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That's byte.com. Start your confidence

1:09

journey today with Bite. Brian

1:28

Albrandt, Joe

1:30

Paisley, I

1:34

would like to start episode 97 with an apology. Uh-oh.

1:42

What did you do? It's

1:44

not for you. Calm down. I

1:47

will never apologize for that night. I'm still waiting

1:49

for it. I will never. You

1:52

liked it and you know it. I know so.

1:55

Remember a handful of episodes back when

1:58

I was really... going after people that

2:00

were excited about the McDonald's bagel

2:03

breakfast sandwich coming back? I do remember

2:05

that. Finally? Yeah. Oh it's finally back

2:07

baby. Finally back. There's

2:09

some people like, no it's good man, I'm pumped. Like

2:11

there's a lot of emails to be even like, have

2:14

you fucking even had it? Do you even know what

2:16

it's about? Is it still back or is it gone

2:18

again? Beats me. I

2:20

don't know. I've been following the

2:22

McDonald's bagel breakfast sandwich that closely. Okay. I

2:24

heard a commercial for it on the radio

2:26

yesterday. So let's be back. Okay. Still there.

2:29

It's still back. Still stuck.

2:32

Going out of business sale forever.

2:34

No, my apology

2:37

for that stemmed from an

2:40

experience I had just a couple days ago

2:42

now where Safeway,

2:44

if you listen in a part of the world, we're

2:47

part of the country, you don't have a Safeway. It's

2:49

like your typical

2:51

chain grocery store. How

2:53

far does that go? Is that Kroger somewhere else?

2:55

Safeway, we have that up here. It's a thing

2:57

that it's not all the way

3:00

across. So every little section of the

3:02

United States anyway has like different pockets

3:04

of these chain grocery stores and ours

3:06

up here in the Northwest is Safeway.

3:09

It's so safe there. It is really

3:11

the Safeway to go. Yeah. And they

3:14

used to, well I thought they stopped making

3:16

it and I got really sad but they

3:18

have like a Thai chicken peanut wrap. In

3:21

the deli or something? Yeah, just it's ready for you.

3:23

When you walk in, it's next to the Caesar chicken

3:26

and the Caesar salad chicken. It's like

3:28

your typical grocery. And the nix-nix-nix sushi

3:30

and all that. Oh, it's kitty corner.

3:32

Okay, yeah. Not right next to it.

3:34

No way. That's where they put the

3:36

turkey pot pie. You know that. You know that. And

3:39

one day, they fucking vanished.

3:42

And I was like, wait, maybe they're just out. But

3:46

in my experience, they were always there. Because

3:48

it's kind of not everybody's jam, but

3:51

it's fucking my jam. Yeah. God

3:53

damn right. Just good and it's

3:55

healthy. It's good. It's healthy enough.

3:58

And it's a quick little snack to grab. And

4:00

they're delicious, but I showed up one

4:02

day and they were just gone and I was like almost

4:04

he's missed it I guess so good. They did I should

4:06

have got here early as he got cleaned out I got

4:08

it for the day. I didn't know I'd wake up at

4:11

8 a.m. For a Thai chicken peanut. It's how good the

4:13

wrap And

4:15

then I went back a couple days later and they were gone

4:18

And then I noticed that like where their little

4:20

thing was like that just got replaced. There wasn't

4:22

even there anymore Oh, I was like, did I

4:24

not buy enough? Did

4:26

I not I went out of business because I

4:28

wasn't eating him enough and

4:31

then I just got really sad and it

4:33

was probably like a month month and a

4:35

half at this thing I'd walk by and

4:37

just Kind of go on pay

4:39

my respects to it. And I was like, those

4:41

are the day what used to be those were

4:43

the days and then finally Couple

4:46

days ago walked in there and guess what's back,

4:48

baby. Oh That's fucking rap.

4:50

Did you get one and I grabbed it and

4:52

I had this feeling I was like Like

4:55

I was just so excited and then I immediately Texted

4:58

you and I was like I gotta apologize for

5:00

going on that bagel sandwich so hard now

5:02

I get it. It is finally back And

5:06

I've had probably four or five is it still back every

5:08

day. I mean I had one today. So you tell me

5:11

Stocking up. Yeah, that's the whole thing right? Like you feel

5:14

like you want to get ten of them Just

5:17

because yeah, so yeah, I could

5:19

see where you're just so scared. It's going away

5:21

Yeah, you're gonna go I gotta go get them.

5:23

I gotta get 50 McRibs and freeze them Yeah,

5:25

I could freeze this somehow some dude out there

5:27

with 365 McRibs. Yeah, he's

5:29

like, I'm not I will

5:31

not go a day without This McRibs spare a square

5:34

So anyway, I'm sorry if you were offended by

5:36

me making fun of that I get the I

5:39

get the feeling well What's funny about that is

5:41

I hadn't really thought about it until you apologized

5:44

We have our oldest is really picky So we

5:46

had there are certain things like we have these

5:48

fig bars from Costco And then

5:50

we have peanut butter the mini peanut

5:52

butter crackers. Mm-hmm Ritz crackers and

5:56

For months those were just gone.

5:58

None of the stores my wife She would go to

6:01

store store store to get them like this in

6:03

the shopping for it. I think I'll me Elmo

6:05

or something Yeah, because that was one of the

6:07

things that like we know he'll eat consistently and

6:09

it's got some protein in it And it's halfway

6:11

decent. I'll fill them up and

6:13

so you say it'll feel them up like I'll squeeze

6:15

his tip Yeah, it'll give him a little pinchy poo.

6:17

That's pretty cool fingers,

6:20

but No wonder

6:22

they sold out. Yeah fucking Whoever

6:26

was eating those things found out the little

6:28

secret surprise picture in that commercial It'll finger

6:30

your butt The

6:33

cracker that's delicious. Feel you up and

6:35

finger your butt Give

6:38

you a little twist on if it do better

6:41

the pop pop by and you finger your butt

6:44

Good Just

6:47

a little twist off is showing the motion

6:49

a little twisty and just Like

6:52

right up an asshole and just the logo rits and

6:54

you're like what the fuck did I

6:57

just watch? Oh Yeah,

6:59

when the kids find something that works and

7:02

then it disappears that is that's an emergency

7:04

situation It's crazy man, but you got your hands

7:06

on him again. Yeah. Yeah. So well we had

7:08

to find we had like it We

7:11

we got like a different brand which sometimes

7:13

he would eat sometimes He knows they're a little different

7:15

but then we were able to get so she I

7:18

mean It was like one of those coupon

7:20

ladies that buys like 50 things

7:22

of ketchup because he saves money It's

7:25

gonna take 80 years to use it all. Mm-hmm,

7:27

but she saved money your wife hands. She goes

7:29

it. All right today Today's the day. I'm heading

7:31

out to find those written. You're like, all right.

7:33

God. God. Yeah, you don't see her for three

7:36

We got speed she comes back with like Ritz.

7:38

Oh, like it's all Spanish box. Yeah, she's bruised

7:40

Yo, she's missing an arm. Yeah, I got it

7:42

It's like what's up there tell Adam is a

7:44

walking dead like we got to go out and

7:46

find rations and food and

7:48

weapons and medicine That's what it's like.

7:50

Oh Well, I'm

7:53

sure they appreciate your apology

7:55

in other news. I have

7:57

some exciting news everybody Oh Bad

8:00

news the show might end good news. I'm

8:03

going on a fucking hot air balloon ride. I can't believe this

8:08

He sent me a text he's like oh by

8:10

the way I'm going on a hot air balloon

8:13

and just that's just an oh by the way

8:15

you're like alright like what do I wear to

8:17

The funeral yeah, I was like your best wicker

8:19

suit. I was like bring an airbag. You're

8:21

like. I don't I'm gonna play

8:23

e6 Burn burn

8:25

like a wicker basket Yeah,

8:27

this microphone. Yeah have what with all you want all

8:30

my shit. Yeah, you can have all my shit if

8:32

I die in a Hot air balloon crash, okay? The

8:36

irony and really looking at the bigger

8:38

picture that way that would be a

8:40

that's the way to get an amazing way to go Yeah

8:44

But I mean honestly hope it doesn't happen, but if

8:46

it does it's pretty funny They still run

8:48

into like a power line or something doesn't feel like I

8:50

have control over that We'll

8:52

just go where there aren't any power lines Arizona.

8:55

I think we're gonna be desert. Oh, oh You're

8:57

going to like one of those yeah, the

9:00

air balloon morning. Uh-huh. Oh What

9:03

is it is it we're balloon morning comm

9:06

Is it really no no, but it's is it

9:08

a festival no, but they just do the rides

9:10

I don't like there's they're not the only Hot

9:13

hot air balloon that'll be out there I'm sure

9:15

you might run into another hot air balloon that'd

9:18

be sweet And I would jump into the other

9:20

basket that'd be that would be cool That's like

9:22

that's some fucking mission impossible double-o-seven shit right there.

9:24

Okay flip into the next bag Yeah, and

9:27

you know the other so the other guy out

9:29

and then and then pop that one and

9:31

then switch Pop it

9:34

you can't I thought about how often out

9:36

of your mind I Hijacking

9:43

a hot air balloon how stupid that is.

9:46

Mm-hmm. Everybody's down like what are you doing?

9:49

Like we're literally where are you gonna go? I'm hoping

9:52

for two miles over there. It's gonna be great

9:54

But it's coming up May 10th. So oh Real

9:57

quick. I just had a thought and maybe we can Maybe

10:00

we can do this on another episode. How

10:03

they have, you know, emergency doors

10:05

on an airplane. How you just put someone in charge

10:07

of that. Same thing

10:10

with like, they don't, do they have anything like that

10:12

on an air balloon? Like, I'm sure

10:14

you have to have a... Like if the guy

10:16

that's pulling the thing has a heart attack. Mm-hmm.

10:18

Who's next? Yeah, like, is he gonna

10:20

be like, so if I die, do you know how to pull a

10:22

string? You can land this, right? Like, you can get this down and

10:25

he's like, I need a verbal. I need a

10:27

verbal yes. Yeah, like, yeah. I

10:31

feel like I just don't pull the string and we'll go

10:33

down, right? And he's like, yep, that's about it. That's about

10:35

it. You don't know where you're going down. Just make sure

10:37

there's no water or power lines. And no matter how bad

10:39

you want to pull the thing and believe me, it is

10:41

hard. Oh, you're gonna want to do it. You're

10:44

gonna want to pull it. That's all you're gonna want to do.

10:46

That's how I got hooked. But don't

10:48

do it. I was just like you, man.

10:50

I was scared. I was so scared, but fuck,

10:52

I still pulled that rope. I pulled it one

10:54

time and I just haven't stopped pulling since. I

10:57

was hooked. All

10:59

right. We got to get into the show. Got lap

11:01

time on the show today. Zachie Poo, quick preview. We're

11:04

gonna debunk some myths about the world that we

11:06

live in. Ooh, fun. Should be fun. I got some

11:08

silly ones. Looking forward to it. All right, let's start

11:10

the show. There's some sex

11:13

today. Oh, I like that. So let's

11:15

get ready for that. All right, yeah! Hey,

11:19

shut up. It's not the show already. I'm

11:22

pretty sure no

11:25

one needed that warning. They're

11:27

like, yeah, I've been listening to this podcast.

11:29

I'm pretty sure you guys should be talking

11:31

about anything and a dick is

11:33

gonna somehow find a way in. You're

11:36

like, guys, no, it's crazy. It reminds me of a big

11:38

dick. That took 10 minutes. All right,

11:40

okay, so this one was sent in by

11:42

so many people over the

11:44

last, I guess, almost two years now. Wow.

11:48

We're just gonna do it. And it is a popular one.

11:50

I mean, I've seen it a lot of places on the

11:52

internet, but it's never been on the show. Would

11:55

you rather give the first 90% of a

11:57

blowjob We're

12:00

talking from gummy worm up to

12:02

that 90% completion mark. Or

12:06

give the last 10% of

12:08

a blow job. So

12:12

basically blue collar, white collar.

12:15

You get it. Yeah. Cause

12:18

come. Yeah. Uh, yeah.

12:20

Would you, I mean, grind it, but you

12:22

don't have to deal with the come part.

12:26

You'd get the credit though. I think at the

12:28

end, like, like

12:31

special, special appearance by Brian.

12:33

Yeah. Okay. Here's a

12:35

blow job blow job by Joe

12:37

featuring Brian. Here's an analogy for

12:39

you that I just, uh, so

12:41

like, let's go back to the

12:43

airplane. Okay. Let's say you're flying

12:45

across the country and

12:48

you're flying from Seattle to New York. And

12:51

then like direct flight. Yeah.

12:53

Direct flight. Say you're just going

12:55

straight across. Whatever. Whatever. Delta.

12:58

Okay. I'm in maybe

13:00

in like, I don't know, like

13:03

Buffalo, cause you're going to fly somewhat

13:05

over Buffalo. Okay. That Buffalo,

13:07

like both pilots have

13:10

a heart attack and die. Okay. And you

13:12

go in there and you land the

13:14

plane. Who's getting the

13:16

credit for killing the pilot? No, who's getting

13:18

the credit for saving everybody's life. You,

13:22

you didn't do shit until the

13:24

very end. Last little bit. Now let's

13:26

go back to the blow job. So

13:29

there was jerking off and sucking a

13:31

pilot's dick on a nonstop flight

13:33

to New York. Yep. You following? Yeah. You're

13:35

with me still. And

13:39

he works for Delta. Like, okay. All right.

13:41

The copilot steps in, pushes you

13:43

off, finishes the job. So back

13:45

to the question, getting the credit. Where

13:47

do you want, where do you want it? No, I yeah. Putting

13:50

in all that work. It really is

13:52

when the job's done. That's who's getting the, getting the

13:54

credit. I mean, any sort of corporate

13:56

level shit, like someone they're like, Oh,

13:58

you fucking do it. And then they do

14:00

it and then that person's like, no, they did

14:02

it. And then everyone's like, oh, good job. Person

14:04

in charge of other people that actually did it.

14:06

I had a boss one time that I would

14:09

do all this shit. Like she would say, this

14:11

is what we want. I would make this whole

14:13

thing. It would be, in

14:15

my opinion, ready to go, great. But she had to

14:17

look over it and she had to change something just

14:19

so there was, she was a little bit a part

14:22

of it, even if it made it worse. But

14:24

then it would go out like that, just

14:27

so she could say, oh, that was my

14:29

final touch. So

14:31

I get you, I hear you.

14:34

But I feel, it'd be so funny

14:36

if you were being super bitter, like, God, this bitch, dude.

14:39

Oh, he's correcting the unfair

14:42

in the right form of where. Just

14:45

has to do something. And all she's doing

14:47

is correcting your fucking spelling. It

14:50

was fine the way it was. Like, I

14:52

guess. If you're illiterate. Yeah, yeah, oh, cool.

14:55

Yeah, two O's on the fucking two this

14:57

time. Oh yeah, just

14:59

period. You always gotta say something.

15:02

She's like, just fucking making it right. I

15:05

wish that was it. Yeah. Well,

15:08

we've talked about you sucking dicks, which

15:11

I think is cool. You

15:13

think you'd be pretty good at it. I think

15:16

I could get there. I

15:18

mean, the first few times would be

15:20

clunky, just because it's somebody

15:22

else, but you'd get into a rhythm.

15:26

Yeah. I don't know, the

15:28

first part of me that's just like, like,

15:30

I wouldn't want to take it in the mouth, but like,

15:34

you know, like. Do they get to choose where it's going? No.

15:38

Oh, I feel like if you're the giver, you get

15:40

to have a part in saying that, right? You're sucking

15:42

this dick. Let's just say, it's only 10%. This

15:45

comes going in your mouth. It's

15:47

going in the mouth, for sure. You're sucking a dick and

15:49

you'd be like, so let's just say 90% of the blowjob,

15:51

you're sucking the dick, the last 10%, you've

15:54

got a rock hard dick that's ready to go, and

15:57

it becomes going in your mouth, but 10%. of

16:00

the work and

16:02

it's one time I don't want some

16:05

dudes jizzing my mouth who who does

16:08

truly I know there's people that

16:10

do um but the first that's a lot of

16:13

that's a lot of dick sucking and

16:15

if you're not that good at it it's gonna be

16:17

longer yeah that's why I'm thinking I

16:19

think I could do pretty

16:21

good job man if it's a one-off

16:23

it's hard to like

16:25

not use that 90% off coupon yeah yeah

16:28

like if this thing's

16:31

a hundred bucks and it's only ten

16:33

dollars it's blowjob math yeah and I'm

16:35

like all right that's pretty cool

16:39

and now it can I swallow you'd spit alright

16:41

that's your choice oh you only

16:43

choice is the only choice but it's going in your mouth um

16:46

if I'm gonna watch the I'm gonna watch you

16:48

suck this dick for the first 90% okay and

16:51

I'm just gonna be like that's what he's

16:54

doing wrong I'm just gonna read the situation

16:56

and then when I tag team in I'm

16:58

just gonna mix it up and go fucking

17:01

hard so that it's gonna be just get

17:03

it over with just be just

17:06

a little slut you're

17:09

gonna put your hair back in the ponytail and just

17:11

get after it that's fun that was hard to say

17:13

but it's funny I'm gonna be that little

17:15

you're gonna get that dick can be a good little girl

17:17

a good little whore and

17:20

just mix it up so he's like oh shit what's

17:22

happening ten seconds take it spit

17:26

it on your head and then leave yeah

17:29

you're still there you're so out of breath I

17:32

guess come in come in my mouth and spit

17:34

it your hair and leave that's how

17:37

it's like it's a mic drop it's

17:39

a dick drop just go spit in your hair

17:41

and spike your hair up with it yeah like

17:43

see you next week later do we've

17:45

seen next week recording and you're

17:48

just like oh yeah your jaw hurt yeah

17:50

that's the whole thing I worry about the

17:52

jaw like that's why I feel like

17:54

you'd have to get used to it yeah that's why

17:56

I think I would use a lot of you know

17:58

a lot of back-and-forth little I think I think a

18:00

good all around

18:03

BJ where you're using the hand a little

18:05

bit, you don't want to just constantly mount

18:07

it in too much. You know, you got

18:09

to mix it up. You

18:11

got to have some tricks. It can't be the same thing

18:13

the whole time. I hear you. Okay,

18:16

well, enough about this. I'm going to pick the last

18:18

10%. It's one time, but

18:20

it's hard to just...that's fine. Just

18:22

do a 10% thing and get me out of

18:24

there. As much as

18:27

I don't want to take it, some dudes

18:29

load in the mouth. I feel like they

18:31

do. And then I get the choice

18:33

to spit it out. So I'm going to do that. If

18:35

it shoots right down your throat. That's

18:37

true. Zach?

18:41

I'm probably with you guys. Just get over with. Just

18:43

do a 10% off. 90% off. I'm

18:45

with Brian and the jaw thing. It's like,

18:47

I think it probably... So

18:49

here's another thought though. I

18:52

know we're talking about less

18:54

work and getting the job, but imagine if

18:56

you did 90% of the work

18:59

and then someone else taps in and then

19:02

you have to watch them finish the job and

19:04

then the person is like, you're so good at

19:07

sucking dick. Yeah. And they're like,

19:09

thank you so much. You're sitting over there. What? What

19:12

are you talking about, dude? Fuck

19:14

that guy. Unbelievable. Yeah.

19:17

It's like the guy...when you're in school and you

19:19

have a school project with a partner or a

19:21

group and you're doing all this work and

19:23

then the guy that's just fucking off the whole time gets

19:26

the same grade as you. Like make some funny

19:28

joke one time during the PowerPoint. Yeah. Oh,

19:30

he was a funny guy. That was so good. Yeah.

19:33

You made the whole thing and you're just throwing the corner and you're

19:35

like, God damn it. Yeah. Which I did

19:37

that a lot because I was the funny guy. So

19:39

I would chime in, make a couple of things that

19:41

were like, put it over the top. So

19:44

that's what it...yeah. 10% for all of us. That's

19:49

great. I don't want to watch somebody else get the

19:51

glory. I like that. Alright,

19:53

well we're talking about...some of the horror get the glory.

19:56

We're going to talk about come again. So...Zach! Hey.

19:58

Nice to meet you. Hey, what's up, babe? What

20:01

are you thinking about? You know,

20:03

nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot

20:05

of shit. What are you

20:07

thinking about? I was

20:09

having sexual intercourse. Oh, just getting right into

20:11

it. Yeah, last week. It

20:15

was a good one too. It was fun. Where

20:18

at? Right above your head, in

20:20

the room up there. And

20:23

getting towards the end of it, it was one

20:25

of those moments, it was just like a fun

20:27

one. And I

20:29

didn't really know where to come. So

20:31

I figured I would toss that question out, because like, you

20:33

look, yeah, just like

20:35

a multiple choice question. Having

20:38

a hard time. Which is what I'm talking about, yeah.

20:41

But like, you know, you say it in that voice. You

20:45

say, no. Do you really say it in that voice though?

20:47

No, but it feels like you should. And

20:50

I think we should really be

20:52

doing that. Like the coffee machine or something.

20:54

Just vice it up. Imagine just having like

20:56

this passionate sex. Oh no, it's your

20:58

anniversary. You went out for a great dinner. A lot

21:00

of laughs, sharing memories. You come back, it's like a

21:03

nice, it's a good fuck. And

21:05

you're passionate. Yeah, just, and you're also

21:07

like, a little sweaty in your

21:09

hair. You know, you're kinda still looking good. You got

21:11

some product in your hair. And

21:14

right then you're like, you want some

21:16

more product? And you're like, where do you

21:19

want it? And then she gets like dead

21:21

ass serious, looks at you and goes, I

21:23

want you to go over there in the corner and fucking come

21:25

on the vacuum cleaner. And you're

21:27

just like, okay. I

21:31

asked. And you can sound like

21:33

this fucking candle lit room in

21:35

this sweaty dude. And like the moon

21:37

shining through the window. Sweaty

21:39

dude, little out of shape, out

21:42

of breath. And he's just fucking in the corner. Look,

21:44

he's like, like, where did it exist? And

21:47

she's like, yeah. And you're like, you know, like on

21:49

the attachments? I mean, what

21:51

part of it? Which attachment? I don't, I didn't

21:53

think that far. Just anywhere on the vacuum cleaner.

21:55

Like, okay, yeah. Fucking,

21:58

oh my God, I'm making this. I

22:00

can clean your dirty you're

22:02

gonna have to vacuum itself you can't you

22:04

can't cuz I'm fucking coming on it but

22:07

like she can say whatever

22:09

or like you're like where you want it and then

22:12

she goes she goes well I

22:14

think that we should be safe you know what I want

22:16

you to just get the trash bin out from under the

22:18

desk and just come in it oh yeah clean sterile right

22:20

nothing to worry about and then the

22:22

guys like okay sure

22:25

are you sure you know like on your boobs

22:27

are she's like no right in the trash

22:32

can't buy this guy a little out

22:34

of shape like a like a beer

22:36

belly and he's got

22:41

he's a hairy one and he's hunched down he's like

22:43

right here it's one of those ones

22:45

the most you have to wave your hand over

22:47

so it lifts up it's like Oh

22:56

Yeah Or

22:58

you have to step it up with your foot pedal

23:00

You're like you're in a foot cramp You're

23:03

peening against the wall Wake

23:05

the kids up What's daddy

23:07

doing? Do what

23:10

mommy wants And

23:14

what she wants is not another one of you Get

23:16

out of here! Taking out the trash Take

23:19

out your little brothers and sisters What you look like

23:21

for a trash thief This is

23:23

called safe sex This is called safe sex

23:25

It won't teach you this in class Shit

23:30

One of these fucking liberal teachers won't teach

23:32

you this in class Take

23:34

a picture of your kids walking in your dad Dude,

23:38

what are you doing? He goes do practice

23:40

in safe sex And he stands on the

23:42

like the pedal Like pew pew

23:45

But he didn't teach you this in seventh grade And

23:48

you're like what the fuck is happening? But you

23:50

Mrs. Johnson didn't show you this Go back

23:52

to bed Daddy's coming Go

23:56

back upstairs boy Daddy's being safe

23:58

No, but literally any Like she

24:01

goes, you know what? God, I just go come in the

24:03

air fryer and you're like, okay Hard

24:09

and you're fucking open the doors and you just

24:11

you're like this echo like That's

24:16

so hot I'm coming

24:18

in that's so hot like I know I can feel it

24:21

to the air fryer You

24:26

want any chicken tender I'm in

24:28

here. Oh man, but yeah, just everything

24:30

anything like if he's like fucking make

24:33

him go come in a toaster Mm-hmm

24:35

spice it up a bit Talk

24:38

about toasters through it'll yeah Have

24:41

you ever had a I mean have you ever really had

24:43

a taste a toaster strudel if you haven't had one covered

24:45

in gum Think about it question.

24:47

I know Save

24:49

money on the fucking shitty frosting packets that

24:52

never work They

24:56

work better than Tom Have

24:58

you try? Yeah going on a limb.

25:00

Mmm going on a limb. Yeah fucking

25:02

yeah Come

25:05

on the tree. I Want

25:08

you to climb the tree? I have always I mean, you know

25:10

what'd be so hot if you have a bird feeder went out

25:12

to the Back come on a bird feeder. I want you to

25:14

go to the garage get that step ladder and then go fucking

25:16

come in the bird See her and she's

25:19

peeking out the blinds There's

25:28

no like a nest of a bird I'm

25:31

gonna feed you baby Referencing

25:34

an older episode The

25:38

wife or whatever just peeking out the blinds and

25:40

dad is up on a 20-foot ladder fucking a

25:42

birdhouse Turning

25:51

around The

25:58

window like so

26:00

hot so I'm so turned

26:02

on yeah almost there oh

26:04

yeah it's so hot babe

26:07

yeah I know little nest

26:09

just going birds are trying

26:11

to get out what's

26:14

trying to come in it's like hovering there like what

26:16

you fucking my bird house dude what

26:20

are you doing here that's

26:22

a big worm just

26:26

leave that worm in my burnout no

26:29

fucking fucking fucking my wife

26:31

my wife wanted she

26:34

asked me to do this what a scene yeah

26:36

but anyway all the women or all the partners

26:38

out there I don't

26:41

care what your sexuality is if you get asked the

26:43

question where do you want it just

26:45

for a second yeah do consider

26:48

mixing it up because you have

26:50

so much power on the dark board

26:52

really say whatever you want where

26:54

do you want it like I don't want it all you're

26:57

like well what should I do with it I don't know

26:59

yours not my problem

27:01

okay shit or I didn't think about

27:03

this I thought you were gonna want

27:05

it hey it was just plain and

27:07

me something you're gonna want it so

27:09

right now you don't and here I

27:11

am I have it fuck

27:15

what should I do all right

27:17

well it is it

27:19

is funny cuz like when you're just having sex and

27:21

like in the moment but there is that thing like

27:24

we know there's that time is gonna come it's

27:26

like what do we what do we do in

27:28

here or then after it's over it's like can

27:31

you give me a towel or clean up it's

27:33

just it's such a it's such

27:35

a sexual act and then afterwards it's

27:38

just like anyway whatever

27:40

it was a man towel or whatever

27:42

you know like everyone's sweaty and what

27:47

damn it was I can say in

27:49

you what oh yeah

27:52

so let's say have you I don't know we talked about

27:54

this before but isn't it weird like if

27:56

someone if you're like hey can you can

27:59

you fill up this Drink or can you bring

28:01

this something to they bring it to your all thanks, but

28:04

if you're like hey Can you put my

28:06

dick in your mouth? And they blow

28:08

you and then afterwards you like you don't say thank you

28:10

right? It's weird Wow, I mean to

28:12

be funny sometimes for like thank you. That

28:14

was awesome Yeah, I just being whatever but

28:16

it's like but like that thing where you're

28:19

weird to say nothing How

28:21

do you say? Oh god? That was awesome That

28:23

was not but like to say like think because like

28:25

in any other situation if somebody did something for you'd

28:28

be like, thank you Dude that

28:30

was bussin no cap. Yeah, no captain cap

28:32

that ass, bro. Oh Thanks,

28:37

yeah, I just try to mix

28:39

it up a little bit. Yeah, it's funny I

28:42

just want to picture in the guy jizzing in

28:44

the garbage can in the moonlight to me is

28:46

it so funny Yeah, that dad bod

28:48

to looking kind of like a gremlin.

28:51

Yeah Just like

28:53

oh, yeah Thinking

28:55

he's being so sexy for her though. She's

28:57

just like like laying on the

28:59

pillow. Just look at like oh my god That's

29:01

so hot. You are so safe. I know I

29:05

know you sure you don't fucking there's not anywhere

29:07

else you want it feels that I want it

29:09

right there Okay, zero days without any accidents All

29:15

right, well, we're gonna talk about dicks

29:17

again we roll dick I

29:27

Know you guys remember John Wayne Bobbitt.

29:29

I do Got

29:31

a dick cut off. I know and there's not really

29:34

a whole lot of funny here, but

29:36

just poor fella John

29:38

Wayne Bobbitt you still alive. Yeah

29:40

vet whose wife sliced off his

29:43

manhood Loses toes

29:45

due to toxic water at Camp Lejeune what

29:47

or Lejeune? What is it? I've heard the

29:49

commercial a million times I think it's Lejeune

29:51

Lejeune. I Fuck

29:54

me, dude Poor

29:57

guy, although I

29:59

don't remember clearly what happened. It was all the way

30:01

back in 1993. Did he cheat on her? Yeah,

30:05

no, he was... I mean, he still doesn't deserve

30:07

to lose his penis. I think he

30:09

was... yeah, he was sexually... But

30:12

was any of that proof? I guess I could probably

30:15

read the article. I don't know, yeah. I did read

30:17

it, but yeah, I don't remember what they said. So

30:19

John Wayne Bobbitt, the Virginia man whose

30:21

wife, Lorena Bobbitt, infamously chopped off his

30:23

penis with a kitchen knife back in 1993, real quick,

30:27

isn't it crazy that they are

30:30

global celebrities for that? Just

30:32

that's the only reason. Like

30:34

you hear Bobbitt, you

30:37

don't need to hear Lorena, John Wayne, anything. It's just like

30:39

someone cut someone's dick off. That's all you need to hear is Bobbitt.

30:42

And then she just throw it out of a car window and there's

30:44

like an apart or some shit like that? I

30:46

don't remember. It was, yeah. Dude, stop. Like

30:48

side of the road shit, yeah. That's why, what a

30:50

story. And they went and found it. That's amazing. And

30:53

they... It wasn't a nod upon or nothing. It

30:56

was just a nice dick in the park. He

30:59

lost all his toes through the side effects from illness. He

31:02

claims he's sustained while based at Camp

31:04

Lejeune. Lejeune? Fuck me. Back

31:06

in the 1980s, Lorena Bobbitt attacked

31:08

her then husband in his sleep and tossed

31:11

his severed manhood outside a car window. As

31:13

she fled the scene, doctors were miraculously able

31:15

to reattach it. I want to see it.

31:18

I guess I never realized they... I never

31:21

got that far into the funniness

31:23

of it. And I guess they didn't realize they reattached

31:25

it. Yeah. He went to see the dick farmer. More

31:28

after that too, I think. Of course. We can

31:30

see his dick somewhere? I think so, yeah. Okay.

31:33

Oh, will you look it up while I read this article? You

31:36

won't be able to show it obviously, but... I'm

31:39

curious to see what's going on with that thing. But

31:42

now, due to condition called toxic

31:44

peripheral polyneuropathy, he lost all 10

31:46

toes and walks with the help

31:48

of prosthetics. The former construction

31:51

worker tells Fox News Digital. I'd

31:53

get wounds, they would heal, and lead

31:56

to a giant word. What was that?

31:58

John Wayne Bobbitt, uncut. Litis

32:00

as the oatmeal lattice called a

32:02

bone infection called uncut and I

32:05

yeah They didn't know what

32:07

the underlying condition was back in 2013

32:09

when I first got wounded but I

32:12

that that connection between

32:15

We just hearing this story and I'm sure we

32:17

have some younger listeners that maybe you have no

32:19

idea You're like what like what the fuck is this

32:21

cuz it just kind of got burned into

32:24

all of us like our generation

32:26

Why when you get you just someone getting their

32:29

dick chopped off and gets thrown out of car

32:31

window It's just really

32:33

resonated men

32:35

and women all across the board Now

32:47

after hearing all of these commercials, I mean it's

32:49

like late night, but it's also daytime you hear

32:51

like We used station to

32:53

camp with June like from blah blah blah blah like You

32:58

have met those silly oh yeah, yeah, that's

33:00

a method of me so Thilema So Thilema

33:03

me so soup like don't

33:05

say come on you right now I just got damn

33:07

I wanna I want to see it but I'm

33:10

trying to want to get our page fucking banned

33:12

from YouTube. Oh Fuck

33:14

it Ron Jeremy's in there With

33:16

him he wiggled his way in Please

33:19

ball. I know he made a porn is it is this

33:21

dick work. Yeah I'm

33:25

trying to get I'm trying to oh shitty

33:27

porn. Yeah, that must be him right there Dude,

33:30

this ad that's running next to the it's

33:32

like a it's hardcore about wiener vibrator or

33:34

something What

33:38

would you know that wait there wait can

33:40

he not get hurt as

33:42

I mean it feels like that would be Attaching

33:45

it and having enough Blood

33:47

just to be able to have it opposed

33:50

to Reattaching it and having it

33:52

work in such a way that

33:54

you can actually get hard seems like

33:57

a miracle right

34:00

Anyone? Sorry, I'm just... Look at this, look

34:02

at this. We're all fucking... We're all Jeremy.

34:04

Jeremy just blasted the gal. He just asked

34:06

where she wanted it. She did. It

34:09

wasn't the garbage can this night. It

34:11

was not. She was out. She's rubbing it.

34:13

Anywhere but on me. Okay. He's

34:16

just rubbing it into her skin right now. That's

34:19

really cool. Where did John Wayne Bobbitt go? He

34:22

got cut from the film just like his dick got cut

34:24

off. Probably they're like... Yeah,

34:27

it wasn't working. They paid him for a cameo.

34:29

I mean it's... Yeah, it's teeny

34:31

tiny. It's not getting... Okay. Well,

34:34

he should have upgraded. No

34:37

horse cock, Joe. He

34:39

should have upgraded. He had a chance to... And

34:41

you don't get that chance very often. You don't. It's

34:43

a once in a lifetime I feel like the dick

34:45

farmer only comes around every

34:48

so often. Dude, I've locked out. I

34:50

don't know what you were talking about. No, you got the

34:52

idea. But

34:54

yeah, you have this dick and they pick it up and the

34:56

doctor's trying to talk him out of it. He

34:58

goes, look at the dicks we have. And

35:00

that opens up a vault. It's like you

35:02

can have any of these in not

35:05

this. And he's just like holding

35:07

up an acorn. He goes, no, I want it.

35:09

I really like the one I had. He's like,

35:11

I don't... You haven't had this. You

35:14

need to try this dick. What can I do

35:16

to get you in... What can I say to get you

35:18

into this dick today? Get you a

35:20

test drive this baby. What would it take? It's

35:22

a $400 rebate. Mail in rebate.

35:24

Yeah. It's

35:27

been... The rebate. You are in

35:29

luck. We have a Father's Day

35:31

sale going on right now. Yeah, we got to move. We got

35:33

to move some merchandise here. Not only do you get this one,

35:35

but right now until Sunday, you can also get two free. And

35:40

he's like, I guess one of the

35:42

original. He goes, I don't think you're hearing me. I

35:44

don't think you're hearing me. I don't think

35:46

you're hearing me. If you're someone

35:48

else I could talk to you. This is not fucking

35:50

fascinating with this tiny ass dick. Like

35:53

who are you dating? You dating anybody? Can you bring her in

35:55

here? Because... I'm

36:00

sure she could take a look at this wall of dicks

36:02

and talk you into it Good

36:04

negotiation for something like that listen.

36:07

I really need to hit my quota This

36:09

month or I'm I'm gonna have to pay

36:12

the penalties please do me a solid warranty

36:14

and all that shit You do me a

36:16

solid upgrade your dick Okay,

36:18

that's it. I guess thought it was sad that you

36:20

get your dick cut off Right

36:23

the ladies don't they want they

36:26

want the Cadillac of dicks right here Cuz you were stationed

36:28

at a camp where all the drinking water was fucking

36:31

contaminated Mm-hmm, but so what his dick have

36:33

fallen off anyway, then I don't

36:35

know if you lost all of his toes I guess sounds

36:38

like dicks next on the docket dicks on

36:40

deck. All right dicks on docket All

36:43

right, you want to read the the next dick and then

36:45

we'll be jumping off to lap time with

36:48

all righty Parents

36:51

offered class photo with no

36:53

complex needs pupils Oh

36:57

bold The council has

36:59

apologized after parents were offered a

37:01

choice of class photos with or

37:03

without children with complex needs in

37:05

them Parents

37:09

that a boy in primary complained that being

37:11

sent a link from a photography company offering

37:14

them alternative I Ready

37:19

and Shira cancel said the decision was not taken by

37:21

the school and the was not

37:23

was not taken by the school and

37:25

the link To the photos was immediately

37:27

removed Tempest photography told

37:29

BBC Scotland news investigating the matter that

37:31

had spoken to both the photographer and

37:33

involved at the school The company added

37:36

it no further comment at this stage

37:40

Understood some class photographs were taken before

37:42

the pupils with additional supports

37:45

Sport needs were brought in despite

37:47

pictures and Despite

37:50

pictures then being taken which included

37:52

all the pupils parents were still

37:54

given the options of both Tempest

37:58

is one of the biggest school for photography

38:00

firms I Was

38:03

I know I was unsure why two options were

38:05

given she said of their daughter's photos So

38:08

say I was shocked in a math is a

38:10

massive understatement I can't understand how a human can

38:12

think it's okay to effectively give people the

38:15

choice to erase Children from their

38:17

class and their history Two

38:19

schools were amazing, but absolutely appalled Wow

38:23

totally unacceptable Acceptable Aberdeen

38:25

Chiara Council said in the statement we are aware that

38:27

the following a boy in primer a

38:30

boy in primary schools recent school

38:32

class Photographs links to purchase the

38:34

pictures included images with and without

38:36

complex needs Provisional peoples

38:38

how did that how did that

38:41

go down? So here I mean I

38:43

have a couple ways that my brain imagines it but

38:46

one is The

38:48

way that school photos were taken right

38:50

back in the day you were either

38:52

like shuttle to the gym Or

38:55

back in like those elementary days they go to the

38:57

library, right? So you'd stand you have a little row

38:59

and they'd get you in there and take

39:01

your photo and then bring you out the other Door right a

39:04

nice little cow Cattle

39:07

of hurt or whatever it's called. What's it called

39:09

cattle guard cattle something? Where

39:11

they push you through the gate? Move

39:15

your way in there they brand you and then you get

39:17

out of the shock you I'm leaving

39:20

in this photographer Was I quick? For

39:22

the cripple show up Yeah,

39:29

everyone's like nothing happened. They're just like go

39:31

back to talking and they start talking and the door

39:33

opens and the kids with disabilities Roll

39:35

in like what I'm stimming in the dock. Yeah,

39:37

and the doctor is just like over that the

39:40

doctor the photographer

39:42

is just doing this he's just Just

39:45

you know, he's like they're not like we're not a

39:47

t-rex they can see Callum

39:50

you're like, okay. Okay smile. This

39:52

is the first picture. We're taking right

39:54

like wings What

39:58

the fuck is happening Like,

40:01

now, okay, you, we

40:03

need you in the front, okay, now you two here,

40:06

you, you, you, you go to the back,

40:09

and then you three over here, get the fuck out of here.

40:11

And you leave, uh, there's

40:14

this kid just over there going, WOOO!

40:17

And the kid's clapping, like, and like,

40:19

alright, everybody, you

40:21

three duck down? He's

40:24

like, and then, yeah, no, you two, yep,

40:26

just scoot over, and just scoots him out

40:28

of the frame, goes perfect, click. Oh, that's

40:31

it, now scoot in, scoot back in, scoot,

40:33

but what a fucking terrible idea, that is

40:35

awful! Why? What's

40:38

the point? Who came up

40:40

with the idea? And then, who

40:42

ran, just ran with it. They

40:44

couldn't, I mean, I guess, I don't see it, it has to be the

40:46

photographer. Well, it's weird, because

40:48

like, how could one, like, one person

40:50

does that, and there's people in

40:53

the room going, huh, wait, that's, are

40:55

we sure you want to do that? Or is there, like,

40:58

some people don't want to cause a

41:00

stir, and so there's like, this is

41:02

weird, but okay. I wonder if the

41:04

actual real situation that happened,

41:06

and again, I have no idea, was

41:09

that your photographer, you're just showing up to

41:11

a school, you don't know who's in the

41:13

class, right? You have no idea, and it

41:16

just took longer for the

41:19

special needs kids to get to where the picture

41:21

was going. Like, whatever the situation was.

41:24

So everyone showed up, and then he just took a picture,

41:27

and then he was like, oh shit, and

41:30

then he's like, well, I already took the picture, I might as well offer it,

41:32

and I just didn't give it a second thought and threw him out there. He

41:35

goes, well, here's one, and then here's one, that

41:38

with, I don't know, like, not your kids in it,

41:40

do you care? And he just, I don't know, just

41:42

didn't think it through and posted, sent out both links.

41:46

Like, it was maybe a totally innocent, was not

41:48

trying to be mean. He's like, well, I already

41:51

have the photo, so if you like this one

41:53

more, because your kid looks better, or if he

41:56

looks better than this one, but it has them in it.

41:59

Those people. Those people Have

42:02

at it. I mean whatever like he just didn't

42:04

even he didn't care. He wasn't being facetious He

42:07

I guess he knows what it is. I want

42:09

to believe that that's what it was It was

42:12

like a massive lack of

42:14

empathy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, damn,

42:16

dude Or

42:18

what if it's what was it? What if it was the

42:20

parents? Yeah, they all We're

42:22

not away with it He

42:25

has ruined the last four class photos.

42:27

I Just total

42:29

dick parents, but I guess I

42:32

can't even hang it up I can't stand

42:34

looking at those disabled kids the disabled

42:37

in the morning down the hallway disabled kids Might

42:40

as well offer it and I just didn't give it a

42:42

second thought and threw him out there He goes well, here's

42:45

one and then here's what? That

42:47

was I don't know like not your kids in

42:49

it Do you care and he just found out

42:51

just didn't think it through and posted sent out

42:54

both links Like

42:56

it was maybe a totally innocent was not trying

42:58

to be mean he's like well already have the

43:00

photo So if you like this one more because

43:02

your kid looks better Or

43:04

if he looks better than this one, but it has them in

43:07

it those people

43:09

those people Have

43:11

at it. I mean whatever like he just didn't

43:14

even he didn't care. He wasn't being facetious He

43:16

I guess you photos of what it is. I

43:18

want to believe that that's what it was It's

43:21

like a massive lack of empathy. Yeah. Yeah.

43:23

Yeah Damn

43:25

dude Or

43:27

what if it's what was it? What if it was

43:29

the parents? Yeah, they all were

43:31

let away with it He

43:34

is ruined the last four class photos.

43:36

I Just total

43:39

dick parents. Like I guess I

43:41

can't even hang it up. I can't

43:43

stand looking at those disabled kids They're

43:45

just disabled in the morning down

43:47

the hallway disabled kids. I Yeah,

43:50

I don't I believe it was gonna be

43:52

something a little like innocent they just

43:54

got out of out of control and should

43:57

never have happened but Yeah,

44:00

doing photography, doing pictures, you're trying to frame

44:02

things up right. God, there's so many just

44:05

terrible ways. Like imagine getting a school photo

44:07

that's framed up where like everybody's in it

44:09

and then just barely bottom left. There's like

44:11

three kids and all you see is like

44:13

their forehead up. Like she's like,

44:15

oh yeah, no, you're in it. You're

44:18

in it. So you're good right there,

44:20

click. All right, bye. And she

44:22

just purposely crops them out. Oh yeah, are

44:24

we good? Is this where we should be?

44:26

Yep, yep, right there. Perfect, it feels like

44:29

maybe we're not forward. Why are we

44:31

10 feet closer? I don't

44:33

know. It's fine, the camera works in mysterious ways.

44:35

You don't know how lenses work. Quiet, click. Obviously

44:39

you don't know how lenses work. Disabled kids'

44:41

foreheads are in the glass in the background.

44:45

Oh, awful. Well, I'm glad that they

44:47

fixed it because that is terrible. All

44:50

right, ready to jump off to lap time? Learn

44:52

some shit? Yeah, we can. I just

44:54

had this thought, as a parent, how

44:57

would you feel if your kid was

44:59

the one that was excluded? It's

45:04

like my kid has a hard enough time

45:07

being accepted or getting, and then something

45:09

like that happens, I could see parents

45:11

just being, fucking you're.

45:14

I mean, maybe, I still got

45:16

a picture with everybody in it. I

45:20

know, but the idea that somebody would

45:23

not want your kid in it. That

45:25

would hurt. That would hurt. But I

45:27

wouldn't lose my fucking mind over it. I would

45:29

just, I'd be like, yeah, fucking people are dicks.

45:31

Yeah, but I'm not everybody. I

45:34

would try to just be like, well, it doesn't

45:36

affect my life at all. And the answer is usually

45:38

no. Like if I don't get

45:40

all riled up and angry about it,

45:43

and then if I do, like what fucking changes?

45:45

Nothing, I'm still buying the same photo. Just

45:49

move on. Fuck that photographer. But

45:53

it's not necessarily about you, it's about like how

45:56

my kid's being treated or like this is the way,

45:59

they already have a. tough life fitting

46:02

in or doing whatever and now they're being

46:05

excluded from something they should have been a

46:07

part of. Yeah. Wouldn't

46:09

feel good but I wouldn't hold on to it

46:11

very long. I'd be like, that's fucking stupid. I

46:13

don't even know if I would say

46:15

something. I'd be like someone else would but I wouldn't either.

46:17

I'm like, yeah, fucking nuts so dick. You

46:20

fucking dicks. All right, are you

46:22

ready for lap time? I am. Okay. I'm

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children, why don't you come take a seat on Uncle

48:56

Zachy's line? Gather

49:00

around boys and girls, it's lap time with

49:02

Uncle Zach. This is not my lap you

49:04

little shits. Alright Zachy-poo. Oh

49:07

yay. Hi. Hi,

49:09

how's it going? Good, I'm adjusting

49:11

my goose seat. Are you guys

49:13

ready for some scientific knowledge questions?

49:15

Oh yeah. I love it.

49:17

I love science. So I don't know if you guys

49:20

saw this going through the internet on your feeds, but

49:22

this person was making the claim that the word

49:24

news actually stands for something.

49:26

Would you guess what the word news means?

49:29

I feel like I've heard this before, but I don't

49:31

know the answer. National

49:34

entertainment, weather, sports. Dude, very

49:36

close. Really? Yeah, as

49:38

far as what they thought. A lot of people think it's

49:41

northeast west south. Oh. But yeah, it was

49:43

like, it's very damn notable. Events,

49:45

weather, and sports. Oh, look at that.

49:47

Seriously, that's an acronym. But it's not.

49:50

And some people think it's noble events,

49:53

weather, and sports, past and present event

49:55

report for a newspaper. And

49:57

I heard that guy talking. I was like, that's gotta be shovel cock.

50:00

I went and looked it up. It just means

50:02

it's the plural form of new It's

50:05

just because it's not a noun. I guess people

50:07

are kind of like yeah. All right next one.

50:09

This one's really interesting What

50:12

would you guess if you could compare the Earth's? Smoothness

50:15

to some sports ball like baseball with the

50:17

ridges with the mountains and the valleys

50:19

and stuff What sports ball

50:21

would you say is closest to the smoothness

50:23

of the planet? Are we factoring

50:25

in the scale? Yep. Oh That

50:28

changes things For

50:31

some reason I want to say like a football

50:34

or something with with high because it's got

50:36

the laces that are but the shape is

50:38

but yeah, so like a baseball to me

50:41

fits Those things because of

50:43

the I know but if you mountain range you're scaling

50:45

it down and those Those ridges

50:47

would be fucking massive. Those are the

50:49

big huge mountains. I'm gonna

50:52

go with something Like

50:54

in the same it's not gonna be a tennis ball cuz that's Harry

50:57

I'm gonna say a racquetball racquetball. Yeah with

50:59

the holes in it and shit. No, just

51:01

like a smooth racquetball racquetball Okay, I'm thinking

51:03

that with football with a boy. Yeah, okay

51:06

Well, it's actually a cue ball and it's actually smoother

51:08

than the smoothest cue ball that we can make you

51:10

all right Because when you think about it, the highest

51:12

mountain is 29,000 feet or so the lowest depth is

51:14

36,000 feet So

51:18

it's really not or it's just a few miles Yeah,

51:20

and the earth is like 23,000 miles that make yeah

51:23

And so it's even a little dent

51:25

in the Gulf or in the cue ball.

51:27

Mm-hmm Yeah, so it's kind of an interesting

51:30

thing that is that it's really jailing it

51:32

way down Yeah, basically smooth smooth as fuck

51:34

if you are a giant God

51:37

coming over and that's it. Yeah, picking it up.

51:39

It'd just be a smooth surface. Yeah, even though

51:41

that moon it looks like a lemon So

51:44

on that same token, like we kind of

51:47

all know that Mount Everest or it's said

51:49

Mount Everest is the tallest thing on earth

51:51

Right. Mm-hmm, but there's technically two little things

51:53

that that kind of fight with it Hawaii

51:56

for one is actually the when you count

51:58

the crust even though it's underwater water, the

52:00

crust to the peak, it's much higher. It's

52:02

33,500 feet compared to 29,000 feet. But

52:06

also because of the, in Ecuador, there's a

52:08

mountain that because of the bulge

52:10

of the earth and where it is at the

52:13

equator, it actually squirts out into space further than

52:15

Mount Everest by quite a little

52:17

bit. Not too bad. Actually, I knew that. I bet

52:19

you did. I thought you would know a lot

52:21

of these. Well, just that one. Yeah,

52:24

because of the way that the earth is, yeah,

52:26

the way it's thicker at the... So the furthest

52:28

rock into space would be that fucking one. So

52:31

that's kind of interesting. Yeah, that's awesome. Here's some kind

52:33

of quick ones and you might know these guys too,

52:35

but these are pretty weird. So we

52:37

all know the spiders. I don't know if you

52:39

guys like spiders or if you're afraid of them,

52:42

but they are every fucking where on the earth.

52:45

They can swim, they can crawl.

52:47

And we learned this on Jar a couple

52:49

of weeks ago. They can fucking fly. They

52:51

call it ballooning and they shoot out of

52:54

their butts, their little web, and it can

52:56

take them all the way up as high

52:58

as the stratosphere. Into the atmosphere, they're like

53:00

jumping around planes and shit. They're looking at

53:02

space. They're basically hot air balloons. There's no

53:04

escape from motherfucking spiders. That's crazy. What? What

53:07

are they doing up there? Good question. There's

53:09

no food. They're procreating. That's what they're doing probably.

53:11

Well, when you see a give birth,

53:14

there's like a thousand babies. You

53:16

think about how many are actually like make

53:18

it and stuff. I mean, there's so many

53:20

fucking spiders. NASA has to

53:22

factor in like going through spider hot air balloons. Yeah.

53:25

They're like, I don't know. We know we're going to

53:27

hit at least two billion spider hot air balloons. Yeah.

53:29

When you're up there in the hot air balloon and

53:31

I watch for spiders, just chopping through them. All right.

53:33

So what's the nastiest creature on earth to you guys?

53:36

The thing that you think of when you think of

53:38

wretch and derp filth. Oh,

53:41

I gotcha. I don't know. I mean, stereotypically

53:43

go rat. Yeah. I was going to say

53:45

rat rat. Okay. I don't think that's even

53:47

close. That's the one you'd think of. Another

53:49

one. What's another top tier gross thing on

53:51

earth? Well, Matt, like a

53:54

maggot or a, um,

53:56

that's my wife's least favorite thing on the planet. And

53:58

it's just in the name. Sounds like maggot.

54:01

Yeah, I mean it just sounds bad. What's

54:03

that one parasite that gets in? Like

54:06

gets into bodies and then goes up your dickhole

54:09

and then grows inside of them and takes over

54:11

their brain That's pretty gross. Have you seen that

54:13

shit? I'm fucking nuts. They basically turn it into

54:15

a host It's a it's

54:17

not I don't think it's a parasite It might be a virus

54:20

but then they make them do whatever they want to go kill

54:22

themselves so that they can do it again Fuck just cool shit

54:24

like that. Yay planet Earth. I mean dung beetles are funny My

54:27

role in shit around all the way is pretty

54:29

gross Well neither of you guys mentioned cockroaches, but

54:31

a lot of people get pretty wretched out by

54:33

cockroaches Probably because you don't have them up here.

54:35

Yeah. Yeah for sure But the interesting thing that

54:37

I found was that you know We think of

54:39

wretch when we think of these guys But they

54:41

actually washed themselves after they come in contact with

54:43

humans Showing them like

54:45

as soon as we touched it's probably acidic

54:47

or grease or some shit But it's kind

54:49

of ironic that they're like, yeah human. All

54:52

right. Next one. Ready? What

54:54

color is the Sun? White

54:56

nice none. That's right. So I have

54:58

the solar eclipse. Yeah, that's why

55:00

I wanted to ask you but I figured you'd

55:03

know That's why rainbows

55:05

and things like that. It's like White

55:08

light hitting then the colors breaking apart That's it.

55:10

The atmosphere makes all the colors that we see

55:12

and then our eyes the cones and our eyes

55:14

Mm-hmm. So this minor broken you guys probably know

55:16

these cuz these are up your alley Well, what's

55:18

the biggest desert on the earth the

55:21

one that we think of we saw our yeah That's

55:23

the one we think of we have a guess. No,

55:25

I mean, you know where I'm going with this So

55:28

it's not it's not my hobby. It's

55:30

gonna be something like it's hard to it's hard

55:32

to imagine that it's a desert But

55:34

it is because it basically the definition of

55:37

a desert is less than I think 2%

55:39

or 2 inches of participation participation participation participation

55:42

a year as Is

55:44

it in Africa, Texas? It is not or

55:47

is it in the States? It's not in the States either.

55:49

Oh, yeah Go north. It's not

55:51

Australia off. I'll go south. He

55:53

really in Antarctica. Yep Oh,

55:55

yeah, yeah 5.4 million square miles compared

55:58

to six million point

56:01

yeah it's kind of interesting it is because

56:03

you think of the fucking snow and all

56:06

right I got a couple more so let's see here this

56:09

is one you know what happens when you put

56:11

a toaster in the tub and

56:13

you plug it in your phone coming it

56:15

right you come the main if it's a

56:17

toaster put it the tub and fucking come

56:19

in it yeah what you want when you

56:21

FaceTime me you want to you want to

56:23

watch me do it when you call me

56:25

FaceTime me it just took out an insurance

56:27

policy in yeah well the idea is that

56:29

we we think that water is

56:32

the conductor of electricity and that's the thing that's

56:34

electric that's killing us but

56:36

according to the USGS pure

56:38

or distilled water isn't a good conductor at

56:40

all like pure water has very little conduction

56:42

mm-hmm it's because we we do get chocks

56:45

when we do that but it's because of

56:47

all the metals and earth shit that are

56:49

conductors in the water and that's something I

56:51

never once thought of I just thought the

56:53

metal in the water yeah so when you

56:55

go into the lake it's not the wake

56:57

the lake water it's the minerals in the

56:59

water that would electrocute you or the

57:02

ocean the salt I guess I

57:04

never never thought of that either yeah I never heard

57:06

of that that's it's smart makes sense I found it

57:09

interesting all right I found it on

57:11

the web here's one because the flat earth is

57:13

such a popular dumb thing for people that love

57:15

no because it's flat it's super fun to look

57:17

into but but the theory is that

57:19

and I'm sure you guys have all heard this that the middle-aged

57:21

people thought that the world was flat and

57:24

that that was just the way it was until we

57:26

recently figured out that it wasn't you guys probably know

57:28

that most of the people in that time thought it

57:30

was round actually all the scholars at the

57:32

time but the myth started in the 1800s in the

57:34

mid to late

57:36

19th century when science and religion was

57:38

kind of brawling over evolution

57:41

when origin of species came out from Charles

57:43

Darwin that was kind of like a

57:46

time of battle and it was kind of like

57:48

an insult that's where that link thing well you

57:50

guys believe the earth was fucking flat for the

57:52

whole damn time and that literally spawned from that

57:54

and according to my shitty research and

57:57

led to that's what we think even

57:59

though it's absolutely not true. So you

58:01

can go back way into ancient times and they thought

58:03

the world was round. Gotcha. So great job, great job

58:05

modern people. You're doing great. Figuring it out. All right,

58:08

I got two more for you. You ready? Yeah, I'm

58:10

ready. Okay, so the myth is that

58:12

summer is warm because it's closer to the

58:14

sun. Have you heard that? Yeah, I have.

58:16

Yeah, it's the northern hemisphere is actually during

58:18

the summer furthest away from the sun, but

58:20

not by a lot. But it's

58:22

just the tilt of the earth. That's why the

58:24

days are longer. It's like sex with the angles.

58:26

You got to get the angle right. And then

58:28

you get the hot times. It just

58:31

warms on it better. Yeah. And

58:33

longer. Yep. And so that comes

58:35

through at the right angle. And I mean, it's just actually

58:37

furthest away in June, I think. Yeah,

58:40

I think I like to run the summer solstice.

58:42

And it's farther away. So it takes longer for

58:45

the earth. It just has

58:47

more coverage because it's farther away. Yeah. That

58:50

is that real? What you just said? Yeah.

58:54

You 100% on it? I just agreed because

58:56

I have no idea what I've never heard

58:58

that. Really? Fuck

59:01

me. I'll be down. I

59:03

did not know that. Today

59:05

was farthest away in the summer. No, I

59:07

guess I figured that it was had more to do with

59:10

our the tilt and our pattern. Yeah. And like, it

59:14

was just it wasn't further away to light it up

59:16

more. We just are tilting it. So it's lighting up

59:18

and hitting the atmosphere at the right angle to trap

59:20

more heat. Yeah. And I've

59:22

never I did not know that. Yeah.

59:24

And there. Yeah, we could add that's that's

59:27

a fun topic. Go for it. Yeah. Space

59:29

is fun. Last one. This

59:31

one is kind of interesting. Like

59:33

I'm gonna start it with. Are

59:36

there any movies like sci fi movies that you

59:38

in space with spaceships that you hate? Are

59:40

there some that are that you're just that's the least

59:42

favorite? No,

59:45

I'll piss people off. But I mean, I

59:47

don't I mean, I don't like Star Wars,

59:49

but I really don't like Star Trek. Fair.

59:52

Like it's fine. But it's just, it's

59:55

beyond cheesy to me. So

59:57

Star Trek was the difference between if you

1:00:00

If you want to get into detail here, Star

1:00:02

Trek is sci-fi. Star

1:00:05

Wars is fantasy. Because

1:00:07

there's a hard line there that people

1:00:09

will get upset. Well,

1:00:11

Star Trek doesn't keep with the science of fantasy

1:00:14

star shit pretty good, I guess. I don't

1:00:16

know. Star Wars is just, it's

1:00:18

not even just a fantasy. What are the

1:00:20

rings with fucking spaceships? So

1:00:22

when you think of any of space movie

1:00:24

and you think of asteroids, you imagine them

1:00:26

bumping into each other and being dangerous, right?

1:00:29

Yeah, that's kind of the myth that we see. In

1:00:32

Gunner Halifax, like that show that we have, our sci-fi

1:00:34

show, like, it's always stupid. Yeah,

1:00:37

it's always something stupid with asteroids. But

1:00:39

we realized, and we've changed it now,

1:00:41

that spaceships dodging asteroids is complete bullshit

1:00:43

and it's just from movies. First

1:00:46

of all, the asteroid belt that we're thinking of, the

1:00:49

amount of mass that it has is actually 4% of the

1:00:51

Earth's moon. So it's

1:00:53

very minimal. But they're so

1:00:55

fucking far apart from each other that

1:00:58

scientists basically, they get boners every time

1:01:00

they hit each other because they never

1:01:02

do. So there's 0% chance

1:01:04

almost that you're going to have to dodge asteroids.

1:01:07

You're more likely like, yay, we're going through an

1:01:09

asteroid thing. We're not going to get hit by

1:01:11

shit ever. It

1:01:14

would make it far less

1:01:17

exciting if they weren't dodging. You're going through an

1:01:19

asteroid belt and then you just go through it

1:01:21

and don't see a single asteroid. That

1:01:23

was it. Kind of like going to

1:01:25

a small town in Idaho. Don't blink. There

1:01:28

it goes. Speed trap. Well,

1:01:30

that was good. That was good stuff. Cool. Yay.

1:01:34

Learning stuff. That was fun. It was

1:01:36

fun to look into that shit for us. Learning is fun.

1:01:38

It is fun. Yeah, learn some

1:01:40

new things. Cool. Do you

1:01:42

guys want to do dick things now? No,

1:01:44

this is not quite dick things. Damn it.

1:01:46

We'll get back to some sex stuff, but first we have some

1:01:48

good news. Zach! So

1:01:53

you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

1:01:56

We aren't doomed. Yeah! Sports!

1:02:00

Another reason

1:02:02

I love sports like I needed one. Boban

1:02:04

Marginovich. Marginovich. Mm-hmm.

1:02:07

Intentionally misses free throws so San

1:02:10

Fran- San, Jesus Christ. So fans

1:02:12

win free chicken promotion. That was

1:02:14

cool. That was a cool moment. Yeah.

1:02:17

That was so funny. Yeah. Houston

1:02:19

Rocket Center. Boann- Boann Marjanovich. Boann Marjanovich.

1:02:22

Is that my- am

1:02:24

I saying it right? Boann? I don't know. Yeah,

1:02:27

maybe Boann. I'm not sure. Boann Marjanovich

1:02:29

sent fans into Los Angeles home

1:02:32

happy with- and with full stomachs.

1:02:34

Late into the fourth quarter of the Rocket

1:02:36

season finale against the Los Angeles Clippers, Marjanovich

1:02:38

went to the free throw line and proceeded

1:02:40

to miss the first of two shots. As

1:02:43

part of the Clippers promotion, if an opposing player

1:02:45

misses two free throws in a row, fans are

1:02:48

treated to free chicken. I

1:02:50

love it. Seemingly aware of what was

1:02:52

at stake, Marjanovich took it upon himself

1:02:54

to secure the fan base some chicken.

1:02:57

The seven foot four center pointed

1:02:59

to himself before attempting the second free

1:03:01

throw, which he clanked off the rim

1:03:03

for another miss. Dude, that's so good.

1:03:05

Watch the video. Yeah, I guess

1:03:08

like a free chalupa night. Yeah. The

1:03:10

fans are getting excited here. They're might potentially- I

1:03:13

got you. I got you. I got you. That

1:03:15

is an attractive man. He is like seven five,

1:03:17

seven six. I'm a crazy kid. He

1:03:19

looks like he would be perfect in the big

1:03:22

friendly giant. Yeah. The big

1:03:24

friendly giant. Yeah. You

1:03:26

want chicken? Here's your chalupa. I'm the head of

1:03:28

the people. Better than moon. That

1:03:32

would be fun to just get dunked on on the other

1:03:34

end. That's

1:03:41

fun. Oh, so he used to

1:03:43

play for the Clippers. Okay. And

1:03:46

so he knew their promotion. That's so funny. God,

1:03:48

what a guy. What a guy. And

1:03:50

what a silly promotion. To put it like 100% in the

1:03:52

hands. Well,

1:03:55

that encourages the crowd to get into

1:03:57

it. Yeah. I remember- I

1:04:00

have a friend, a good friend of mine. We

1:04:04

used to live in Spokane together. What's

1:04:07

up, Stevie? Beautiful. And we were, remember

1:04:09

going to a Spokane Chiefs game. It

1:04:11

just must've been like probably 15, 16 years ago now. And

1:04:16

there was something, I forget what it was, like what the goal

1:04:18

was, but it just kept

1:04:20

on making

1:04:22

the, trying to get the crowd to chant

1:04:24

Chalupa. Like it would

1:04:26

have like the, across the screen. And

1:04:29

everyone's just like, Chalupa! Well, they're

1:04:31

already there at the arena, directing

1:04:34

traffic, so they probably just sent another crew down to

1:04:36

Taco Bell. I guess hand them a helmet and just

1:04:38

like a shield. You're like, well you go

1:04:40

contain the Chalupa crowd. I

1:04:43

know. My wife, I told her, I

1:04:45

know. We didn't think

1:04:47

it would happen. No one thought tonight

1:04:49

would be Chalupa night. You

1:04:52

don't have to tell me. Listen, everyone's

1:04:54

gotta put in the time. I was trying to get out of here

1:04:56

earlier, you know. My wife is, I've just

1:04:58

been putting in so many hours, haven't seen my kids in three

1:05:00

weeks, like, you know, I hear ya. We

1:05:02

just never thought tonight would be Chalupa night. I'm

1:05:05

upset too. I'm upset too. I'm going, I'm heading

1:05:08

over there. Here, take a couple extra. You

1:05:10

know what, here's, give these to your

1:05:12

kids. Three, three Chalupa flowers. You

1:05:15

get your Christmas bonus, you open it up, it's

1:05:17

the same Chalupa coupons from the game you

1:05:19

had to go work. I

1:05:22

guess don't expire for 14 years. Thanks

1:05:24

boss. Fucking sick. I

1:05:27

just had some laying around. I took so many

1:05:29

of these this night. When you, remember when I

1:05:31

made you go over there, I went back inside

1:05:33

and fucking put on a fake mustache and got

1:05:36

at least 30, 40 of these fucking Chalupas. Dude,

1:05:38

that is, that's one of the things that I

1:05:40

love so much about not being at a,

1:05:43

like having a workplace to go to.

1:05:46

All the stupid shit that the bosses try to

1:05:48

do to keep, to

1:05:51

keep the workers happy. Like

1:05:54

pizza day and all that. Like

1:05:57

everyone just wants more money. And

1:05:59

they're like, here's. Pizza day can I have

1:06:01

the money that you spent on a pizza, please? Yeah,

1:06:03

just like maybe walk around and like hand everybody at

1:06:06

20 or something and feel like thanks for your hard

1:06:08

work Man, yeah,

1:06:10

he's like, all right. Remember we're closing early. We got

1:06:12

a we got a big party planned and then you're

1:06:14

like All right, great and they get shut down the

1:06:17

McDonald's that you're in and then give you McDonald's food

1:06:19

Mm-hmm. You're like what the fuck is what? It's

1:06:22

the last thing I want You're a

1:06:24

good job. Get us Burger King Kind of

1:06:26

a bitch you cheap bastard, you

1:06:28

know an inflamed broiled a shit. It's gonna

1:06:30

is the write-off. You don't care Just

1:06:33

enjoy your fucking big man. I

1:06:36

said this before in the show I'm pretty sure

1:06:38

but there's a Ben and Jerry's at the mall

1:06:40

downtown and we would you

1:06:42

know Go to watch a movie and it's it's

1:06:45

there's a free ice cream day. Mm-hmm and the

1:06:47

line I shit you not wraps

1:06:49

around the mall People

1:06:52

are waiting in line for a free ice cream cone

1:06:54

that costs like two or three bucks and I get

1:06:56

like I'm saying

1:06:58

this There's people that know fuck that

1:07:00

like what's the experience waiting in

1:07:02

line for two hours for something that costs you

1:07:04

three bucks Like I know people don't have a

1:07:07

lot of money. Mm-hmm. And so you want free

1:07:09

stuff, but like that's not I'm

1:07:11

sorry. They're not your time is more

1:07:13

way more important. Yeah, go get something

1:07:15

done You can get you can get

1:07:17

a cheaper ice cream cone down

1:07:19

the street at McDonald's Or something like if you

1:07:22

really need it. Oh, it's a

1:07:24

couple. I just I don't get it Yeah, maybe

1:07:26

I'm missing something but I don't get it and

1:07:28

the standing in line as part of the experience

1:07:32

that dude Ain't there

1:07:34

no Indiana Jones right? I screams will never

1:07:36

get in like the Free

1:07:38

asking go never never gonna

1:07:41

get Hey,

1:07:44

I saw a video not too long ago Look

1:07:47

like a hammered Chad Kroger and someone's like hey

1:07:49

sing something. He's like fuck you They're

1:07:53

like no, come on and he's like what you're

1:07:55

seeing rockstar and he's like saying one line is

1:07:57

like, all right Like

1:08:00

that's good It's why you're making

1:08:02

him sing. It's like in a bar with people. So I'm

1:08:04

like sing something. He's like fuck you What

1:08:07

do you want to say? You want to sing an

1:08:09

ice cream song? But I don't remember There

1:08:12

was standing in lines ice cream. I'll

1:08:14

never gonna eat Yeah

1:08:18

free promotion You

1:08:21

just Pants

1:08:24

feet Hey ice

1:08:26

cream Hey,

1:08:29

hey Just head

1:08:31

down to another place where I know

1:08:33

there ain't a line to stuff my

1:08:35

face Yeah, what

1:08:38

the fuck is everybody waiting for?

1:08:41

Tell them They're

1:08:44

gonna get a free ice cream. They're not

1:08:46

very big It's

1:08:48

just a sample size so they can make

1:08:50

you come back Is it nice? Don't

1:08:54

get sprinkles cuz that's an extra Dollar

1:08:58

to kill them. Oh my god Hey

1:09:04

Hey, I'm gonna get on my dream Wait,

1:09:07

no, dude. Liz now. Yeah

1:09:09

nice I'm good No,

1:09:14

well, that's good But I'm glad tonight it's

1:09:17

a nice big way because we have a fucking song

1:09:19

I want to show you coming up because we all just

1:09:26

Free ice cream cones By

1:09:29

standing in line feeling all

1:09:31

low When I can

1:09:33

walk right to the front down at

1:09:35

Mickey D What

1:09:38

you gonna get But

1:09:42

fucking broken now Walking back

1:09:48

With my free token now and why

1:09:50

are they always broken? I fucking hate

1:09:52

this place tell them how it's Place

1:09:57

the fix is the machine so

1:09:59

everyone I want a breakdown because

1:10:01

then they can have a pay their own

1:10:03

company to fix the machines It's

1:10:07

all one big monopoly big big. It's

1:10:09

big ice cream and big Burger

1:10:12

and big rubber big rubber big

1:10:14

burger big water Like

1:10:16

the super size big potato. I'm precise that meal.

1:10:18

Yeah, I'll pray to a big rubber. Yeah, brother

1:10:21

big rubber All right, this next one. I'm

1:10:23

excited The

1:10:26

Internet is pretty wild Depending on

1:10:28

your browsing habits. You can either

1:10:30

experience something super cool or go

1:10:32

to prison crazy, right? Let's

1:10:35

check it out together as

1:10:38

a couple. Hey look what I

1:10:40

found Together

1:10:44

as a couple so Our

1:10:47

son Darren sent this in

1:10:49

I mean, there's nothing going on with the the

1:10:51

video side of it. It's just the audio and

1:10:54

I Probably

1:10:58

Immediately when I saw the email I got it the fuck out of there

1:11:00

so you wouldn't see it I just want to make

1:11:02

sure that I was taken care of to surprise you In

1:11:05

this particular guy. Yeah, the

1:11:07

way of scurrest vinyl Yeah,

1:11:10

some amazing songs. There's some good ones But

1:11:14

I got this one put it in I listened to

1:11:16

it probably like 15 times just laughing so hard and

1:11:19

just sent it to So many people I

1:11:21

think it did It made its way to Miles Kennedy to

1:11:24

see you guys know the lead singer of altar bridge for

1:11:27

the ones that don't know He lives here. Yeah, so

1:11:29

I sent it off to the GA who I used

1:11:31

to work at in radio And he sent it off

1:11:34

to people and then Mike Miles wrote back. He's like,

1:11:36

this is fucking amazing Like

1:11:38

it's just it's just one of those songs and

1:11:40

you might not think it's funny But just really

1:11:42

think about it. It's really good really

1:11:44

give it a chance when did it come out? I

1:11:47

don't know not long again was a little bit ago, but

1:11:49

it already it's racking up views But I'm

1:11:51

hoping that this and has not found its way to to

1:11:54

your ears out there if you guys are listening Are you guys

1:11:56

ready? Mm-hmm. Okay, here we go I'll

1:12:01

give you a

1:12:03

kiss for the poor I have

1:12:05

since I've been talkin' this much And

1:12:07

I'm rubbin' them again You and hell, I

1:12:09

don't give a shit I'm

1:12:12

just a rubbin' in a-talkin' I fucking didn't

1:12:14

say anything Oh, Brody,

1:12:16

ooh, my fuckin' nips are

1:12:18

being killed I don't give

1:12:21

a shit I'm just

1:12:23

a rubbin' in a-talkin' I fucking is And

1:12:26

I said, you need a flop, where you

1:12:28

can kiss those nips too high

1:12:30

And, uh, you can eat a

1:12:32

cop And tell you I'm a

1:12:35

cunt on and everywhere And I...

1:12:40

Just International What

1:12:44

is it like, dude? I'm raw,

1:12:47

man. Areetin' analysed. Bruh

1:12:53

... You

1:12:55

know you can't think see such a Curtis story

1:12:57

You're some fuckin' whore I

1:12:59

cannot lie We're chuggin'

1:13:01

all these things Till I fuckin' die And

1:13:04

you and Elle I don't feel my

1:13:06

shit I'm just a runnin' ever Tuggin'

1:13:08

my fuckin' shit What?

1:13:10

Look at me! Shakin' Tuggin'

1:13:13

runnin' Boozy to bleed in my

1:13:15

neck I'm seein' no laws Woo!

1:13:17

Pretty fuckin' steak I'm just a

1:13:19

runnin' ever Tuggin' my fuckin' death

1:13:21

I'm just a runnin' ever Pretty

1:13:24

fuckin' ... I'm

1:13:38

a runnin' and tuggin' Tuggin'

1:13:42

runnin' Bruzy

1:13:44

to bleed in my neck

1:13:46

I'm seein' no laws I'm

1:13:52

a runnin' ever I'm a runnin' ever Quick,

1:13:57

make that fuckin' steak.

1:14:06

Ah, I'm see Snow so that's new by

1:14:08

man Made to sound old? Yes yes. and

1:14:10

he has. He has some really good ones

1:14:12

yet wonderful bit of another one. As

1:14:15

the same type of sift through to spoil just

1:14:17

doing what he has his own except like I

1:14:19

know you can't. They. Actively take

1:14:21

my medicine department store next door

1:14:23

to buffet since gives i miss

1:14:26

the. System

1:14:30

so Sony do. That

1:14:33

especially as it.sasaki Tell your

1:14:36

wife that amp. Or

1:14:40

a separate. See

1:14:43

you in Hell. I don't give a sense.

1:14:46

So these this I'm.

1:14:49

Sale. To some Syria or these.

1:14:52

All. Like that? The channel Yeah, my least

1:14:54

the ones that I found the spirit here to

1:14:56

listen to. This This is another twenty one. Of.

1:15:17

Say. The same I.

1:15:39

Know how to. Open.

1:16:05

Number. One

1:16:07

shame too slow for the most would you

1:16:09

say there's i didn't the hotter which isn't

1:16:11

in the house of put it out whenever

1:16:13

them with and I'm a will move off

1:16:16

to get some emails and yes. Sir

1:16:20

Nests,

1:16:22

It's

1:16:25

it's.

1:16:33

It's. It's.

1:16:41

Of you know it's it's as

1:16:43

Funny Village is the it says

1:16:45

that that old sound me as

1:16:47

Funny Daves. It would have been

1:16:49

a hit back the day of

1:16:52

Hispanic Tracker for now. Ah I'm

1:16:54

sorry such. As

1:16:56

this. Is called. I'd really like to get

1:16:58

in your pants because I just sit minds. Of

1:17:04

the in my together in your

1:17:06

state all of us as. Says

1:17:12

Stop All Of

1:17:14

This. Since

1:17:17

I was. Scared.

1:17:25

To death isn't all. That

1:17:29

sense. Of.

1:17:32

I prefer first. Yeah Nah

1:17:34

man. obscure obscure is Diane.

1:17:36

it's been fun. To

1:17:39

play that one part for you, get on the other ones. That

1:17:41

was a good. Dogs are boring and will

1:17:43

be rubbed my live to then I do

1:17:46

some good ones A only to find. Plenty

1:17:50

of it's not loaded trick with other you put

1:17:52

a ring and. six

1:18:02

Okay, let me go get okay.

1:18:04

Here we go He

1:18:32

could sing some metal I bet you

1:18:44

That is so funny That's all I can

1:18:46

see you in hell That don't give a

1:18:48

shit Hey! Talkin'

1:18:50

about fuckin' this! Woo! Woo! Fuckin'

1:18:54

stinks! Just

1:18:56

picture him doing it Oh

1:18:59

my god There needs to be a music video for that

1:19:01

for sure Anyway, Darren, fuck yeah,

1:19:03

thank you so much for sending that

1:19:05

in Good fun, god damn dude Telling

1:19:08

my fuckin' nip You sent it in

1:19:10

some fuckin' huge rock stars have now heard it so that's

1:19:12

because of you Alright, let's hear it from the kids ZAKE!

1:19:19

Alright, let's hear what you guys think

1:19:21

Really? You wanna talk to me? Wow,

1:19:23

that's cool I

1:19:25

mean, between pants feet, parked

1:19:28

up by the lake What

1:19:30

are the other ones that we were... Oh yeah, we were sex

1:19:32

on me Rubbin'

1:19:35

and talkin' my nips We

1:19:37

had a big four right there The king

1:19:39

you don't... The whole

1:19:41

nation, so we could make an infomercial You

1:19:43

could forget this classic Woo! I don't give

1:19:46

a shit Rubbin' my fuckin'

1:19:48

nips Woo! Fuckin' stinks!

1:19:53

Or how about this timely classic? WW.comin'

1:19:55

all over me I'll

1:19:57

bring you way back To

1:20:00

a time we all remember take you back to it

1:20:02

simpler time simpler time Good

1:20:06

stuff. All right. You want to read the first one? Yeah,

1:20:09

you better take the first one or a second one.

1:20:12

All right, can uh So this is

1:20:14

continuing more thoughts about the men versus

1:20:16

women pain Betty be Betty be Betty

1:20:18

Booh For

1:20:20

a few weeks ago man. We've gotten so many

1:20:23

about this topic. I know it's off Yeah, or

1:20:25

just share their opinion. I'm a people are mad

1:20:27

but This one might do

1:20:29

it go ahead Do it any

1:20:31

rights men can take shock pain and aching

1:20:33

pain and get the job done because the

1:20:36

drive is to complete the job It's like

1:20:38

coming into where you want it. Yeah Okay,

1:20:41

I guess I'll fucking come in

1:20:43

the microwave the job job game

1:20:45

or project yet they yet they

1:20:47

complain about it Yeah, that's

1:20:49

where women then think men can't handle the

1:20:51

pain yet women don't really complain

1:20:53

about the childbirth pain So that's probably the

1:20:55

thought process women get the

1:20:58

recognition of being super heroes superheroes just

1:21:00

for being mothers. Well I

1:21:09

read that line. I was like You

1:21:14

never read something or you're like us guys

1:21:16

making a oh shit. Oh, no Oh Okay,

1:21:22

let's see if I can get through Oh Just

1:21:43

for being mothers while men only really

1:21:45

get appreciated or taken care of

1:21:47

when hurt However broken down

1:21:49

in the small scale of an injury Women

1:21:52

stop and give up with a cut or

1:21:54

a broken finger while I played soccer for

1:21:57

three weeks after I tore my ACL and

1:22:00

I just got right at my shoulder this year, but

1:22:02

my wife bangs her knee on a chair or

1:22:04

bed frame. She is shut down for the day. I

1:22:07

don't know. I'm probably wrong. Eddie. I

1:22:12

don't know. I mean, you tell me I just got

1:22:14

here. I don't know. I'm probably wrong. No,

1:22:16

no. I just got here. Eddie. It

1:22:20

just goes back to the same thing we've been talking about.

1:22:22

Like, it's just everybody is different. Like,

1:22:24

some men fucking shut down or overdumb fucking

1:22:26

shit. I've seen it. Some women shut down

1:22:29

overdumb shit. Some women play through crazy fucking

1:22:31

injuries. Some men play through crazy injuries. It

1:22:34

just varies. There's so much on the

1:22:36

scale. For God damn Eddie. I can

1:22:39

give a perfect example. We

1:22:41

should give out Eddie's email so we don't have to field the

1:22:43

emails. So, like, if I start a

1:22:45

project, like, I remember cutting down my grandma's tree with

1:22:47

just a hand saw one time. So you could fuck

1:22:49

the birdhouse? Yeah. Hey,

1:22:52

grandma. We should put my... We should put

1:22:54

my... Put the birdhouse. Do you have

1:22:56

a ladder? No. Do you have a saw?

1:22:58

Alright. Just fucking have a raging boner and

1:23:00

a fucking chainsaw. Just... No,

1:23:04

I didn't... I didn't even have a chainsaw. Oh,

1:23:06

a chainsaw. I had

1:23:08

to... I cut this fucker down. Nobody comes to me.

1:23:10

But I was in... I was... My grandma

1:23:12

was like, You want me to go get you? I was like,

1:23:14

no, I got it. Because I was like, I started this thing

1:23:16

with a hand saw. I'm going to finish this fucking thing with

1:23:18

a hand saw. I

1:23:20

didn't want the satisfaction of, you

1:23:23

know, it being the saw. I got this tool

1:23:25

that'll make this way easier. No, I started with a bad idea. It's

1:23:28

right. I'm going to finish this back. I

1:23:33

fucked up when I got going on this project, and I'm

1:23:35

going to keep fucking it up. Isn't that a guy thing?

1:23:37

I mean, it's such a fucking... But,

1:23:39

so, in the opposite... No, this is fine. My

1:23:41

wife, like, same thing. Like, she... Like, we said

1:23:43

this in that episode. I don't need to repeat

1:23:45

it, but, like, she just

1:23:48

does things because they need

1:23:50

to get done, not for recognition. And I

1:23:52

think women do... They're just... Women are... They just

1:23:54

do that more. And I think guys, like, guys

1:23:56

work hard. You go out, you work on an

1:23:58

oil rig, and you... Make it make

1:24:00

the money to feed your family and I think that

1:24:03

that's the thing like I'm working my ass off To

1:24:05

make this money to provide for my family and my wife's

1:24:07

getting all the credit for but she's

1:24:09

just at home Which like

1:24:12

having babies? Yeah, like a fucking pussy. So

1:24:14

it's the other it's that that other side

1:24:16

of it Like I'm doing all this and

1:24:18

what is she doing just watching TV? but

1:24:21

would that could that guy do the All

1:24:24

the shit that she does probably not just

1:24:26

like she Probably if she's doing

1:24:28

that she probably couldn't do the fucking oil

1:24:30

rig job. Yeah, so just

1:24:32

be Set or content that

1:24:34

you're doing that and she's doing that and be

1:24:37

fine with it. Yeah, don't compare each other I

1:24:40

hear you. All right. Well, I can't wait.

1:24:42

That's all I can say to you Eddie

1:24:44

can't wait for the emails I and now

1:24:46

we wrap up today's show with this Danny

1:24:48

of an email coming in from our son

1:24:50

Eugene He writes hello dads and uncle Zach.

1:24:53

Hey Eugene. He didn't say commie uncle Zach

1:24:55

Yeah, right. I will be sending in an

1:24:57

art thing. I made tomorrow Just

1:25:03

lead to that hey guys, I'll be sending something tomorrow anyway

1:25:07

It's only taking me since last October So

1:25:09

now I'll be sending it due to my

1:25:11

busy schedule adding another image image to the

1:25:13

backside I am just now getting

1:25:15

to be able to send it. Okay got it

1:25:18

now on to why I'm sending this messages

1:25:20

It has April Fools in the subject line

1:25:22

Monday was totally fun and totally not filled

1:25:25

with any pranks Unfortunately talking about April Fools

1:25:28

It was a normal day and I drive to

1:25:30

work where I work as a

1:25:32

substance abuse counselor Our secretary was

1:25:34

out and the other counselor in the office was working at a

1:25:36

different site for the day I had taken

1:25:38

a few phone calls where two of my morning

1:25:40

clients had to reschedule for life reasons Nothing

1:25:43

out of the ordinary and anytime a client doesn't

1:25:45

show just means I have more time to get

1:25:47

slash keep Caught up in

1:25:50

the paperwork get slash keep caught up with people

1:25:53

That's what it says. Want me to read this show. That's Go

1:25:57

ahead. What did it say read the last line of that

1:25:59

paragraph? Okay, anytime a client

1:26:01

doesn't show just means I have more time

1:26:03

to get slash keep caught up in the

1:26:05

paperwork Anyway,

1:26:08

I'm gonna keep going it was about 930

1:26:10

when the coffee kicked and my tummy told

1:26:12

me it was time to evacuate Mmm,

1:26:15

I love the fact of you being like

1:26:17

you want me to take this one so

1:26:19

fun. No, I'm in reading it That's exactly

1:26:21

what it says. Yeah, the client doesn't show

1:26:23

just means I have more time to get

1:26:25

slash keep caught up in the paperwork Yeah

1:26:29

Anyway, I'm gonna keep going it was about

1:26:31

930 when the coffee kicked and my tummy

1:26:33

told me it was time to evacuate Mmm,

1:26:35

I love the fact of you. You're like you

1:26:38

want me to take this one so fun. No,

1:26:40

I'm in reading it That's exactly what it says.

1:26:42

Yeah 930

1:26:46

coffee kicked in my tummy told me to give them it I

1:26:48

grab my coffee keys to our my office

1:26:50

You still lock up my coffee keys to

1:26:52

add to the fucking where's my fucking where's

1:26:54

my office drink go? Lock

1:26:56

up our office since we share space with a legal aid

1:26:59

office on the same floor I walk to

1:27:01

the bathroom and get about one

1:27:03

step in when I realize someone is in

1:27:05

the only stall in the spore As

1:27:08

I'm backing out to close the door. I hear a

1:27:10

voice say wait I've been

1:27:12

waiting for someone to come in. I have an emergency.

1:27:14

No It

1:27:16

was at this point that the smell hit

1:27:18

me and I no longer felt the need to use

1:27:21

the bathroom I then noticed the

1:27:23

wheelchair sitting outside the stall The

1:27:25

voice told me they rushed out of

1:27:27

the legal aid office because nature was

1:27:30

viciously calling them He

1:27:32

only has one leg and he

1:27:34

didn't see the step up into the stall which

1:27:36

caused him to exert Little a little more energy

1:27:38

which led him to shitting his pants and

1:27:41

a mess all around and on the toilet God

1:27:44

He asked if I have an extra set of pants or

1:27:47

something to help and he just says

1:27:49

like with so much confidence He goes I don't carry any

1:27:51

extra Extra pants normally. That's

1:27:53

why I told him I Wish

1:27:56

I could help I guess don't normally carry around pants

1:28:00

I then said I would check at the mini mart

1:28:02

on the same block. I leave, I ask the clerk

1:28:04

at the store if they sell pants, which they don't.

1:28:08

Walking in there and you're like, like

1:28:12

the little bell on the door. You have a jean? Just

1:28:14

ding, ding, ding, ding. You just walk up there like, I know

1:28:16

the answer already, but you guys sell pants? No? All

1:28:19

right, bye. Now that we have these cool hats,

1:28:21

you're like, why? You have T-shirts, we've got a

1:28:24

T-shirt with flames on them and blue

1:28:26

lightning bolts. No, not only pants, we

1:28:28

do have this America flag hat. And

1:28:30

this is NASCAR. No things are hot.

1:28:32

People keep buying the NASCAR hats. You're like, no, I need

1:28:35

pants, Paul. Bandana

1:28:37

with flames on it. That's all we got.

1:28:41

Which, I mean, it looks sick at a nighttime

1:28:43

bowling league. I am back

1:28:45

at the bathroom in less than four minutes

1:28:47

letting him know that there's no pants. Sorry,

1:28:49

no pants. But

1:28:51

I got you some cheese sticks. I ask if

1:28:53

there is anyone I could call for him that

1:28:55

could come and help. He denies having anyone willing.

1:28:58

His plan at this point was to clean up and remove

1:29:00

the pants. He was going to use his

1:29:02

coat to cover up, and he was going to use the

1:29:04

sink to rinse his pants out. It

1:29:06

wasn't ideal, but it was the best case

1:29:09

given our lack of utility closet or cleaning

1:29:11

supplies. I leave that, leave him to it.

1:29:14

You got it? All right, bye. Even

1:29:17

though I might be a bit

1:29:19

of a dick for leaving him there, but I also

1:29:21

think he has gotten himself this far on his own.

1:29:23

You can handle it from here. You got yourself in

1:29:25

it? Listen, my grandma wants to ask

1:29:27

if I wanted the chainsaw when I was cutting down a tree

1:29:29

with a handsaw. And I said, no. And

1:29:32

I think that's kind of what you're doing. That applies to you.

1:29:34

You shit your own pants. You can unshit your

1:29:37

pants. Well, some people might get offended if you

1:29:39

offer to help them. Yeah, that's true. I go

1:29:41

back to my office and call the maintenance office

1:29:43

to let them know the situation. I go back

1:29:45

to doing my notes and trying to unsee that

1:29:47

crime scene. This was all said and

1:29:49

done by about 10 a.m. I hear

1:29:51

a knock at our main door at 1130. There

1:29:54

was the guy in the wheelchair with one leg and no pants. He

1:29:57

again asked if I had any pants. I

1:30:02

know it's been that while I was wondering if you

1:30:04

came into some pants It was clearly didn't recognize my

1:30:06

voice and that it was actually me that was trying

1:30:08

to help him earlier He's like

1:30:10

just going around. I mean this is not crazy I just

1:30:13

I didn't I guess guy was trying to help it and

1:30:15

trust him I just went down to the mini mart and

1:30:17

asked me on your pants. They didn't do you have any

1:30:19

pants? Told me I

1:30:21

didn't have anybody did have a blanket in my car I

1:30:23

grabbed my keys locked the door and we ride the elevator

1:30:25

down to the street He told me he started

1:30:28

washing his pants out in the sink and he fell asleep

1:30:30

for about an hour before he knocked on my door This

1:30:37

guy is like fucking trying to solve a

1:30:39

riddle Fuck

1:30:44

dude, I gave him the blanket.

1:30:46

I had my truck and wished him

1:30:48

luck on his day. I don't know where

1:30:50

he went now And that was a

1:30:52

week later What sticks with me is why

1:30:54

did he need to tell me you fell asleep while

1:30:56

washing his pants out and also how do you fall

1:30:59

asleep? in that kind of

1:31:01

emergency I'm a substance abuse

1:31:03

counselor. So I have my thoughts about it That's all

1:31:05

you say but this is the random thought

1:31:07

that keeps coming back to me in these quiet moments

1:31:10

on a side note I go home to my daughter being

1:31:12

pissed off because one of the boys shit and used a

1:31:14

bunch of toilet paper and failed to flush Then

1:31:16

none of the boys wanted to fess up which

1:31:19

led to a shit filled toilet for a few

1:31:21

hours Until I intervened by saying it gets fixed

1:31:23

or they will all band together and deep clean

1:31:25

the whole It's just the top

1:31:28

they will deep clean to hold their whole bathroom. That's

1:31:31

what it said. I'm not sure It was

1:31:33

anonymously flush five minutes later kids, right?

1:31:35

Well Mondays your son Eugene, but

1:31:37

that That

1:31:40

would haunt me like imagine like

1:31:42

two years from now you're just at a

1:31:44

restaurant and so I really good Do you

1:31:46

have any pants? You're like, where

1:31:48

have you been? I

1:31:51

have so many questions. You

1:31:54

can't do that to me Uh,

1:32:01

he's a waiter. He rolls over. He has like,

1:32:03

you don't like notice who it is at first.

1:32:05

And he's like, all right, we're our special tonight

1:32:07

at Bob blonde. He goes, you sound crazy. Do

1:32:09

you have any pants? And you look up and

1:32:11

you're just like, where

1:32:14

have you been? Where

1:32:16

have you been? Oh,

1:32:19

anyway, wild stuff. Eugene. I

1:32:21

love it. All right. Well that's

1:32:23

episode 97. We keep going. There's

1:32:25

bonus content every single week and you can

1:32:27

access it. If you support us on patreon,

1:32:30

just pick whatever tier is right for you.

1:32:33

patreon.com/can you don't

1:32:35

podcast? Instagram,

1:32:40

Facebook, got the YouTube version. Just

1:32:42

find it on YouTube. You

1:32:44

want to see something on the show. The email to send

1:32:46

it in is Hey guys, can you

1:32:48

don't podcast.com? Great. And review us and check

1:32:50

out uncle Zach's shit at

1:32:53

scat cast.com. That is scat with

1:32:55

a K makes the babysitters

1:32:57

that moderate and run the candy don't playground on

1:33:01

the Facebook. All right. Joke

1:33:04

that wrap

1:33:08

it up already. Like

1:33:14

where's that guy right now? I don't know.

1:33:17

What is he doing? I

1:33:19

hope he's surrounded by just a pile of pants.

1:33:22

He has more pants than he knows what to

1:33:24

do. Yeah. Just an abundance. Abundance of all different

1:33:26

types of pants. I

1:33:29

always thought about that with cargo pants. Like how cool

1:33:31

to be just put more cargo pants in

1:33:33

the pocket of your cargo pants. Yeah.

1:33:36

Maybe that's what that guy should be doing. More

1:33:39

pants. Or like throw the backpack over the bag

1:33:41

and just have an extra pair in there. Yeah.

1:33:45

I'm not sure what he's doing. Well, he could just cut

1:33:47

one of the legs off and oh yeah, he could just

1:33:49

fucking get so many pants. If you're going to use half

1:33:51

the pants, you have to use one pant.

1:33:53

Are you ready for the joke? Ready?

1:33:56

Okay. Imagine if a female

1:33:58

pirate had to get a replacement. That

1:34:01

would suck, wouldn't it? Get it? Wouldn't

1:34:04

it? Wouldn't it?

1:34:08

Ah, feels like a bag of sand. What

1:34:10

was that 40 year old version? 40

1:34:12

year old version. Oh, I

1:34:15

squeeze it. I feel like a

1:34:17

bag of sand. What? You ever

1:34:19

touched a... What was

1:34:21

that one post? Some guy was... I guess like a famous Reddit post,

1:34:23

dude. It's so good. But

1:34:26

he's asking for advice on how to... Like

1:34:29

finger a girl. The only

1:34:31

thing I know about it is that it's just like feeding a

1:34:33

horse. It's like any... It's

1:34:36

like... Like

1:34:39

I know it's like feeding a horse but... It's

1:34:42

like feeding a horse. Just

1:34:48

picking out a horse mouth. That

1:34:50

was down there. Oh

1:34:52

my god. Dums and teeth.

1:34:54

Here you go. You

1:34:58

gotta make sure you're handling it. Of course I

1:35:00

know it's like feeding a horse with any other advice. Any

1:35:04

other details would really help me out.

1:35:06

I'm gonna pinch. Okay, that's

1:35:08

it. Bonus stuff coming up.

1:35:12

Yeah, alright. Oh,

1:35:14

that's my name. Thanks

1:35:28

for watching.