0:00

Collins Cakes! And

0:21

so, today we

0:22

salute all the skeletons over there who

0:25

made peace happen back when I was a teenager,

0:27

dreaming one day of becoming Ireland's bleakest

0:29

neocon reactionary. Also, Belfast

0:32

for Sam. Yay up. What? Hey,

0:35

hey, hey, hey. Pretty good. Here we

0:37

all are again, lads. Yes. Back to consummate

0:39

the fifth anniversary. The fan-y-versary

0:42

of the last time we were here for the Good Friday egregious. Wow.

0:44

Five hell years since the 20th anniversary.

0:47

Ten years previously when we came together to mock

0:49

the important thing that we did that time. Have I been

0:51

at home at all

0:52

since then, I wonder? Well,

0:55

Bill, you look like you've been in a jar of tickled onions

0:57

since 98. Tickled onions.

1:00

Very good. Oh, hi. Sup,

1:02

Prime Minister. I'm Leo, but just call

1:04

me the Taoiseach and Sir thereafter.

1:07

Gosh, Leo, I don't know about you, but I

1:10

feel as though we don't quite belong. Yeah,

1:12

I know exactly. At this convention. Oh, right.

1:15

I thought you were going to say... What? Of course,

1:17

yes. We don't belong compared to these

1:19

old dudes who look like shonky statue

1:21

versions of themselves made from easy singles.

1:24

You mean these veteran heroes are like

1:26

age generals? Oh, yeah. Yes. And

1:28

I suppose we're the young foot soldiers, like at the

1:30

start of Dunkirk where you wonder which ones will survive

1:33

other than Harry Styles. Well, I myself

1:35

am only 42. I presume you are much... WTF? I'm now

1:37

older than the British PM. Jeez,

1:41

it only seems like yesterday I was a young buck playfully

1:43

kicking dust in the faces of the homeless.

1:46

Still, however, if we stand shoulder to shoulder

1:48

in support of the Windsor Framework... The

1:50

only way we can stand shoulder to shoulder, dude,

1:52

is if you stand on a chair. But, yeah,

1:55

whatevs. Right. Well, anyway, I've

1:57

got to go and accept the latest resignation

1:59

of one of my...

1:59

Bully boys Wow and promote some at a

2:02

high office who wasn't even considered fit for

2:04

cabinet when Dory's and Reese Morgan

2:06

in it Oh, yeah, cheers. Thanks. Leave me to try

2:08

and butter up the DUP Sorry, not even my brand

2:10

of cold-hearted conservatism seems to appeal

2:12

to them enough to let me buy a cake from them

2:14

up here dear Hang

2:18

on to your cocktail print stick lads and you

2:21

can spear about three sausages the next

2:23

time to come around Hello gentlemen

2:27

Like an open casting call for the before

2:29

scene and

2:29

adjust for man Who

2:32

would have thought you'd still speak to us after we end of the

2:34

war that you and your friends started Jerry Well, Tony,

2:37

maybe I'll be able to help and the wars

2:39

that you and your friend started My

2:42

war was bigger than yours Richard

2:49

Archer's loads of ham sandwiches, but there's

2:51

no sign of the sausage I'll

2:53

be up every tree in Belfast looking

2:55

for them. Hey, Jesus senator George

2:57

Michael is looking wrecked Mitchell he

2:59

makes

2:59

bill look like a teenager going on a debt

3:02

with a young one This

3:04

time the wife is here somewhere She

3:06

went off to find a bin to put her lettuce

3:08

honorary degree into anyway look

3:11

the still serious work to be done Yeah, yeah,

3:13

we have to restore to devolution to

3:15

a to Hogwarts and come up with a new Seamus

3:17

Heaney poem to tear the arse Oh, right.

3:19

Is it time to decommission the hope and the history

3:21

one? What did it? Oh rhyme anyway? You know history

3:24

rhymes with with blistery Chase

3:26

lads I'm nearly starting to believe Sammy Wilson that

3:28

there's a shortage of sausages up

3:29

here in the seven counties About

3:33

the sausages Keen

3:36

to get a sausage into them I had

3:38

dirty finger good time.

3:41

I can't wait for the 30th anniversary only

3:43

five years lads there might be chicken grugons

3:45

at the next one allegedly

3:59

Gang lads

3:59

And Regency Hotel, the Monk,

4:02

the Molt, Trial of the Century, all the buzzwords

4:04

of the day, our old clickbait, or earbait,

4:07

Paul Williams, Paul Williams, good afternoon to you. Scumbags,

4:10

Joe. Paula Korps, Ireland's only crime

4:12

correspondent, author of several books. All

4:14

of them were the words scum in the title. Go on, go

4:17

on, Paul. One of the consequences of this wonderful,

4:19

wonderful trial in the Special Creme, a veritable

4:22

electric picnic for crime hacks who specialize

4:24

in borderline

4:25

contempt of court podcasts, is

4:27

Treomics, Paul. Bloodbath turf

4:29

wars leave city streets running red. Bang

4:32

to rights, we expose the man behind

4:34

the beard. Sick criminals use children

4:36

as couriers. Joe, these are just some of the headlines

4:39

I will probably now never get to use.

4:41

You're saying I won't be seeing these Splash

4:43

the Grows Me Sunday papers. Line up, Paul,

4:46

for heaven's sake, Trial of the Century, Trial of the Century. We

4:48

can't even call it that anymore, because the true gangland

4:50

Trial of the Century would have ended with the art kingpin

4:52

bang to rights, Joe. Doing

4:54

life alongside narcs and pimps in the scum

4:56

cell where every lag has it on Netflix

4:58

accounts. That sort of thing, you know. Yeah, but

5:01

instead he was found not guilty, Paul.

5:03

Yeah, and a lengthy and complex judgement that held

5:05

the prosecution to account on a number of minor pints.

5:07

So that's no good to me. Yeah, terrible, terrible. Stay in the line,

5:10

Paul. Nicola talent! Joe. Go ahead, Nicola

5:12

talent.

5:12

I've six podcasts to fill.

5:14

What am I going to put in them now? Succession.

5:17

The shocking rise and the dramatic fall

5:19

of the Hutch dynasty. Oh, yeah. That was

5:21

to be six parts, Joe. I'd

5:23

mutter light considering a sponsorship. There

5:25

must be something you can put in the podcast, Nicola. I've

5:27

done an interview with Sosumi discussing

5:30

from tonsure to torture the many hairstyles

5:32

of the monk. But that's only 20 minutes. Sure,

5:35

that's not nearly enough for people out walking

5:37

with their air pods in to get angry

5:39

and spittly and start muttering scum

5:42

at passing strangers. What

5:44

about Dublin Narcos, lads? Maybe something where

5:46

a crime family's fractured when the patriarch is released

5:48

from jail. That's the current series of Kin.

5:50

Well, it's still an outrage, isn't it? An outrage!

5:53

That's about on page seven at Best Joe. What

5:55

I need is monk secret stash will

5:57

keep making millions while he lives in open and open prison.

5:59

For real. I need him to get a cushy

6:01

job in the kitchen to make friends with some crim with a sexy

6:03

nickname Oh my god, the butcher or

6:06

how about the hatchet or the the

6:08

badger bastard? Well, I don't know maybe

6:10

hammer the guards about the fact that they trusted

6:12

a bar and lawyer as their star witness Oh

6:14

Jesus Christ, Joe you mad. Yeah, they're

6:16

good for lying. I suppose aren't they leaking stuff about

6:19

mortars. Wonderful. Wonderful service Okay, what's the top

6:21

crime story then after all this fun is die

6:23

down Paul a man got a haircut and a

6:25

shave That's all we have now Joe

6:27

Nicola

6:28

in the shadows of hysteria We

6:30

work alone. Yeah, it's a disgrace. It's

6:32

an outrage. It's an outrage. Will the streets

6:34

never be unsafe again? back

6:37

on Monday back on Monday, ma

6:38

ma ma ma ma ma

6:43

Protocols were breached screamed

6:46

a report into the botched plan for a 2 million

6:48

euro a year Trinity retirement Jolly

6:50

for Tony hooligan, but what

6:53

rules were breached and who breached them? The

6:55

report doesn't say because it's a government

6:57

commissioned independent report and

6:59

somehow Independent reviewers always

7:02

know how to speak fluent government and

7:04

are never afraid to say it like it isn't Naturally,

7:07

the report has been resting in Stephen Donnelly's office

7:09

for six to nine months without explanation And

7:12

will now be filed down the back of a radiator

7:14

that doesn't work like half the six-figure

7:17

spoofers in his department Robert

7:20

what was the only other person aside

7:22

from st Tony who knew anything about the 10

7:24

million quid plan for the make-up gig in

7:26

TCD What went before

7:28

an Arachtis comedy to scowl

7:31

scoff eyeball and snigger like

7:33

grumpy cat recording a best-of segment

7:36

on YouTube? The civil servant

7:38

took time out from overseeing one of the worst

7:40

health services anywhere to smack

7:42

talk the comedy

7:43

So no no chair,

7:45

I don't accept the findings this report and so

7:47

what you ain't got nothing on me girl

7:50

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I thought everyone knew about

7:52

the job I thought I told them but maybe

7:54

they forgot they've all gone concussions or something

7:56

or they were hacked drunk or whatever

7:59

Look, it's only a million

7:59

here and there. I earn a million like it, three

8:02

years. Half of them spent frowning in here

8:04

defending cock-ups from my department that we are not

8:06

sorry about. So,

8:07

whatever. Yeah.

8:09

About two hours of this smug self-amusement

8:11

was broadcast live on Aractus TV.

8:13

I could have been doing something of more value

8:15

at the time, like measuring my toenails

8:18

or watching fuzzy 480p jackass

8:20

videos from the naughties on Tinternet.

8:23

Stephen Donnelly says he doesn't believe

8:25

the boss of his own department. Well, they

8:27

never say that directly, do they? He merely

8:29

said he believes Meeha Martin's secretary general,

8:32

who said Watts claims that he told her about the

8:34

Holy Tony Trinity money for old rope, were

8:36

holy without foundation. Honey,

8:39

all the foundation in the world couldn't cover

8:41

the smug thunder off Robbie Watts' face.

8:43

Here was Minister Donnelly's contribution.

8:46

So, so, so this is a lesson to

8:48

be learned, exercise, which means we

8:50

haven't even learned the lesson yet after

8:52

a year, and that's great. Everyone acted

8:54

in good faith, great faith. And

8:56

yeah, I'm seriously going to suggest now

8:58

that there's been real accountability here.

9:01

Like, you know, a secretary general went before a committee

9:04

and snarked his way through it, like a happy

9:06

pair doing one of their annual smirk apologies.

9:09

And

9:09

that's a good thing. And so, with

9:11

everyone annoyed and upset and the Department

9:13

of Health still run like a rotting extra

9:15

vision holding out against Wi-Fi, Robert

9:17

Watt saunters into the sunset. The

9:20

price of three TDs or one and

9:22

a half Taoiseachs. He's like one of those Civil

9:24

War guns on sale in the auction houses.

9:26

He can't be fired because he's in

9:28

the permanent government. They're like RT

9:31

political correspondents. We're unquenchable.

9:34

We'll always be here in the future

9:36

when the pouring toxic rain of a nuclear

9:38

winter falls, commentating still

9:41

next to the David Daven Power Memorial

9:43

pothole, jabbering on about tax

9:45

paid gobshites who waffle in

9:47

rooms the colour of sick.

9:49

Mihalahan, we're hiring now

9:51

for AI Prompt Engineers, RTE

9:54

Spews.

10:00

Here's where you are, Saman. Hi Heather, welcome

10:02

to Harris' Heave Hub. What? This is where I

10:04

heal my heart, tearing off tights with my

10:06

tweets. I can't get no sleep. Are you

10:08

on drugs, hey? Certainly not. In fact, drugs

10:11

is one of my buzzwords towards a heave. This

10:13

looks like something at a Star Trek. I'm collating

10:15

all the info data and gossip in the one Heave

10:17

Hub that spews out all the leaks to the media. Nobody

10:20

knows who leaks or why they would leak. We're

10:22

not doing a heave, are we? What? Because

10:24

all the papers say Leo's position is not

10:26

in any danger, which is the opposite

10:29

to what I'm hearing. Well, my systems have updated

10:31

Leo's codename to Heave, who shall not be named.

10:33

Very good. Wait. The opposite to what

10:35

I'm hearing? What are you hearing? Sorry,

10:38

what? What have you heard, Heather? Nothing.

10:40

Are you hearing murmurs? I'm hearing murmurs. I think I'm hearing murmurs.

10:42

What are your murmurs? Wait, what murmurs have you

10:44

heard? Murmurs about

10:46

your man. The lad with the dead eyes

10:48

and his future behind him, who was the only one cheering

10:50

when Joe Biden mentioned the black and tans. Yes,

10:52

indeed. The deserting has even continued. John

10:55

Paul Phelan is the latest to grab the last parachutes.

10:57

Well, he's leaving due to health issues. That's

10:59

a strange euphemism for not wanting to be handed your

11:02

arse at the next election. And of course, Joe

11:04

McHugh and Brendan Griffin want to spend

11:06

more time with their families. Hilarious.

11:09

Nobody was running home to see their kids when the cabinet

11:12

jobs were being handed out like free Johnnys

11:14

at

11:14

rag week. Well, to be fair, none

11:16

of the lads have

11:17

called for Leo to go yet. Well,

11:19

of course not. We're finna gwail. We don't gut people.

11:22

We're not savages. No. We prefer to slowly

11:24

humiliate our leaders until they eventually waddle

11:27

off, embittered and rich. And

11:29

of course, the backbenchers are a wee bit scared.

11:31

A heave might cause an election.

11:33

You mean they fear losing their salaries too early

11:36

at the expenses? Oh, the expenses. And the

11:38

free CTTV cameras that are being

11:40

installed to prevent the bullying from members of

11:42

the public. But won't stop internal party

11:44

bullying, which is always the best and so efficiently

11:47

done. And the free printing and

11:49

the free phones and the free broadband

11:51

and the Erlingus points they secretly use for the

11:53

holidays and the office gigs for relatives

11:55

and the- Yes, yes, yes. We get the picture, but the party is

11:58

disgruntled by things like health and housing.

11:59

And they couldn't give a stylish fork about

12:02

those. What really got their goat was not being invited

12:04

to the Joe Biden dinner in Dublin Castle,

12:06

when Leo filled a table with his spin team

12:08

instead. Yes, his last friends. My

12:10

god Leo really is friendless. He's up shizqueak

12:13

with nothing more but his horrible brown overcoat that doesn't

12:15

fit him anymore. He says it's tan actually

12:18

to go with his black shoes. Blah, blah, blah,

12:20

blockin' tans! Look, you're

12:22

gonna have to find some cannon fodder to attack

12:24

him, Simon, if there's going to be a heave. Why

12:26

Leo used to use Noroc and Michael Darcy

12:28

to make digs about E-Enda? Okay,

12:30

look, I'm inputting the data set that led

12:32

to E-Enda resigning. An opinion poll in February 2017

12:35

found support for the party slump to 25%. That

12:38

was his death warrant. Wow, well 25 points

12:40

is like an impossible dream now. So if I

12:42

input Leo's poll of 15%, by

12:44

the computer's calculations there should be a heave against Leo

12:47

Varankar. When? When? The

12:50

autumn! No, no, February 2020. Ah

12:52

here. Oh dear. Leo says the heave should

12:54

have happened any time during the local general or five

12:56

by-elections that Leo lost. Draft point!

12:59

Right, we'll have to do it the

13:00

old fashioned way so. Enjoy our

13:02

summer on full pay and then? And

13:05

then autumn is full time for Leo.

13:07

Hahaha, death by a thousand leaks. I'm

13:10

important to him, I think I'm important. I look important and soon I can

13:12

be more important. Young

13:15

people, honest to God. Block!

13:30

Guys, welcome to Twitter, let me show you

13:33

guys around. We know our way around, you

13:35

fired and rehired us twice already? Excuse

13:37

me? Man, don't interrupt our fearless leader.

13:40

What? It's an honor sir, my men's rights

13:42

organization would love to have you as a guest speaker

13:44

sometime. Sounds like a pretty good cause.

13:46

Tweet me the invite. Let's start the tour in this abandoned

13:49

library where I sleep. The library? Why

13:51

is it abandoned? The library was a perk for

13:53

staff, I don't believe in perks. Oh, the only perk

13:55

you can expect here is being extremely hardcore

13:57

and working long hours at high intensity. And what's

13:59

the reason? number two I don't believe in stuff you

14:02

don't believe in staff that's why I keep firing people

14:04

and then it turns out I actually can't run a global media platform

14:06

on my own she totally could Elon

14:08

if I've learned anything from you if the humans are expendable

14:11

commodities that's correct I should tweet that

14:13

maybe you should it's also why I'm going to live on Mars oh

14:15

right and you're gonna go there in your new rocket

14:18

yes the crap one that just blew the pieces

14:21

four minutes after launch no no it was a

14:23

success because my rocket was huge yeah so much bigger

14:25

than the Jeff Bezos rocket did you notice that so much

14:27

bigger man so you are actually comparing

14:29

the sizes now yeah because his

14:31

is way bigger than Jeff's uh-huh

14:34

I know all about space stuff yeah pretty cool if there

14:36

were aliens I would be the first to know about it because

14:39

you know about space stuff even though your

14:41

rocket was a piece of shit you're fired from

14:43

space X with immediate effect for disloyalty I'm tweeting

14:45

that I didn't even work in space X I work

14:47

here in Twitter anyway once my AI

14:50

is up and running I'll hopefully be able to fire lots more

14:52

people from all my exploding companies wait didn't

14:54

you just sign a letter last a month asking for a pause

14:56

in the training of AI systems due to potential risks

14:58

to humanity oh

15:01

well that was before I realized how much money I could make

15:03

from it uh-huh exactly and humans are expendable

15:05

keep up dude oh my god exactly

15:08

my truth GPT will be super smart but

15:10

it is gonna be trained to be politically correct and left-leaning

15:12

like the other woke a eyes great so you

15:14

plan on programming a right-wing super intelligence

15:17

I'm sure that's gonna end well for all of humanity

15:19

uh-huh it's gonna be pretty cool but that's why I'm going to

15:21

Mars humanity is doomed on earth just look

15:23

at Italy Italy they're literally running out of

15:25

people in Italy well even if that was

15:27

true immigration could easily he

15:30

means white people they can't be serious

15:32

okay guys thank you I gotta go listen to

15:34

Joe Rogan now to find out what my opinions are

15:36

today yeah your opinions suck man wrong

15:38

you're the goat uh-huh cool so

15:40

long as my goat is bigger than Bezos's

15:49

welcome back we're still waiting on Minister

15:51

for Finance Michael McGraw who seems to be

15:53

running late well actually I'm already

15:55

in studio oh I didn't see you

15:58

hidden away there no I'm right in

16:00

front of you in fact. And I see you've brought

16:02

former Minister for Finance Pascal Dunahue

16:04

along with you. Don't mind me, I'm just here to

16:06

make sure Michael doesn't make any oopsie-whoopsies

16:09

and to flash my dimply-doos should things

16:11

go astray.

16:12

Minister, we're looking at a 16 billion

16:15

euro budget surplus. Where should

16:17

this money be spent? Well... Other

16:20

than vastly bigger pay for the next host of the late

16:21

late. Whoever she may be. It's

16:24

important we don't get too excited about this

16:26

surplus, which is what makes me such a good

16:28

Minister for Finance as it's impossible

16:31

to get excited while listening to my voice.

16:33

So

16:33

where will the money go? Sorry. We

16:36

intend to find the most boring way possible

16:38

to spend the money, which means plenty of talk

16:40

about excise duties, carbon taxes,

16:42

fiscal space, quarterly returns... And

16:45

the rainy day fund, which we don't use

16:47

even though it's been piddling down for over a decade

16:49

now thanks to prudent Pascal's penny-pinching

16:52

poor string.

16:53

So what you're saying is this will be the biggest waste

16:55

of budget since we put Luke O'Neill in a big inflatable

16:57

bubble? It's only a budget forecast layer

17:00

and sure even the weather forecast is often

17:02

wrong. That's why we have sayings like it'll

17:04

be a fine country if you could put a fiscally conservative

17:07

roof on it.

17:07

So you won't be announcing more special support

17:10

measures for people now that ketchup is 5 euro

17:12

a bottle? Or so my researchers tell

17:14

me. No, we'd prefer to wait until budget

17:17

day for any further measures. It's much

17:19

easier to give billions in tax breaks to corporate landlords

17:21

and developers if we say we're putting a 5 euro

17:24

or toppings back in people's pockets at the same

17:26

time.

17:26

Tax breaks for mega-landlords and

17:28

developers. Are they still the only

17:31

ideas the government has?

17:32

I don't think that's fair, Claire. This

17:34

government has been hard at work on a job

17:37

of work to do to develop a third

17:39

idea and I think we're close to achieving that third

17:41

idea.

17:42

And what is this third idea? Sneaky

17:44

secret increases to ministers wages on

17:46

the social pinky partnerships. Hooray!

17:49

Yes, that one. We'll have to leave it there. Thanks

17:52

to Michael McGrath and to Pascal Dunahue

17:54

physically here but mentally already in

17:56

his next job in Europe getting patted on the head.

17:59

Excuse me!

17:59

Excuse me, how dare you! I do not get

18:02

patted on my head. They ruffle my

18:04

hair. I demand an apology.

18:06

And we'll roll the standard Pascal Dunahue

18:08

apology audio after this break. Thank

18:10

you very much.

18:16

Off the ball, on News Jock.

18:18

Brought to you by taking up cycling

18:21

in your 40s and making it your whole

18:23

personality. Yup, yup,

18:25

yup, yup. Yeah, okay guys,

18:28

welcome back to Off the Ball. Joe, how

18:30

are you keeping? Overworked man, overworked.

18:32

How many days a week is this show on God?

18:34

24-7, 365. You're rostered

18:37

Christmas Day by the way. Plus, we've got

18:39

the indistinguishable. Fellas,

18:41

I meant to say well done. You're Kelly Harrington's

18:44

scoop a couple of weeks ago. I don't know,

18:46

that actually wasn't us. No, I think that was one of the other 17 blokes who

18:48

works here. What's his name? Sean,

18:50

was it? Paul, Carl. We

18:53

all sound the same anyway. Alright, lots of

18:55

discuss tonight man, so let's get into Off

18:57

the Banter. Off the Banter,

19:00

brought to you by describing every man

19:02

you meet as an absolute gent.

19:04

I ask going yeah, you are an absolute

19:06

gent actually. Stop it, no you are. No, seriously

19:08

you are man. You're a legend. So yeah,

19:10

the GAA Championships continue

19:13

this weekend with 15 provincial

19:15

fixtures scheduled to take place. Man,

19:17

how are we going to watch all those? Unfortunately, most

19:20

are not even going to be broadcast on free-to-air

19:22

telly. Yeah, so they're only going to be available to stream

19:24

on what's that thing called again? GAAGO?

19:27

No, I meant the dodgy box. What's that called? The dodgy

19:29

box because like GAAGO, come on. 80 quid

19:31

like. I know, they think we're made of

19:34

money man. Come on, money's for bookies. Yeah,

19:36

yeah, a few letters. One of the standout

19:38

ties of course is Davey Fitz's Waterford

19:40

against JP McManus. Sorry, sorry,

19:42

John Kylie's Limerick. What do you reckon guys?

19:45

Ooh! That's

19:49

quality man gasping that. Look it, if

19:51

there were flippant tires in an abandoned industrial

19:53

estate, I'd give Davey half a chance. See

19:55

it as it's whirling. Limerick all the way man. Only

19:58

Limerick. Okay guys, time to get serious.

19:59

with Off the Fence. Off

20:02

the Fence, brought to you by straight

20:04

blokes wearing pink shirts. Look

20:06

at you dismantling gender norms.

20:09

So, protesters have disrupted the Grand

20:12

National World Snooker Championship. What do you

20:14

make of this fallacy? Sometimes you just have to call

20:16

stuff out. I totally agree. Yeah. Yeah. Your

20:18

horse is dying while guys cosplay as Peaky

20:20

Blinders extras and bet money on them. It's not cool,

20:23

you know. Okay, views expressed by Joe

20:25

do not reflect the views of his employer. Off the

20:27

Ball loves and appreciates our betting sponsors.

20:29

Alright, yeah. And finally a word

20:32

on the Irish women's rugby team. Claims

20:34

that the IRFU's attitude to them is that of an

20:36

old boys club. Oh, it's disgraceful. Sickening,

20:39

man. Agree. Agree. It's 2023. I

20:41

mean, how could an organisation be so male-dominated

20:43

in this day and age and view women's sports as

20:46

an afterthought? Yeah. And I'm actually offended. Okay,

20:48

after the break, a quick two-minute error on ladies' football.

20:51

Oh! I mean, any longer and the taxi drivers

20:53

tune out, am I right? Don't worry about it, man. You're an absolute

20:56

gent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

21:11

Alright, let's see what's happening in the fake

21:13

news media today. News

21:15

that Fox has agreed to pay nearly $800 million

21:18

to prevent the defamation trial over its false

21:21

claims regarding the election. Oh boy, Rupert wrote like that. Imagine

21:23

he's 92 now, 92 years of evil. I'm

21:27

sorry we didn't get a big, big trial. It would have

21:29

been nice to expose my former

21:31

lying friends at fake Fox News.

21:33

But dad, that would have revealed Fox didn't believe

21:36

your stolen election theory but just repeated

21:38

to keep the ratings going with all the stoopids

21:40

who were- Quiet,

21:41

Eric! I'm Don Jr., dad.

21:43

Shh. Governor Ron DeSantis is joining

21:45

the anti-trends boycott of Budweiser

21:48

saying he now prefers Guinness in

21:50

a row. Ron DeSantis is boycotting Bud?

21:52

I refuse to drink any beer, any beer,

21:54

long before they did marketing deals with transgenderism.

21:58

Get me a machine gun in a case of- Bud Light,

22:00

my viral video is gonna be huge,

22:03

the big list. But, but, but, but dad, Bud Light's parent

22:05

company's one of the biggest donors to the Republican

22:07

Party. Quiet Barron, Daddy can't

22:09

focus his rage when you keep interrupting.

22:12

I'm not Barron, I'm Don Jr. Ron

22:14

the Sanctus can't even beat Mickey Mouse,

22:17

unbelievable. Now they're having a pride night

22:19

at Woke Disneyland. Sick! Walt

22:22

Disney is rolling in his Nazi cryo chamber,

22:24

believe me, it's true. Elon Musk has said he voted

22:26

for Joe Biden in the last election,

22:29

which of course

22:29

is gonna be a lot of fun. Wrong! Elon

22:32

Musk voted for me, it's true. E-Wrong-Musk, that's too

22:34

like, wrong the Santa's

22:36

isn't it? Elon Muck, that's a much better

22:39

nickname. He's just cozying up to Sleepy

22:41

Joe cause he needs subsidies for all his failing

22:43

companies, unbelievable. I gotta remove

22:46

him from Truth Social. Ah dad, he's not

22:48

on that, he's on Twitter, like obviously.

22:50

Be quiet Tiffany, okay, go find your

22:52

hotter sister. Dad! I'm

22:54

gonna interrupt Daddy's TV time. I'm Don Jr.,

22:57

I'm not your daughter. Shh shh shh shh. We'll

22:59

find you a husband

22:59

later sweetie, maybe a blind one. Senator

23:02

Mitch McConnell returns to the Senate after a

23:04

month long absence, falling a head injury.

23:07

Asked if he was comfortable that his party's top candidate

23:09

is charged with a felony, he said I may have

23:11

hit my head, but I didn't hit it that

23:13

hard. What a backstabber, we should call him

23:16

Snitch McConnell. Yeah, snitches

23:18

get stitches, especially when they keep falling over

23:20

cause they're too old and decrepit. He

23:22

and Muck Schumer need to be jailed.

23:25

That's really good. That's too like Elon Muck.

23:27

Am I running out of nicknames and words already? I know

23:29

all the

23:29

best words. What else rhymes

23:32

with Chuck? Um. Oh I

23:34

know, fuck. You can't call him that pops, honestly. Jared

23:36

get out of here, go find your hot wife and ask

23:38

her to rejoin my inner circle. I'm dad,

23:41

I am not. Oh there you are Don Jr., where

23:43

you been? Oh I- Listen I got a job for

23:45

you, really a big job. Really? You're

23:48

gonna be my food taster tester in prison.

23:50

Ever. Against the ombres, the bad

23:53

ombres try to poison me. That would be an

23:55

honor, I love you pops. Yeah

23:57

yeah yeah yeah, be quiet I can't get a moment's peace

23:59

around here.

23:59

with all you kids interrupting

24:02

me. Tremendous interruptions. Sorry, sir.

24:04

Shut your keister. ["The

24:05

Star-Spangled

24:08

Banner"] ["The

24:12

Star-Spangled Banner"] Oh, here's the bet.

24:14

I don't think other parties had any cancers waterboarding

24:17

other people. Oh, that's very good. We'll

24:19

play it again. Yes, can't you? Excuse

24:21

me? Well, what are you all watching there?

24:23

Nothing, baby Lou. Ah, it's just

24:25

a silly viral video. What viral video? Watch the

24:27

epic moment this news anchor totally owns spluttering

24:30

politicians. OK,

24:32

yeah, very funny. I got McCullidge on

24:35

the sixth one. You did. I forgot he only comes

24:37

to life when he's interviewing a shinner or the

24:39

Russian ambassador. I'm

24:40

sure his McCullibots were creaming

24:42

themselves over it on Twitter. I know.

24:45

You've done it again, David. Don't

24:47

make me puke. Get the word out to David,

24:49

yeah? That if he does that again,

24:52

I'll sue him. Roger that. Fair enough,

24:54

hey. This doddle stuff is the last

24:56

thing I need after the spice bag saga.

24:58

I mean, two six one appearances in two

25:00

weeks. Who am I? Pete Lunn. At

25:03

least the special criminal court found doddle to be as honest

25:05

and reliable as a Dublin bus that says it's going to be here

25:07

in two minutes. Do you know, actually, I have a soft

25:10

spot for the special crime court now. Might

25:12

even go full blown Fianna Fáil and vote for

25:14

its renewal this year. Party policy

25:16

is neither to oppose or object to its renewal

25:19

boss. Careful, Pierce. You might get piles

25:21

if you keep sitting on that fence. Well, at least

25:23

I had some respite this week getting to

25:25

mingle and get my fosho taken

25:27

with the decomposing present that

25:29

is Bill Clinton. Sorry, Bill Clinton.

25:32

Has the doddle debacle not taught you anything

25:34

about getting your photograph taken with problematic figures?

25:36

Relax the caxon. What? Actually, now that you

25:38

say it, the doddle debacle? Sounds

25:41

like one of those books Bill allegedly writes

25:43

with James

25:43

Patterson. I must text that

25:46

to him. It'll be allowing. Who else

25:48

was in Belfast? Also, I met Junior

25:50

Sullivan from CNN. Now, there is a nice,

25:52

polite young man. David McCullough

25:54

could learn a lot from him about manners and

25:57

decorum. Anyway, is that everything?

25:59

at all from this gangland unpleasantness.

26:02

If you're looking for something to watch, I know a comedy

26:04

about a police detective with OCD. Oh

26:07

yeah, what's it called Louise? Monk. Ah.

26:10

Ah ha. Ah ha. Ah

26:12

ha. Yeah, yeah, hilarious. Listen, I have

26:14

to head as well. Okay. I need to buy a

26:16

new cage for my pet rabbit. What? There's

26:18

a word for them, what is it? A hutch. Ah ha ha ha ha

26:20

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Right,

26:23

yeah, laugh it up everyone. You're

26:25

all getting deselected and replaced by unvetted

26:27

MMA fighters with fathers in the next selection,

26:29

yeah? People's t-shirts

26:32

are marked. Slump. Scorm

26:36

bags, Joe. Joe.