0:12

Colin's Cakes!

0:17

Ugh! Another pint of plain me old

0:19

flour. There he is, Minister! Hi

0:21

Minister, why are we in a filthy pub? Ah,

0:24

the spin team to the stars. Quentin,

0:26

Polly, how are you? Me local gargler. The

0:29

Scaldy Jacks, welcome. Sorry man, we

0:31

work in PR. We don't even know old man crotchy

0:33

pubs as hipster reboots. They don't

0:35

even have board games here. Oi lads,

0:38

great news on the homeless stats, wah? Great

0:40

news? The figures are nearly at the dreaded 12,000. Also,

0:43

they're not even the homeless figures. That's just

0:45

what the media called them because emergency

0:47

accommodation figures is too long for them to

0:50

type out on a Friday of a bank holiday.

0:52

Exactly, nobody knows the figures. That's

0:54

why it's a good job we slow them out on

0:56

Fridays like we're selling skunk on the Liffey

0:58

Boardwalk. Yeah, but the figures were before

1:00

the lifting of the eviction ban so next month's

1:03

are gonna be... Career ending? Eh,

1:05

buried on the Friday of a June bank holier,

1:07

you mean. Come on. Dude, once upon a

1:09

time we were spinning numbers to prevent them hitting the symbolic

1:12

10k high mark. 10k! The

1:14

own Murph's day seemed like a disaster

1:17

at the time but I actually feel like an old summer

1:19

dream now. I know. I getches.

1:21

We need to fandango how's your fad

1:23

of the figures to bring them down for next month,

1:25

yeah? But we already don't include anyone homeless

1:28

in direct provision. Ukrainians,

1:30

people in tents, people living in cars, boats.

1:32

Alright, alright. Couch surfers. Kitchen

1:35

table surfers. Or bathtub surfers

1:37

or footpath surfers. What if we split

1:39

up the figures? What? Yeah, one said it's emergency

1:42

accommodation the other one is interim

1:44

accommodation. That's what I've done with housing for all

1:47

you. Cut it

1:47

up like a saucy samba with the crusts off and

1:49

the sauce dripping out so nobody can tell

1:52

which bit has cold saucy in it or not. They're

1:54

all confused. That's gross man but

1:56

also not bad. Anyway, who exactly is counted

1:58

in those figures we have to slip? and slide into Freud

2:01

evens like a snot off a slate. Well, any homeless

2:03

living in a hotel, B&B, family

2:06

hub. Maybe we could set a time of the day when the homeless

2:08

are counted for that month. Like, during

2:10

the school run. I mean, if they're out, they're

2:12

out with the figures. No, no, Minister, we can't.

2:15

Already when it goes out with a hotel for smoke, bang!

2:17

No longer counted. I think

2:20

it would. Anyone who visits an early house inside

2:22

any time in the month, hey, that's a house! No

2:24

longer homeless, boom! Dara

2:27

gets it done. Just how I got Roddy

2:29

Doyle barred from

2:29

the Scaldy Jacks. Roddy Doyle used to

2:32

come here? Seriously? No, no,

2:34

no, he never did. But he's barred! From

2:36

being a sap, highlighting homeless in hotels!

2:39

I see. Right! That was a lot

2:41

of hard work done, lads. I'm off to stand outside

2:43

a chip van and do selfies with Howie is, who

2:45

only vote for me because they think I'm columniney.

2:48

Layers! So what do you think, Paul?

2:51

The post eviction ban figures. Oh, that

2:53

spooker's a dead man walking. One hondo,

2:56

one hondo.

2:57

This is Claire Byrne's voicemail, or

2:59

AI Claire Byrne,

3:03

if you will, which will never be

3:04

as bright as me. I only miss 0.5% of calls,

3:07

and I'm working on improving that. But I can't

3:10

come to the phone right now because I'm busy

3:12

ruling myself out of television projects that are,

3:14

quite frankly, beneath me. I'm Arlen's

3:16

smartest. I'm Claire Byrne.

3:18

Leave a message after my funky jingle.

3:31

Lovely Claire. Well

3:33

done on the brave decision to announce

3:35

you're stepping back from being considered for

3:37

a job that you probably weren't getting anyway.

3:40

It's the patriarchy genuinely,

3:42

but you still have your little radio

3:45

show, and I love how you've made it nice

3:47

and light. Wait, wait,

3:50

what was I

3:50

gonna say? Oh yeah, if

3:51

you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I

3:54

can always, you know, scooch down. I

3:56

feel like I'm doing a curtsy, so you can reach

3:58

my shoulder. Although I-

3:59

I'd never actually do a curtsy since I'm

4:02

such a Republican, but a lovely

4:04

Republican who only believes in

4:06

presidencies. Bye

4:09

lovely player! Boonful

4:11

of a... ha ha! CB, it's Archie

4:14

here. Well done and a great decision to

4:16

step away from the show! Yeah!

4:19

It's a real wrecker. Oh, I can't wait to be done

4:21

with it. I never have to make another bed with

4:23

Francis Brennan on live television. I never

4:26

have to see another god-awful cultie or

4:28

listen to Daniel O'Dawg. Ugh! Also,

4:30

I hate jelly babies or beans. I can't remember which one

4:33

I pretend I liked. Ha ha! I'm letting

4:35

myself go! Also, give

4:37

a Noel K. a ring, won't you? Honestly, be

4:39

crying non-stop all week, poor man. With

4:42

you, Katrina, he only runs 95%

4:44

of all the talent now. Ha ha!

4:47

Toodles!

4:48

A.I. Claire, this is real Claire.

4:50

Just a quick reminder to rule yourself out

4:52

of replacing Katrina Perry on 6-1. Also,

4:55

don't forget you're going zorbing with Luke O'Neill

4:57

tomorrow morning. And it's probably time to stop

4:59

watching Katie Hannon and taking notes. Destroy

5:02

notes. Destroy this message. Claire,

5:04

out.

5:09

To the sound of wind, the Saints

5:11

go marching in and without a trace of irony,

5:14

the former President of the United States

5:17

arrived in Doonbeg, where he

5:19

received a warm welcome from grateful

5:21

staff on short-term contracts.

5:23

Thank you. Thank you so much. Begley.

5:26

We'd like to welcome you, Mr. President. But

5:28

these musicians are the Quilty Men's,

5:30

Shades, Wednesday group. What? They made

5:32

the instruments themselves out of old lawnmowers.

5:35

Sure. When do I get to see some Irish

5:37

sugar booby collies?

5:39

Later, at the former President's

5:41

invitation, the Hell in a Handcart

5:43

troupe of Irish dancers performed

5:46

a special tribute. But, Desi, this

5:48

is more like it. All those young daughters

5:51

bouncing up and down. Such a positive

5:54

message. Now, these immigrants

5:56

I would welcome with open, tiny

5:59

fingers.

5:59

The Doonbeg

6:02

Trump site has been a huge boost for the local

6:04

economy, with hundreds of journalists regularly

6:07

dropping in to file pieces on the resort's

6:09

massive financial losses. Local

6:12

people were delighted the former president

6:14

had come to call.

6:15

He's as welcome here as

6:18

any other statue floating, taxifying,

6:20

rabble-rousing, twice-impeached American

6:22

tourist accused of sexual offences. That's

6:25

right. And shall anyone visiting here?

6:27

We don't ask them at

6:28

all about their background or their politics.

6:31

That's none of our business. And he's

6:33

good for business, didn't he, Colin? One time

6:35

there to the landest. Oh, wait, no, that was

6:37

another fellow with a toupee. While the people

6:40

who lined the streets to support the former president

6:42

were about 27,000 shy of

6:45

the number that greeted Joe Biden in Balina

6:47

a fortnight ago, there was a certain symmetry

6:49

to the six colourful supporters willing

6:52

to overlook the January 6th

6:54

insurrection riots. America!

6:56

America, Mr President! USA! Hey,

6:59

make the minister! USA! Hashtag

7:01

RT Boyus George Soros! I remember West share

7:03

shoe-a-nand! Of the queue! West share shoe-a-nand!

7:06

Of the queue! Of the queue! The

7:09

same! The same! Though unfortunately, due

7:11

to his delayed arrival, the president missed

7:13

a planned meeting with a local group on

7:15

coastal erosion, who had hoped to discuss

7:18

measures to prevent Trump's bigly development

7:20

from making West Clare fall into the sea.

7:23

But back at the resort, the former president

7:25

had nothing but praise for the Irish

7:27

government.

7:28

And

7:50

with that it was time for the former president

7:52

to be whisked off in a golf buggy to

7:54

whack his balls into the Atlantic from

7:57

this side. Plastic

7:58

sheeting absinthe. Absolutely off

8:01

my turf from the United States

8:03

of Claire.

8:10

We are great. We are united.

8:13

We are the sons and daughters of the cousins

8:15

who refuse to resist each

8:18

other. We are ready to reclaim

8:21

our place as the most powerful nation

8:23

on earth. This coronation

8:26

weekend, we are Britain

8:28

and we are back. It

8:31

is our divine and solemn duty

8:33

to declare allegiance to the coronation

8:35

of a 74 year old man in

8:37

a dress doing medieval things

8:40

with whale oil while outside

8:42

our police struggle to keep the drunken

8:44

mobs at bay. This United

8:46

Kingdom or England, let's just say

8:49

England from now

8:49

on shall we, has never been in a

8:51

better place. I mean literally

8:54

on the map we haven't moved at all, which

8:56

is reassuring in an age of collapsing

8:58

living standards, a royal family in

9:01

disarray, unpleasantness at Dover,

9:03

shortages of letters, an increasingly fascistic

9:06

police state and Piers Morgan still

9:08

on the television. But Brexit,

9:10

yes, a whole new world

9:13

of opportunities, coming soon,

9:15

any day now, eventually,

9:18

honestly, just you wait and see.

9:19

Few more years, perhaps decades,

9:22

I don't know, do you know? Rishi sure doesn't

9:24

sound like he knows. I'm thrilled to announce

9:27

we've signed new trade deals with Madagascar,

9:30

Micronesia and Myanmar

9:32

and without Brexit these deals would simply

9:35

not be possible. Also America,

9:37

if you're listening, can you return my calls on the

9:39

trade deal please? I know you've seen my

9:42

WhatsApps, the blue ticks means you've read

9:44

the messages, you've read it. Britain

9:46

is brave. We've not only exited Europe, we've

9:48

also left our position

9:49

as the fifth largest economy in the

9:51

world. We're behind India now, but

9:54

only because we colonise them so efficiently,

9:56

so it's a British success. France

9:59

is close to the end. of putting us into seventh I see. Well,

10:02

that's thanks to British holiday makers

10:04

who are rather struggling to get through the channel

10:07

these days. Still, Britain wins

10:09

by every measure. Life expectancy

10:11

is falling here for the first time in decades

10:14

and so quickly a reboot of Last of the Summer

10:16

Wine will feature chaps in the 40s.

10:19

What an opportunity to finally die

10:21

young when you've real English pluck.

10:24

Reassure yourselves Britons with

10:26

the words of wisdom from some of the many

10:29

great

10:29

Prime Ministers, some who last

10:32

whole weeks in office. I think it's very important

10:34

for me to say that I did not have

10:37

sexual relations with that

10:39

pig. I was simply... That

10:41

Peppa Pig world is a fantastic

10:43

success and I certainly did not party

10:46

like a porker. It was a work meeting.

10:48

I like to say things like pork

10:51

markets. United Kingdom

10:53

pork exports to the European Union have

10:55

fallen 87% in just one year. Beef

10:58

has also fallen by 92%. Actually,

11:00

forget about the words of wisdom. Remember the

11:02

words of great English poets. To

11:05

err is human, to forgive divine,

11:08

to admit those errors is not

11:11

British. This royal throne

11:13

of kings, this septic isle, this

11:15

earth of empty shelves, this seat

11:18

of rising child poverty, this blessed

11:20

plot

11:21

to cull workers' rights and taxes on the rich,

11:23

this earth, this realm of countries

11:25

increasingly leaving to become republics, this

11:28

shriveled England. Yes,

11:30

our rivers may flow with excrement,

11:33

but it's British excrement, a

11:35

land of hope and glory and

11:38

a touch of open racism in the home

11:40

office. But cleverly disguised in

11:42

backlashes to Gary Lineker tweets

11:44

and still burly a sign

11:46

of lettuce. Well done

11:49

Britain.

11:51

And seriously America, if

11:53

you are listing... Oh stop it Risha, you're just

11:55

embarrassing yourself now love. Oh...

12:03

What's

12:12

up diary?

12:12

It's me. I know I haven't

12:14

written in ages but I was busy. Being Thich.

12:17

Being popular. But now, now

12:19

you're my only friend diary. All my

12:21

allies have left me, including the ones I was only

12:23

starting to remember the names of as I stared

12:25

past them with my resting rich face.

12:28

Was there a John Paul in there? Imagine

12:30

being named in honour of a hump someone had

12:32

when the Pope came in the 70s to say Mass

12:34

and shuffle grubby priests around. I

12:37

think there was also a Joe and some other turf

12:39

munchers and Bullock Buddies who looked

12:41

like they wash once a week using a yard brush

12:43

and a hose. You know, the ones who fanboy

12:46

all over Heather Humphries.

12:47

How can she be so popular?

12:49

She actually likes talking to other humans and

12:52

not judging them entirely on whether they can be useful

12:54

in future six figure corporatism gigs whilst

12:57

penning the odd shiz stirring column about

12:59

how the black and tans are ledges. I

13:01

can't wait. Right now I'm

13:03

looking at a photo of Simon Harris opening a

13:05

new Garda Control Centre surrounded

13:07

by cops like he's the mayor in some Batman

13:10

movie. So even the dude who

13:12

looks like he was drawn by someone when their pen was

13:14

running out of ink is considered cooler than

13:16

your amazeballs Thich.

13:18

Being this gloomy on 200k a year

13:20

takes some doing diary.

13:22

I'm in a 200k hole. But

13:25

Leo term 2.0 is a real drag.

13:28

I haven't even written a single letter to a celebrity

13:30

yet. And who's in town anyway? Bruce

13:33

Springsteen? Ugh. Singing about

13:35

glory days just reminds me of my own.

13:38

The only thing I had to worry about was what

13:40

novelty socks to wear when jogging with Justy

13:42

Trudeau. Or which movie to reference

13:44

when I felt like embarrassing myself abroad. But

13:47

in a totes adorbs nerdy way that

13:49

those tweeting journos would cream themselves

13:51

over. Glory days. Not

13:54

even sure I'll bother popping over to Eurovision.

13:56

Too close to home man.

13:58

Liverpool has a wall above Shineral.

13:59

and it's probs full

14:02

of young voters angry at me for selling off

14:04

their lifetime prospects of shelter to multinationals

14:07

horny for tax breaks.

14:09

Anyway,

14:10

summer's coming, I'll be putting in some

14:12

serious 12 hour weeks until

14:14

the swamp donkeys finally realise they face

14:16

a good pattern rabbiting in the next elects. And

14:19

so comes the Heave Diary, and

14:21

the sweet, sweet release of political

14:24

mortification. Low

14:26

pension.

14:32

Welcome back to the News at One Sport Now. And

14:34

a sure sign that we're coming into silly season

14:36

is that there's suddenly a stupid number of games to be

14:38

played in the GAA football contest.

14:41

Well actually, it's... I know

14:43

it's not called that, but I refuse to call anything which people

14:45

get overexcited about. Wes Meath, a championship.

14:48

And Des, why are there so many matches? Yeah, there

14:50

are a lot of games around. In fact,

14:53

it's very referee in every game to be played

14:55

in football championships, but you know, the end of July

14:57

were laid out end to end. I

15:00

wouldn't be at all surprised. Indeed, stranger things have

15:02

happened. Like a supposed knockout competition

15:05

that has already played 25 games,

15:07

but still somehow has 32 counties left in it. Yeah,

15:10

no, there's actually only 16 counties

15:13

that can now win the Sam Maguire this year. Well,

15:15

there's three at a push. And anyway, why'd

15:17

I have to sit through scores of them while people hushed me

15:19

the radio canteen on Tuesday? Well, the

15:22

other 16 counties are now in the

15:24

Toulton Cup double. Of course they

15:26

are. I forgot the GAA Championship is like Hotel

15:28

California. You can check out

15:30

any time you like, but you can never leave. So

15:32

what happens after all these teams have played each other, Des?

15:35

The winners in each group go through to some sort

15:37

of final stages, I presume. Well, actually,

15:39

the top three in every group progresses

15:41

and then... Sorry, the top three, but

15:43

there's only four teams in each group. No, erm, yeah, yeah.

15:46

So

15:48

they play, hang on, 24 games

15:50

in order to eliminate just four teams.

15:53

Yeah, but fans will get to travel all

15:55

over the country, especially for the neutral venue

15:57

round, which is... Basically, the only winners here are

15:59

Apple...

15:59

green filling stations, filling GAH

16:02

fans up on carbs and energy drinks

16:04

while the only energy they expel is on the walk

16:06

from the car to the deli counter. Yeah,

16:08

they do a very good coleslaw there though. And

16:10

don't forget about the 24 games in the Toulton

16:13

Cup as well. Oh god, if only I could. So

16:15

what does the winner of that competition get? Well here's

16:18

the beauty, the winner of the Toulton Cup gets to play in

16:20

the top tier next year. What?

16:23

So Westmees, last year's winner, are in the top tier this

16:25

year. See? So they win the right to

16:27

be slaughtered, just like in the old championship

16:29

format this whole spaghetti junction shaped mess

16:32

was designed precisely to avoid.

16:34

Well done GAA. Anyway Westmees

16:37

are in group 2 where they'll play Tyrone and

16:39

the winner of either Galway or Sligo and

16:41

Derry or Arma. They probably should have waited until

16:43

the provincial finals were played to make the draw

16:45

on fairness. Yes, at the moment there are

16:47

more permutations in there than there are unstable

16:49

countries in the Eurovision Song Contest. Well at

16:52

least we've learned that the Toulton Cup isn't much of

16:54

a prize. But Westmees will

16:56

only have to not lose once and they'll

16:58

have a reasonable chance of progressing. To

17:00

the final? No, to the preliminary

17:03

quarter-final in which the... Okay I have to

17:05

stop you there Dez, I'm afraid I've run out of patience

17:07

and time and everything. Coming up, Chat

17:10

GPT and Google Bard put together

17:12

attempt to explain the hurling championship.

17:15

Oh

17:15

yeah, no, quiet.

17:28

Hello, welcome to the Dev McWilliams Podcast

17:30

with me, Dev McWilliams, economist

17:32

and middle aged man with a quiff that's 20 years

17:35

younger. And also me, Jon. Who I like

17:37

to call sounding board Jon. Yeah,

17:39

because I occasionally ask a pre-scripted question

17:41

and then I ooh and ah at Mac's brilliant

17:44

answers. Here Mac, I was just wondering what

17:46

is going on with all the money people are saving

17:49

these days. Well here's a completely off

17:51

the top of my head answer Jon. Yeah. You

17:54

had a burger, okay? A delicious burger but

17:56

instead of eating it, you buried it in your back

17:58

garden. That would be crazy, right? Right?

18:00

Insane, yeah. Now imagine your

18:02

name was Barry, and you had a brand new car,

18:05

but instead of driving the car, Barry buried

18:07

it in his back garden. That would be mad.

18:09

Totally mad. Well that's what people are effectively

18:12

doing with all the money they're saving. The people

18:14

who I like to call the Barry Barry

18:16

Kids. Ahh. What we need to do is spend

18:19

our way back to another Celtic Tiger. Remember

18:21

how many TV shows I had back then? Yeah. Decklanders,

18:23

the Pope's Children, Breakfast Roll Man. I

18:26

can do it again, but people have to start spending

18:28

all that delicious cash.

18:29

Ooh. But also, you don't want telly,

18:32

you want podcasts on Patreon nowadays.

18:34

Indeed, subscribe to the new Dev Mark Williams

18:37

Patreon,

18:38

patronise.com. Ooh. Oh

18:40

sorry, I already did that one. So right now

18:42

we're dealing with a fellow I like to call Prudent

18:44

Paddy. Wow. Prudent Paddy saved

18:47

up all his money during Covid. Now he needs

18:49

to start spending it. Yeah. On things

18:51

like books, and festivals, and...

18:54

Book festivals, Mac. Now you're

18:56

getting it, John. Fast learner, I'm excited

18:59

about a big, big whopper announcement

19:01

for the Dorky Book Festival that has been giving me a

19:04

woody all day that would really

19:06

make a splash. Because

19:08

the burbs of Dorky are

19:10

in for a real treat. I think I know where this is going.

19:12

It's Tom. Bono! Oh. My

19:15

friend Bono. I thought it was... And we've another

19:17

exciting speaker to announce. Here we go. You really

19:19

gotta catch him if you can. Or

19:22

Dorky, we have a problem. I think

19:25

I know where this is going, Mac. It's... The

19:27

Edge! What? And

19:29

he'll be chatting with Brian Cox. Ooh,

19:32

the Star of Succession. Wow. No, no, no,

19:34

the much more interesting, geeky scientist, Brian

19:36

Cox. Oh, oh, the cheaper

19:38

one. What about Tom Hanks,

19:40

Mac? I thought Tom Hanks was coming. Yes, he is coming too,

19:42

but Bono and I have already given away all those tickets to

19:44

our cronies and stooges. What? Can

19:46

I get a ticket? Surely I... And I'm afraid

19:48

we've run out of time. Mac! Buy more

19:50

stuff, people. Subscribe. Like.

19:53

I'm David McWilliams, and this has been the David

19:55

McWilliams podcast. Anyway, tickets for festivals are

19:57

a real money pit. Oh, no. I'd rather

19:59

be...

19:59

cast away. Now. You

20:02

disappoint me. You disappoint

20:02

me. Hi

20:10

ladies. Hi Shifra.

20:12

Girls. Enjoying the sunshine? Gorge,

20:15

isn't it? Almost as nice as the Maldives

20:18

were last week. So jealous. I

20:20

can't fly anymore because of the eco

20:23

guilt, but good for you Eva. Well,

20:25

they're going to be underwater in like five

20:27

years, so now's the time. They really need

20:29

that tourism cash. It was a charity

20:32

trip really. You got such a good colour.

20:35

Excuse me. You still see colour

20:37

Shifra? Oh, sorry. Must

20:39

be

20:39

my screen settings. So

20:41

who's going to throw the first garden party?

20:44

I've been pottering away getting mine ready

20:46

for weeks. So nice to have the time

20:48

to potter. I just love it. Getting

20:51

my hands dirty. Weeding. Who

20:54

decides what's a weed and what's not? Who

20:57

do you think, Oyla? Men.

20:59

Name me a famous gardener that isn't

21:01

a straight white man named Dermot. I actually

21:03

follow a lady gardener on Insta.

21:06

God, don't say lady

21:08

garden. Those

21:09

poor little weeds, living their lives,

21:11

suddenly uprooted and tossed aside

21:14

just because they don't conform to some Dermot's

21:16

botanical beauty standards. So

21:18

sad. No, I don't decide

21:21

based on appearance. I encourage the native

21:23

species and remove the invasive non-natives.

21:26

My God, can you hear yourself? You

21:28

sound like Nigel Farage. Tell

21:31

me you didn't cut your grass. Yeah?

21:34

What about the bees, Shifra? The

21:36

poor bees. Not the

21:38

bees.

21:39

Oh no. I'll get some wildflower

21:41

seed bombs. Solving violence with

21:44

violence. Doesn't that just say everything

21:46

about our human hegemony? I don't have a head. I

21:49

passed Oyla's garden the other day. Looks like you've

21:52

been rewilding. As nature

21:54

intended. Did nature intend that

21:56

broken patio furniture to sit there all year? It's cold and...

21:59

insect hotel. Fully booked by

22:02

the looks of things. Um, rude.

22:04

So anyway, tell us about your amazing

22:07

garden, since apparently ours have

22:09

been ruled out. Um, three

22:11

patio heaters, brand new evoker blankets, full

22:13

canopy, festoon lights, outdoor projector with screen,

22:15

fibre broadband. That does sound nice.

22:18

That sounds like indoors. That's not

22:20

a garden party. I have four cases

22:22

of that, that's shut enough we like. To

22:25

be honest, we can just sit inside and

22:27

look out at the garden. Oh,

22:29

gorge.

22:29

Sounds amazing,

22:32

girls. Gorge, Clinney. See

22:34

you then, my besties. See you then.

22:37

Mwah! Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye,

22:39

bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Chow, chow. MUSIC

22:43

PLAYS Oh,

22:48

toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot,

22:50

toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot. Ha

22:52

ha ha, yes,

22:52

indeed. Marching in the morning here, coming to you

22:54

live from a travel lodge in Liverpool, ahead

22:57

of Eurovision, one week to go, the city

22:59

is as grey and decrepit as Rupert Murdoch's

23:01

unmentionables. Ha, ha, that was a bit vulgar,

23:04

I do apologise. Must be the Scousers

23:06

rubbing off on me. Lovely people, but very

23:08

uncouth, dear God. Even the seagulls

23:10

here have an air of June Rogers about them. Ha

23:12

ha, but I digress. Eurovision,

23:14

of course, is in Liverpool. 37 countries

23:17

taking part, but no Russia. Shame,

23:19

really, as the Russian delegation used to be great crack

23:21

altogether. There'll be 27 of them in the commentary

23:24

booth, tapping the BBC phones. Ha

23:26

ha ha. A tad evil, I'm afraid,

23:28

but good crack nonetheless. You wouldn't be borrowing a

23:30

Brawley off them if you catch my drift. Naughty

23:33

Marty weighing in on chemical assassination.

23:36

Anyway, our entry is wild youth,

23:38

who are about as wild and youthful as an RTE Gold

23:41

Christmas party. Unless you think moisturising

23:43

daily and drinking kombucha is wild.

23:46

Anyway, the song is We Are One, which

23:48

is about how we are all the same despite our

23:50

differences. Oh, I didn't realise

23:52

AI was already writing the songs. Oh,

23:55

ho, ho, ho. Now, other contenders

23:57

include Finland. Please, God, they

23:59

don't win.

23:59

Marty doesn't fare well in Helsinki, oh no. If

24:02

I wanted to see that many sad goths, I'd

24:04

go to Fiverr McGee's of a Tuesday. Oh,

24:07

Sweden are the favourites and it seems Ukraine are not

24:09

getting the sympathy vote again. Allowing them

24:11

to win last year and then properly giving it to England

24:13

is about as far as the gays are willing to go for

24:16

the war effort. Thank you very much. Oh, controversial.

24:19

Never trust a Brawley, boys. That's what I say. Anyway,

24:22

I'm off to have a sip of Baileys. Start as

24:25

you mean to go on, Marty. And I'll see

24:27

you next Tuesday. Oh dear, how

24:29

uncouth

24:29

I'm scousing again. Now,

24:32

altogether, tonight, we

24:35

are one. Dear, oh dear.

24:44

Right,

24:45

dear boy, you can do this. I

24:47

child in the presence of God. Bird

24:50

grills, posh, spice, ant

24:53

and or deck. Swear that I...

24:56

Blast, what is the stinking lie, darling?

24:59

A faithful Protestant, dear. Faithful

25:01

Protestant, yes, yes, yes. Yada, yada, yada.

25:04

Then this is the bit where I disroove

25:06

behind a curtain for the Archbishop. Do

25:08

oil my bosom while my firstborn

25:11

watches?

25:11

No, the next bit is where all your subjects

25:14

are ordered to... Sorry, invited to

25:16

swear true allegiance to you and your peers

25:18

in front of the television. So

25:20

help the God. My peers,

25:23

my peers. That includes Andrew,

25:25

the puke of York. Technically, yes,

25:28

my boobah. Well, isn't it a bit...

25:31

I mean, we're asking... Inviting. Inviting,

25:33

inviting millions of commoners to swear

25:35

allegiance to Epstein's

25:37

BFF. A bit distasteful, even

25:40

though we'll all be there wearing our weight

25:42

in looted

25:43

jewels. I simply don't want

25:45

to be egged again, my dear. No, no, no, the Tories

25:47

aren't par. They pass new laws that allow

25:49

the police directly to contact Andrew

25:52

Monicus. You know, the iceberg shaggers

25:54

and such a determined... I mean, inform

25:56

them of the special penalties for the day. What

25:59

about these...

25:59

I've heard stories about the palace conspiring

26:02

to hide my sausage fingers from

26:04

portraits. Darling, if anyone throws an

26:06

egg at you, we can always chuck those five

26:09

sausages right back. How's that for

26:11

a full English? Yeah,

26:14

bravo. Anyway, right, back

26:16

to it. What's the next bit? Well, you put

26:18

on your grandpa George's coronation

26:21

glove, you see? And they've

26:23

made the fingers a bit roomier,

26:26

have they? Significantly, yes, yes.

26:28

Good, because I don't want to look like that O.J.

26:31

Simpson fellow struggling to squeeze his hand

26:33

into a glove while the world watches. Darling,

26:35

pull yourself together. You don't want to make

26:37

a fool of yourself. No, no, no, no. When you're

26:40

travelling in a carriage made from solid gold,

26:42

wearing a hat full of diamonds and a cape cut

26:44

from extinct animals. Yes,

26:47

right. Once more from the top. I,

26:49

Charles, in the presence of Lionel

26:51

Richie, take that but not Robbie, one

26:53

of these stereophonics, swear that

26:56

I am the last stinking

26:58

lion. It's faithful.

26:59

Oh, yes, I

27:02

keep mucking up the faithful part. Just

27:04

as well you did, Mahbooba, a one wouldn't

27:07

be queen. Yes,

27:09

I see what one did there.

27:19

Hello, hello, how

27:20

are we all this week? Here

27:22

she is, the birthday girl. Thank you,

27:24

thank you. Happy birthday, Mary Lou, how fitting that

27:27

your birthday falls on May Day. When we honour

27:29

the historic struggles of the labour movement. Oh,

27:31

right, yes, I was thinking it was more fishing

27:33

than it fell on the same day as the Metch Gala.

27:36

Imagine me as Tish on the red carpet in

27:38

a few years in an England get out of

27:40

Ireland goona, designed by Simone

27:42

Rocha, I presume. Did

27:43

you get the flowers I sent you, Mary Lou? Oh, right.

27:46

Yeah, and Dexter may be thinking about getting a Jo

27:48

Malone candle of. Lasts longer. Now,

27:51

what's on the agenda this week? Well, we'd love to

27:53

bash me Hall Martin over his attack on the

27:55

free press, but that would mean siding with Paddy

27:57

Cosgrave. Ditch, please. Hobson's

28:00

Choice. He's some boy. I can't even.

28:03

I can't even. He's such

28:05

a melt. Also, our Michelle is going to

28:07

the British coloniser coronation. Mmm.

28:10

Lucky heifer. Sorry, what was that? Did you

28:12

just? I mean, I have zero interest

28:14

in the coronation. Alright. I mean, that

28:16

kind of marching pomp and ritualistic

28:19

symbolism is total nonsense.

28:22

Yeah. Unless it's a Provo funeral,

28:24

of course. Oh, oh, oh.

28:25

The Cotton Nation concert looks a bit of crack, oh,

28:28

take that. K. E. Perry, Loyner Ritchie.

28:30

Oh, side note, I won't be contactable this

28:32

Saturday between the hours of 10am and 4pm,

28:34

yeah. Seriously, a mindfulness

28:37

thing to do. Do not disturb. We'll be on.

28:39

Phone off, OK? Well, I for one will be boycotting.

28:41

I will never forgive the monarchy for the crimes they've committed. No.

28:44

Like coronation chicken. Vam! There's

28:47

also the local elections up north. Alright,

28:49

with no photos with local election candidates,

28:51

yeah? I'm not getting douddled again, alright?

28:54

Right, I'll send a circular. Now I saw that the

28:56

Business Post has a slaughtering Fianna

28:58

Fáil and Fianna Guell and Varangka in

29:00

all age groups. Bar the over 55. I'm

29:03

sure they don't matter. Not for whipperstappers

29:06

like us, no? Yeah, they're totally irrelevant

29:08

to young 54-year-olds like

29:11

moi. Oh, I didn't realise

29:13

that you... Guilty. I took a leaf

29:15

out of the Department of Housing's book and

29:18

I did it on a bank holiday when nobody would

29:20

notice the figure going up. Do you

29:22

catch my drift? Ready to go.

29:25

Anything else? It feels like we're all sort of phoning

29:27

it in this week, like it's the end of sixth year

29:29

and we're already out on the lash with

29:30

the teachers. I'm even struggling to do my

29:32

shouty thing at Leo in the draw. Owen,

29:35

is there anything going on housing? Well, I've been working

29:37

at the permutations for Dublin in the Senior Football

29:39

Championships. If my calculations are correct, we are

29:41

going to be playing ourselves the

29:44

copyright. I always forget you're

29:46

a GAA nerd as well. Right, if Owen's

29:48

clocked out already, I'm gone too. See

29:51

you all

29:51

in September. We're not after July,

29:53

but... Have a great summer.

29:55

Yeah, but we've actually two more.

29:56

Ciao now. Bye. Thumbs

30:01

up.