0:00

Testing testing one two, one two? Has your

0:02

headphones?

0:05

Oh coolans, I didn't even notice your gene

0:07

Oh yeah, they're like chat They're kind

0:09

of like geney chaps.

0:11

Cut the gene denim part off and have

0:13

crotchless chaps. I will all

0:16

right on the show.

0:18

Yeah

0:20

and blurrier Dick.

0:23

I don't think that would go against Instagram guidelines.

0:26

I think they're fine with male nudity.

0:29

Really, yeah, with peen.

0:35

Welcome to the podcast we're

0:38

on now, Will,

0:40

and is it Swarts just

0:43

kidding Will

0:45

Schwartz, Ladies and gentlemen will show

0:48

wards.

0:50

Hey, here

0:53

you.

0:54

Are Will Schwartz. Good friend

0:56

of mine, friend of the pod. By

0:58

extension, you are a

1:01

musician? Yes, my husband

1:03

Jordan's peel.

1:07

You ever heard of him?

1:10

He knew your band long

1:13

before you were even a figment of my imagination,

1:15

or Jordan was a figment.

1:17

Of That is crazy,

1:19

isn't it? Yeah?

1:21

Do you know that women are born with all their

1:23

eggs that can make babies

1:25

like you're born like little girls have all their

1:27

babies just whereas

1:29

you guys are just spitting out sperm. Women

1:35

are born with all the eggs they ever had.

1:38

Yeah, and then what do men do.

1:41

God whatever. They spit out

1:43

sperm like a fucking rotisserie

1:46

chicken. Just lamp lamp blap

1:49

blamp, just spinning

1:51

out sperm, whereas

1:55

women we're

1:58

just holding eggs our whole life, little babies

2:00

waiting to be born if they want to. You

2:03

might not be a breeder. Why

2:07

why am I timing this?

2:08

Oh yeah, no

2:10

idea.

2:12

Because Jordan. Anyway,

2:17

there's so much magic and mystery to life.

2:20

Welcome to the show.

2:22

Thank you. I'm

2:26

so excited to be here.

2:28

Imperial teen was your band?

2:30

What other bands have you been in? What are the names?

2:33

Hey?

2:33

Willpower is a project

2:36

that I did. It's like a dance pop uh

2:40

Outfit and Uh

2:44

Psychic Friend is a

2:46

band that I did. It's kind of piano

2:49

pop. Patty

2:52

Shemel from Hole plays the drums

2:54

in it. And bull Body.

2:58

When Away hit My

3:00

Baker. That's Whole right?

3:03

Yeah?

3:03

I love that song. You think

3:05

that's like so annoying to whole when

3:07

that's the song everyone knows? Is it

3:09

the song everyone knows? I Love you, Kimmy

3:12

Baby, I.

3:14

Love Maybe in this World? Or Violet

3:18

Oh Miss World?

3:22

Soundbody kill

3:24

Me?

3:25

Oh that sounds woom me? Pills

3:28

Pills, I love pills.

3:32

I used to love pills before

3:34

I stopped everything

3:37

coding my gradesmas

3:40

great.

3:44

Well really, yeah, I used

3:46

to love it.

3:46

I used to take them codine and tailand

3:49

all threes boom ba boom.

3:52

I was like this.

4:03

And it would go away.

4:06

Honestly, I would still kind of have some

4:08

feeling of a migraine, but I just feel better

4:10

about it.

4:11

You know.

4:12

But hey, everything's gravy, man.

4:14

Do you take a pill now for

4:17

migraines?

4:18

Don't get them as much anymore.

4:20

Fascinatingly, I saw Gaga

4:24

was doing a commercial for a

4:27

migraine pill. Yeah.

4:28

I think there's been a lot of advancements since

4:30

I was popping my

4:33

my codeine tile in all threes. That

4:35

was in high school. I think, what

4:38

a wild ride.

4:39

She must have some equity and the

4:41

pill, right, I mean she

4:44

can't just be doing the spot

4:46

for the pill.

4:48

Yeah, she's being paid to do that.

4:49

Right, But you don't think she gets

4:52

paid by the pill.

4:53

So I think she gets bags of pills.

4:56

I think someone drives up reaches

4:59

up there like they're

5:02

like go go, and they throw

5:05

a bag of pills out like an old bag

5:07

of money.

5:08

Kind of situation, like a newspaper every

5:10

day.

5:10

I dropped that off. Oh

5:14

well, here we are a good old

5:16

buddy, old pal. So yeah, I

5:18

met Will at a party. I was instantly

5:22

besotted with him. I

5:25

don't actually remember like what our first encounter

5:27

was, but I know I saved you in my phone. It's

5:30

short shorts or something. Balls,

5:33

Yeah, somethings.

5:35

Yeah, you could see see

5:37

them. I think. Second,

5:41

I didn't mean for that to be the case.

5:43

I think I was wearing a bathing

5:46

suit though.

5:47

So Will's

5:49

a musician but also a pretty funny

5:51

guy.

5:53

I feel like I used to be funny,

5:56

but it went

5:59

away,

6:05

you know what. I think it used to be

6:07

my life, like what being

6:10

funny was my life, and

6:13

then it became not my

6:15

life anymore.

6:17

Explain how it became your life, honey,

6:19

Well, it was money all the time.

6:21

On the podcast.

6:23

I was at college at

6:26

n y U and I had

6:28

a group of friends. That's where

6:30

I met Sarah

6:33

Silverman, and uh, we

6:36

were just I mean, it's like comedians

6:40

in a room just trying to make each

6:43

other laugh, you know, And

6:46

it was such.

6:46

An you considered yourself a comedian.

6:49

Kind of Yeah, that's that was my trajectory.

6:52

Why don't you just stand up. I've ever tried.

6:55

No, no, yeah,

6:58

I would try.

6:59

I dare you to do an open mic.

7:00

It's exhilarating, but I stop

7:02

being funny after doing

7:05

a lot of drugs.

7:06

Really, Yeah, you think you

7:08

could ever buy that?

7:09

Run?

7:11

Let's get doctor Langer on the horn.

7:14

Yeah, I just uh, I

7:16

remember it happening, you

7:18

know, and uh

7:20

Sarah.

7:21

Yeah, I'm

7:23

writing an email to doctor Langer. See

7:29

if you can give you back a chunk of brain, make

7:32

you funny again.

7:34

I remember Sarah saying like, you

7:36

don't. It was

7:38

when I was having a problem, you

7:40

know, doing a lot of drugs, and yeah,

7:43

she wanted me to stop, and she

7:46

was like, you don't laugh anymore.

7:48

And I'm putting that in a letter.

7:52

And I think what she meant was, you

7:54

don't make me laugh anymore?

7:59

Is fair?

8:00

Yeah?

8:01

So okay, so here you are. Now

8:04

you're a musician. Well you were funny in

8:06

college, No longer funny. Yeah,

8:09

now you're a musician. Okay.

8:12

So oh wait, So this is the whole thing I'm trying to

8:14

get to. So we me

8:16

and Kojak were making this coffee album, of

8:18

which some of the songs but not all of

8:21

them, are up because we were like

8:23

halfway through releasing EPs.

8:25

We had like forty eight songs and

8:28

then the pandemic hit. Yeah, never finished

8:32

our album. We made a song

8:34

for the way You're Welcome.

8:36

I've been bringing guests supplies.

8:41

It had a smokiness to it.

8:44

Yeah, it was good.

8:45

Yeah. My aunt, my aunt Gina sent it

8:47

to me for Christmas night.

8:49

Shout out to Gina for that.

8:52

I like that it was just flavor. There

8:55

wasn't a lot of texture in it, you

8:57

know what I mean.

8:58

It was starting to sound like an I

9:03

like mushy keish that's my thing.

9:05

Okay, yeah, no, I'm saying that as you.

9:08

I didn't. It's

9:10

like smashed.

9:11

Potatoes and a crust is

9:14

what keish is essentially.

9:15

Yeah.

9:16

Yeah, anyway, but thanks Gina. So

9:19

the point being, we made a song, a very special

9:22

song that I truly love and I

9:24

was looking forward to releasing and I do hope someday

9:26

we released this album. Although now five

9:29

years later, I go, what the hell

9:31

was I doing? I finished up

9:33

Brooklyn nine Note and I started making an

9:36

like a such an intense

9:39

music album about coffee, and I

9:41

did think it was funny. First of all, the songs were

9:43

just thrown together in Provy, very comedy,

9:45

and then I'm like, wait, these are annoying, we have to make them

9:48

sound good. Then we just like I started

9:50

like literally becoming one of those actors who's

9:52

like thinks they're a musician or

9:54

something.

9:54

You know, I feel like you had

9:57

a good sense about that.

9:59

You were okay good, but

10:01

you know when the pandemic and I go, oh my god. I spent

10:04

the last eight months of my life in a music

10:06

studio with Kojak,

10:09

like I've done it all wrong,

10:12

but like it was so creatively fulfilling

10:14

for us because I think he was so sick of the music

10:16

industry and I was sick of the entertainment industry,

10:19

and we were like both doing something kind of different.

10:21

It was fun. It was a lot of laughs,

10:23

you know, yeah, yeah it was and creative.

10:27

It's so many crazy Eric Fine,

10:30

he actually made a song, well kind of we

10:32

started it in that process, and then he actually

10:34

recorded it is the end credit song of my movie,

10:37

which is I love that song. I want to play

10:39

that on here too. I think he's fine

10:41

with that, so that might happen. And then

10:44

Anita Baker came in, but she didn't

10:47

wind up going through it. I think she like realized

10:50

her legacy was on the line, and

10:52

then you know, it just wound up being like the

10:54

most intense, crazy journey that just

10:56

kept building and building. Andy

10:59

Millanoch, I'm trying to think who else

11:01

Handible?

11:03

Right?

11:04

Yeah, Kathleen Hannah. That one we released, you

11:06

can hear that one bad

11:10

R B d R. It's called Okay,

11:12

So this is a song that we made, and this episode

11:15

is going to be about love. This song is about love.

11:17

We're going to talk about boundaries, yearning, love

11:21

and technology. Okay,

11:23

here's the song. It's called Klingy. Anything

11:26

you want to say about it before?

11:30

I think? Uh, something

11:32

I was thinking about, Uh

11:35

was that song from the

11:38

uh that movie with

11:41

that call Me by Your Name?

11:43

The is that the Peach thing?

11:46

That's the movie with Armie Ham?

11:48

Yeah, didn't they like fuck a Peach in that movie

11:51

or something?

11:51

Oh? Did they?

11:53

If I imagine that? How crazy would I be? I

11:57

thought that was the whole thing, Like, should we look it

11:59

up?

12:00

Peach? I remember that by your name?

12:02

In Peach, there's like a sexual

12:04

Peach thing. I can't believe.

12:05

You don't know what's wrong with me that I don't remember

12:08

it.

12:08

Was a sweet movie. Okay,

12:11

let's hear Will's beautiful

12:14

voice on the song clingy

12:17

hold on. I'm going to do a drum roll leading into it.

12:29

How came here, Big clan?

12:31

What's up? How

12:33

came here? Big clan? And what's up?

12:44

How can you be clean? How

12:48

can you be clean? There's

12:51

no way? Too weekly? I

12:55

know? Did

12:58

you miss my that's been my bove.

13:01

Text and

13:05

then that other text.

13:09

And that other one.

13:13

Because I haven't.

13:14

Heard from you in

13:21

twenty minutes.

13:26

Okay, so

13:28

loud, long.

13:34

My text? My

13:39

heart? Pretty

13:43

sure you said I

13:46

was clear?

13:49

Pretty that

13:52

I heard it long?

13:58

Oh my?

13:59

Actually I'm not never

14:02

got back to be before.

14:13

Pe Bo say the

14:16

opposite of clean people

14:21

they do click

14:25

personal cley

14:31

too. How

14:37

can you be cleany hung? Sep?

14:40

How can you be cleany hung? What's

14:42

up?

14:44

There's no way to be clean?

14:46

What's up? I know

14:48

that I'm not cleany h? What's up?

14:51

Introduced you to but

14:53

now it's a creator I

14:56

want to chun't know dream?

15:07

Come on,

15:17

I'm not clean.

15:22

Clean.

15:26

Clean clean,

15:36

I'm clean clean

15:44

clean

15:51

with me.

15:55

I forgot how bad this potentially

15:58

makes me look.

16:00

I don't think that's so relatable.

16:05

Hell hi, this Chelsea.

16:07

It is Chelsea and Will Schwartz. Hi.

16:10

Oh my gosh, Hi, Oh,

16:13

I didn't know if you were actually gonna answer the phone.

16:15

It's like the coolest thing.

16:16

Ever, how

16:18

are you good?

16:22

I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I don't know.

16:27

We just like to create awkward

16:29

silences and see

16:32

what comes out of them.

16:34

Oh that's cool.

16:35

Wow, that's I mean, I'm honored.

16:38

I'm honored to be a part of the awkward silence.

16:41

Do you feel like you've ever been like too

16:44

clingy and a love relationship?

16:48

Yeah?

16:48

Yeah, oh for sure. Yeah.

16:51

And how did that situation pan out?

16:58

I hi to realize

17:01

I had to break a cycle, you know, I

17:03

had to be like I

17:05

don't want to do this anymore. But it took a long

17:07

time to realize that that's who

17:10

I was being, you know.

17:11

Yeah, how'd you realize that? Therapy?

17:15

Yeah, I mean, you's of therapy. And then also

17:18

I'm and then looking at my family

17:20

too, to look at

17:23

what I had grown, like my nuclear

17:25

family and seeing how that.

17:27

Affects Like, hey, could you guys all stand

17:29

in a line real quick? And they're like, that's

17:32

your eyeballs.

17:36

I just judged them all.

17:37

I looked down.

17:38

The line and I said, no,

17:40

no.

17:41

You said you are.

17:44

Not with you?

17:44

Are you?

17:45

Are you?

17:45

Are you?

17:46

You said you're up, You're

17:49

up, You're

17:52

up. And

17:55

you know what, Dad, you're a

17:57

mother.

17:58

Freaking

18:00

hey mom, there's a little left for you,

18:03

old bitch.

18:06

Something like that.

18:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I.

18:10

Mean there was a couple.

18:11

There was a couple of the what's

18:13

the other buzzer?

18:14

Sound?

18:15

Like the green light buzzer?

18:16

Like, you know, there's always my.

18:18

Sister, the green light buzzer.

18:20

You're clingy with everybody.

18:23

We have two questions. One, what's a green

18:25

light buzzer?

18:26

Yeah? I don't know.

18:28

I feel like you're playing the red light buzzer sound?

18:31

Do you mean the ding?

18:33

Yeah, like you passed through you did it

18:35

green light?

18:35

Yeah, that's a green light buzzer

18:37

though, that's just simply a ding.

18:40

Okay, Yeah, but.

18:42

I do like how overcomplicated

18:44

you made it.

18:45

This is kind of how the conversation started

18:47

when we created the song. What

18:50

do you mean when we created

18:53

Klingy the song, I

18:55

feel like it was just this,

18:58

uh, this huge

19:01

manifestation of everything in my

19:03

life that

19:06

that you guys were trying to get out of me. That

19:08

we're doing this.

19:09

Caller, Well, this is simply an issue of

19:11

vernacular. I just want to, you

19:14

know, just clarify that we have a ding and we have

19:16

a buzzer. It's

19:18

not a green light buzzer and

19:20

a red light buzzer. I just thought it was a

19:22

peculiar image.

19:25

Well, I guess I was imagining that you

19:27

would have to press a button, and that's

19:30

why I god, buzzer.

19:31

But I understand, No.

19:32

I did press a button. Listen, we're

19:34

never We're at an impasse with this whole this

19:36

whole vocabulary

19:38

A to D, A two

19:41

D.

19:42

So wait, this is

19:44

incredible. I'm having the best four minutes and

19:46

forty seconds of my life.

19:47

Has it been four minutes already?

19:49

Wow, I gotta get out of here.

19:52

That's how good I am

19:54

holding your attention choking.

19:58

This is the danger zone far

20:00

as this podcast goes. Once we're at one

20:02

minute, we're sinking.

20:04

No.

20:05

So you looked at your family, you looked at

20:07

your patterns, you took a responsibility

20:10

for your own cleanliness. And then

20:13

hold on, now did

20:25

you find love?

20:28

Oh God, yes

20:32

or no?

20:33

And then oh

20:35

my gosh, you said drum roll buzzer.

20:38

You said, Okay,

20:40

I think I think

20:43

that just like Bill, hold on, hold

20:45

on, I'm writing to

20:47

doctor Langer again.

20:50

With your email.

20:51

Buzz I think your buzzer lobe.

20:54

I think your buzzer vocabulary

20:56

lobe might be slightly bruised.

21:01

I think the word buzzer in your mind

21:03

means button.

21:05

Yeah.

21:06

Oh, so I'm explaining this all to doctor

21:08

Langer and my heart felt email. Okay,

21:11

good, you

21:14

said drum roll buzzer. Just please

21:16

tell me you understand what I'm saying. It's a drum

21:18

roll button.

21:20

Yeah, I said it.

21:21

I said drum roll buzzer to get

21:24

a reaction out of you.

21:25

You got it? Yeah, I got

21:27

it.

21:35

I can't go full jackpot on that though.

21:38

But anyway, you didn't find

21:41

love? Is that at the end of the story.

21:43

Well, well, I think, like, if

21:45

I may put a little bit more of a positive

21:47

spin on it, is that I had to leave my

21:49

relationship because I realized it was

21:51

not going to be what I

21:54

wanted.

21:54

And now I

21:56

love myself. So yeah,

21:58

so.

21:59

The answer is no,

22:07

No one cares about self love.

22:09

Girl.

22:10

That's that's something we pretend to care

22:13

about, Okay.

22:14

Yeah, and pretend to have

22:16

Are you getting.

22:17

Your bean flecked on? The regular. That's all

22:19

that really matters self love.

22:21

You know, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm

22:23

kidding. I'm pretending I'm a morning

22:26

radio shows host like half the

22:28

time on this podcast.

22:30

No, I love all

22:32

everything about it.

22:34

That's why I called.

22:35

Thank you, thanks for your call. Do you want to try

22:37

to hear some of our songs? Yeah,

22:40

okay, let's see if you can hear it. We try

22:43

it before. We're trying to see if we have technical difficulties.

22:45

Which version?

22:47

Uh, the new new one?

22:49

Yeah makes more sense?

22:50

Yeah? What's

22:55

he can

23:06

be clean? How

23:10

can you.

23:13

There's no way to clean?

23:16

Can you pause? Can

23:18

you hear that? Wait?

23:19

Does that say?

23:20

How can you be clinging on WhatsApp?

23:22

Yes?

23:24

Oh my god, Yeah.

23:28

I love that.

23:29

I love that.

23:30

Okay, so you can indeed hear it?

23:33

Yeah, I could hear it.

23:34

I heard it right now.

23:35

Have you ever sent like one extra

23:38

text that you should have said, this is my last question. We

23:40

simply have to end this call. But have

23:42

you ever sent that one extra I'm

23:44

being clinging in this call.

23:47

I don't want to let it go, and why there's

23:49

nothing here for me? We've seen that trying

23:52

to fucking troll me by calling

23:54

everything buzzers.

23:56

No, developed

23:58

that was my intention when I called you, Chelsea

24:00

Pretti, I just I just this has been

24:03

like again, an incredible nine minutes,

24:05

Like I'm nine

24:07

minutes.

24:08

I gotta get the stop saying the time

24:10

it's.

24:14

We want to make it. Yeah.

24:23

Because I

24:26

hung up on her, I had to end it. There

24:28

was no way it could keep going as

24:30

it was going. Call her. Hello, this is

24:32

Chelsea Pretti. I'm here with Will Schwore.

24:35

It's musician extraord.

24:37

And oh

24:42

my god, I'm such a fan of

24:44

the podcast. I've listened forever.

24:46

Thank you.

24:48

Oh, we'll

24:51

feel immediate ownership over the

24:54

podcast, which I love. I

24:56

want to be like the coffee shop proof

24:58

in that water. It's like every worker

25:00

owns a piece of it.

25:02

You know, what's

25:04

your name?

25:05

My name is Andrew.

25:07

Oh hey, hey.

25:17

Oh my god.

25:18

We have a nice voice, like

25:21

a friendly.

25:22

Yeah right, yeah, he does. I'll stop

25:25

the.

25:25

Snoring a crashing

25:27

wave.

25:27

You want a crashing wave?

25:29

That was a snore?

25:31

Yeah,

25:34

this is what I hate. I feel like callers can't

25:36

hear the sound effects.

25:37

Well, well, I

25:40

always thought what it would be like to be on.

25:42

The other side, and how is it

25:44

so far.

25:46

It's like being in Pavlov's cave.

25:48

Ah wait, Pavlov's

25:51

cave. I thought Pavlov was the salivating

25:53

dogs, and Plato was a guy

25:55

talking about what.

25:59

Yeah, you're right, Yes, I

26:03

feel smart again. I

26:07

feel fed again. I'm

26:13

that I should be. I'm smart of that,

26:15

I.

26:16

Have right to be.

26:19

I feel again, thanks

26:22

collar would

26:26

a Freudian nip slip? What's

26:30

that? I don't feel funny?

26:33

Unfortunately, I'm not funny.

26:36

Slightly smart but not too

26:39

funny. Would a comebo?

26:42

All right, So Andrew, the

26:44

exotically named Andrew, what

26:48

have your love issues been? What's what's

26:50

your boundaries issues? What's your Are

26:52

you ever too clingy?

26:57

Uh? Well,

27:02

I'm never I'm never flingy.

27:04

That's the thing. Even with a fling,

27:07

I feel like I approach it with

27:09

the capacity

27:11

of a full blown through

27:14

love.

27:16

Uh Andrew, she

27:18

said clingy with a C. Andrew,

27:23

not flingy.

27:25

No one says flinging.

27:28

That's not a word.

27:33

And are you flingy,

27:42

Andrew? Are you flinging?

27:46

Sring it to me?

27:50

Andrew?

27:50

Are you fling gay?

27:53

Will you fling it to me?

27:56

I did to me?

28:06

You d

28:18

may.

29:01

Will you fling it to me flinging,

29:04

fling it, fling fling.

29:12

Yeah, you are you flying

29:14

it?

29:15

And you are you flying a flinging

29:17

to me? Fling it

29:19

to me, flinging

29:22

is gross. It's like with that imagine

29:24

like flinging a dick.

29:27

It feels like a soft dick. Plead

29:30

your soft dick. It to me? Always

29:34

always a nightmare as a woman.

29:36

Honestly, I like my stick.

29:39

Okay, I just revealed

29:43

We hear you just revealed something?

29:46

Yes, the sect music.

29:50

Of all sides.

29:54

The times like when I really need like

29:58

you can hear them?

29:59

What petering out?

30:02

Get it Peter another

30:04

word for dick? Nah,

30:08

yeah, Willie Peter.

30:12

Anyways, I'm like, I wouldn't

30:14

care if you've had a small dick.

30:16

Who are you talking to?

30:19

Where do you live?

30:23

Yeah?

30:27

Uh?

30:28

Atlanta?

30:29

Uh huh? You

30:31

sound handsome.

30:32

Oh here we go, we got all. We might have a

30:34

love connection.

30:37

Really, Trude,

30:41

I Jude.

30:47

That's from the iHeart Library, folks, Thank

30:49

you iHeart for the library of free

30:51

music. You know what that sounds like? Bootleg?

30:53

Tori Amos, let's

30:56

hear it again?

31:00

Did I do love.

31:04

Beautiful? I was a

31:06

little bit what oh.

31:08

Yeah, it

31:10

kind of sounds like off friends.

31:12

You know what really sounds like Lona del Rey.

31:20

And so.

31:27

And so.

31:33

Make up right in a left turn plane,

31:36

make that up?

31:38

Make that right.

31:40

If I'm.

31:42

Right and I make that

31:44

left making.

31:48

Medes I get to do.

31:56

And so.

32:02

That's great.

32:04

Yeah,

32:06

I know the horns.

32:07

I kept missing the horns and my dancing

32:09

act out. I will say

32:11

that song is just ever green because

32:14

whenever I'm driving people in a Mercedes

32:16

are truly the worst

32:19

breed of people. I would unless

32:21

Mercedes wants to do an ad on the pod,

32:24

in which case what a smooth ride.

32:27

But truly like always cutting you off Mercedes

32:30

and Hondas. I need to make a Honda song

32:32

because Hondas Hondas

32:35

are always speeding. Do

32:37

you Oh my god, we.

32:42

Got a hand.

32:53

Yeah, hell

32:56

yeah, hell yeah.

33:02

Do you speed a lot? No,

33:08

it's like that we have a whole we

33:10

have a whole relationship with the LAPD where

33:12

we send them audio recordings of anyone

33:14

and anything that they say or admit is

33:17

admissible in the court of law. But do you

33:19

speed a lot?

33:23

I've been so good about it recently

33:25

because I've

33:28

gotten so many tickets.

33:31

So that's a yes, God,

33:33

yes, tickets. This

33:36

is him every time he gets in his car. I was like, oh,

33:38

let me go get a coffee real quick. That's

33:43

a Honda driver. They're like, oh, the light

33:45

just turned green. They're

33:49

like, Oh, someone's going forty five miles

33:51

an hour ahead of me in a thirty five zone. Let

33:53

me get in front of them.

34:00

Know about his coffee coffee, coffee,

34:03

coffee crank.

34:04

Hold on, I gotta switch around

34:06

here. We got copp and copp and come and cop

34:08

and cup and cuff, copp and top.

34:10

And copp and comic tomb and copper cover comp

34:13

copper coffee, cup and cup, cop comic

34:16

cop copp and copp and comic coup and come

34:18

in Tom coffee, Tommy

34:20

topping coffee, Tommy coffee,

34:23

Tommy Common coffee co con.

34:27

This part is especially amazing.

34:30

Topping Cotte, coping, toppy,

34:32

copy coffee, cuppy copy, copy,

34:35

cotton.

34:35

Coffee, coffee, coffy

34:41

coffee, drank a room coffee

34:44

crank, anthroom coffee,

34:47

crank, Anthroom, sisky, canopy

34:49

cranbroom.

34:52

Let the fucking go, seriously,

34:55

Andro.

34:56

Yeah, a speeder seems like they have

34:58

a shoes, right.

35:00

Not necessarily, they might just be cool as luck.

35:05

Do you have anger issues. Wait a

35:07

minute, you don't sound angry.

35:09

Don't get us off. Course, we're trying

35:11

to find out about Andrew's love life. All we know is

35:13

he likes having flings. I think, oh,

35:18

yeah, are

35:20

you ever clingy? We never even got the

35:23

C word. We only got the F word.

35:28

I am not clingy. I'm not cleaning

35:31

at all.

35:31

All right, we gotta go click

35:35

stage five clingers. Are

35:38

you a stage five clinger?

35:42

Yeah?

35:42

Pretty bad?

35:43

Oh how does that work

35:45

out for you?

35:48

I think I have an anxious attachment style.

35:51

So any any sense

35:54

of danger, my heart rate goes up

35:56

to one sixty and I

35:58

get real scared, real bad.

36:01

Are you currently in a relationship? Yeah?

36:06

How's it going?

36:06

I'm working on it.

36:07

Hmm.

36:08

So how does that manifest in your relationship?

36:13

I kind of avoid it. So

36:15

if I feel stressed or in danger, I

36:19

kind of just kind

36:21

of hole up in my own little world. And

36:23

he's pretty good about about

36:26

knocking on the window and saying,

36:28

hey, everything okay.

36:29

And then we knocking on.

36:34

The window of my house.

36:36

You locked around, pardon.

36:40

In the window of my house that I reclup,

36:43

that I'm a reclusive I draw myself

36:45

in and.

36:46

Couple follows the doors a couple

36:48

follow ups. That doesn't sound clean. Yeah, what's

36:50

up doesn't sound cleaning. It sounds the opposite

36:53

of clinging you Withdrew.

36:55

Yeah, but it's because I like, I secretly

36:58

kind of want more.

37:00

Second question, why doesn't he knock

37:02

on the door? He

37:05

knocking on the window.

37:07

There's no door. It's it's

37:10

a large, it's an open window concept

37:12

house. It's it's new and up and coming.

37:15

So but surely there's a door to

37:17

enter an exit out of what

37:20

the is going on. Second,

37:31

I don't understand your house,

37:34

your relationship.

37:36

I don't understand I honestly, if

37:39

I can be so honest, I can't

37:41

believe I'm even talking to you. Like I'm

37:43

walking around a Costco right now with my family

37:46

and like my hands are shaky

37:48

because I love this podcast and this is

37:51

very sal purpose.

37:58

Okay, you're gonna skip past the fact

38:00

that you live in a literal glass

38:03

house with no doors and

38:05

be like I'm walking around Costco.

38:08

Costco is pedestrian. Okay,

38:11

I want to hear about your your

38:13

home with no doors.

38:15

It's just all it's all metaphorical, Chelsea.

38:18

Oh my god, Well listen,

38:20

I wish you the best of luck and at Costco.

38:22

What would I tell you to get Egyptian

38:26

Egyptian Magic? They sell

38:28

it at Costco. Incredible face

38:30

product. M h, it's

38:33

like it's like clean vasiline.

38:36

Of course, I oh,

38:39

I have no proof it's actually clean, but it

38:42

seems clean. But I rub it all over my face

38:44

at night.

38:46

Yeah.

38:46

So its.

38:50

Listen, you're both asking me questions at once. What's

38:52

your skin type?

38:55

It's a very dry.

38:59

Writing a letter to the same my skin

39:01

doctor. Okay,

39:04

So you've got eggzema and

39:06

it's what is it

39:09

super sensy, super sensy?

39:11

Okay, I'll say super sensitive because she's a doctor.

39:14

Okay, and I'm

39:17

gonna just say is a chip

39:20

chin magic?

39:23

Oh?

39:25

Okay for this

39:28

skin type?

39:31

Great, thank

39:34

you.

39:35

So I'll just stay on the line and.

39:36

Okay, well we'll come back to ya. Color

39:50

oh coller, Hello.

39:54

Hello, Hello,

39:58

you hear me?

39:58

Yeah? What's your love

40:01

language?

40:01

Probably acts of service.

40:04

It's gotta be so you want someone

40:06

to be like, I built you a new door.

40:10

That's a reference to the last call a door.

40:13

Yeah, that doesn't make any sense to me.

40:17

The door a door's line?

40:19

Do you the door? Let's get first thing out of the

40:21

way. Do you have a door on your house?

40:24

I have a door on my house. I have several

40:26

actually, if I'm counting them, Well,

40:28

I don't live in a house. I live in an apartment. So there's like

40:30

eight hundred doors.

40:32

Okay, getting weirder, getting weirder. Eight

40:36

Oh the whole apartment.

40:37

Not eight Okay, maybe

40:41

like maybe like thirty

40:43

So I don't need more doors. But if you wanted

40:45

to build another one, why

40:48

do.

40:48

People go south so fast? You're saying

40:50

thirty doors. I just have to, like, the brain

40:53

in me has to say, those are doors to

40:55

other apartments?

40:56

Right, yeah, but I'm on the third floor, so

40:58

it wouldn't it be a door to nowhere? What

41:01

if it's not a door? What if it's uh

41:05

a chair?

41:07

Chair?

41:08

Makes more sense?

41:08

No, Lily Gony getting ding ding. Oh, it's like a out of time goodbye.

41:19

Hello. We

41:21

are here and me and Will Schwartz

41:23

and we.

41:24

Have conffee coffee coffee

41:27

coffee crank, and got

41:29

coffee crank and throom Gang

41:31

coffee crank and throom SI comfy.

41:40

Fair, Fair is fair.

41:42

I'm gonna take this opportunity to have a slurp

41:44

of cough three two one

41:49

this is my coffee drinking music. Now, it's

42:02

absolute fucking me.

42:05

Hello, Hello, Hi.

42:09

Do you ever feel like you're too clingy

42:12

and love?

42:13

Yeah all the time, especially

42:15

right now.

42:16

What do you do about it?

42:19

Nothing? I got a puppy, so I guess

42:21

that's helping because he's very funny.

42:23

Yeah, mutual cling fest, Yeah

42:26

exactly. Dogs are good for that, right,

42:29

They're they're very good. He needs me to survive,

42:32

so it's great, right, And even when you're like

42:34

really in their face, like they're just kind

42:36

of like looking at you, bored,

42:39

but it's like even so fue yep.

42:42

Yeah, he'll come and just like sit right in front

42:45

of me and just stare at me while I'm like doing

42:47

work, and it's like, I don't know what you want, but you can just keep

42:49

staring at me, I know.

42:50

And you stare at each other. And here's your theme song,

42:53

Oh, looking like

42:55

you and you've been looking

42:58

for somebody.

43:06

I could play that for him and see if he likes it.

43:09

Yeah, I mean, let's be real, what's

43:11

he not gonna like? There's almost nothing

43:13

dogs don't like.

43:15

He doesn't like going in. It's create, but that's that's

43:18

about it.

43:19

Yeah, I guess there's a lot. Dogs don't like sounds,

43:23

they don't.

43:23

Like He also doesn't like it when I don't let him

43:25

bite me.

43:26

Right, But they don't like when they're like,

43:28

don't pee on things in the house.

43:30

They have so many weird, weird issues.

43:34

But it is a great point that dogs

43:37

are such a good outlet for stage

43:41

five clingers.

43:43

Yeah, exactly, I've

43:45

had him for about a month and so far I feel so loved.

43:48

Yeah, that's great, good

43:50

point.

43:51

Yeah, I to

43:53

talk to you again. I don't remember.

43:58

I'm going to tell you right now.

43:59

I know.

44:01

Did we talk about ten years ago?

44:04

Oh?

44:04

Yeah, that I remember. Yeah that actually

44:07

I do remember. Yeah, ten years to the day,

44:11

pretty much.

44:11

I think. So it's great to hear your

44:13

voice once again.

44:14

What was our call about?

44:17

You know, I don't remember much.

44:18

I only remember.

44:19

I don't know if you can see. Well, I

44:21

remember something that you did those kind of

44:23

mean but that's all

44:26

right. Now, that's the fun story that I share

44:28

with people when you know, when you come up. You

44:30

know, I was listening to you talking

44:33

about how people love it when you're mean, and

44:35

this time you're trying not to be so mean, but sometimes

44:37

you just kind of give the fans what they want right

44:40

click. That

44:44

would have been a great moment. I

44:46

would allow you to do that if you wanted to.

44:49

You know what's a real shame. I'm

44:52

of a generation in which we did

44:54

have phones that you hang up on people and

44:56

it does make a sound like now it's like cell

44:58

phones. They don't give you the click and the dial tone,

45:01

like a dial tone sound was so evocative,

45:04

Like young people don't even know what that.

45:07

Is, right.

45:08

I know, they probably don't even realize they're getting hung

45:10

up on until like a few later,

45:13

like.

45:14

Hello, Literally

45:16

you could hang up on a young person. They don't even realize

45:19

because they're just scrolling TikTok. Immediately

45:22

they're like like

45:25

they don't even know what's up or down as long as

45:27

it's on TikTok and it's got some

45:29

audio. Oh young

45:32

people, they fuck it suck

45:34

yeah saying

45:37

is that you guys?

45:40

How are they called?

45:41

Hmmm? Do we want to do this kind of small

45:43

talk?

45:49

What do you want? Boring?

45:52

Well, this is.

45:59

This morning.

45:59

I just get pertain

46:04

to see what I do not

46:06

see.

46:11

It's hard to hear the song lyrics. I

46:13

know, I know you hate something.

46:15

I hate that.

46:16

It's like the call.

46:17

I always told you what it was.

46:19

This is a mess. This is a sink and chip

46:21

folks, this is an absolute

46:24

sinking ship.

46:26

I sent you a video this morning of a of

46:29

a bear attack. Well it was a mysed

46:31

bear attack in like Tahoe. Okay,

46:34

if you check your invice

46:36

on Instagram the DM.

46:38

But let me tell you I was My algorithm

46:41

is almost one bear attacks

46:43

at all times.

46:45

It was.

46:45

It's something I haven't seen. All right, Yeah,

46:48

we do have another bear attack survivor that

46:50

we should get on the pod soon. He there,

46:53

we have another bear attack survivor. Interested

46:55

got another one on the hook.

46:58

Okay, the

47:00

one, the one that was on the pod a few weeks

47:02

ago. Was crazy that I was on the edge of

47:04

my seat with that story.

47:06

Were you?

47:06

Yeah?

47:07

That was what a fucking story. Can you imagine

47:09

your kids on your hip and you're fighting a bear

47:11

with your other arms?

47:12

I know that's crazy. I wouldn't. I

47:14

would just give up my kid. I think you

47:16

would probably not.

47:18

Oh you mean throw the kid to the bear and then run.

47:20

I've never had kids, so I don't. My survival

47:22

instincts.

47:23

Are not very good.

47:24

No, that sounds like what your instinct would be if

47:26

you had a kid.

47:27

Just yeah,

47:31

yeah, uh well

47:34

it was it was I'll let you go to other other

47:36

calls. I don't want to keep you. I just wanted to say hi, and

47:39

I'm excited to have you back on the on the pod.

47:48

I have sometimes if people will say

47:51

anything.

47:51

Else, hello caller, oh

47:54

hello Chelsea.

47:55

How are you?

47:59

It depends on to day. Right now, doing

48:02

fine? How are you?

48:03

We mean right now?

48:07

It's been a roller coaster of a.

48:08

Year, that's for sure.

48:10

You're done tutin, yeah, darn

48:14

toutin. Indeed, yeah, you're talking

48:16

about love and yearning. I d.

48:19

I was going to run through all the events of the year, but I

48:22

remember we're talking about love.

48:23

Yeah, love,

48:28

I have something topical for that.

48:31

I am.

48:32

My name is Josh. I'm from Toronto. I

48:35

met a guy pre Covid. I was

48:37

traveling a lot. He lived in Seattle.

48:40

He then moved here with okay, I have to give

48:42

you a pointer. Let me give you a pointer because you're doing

48:44

something that someone in my family

48:47

does when they tell me stories.

48:49

They're like this, this is the tone. You're

48:52

like, oh, hey, how's it going. It's going all

48:54

right. I went to the store. I went to this,

48:56

I did this. Yeah, and

48:59

it's like, I need to put a little

49:01

love in your story, man,

49:04

Like, give me a little I know you're trying to speed it up

49:06

and keep it back, but let's

49:08

get a little juicier tone.

49:14

In Seattle.

49:16

Yeah, it

49:18

was after a really bad breakup

49:22

with abusive X, and

49:25

he was just absolutely

49:27

amazing. You know, we connected

49:29

really well.

49:31

Abusive, abusive and amazing.

49:34

No, this was that I'm saying this

49:37

news now. My husband

49:39

was amazing, you know, in contrast to

49:42

this abusive piece.

49:43

Of ship before that

49:48

you suffered, Thank

49:51

you, thank.

49:52

You still working through

49:54

it. It was like six and a half years

49:56

of a really terrible, terrible time and

50:01

learned a lot. And yeah,

50:05

so he proposed

50:07

to me. My my now husband proposed

50:09

to me last year and

50:12

we got married and in

50:16

August kind of had he

50:19

kind of had a like crisis,

50:22

I guess about being here and told

50:25

me that he needed to move

50:28

back to the United States.

50:30

Are where are you again?

50:32

I'm in Toronto, And

50:36

so he moved back to Seattle

50:38

and said that he needed a couple

50:41

of months of like radio

50:43

silence.

50:44

And I have.

50:47

Geography.

50:49

No, it's not about geography, So

50:53

what is it about? You

50:57

know, he's got some like COVID

50:59

really took a big toll on his mental health, as

51:01

it did for a lot of people, and

51:04

so that was kind of the like

51:08

main reason, I guess, but

51:12

I can't help but feel just like super

51:14

abandoned in this moment, right,

51:18

and not sure whether to you

51:21

know, wait and.

51:22

Hope for my husband to come home

51:24

from.

51:25

War or just kind

51:27

of move along and enjoy

51:30

meeting new people.

51:32

And well, what you know when you find

51:35

when he said like radio silence,

51:37

first question is did you adhere to

51:39

that?

51:41

I did?

51:41

Yeah, it was like really really good with it.

51:44

Well my second question was he saying like

51:46

we're on uh separation

51:50

and date people or how

51:52

did he leave it with you?

51:55

No?

51:56

We we're in an open relationship, so you

51:59

know, sex is not as much of a thing to work

52:01

around. But yeah,

52:04

we had the like a really a

52:06

lot of release, like straightforward conversations

52:09

and uh, you know right

52:12

now the divorce is not imminent.

52:14

It's not an imminent conversation.

52:16

Do you want to date like several?

52:18

Do you want to date Will?

52:21

Sure?

52:22

Yeah?

52:24

I mean real good right?

52:25

Will is super sweet, clingy, which you

52:28

might enjoy after this husband obviously.

52:30

Yeah, sounds like an absolute ice block.

52:33

So Will, if you're you know, a good

52:35

description, Yeah, Like, if.

52:37

You're on WhatsApp, Will will be fucking hitting

52:39

you up all day long.

52:41

Your alerts will be like and

52:44

then you're like, oh a text from Will. But before you

52:46

even read it, it's like then

52:49

you're like, oh my gosh, another text. You start replying

52:52

and.

52:55

Yeah, well

52:57

you have my numbers now, Will, so oh

53:00

yeah, I see it.

53:01

Uh yeah. But anyway,

53:05

at first, I want to say, my heart goes out to you because

53:07

I felt the emotion in your story, you

53:10

know, and it's

53:12

an awful feeling when someone I don't

53:15

know did he explain to you a bit what he

53:18

was feeling about your marriage was

53:22

just like I love the Mariner. What.

53:26

Yeah, He's not really very good

53:28

at articulating that, and he

53:32

really just like kind of felt like he

53:35

gave up once I said yes to the proposal.

53:38

Like there really wasn't a lot of effort,

53:41

so you know, like being an immigrant,

53:43

he had to do a lot of paperwork to get a job

53:45

permit, and he did none of it. I

53:47

did all of it, and like, you

53:49

know, financially supported him.

53:52

Pulled up.

53:52

Pulled up. Now, wait, a minute now, Yeah,

53:55

yeah, okay, are you telling

53:58

me o? Ma mates

54:00

another man? He wants citizenship.

54:04

He gets married. As soon as

54:06

he gets said citizenship, he

54:08

moves to Seattle.

54:10

Well he didn't get the citizens oh, like

54:13

you know, he has to do the like you know, paperwork

54:16

processed, but he just like didn't

54:19

do any of it.

54:20

I thought you did all of it. Yeah, but did it

54:23

get I'm.

54:23

Saying I was the one who did it all. I didn't

54:25

get processed yet. It's taken a really long time.

54:28

Oh but it's I'm

54:30

just saying it perhaps possible

54:32

that he married you for citizenship.

54:35

Oh no, no, he's like hella

54:38

American. He's a veteran, so like

54:40

he's very American.

54:41

You know, but you why did you apply for

54:43

US citizenship for him

54:47

for.

54:48

Canadian citizenship when he moved here.

54:51

Oh so he wants to do I'd

54:54

take back my dramatic music. Do you think he

54:56

used he used you for dual

54:59

citizenship?

55:00

But he's doesn't.

55:02

He still doesn't have it, and he just kind

55:04

of left and didn't work for it and

55:07

didn't really like work to keep

55:10

me either, so he can too long, like,

55:12

well thanks for having for a

55:14

year and then like, you know, peeping the fuck

55:16

out.

55:17

Okay, once again, I just have to follow a logic

55:19

thread here.

55:20

Yeah yeah, sorry, if.

55:22

The application is in, he

55:24

may well still be approved for citizenship,

55:27

right.

55:29

No, because he's not living here anymore.

55:31

Oh okay, that's all I needed. Okay, So

55:35

here you are. You're in what'd

55:37

you say? Toronto? Yeah,

55:40

you're in Toronto. You're able

55:42

to fuck whoever you want, Willy

55:44

Milly as you were when you were married.

55:47

Yep.

55:47

So nothing has changed.

55:51

I guess in this what's changed

55:53

I guess is like, do I have hope

55:55

to actually have this relationship

55:58

continue, you know, like on this kind of emotional

56:00

sabbatical of his. If he do,

56:03

I wait for him to come back in a couple of months and say,

56:05

like I'm starting to heal and I want

56:07

to know the relationship.

56:10

No, you both immediately are.

56:11

Like, nah, I don't think

56:14

radio silence someone radio

56:17

radio? Hold up? What is this

56:19

the military?

56:22

Well there you go?

56:23

Yeah kind of.

56:24

Then he is a military guy, yeah, well

56:27

a veteran.

56:27

Yeah.

56:28

Military.

56:28

Let me ask you this, what are his hold

56:31

on? I'm gonna get you some music. What are his redeeming

56:34

qualities.

56:38

When I met him or now? I will say when I

56:40

met him, he uh

56:43

is really like made me feel confident,

56:46

which I did not really feel before that, and

56:48

made me feel like sexy and loved and

56:51

cared for. He

56:53

was like funny and silly and didn't take himself.

56:59

Yeah, and then you know, he

57:02

just kind of stopped putting

57:04

in any effort and it was just like

57:07

sounds like to really get any

57:10

affection.

57:11

Love bombing covert narcissist

57:13

thing.

57:15

Yeah, I've heard of this term. I don't really understand

57:18

it though, like love bombing and stuff

57:20

like what is that.

57:21

I'm going to write a letter to doctor Phil see

57:24

if he believes in love vombing.

57:26

If he YouTube there's

57:29

a lot of YouTube love bombing.

57:33

Thank you. Hope to hear back from

57:37

Chelsea. Correct.

57:42

How long was the marriage you

57:44

know, from the time of meeting

57:46

him to he left? How

57:49

long?

57:52

Oh wait, do you mean, like how long was the marriage.

57:55

Or from when you met him until

57:57

he bounced?

57:59

Good good slang?

58:01

Well, hold on, thank

58:03

you.

58:05

Nineties slang? Yeah, is it still

58:07

in rotation? Let us know in the comments.

58:12

Uh, we met in twenty eighteen

58:16

and got married in twenty twenty

58:18

two.

58:18

Oh wow, it's been and then he left in

58:21

August. Oh okay, so

58:23

maybe it wasn't.

58:24

In gay relationships, isn't that like fifty

58:27

years?

58:27

Yeah, that's so long, it

58:30

seems like it.

58:31

But we were a long distance until

58:33

twenty twenty one when he moved here.

58:35

So still long three years?

58:38

Yes, yeah, yeah, I'm good

58:40

at that, you know, But yeah, it seems

58:43

like not everyone else's.

58:45

Yeah, that's not a love bombing. That's a

58:48

relationship.

58:50

I don't know. And now I'm starting to be like, what did

58:52

you do?

58:55

That's what I'm starting to think too.

58:56

That's why I'm falling, because I'm like, is

58:59

this some Are you clinging?

59:01

But I know

59:04

I don't feel like I am.

59:05

I really like having I don't feel like I

59:07

am either.

59:10

But yeah, listen to the song that Will made.

59:13

Can you pull up the song? Yeah,

59:16

listen to the song will Will. Just for the record.

59:19

He just said he doesn't feel like he's clinging either.

59:21

Here's his song, What's

59:24

up?

59:27

What's up? How

59:37

can we be clean? How

59:41

can you be clean? There's

59:44

no me to.

59:47

I know.

59:53

My other text.

1:00:00

Text and

1:00:02

another one.

1:00:06

Does I have heard from

1:00:08

you? And

1:00:18

that's okay?

1:00:20

All right? Could

1:00:22

you hear that?

1:00:24

That was beautiful? Oh my goodness is

1:00:26

that created on the show.

1:00:28

No, we wrote this for my coffee

1:00:30

album, never released.

1:00:32

It's beautiful.

1:00:32

Yeah, one of my favorite songs actually that

1:00:35

we made.

1:00:37

Anyway, I hope

1:00:39

you let us stream that.

1:00:41

Yeah, I would like to release it. So

1:00:45

I don't know what to tell you. We're at a bit of an impast

1:00:47

because we don't know what you what your

1:00:50

weaknesses are in the marriage.

1:00:53

All we're really left with is this weird

1:00:56

hard boundary. Yeah,

1:00:59

yeah, this silence,

1:01:01

And it's hard to give

1:01:04

advice because we just don't know enough details.

1:01:06

So yeah, I need

1:01:08

to bring my gavel in here. I have a gabbled

1:01:12

I would love that. Yeah, and then I could be like, what

1:01:16

do you rule when it's undecided? The

1:01:19

judges go, it's not guilty,

1:01:21

and it's not not guilty. Get

1:01:23

out of here, yes, scamp, it's

1:01:27

called for a recess and never come back. I release

1:01:30

you. Okay, bye, I don't know, good luck, Okay,

1:01:33

thank you bye bye. Nice

1:01:35

guy.

1:01:36

I think, yeah, I don't know. Well,

1:01:40

I mean it did make a difference that it was

1:01:42

so many years.

1:01:43

Yes, you know, that's like I don't know, I

1:01:46

don't know.

1:01:46

Yeah, but radio silence, it's

1:01:49

so tough it is. You know, I have one

1:01:52

person in my life who does

1:01:54

radio silence, and

1:01:56

it's it's just I don't

1:01:59

get it.

1:02:00

There's a radio station that's

1:02:02

silence ladies

1:02:05

and gentlemen.

1:02:06

What That's not how I operate radio,

1:02:09

you know, It's just it doesn't work for

1:02:11

me.

1:02:11

It's absolutely frigid in here. It's a meat

1:02:14

locker.

1:02:14

Yeah, I like it.

1:02:15

Your sperm is in

1:02:17

pristine condition right now.

1:02:20

Gosh, my whole urology

1:02:23

is off right now.

1:02:25

So oh my, hold on, talk

1:02:27

about bearing the lead? What's

1:02:31

going on with your urology?

1:02:34

I mean.

1:02:36

I stand there sometimes and

1:02:40

waiting to pee and it just doesn't

1:02:43

happen. And I don't know. It's

1:02:46

been a couple of years that this is. I

1:02:48

pee a lot at night or

1:02:52

during the day. You know, it's it's

1:02:54

really unsettling.

1:02:58

Do you ever look at your urethra and say,

1:03:02

we get to this?

1:03:04

I do absolutely?

1:03:07

Men have right, Yeah,

1:03:10

we.

1:03:10

All pee you

1:03:13

no gender aside. We all

1:03:15

have your ethras.

1:03:16

That's crazy.

1:03:18

No urethra spectrum, right,

1:03:21

we all got them. That's how we should be defined.

1:03:24

Walking urethras collar

1:03:30

Are you there?

1:03:31

I'm here?

1:03:33

Are you walking urethra?

1:03:36

Do you consider yourself to have a urethra.

1:03:42

Yes, I do. I've recently come around to

1:03:44

identifying as a urethra owner.

1:03:47

How's your peace stream?

1:03:50

Uh?

1:03:51

I would say, you know, we're

1:03:53

pretty hydrated these days, so it's

1:03:56

it's it's steady and consistent.

1:03:58

Do you go at night? Do

1:04:00

you have to? Or you sleep through

1:04:03

the night without getting up?

1:04:05

You know I do sleep through the night. I am very fortunate

1:04:07

in that regard.

1:04:08

What's your age?

1:04:11

In thirty two and uh, this

1:04:13

is Aaron. I was the guy who left the voicemail

1:04:15

about my ear being ripped up by

1:04:17

a dog.

1:04:18

Who hang

1:04:45

up now, No, no,

1:04:48

don't happened to be

1:04:50

pulling out after you and my Honda?

1:04:54

What happened to your ear?

1:04:56

It got okay, so tell your story please.

1:04:59

This was huge all my Animal Attack podcast.

1:05:02

Everyone who called in was like one time a goose

1:05:05

like honked at me from five

1:05:07

feet away, and then the voicemails

1:05:10

were like, I was, you know, half

1:05:13

my body was torn off by a jaguar

1:05:16

and a paul or something. Okay, so

1:05:18

you called and you said, what

1:05:21

tell us? Well?

1:05:24

I didn't give a lot of detail.

1:05:26

But when I was like seven

1:05:29

or six or seven, I was pretty young, you

1:05:33

know, like the we had these neighbors

1:05:35

move in kind of like catty corner

1:05:37

to us, and their

1:05:40

youngest child was like our

1:05:42

age, my brother and I and so she would come over all

1:05:44

the time. And the first time and

1:05:46

only time we ever went over to her house,

1:05:50

it was like it

1:05:53

was like a like a smoker's den of

1:05:55

a house, you know. It was like real dingy

1:05:57

and musty, and so

1:06:00

she was like, we're just gonna play outside,

1:06:04

got it. So we went to the backyard

1:06:06

and they had

1:06:08

a rock wiler. Now

1:06:11

we had dogs, and

1:06:13

I was like, I love dogs. Great,

1:06:16

you know, we have pommeraniums, one

1:06:19

one not.

1:06:20

But yeah.

1:06:22

So she had this rock whiler chained

1:06:24

up to a tree in the middle of her backyard

1:06:27

and like metal chain.

1:06:30

And I'll tell you what, that's a tree. I wouldn't

1:06:32

be getting anywhere near a

1:06:36

tree. I'm not going.

1:06:39

Right.

1:06:39

And it's times like a bigger backyards,

1:06:42

like it's a little it's a little ways away the

1:06:45

middle of summer, and the

1:06:49

dog is just like chewing on its metal chains.

1:06:54

As rotilers do.

1:06:57

Terrifying. And it is like ninety

1:07:00

eight ninety nine, So like toy

1:07:03

story is still kind of like a thing and

1:07:07

it's giving like sid from toy story

1:07:09

vibes. You know, It's like I'm imagining

1:07:11

just like the dead toys and dead

1:07:13

dogs coming out to play in this backyard.

1:07:16

And that's like the first

1:07:18

time I think I ever started putting things together.

1:07:21

I was like, Oh, this family,

1:07:24

like your kids don't

1:07:26

stay in the house, they don't stick around,

1:07:29

and I don't know where the adults are. And

1:07:32

then the dog just looked at me and my brother

1:07:34

and just like hook off full speed, busted

1:07:37

the metal chain to a

1:07:39

tree with and it just lunched

1:07:41

at me.

1:07:42

Wow.

1:07:42

My brother's younger than me, so he just doesn't

1:07:45

know what's doing. He's screaming. He's

1:07:48

like I can't like.

1:07:52

Is he like?

1:07:52

That's like?

1:07:53

What was?

1:07:56

I'm happy?

1:07:57

Hold on your brother? Was

1:07:59

your brother kind of like this, I'm.

1:08:05

Like, I'm back in it. I'm back in the trauma.

1:08:08

That was.

1:08:10

Like, Yeah,

1:08:16

he had to identify himself for me to understand

1:08:19

that identify

1:08:25

herself.

1:08:29

Yeah.

1:08:30

God, just like busted chain, his

1:08:32

chain like rattling behind itself. Holly

1:08:35

lunges on top of me and it's just attacking

1:08:38

my face, swiped

1:08:41

my chest.

1:08:41

How old are you?

1:08:42

You're my shirt. I'm six

1:08:44

seven years old and I'm

1:08:47

little.

1:08:48

Hold I'm a little guy.

1:08:50

He's probably five at this point.

1:08:53

Your gap the dreams, So

1:08:57

my brother books.

1:08:57

It because he's smart us

1:09:01

intact.

1:09:02

Did your brother, hey, hold on, did

1:09:04

your brother look over his shoulder as he ran

1:09:06

away from you being eaten by rot Wilern? Did

1:09:08

he say it's fun?

1:09:10

The same?

1:09:20

Yeah?

1:09:20

He was, like he was like

1:09:23

by the time I got back to my house, he's already like

1:09:25

digging a hole in the backyard for me, and

1:09:31

uh, well he runs home. He's screamless

1:09:34

from my mom right suh.

1:09:37

I find uh Christmas

1:09:40

decorations A giant like plastic

1:09:43

candy cane.

1:09:48

Oh, I thought you're gonna say you started decorating a trio.

1:09:50

That was a weird choice in this choose

1:09:53

your own adventure story. Okay, keep

1:09:55

going.

1:09:57

Christmas candy, I like

1:09:59

beat the off of me, and

1:10:03

I basically I scrape

1:10:06

and scratch my way out of the backyard through

1:10:08

their house.

1:10:10

Across the street back to my house, and

1:10:15

I like, I stop in the middle of the street to grow up.

1:10:17

I'm in so much pain and there's just blood

1:10:19

everywhere, and I just

1:10:22

have my hands over my face. I get

1:10:24

to my front door. My mom opens

1:10:26

the door. She's like, what is happening? And

1:10:29

I go to show her what

1:10:31

the dog did to me. I take my hands off of my face

1:10:33

and my left ear is

1:10:36

in my hand, and then I passed

1:10:38

out and I wake up in the hospital.

1:11:00

An ear in your hand. It's supposed to be on your head.

1:11:02

Come.

1:11:06

Yeah, it was like that, like that trick where

1:11:08

you pull a corner out from your ear.

1:11:09

Let you pull your ear out from your ear.

1:11:12

Yeah, miss the wallet, just the

1:11:15

whole ear. Yeah,

1:11:17

So I had to get it like surgically reattached

1:11:19

to the side of my head.

1:11:21

How's it looking at? Yeah?

1:11:23

How does it look?

1:11:24

Can we see it?

1:11:26

I mean it looks like a normal ear. The cartilage

1:11:28

like got crushed, obviously, and

1:11:31

so it's like flatterer and

1:11:33

it sticks out almost

1:11:36

to like a ninety degree angle for my head instead

1:11:38

of straight back. But you

1:11:42

know, I'm also ethnic, so I got big ears

1:11:44

anyway, So.

1:11:45

That doesn't have to do that nicity. Every

1:11:48

one of every ilk has big ears,

1:11:50

some people do. Here's what I have

1:11:53

to say.

1:11:53

So I think it's just more common.

1:11:55

I used to work in an ad agency, okay,

1:11:58

uh, and we had just like

1:12:00

Mexican restaurants as our

1:12:02

one of our clients, they had a caricature

1:12:06

of the person who started restaurant.

1:12:09

And my boss, who was a very

1:12:13

liberal white lady, was like, we have

1:12:15

to get rid. We have to tell them that they

1:12:17

can't use this because this, this

1:12:20

caricature is very offensive Mexicans

1:12:22

with big lips and big noses and big ears.

1:12:25

And I was just like hiding my own face

1:12:27

because I was like, Oh, it's me, you just describe

1:12:29

me.

1:12:30

Isn't it a mess?

1:12:31

All of it?

1:12:31

How all the stereotypes are true about all of

1:12:33

us?

1:12:35

Just kidding?

1:12:36

Yeah, Yeah, That's why I like to perpetuate

1:12:38

them, because I'm just I'm a true teller.

1:12:41

Has it Has it messed with your game?

1:12:45

Oh? Let me? Yeah, that's

1:12:47

a good question.

1:12:47

Let's hear that with my game.

1:12:49

Yeah?

1:12:50

With lovers, No,

1:12:53

I've laid I've locked one down him.

1:12:56

Okay, you've locked

1:12:58

down a man I have?

1:13:01

Yes, Oh nice, We'll

1:13:05

have to see it. And

1:13:07

I will not stop until every man

1:13:10

on the planet is a homosexual.

1:13:18

Every straight man's sphere, every

1:13:21

like bigoted straight man.

1:13:24

I just spat all.

1:13:26

I love that.

1:13:29

It.

1:13:30

Yeah, I'm with you. I'm

1:13:32

with you on that.

1:13:33

Honestly, that story is so scary. I can't

1:13:36

believe it broke the chain.

1:13:38

Uh yeah, and then.

1:13:41

Like within a week, well okay,

1:13:43

so the dog, the dog had to get it taking

1:13:45

some pound. Obviously, they got the dog

1:13:47

back, and then like a week later the dog died.

1:13:50

And I don't know how it happened, as

1:13:54

a dog lover, No,

1:13:57

probably that dog was being abused. Right,

1:13:59

it's into a tree outside. It's probably

1:14:01

not getting the exercise or the training that

1:14:03

it needs. Everyone wants to get these

1:14:06

dangerous big ass dogs. And then not like

1:14:08

you never see people walking a dog on a leash

1:14:10

that is stronger than

1:14:12

them. Old lady walking

1:14:15

a Rottwiler and it's pulling her down the

1:14:17

street. It's like the sound of her heels on

1:14:19

the concrete is like, there's.

1:14:24

A lady in my neighborhood now who walks a

1:14:27

pitfull every morning in

1:14:29

like slippers. And this

1:14:33

is not tactical in any way, right,

1:14:36

what happens if you just need to do to maneuver

1:14:39

anyway, here's here's her slippers

1:14:42

all over yourself. Yeah that pile does.

1:14:45

Yeah, dogs are so much better.

1:14:48

People takes off in this little car.

1:14:50

Listen, don't have the pit bull people coming for me,

1:14:52

because they'll be like, they take care

1:14:54

of babies, that's what they were raised to do.

1:14:56

I'm like, okay, okay, okay. I love all

1:14:58

dogs. I love all.

1:15:01

I don't

1:15:03

care about the data. I don't care.

1:15:05

I'm not data based. I'm

1:15:07

just cuteness based. No, I don't know that. I

1:15:10

think a lot of them will be like no, buth wah wahs

1:15:12

will bite you more readily. I'm like, yeah, but I

1:15:15

would hawk across a

1:15:18

field.

1:15:21

Yeah I could. I could kick that dog

1:15:24

and let me hold on to

1:15:27

leave you. I

1:15:29

have to say.

1:15:34

Here on the show, we do not condone the

1:15:36

beating or hitting of any dog of any

1:15:39

breed. We love all dogs. This

1:15:41

just in dog violence bad. Thank

1:15:44

you.

1:15:44

I'm just saying I'm not saying you should.

1:15:47

I'm just saying you could. One one

1:15:49

could not you specifically.

1:15:52

Thank you for tuning in to call Chelsea

1:15:54

for ready. This just in, we

1:15:56

don't condone abusive animals of any kind

1:15:59

here on the show, whether big or

1:16:01

small, you should never be violent or

1:16:03

rough with any kind of dog. And we

1:16:06

also do not support bigotry toward

1:16:08

any breed. Over the other we love pit

1:16:10

bulls. Here on the Joe pit bull

1:16:12

owners please refrain

1:16:14

from contacting.

1:16:17

Great and that is a statement as of

1:16:19

December fifteenth, twenty. Great

1:16:22

change of mind from Chelsea Faretti.

1:16:25

A change of mind. Wait a minute,

1:16:28

hey, I

1:16:33

see how you work getting everybody.

1:16:36

To be pity hey, pitting

1:16:38

us against each other. Where do you think they came

1:16:41

from? We got

1:16:43

to end this. What time is it?

1:16:45

Where am I a gaslight? Supreme?

1:16:48

I actually genuinely do have to end this podcast

1:16:51

now it's eleven thirty.

1:16:52

Oh, okay, okay, Well am

1:16:54

I the last caller?

1:16:55

I believe so?

1:16:56

And you know what you

1:17:00

might be? You were the funniest.

1:17:04

Oh, sorry about your story

1:17:08

went down a few ditches. That's

1:17:11

okay.

1:17:12

You were you were a dream. You

1:17:15

really were so fucking

1:17:17

shut that's to all of us.

1:17:20

It's time to end.

1:17:21

Oh too, you want to say we're

1:17:24

glad that you came out of here.

1:17:29

M thank you foil

1:17:33

Oh my god, I missed that. But you know what,

1:17:35

shout out to the iHeart Radio because we

1:17:37

have something that's almost just as

1:17:40

good.

1:17:41

Oh and looking some

1:17:44

more like you. And you've

1:17:46

been looking for somebody

1:17:48

to.

1:17:54

So, you know, beggars can't

1:17:56

be choosers.

1:17:58

But we're here. We are Chelsea.

1:18:01

You are my favorite. I will try

1:18:03

to figure out a legal way to leave you something

1:18:05

in my will.

1:18:06

All right, that's

1:18:09

me and my Honda.

1:18:12

We're glad you're all right after the attack.

1:18:15

Yeah, you found love.

1:18:16

You're a survivor. You know

1:18:19

this is actually do you know that I got an

1:18:22

engineer to build me a

1:18:25

Honda Mercedes Hybrid. This

1:18:28

is me driving off in my Honda

1:18:31

Mercedes Hybrid. What

1:18:38

an app high five? Well,

1:18:41

you know what, we didn't make as many songs up as I

1:18:43

thought we might, But the

1:18:46

truth is we were blessed with some great moments,

1:18:48

some great calls, some great energy.

1:18:52

We really pulled it out of our ass. Yeah,

1:18:56

any closing words you want to say to that music,

1:19:00

We did it, We

1:19:04

did it, We did

1:19:07

it, we did

1:19:10

it.

1:19:11

Yes we have, We've

1:19:17

done it, and

1:19:20

we'll do it again. Maybe

1:19:23

I mean not us, but you know, just

1:19:26

in our lives like separately.

1:19:31

Separately, always

1:19:35

not together, go in our

1:19:37

separate way.

1:19:40

But waving goodbye.

1:19:43

Yesterday and

1:19:46

to tomorrow.

1:19:49

Oh we

1:19:53

hate we did it.

1:19:55

Hate your anger.

1:19:57

Hate hey, hate.

1:19:59

Your rag, Hey, hey

1:20:02

hete your anger.

1:20:04

Hey, We've

1:20:09

done it all.

1:20:11

And we have nothing left to prove.

1:20:15

Or to give, and.

1:20:23

We made the best podcast up

1:20:25

we could ever make.

1:20:28

We did our best, a

1:20:31

perfect take, and

1:20:34

now we're full of haiti aches.

1:20:37

We did it, we

1:20:41

did it, We

1:20:45

did it. Now

1:20:48

goodbye, thanks

1:20:53

well, thank you,