21

I yes, I want to talk about

27:24

that first. I want the callers to know your story,

27:26

and then we should talk about those pictures.

27:28

So I don't live in Tahoe. I live in Los Angeles.

27:30

Oh okay.

27:32

I write music for movies and TV.

27:33

Oh cool.

27:34

And friends of ours

27:36

who are also in the entertainment business,

27:39

who are dear friends. They called

27:42

middle of August and said, hey, do

27:44

you we rented this cabin in Tahoe. Do

27:47

you want to all get tested? Because it was COVID time

27:49

and go up and let's hibernate for a week.

27:51

Yeah.

27:52

I shouldn't use that word, I guess, but maybe

27:55

you should did. So let's hybridate

27:57

for a week and then go to go to

27:59

talk and you know, and just you know, be

28:02

in the cabin and play in the lake and do all that kind of stuff.

28:04

Yeah.

28:05

We ended up driving from LA to

28:07

Tahoe and so

28:10

nine hours up and I had at the time

28:13

a twelve year

28:15

old and a seven year old, and

28:19

so we went up there and met our friends who were

28:21

a couple with no kids, but they have two dogs.

28:23

And then there's another couple with that

28:26

had a three year old and a.

28:28

Lot of kids.

28:29

Yeah, a lot of kids pet dogs.

28:31

Yeah, okay.

28:32

And it was right at the beginning of COVID, so it was pretty

28:35

desolate, like it was like nobody out

28:37

there. And we had actually had a lot they

28:39

had had a lot of fires earlier that week

28:41

and the week before in Tahoe, so the

28:43

skies were super hazy, you couldn't see much.

28:46

So on Sunday we got there, we all moved

28:48

in and it's a big, huge, a frame cabin

28:50

with three floors and the

28:52

middle floor is the one that went to the street, and

28:55

so we and that's where the door

28:58

to the main door to the cab and

29:00

is, plus some slidinging doors in the kitchen. So

29:02

we we basically had a great three or four days

29:05

and got to Wednesday and the fog

29:07

started clear or the smog started clearing, and

29:09

my seven year old, my daughter Vesper, said,

29:12

you know, let's sleep outside. I heard

29:14

you know, I heard you. We're gonna be able to see shooting

29:17

stars now that the clouds have cleared. And

29:20

I was like, great, sounds like a fantastic idea.

29:22

I mean, what do I know for the Slange list, But

29:25

you know, so I said, great, let's do that. And we pulled

29:27

the mattress down and put it right on this

29:29

this deck and and we ended up sleeping

29:31

outside on Wednesday and had an amazing, amazing

29:35

night, saw some stooting stars and that

29:37

was great. And so Thursday came around.

29:39

We spent the whole day on the lake as well,

29:42

tubing and doing all that good stuff.

29:44

And at night, the

29:47

one of the guys we were with decided he made tacos

29:50

and s'mores and everything, huge

29:52

dinner, lots of sweet treats

29:54

and all that kind of stuff, and

29:57

and so we're up late, and Vasper

29:59

said, let's sleep outside again, and I said, great,

30:01

no problem. So basically

30:04

everybody goes to bed around eleven

30:06

eleven thirty, everything's dark,

30:09

I'm in bed, we're outside

30:12

looking at the stars in

30:14

the front of the house. And so basically

30:16

at about I don't know, maybe eleven forty

30:18

five, Vespera fell asleep and

30:21

I heard a big boom on the

30:23

right side of the house, and

30:25

I said, okay, I'm gonna go check it out. So I grabbed a phone.

30:27

Was your first thought like, this is

30:29

an intruder? Or was your first thought this

30:31

is a bear? Did you have any kind of guess.

30:34

My first thought probably my first

30:37

thought was like, oh, something fell or something

30:39

fell out of the tree, or maybe, you know,

30:41

maybe was something was Yeah, maybe. I mean I certainly

30:43

thought maybe there was a cre you know, something around

30:46

it. I didn't really go to bear in a way, but

30:49

so I went around and I shined my phone

30:52

and didn't see anything. Yeah, So I was like,

30:54

I'm going to go back to bed. So I crawled back

30:56

into bed, and when I got back into

30:58

bed, I started hearing a lot of rummaging

31:00

around in the house. Yeah, and

31:04

I just assume, okay, well, it's it's Dave who's

31:07

upstairs and thinking a sandwich. He came down and

31:09

then I started hearing like tickety

31:12

tackety on the floor, and I was like, oh,

31:14

he must have brought the dogs down with him. And

31:18

you know, four or five minutes went by, and

31:20

then I started getting really freaked

31:23

out. I was like, wait a second, why didn't he turn the lights on,

31:25

Why is he being so loud making a sandwich? And

31:28

why is it taking him so long? So

31:30

I decided to get up again, and I basically walked

31:32

around. There's two big sliding doors that

31:34

look into the dining room and kitchen in this cabin.

31:37

So I walked in or walked around,

31:40

and I shined my light through these two

31:42

glass doors, and the

31:44

fridge doors were open, the freezer doors were open. There

31:46

was food like everywhere.

31:48

It was a disaster, complete mass disaster

31:51

all over the place, and so

31:54

I was like, oh my god, and I kept to hear I still heard

31:56

the noise. So at this point I was like, I

31:58

think I still thought it was probably a raccoon or something.

32:00

Yeah, I

32:02

scanned it over and

32:04

and shined the light there was a big cabinet,

32:07

which is where all the crackers and cookies and stuff were.

32:10

And there was a ginormous bear whose

32:12

head was in this cabinet, and they were literally cookies

32:14

flying out past its head, and

32:16

and I just I was like, oh my god.

32:19

So I shoved the phone back in my in

32:21

my pajamas, and I was like, ran over,

32:23

scooped up my seven my seven year old in

32:25

my in my right arm, put

32:28

around my hip, and just said, there's

32:30

a bear in the house. Don't say anything. We're getting

32:32

out of here. And then

32:35

I started to run towards around towards

32:37

the right side where you get out, towards.

32:39

Wait now, isn't don't they say not to

32:42

run.

32:42

But it didn't see me, okay, But

32:45

they're sped to.

32:45

Have like an incredible sense of smell.

32:48

They do have a croud, which of course is why this whole

32:50

thing happened. And I'll tell you why later. But so

32:53

basically I went running around and in the meantime,

32:55

I'm sitting there going My other kid and my

32:58

wife are downstairs, and

33:00

there's another family with a three year old behind

33:02

the kitchen where the bear is. I need

33:05

a way to warn them so I

33:07

realized there was a the main door of the house, which

33:09

is on the side, was a big, huge wooden door. I said,

33:11

that's the safest, and so I brought I

33:14

went to the front door with my kid

33:16

on my hip, and I went to go and

33:18

slam on the door because I was just gonna scream bear

33:20

like five times and slam on the door as

33:22

hard as I could. And it's then when I looked,

33:25

and just to the left of the door is

33:28

a window that's been basically broken

33:30

out, and the bear was staring straight

33:32

out, straight at me from the inside of the house.

33:35

So it was standing in front of the open window

33:38

with its back to the window.

33:40

No, it was standing on the other side of the window because

33:42

it was in the house. It was looking outside

33:44

towards me because I was out the house, So it

33:47

was it was looking straight at me on the other side

33:49

of the window.

33:50

I just keep asking you like spatial

33:52

questions. Okay, so the window,

33:54

how big was the window? No, I'm just kidding. Okay,

33:57

so you're outside, the bear's

33:59

inside. Now you're

34:01

on your way to run out with your child, right,

34:04

yes, And so what happens?

34:07

So, so the bear sees

34:09

me obviously and just starts to grat, roar

34:12

or whatever it is there to do.

34:14

And did it sound

34:16

like this sounded exactly

34:19

like really, that's scary.

34:21

Super loud, scary, super loud scary, and

34:25

and with a seven year old on my hip who is now

34:27

completely freaking out, so I

34:29

right in front there was one of those huge push brooms

34:31

that you like sweep DEXs with, and so

34:33

I just grabbed this. I grabbed this broom and just

34:36

started slamming it through this door

34:38

or through this window, right

34:40

on this bear's face.

34:41

Now here, what why did you change your

34:43

approach from leaving to fighting

34:45

the bear?

34:47

Because it was like it was obviously

34:50

going to come after me.

34:51

It was it was going to jump through it was.

34:53

It was yeah, it was like two It was like two feet

34:55

away from me and my kid was. I knew I couldn't outrun

34:57

it, and I also knew that

34:59

my the rest of my family and all my friends

35:01

were in this house and I left bear.

35:05

So oh,

35:07

I start screaming and I'm hitting this bear and

35:09

I got like, I don't know, four or five hits in

35:11

and it lunged in and basically bit

35:13

my arm, and I dropped the broom and

35:17

I don't know how long I had my arm for, but eventually

35:19

it let go. And when it let

35:21

go, I spun around and put my daughter

35:25

in front of me, and then started running

35:27

as fast as I could back around

35:30

the other side of the deck, away from

35:32

the window, you know,

35:34

just making sure that he would have to get through me to

35:36

get my kid.

35:37

When the bear bites your arm, as your daughter

35:40

like screaming.

35:42

What about dead side as

35:44

a ghost, I was

35:47

as big as saucers. My god, I

35:49

on the other hand, and screaming my tail off, bear

35:52

bear bear?

35:52

Was it?

35:53

Were you in such adrenaline that you couldn't really

35:55

feel it or did it hurt? Like a bitch?

35:57

Didn't feel really? That's crazy

35:59

that literally felt nothing. Yeah,

36:02

it was all a blur. I didn't feel anything.

36:04

Have you seen a show called I Was Prey?

36:07

Should?

36:07

I know?

36:08

It's honestly not. I'm not going

36:10

to say it's great, but they

36:12

there is so much discussion of like these horrific

36:15

injuries and people being like I didn't feel it

36:17

at all until much later. Yeah,

36:19

it's crazy that your body just creates

36:22

this adrenaline where you can't feel it when

36:24

you don't when you need to not feel

36:26

it, you.

36:26

Know, totally did. I mean I

36:29

just immediately was doing things I wasn't really thinking,

36:31

and I was Yeah, so it was. It was insane.

36:34

Yeah. So by the time I made

36:36

it around and here's where actually your spatial question

36:38

about the windows really oh good. Part good because

36:40

my daughter, who was looking over my

36:43

shoulder as I was running away,

36:46

said that apparently the bear bear was

36:48

too chubby to fit through the window easily. So

36:50

that bought us like an extra seven or eight

36:52

seconds before it wiggled out and managed to

36:55

come through. By that time we had gone around,

36:57

and it broke through the rest of the deck and ran

36:59

back out the forest.

37:02

And then when I go because what would you

37:04

have done if you and your daughter get out

37:06

and then you just see it go upstairs or

37:08

wherever the other.

37:09

People are, I have no

37:11

idea. I don't

37:14

think it would because so I talked.

37:16

So when we got back in the house, all

37:18

the lights were on by now because I had woken everybody up,

37:20

and yeah, everything was. I put her down

37:22

and there was lowly blood flying all over the.

37:24

Place, right because it must have hit an artery

37:26

or something, because like the little I know

37:28

about blood, it looked like it was spattered

37:30

all over the photos I will post

37:33

to our Instagram with your permission. But it

37:35

just looked like absolute like

37:37

it looked like it was like a cartoon of

37:39

like you know, but

37:42

again, like you know, I've seen bear attacks

37:44

where people do lose like their face or

37:46

obviously they could be fatal.

37:49

So you know, it seems to me your

37:51

level of bear attack is kind of the perfect

37:54

level for this

37:56

podcast certainly, but for life.

37:58

If you have to be attacked a bear one

38:01

arm bite, I mean, do you have a scar? I can't.

38:03

It seems like you reallyall

38:06

and it's not so bad. And actually

38:08

that's so when we they finally, you know,

38:10

the ranger came and one of the things he said

38:13

was, obviously we should not have left this

38:15

s'more stuff out on the counter. First

38:18

thing for anybody who's going anywhere near to

38:20

don't leave sweets out in the counter, and close

38:23

all the windows. But the other thing he

38:25

said is that the bear always goes out the way

38:27

it comes in, so and

38:30

it especially is not happy

38:32

when you interrupted its dinner. So basically I

38:34

interrupted dinner and I was standing right in

38:36

front of the window it went in.

38:37

I was trying to leave maybe.

38:40

Exactly, but that's why he didn't. No one thought

38:42

it would go back in once once it got out.

38:45

So they took me the hospital in Truckee

38:48

and I was there all night, and a good hospital.

38:51

They were great, they were awesome. Yes'm all, it's

38:53

not a big one, but but.

38:54

It's but they probably they probably see

38:57

a fair amount of bear attacks. I should be calling the

38:59

Trucky hospital and be like, feed

39:01

me people.

39:03

The funny thing was is they said there aren't that

39:05

many. And the doctor had been doctor who

39:07

treated me had been there twelve years and it had

39:09

never treated a bear attack.

39:11

Really, because when I was like kind of

39:13

looking around online, it did seem like there

39:15

was a number of them in Tahoe, but maybe they weren't

39:18

making contact. It was just sort of

39:21

there's definitely a bear in a car. When

39:23

lady had a bear in her car, like was at

39:25

a bachelorette party, do you see that one?

39:28

I think I've seen similar. And even the ranger

39:30

who who got to us said

39:33

that on that same street that we were on,

39:36

like a month or two before, a bear had broken

39:38

into a car and actually put the car in neutral and

39:40

it literally dripped. It had gone like

39:43

a mile down the road slammed into someone's

39:45

front porch. So they came out of their house and the

39:47

bear was literally in the in the driver's

39:49

seat. Wow, that's kind of nuts.

39:52

Apparently, So apparently there's forty one bear

39:54

attacks per year is sort

39:56

of what they had at least the year before.

39:58

I got nothing.

40:00

You know, it's not nothing, but it's not a lot.

40:02

But what he did say though, apparently the year

40:04

before in South Lake Tahoe there was one that was fatal

40:07

and that was one And what he said was, I

40:09

was super lucky that it was on the other side

40:11

of the window because if it was not,

40:13

it would have used its claws and it's like wolverine,

40:16

so it's you know, full like

40:19

just die it instantly. So actually,

40:21

if you're going to get attacked by the bear by

40:23

a bear, you apparently wanted to bite you and

40:25

not swipe you. That's the why.

40:27

Can't do both bite your arm and then swipe

40:29

you, I mean in this.

40:30

Case, except they couldn't reach through.

40:32

To establish the spatial

40:34

situation here with the window was preventing

40:37

the chubby bear from swiping

40:39

you. But hmm,

40:41

well what a crazy story

40:44

now, does your daughter is was she having

40:46

nightmares. Was she traumatized? Was she like,

40:48

this is so cool that you fought

40:50

off a bear? What was what

40:53

was the.

40:53

Last Literally yes to all

40:55

of that, Like it was at the

40:57

beginning, it was intense. We had We even had to stay

40:59

there one more night because I couldn't travel, so

41:02

we had to stay and we like locked ourselves in the upstairs

41:04

room with like bear horns and like

41:07

craziness, and she didn't sleep at all. Yeah,

41:10

she was traumatized for a long I don't think she

41:12

slept with the lights off for

41:15

about nine months, and

41:17

and she still sleeps with us, and

41:19

that's five years ago. But

41:22

that said, we had an amazing, amazing,

41:25

amazing therapist that we got

41:27

we found right away, who basically

41:29

immediately went into telling

41:32

her about how so many cultures believe that if

41:34

you have an innocent, tense run in with a wild

41:36

animal, it's because they picked you, and

41:38

they're in quiet they call it out amakua.

41:41

So it's like it's it's the animal picks

41:43

you because you have similar traits and

41:45

so they She did a lot of learning that like bears

41:47

are strong and they're loyal and they protect their family

41:49

and they're super smart, and

41:51

things like that, so we have.

41:53

The therapist was basically calling you.

41:56

A bear kind

41:58

of yeah, you know, calling her

42:00

a bear, calling my daughter a bear and

42:02

saying that's your spirit animal, and

42:06

so that sort of like it. So

42:08

over the next two years she ended up

42:10

like writing about it and drawing about it or a

42:12

super artistic family and and

42:14

and the kids are artistic and

42:16

and and she renamed it so it was named

42:19

Chomper. This bear has a name called Chumper,

42:21

and yeah. So I mean it was actually,

42:24

you know it it was super traumatizing,

42:26

obviously for her, but

42:29

I think, you know, we all came.

42:31

Out pretty well.

42:31

I certainly felt like a superhero after

42:34

it. So I thought. The doctor

42:36

on the way out was like, are you sure you're okay? And

42:38

I'm like, I don't not only am I okay,

42:41

I'm I just fought a bear and my kid and I are

42:43

still I think someone needs to drive me to Reno.

42:45

So what about it? I'm

42:48

you for I'm like the luckiest

42:50

man planet.

42:51

When the bloody arm went all over the

42:53

cabin, did you have to do a tourniquet?

42:57

Oh? Yeah, and you.

42:58

Know that I

43:01

didn't the guys who I was, who I was

43:03

with they

43:06

apparently at least they thought they knew

43:08

how to do it. They did, they ripped up t shirts

43:10

and cowls and did all that kind of stuff,

43:12

and and they're super good friend of mine, and I don't

43:14

know, I think we were all We've watched a lot

43:16

of movies.

43:19

Yeah, gotta do a tourniquet. That's like

43:21

a classic trope of any kind

43:23

of limb injury.

43:27

Wow. And then do you know what type of bear

43:29

it was?

43:31

Yeah? So it was definitely a

43:33

black bear, but it was brown because

43:36

they don't have brown bears in

43:38

Tahoe apparently, and brown bears are like grizzly,

43:40

and I would have been toasted right away. But it was probably

43:43

like three or four hundred pounds. And then

43:45

they actually the ranger sent me a text about

43:47

three weeks after with an ABC

43:50

or an ABC News story that

43:52

there was a quickie mart at the bottom of

43:54

that same hill and they

43:57

had visual that a bear had gone

43:59

in to the into the quickie mart and grabbed

44:02

a bunch of like twinkies and stuff, and then

44:04

the guy behind the counter had like shoved him

44:06

out with a broom, and so

44:08

he sent me this picture. He's like, hey, is that your guy,

44:11

and I was like, it looked just like the

44:13

same size, same shades, kind of like a reddish

44:15

brown.

44:16

And they don't uthanize. I know a lot of these situations,

44:19

they euthanize the bear if they get too

44:21

many.

44:21

Did Yeah, they put a trap

44:23

out the day we left, and

44:26

they didn't catch it before we left, and they

44:28

never told that. Apparently they never let

44:31

us know if they catch it. The plan was it was

44:33

one of the traps where like the doorfly shut,

44:36

so then they would just drive it way out and hopefully

44:39

put it somewhere else. I think hopefully. But

44:42

yeah, they definitely need they need to move it out of the area

44:44

though, because they said I it would know that

44:46

that's that they that there's food in

44:48

that house.

44:49

And once once it knows about refrigerators

44:51

and freezers, why is it going to be like eating

44:53

huckleberries or whatever. I don't

44:55

know. I I identify with

44:57

the bear. No, I'm just kidding. Well,

44:59

what wait, I have to hit the jackpot

45:02

sound effect because this is

45:05

the biggest moment of my

45:08

bogus. Thank

45:11

you, you did it, you did

45:13

it? You get it.

45:19

Sounds like green, it's reno,

45:22

it's geno.

45:29

Anything else you care to add, Uh

45:31

wait, what did you say to watch Pick?

45:36

Oh?

45:36

Something about bear attacks? Did you say to watch

45:38

something called pick or something? Have you seen

45:40

Pick?

45:41

Oh? I think the pic.

45:45

I wrote down Pick.

45:46

I was like, it's a movie, and then I forgot that.

45:48

I realized it was you were talking about the pictures.

45:50

But I'm going to go searching on IMDb for

45:53

Pick.

45:54

And well, here's the other

45:56

crazy thing, is I did I did?

45:57

So.

45:58

I did get a call at one point when

46:00

they were looking for composers for Cocaine Bear.

46:02

Oh my, that would have been perfect.

46:06

I don't know. I don't know if I was.

46:08

I was, I was super busy, so I was like,

46:10

I don't know that that's the one I want to get into

46:12

right now.

46:12

But it wasn't too close to home? Was it like

46:15

too PTSD for you?

46:17

I don't actually don't think it would have been. I just I don't

46:19

think. But they thought My agents thought it

46:21

was.

46:22

I don't know, dude, we got

46:24

the perfect thing, man agents,

46:26

So we just think literally, that's like

46:28

when after I did Gina on Brooklyn nine

46:30

nine, they're like, got a secretary? Like I kept

46:33

getting offers for secretaries. I was just

46:35

like this is like so uncreative.

46:38

But hey, that's Hollywood for you.

46:41

Right, And and I do do I do the music

46:44

for that show The Boys, which is very bloody. And so now

46:46

everyone says that you know that that obviously

46:49

I can relate.

46:49

You're the King of Gore.

46:51

I don't really want to relate.

46:52

I have to point out that you just said I do

46:54

do oh, I always

46:56

do. Listen, don't we all?

46:59

Don't we all this? I

47:01

can't tell you how thankful I am that you came

47:03

on here and told your story. It's seriously

47:07

been something a money shot that

47:09

has been building for years. So

47:13

I appreciate you. I'm glad you're okay. I'm

47:15

glad your daughter is making

47:19

you know, lemonade out of the situation

47:22

and all that. And maybe I'll see you

47:24

out there.

47:25

And each was awesome.

47:27

I hope it was fun. Yeah, post

47:29

the pictures. You have total permission.

47:32

Thank you? All right, thanks

47:34

bye.

47:36

Awesome to be you stick here.

47:38

Hey, also, Chelsea, this

47:41

is Aaron. I was just calling to tell you about

47:43

the time that I got attacked by a dog

47:46

and it ripped my Facebook and

47:51

well, I guess it's pretty much it. Yeah,

47:54

I mean, the story is I was like

47:57

a child of like seven, and

48:00

my neighbors Rottwiler had

48:04

attacked me and ripped my ear off. But

48:08

yeah, I think about it.

48:11

Bye,

48:17

Okay, so we're listening to boy Smails

48:19

here. I can't

48:22

I mean, I want to now know what happened to that guy's

48:24

ear, because it does it get reattached.

48:27

I mean, it's also just crazy, like everyone, like I

48:30

have so many people in my life like damp be scared

48:32

of this or that whatever, Like I'm

48:34

so cautious with dogs. I don't know, and honestly,

48:36

I learned my lesson from a small

48:39

dog. I was in New York and this lady

48:41

was holding a dog over her shoulder and I was like, hey,

48:43

you do he or something? It was like I

48:46

was like, oh yeah, Like I don't know this dog,

48:49

and you know, dogs

48:52

attack and dogs. If you don't know

48:54

a dog, you don't know what it's going to be like.

48:55

So I don't know.

48:58

I just can't believe that guy lost his ear and that kill

49:00

off. These are terrific things.

49:03

I think I want to know the situation

49:05

in which his ear got ripped off?

49:06

Was it his dog?

49:07

I mean, I just I really do want this person

49:09

to call in again.

49:12

Hey Chelsea, my name's Molina

49:15

and my animal encounter is

49:18

one for the book. The year was

49:20

nineteen sixty seven. I was

49:22

five years old. It was a

49:24

miniature timpanzeine on

49:27

display at the pet shop. What the hell

49:29

Brooklyn on Flashing Avenue.

49:32

It escapes, I don't

49:34

know how, ran across the street

49:36

and bit me in the leg. Oh, my good

49:39

story. And everyone

49:41

always says I was bit by a monkey, But no,

49:44

it was a miniature chimpanzeine.

49:46

Be well, be well, wait

49:48

a minute, how are the voicemails the most amazing

49:50

stories? And the people who got.

49:52

Through were like, a squirrel looked at me

49:54

once. No, a squirrel looked at

49:56

my best friend's brother, but

49:58

it had menace in its eyes, I think

50:00

from the story. And then people

50:03

are like, I was attacked by a chimp. My ear was pulled

50:05

off?

50:05

What the fuck?

50:08

Chelsea Faretti Jack Bowl from Toronto, Ontario,

50:10

Canada. My wild animal

50:13

story. When I was a boy and I yet a man,

50:16

about maybe eighteen nineteen years of age,

50:19

I was walking around by a park

50:21

called High Park here in Toronto, Ontario,

50:23

Canada, saw the

50:25

smallest, babyest raccoon I ever did see.

50:27

In my whole wild life. Went down

50:30

to go give it a little pet in a pat was

50:32

warned by a staunch and angry businessman,

50:35

full man in a suit and a briefcase with long

50:37

curly hair. He said, you don't want

50:39

to touch that thing. I said, why is it's

50:41

the mother going to abandon it? He said no, they

50:44

have razors, sharp claws, and

50:46

they'll cut you open like a tin can.

50:49

A tin can, I said. He reassured

50:52

me it would cut me open like a tin can.

50:55

So I said okay, and I continued

50:57

on my way, and every two

50:59

steps or so the businessman would turn around

51:02

and warn me once again about how dangerous

51:04

baby raccoons are. And this went on

51:06

for the better part of ten minutes until he was

51:08

basically shouting at me from like one

51:10

hundred yards away about how dangerous

51:12

the baby raccoon was. Anyway,

51:15

it's my wild Animal story. You have the good

51:17

work, Chelsea, love you a lots by That.

51:19

Wild Animal Story had a lot of the energy

51:21

and feel of The Rat

51:23

Catcher, which

51:26

is now on Netflix. We're All Doll Story,

51:29

directed by Wes Anderson. I

51:32

enjoyed it. It had that same kind

51:34

of ominous, slow

51:38

repetitive, strange

51:41

feel as that voicemail, So

51:45

maybe Wes Anderson can adapt

51:47

it and you'll be off

51:49

to the races.

51:51

Hi, Kelsey, it's Caroline.

52:01

We're on the conference call, and

52:04

we just wanted to say that we're

52:07

big fansa show. We just wanted to say him.

52:12

That we're calling from two different places.

52:15

Yeah, we're calling from Colorado and New

52:17

York, and

52:21

that we just like, sorry for the chaos.

52:23

We didn't expect you to pick us,

52:29

like the amount of sweat coming

52:31

from my palm and you pick

52:34

up. You

52:39

could call me back if you wanted my

52:42

numbers.

52:42

Do you want to.

52:45

Love you so much?

52:48

My number is dad? But Carolyn

52:51

okay,

52:55

honestly infectiously happy.

52:59

Yeah, And that would be so funny though, if

53:01

that was the start of a horror movie and I just started

53:03

calling them all night long, every night, ring

53:07

ring, ring, and Deb's

53:09

like cat live like this and

53:12

Carolyne's like no, Ma, and

53:15

uh never giggle again. No,

53:18

they seem great.

53:20

H So my friend Marisa, she's really

53:22

more of a luc acquainance. She

53:27

okay, So I got to

53:29

tighten this up, I guess. Okay, So she was

53:32

at my house. We were on the porch, she saw a

53:34

skunk. She starts freaking the fuck out, and I was like,

53:37

oh my god, you know, she has like chunk

53:39

trauma some kind. And then she's like,

53:41

it's just I got sprayed in the face by a skunk.

53:43

So I was like, oh my god, this must have happened when

53:45

she was child, because how else does this

53:47

happened to a person. And then the

53:50

skunk eventually passed and she told us the story.

53:53

She was a fucking adult. She was in Boston

53:56

and she saw a skunk,

53:58

but she thought it was a stray cat, and she approached

54:00

it from behind and realized

54:04

it was the skunk too late. Started screaming when

54:06

she realized that the skunk. So her mouth was open,

54:09

and the skunk sprayed her right into

54:11

her mouth. Like the skunk oils

54:14

and shit that they spray went into

54:16

her mouth is the grescious thing.

54:18

Ever.

54:19

She had to drink like a gallon of marinera sauce

54:21

to like get it out of her.

54:22

Mouth, and like a skunk

54:24

of a marine.

54:26

A traumatic mouth pounds. I just couldn't

54:28

believe that she, as

54:30

a full born adult, got sprayed in

54:32

the mouth by skunk.

54:33

Skunk juice, marine that's

54:40

I wonder if that would cure the COVID thing where

54:42

you can't taste anything. They

54:45

discover that's the one cure,

54:47

you imagine. I don't know what sounds worse chugging

54:50

a gallon of marinera, are

54:52

getting a skunk a spray skunker?

54:57

Well, I feel like the mojo

55:00

of voicemail people

55:03

to callers was, yet again a reflection

55:06

on the failures of this podcast.

55:08

Almost feels like you want to pre set up

55:11

calls, but then you got to schedule like every

55:13

five minutes. You don't know how long the call is going to

55:15

go. So what do you do you have

55:17

people waiting? I guess if

55:20

you're at a radio show. I

55:22

don't know that we have the capacity here at

55:24

Call Chelsea Pretty but what

55:29

a journey it is to be again on this wild

55:31

ride of organizational

55:35

chaos. I think

55:38

we've learned that dogs are varying

55:43

in their level of kindness and danger,

55:46

and skunks skunks

55:49

can get you right

55:52

in your smacker. And

55:55

what else do we learn? Well, first of all, I mean

55:59

getting this bear attack survivor

56:02

call, I have to say once again

56:05

the build up to that moment.

56:08

I mean, what a coupe what a what?

56:15

What a jackpot? And as you can see, the

56:18

tech on this reboot is

56:21

suit

56:47

bears. What's

56:49

gonna happen? Yeah,

56:55

I've seen some bear attack videos.

56:57

I know that a lot of people are obsessed with this, and I've seen

56:59

somewhere I'm like, this is veering away

57:01

from comedy. So I am really like,

57:03

I think we had a perfect

57:06

level just to child traumatized for

57:09

five six years. I

57:12

listen, it's hard,

57:14

it's hard being a parent, but that's not what

57:16

this podcast is about. Let's

57:20

look at my notes here. A

57:22

lot to figure out with our sound effects, but

57:24

we'll get there. Thank

57:30

you to our callers who've suffered

57:32

in dignities of all varying sizes

57:35

from creatures of all

57:37

varying sizes. And what a journey

57:39

to

57:42

be back in the saddle, as it were,

57:44

to use another animal metaphor, taking

57:48

these calls, reconnecting and

57:51

trying to make sense of this little

57:53

marble in the universe. That's

57:58

little marble in the universe that

58:00

we are perched on like

58:03

a bunch of ants. What does

58:05

it all mean? We don't know, but that's

58:07

what this podcast aims to unpack.

58:10

What's the meaning of life? What are we doing

58:13

here? Should we live in fear? Where's

58:15

the joy? Where's the laughs? When

58:18

this podcast finally wraps

58:20

up, it's gonna be like lost. There's gonna be

58:22

no answers, but my god, we're gonna search,

58:25

We're gonna raise questions, and

58:28

it's gonna be a fun experiment.

58:31

I call this a social experiment more

58:33

than a podcast. So

58:37

get your beakers, get your lab

58:40

coats, and let's get

58:42

our eye droppers and start

58:44

adding a little bit of this, a little bit of that,

58:47

and see if we can make ourselves

58:49

a test tube. Baby. Remember when people used

58:51

to say that, Now it's just babies. Times

58:55

change. All

58:58

right, thanks everyone, I

59:00

gotta get into my Miyata

59:03

Custom Color Miyata and head

59:05

off to Malibu.