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Fiance. Chess. Safety

1:01

meeting. Remember

1:19

Randy Moss? Yeah.

1:23

Man, good. My hands on that fella. Yeah. My

1:26

fast too. Set of

1:29

hands on that guy. How

1:32

you doing, Joe? I'm doing okay. You doing all

1:34

right. I'm tired. You sound... I slept. I

1:37

got a little something going on. The kiddos

1:39

were sick this past weekend. One

1:42

was pretty sick and I think

1:44

it's catching up to me. Woke

1:46

up at like two or three o'clock

1:48

in the morning last night and I was like,

1:50

oh no. How did Pretty get thrown in that?

1:53

I'm pretty sick. Well, you know, you look good

1:55

while you're sick. While I'm sitting up. I'm pretty

1:57

sick. Oh, I see. You know what I mean?

2:00

Gorgeously yeah, yeah, we're just we sick. Yeah, we're at

2:02

we're joking around about that before we started record today

2:05

Because at the moment that

2:07

we record episode 84 it

2:09

is dumping snow in beautiful

2:12

downtown Spokane yeah, we're about

2:14

to get Half

2:17

of half of snow the rapper

2:19

snow. What are we gonna use inches? Yeah 12

2:22

inches of snow Uh-huh like the past is saying like 24

2:24

to 38 with 50 mile an hour winds Just

2:28

like oh my god. I'm so pumped. I'm not going to

2:30

go can't get here Yeah,

2:34

I've been staring at my weather app and

2:36

it's like For 10 the 10-day

2:38

forecast is 80 81 81 81 82 chance

2:40

of rain 86 you like I'll take it I'll

2:45

take it. Yeah, it's nice to

2:47

break it up. Ah 10% chance of rain. Yeah Fuck

2:51

this vacation. No, you're joking around about Just

2:54

switching out like one word on common things

2:56

like dumping snow and like people say it

2:59

super aggressively Like dude,

3:01

it is absolutely shitting. Mm-hmm outside.

3:03

You're like, it's just an Explosion

3:06

of snow. Yeah, it is diarrhea

3:09

from the sky right now outside and you're like,

3:11

what are you fucking talking about? God is shitting

3:14

his brain. Oh God had talked

3:16

about look outside. Oh Like

3:18

yeah, you're going really fast and you say hauling

3:20

ass But you can switch it to hauling dick.

3:23

Mm-hmm. And why is that so funny? I do

3:25

that one. Yeah dick is funny words like to

3:27

that was hauling dick to Safeway Mm-hmm. I was

3:29

picking up some fucking corn dogs a whole wagon

3:32

a dick Barrels,

3:34

huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it just

3:36

throw in a sexual orifice. Yeah Driving

3:41

what clitoris

3:44

Volvo no the Volvo. Yeah German

3:48

made. Mm-hmm. All right hauling puss

3:53

They're getting your fast all puss. Yeah,

3:55

dude, you need to haul puss over

3:57

real quick your grandma's grandma. She's asking

4:00

For you you need to all put your grandma's dog get

4:02

the whole place over here Alright

4:04

for cats how fast for fucking cat dude

4:06

that she wants to see your cat Like

4:09

you're trying to get like one last morning Is

4:14

it the speed limit how fast is a bus All

4:18

right, Joe, let's hop into this. Yeah, let's get going. Well,

4:20

we'll you know about the patreon stuff. It's like Well, I

4:22

got it. I was gonna do it. I'm gonna use it

4:24

or something like samurai Just

4:28

good. No, I'm gonna try something a little more up. I know

4:30

I know which one you use Yeah,

4:33

okay Well,

4:36

how much patreon content do we have in

4:38

there now like whatever's after Fucking

4:42

a push load of dick a lot

4:44

of dick on some Thick

4:47

and heavy in there if you want if you

4:49

want to get your hands on some dick Mmm

4:51

in a push head on over to a center

4:53

for patreon. Yeah, please do you know how you

4:56

do that Wow? How

4:58

do you do that? dot

5:01

com Ford

5:03

flash can you do a podcast? Www

5:06

the worldwide blend well, hey, oh well, and if

5:08

you want to see some content on the show

5:10

We're gonna say hey guys, can you do go

5:12

bud? calm whoa

5:15

fucking Nailed

5:18

it You're so pumped to

5:20

do it. What happened? I was kneeling puss the

5:23

whole time I we

5:25

had How many geez excuse

5:27

me? How many episodes back was it where

5:30

we had the the petty beef

5:32

about the wife that? Made

5:34

the husband say please I don't remember cuz we're

5:36

recording ahead of time in this episode. So it

5:38

could have been I mean I think it was

5:41

Marzia. Yeah, I think it was six years ago.

5:43

Yeah. No. Yeah She wrote in about the guy

5:45

the guy would she would say please please like

5:47

you honey. Give me some water What do you

5:50

say? Use your what's the magic word and make

5:52

make your grown ass husband be like, please get

5:54

me a glass of water I'm descending. Yeah, so

5:56

she wrote in she said good afternoon. My husband

5:58

sent a petty beef Regarding saying please I just

6:01

need to let you know that I started to

6:03

do this to help our children But when I

6:05

noticed it bothered him I started

6:07

doing it all the time because it was

6:09

funny and enjoyable to watch him be Uncomfortable

6:11

saying please thank you Diana. Yeah,

6:13

I approve Yeah, I just make it a

6:16

score anytime you do something to fuck with

6:18

somebody I'm gonna make them mad so fun

6:20

Mm-hmm, especially when like they're legally bound to

6:22

you and they can't leave. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I

6:25

just look like anytime like Someone

6:27

gives you that that that power

6:31

Cuz they're like I do something that pisses you

6:33

off. Don't tell me piss you off cuz

6:35

I'm gonna do it just Imagining the

6:37

thing honey. I want divorce What

6:40

do you say? I want a

6:42

divorce, please? Okay.

6:44

All right good. No the answer is

6:46

no but good job using

6:49

your using your big big words Thank you

6:51

for using your big kind words around our

6:53

children Chitlins you child as

6:55

Zach would say speak it as Zach. Hey,

6:57

hey, Zach. Hey, yeah, hey man Hey,

7:01

how you doing, buddy? Well, okay, you're all covered in snow

7:03

when you came in. Yeah, I feel like this Bombing

7:05

them out but the wolf snowman. Nice. That's

7:08

great. I should we haul some

7:10

puts right into the show? Yeah. All right Well,

7:12

you've done everything Well, I

7:14

was like plow like a snow plow some

7:16

puts into the show plus the person of

7:18

the show. Yeah Hey

7:27

So I figured if I'm gonna do it it's

7:29

gonna be you know, you got to do it.

7:31

Yeah, like a cannibal corpse What

7:38

are we doing today Joe we're doing a would you

7:40

rather okay this

7:42

this was One

7:44

I found on the internets. Okay, I

7:47

remember that the internet. Yeah the internet

7:49

circle what whips It's a cool place.

7:51

I was on Netscape navigator. Hmm. I

7:53

found this Okay,

7:56

would you rather Come

7:58

randomly in public for the rest?

8:00

the of your life arrays or

8:02

never be able to. Come.

8:04

Again, com at all as

8:06

all. To. Get rid of

8:08

what mean that would solve a lot of issues? Is.

8:11

The way that men are wired. It

8:14

in might have been seen com dia.

8:16

holy shit somebody's more hours a day

8:18

but. Don't you think that?

8:21

That. Urge to Jesus like a Reason

8:23

You do. You're motivated to do things

8:25

like yes, I think that for lot

8:28

of guys that you want to go

8:30

out and get a high paying job,

8:32

he wants the nice things we want

8:34

to attract a Draymond provided they can

8:37

get so then they can turn Jesus

8:39

it's toll on it so at it

8:41

if there's no. Since.

8:43

There's no motivation for that and. Snow.

8:47

Maiden immediate women were so rule the

8:49

world. Before for Israel

8:51

years one doctors with is a

8:53

man's world. Right now we're seeing

8:55

as his com cydia to don't

8:57

want to come on it seems.

9:02

I want to come on over you

9:04

smash. Up

9:08

until I do mad at the

9:10

Rio, a security job or com

9:12

randomly and public. I mean that's

9:14

gonna be jail time. He.

9:17

Have to wear a diaper. Miss.

9:19

Your team in Japan soon as I

9:21

like the not plundered dick era that

9:24

whammy and I assume so he can

9:26

get away with that. Be fun. Yeah

9:28

I mean randomly the that scary I

9:30

there are people that do I'm in

9:32

but I think it's with women that

9:34

they have like I'm going to have

9:36

orgasms. All that I'm I'm. And

9:38

they have to get a deal with

9:41

that would have bird hunting i mean

9:43

but it would be no is for

9:45

with your at the library for likes

9:47

like books and toddlers read read a

9:49

thon. Here's. Like sort of your

9:51

manager year like you had a it's

9:53

a day full of interviews and of

9:55

them some com a week Able to

9:57

provide for this means. Oh.

10:02

Excuse me Goofy? Agree. Cause.

10:06

Disagree. Just got rules. Are you

10:08

Yes boss? Steer those words. It's.

10:11

But. I afford them in my but. My

10:18

books boss. For

10:20

me. See. Singing the national

10:23

anthem Boom o Sea Feather

10:25

some professors he could have

10:27

you. Done.

10:32

These. Sorts

10:36

of. Me:

10:38

We'd. All

10:43

go home. Oh. That's.

10:50

Good at minutes. Suggests files are. No

10:54

definite differences, my jerking

10:56

off season and. Our

10:59

midst of the always enjoy wire my mars.

11:02

Companies are going to five hundred on. This

11:05

is not is not good. Sea.

11:07

Level of view the city more. Slices.

11:10

Certain jobs deathly didn't have this random

11:12

becoming publicly being a lawyer from your

11:14

system. heated debates see as him as

11:16

why your honor I both. Of

11:19

us he held in contempt for fear

11:21

of holds up Mister Johnson please a

11:24

prose approach the bench by a case

11:26

one second. Yeah just because you going

11:28

to be harder to his com. Or.

11:31

Use any warning signs, Are

11:33

you just hanging out in I'm thinking

11:35

about whatever you dicks his legs sub

11:37

is no like oh no I think

11:39

it's like it's it's like most your

11:42

your your normal life but it does.

11:44

He thought was about you're having sex

11:46

with someone for your vagina discuss could

11:48

get some comes gonna get your your

11:50

like you're you're having sex in a

11:52

room with a lovely man or woman

11:55

and years I was. In.

11:58

business But the end of

12:01

this, have you ever talked about

12:03

that when you like the dirty talk that's the

12:05

super obvious thing We're just like

12:07

oh, yeah, I'm gonna fucking come and I'm at

12:09

the end of this You know

12:11

like what oh man in like 30 seconds.

12:13

Oh my god. My dick is so hard

12:15

I'm putting it inside you and then when

12:17

I'm done, I'm gonna come It's

12:20

outside. No, she's inside. No, it's

12:22

a my magician my magician

12:24

am I hiding? Oh, there it is Oh,

12:28

I'm gonna fuck you till I come you're like I

12:30

know That's pretty much.

12:32

That's why we're here We're

12:36

going through this whole charade yeah,

12:38

but here's the thing I'm gonna

12:40

come outside outside not inside right

12:42

now. I'm inside No,

12:45

I mean outside I'm

12:51

gonna come where you going? Here

12:54

at the deadbolt Your

12:57

pull-out game is so good. You just come outside Like

13:01

you pull out and just go to the porch and come

13:03

on it. Yeah, right now. I'm not risking it. Yeah Come

13:07

in the backyard Jerk

13:14

off into the lawn. Well, that's that's what you have

13:16

to do it ma'am it was says

13:18

you'd randomly come in public for the rest of your life,

13:20

but Does that mean oh

13:23

that you can't come when you want to come

13:25

or is that just mixed into it? Got

13:28

it. You can come when you're having sex But

13:30

you're also gonna have just randomly come as well

13:32

because that really does change the entire question for

13:34

me If you're

13:36

just going about your business and then you do and

13:39

you come but do I still get to come when

13:41

I want to? Yeah,

13:43

because yeah if it didn't like if like if

13:45

there was no build-up, so like we're just sitting

13:47

here all sudden years like oh Just

13:51

happens. It would be pretty sweet though. Just like

13:53

it'd be cool for two days Yeah,

13:56

maybe a day, but I'd be nice little

13:58

surprise, but it'd be terrible Sometimes you're

14:00

like every time you're gonna do something like so

14:03

like getting married you're like, please

14:05

don't come I oh god I have a

14:07

this this plays into my what are you

14:10

thinking about? But so we had the pest

14:12

control come Guy

14:15

came over and Jizz in

14:17

the house and then like here these cockroaches

14:19

you search jerking off in your house Yeah,

14:21

we'll show you know what they hate what

14:23

come just puts his pants down.

14:25

They're jerking off in the corner I

14:28

don't like this. He's like, where do you see

14:30

these cockroaches most? He

14:33

just drops his pants just all

14:35

you see is man-ass Yeah, he's just like just

14:37

give me a second if you got any chores

14:40

you need to do you come you little cockroach

14:44

That so what I was gonna say was that I

14:47

had to uh, oh So

14:50

that guy was coming over so I had I usually

14:52

get in the morning I wake up and like make coffee

14:54

and sit in the hot tub and kind of get

14:56

woken up. Mm-hmm the cold and I

14:59

knew that guy was coming at some point

15:01

God because he comes in

15:03

public. Yeah He they just

15:05

kind of show it's like the cable man. It's like

15:07

a span of time They show up so I was

15:09

like sitting where I just wait like sitting on the

15:11

couch I had my towel and my

15:13

coffee that wasn't drinking yet and just sitting there waiting Just

15:16

waiting for the guy to show up. He'll be here and

15:18

then he did and then he was just sitting my driveway

15:21

forever What are you doing? Yeah, I

15:23

was like, what are you doing jerking off? I don't

15:25

have any bugs out there Yeah, they're in here but it's

15:27

for mice. Yeah. Oh, there's no mice in the driveway, buddy

15:29

Can you yeah, they're all inside. Come on. You're not

15:31

in your van. Get in your buddy. Nobody's scared But

15:34

never being able to come again like

15:36

no orgasms on

15:39

a scale of one to Zach No,

15:41

but I mean Zach how important to orgasms to

15:44

you. I'd say quite important. Yeah, of

15:46

course. They're pretty cool Well, here's a parts of

15:48

life. Here's a question. Do you so like Can

15:51

you like have go through the motion like you're having

15:53

sex like who is really good? But it just never

15:56

or is there no like hmm. I

15:58

think you become a giver Yeah, I think

16:00

you're just you're just you're just there

16:03

you're browsing you're just browsing you're walking

16:05

dildo now No, you can get hard and

16:07

you can do that and you like that like

16:10

But how long can you pretend that you're like this

16:12

is fine? This is my life now Or

16:15

just come in public and just have to deal with it have wet

16:17

underpants Or have

16:20

to wear to wear to guard wear condom around I

16:22

know We talked about have

16:24

cons already and you like you have to go in

16:26

bathroom Rip it out throw in the trash and put

16:28

another one on a fanny pack of condoms on mm-hmm

16:32

Start carrying this back purse. Yeah, it's

16:34

just full of condoms. It's overflowing What's

16:38

the guy see your ID one second? You're like thumbing

16:40

through 800 fucking

16:42

condoms That's not it. That's

16:44

not it. Would it be like

16:47

a catheter but like a come comforter? Like

16:50

a blanket. Yeah, your blanket would for sure

16:52

be a comforter. Yeah, so it's it instead

16:54

of a catheter for peeing It's just like

16:56

you ejaculate into this bag. I'm gonna I

16:58

think I'm gonna pick Just

17:01

randomly coming in public opposed to just never

17:03

being able to come again. Yeah,

17:05

because that that sucks Yeah, that sucks. I

17:07

you could figure out a look you can figure

17:09

out a way to hide to hide it.

17:11

Yeah, yeah The

17:14

problem. Yeah a lot more peace of mind just

17:16

having to just getting rid of that whole thing

17:18

too But it's gonna affect your relationships. That's

17:21

for sure I wonder if you get that

17:23

tantric power if you never came again Like

17:25

some kind of superpower like sting built

17:27

up Yeah, yeah, maybe

17:29

you're really smart though to like

17:32

you're you're fucking Einstein Yeah, you're

17:34

like because all your motivation is

17:37

well, I can't do that. So I guess I'll do this. Yeah Yeah,

17:39

I'm yeah, even even with that as a possibility.

17:41

I'm gonna choose just come with my pants at

17:43

the jungle gym Mmm for sure

17:46

during five on five. Yeah playing

17:48

basketball It's a breakaway and you're going

17:50

in for a layup just And

17:53

get this fucking wobble your legs out and trip

17:55

and fall down just imagine our guys I came

17:57

what Imagine

18:00

being like a fucking funeral or something where you're

18:02

just like you're standing up there and every

18:04

the family's there And

18:07

you just stand at the podium talking about things

18:09

and yours Yeah,

18:19

and everyone's like oh, oh he must be really

18:21

sad and it's really sad you're like, oh you

18:23

just bombed out you came in your pants in

18:27

All reality. All right. I'm gonna go with that

18:30

too just cuz it would suck and not be

18:32

able to come Okay, well, we're all I just

18:34

such a driving force Let

18:36

there be come let there be come Let

18:40

my penis come let

18:43

my semen go All

18:48

right, well you hinted towards it so now I'm super

18:50

curious to hear about your what are you thinking about

18:52

okay? All right, let's roll. Yeah Hey,

18:55

hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking

18:57

about? Ah, you know nothing actually, you

18:59

know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What

19:02

are you thinking about? Go

19:06

So I love this time of

19:08

the year because it's well right now it's like zero

19:11

degrees. Mm-hmm Not today, but when this

19:13

happened, oh gotcha. It was cold

19:16

here for a bit It was negative six

19:18

when I woke up that morning. So a

19:20

wind chill of negative 35. It was a

19:22

yeah miserable stretch up here Nice,

19:25

but I was really excited to To

19:28

get in the hot tub that morning cuz it

19:30

was like I can understand why the thing is

19:32

this is so cold outside So my face started

19:35

to hurt. It's like it's like a good Nice

19:38

contrast but like I couldn't say cuz my face fucking

19:40

hurt Yeah, when you or if you go underwater and

19:43

you pop up and you're everything freezes. Yeah, it was

19:45

that type of cool It was that type of cool.

19:48

So um, so I'm waiting for the the

19:51

pest guy to show up Like I said

19:53

and he he shows up he comes in

19:56

the corner and then and then he

19:58

leaves What would your

20:00

motto be if that was just

20:03

the one star reviews on that pest

20:05

company? Like there's just nothing

20:07

but one star just one five star. Like,

20:10

I don't know. I was pretty impressed that he was able to come

20:12

so fast. The cockroaches

20:14

and Meiser rampant. Yeah. I

20:16

was going to say like, but didn't, didn't solve,

20:18

didn't fix the pest problem, but wow, nice ass.

20:21

Yeah. And it's just like from Tracy H one

20:25

five star. Four people found

20:27

this helpful. We come, they're done. That's

20:30

something on the side of the minivan. They roll up

20:32

in. That would be a lot of fun to come

20:34

up with the name for that. Yeah. Like that. We're

20:36

like a pooping, like a plumbing. We're number two in

20:38

the number or number one, number two business out cock

20:40

the roach. See,

20:43

nice. I got some things going. Anyway,

20:45

things brewing. Some things brewing.

20:49

Uh, so that, uh, hot

20:51

tub in your Tesla. Sorry. No,

20:55

it's powered pushes, pushes a button and it

20:58

gets turned into a car. Yeah.

21:00

Do your fart bubbles in the hot tub power

21:02

the Tesla. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

21:05

That sounds pretty sweet. Hydro electric.

21:09

Well, there's no engine in the front. So I could probably put

21:11

a little hot tub in the front. Little

21:13

teeny one, tiny guy. No teeny one. Just for your toes.

21:15

Just for, just for feet. Like a foot bath, but hot

21:17

tub. Natural

21:19

gas. Sorry. I

21:24

get it. So, uh, I

21:26

was in it for so, so I got out and like took

21:29

off like it was just weren't underwear. So I

21:31

took those off and, um, hung

21:33

them up in the shower to dry off. And I'm like,

21:35

fuck, it's just like hot. Cause I was in there for

21:37

so long. So I hung out my towel and

21:39

just went and like laid in the bed. It

21:42

was like browsing on my phone just

21:45

to like kind of cool down. Cause my

21:47

body was so fucking hot. So

21:49

I'm laying there, laying there, laying

21:51

there and my dog. So I have a

21:53

little Yorkie and our bed is probably like,

21:55

uh, how, how

21:58

high is that? I don't know. Three

22:00

and a half feet. Three feet off the ground.

22:03

So we got these little cloth

22:05

stairs for the dog to go up and down. And

22:08

so sometimes what happens is if we're in there

22:10

is, so we put the stairs outside for the

22:12

couch so she can go up and down the

22:14

couch and if we ever spend

22:16

time in the bedroom, we bring them into the bedroom

22:18

so she can go up and down the bed. And

22:22

so I'm laying in there and I'm like, oh

22:24

fuck, in the stairs we're out

22:26

in the living room. So I'm

22:29

laying there trying to cool off and I'm like, I was

22:31

drinking coffee and got this urge to poop. Nice.

22:33

So I'm like, Oh, fuck. I gotta

22:35

go poop. And I got up and

22:37

I'm like, ah, shoot. I can't leave

22:39

her in the bed. Cause if I go

22:41

poop, she's going to be barking to get down. I'm

22:44

going to have to get up mid poop to

22:46

come let her off the bed or she's going

22:49

to get tired of waiting. She's going to jump off

22:51

the bed and bust all of her legs cause she's

22:53

a little teeny dog. So I'm like,

22:55

let's go get the stairs then. So completely

22:57

naked, which is I always do

22:59

that. Just like underwear naked walk around. It's

23:01

fine. So I get up, just go, just

23:04

walking out to the living room. Like

23:06

it's nothing. Just dong, hanging out. It's

23:08

completely naked. And I walk over

23:10

to the couch to grab the stairs. Right

23:13

as I'm doing that, the mailman is

23:16

walking right up to the house to drop off

23:18

the mail. Crawl alone. We

23:20

get carmelo. Carmelo

23:23

just throwing a dime. Yeah. Call

23:25

me Stockton. Uh,

23:28

so I'm walking out there and he comes, he

23:30

does this little, like he walks up and you

23:32

know, just cause the window you can see in

23:34

everything. So he kind of does this little head

23:36

turn and uh, I

23:39

was reaching for the stairs, look down and I

23:41

think we made eye contact. I'm not sure. And

23:45

I kind of grabbed the thing and like lift up

23:47

stairs, trying to block. And then

23:50

he kept walking and I was just kind of stand there for

23:53

a second, look over my dog. She's

23:55

looking at me like, you

23:57

know, I'm like, do you think you saw me? He

24:00

saw me naked. This is the whole thing right now.

24:02

Yeah, like do you think he saw me naked? Like

24:04

do I need to say something and

24:06

so I was like, maybe he didn't so

24:08

I just like fuck it grab her stairs Go

24:11

back put them in the bedroom Walk

24:14

back into the bathroom. Take a dump Come

24:17

back out and now now I

24:19

start less I'm walking around the house like I

24:21

put some underwear on walking around the house and

24:24

it's going back and forth like did this Guy

24:26

fucking see me naked Like

24:28

he's I'm bringing package he's bringing package Joe

24:30

Joe's certain that he saw you naked. He

24:32

loves it Yeah, yeah,

24:34

like he he was delivering package in

24:37

maybe soft. How are you? Yeah. Yeah,

24:40

you had something for pickup. Mm-hmm Yeah, I

24:42

needed to put a little flag

24:44

up. Do you think you're dicked with a mail slot

24:46

and then lift the flag up? Yeah So

24:49

in the door he walks out

24:52

and get it opens it to put mail in your dick

24:57

He's like, oh God

25:00

takes the air pot out for I got

25:02

one for you. We got one. You forgot

25:04

one return to sender Yeah,

25:07

the add your little address all written out on your day

25:11

Stamps Yeah,

25:13

you know cuz it's a

25:15

big package. So it takes two. Yeah, two stands.

25:17

Yeah, it's going really for I don't know They

25:19

could probably fit that one like a little envelope

25:22

Like when you put this through media, yeah, this

25:24

is not a big deal. So I

25:26

like this could be machine sorted. It's not a big

25:28

deal So

25:31

I've been a few days Mm-hmm,

25:34

and I don't I don't

25:36

know if the guy okay saw my shlong But

25:39

I keep like he I

25:42

see him walk out because the Murray starts barking

25:44

whenever she sees him and I'm still to

25:46

this day so I'm kind of like do I

25:48

need to go confront this guy just a It's

25:51

keeping me up at night like you do confront them you need

25:53

to confront them naked that would be even funnier Hey, did you

25:55

see me naked? I do now Hey,

25:58

this looks familiar. Hey, suck Yes, they talk about

26:00

that you just like scare him like did you have did

26:02

you see me naked the other day? And you're just stand

26:05

on the door fucking naked no, and he

26:07

okay. Oh good. Okay cool. Oh man. I was

26:09

really worried about that Walk

26:12

back in the house chatter whoo so close one.

26:15

I'm good day. Yeah, he's walking up to

26:17

the house every day But like fucking binoculars. He's

26:19

just open He's hoping to

26:21

see that naked brye. I'm assuming it was a

26:23

man because they like I said

26:25

It was really cold so just all

26:27

bundled up and all I saw was

26:30

a face like fucking Kenny

26:35

South Park his eyeballs peeking through

26:37

yeah layers and layers and maybe it was a

26:39

gal could have been no Does

26:42

it matter either way? Well, no because I mean

26:45

no it doesn't matter but and I guess

26:47

I'm in my own house So it's not

26:49

public. Mm-hmm. Nutification. Yeah, that's the right word.

26:53

I've done that I've risked the

26:55

nakedness and I'm not sure if we've talked about this

26:57

on the show before but like This

27:00

particular time that I'll always remember it

27:03

was you know, it's bedtime. It was like 10 whatever 10 30 11

27:05

o'clock and I

27:08

we had Like the house was

27:10

on a corner and they had giant windows But

27:13

then we had the the curtains

27:15

and it's particular time like the curtains got

27:17

caught So I just like alright,

27:19

I guess so I just stood up on the couch

27:22

and I'm in the window Moving

27:24

the curtains. I look out and just like

27:26

people walking hanging down And

27:29

I'm just like one leg up on the

27:31

back of the house doing the confident. Yeah

27:33

doing the Captain Morgan pose Yeah, just shaking

27:36

the curtain Something

27:40

I'm like And

27:43

they're just standing there just like there's

27:45

no way they didn't see or caroling the

27:47

windows are fucking math Yeah, like they're you

27:50

know, they're like eight feet like they're fucking

27:52

huge Yeah in all sides. I was like,

27:55

hello, and I guess I'm gonna said

27:57

what you say slit it shut then I was like well Fucking

28:00

not my problem. That was pretty much

28:02

the same thing because our our

28:05

our house You know, it's like the floor

28:07

it's elevated a little bit from the outside

28:09

and it's a big window So this this

28:11

person walking they're definitely like looking up Mm-hmm,

28:13

and you know, I'm just like in all

28:15

hello all of its glory And

28:18

then I walk out and I pick up some

28:20

stairs some cloth stairs and now

28:22

that I'm thinking about it that

28:24

probably is looks extra weird because they have

28:26

like those sex pillows and stuff that you

28:29

can like when lady

28:31

arch over arch over everything like Now

28:33

now I'm thinking like maybe that's what he saw

28:36

some naked dude picking up an arch pillow

28:39

To go fuck probably just made him

28:41

jealous He's like, oh man, he

28:43

probably came in his pants. Yeah, or she.

28:46

Yeah, but like I said, I don't know Yeah, Zach

28:48

you ever gotten busted naked through a

28:51

window. Not yet. Not yet Yeah,

28:54

very very, you know under the covers.

28:56

See I'm not at home It will

28:58

know it sticks out all my wife

29:00

has warned me several times Just like

29:03

walking around because I'll take the trash

29:05

out just in my underwear. Mm-hmm, and

29:07

I've done this We

29:10

live on a really busy road, so there's just people

29:12

that have semen underwear all the

29:15

time Looks funny like I posted a

29:17

video One time

29:19

I was out my wife came

29:21

back from the grocery store. I went out in a tank top

29:23

in my underwear Getting the

29:25

groceries and there's just cars going

29:27

by and she actually grabbed

29:29

my phone and recorded that I was

29:32

doing that Mm-hmm cuz like that's just how Just

29:35

how it goes how it I'm in my house

29:37

meant well, I'm not exactly them. Yeah, I

29:39

get you I'm like if people are looking

29:41

that hard to see something I'll

29:44

let them see Listen get your

29:46

get your kicks. All right, how are

29:48

you guys like thing? It's a motor

29:50

like thing. Yeah I'm

29:52

just out there like the fountain man. I'm just

29:54

just out there for everyone to see Whoever

29:57

drives by fucking moving stairs swinging

30:00

You know Moving

30:03

stairs swinging dong yeah like that yeah

30:05

you do anyway,

30:07

so yeah, I feel like I need to like

30:11

obviously like That's

30:14

creepy of you But it's

30:16

a question. I don't want it like you don't want

30:18

to ask the guy like hey hey you see my

30:20

dick Yeah, what's the follow-up? Yeah? Did you like it?

30:23

Yeah, if he says yes, then we're gonna go from

30:25

there Oh yes, or no. Yeah, no would you like

30:27

to? Yes, did

30:29

you like it? There's

30:32

no good. There's no good followers that

30:34

it's it's kind of like a focus

30:36

group Mm-hmm did you see the penis yes? Yes? What

30:39

were your thoughts? What were your thoughts about it? I

30:41

don't know like I was kind of like a dick

30:44

Okay, it's that it's a

30:46

multiple choice like happy sad

30:48

shocked all the above Just

30:53

all these all the way down nice all

30:55

right Nuts

30:58

let's get into that Got

31:00

it Got it.

31:03

Let's get into some dick. Yeah, all right

31:05

zac Eepoo All

31:13

right, you want to you want to read this story

31:16

sure okay? Let

31:18

me pull it up here. Yeah pull it

31:20

up all right Chinese

31:22

chess champions stripped of title after

31:24

defecating in hotel bathtub alleged

31:28

anal beads cheating What's

31:30

this guy this guy's living like a rock star?

31:33

Like if it if it opened up it says guns and

31:35

roses stripped of Grammy after

31:38

defecating in hotel hot tub alleged anal

31:40

beads cheating I'd be like Oh guns

31:42

and roses like now's a wild time

31:45

God man living the dream I remember

31:47

those days these don't picture seeing

31:49

chess champion. Yeah in that headline

31:51

and And it's

31:54

like an old Chinese guy like that just

31:56

doesn't you know like old Chinese guy doesn't

31:58

seem like he's doing that I

32:00

don't know a lot of old Chinese guys, but it

32:02

doesn't seem like that's what they're doing living his best

32:04

life Maybe they are though. What do I know? Yeah,

32:06

I'm not part of the chess circuit. What's

32:09

your crazy things get? It's

32:11

just a wild It's

32:13

one of those things just fucking crazy Trafficking

32:16

and waiting for the Netflix documentary

32:18

about chess champs. Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly

32:23

Okay, what happened to a world Chinese chess?

32:25

Oh This

32:27

is gonna be tough. Don't even try it Jing

32:29

she Is an

32:32

uproar or rumors of cheating and bad

32:34

behavior scandal that saw the national champion

32:36

stripped of his title? Okay I

32:38

love that like you wonder you

32:40

won the biggest thing you can

32:42

win in Chinese chess Mm-hmm

32:45

like that's you are you're

32:47

fucking Tom Brady, dude. Mm-hmm. You're Yeah

32:55

Phil Russell You're the

32:57

sure. Yeah, you're the you're the thing. Yeah,

32:59

like you're that you're the pinnacle the

33:02

prophecy of your sport and

33:05

your shit in hot tub Dude,

33:07

that's something Pete Weber would do. Who do

33:10

you think you are? I am Like

33:12

that's what that guy's doing not this guy. Yeah,

33:14

and the next day You're like fucking Pete Weber

33:16

busted for shit in a hot tub and sticking

33:19

anal beads in his butt. You're like, yeah Yeah,

33:21

totally him. Did you see he just won his

33:23

fifth championship? He's on cloud nine leave the guy

33:25

alone. I Mean,

33:28

you know me turkey just guys got he's earned the

33:30

right to shoot them on them Guys

33:32

got more turkeys and a fucking Thanksgiving

33:34

dinner. Yeah Guys

33:39

mash more never under alright

33:41

48 year old yon shinglong

33:45

Beat dozens of contenders last week to win Go

33:52

ahead win the national

33:54

title of Jing Quiet

33:56

it's not even a word but

33:59

you got I

34:01

think it's like jiang kuih. Okay.

34:04

God, kuih in long, long. But

34:07

victory was short lived after

34:11

the celebration ended with him defecating in a

34:13

bathtub. Oh, it was a bathtub. Not a

34:16

hot tub. Sorry about that. It was huge

34:18

different. Yeah. Okay. The

34:20

Chinese Jingxi Association announced Monday that

34:22

he would have his title revoked

34:24

and prize money confiscated after it

34:26

had been caught disrupting public order

34:28

and displaying extremely bad character. What

34:31

do you want from this guy? Like, dude,

34:34

dude just beat. How high

34:36

is the bar out there in the chess

34:38

world? Well, you can't shit

34:40

in a bathtub. They're like, no. If

34:42

that's, if that's that, I don't want to be a part of

34:44

that world. That's why I don't play chess. Right. Right.

34:48

I just can't. These expectations they have on me. Well, anytime

34:50

that you're like, if I win the championship in a sport,

34:52

I want to be able to do whatever the fuck I

34:54

want. If I can't shit in a

34:56

bathtub and put anal beads in my butt. Then I'll

34:58

go to the NBA. Right. Where that's

35:00

clearly I can do all those things. Yeah. That's

35:02

why Bobby Fisher stopped, I think. I don't

35:04

know. Was that a Fisher joke? I

35:06

don't know. Like an anal Fisher joke? I think it's

35:08

a chess player joke. Oh, cool. What

35:11

about? What about, uh, what's it,

35:13

what, who was the, what Fisher was a

35:16

chick that shot Joey Botafuko's wife? Amy

35:19

Fisher. Anybody remember Amy

35:21

Fisher? Anal Fisher? No. Am

35:24

I the only one? No, I remember. Yeah. I

35:27

was two weeks in a row and

35:29

I've got nothing in return. It made an impact

35:31

on your life. No one else's. Yeah. No

35:34

one is acknowledged. Those amazing

35:36

references. All right. Okay.

35:39

Um, he was also banned from playing

35:42

for a year. So

35:44

he probably can't, uh, he

35:47

can't, uh, what do you call it? Uh,

35:49

what? Uh, defend his championship. Right. He

35:51

has to just watch other people be like, I know that mother fucker's

35:53

going to shit in the bathtub. I

35:55

knew I, I knew I shouldn't have filmed it. God

35:58

damn it. Damn it. God. new

36:01

Yahn consumed alcohol with others in his room on

36:03

the night of the 17th and then he defecated

36:06

in the best so I know it's

36:08

so and then he just get it's Like

36:11

so matter of fact and then he defecated in the bathtub

36:14

The room he was staying in on

36:16

the 18th and an act that damaged

36:18

hotel property what violated public order and

36:21

good morals Had a

36:23

negative impact on the competition and the

36:25

event of Jing Pai or kui kui

36:28

And was extremely bad character the association

36:30

said in a statement I'm

36:33

standing with him dude Stand

36:36

with Yahn. I stand with Yahn you did

36:38

just I shit with Yahn I

36:40

shit with Yahn shit in the bathtub who

36:42

fucking cares at the bathtub grow up

36:46

Who's not who've not done worse shit when

36:48

being hammered drunk? Shitting

36:50

in a bath. That's what his

36:52

thing was like seriously people Seriously

36:55

seriously You

37:00

should you see my young Pete

37:03

yeah, you see what he did. Jing Li

37:05

was over there fucking he's shitting the sink

37:07

Yeah, he's shitting the sink the same time,

37:09

but he didn't win the chance So

37:13

runner-up shits in sinks and

37:15

I take a big sink Then

37:17

shit in it and I lose it A

37:20

bathtub is a big sink They're

37:22

like get this guy out of here. Yeah, I mean

37:24

you bathe babies in a in a sink and

37:26

I bathe in a bathtub It's just a larger

37:29

sink The

37:31

best of the fun fun part. I think

37:33

it's coming up. It's coming. Yeah. Yeah, okay

37:37

This the association was also forced

37:40

to address rumors circulating online that

37:42

Yahn had cheated during the competition

37:44

by using anal beads equipped

37:46

with wireless transmitters to send and

37:48

receive signals That's

37:51

genius. Yahn allegedly clenched and

37:53

unclenched rhythmically to communicate

37:55

information about the chessboard via

37:57

code to a computer which

38:00

Then sent back instructions on what moves to

38:02

make in a form of vibrations according

38:04

to the reports circulating on the Chinese social

38:06

site we bow Imagine

38:10

bringing that to the table like this is gonna

38:12

sound crazy But I'm

38:14

seeing yawn is keeps clinching his butt cheeks

38:16

and Morse code And

38:19

it's really weird and then he keeps coming. I

38:22

think there's something in his asshole and

38:24

he's cheating like how funny is that? I

38:28

got funny in this genius To

38:31

get me sitting there straight face. Yes

38:33

tournament as a 48 year

38:35

old man. You're just looking and going

38:39

You make your move Guys

38:42

like this can't take him forever Because

38:45

you're like Cell

38:49

phone and he's okay and just move Okay

38:55

Okay, where was I? Any

38:59

other guy moves right away? He's like just immediately

39:01

moves it and he goes, okay I guess just

39:04

bouncing up and down a little bit doing Morse

39:06

code with his butt cheeks back to his own

39:08

computer Well picture

39:10

like you have this team of people doing

39:12

is like was that it was that a

39:14

double clench or was that a single? Yeah,

39:16

hey, we do it. We need to do

39:18

it again. Do it again. My

39:20

ass is getting exhausted You

39:24

get a little sloppy with your fucking ass cheeks. Yeah You're

39:30

just kind of giving us like weird squeezes and no

39:32

one knows what's happening. He's like I have to

39:34

poop That's what he sends

39:36

back right to poop. I have to poop. You can hold

39:38

it Yeah, you have to hold it. You got to win

39:40

this championship first thing. You can poop all you want That

39:42

sounds like a crazy accusation But

39:46

Also genius way to cheat. Well, what's funny is

39:49

I saw an episode of it's always sunny from

39:51

the new episode from the new season and Frank

39:54

did this and it was I thought it was a

39:56

funny concept. It was like this hilarious then I read

39:58

the story I'm like wait Is

40:00

this a thing that happens? Like,

40:03

did this happen before that? Or did you

40:05

get the idea from them? So maybe

40:07

this is the thing that happens. Yeah, and

40:10

I remember seeing little

40:12

spats of this article, I

40:14

mean, I wanna say, like a year ago, of

40:17

the anal bead fucking chest cheater. So

40:21

I don't know which one came first. Like maybe, maybe

40:24

the, someone saw that episode and

40:26

then made an accusation against him

40:28

online and they caught fire because

40:30

it's fucking crazy. But also

40:32

really funny and also would

40:35

work. So I think it has

40:37

all the right fittings to make

40:39

a great story. They said like in the

40:41

article, it's impossible to prove if he was

40:44

cheating with anal beads.

40:46

But I guess, kind of, you'd check

40:48

his butthole for anal beads? Maybe that's why

40:50

he shit, because he was in the bathtub,

40:52

he's pulling the anal beads out and he shit. Just

40:55

shit all out. I think we just solved it. Detective

40:57

Brian. Hard work. He's

41:00

in warm water so he could pop

41:02

him out. And soon as that last one came

41:04

out, he just shit everywhere. It

41:07

could be it, man. Maybe that runner up was

41:09

helping him. Yeah, yeah. He knew something

41:11

was up, so he got yawn drunk. And

41:13

he was like, all right, y'all, it's time to go shit your anal beads out

41:15

in the bathtub. I mean, okay. Okay,

41:18

you're right, I gotta get these things outta

41:20

here. I'm already,

41:23

can't I just get these anal beads out of my butt.

41:25

Who wants to help me? And this runner up's like, dude,

41:27

I'll fucking help you. I'm gonna

41:29

tell everybody. But you've done it.

41:31

The disgrace you've become, yawn. Because

41:34

then he'll become the champion. Yeah,

41:36

smart. It's slid right in there. All

41:39

right, let's move off to our next piece of

41:41

dick here. Okay. This

41:43

is a new fear that

41:45

is being, I mean, this

41:49

is a real fear, because we're so goddamn

41:51

connected to our phones. But psychologist describes a

41:53

new phobia on the rise, and

41:56

it's nomophobia. You know

41:58

what's funny? I wrote. Writing

42:00

this and I was writing normal for the

42:02

in wanted me to correct it to homophobia.

42:04

They doing that had to click off of

42:07

it and like no I'm not trying to

42:09

write homophobia. Nice is different. It's is news

42:11

way different. Keep up keep up computer! Have

42:13

you ever wondered what your life would be

42:15

like without us would be like without a

42:17

smartphone? Some is this in a life of

42:20

peace without distraction whereas some is he alive

42:22

with less convenience and connection. Others,

42:25

however, may feel terrified of

42:27

the idea entirely. Psychological research

42:29

has uncovered a new fear.

42:31

Normal phobia for individuals become

42:33

so with dread it seems

42:35

Id and panic. Ever thought

42:37

of being without their smartphone?

42:40

Know me like over me feel

42:42

terrified of the idea Entirely Psychological

42:44

research has uncovered a new fear.

42:47

No more phobia for individuals become

42:49

so with dread it's anxiety and

42:51

panic. Ever thought of being without

42:53

their smartphones? And I

42:55

mean I get it to measure the

42:58

severity of this phobia in his impact

43:00

on daily life. Researchers have developed a

43:02

test are designed to assess and diagnosed

43:04

Noom a phobia. This tool that only

43:06

says light on the prevalence of this

43:08

modern exactly but also prompts a broader

43:10

discussion about our dependence on technology has

43:13

implications for mental well being. I

43:15

goes on to say like what it

43:18

is like it's no mobile phone

43:20

phobia so nomo Soviet. He doesn't

43:22

sound like former former you miss

43:24

In Out Yes and they're not

43:26

wrong. I mean our. Our

43:28

lives depend on being connected. I

43:30

wish it was less connected, but.

43:33

It's only going to get crazier and. Isn't

43:36

that gets worse? In quotes of

43:38

just dependence on technology? As

43:41

humans continue to become

43:43

one one with Skynet.

43:47

Due to it's it's funny. like. Our

43:49

generation grew up before. Smartphones

43:52

and with smartphones and.

43:56

Other guy when I get home I can. I can

43:58

kind of. A. Throw on a show

44:00

or whatever and get away from the phone. But if

44:03

you decide to pick up the phone, I mean you

44:05

could spend hours of just doing stupid shit when all

44:07

you were gonna do was check the weather. Right. So

44:10

kids that are growing up now with that's

44:13

all they know. Like my kids,

44:16

the idea of anything other than smartphones

44:18

or like a switch, a tablet, they

44:22

think it's weird that we didn't have that because that's

44:24

all they know. So you take,

44:26

it's like anything else. I remember my dad would

44:28

say like, you know, I used to,

44:31

oh, kids in their devices, like I remember

44:33

I used to play with a stick. I'm

44:35

like, yeah, cause that's all you had. Yeah, and

44:37

that sounds fucking lame, bro. Would you really, if

44:39

given the chance to go back in time, like

44:41

would you take a stick or a Nintendo

44:44

Switch? You're doing the Switch. He's

44:46

like, I don't know, they make a Nintendo stick? You're

44:50

like, no, dad, they don't. Of

44:54

course you take the Switch over a fucking stick.

44:56

But it's that generation gap, but we're right on

44:58

the edge so we can see, we know what

45:00

it's like to be like without it and with

45:02

it. So this normal

45:04

phobia is like, it's gonna be, it's

45:06

a real thing for kids growing up

45:09

now because their entire,

45:12

my son is eight and he was

45:14

asking, like he was asking Santa for

45:16

a phone. And we're like, I don't know, buddy,

45:19

like, those are kind of like adult

45:21

things. I don't think that they... I don't know, you've kind of been

45:23

a piece of shit this year. Yeah, to

45:25

be honest. You fucking

45:27

sucked in 2023. I

45:29

shared a cell phone with my mom when

45:32

I was first year in college,

45:34

I think. In college, I shared

45:36

a phone? Senior, senior, senior,

45:38

Arly Neuer. Senior

45:42

year of high school that we shared, then I think I

45:44

got my own when I started going to college. Was it

45:46

a razor? No, it was

45:48

a Nokia brick with a snake on it. But

45:51

so these kids now, like they're eight years

45:53

old and they want a phone, but it's

45:55

not just a phone to them. It's YouTube,

45:58

it's all this shit and it's various. Yeah,

46:00

yeah, so if you go out somewhere and you

46:02

don't have that of course that's gonna be a

46:04

legit fear Mm-hmm. That's all you know. Mm-hmm and

46:07

having a teenage daughter Like

46:10

her getting in trouble and losing

46:12

her phone access Like

46:14

you debt. It's like basically taking away heroin

46:17

from somebody Like they like

46:19

she's okay. You can't come for a week.

46:22

Oh What? Fuck

46:25

this place sucks. Fuck you mom.

46:27

Fuck you mom. Fuck you mom. I'm gonna come

46:29

so hard in one week. Fuck

46:31

you You're gonna watch. Wow You're

46:34

gonna cheer me on I the

46:37

But like she does pretty well with it But I've seen

46:39

other kids that get it taken away and they don't even

46:41

know what like what to do Like

46:45

all of their their social life is in it

46:47

all of their contact contacts how they talk to

46:49

their friends All their videos what

46:51

they do when they're bored So it's like that

46:53

that mindless entertainment part like we would

46:56

use video games for that And

46:58

they do do that, but also they use their phone for

47:00

the same shit that we used AOL

47:02

for like you I got shit on board.

47:04

I'm gonna go pretend to be a lesbian and fucking AOL chat

47:07

for Two hours and use up

47:09

all the minutes on this free CD that was sent I

47:13

was thinking about that too How funny it'd be to if you

47:15

held on to all those and then now

47:17

you sent them out to family Yeah, like 15

47:19

minutes of free AOL CDs for

47:22

Christmas roaming Yeah,

47:24

they get free 50 free roaming hours.

47:26

Yeah free 30 minutes of AOL online

47:30

And like you send those out as first Christmas

47:32

presents like fucking He's

47:36

having so many of them you got the

47:38

big one-hour one Fucking what?

47:41

And fucking 15 minutes of it was trying

47:43

to connect Yeah, that's how

47:45

they get you. So they get you

47:47

know, I'd get coming back for more.

47:49

Yeah, but it's not even their fault

47:52

It's not no, it's not kids's fault. They

47:54

don't know what's what the world is It's

47:57

you can take that away and have them and have

47:59

them grow up differently But eventually they're going to

48:01

get integrated into that technology Yeah And all you

48:03

do all you'd be doing at that point is

48:05

a disservice because then they wouldn't know how anything

48:07

works It's like when you put someone who didn't

48:09

grow up with something in a job

48:11

where they have to know of technology And they're like,

48:13

I don't know what to do. You know it. Yeah.

48:15

Yeah, and it's this is a

48:18

generational gap to like I I

48:21

mean I have tendencies to do this but I

48:23

try really try not to and like like look

48:25

down on the younger

48:27

generations because We

48:29

everything that they have is we

48:31

provided for them. Mm-hmm Like we

48:34

provided them social media our generation

48:36

built social media Right

48:38

for them. All they're doing is using it.

48:41

We built it Mm-hmm, you know, so like

48:43

can you fault someone for wanting to have

48:46

a fucking tablet? No, cuz awesome

48:49

They're pretty fucking sweet. Yeah No,

48:51

dude, if I if I could have had a

48:54

fucking iPad when I was a kid you're goddamn

48:56

right I would have spent so many

48:58

hours on that thing. Mm-hmm Absolutely.

49:00

We were the kids that were playing video games

49:02

and Parents told

49:04

us we have to go outside. We're playing video games

49:07

too long. Mm-hmm. Like we weren't not

49:10

guilty of that. Mm-hmm Yelling

49:12

at your dad like God find a

49:15

new stick. Yeah, you know playing with

49:17

that stick for three hours Get

49:19

a new stick but the guy here the Your

49:23

stick yeah, his dad Like

49:26

God get a better stick fucking man. I'm

49:28

not in the alley back in my day

49:31

The stick was like eating to have a this

49:33

to you know, how it you know, Bill I

49:35

think I go find a second uphill both ways

49:37

to go find a good stick Yeah, you just

49:40

walk outside and there's a stick you have all

49:42

these sticks I had to go into the woods

49:44

and like cut my own stick get my own

49:46

stick You don't know how lucky you

49:48

are. Yeah, you're my dad. Oh Oh

49:52

Dude that can't use the stick to kill

49:54

a woolly mammon. Yeah So

49:57

every generation is a little bit softer and

49:59

it's the previous The previous generation's fault. It's

50:02

true. It's why kids can't afford a

50:04

house now. Well, that's inflation. That's just

50:06

because we're gonna fall in trouble. Well,

50:08

but they don't, they're not the reason,

50:10

it's not their fault. It's not

50:13

20 year olds fault now that they can't buy a house.

50:16

Yeah. And they don't all not wanna

50:18

work. That's not the way it is. Like

50:21

they can't. They have to

50:23

have three roommates to live in an

50:25

apartment. And jobs that existed that you didn't think could exist

50:27

doesn't mean that they're not jobs. Yeah. Yeah.

50:31

I've lived that. People, family like, what do

50:33

you do? You're like, when

50:35

are you gonna get a job? Well,

50:38

this is working. So I'm gonna

50:40

keep doing this, thank you. Yeah. Okay,

50:42

let's do some petty beef. I think it's time for that. Hey,

50:44

Zach, will you fucking do it? Pilots

50:46

in the court. You are now

50:49

entering the petty beef courtroom where

50:51

all sides of some bullshit will

50:53

be heard and evaluated. The people

50:55

are real. The cases are real.

50:57

The rulings are final-ish. This is

50:59

petty beef. Hey,

51:02

Zach. Real

51:04

quick, when I was thinking about that, I was

51:06

like, maybe there's something out there that you could

51:08

do for a lap time. Something

51:10

about the gap in social

51:13

media. You know, like an age gap

51:16

to show, like really break

51:18

down what a person

51:21

this age versus a person this age

51:23

grew up with. Yeah. And

51:25

I don't know, if there's something fun you

51:27

could explore in there. I'd be

51:29

happy to look. I like that. I like it too.

51:32

Just because it's such a massive gap between

51:35

two generations. A lot has happened

51:37

quickly. It feels like the Elvis

51:39

generation and the generation before

51:41

it, that cleavage between two groups of

51:43

people. It's pretty bad where

51:45

the parents were like, I don't understand these kids.

51:47

And the kids were like, fuck you? Now

51:50

I'm just thinking about cleavage. And those kids were

51:53

our grandparents. Yeah. They

51:56

were the ones in the fifties doing all

51:58

the, they were a little raspy. in their

52:00

50s with their grease hair and their air pump

52:02

and stuff and their hot rods and stuff and

52:05

Cigarettes in their sleeves. Yeah, and that's the greatest

52:07

generation. They're all and they're all you know,

52:10

yeah Can't do wrong Anyway,

52:13

alright. So what do we have for petty beef brag? I

52:16

what are we doing? Oh Let's see.

52:18

Yeah Hello dads. I've

52:21

an ultimatum. Oh, wait what this So

52:25

this petty beef is old Okay,

52:29

and it's we've some we've since got an

52:31

answer to this right But

52:33

maybe it's gonna be going to people or

52:36

you know, cuz other people have gone through.

52:38

Mm-hmm. Okay, I've ultimatum So this

52:40

is in the past. I'm thinking an ultimatum

52:42

thinking of telling my long-term boyfriend and I

52:44

want to know if it's fair We've

52:46

been together for over six years and living

52:49

together nearly the whole time. It's been great

52:51

We have talked about getting married several times

52:54

and I know it's in the future I'm

52:56

getting antsy though and with Christmas coming up. I

52:58

made a vague comment about the only gift I

53:01

want is a proposal You

53:03

just just in passing all I go. Yeah

53:05

over a bowl of cereal You

53:08

suck we went for Christmas this year now

53:10

No, a proposal letting ring or something for

53:12

the word pretty pebbles in your mouth or

53:14

whatever It'd be probably cool if

53:16

you like proposed me or whatever. What Mary what?

53:18

Yeah, just This is a

53:20

super Laid back now.

53:22

I gotta get your eye out. Yeah Yeah

53:27

He's been paying off debt, which is why he

53:29

hasn't proposed thus far but now I believe

53:31

he has enough debt paid down I

53:33

know it's a possibility that he does Proposed

53:35

this Christmas, but I've gotten a lot my hopes

53:37

up before it's not a huge deal, but I'm

53:39

tired of waiting and wondering Mm-hmm. We're both in

53:42

our 30s Now

53:44

the sexual part he's an ass man.

53:46

All right, although we have regular sex

53:49

on a normal basis. He likes anal

53:51

sometimes It's kind of

53:53

a pain in the ass quite literally for me

53:55

though I do it because I know

53:57

he loves it, but I could say I could say no it

53:59

hurts a lot even with lube and I just don't

54:01

get much enjoyment from myself from it. It

54:04

hurts too much for any other stimulation to

54:06

help me. I get it. Mm-hmm.

54:09

I'm just too focused on the pain of it and

54:11

to relax enough for the stimulation to help. So

54:14

I'm wondering if I should give him the

54:16

ultimatum of no more anal sex until I

54:18

get a ring. If you want the

54:20

bird then you gotta put a ring on it. Put

54:24

an o-ring on it. You gotta put a, yeah. Um,

54:29

I'm tired of not having a great time during anal

54:31

and also tired of not having a ring on my

54:33

finger. At least if we do

54:35

anal I'd be happier knowing I have a

54:37

ring finally. It's

54:39

like a fun inside track to,

54:42

to one- I just want a ring.

54:44

One girl's mind. Yeah. Like you

54:46

can do whatever you want back there just give me a fucking ring.

54:48

Just the whole time you're getting plowed in the ass you're just looking

54:50

at your ring. You're like,

54:53

God man. You've got rings on all

54:55

fingers except for that one. Yeah, it could be a

54:57

little bigger. Could be a

54:59

little bigger. Could be a little bigger. For this pounding

55:02

I'm taking I wish I could do another leaf, another

55:04

character. So I don't know if this thing's gonna bounce

55:06

back or not. I need another character to do. Um,

55:09

at least I'm happy knowing

55:12

a ring. I kind of feel like I'm

55:14

getting shafted literally and figuratively because I do

55:16

everything for him and still don't have a

55:18

little or the title of fiancé. I

55:21

should note he does a lot for me as

55:23

is and definitely not a bad boyfriend at all.

55:26

However I feel like I deserve to be

55:28

a fiancé, a wife and I'm wondering

55:31

if he needs a little push to me by

55:33

a ring or else I worry we would stay

55:35

together but not engage for years to come. I

55:37

love him too much to ever end it

55:40

over that fact but I just want a ring and

55:43

to have a concrete knowledge of our relationship

55:46

is going somewhere. We will get

55:48

married. Is that so hard

55:50

to ask for? Love your daughter. Kayla.

55:53

Kayla. Oh that is

55:55

a fun thought. Cause like being

55:57

on the guy side of it. I

56:01

don't like We

56:03

don't think about it like when

56:05

you're getting married I would bet Whatever

56:09

percentage I would say 99% of guys propose

56:11

and get married because the girl wants it

56:14

Yeah, the guy would be like he's like what's the bigger?

56:16

I love you like I'm not going anywhere I just

56:19

redid the bathroom like you

56:21

know sky gets put the cabinets in I'm not fucking leaving Like

56:25

why is it such a big deal and for

56:27

I mean a lot of women like Kayla have

56:29

this mindset Which like just show

56:31

me like show me you're not just gonna fucking

56:33

bounce one day And that there's

56:35

a future here and put a ring on this

56:38

finger and keep plowing my ass. Yeah, you can

56:40

plow anything you want But

56:43

just give me that ring both sides of the golf course are

56:45

open as long as I have a ring You

56:47

can do all 18 holes 36 holes.

56:49

I don't care imagine breaking up this proposal though

56:51

like in real time You're like, here's the thing

56:54

honey, and yeah, wait, what's

56:56

going on, babe? you

56:58

know If

57:01

you don't get me a ring you can no

57:03

longer plow my ass and he goes that's cool

57:05

your pussy sweet And

57:07

then she's like what goes August fuck your pussy one.

57:09

Yeah, he's like, I mean we only do anal ever

57:12

occasionally So that's why I'm fine. I'll just don't do

57:14

that and then I just won't buy the ring Okay.

57:17

All right. I love you. Love you, too. Okay,

57:19

you can't bow I don't know how you would

57:21

bounce back from that Yeah, well,

57:23

you don't get this pussy neither. No that

57:26

you can't do that. You already it's just

57:28

to put the butt off limits You can't

57:30

do that. Yeah, you can't you can't put

57:32

the goalie in both holes. You know, they

57:34

really have one goalie. Mm-hmm You

57:37

could pull the goalie. Yeah, that was still good.

57:39

Oh that goes. Yeah That

57:42

it's interesting to think Well,

57:45

there's a couple different things here Any

57:49

time you hold something hostage in relationship, I

57:52

think it's funny. Yeah, I think it's never

57:54

gonna end well. Yeah, but And

57:57

now another thing maybe she's just likes things

58:00

old-fashioned but like why

58:03

can't she propose? Like

58:05

what she could hide a ring in her butthole

58:07

mm-hmm and then he's going away and he pulls

58:09

his dick out dick out there's a ring on

58:11

it yeah she turns around she goes I do

58:13

yeah can you imagine

58:19

just fucking and you're like ow ow you pull your

58:21

dick out and it's just a ring wedged around the

58:23

tip of your penis mm-hmm and then she just turns

58:26

around the smirk on her face you

58:28

have something to say honey he's like

58:30

I don't know will you marry me she

58:32

goes yes and just pulls the ring right

58:34

off your dick yeah puts on her finger

58:36

and then her family comes in she's on

58:38

FaceTime with her family as you're fucking

58:40

her ass yeah he finally he

58:43

said yes how do

58:45

you do it well yeah more

58:48

more me more me than him but

58:50

what I did is I put the ring in my asshole and then

58:52

he fucked up in the dick then his dick had the ring on it

58:54

and I took it back on it was like it was like it

58:56

was so cute yeah so yeah what's your

58:58

what's your proposal story how'd you guys do

59:01

that it's kind of

59:03

cliche yeah yeah cliche but I put

59:05

a ring in my butthole and

59:08

I told him to fuck it until the ring went on

59:10

his dick and I took it back off and we talked

59:12

about it no girl's gotta get her ring right I

59:15

do I do so

59:18

we have an update to this right yeah he

59:20

proposed yeah when did he

59:22

do it I think it was over Christmas

59:24

yeah without having to hold the butthole hostage

59:27

right so he still gets the butthole now

59:30

he's fucking all the holes but I guess

59:32

so I was wondering was I have a

59:34

hard time fucking a butthole if she didn't

59:36

like it yeah that's so what I was

59:38

gonna say was like if you

59:41

all you've done really now is

59:43

secured the butthole for longer

59:45

like you gonna get sick of it yeah you're if

59:47

you don't like it you don't like it and I

59:49

get doing things that you don't like because you know

59:51

your partner likes it like that is fine like

59:54

that's part of it too like giving and

59:57

there's a I mean I like that but there's

59:59

giving like I could give my mouth or

1:00:01

my hand but giving you my butthole What

1:00:04

because you're still getting pounded. I'm just picturing

1:00:06

their wedding vows now. Yeah, I promised

1:00:09

to promise to Allow

1:00:12

you to pound my ass And

1:00:14

then grandma's like, oh have you

1:00:16

heard their wedding story? Have you hear how

1:00:19

she proposed? I'll tell you after

1:00:21

the ceremony. It's so funny. It's so cute

1:00:24

So it's adorbs it's adorable. It's just how

1:00:26

grandpa proposed to me. Yeah, it's a family

1:00:28

tradition I'm a tradition of hiding rings in

1:00:31

your butthole Go

1:00:33

back to the it started over

1:00:35

Easter and just kind of became a

1:00:37

family thing for a bit. That's how you sure started Yeah,

1:00:40

sure just Picturing

1:00:42

Jesus with a ring in his butthole and everyone's so

1:00:44

confused. It makes about as much sense as Easter So

1:00:46

he comes out of the hole Cochrane

1:00:50

what Risen

1:00:56

He has risen and it hurts. Yeah, it hurts

1:00:58

a lot. There's a ton to go down that

1:01:00

would help this thing is tiny Yeah,

1:01:03

he proposed and I don't think they had to

1:01:05

have the hostage butthole talk to get there. Hmm

1:01:07

But yeah, yeah going back. Yeah, I would just

1:01:10

have a hard time being like this is come

1:01:12

on babies for me And just

1:01:14

knowing that the person you're you're still

1:01:17

here. He doesn't maybe she hasn't said anything

1:01:19

That's what I'm that's I cuz I can't

1:01:21

imagine saying I don't sit with it. I

1:01:23

can't imagine being like Someone

1:01:25

being like, you know, it really I don't

1:01:27

get enjoyment. It hurts when you fuck my

1:01:29

butt. Mm-hmm And he's like, all right, so

1:01:31

bad. Yeah, we marry me over Do

1:01:34

bad. Will you marry me? What? Yeah. Okay. I

1:01:36

get fucking but more Okay, cool.

1:01:38

You take this ring and give me your bow.

1:01:40

Yeah with this ring. I'd be wood and your

1:01:44

bottle It's

1:01:46

just yeah, it's a weird. We're just ring. I come in your

1:01:48

butthole. I'm glad that they didn't have to have that conversation Yeah,

1:01:51

I don't think that it would congratulations you

1:01:53

two Our kids

1:01:55

are getting married All

1:01:59

right, should we move off to I can't wait to see what

1:02:01

the Honeymoon

1:02:03

looks like I can't wait to see the sheets.

1:02:05

You know what I mean? All right next thing's

1:02:08

up So

1:02:10

you're telling me there's a chance Hooray,

1:02:13

we aren't doomed. Yeah All

1:02:16

right. So this is good news. Yes, it's really good

1:02:18

news. I'm not cool. Yeah. I love good news This

1:02:21

guy is called the bike whisperer All

1:02:24

right, like whisper vigilante who find stolen

1:02:26

bikes and helps reform fees Okay,

1:02:29

and I find a capital of Local

1:02:33

bus driver and self-confessed bike nerd

1:02:36

but Jartmar Leison

1:02:38

has become a local hero by helping

1:02:41

to return hundreds of stolen bikes On

1:02:44

top of his noble act. He has helped the

1:02:46

bike fees to reform Reform these

1:02:48

bike fees in the process. I'm gonna assume that you're

1:02:50

a nerd of some sort of your first name is

1:02:53

Bajartmar Yeah Bajartmar

1:02:57

That can't be how it's pronounced right? No,

1:02:59

what's that? It goes for by Bajart My

1:03:03

name is Bajartbar. My friends call me Bajart

1:03:05

call me Jart Sorry,

1:03:09

what yeah just call me Jart that's cool

1:03:12

B Jart B Jart. Yeah Let's

1:03:15

make a good night in 2019 Bajart

1:03:18

noticed the stark rise in bike

1:03:20

thefts in Rachami rather

1:03:23

than act Rather than

1:03:25

accepted the bikes were gone forever He decided

1:03:27

to take matters into his own hands and

1:03:29

started to track down the bikes and return

1:03:31

them to the rifle owners Nice the 44

1:03:34

year old has helped return hundreds of bikes

1:03:36

over the past four years and developed a

1:03:38

reputation amongst Nice to be cyclist community and

1:03:40

even potential bike thieves as the bike whisperer

1:03:43

His Facebook page has more than 14 thousand

1:03:46

five hundred members. That's cool And

1:03:49

helps people track down so in that

1:03:52

in that group the tracks down lost

1:03:54

bikes This page extends to

1:03:56

people who have lost tools cars and other

1:03:58

items of value Man,

1:04:00

this is happening in Bajart, Bike

1:04:02

Whisperer. I can see it now

1:04:04

on like TLC, like some reality TV

1:04:07

show. Yeah, like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Bajart! Bike

1:04:10

Whisperer. Bajart the Bike Whisperer. Ding

1:04:12

ding! Alooga!

1:04:17

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little gear noise.

1:04:20

That, yeah, Bajart. That

1:04:22

needs to be a show. Like, it's like the repo

1:04:24

show. He's sneaking in and

1:04:26

grabbing them because pedaling is so fast

1:04:28

out of driveways. Yeah

1:04:31

like that. Take their bike and they're

1:04:33

like, what? Bajart, no one's ever said it like that. Sorry.

1:04:37

No one's ever said it quite like you. I

1:04:39

think that takes a

1:04:42

good dude to, because at

1:04:44

first you're like, what the fuck's wrong with you? These

1:04:46

things belong to someone else and then just to realize like, alright.

1:04:50

Like they're, maybe they're doing this just because they

1:04:52

need to get around because they don't have anything.

1:04:54

And to be able to like make that transition

1:04:56

into like, then full on helping them. Helping

1:04:59

them figure out better ways to steal bikes. He's

1:05:02

like, listen, what's the reason you need to do? Some

1:05:04

less violence. Well way to go Bajart. Yeah. Proud

1:05:07

of you. Some goodness in the world. He's

1:05:10

got a good, good heart. Yeah. Gotta

1:05:12

be a good Bajart. That's

1:05:15

what I was trying to do. Alright,

1:05:17

anyway. Something found on the

1:05:19

internet. You ready? Alright.

1:05:22

ZACK! The internet is pretty wild. Depending

1:05:25

on your browsing habits, you can

1:05:27

either experience something super cool or

1:05:30

go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's

1:05:33

check it out. Together, as

1:05:35

a couple. Hey, look what I

1:05:37

found. Yeah! That's

1:05:39

awesome! And I remember this coming

1:05:42

into our email at heyguysatcandydontpodcast.com, but

1:05:44

I don't remember who sent

1:05:46

it in. Do you remember off the top of your head? I

1:05:49

don't. It's a

1:05:51

goose head and neck dick dildo.

1:05:54

It's a gay sex dildo.

1:05:56

I mean, I guess it could be. I'm just going

1:05:59

any, any button. the goose anal

1:06:01

invader fucking sweet

1:06:03

I love the web the website just good

1:06:05

head what it was

1:06:07

shaped like a penis oh

1:06:10

man I just realized that but yeah

1:06:12

it's I mean for for only

1:06:14

60 bucks you can have this shoot

1:06:16

this shaped like a goose head and

1:06:18

neck monster sex toy that's a perfect

1:06:20

shape for anal play generously

1:06:23

lube the pointed tip

1:06:25

for easy entry measures a

1:06:27

whopping 15 inches long with

1:06:30

a 2.75 inch width head

1:06:33

and two-inch wide neck when

1:06:35

you're describing it dildo with a neck

1:06:37

yeah but you know you've

1:06:39

graduated to the next sex toy so

1:06:42

I how big the neck on my

1:06:44

on my fucking butt what

1:06:46

the neck there I went

1:06:49

through some of these reviews and

1:06:51

they were like a lot of people said like

1:06:53

if you can get past the head it's heaven

1:06:55

after that like if you can get the head

1:06:57

in to the neck

1:06:59

then you're like oh fuck

1:07:01

good for the kids I

1:07:04

do like this top review here though

1:07:06

this anal sex toy

1:07:09

is truly amazing I purchased a

1:07:11

great number of items over the years for

1:07:13

the purpose of screwing my asshole as deep

1:07:15

as possible and it has been

1:07:18

great fun this bad boy is

1:07:20

huge and I love it with liberal lubrication

1:07:22

I managed to shove it 10 inches on

1:07:24

the first try which was thrilling to say

1:07:26

the least further tries have

1:07:28

been marginal I've taken a fence post

1:07:31

with ease and I'm determined

1:07:33

to obtain the same result with

1:07:35

the goose I love taking

1:07:37

these long thick dicks up my bowels your

1:07:40

products are the greatest of pleasure for pleasuring

1:07:42

me go long and thicker let's not glaze

1:07:44

over the fence post I

1:07:47

know you're like no no no

1:07:49

no go backwards because the fence post is way

1:07:51

bigger than this gooseneck dick well not all posts

1:07:53

are I guess that's

1:07:56

a metal post mm-hmm this

1:07:58

thing is huge it takes a little up warm

1:08:01

up to take the head in but god is

1:08:03

it worth it the feeling I get when I

1:08:05

have it deep my ass is indescribable

1:08:07

better than any other toy I've ever

1:08:09

had simply the best

1:08:11

simply the best. And

1:08:16

they missed an opportunity to put a little

1:08:19

like honk effect inside

1:08:21

of the dildo because I would have been fucking awesome. Yeah,

1:08:23

just last one received mine

1:08:26

today and I couldn't wait to get started

1:08:28

took about 15 minutes to get over the head

1:08:30

and there was no let up. Okay.

1:08:33

Only got halfway down only

1:08:35

one big drawback the shaft was too

1:08:37

soft it had to be supported with

1:08:40

your hands all very well pleased with all

1:08:42

in all is very well pleased with the goose and

1:08:44

I recommend it. If you were into

1:08:46

oversized toys I never thought I'd be

1:08:48

able to take anything that wide bring on the

1:08:50

next size. Fucking graduate just

1:08:53

graduating like what's big

1:08:55

like what's next goose

1:08:57

neck fuck that what's

1:09:00

next what's next good head you got another

1:09:03

mallard you gotta you gotta let me go

1:09:05

you gotta flamingo head I can shove my ass

1:09:07

for ostrich oh jeez I

1:09:10

have the wig worse I go sorry sorry

1:09:13

about that it took me a long time to

1:09:15

be able to take this dildo but because of

1:09:17

this dildo I can say with confidence and help

1:09:19

me take my first smaller fist yeah

1:09:22

that's a pretty up that one hell

1:09:24

yeah what a ride you we think

1:09:26

you'd be ostrich sized. Ostracized?

1:09:28

I'll bet it's ostrich size if

1:09:30

you can get it in it's

1:09:32

heaven which is amazing I loved it

1:09:34

so much would highly recommend I just

1:09:37

love people in comment sections on goose

1:09:39

dildo hmm being like just

1:09:41

go just shove this monster in

1:09:44

your fucking ass and live

1:09:46

your life buddy ah

1:09:49

fucking hiccups okay let's move on and hear

1:09:51

from our kids okay okay Zach alright

1:09:58

let's hear what you guys think You

1:10:00

want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool

1:10:04

Man nice want to shove a goose in my

1:10:06

ass. Mmm All right.

1:10:08

You want to take the first one or me

1:10:11

to okay? Go ahead our first first email is

1:10:13

sent in by a little kiddo Blake. Hi Blake.

1:10:15

Hey, Daddy's It's your mentally ill

1:10:17

offspring Blake No one

1:10:19

I'm 16 and I've been listening to

1:10:22

y'all's podcast since the podcast that Joe

1:10:24

Horsecock did before this one Yep,

1:10:27

I've had access to all the internet since I was

1:10:30

12. So there you

1:10:32

go. Perfect example, right? Glad

1:10:35

you're here So my mind

1:10:37

is riddled with dirty jokes fingerless leather

1:10:39

gloves and sexy geese nice I

1:10:41

currently live in a residential hospital kind of like a

1:10:43

long-term Psych ward but a ton

1:10:46

more chill and a ton of crazy shit

1:10:48

happens. I'm fucking bad at the

1:10:50

res I'm

1:10:52

assuming that's like much within the nickname for

1:10:54

the Okay at the res we're

1:10:56

not allowed to have our phones and personal devices

1:10:59

So a lot of people get really really

1:11:01

mad. So when I read this email It

1:11:04

may because I was thinking about the noophobia

1:11:07

my oh shit. This is a perfect example

1:11:09

of someone with noophobia. Mm-hmm I

1:11:12

seen multiple windows smashed holes punched

1:11:14

in walls in the funniest and

1:11:17

the funniest a door get fully ripped off its

1:11:19

hinges When that was happening, I

1:11:21

was sitting at the end of the hallway calling my

1:11:23

boyfriend Dude, let's call

1:11:25

him Mike because he's usually the sweetest guy

1:11:27

Mike is not a giant dude. I

1:11:29

think probably Joe sighs stay like

1:11:33

cockwise or Short

1:11:36

one me There

1:11:38

is a room that we are not allowed into

1:11:40

because sharps Important info and

1:11:42

personal devices are stored there and

1:11:45

he was trying to sneak in there to get in to get

1:11:47

in there to get his phone To

1:11:50

a wall a wall he's gonna go away

1:11:52

well Maybe maybe staff grabbed him trying to

1:11:55

restrain him another staff was trying to push

1:11:57

him back and he said There's

1:12:00

something along the line thing along the lines

1:12:02

of I'm going to fucking curb stop your

1:12:04

head You don't get the fuck

1:12:06

out of here right now Trust

1:12:13

me this is one of the best

1:12:15

res's in California So staff never

1:12:18

speak like this especially with other kids around

1:12:20

He was probably fired and so was the other

1:12:22

staff holding him back because laying hands on a

1:12:24

child is very not allowed Kids

1:12:27

are there very traumatized or were stuff

1:12:29

like that including me I just sat

1:12:31

in the into the hallway watching this

1:12:33

unfold hysterically laughing I don't know

1:12:35

why it was so funny to me, but it

1:12:38

was people were either staring laughing crying or clapping

1:12:40

and moving

1:12:42

with This

1:12:46

picture in like we move the cookies now

1:12:49

this is going on Another

1:12:51

really funny time was I was in the psych ward Was

1:12:54

we're walking to the cafeteria and a blood

1:12:57

and in my ward got into a fucking

1:12:59

fight with a crit Police

1:13:01

came in and everyone except me and my

1:13:03

friends sitting in the corner scared to laugh

1:13:05

The kids end up getting knocked out with

1:13:08

booty juice, which hurts like listening

1:13:10

to Brian real loud. Oh Getting

1:13:13

a stab from a 16 year old kid in

1:13:15

the 16 year old in a psych ward just

1:13:17

fucking just burned you dude. Oh And

1:13:20

I looked at booty juice it's like a

1:13:22

spritz basically like a spray that fucks you

1:13:25

up gotcha that they apparently want outlawed but

1:13:27

I Just want to say you

1:13:29

guys honestly saved my life one time I was about to

1:13:31

end it all about to hang myself I

1:13:34

was able to play music to the going to

1:13:36

play music to end it

1:13:38

in your podcast came on I ended up sitting on

1:13:40

the ground crying and laughing. Thank you so much Whenever

1:13:43

I have urges or wanted thoughts I play can

1:13:45

you don't and thank you so much apologize This

1:13:47

wasn't really funny, but I thought it would make

1:13:49

a good joke Brian. Please. Give me a sexy honk,

1:13:52

please And

1:13:55

Joe slap those sexy leather gloves together. No,

1:13:58

of course the one show I'm not wearing I'll

1:14:00

do it. There you go. And Zach, please

1:14:02

don't be the creepy uncle. I'm begging you.

1:14:04

No promises. Yeah Sorry, not sorry for long

1:14:06

email three out of five stars wouldn't change

1:14:08

thing Blake PS I'm gonna send

1:14:10

some fan art suit to the scat

1:14:12

cave. Oh great Blake looking forward to it That's

1:14:15

fun. Blake. Yeah, that is funny I can picture

1:14:18

the whole scene and when you're

1:14:20

in there like you're looking for some

1:14:22

fucking entertainment and right there Someone

1:14:25

trying to grab their phone and then being yelled. They're gonna

1:14:27

get skirt curve stomp Do you remember

1:14:29

in like I remember like elementary school There

1:14:32

was a couple of kids that were like the

1:14:34

troublemakers in school Mm-hmm, and you'd be out of

1:14:36

recess or sometimes they'd be in their classroom. Mm-hmm

1:14:38

And then the teacher would be like, you know,

1:14:41

whoever name you need to

1:14:43

do this and they're like, no, fuck you and

1:14:45

you're like Oh shit, here we go And

1:14:48

like the kid would get like throw chairs

1:14:50

and like punch teachers, but you were like

1:14:52

this is gonna be Awesome,

1:14:55

I'm so glad I came to school today not

1:14:57

and not a cell phone in the place just

1:14:59

people enjoying the show Right, you know what I

1:15:01

mean? Yeah, no one filming it just sitting there

1:15:03

knowing in the moment. Yeah Well,

1:15:07

we love you Blake glad you listen to the show

1:15:09

glad to have you part of the community Our second

1:15:11

email was sent in by our dog loving daughter Angela.

1:15:14

Hello, Joe and Brian Daughter

1:15:17

Angela here from the middle of nowhere,

1:15:19

Pennsylvania I actually have a pretty

1:15:21

fun story about my time in Leavenworth, Washington

1:15:23

last year My

1:15:27

childhood friend Jackie moved to Washington a few

1:15:29

years ago I hadn't really done much

1:15:31

traveling either or much much traveling

1:15:33

ever so I went to visit her She knows

1:15:35

I like little breweries and whatnot and my trip

1:15:37

happened to line up with Oktoberfest out there. Whoo.

1:15:40

It's wild I know I was In

1:15:42

town for Oktoberfest this year. It was well, so

1:15:45

he made the trip It was an extremely fun

1:15:47

time where boyfriend drove us and we got drunk

1:15:49

Well, we were sitting there and this

1:15:52

dog starts running through the town No owner

1:15:54

in sight so Jackie and I being the

1:15:56

animal lovers that we are and started trying to catch

1:15:58

the dog He was running back

1:16:00

and forth on the street, running through the crowds. The

1:16:03

police were even chasing it at one point, like we

1:16:05

went into the gas station and spent a ridiculous price

1:16:07

on treats and jerky to try and lure

1:16:10

it to us so we could make sure it didn't

1:16:12

get hit by any of the traffic. Honestly,

1:16:15

last picture of the Benny

1:16:17

Hill chase music and two, yeah,

1:16:20

honestly, just picture a case.

1:16:22

Honestly, just picture the Benny Hill

1:16:25

chase music and two adults, slightly

1:16:27

inebriated women running after a

1:16:29

dog all through Leavenworth. Her

1:16:32

boyfriend convinces us after an hour and a half

1:16:34

of chasing the dog, that's a long time to

1:16:37

be trying to chase the dog, that we

1:16:39

really did give it our best effort and we'd be

1:16:41

heartbroken if we were to see it get hit. So

1:16:43

best is call it quits. We're about to get

1:16:46

into her vehicle and the dog just walks right

1:16:48

after her. We see this

1:16:50

older couple approaching the dog, so she asks if

1:16:52

it's theirs, they say yes. So she

1:16:54

goes on this mini tirade about how the dog got out

1:16:56

and was running through the town and was very close getting

1:16:58

hit a few

1:17:00

times about how we tried to lure it

1:17:02

to us with some treats. The man angrily

1:17:05

says, you fed her? She

1:17:08

could get sick. To

1:17:10

which Jackie responded, it's better than dead on the

1:17:12

road. Anyways, they stop talking to

1:17:14

us pretty much immediately. I guess that's not a

1:17:16

super funny story, but damn, do I miss the

1:17:18

West Coast and hopefully you

1:17:22

get a kick out of your daughter's running through

1:17:24

traffic to save some unknown dogs. Sorry if Daddy

1:17:27

Brian reads this. I know it's a while. So

1:17:29

I just have to say, sorry about the hiccups,

1:17:31

everybody. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

1:17:33

I just have to say, for the people wondering

1:17:35

like, oh, sorry if Daddy Brian reads this. Like,

1:17:39

come on, Joe's over here. Yeah,

1:17:42

at least I can read. That's true. Something's

1:17:45

that. Even with hiccups. Fucking

1:17:48

still read good or fucking pull them

1:17:50

through, baby. I love that. That

1:17:53

would be so frustrating. You spent an

1:17:55

hour and a half out of your

1:17:57

day, money, buying treats, all this kind

1:17:59

of And then you find the people

1:18:01

and you're like, why did you do

1:18:03

that? You could have made him sick

1:18:06

Fuck you, dude. You could have got hit by a car Trying

1:18:09

to rein in your dog and you're getting mad

1:18:11

at me. Just so ungrateful. It's like pulling something

1:18:13

from a car and then they Get

1:18:17

paralyzed, but their car was gonna explode.

1:18:19

Sorry save your life Or

1:18:21

like like just some off off the cuff thing

1:18:23

like we didn't know what her name was you

1:18:26

were calling her sausage And like

1:18:28

well her name is Brenda. She doesn't like to

1:18:30

be called sausage There's like to be called sausage.

1:18:32

That was her name before we got her from

1:18:34

the kill shelter. You're like, okay She knows that

1:18:36

name. She does not like she hates it. You've

1:18:38

really upset her You're you're lucky.

1:18:40

She's not crying and you're like just take your dog

1:18:42

get the fuck out of my face Get

1:18:45

out get out. Yeah, I

1:18:47

know exactly what gas station stuck Right

1:18:50

in the corner there. Yeah, we many times

1:18:52

one time we were drinking really

1:18:54

late We were the last

1:18:56

ones walking around town leavenworth like

1:18:59

everyone had gone home is late and And

1:19:02

on a weekend our buddy our other buddy Zach was

1:19:05

he got spam I've

1:19:07

never even seen anybody eat spam before

1:19:09

he was drunk

1:19:12

got spam and we're Proceeding just

1:19:14

throwing spam in the middle of

1:19:16

the street. Everyone's gone It's

1:19:18

just us like a group of five dudes. It's like

1:19:20

see how far we could throw spam Just spamming

1:19:23

the neighborhood. Yeah, you know what I mean?

1:19:25

Mm-hmm. Spam is good. Oh, man

1:19:28

I want to be pretty like dipping chips in it and

1:19:30

stuff. I want to I want to be perhaps with spam

1:19:32

right now, baby Leavenworth's

1:19:34

funny place. I yeah if you're in this

1:19:36

area you end up ever end up in

1:19:38

Washington Dude, go to

1:19:40

it's just that go visit the ghost. It

1:19:43

is so goofy fucking Shrek

1:19:45

town, dude Mm-hmm. All the font

1:19:47

is the Shrek font from all movies. It's

1:19:49

ridiculous. Well, that's episode 84 Yeah,

1:19:53

Austin my hiccups are gonna venture over into the bonus

1:19:55

stuff And if

1:19:57

you want to hear that you can you've

1:19:59

got to sign up and support us on Patreon. You'll find

1:20:01

a link in the episode description or

1:20:03

you can go directly to

1:20:06

patreon.com/Candidontpodcast. We've got Instagram, we

1:20:08

got Facebook, got the YouTube version, you have the

1:20:10

video side of our show, you can go do

1:20:12

it there. And then something you wanna see

1:20:14

on the show, we mentioned it last week, but we

1:20:16

are recording way in advance, because

1:20:18

of some upcoming trips, so we're

1:20:20

gonna be burning through content. So

1:20:23

please, send stuff in, stories, confessions,

1:20:25

all that stuff to heyguysatcandidontpodcast.com and

1:20:27

continuing to get all the emails in of

1:20:30

everyone jumping over and checking out the Scatcast universe,

1:20:32

so thank you guys for doing that. We love

1:20:34

Uncle Zach, and he puts so

1:20:36

much work into everything he's doing over there. So

1:20:39

go to scatcast.com, that is Scat with a K.

1:20:42

Scat cards, cards, cards. Cards, cards, cards, cards,

1:20:44

cards. Get your cards, pick a card, and

1:20:46

a card. And then thanks to the babysitters,

1:20:48

all of you that run the Candidont Playground Facebook

1:20:51

page, we truly appreciate you. And send in the

1:20:53

stuff for the cave still. What's so hot so

1:20:55

much? Send in the stuff for the cave still.

1:20:57

Yeah, keep sending that. We have the physical, I

1:20:59

know people have been writing in about doing some

1:21:02

fan art, that's awesome. You'll find a link to

1:21:04

the PO box to send stuff in right

1:21:07

there in the episode description. All right, you ready to

1:21:09

wrap this shit up? Mm-hmm. Okay,

1:21:11

Zachy. Good

1:21:14

God, wrap it up already, huh? All

1:21:18

right, go. What? Ready for this

1:21:20

shit? That was a fake one,

1:21:22

could you tell? Yeah. You

1:21:25

think swimming with sharks is expensive?

1:21:27

Yeah. Swimming with sharks costs me

1:21:29

an arm and a leg. I

1:21:33

love how that's phrased, it's like it's just

1:21:35

a normal. You

1:21:37

think swimming with sharks is expensive, right?

1:21:42

I'm picturing someone giving a shark

1:21:44

tour on a boat and they're missing an arm and a

1:21:46

leg. And they're telling you how to be safe.

1:21:50

Don't. They're laying down on the

1:21:52

bottom of the boat, the hull, is that what

1:21:54

it's called? The hull. The hull, and they're laying

1:21:57

down, they're missing an arm and a leg. All

1:21:59

right, everybody. Get over here for safety

1:22:01

instructions. Everybody head to

1:22:03

the hole for safety briefing.

1:22:06

Yeah. And you go over there and it's just like

1:22:08

a pirate looking dude with one wooden leg and a

1:22:10

missing leg and missing an arm. He's like, okay, here's

1:22:12

what you're going to want to do. Do

1:22:14

your scally way. Do not stick your

1:22:16

legs or your arms outside of the

1:22:18

cage. And you're just like, yeah. Is

1:22:21

that what you did? That's what I did. But

1:22:23

you know, he's got a guy like that would have

1:22:25

a bunch of puns and a bunch of funny jokes

1:22:27

about it. But he would, that's

1:22:29

the, he would make this joke. He's

1:22:32

like, I know it sounds expensive to come out here. 250

1:22:35

bucks to get in the water, which I mean, 250 bucks is nothing. Someone

1:22:40

starts costing me an arm and a leg. And

1:22:42

he wiggles the stump a little bit. Yeah. And

1:22:44

then other crowds like pirate

1:22:48

Jim is so funny. Oh,

1:22:50

good. He's on the, he's on a cruise. Like

1:22:52

he's a, that he's a comedian on a cruise.

1:22:56

A comedian that just lays on the days. Cause

1:23:00

he got all his limbs jumped off by a

1:23:02

shark and he's lays there and has a microphone

1:23:04

resting like taped to his face. And he's like,

1:23:06

what do you call a guy that doesn't have

1:23:09

any arms and legs floating in the ocean? Pirate

1:23:12

Jim. Or else you guys tomorrow

1:23:14

night. Bob! Bob! That's

1:23:16

right. That's right. He got

1:23:18

it. He's coming out. He's

1:23:20

coming out here tomorrow night. And he gets to my side. I'll be right

1:23:23

here. I can't go anywhere. What time are

1:23:25

you eating? He's like, thanks. And

1:23:27

then doesn't leave the stage. So

1:23:30

what time are you eating? He's

1:23:39

like, little struggle moves. He's

1:23:43

trying to eat some roast. He's

1:23:47

got a

1:23:50

nice roast of mashed potatoes and then Bob's

1:23:53

laying on the stage breathing into a microphone that's taped

1:23:55

to his face. Show

1:24:00

you've ever been to think of a comedy

1:24:02

show whatever like or a concert

1:24:05

a band that doesn't leave They're

1:24:07

like, thank you. And then they just

1:24:09

stay where they're at and everyone just puts their instruments

1:24:11

down and watch That's

1:24:20

such a weird Concept

1:24:22

because the stage always clears and

1:24:24

people file out But if

1:24:26

they just didn't leave and they were still like the comedians

1:24:28

like thank you But it's terrific audience. We should be

1:24:30

obvious. Well, I'll see you guys next week He puts

1:24:33

the microphone back on the stand against me. Just just

1:24:35

fold this up There's

1:24:38

he's like is he doing more jokes? Yeah, is this like

1:24:40

a weird encore what's going on fuck is happening right now

1:24:44

Alright, let's jump off to the bonus stuff. Okay.

1:24:46

Okay. All right, Zach jump off the plank You