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1:02

Vineyard Twins. Will Joe ever

1:04

learn his lesson about T

1:06

I Say. Hi

1:24

Brian I one glove a piece

1:26

today you will be. I don't mind

1:28

the your hands are bigger than mine

1:31

too. I feel like I'm forget the

1:33

O J. This would have been great

1:35

Roger who remote the glove does

1:37

for beer. I'm going to promote address

1:40

you too big a he's like that

1:42

would never wear. A to

1:44

glove. It's too big specially when our

1:46

murder and be stupid have you say

1:48

we got trying to murder someone in

1:50

the glass flying off? What would I

1:52

ever do? Know what an inconvenience? Episode

1:54

Eighty Nine Sign up the Patriarch. You'll

1:56

find the lake of the episode Description

1:59

got exclusive more. We got more of

2:01

that coming for you head over to can you don't podcast

2:03

comm to check out all the merch we got Additional

2:05

content on the end of every show if you do

2:07

subscribe on patreon, so thank you Do you

2:10

want to see something on the show send it in to

2:12

hey guys at can you don't podcast comm guess

2:14

what? We're doing on the show today. I Don't

2:17

know what are we doing? God

2:19

why that wire goose is laying down.

2:21

She's or he or she's laying down

2:24

ready to get what cloud?

2:26

It's like ready to like a confession booth.

2:28

Yeah I'm like

2:31

I just pictured a glory hole in the confession booth

2:35

Hey before I before I tell you this can you

2:37

knock this out real quick? Sorry, it's hard to her

2:39

confession with my dick in your mouth shut out the

2:42

middle man. Yeah, right exactly I mean it makes sense.

2:45

We did get some male. Oh, we

2:47

get a lot of male Thank you to everybody who sent it

2:49

in if you want to get some female I'll tell you what

2:51

if you want to send something in you find or you can

2:53

find a link to Or at

2:55

least like what our physical PO box is the

2:57

episode description But you remember when we got the

2:59

the dick course that you remember that they were

3:02

sent in by yo And she also did a

3:04

crazy. Yes letter, so she did a follow-up. Okay.

3:06

I'm gonna read it right now It

3:09

has the the the wax the wax

3:11

oil and everything on aged paper

3:15

And it says here we go says an e on

3:17

ago. I sent wait wait

3:19

Do you have like old-timey music or anything you

3:21

could play like I wish I had like a

3:23

flute or something I wish but it is yeah

3:28

That always killed me by the

3:30

way about old war like someone's

3:33

just on a piccolo The

3:42

guy playing the drums that guy playing a piccolo When

3:47

they're walking to their death

3:51

And no one shoots them no, that's the first person

3:53

I shoot Everyone

3:57

just lets them keep on fucking playing the

4:00

pipe yeah but the first thing I'd like

4:02

I mean I left

4:05

the flag go drop fine well

4:08

you know what they always do in the movies like Patriot

4:10

the flag flies and then it runs up there gets it

4:12

and picks it up and runs up there

4:15

like you drop your gun to go

4:17

pick up the flag yeah

4:19

you're naked now it was a weird time yeah

4:21

I mean all of it but

4:23

says an eon ago I sent a

4:25

lengthy letter with some lengthy fingerless leather

4:27

penis gloves today

4:30

the letter is short and

4:32

the dick corsets even shorter well

4:35

because you hadn't mentioned that they'd only

4:37

fit when rock hard so

4:39

I hastened up to fashion some shorter ones

4:41

to enjoy on shorter occasions okay then

4:44

I procrastinated like a motherfucker and only

4:47

finally now got to sending them enjoy

4:49

your filthy animals love your daughter and

4:52

knees yo ps the

4:54

timestamp on the first letter brings you

4:56

to win zaccy poo said that you

4:58

should get those made or whatever and

5:01

then here's this made me laugh so hard

5:05

he's a little rhyme she wrote at the end okay I'm

5:08

not sure if it's a thing but if you came up

5:10

with this boy 20 says hickory dickory doc I

5:12

rhymed cock with cock how

5:15

could I make such a rookie mistake when many

5:18

more words rhyme with cock yeah but no better

5:20

words rhyme with cock

5:22

good stuff yo good job I

5:24

know so we got these and

5:26

they're fancied up they got lace

5:28

yeah those definitely is like flaccid

5:31

yeah I like the length I'll go ahead and

5:33

tie and then there's still gonna be too big

5:35

and they're different lengths like some are shorter somewhere

5:37

a little longer okay so I

5:39

think we might have to just try them on we

5:42

all just we just passed in a circle that one

5:44

doesn't fit me here you try that one this was

5:46

a little snug this one makes my head look too

5:48

big thank you I already

5:51

told Cassie about it so I'll be

5:53

trying that on later oh yeah a

5:55

quick email from our son Brandon who

5:57

writes I snuck sex on me

5:59

into My valentine's evening playlist. Yes.

6:02

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. Oh, what? You

6:04

don't like it? I don't know, man. Come and

6:06

tell me what your wildest pain is. I

6:09

don't think it's that bad. Come here. No,

6:12

no, no, no, no, no. Get in my head

6:14

so hard. This is the best line in the

6:16

history of music. Okay, we've got to

6:19

find the fill. We've got to find that

6:21

fill. I'm a drug man. Pussy hot, we're

6:23

dripping. I'm a man. Get a

6:25

hold of him and his mom and dad. Got

6:27

it. Hold on, I gotta find the jokes. That's

6:30

not gonna be real. No. I

6:34

got that filter in your bed. I'm

6:36

gonna propose something. What is it? That

6:39

Zach finds it on his phone or

6:41

something. And then gives us the timestamp.

6:43

And then you can. Okay,

6:46

that sounds good. That's a good idea. I've had

6:48

enough of that. If he's feeling saucy back there.

6:50

Find it and give me the timestamp. Okay. The

6:53

link, you can find the link in the, it's hard

6:55

to find, people can't find it. Actually, I

6:57

guess if I give you his name, how many plays does it have

6:59

now? It is up to 257. Whoa.

7:02

It had gotta be, what did it have, three?

7:06

No, I thought I had like 17 or something. Yeah,

7:08

it was not good. Yeah. It

7:11

was not good. What's his name again? Joseph Morrow.

7:13

Let's blow this guy up, people. Guys, get this

7:15

guy, let's get into a thousand plays at least

7:17

on Sex on Me. That can't

7:19

be that bad. Let's reach out and do, what? Let's

7:23

reach out to him. No, we'll

7:25

do a remix with him. Okay. We'll

7:28

redo the song with him. Fly him

7:30

out. Yeah. Get some

7:32

actual audio on it. Fuck yeah,

7:34

dude. No, I feel bad if I

7:37

actually liked it. But the problem, I guess it

7:40

is kind of an earworm. Yeah, it is.

7:42

It's in there, it's a good song. Okay. And

7:46

it gets to like the, WW, it's just

7:48

like this huge chorus of people. WW,

7:51

that's coming all over me.

7:54

All over. All right,

7:56

should we get the show going? All right, let's roll it.

7:58

Zack! Whoops. Hey,

8:02

shut up, it's on show already.

8:04

Whoo! It's

8:06

not too bad, eh? It's probably

8:08

because he's looking for the time. I'm looking to have sex

8:10

on me. That's all right, we'll just leave

8:12

it and keep going. So, this

8:15

is an interesting one, and just the picture it paints

8:18

is very funny to me. What

8:20

amount of money would it

8:22

take for you to eat all the clothes you're

8:25

currently wearing in a

8:27

24 hour period? Guys,

8:32

definitely would like to, I'd like to be asked

8:34

this question in the summertime. Yeah, or

8:36

in a nude beach? Ooh. You're

8:39

only in a regular beach. You're only wearing a

8:42

condom? And you're like,

8:44

I don't know, 10 bucks? Quick side note, have you

8:46

ever been to a nude beach? I have, but

8:48

I'm not getting naked. Okay, I was curious. I

8:50

was just browsing. I think I'd

8:52

love to go to a nude beach, but I wouldn't want to be nude.

8:55

But I would love to just sit there and just

8:58

be, watch dude and Don, flowing

9:01

in the wind. I'd love to watch some zicks

9:03

flapping off some swine in some wind. Just

9:06

walk down the beach and they're just going

9:08

slap, slap, back and forth. You're trying to

9:10

film a sunset? Because like this guy, this

9:12

dick just walks in and then

9:15

looks there, stretches, and then turns

9:17

to the camera and he goes, oop. And then it's a

9:19

quick dick getting out of the way of a sunset. Just

9:24

a fast little dick shuffle. Oop, sorry.

9:29

And that's better than a sunset. So it's

9:32

a win-win really. Well the

9:34

moon's out tonight, man. Hey-oh, that's

9:36

funny. Totally claps, am I

9:38

right? What's

9:41

the idea of eating your clothes?

9:44

When I did some research to

9:46

figure out because I was like, can you eat

9:48

clothes? And I thought about animals. I

9:51

was like, if your dog eats a piece

9:53

of fabric and it's a

9:55

problem, like they have to get surgery to get

9:57

that fabric removed. Yeah. Or

10:00

they, I mean, it depends on how big the fabric is, but if

10:02

a dog eats a fucking sock, there's

10:04

no way that sock's coming all the way through.

10:07

Like a whole sock? What if you eat like

10:09

a pair of leather boots? I mean,

10:11

you're just eating cow. It's funny that you bring up

10:13

leather because leather has calories. So,

10:16

I mean, you're eating, and in some parts

10:18

of the world, they will cut up leather,

10:21

like cowhide, and put it in soup or

10:24

in noodles, but it's

10:26

cut and it's cooked and it's ready to go. It's

10:31

picturing you. Is it called hide because they hide

10:33

it in soup? They don't want you to know.

10:35

It's not, yeah, hide and seek. That's how the

10:37

name came about. Like picturing you, because you're always

10:40

wearing a washed-in or a mariner's hat. Yeah. And

10:43

you're like, no, I don't know. You

10:46

pick your favorite amount of money. I'm

10:49

guessing, I can't fight the bill. We'll

10:52

get to the money in a second. But

10:54

picturing you like what you're boiling your hat,

10:57

you're pushing it around, your wife walks in,

11:00

you're like cauldron. Yeah, you get your cauldron.

11:03

Got all your clothes in there and you're just pouring like

11:05

some soy sauce in. Your wife's like, what

11:07

the fuck are you doing? Be like, I don't

11:10

know, but we're about to be rich. I gotta eat all my

11:12

clothes, hun. Imagine

11:14

seasoning it and stuff. You're like, to taste,

11:16

you're like, taste it and it needs more.

11:18

Don't taste the sweatshirt. It needs more. What

11:22

would make a shirt

11:24

taste better? Poison. Ranch

11:27

dressing. Little bit of ranch. You

11:29

got a little ranch on your shirt. Little ranch on

11:31

your shoes. Because your shoes have to go

11:34

down. Imagine having

11:36

to cook for Gordon Ramsay

11:38

or something, but it's clothes

11:40

and he's like, this is shit. I'm

11:43

like, well, I don't have much to work with. I don't

11:45

know what you want, these are fucking pants. What

11:47

do you want from me, dude? What do you want from me?

11:49

I'm cooking crocs. A crock

11:51

pot. How'd you cook it? In

11:53

a crock pot, duh. What the fuck else am

11:56

I cooking, Gordon? You

11:58

fucking stupid bastard. Do you have

12:00

a shoe pot? No, okay. I'll go get the

12:02

crock pot But you're trying

12:04

to eat your fucking clothes These

12:08

would be these pants. They're in They're

12:10

kind of like, you know, they're I could probably

12:12

you think you're

12:14

gonna have The money part

12:17

comes down to surgery for me. Yeah, you

12:19

gotta have money left Do you have risking your life?

12:22

You have to have money left over after the inevitable

12:24

surgery you're gonna need What

12:27

do you think it's good? I mean if you had to put

12:29

an actual amount on it I'm in a

12:31

million bucks. We've talked about this before like it just

12:33

doesn't feel like enough and 24

12:36

hours doesn't feel like enough, right? I Mean

12:39

you can you can throw all your clothes and like some

12:41

acid In dissolve

12:44

it all juice it. Yeah, you sure clothes.

12:46

Yeah, I sure you could Like

12:49

I mean you have your watch is that clothing there's

12:52

an accessory That's an accessory.

12:54

Okay, so anything your phone well, it's even

12:56

a hat's an accessory Sweats

12:58

are accessory at this point. It's got to be like

13:01

it's it's man It's like clothing that

13:03

you need to yeah But

13:06

that we're talking about shoes here. Mm-hmm.

13:08

Those are those are I'm gonna count

13:10

those as clothing, right? Yeah. Yeah So

13:13

like moon boots winter coats. Yeah, you're it

13:15

just depends. I mean right now. I mean

13:17

the t-shirt pants underwear socks and shoes That's

13:20

what I have to put down into my stomach. You

13:23

can do it See,

13:25

but look at this like thanks. I'm wearing a

13:27

sweatshirt and you're not I mean the advantage that

13:29

you would have right out of the gate and

13:31

Craig got sweatshirts. I'm not gonna take a lot

13:33

I'm not wearing a hat. Yeah, I

13:36

mean eating a hat but we

13:38

decided that's an accessory really. Yeah,

13:40

it's cut It's not a necessary

13:42

part of your outfit I

13:44

mean we're going back to nude beach. I mean

13:46

is anything that you're not wearing a hat Well,

13:49

I know Okay, it's got to be the

13:52

things that you would need to wear to go into

13:54

a store like no shoes no shirt No,

13:56

chat no No

13:58

service Yeah glasses Living

14:03

a t-shirt I need them an upper wear

14:05

a lower wear in shoes. It's a fabric

14:07

It's a fabric. Yeah, okay, so just the

14:09

fabric that you're wearing is it possible to

14:11

eat fingerless gloves I don't think it's possible.

14:13

I mean, there's leather in their leather. They're

14:15

tougher than fuck though. Yeah, they are tough

14:17

Well, that's why you just need one of

14:19

these guys. So am I you chop them

14:21

up? Let's play. Yes. Do

14:23

you have yours? Oh, no Mine's

14:27

in a trash can Be

14:29

careful, we can put it. I was just gonna

14:32

see how tough are these go you push them

14:34

straight into your palm So

14:40

clothing I think that you

14:42

can get away you can you could melt it

14:44

down into a fucking pants smoothie Right,

14:47

you could dissolve it and then eat it

14:49

to pants feet. Yeah Yeah,

14:53

I mean, how would you do that though? That's All

14:56

the chemicals that are here like it's not

14:59

gonna be good for you No, like it

15:01

really could kill you. Yeah. So what amount

15:03

of money would you be setting? I

15:06

would want to be done without

15:08

playing the money game if

15:10

I'm gonna eat my fucking outfit Yeah

15:14

So I'm gonna pick I'm gonna go

15:16

high a billion. No, that's too high. I'll go

15:18

a hundred million Like

15:20

it I'm done. I'm done for life. I don't need any more

15:22

money Hundred million I'm done you

15:25

invest it You

15:28

have enough to help people out and unless

15:30

you're living like a fucking lunatic You're gonna

15:32

be done and your kids are done. Everyone's

15:34

done for the rest of their life You

15:37

should to have a good life your fellow

15:39

podcast host. I mean, yeah million. No, no,

15:41

no, you didn't eat your cat You

15:44

were all caught on your hat and I'm gonna remember that

15:46

when I have a hundred million dollars. Hmm You

15:49

gotta be quicker. You gotta be quicker than that The

15:53

Geico commercial. Mmm Eat

15:55

your hat then I would start paying you

15:57

just eat your hat He

16:00

bring a job I o n slide new

16:02

couple dollars your exit hear you over the

16:04

yard where i'm pretty fast on the ah

16:07

the helicopter landing but i'm swedish your hat

16:09

yes. No member

16:11

of give you a million give you

16:13

one Mil viewed that fucking hat. You

16:15

walk around and off it for entertainment.

16:18

And be like. It. Yourself is a

16:20

communique. I'll give you fifty grand of

16:22

ears. Are you your hat right now?

16:25

And that Are you fucking serious? Yes Telling

16:27

us housing I got this month these given

16:29

must not ago Fucking steak knife and affordable

16:31

User know. Sooner. Twenty minutes

16:34

now. Memory: so brutal movie at

16:36

the Pay for surgery. Front.

16:38

Of for Compusa have furthered

16:41

contestants on Us. Have

16:44

been worse. Even worse than I

16:46

have no securities they get on

16:48

this. I did go for

16:50

a hundred granted price. Or

16:52

an undergraduate eat your outfit selected to turn

16:55

one hundred grand into something. Blows but I'm

16:57

And boots that you're wearing assists a weekend

16:59

of act of hard knocks. You get twenty

17:01

four hours. I can do. See.

17:04

Two hundred gram. Usually

17:06

your been mean let's see what happens. The.

17:09

Separatists ahmad on think we have

17:11

enough. Insurance to cover Zach dying

17:13

from eating is fucking Boots as a

17:15

go fund me would touch with for

17:18

me like now now he's on. he's

17:20

gonna win. This game is not going

17:22

to happen on agree of his game

17:24

Boots When I do things go fund

17:26

me. Go Go fuck yourself Catholicism Zoc

17:28

on speak about your seven minute song

17:30

Had me without Scalia for fifty times

17:32

and really it was towards the end.

17:34

Their yeah I knew it was. I

17:36

knew a summer on their. Demise

17:39

zoomed wait no in the song with

17:41

the videos not loading right? That.

17:44

Makes more sense. Because.

17:46

It's so he showed me that the songs four minutes last.

17:54

Semester. Maybe the next or

17:56

in the next or yes and new

17:58

member. But the video is

18:00

only showing me so much

18:04

when I loaded it. All right, here we go As

18:23

long as everyone meets up on that crash, you know

18:25

nothing yeah, you gotta end on the crash I'm gonna

18:28

go I'm gonna go high just because of my health

18:31

and I'm worried about actually getting sick and dying

18:33

and that's terrible So I need

18:35

to be having a an

18:37

immortal amount of money So if you

18:39

start eating it how disappointing like running

18:41

a marathon Like I'm

18:43

thinking of Iron Man If you don't an Iron

18:45

Man is like you have to swim you have

18:47

to bike you have to run an ungodly amount

18:50

of fucking shit And you have

18:52

to finish before midnight. Yeah, you get done

18:54

with your underwear and you're like

18:57

you're like time and it's like 1202

19:00

you're like, sorry. Sorry the

19:02

Dennis world record guys cry and

19:04

leave just leave your house and you're

19:07

just fucking you're like You're just

19:09

naked and full your clothes Sitting

19:13

in the chair completely naked Just

19:17

throw up a bandana Peace

19:20

out of your mouth The

19:23

bandana back in that's what would be that's

19:25

what would suck about this is like you

19:27

don't get it and then everyone's disappointed There's

19:29

a crowd watching and then you die and

19:31

they go you walk off and then you're

19:33

sitting there like Make

19:36

it make it with one sock on I'm

19:40

sorry kids thought daddy could do it It's

19:44

not Phil. I don't know man. It's the health

19:46

concerns. So I'm gonna have to go big.

19:48

I'm gonna go huge 100,000

19:50

I'm going 100 million believe that Dollars

19:54

yeah, I'm kind of a hoe one

19:57

like two years of living I've eaten gas

19:59

station burritos for decades bro I can handle

20:01

it if the gas station burrito

20:04

was wrapped in a fucking t-shirt yeah but

20:06

would you eat would you eat that lifetime

20:08

of of burritos in a

20:10

24-hour period no yeah

20:13

just I'm just saying it kind of made my

20:15

stomach stronger man do

20:17

you need a fortress for

20:21

my boots probably yeah yeah your body's not

20:23

digesting it imagine having to shit out a

20:25

sweatshirt funny

20:28

that is that's my can you don't sweat

20:30

oh just wrapped in turd just it comes

20:32

out I mean you get to cut it

20:34

out but I mean you get to cut

20:36

it up but imagine you didn't and

20:38

you're like oh I'm like just just

20:40

the string of your sweatshirt comes out your

20:43

butthole yeah you're like this it's

20:45

clean yeah it's brand new and washed your

20:47

your o-ring like I just don't

20:51

I think you'd die yeah so dissolving

20:53

it an acid and making it

20:55

somewhat like you can actually chew it has

20:57

to be the only way and I feel like that's

21:01

yeah I feel like that's cheating like you just got to

21:03

eat it they're cutting up and chew it and swallow you

21:05

just got to eat it so tiny tiny pieces like throw

21:08

all your I mean just think about like this and

21:10

like try and then throw all your clothes through

21:12

a wood chipper at least maybe and get into

21:14

pieces that you could actually swallow man

21:18

too much I don't know whatever I put that

21:20

in the situation they just give you a steak

21:22

knife and a fork like a right in a

21:24

plate and go to town and then you just

21:26

take off your stacked up like pancakes when you

21:29

said steak like or steak knife and fork I

21:31

guess picture this actually being a formal setting like

21:33

in a restaurant and you're you know you

21:35

call out like this won't do waiter

21:38

and they come over yes yes sir sitting

21:40

there naked and you're like this for Dora tastes

21:42

like shit excuse

21:45

me I thought I got the the organic socks

21:48

sir he's like these are I'm I'm

21:51

cotton free I can guarantee these are

21:53

the finest quality we only serve

21:56

the finest And you're like I don't know

21:58

you pick it up has Kirkland stamped on the bottom. Yeah

22:00

like a these. The final thoughts. I

22:03

have no idea how they got their sales olives

22:05

or take this right back to sick as right

22:07

back to the dishwasher. Ah ok let's move on

22:09

to what you think it about. Guess what? If.

22:11

It's he has a story. oh boy I guess

22:13

who it's from me to. Tell

22:17

me what so big that he

22:19

thinking about. ah you know nothing.

22:21

You know what I'm thinking about

22:23

a lot assists know you thinking

22:25

about three. Tell me that I

22:27

wasn't arrows. Out of pocket

22:30

he out of the pretty clear than I

22:32

was not a pocket for. of the comments

22:34

about the the knife or it does little

22:36

bit ago you tell me the know guys

22:39

are let everyone down but this is not

22:41

a Switchblade story. To

22:44

use for it. Was. No

22:46

but I I leaned over and we

22:48

both felt like I was going far

22:50

as what a funny they see ghosts

22:53

are you leaning have a different purpose

22:55

that afar to school time I was

22:57

leaning to fart money to nominate. When

22:59

you looked at me mina stopped to

23:02

sell civil Iii Go right we talk

23:04

about this successes right? Never the was

23:06

fine with the Hawaiian. Hello!

23:08

Had a blast Came back he

23:10

only came back. I went to

23:13

Seattle first time cause Cassie at

23:15

work demand we're saving the air

23:17

Bnb and than I had to

23:19

fly back by myself from Seattle.

23:21

The smoking ban on all by

23:23

myself. what are the is? pretty

23:25

cool rounds great Pulled it off

23:27

he estimated at getting arrested and

23:29

diggers is no was looking after

23:31

me. Family will motivate back on

23:33

it and get back to go.

23:35

Downfall sounds, Smile, Dance Who are

23:37

seen as. A senator has

23:40

an eye. On the

23:42

way back. Matt. As.

23:45

I would have regular of that whatever school they

23:47

want to put on the weight of why. I

23:51

didn't bring switch when I brought know

23:53

nice so that's smart. On the way

23:55

back. I brought

23:57

the same shit. that i had

23:59

rotten to Hawaii with me

24:01

on the Seattle to Spokane flight, right?

24:03

So you bought a machete in Hawaii.

24:06

Right. Secretly, off the black market.

24:08

No, on the way to

24:10

Hawaii, we checked everything, right?

24:13

So there's different rules between a

24:15

carry-on and then what you can

24:17

check. Mm-hmm. And because just to have

24:19

an extra hand and we are already checking shit,

24:22

why not check my bag on

24:25

the way to Hawaii instead of wheel it

24:27

around the airport, right? Makes sense. You

24:29

get it. But flying from

24:31

Seattle to Spokane, I needed my suitcase, I had all

24:33

my clothes in it. Okay? Mm.

24:36

So I just packed that. It

24:38

already is pretty much packed. So when it's time

24:40

to fly from Seattle to Spokane, I

24:42

just get that little carry-on, I get my

24:45

backpack, bye everybody, go

24:47

to the airport, and I'm flying back so we can record the

24:49

show. When I get to the

24:51

airport, I'm TSA pre-check, right?

24:54

We've covered that. So shoes

24:56

are on, I'll have to take my computer out.

24:58

Like things are so great. God, it feels good.

25:00

Like I'm just, I'm above everybody else and

25:03

everybody else can fucking suck my dick. So

25:05

I'm going through and my backpack comes

25:07

out and I'm like, cool, no switch blades. Like

25:09

I didn't actually bring a switch blade. And I put it

25:12

on and then I look back and the next bag that

25:14

comes through is not my carry-on. And I went, ah man,

25:16

what happened? And then the next bag's

25:18

not my carry-on. I'm like, God

25:20

damn it. And then I look back behind the

25:23

X-ray machine, there's my bag. Some

25:25

guy's digging through it. Not yet. It's

25:28

sitting back there and I'm like, what the

25:30

fuck, dude? And I'm like, there's nothing, it's

25:32

my fucking clothes. So it

25:35

comes down the little chute. You have a track

25:37

record that far. Yeah, maybe. You're on a list.

25:39

And it's not getting better. I

25:42

can promise you that much. I heard it, I got

25:44

a zack flash. I got a ha ha, ha ha,

25:46

through the door. So it's not gonna get

25:48

better after this. And so it goes down the side chute

25:50

and the guy grabs it and goes, is he your bag?

25:53

I'm like, yeah, let's go dig through this.

25:55

He brings it over and for whatever

25:58

reason, there's a family. And

26:00

it was it was like a giant Asian family and

26:03

I don't know what they were like But they were

26:05

all getting their bags checked too, so I'm not sure

26:07

if they knew the rules so there there is a

26:09

mob Standing around well

26:11

my bag gets checked okay. They're

26:14

all watching you You're all watching me because all their

26:16

shit's getting checked too. I don't know what happened to

26:18

them I have no idea, but all I know is

26:20

my bags there, and there's an audience and the

26:23

TSA Guy he

26:25

opens it up, and he goes he goes it does

26:27

this he does this little number Leans

26:29

over looks at the monitor to see like

26:31

where where the problem is Right

26:35

at this moment. I have no idea. What's wrong,

26:38

and he goes huh? There's like a little thing you did like

26:40

you know adjust his glasses a little bit And

26:43

he digs his hand in the front there and then

26:45

grab just pulls out a giant fucking bottle of lube

26:54

In the way he set it down If

27:00

by the sword I met a sword ready just full

27:03

bottle like we didn't even use it Yeah, we brought

27:05

it in case things got fun. Yeah, and we didn't

27:07

even we didn't fucking use it You forgot a new

27:09

model of lube. I forget the name of

27:12

it. I'm sure it's like I don't

27:14

I do not know lube No, it's lube life

27:17

And it's in giant letters across

27:20

this giant tuba lube in

27:22

the way It seriously

27:24

was on the metal little platform and

27:26

he goes boom I'm

27:29

looking at it. I go. Oh my god. I start laughing This

27:36

giant Asian family is all just And

27:42

I look at him they look at me and I go I Do

27:46

a little shrug and he goes okay. You

27:48

got two. I was like you can throw it away All

27:53

right here your options yeah, just cut them off Because

27:55

you've got like you can throw it away, and he goes okay

28:00

Just throws it in the other metal thing and I

28:02

was gonna say like an empty garbage can It

28:08

busts open and then he slips on it

28:11

no But it was a family

28:13

slip on it. It wasn't like your your travel

28:15

size of lube Yeah, it was like, you know,

28:17

yeah the hefty lube, right? It's got

28:19

to cover your day 20 Yeah, 20

28:21

ounces of fucking life of fucking

28:24

lube like It's not

28:26

go where do you get the word you get

28:28

it online? Yeah, and we didn't even use it

28:30

not one goddamn time It was still sealed and

28:33

everything. It was that it had been worked and anyone

28:35

who's ever bought and lube Get

28:37

yours ever Zach Really

28:40

probably Brian Extremely

28:43

expensive for no reason and I've never bought

28:45

it by itself. The reason is because you

28:47

don't know how to make it Yeah,

28:50

yeah, that's why it's so expensive like it's I

28:52

mean that was probably like a fucking $40 20

28:57

ounce bottle of fucking lube life lube is

28:59

pretty amazing. How he doesn't like lotion will

29:02

just Rub into the skin

29:04

lube just it can irritate. Yeah, lube's just like

29:06

what's up, dude. Let's go Uh-huh. Yeah, you ready?

29:08

Like I don't even care if you're turned on

29:10

we're fucking doing this. That's a lube's job Yeah,

29:12

and lube has one job has one job. It

29:14

does it well It's

29:16

like we don't care we're making this happen I've

29:19

had a busy day. Well Lube

29:21

life. I don't know my I don't

29:23

know commercial. I don't know my brain's just like I feel

29:25

like I can't do it Lube

29:27

life like no you can you can do

29:29

this. You absolutely you're gonna have no problem.

29:32

You can fit it lube life Hash brown blue blip Just

29:36

slammed it out and he's like, all right. Well, we can throw it

29:38

away I'm

29:40

not going to the back of the security line for

29:43

a fucking bottle of lube. You go check this Take

29:47

it up to the little

30:00

tag on it yeah they wrap it

30:02

around the top so when they put

30:04

it in there

30:07

yeah too good too good fuck

30:11

what you have to just wait right right you

30:13

would yeah let's say that comes yours you're waiting

30:15

for everyone to get their bag mm-hmm there's

30:18

mine and then they want you're still

30:20

waiting like oh man where's my bag

30:22

oh wait so everyone

30:25

clears out guys like is this your

30:27

whose lube is this oh thank you

30:29

that's mine the guy when I just

30:31

picture the guy you know when you're

30:33

like can Joe Paisley please come up

30:35

to that we have to talk to

30:37

the boarding area like that kind of

30:40

thing yeah there's people hundreds

30:42

of people waiting for an airplane if they called you

30:44

up is this your lube sir mm-hmm rookie

30:46

arriving rookie mistake we you know you traveling with

30:48

sex toys you check it you know someone has

30:50

to look at it you hit the next-rate

30:53

machine but people are

30:55

freaks and if you don't have to deal with it

30:57

face-to-face you're like I'll just check this stuff but

30:59

that was the first time in my I'd rather

31:03

get caught with switchblade than a giant bottle oh

31:05

yeah for sure but I mean I all I

31:07

guess fuck I laughed my ass off and

31:09

I was like yes I guess what she goes what

31:11

like just so I

31:13

guess what TSA just found and she's

31:15

like but I'm trying to guess I

31:18

was like no did she know you brought it but no

31:20

like I had no no no she knew I brought it

31:22

we had no idea where it was so it's in the

31:25

very bottom of my carry-on under all my clothes and I

31:27

had no idea what was in there so

31:29

anyway that was funny you

31:32

got anything else to add about lube life hash

31:34

brown I know I mean we could get into

31:36

a whole thing I get it

31:38

whole thing yeah I just I think it's any

31:40

time I mean sexual things are

31:43

funny I think I told you about the time that

31:45

we almost prank one of my buddies and Vegas

31:47

we were gonna buy a vibrator with that I had a

31:49

remote and when it was going through

31:52

we're gonna turn it on so they had to dig

31:54

through his bag and I imagine him pulling out this

31:56

giant veiny dildo that he'd had no idea was in

31:58

there putting that thing on the metal tape We have

32:01

the remote fuck with it Change

32:10

the vibrator pattern Asians

32:18

chasing it down the fucking terminal Shit

32:30

Degate, yeah. All right, let's let's take a

32:32

look at the professions. Okay, we got a

32:34

while I mean, it's very drunk and sex.

32:36

Yeah today, which knows these go ahead and

32:38

him There's something magical

32:41

about unboxing when you unbox

32:43

Brit box you uncover a world

32:45

of British entertainment Stream

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Grant unboxed lip box and escaped

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to the best of British TV

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Stream with a free trial at bit box.com I

33:18

Forgot that you do that. Mm-hmm and then

33:21

record so I thought you were you just

33:23

did that. Oh, yeah Yeah, I

33:25

thought that was you just then sorry. Sorry confessions.

33:27

Do you want to take the first

33:29

one? I'll take it Yeah, you're gonna fucking gobble

33:31

this thing up. Oh, yeah. All right. It was

33:33

quite the story. Yeah Hello,

33:36

Papa and Papa as well as uncle Zach

33:38

with his big sack. Do you have a

33:40

big sack? That's not so much. Okay, cool

33:43

Thanks for asking you awesome. Do you look real

33:45

quick? Do you fill out your sack pretty well?

33:48

I fill out my sack. There's not a whole lot

33:50

of skin going on. It's filled out. Yeah. Yeah, like

33:52

when I do bat wings There's other bat wings that

33:54

are way more impressive Anyway,

33:58

okay. How's your say? Yeah We

34:01

don't want to say anymore. Um, you have a whole lot of skin

34:03

down there? No? Okay. No?

34:06

No? Well, it depends

34:08

on how warm it is. Yeah. Alright.

34:12

I'm a recovering junkie of seven plus years. My

34:14

DOCs were... My

34:16

drug of choice? Ah, drug of

34:18

choice were everything but I loved crack

34:21

opiates together. Sick combo! Yeah,

34:24

it is. Terrible idea.

34:26

Is that like a fireball? Cocaine

34:28

and heroin or something? Or

34:30

what are they? The vodka redbull? Up, down!

34:32

Up, down! How's your heart? How's your heart?

34:36

Isn't that why I held Chris Farley dead? Wasn't it like a fireball or some

34:38

ups and downs? Ups and downs? Ups and downs? I

34:40

think he did a fireball or that's what he... Like the

34:42

shot? No, it's

34:44

like a... I think it's like a coke and heroin

34:46

mixed or something. Oh, I'm so excited if you know

34:48

something about drugs that I don't right now. Yeah. That

34:51

could be. The only reason I would know is because I'm a

34:53

huge Chris Farley fan. One

34:55

night I was in a car for hours just volleyballing the pipe and

34:57

pills. God damn. There's

35:00

gonna be a lot of lingo that I'm not familiar with. No, you got it.

35:04

Having a grand time. Soon

35:06

I ran out of course and had to go to my dealer's house. So

35:08

I called him up and headed that way. Now

35:10

mind you, I was ZOOTED BEYOND!

35:12

ZOOTED! Is

35:15

this lingo? Is this drug lingo? Yeah, you got zooted. You're

35:18

his fucking dude. Throw the bag about

35:20

a little bit. And

35:22

had to pee, BUT the drugs took precedence.

35:25

I arrived at my dealer's house and walked inside, paid

35:27

for my stuff and stood there talking to him. Now

35:31

this dude was straight up OG Crip.

35:33

Ooh, okay. I can't tell you what

35:35

block areas it would dox me. Docks

35:38

me. Is that

35:40

like 86? Yep. Nevertheless,

35:44

he was friendly enough to carry a convo on

35:46

with a 16 year old junky ZOOTED out of

35:48

his mind. Now remember I had to pee, so

35:50

while standing there in a full blown conversation with

35:53

this man and a few of his homies in

35:55

the house, I pissed my pants. Full

35:58

blown and hour of holding a- Holding

36:00

it impede my pants. Oh my god

36:02

the room fell silent and I just

36:04

stared at him not upset embarrassed or

36:06

anything else Just zooted Finally

36:10

you said you gotta change the clothes Hey,

36:12

man, you gotta change your clothes homie. This

36:15

shit sucks my answer I

36:17

got all I need right here Well,

36:19

well, I felt the baggies up and

36:21

wiggle them around smiling get

36:23

everything I need right here. No, you need

36:25

new pants I left and spent

36:28

the rest of my night in a car behind

36:30

the movie theater getting more zooted until I passed

36:32

out and woke up in my pee pee pants

36:35

Not a huge dark story, but something I've never

36:37

told anyone that wasn't there. Yes. I

36:39

did buy from him again No, he didn't

36:41

bring it up. That's a good drug dealer

36:43

like not holding drudges or You

36:46

know just lots your money. It's like

36:48

customers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a businessman

36:50

right there business with this guy I'm

36:52

clean now as I said before and

36:54

very proud happy of that to

36:57

anyone else struggling You can do it Love both

36:59

my pavers and uncle zaki PS now I keep

37:01

a backpack with me at all times with a

37:03

complete change of clothes Well, you won't need that

37:05

if you're not doing it, right? You

37:08

still I mean I just put my pants Recently,

37:11

what a funny line. I'm picturing like

37:13

this same thing in a like a

37:15

police situation guys it interrogated He's

37:18

like sir Sir

37:20

you're being you're being arrested

37:24

for a double homicide Are

37:26

you sure you don't want your lawyer? He's like nope

37:29

got all I need right here Things

37:32

that picks up a little baggy and wiggles it

37:35

They just grab it. Yeah, I really think that

37:37

you need a lawyer. Nope got all I know

37:39

I need right here right here And

37:41

he says like like some fucking arcade

37:44

game on his phone Tetris

37:46

you know I got all I need right here Or

37:48

a candy crush is like this is all I need

37:50

is all I need is confiscate that phone Nope, then

37:52

I don't have all I need and I'm gonna need

37:54

a lawyer better get that lawyer I get that lawyer

37:56

if you're taking candy crush away. Oh man

38:00

selling drugs, pissing your pants, I'm just not giving

38:02

a fuck. I'm glad you got clean because

38:04

that's not normal behavior.

38:07

Right? No. All right, moving

38:09

on to our next confession. Says,

38:12

I'm one of the rare few who

38:14

actually enjoys a good enthusiastic hand job.

38:17

Wait, what? Who doesn't enjoy that? I

38:20

mean, some people, they're like, hey, can we just, listen,

38:22

I'm 45 years old. Can you

38:24

just put it in your mouth? Like,

38:26

some people are the biggest move on from hand drops. Well,

38:28

I'll say this. We,

38:31

well, I don't know if we should, no, maybe we

38:33

shouldn't. Just fucking say it! I

38:36

bought some, got some lube. That's

38:38

what I was gonna say earlier. Why didn't you say it earlier? I

38:40

did. I said, I've never

38:42

bought it standalone, whatever. No.

38:47

This is gonna be good, keep going. Well, no, it's, wife

38:49

and I, it's usually like

38:51

when you're on your period, it's like,

38:54

it's just that. But now, we got

38:56

like, we got some stuff that

38:59

we can do some hand stuff, and it makes

39:01

it more exciting. I'm so proud of you. You're

39:03

not just waiting around for, and

39:05

we've been, it's been much more, like when

39:07

you have little kids, it's like, let's knock

39:09

something out real quick. But now, it's like,

39:12

we're actually enjoying it a little bit more.

39:14

I'm so happy about that. You

39:16

gotta make time for the comm!

39:18

Yeah, and so, I opened

39:21

up a little bit about it, and we

39:23

talked about it, and now, it's probably better

39:25

than ever. Has doing this show helped you open up

39:27

about stuff? No,

39:29

I've always been open about stuff, hearing about

39:31

all the fans right in, and sharing their

39:34

stories. You're like, fuck, and who cares? Yeah,

39:36

well, yeah, it's definitely like, it's

39:38

something that you shouldn't be, you know, weird about, for

39:40

sure. No, absolutely not. So anyway,

39:42

he enjoys a good, enthusiastic hand job. You better

39:44

put your heart into it, though. Like some fucking,

39:46

I don't know, you can't

39:48

do this. Just like, this, oh,

39:51

and like. Give, like,

39:53

just a, you slap her hand? Yeah, you're

39:56

like, no, you're not doing it right. Just

39:58

stop. Though

40:00

he answers work that yeah yeah

40:02

a. Heads up my

40:04

wife was putting in work in the shower.

40:06

I was getting close and want to paint

40:08

her face so we sat down on the

40:11

back of the toasty so see sat down

40:13

on the back the top getting boned against

40:15

the wall. See when heavy on the

40:17

womb. And. Given it was in the

40:19

shower, a lot of it and up on the

40:21

ground. cut to the money shot I'm about to

40:23

launch. A

40:26

shot of their i flex My Legs

40:28

Hard which caused me to comically slip

40:30

like something out of Looney tune. Know

40:32

we wouldn't have moved. When

40:35

meal style in a millisecond, my

40:37

legs were above my head while

40:40

shooting ropes all over and the

40:42

rest of the bathroom mean this

40:44

guy. He. And he sees

40:47

be key cause he is what

40:49

I'm learning. year come flying with

40:51

authority. Com flying of every direction

40:53

is. I landed hard on the

40:55

side of the tub, directly on

40:57

my ribcage. broken ribs, And. With

41:00

a seamless so funny I could not

41:02

stop laughing and laid bare, splayed out

41:04

with half my body in the shower.

41:07

it's in half hour. Still shoot my

41:09

minute. Ah. Why? Is this a

41:11

confession? Because I realize how much I enjoy

41:13

pain? It was on one of the hardest

41:16

orgasms. I've. Ever had. I was

41:18

gonna comment about that like new. one

41:20

of the legs pain is it does

41:22

add to. An. Orgasm were and

41:25

like ease the pain. It's not like

41:27

a bad pain as I go. whoa

41:29

part of the experience. Pain? yes but

41:31

it's like fallen hard like that. that

41:33

be. Either July's

41:35

when he said his feet above his

41:37

head I visualized him falling backwards and

41:40

and like shooting themselves in the face

41:42

with just now got that? That's that's

41:44

what I was picturing That story reminds

41:47

me of I have an email that

41:49

I've that I've gotten were. Like.

41:52

Having sex. In it

41:54

was cowgirl style right him and when he was

41:56

in a com he pulled out. and

41:58

then he shot at all her back and onto

42:00

his own face. Dan,

42:04

that's like a pole vault. That belongs

42:06

to the Olympics. Yeah. I

42:09

mean you got some altitude to clean. Yeah. I

42:12

think it's going ugh ugh and just pfft pfft.

42:14

Just all right over his shoulders. You see it

42:16

in slow motion. It's like flying. What's that? Oh

42:18

no. What have I done? What

42:20

have I done? All right, so onto our

42:23

next impression. Funny, rough. Yeah, it's so good.

42:25

There's some stuff. There's some stuff. There's some

42:27

stuff. There's some stuff. There's some stuff. It's

42:29

so good. There's so many. Just keep the

42:31

embarrassing sex stuff coming. I love it because

42:33

I mean pun intended. Yep. But

42:36

all right. Hit it. I live

42:38

in the Midwest and I was invited to Florida for a few.

42:41

No, man. All right. So onto

42:43

our next impression. Funny, rough. Yeah, it's so good. There's

42:45

so many. Just keep the embarrassing sex stuff coming.

42:47

I love it because I mean pun intended. Yep.

42:50

But all right. Hit it. I live

42:53

in the Midwest and I was invited to Florida

42:55

for a few years and allowed for New Year's.

42:58

Sorry. And allowed a plus one. I

43:00

had recently began a brand new relationship with a nice lady

43:02

and decided to bring her along. What a

43:04

nice lady. Get in here. Nice lady.

43:07

She's a nice lady. Once

43:10

in Florida, we found out we were sharing a

43:12

story house. Story house with friends.

43:15

Friends of friends and some had some of them

43:17

had children. 18 people total and plenty of rooms.

43:19

A big house. My girlfriend

43:22

at the time and I got designated to stay

43:24

in the first floor next to the family. No

43:27

issues at this point. We got a room

43:29

with a large walk-in shower that we made

43:31

plans to defile later that night as you

43:33

do. Shower to shower story. Most

43:36

of us were in our mid 20s and decided to go

43:38

out the night before New Year's and

43:40

found a local karaoke bar as you do.

43:43

After many drinks, Nickelback and Blink 182

43:46

songs and screaming over the microphone

43:49

to the bartender for, YAGGER BOMBS

43:51

STAT! I was finally lured

43:53

out of the bar at closing time by the

43:55

promise of Taco Bell. It'll do it. Turns

43:58

out it passed out in the Uber so

44:00

no Taco Bell and I got sent home

44:02

alone while everyone bounced to the next bar

44:04

whoops Outpartied everybody

44:07

you're like this guy was singing deep cuts on the yeah,

44:10

we gotta we gotta get him home stuff

44:12

off like No,

44:15

even before that there is there was Nickelback

44:17

before that oh, yeah, okay I

44:19

remember their first Canadian release was I think 96 and then Do

44:24

you want me to get into it? No? Thanks

44:27

for thanks for getting this far into the

44:29

email while alone and profusely intoxicated I was

44:31

afraid I'd throw up on the Airbnb furniture

44:34

so out of habit I took myself to

44:36

the shower cranked the hot water and sat

44:38

down to feel I love it's like

44:40

this is just Instincts kicked in he's like

44:42

this and this is gonna be this is where everyone

44:45

already doesn't like me What I want to

44:47

do is go sit in the fucking hot water in the shower. Oh

44:50

Oh Sat down to feel better thinking I'd

44:52

get up once the water turned cold turns

44:54

out it was an instant water

44:57

Turns out it was an instant water heater and

45:00

never gets cold so I fell asleep I woke

45:03

up to the new girlfriend screaming for me

45:05

to wake up turns out I had sat

45:07

on the drain so half of the first

45:09

floor was oh my god Flooded

45:11

about two inches with water and

45:13

a sorted puke chunk my god My

45:17

girlfriend shocked herself Shocked

45:20

herself unplugging her phone that was

45:22

oh she shocked herself Yeah,

45:24

I'm plugging her phone that was charging on

45:26

the floor the family in the next room

45:28

over over for skip

45:32

like the family in the next room over For

45:35

scarring the young kids with dinosaur noises

45:37

for scaring. I'm guessing okay So the

45:39

kids were there and and I just went to sleep

45:41

while my girlfriend cleaned up. That's a good

45:43

guy right there You got it, right? You

45:47

got this I'll get the next one Best

45:50

things with one of your best qualities is you you're

45:52

good at cleaning the water. That's what I

45:55

Don't know something. I call my mom here today. She's like,

45:57

well, what do you like about it? I don't know she's

45:59

good Go clean a wire she cleans up my messes

46:01

real good you go water She's

46:05

good at water. It's good at water fucking

46:07

sitting sitting water clean abuse like I'm just

46:09

gonna mess it up anyway So you do

46:11

it who cares? I'm just yeah We ended

46:13

up leaving the rugs and fringes outside for

46:15

a day or two to dry And

46:18

we luckily did a good enough job of cleaning

46:20

we didn't get charged extra by the owner Oh,

46:22

they have no idea sorry for the lasting water

46:24

damage if the owner is listening If Oh

46:29

if share feel free to edit for Brian's reading

46:31

abilities you did a pretty good job I'm

46:33

like I feel like some kudos on I feel like

46:35

both of them that one was a little choppy But

46:38

the just a weird sentence in there.

46:40

Yeah, yeah, that was a weird sound wasn't my fault

46:43

I mean, can we just take a pause and talk

46:45

about Airbnb's fees for a second? Hey,

46:47

I never really stay in them. Oh man.

46:49

What a fucking nightmare. It's like hey get

46:52

this this in this huge house for only

46:55

190 bucks a night plus $700

46:57

for cleaning feet and $200

47:00

you're like fuck. All right. Well just say

47:02

what the ending prices well, what am I paying

47:04

for in there? I know that's not just Airbnb

47:07

everyone does but it's Airbnb is cranked up Yeah

47:09

cranked up and what the fuck I'm not sure

47:11

if this is just our area but what the

47:13

fuck's going on with like uber

47:15

eats and in fucking grub

47:17

hub in door dash these days is grub

47:20

up still around and Door dash like

47:22

what the like their fees just went crazy I

47:24

was trying to get a sandwich from Jersey Mike's

47:26

the other day and I was like, I'm not

47:29

that hungry I was gonna get it just a

47:31

mini a mini sandwich Tiny

47:34

no chips. No drink 40

47:36

bucks Just

47:39

go get it. I know but I was busy I was

47:41

editing and I guess like I'm hungry I want to keep

47:43

going keep doing I'm gonna get at least get a pop

47:45

and chips with it Knows

47:47

what it would have been if I did that well at

47:49

least would have been worth it Yeah, but half a sandwich

47:51

worth 55 bucks. Well, if you're just gonna

47:53

eat a half a sandwich and still be hungry But

47:56

I wasn't that hungry head and then oh, I Yeah

48:00

I'm sure he's made something. What can I- I ended up just

48:02

feeling like I'm not fucking doing this. I just went upstairs and

48:04

made a fucking sandwich. That's what I do every time. I'm like,

48:06

let's get Taco Bell and then we order it and it's like

48:08

$70. Yeah, you're like, what the

48:10

fuck? I'll just eat my shoe. And then people get

48:12

mad when you don't tip them for bringing yourself. Dude,

48:14

it would have been $100 for a number

48:17

three at Taco Bell. Yeah, I just feel like the

48:19

fee- the delivery fees and whatever their fees are on

48:21

there have gotten out of control. Um,

48:23

I've never gotten so drunk that I flooded

48:25

a bathtub. He's lucky he

48:28

didn't fucking die. Yeah. Like-

48:31

and then where was the preventative flood thing?

48:34

He's probably leaned up against it. What

48:36

shower are you in? The weirdest shower in the

48:38

world? He just found a little nook and got

48:40

in there. He started at the back. He's like,

48:42

this is perfect. He just went, what? And

48:45

did like a little slide down until his ass

48:47

was covering and his legs were straight up and his

48:49

ass was covering the drain. He looked like the dude

48:51

that was jerking off all over the bathroom. Yeah, well,

48:53

his wife was. Let's give him a little credit. Yeah,

48:56

he was- he didn't do that on his own. At

48:58

least he was getting- he was getting a hand job. Could you

49:01

imagine, like your- if you did that on your own, if you

49:03

were just masturbating in the shower and then fell

49:05

and broke a rib. I just think

49:07

you start- you're like start jizzing right and

49:09

then you fall and you're like, Ah, and

49:11

your dick's just- it's totally going like- I'm

49:14

just, I mean, little jealous of that guy throwing

49:17

the weight. Did

49:20

you just explain it to him? Yeah,

49:22

he got my- Come on, man. WWDOT

49:24

COMING ON! I'm gonna open my own

49:26

face! Here

49:29

it is. Haha!

49:31

Gotta hahaha! Okay, let's move on to

49:33

our next confession. Alright. Because

49:36

I live in New Zealand as a

49:38

pre- Be honest. New Zealand has a drinking culture

49:40

that starts from a young age, as our legal

49:42

drinking age is 18. We

49:44

usually start around 14 or 15. My

49:47

daughter's 13 and gets picturing her

49:49

dumb ass, hammered drunk. I

49:52

mean, I got drunk when I was that young. How

49:54

fucking stupid is that? You look at him, you're like, what

49:56

are you doing? I got

49:58

it all figured out! I'm gonna move on! It's something

50:00

that makes life harder. But no, you

50:02

have no idea what you're doing. I was

50:04

16 at the time at a party in the outskirts of

50:06

the city that I live in. We call

50:09

these country green areas the WAP-WAPs.

50:12

The party was on a vineyard, so

50:14

don't call it a WAP-WAP if you're ever in the States.

50:17

That would not be...don't use that term. Yeah, that's not

50:19

going to go well for you. The

50:21

party was on a vineyard, so imagine a country-style

50:23

house surrounded by rows and rows of vines alongside

50:26

an open road. Anyway! I

50:30

had been drinking a lot at

50:32

this party. Many different types of drinks. Gross

50:35

to imagine doing that now, to the point where I was barely

50:37

able to walk. Someone I had dated

50:39

was at this party, and we

50:41

were talking outside. He made me angry,

50:43

so I stormed off into the

50:45

vineyard where nobody else was. I

50:48

pretended to fall over, thinking he would see me and

50:50

come to me. Oh my God. The next thing I

50:52

know... She's like, whoa, looking over at me. Oh! Oh!

50:55

My ankle hurt! Oh

50:58

my gosh, I fell on some grapes! Hope

51:01

I don't get grieved! Anyway,

51:04

that was not a safe...is she whining? There

51:07

we go. Now we're freaking out. Oh yeah!

51:10

Make sure I'm carrying off and that one will not leave me there. So

51:13

anyway, the next thing I know I had passed out.

51:15

When I woke up, everyone was gone. The party was

51:17

over. But that isn't the worst

51:20

part. My underwear was filled! Absolutely

51:23

brimming! With

51:25

runny shit. I must

51:27

have drank so much, I shat myself...

51:29

skatcast.com. Shat myself when I passed out.

51:31

Still a bit drunk. I took off my underwear. Tried

51:33

to wipe off what I could. First

51:38

of all, brimming

51:40

panties isn't that much shit. Yeah.

51:44

Like, that's a fart gone wrong.

51:46

Yeah. Like, unless

51:48

you're wearing some... Boctors. Yeah,

51:51

or like, yeah, some whitey-tities. I'm not sure what's

51:53

going on over in New Zealand. But if they're

51:55

getting some, like, some panties... And

51:58

you shit those, and like, it was full. It's

52:00

like that doesn't mean much So

52:03

there maybe there's some more room to wipe

52:05

because I think of brimming with shit. You're

52:08

not using those to wipe Yeah,

52:10

yeah, anyway, so I'm gonna fling it

52:13

Get away and then I took out my underwear tried to wipe what

52:15

I could and walk to the

52:17

road to throw away my undies As

52:19

I throw them into a ditch. I helped No

52:22

one would ever find them because my name was

52:24

inside them It's a

52:26

very specific name, too Your

52:30

address is inside your underwear Returned

52:33

to 23rd East Elm Street

52:35

and put your phone number in there.

52:37

It's like a dog chain I went

52:39

to a boarding school where I had

52:41

to name we had to name our

52:43

clothing underwear included I thought oh my

52:45

god, there's a lot of cats. Oh

52:47

my god, please. No one find identify

52:49

these shitty undies. I Was

52:52

wearing a dress and yes some shit was still on me

52:55

and my clothes I didn't know what to

52:57

do. So I decided to start walking home home was

52:59

a good few hours walk from where I was But I

53:01

was young embarrassed and didn't know what to do As

53:04

I was walking down this quiet street.

53:06

My worst nightmare happens a cop starts

53:08

driving behind starts driving by I am

53:10

Mealy thought oh my god, please don't

53:12

stop. Please don't stop. Alas. They slow

53:14

down and stop next to me They

53:16

roll down the window and ask where

53:18

I'm going I told them I

53:20

was walking home But they insisted that they take

53:23

me to the party I was at and stay

53:25

there instead They ushered me to

53:27

get into the vehicle Reluctantly

53:29

I sat in the cop car windows

53:31

rolled up and I filled with

53:33

anxiety I firmly believe they could

53:36

smell the shit on me to this day. They

53:38

didn't say anything When

53:40

I was in the vehicle, I could only imagine

53:42

now once they dropped me off what conversation went

53:44

down about the state of me So you smelled

53:46

that right? Yeah That

53:48

girl's like shit, right? Wasn't just

53:50

me the back that girls like your undies

53:52

were brimming with shit. Yeah brimming. All right

53:54

anyway What are we? So

53:59

now I'm back at the party party house, everyone is asleep, my

54:01

next hurdle is to avoid being smelled again.

54:03

I knock on the door and ask that

54:05

I have a shower. A girl

54:07

sorted me with some towels and pajamas and

54:10

I jump straight in. I

54:12

love the use of the caps in here. I

54:15

mean, it feels like doing it on purpose. I

54:18

ran my dress under the shower water

54:20

and scrubbed the soap so vigorously then

54:22

hung it up to dry while I

54:24

slept. The next day my friends picked me up. I told

54:27

them what happened. It's a story I will

54:29

never ever forget and a story I tell friends after

54:31

having a few drinks and I shit my

54:33

pants. I added them. I do

54:35

not get that drunk these days. I

54:37

am somewhat responsible. 31 year old now.

54:39

Well, I do wonder if anyone ever

54:42

found my named underwear. I love how

54:44

she got a cow. Yeah,

54:47

just eating your clothes for free. Not

54:50

even for money. Yeah, I could get a million dollars.

54:52

Could be a million dollars just eating your shitty undies

54:54

for fucking freebies. Like no, I just don't

54:57

want to get slaughtered. That's all it would take for me. He's

54:59

like, I'm so sick of this. Hey, I'm just mixing it up.

55:02

I, I just think it's funny that you

55:05

it's like you're trying to escape somewhere and then you get

55:07

brought back to where you were. Right. Like,

55:09

fuck here. Get me out of here. Anywhere.

55:11

We're going back to the park. We're going

55:14

back. You're out of your fucking mind. I

55:16

walked all the way here. That's a good

55:18

shit story. Yeah, it is. I love a

55:20

good shit story. Man,

55:23

I, I accidentally shit my pants in Hawaii.

55:26

I've been told anybody. I totally forgot about it just

55:28

now. Yeah. I didn't forget about something.

55:30

I don't know. I don't even know when. That's

55:33

the part that's scary about getting older. Like I didn't

55:35

like, I didn't like force a fart. I

55:37

don't know what I was doing. I was just like hanging

55:39

out and sitting around

55:41

when golfing. Now, I

55:43

don't know, but maybe fucking one

55:45

tee box. I accidentally shit my

55:47

pants a little bit. That would suck

55:49

and then having to walk around in it. But I didn't know.

55:52

Like I had no, I had no idea. It wasn't like, it wasn't the

55:54

big one. I got back home and I was like, oh, I was getting

55:56

ready for bed and took my clothes off and I was like, what the

55:58

fuck? I was like, God damn it. There's just

56:00

a little bit of shit in my underwear. Like,

56:03

cool, can't wait to get older! This

56:05

is probably gonna work itself out! This

56:09

definitely won't happen when I'm 40! You're gonna be wearing

56:11

a diaper. Oh man. It

56:14

depends though. What's with buttholes? I get

56:16

it. Yeah. What's with buttholes? Just fucking...

56:19

Keep... Do your job. You have one job.

56:21

Well, a sphincter is what you... That's

56:23

what you need. That's what I mean. You need your

56:25

sphincter to stay strong. Yeah. So quit putting things in

56:27

it? Yeah. Alright, you ready to read the next confession?

56:30

Yeah. Okay, hit it. Alright, buckle up. Okay. It's

56:32

important to me that y'all know I have changed and

56:34

I'm no longer the person that did this. Oh, that's

56:36

a good sphincter. Yeah. I heard the

56:38

judgment in Brian's voice when he read my last

56:41

story. What?! What was the last story? Mm-hmm. I

56:44

have no idea. He said it anonymously.

56:46

I have no idea. Okay. And if this gets read

56:48

in the podcast, I'd like to remain anonymous to the

56:50

listeners. Okay. To

56:53

make a long story less long, I had

56:55

an affair with my ex-husband's twin brother 15

56:57

years ago. Twin

56:59

brother. Okay.

57:01

Here we go. My

57:04

ex-husband and I were having issues and I

57:06

started looking for attention elsewhere. I

57:09

was gonna fuck a guy that looks exactly like

57:11

him, but maybe a little nicer.

57:13

A little bit nicer. Do I don't resent him yet? Yeah,

57:15

I don't resent him yet, but I

57:17

still get that same attraction. Yeah, I don't spend the same amount

57:20

of time around him. Still has a nice dick.

57:22

He also got an overnight job which left

57:25

me home alone with his brother all night

57:27

after the kids went to sleep. At

57:29

first we just hung out like friends that obviously

57:32

didn't last long. We were two decent

57:34

looking 24 year olds and there was usually

57:36

alcohol involved, so we fucked. That's

57:39

what's funny is like you find that little guy

57:41

right here. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I gotta find it.

57:43

Here it is. Oh, fuck. Give me an oh

57:45

yeah, too. Oh, fuck. That's

57:49

two different versions of it. And we got the

57:51

yeah! Yeah, yeah. The

57:53

first night it happened, I felt terrible, but apparently

57:55

not terrible enough to stop. One

57:58

very drunken night, we fell asleep together. in

58:00

his room. Oh you mean in

58:02

your womb? Woom.

58:06

Woom. Yeah. You get it. Yeah. Like where

58:09

a baby grows. Yeah. And these twins they

58:11

are womb mates. I

58:18

woke up shortly before my ex-husband was due

58:20

home. That would be funny if if because

58:22

then you're like I was

58:24

sleepwalking and I thought it was you. Mm-hmm. Because

58:26

if it doesn't look like you that's not gonna

58:28

work. No. It's like I thought it was you

58:31

because this person looks exactly like you. What do

58:33

you want me to do? It's you.

58:35

It's basically you.

58:37

Basically you. It's a different name.

58:40

Yeah. Yeah. All right. I

58:42

ran downstairs and tried to sleep but couldn't so I

58:44

faked it. I think a lot of things

58:46

a lot of things back what I know. You

58:49

know. If she faked a lot of

58:51

things back then is that. My ex-husband's

58:53

husband came home horny for some reason

58:55

for the first time in a while

58:57

turning him down would look suspicious. So

59:00

we fail. Hold on. Hold on. We're

59:02

having fun now. Here we

59:05

go. Oh fuck. You should

59:07

put that on the front page. I really

59:09

should move over here. That's right. I

59:12

let my his butt and my

59:16

ex-husband do me hours after letting

59:18

his brother do me. Oh man.

59:21

Last week we learned that they

59:23

would be called Eskimo Brothers. Yep.

59:26

That's an ask. So I guess

59:28

they're Eskimo twins. Although I'm sure

59:30

that's no longer politically

59:33

correct. I still feel gross about it.

59:35

Okay. Yeah they should be called electric

59:38

brothers now. For the people

59:41

that like electric. Yeah. The

59:43

affair lasted for years and

59:46

it got really messy. Everything was

59:48

out in the open except this one

59:50

thing until now. I'm gifting

59:52

it to my daddy. Thank you. The

59:55

Eskimo twins don't know about this unless they

59:57

listen to the podcast. What

59:59

is gonna happen? What a gamble excited.

1:00:01

I mean how many twins of me?

1:00:05

That's a wild world. Yeah, you

1:00:07

look the same probably got a lot of

1:00:09

the same taste Yeah, you're probably fucking

1:00:11

the same thing sometimes. Yeah, it could be

1:00:14

Sorry for the long email. I trimmed it as best I

1:00:16

could then added Then

1:00:19

added two sentences which made it longer love the

1:00:21

show three to five stars wouldn't change a thing

1:00:24

Love your bipolar mess of a daughter

1:00:26

hmm Sorry if

1:00:28

you felt I was judging you before Whatever

1:00:30

it was yeah, yeah, I don't judge people. I'm

1:00:33

the tone I read it in may have been

1:00:35

like for flair and you have

1:00:37

to have an opinion. Yeah, which I mean

1:00:39

this is we I don't rarely we rarely

1:00:42

Address comments, but it seems like a good time to

1:00:44

bring one up. I saw one on our YouTube channel

1:00:47

that was talking about I mean

1:00:49

Zach we know Zach smart But Zach

1:00:52

was like the comment was like I think

1:00:54

Zach's the only one that the blob like

1:00:56

fully understands fallacies Since

1:00:58

Joe Frank it worked up over tiny

1:01:00

shit, and I was a large job Spotted

1:01:03

back. I was like oh, dude. I

1:01:05

was like we just all agreed on everything all

1:01:08

the time. Yeah, it's boring show ever Like

1:01:11

no questions asked yeah, you just read

1:01:13

the email and you go cool. Anyway

1:01:15

next Like

1:01:19

nothing to like care about yeah, we're

1:01:21

gonna get worked up about yeah, like what

1:01:23

the fuck am I like? Just go hang

1:01:26

out your grandma's house That

1:01:28

would be funny. We just everything. What are you

1:01:30

thinking about? Not much really.

1:01:32

I'm thinking about what all right next segment It's

1:01:34

like I don't know man. I got some bills

1:01:36

to pay and that's fucking God. That's stressful. Yeah

1:01:38

me too all right So let's move off to

1:01:40

the next Let's do

1:01:42

an episode some of that one day where we just don't

1:01:45

care about it. Don't care just for that one guy Yeah,

1:01:47

I did my I was like dude. You don't want that

1:01:49

show no one wants that no one wants

1:01:51

that show There's a show on TLC code everybody

1:01:53

agrees. Yeah Everyone being like

1:01:55

yeah, no I got Political

1:02:00

question how do you feel about that like I don't

1:02:02

really have an opinion either way. Yeah, I don't either

1:02:05

the crowd's like commercial

1:02:10

We're back with more brain busters right All

1:02:14

right, pretty much everything I say Hey,

1:02:17

it comes from nowhere. It's just it's just it's

1:02:19

fun bark I mean, I have a pain in

1:02:21

my brain is weird and I think about shit

1:02:24

in a weird way Yeah, but I'm never never

1:02:27

judging anybody. I mean look at

1:02:29

Brian. He's buying Lou for hand jobs Now which I feel

1:02:31

like is a huge win. Yeah. Yeah, I don't use it

1:02:33

myself for like jerking off But yeah, did

1:02:35

you ever get in a self lube hand job phase?

1:02:38

Then realize just don't do that. So the messy

1:02:41

self like you used lube to jerk. Oh, yeah,

1:02:43

I tried it Yeah, I don't like it. Isn't

1:02:45

that weird? I like to just Rob bareback Turn

1:02:49

it up So

1:02:53

now it sounds even worse a

1:02:55

microphone Think was

1:02:57

possible sounded so

1:02:59

bad before How

1:03:01

I make this song sound worse. Thanks to

1:03:04

everybody for sending in the confessions. Please keep

1:03:06

them coming We love doing them. Yep, and

1:03:08

that email is hey guys at can you

1:03:10

don't podcast? Dot-com

1:03:12

I have some good news. Do you? So

1:03:20

you're telling me there's a chance Hooray,

1:03:23

we aren't doomed. Yeah And

1:03:25

this one falls into something that one of

1:03:28

my ex-bosses used to always say that has

1:03:30

always stuck with me shout out

1:03:32

to Gary Allen GGA

1:03:34

the grand pooh box at

1:03:36

rock 94 and a half in

1:03:39

beautiful Spokane downtown play

1:03:41

over here Spokane's

1:03:45

Can you give can you give me one of those

1:03:47

yeah, which one I'm pulling over all

1:03:49

the hot bag brand new banger

1:03:54

That one Go,

1:04:00

go, go, go, go, go. Your

1:04:04

jamming with the hottest is Tache.

1:04:07

Tache. Ready? Go,

1:04:10

Tache. Go, Tache. Here.

1:04:13

Here. Go, Tache. Go,

1:04:17

Tache. Here. Go,

1:04:21

Tache. Go, Tache.

1:04:24

Here. Go. America.

1:04:31

God, you wouldn't know. Don't believe it.

1:04:34

So, going back before I got into a fucking... I

1:04:36

got into a trance there for a second. G.A.

1:04:39

used to always say, I'm hot. Been working your...

1:04:41

What? I'm hot. You

1:04:43

eat your hat? Yeah. He used to

1:04:45

always say the vocal minority. That's

1:04:47

what he used to say, especially when you were...

1:04:49

Like, you're doing your show, you're

1:04:52

doing your thing, and then you have, like,

1:04:54

the emails and you have the text line,

1:04:56

and somebody writes in, and they're like, dude,

1:04:58

this fucking sucks. Nobody who

1:05:00

likes it is gonna be like... Like

1:05:02

the chances of somebody being like, this is fucking

1:05:04

awesome, opposed to the people speaking out, being like,

1:05:06

this fucking sucks. So,

1:05:08

you get caught in this weird echo chamber, we're

1:05:10

like, oh my God, nobody likes it. It's like,

1:05:13

no, if they like it, they're

1:05:15

way less apt to reach out and tell you they

1:05:17

like it. If they hate it,

1:05:19

it fires off a different emotion. You're like, I gotta

1:05:21

fucking tell somebody. So, I used to always

1:05:23

call it the vocal minority. And this reminds

1:05:25

me just like of data, is

1:05:27

you always think, because you watch the news,

1:05:30

that things are the worst that they've ever been,

1:05:32

right? But as we're about

1:05:34

to see, violent crime is definitely way

1:05:36

the fuck down in the United States.

1:05:39

In 2020, the United States experienced one of

1:05:41

the most dangerous years in decades. Which year?

1:05:44

The number of murders across the country surged by nearly 30% between

1:05:47

2019 and 2020. Is

1:05:50

that... Or are they calling COVID murders? Yeah,

1:05:52

that'd be... It's just wrapping that

1:05:54

stat in. Six billion people

1:05:56

died and all had masks

1:05:59

on. The overall violent

1:06:01

crime rate, which includes murder, assault, robbery,

1:06:03

and rape, inched up around

1:06:05

5% in that same period. But in

1:06:07

2023, crime in America looked very different.

1:06:10

At some point in 2022, at the end

1:06:13

of 2022 and through 2023, there was just

1:06:15

a tipping point where violence started to fall,

1:06:17

and it just continued to fall, said Jeff

1:06:19

Asher, a crime analyst and co-founder of A.H.

1:06:21

and Datalytics. In

1:06:24

cities big and small, from both coasts,

1:06:26

violence has dropped. The national picture

1:06:28

shows that murder is falling. We have data from over

1:06:31

200 cities showing a 12.2% decline in 2023 relative to

1:06:33

2022, Asher said, citing his own analysis of public data.

1:06:41

He found instances of rape, robbery, and aggravated assault

1:06:43

were all down, too. Yet when

1:06:45

you ask people about crime in the country, the

1:06:47

percentage is that it's getting a lot worse. A

1:06:50

Gallup poll released back in November found 77% of

1:06:53

Americans believe there was more crime in the country

1:06:55

than the year before, and

1:06:58

63% felt there was either a very

1:07:00

or extremely serious crime problem, the

1:07:02

highest in polls history, going back to the 2000s. Oh

1:07:06

shit, my thing's flickering? Just started, yeah. Yeah, damn

1:07:08

it, I already kicked it. Sorry for

1:07:10

the, sorry for the kicker. Your mom's a flicker.

1:07:12

What? But

1:07:15

this just goes to show you, the

1:07:17

more you watch shit, and the more

1:07:19

you just get infiltrated with this, this

1:07:22

nonsense, especially if

1:07:24

you're partisan, and you just buy it, and you're

1:07:26

just like, this is the fucking worst. It's

1:07:29

just look at the data. And

1:07:32

I've had this conversation amongst friends, too,

1:07:34

talking about other topics, where I'm

1:07:36

like, yeah, that's crazy. That's a cool opinion. Your

1:07:40

opinion is really cool. But what

1:07:42

do the stats say? Are

1:07:45

they saying the same thing? Because if they're

1:07:47

not, then you're, fuck your feelings. Fuck

1:07:49

them. Because you're okay to have

1:07:51

an opinion, but if that's not what's actually happening,

1:07:53

then maybe loosen your fucking opinion a bit. Like,

1:07:55

listen, I guess I don't like it, and that's

1:07:58

fine, but it has to stop right there. But

1:08:00

their opinion is based on the fact on

1:08:02

emotion what it's based on the facts They're

1:08:04

receiving from their echo chamber though right their

1:08:07

algorithm. Yeah, they're like no It's fucking terrible

1:08:09

and this is happening and it's taking over

1:08:11

this and it's affecting our kids and blah

1:08:14

blah blah I'm like, okay. Got it. Show

1:08:16

me show me the data where

1:08:18

what you're saying is what's happening Because

1:08:20

what you're saying sounds pretty fucking ridiculous

1:08:23

and they're like, well, I Have

1:08:26

a friend who it's like case a one This

1:08:29

podcast they'll tell you all about it. They're

1:08:31

like, well, I have a friend who knows

1:08:33

this other person I'm like, that's a loose

1:08:35

one person. Okay, keep going like you have

1:08:37

like when does it become a fucking pandemic

1:08:39

or a problem? We're not an outlier. We're

1:08:42

gonna base your entire personality over

1:08:44

a fucking outlier statistic Just

1:08:46

don't do it people Don't

1:08:48

do it. Mm-hmm. Don't fly left. Don't fly right

1:08:50

figure out what the fuck is going on Mm-hmm

1:08:52

cuz the data will tell you what's happening and

1:08:54

that's why I wanted to bring this article in

1:08:57

There's a good book from Stephen Pinker called I

1:08:59

can't read the better teacher of angels The

1:09:01

better angels of our nature the decline of

1:09:03

violence in America Mm-hmm the world and it

1:09:05

outlines just how good we have it in

1:09:07

the 20th century 21st century Right

1:09:10

first century 20th century not so much. You just keep

1:09:12

going up. I'm like century's

1:09:14

great entry 21st century

1:09:17

22nd century 23rd 24 I

1:09:19

think blades runners awesome because all the other 27th century. I

1:09:23

Yeah, but I mean this is

1:09:25

in Zach's wheelhouse the data

1:09:27

stuff man Just shut

1:09:29

the fuck up It

1:09:31

just it's okay to have an opinion. It's okay

1:09:34

to not like something that it's not

1:09:36

the point But you have to understand that's the end of it.

1:09:38

I I just don't like it. Okay, then

1:09:42

Fuck yeah, dude. Mm-hmm. That's it. That's about as

1:09:44

much way that you fuck your feelings You

1:09:46

have to ask compared to what? You

1:09:48

just like I don't know how it was bad.

1:09:50

I don't like to be around it But that's

1:09:52

great But if you start preaching this and share

1:09:54

this information like it is this

1:09:56

huge issue Then you're

1:09:59

doing your You're a problem. And

1:10:01

now you're part of a problem that is just making

1:10:04

everything worse by being

1:10:06

entrenched on data about your feelings. Like

1:10:09

feelings, they're not necessarily real. They don't.

1:10:11

It's a reaction. And that is valid.

1:10:13

You can have a reaction. You can

1:10:16

have feelings, but you cannot

1:10:18

expect other people to give a fuck about

1:10:20

your feelings. Fuck

1:10:22

your feelings. Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:24

And that goes, I mean, it goes both ways.

1:10:26

I know that's used farther by what the right

1:10:28

side than the left about fuck your feelings. But

1:10:31

that's why you don't associate with either side. And

1:10:33

then you're in the middle and you just use data and

1:10:35

you fucking move on. Like, is this a problem? Let's look

1:10:37

it up and figure out

1:10:39

if it's an actual problem. Oh shit, it is. What

1:10:41

can I do about it? And you either

1:10:44

decide to do something or don't. And if you don't, then

1:10:46

shut the fuck up. Care if you think is what is

1:10:48

true. Yeah, true. Anyway,

1:10:50

that was fun. Thanks for letting me yell about stuff.

1:10:53

And you said everything. All

1:10:55

I would say. Well, this next thing is

1:10:58

a little happier. And by a little, I mean a

1:11:00

ton. You ready? All right. The

1:11:04

internet is pretty wild. Depending

1:11:06

on your browsing habits, you can either

1:11:08

experience something super cool or go

1:11:11

to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check

1:11:13

it out. Together as a couple. Hey. Look

1:11:16

what I found. Yeah, that's awesome. Is my computer screen

1:11:18

still flickering? No. Sick. That

1:11:21

noise that you made, Brian, freaked me out. I was like, did I push that? I

1:11:23

don't know what button that is. You're like, oh my God. I better

1:11:25

at it. What I lean on. This was

1:11:27

set there by our son Austin and it has to do with our love

1:11:29

for Mega Death. Yeah.

1:11:31

Oh, Mega Death again. And this

1:11:33

is a mashup of Jackson 5 and Mega Death. It's

1:11:36

called Mega Jackson. Oh, I'm excited. And it's a

1:11:38

mashup of Jackson 5 and Mega Death. And

1:11:41

it's a mashup of Jackson 5

1:11:43

and Mega Death. And

1:11:46

it's a mashup of Jackson 5 and Mega

1:11:48

Death. Oh,

1:11:50

I'm excited. And it's Sweating Robins. Sweating

1:11:53

Robins. Enjoy. You can really

1:11:55

hear his vocal performance in this message.

1:12:00

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:07

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:13

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:18

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:23

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:29

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:34

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:41

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:47

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:12:55

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:13:00

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:13:05

I'm sorry. Oh,

1:13:11

my. Oh,

1:13:16

my. Fingers

1:13:21

call your back. Oh,

1:13:26

my. Oh,

1:13:31

my. Oh,

1:13:36

my. Oh,

1:13:43

my. Oh,

1:13:49

my. Oh,

1:13:55

my. Anyway,

1:14:00

there you go. That's pretty good. Pretty

1:14:02

good. Little mess up there often. Really?

1:14:06

Wow! It's a

1:14:09

wow inside my head! Now

1:14:11

I'm gonna sing like this

1:14:13

into a microphone! And

1:14:16

there's no one that can stop

1:14:18

me and sell millions of records!

1:14:20

I sell millions of records and

1:14:22

I hate Metallica! I'll

1:14:24

show them how to rip songs off! And

1:14:28

I'll tell the media about how they're not

1:14:31

very good! Pick that?

1:14:33

I think they made up though. Just

1:14:36

to sell more records and stuff!

1:14:39

You gotta think about it though. If he used

1:14:41

to stay in Metallica, he'd just be the guitar

1:14:44

player, right? Yeah. Like he'd just be the lead

1:14:46

guitar player. He was destined for something better! Yeah,

1:14:48

and then he gets to go off and now

1:14:50

he gets to be a

1:14:53

band. He's not a guy in a band. He is

1:14:55

the band. And I know there's a lot of people

1:14:57

every time I rip on Megadeth. Like, dude, I fucking

1:14:59

love them. That's fine. Love them. But

1:15:01

you know that you're hurting my

1:15:04

feelings every time you

1:15:06

say you like them! I'd

1:15:10

like seven to the record. What are the numbers show you?

1:15:14

What are the numbers show you? Fuck your feelings, yo. What are

1:15:16

the numbers show you? There you go. Yeah, but I'm done at

1:15:18

my feelings. I don't say that they're bad people. I

1:15:21

can say it's not for me. It's just

1:15:23

not a band I like to listen to!

1:15:28

Very much! That

1:15:30

might be your best impression ever. That's the only

1:15:33

impression I have. But put

1:15:35

all your eggs in that basket. Keep

1:15:37

going? Do every interview? Like I'm

1:15:41

on Sweating Bullets. Hey!

1:15:44

Hello me! What?

1:15:47

Can you imagine being a Hollywood reporter? Hello,

1:15:50

Brad Pitt! It's me again! It's me

1:15:52

again! I have a couple questions for

1:15:55

you! I heard you were fucking some

1:15:57

other chicks! Is

1:15:59

it true? You tell me!

1:16:02

I can use flying bullets! Banana! Banana!

1:16:06

How many KIDS do you have, Mr. Brad? Banana!

1:16:10

Oh! Can

1:16:12

you believe I've got 7 million

1:16:15

records? Okay, anyway,

1:16:17

let's move off to the heroes of the kids. My

1:16:20

boy shirts. Alright. ZAC! LILUDA!

1:16:26

Alright, let's hear what you guys think. Really?

1:16:28

You want to change to me? Wow, that's

1:16:30

cool. That laugh and

1:16:32

that intro every time from What's

1:16:35

His Face? From the Goonies? Uh huh. What

1:16:38

was his name? Chunk! He

1:16:40

named the other guy Chunk. It's... God

1:16:44

damn it, what's his name? Slop!

1:16:46

Slop! Zach was

1:16:48

waiting patiently. He's like, come on guys, get it. I

1:16:50

don't want to have to say it. Yeah. Our

1:16:54

one and only email for this week is coming in from our son Harley. Alright?

1:16:58

I was going to make a motorcycle joke, but I'm not... You got

1:17:01

nothing still, dude. Hey, Daddies! HCJ,

1:17:04

Horse Cock Joe, Buying, and Warm

1:17:06

Lapped Uncle Zach. Nice little rhyme there.

1:17:08

I like it. I like

1:17:10

the segment on bathroom attendance. I've

1:17:13

encountered these guys more often in strip clubs

1:17:15

than any... What? Than any

1:17:17

fancy restaurant... I think that's a good

1:17:19

spot. How

1:17:22

many fucking boners you gotta... Hi,

1:17:24

can I dust your boner off for you? It's

1:17:26

funny to see the grungy ass ones. 20 bucks

1:17:28

for a boner dusting? Who?

1:17:32

Actually you're having a good night. He's got a

1:17:34

little towel. He's got one of those...

1:17:36

what were they called? The Tiny Vacuum? DustBuster.

1:17:42

DustBuster? 20

1:17:44

bucks? Let's fucking dust that boner off for you. Whoooo!

1:17:51

I work for tips. I work for tips. Yeah,

1:17:56

someone dusting your dick off and saying, I only work for tips. He's

1:17:59

like, no, I get it. Yeah, I get it. I get

1:18:01

it. You're dusting my tip. Good fun.

1:18:03

Here's five bucks. Okay It's

1:18:07

funny to see the grungy ass ones versus

1:18:09

the best ones worse was a dude He

1:18:11

didn't speak English or have much respect for

1:18:13

personal space Not that those

1:18:15

are neutral aces Had a

1:18:17

couple of old janky bottles of cologne

1:18:20

and basic-ass dial soap with those stiff

1:18:22

brown paper towels Not

1:18:24

to mention the bathroom being all dingy and run

1:18:26

down like bro. Why are you here? No shit?

1:18:30

funny question Maybe

1:18:33

even work there. Just using all dough. Yeah, just

1:18:35

using all the wrong stuff. Mm-hmm Like hey, why

1:18:37

do you dry your hands? He pulls up a

1:18:39

cinder block? You're like dude, dude. I Know

1:18:43

I know that you're just trying to make it

1:18:45

work, but I'm not drying my hands on your cinder block Only

1:18:49

a really bad idea Yeah,

1:18:51

hand you cologne for like breast shit.

1:18:54

No cologne. It's just a Febreze. Yeah

1:18:57

Dude, what are you doing here? He's gonna get

1:19:00

once over It

1:19:02

worked for tips only Sure,

1:19:05

like sir. What are you doing here? Alright,

1:19:08

the best one would pump the

1:19:10

fancy foaming soap for you. Hold

1:19:12

out a soft white cushy towel

1:19:15

Everything except hold your dick. That would have been cool.

1:19:17

Yeah He had a

1:19:20

counter full of luxury colognes gum

1:19:22

mouthwash eyedrops loose cigarettes and all

1:19:24

kinds of other shit Well

1:19:26

lit pure white bathroom there that

1:19:29

one had a shoe shining booth by the door to

1:19:32

Your shoe shines or someone's taking a shit.

1:19:34

God dude as I'm riding this

1:19:37

fucking ugly ass cyber truck Just pulled up. No,

1:19:39

I also wanted to mention some

1:19:41

of my favorite places in Austin hideout pub

1:19:43

for burgers Tommy want wingy. Oh nice Tommy

1:19:45

want we need for chicken wings and drought

1:19:47

house for pub for brewery and beers. Love

1:19:50

you guys. Love the show sexy Was

1:19:56

I gonna say about the oh did I

1:19:58

tell you about Mexico that? restaurant

1:20:00

went to the about the The

1:20:02

bathroom being so nice. No, there

1:20:04

was a restroom restaurant. We ate at

1:20:08

Where it's a restroom and a restaurant Restroom,

1:20:11

yes Restored so

1:20:13

we went in this place It was it was

1:20:15

so fucking cool like the the restaurant was cool

1:20:18

and then went into the bathroom I walked in

1:20:20

and I was like, oh my fucking god, really

1:20:22

actually took a video I'll show you like makes

1:20:24

you feel weird to pee you're like my brooding

1:20:26

Well, no, I said there's a guy that's peeing

1:20:29

in there and walked up was like dude. This

1:20:31

is fucking nice I was like sweet dick.

1:20:33

Yeah, dude, you're in here too, huh?

1:20:35

I Could spend yeah,

1:20:37

he's so I was like this place is

1:20:39

bathrooms fucking nice. He's like, yeah I was

1:20:41

like, it's nicer than a lot of restaurants.

1:20:43

I've Been into I was like, I

1:20:45

think I might just take my food in here and he kind of gave

1:20:47

me a little And

1:20:50

then he went over to wash hands

1:20:52

and leave. Mmm, but I honestly felt

1:20:54

like that was like, holy shit This

1:20:56

bathroom is nicer than most of the

1:20:59

restaurants in Spokane. Yeah, like it was

1:21:01

it smelled great. Oh, yeah Oh,

1:21:04

I'll have to show you but everything was

1:21:06

just everything was pristine. It was like fuck

1:21:09

make you feel like a king It did.

1:21:11

Yeah, and it didn't have stalls. It had

1:21:13

rooms. No, you know the door you open There's

1:21:15

a fuck your own your

1:21:18

own private room for pooping. Love

1:21:20

that. I love those are great

1:21:24

Um, yeah, that's good I

1:21:26

should ready to wrap things up with the

1:21:28

car facts the car facts from the bath

1:21:30

showing the bathroom effect Yeah, believe it

1:21:32

when I see it, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm Last

1:21:35

episode 89 the show keeps going if you

1:21:37

support us on patreon and if you're thinking

1:21:39

about doing it Please do head over there.

1:21:41

You get exclusive merch. There's three different tiers

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1:22:00

us wherever you listen to podcasts. It does help us

1:22:02

out a ton. Pretty sure to check out

1:22:05

call me uncle zax podcast

1:22:07

stuff You're

1:22:09

never it's never going away You

1:22:12

just okay, that's not helping you

1:22:16

Scatcast calm the scatcast universe is absolutely

1:22:18

amazing. How many shows you doing weekly

1:22:20

right now? We have seven seven back

1:22:22

to seven. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah, you

1:22:24

dialed it back for a little bit

1:22:27

Here you go. He's doing that. I'm like, okay. We

1:22:29

shoot a video and he's doing seven I've

1:22:32

got a couple got another couple hosts to so oh

1:22:34

that helps that helps Yeah, so head over to start

1:22:36

in a friggin Empire in my work

1:22:38

baby scat Empire scat cast on fire

1:22:40

That is scat with the case cat

1:22:42

fire scat world And

1:22:45

then they can the babysitters that help moderate the

1:22:47

candy don't playground Facebook page where there's like I

1:22:50

don't know 25,000 people to go check that out.

1:22:52

All right I got a little a fact for you that

1:22:55

I totally I had to look it up Okay,

1:22:57

I didn't believe it and it's fucking real. Okay.

1:22:59

All right Good

1:23:03

god wrap it up already Did

1:23:06

you know? There

1:23:08

are only two escalators in the entire

1:23:10

state of Wyoming Two

1:23:14

escalators, yeah, are they in the same place two sets

1:23:16

so got an up and a down Okay, and

1:23:18

then another spot you got an up and a down There's

1:23:21

only for a horse two in the entire state.

1:23:23

Can you can you guess what? Building

1:23:26

there in horse a capital building

1:23:28

capital. That's a good guess Would

1:23:31

you say a horse building? I don't know I'm

1:23:34

not going to the second floor to fucking ride a horse

1:23:36

It's illegal in some states to have horses on the second

1:23:38

level of a building I don't know why it feels like

1:23:40

I feel like Wyoming would be one of those two on

1:23:42

right No, no,

1:23:45

my first guess was mall. Yeah,

1:23:47

the answer is no No, no

1:23:49

mall is two stories in Wyoming McDonald's.

1:23:51

That's a good guess. It's probably as

1:23:54

Escalier all the way up to the top of Devil's Tower.

1:23:57

Mmm, that'd be cool. I've been there. It's not that

1:24:00

didn't ride the escalator? No. It wasn't either. They're in

1:24:02

banks. Two fucking escalators? There's

1:24:12

fucking 50 within half a mile. Well, let's

1:24:14

be real though. There's not, I don't, the

1:24:16

population of Wyoming's not that. But even in

1:24:18

a, I mean, even in a city, Idaho

1:24:20

has half of a

1:24:23

close to the same population. Well, what's the

1:24:25

population of Wyoming? Because Idaho's a million. Huh?

1:24:27

It's only a few hundred thousand. Yeah. Cause

1:24:29

there's not really any big, uh,

1:24:32

urban, we got, we got Casper

1:24:34

and Cheyenne. Oh, so it is 578,000. So 579,000. If you round

1:24:41

up that is a population of Wyoming.

1:24:43

They should have more escalators. Idaho

1:24:46

has a million. Well, Spokane surrounding areas

1:24:48

is like 500,000. Yeah. If you spoke

1:24:51

in Metro, if you, if you bend over to Coeur d'Alene,

1:24:53

I mean, it gets close to a mill. Coeur d'Alene

1:24:55

has like 40,000. They have probably

1:24:57

have a thousand escalators. Yeah, right. Exactly. See,

1:24:59

you're getting it. The entire state, only

1:25:01

two, I guess that was, that was full. How does

1:25:03

a horse ride an escalator? That's

1:25:05

the whole thing, right? My fucking, a horse collator.

1:25:07

You think they have horse collators? That'd

1:25:10

be cool. That'd be, that's a new business.

1:25:12

They probably said nay to that though. Yeah.

1:25:14

I get it. Alright, let's

1:25:16

move on to the bonus shit. If you subscribe

1:25:18

on Patreon, we'll see you guys next week. I'm turning

1:25:21

my hat backwards. It's like a switch. I still know you're wearing it. You're

1:25:23

gonna have to eat it. Alright.