0:18

In terms of the delight of being able to leave

0:20

Gaza and come here to Egypt so that we can

0:22

be very... Tónis, now what can you as a Foreign Minister for a

0:24

neutral island thousands of miles away possibly

0:26

achieve on this trip? The island punches

0:29

above it. Many say even that Albert Reynolds'

0:31

meeting with Boris Yeltsin those years ago brought down

0:33

the Iron Curtain in terms of... Yeah, Boris got drunk and never

0:35

got off the plane, Tónis, so... Precisely.

0:38

The whole world realised what a bowsy Yeltsin

0:40

was and it wouldn't have happened... Isn't this whole thing just a

0:42

pure jolly for your last term in office? Hang

0:44

on a second now, in terms of... You have to understand

0:46

that international diplomacy...

0:48

Tónis, Tónis, Tónis, Tónis, Tónis, Tónis... Well

0:53

done, Tónis. A really great trip so

0:55

far. You're doing so well. I'd have

0:57

a go at that. Why is everyone saying this is a retirement jolly?

0:59

You'd swear I'd stop off in Egypt just to

1:01

see the pyramids. We aren't passing

1:03

them on the way by any chance in terms of... That's a negative.

1:06

No pyramids. No. No, to go to Israel

1:08

and be berated by the Foreign Minister for not supporting

1:10

them enough. And then off to the West Bank to be told we're not

1:12

supporting them enough. It's like Covid

1:15

on Paddy's Day in Washington all over again. What

1:17

else could possibly go

1:18

wrong?

1:19

Oh my god, it's the bomb sign! What? No!

1:22

What on earth? They're saying there's

1:24

an attack nearby. We have to do an emergency stop.

1:26

We have to stay in the armoured car. We're doomed.

1:29

Are

1:29

we gonna get... What's so funny,

1:31

Tónis? Shrammant, I used

1:33

to disastrous travel. Government jets breaking

1:35

down all the time, missing flights, Covid. I've seen it

1:37

all. Oh, this'll really annoy

1:40

Varankar that I'm in the thick of it like a man

1:42

of action going forward. But really, we're just hiding

1:44

under our seats. And look, the press car

1:46

have to get out of their bus. Oh. So's the

1:48

Black Arts, right? Here, do your spa duty now

1:50

and take a photo of me bravely surviving the very distant

1:53

shelling. Um... And put it on the Twitter.

1:55

Okay. And the courtesy shall be pious

1:57

with envy like...

2:02

Management Sock, J.

2:04

Wylie, Reno, Kenny, Bill

2:06

Alright, good afternoon

2:09

everyone, thank you for joining me at this town

2:11

hall meeting Lovely Kevin,

2:13

something about his accent makes him want to Janiflage

2:16

and curtze him I don't feel mad anymore,

2:18

someone has a question there Isn't it like a bit

2:20

grandiose to call it a town hall? You'd

2:23

swear you're like Joe Biden meeting a lot of undecided boarders

2:26

not having his staff meeting in a rat infested

2:28

canteen going Today I will outline

2:30

the new direction for RT, it was a difficult

2:32

process until of course we found D

2:34

Forbes' plan for 2019 and photocopied

2:37

that Unfortunately it will necessitate

2:39

cuts that she didn't bother doing because

2:42

I gather she was too busy redecorating her office Oh

2:44

God, we're being replaced by AI aren't we? Imagine,

2:46

the Ray Darcy show hosted by Ray

2:48

I If

2:51

Ireland's smartest has to be sacrificed

2:53

then so be it Lovely Claire

2:56

Don't make me do a quiz show ever

2:58

again Now hard choices must

3:00

be made, that's why I have a sack here Inside

3:03

is a choice of cutting young people's digital

3:05

radio and old people's digital radio It's

3:07

totally random, we've made no decision yet, Joe Will

3:10

you do the honours? You mean will I root around in

3:12

your sack? Oh dear

3:14

God, look at that, it's

3:15

young people's radio gets the

3:17

act Two XM, Paul Farthey

3:20

Jr, all dead Bye

3:22

bye lovely young people and your lovely

3:24

creative

3:25

ideas What? Oh my God,

3:27

I can't believe RT Gold survived Oh my God,

3:29

we'll be here with the cockroaches Imagine a

3:31

company up to their barters and financial scandal have

3:33

a station literally called Gold

3:36

Oh no, you're here I want

3:38

to address the false speculation that Fair

3:40

City will be outsourced To illustrate

3:42

our commitment to Fair City, I've asked

3:45

two actors to perform a special scene Action

3:48

Jimo, I know you're having an affair

3:49

I am and I swear So lie,

3:52

I saw you with her under the tree,

3:54

a spare

3:56

No, I couldn't help it, they have fantastic

3:58

meal deals that unbeatable brother I'm giving

4:01

up! And

4:04

I'm craving something from the Delicouter,

4:06

huh? Oh, we're also proud to announce

4:08

that we will be upgrading our Cork studio,

4:10

because Cork is the future. Putting

4:12

on a telly show at Cork is like putting a musical

4:15

on in the convention centre. Nobody wants to go down

4:17

there, so I have our guests around the Azoom. I

4:19

know there's also been a lot of talk about presenter

4:22

pay. OMG! Can't look, can't

4:24

look. Here we go. Spirit okay, I've come

4:26

on, like... So going forward we'll be stringently

4:28

keeping the corrosive salaries at 250,000.

4:33

Oh my god! Oh, there's a soft land

4:35

and tanks be to guard. Alleluia!

4:38

Oh, you could actually be getting a pay rise. No,

4:40

Kelly won't stand for this. Everyone

4:43

clap for

4:43

lovely Kevin and his lovely reassuring

4:46

Axs. Oh no,

4:48

I see a rat! Oh no! An

4:51

actual rat or the rat that leaked the strategy!

4:54

Alright, I'm going back to my office now to

4:56

try and scrape the 16,000 worth of wallpaper

4:58

that D Forbes put up. Hello,

5:11

Instagram, I'm in the back of a black have in London.

5:13

But you're probably wondering, what could you possibly be

5:15

doing in England, Ryan? No, I'm not

5:17

sending an invoice. I'm on my way to make a huge

5:20

announcement. I didn't want to put out a statement until

5:22

it was all confirmed. I'm not making that mistake

5:24

again. Ha! Give me the cricket! Let's give you

5:27

guys a clue. Driver! You what?

5:29

Driver, could you put on Virgin Radio

5:31

UK please? Never heard of it, mate.

5:34

Five live only in this cab, alright?

5:36

Ha ha! Ha ha! Yeah.

5:41

Alright!

5:44

I'm in the building. I'm

5:46

ecstatic to be joining Virgin Radio UK,

5:49

a station I didn't know existed until a few weeks ago. Fair

5:51

enough. I'm just on the publicity downstairs

5:53

with my agent, Noel Kelly, who's here

5:55

for his 15% of the photo op. I'm

5:58

desperate! Yeah, desperate! Excited

6:00

and about to meet the producer. Hello.

6:03

Oh, thank God you're here. It's an enormous

6:05

job But it won't affect my know so

6:07

mainly you've been making teas and coffees getting

6:09

the occasional lunch order But do not look

6:12

mr. Evans in the eye. No, no, no, I'm the new

6:14

host. I'm the new presenter of the show Brian

6:16

Of course the new DJ welcome

6:18

aboard. It's right. I gotta tell you this

6:20

is a huge gig Yes, our audience share

6:23

is up to 1% now. It's

6:25

mostly Chris Evans and Graham. Yeah, well, I'll

6:27

also be broadcasting a q102 I

6:30

can't wait to the West Sussex traffic reports

6:32

for Dublin listeners You know, I'm feeling the echoes

6:34

of the great Terry Wogan in my journey today.

6:36

I

6:36

can see why yes He doesn't have any listeners

6:39

in the UK now either now you

6:41

will be broadcasting three hours a day

6:43

five days a week three hours Wow,

6:45

okay. Is there a seaside pier? I can walk on and chat

6:48

to punters so I can fill in the first hour

6:50

And of course a sixth day on air broadcasting

6:52

to our regional channels in era. No

6:55

has we doing six days? I mean, yes,

6:57

of course Irish mister is very important

6:59

to me help beef up the poultry numbers No,

7:01

no, no to rub it in their faces back home.

7:03

I'm doing fine So tell me what

7:06

kind of audiences Virgin Radio mostly the

7:08

kind

7:08

of man who was still angry about the way top

7:10

gear ended Oh very strong

7:12

separated dad energy,

7:14

you know, gosh Well, I hope they

7:16

like Robert Galbraith novels and other easy

7:18

to read crime fiction got very

7:19

big shoes to fill here You're taking over from

7:22

DJ Eddie Temple Morris. Sorry,

7:24

Eddie who what? 50-something

7:26

your old DJ came here from XFM

7:28

except Britain has porn on the radio

7:31

I've so much to learn but at last man,

7:33

I'm free from the shackles of state broadcasting

7:35

meanies orgy By the way, who my new bosses here?

7:37

That'll be Rupert Murdoch and his children.

7:40

Oh god. Oh, well At

7:42

least I'm a big fan of Succession.

7:45

Okay, Greg. I wish you well God,

7:48

I hope no has made the right of course

7:50

he has he and I could do no wrong Huh?

7:54

Ladies and gents. It's time for the Rhinason.

7:57

Now. Let's do some dad

7:58

rock for cash Hahaha,

8:01

Jiminy, frickin' pricky, holy

8:03

moly, yeah!

8:08

Okay, thank you. Sony should be

8:10

giving us the all clear the danger has

8:12

passed. Brilliant! Which means you can do

8:14

the press conference now. I will feck it anyway,

8:16

do I have to- But you'll have to wear this flak jacket!

8:18

What? Yeah. I had a shot this Christmas in November,

8:21

put Mihal in a flak jacket. Ah ha, Vranka

8:23

will have a spazza when he sees this major

8:25

general map. And, ha ha ha, make sure you get a portal. We

8:27

should toast, get some pictures of you looking soreful

8:30

among the rubble as well. Oh, there's

8:32

even rubble! Ah sure, why would I ever go back

8:34

to Dublin? Oh god,

8:36

I'm getting over excited now. Calm

8:38

down, Mihal. Put on your frowny face now, put

8:40

on your frowny face. I'm such a statesman

8:43

like Vranka will be fuming altogether.

8:46

I think the diplomacy that I'm conducting here is

8:48

actually very important for the Middle East as

8:50

an entire region in terms of- Code, East Labour

8:52

have said the public transport system is in crisis. What

8:55

are you going to do about that? Sorry now, none of the small-fry

8:57

questions from home, thank you very much. Stick to my heroic

8:59

visits to the warzone like- Anish, have you any

9:01

comment on the closure of Lakeland Dairies? Ah,

9:03

come on now, I'm on the world stage here, come

9:06

on. Yeah, what was the government going to do about flood defences

9:08

and sandy mountains? With the love of St Jemima. Look,

9:10

I have to go out of a very, very important business. Thank

9:13

you, that's enough for that. Anish, Anish, Anish, Anish,

9:15

Anish! Do I call him Mr.

9:17

Secretary or the way he did? Hello!

9:19

The- Hello? Lord Cameron

9:22

started his- his Mihal Martin as squire. Oh

9:24

yes, Mihal! Notice Mihal. Another

9:26

of the foreign ministers who used to be Prime Ministers

9:29

Club. Our stars may have faded,

9:31

but even our superannuated Dreyhorsers

9:33

can serve a function. No, I'm still very

9:35

much in my prime. I had a great relationship, you know,

9:37

with your party colleague Ed Nkene all those

9:39

years ago. Remarkable woman. Well, he- he-

9:42

they actually are in my path and- And

9:44

I thought, fine-o-glail, we're

9:46

in govern-a- Widos, fina fáil. Right,

9:49

so you're like the Lib Dems. I wonder whatever

9:51

happened to them. Anyway, delighted you called,

9:53

but there's a war on Miho. So

9:55

I muscadabled to chat to, you

9:57

know, someone actually important.

10:00

I just want to get a- Bye! Oh,

10:02

no, sir, we need to prepare an emergency statement!

10:05

What is it? Is this another war? Do I need to visit someone

10:07

foreign and glamorous and put on the flak jacket

10:10

again in the building? No, right, everybody's announcing

10:12

a weekend show on Q102. We have

10:14

to work out the government's response. Ah, you do

10:16

I not suffer in terms of... Blah,

10:19

blah, blah,

10:20

blah, blah, blah!

10:27

Welcome back, it's 19.065

10:29

minutes

10:31

now, Morning Ireland Des is here with sport, hello Des!

10:34

Yeah, the All-Stars are on tonight. Well,

10:36

they're actually the PWCGA

10:39

GPA BYOB Hurling

10:41

All-Stars, and they've already been announced

10:43

ahead of their announcement again at the ODS. It's

10:46

always a very exciting night, Gavin. Right, for

10:49

people with short-term memory loss. On the

10:51

line, John Milan. Yes, yes,

10:53

more boys. Seven All-Stars for

10:55

Limerick, but nothing for the Deisha this

10:57

year, John. None for me county, but look, overall

11:00

fair is fair, no argument, they'll throw

11:02

us off to the lads, unbelievable performance. TJ

11:05

Reed on seven All-Stars. And it's his birthday. Happy

11:07

birthday to TJ Nill, who is a PWCGA

11:10

GTBA WTF All-Star

11:13

for his county. WTF? He loves

11:15

his county! Yeah, no, now, it's

11:17

a big weekend for the Republic of Ireland, they face

11:19

Holland, and what many expect

11:21

was Stephen Kenny's last competitive

11:24

game in charge, Brian Care is the studio to- Yeah,

11:27

Brian, we saw you waving a flare,

11:30

was it, in the crowd after the St Pat's

11:32

victory last weekend? Yeah, belter

11:34

of a night, Des, a historic day for

11:36

the Saints and a great day for me. We got

11:38

a fair to the airport before the

11:40

game, and I was able to charge and wait in

11:42

time when I went to it. Anyways,

11:45

I have a flare with me in the studio. I'll

11:47

be careful though. No, don't worry, it's me last one,

11:49

and I'm saving it for Stephen's final

11:51

last, you know what I mean? Yeah, because in one of

11:53

the most bizarre sets of permutations in

11:55

any tournament ever, we could still qualify

11:58

for the Euro 24. Provided

12:00

we lose to the netherlands that's

12:02

right. We'd have to flop over the match Maybe

12:05

we should get your man Johnny sexton in

12:07

so that we can make his arrows golf about losing

12:10

But actually win and make any sense very

12:12

good careful with that flair there

12:14

now you Nearly look we

12:17

can do this brain can we I feel confident

12:19

Steve McKinney can pull off a glorious defeat

12:21

Well, it would be nice to go down to a scream

12:23

and defensive error in Kenny's last

12:26

competitive game for all time's sake

12:29

I'm after hearing now that Slovakia is

12:31

beaten Iceland So the hairy permutations

12:34

mean our chances of making it to the euros are

12:36

officially over Careful

12:40

there And

12:49

unfortunately no it's too jump

12:51

ride Oh god, I really just feel

12:53

the point the hockey tanger a bit of a metaphor

12:56

for the whole 10 year. I really did

12:59

A lot of smoke very little flame

13:03

Here the well into me eyes now and Total

13:07

collapse

13:22

Well, it was busy in the drawl this week his

13:24

TD's vote on not one but two motions calling

13:26

for action on Israel here to discuss It

13:28

is the social Democrats leader Holly Kerns

13:31

and Sinn Féin's Mary Lou McDonald's first

13:33

of all I think the order should be Mary Lou

13:35

right and then Holly right

13:37

Absolutely seniors should

13:40

always take president.

13:41

Excuse me Holly Kerns Why

13:43

did your party call for the expulsion of the Israeli

13:45

ambassador? Behold us to act

13:48

and with the establishment

13:48

parties hedging their bets We

13:51

felt it was time to

13:52

take the lead Mary Lou McDonald Were you one

13:54

of the establishment parties the deputy currents are referring

13:56

to look the more girl bosses there are

13:58

in Irish politics the best I'm not sure if you

14:00

ask me. Thank you so much.

14:03

You're welcome.

14:03

But my generation doesn't subscribe to

14:05

girl, boss, feminism,

14:06

outdated ideals. Oh yeah,

14:09

mine neither. But look, as soon

14:11

as the sock jams tabled their motion,

14:13

we backed it. And then promptly tabled

14:15

your own motion, calling for Israel to face the International

14:17

Criminal Court. That's right. Hijacking Holly's big

14:20

moment in many ways. Well, small to medium

14:22

sized moment, let's be honest. If

14:24

I may. What? This

14:25

is just the media trying to pit two

14:28

women against one another.

14:29

Yes, exactly right on, sister.

14:31

I have the utmost respect

14:34

for poor old Mary Lou.

14:35

Um, well, likewise, despite

14:38

her cheek. I've looked up to her since

14:40

I was a young child. Wow, and I've

14:42

looked down on her since March,

14:44

Jabba. Right, well you two are at least aligned

14:47

on a number of issues. Housing for one. Oh,

14:49

for sure. I mean- I'm a member of the first

14:51

generation worse off than our rents.

14:53

Yes, rents are terrible

14:56

and we- No. No? Rent

14:57

is what Gen Z call parents. Oh,

15:00

yes. I want to make homes

15:02

accessible to young pronouns

15:04

like

15:04

me. I think I understood about three

15:06

words of her whole point. People from generations

15:08

above me were able to buy

15:10

lavish, luxurious homes and

15:12

have them done

15:13

up. No comment. Deputy

15:15

Kearns, aren't you building a three bedroom

15:17

home in West Cork at the moment? Oh please, Jabba,

15:19

that's another catty story from the Indos.

15:22

She should sue if you ask me. It

15:24

would pay for the ensuite.

15:25

Suing is very nouveau

15:27

gauche. What? As are en suites. Um...

15:30

Also, I'm very concerned that

15:32

a supposed left wing party was endorsed

15:35

by a developer.

15:36

Ah, yes. Johnny Rohn and a Celtic

15:38

Tiger figure, if ever there was one, endorsing

15:40

your housing policy in Sinn Féis. Well, if

15:43

you'd let me finish, endorsements

15:45

are nice. Holly will know some day,

15:48

if she ever gets any. Right, well

15:50

passive aggressive compliments, veiled digs.

15:52

You guys should form a coalition. Over

15:54

my dead en suite, right? I

15:57

don't think they have them in nursing homes.

15:59

Oh, you... You are very leavers.

16:10

Your Majesty Lord Cameron, for his seal of office.

16:12

Yes, yes, his enemy. Your Majesty,

16:14

thank you. That was very quick. I only just

16:16

saw you arriving at number 10 on the television

16:18

and spent my camera mile across the Davenport.

16:21

Right. I thought maybe you were returning after remembering

16:23

you'd left your phone charger in there or...

16:26

No, no, the only thing I left behind in number 10 was

16:28

the dignity of the nation, sir. Which you set

16:30

fire to on the way out. What? Anyway, Lord

16:32

Cameron, please call me Dave. No,

16:34

no, no, no, I won't be doing this.

16:37

That's what all my chums call me on the terraces of my

16:39

favourite football team, West Hampton

16:42

Rovers or... Look, before one's

16:44

gout flares up, I must agree to that

16:46

ghastly fellow's decision to make you foreign

16:48

secretary of all things. Before that, may

16:51

I remind you we are in fact seventh cousin, sir. Ah,

16:53

yes, yes, it's all very depressingly

16:56

familiar. Your multiple great-grandmamma

16:58

with some Irish actress or... And

17:00

my great-great-great-repeat grandpapa was

17:03

King William IV. How long, my sister? Which

17:05

makes me closer relative to the other King Charles

17:08

than you are, sir. Ah, and there goes my

17:10

gout raging again. Oh, foreign

17:12

secretary, is it? Yada, yada, yada. Congratulations,

17:15

you're appointed. I suppose this means we're cozying up to the Chinese again, doesn't

17:17

it? No,

17:20

it's time to reverse course. What? Otherwise,

17:22

there's no point in indulging in this late-career

17:24

political opportunism. I knew to say everyone

17:26

dislikes the Chinese now. Right. If

17:28

only Papa'd lived to see all these racist

17:31

things he said finally become acceptable

17:33

in modern British politics. Well, everything's changed.

17:35

When I was last PM, we were one-nation Tories,

17:37

covered in rainbows, just an afternoon shy of

17:39

declaring our pronouns. These days, we're about 30

17:42

minutes from fracking the Earth until we can finally

17:44

declare it flat and then give David Iker peerage.

17:47

Yes, yes, yes, the ever-widening Overton

17:49

Windy. I think Suella Bravaman

17:51

used it to defenestrate the police last

17:53

week. I think we'll make a good title, Lord Cameron

17:56

of Overton. What about this lobbying

17:58

thingamie, this green- I feel it wasn't

18:00

his rum business. The scandal was all nicely

18:02

fudged by the Treasury, sir. And what's

18:05

this I hear that you're a member of the Illuminati?

18:07

It's actually called Illumina, sir. Gene

18:09

sequencing, but I've given that up now

18:12

as well. Though still persisting with your claim

18:14

to my genes, I knew it. What? Right,

18:16

let's sign this thing. Hopefully my porky

18:18

fingers will- Oh! Oh! Oh! Everything

18:21

all right? Sorry, I can't be with

18:23

him in a hundred yards of pork, sir,

18:25

because of the, um... Of course! The poor

18:28

sign business. Right. Anyway, remind

18:30

me who your foreign secretary was when you

18:32

were PM. I can't say it, sir,

18:35

as it also contains pork. Ah, yes,

18:37

let me say Hammond, wasn't it? Dear, oh dear,

18:39

right. God! Anyway, welcome back. Though

18:41

it feels like Groundhog Day if you don't

18:44

mind- Oh, thank you, sir, but let's leave the hog

18:46

out of this, shall we? Right. They're entitled to their

18:48

privacy, too. Bloody heck. Your

18:50

Majesty. How's

18:55

it going, lad? Where are the two Johnnies?

18:57

Where are the answers to the question? One of a couple of rural

19:00

service stations became sentient. Ah, lad,

19:02

if I could live above a circle, okay, I would. Dilly

19:04

counter downstairs! Non-stop breakfast rolls,

19:06

can you imagine?

19:07

I can! It's called the Two Johnnies Class

19:09

Guide to Cuisine, and it's in

19:11

stores now! Available at all good

19:13

petrol stations. Well, that's not what we're here to talk about, lad.

19:15

Oh, we're here to talk about something serious that affects us all.

19:18

Eh, the price of a pint? Ha! I wish,

19:20

lad. We had to get the Two Johnnies Lock-In Commission

19:22

just to get RT to pay for pints. Unreal,

19:24

lad! But it's true. Something terrible has happened

19:26

recently, and we need to address it here. Fair,

19:28

that's right. Yeah. The All-Stars are on, which means

19:31

the GAA season has officially ended! Ah,

19:33

same ain't so! It's like hearing a fella's emotions.

19:36

I don't want to hear them out loud. Lad. All-Stars

19:39

night marks the arrival of the dreaded GAA

19:41

winter. Well, we're here to save this winter. More to

19:43

life than GAA. Talking about the GAA and making

19:46

GAA a pillar of your personality. Really? Seriously?

19:48

Oh, you know, lad, but sure, that's what's written here in the script. Just

19:51

think of the payday! Gotcha, yeah.

19:52

Yeah! So, what else can we do in the meantime?

19:54

Oh, lad, have you ever heard of reading? It's

19:56

like a podcast, but for your eyes. Unreal,

19:59

sir, my-

19:59

I read something fascinating last week.

20:02

Yeah, what was it lad? The instructions on the pack

20:04

of frozen champagne. What? I didn't know it was

20:06

gonna happen now. No spoilers lads, but look

20:08

there's loads of other hobbies that you can take up like that like

20:10

learn to play music Yeah, maybe we should try that

20:13

sometime. Yeah, what is if

20:15

you're feeling pure down You can always just tell your

20:17

mates how you're feeling but in a safe environment

20:19

like screaming into their ear What a pie to one

20:22

hand and maniac 2000 the background living

20:24

the dream lad I'm sure if you don't feel like going out You

20:26

can always just go home and visit your man. Does

20:28

that what should won't do it? Then sure how else

20:30

are you gonna get red lemonade?

20:45

Well, this has been really a triumphant

20:47

week in number 10 at last copy

20:49

serious prime minister I prevented

20:51

Suella from stealing all the headlines by returning

20:53

Cameron to mid-ranking glory by

20:55

simply abusing the period system Why'd

20:58

I remind you sir that you're a champion of Brexit

21:00

which the now Lord Cameron then? Opposed

21:03

oh, well, we always do silly things when we're angry

21:06

or insanely rich angry He literally

21:08

sang to himself when he would reside at dawn

21:10

and left a steaming pile of Brexit on the country

21:12

in 2016 Yes But without the chaos

21:14

that ensued the standards of high office

21:17

would never have been lowered Sufficiently for

21:19

me to become PM. Well, so he has

21:21

done the state some service fair point

21:23

though The focus group say your biggest problem is that

21:25

you're too posh It hardly helps that

21:28

you bring in a man so posh there haven't been

21:30

fewer than three chins in his family for generations

21:32

Well, I see calm pragmatic

21:34

assuredness when I look at David really though He

21:37

is so polished I often also see my own terrified

21:39

face looking back at me when I stare at his

21:42

many chins and sue well It didn't exactly

21:44

slip away quietly Oh rather angry

21:47

three-page letter did manage to get a lot of coverage

21:49

as well as a lot of spittle splatter I

21:52

know she says I broke our 2019 election

21:54

promises claiming we failed in our promise

21:56

to hate trans people I think she means I

21:59

take exception to that. We didn't pledge to

22:01

achieve that, and yet we've done rather well

22:03

on that front, regardless. And she says

22:05

you broke a legal contract or promises

22:07

that you signed and returned for her support, Prime

22:09

Minister. Oh gosh, doesn't a legal

22:12

promise to break international law have any

22:14

legal standing, or… Well,

22:16

the Supreme Court has just told us that nothing we do

22:18

is any legal standing any longer, so… I

22:21

know, our Rwanda plan shot down from the

22:23

sky, but it's just a bit of turbulence

22:25

in our plan to end migration, that's all it

22:27

is. You're not seriously considering bypassing

22:29

the courts by declaring Rwanda a safe

22:31

country, it would be like trying to declare

22:34

Peckham a UNESCO World Heritage

22:36

Site. It does sound far-fetched. Yes! Perhaps

22:39

we can make Rwanda a law, like we

22:41

did with David. That way we can make anything

22:43

unpalatable possible. Ah, very well.

22:45

I shall let the Attorney General Noah back

22:47

to breaking the law in a very specific

22:49

and limited way. And I'm going to regard this

22:52

week as a tremendous success by very

22:54

specifically limiting my recognition of how

22:56

disastrous it was. Right, I'm off

22:58

to find out who's in the next batch of Suelas,

23:00

pretties and Nadines in the ranks, who'll

23:03

no doubt be selling crazy on GB news

23:05

by tea time. Prime Minister, great

23:07

times. Alright,

23:14

later on my team will be sharing a film going

23:16

through my achievements as Minister for Housing,

23:19

sounds like the world's shortest film. Hello,

23:21

OK, I'm here as well, not because I want to be,

23:23

but because I have to be. Did I say that the

23:26

wrong way around? T-Shock, do you think being present

23:28

for a bog standard housing update is a sign of

23:30

an election coming? Absolutely not,

23:32

but if I did send out a message it's that this

23:34

government isn't anyone but Shinners United

23:36

Front, like Bonnie and Clyde, or Helmand

23:39

Louise, or... It's hard to think of one

23:41

where they don't die horrifically in the end. Enough of

23:43

that, I'm on one topic today,

23:45

that topic is hell with the targets, but only

23:47

very specific ones that look good for us. Because

23:50

Darragh gets it done! The number of unions- No,

23:52

no, I get to say the good news. You deal with the

23:54

grim reality. We are on course

23:56

to exceed this year's building target of 29,000 units. teach

24:00

us work. You're welcome. But these are just houses

24:02

more built to rent prisons for insanely high

24:04

rents. What about social and affordable homes?

24:07

Well I've never actually met a Finnewell

24:09

voter who lived in an affordable home so I'll pass

24:12

this question over to the necklace wonder on my left.

24:14

Depends on what you mean by affordable. They told me

24:16

it wasn't affordable to eat a kebab at every point

24:18

but I still found a way. Two thirds

24:20

of these new flats are in Dublin. What about the rest of the

24:23

country? The what? Are you off your loaf? What

24:25

the minister means is I'm sure if there

24:27

were places that exist outside of Dublin we'd

24:29

have heard about them by now. You keep telling us things

24:32

are getting better but homeless numbers are still on

24:34

the rise. Look you can't use actual data,

24:36

statistics and human stories to measure a housing

24:38

crisis. It can only be measured by us saying stuff like

24:40

momentum is growing and we

24:43

are taunting a corner. Gareth.

24:45

Also don't forget homelessness is normal

24:47

and trendy now. How have you still only spent less

24:49

than half of the 4 billion euro put aside

24:52

for social and affordable this year? Well that's

24:54

it. We'll definitely spend it. There's at least

24:56

one homeless charity margin money scandal so

24:59

by the time we've bailed out all the usual Irish

25:01

shambles we'll definitely have blown that

25:03

budget. That's right. Because Dara gets

25:05

it done. This is the first time you're actually reaching

25:07

building targets after 13 years in power

25:10

teacher. How do you explain? Well let's not forget

25:12

Fina Falls started this whole mess and we never

25:14

really bothered fixing it because well they'd

25:16

never learn anything that way if we did. And Fina

25:18

Gail caused the rental crisis what with letting

25:20

in all the tax dodging landlord firms, returning

25:23

to bed, seat, air, B&B, co-living. So

25:25

we're not bothering to fix that or they

25:27

won't learn better neither. See how

25:30

united we are. Now is this thing over? Because

25:32

I shouldn't really be seen next to a man who looks like

25:34

he's never passed a carbohydrate he hasn't

25:36

pulverised. Gildee is charged. Minister

25:38

you have a release of figures for social and affordable

25:40

homes. Are we off target yet again? Well

25:43

oh and here's the grim reality. So I'm off.

25:45

T-shirt. Look at see here these

25:48

sheets contain the social homes target.

25:50

So get me some red sauce and watch me while

25:53

I eat them down. Oh,

26:01

lad!