0:12

Hollies! Hicks!

0:17

Who is it? If it's another homeless

0:20

report, I don't want to hear it. Dump it on the bank

0:22

holiday weekend when everyone's getting tanked in beer

0:24

gardens. It's only me! Oh.

0:26

Seriously, it's only me. Because

0:28

you've no other allies left. Yeah,

0:31

well my gang is bigger than your gang. Ha ha

0:33

ha ha. But seriously, the only people who like

0:35

you are rando EU technocrats from

0:37

Luxembourg and also Star Wars nerdlingers.

0:40

We call ourselves Warsies, actually. And

0:43

what's with the big scary clock? Oh, that.

0:45

It's the Leo Doomsday Clock. Oh. Had to move

0:47

it 30 seconds closer to midnight after Michael Creed

0:50

announced he was retiring. Oh yes. Farad Karmageddon

0:52

is nigh. It's like an episode of Countdown

0:55

directed by David Lynch. I can't believe

0:57

my squad is abandoning me like this. Owen

0:59

Murphy, Joe McHugh, Brendan Griffin, John

1:01

Paul Thiel and Michael Creed. Is this

1:03

how they repay me after I demoted all of them from cabinet

1:06

and left them in the political tumbleweeds? Timmingle

1:08

McGrudgers. Well, a little bored at home with Richard

1:11

Bruton and David Stanton are a little wibbly

1:13

wobbly on whether they'll run again as well. Ugh.

1:16

I haven't trusted Bruton since that time he got his

1:18

kit off during lockdown and flashed his OAP

1:20

six pack. That's only OK when I do

1:22

it, dude. Is it really? I don't know who

1:25

the other guy is but at least you're sticking around. Well...

1:28

What? There are rumours circulating, not

1:31

from my office, I swearsies, that I

1:33

might be in line for another big boy job in Brussels.

1:35

Hello Europe, this is Pascal calling. Fake

1:37

news, dude. They always say that stuff about

1:40

ministers whose careers are in the brown wheelie bin to make

1:42

them feel better. What? Remember Enda was

1:44

rumoured to be in the running for the president of the European

1:46

Council once upon a time? Oh. Look

1:49

at him now. Not even a men's shed would have

1:51

him. You know, you're very grumpy and sullen

1:53

lately, Tiege.

1:54

Like a teenager smashing pumpkins

1:56

consult. I don't know who that is. I only

1:58

discovered music in the...

1:59

last five years. You even look down at the dumps

2:02

when you're doing all your fun statesman-like stuff.

2:04

Did you even wear a pair of novelty socks

2:06

when Joe Biden came to visit? Look,

2:08

it's just that everything is totes di-presso

2:10

martini at the moment. My poll numbers

2:13

are in the toilet. Pobs keep shouting at

2:15

me about how their lives suck as if that's somehow

2:17

my fault. And I'm after inadvertently

2:19

reminding everyone that I'm basically Ron DeSantis

2:21

when it comes to abortion rights. Well here's something

2:23

that might turn that frown upside down.

2:27

2,310 young Irish people emigrated to Australia

2:30

in quarter four last year, which means...

2:32

2,310 fewer Shinner voters. Which

2:36

means... Maybe we could scrape back into

2:38

power again and form a Frankenstein coalition

2:40

with Aint 2 Labour and Rural Independence

2:42

for what? I knew that would put the smile in your

2:44

face. I might just have to move back Leo's

2:47

doomsday clock to 45 seconds

2:49

before midnight. Yeah, how

2:51

the horses I am getting other intel

2:53

that Heder Humphries might run for the President

2:56

so... For crying out loud. Sorry.

2:59

I wish Simon Harris

2:59

would just get the heave over until and with so I can go

3:02

and live on Facebook. I pretend I didn't hear

3:04

that. I'll close my ickoliers like when the

3:06

homeless figures land on a Friday.

3:08

Hi,

3:16

it's another bank holiday weekend and

3:18

they're coming us now faster than a bullock on the run

3:21

from a J County raffle. And

3:23

that means it's time for another Marty

3:25

Monday.

3:27

Just another Marty Monday.

3:32

That's his fun day. Marty's

3:36

Monday. Haha, yes indeed. Join

3:39

me and my panel of 25 guests as we

3:41

shoot the breeze and hope the real world doesn't interfere

3:44

with our suspiciously frontatious chats. We'll

3:47

be discussing the permutations of the GAA football championship

3:50

as it gallops through a fixture schedule busier

3:52

than Marty at a Mother's and Others Challenge

3:54

Cup dinner. Round 1, part 2,

3:56

pool B, who will join Sligo? Will

3:59

it be the third? runner-up in the Ulster Championship

4:01

for last year's winner of Dancing with the Stars.

4:04

And what of me? After losing to Affoli,

4:07

they now face playing in the Upside

4:09

Down. I'll also be chatting to an

4:11

attractive middle-aged woman who we haven't booked yet,

4:13

but who'll be taking us through the permutations

4:16

of the changes in the termination

4:18

of pregnancy legislation. Oh no,

4:20

I've just realised I should have done that in my sad Marty

4:22

voice. Like this. I'll also

4:25

be meeting the author of Come Outy Black

4:27

and Tans, a history of homosexuality

4:29

in the Irish

4:29

War of Independence. Ah, feck! I

4:32

meant to do that one on my happy Marty voice! Ha

4:34

ha ha! And of course, we mark the

4:36

50th anniversary of when the government finally lifted

4:38

restrictions on the use of colour on the television,

4:41

which led to decades of people watching the Sunday

4:43

game and asking, how

4:45

is his hair really that colour? Alticom

4:48

on Just Another Marty Monday! Just

4:51

another Marty Monday. Oooooooh,

4:55

that's his fun day. It

4:58

certainly is. That's Marty's Monday,

5:01

all

5:01

the fun of a Marty party, but on

5:03

a Monday, how I wish it was

5:05

Sunday. No,

5:09

I'd never drink New World Charder

5:11

Day on a Saturday. Settle down,

5:13

settle down our lads. We've been allowed to get through before the head-on to

5:15

Cottmack for the long weekend in terms of... Can

5:17

I just start by saying big boule-a-bus

5:20

to you, our lovely leader? And

5:23

the successful evacuation of all

5:25

those Irish citizens from Sudan. Thank

5:28

you, thank you, thank you. And a mercy-poke who to

5:30

the French, whose plans of personnel were

5:32

responsible for actually getting everybody out.

5:34

Stop the domainer, no, no, no, this is

5:36

the reason I chose foreign affairs.

5:38

Not for the defence part, I don't know

5:40

whose idea it was to lump those two portfolios together, but

5:43

defence is very much the art-garfunkel of the

5:45

pair. No, no, no, no. It just sounded fierce exciting

5:47

me all, where you're in a situation room, watching

5:49

the SWAT team. Did you have a pistol

5:51

yourself? I hope it is. Well, the assume

5:54

throws, but yes, it was great to

5:56

use the Army Rangers for fancy dance, stuff

5:58

abroad. Yeah, instead of...

5:59

what they've been reduced to in covert, extracting

6:02

Paul Reed from the gala and Carrick and Shannon

6:04

to go to an effort meeting in Dublin. It

6:07

was like a James Bond film actually, I felt like I should

6:09

have a cat on the, I'm allergic to them. And

6:11

what's our position on Sudan now, Daddy

6:13

Miho? Oh, but it is the same as the rest of Europe,

6:15

Jack, you know, get the westerners out, then we

6:18

do a frowny face and leave them to kick seven bells out

6:20

of each other, then we'll do a deal with whatever crime

6:22

lord wins and stop any migrants,

6:24

you know, making it to the Mediterranean. Did we go

6:27

to mansion Niall Collins at all today? Paul

6:29

has turned like genuinely…

6:29

For fucks sake, one minute I'm involved

6:32

in something like the plot of an action thriller on Amazon

6:34

Prime and you have to bring me crashing down

6:36

to Peddy Cosgrave's online ditching, which

6:39

I blessed out of it by linking it to the Russians and

6:41

the Doll. Privilege is a great

6:43

thing. But, but, Debati Collins does appear to have questions

6:45

to answer, then. And that Debati Collins

6:48

is why I arranged for, for nobody to ask him

6:50

any of them when he made his dollar statement. You

6:52

demanded I answer questions in the doll and sacked

6:54

me when I wouldn't. Well, that's only because I don't

6:56

like you, to be fair. But look, we

6:59

can't keep scrapping

6:59

junior ministers just because they might have gone over the lines

7:02

a bit with the colouring in twenty years ago. So

7:04

should we have nobody left? Anyway, do we need

7:06

to talk about that other looter as well? That's

7:08

a Robrine. I got a message saying he can't make the

7:10

meeting as he's in a pub. No, no, Leo!

7:13

You're propping up a t-shirt who is less popular than Ron

7:15

and Keating at a pog's karaoke party. No, no,

7:17

no, no. In terms of we're into a

7:19

crucial phase of government now. It's like

7:21

me in school in a non-exam year. You're

7:23

basically doing as little as possible, letting the days count down

7:26

until you can be after the Gualtik to get the first shift. Yes,

7:28

Taoiseach, lessons

7:29

outside everyone! Only we don't want to

7:32

be outside, do we? In case we run into the muck and the firmamab

7:34

who are after doing a famine walk from a tai. But

7:37

there's no appetite for anything new now. Even

7:39

for the Gualtik, I don't want to move against Leo until the

7:41

tux changed back. That's so right,

7:44

my Taoiseach. I nearly wish he'd heave

7:46

against me. What? No! Otherwise

7:48

I'd be here forever at this rate. After the army rangers

7:51

will have to airlift me out of the job.

8:04

Jonio Sullivan reporting for CNN. Still

8:06

pinching myself every time I say that. Hahn the kingdom.

8:08

Spread a tumultuous week in US politics. When is

8:11

it not? As Joe Biden finally revealed,

8:13

he would run for re-election in 2024. The

8:15

worst kept secret in US politics since all

8:17

of the terrible things Donald Trump is now facing trials

8:19

for.

8:20

Let's take a look at Joe Biden's announcement

8:22

video. So here's the deal. Let's

8:25

finish the job, America. Like

8:27

in my day, if you had a regular job like

8:29

leech collecting, lamp lighting, black smithing,

8:32

phrenology, you saw that job

8:34

through.

8:35

And I want to finish the job,

8:38

preferably before it finishes me.

8:41

That's why I'm Joe Biden. Four

8:44

more malarkeys. Let's go lick

8:46

the world. Democrats of course are hoping

8:48

Trump will get the nomination so they can focus on

8:50

Trump's criminality instead of Joe's record

8:52

in office. These days, electorate wants easy

8:55

to grasp concepts like will our president

8:57

be senile? Or can our president

8:59

serve as term from a prison cell? Less

9:01

policy and political records, more porn

9:03

stars and criminal records. This was Donald

9:06

Trump's reaction to the news from Biden.

9:08

Hopeless Joe is the worst president

9:10

in history, but with your help we can defeat

9:13

him. That's why at DonaldFUTrump.com

9:16

we've sold out of NFT scams,

9:19

but we've got a special and novelty beer

9:21

koozies. I don't know what that is,

9:23

but people tell me these are the best koozies

9:26

ever, better than Obama's. Grown men

9:29

come up to me all the time with tears streaming

9:31

down their faces saying, Mr. President,

9:33

with these koozies, you're really

9:36

spoiling us.

9:37

Meanwhile it's also been reported

9:39

that Trump following the footsteps of President Biden will

9:41

return to Ireland next week to the light of

9:43

absolutely nobody back home. He spoke to reporters

9:46

outside one of the many places he's suspected

9:48

of committing crimes in. I'm going

9:50

to be visiting my resorts in Scotland,

9:52

Ireland, maybe we'll swing by one of those countries

9:54

that aren't big in extradition, who knows, we'll see.

9:57

Last time I visited the Ireland, I received

9:59

a tremendous welcome the biggest,

10:01

biggest party ever in Irish history.

10:04

A lot of people say that, I remember Bono,

10:06

remember Bono and Enya looking

10:09

at me with tears streaming down

10:11

their faces and they said, where could

10:13

I buy one of those tremendous, amazing

10:16

Trump beer koozies? I said, no

10:18

problem, not a problem. You go to WWW.

10:21

And finally, Republicans face another setback this

10:23

week when staunch ally Tucker Carlson

10:25

was fired from Fox News. Here's

10:28

the flavor of his greatest hits.

10:30

You see, there's no such thing as racism.

10:32

You know what there is such thing is? Testicles

10:35

that need tanning and then not just

10:37

stealing elections. They're taking away

10:39

those M&M cartoons who are like women we

10:41

can be sexist towards. How can men

10:43

survive as men if there's no sexism?

10:46

We gotta talk tonight about poor people. I've

10:49

never seen any poor people. Is this another

10:51

Democrat hoax? You never know what

10:53

they're planning next. The woke mob are out of control.

10:55

Pretty soon they will want to ban that psychology

10:58

that recommends making love to your mom,

11:00

which is important if you're a

11:02

man. You folks have a great weekend. I'll be back

11:04

on Monday. Stay crazy, America.

11:06

And with that, he was gone. Reports say

11:08

Carlson was sacked not for repeatedly lying to the

11:10

public about voter fraud, downplaying racism

11:13

or because of alleged sexism, but for sheer

11:15

ruthless fun. Because at 92

11:17

years of age, Rupert Murdoch can no longer tell

11:19

the difference between real life and the latest episode

11:22

of Succession.

11:23

For CNN, I'm Donia Sullivan. Big shout out

11:25

to the Bison

11:25

Collision and the Schellingham.

11:34

Hello, good evening and welcome to Prime

11:36

Time. It's the political controversy

11:38

that's done to the country what a car every

11:41

dinner will do to a hungover meeting of culty

11:43

golfers. Send everyone

11:45

to sleep. It's the Niall Collins

11:47

slash Limerick Council land sale

11:49

stroke on the ditch controversy.

11:53

This was a story d

11:56

really

12:00

boring statement on a really boring day

12:02

using boring words like pecuniary

12:05

interest, like snails. And

12:07

suddenly the story slumped into

12:09

life. Then TD's You

12:11

Forgot Exested called for Niall Collins

12:14

to answer questions in the doors.

12:16

You think I am sick to my stomach at

12:18

the thought that something ever so slightly

12:21

untoward could have occurred at a local

12:23

area committee meeting? We need a grand

12:26

inquisition. And who knows, maybe even

12:28

an expensive tribunal.

12:29

Tea shuk thing. Ah, Jeopardy,

12:32

I'm just phoning in my last term as tea shuk, so

12:34

the best I can come up with is the following cliche.

12:37

This isn't a kangaroo court.

12:40

By the way, if you were a shinner that line would have slayed.

12:43

Actually, why are the shinners so quiet on this?

12:45

On Thursday, Mihal Martin decided

12:48

to have one of his annual wobblers. He

12:50

decided he couldn't afford to have Niall Collins

12:52

go the way of Cow and Kaliri and Troy,

12:55

so he attacked the ditch website as

12:57

if it was like Russia Today.

12:59

It is not independent. It is not.

13:02

And the way they've organized this hit job,

13:05

using the trend tags and the Algo Rivers

13:07

online. And I know who's behind the whole thing. I

13:09

do. Rod Little. That's who. Is this? I

13:12

don't know. I've done very little research on this. Just

13:14

like normal media outlets. And then

13:16

I find it very suspicious that they're looking

13:18

things up. Why can't they be like the other hacks and

13:21

just print the things we announced as though it's new or

13:23

fact like. Afterwards,

13:25

Niall Collins made this statement to

13:27

the Doyle on a Thursday after snooze

13:29

of a bank holiday. Genuinely,

13:32

Orgy was empty by lunchtime. I

13:35

am not going to answer questions. I

13:37

am instead going to perform a spoken

13:40

word piece using planning jargon

13:42

and in the style of someone just learning

13:44

how to read. Rough local area

13:47

committee. Lameric County Council.

13:49

My wife. Statutory process.

13:52

Open market. My wife. Highest

13:54

bidder. Conditional permissions.

13:57

My wife. Full transparency.

13:59

2001 Local Government Act.

14:02

My wife, thank you. Mmm.

14:05

So what happens next? Will

14:07

Niall Collins's very existence bore

14:09

this story to death so that he can cling

14:12

on in his coveted row as Minister

14:14

of State

14:14

at the Department of We Made This Job Up just

14:16

so Miho could hand out gigs. Ultimately,

14:20

so long as they don't make me read Section 177

14:22

of the Local Government Act over my Mayday Pino

14:24

Grease show, I couldn't give

14:26

a fiddler.

14:28

Have a great weekend, bye!

14:36

Welcome back joining me to discuss another litany of

14:38

Garda-related disasters is Garda Representative

14:40

Association member Fiona Bani

14:43

Ford-Mondeo. It's

14:44

actually Fiona Bani Ford-Mondeo. Right,

14:46

well where to begin? Why are so many Gardi

14:48

being arrested lately? Suspected of extortion

14:51

rackets, fraud, perhaps links

14:54

to organized crime?

14:55

At this time, Yardi are following definite

14:57

lines of inquiry. Sorry, which Gardi? The ones

15:00

arrested or the ones who did the arresting? The

15:02

persons detained are known to Naniardi. Well,

15:05

I'm sure they're on first name terms and probably shifted

15:07

each other in Temple Moor. We are not at this

15:09

time in a position to speculate on who loved

15:11

the Gabon who, but our inquiries are

15:13

ongoing. The force really is in disarray, isn't

15:15

it? There's never been a time when so many Gardi

15:18

have been detained and arrested for suspected crimes.

15:21

Our focus is more on celebrating the

15:23

Gardi who are arresting the older Gardi. Why

15:26

not talk about them? Why focus on the bad shnapples? Never

15:28

mind, let's talk about G-SOC. Oh,

15:31

yes please, though schmearf-bokker. So,

15:34

basically the Gardi who botched the Regency

15:36

Hotel Gangland trial are now investigating

15:38

the people who normally investigate the Gardi

15:41

because...

15:42

Because someone went to a house party? Is that...

15:44

We can't comment on an ongoing investigation,

15:46

Dabo. What I can say is this

15:49

whole thing has been even more satisfying

15:51

to our members than breaking up a student

15:53

house party with batons during the Covid.

15:55

It's interesting that right when we should

15:57

be focusing on how taxpayers are covering the

15:59

cost of witness- protection for a court declared

16:01

liar that Garde entered into the prosecution.

16:04

Instead, the heat is on the Garde Ombudsman

16:06

who police the police. We

16:08

are treating this matter with utmost

16:10

seriousness. We've upgraded the alert

16:12

level in the barracks from where do you think you're going

16:14

to?

16:15

Hold on a while now. What do you call the highest

16:17

alert level? Let's delete your emails

16:19

and close the watch app groups. I'm sorry, I asked.

16:21

Let's talk about these cases of alleged theft and

16:23

fraud where criminals dressed up as Garde.

16:25

The perpetrators were acting

16:27

in such a disorganized and incompetent

16:29

fashion that naturally people were fooled

16:31

into thinking they were actual guards, whereupon

16:34

they robbed them blind.

16:35

That makes sense. Do you think the Garde Commissioner

16:37

Drew Harris was ill-advised to warn criminals?

16:40

My gang is bigger than your gang.

16:42

Oh, you mean your man Jeremy Harris from MI5?

16:45

What? Our members let him know a thing or two

16:47

about calling them a gang. Indeed, the rank

16:49

and file booed their commissioner at a speech

16:51

this week. What is this? The Garde in

16:53

Discipline challenge for TikTok? We're

16:55

not afraid of our own but we're just

16:57

terrified of teenagers in Dublin. Really?

17:00

God, why anyone would go out in the city without a

17:02

steb vest, a petty wagon and air supporters beyond

17:04

me.

17:04

Oh, is that a new plan for patrolling the streets

17:06

I'm hearing? No, I was just referring to a leaving

17:09

do we had for one of the girdles. What? We were too scared

17:11

to go out in the end, even with the steb vests. So

17:13

we had it in the barracks instead.

17:14

OK, Garde Fiona Banni

17:17

Ford-Mondeo. Fiona Vyemni Ford-Mondeo.

17:19

We know less for having you.

17:24

Order! Comrades, comrades,

17:26

can we have a bit of cuteness everyone

17:29

so we can begin the meeting? I

17:31

see everyone arrived on time.

17:34

Well, I was hoping to get delayed by the far right to

17:36

White Howey on protesters, but they're all going

17:38

after Deputy Comrade Paul Murphy for some

17:40

reason. He's taken them all he is. Yes, Comrade Breed.

17:43

What do you have got to say, Comrade Murphy? It's because,

17:45

comrades, you've been leaving all the socialist shenanigans

17:47

up to me. You what? I had to write to the Count Court

17:49

about Nye Collins. I had to name all the landlord

17:51

T.D.'s in the doll. All while looking after a newborn

17:54

baby. And I had to make the snacks for tonight

17:56

as well. Yeah, and these Venezuelan valivants

17:59

are absolutely delicious.

17:59

Enough about the Val of Vans,

18:02

Comrade Barry! What are we going to

18:04

do about the far right nut jobs

18:07

protesting everywhere? Yeah,

18:09

sure we may be asking them how they get so much attention.

18:11

There's only 20 of them and they're all over the place, all the time.

18:14

There were at least 21 outside

18:16

my house. No, no, no, that's just the big wig fat cat

18:18

black hat, rupee, mardoc, rd, bias

18:20

numbers. It was more like 21,000 outside Comrade

18:23

Morphy's home. What? No, no, 23

18:25

there were. In

18:27

fairness we too would get loads of media attention if you'd

18:29

put me on the stage and let me shout acronyms to the run

18:31

out of bread like G-Sockpack,

18:32

RTB, BBC, NATO,

18:34

PESCO, Tesco, Club, Guards, Candlest, Proises,

18:37

we deal with it! Comrade Holly

18:39

Carnes from the not so socialist

18:41

democrats, what do you

18:42

think? I'm a party leader now.

18:46

So I just say very important things

18:48

like we need to see some accountability

18:51

from this government and you are

18:53

failing the people on housing. Still

18:56

at least she's not gone on about the greyhounds anymore. Yeah,

18:58

but how are

18:59

we going to stop these protesters? I would call

19:01

the Gardein but they would probably just escort them into the

19:03

nearest library. Yeah, we need to steal a spotlight

19:05

back from these far riders with some just

19:07

stop oil style protests of our own. Yes,

19:10

that's a great idea. Why don't we just

19:12

glue ourselves to the far right?

19:15

Yeah, of course we'd need to organize a big march and

19:17

then spend ages waffling on a stage where they say

19:19

most of the people have heard a thousand times before they all

19:21

lose interest then go home. Hey

19:23

everyone, my name is Usheen Smith

19:25

from the Green Party. I think I'm a

19:28

lefty. Does everyone know I'm a lefty? We

19:30

told you to stop coming here. You're not a lefty,

19:32

you're a minister. I think the

19:34

best way to protest is to glue

19:37

yourself to Fina Foll and Fina Guell

19:39

and let them do whatever

19:40

they want. Oh no,

19:43

I just remembered I left my future behind.

19:45

Bye. Whatever, what we need

19:47

to do comrades is come up with a plan

19:50

to win all the media attention back from

19:52

the far right, all while ensuring

19:53

it doesn't distract from our usual

19:56

pointless grand standing in the door.

20:00

One Honda. So, Paul, Morphy,

20:02

you can look after all that, yeah? What? Why

20:05

me? I'm... Could you not? I'm very busy!

20:07

Great! In the meantime, Breed

20:09

and Mick and I will come up with a catchy

20:12

new slogan

20:12

for our next protest. Like

20:15

the cost of greed crisis... Up the North?

20:17

Free

20:17

Palace? Free Palace? Yeah, free Palace? Then

20:20

Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul?

20:22

Then Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul?

20:24

Then Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul? Then

20:26

Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul? Then Paul?

20:28

Then Paul? Then Paul? Hiya

20:31

there. You've reached the voicemail

20:34

of Michael McGrath, Minister

20:36

for Spend and Money. Leave

20:38

your message after the boring sigh. The 65

20:44

billion budget sock was projected over the next

20:46

three years. Are you sure you're not at the tease and cross the I's?

20:49

And in my I's, I'm fast looking at all them, the zeros.

20:52

Let's unfortunately do a new decision and don't let any blackouts

20:54

talk you into spending it on anything stupid

20:56

Michael. Alright.

20:58

Sup dude? Just wanted to say you're

21:00

welcome for bringing in all that multinational

21:03

cash you now have. The smart move is

21:05

pensions of ours. We've been aging

21:07

population and I'm gonna need

21:09

as many pensions as possible so I can live somewhere

21:12

I don't have to look at any of these old puffs. Ew.

21:15

Hello, it's Minister Harris here. Heave man. Forget

21:17

whatever Leo pitched, okay? He'll be gone soon by,

21:20

let's say, September. That's very good

21:22

heave weather. Haha! Joking ofs.

21:24

Unless you're into it. Anyway, let's buy those Garda

21:27

body cams I've been asking for. I promised them at the

21:29

Garda conferences so that I could look tough even though they

21:31

all loll at me. And yes, it might be a privacy

21:33

concern, but think of all the hilarious Garda

21:35

fail videos that we'd have for TikTok. Hahahaha!

21:38

I'm never giving up my TikTok by the way. Block

21:40

to the TikTok blocks! A-A-A-How

21:43

are you little Mickey? Just two

21:45

words,

21:46

Bertie Bull. Hahaha! I

21:48

rest my cape. Hello

21:51

Minister McGrath. Minister McGrath here. Just

21:54

a quick reminder to keep the head down

21:56

and do nothing. Don't speak or do that.

22:00

that might be seen as personality because

22:02

that's how you're going to be the party leader someday

22:05

by slipping in an Irish entrance

22:07

like Anyway, the voice probably

22:09

bored you by now so you may not have got to the end

22:12

of the message Hello,

22:14

Niall Collins here. There's this horribly

22:16

inconvenient ditch story causing

22:18

me a lot of bother Could we just buy

22:21

the ditch and then just destroy

22:23

it like Elon Musk could on Twitter?

22:26

I should add by the way that I have no pecuniary

22:28

or beneficial interest in buying the ditch

22:30

myself Alternatively

22:33

though my wife has a rye on a few

22:36

state-owned properties that could be worth

22:38

a

22:39

First of all I don't want to pull

22:41

rank, but let's face it. I'm going to be

22:43

your next boss I'm inevitable

22:46

one hondo like Thanos, which

22:48

is an Avengers ref FYI Look,

22:51

they're going to be changes when I'm in

22:53

power. We're gonna Joanne McNally

22:55

the shiz out of being teach We're talking

22:58

Maloo podcast rallies

23:00

in the three arena that sell out a minute Maloo

23:03

merch lots of capital needed

23:06

also in the United Ireland 65 billion

23:09

should keep the north running for about

23:11

a fortnight. It's so spenny

23:14

OMG Hello Hello,

23:17

oh, it's a one of those robot

23:19

messages more civil servants

23:22

We need thousands more even though the

23:24

existing ones have already outsourced all the work.

23:26

They're currently paid to do Hello,

23:31

I'm not leaving a message. I'm just having a listen.

23:33

These are even funnier than Prince William's voicemails

23:37

This is not a Murdoch by the way, so

23:40

we'll sue if you say otherwise

23:43

And Minister McGraw its

23:45

Minister McGraw here again by

23:47

milk all right by full

23:49

full fat

23:50

man

23:56

No, no 12 bag is can't be fries a point of

23:59

play me go man Sorry, you told there was a

24:01

press conference happening here? Yeah, yeah, lads,

24:03

come on in, come on in. What are we doing in a pub,

24:05

Minister? Snow ornery boozer, lads.

24:07

Me locals since I was a chiseller. The scaldy

24:10

jacks, welcome, welcome. Minister, have

24:12

you- No, call me Wacker. Minister,

24:14

you've availed yet another housing plan. Is

24:16

this just to confuse everyone more and to keep resetting

24:18

targets because you've missed every goal you've set for three

24:21

years running? Look, I have a blood and snuff

24:23

pack with Housing for All as I keep

24:25

saying it's working. So I'm dedicated

24:27

to rewriting, tip-exing over and taping

24:30

bits on top of it until I'm eventually

24:32

right when I say it's kind of working.

24:34

Except it's not working, Minister. Housing

24:37

for All is smashing through every target. Like me

24:39

says, smashing through a flock of rowdy seagulls.

24:41

But, Minister, you've missed every target and also

24:43

I was attacked by a rowdy seagull on the way here. Yeah,

24:45

me too. Yeah, but we put all the targets back

24:48

to zero in January and I haven't

24:50

failed for three years, by the way. I've only failed for one

24:52

quarter because I've only been housing minister

24:54

since, you know, the new year. You've actually been there

24:56

since 2020, Minister? No, there was a reshuffle

24:59

on your marriage as a

24:59

whole new housing minister in 23. Wipe

25:02

the slate clean, man. It's like when you're at

25:04

a golf club do in the middle of the day and you

25:06

get so jarred you throw up your lunch, but you emerge

25:09

from the john, ready to go afresh

25:11

for a whole new evening. Record

25:13

numbers of rent-exhausted young people are

25:16

emigrating to Australia more than during

25:18

austerity, even though the country is now in full employment.

25:20

What do you say to them? Yeah, yeah, but the grass isn't always greener,

25:23

lads. Remember, Australia is born

25:25

to bits. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can

25:27

I get a toothpick, barman? Me breakfast

25:29

steak is struck

25:29

in me nashards. Look, it's not rocket science.

25:32

You just need to build more houses and stop relying on

25:34

the private market. Well, the problem as I see it is that

25:36

no sooner have our pals and the cuckoo phones built

25:39

a gaff, then someone moves into it, even

25:41

the homeless with no chance. What are

25:43

you saying? There's a problem money is they're

25:45

thinking about. Why doesn't the ditch investigate

25:48

that? We'd have more houses freed

25:50

up and people would stop moving into them and forcing

25:52

the corporate landlords to take 60%

25:54

of their salaries off them. Sorry, that's just blaming tenants.

25:57

Here lads, just read how deadly I am in the

25:59

Sunday papers. Yeah, I'm the main man

26:01

of Malahide. Malia, as we call

26:03

it. Nobody calls it that. We serve a Nikki

26:05

Bourne best mates up here in Malia. And

26:08

they don't have Nikki's number. Look, why don't

26:10

you just do all your learned off talking points about

26:12

the 1970s and fake claims of exceeding

26:14

targets so we can all just go home. Oh yeah, here

26:17

we go. We've provided more social housing than

26:19

anyone since, um, 1970s something. I

26:22

can't read that bit. Me pint spilled on it. It's

26:24

a moot point. There hasn't been a homeless crisis scale

26:26

until the last eight years. And, oh, this is a good one.

26:28

Commencements in the first quarter

26:29

of this year have smashed last year's

26:32

figures. Here we go. Because there were no commencements

26:34

last year. It was a disaster. That's why your plan

26:36

is failing. So that's it, lads.

26:39

Corners will be turned. And this minister

26:41

is getting the points in before them lays figures

26:43

from the emergency accommodation land. Wha- Whoo!

26:46

Hold them, Malia!