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information going to get me to you to

1:00

be about going to molest Consumer Access dot

1:02

Org. Large

1:05

Python, baby jumping, bagel,

1:08

good acid. You.

1:26

God, you look good today. So do you. Thanks, man.

1:29

It's like looking in mirror. Yeah. People thought that anyway,

1:31

but now it's super. Now it's super. We're

1:35

going to have these matching

1:37

Hawaiian like golf sweaters.

1:40

You're wearing Cassie's. I am. And

1:43

we're not having boobs for it, but it's a, but it's there.

1:45

You're doing it. Oh yeah. What

1:48

you gotta go? Okay. So we have to,

1:50

we have to play this. All of us, we're losing our

1:52

shit and then we are just going to move on like

1:54

we didn't just do what we just did. And we decided

1:56

we have to bring it, bring it into the

1:58

show. We hope we hope you guys like this. Okay

2:02

Oh Oh

2:28

Now I feel like we can officially

2:30

move on Yeah, that's not you. Oh,

2:32

it's been episode 93. Thank you guys

2:34

for being back. Oh, yeah. I got

2:36

one We have one field we have

2:38

like a game today Hawaiian

2:41

golf shirts on in oh,

2:43

I'm not sure how to feel like friendly but also a

2:45

little scared Yeah, it's like if you cut in front of

2:48

me on the course, you're gonna be held a pay but

2:50

until then fucking Mahalo I think we

2:52

play through excuse me You

2:57

tell me get your nine iron. I don't know you tell me

2:59

you tell me he's playing through what I'm about to play through

3:01

Your fucking job. You ask me one more time Thank

3:05

you to everyone who supports us on patreon

3:07

get the bonus content exclusive merch Early

3:10

access to merch questions We answer your

3:12

questions on the back end of

3:14

the bonus stuff So you can find a link in

3:16

the episode description or head over to patreon.com/candy don't podcast

3:19

Send stuff in hey guys a candy

3:22

don't podcast comm that includes all

3:24

the segments petty beef Just

3:27

some dick some you know, you

3:29

got confessions You got just weird

3:31

shit happy shit jokes, whatever good stuff you

3:34

find on the internet That's the email address

3:36

you send it in and speaking of that.

3:38

We have not had Although

3:40

I can't I don't ever stop thinking about

3:42

it, but we just haven't talked about hot air balloons

3:44

on the show for a bit Well, it's

3:46

funny that I this was in the show because

3:48

last night I was

3:50

watching kids are watching YouTube videos and

3:53

they were it was like mr. Beast and he had

3:55

a an air balloon thing on there. Mm-hmm. Oh, no,

3:57

no, it was bark Rover. He's like the air balloon

3:59

game And I was like, oh weird. Oh

4:01

weird. Who's gonna die? In air balloon crash

4:03

to the ground you turn it off You're

4:06

like surprised. This is for 18. Plus this

4:08

should be mature audiences only someone is going

4:10

to die Yeah, but we had a couple

4:12

articles sent in sent for this

4:15

first one sent in by our son Matthew I

4:18

mean, it's sad, but you're not gonna be

4:20

surprised Can you imagine being in this but

4:22

man falls to death from hot air balloon

4:24

passengers traumatized? Yeah Yeah,

4:27

I'm not gonna get into it, but

4:30

they couldn't land obviously because

4:32

and it just kept floating miles

4:35

away So they watch this dude

4:37

fall out of the hot air balloon to his

4:39

death like just in a neighborhood And

4:42

they just float a couple miles away Yesterday

4:46

I saw a guy. Can't do

4:48

anything about it. Like

4:50

how quiet like, you know That

4:53

Like something happens at the dinner table, right? She's

4:55

like, you know husband wife like

4:57

snapping each other I don't know. How about

5:00

you tell me about the bacon and like all

5:02

you hear for the rest of dinner is the

5:04

play over We're going yeah, and like some kid

5:06

has the the balls people like he

5:08

passed the greedy boat That's

5:11

all you hear Like I don't

5:13

know you ask your mom and then back to

5:15

that's all you hear until you hear a man

5:17

fall out of the sky Land on someone's right

5:20

fucking so that happened Cruiser then that happened that

5:22

for the miles you drift away. What's everyone doing

5:24

in the wicker basket? Yeah, it'd be like I

5:26

was really crazy Fine

5:31

right probably fine right at a parachute right probably

5:33

trees that you could have landed in I mean

5:35

you guys give everyone parachutes, right? right obviously I

5:37

mean Seems like

5:40

a standard procedure in a hot air balloon. These

5:42

things are so crazy You've got to put a pair

5:44

of your thousand feet in the air you think yeah

5:46

You'd have a safety some sort of safety net. Yeah,

5:48

hey Zach. What were you gonna say? Yesterday

5:51

I saw two days ago. I saw somebody

5:53

in a hot air balloon go right into

5:55

power lines Yeah, and it blew up the

5:57

that one makes the rounds and it's old.

5:59

Yeah But thank God that they survived that

6:01

no way really say yeah I thought you're gonna

6:03

say thank God someone filmed it that way we

6:05

were able to watch it over and over again

6:08

Because it makes the rounds it feels like at least like I don't

6:10

know like every month month and a half It

6:13

go it disappears and then our air Instagram

6:15

you open it up and there it's like

6:17

oh, you know 60 new messages

6:19

and 59 of them were that mm-hmm So

6:23

you get to watch it over, but you get it's

6:25

a zap Yeah in that video if you see that

6:27

you know what we're talking about. It's crazy that when

6:29

a balloon accident happens I think of you

6:31

two. Yeah, that's a good marketing guys. Thank you,

6:34

right? We're doing our best So I you went

6:36

a different direction that I thought you were going

6:38

with it when you said That

6:40

it was so silent when people are like hello

6:43

some huh I was thinking about the family cuz

6:45

he landed in a residential area or sit down

6:47

below I was thinking the people eating dinner. They're

6:49

in an argument and then it's silent and all

6:51

sudden I Alarm

6:56

goes off Dude fell on

6:58

a PT Cruiser. Yeah the dad. He's like well.

7:00

He looks at the blinds like God not

7:03

what I needed today Another

7:05

fucking hot air balloon. I just washed my car.

7:07

God you better the day I've had Last

7:10

thing I need is a dead body in my fucking yard It's

7:14

the just cartoon is cartoonish.

7:17

Yeah layout like this Yeah

7:20

Wow Anyway sad but

7:22

that leads me to this next article.

7:24

This was sent in by our son

7:26

Kyle hmm What

7:28

do you think about that fucking Kyle uber

7:30

introduces hot air balloon rides in Turkey? Oh

7:32

come on Users

7:37

can now use the app to take a

7:40

Cappadocia yeah sure Sunrise

7:43

balloon right off their bucket list that is not

7:45

on my bucket list no That's what's safe to

7:47

say that's a good pun though never gonna make

7:49

my bucket list hot air balloon and bucket I

7:51

like I like what they did their list maybe

7:53

a basket list check it off your basket And

7:56

then burn the list, but no they're experiencing or

7:58

their Experimenting with it where

8:01

you can open it up and book a

8:03

fucking hot air balloon For

8:07

your destination We should

8:09

be going the opposite direction doing less of

8:12

this, but how funny? Imagining

8:15

you are you are hammered right

8:18

ride share it Like

8:21

it's a Christmas party or something right and you're like,

8:23

you know, you need a ride like no, it should

8:25

be outside You need to get out the

8:27

open the door You

8:32

Brian And

8:36

you're checking around you're making sure it's the

8:38

right hot air We're right right before you

8:40

get in it says and the thing it

8:42

says red hot air balloon multi-colored on air

8:44

balloon Oh spongebob spongebob square putt square pants

8:46

on air balloon. You could be with with

8:49

Scooby-Doo The

8:51

giant fucking spongebob

8:55

You ever had a river where they're like the

8:57

guy someone cancels and the guys like well,

8:59

I'm here Do you need a ride and that

9:01

doesn't happen like oh your spongebob?

9:03

He's like, yeah, but I got a cancellation you

9:06

want to go like nah, I got Clifford on

9:08

the way Clifford's coming Yeah, yeah, the

9:10

Clippers are gonna be here for you He's

9:14

inbound Clifford looks like he's about

9:16

20 knots Are

9:20

I'm not gonna be riding in that Imagine

9:25

them running into like a line of they're

9:27

trying to stay in their area Cuz but

9:29

you don't know where they're gonna go fucking

9:31

Valley parking No,

9:37

no, no, no I had the

9:40

spongebob This is clearly

9:42

Darth Vader the Explorer Don't

9:45

explore. Oh my god. That's

9:47

so you ever driven one of these things to the ballet

9:50

Like he's like yakis for it. He doesn't know you But

9:54

put it in valley mode where it doesn't go quite as fast. You

9:57

might want to park it on top of the parking garage Think

10:00

it's gonna fit inside just a big landing

10:03

pad for for hot air balloons But I

10:05

just the proximity marker of like where do

10:08

you need to go kind of? I

10:11

just need to get to the west side of town in the

10:13

square miles Yeah, we're there within five to

10:15

ten you pay more to have a more precise

10:18

five mile radius to home I could have used

10:20

a hot air balloon today. No getting over traffic.

10:22

I mean that's about the only time I think

10:24

I'd want to take a ride. Yeah, what a

10:26

higher balloon. We're flying car. Yeah You

10:29

know, that's not neither here. No, let's fire up

10:31

the show. Let's get rolling fired up. All right.

10:33

I haven't been so long just Maybe

10:45

we should make a full version of that

10:47

song we wrote. Yeah. Yeah full version with

10:49

Spotify just Speaking of which I guess

10:51

I have to say Sex

10:53

on me is on Spotify. Mmm

10:55

and is by far his number one played

10:57

song Mmm, let everyone know that you're doing

10:59

well people. Yeah. Thanks for the kids. Thanks

11:02

for checking that one out This was sent

11:04

in by our son Charles. Okay, tweaked it

11:06

a little But it

11:08

says would you rather be a

11:10

security guard at the world's most

11:12

violent dangerous cop hating prison for

11:15

one year? working

11:17

a standard nine to five every day and You

11:20

get ten million bucks at

11:22

the end of that one year. Okay, or Be

11:25

a prisoner in the world's most soft and

11:28

safe bitch boy prison for two years

11:32

But you only leave with 50k My

11:36

first thought here but you're getting pampered and you're

11:39

probably getting out alive which is pretty cool Well,

11:41

I guess my my thought is like I've never

11:43

been in prison Yeah,

11:46

but There

11:49

are already there are people that work at those Mm-hmm

11:52

prisons already and they're just making

11:54

their salary. Yeah, so they're making

11:56

it through. Yeah But

11:59

we're talking like the most they

12:02

hate you at any moment

12:04

they're going to try and kill you so in

12:06

the other way is like we were

12:08

like in care of but they might want to get

12:12

you get the freak on with you sure

12:14

I think like kind of bitch

12:16

boy I hear like yeah you're

12:18

making the rounds I hear you

12:20

I think it's like picturing

12:23

like a prison that someone in Hollywood with a

12:25

bunch of money would go to and they got

12:27

in trouble for like tax fraud yeah they're not

12:30

like a Burger King yeah yeah yeah they're

12:32

gonna take care of you like well I don't think

12:34

my pillows right and you have

12:37

to do you have to stay inside the same building

12:39

but it's not the same experiences whatever

12:42

terrible prison I don't even know

12:44

San Quentin is that a terrible prison that

12:47

if they even a thing yeah San Quinn's

12:49

pretty bad nice anyone was California ones but

12:51

like they just they want to kill you

12:54

I feel like I can make them laugh maybe I'm

12:56

just you try to be so funny they're like I

12:58

can't kill the joke machine well then now

13:00

but now you're all you you're always on me like

13:02

you get every time you walk in a make me

13:04

laugh I tell you the one about the Nazis did

13:08

you hear the one about the Nazis you try to change the light bulb trying

13:12

to relate with my fucking jokes you're the

13:14

one about the police officer that when

13:16

in yeah yeah he's like remember

13:18

you remember the one about the give

13:22

me the didn't kill the blue yeah remember

13:24

police officer is like he's really sorry that

13:26

he's sorry that his hands were

13:29

tied he couldn't get you the extra cigarettes that you really wanted

13:31

even though you said you're gonna kill him in his family when

13:33

you get out yeah I hear that one I'll tell you what

13:35

he I'll tell you when we get

13:37

out of here I gotta stay alive if

13:40

you ever want to hear the points when you don't fucking

13:42

kill me hmm that's really good punchline I'll tell you right

13:44

when we get out I'm the only one that knows this

13:46

joke though yeah you can't kill me and then take your

13:48

10 million and bill a Fort Knox so

13:51

that you never tell that admit

13:53

that punchline or you go in there just swinging

13:56

knock people around and be like all right look

13:58

at us I know we're

14:00

not doing anything you thought that you could take somebody

14:02

out the last time you had a prison I could

14:04

turn I could turn If

14:07

I if I had to turn and be

14:09

angry punchy I Could

14:11

do it to survive, but

14:13

that's definitely not who I am Like

14:17

I avoid confrontation at all

14:19

costs But if I had

14:21

to man, I know I

14:23

could say throw some punches That

14:25

sounds terrifying to me. I don't I don't think I'd want

14:28

to do the but I don't want to

14:30

be anywhere near a Maximum

14:32

only prison. Yeah, especially with

14:35

a target on your back It's just what's already one

14:37

thing to work there when you know the

14:40

shit that could go down. Mm-hmm Like I've never been there, but

14:42

I've seen the TV Documentaries and

14:44

stuff. I've seen what people do

14:46

so two years of I mean just

14:49

family gets to visit you Things are

14:51

pretty good and you just stay alive and

14:53

you get out with 50k conjugal visits

14:57

Yeah with Palomula Anderson Yeah,

15:03

I don't know it seems like it's just you

15:05

you have to do a cell thing But

15:07

it's not a prison like you're not scared of

15:10

dying Like you

15:12

get to the showers are fine Everyone's

15:14

supportive of like they they count your reps

15:16

in the yard Another

15:19

supportive like yeah, they support you they want the

15:21

best for you And then

15:23

the other one is they want you to die But

15:25

you get ten million dollars if you make it

15:28

through is that enough for therapy?

15:31

for the rest of your life If

15:33

you be scared of everyone, it kind

15:35

of sounds thrilling though, doesn't it? I don't know the idea of

15:38

how scary could it be? Well,

15:41

if they want to kill you, it's really scary. I guess

15:43

what job do I have it? I mean said security guard,

15:45

but yeah, there's a lot of different types of security guards

15:47

in a prison Do I get to stay on

15:49

a sniper tower? Yeah, I should all day

15:51

long do that for sure for 10 million Am

15:54

I the guy that's got to take the guy into

15:57

the showers? No, no, I'm not gonna make

15:59

it Am I the guy that tells someone no?

16:03

Yeah, don't don't do that.

16:05

You shouldn't do that. Oh, that's a bad idea. Give

16:07

me that shank Give me give me the

16:10

shank. I'll give it back to you when we're done Okay,

16:12

but only if you're good. What are you what's your sentence? 57

16:14

years? Okay I'll

16:17

hang on to it. I'll hang on to it

16:19

first when you get out. I'll put it under

16:22

a rock You come you come see me you

16:24

come see me. Actually don't come see me. I'll

16:26

come see you Mm-hmm. We'll have a meeting place

16:28

in 57 years. I'll be in for an act

16:30

and I'll leave it outside my private

16:33

gate I'll have someone bring it to you.

16:36

I'll have someone deliver it to you. Don't fucking find me,

16:38

please. I think I just have to Know

16:42

Zach. What do you think? Where you going? Can

16:44

you work in your life for 10 million? Yeah, probably.

16:46

Yeah Yeah, I mean you're huge sniper tower would be

16:48

a good good spot. I'd go for that now I

16:50

feel like we get to yeah, I feel like we

16:52

got a part of the gamble It's

16:55

part of the gamble. You don't know what you're good. They're

16:57

gonna make you do I feel like you're coming in as

16:59

a rookie Like they're gonna make you do the fucking shit.

17:02

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I feel like you got

17:04

to do the bitch like you got to be You're

17:07

in you're in the yard. Hmm, right?

17:10

Like I feel like you got to be in the yard to

17:12

make it worth ten million dollars I think they

17:14

would look at you and be like you're not going

17:16

to look at you Looking nerd.

17:18

Hey fucking dweeb. Well, I

17:22

You you're gonna go to the library Go

17:25

check out book shit happens in the

17:27

library though to rip out pages and

17:29

put shit happens when you shank some

17:31

there's it's happening Right. That's that's the

17:33

scary part. Yeah I mean the the

17:35

the libraries where people meet to talk

17:37

about their plans and change shanks Shaw

17:41

shank redemption shank exchange down

17:45

there at the library Yeah,

17:48

I think I'm taking it ten million is enough

17:50

for me To just have to

17:52

buckle in for a year and try

17:54

and pull it off to get out and be fine not

17:56

just like Me, but also you

17:58

do the right thing with 10 million you

18:01

set your you know you set your kids up and you have

18:03

generational wealth and Like things are

18:06

you put yourself in a pretty good spot with 10 million?

18:08

Oh, yeah, throw it in a dividend stock just staying

18:10

alive for two years and getting 50k In

18:13

missing your kids and being fucking lonely. I Don't

18:16

know if you won't be lonely. At least you get to

18:18

leave the fucking prison and Nine to

18:20

five you get to get out of there and still have a life I'm

18:23

gonna three hundred sixty five days. I'm doing 10

18:26

mil. I'm doing 10 mil same. Yeah I

18:29

Likely not gonna kill you but they might

18:32

rough you up a little bit Yeah, you

18:34

know if it was that big of a

18:36

deep people wouldn't work there Yeah Then you

18:38

hear a story every single I give

18:41

a super super dangerous least once a week you hear

18:43

about a fucking security guard getting Killed but

18:45

you got a bunch of guns and they don't So

18:48

I don't know. I'm taking it. I'm taking it's gonna

18:50

be rough, but I'm doing it. Maybe I think it

18:52

might be worth The gamble. Yeah. All right, damn. We're

18:54

about to have 30 million dollars. We can build our

18:56

own prison Lock

18:58

up all the guy we can privatize

19:00

our own. Yeah High

19:02

security thing is the invest the money we

19:05

just we just buy a prison by the

19:07

same prison Yeah, we buy the

19:09

prison and then we make lots of money and

19:11

then unlock all the doors and then film a

19:13

reality TV show It's so many fucking license plates.

19:15

It's gonna be awesome Okay,

19:18

let's move off to what are you thinking about okay, all right Hey,

19:23

hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking

19:25

about? Ah, you know nothing Actually,

19:27

you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What

19:30

are you thinking about? Okay

19:36

This one I called and I didn't

19:38

call you but I left you a little voice

19:40

message this past weekend

19:43

Very busy weekend was just packing up and doing a

19:45

bunch of shit and moving moving

19:47

around and getting out of houses and apartments and

19:49

combining shit and I As

19:52

I was driving I whatever it

19:54

was Monday, maybe Monday more I was bringing a

19:57

trailer back to you all hmm So I'm heading

19:59

up It's a beautiful North

20:02

Spokane Mmm, War, Jordan.

20:04

It's gorgeous up there right by the white.

20:06

I was that well not that far today.

20:08

It's beautiful this time of year I'm

20:12

good It's a good 40

20:14

minute drive from my house. Yeah, so it's

20:16

also in the same city We got some

20:18

work to do up there They're

20:21

doing it. They gotta get that freeway done nothing.

20:23

I'll be done I think you'll see that I

20:25

think it'll be finished anytime in our lifetime No

20:27

20 more years 20 more years. We can make

20:30

it. I anyway from this area You know we're talking

20:32

about they basically are trying to build this like bypass

20:34

north-south freeway And then they just keep cutting all the

20:36

funding so it gets built in fucking

20:39

hundred yard chunks like one every three

20:41

years Mm-hmm. Yep. It looks great

20:43

Can't wait to drive on it, but I was driving up

20:45

there and I was I heading

20:47

by a McDonald's It was actually lettering

20:49

on it, and it just said It

20:54

said the bagel breakfast sandwich is

20:56

and then all caps Finally

20:59

back finally the bagel breakfast

21:01

sandwich is finally back, and

21:04

I read it I didn't really think much of it. I

21:06

was like I'm kind of hungry, but then

21:08

the more I was driving I was like who's

21:11

losing sleep? Over

21:14

bringing the fucking bagel breakfast sandwich back

21:16

like who why why is this

21:19

so much excitement all caps It's

21:21

like what is someone did another man

21:24

drive by and just you

21:26

know call yeah What yeah, babe, okay,

21:28

you are not gonna believe what's back? Uh-huh

21:32

yeah clear your schedule the bagel

21:35

breakfast sandwiches here No,

21:37

it's okay. No. I'll cancel golf. We're

21:40

eating fucking sandwiches this weekend We're

21:42

gonna we're gonna eat more bagel fucking

21:45

what is it? Big old breakfast then we've ever

21:47

know we got to load up because

21:49

it's gonna be gone soon more than last time right

21:51

yeah Last time the bagel breakfast sandwiches back every time

21:53

you eat a little bit more Mm-hmm cuz you'd never

21:55

know if it's coming back and and

21:57

then also in that same vein. I was thinking about

22:00

about like the limited time kind of offers,

22:02

but where they always pitch like

22:04

it's back. Sorry

22:06

for a limited time, right? Like did they

22:08

get it? What prompted this?

22:11

Like what thing on the

22:14

food delivery system, on

22:16

the distribution did they get so much of? Like

22:19

do we, like the CEOs and stuff are on the phone, like

22:21

do we get enough bagels to bring it back? Can

22:24

we bring it back yet? We bring it back, no we don't have enough

22:26

bagels yet. Okay, all right. People

22:29

are getting antsy. We got to get antsy,

22:32

we have to bring this thing back. I've

22:34

got several emails. Gerald has called me three

22:36

times this week and he's just,

22:38

he's demanding we bring back the bagel breakfast

22:40

sandwich. He's the guy that's retired and doesn't

22:42

have anything going on. He

22:44

loves those, he's not alone. Like they're just having

22:47

this weird conversation. He goes, I don't care what

22:49

it takes, we need more bagels. And

22:52

he goes, okay, yes, sir. And he's just like, he's

22:54

out on the streets. He's like, you

22:56

know, doing the leg work, walking

22:58

around like the CEO. Yeah,

23:01

he's handing out 20s, like in dark

23:03

alleys. He's like, you hear some more

23:05

bagels. He's like, I don't know if that's

23:07

enough. He's like, I heard some people

23:10

talking about some bagels. I heard

23:12

rumblings of, maybe this will refresh your memory. Like

23:14

brings another 20 out. And he's like, yeah,

23:18

my buddy, my buddy, my buddy, my buddy, Luis says, I

23:20

may have heard something about that. I might have heard something,

23:22

yeah, I think there's a couple of jalapeno cheddars, at

23:25

least 400. You know, you have

23:27

to hit my buddy. And then

23:29

pulls his trench coat up. Fucking walks up. Walked

23:31

back into the shadows. Back in the shadows to

23:33

find some more bagels. They can find

23:35

me! Bring back the bagel breakfast

23:37

sandwich. But the same thing with the McRib. Like,

23:42

it's just a matter of time for them to make the

23:44

rib pressings. And they have to

23:46

stockpile enough rib pressings to have a

23:49

McRib off. I picture the people, like,

23:51

you know, tomorrow is the day that

23:53

we bring back the McRib. So I

23:55

need everybody on their A

23:58

game. Because we're going to have a line. Around

24:00

the block. Mm-hmm. They're expecting this McRib.

24:03

They're gonna get it They're gonna get their

24:05

McRib and while this was on my mind a

24:08

commercial came on probably watching Game Show Network and It

24:12

was a Honey nut Cheerios

24:14

commercial and it was the same type of shit

24:16

and it was like the shape Probably upstairs.

24:19

It was the shape that stole your heart and

24:21

they brought back the heart shaped Fucking

24:24

Cheerio. I didn't know that exists. Who cared

24:26

what? I didn't know that existed either Exactly.

24:29

They're telling me that like how

24:31

pumped I should be that they put the Cheerio in

24:33

a heart shape Fuck

24:35

yeah guys. Have you seen what Lucky

24:37

Charms has been doing? Years

24:39

three years. Have you seen the shapes over

24:42

there? Like that's

24:44

what cheer. That's what made cheerios great. It was

24:46

simple simple and dirty getting into the hot

24:49

heart thing whatever don't get into the

24:52

The don't play into the hand of somebody

24:54

else do what you do best and you

24:56

make oh right you make a good Oh

24:58

a solid. Oh a heart healthy. Oh All

25:01

right, although the heart healthy part is funny, too Okay,

25:03

yeah, cuz it's I mean an asterisk right and if

25:05

you read it's like we don't know Exactly.

25:08

It was like it was like it's

25:10

like it's like nutrition or by

25:13

like vitamins like this Like can't help your

25:15

heart and those are in here You know

25:17

Phil at the same time feels like well

25:19

like if you took two people and you

25:21

gave one guy frosted flakes and another guy

25:24

Cheerios, yeah, like this guy's right. Yeah,

25:26

probably gonna have a heart attack first, right?

25:28

So yeah, I mean That's

25:30

so funny Technically this you look into

25:32

the study and like they have the

25:34

one guy that ate nothing but Cheerios

25:37

The other guy had frosted flakes and cigarette

25:39

in his cigarette and then the other guy

25:41

like had fucking Whatever heavy

25:43

or fruity pebbles and his cigarettes

25:46

and then like Big Mac's and cigarettes And

25:48

he's like that fucking healthy as well was the guy that you say

25:51

the Cheerios is fucking crazy Yeah,

25:54

he didn't smoke. It was nice. He didn't want to smoke. Oh,

25:56

you know what this will help you quit smoking Yeah, he used to

25:58

smoke. He used to smoke. He doesn't We can't

26:01

technically say that it'll make

26:03

you quit smoking. But,

26:06

it'll be our little secret. Wink, wink.

26:08

You might continue not smoking if

26:10

you eat this. Whoa. God,

26:12

your phone, I hate it. It's RTD too. But

26:15

anyway, that popped up and I was just creating

26:17

a hype and who is

26:19

just spending time being so fucking pumped

26:22

about a fast food burger

26:25

sandwich thing coming back. So I've never had

26:27

a McRib. But I know, I've

26:30

heard about the McRib for years and I know people

26:32

get excited about the McRib. Mc missing out. I never

26:35

heard of the bagel sandwich, if I'm being

26:37

honest. So if

26:39

you wouldn't have told me

26:42

and I saw the sign, I would have been

26:44

like, what is that? Where am I missing

26:46

out? And they're just trying to create

26:48

some FOMO. Oh, I get it. It's all FOMO and it's

26:50

like it's. Sick marketing. I mean, it's

26:53

all marketing. It's like, let's create nostalgia

26:55

that doesn't exist out of

26:57

nothing and you fell for it. Yep. So,

27:00

anyway, just pass that along. My little brain font.

27:02

I might have to go in a minute and

27:04

might see. I was gonna say,

27:07

I might have to go and make

27:09

head over and try one. Make drive

27:11

over to McDonald's and spend some McMoney.

27:13

McBucks, what they call them? Was

27:16

it McBucks? Is that a thing? Yeah, back at, don't

27:18

you get, don't you be. Yee-hoo! I'm

27:20

gonna tell you. You fucking don't get it.

27:22

Oh, yeah. You fuck don't

27:24

get it. I don't remember McBucks. I

27:27

just remember Monopoly. Yeah, they have the dollars and

27:29

stuff. Yeah, we'll talk about the Monopoly.

27:32

God, I miss it. They have a

27:34

Monopoly on the kids toys. All

27:36

right, Dick time? Can I taste it

27:38

really quick? No. Okay. Yeah, go

27:41

ahead. It's so funny. We

27:43

will go to McDonald's and my youngest

27:45

will want to make, he'll want a

27:49

kid's meal and a happy meal and

27:53

then he won't even eat it and he just wants

27:55

the toy. But then as soon as we

27:57

get out of the car and go in the house, he leaves the toy

27:59

in the car. So I bought him a

28:01

fucking $10 thing. He

28:04

didn't eat any of it. And then the toy he played

28:06

with that he had to have just got left in the

28:08

car. Yep, went straight to the landfill. Are you fucking kidding

28:10

me? Like McDonald's has got to figure it out. That

28:13

story right there is just birth control. That's

28:16

what that is. If you're ever like, I don't

28:18

know, should I have kids? Just go

28:20

back, listen to this episode and be like,

28:22

that sounds fucking nutty. You probably

28:24

shouldn't do it. Huge

28:27

waste of money those kids, you know? I paid

28:29

$10 for a toy that he played with for

28:31

five minutes. Yeah, cardboard box. That's what happened. Yeah,

28:33

cardboard box and the toy that he threw away. I

28:36

ended up eating the chicken nuggets. You would have

28:38

eaten a fucking plain, nothing pickles.

28:41

Like maybe no pickles? No, he doesn't do

28:43

any condiments. It's just a cheeseburger. So

28:47

then I ended up eating that cold and

28:49

it's just not good. No, just feeling sick.

28:51

And then there's trash in the car. What

28:54

a fucking world. Yeah. Good

28:57

stuff. Alright, dick time? Okay, let's write it. Is

28:59

it? Is it interesting? Is

29:01

it cool? Baby, dick, dick. Whoo,

29:04

you ready for a wild

29:06

tale? Tales

29:08

of wilder than the shirts

29:11

we're wearing. Yeah.

29:15

I don't think it doesn't get much wilder

29:17

than that. You're about to find out. The more

29:19

complicated the design, the better. When I read this

29:21

headline, okay, you're gonna be

29:24

like, this is fucking crazy. But

29:26

apparently, when they were writing this

29:28

headline, whoever was writing it just couldn't

29:30

figure out a way to put it all in. So

29:33

you just get crazy parts. Then you keep reading

29:35

and you're like, this, what

29:37

the fuck? It says meth written

29:39

all over it. Two men, two men,

29:42

two men plan to have

29:44

large, quote, python eat

29:46

woman's daughter before blowing up her

29:48

house. That's

29:50

fucking crazy. So right there you're like, whoa. That's pretty

29:52

fucking crazy, right? And it just keeps getting better. 24-year-old

30:00

Caleb Kinsey and 37-year-old Steven glosser. They

30:02

had their whole life ahead of me

30:06

Conspired to harass intimidate injure or

30:08

kill the women or the woman

30:10

who owned the house they

30:13

look Like

30:15

they would do that they look like they

30:17

would think that was a sick murder plot

30:19

dude Oh you how is no one

30:21

thought of this dude? Perfect.

30:24

This is I mean, it's a no-brainer. We're doing

30:26

this. It's absolutely fucking

30:28

bulletproof So

30:31

glosser and the victim allegedly met on a dating

30:33

app But their relationship eventually went south so they

30:35

decided to block each other and that's when Ken

30:39

Got involved like no one blocks my bro.

30:41

Yeah, you know we should do it for

30:43

me to step in This is gonna sound crazy.

30:45

I think we should blow up her house Hold

30:47

on. This might sound crazy. Don't roll it out.

30:50

Okay. Here you go. Ready? Here's

30:52

the full rundown The

30:56

men allegedly plan to shoot arrows into the

30:58

victim's front door or

31:02

Or dead rats Wait

31:06

dog poop or dead rat like they were going

31:09

they were on the fence like

31:11

they were like how do you decide between those two things?

31:14

Right, like we could get dog food or

31:16

we could find some dead rats or which

31:18

I mean if we have time I feel

31:21

like I mean there's dog poop as a

31:23

given. Yeah, but fucking dead I could take

31:25

a dump and for all she knows Okay,

31:28

so shoot arrows into the victim's front

31:30

door mail her dog feces

31:33

or dead rats Scalp her

31:35

head blow up the home

31:37

and then release a large python to eat her

31:39

daughter What

31:42

the fuck that's so

31:44

many different things It's

31:47

like that's like that's like throwing darts and I

31:50

just a bunch of ideas and he's like these

31:52

are all great How do

31:54

you choose just one of these because I

31:56

mean, I'll be all my great I

31:58

think we go either way on the Dead rats

32:01

and dog feces. Yeah. So let's get

32:03

these other darts out of here. Hahahaha.

32:06

It's like Wily Coyote on meth. They're

32:09

just standing back looking at it like this is

32:11

almost perfect. I feel

32:13

like it's missing. Do we need to shoot

32:15

the arrows in the front door? Yes, it

32:17

symbolizes heartbreak. Right. Kinzie, I

32:20

told you if you're gonna get involved, you and your snake are gonna

32:22

get involved in this. Well, see,

32:25

all the arrows do is that's just a warm up.

32:27

Right. It's just to let her know

32:29

that, oh shit, something's going down. And like, you

32:31

see that, you know you're probably gonna get scalped.

32:33

Right. Right, and then that's when we move on

32:35

to phase two at the point. Isn't that cultural

32:37

appropriation? What? Arrows and scalping?

32:40

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's part of the, that's

32:42

what they got in trouble for. Nothing else? Yeah,

32:44

nothing else is just cultural appropriation. Like,

32:46

yeah, the attempted murder, ehh! I

32:49

mean, blow up the house, the snake thing, and all that's

32:52

like, nah, we just care about the scalping and the arrows.

32:54

We just think that's fucking crazy. Like, that's

32:56

just, we can't, that's not flying around here. Alright,

32:58

so, WTOC,

33:01

you know how much I love that.

33:03

Yeah. We got a credit themselves, reported

33:05

that Glosser found the victim's home and

33:07

built an explosive device along with Kinsey

33:09

using Tannerite. A fun thing

33:11

you shoot with guns and it blows up. More like Tanner Wrong.

33:14

You know what I mean? Yeah! Tannerite

33:16

is a brand of firearm, I guess I said that. The

33:19

two then use the device to blow up the woman's house.

33:22

You know how much Tannerite you would need? To

33:25

blow up the house? No, I don't. Oh

33:28

man! I mean, if you're just

33:30

trying to blow like a, like the front door off,

33:33

like you could, you know, get a little brick. So you put

33:35

like a C4 brick, essentially, and then you shoot that

33:37

with a bullet? And then it explodes.

33:42

Alright, but that much to blow up a

33:44

house? Are they using the arrows to do

33:46

that? No, that was, that was symbolic. Who

33:48

do they think they are, Robin Hood? I

33:50

don't know. Fucking Robin

33:53

Bad. More

33:56

like fucking destroying Hood

33:58

over here. Dude, so

34:00

witnesses told investigators to saw black SUV leaving

34:03

the scene which was determined to be Kinsey's

34:05

car These guys are just fucking so good

34:08

police service guys were in the Indian

34:10

gloss his home and the last name

34:12

and and In

34:14

letters on the back window, you know

34:17

customized play against a Lindsay Mm-hmm He's

34:24

got it what the fuck are they doing? But

34:27

they're in trouble for all the things that you you know

34:29

think that you'd be in trouble for trying to do

34:31

something like That except for a culture appropriation. Yeah,

34:33

I don't see a lost on the list They'd

34:35

uh, maybe the detectives miss that one, but

34:37

we caught it. Yeah right away Yeah,

34:40

but just the the planning of

34:42

these guys just in a basement Wait

34:45

fucking smoking cigarettes one solo light kind of

34:47

swinging a little bit over a

34:49

makeshift coffee table They made out of a fucking

34:51

old French door and they put the plans and they

34:53

roll it out They roll it out and it's a

34:55

it's a fucking etch a sketch Was

35:01

the snake somebody's or were they gonna have to go

35:03

buy a snake Detail

35:05

didn't make the news article that what he's trying

35:07

to write. He's like, what do you need Python? He

35:09

goes he's trying to he's like, you know hard peas

35:12

are A

35:14

fucking that just catch how am I gonna connect a

35:16

P and away? He's like, he's like, I need a

35:18

beer Like his knee hits the table. Just

35:21

shake the whole plan God,

35:23

that's what happens. He's like fuck was

35:25

it mailer dog? These are What'd

35:28

we go with fuck? We'll just do both.

35:30

We do both. I'm just do both man.

35:33

What a wild tale Like the

35:35

dead rats would be cheaper. Yeah, but

35:38

we have to go on a scavenger hunt, but

35:41

You know, you have a dog was catch through it doesn't

35:43

say where the fucking Python came from not in there How

35:45

does that okay? Can

35:47

we talk about whoever investigated this

35:50

the TV news or whatever? Mm-hmm

35:53

I mean, that's one of the questions you should ask right? Yeah,

35:55

where were you planning on getting this Python? We're

35:57

they gonna steal a Python And then

35:59

Why? Like. While that the thing and street

36:01

east, the daughter what the fuck would she

36:03

do to you didn't block you. But.

36:05

Also you got blocked. After.

36:08

A relationship. Cut.

36:10

Calm down. I love the the the the

36:12

ideas when they're talking about okay well how

36:15

we gonna kill the daughter without making it

36:17

not seem suspicious and get rid of the

36:19

evidence? Yeah Psych. Systematic out

36:21

as Cinco of his mortgage giants

36:24

Next doesn't notice that the Python

36:26

is wearing ago fog and spandex

36:28

suman suit and it's very. Likes

36:31

Dislikes: must. I also found the

36:33

daughter is a perfect out front

36:35

of a person. A move metics

36:38

stomach. Guy or

36:40

it is useful. Just disastrous. Now the

36:42

daughter to serve as this I'm indebted.

36:44

Don't marijuana has a do your job

36:46

for you but to me fact I've

36:48

seen enough organs shows now I don't

36:51

do with i don't want to kill.

36:54

Her daughter. but I guarantee you're not

36:56

using a Python. Thought you wanted to

36:58

talk about sex stuff and we we

37:00

all like sex. Yes,

37:02

okay interests you wanna read some

37:04

this fall Read some got be sue

37:07

articles size more you to boned I

37:09

suggest something you weren't there Siegel camps

37:11

camouflage about? not this one. it's

37:13

Hot member you weren't as his hair

37:16

still still smells. It's

37:19

kind of with what kind of a weird

37:21

story? Yeah, I mean, Elizabeth Hurley attractive right

37:23

now? Maybe not a theory doesn't She's one

37:25

of my services. One is mild, the next

37:27

one to exist. They get a little. Progressive.

37:30

We wilder. Much. Time it is

37:32

not assess the situation of this one And

37:34

when we pull up the article. For

37:37

the you to viewers look this look at

37:39

the son's face. Because.

37:42

What is happening? Senses. Be.

37:45

mean was avenue energy at what is happening

37:47

in hollywood here i mean he's a pretty

37:49

guy road that say scares the shit out

37:51

of me knew they were we read the

37:53

article you get to know what's like why

37:56

you like i add does she still looks

37:58

good and she's hot spot elizabeth hurley cells

38:00

safe filming sex scene directed by your son.

38:04

Could you imagine filming your...

38:08

And that's why I'm saying this guy, he was like... My

38:10

mom likes her nipples squeezed. No,

38:12

I know this. I know this

38:14

from experience. She loves

38:16

them getting sucked on. I know

38:18

that from experience. Yeah,

38:21

my dad really likes to go town on her

38:24

thorax. I've seen it, it's cool.

38:27

All right, Elizabeth Hurley said she felt

38:29

liberated while filming a sex scene in

38:31

a new movie directed by her son,

38:33

Damien Hurley. Strictly confidential,

38:35

the 21-year-old's directorial debut is a

38:37

thriller about a woman whose best

38:39

friend kills herself. Sick

38:42

plot. Some ex-users were shocked when

38:44

they discovered Elizabeth Hurley would appear

38:46

in a sex scene in her

38:48

son's movie. The closeness of

38:51

the 58-year-old and her

38:53

son previously caused controversy when she told Watch

38:55

What Happens Live in 2008 that

38:57

her son took her bikini photos. Okay.

39:02

It's interesting. Living in their

39:04

own fucking bubble. Yeah. Got it.

39:08

They defended the bikini photography.

39:10

Of course. And the erotic

39:12

movie. You gotta double down on that. People

39:15

find this really controversial, Damien Hurley said,

39:17

of the bikini pictures. Show business has

39:19

been a fundamental part of my entire

39:22

life. So to us, it's just not a

39:24

thing. Not

39:26

a big deal. Not a problem. Do you

39:28

want me to play the video? No. Okay. Don't

39:31

worry about that. Elizabeth Hurley said her son looked

39:34

after her, which is why she felt comfortable shooting

39:36

a sex scene in the upcoming movie and letting

39:38

her son take her bikini photos.

39:42

Now I know my son, if the

39:44

actor starts getting a little bit too

39:46

grabby, or if he's

39:48

not turning me on enough, my son's gonna know

39:50

what to do. He's gonna step in and make

39:52

sure things are fine. To keep my vagina wet.

39:54

Right, so a little creepy. And

39:56

again, they have their experiences and they

39:59

have their experiences. own world and from the

40:01

outside looking in you're like it's fucking weird right

40:03

but I don't look and I don't work in

40:05

Hollywood I've never been like a in the

40:08

position where I'm gonna be directing a movie but

40:11

also my mom is an actress and there's a

40:13

sex scene in it right but

40:16

from the outside it looks fucking pretty crazy

40:18

but not nearly as crazy as

40:20

this next story but yeah I

40:22

want it so just I've

40:25

never been I'm not it the

40:28

actors are like they're they

40:30

get they just go

40:33

inside they're acting in their character and it's

40:35

like they don't like it associate yeah it's

40:37

like you you have a sex scene with

40:39

the with someone Emily there's people that are

40:41

aren't gay who can have a full-on graphic

40:43

gay nude like sex scene right and to

40:46

them they're just acting but to someone who's

40:49

not like that it's like I'd

40:51

have a hard time doing that

40:53

just because I'm not attracted to that

40:56

so weird but to them it's like they're

40:58

just acting you know they're doing the same

41:00

thing totally get it like that I can

41:02

see a separation between these two like

41:06

but no like sex and openness and like just not

41:08

making it weird and having a bunch of social parameters

41:10

set on it if you were able to eliminate all

41:12

those and just doing your job but the end of

41:15

the day like you're filming your mom

41:17

getting fucked like that's the whole point of

41:19

what you're doing and you're just sitting there looking I

41:22

haven't seen the scene but I'm guessing penetration

41:24

right I have probably not I haven't seen

41:26

it I haven't seen it I'm going

41:28

to but I haven't yet and I'm gonna

41:30

watch I get it like you can kind of you can figure

41:32

it out it's working stuff just doing my job and I that's

41:34

fine but all of that just sets

41:37

up this next this next step okay so

41:39

son of only fans model admits admits

41:41

that he films her content for her

41:44

that's a little different guys

41:48

in again nothing nothing

41:50

illegal happening here right

41:53

it's not like this is like

41:56

they're doing anything he's

41:58

just holding the camera Well

42:00

mom fucking... Fingers herself? Yeah rubs

42:03

the pink canoe, paddles the

42:05

pink canoe. You

42:07

know? Yeah

42:11

I mean I... Does she need

42:13

someone to hold the camera? No. But

42:15

I'm guessing like there's certain shots that they're on

42:17

like they're on like on the go. Like

42:20

mom on the go. You know? Yeah she's busy,

42:22

she's a mom. Yeah. She's getting the kids dressed

42:24

for school and fingering herself at the same time.

42:27

And my first thought was maybe that she's

42:29

just like trying to make a living.

42:32

Maybe the only fans account is growing but it's not quite there when

42:34

you can't like hire someone. Trying to put food on the table. You

42:36

can't hire someone who's

42:39

not your son. You know? Yeah she's busy,

42:41

she's a mom. Yeah. She's getting the kids

42:43

dressed for school and fingering herself at the

42:45

same time. And my first thought was maybe

42:47

that she's

42:49

just like trying to make a living. Maybe

42:52

the only fans account is growing but it's not quite there when

42:54

you can't like hire someone. Trying to put food on the table.

42:56

You can't hire someone who's not your son.

42:58

Right? Like you just got... It's not in

43:01

the budget. That's nepotism also. Like

43:03

it's not in the budget yet. Yeah. No.

43:05

She has over three million followers on Instagram

43:08

and her only fans account

43:11

is super successful. Maybe she just

43:13

wants to keep it in the family. Yeah. Right.

43:15

Yeah you don't want to definitely don't want to

43:17

pay someone 50 bucks to come film you. That'd

43:19

be weird to have a stranger filming you. Mm-hmm.

43:22

You know. Mm-hmm. Jammin' Adildo. Yep. But it

43:25

says in the article it says while many

43:27

creators might hire someone to film their content

43:29

for them, Adessa decided to keep

43:31

the business within the family. Yeah. As her

43:33

son shoots things for her. During

43:36

an Instagram question and answer last

43:39

summer Adessa's son Arthur who

43:41

was 18 at the time. So you think

43:43

that like for his 18th birthday he

43:45

was just given permission to film his mom. Yeah it's

43:47

like well you're an adult now so. Sucking a dick.

43:50

And I don't I've I'm not I haven't seen

43:52

the OnlyFans account. I don't know exactly what the

43:54

content is but I know what OnlyFans is and

43:56

I know what the content is typically on OnlyFans.

43:58

Right. Mm-hmm. So says Arthur

44:01

are you the one who films the desk as

44:03

only fans goes? Yep? I'm really badass with pictures,

44:05

right? What an 18 year old fucking

44:07

response Yeah Pictures

44:10

you've seen that lighting fucking so cool

44:13

for many people the idea of shooting

44:15

such content of their parents would be

44:17

well Unimaginable, but Arthur appeared unfazed, but

44:20

while he doesn't seem to be bothered others

44:22

were I mean religious groups in particular Don't

44:25

care about that. I'm just saying at a

44:27

at a relationship level With

44:29

your with your mom If

44:32

you're just filming or like and just in

44:35

doing crazy fucking only fans content How

44:38

is there any sort of like healthy boundaries set

44:40

up feel like you can figure it out?

44:42

But it's like I you have to do your homework and

44:44

then as soon as you're done You know what you play

44:46

with my pussy. Yeah, and you're like,

44:48

okay mom do I have to I? Want

44:52

to want to get on call of duty tonight like

44:54

you do you want to eat this month? Yeah Do

44:56

you want to I mean do you like the food?

44:58

I'm giving you yes, and you'll watch me fucking shove

45:00

this in my pussy Do you

45:02

want to eat this cucumber? Later?

45:05

Yeah, then you're gonna watch me Put

45:07

it itself with it put it in my butt and you're

45:09

gonna film it mom God,

45:12

my friends are going to the movies. I'm

45:14

sitting home making movie. We're filming a movie

45:18

Jeffrey whatever his name is. Can you just

45:20

like muttering like the the teenage ink stuff as

45:22

he walks away? Sick

45:24

of your fucking pussy Slams

45:27

his door. Well, it's funny is like his

45:30

friends He's like, oh,

45:32

sorry. I can't go to my mom. She's

45:34

doing this new thing where she's like jamming

45:37

fish in her vagina And

45:39

I got a filament so so fucking lame.

45:41

So what come in your house? Yeah, are

45:44

you busy? Yeah Is that

45:46

mean you come to the party tomorrow night you go into prom? No,

45:49

my mom's got a fucking double penetration scene.

45:51

It's a big night. I got a film.

45:53

Yeah, it's a bit It's a high traffic

45:55

night. Sorry postponed it twice. We're trying to

45:57

pay for my college here. Yeah, you've already

45:59

postponed I can't believe how hard it

46:01

is to fucking book a schedule when there's

46:03

two dicks involved You wouldn't believe

46:06

how busy people are how busy people are like some

46:08

die to this dicks there and sometimes This

46:10

dick can make it but tonight for sure my

46:12

mom said these two dicks can make it so We've

46:16

got it confirmed we got to confirm that I guess I

46:19

got to be there I got a film we have a

46:21

hard out Though I mean a

46:23

hard in to I should be over by nine Okay,

46:25

we come pick up the guys blow their loads

46:28

all over titties then I'll be I

46:30

just gotta grab a couple towels. I'm gonna clean up

46:32

my mom and then I'll be over clean up fucking

46:34

eat a cucumber and I'll be over Got

46:39

one All right. Well, that

46:41

was it just that's wild. I get it. It's fine People

46:44

are able to separate make things worse or make

46:46

things work But it seems like the

46:48

family dynamics could be a little fucked if you're filming

46:51

your mom touch the post Okay, think about here's a

46:53

scenario for you that well, I mean

46:55

we're in the realm What if it was the other

46:57

way around and what if it

46:59

was a dad that had an only fans

47:01

with a daughter's daughter To do it. Welcome

47:04

to jail motherfucker I'm

47:07

just curious like how that would right No

47:10

way That would it

47:13

would not work like and that is I didn't

47:15

even think about how come it can work this way Mmm,

47:18

I mean it shouldn't I mean we're

47:20

talking about how it's not okay if you I mean

47:22

obviously Don't do it. Yeah, right And

47:27

again, like I'm also projecting

47:29

and just trying to make the content Extreme

47:32

as possible with like I don't know if

47:34

he was filming her touching her pussy, right?

47:37

So he might have just been filming content where

47:39

she's like in lingerie, right? Teething content.

47:41

Sure Yeah, sure. I so I don't know I didn't

47:43

go I didn't go and look I wasn't gonna fucking

47:45

sign up for only fans to Be

47:49

super educated about the Sun filming the mom Trials

47:52

do they do free trials? No, I'm sure they do.

47:55

I'm sure there's a couple freebies in there You want

47:57

to make sure you like you're like, oh, yeah big does

47:59

it gape? Is it is it

48:01

gonna make me excited is gonna make me

48:03

or the like is it a tea thing

48:05

like house the gate? How's

48:08

it what's the gate like no

48:11

down for five four ninety nine months on the hell

48:13

of a bargain, but how's the gate? Per

48:21

gate per capita. I think people are

48:23

like I'm sure pretty good

48:25

gate There's a couple good

48:27

what good gates in you're like how good how

48:29

good's the game is it worth 499 a month, bro Just

48:34

like a cup of coffee. It's worth five nine easy one

48:36

day just one day a week Just

48:39

don't get that cup of coffee dude. Fuck you see

48:41

all the gate. You fucking gave it

48:43

up gay, babe Okay,

48:46

let's move off to some petty beef. Okay,

48:48

it's been a couple weeks. Yeah, I'll petty

48:50

beef. Yeah Yeah, you back As

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50:11

pilot turned the cord! You are now

50:13

entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all

50:16

sides of some bullshit will be heard

50:18

and evaluated. The people are real, the

50:20

cases are real, the rulings are final-ish.

50:23

This is Petty Beef. Well,

50:27

picture my fucking... Mom

50:29

naked? You hear I'm gonna film my mom for

50:31

an only thing to count? Well, I mean, that,

50:34

to be fair, that one's

50:36

not... Yeah, like, that was a hot mom. Have

50:38

you seen my mom? No. Phew.

50:41

Just kidding. Um, okay, so Petty Beef... I

50:44

just wanna make things awkward. Uh, for this week, sent

50:46

in by a man at the end of his rope.

50:49

And he writes, "'Sup, guys?" "'Sup, dude?"

50:51

"'Sup, dude?" I don't know if

50:55

this is the spot to put my Petty Beef, but fuck

50:57

it, this needs to be addressed. He sent it in through

50:59

our Instagram account. Perfect. Oh, I see. That's

51:01

how you meant, is this the platform to be... Yeah.

51:03

I don't know, I mean... Is

51:06

this the one podcast that has a thing called

51:08

Petty Beef? My

51:10

fiance and I live together in a

51:12

nice home in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Beautiful!

51:16

Downtown Philly. Or it's always sunny.

51:18

Inside this home, things go

51:20

down. Something that will

51:23

ruin any man. Oh. What

51:26

my fiance does is absurd. She

51:28

will clean the surfaces of things and anything

51:30

on the surface goes either... One.

51:34

In a random fucking door. Or

51:37

really any open spot that an item can

51:40

fit into. To be honest. That's

51:42

so funny, I see it. Number two. Into

51:45

the ether to never be found again. She

51:48

says she doesn't move things, but she does. I

51:51

found half-drank water bottles in the snack

51:53

cabinet along with kitchen scissors. I

51:56

need to know if anyone else has

51:58

a spouse or partner. That does the

52:00

same thing to them and if they

52:02

are and if they are still around law love

52:05

this damn show so much Your

52:08

loyal silly goose Junior

52:11

yeah What's that

52:14

son? Oh? That's

52:16

my boy. It's a good. It's a fun one

52:18

because Just from past petty

52:20

beefs and us knowing each other and being twins.

52:23

I think there'll be a different take on this

52:25

What do you what do you think well first

52:27

of all tell my daughter-in-law? Hmm

52:30

she needs to get her shit together here. Yeah, I

52:32

hear you ah Cleaning

52:35

cleaning counter hiding scissors. It's

52:37

funny because I I think I think women

52:40

well so like my

52:42

wife she She's very

52:44

much likes to know where she's like I'm

52:48

gonna decorate the house cuz I know all that kind

52:50

of stuff I she likes to

52:52

put things away because she likes to know where

52:54

they're at mm-hmm And I really do think that

52:57

a lot of ladies that are like that They

53:00

have in their head. They're thinking I'm cleaning up

53:02

and putting this stuff away But

53:04

then they just like don't realize that you're

53:06

not gonna know where they put the

53:09

stuff and they argue it could be well Don't

53:11

leave your stuff around don't don't leave your wallet

53:13

or laying around your hat laying around if you

53:15

don't want me to put it somewhere but

53:19

I think there's a legitimate like

53:21

something's missing there between You

53:25

Obsessing where things go and not knowing that I

53:27

don't now I don't know where they are if

53:29

you're obsessed about where things go Then you put

53:31

them there like you need to just have

53:34

this how did the scissors end up out in

53:36

a spot where the scissors could Go somewhere where you didn't want the

53:38

scissors, and if it was you that left them out

53:41

Then like you're kind of

53:44

fighting uphill Because you

53:46

put them out so put the scissors back where they

53:48

go I get that I get that I Think

53:51

the part that is then like the

53:53

the extra Like little

53:56

juice on this argument is when he

53:58

wrote in here that she says that she doesn't move things. I

54:01

don't know, I didn't touch it. Like I

54:03

don't know, didn't it fucking float into the cabinet? Like

54:06

how did the water bottle get up in the snacks?

54:10

How did that happen? Did a ghost do it?

54:12

A ghost can use all his energy to move your water bottle

54:14

to buy the Cheez-Its? He had a little bit of energy that

54:17

day and that's what he chose to do. Yeah, he's like, what

54:19

can I do to this family, let them know I'm here. God,

54:21

I'm gonna put this piece

54:24

of bread over here

54:26

by the hats. Oh shit,

54:28

all I did was create an argument between this couple

54:30

who did nothing for me. If I get to watch

54:32

it, that's fucking sweet. Yeah. He

54:35

starts making popcorn while they're arguing. He's like,

54:37

oh dude, she's gonna get so pissed, watch

54:39

this. They're fighting

54:41

and there's like just like a little

54:43

tea cup like floating, just watching. Watching

54:49

the couple fight, God, that would blow your mind.

54:51

Yeah, it would. And he's like, oh shit, you

54:53

bitch. What? Yeah, I think it's there. You see

54:55

that? And then it just

54:57

drops. Downstairs,

55:02

squeaking down the stairs, going slow. Why

55:04

are you running? You're invisible. God, you're

55:06

always such an idiot. You always forget

55:08

they can't see you. Just stay there.

55:10

Why are you running? It would be

55:12

weird to forget that you're invisible and

55:14

you're standing two feet from somebody and

55:17

you realize though they can't see you, but you forget

55:19

like, oh yeah, or a little moment you think they

55:21

see you. Yeah. They look at you and

55:23

you're like, they both do this and you're like, still

55:28

before like, did you hear that? You're like,

55:35

sort of ghost code,

55:37

like Andy or in

55:39

toy story. He's always like a

55:41

little code for everybody. I'm getting so

55:43

much trouble. I'm never gonna get

55:46

to come back to Spokane. It's

55:48

my favorite place to hot. It's

55:50

my favorite place to hot. It's

55:52

the Ghostbusters that come for you.

55:54

Cleaning up. I've touched on this

55:56

in the past on petty beefs

55:59

where like I. I've always had a

56:01

problem with like things going almost

56:04

back to where they go. Like

56:06

so close. Like if

56:08

you're working on something and I think

56:10

the most recent one I talked about was the vacuum. And

56:12

a lot of people wrote in about this, which was

56:14

funny because they were listening and then across

56:16

their room was the vacuum was still left

56:19

out with the cord. The cord, yeah. But

56:21

they haven't vacuumed for a couple days. Instead

56:23

of just putting it back where the vacuum

56:25

goes, it just sits somewhere

56:27

else. That type of stuff

56:29

does bug me. Like you walk in,

56:31

it's like, oh, and like the coat goes on

56:33

the chair and then two more feet you can

56:35

put it on the coat rack. Yeah. Instead

56:38

of just fucking hang your coat on. Don't put it on the

56:40

back of a chair. It's right

56:42

there. Or like working on a

56:44

project and you get done and you take all

56:47

your shit and then you go to the

56:49

garage and then you just like put it in

56:51

the garage, but don't put

56:53

it where it goes in the garage. Like your

56:55

hat, just a little more. And

56:57

it starts to pile up too. And it just

57:00

sits there until somebody else fucking moves it. So

57:03

it just take the one more minute it takes

57:05

to put the fold up chair over where

57:07

the fold up chairs go. You don't just lean

57:10

it on the garage door. Like

57:12

just keep going. Dude, when my wife's gone,

57:14

she's gone for a weekend. The

57:18

dishes and trash will stack up so

57:20

fast. And then

57:22

an hour before she's get, I do

57:24

like just super clean. Like it

57:27

looks like how far out of you? About an

57:29

hour. Yeah. What? Like

57:32

doing windmills and stretching

57:34

your hamstrings. Yeah. Yeah.

57:38

I mean, I moved that fast. I don't want to pull

57:40

anything, but it's like, it looks like, wow, you kept this

57:42

place nice. And it's like, Oh yeah. You

57:44

should have seen it an hour ago. Of course I did.

57:47

I love you. I never would do that

57:49

to you. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you.

57:52

And then she walks in, you're doing like

57:54

scrubbing the last bit of the counter and

57:56

she's so, she sees you doing it. Oh,

57:58

didn't see you working. She liked just I

58:01

told you I was almost here. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

58:03

That already was already. I thought that was yesterday

58:07

She has miss you so much it feels like

58:09

it took forever just wearing you're wearing her underwear

58:11

fucking Scrubbing the floor. Oh

58:14

my god. Why'd you get here? We just

58:16

I just talked to you ten minutes ago I said I was

58:18

almost home That's

58:21

crazy It's

58:24

getting this one more one more spot Have

58:29

you ever done anything like Whether

58:33

you know like when they're gone for the

58:35

weekend You're just like is like do anything

58:37

sexual masturbation wise or anything like that to

58:40

where? You'd like got out

58:42

all the pull out all the stops and then

58:44

you Treat yourself, right

58:46

you forgot and then like and

58:48

then you walk in the room like

58:50

holy shit And then you're like, whoa,

58:52

what's all what's all the stops? I'm

58:54

curious. No, nothing specific ready you go

58:57

I'm just imagining like toys or whatever

58:59

like that She didn't

59:01

know you had or she does know you have

59:03

but you don't she doesn't know you really use

59:06

them when you're not there But

59:08

you know, you're like, I'll clean that up later and

59:11

then you're like, holy shit if she would have

59:13

walked in Wow

59:17

Nope, I've never had that

59:20

but I can see that happening Like

59:23

I mean I've had that Cassie and I've

59:25

had that happen, but not like out but

59:27

just like the bag of fun Was

59:29

out bag of toys? Yeah,

59:31

I was just out but

59:33

it wasn't like put away under the bed tripod. No,

59:36

I think that I Mean,

59:38

there's a couple people there that we thought left They

59:41

were there for the gangbang, but they're good. Like they

59:43

were they were right on they pretended to be a

59:45

butler. Mmm Yeah, the other one. Yeah, the other one's

59:47

a landscaper Snap

59:51

Like shit, you guys are still here Like I

59:53

know what to do they hop out the window

59:56

like pulls a turns into a maid. Yeah as a

59:58

duster Rips

1:00:00

his clothes off underneath all

1:00:03

your wife's underwear. Like, I'm

1:00:05

just gonna help. I don't know. I didn't

1:00:08

think this through. So

1:00:10

now your kids walk in. Is that just seeing a man? They

1:00:12

see a stranger in Cassie's

1:00:14

underwear. You're like, this is not

1:00:16

good. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not

1:00:18

good with kids. I know. You've

1:00:20

made that very clear. You might

1:00:23

need daddy. Nope. Kinda. Kinda.

1:00:26

You're telling what you asked your dad about.

1:00:28

Okay. All right. Okay.

1:00:31

Okay. Uh, but I get this man's

1:00:33

frustration about things disappearing going in random places. I do

1:00:35

get it. I think we've come to

1:00:37

the same conclusion where if you don't want them to go to

1:00:39

a random asphalt, then, uh, you

1:00:41

put them away. Yeah. Yeah.

1:00:44

Like you, you know that she clearly likes to

1:00:46

have things clean at any cost. So the cat,

1:00:49

anything that's on the counter is going to go

1:00:51

into a place. So if

1:00:53

you want that to not happen, then you

1:00:55

don't put shit on the counter. I think we've,

1:00:57

I mean, we've touched on this before. That's

1:00:59

what we always go off in some

1:01:01

tangent and then we come back with the real answer.

1:01:03

And it's, if you have

1:01:05

a problem with somebody else doing it, do

1:01:08

whatever you can to fix the problem. Don't

1:01:10

always expect them to change or whatever. So

1:01:13

that falls in line here

1:01:15

too. Like, yeah, that might

1:01:17

be annoying what she does, but there's a way to prevent

1:01:20

that is the way to not let her. Yeah. But

1:01:23

also when she is picking up the counter, if it

1:01:26

is, I could, it's a, it's a team where it's

1:01:28

a tag effort. It's teamwork to keep a house clean.

1:01:30

Like a half empty water bottle does not go

1:01:33

on the snacks. It gets

1:01:35

dumped in the sink and put where the

1:01:37

water bottles go. I get it. Or in

1:01:39

the fridge or something. Yeah. Something where those

1:01:41

things go. So I do get that frustration.

1:01:43

Um, but, uh, but you could do it

1:01:45

too. I've never left a water bottle. I

1:01:48

have. I'm a water cup guy. I'll

1:01:50

leave a water cup. No, a cup. Yeah.

1:01:53

I'm saying the water bottle. Yeah. Water bottle

1:01:55

night. I've never not drank a whole one

1:01:57

is what I'm saying. I

1:02:01

think I like a bottle of water That's

1:02:06

good water Fucking

1:02:09

water, you know, yeah pretty good this time

1:02:11

of year. Yeah, but it's all the snow

1:02:13

run off. Yeah, it's coming downstream, baby Yeah

1:02:16

Okay, we done with the petty beef. Yeah, I think Clear

1:02:20

that up. I feel like we help a little bit. I Good

1:02:23

news. Yeah. All right You're

1:02:28

telling me there's a chance hooray

1:02:33

All right, this is some happy happy news

1:02:35

but first let's do it. Oh,

1:02:38

yeah Yeah,

1:02:49

if I can combine this one hold on yeah,

1:02:52

I'm a little late Ah

1:02:59

And the same thing with the hot air balloon

1:03:01

like zapped into the power line story Whenever

1:03:04

the mummy sound makes the rounds that

1:03:06

is our entire social feed. It comes back

1:03:09

around. They're like, oh They

1:03:11

send it over like oh, yeah, we know we know it's the

1:03:13

whole Buddy you gotta check

1:03:15

this out man So

1:03:18

this makes your heart feel good. Okay,

1:03:20

but for years bill walked six miles

1:03:22

to work Until

1:03:24

she gave him a lift and then started

1:03:26

a rideshare service just for him. Oh Bill

1:03:30

smells. I mean sure

1:03:32

but six fucking six

1:03:34

miles anyway Bill

1:03:38

why you would smell so Polish

1:03:41

mok zalowski mok zalowski

1:03:43

mok zalowski bill mok zalowski It's probably

1:03:45

not even it's probably science by mozalowski

1:03:48

mom mozalilla don't mozalowski He walked six

1:03:50

miles to work at a local Walmart

1:03:52

as a night shift janitor But

1:03:55

that all changed the woman stopped and offered him a

1:03:57

ride Kristie Conrad learned that

1:03:59

despite being legally blind he possessed a

1:04:01

steadfast determination to trudge in any kind

1:04:03

of weather in order to get to

1:04:06

work. I picked him up in

1:04:08

nine degrees the other morning said Christi who also

1:04:10

learned that he used to ride a bike until

1:04:12

he got hit by a car." So

1:04:14

Bill's been through some shit. Yeah he is. But

1:04:16

Christi has her own family and couldn't always be

1:04:18

there so she started a Facebook group to seek

1:04:21

other volunteers who could give him a lift. Mr.

1:04:24

Bill's village soon attracted over a thousand

1:04:26

members who wanted to keep an eye

1:04:28

out for the man walking in camouflage

1:04:30

jacket at sunset. Like just peeling

1:04:32

out. I was your first! Demo derby to get

1:04:34

Bill. They're fucking like they're fighting Bill's just standing

1:04:36

there in his fucking camouflage jacket. He's

1:04:38

like waiting to see who wins so he can

1:04:40

go home. Well he can't see who wins though

1:04:42

right? Well legally blind but he's gotta be able

1:04:44

to see a little something. There's a lot of

1:04:47

good people in the world all over this place

1:04:49

Bill told Steve Harmon and

1:04:52

his CBS news crew who recently visited

1:04:55

Kabut, Arkansas

1:04:58

to tell this heartwarming story. I'm

1:05:00

glad that Steve Harmon and his crew made the news article.

1:05:02

That was really cool that they made sure that his name

1:05:04

was in there like that was important that we had to

1:05:06

make sure that Bill talked to

1:05:08

Steve Harmon okay over there at

1:05:10

the CBS news crew. Yeah right. Yeah get his

1:05:13

profile. Yeah that's really great Steve. I'm happy. And

1:05:15

they put a link to his profile. Let's go

1:05:17

ahead and see where that goes. Let's see where

1:05:19

it goes. Oh for ye-

1:05:21

oh only fans. He just goes to another

1:05:23

article about it. But this one's

1:05:26

by Steve Harmon. Ah yeah. It

1:05:28

is! I was kidding. Oh

1:05:31

what a fucking tool. Just

1:05:34

help people. Yeah it's like yeah we gotta make

1:05:36

sure we get the story out but most importantly

1:05:38

we've got to make sure that I got this

1:05:41

story out. God I mean it's a feature piece

1:05:43

and I get it and you're linking around but

1:05:45

God man news articles with

1:05:47

the credit stuff. First reported

1:05:49

by WPHT Philadelphia. A story

1:05:51

you'll see only on only

1:05:53

on KSLY4 News Now with

1:05:58

Dennis Patchin. Is he still No,

1:06:00

no, who's there now and he was a sports guy

1:06:02

Derek dice. He's still going. Yeah, he's fucking it Smoked

1:06:05

in right now to let go. Yeah, dude. Shout out

1:06:08

to D. I like D dice. I grew up with

1:06:10

him Yeah, good guy. Good guy. All right,

1:06:12

let's take a look at his brother Keep

1:06:15

going. Yeah, my

1:06:17

sister my cousin played Ball

1:06:20

with him. Yeah, I'm gonna sports with him.

1:06:22

Oh, I've known him a whole life. Yeah,

1:06:24

and then I worked with him Yeah, yeah,

1:06:26

which is pretty crazy. Yeah wild work with

1:06:29

his wife first And

1:06:31

then he came on board who's the

1:06:33

wife I'm not gonna name everybody I

1:06:36

know her name, but I'm not gonna The

1:06:48

internet is pretty wild Depending on

1:06:50

your browsing habits, you can either

1:06:53

experience something super cool or go

1:06:55

to prison crazy, right?

1:06:58

Let's check it out together as

1:07:00

a couple. Hey look what I

1:07:02

found I

1:07:05

felt like Esteban right there. Uh,

1:07:08

what remember the the late night? Infomercial

1:07:10

with Esteban was selling his acoustic crack

1:07:13

nail Yeah

1:07:16

nylon strings. Yeah, it was

1:07:18

no no. No, it was no it's just like a

1:07:20

cheap Like an epiphone type

1:07:22

of but it was Esteban brand or whatever.

1:07:24

I remember was nice But uh, yeah, that's

1:07:26

what I felt like right taking for a

1:07:28

walk. Yeah This

1:07:32

is a custom tailor that I'm gonna take home

1:07:35

with me, but you're not taking that yeah No,

1:07:37

I mean me five grand. Yeah, don't let him

1:07:39

take that five grand. Maybe five

1:07:41

grand, maybe maybe and Now

1:07:44

I'll just come steal it back. I play guitars that sounded

1:07:47

better than that. There weren't five grand. No, you haven't

1:07:51

You haven't brought nothing into the recording studio. That's

1:07:54

true. And that thing has old ass strings on

1:07:56

it Yeah, and put some new it

1:07:58

already sounds I'm telling

1:08:00

you can we in the show so I can play it This

1:08:03

was sent in by our daughter amber, okay? Like

1:08:06

clearly some kind of spoof joke, but it is out

1:08:08

there, and I want people know about it I like

1:08:10

when amber calls me daddy Cuz

1:08:12

it's my wife I

1:08:15

like when my daughter's my wife, but it's my

1:08:17

favorite part about being a dad My

1:08:21

favorite part of being about an uncle is having a wife

1:08:23

as a daughter I Say

1:08:28

you know Ouija boards yeah, you

1:08:30

ever thought about why they get don't have the opposite

1:08:32

like a Holy Spirit board I Know

1:08:36

I guess I didn't well. I thought they were but

1:08:38

I thought I mean think about it You're like. I

1:08:40

don't know contacting the dead and then

1:08:42

there's this crazy demonic connotation with

1:08:46

Ouija boards, but they don't why does it have

1:08:48

to be scary? It doesn't have to be scary

1:08:50

and introducing all it is is someone that you're

1:08:52

doing with moving it around Don't

1:08:54

okay. Don't get into the science of it.

1:08:56

Okay, right. Oh, yeah, don't bring science into

1:08:59

anything I want everybody thinking this

1:09:01

is on Amazon and for only 29 95 2995

1:09:06

you can get the Holy Spirit board and it

1:09:08

says communicate directly with Jesus Christ that

1:09:11

picture of Jesus It looks like a miss feller. He

1:09:13

looks like he's in like he meant like a villain

1:09:15

and he man. He does Yeah,

1:09:18

that's what Skeletor looks underneath

1:09:20

his mm-hmm skeleton I'll

1:09:25

be back Hi,

1:09:27

goodbye Jesus. Yeah, but it comes at

1:09:29

the plant jet is a cross and

1:09:32

then it has a bunch of symbols

1:09:35

on it oh God,

1:09:37

and then there's Jesus on a cross.

1:09:39

Yeah hanging with Jesus. Yes. No, and

1:09:41

then the bottom he just says goodbye

1:09:43

Jesus Like you're just

1:09:45

getting off a pleasant chat. Mmm

1:09:48

little phone call Not

1:09:50

my favorite. I mean not that I'm

1:09:52

not gonna buy it obviously jokes,

1:09:54

right? Mmm. It doesn't have great

1:09:57

reviews. Yeah And

1:10:00

some of them are great and some of them are just,

1:10:03

I'll read them, ready? So

1:10:05

Bobby writes, never worked Ouija boards or spirit

1:10:08

boxes, never worked. Okay,

1:10:10

he missed the punctuation. Ouija

1:10:12

boards or spirit boxes work better,

1:10:14

like the PSB7 spirit box. I

1:10:17

don't know why, and then two people found that helpful. They're

1:10:20

like, oh yeah, dude! I mean, I was thinking. That's

1:10:22

what I was gonna say. I was thinking this was

1:10:25

a waste of money, but. No, I don't need to

1:10:27

write the review. I'm gonna use that 29.95. It

1:10:30

was a PDS7 spirit box. I'm just gonna give that

1:10:32

straight to the church. It's just sent in by

1:10:34

a K. It is a waste of money and

1:10:37

it's just a joke. It makes fun

1:10:39

of all religions. Okay,

1:10:42

take a joke. I don't know, but 20 people found

1:10:44

it helpful. Jerry wrote,

1:10:46

I carefully read the reviews before getting

1:10:48

the product and I based

1:10:50

the reviews on my purchase. I was hoping I'd be

1:10:52

able to talk to Jesus and so far nothing. This

1:10:55

is so disappointing. All I keep getting is some

1:10:57

raspy voice, man. 555

1:11:00

people found it helpful. They

1:11:03

got the joke, so that's good. So

1:11:06

at least they got it. Oh, just raspy. He's

1:11:09

just trying to talk to Jesus. This one guy

1:11:11

keeps sneaking in a fucking way! This guy that

1:11:13

smells like a, or fucking, he pops

1:11:15

in. He's like, hello, you looking for me?

1:11:17

Get out of the way, I'm out of the way! I'm looking for

1:11:19

Jesus! Take your cigarette and get out

1:11:21

of here. I mean, I could point you in the right direction.

1:11:25

I mean, just say it. I know the guy,

1:11:27

I've met him. I've met him! Get out of the fucking

1:11:29

way! I used to hang with Jesus! This isn't Jesus! This

1:11:33

is one says, this is very disappointing on

1:11:35

all levels. It is very misleading to anyone

1:11:37

who does not. Disgusting. Oh, very disgusting, sorry.

1:11:39

On all levels, it is very misleading to

1:11:41

anyone who does not know Jesus or how

1:11:43

to truly get to him. Yeah,

1:11:46

but you know the way, don't you? You are leading

1:11:48

people straight to haze. All just

1:11:50

to make a few bucks. It's probably wise to stop

1:11:53

selling these. What? Yeah,

1:11:55

I'm sure they're feeling really...

1:11:58

He's up at night. like babe I

1:12:00

don't know it seems like we're having a

1:12:02

lot of bad luck lately think I should pull the Holy Spirit

1:12:04

board off Amazon she's like

1:12:07

I don't she's all put taking the jewelry off and putting

1:12:09

a little buck I don't know I think they've been going

1:12:11

pretty well I thought I think we're going pretty good I

1:12:14

think we should ask the spirit he puts his hands

1:12:16

on the on the cross planchette and

1:12:18

it just like moves around like should I stop

1:12:20

and just like his wife no no goodbye Jesus

1:12:22

well that was easy all right well he just

1:12:24

pulls it back up guess

1:12:30

I'll keep getting money yeah good night

1:12:33

yes Jesus will talk to you but this game is

1:12:36

totally not needed at all if you

1:12:38

want to talk to Jesus just say his name and talk to him

1:12:41

hey Jesus where you at you don't need a

1:12:43

stupid board yeah talk to

1:12:45

Jesus just call him up

1:12:48

you're crazy you're crazy sitting here

1:12:50

with your silly board just

1:12:52

talk to the sky

1:12:55

not gonna get into you gotta get

1:12:57

on your knees that's how it works God

1:12:59

has provided a wonderful way to talk with

1:13:01

God's self and hear God's voice it's called

1:13:03

prayer it's free don't need you to

1:13:06

sit in silence to hear a quiet

1:13:08

voice no glossy board needed just

1:13:12

missing the point oh yeah

1:13:14

well yeah there's obviously yeah I

1:13:17

mean very upset they clearly have

1:13:19

it all figured out you

1:13:21

just all you gotta do is just you're doing

1:13:24

it all wrong hey Jesus what you doing out

1:13:26

there in that you're doing it all wrong what

1:13:28

you need to do is go to a special

1:13:30

building you put money into this

1:13:32

thing and then you eat Jesus

1:13:35

you don't need a board you fucking

1:13:37

idiot you just have to eat his

1:13:39

body just go to the building talk

1:13:42

to the guy in the robe give

1:13:44

the money eat the bread and talk

1:13:46

to the feeling that's how you talk

1:13:48

to Jesus you'll be

1:13:50

a glossy fucking board when

1:13:53

do I do this mmm only on Sunday

1:13:55

and then one Wednesday

1:13:57

out of the year mm-hmm right just go Wait,

1:14:00

rub a little dirt on your face. Mm-hmm. Anyway,

1:14:03

it's available on Amazon if you want it. Here

1:14:05

from the kids. I kinda wanna hear more

1:14:07

reviews. I mean, it's more of the

1:14:09

same. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's

1:14:11

more of, oh my God, you don't

1:14:13

know what you're doing. Just

1:14:16

get rid of this board and talk

1:14:19

to the wall! Stop wasting your time and

1:14:21

your money when you can

1:14:23

just talk to him yourself! It's,

1:14:25

you know what, this is $29.95, you

1:14:27

know what, $3, talking to Jesus! Well,

1:14:32

it's more of that. That's assuming you

1:14:34

have Amazon Prime, though. And you have

1:14:36

free shipping. And you're obviously the right

1:14:38

religion, duh. Right. Yeah. Everyone

1:14:41

just can't talk to this guy. Okay. Do

1:14:43

you have a Hindu board? Probably. Made

1:14:45

by the same guy. Yeah, oh, he's

1:14:47

on board. He just makes all, what's

1:14:49

the Allah? What's the, uh, uh,

1:14:52

what's their prophet? Muhammad. Muhammad.

1:14:55

Yeah. Mahatma. Mahatma,

1:14:58

Muhammad, Gandhi. Mm-hmm. Whatever.

1:15:00

Uh, okay, kids, we have some, we have

1:15:02

some good ones. Some emails. Mm. Alright,

1:15:05

ready? Cool. Alright,

1:15:08

let's hear what you

1:15:10

guys think. Really? You want to

1:15:12

talk to me? Wow,

1:15:15

that's cool. Whoo. And

1:15:18

just real quick to recap on that, obviously

1:15:20

it sounds like we're just bashing on

1:15:22

Jesus. No, I know. But

1:15:25

that's not the point of that. The point of

1:15:27

it is to call out people saying how ridiculous

1:15:29

one thing is, but doing

1:15:31

something else that equally is ridiculous. Yeah.

1:15:34

Yeah. Or not. I

1:15:36

don't care. I mean, I'm spiritual as well. I

1:15:38

just don't think that everyone needs to believe the same thing I do. Oh.

1:15:45

I just like, I'll do my thing. You do yours. And

1:15:48

don't be like, that's fucking crazy. Here's

1:15:50

what you need to do. And then put

1:15:52

on magic underpants. People are wacko, dude. Look at,

1:15:54

they go to church three days a week. It's

1:15:57

fucking stupid. That's crazy. You don't have to go to church.

1:15:59

go twice a year. All you

1:16:01

gotta do is just give a

1:16:04

bunch of money and then not go. The more

1:16:07

money you give the more free time you have. Everyone

1:16:10

knows that. Okay,

1:16:12

our first email was sent anonymously.

1:16:15

Okay. What a word. It says, Hey

1:16:18

Brian and Joe. Oh hello. I'm

1:16:21

listening to pacemaker foam finger

1:16:23

ginger neck brace. When

1:16:25

I heard you read the resume, I

1:16:28

immediately knew you needed to see this.

1:16:30

This was submitted at a retail store

1:16:32

I worked at in college over 10

1:16:34

years ago. I've kept it all these

1:16:36

years because still makes me laugh. Keep

1:16:39

me anonymous because I don't know if

1:16:41

it's legal to keep the resume

1:16:43

for entertainment purposes. Luke

1:16:46

Warmregards Jane Doe. Perfect. Oh,

1:16:48

don't say your name Jane. Oh, come

1:16:51

on. Keep it away. Okay, let me see if I can see this.

1:16:54

Can you pull that up? There's that. I didn't

1:16:56

scratch out his name because his name was so

1:17:01

has to be common. I don't think there's no way you're finding this guy.

1:17:04

We'll just call him Scott. Okay. How about that?

1:17:06

Yeah. My name is Scott, but

1:17:08

everyone calls me Scotty. This

1:17:12

is on a resume. My

1:17:14

D-O-B-U date of birth is

1:17:16

Wednesday, December 13th, 1978. At

1:17:20

8 14 pm, I'm now 30 years old. God,

1:17:26

dude, you could have left out some of these.

1:17:28

All of these. I'm

1:17:30

single with no kids, but someday married

1:17:33

with two or four kids. And

1:17:35

in eight years, I plan to be married with two

1:17:38

and a half kids. Preferably

1:17:41

to a model. She's

1:17:43

going to like, and she's going to want to

1:17:45

have sex like three times a day. I'm not married right now and I

1:17:47

have no kids, but someday for sure going to be married to a model

1:17:50

and have two to four kids and have sex all the time on a

1:17:52

boat. It's

1:17:55

on my board. All right, Scotty. Scotty,

1:17:58

don't. and

1:18:00

leisure activities are going to church, celebration

1:18:03

church, working with my hands

1:18:05

in arts and crafts, pencil,

1:18:08

metals and woods, camping, fishing,

1:18:10

nature walks, traveling to the

1:18:13

coast, seeing movies and collecting

1:18:15

DVDs because I care

1:18:17

about the future. And hanging

1:18:20

with my family and friends, playing TTRPGs.

1:18:24

What's that? TTRPGs? Tactical, I don't

1:18:26

know. RPGs but I think role-playing.

1:18:29

Some sort of TT. More precise

1:18:32

version of RPGs. What's an

1:18:34

MMO game? I don't know. Zach

1:18:37

seems like something you'd know. It's like multiple

1:18:39

player online or something. I don't remember. Okay.

1:18:42

Mass multi? Maybe. Okay.

1:18:45

Like War... Warlock? World

1:18:47

of Warcraft. There it

1:18:50

is. I remember. Warlock?

1:18:53

People started saying like I'm playing RPGs and

1:18:55

playing D&Cs and all these. I'm like I

1:18:58

don't understand what you're saying. No, no, do I get a gun?

1:19:00

I know. I played all

1:19:02

the games but I didn't know they

1:19:04

had names for them. Okay. So MMO

1:19:06

games. Playing computer games and

1:19:09

console games. Churches on Saturdays at

1:19:11

5pm to 10... 5 hours on

1:19:13

Saturday and Sundays

1:19:19

at 8am to 12pm and

1:19:22

10am to 2pm.

1:19:24

Yep, that gives you the location. If you want to

1:19:26

join. 284

1:19:30

Shaw Avenue. Anybody want to Google

1:19:32

that can look that up? I'm a fast

1:19:35

learner if I am shown. Not just talked

1:19:38

about and pointed at. I work

1:19:43

well with others. I like working with my

1:19:45

hands. I said that already. I like challenges

1:19:47

and learning new and I'm

1:19:49

very patient. Overall a good

1:19:51

person to work with. Listen, no period. And

1:19:56

he's got a list of references too.

1:19:58

I think just a... This

1:20:00

is a perfect example of no one

1:20:02

cares. Perfect example of this guy.

1:20:05

Something's wrong. Yeah, he's, yeah.

1:20:07

This is like his first time. Yeah, applying to

1:20:10

a job, he goes, God, what do they need

1:20:12

to know? Now, what can you bring to our

1:20:14

business? Well, I go to church. I

1:20:16

go, well, I know one thing, and church

1:20:18

is on Saturdays and Sundays, and

1:20:21

I love computer games. Can you work

1:20:23

weekends? Like, I just refer to my

1:20:25

church schedule. I imagine him having

1:20:27

this conversation with an employee, just

1:20:29

going over all this shit, and then that guy's like,

1:20:31

uh-huh, uh-huh, and he goes, all right,

1:20:34

so hand me the box of avocados. We gotta put them

1:20:36

over here. He's like, okay. After

1:20:39

going through this huge thing of all the

1:20:41

things he loves, he goes, that's crazy, go get the

1:20:43

dolly. We

1:20:46

gotta move some heavy boxes. Okay, sorry.

1:20:50

All right, our second email coming in from our

1:20:53

son who wanted to go by Go and Postal.

1:20:56

And that all makes sense to me in just a second. He

1:20:58

writes, what the fuck is up, you dumb cunt? That's

1:21:00

a great way to start a thing. Well, I don't

1:21:02

know how to start this, so fuck it. Here we

1:21:04

go. So around 2011, I

1:21:07

was a wee lad at the age of 16. I

1:21:10

got four lower-bull tickets to a Utah

1:21:12

Jazz game. So naturally,

1:21:15

whoever gets to go better

1:21:17

be providing something, transportation or mind-altering substances,

1:21:19

basically. Oh, I thought he was like

1:21:22

sexual. My

1:21:24

homie got his hands on,

1:21:27

till this day and many other trips

1:21:29

later, the best fucking acid I'll

1:21:32

probably ever get to try. Acid,

1:21:34

basketball game, fucking buckle up.

1:21:37

As we embark on this journey, we take our hits.

1:21:40

Too sober, too fucked up was a good

1:21:42

ratio of responsibility in our minds. Anyways,

1:21:45

as we get there and we're both

1:21:47

fucking peeking, side note, the

1:21:49

Jazz Bear was my neighbor at the time, so

1:21:52

I shouldn't realize I'd get fucked

1:21:54

with this scene. I

1:21:57

should've realized I'd get fucked with scenes.

1:21:59

Yeah, God. He read this yeah, Jesus

1:22:01

little I think I said those words you didn't make

1:22:03

sense Okay, little

1:22:05

did I know it was some fucking mascot

1:22:07

night where they had other teams mascots and

1:22:09

shit Cue in the picture of the

1:22:12

fucking at this asshole of a mascot FYI

1:22:14

those things coming out of his nose or

1:22:16

those birthday extender fucking things you blow in

1:22:20

Yeah, we get to our seats and

1:22:22

maybe like the second quarter We get fucking blasted

1:22:24

with silly string by the jazz bear when this

1:22:26

motherfucker taps me on the shoulder a robot a

1:22:28

row behind me And I totally almost fucking

1:22:30

fell on the dude in front of me

1:22:33

I wasn't prepared for the face to face

1:22:35

with the neon dragon Give me a break

1:22:38

as I pick myself up I tell this fucker to

1:22:40

leave me alone or I quote

1:22:42

well fucking deck you deck you Oh,

1:22:45

dude, I haven't heard that in so long. It's

1:22:47

a good one. You deck you fucking deck you

1:22:49

nerd Well,

1:22:51

he didn't take his take this hint Unfortunately for

1:22:53

him because in the third quarter this asshole sneaks

1:22:55

up on me in the line while I was

1:22:58

getting a drink and some Shit and uses the

1:23:00

same MO is last time taps me on my shoulder

1:23:02

and I shit you not I swung

1:23:04

around and fucking deck this neon dragon

1:23:06

piece of shit in the fucking nose

1:23:09

Faster than you can say hiccup You

1:23:15

can say perfect nigga For

1:23:18

your past you say Mississippi, but he's like no,

1:23:20

it was faster than that. Yeah, what's a word?

1:23:22

It's not too short, but okay.

1:23:24

What's the word word? Yeah, not

1:23:27

gonna lie best punch in my life I'm not

1:23:29

ashamed to say it so naturally security and all

1:23:31

this shit comes to swoop me away It is

1:23:33

this Colin there was this email But

1:23:35

the best part is since I knew the fucking

1:23:37

jazz bear he vouch for me saying I warned

1:23:39

him earlier So I guess didn't get to see

1:23:42

the last quarter instead of an assault charge

1:23:44

win win for me Little

1:23:46

did I know I'd soberly break my

1:23:48

nose on the fucking free-throw line three

1:23:50

weeks later doing a fucking dumbass hamburger

1:23:52

relay race But

1:23:57

I got a 30 bucks to Wendy's so there's that

1:24:01

Just call me going postal and

1:24:03

if you want more or any more tripping stories

1:24:05

I've got demon possessed girlfriend on acid jail night

1:24:07

or Giving random people

1:24:09

who warned some who wanted some

1:24:11

acid on a train the next fucking day

1:24:13

story I want the girlfriend acid and if

1:24:15

you need if you need a reminder of what

1:24:18

the mascot he's talking about is On

1:24:23

acid That's

1:24:25

probably what he saw around that that

1:24:27

would be terrifying. Yeah, I'd punch it

1:24:30

You know, it's so great about that It's what

1:24:32

we talked about before when people are dressed up

1:24:34

in costume and then real life happens Yeah, so

1:24:36

I just picture like this cut the cops and

1:24:38

they're taking down things and it's

1:24:40

him and then like a mascot He's like nah,

1:24:43

dude. He's cool. He's cool. He's with me. Did

1:24:45

he get a story, right? Birthday

1:24:50

party horns out the nose Any

1:24:52

of that yesterday to two blows for a yes

1:24:55

one for now Won't

1:25:01

snap out of character Yo, sir,

1:25:03

this is serious. Yeah, like that man over

1:25:05

there like he's knocked on

1:25:07

conscious. You got fucking deck sir You

1:25:09

can say hiccup Dude,

1:25:12

he got decked in the cosset. Yeah, dude.

1:25:15

This guy got decked so hard. I need

1:25:17

you To be I need

1:25:19

you to be serious. He looks back all you hear

1:25:21

is like sneakers like squeaks. He's doing the running man Like

1:25:26

going like this Sure,

1:25:30

and he just don't need

1:25:32

like just lifts up a t-shirt I

1:25:52

Kored or the shirt knocks popcorn

1:25:54

out of some easy walk. Thank

1:25:56

you grab this fucking All

1:26:00

right, that's it. It's

1:26:06

the wall of confetti. Please

1:26:11

throw them up against the wall. Can't get the cuss on him. Trying

1:26:14

to cop him when he's doing the worm. Those

1:26:19

inflatable mascot costumes like the T-Rex. Oh, man.

1:26:21

That's funny to picture someone running for their

1:26:24

life in an inflatable costume because

1:26:26

it's just going flop and forward and back.

1:26:28

The one where the aliens carry the person.

1:26:31

Stop those two people. That

1:26:35

guy, whatever. Stop

1:26:37

off the top part. He's

1:26:41

just fucking running so fast. Oh,

1:26:44

my God. It's funny. All right.

1:26:47

Well, that's show 93. Fucking

1:26:49

loved it. If you want to be part of

1:26:51

the gaggle, the party keeps going.

1:26:53

Us and these Hawaiian, these matching Hawaiian sweaters are going

1:26:56

to keep rocking. I'm going to flip my head around.

1:26:59

patreon.com/can you don't podcast. Go find a

1:27:01

tier that's right for you. We

1:27:03

got our socials. We got the YouTube version. You know

1:27:05

where to find us and then something you want to

1:27:07

see on the show. Send it in to hey guys,

1:27:10

it can't you don't podcast.com and rate and review us

1:27:12

wherever you listen to. Send us a hit

1:27:15

up our beeper. Yeah. If you got

1:27:17

something to say, page it in. We'll find a, find a page on

1:27:19

dude. We got this phone right

1:27:21

here and it's linked right up to it.

1:27:23

Thanks to uncle Zach producing today's show and

1:27:25

all the shows. Love you. Love you. Check

1:27:27

out everything that Zach's doing over at scat

1:27:29

cast.com. That is scat with a

1:27:31

K. He's a scat man. It

1:27:33

makes the babysitter to moderate the can you

1:27:35

don't playground on the Facebook. Fun

1:27:38

spot. I got a, I got

1:27:40

to tell you guys about something to wrap up the

1:27:42

show. Good God. Wrap

1:27:46

it up already. Did

1:27:49

you know? Oh man. That's

1:27:51

not going to link. Hold on. Let me

1:27:53

see if I can. I'm going

1:27:55

to try and mute it and then see if it pops up and

1:27:57

I can just bring this over to YouTube because okay, there we go.

1:28:00

Whoa, what's me? Fuck me. Okay,

1:28:02

don't look. Oh, here, just like

1:28:04

make noises. I love you. I

1:28:06

love you. Okay, great. Thank

1:28:08

you. So, this is

1:28:10

in a tiny festival, or it's a

1:28:12

festival that happens in this tiny town

1:28:14

in Spain. Crast-Rillo

1:28:17

de Murcia. And

1:28:20

it's a baby jumping festival. Mmm.

1:28:23

Uh, in short,

1:28:26

just from traditions and how weird things get.

1:28:28

As is tradition. As is tradition, they have

1:28:31

grown ass men that dress up as devils.

1:28:34

Mmm. Uh, and then all of

1:28:36

the babies that were born in the last year get

1:28:38

lined up in the street and they just jump over

1:28:40

babies. Mmm. Haha.

1:28:42

And the headline for this YouTube

1:28:44

video says dangerous baby jumping festival?

1:28:47

It's not, what? What if they fucking dangerous? What if

1:28:50

they also let a bull out? Oh, now they mixed

1:28:52

it with the running of the bull. That'd be one.

1:28:55

Look at this. Sick. Look

1:28:58

at all the people there. Yeah. Is that the

1:29:00

other town? Yep. Oh,

1:29:03

nice fucking... I thought... They could

1:29:05

line up all these babies in there

1:29:07

all in their Sunday days. They're not

1:29:09

even babies. Well, they're within

1:29:11

a year. Oh, yeah. You

1:29:14

got tiny ones. What if you get all the

1:29:16

people? I know. I mean, look at that kid

1:29:18

just exhausted and just jumped over. Mmm-hmm.

1:29:21

But what? How funny. Oh, I'll jump her

1:29:24

baby. Look. Haha. There's

1:29:28

no expression on that guy's face. How hungover do you think he is? Haha.

1:29:31

Oh. He

1:29:33

almost didn't make that last one. Can you

1:29:35

imagine how much trouble you'd get him if you kicked a baby? I

1:29:38

mean, isn't that part of the risk? Like you...

1:29:41

I don't know. You know, like when I went out and I

1:29:43

was, you know, I used to jump those... parking meters,

1:29:46

right? Yeah. Like I used to get crazy.

1:29:48

Yeah, we know. Drinking booze,

1:29:50

jumping meters. Jumping

1:29:52

meters. And I, you know,

1:29:54

you'd make a few and then that last one you're kind

1:29:57

of getting tired. Mmm-hmm. So I would want to put my

1:29:59

baby... In the last one I would

1:30:01

want to be like maybe the third or fourth You're

1:30:03

just getting into that rhythm you feeling good, but

1:30:05

Josh draws for the baby placement Yeah, if you

1:30:08

the shortest draw has the

1:30:10

last place Geysers beat

1:30:12

by that time legs are done. I might depends

1:30:14

on how many babies were born to like to

1:30:16

think about Like

1:30:18

this lady who just doesn't want to risk it

1:30:20

and she's about to she's trying

1:30:22

to hold out giving birth Just

1:30:25

to get into the next count right here. So

1:30:27

that's a footer baby in the street Yeah,

1:30:29

I mean like this. It's the first baby of

1:30:31

that year. So it's born and the doctor just

1:30:34

goes We're heading down to the baby festival and

1:30:36

you're like, can I see my babies like right after the

1:30:38

day? I read over right after the devil right the devil

1:30:40

jumps over and dawg you fucking idiot snaps you back the

1:30:42

umbilical cord like throws It back at her You're

1:30:45

you're gonna with that over your hold this will be

1:30:47

right back This runs out with your fucking baby make

1:30:50

sure it gets down to the good jumped over by the devil Make

1:30:53

sure hey make sure she's sewn up. We don't want

1:30:55

her bleeding out I'm gonna take her baby down to

1:30:57

jump over you baby. I mean, you know, we have

1:30:59

to it's a thing So tradition tradition

1:31:01

not gonna not get your baby jumped over

1:31:03

by you want to be the only

1:31:05

baby that didn't get jumped over What if that's that's

1:31:07

like your legacy's there in like high school They have

1:31:09

a stuck in his and outcast is like oh he

1:31:12

would be part of this class But he didn't get

1:31:14

jumped over by the devil. I fucking

1:31:16

I mean bad parenting. If you ask me, right?

1:31:18

He's getting bullied. They were late. They're running late

1:31:20

to the baby jumping festival We

1:31:23

had cotton traffic the kids just like sitting in

1:31:25

bag and the parents are fighting up front Tran

1:31:27

just on you trying to get this baby jump Oh

1:31:29

you had you could have went you could have taken

1:31:32

a shit Oh, but right as we're leaving now you

1:31:34

got to take a shit. Well, you had to curl

1:31:36

your hair just drifting

1:31:38

around corners You

1:31:40

this is on you It's not you this

1:31:43

kid's not getting jumped over today Like

1:31:45

trying to run to the back of the line with your baby throw

1:31:47

on the last sofa Okay

1:31:49

ridiculous fighting over that

1:31:51

like ruining marriage All

1:31:54

right. Well, that's it bonus stuff. We'll keep going.

1:31:56

If not, we'll see you guys next week. All

1:31:58

right then fuck you Bang