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like animal Us Consumer Access network. Peacemaker,

1:02

foam fingers, ginger, neck

1:05

brace. What

1:08

do you

1:12

wear to

1:15

hats? You

1:25

look different. You think I don't normally wear hats? Well,

1:28

it's the first time you've ever seen me wear

1:30

hats. Yeah, maybe. Probably, yeah. Well,

1:34

one, I need a haircut. And

1:36

the second one is I

1:39

had a fucking wild night last night.

1:41

Did you? Yeah. First

1:43

thing I did was get into bed. And

1:47

the second thing I did was for no. What time

1:49

did you get home? What time did I get in

1:52

bed? I was home working

1:54

all day. So

1:56

I climbed into bed. But I'm confused. Climbed into bed, I'm

1:58

going to say, probably around 9 o'clock. Not

2:01

yeah, okay, so already off to a crazy

2:03

fucking night Mm-hmm, and then Cassie and I

2:05

just for no reason stayed awake until 4

2:08

a.m. Watching America says on

2:10

the game show network And

2:12

then I woke up at like 7 or 8 so

2:14

I'm a little tired a little tired I think I've

2:16

ever seen America says oh, it's a good one with

2:19

their host John Michael Higgins See

2:23

Looks like a little elf. Oh, yeah that guy.

2:25

Yeah, what's he from? I've never everyone said lots

2:27

of things glee or pitch perfect or one of

2:29

those shows but Yeah,

2:32

so I'm wearing a hat just uh,

2:34

it's gonna ride on through today So

2:36

if I do fall asleep just come wake me up. Okay,

2:39

just shave it off She's

2:41

my head. Yeah, I mean yeah, I

2:44

mean it's starting to it's balding But

2:46

that's not why I'm wearing a hat because I need

2:48

a haircut and I'm just didn't want to do that

2:51

So hat went on my head where do you go get your haircut

2:54

the fastest place you possibly go like

2:57

speed cut It's

3:05

so funny, I don't know if

3:07

I'm sure everywhere there it's like

3:09

sports cuts or something Mm-hmm, work lips.

3:12

Yeah, and it's just like women and

3:14

scantily clothes and sports on tap and

3:16

beer Just cut my

3:18

hair just cut my hair and let me go

3:20

home. Please. Can I go home? You haven't had

3:22

your beer yet? Yeah,

3:27

those are the those are funny I mean that

3:29

I think that's sexist just to

3:31

be like all men want to be if

3:33

we had if we if we made something

3:35

that Was like for women. Mm-hmm.

3:37

It was just like you can get your

3:39

hair and go shopping. You can also vacuum

3:41

the floor Yeah, they'd be

3:43

well, sorry like it's good. Yes. I

3:46

vacuum your own hair after it gets

3:48

cut. Yeah, that's a bonus, you know Yeah,

3:50

yeah, well women enjoy that. Oh my god

3:53

Imagine sitting like she go get your hair

3:56

cut and then as on your way back.

3:58

They give you an apron and then

4:00

your little stall gets just a stove you

4:02

have to stand up at the stove and get your haircut while

4:05

you're making what a sandwich or something for

4:07

the kids packing lunches for tomorrow yeah oh

4:11

man episode 91 if you want the

4:13

bonus content you get that by signing

4:15

up to our patreon and you'll find

4:17

a link in the bonus content you'll

4:19

find a link in the episode description we

4:21

got merch got exclusive merch for the gaggle

4:24

if you do support us on patreon and

4:26

then other merch for everybody all the kids

4:28

just head over to can you know podcast.com

4:30

we're doing lap time on the show today

4:33

can we get it can we get

4:35

a quick preview zachie it's st paddy's day

4:38

and red-haired folk those

4:40

go hand in hand don't think i thought i saw

4:42

two red-haired folks in front of me so i thought

4:44

we'd dig in you son of a bitch i

4:46

mean i'm like what

4:49

you're definitely more strawberry

4:51

strawberry blonde sure yeah but my beard

4:53

is about as about as red as it

4:55

gets my pubes bright

4:58

purple do your does the carpet match the pubes

5:02

i don't know if they just mess up the

5:04

thing like that i just

5:06

fucking does your shower curtain have pubes

5:08

the same color or

5:10

whatever you just show curtain of

5:12

pubes what color are your shower curtains

5:15

pubes bro you

5:17

can tell me i won't tell anybody uh let's

5:20

read a funny little email from our son brad

5:22

and then we'll get into the show it says

5:24

brad so i'm listening to flood vineyard twins will

5:26

joe ever learned his lesson about tsa nope i'm

5:29

in the drive-through at whataburger

5:31

i'm watching an instagram reel waiting to

5:33

get my food the guy

5:36

comes to the window with my order and

5:38

i close my phone the episode resumes playing

5:40

joe is right in the middle of describing

5:42

describing how brimming panties isn't that much shit

5:45

talking about the girl from new zealand who drinks

5:47

so much he shit herself that's a good story

5:49

i panic and turn the volume down but the

5:51

damage is done the guy at the window holding

5:53

my food is in shock and i can start

5:55

laughing uncontrollably because what else can you do thankfully

5:58

i was in a different town Then

6:00

where I live so I don't have to show

6:03

my face of that joint again We

6:05

need to come up with a name for situations like that. I think

6:07

we tried at one point I kind

6:09

of like the name daunted Do

6:13

an apostrophe T apostrophe ed Donted

6:16

it doesn't make sense, but it seems to fit

6:18

just wanted to tell you about the hilarious embarrassing

6:20

drive-through encounter Sorry Brian if you get stuck reading

6:22

this. Yeah, we should do a Phrase

6:25

like that and then and then

6:27

put in the dictionary In

6:30

the urban dictionary. No the real real one.

6:32

Yeah, you got Webster's number No, but I

6:34

think if we start a we start a

6:36

riot Or something

6:39

and we might be able to get it on

6:41

there be the first people to write at the

6:43

Webster dictionary headquarters We'd probably get some attention Give

6:47

a little give a little boost. Yeah. Yeah, I

6:49

mean fuck I'd be down the little picket sign

6:51

Don't just like put it in

6:53

the book put it in the book.

6:55

Yeah Give

6:58

it a shot. We just two people walking

7:00

in a little circle. Everyone was supposed to

7:02

be there, but just us Yeah, that one

7:04

look good. Zach's filming. You can hear him

7:06

off-camera put it in the book. No

7:08

Zach's across the street going We'll

7:12

laugh at him, that's all we need. All right,

7:14

let's kick the show off this doer Let's get

7:16

this thing rolling Zach Hey,

7:20

shut up, shut the show already This

7:24

is a combo effort between our son Matthew

7:27

Matthew? Matthew what? Matthew

7:32

our son Andrew and then us here at

7:34

can you don't this is a sick ass

7:36

fucking gang bang, bro Yeah, would you

7:38

rather with no chicks? It's just all dudes

7:41

just bunch of dudes? Broin

7:44

Would you rather have to wear two giant foam

7:47

fingers? Oh, sorry Oh, I I have an image

7:49

that popped in my head. I have to say

7:51

it before I forget. I'm sorry before I come

7:54

I just picture like a gang ring with a

7:56

bunch of dudes. Yeah, but what works

7:59

great is that You have one

8:01

guy face one way and then they all face the

8:03

same. Yeah, kind of like a centipede, you know Mm-hmm,

8:05

and then you just get to you move like a

8:07

robot kind of like yeah, it's like a row Stroke

8:12

and everyone's like At

8:16

the same time It got one

8:19

I guess Depending on who's in

8:21

the very front of the row line. Yeah, he's

8:23

either getting getting screwed Well, you just go in

8:25

a circle pun intended. Oh, you go in a

8:27

circle and it's all the way connected. Everything's fucked

8:29

Yeah, everyone's getting fucked and getting some fucking

8:31

in and everyone leaves with a dick the curves

8:34

to the left Yeah, no problem slightly to the

8:36

left. Would you rather have to wear two giant

8:38

foam fingers on your hands? Okay,

8:40

along with a soda drinking hat the

8:42

whole time that you're awake or three

8:44

times a day Be

8:46

forced to listen to the night your mom got

8:49

pregnant with you I'm

8:52

just gonna throw this out there. Yeah I

8:57

Doesn't what I mean

8:59

said the first thing sounds like a lot

9:01

of work Yeah, of

9:03

course my brain goes straight to waking up Like

9:06

you get to take it or you can take

9:08

your phone fingers off and your I mean your whatever

9:11

beer hat You're soda drinking hat right for bed. You

9:13

put on your little nightstand Okay,

9:16

so I guess you can't cuz you're awake still you don't get to

9:18

retire it But at some point maybe

9:20

your wife or your your partner is very nice

9:23

So you you fun you fall asleep they take it

9:25

off slide your phone fingers off Kind of like what

9:27

you like when you walk in and

9:29

fix the blanket on some yeah Kids

9:31

in yeah, they're doing like some kind of weird pose and

9:34

you're like, no, let's get that leg back in there I'm

9:36

just talk to sweet angel right into bed and they

9:38

do that to you But it's phone fingers and it's sort of

9:41

drinking hat but then you wake up and you have to go to

9:43

the bathroom You're like you have

9:45

to put it on immediately Immediately

9:48

you you wake up you like

9:56

How do you pee with two giant phone fingers you

9:59

just you gotta You gotta just wiggle

10:01

the pants down and just let it fly.

10:03

You never have to wash your hands. No,

10:05

no, you have to imagine,

10:08

you walked into a public restroom and someone's

10:10

using those hand dryer, but

10:13

it got two giant full fingers. Well,

10:16

your hands would get sweaty. And the line is

10:18

so long and you're just standing in front of

10:20

15 dudes trying to dry your

10:22

phone fingers and the hand dryer. So anybody that's been

10:24

to a public restroom,

10:27

one, if you've been to like a stadium

10:30

or something, how gross the men's bathroom is.

10:32

I've never been to women's, but I'm sure

10:34

it's gross, but not as gross as the

10:36

men's. No, because you're just pissing everywhere. And

10:38

we're just a different piece. So

10:42

there's, I mean, when you go into the men's

10:44

bathroom, there

10:47

are stalls and there are urinals and they're

10:50

just dude, like 50 dudes lined up against

10:52

the wall waiting for some guy to finish.

10:54

And then you have to walk up there

10:56

and then everyone's staring at you while

10:59

you're taking a piss. Now imagine doing

11:01

that. Well, the helmet wouldn't be

11:03

a thing. I'd be like, yeah, whatever dude, like fucking

11:05

sick helmet. Can I have a

11:07

sip? Yeah. But then

11:09

the whole hand process, wiping your ass

11:12

with a phone finger. Yeah, that's out.

11:14

And well, I guess it already is

11:16

toilet paper. Yeah, it is.

11:18

You just have to wash it off. Just sticking your

11:20

phone finger in your asshole. Holding

11:23

that up like we're number one. That's just covered

11:26

in shit. We're number two. Ah,

11:28

gosh dang, man. Okay, that'd be fine for

11:30

Brown's fans though. Hey, and

11:32

I am one. This sounds

11:34

great. You better hope.

11:37

What if it was an awful sex night? Your

11:39

mom didn't want to do it. Your dad's like,

11:42

come on. He's like, come on,

11:44

you know what I get? You know what

11:46

I get when I have five cruise lights? She's

11:48

like, can we please go to bed? He's like, no, no

11:51

we can't. And you just have to listen to it every day? Can

11:54

you please pretend like you like it? I don't even care if

11:56

you like it. I'm just gonna do it. Jerry,

11:59

just her. Hurry up, I'm tired. Okay, fine, go.

12:01

And she just, laying there, so all you

12:03

hear, it's not even your mom. You just

12:06

hear her dad go, ugh, you like it?

12:09

Oh yeah, feel good? She's like, ugh, sure.

12:11

Yeah, you know I like it, quit asking

12:13

me. Yeah, but you're not acting like it.

12:16

Like some weird conversation you don't wanna be a part

12:18

of? And

12:21

she's just sighing, she's just, ugh. That'd

12:24

be so much different. Like imagine that versus

12:27

them, it's the most passionate night of sex they've

12:29

ever had. But these are, you might

12:31

be getting kinda hard listening to that. And that's something

12:33

you're gonna have to go to therapy for. Yeah. Like

12:36

your mom's saying just nasty shit. She's

12:38

like, fucking slap my ass.

12:41

That's the worst. I'm

12:45

just getting suffered. Your mom's saying crazy

12:48

shit like, grab my boob. She's

12:52

like, my nipple. She's really getting into it and she's

12:54

like, I got my pants off. Ooh. Look at my

12:56

tits are out. You like it

12:58

when I have both my titties out? Like she's

13:00

saying crazy shit. You

13:04

like, when I put my penis in

13:07

your vagina, I bet you move

13:09

it in and out. She's getting wild. You're saying

13:11

things like, I bet you're gonna come, huh? And

13:14

I'm like, yeah. And dad's like,

13:16

yeah, I'm probably gonna come. And it's most

13:18

likely, most likely to shut up. I'm

13:21

thinking of little things

13:23

you haven't ever, you

13:27

never want to hear your mom say. Things

13:30

that you imagine yourself saying. Yeah. And

13:32

she's like, fuck it. She's like, wreck this pussy. And

13:35

when you're done, I want a big daddy to put

13:37

it in my ass. I

13:39

want your fucking fat load in my ass,

13:41

daddy. And your dad's like, yeah. Yeah,

13:45

is that where you want it? That's

13:48

where I want it. I want to come in all my holes. I'm

13:50

gonna fucking slot. You're like, oh no. Like

13:54

three times a day. How

13:56

much cum you got in you, daddy? You gotta do it.

13:58

Can you fill all my holes tonight? dad's like

14:00

yeah probably and she's

14:03

like good I'll take

14:05

my chances fill my fucking holes is

14:08

your brother here fuck me like

14:10

the animal I am oh

14:13

no not uncle Ted oh god yeah no he's

14:15

here but he's sleeping on the couch go get

14:17

him I want you guys to fuck my holes

14:20

and you're just putting that on while you're enjoying a turkey

14:23

sandwich every meal

14:25

every meal you put some like old-school

14:27

like you have a good set player

14:30

you have to rewind it when you're

14:32

done those old headphones like the big

14:36

ones that came with your fucking Sony Walkman

14:38

and you like you they don't dead

14:41

in the sound at all so anybody that's around you can

14:43

hear it because the sound is

14:45

just going straight out yeah you're trying

14:47

to order something you take it off

14:49

he's like yeah fuck my what was

14:52

that both my whole don't your brother fuck

14:54

my ass and you're like y'all get a number two

14:57

sorry I have to listen to this

15:00

thing I don't fucking know Oh

15:04

Brian I'm just getting started

15:06

yeah that's

15:09

just that's just foreplay your

15:12

mom's saying crazy things like do you

15:15

want to come huh you're gonna come

15:17

probably in this you're probably

15:21

gonna come yeah I'm gonna try I'm

15:24

gonna give it my best effort oh man

15:26

yeah listen to your dad just going

15:29

like and

15:32

then you're like you like she moving

15:34

like he sounds like that's what I

15:36

sound like yeah like my dad you're

15:38

right in her ear

15:41

I say this to Cassie all the time

15:44

just I will find out like she's a

15:46

blow dryer hair I'll sneak up behind her

15:48

ear and this exact voice ago

15:50

she was fucking I just walk out no

15:52

matter what she's doing it's fucking you ain't

15:58

sure what a fucking kid Do

16:00

it sometimes yeah, sometimes yeah, yeah,

16:03

it works sometimes you know 30% of the

16:05

time It's

16:08

me again, you know, you have to print that

16:10

get this point I don't have to pronounce any other

16:12

words Okay

16:30

A lawyer a judge Huge

16:47

like go go Buckeyes. I'm

16:49

just like It's

16:52

great. You're you're you're the

16:54

judge right and you're in the case in like

16:56

the the the

16:58

lawyer The attorneys trying to do

17:01

something right in the but the judge has to chime in.

17:03

He's like you're making a mockery of this court Talking

17:06

about the the antics of the lawyer

17:08

while he's got a fucking beard thing

17:10

on that you're making a mockery of

17:12

this court mister Point

17:14

finger. Yeah, we're number one bouncing

17:16

around Here's

17:18

your chance. Here's your chance pick up your empty Coffee.

17:21

Okay, right. No hair this coffee. I'm gonna

17:24

be I mean this I'm gonna need a slurping sound Like

17:28

that You're

17:30

in trouble. You're the one that's getting sent into life

17:32

like to do your like to life sentences Sucks

17:40

in That

17:42

sucks you guys have more you guys have more

17:44

coffee refill in the fucking cell Man

17:48

it just that's just so I think I'm gonna have to My

17:53

Brain is so fucked. I'm

17:56

just gonna have to listen to the night.

17:58

My dad fucked my mom. Yeah times

18:00

a day. I think I'm with you on

18:02

that just because the inconvenience of well, hopefully

18:04

he was quick Yeah, hopefully

18:06

it was like just like if it was a

18:09

drunk night where they're just like she's like fuck

18:12

It's been 45 minutes. You're gonna come you fucking cool.

18:14

He's like I'm almost there I

18:16

don't know. Shut up. I don't know

18:18

your gummy worm Dick is it

18:21

fucking I can feel it bending. It feels like

18:23

a noodle trying to put out you pointed out

18:25

It's not gonna make it hard They're

18:27

getting a fight Listen

18:30

to that all the time Why do

18:32

you expect to bring up my lipstick? I'm

18:35

sorry fine. I'm calling the marriage counselor

18:37

call the marriage counselor in the morning right after

18:39

I fucking come All

18:51

right, Zach what are you gonna pick I'm

18:53

probably sick like you are an already broken There's

18:56

nothing you can't play guitar you can't use your

18:59

computer you can't yeah Yeah,

19:01

fucking six life. You sound like a

19:03

like a like a beer

19:05

bottle taped to your phone finger Little

19:09

pic sticking off the end of the finger Have

19:13

to learn a whole new strumming pattern you

19:15

would get me in trouble Well, you have to be a singer.

19:18

Did you play anything besides like guitar? I used to

19:20

I used to do a lot of things Do a

19:22

lot of things Look

19:25

at me, what do you want? Look

19:28

at me fucking drummer. I don't know. It's so

19:30

funny. Okay. Well listen to her mom's

19:32

fucker dad's I guess yeah I'm moving on to what

19:34

are you thinking about? Hey,

19:38

hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking

19:40

about? Ah, you know nothing actually, you

19:42

know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What

19:45

are you thinking about? So

19:48

this popped up at the

19:50

time that we're recording this Probably

19:52

about man. Oh shit.

19:55

What's that? We haven't gotten a call on the studio

19:57

line in a while You

20:00

gonna answer? Yeah,

20:02

I guess so. I

20:05

thought it was gonna blow up. No. Hello? Okay.

20:12

I- No, he was supposed to call you

20:14

yesterday. Okay,

20:19

yeah, he left it there. Well, isn't he supposed

20:21

to leave it there? Oh,

20:23

I left my lube. No, no,

20:25

no different. Oh. Okay,

20:27

I'll let him know. Okay,

20:30

alright, sorry about that. Okay, thanks.

20:34

It was that sperm bank. Yeah.

20:37

Did they not get my lube? No, the com goes in the cup. Oh,

20:40

yeah. So, just so you know. I

20:43

like to make sure that it's, you know, every angle

20:45

is taken care of. Yeah, but they give you that

20:47

cup. And then you were just drinking water out of

20:49

it, and you just came in. What if that was

20:52

the noise? What if your parents weren't having sex? What

20:54

if that's how your mom got pregnant? Was this your

20:56

dad turkey-based in your mom? Yeah. Well, fucking- He's

20:58

like, no, just put it- it's gotta

21:00

go more to the- Ow. Everything's giving. Everything's

21:05

giving, sweetheart. You hear a th- like a turkey-based,

21:07

they're calling it gumsquirt. Yeah, you ready for the

21:09

stuffing? You gotta be bare. It's like- you're like,

21:11

alright, I'll pick- I'll pick- listen to my mom

21:14

have sex. It's 13 seconds. Everything's

21:16

giving, babe. And she

21:18

goes, oh. And then you're- That wasn't

21:20

that bad. And then you're like, fuck that, dude.

21:23

Yeah, dude. Jackpot. So this- what I'm

21:25

thinking about, this happened about a month ago from the

21:27

time that we were recording this, it

21:29

was on a drive from- Spokane,

21:32

Washington to

21:35

Seattle. And the

21:38

halfway point, if you're from this

21:40

area, if you're not, doesn't matter, but it's a

21:42

town called Vantage, and

21:44

there's a bridge that goes- Awesome bridge. Yeah,

21:46

it goes over the Columbia River. It's an

21:48

amazing view. It's a great bridge. Showing the

21:50

fucking bridges. And we're

21:52

going over this bridge. Cassie

21:55

and I driving over there. And then just-

21:58

there's a car in front of us. Piece

22:00

of shit car with you're gonna

22:02

find out piece of shit people inside of them and

22:05

we're behind them How'd they even get up the hill? I

22:07

know it I don't even know like if you could make

22:09

less than a four-cylinder Then it

22:12

was probably that like it had Like

22:15

it was it was a mess and

22:17

we're driving behind them or not like whatever two lanes So we're

22:19

on the left link is we're gonna go around them. They're in

22:22

the right lane I and

22:24

then out of the passenger window

22:26

comes an entire bag of fucking

22:28

drive-through trash Just

22:30

throws it out the passenger window Right.

22:33

This is on the bridge right now on

22:35

the bridge. Just just throws it out Let's

22:37

see McDonald's bag just for painting a picture,

22:39

right? I'm not sure what bag it was

22:41

McDonald's back throws it out fries like fucking

22:44

go What a waste just

22:46

explode in wrappers fall everywhere And we

22:48

both just kind of look at it

22:50

like did they hit that or

22:52

did they just throw it out the fucking window? And

22:56

then about five seconds later comes the

22:58

whole pop They

23:00

soak that we used to have a cup a cup full

23:02

of pop just goes flying out the window And this

23:04

explodes on the bridge and we're just

23:07

like what if we saw this one like

23:09

what the fuck What's going on

23:11

with the rest of your life? Mm-hmm where

23:13

you are just driving down the road and

23:15

you're like fuck this Throw

23:18

a bag of trash food without the pastor

23:20

or the driver passenger Okay, and we drive

23:22

up to get a look at these motherfuckers.

23:24

I was like you call them in because

23:27

that's what Go

23:29

who does that that's so casual Yeah,

23:32

just just toss it out And then they're just sitting in

23:34

the car like they didn't just

23:36

throw an entire bag of balls of their

23:38

meals of trash out the fucking

23:41

window What

23:43

like what are you doing on the

23:45

other aspects of your life? If that's if

23:47

you're so blatant Lee doing that just fuck

23:49

them like I wanted to call them

23:51

in we didn't we should have ran Them off

23:53

the bridge. We so I didn't want to call

23:55

them in because I fucking killed him. That's a

23:57

good idea Yeah, so they're dead I'm

24:00

happy about it. No we drove a big river and

24:03

This is the first room for a

24:05

couple bags of trash right now. I'm in for dead

24:07

bottles. Oh, they are trash Yeah, that's their thing. They're

24:10

like, do you fit so much trash in this river?

24:14

Well, oh My

24:16

god, you can fit so many immigrant rappers in

24:18

this river But there is a dam down just

24:20

just down the river a little bit. So it's

24:22

probably all backed up there Yeah, I mean it

24:24

didn't go it didn't go to the river hit

24:26

the wrong like they didn't I mean wind Maybe

24:29

they were trying who the fuck knows maybe because

24:31

hate rivers. Yeah, fuck this river fuck this river

24:33

too pretty Make some rise

24:36

you how my life isn't pretty maybe they just hate

24:38

mr. Columbia. Yeah, or Roosevelt

24:40

Mm-hmm, but I drove up and then we slowed

24:43

down to get a good look at these motherfuckers

24:45

and they looked like motherfuckers They would throw trash. Yeah,

24:47

they looked a little messy Little

24:50

I mean, I'm not sure if they're like,

24:52

I don't know if we put the meth in the bag and throw the

24:54

whole bag out No, no, no, no, I don't know

24:56

what they're what they were thinking But

24:58

then we like started talking about like what what

25:00

is okay to throw out the window? Hmm,

25:04

like when is it okay to throw an entire

25:06

bag of trash out the window an ice cream

25:08

cone? Okay, I've done that out

25:10

a great dial degradable killing it. I So

25:14

ice cream cone fine if and

25:16

this is where I heard a story about one

25:19

of Cassie's friends having

25:21

to shit into a fast food bag,

25:23

mmm, like it was an emergency and

25:27

Her friend she gets she just opened up

25:29

a McDonald's bag and just shit into it

25:33

Which is that seat or something or what they

25:35

had to have been while driving seems impossible But

25:39

I mean you have a Tesla I could do it. Yeah for

25:41

sure. You can be out on top of the

25:43

roof. Yeah. Yeah But

25:45

I is that okay at that point I guess

25:47

if you shit in a bag you have to

25:50

get the shit smell Sometimes

25:52

is that some I

25:54

think sometimes things are just oh not

25:56

that they're okay, but they're necessary Them

25:59

just throw Growing food out the window just to just

26:01

because they don't give a fuck. I

26:04

think it's a lot different than someone like an Emergency

26:07

and they're like we can't But

26:10

I probably like okay if I'm on that

26:12

bridge There's a stop 30

26:15

seconds from where you're at. Yeah Yeah,

26:18

you just pull off and shit

26:20

in the bag there or whatever in that

26:22

restroom. Yeah way too many times You know

26:24

that it's a time exactly. It's a terrible

26:26

restroom. Yeah scary in there And

26:28

if it's a little Native American store in

26:31

there Who gets in the heebie-jeebies thinking about

26:33

this fucking terrible bathroom the American store? No

26:36

bathroom Oh that one that's on the gas station. Yeah with

26:38

the sign that says there's not a key if it's lock.

26:40

It's in use that one But

26:44

what I want to drag Zach in here Throw

26:47

it like what a banana peel can

26:49

that go out the window like but it's

26:51

annoying if you if everyone threw banana peels

26:53

out Gum it's

26:56

okay. So my my thought on it

26:58

if you're asking me is that it's

27:00

got to be like a Emergency situation for

27:02

all things if you're just if you're just

27:04

like eating something I got fuck I'm throwing

27:06

out the window like that just shows that

27:08

like that's just fucking rude Mm-hmm, but so

27:10

when we've thrown the ice cream out of

27:12

the window before it was because our

27:15

youngest was like Three or four he

27:17

was eating ice cream and it was melting in the

27:19

summer. It was like dripping everywhere We had nowhere to

27:22

put it. Yeah, it's like just get rid of it.

27:24

Yeah Like

27:26

that's a bird you made a bird

27:29

Birds they still talk

27:31

about yeah, they're sitting around Great

27:47

yeah good improv What

27:52

that yeah, I mean Never

27:55

okay to throw something out of the car window.

27:57

I've done it. I've had to get

27:59

rid of a drink I spit

28:01

my gum out all the time. Yeah, I've had to get rid of a

28:03

drink and a pinch We're like I thought

28:05

I was gonna get fucking arrested I wasn't

28:07

drinking but I had drink empty drinks in the car From

28:10

like picking them up from a party. Yeah, and

28:12

getting them out of there and I threw

28:15

cans out the window to get rid of Them

28:17

and I'm not proud of it. I can't really

28:20

I've done that. It was on like a country road, but

28:22

still it doesn't make it better So

28:24

I've done that but I've never gets thrown an

28:27

entire bag of fast food out the fucking window on

28:29

a freeway I Just

28:32

seems insane to me so there I feel like there's a

28:34

difference between Garbage and

28:36

like I gotta get rid of this I get

28:39

to yeah, you know situational thing

28:41

Yeah, where even the beer cans like that

28:43

was that wasn't good But at the

28:45

time you're thinking I gotta get rid

28:47

of this because I'm gonna get in trouble for whatever reason

28:49

you were in A pinch you got ahead to get rid

28:51

of it sounds like they're just like like they could have

28:53

pulled over and thrown in the trash 30

28:56

seconds from when they did that but there's like fuck

28:58

it. I don't care Maybe the driver's like I'm not

29:00

stopping she goes well fuck you. Yeah He's

29:04

like he works for like the environmental

29:06

EPA mm-hmm protection agency. He's

29:08

like that. Well fuck you babe You

29:12

know, that's my river stop bitch should have stopped it fucking would have

29:14

filled us in the trash can but now it's on The road this

29:17

is on you. Yeah, it's on the road, too Mostly

29:19

river will be a fuck you river Alright,

29:23

well that was it just fucking was super weird

29:25

What else you doing in your life everybody like

29:27

they're out there right now just living living life

29:29

driving road, you know Yeah, you

29:31

know driving road throwing trash. Mm-hmm

29:34

exactly and what else are they doing now?

29:37

Like how many other trash bags have you

29:39

thrown out the fucking window living life being awful?

29:43

All right, let's move on to some dick because we

29:45

got we got some good dick this week and then

29:47

after that comes lap time Nick

29:59

Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick technique All

30:03

right What you ready

30:05

for this? I couldn't be more ready This

30:09

is in, Minnesota Women

30:11

accused of swapping places with twin

30:13

sister after fatal crash kills two

30:15

children Fun

30:17

it's a fun headline. Yeah got my attention

30:21

Prosecutors alleged Samantha Joe Peterson

30:23

drove a vehicle while under

30:25

the influence of drugs and

30:27

rear-ended a horse-drawn carriage last

30:30

year Not

30:33

a fair fight That

30:35

is horse-drawn carol last thing the one

30:37

that got stolen from Walmart. Yeah, they're

30:39

still good still feeling it Still

30:42

in the process again, that's baby home Like

30:45

just the visual of a car

30:49

Plowing the back of a horse-drawn

30:51

carriage. What an explosion What

30:54

a scene isn't there? They put

30:56

the cart before the horse or something. Yeah

30:59

bumper put the bumper in the horse Put

31:02

that bumper in a horse's ass Anyways

31:05

a shark or napp cubes and now I'm

31:10

gonna leave I'll see myself out Paper

31:14

your dinner cubes are on your show curtain and

31:17

in the same color Okay,

31:20

so in under the caption of their picture you

31:22

can see their picture here. Oh, hello can add

31:26

Ad bro. Let me X out of that X

31:28

ad. Oh, wow Okay, so

31:31

under the caption of the picture says Samantha

31:33

Peterson is alleged to have asked her sister

31:35

Sarah to pretend She was at fault for

31:37

the fatal crash Must have had

31:39

something else going on. Can you take this one?

31:41

You hop over here and say you killed these

31:44

people this one real quick. You owe me one.

31:46

Yeah, you did the dishes You

31:49

said anytime I have a favor I for

31:51

an eye got an ass or like

31:53

when kids You know, you have the coupon

31:56

book they make you like this one's

31:58

good for I'll clean my room. Yeah Yeah,

32:00

it was good for a if

32:02

I ever kill anybody for vehicular manslaughter.

32:04

Yeah Shit

32:08

she just reaches in her purse and pulls out a Merry

32:17

Christmas don't ever say anything

32:19

for ya Okay

32:24

Women swap places with her twin sister if she

32:26

killed two children by crashing into a horse drawn

32:28

carriage Prosecutors have alleged Samantha

32:31

Joe Peters when driving a vehicle on under

32:33

the influence of drugs and rear-ended the carriage

32:36

Her twin sister initially told officers

32:38

at the scene. She was at fault for the

32:40

crash which took place on September 25th last year

32:45

Wilma Miller and Irma Miller knows the

32:47

kids Seven and eleven were

32:49

killed in the island not great their sibling

32:51

aged 9 13 were seriously injured and

32:53

take of the hospital This isn't funny, but

32:56

I would say it anyway So it's

32:58

four kids I know I know where you're going with it

33:00

and I just pictured that they didn't stop Like

33:02

in this little paragraph and he just kept

33:04

listing kids because of their I go Amish

33:07

Mmm, and it just has like 50 kids

33:09

in this fucking horse run carriage. It's like

33:11

Wilma Irma Jeba die.

33:14

Jeba die. I Don't

33:16

die escape and then the three older kids

33:18

and then the five middle children Angus

33:21

and Angus and Aurelius or

33:23

whatever Ezekiel is that an Amish name?

33:25

John boy John boy Jim Bob I

33:27

clearly don't know enough Amish people but

33:29

just to hold me like how many

33:31

people are in here? And

33:34

they were heading west. It was a horse

33:36

drawn bus carriage. Right? They had a

33:38

bitch together head west Not

33:42

fun not funny that kids died no not at all

33:45

criminal Nail that after

33:48

speaking in this vehicle a deputy

33:50

recorder her telling Samantha Peterson that there's no

33:52

way They would ever know

33:54

the difference between the two of us

33:56

so they can't tell weird Hey,

34:00

listen, you look

34:02

like me, right? Yeah. I

34:04

look like you. I used

34:06

to look like you. Your fucking face was like... Yeah, you're pretty messed

34:08

up. You're pretty messed up. Get over here. Like, this one's pretty cute.

34:11

Calm down. I mean... Don't. She

34:14

killed two kids. Don't do it. Not on

34:16

purpose. Alright. The

34:19

difference. Like, if you throw your trash out on purpose,

34:21

you're an asshole. Right. If you throw it out, well,

34:23

if you're gonna do drugs and flying down

34:26

the road, I think... Well, no,

34:28

this was the sister. I'm sure both

34:30

of them were doing drugs, right? What if she was trying

34:32

to talk her into not driving? She'd just let me drive.

34:34

Just let me kill one! Let me

34:36

hit the horse buggy! What's the big deal? Another

34:39

coupon? Just

34:42

a coupon book. He rips

34:44

it out and he goes, Good for one

34:46

horse-drawn carat car accident. She

34:49

hands that over. She goes, Why are you giving this to me?

34:51

And then, Good for killing two kids. Can

34:54

you use coupons together? You can't use them together. You

34:56

have to use them separately. Okay, I'll fucking get this

34:58

one out in a second. Two

35:03

different transactions. So fucked. I know. Please

35:06

also ledge... Thanks for having me! I put the

35:08

hat on, I say fucked up, man! Hey! Uh,

35:11

please also ledge. Samantha called her place of

35:13

worst human resource department after the incident. She

35:15

said, I fucked up. I

35:17

just killed two Amish people. What?

35:20

Yup. So that's not going to go well.

35:24

Hey, real co- Oh, I just feel like I gotta tell

35:26

you this. Oh man, I'm so sick, I can't come into

35:28

that. Oh, God! I'm

35:31

not going to make it into work today, I'm really sick. Are

35:33

you? What do you do? I killed two kids.

35:36

Killed a couple Amish kids. Couple Amish kids, and

35:38

I'm just so sick about it. And

35:40

I'm so sick of my attitude. What?

35:42

I don't deserve to go into work today. Oh, I didn't

35:44

go to work today, I'm so sick. I'm just so sick

35:47

of me! I just need to take a day, like a...

35:50

A me day. I can take a me day, what happened?

35:52

Well, I killed two kids and I'm just sick to my

35:54

stomach about it. Like, I don't

35:56

want to throw up on the carpet when I get into work, so I'm just gonna

35:59

stay home. I think there's a bigger

36:01

deal here coupon. I was just gonna

36:03

say would you have a coupon? Yeah, the coupon

36:05

give a sick day coupon. Yeah, do

36:07

I have a lot of different coupon? Okay, combine it

36:09

with this one over here. I'm sorry Good

36:12

for what one? I'm really sorry Good

36:14

for one apology. Yeah, not to the officer Good

36:18

for one to get out of jail free car free car. Okay Okay,

36:23

good. Um, they also found various

36:25

online searches on Memphis phone including

36:27

what happens if you get

36:29

in an accident with an Amish buggy and And

36:35

how to lock an iPhone cops

36:37

have You

36:41

wouldn't need anything else in this in

36:43

this courtroom Like

36:46

did you search for? What

36:49

happens when you hit an Amish bug

36:51

and kill two people so specific? Not

36:54

what happens if you kill two people in your car accident

36:56

What happens if you're you're like high

36:59

and drunk and like you're in Amish

37:01

land What happens

37:03

when you just left the bar with your twin sister

37:05

and you're pretty fucked up, but you said that you

37:07

have to drive Because she

37:09

doesn't play good music and then you hit

37:11

a horse Bugging you kill two

37:13

people then you run away and you have an iPhone

37:15

But any talking about her vibes but two of them

37:17

died do the kids died, but then you drove off

37:20

anyway enter They

37:23

actually find a YouTube video. Yeah, there's a picture

37:25

of her. It's just Google searches like it's also

37:30

Yeah, I may interest you or whatever just brings up her

37:32

wanted poster She

37:34

just typed out the description Everyone

37:36

wanted poster. God, man. It sounds like an

37:39

AI prompt. Yeah, it really does Samantha

37:44

has been charged 21 times including for criminal

37:46

vehicle Homicide leaving the scene of a crash

37:48

and will appear in court in March The

37:51

complaint noted that she was previously convicted of

37:53

drunk driving in October 2015

37:55

and impaired driving of a controlled substance in

37:57

2018. She's often charged 16

38:00

times according to Fox News including for

38:02

aiding and abetting and trying to take

38:04

responsibility for a crime yikes Well

38:11

Wait, she shouldn't she shouldn't take she

38:13

shouldn't have gotten out. I don't know we

38:15

run into this shit, too We have I'm sure a lot of

38:17

cities do but it seems like in Spokane you hear about that

38:19

all the time Like something

38:21

terrible happens, right? It's like guy

38:23

shoots and kills person and then

38:25

they just look at the rap sheet of the person

38:28

It's like he's been in prison 67

38:30

times and you're like he probably should

38:32

have been in there. Mmm. Like why what ill is he

38:34

just a good boy? Who's a good boy?

38:36

He's like I won't do it again officer. He's

38:38

like well, you said that last time You see

38:41

I've heard that literally 57 times Yeah,

38:44

this is different like I've learned my lesson.

38:46

Okay, get out there. All right. All right

38:49

do good Don't never say anything do anything

38:51

for you. Yeah. All right. Well, and here's

38:53

your gun. Have fun out there. Yeah Oh,

38:55

oh, oh here's your magazine You

38:57

almost forgot your magazine. Oh, thank you Fine

39:01

officer fuck shit weird. You're back.

39:04

Oh, yeah, I don't know. It's fucking crazy All

39:06

right, let's move on to our next story and

39:08

then we'll get to some some lap time learn

39:11

about st Pocky's day or kids. I

39:13

know this image Is

39:16

it really funny to me an Oklahoma

39:18

judge who sent more than 500 texts

39:20

during a murder trial resigns? Mm-hmm Okay

39:29

So anyway an Oklahoma judge stepped down on Friday

39:32

after she was caught sending hundreds of texts from

39:34

the bench While overseeing a

39:36

murder trial, she's just like lifting up

39:38

her things And

39:41

I did not mean to stack this up

39:43

But this just goes to show you that you shouldn't

39:45

be on the phone But the murder case was of

39:47

a two-year-old boy, right like pay the fuck attention Mm-hmm,

39:49

like it's kind of important including

39:52

messages from that mocked

39:54

prosecutors and we're sprinkled with

39:56

the mochi's God You

40:02

should see what the prosecutor is wearing.

40:04

Yeah. A little peach emoji. Remember

40:06

those stupid ties we were laughing at last night? Yeah,

40:09

the defense attorney is wearing it right now. What

40:11

an idiot. Good fucking tool. What looks like a fucking

40:13

Woody from Toy Story? With a Woody from

40:16

emoji, like a gif. Yeah, a little

40:18

gif of Woody doing like stepping out

40:21

of the box. Yeah. And

40:23

then her boyfriend's like, this is what he looks like

40:25

right now. She's what a fucking idiot. What an idiot.

40:27

This is so stupid. So district

40:30

judge Tracy Soderstrom. She's sitting

40:32

at the desk. She's

40:34

like, uh-huh. She's just smiling the whole

40:36

time with her phone. Also

40:38

agreed to not seek judicial office

40:41

again in Oklahoma under the proposed

40:43

settlement agreement filed with the Oklahoma

40:45

court on the judiciary. Nice

40:48

of her. Yeah, she had faced removal

40:50

from the bench for accusations that included

40:52

gross neglect of duty, oppression in office,

40:55

lack of proper temperament, and

40:57

failure to supervise her office. It

41:00

reminds me of like when your

41:03

kid is trying to talk to

41:05

you, but you're also trying to finish up a more text. Right. Uh-huh.

41:09

Right. Uh-huh. Oh,

41:11

totally. That's great, buddy. Love that

41:13

game. Good job. Whoa. You

41:16

killed the inner dragon? Awesome. Whoa, that's crazy. Oh,

41:19

and then what's... So he's making a boat in that video? Whoa. I'm

41:23

picturing like she got caught because she

41:25

didn't turn her sound off. Uh-huh. So

41:27

you can see her like the... Oh,

41:30

yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it

41:32

opens up another one where you hear like a TikTok video. She

41:35

turns it down really fast. Yeah, it just comes

41:37

out with some trendy fucking TikTok

41:39

song. She turns

41:41

it down really quick. It's just like, oh, these

41:44

hoes are just... Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit,

41:46

shit, shit. Uh-huh.

41:49

Oh, really? All like

41:52

small arms, like trying to learn it. Uh-huh.

41:55

Uh-huh. That's great. That's

41:57

crazy. So you killed... You for sure killed him or

41:59

whatever? We have confirmation. He's all the

42:01

way dead. Yeah. Yeah certificates. Where'd you get

42:03

that's crazy? Where'd you get that tide? You

42:05

might forget a picture really quick. Oh

42:09

Man, they're gonna love this. Oh man. He's

42:11

fucking idiot. Anyway, what are you saying? What

42:24

a nerd even has like the

42:27

read it out loud option. Yeah. Yeah What

42:32

a tool wink emoji Wink

42:35

emoji sometimes if I

42:37

have my my earbuds on or whatever

42:40

my headphones I'll be you know Joe

42:42

said doing work. Yeah, it'll be like

42:44

good message from Facebook John

42:46

Anderson liked your post or whatever and then

42:49

it's like goes into the whole thing. Jesus

42:51

Christ Would you like to know what he

42:53

said? Yeah. Yes, I'm listening and listening to

42:55

a song. It's just playing low in the

42:58

background So

43:00

relatable laughs emoji I

43:06

don't even know how she got away with this

43:08

500 times so many and you're out there and you're

43:11

just looking at this judge You should go. Mm-hmm.

43:13

Your life is on the line. Mm-hmm Whoa,

43:18

that's crazy Your

43:21

honor I like I like I I

43:23

move you know for a 15-minute

43:25

recess you know the strike. Yeah, that's crazy, dude

43:29

We said I miss recess. Oh, that's crazy.

43:31

Why are we talking about recess? So like

43:33

is this like an old thing like when you

43:36

were a kid or whatever like the two-year-old never

43:38

got a chance for recess Mm-hmm. He's like, huh,

43:40

that's crazy. Yeah guilty But

43:43

just that's one thing you can't be texting while doing

43:45

your job Mm-hmm, you know like cops

43:47

when they sit on the side of the road on their laptop

43:49

and then fucking create a traffic jam Mm-hmm. Yeah,

43:52

I didn't speed by you not going after anybody

43:54

They're just driving fast as they can like seeing

43:56

who will take the bait and go with you

43:58

just playing little mind games with Yeah, doesn't

44:01

that bother you? Yes when I like When

44:04

like everything is going fine, but

44:06

yeah cops is just like I'm gonna pull over and just use

44:08

my computer for a bit I mean just admit

44:11

it's a traffic jam like it slows everything

44:13

up by 20 minutes. He's like, I'm

44:15

just gonna stop here I was thinking more computer. I don't

44:18

really know if I seen that I'm more of like the You'll

44:21

just drive down the road and there's this cop just like

44:23

you're you're on a road and they're going

44:26

15 miles over the speed Limiter whatever for no reason Just

44:29

because they can and then they'll like go to a light and

44:31

they'll beep beep beep and then go through the light and then

44:33

Shut their lights off. Would you have a hard time not doing

44:35

that if you had the power to do it? Oh No,

44:38

I'm not saying that I wouldn't Just

44:41

say fuck it dude. Yeah, dude. Oh cool.

44:43

Let's do Let's

44:45

learn about st. Patty's Day for the uncle's act. Oh,

44:48

that's not good. Yeah, please Hey

44:51

little children, why don't you come take a seat on uncle's

44:54

a keys last? Gather

44:58

around boys and girls. It's lap time

45:00

with uncle's act So my lap

45:02

you little shit that the kid from Chucky in that

45:04

video, I don't know I just grabbed it it was

45:06

it was free to use and I was like, I'll

45:08

use it Does look like the

45:11

check it kid. Yeah, it does. It

45:13

does. It probably is well you guys fucking

45:15

ready for some st. Patty's Day Oh,

45:19

I'm ready for some nope, that's good.

45:21

I read Was

45:27

that good that's pretty good. I'm the best

45:29

at impression. It's hard to potato Brian's overdoing the

45:31

fire and fighting iris I'm

45:36

wearing green can't pinch me magically delicious Shut

45:40

up that no, we're gonna talk about why

45:42

the pinch so I was tasked with

45:46

I was tasked with figuring out what the hell this holidays about

45:48

and There aren't really a lot

45:51

of national holidays that have to do with getting shitfaced

45:54

Do you think of any other ones you go to mile? Okay,

45:56

but is the origin of the July actually?

45:58

Yeah, we created it Or probably

46:01

I'm guessing Corona

46:03

created everything everything started from

46:05

a marketing campaign. Yeah 4th

46:08

of July is kind of barbecue I mean beer for

46:10

sure. Mm-hmm. I guess oh, yeah, I've never seen anybody

46:12

drunk on 4th of July ever blowing their hands off

46:14

Well, I hasn't happened That'd be

46:16

crazy. No, if it did be weird. Oktoberfest I

46:18

guess too. Yeah. Alright, so I got

46:20

some Irish facts first But actually

46:22

I wanted to ask you guys did a Murphy or Flanagan wiggle

46:25

their way into your family lines at all No,

46:27

I had a friend that was a Flanagan I've

46:30

had him I had some Murphy's but nothing in

46:32

my family the line you guys have Irish in

46:34

you though, right? Yep. Yeah, that's what I mean.

46:37

I wish I had some more. No, that's what

46:39

you were saying. Yeah Yeah, I thought he was

46:41

asking like actually last names in my life No,

46:43

I realize how stupid that was answered that way

46:45

my lessons fucking Paisley. Well, please is

46:47

Irish. Anyway, thanks for asking Paisley

46:49

we have a we actually have a castle.

46:52

There's a Paisley castle in Scotland. Fuckin

46:54

a yeah and a town Are you gonna go to

46:56

Italy? Yeah, it was have you ever

46:58

seen it before? No, cuz I didn't go We should

47:00

pull it up. I'm sure I'm sure it's great to

47:02

stand here. It's Alright,

47:05

so there are 38 million Americans to claim

47:08

Irish ancestry, which is about 10% of the

47:10

United States a lot How

47:12

much you have to be to claim it? I don't

47:14

know that I imagine you can just decide I'm a quarter.

47:16

I saw my rich I don't

47:19

know. It's not a question that I

47:21

have the answer to. Hmm. Well, come on. This

47:23

is your lap time Yeah, I didn't five minutes

47:25

research bro Phone

47:28

fingers new parents fucking each other

47:33

Ends up being about 10% of the United

47:35

States and what's kind of interesting is for

47:37

comparison There's five million people that live in

47:39

Ireland today. So 38 million in the US

47:41

five million in Ireland What does that say

47:43

about Ireland? They got the fuck out much

47:45

suck out of potatoes. Yeah, potato family Let's

47:47

go. They're all in Boston. They're all that ball

47:50

potatoes are in Idaho. Oh, I meant

47:52

the Irish shadow Okay. All right.

47:54

Well because you guys both have touches of the red hair

47:56

I also went down a little red hair rabbit hole and

47:58

not all of it was Most of it was porn.

48:00

It sounds like a red herring to me. What? Oh

48:03

my God. We've discussed that on another

48:05

episode. So Scotland and Ireland have the highest per

48:07

capita redheads in the world. I didn't know that

48:09

Scotland was actually higher. It's 13% there and 10%

48:12

in Ireland. So

48:14

Scotland's more Irish? Yeah, basically. This

48:16

is their holiday. But

48:19

that's about 500,000 people with red hair in Ireland.

48:21

And only about 1% to 2% of the planet

48:23

has red hair. There's the

48:25

most in the United States, and it's between 2% and 6%,

48:27

so between 6% and 18

48:30

million folk, and then of course

48:32

38 million celebrate. Let's see.

48:36

Did you guys have any, since you're redheads, do you have

48:38

any like little tidbits that you've learned

48:40

along the way in your life? About

48:42

being redhead? Yeah, any kind of weird stuff,

48:44

like more left-handed people are red

48:46

hair. I mean, definitely gets

48:49

sunburned faster. Yeah. Gets

48:51

fucking torched immediately. Zero immunity to

48:53

the sun. Yeah, just, it's

48:56

trying to kill everybody, but it's really trying

48:58

to kill me. Just because you're red, everyone

49:00

wants the redheads dead. That's what it

49:02

is? Better dead. Better

49:05

off. Better dead than red. Wasn't there a Dead

49:07

Fred movie? What's the... Drop Dead

49:09

Fred. Drop Dead Fred. Yeah. Better

49:12

dead than red. That's what Kamie Uncle's actually says. But

49:15

I also heard that some feel less

49:17

pain, and that anesthesiology doesn't work very

49:19

well. Okay, I've actually, I've heard

49:22

that one too. You have to have thicker hair than other

49:24

Europeans by a lot, like a blonde might have 140,000

49:26

strands, and you'll have 90,000 in an Irish person, but even

49:28

thicker hair. I

49:32

don't know if you've noticed that at all. But

49:34

a couple other things I learned about history in the red

49:36

hairs. The ancient Greeks

49:38

thought you guys were vampires, so they

49:40

killed you. Or after you

49:43

died, they thought you turned into vampires. The

49:45

ancient Egyptians sacrificed you to their gods, to Osiris.

49:47

Because you were just so special. Now, I found

49:49

out that a lot of the witches, and not

49:51

just in Salem, but all over the place, were

49:54

burned mainly because of the red hair. And

49:56

the attitude that goes with the red hair, which I

49:58

think you guys distributed. display pretty well. I

50:02

don't know if you guys know Adam and Eve.

50:04

I'm sure you've heard of that, but there's a

50:06

Lilith that came before. Yeah. She

50:08

was thought to have red hair. Came before Adam and

50:10

Eve? Yeah, it was the first wife of Adam. You

50:13

can get into that. There's a bunch of weird stuff there. But do

50:15

you want to know the most famous red head of all? Conan

50:19

O'Brien? That's close. Hold on, let me keep guessing.

50:21

You got another guess? Hold

50:23

on. Is it a girl or a man? I

50:26

would say a man. I would say a man.

50:28

I would say a man. Okay. Cleopatra. Ooh,

50:31

close. Really? It's somewhat close. Cleopatra's a woman.

50:33

But Cleopatra did have red hair. She did?

50:35

I think so, yeah. Hell yeah. I don't

50:37

know where that knowledge from. I don't know

50:39

where the fuck I'm... Nero had

50:41

red hair, yeah. Okay. Brian, you gotta

50:43

get... Adolph. Adolph? That would be

50:46

a pretty famous piece of shit. It's actually

50:48

Satan. Satan is the most famous red-haired

50:50

person of all time. Yeah,

50:52

you got me. I didn't picture Satan with

50:54

hair. I just picture him with just skin.

50:56

With horns. Like red skin and horns. There's

50:58

actually a description with him with red hair

51:00

on there. Yeah. Another thing I learned while

51:02

on Pornhub is that red hair is really

51:05

like sex more. It's like a standard

51:08

deviation higher or so than normal folk.

51:10

So that explains Joe quite

51:13

a bit, I think. Probably just, you know... Could that

51:15

just be based on numbers because

51:17

there's less of something? It could be. I

51:20

did... This is five minutes research, bro. Like if

51:22

you... You know, you got

51:24

300 girls who do porn. Three

51:28

of them are redheads and they have a lot

51:30

of sex that goes back to their pool of

51:32

numbers and... Uh, absurd sex drive.

51:34

Actually, I didn't find this on a porn site.

51:36

I found it on some medical site. Oh. So

51:38

it was very, I'm sure, very clinical. That's weird.

51:41

You get those two things confused. You're just looking

51:43

at the pornhub recap. Yeah. We

51:45

looked at it like a handful of months ago.

51:47

Yeah, the demographics. You're like, oh, there's a bunch

51:49

of fucking sex and redheads here. I was about

51:51

to come and then I realized, oh shit, this

51:53

is WebMD. That's weird. Holy shit, I can put

51:55

this in the show. Alright,

51:57

so into looking to the end of this, I noticed that there...

51:59

aren't many holidays where the majority of people don't know

52:02

a single thing about the person that we're celebrating. Do

52:05

you guys know anything about St. Patrick? I

52:07

knew he had something about snakes. I also

52:09

don't... What? What's

52:11

the word? Participate? Yeah,

52:14

I don't... I mean, who cares? You don't give a fuck?

52:16

You think we were young, though? Excuse to go party? Sure.

52:19

Or whatever? I never cared. Not a

52:21

very second. Most of

52:23

the other holidays we know, it's like Jesus

52:25

or Santa. We

52:29

kind of know the backstory. So not

52:31

this one so much. Do you guys know what

52:33

country he may be from? Just guessing.

52:35

Throw a guess out there. I'm gonna go with

52:37

Ireland. Okay. That's a fair

52:39

guess. I mean... England.

52:42

Oh, all right. Yeah. He was not... Denmark!

52:46

He was not Irish. He was Roman, but he was born in

52:48

the fifth century in Britain. So England would be close. He was

52:50

in Wales, actually. But

52:52

the whole holiday is about him bringing

52:54

Christianity to Ireland way back in 432.

52:58

So that's the focus. But there are

53:00

some crazy myths about him. And

53:02

it started off kind of tame. His name

53:04

isn't actually Patrick. It's Mayowin

53:06

Succat. Succat. S-U-C-C-A-T,

53:09

I think. Not as catchy. He

53:12

would change his name later. Yeah, they suck at naming him. Right.

53:15

But I also was kind of curious, like, what do you

53:17

need to do to become a saint? And so that was

53:19

part of my researching. But before he became saintly,

53:22

the only interesting thing really about his early

53:24

life was when he was 16. He

53:27

was kidnapped while living in Wales by Irish raiders.

53:29

He spent six years doing that. He was

53:32

a shepherd for sheep. Doing

53:34

that. Doing kidnapped. He's getting the experience

53:36

of kidnapped stuff. He's turning in a resume. He's

53:38

like, well, what happened in this six-year

53:41

period? He's like, ah, I was kidnapped. How

53:43

convenient were you not working during this time? No.

53:46

No, I was just kidnapped. Well,

53:49

apparently, he was left very poor as a shepherd.

53:51

And he almost starved to death there. And when he

53:53

was near death, he converted to Christianity. Not

53:55

much later, he claimed that he heard a magic voice that

53:57

told him about a ship that was 200 miles away. And

54:00

so he escaped and got on that ship

54:02

or a ship and went to Britain where

54:04

he was trained for 12 years by the

54:06

Catholic Church To be a ninja assassin for

54:08

the Lord He changed his name

54:10

to Patrick then and he returned to Ireland to

54:12

preach the Word of God For

54:14

the next 30 years until he died creating 300 Irish

54:17

churches and converting somewhere around 120,000 people

54:21

And then he died on March 17th 461

54:24

and that's why we celebrate March 17th

54:26

and st. Patrick's day Then

54:28

he was forgotten after he died for hundreds and hundreds

54:31

of years and then the Roman

54:33

Empire morphed into the Roman Church And they

54:35

needed some new Saints. So his myths began

54:37

to increase So what

54:39

do you guys think that's wild would make a person

54:41

a saint like if you just off the top of

54:43

your head You have to perform a miracle, right? Right.

54:45

So what kind of miracle is a miracle? Well,

54:49

no, okay. I like miracle whip

54:51

Yeah, you just made mayonnaise that

54:54

was like you're in you're a saint now, bro. This

54:56

is fucking good This is good for half of us.

54:58

Yeah miracle, I don't Turning

55:02

water into wine, right? You're in water into

55:04

Guinness Water

55:07

to Guinness thing patty so supernatural shit, right?

55:09

Yeah. Okay. Well, here's some of his myths

55:12

one myth Joe had it on the money.

55:14

He said he single-handedly drove all the snakes out

55:17

of Ireland. That's what it was But no one

55:19

believes that because Ireland is 3,500

55:22

square miles and the climate has been too mild

55:24

for any snakes to live there since the last

55:26

ice age So there weren't snakes. He just took

55:28

one kid's pet snake. That's it. You're welcome Yeah,

55:31

but technically did give me my big tall hat.

55:34

Yeah, nice hat. Most people say it's

55:36

symbolism the getting rid of the serpents Is

55:39

getting rid of the pagans the druids that

55:41

you know there and so him bringing Christianity

55:43

is ridding Ireland of the snakes Isn't all

55:46

this or aren't all those things just? David

55:50

on and that kind of stuff like he

55:52

did this like well, no. Yeah, right. Yeah

55:55

I mean it was basically he burned the witches or

55:57

yeah inspired folk to burn the witches I don't know.

55:59

It sounds like Missionary work. I don't know if that's

56:01

a miracle, but that's one of them took a missionary

56:03

position. They did I

56:08

wish I could come over your titty. Well the

56:10

next So I don't know

56:12

if you guys consider that a miracle bringing Christianity to

56:14

a place now building a bunch of churches Okay, no

56:16

cool trick bro. Yeah fair enough. I saw that in

56:18

a magic show up your piss I'd Put

56:22

it that way and what I

56:24

draw What yeah, and while I

56:26

Jesus you just spray it

56:28

takes a cannon sprays holy water early

56:31

And then David Copperfield rides off on a motorcycle.

56:33

Okay fucking never considered to come to Vegas So

56:36

I can play sucks. All right. Well, if you're not

56:38

impressed by that miracle, perhaps this miracle will get you

56:40

there Yeah, the next miracle is

56:42

the shamrock. So this explains why we have

56:45

shamrock's hmm PS Do you guys like the

56:47

shamrock shake? Is that a thing? Yeah,

56:49

it's fine. It's I mean, it's a do you give

56:51

a fuck? I have beaties in a fucking bottle.

56:54

But yeah, it's good. Is it just green vanilla or

56:56

something? Well from what

56:58

I've never actually gotten it for myself, but the

57:00

kids have gotten it and to me

57:02

it's sugar Yeah, it's like if you found a

57:05

way to make a cake liquid And

57:08

then you just put it into a cup and it

57:10

didn't call it Irish Yeah, and then it's green a

57:12

little bit right Well, he is the reason for the

57:14

shamrock symbolism and I looked into this and there's a

57:17

bunch of claims that shamrocks aren't even real They're just

57:19

a made-up word for three leaf things and most of

57:21

those three leaf things are clovers or some other kind

57:23

of crap Okay, but I'm not gonna you know, five

57:25

minutes research isn't gonna get you there Like I'm not

57:27

gonna back up this no, sir. It's just a shovel

57:30

cock claim You know there you go But

57:32

it said that he used the three leaves of the shamrock

57:34

to teach the Holy Trinity of the Father the Son and

57:36

the Holy Ghost Yeah, I remember learning that

57:38

yeah, so basically a shamrock is a cross

57:42

Mmm, so okay. Would you consider that a

57:44

miracle? Absolutely. Okay again

57:46

if I was at a fucking magic show, what's the

57:49

official flower of Ireland now? So I mean, it's yeah,

57:51

he's got those things done. He made it Christian and

57:53

he got a flower Did you guys ever when you

57:55

would you're on the grass in the shamrocks? Did you

57:57

ever look for a four leaf clover? Yeah Lay

58:00

down and fucking pull one. Even though you knew you weren't

58:02

gonna find one? Even though you know the clovers now and

58:04

not shamrock. Potentially,

58:06

shovelcock. All right, so people

58:08

started to wear the shamrock in tribute to this over

58:10

the years, and then many years later they said fuck

58:12

it and just started painting everything green, including the rivers

58:15

and shit like that. One

58:17

last miracle, this is the one that I think, this

58:20

is the one that I think maybe is the big one. Okay. Can

58:22

you tell me if this is plausible? I know you well enough

58:24

to know this is gonna be great. Well,

58:27

he and one other person were the sources of this,

58:30

so he wrote this about himself. And he has always one

58:32

person to back it up. He said that he could raise

58:34

the dead. And not just

58:37

a couple. He claimed

58:39

that there was over almost three

58:41

dozen. So another person, Jocelyn of

58:43

Furnace, said he rose no less than

58:45

33 people from the dead. So

58:48

that would be a miracle, I would say. Wasn't

58:51

Jesus 33 when he died? Fucking

58:54

bro, this is at least 33. So it could

58:56

have been. Yeah, he just stopped counting. Yeah. It

58:59

was a good biblical number. The witness ran out of

59:01

room on his tablet. Like he

59:03

just got sick of chiseling in the

59:05

place, et cetera. At the end

59:07

he just goes dot, dot, dot. Plus, I don't know, at least 33. Can

59:10

I go home? So

59:12

this is his big miracle. What do you think the odds are that

59:15

he rose to dead? Zero. So

59:17

those are the three miracles that I could find. I'm

59:19

sure there's somebody, a theologian that could school me on

59:21

it. Does that have to do with the, I've

59:24

seen some St. Patrick's Day celebrations. I'm

59:26

guessing that ties into why there's caskets.

59:29

Ooh, that could be. I've seen him

59:31

carrying caskets. I haven't seen that. You haven't? Uh-uh,

59:34

okay. Doesn't everything have something to

59:36

do with death and re-

59:40

not thinking of a while? That's

59:42

just fucking tacos and cool hats. It

59:45

ain't no Day of the Dead, that's for

59:48

sure. Yeah, that's caskets. Santa's not fucking about,

59:51

I mean, they say it's about Jesus. Jesus, he was

59:53

born around there. It's about mushrooms. Yeah. You

59:55

ever hear that one? Jesus is a representation of

59:58

a kind of mushroom that gets your eyes- fuck.

1:00:00

Got a little cap hat. No, but that

1:00:02

sounds fun too. Kind of fun, yeah. No,

1:00:04

I've seen the Acharya casket, but I think

1:00:06

it might represent the body of Saint Patrick.

1:00:09

The body of Christ? Yeah. Who, I'm sure

1:00:11

there's some symbolism. Yeah. All right. So after

1:00:13

all those amazing miracles, Patrick became the patron

1:00:15

state of Ireland, despite being British

1:00:17

and Roman, and I think the sketchiness of

1:00:19

those miracles is a little crazy. But he

1:00:21

did get the damn pagans out, all right?

1:00:23

So he's no Santa Claus, but- Exercise the

1:00:25

demons. In the future, we'll have to, maybe

1:00:27

next year, we'll have to figure out how

1:00:30

he chalks up with Saint Valentine.

1:00:32

So he wasn't even Irish. No.

1:00:35

Now, there's a lot of things about Ireland that

1:00:37

aren't Irish, like the Jameson, the Irish whiskey, that

1:00:40

guy was Scottish. So, all right.

1:00:42

So let's do just a couple quick facts, and

1:00:44

then we'll jump out of here. Okay. So for

1:00:46

much of the time, Saint Patty's Day was basically

1:00:49

called feast day in Ireland, and they would go

1:00:51

to church, have a nice meal. And the last

1:00:53

thing they would do was drink. It was actually

1:00:55

banned, drinking was banned from 1903 to 1970, 1970s.

1:01:00

And now I'd say it's a little bit embraced. And

1:01:02

the church must have adopted it. So they're like, Oh, that's

1:01:05

cool. Now, I think they realized that people were starting to

1:01:07

come there. And they're like, What do you mean? What do

1:01:09

you know, no drinking on Saint Patty's Day? That's stupid. And

1:01:11

they're like, Okay, let's fucking make some money. All right, open

1:01:13

it up. Yeah. But the holiday

1:01:15

has basically been celebrated in Ireland for

1:01:17

1000 years. But like I

1:01:19

said, it was non alcoholic in Ireland for a lot of

1:01:22

that time. But in the United States,

1:01:24

they went the different direction. You know, back

1:01:26

in it's been it's old. The first ever

1:01:28

parade was in Boston in 1737. And

1:01:31

they've been drinking the whole fucking time. Yeah,

1:01:34

yeah. So let's talk about alcohol a little

1:01:36

bit. Okay, why the alcohol? I

1:01:38

think it's pretty obvious. It's why not Irish

1:01:40

people. Yeah. That's it.

1:01:42

The unofficial meal of St. Patty's is corn, beef

1:01:44

and cabbage because you're not supposed to eat, you're

1:01:47

supposed to drink. So what are

1:01:49

you at? Let's see. That's funny. A funny thing.

1:01:51

Let's see. I told you about the Jameson blah,

1:01:53

blah, blah. But Guinness is basically

1:01:55

the true winner of St. Patty's Day.

1:01:57

Do you guys like Guinness? No.

1:02:00

None neither one of you. It's fine, but I'm not- I don't know

1:02:02

if I've ever- I just- I

1:02:05

just remember collecting the little

1:02:08

balls that were inside of the cans growing up

1:02:10

in the little neck- Bone. And

1:02:13

then making necklaces out of them at parties. I just

1:02:15

like getting this dick inside of a vagina. Oh, yeah,

1:02:17

fucking yeah! The Guinness gets you there. So

1:02:19

remember that? Do you remember that? They still have the little ball

1:02:21

in there? Yeah, for sure they do. It

1:02:24

makes it a Guinness. Yeah, just shake it up. You

1:02:26

cut it open, then you string them through and make

1:02:28

a little necklace. That's right. You put them in their

1:02:30

stone soup. That's why. They have leek and

1:02:32

cabbage in stone soup. Sounds terrible. Yeah, it

1:02:34

is terrible. And that's not true also. You

1:02:37

didn't believe me for a second. Yeah. This

1:02:39

is kind of interesting because again, I think Guinness

1:02:41

is the absolute winner here. You know, like St.

1:02:44

Pat- or St. Valentine's Day would be, I would

1:02:46

say the diamond company's De Beers is probably the

1:02:48

big winner there. This is for

1:02:50

sure Guinness. They sell in 24 hours. Well,

1:02:53

De Beers is pretty good on St. Patty's Day too, you know what

1:02:55

I mean? On

1:02:59

a normal day, they will serve about 5 million

1:03:02

pints of Guinness on St.

1:03:04

Patty's Day, 13 million. It's

1:03:06

almost triple that. Well, well,

1:03:08

well, well, well, well, well. But more importantly, $5.3

1:03:10

billion is spent on beer alone

1:03:12

on St. Patty's Day. So

1:03:15

much so that people get drunk enough to

1:03:17

toss 100 pounds of fucking green dye into

1:03:19

the Boston, whatever, whatever river. So

1:03:23

one last question I wanted answered when I looked into

1:03:25

this was why do we get pinched for not wearing

1:03:27

green? Yeah, you quit in Tarantino,

1:03:29

this shit. Yeah, I'm very, came out the gate with

1:03:31

the pinch and then we disappeared. And now here we

1:03:33

are again. That was good writing. Thank you. Way

1:03:36

to go for five minutes. You're fucking killing

1:03:38

it. Well, in my 30 seconds of research,

1:03:40

I discovered green makes you invisible. You are

1:03:43

invisible to leprechauns according to this one theory

1:03:45

on a website I've never heard of. Where

1:03:48

did leprechauns go from? From mythology

1:03:50

of drunken Irish people. Oh, Sandy.

1:03:52

Love it. I guess

1:03:54

leprechauns are cheeky. Yeah. So

1:03:56

they pinch the cheekies and it's basically a

1:03:59

reminder from humans. to let you know that leprechauns

1:04:01

exist and that they might pinch you if you don't

1:04:03

wear green and aren't invisible, so.

1:04:06

Oh, man. There you go.

1:04:08

Well, it's the worst, thinking about like a

1:04:10

high stakes situation. Like

1:04:13

we can't get caught, man. What,

1:04:15

you don't know what they're gonna do. What,

1:04:18

what? What do they get to do?

1:04:20

Like I've heard stories. They're gonna kick in the

1:04:22

shins, they're gonna pinch each other. Look at a

1:04:24

little leprechaun walks into the room. Hello.

1:04:26

Out of the shadows. Oh, shit. Yeah,

1:04:28

what are you gonna do? He's down the

1:04:30

hallway, he's like a fanny thing. Let's, you

1:04:32

know, little doll gonna kill somebody. Of course

1:04:34

a leprechaun's gonna do it. If

1:04:37

you're not. Chuckie Gannu, you can't. Right. Did

1:04:39

they ever do like a houseplant? I don't remember that.

1:04:41

Yeah, they did. Little shop of whores. Little shop of

1:04:44

whores. There you go. Fucking I had, bro.

1:04:46

Everything can kill you. Last little tidbit. Okay.

1:04:49

Blue was the official color of St. Patty's Day and then

1:04:51

they just changed it because of the shamrock. So,

1:04:53

just kind of a weird thing. That would be weird if

1:04:55

it was still blue. Everything

1:04:58

would be different. I have a crazy idea. We should make

1:05:00

the water blue. There it is. Now

1:05:04

we don't have to dump shit in the water and confuse all the

1:05:06

fish. That's probably big food

1:05:08

dye. Yeah. It's

1:05:11

a good dye. Yeah, big dye. Yeah,

1:05:14

big rubber and big dye. Big dye and

1:05:17

fucking big rivers. Big

1:05:19

Guinness winning this one. Big beer. Happy Guinness

1:05:21

Day, everyone. Big beer. Drink your Guinness. What?

1:05:23

They fucking make most of their money. Not

1:05:26

most of it, but a lot of money

1:05:28

on St. Patty's Day. What could we take

1:05:30

advantage of? What

1:05:32

holiday could we take advantage of and just start marketing

1:05:34

the shit out of it? That's

1:05:36

something I want us all to think about, okay? Come

1:05:39

back here. Rainstorm, yeah.

1:05:41

No, let's not even, let's

1:05:43

do a holiday that's not well recognized and

1:05:45

let's recognize the fuck out of it. And

1:05:47

just go hard. Start a movement that it's

1:05:49

like some weird day. I

1:05:52

think some saint day or? I

1:05:54

think if we want to avoid social

1:05:56

backlash, we should really go and push

1:05:58

Columbus Day. No,

1:06:00

we don't want to avoid backlash. We want embrace

1:06:02

backlash. No, I was just trying to be funny

1:06:05

cuz Columbus was a fucking clown Yeah, yeah, we just

1:06:07

go all in on it. You don't know him like

1:06:09

we did. He also did a lot of

1:06:11

cool stuff Yeah, he found a lot of you're gonna get

1:06:13

in trouble. All right, let's move on Not

1:06:16

a new shit. Do you like it

1:06:18

was like St. Patrick's writing his own history How

1:06:21

do you know were you there? No, were you

1:06:23

there? Do you fucking like a book about it?

1:06:25

You're the one making the statement. Well, you trust

1:06:28

Zach's opinion. No, oh You

1:06:30

could read Columbus's diary. That's one of the only ways

1:06:32

we know him. Yeah Yeah,

1:06:35

but weren't people that's what they were doing

1:06:37

then right? Mm-hmm genocide. Yeah, just taking

1:06:39

over Okay, this

1:06:42

might sound controversial and I'm not I don't support

1:06:44

this at all But I'm just making a statement

1:06:47

based on what we're talking about communism How

1:06:50

can we try to how why why

1:06:52

do people get in trouble for something

1:06:54

that was acceptable at the time? What?

1:06:57

Okay, but Columbus aside no, but but I mean like

1:06:59

so like in the 80s You

1:07:02

part even did coke and then if they like

1:07:04

someone's like some of us still do But

1:07:09

like you know like when you see a

1:07:11

commercial from the 50s of the 60s or

1:07:13

a joke that happened during a time of

1:07:16

something and then That gets

1:07:18

shared now and they're like can we

1:07:20

can we cancel fucking? I

1:07:22

don't know some old guy who's canceled Gene

1:07:24

Wilder for something like dude that he did

1:07:26

something of its time Yeah,

1:07:28

got it. I understand. You know what I mean?

1:07:30

Yeah. Yeah, I'm on the same page They

1:07:33

just that was the way things were and

1:07:35

we we've since looked around

1:07:37

and said yeah, let's probably shouldn't do that again

1:07:40

but at the time it was it

1:07:43

was acceptable so can we just Accept

1:07:46

it accept that that was acceptable at the

1:07:48

time. It's easier to look at the world

1:07:50

without nuance It's much easier just

1:07:52

to make judgments rather than to think about

1:07:54

stuff. Yeah, so that's why people do so

1:07:56

like so going back to Columbus I don't

1:07:58

know anything about Columbus As

1:08:01

a kid we were taught that he did all this

1:08:03

stuff. Maybe did maybe did I don't fucking know We're

1:08:07

finding out he didn't he did a lot and

1:08:09

he did a lot of terrible shit Yeah But

1:08:11

I'm what I'm saying is like at the time

1:08:13

and everyone else around him didn't like they some

1:08:15

did but not everybody was doing Terrible shit, but

1:08:17

was it terrible when I was free

1:08:20

terrible Well when when the Romans took

1:08:22

over every killed everyone it took over

1:08:24

was that terrible? I think it was

1:08:26

the deceit the like deceiving people

1:08:28

in murdering entire villages And

1:08:31

I'm being like I got it. I Think

1:08:35

that that's how things have happened

1:08:37

for centuries. Yeah, right.

1:08:39

Am I wrong? Am I the am I an

1:08:41

asshole for saying that the history of humanity is

1:08:43

blood and semen every single place? Yeah That's

1:08:47

all I'm saying not that what like going

1:08:49

back now I'm not saying what he did

1:08:51

was amazing or not wrong, but like at

1:08:53

the time Like

1:08:55

if you wanted to take over something you killed the

1:08:57

people that were there and you took it over. Mm-hmm

1:09:00

Yeah, can we just all acknowledge that that

1:09:02

was that's what? Point I

1:09:04

think we stopped doing that like 40 seconds ago.

1:09:06

So Right.

1:09:08

Hmm. Hmm. Yeah humans are great.

1:09:10

We're good. We're good shit good stuff But

1:09:13

anyway, we'll market is that is that like it?

1:09:16

Okay, we don't have to continue on this

1:09:18

But like I said, I always think of

1:09:20

things in like today's morals versus like primal

1:09:23

instincts of yeah of animals In

1:09:25

general and we're animals You

1:09:27

know like if you if you're in air if

1:09:29

a lion's in an area and another lion walks

1:09:32

into his face like fuck out of here He's

1:09:34

like nah, I'm this is my area now. I'm gonna

1:09:36

fight you and take this area. I think

1:09:38

it's kind of like Bill Cosby Okay,

1:09:41

this should be interesting. No, I think I

1:09:43

think You're like, I know this is

1:09:46

what he was doing and he liked him and then you

1:09:48

found out more about him and you're like Okay. Well,

1:09:50

maybe never mind doesn't take away

1:09:53

what he did doesn't take away the laughs He

1:09:55

did doesn't take away how much jello you ate Like

1:09:59

but then you learn And you're like maybe we

1:10:01

shouldn't be celebrating Bill Cosby. Oh, yeah, and I

1:10:03

think that's I think that's where everyone's into this

1:10:05

No, I think that's where everyone's at but when

1:10:07

you're talking about something that was like

1:10:09

what I'm saying is we shouldn't back Columbus Day

1:10:11

Because we learned more about him. I'm not saying

1:10:14

that what he was doing was wrong. I'm saying

1:10:16

we shouldn't back Columbus Day I'm not saying we

1:10:18

back Columbus Day. I'm just saying in general. Can

1:10:20

we really can we accept it? Certain

1:10:23

things were acceptable at one point and they're

1:10:25

not anymore Absolutely without we just learned more

1:10:28

and we probably shouldn't have a giant holiday

1:10:30

about it Yeah learned about you know, and

1:10:33

I'm fine with Patrick just burned all the

1:10:35

witches. We're like, that's cool That's cool. Let's

1:10:37

drink beer. I'll shrink to that. Yeah Yeah,

1:10:40

how come we haven't canceled st. Patrick yet?

1:10:42

We're not there yet cuz he's 25 buddy.

1:10:45

Oh, yeah, we got another year Yeah, it's

1:10:47

coming around Yeah,

1:10:49

I just you know We're on

1:10:51

the same page I like to think that back

1:10:53

in the back in the 50s that I would

1:10:55

have been like No, dude, that guy

1:10:58

should be able to go to same school as me But

1:11:01

and but when you're there like would

1:11:03

you have spoke up? That's

1:11:05

when it's a good for a lot. You know, I'm cool

1:11:07

question Not saying that it's

1:11:09

right or wrong But like would you be

1:11:11

the person you are now and realize that

1:11:13

wrong? It was yeah, right. Yeah Yeah, there's

1:11:16

probably a lot of people back then that didn't think it

1:11:18

was right, but they're like fuck I can't say anything Great.

1:11:21

Yeah, but I guess need to

1:11:24

go to school so I can

1:11:26

get my yeah I see I'm just keeping my

1:11:28

mouth shut so I can get my education to

1:11:30

get out of here and move on It's really

1:11:32

easy to be like right now be like yeah

1:11:34

fuck racism. It's like well Yeah, of course everyone

1:11:36

hates racism, but would you have hated it? When

1:11:39

everyone was racist? Yeah, I don't know. I

1:11:41

mean good question. I got it. You're right

1:11:43

This is the kind of shit that I

1:11:45

think about this is what I do at

1:11:47

night. Yeah, I watch America says before I

1:11:49

am Well, that's what drives me crazy when

1:11:51

when everyone just calls everyone racist or bigoted

1:11:53

or homophobic It's like no there's nuances to

1:11:55

shit like you you blue hair

1:11:57

think that you would be standing up for them

1:12:01

back right now it's acceptable to be an

1:12:04

ally right that wasn't acceptable

1:12:06

to be an ally back then you

1:12:08

were an out you know wasn't you

1:12:11

know saying like yeah would you

1:12:14

have been so progressive back then

1:12:16

it's the same as like the Nazis it's

1:12:18

like they convinced a lot of Germans to be

1:12:20

Nazis where they all just evil people yeah really

1:12:22

just people that were afraid and was trying to

1:12:25

get along and trying to eat food yeah

1:12:27

they're like they're trying to feed their families and

1:12:29

of course when you hear propaganda that the Jews

1:12:31

are gonna come in and take everything and you're

1:12:34

gonna take your livelihood you're gonna be like oh fuck

1:12:36

the Jews that sounds lame that's how that sucks I

1:12:38

want my oh that sucks yeah this guy's like don't

1:12:40

they're coming go man that sucks oh that

1:12:47

sucks so like do I get

1:12:49

a outfit and then how much bread do I

1:12:51

get if like I help you

1:12:53

with the this sucks this shitty situation yeah about

1:12:56

the Jews coming so I just don't let one

1:12:58

hide in my house so I can give me

1:13:00

bread so I yeah so you guys kill them

1:13:02

and then you give me bread and then that's

1:13:05

fine yeah I'll do it that's

1:13:07

anything no just no people just make

1:13:10

sure we brings the bread you put

1:13:12

your boots on every Monday we brings

1:13:14

the bread all right

1:13:16

well after all that I just want people to

1:13:19

think about things that are you know I mean

1:13:21

like oh yeah just just think

1:13:23

about things outside of the way you normally

1:13:25

think about things it's all I'm saying would

1:13:27

you be you then yeah got it just

1:13:29

in like real take a look at yourself

1:13:31

and realize would you I don't know what

1:13:33

I would have done and I can't say

1:13:35

what I would have done based on who

1:13:38

I am now look in the mirror and say

1:13:40

I'm a piece of shit yeah or whatever

1:13:43

yeah yeah if you come out and

1:13:45

say you shouldn't be racist right now

1:13:47

you're a hero but in

1:13:49

the 50s you say you shouldn't be racist you're like you

1:13:53

can't come here either then you go to their

1:13:56

school yeah I full fuck it's a it's a

1:13:58

good that little thought chamber for everybody. Yeah.

1:14:00

All right. Let's do some good news. This

1:14:03

is a, this is fucking funny. Zach! So

1:14:07

you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

1:14:09

We aren't doomed. Yeah. Oh

1:14:12

man. This is so cute and so, I

1:14:14

mean, also kind of cute. I'm gonna get

1:14:17

cancelled. Nigga. You, you,

1:14:19

you, I guess you made people think you

1:14:21

might be cancelled. Miniature neck

1:14:23

brace helps save grasshopper at

1:14:27

a Texas zoo.

1:14:30

What the fuck? Damn it.

1:14:32

Thanks to ingenious temporary neck brace

1:14:34

design, one of the smallest critters

1:14:37

of the Houston zoo is now

1:14:39

feeling better. A

1:14:42

stick like grasshopper known

1:14:44

as the Peruvian jumping stick recently

1:14:48

shed its exoskeleton, which usually happens

1:14:50

around six months of age according

1:14:53

to officials. After molting, do you

1:14:56

imagine like molting? Like if we

1:14:58

did? I was joking around about that when I got

1:15:00

super sunburned in Hawaii. I was like, what if I

1:15:02

just, I guess reached down and pulled off a sleeve

1:15:04

of my skin. No, you're on the ground. You're like,

1:15:06

you're like rubbing up against rocks to get rid of

1:15:08

your skin. I'd love to go to the beach, but

1:15:10

I'm molting. You see in the

1:15:12

living room rolling out of a fucking human

1:15:15

skin pod. Hang it up. Yeah.

1:15:20

So the insect had weakened, had

1:15:23

had weakened area around parts of

1:15:25

its body resembling a neck. According

1:15:28

to a recent zoo blog post, it

1:15:30

was caused by a crease in the

1:15:32

thoracic region. Since these

1:15:34

grasshoppers spend most of their time climbing and being

1:15:36

up in a tree branches, it was essential to

1:15:38

keep her head level. So that

1:15:40

they, someone had a look at the genitalia

1:15:43

on this fucking Peruvian jumping stick.

1:15:45

I just picture it going to like a

1:15:47

chiropractor or something. It's like, okay, breathing, breathing.

1:15:50

Oh fuck. I just killed it.

1:15:52

Just killed it. It's essential to

1:15:54

keep her head level as the

1:15:56

crease on her neck. Why don't

1:15:58

I keep putting? Neck and

1:16:01

print see because it's not really a net

1:16:04

Like all neck. It's all neck. It's a

1:16:06

stick. Yeah, she's a long one big neck

1:16:08

all neck on this motherfucker. It's like a

1:16:10

giraffe Kind of

1:16:12

we just keeps going. Yeah legs came out of your

1:16:15

neck like if the draft body was just its neck

1:16:17

with legs Was

1:16:20

causing your head to flop all the way

1:16:22

back due to its weight. I know that's

1:16:24

what kills me. They use a stick We

1:16:28

need a smaller smaller stick. Is there

1:16:31

do we have a smaller Peruvian jumping? If

1:16:33

you get dead one, if you could strap to

1:16:35

this other bigger Peruvian jumping stick neck neck quotation

1:16:39

mark At

1:16:44

the place they're all still talking

1:16:46

quotations Where's

1:16:50

the head now, it's right above the neck More

1:16:56

down at the bottom more quotations resemble

1:16:58

its neck Who

1:17:01

wrote this article? Just

1:17:03

move on and call it a neck. We

1:17:05

don't care don't care

1:17:09

Call what it is. Oh Neck

1:17:12

was hurt. I You know

1:17:14

who wrote that was a guy that worked with

1:17:17

them and everyone kept calling it a neck He's

1:17:19

like guys it's not his neck and they're like

1:17:21

it doesn't matter. He's like it's not a neck

1:17:23

though So then he wrote the article so he's

1:17:25

like the neck is right here. Yeah, it's like

1:17:29

Yeah, it's like oh the

1:17:31

people that call it a neck. You know who you are

1:17:34

so veterinarians created a flexible neck brace

1:17:36

using a stale q-tip shaft and Microsport

1:17:39

tape to secure it. Just

1:17:42

there's people nice q-tip reference that sat

1:17:44

down We're like oh, yeah, and then

1:17:46

just released to the wild and off

1:17:48

you go somebody walks by and steps

1:17:50

on it. Oh, man Just

1:17:53

I mean that's it's happy news, but it's just such

1:17:55

a funny thing Why is that life any less valuable

1:17:57

than an eagle? I know it broke its wings Yeah,

1:18:00

yeah, and if I was a Jew Hello,

1:18:03

just waiting for you to go back to the last

1:18:06

time. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I left you hanging there Why

1:18:08

is this guy you did? Why is this trash

1:18:10

opera any more important than a bear? Right,

1:18:13

and if I was a Jew and I was

1:18:15

in a racist place You

1:18:17

won't you do you would you just call

1:18:19

me? What did you do? I

1:18:22

guess that that was cute. It reminded me of a

1:18:24

story about pepper, but I'll say it for another time

1:18:26

I'm sure we'll talk about insects in the future incest.

1:18:28

Okay pepper kids

1:18:34

The internet is pretty wild Depending

1:18:36

on your browsing habits you can

1:18:38

either experience something super cool or

1:18:41

go to prison crazy, right? Let's

1:18:44

check it out together as

1:18:46

a couple. Hey look what I

1:18:48

found Good

1:18:51

job, Zach. I said the wrong thing. All right

1:18:53

This is something that I found on the internet

1:18:55

that is just funny Visually and that

1:18:58

this actually exists, but I

1:19:00

think we have a trip We have a place to

1:19:02

go for our first ever can you don't? Gathering

1:19:05

of the kids. Oh All right, this

1:19:07

balls out bowling is back. Fuck. Yeah,

1:19:09

we're nudity is required Required

1:19:12

not just acceptable. No Show

1:19:15

us your balls. I don't get any shoes What

1:19:19

size balls are you balls out

1:19:21

bowling is back for the ultimate

1:19:23

bowling experience Is it

1:19:25

though is it? I

1:19:28

don't think so Well, I got three holes

1:19:30

Pittsburgh area naturalists are

1:19:33

hosting another balls out bowling event.

1:19:36

We can bowl in the nude Balls

1:19:38

out bowling will be held doesn't sound like you

1:19:40

can bowl in the news I don't think you

1:19:43

have to bowl at the craft and Ingram lanes

1:19:45

in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Coming up

1:19:47

here on April 28th. I don't know why

1:19:49

I don't picture Pittsburgh being like place

1:19:51

for that No, I don't I don't picture bowling

1:19:53

being the place to introduce nudity The

1:19:56

advantage for everyone over the age 18 been

1:20:00

waiting for their birthday like finally

1:20:03

I go fucking throw some balls with

1:20:05

my dick out well it's a family

1:20:07

affair so like when you're a kid

1:20:09

like oh dad gets to go to

1:20:11

they're like I can't wait till you're

1:20:13

not old enough yeah when you're 18

1:20:15

son heading the balls out bowling six

1:20:18

picture fucking uh

1:20:22

whoever who do you think you are

1:20:24

my dad someone's

1:20:26

just got balls out bowling like a like

1:20:28

a tour t-shirt tattooed on their back

1:20:30

all the balls out events they've been all the

1:20:32

years they've been there he's been depressed for years

1:20:34

he got canceled because of Covid I

1:20:38

can't wait for balls out to come

1:20:40

back that's all I had in government

1:20:42

in but Covid took everything away including

1:20:45

balls out bowling that crafted Ingram

1:20:47

Lane guy for everyone over

1:20:49

the age 18 whether you're a

1:20:51

seasoned pro or a beginner this event

1:20:54

is for everyone nudity is required with the

1:20:56

exception that women can wear bottoms what

1:20:59

yeah why do dudes have to let their

1:21:01

fucking penis flap against their thighs yeah I

1:21:04

mean the approach is 710 split like if

1:21:06

you if you're a woman who's got a

1:21:08

bush like pretty much everything's concealed it's in

1:21:10

between your legs wongs

1:21:12

are swinging around getting caught in the fucking

1:21:14

ball return yeah but we think

1:21:17

the pelvic region is hot regardless if you

1:21:19

see anything don't we come on that means

1:21:21

but women it's too hot it's too hot

1:21:23

attracted to penis hot

1:21:26

for Pittsburgh just having a

1:21:28

having a casual conversation with

1:21:30

somebody like how the tater tots and

1:21:32

you just shine in your fucking bowling ball with your

1:21:34

dick out is

1:21:38

the special worth it did you

1:21:40

get the chicken fingers of the tater tots and

1:21:44

the other guys just like got the top hey didn't

1:21:46

you order a beer yeah did a beer like 20

1:21:48

minutes 20 minutes ago dude I'm just

1:21:50

fucking I don't know till then I guess

1:21:52

I just keep fucking getting turkeys all

1:21:56

right have a good one you too I

1:21:58

but I've talked about this before Or about like

1:22:01

nude cruises. People that will

1:22:03

go to nude cruises are the last people you wanna see

1:22:05

nude. I can't

1:22:07

think of a demographic I want to see

1:22:09

naked less than bowling. Yeah. That's

1:22:13

the worst demographic of all time.

1:22:16

Cause you're eating fucking fried chicken

1:22:18

strips and french fries

1:22:20

and it's just not. Not

1:22:22

usually. People sit around eating

1:22:24

salads. Premier athletes aren't

1:22:27

bowling stars. And

1:22:29

even the best bowlers in the world are usually a little

1:22:31

out of shape. Yeah. Right,

1:22:34

cause I mean look what you're doing. You're throwing

1:22:36

heavy things and knocked down rocks baby. You're throwing

1:22:38

rocks baby. Yeah. So the shape of the human

1:22:41

isn't always like the sexiest. Here's a question

1:22:44

for you. Out of any sport

1:22:46

out there. I can't make them. If

1:22:48

you could say okay I'm going to a nudist sporting

1:22:51

event, which event would

1:22:53

you wanna go to? To watch or to participate

1:22:55

in. Well like you would go

1:22:58

to a, yeah you're gonna participate.

1:23:00

Track and field sounds funny. The

1:23:02

sex Olympics. God the amount of dicks

1:23:04

bouncing off thighs at a fucking hundred

1:23:06

meter dash. Just swimming around. Oh,

1:23:09

it would be the sound. But

1:23:13

there's 10 of them. Just a thunder

1:23:15

of dicks and thighs. And

1:23:19

they get done and they're so tired and

1:23:21

like they're bent over. Oh fuck off. They're

1:23:23

like oh fuck. Doing

1:23:28

a four by four relay and you grab the

1:23:31

wrong baton and then you do, oh

1:23:33

you're reaching your hand back. You

1:23:35

grab the baton. And it's just

1:23:37

me sticking my dick in your hand. Turn

1:23:40

around, show, give me the baton. I

1:23:43

am. Which

1:23:45

one? Fucking doge you suck it. You slap my fucking

1:23:47

rock hard dick in your hand. And

1:23:50

you just wanna run the second leg. If you

1:23:52

had to run with a boner, that's great.

1:23:54

Just that's the best case scenario. Yeah,

1:23:57

yeah, it's at least supporting itself. For

1:24:00

real. So like bowling,

1:24:02

like bowling, let's call it a sport.

1:24:04

Golf. Um, ooh. Yeah.

1:24:07

What you're doing here is all wrong. See,

1:24:10

in your backswing, your dick's hitting your left

1:24:12

thigh. I meant

1:24:14

mostly for like, if you're attracted to

1:24:16

women, what, what group of athletes would

1:24:19

you, like, you get to choose. Get

1:24:21

to choose. So you don't want to

1:24:23

watch. Soccer. Volleyball.

1:24:25

Volleyball. Everyone's in shape

1:24:28

in soccer. Everyone's in shape in volleyball.

1:24:30

Beach volleyball. Just sandy nips. Cycling

1:24:32

would be interesting. Everyone's too lean. Just a

1:24:34

little dangerous for dudes. Too lean. Alright.

1:24:37

Cycling's a lean sport. Like it's just a bunch

1:24:39

of skinny people with no muscle mass. A bunch

1:24:41

of fucking skeletons on the way to the graveyard.

1:24:47

Fucking drinking water and probably doing roids. Okay.

1:24:50

Not interested, not for me. Just

1:24:52

getting NASCAR. Dude, I'd look at,

1:24:54

what's her name, naked? Danica

1:24:57

Patrick? Yeah. I

1:24:59

fucking also look at Kyle Busch. You

1:25:01

know what I mean? Tennis. Tennis. Kyle's

1:25:04

Busch? That was the, you got it. Yeah. Uh,

1:25:08

I don't know. I'm gonna,

1:25:10

I'm gonna, I'm gonna stick with soccer. It's

1:25:13

just, it's just, no, it's no,

1:25:15

it's all fit. Everyone's got

1:25:17

it. You can't, you have to, to

1:25:20

play soccer. About gymnastics. Too

1:25:22

bendy. Too, it's too,

1:25:25

too much going on. Too

1:25:29

much, I mean, like the tits are doing back flips and I'm

1:25:31

not interested. Yeah, because remember you

1:25:33

got to see, like everything's moving around with

1:25:35

the activity. Yeah. Like even golf,

1:25:37

you're still swinging. Like you just

1:25:39

live for the moment on the, on

1:25:42

the, on the uneven bars. When they're not doing

1:25:44

a cool trick. You're like, okay, your

1:25:47

tits aren't in your fucking neck. Imagine

1:25:49

trying to do a fucking high jump

1:25:51

with a dick and like just getting

1:25:53

your dong caught in the pole or

1:25:55

something. Yeah, pole vaulting. Pole vaulting. The

1:25:57

pommel horse. It just slows down. Low-motion

1:26:00

of your dickhead knocking the stick off And

1:26:04

imagine the pommel horse, you know where you're like Just

1:26:07

swinging around but your dicks you got to

1:26:10

make sure your dick's not smacking it Just

1:26:12

that line up before they run like doing

1:26:14

like the springboard jump thing. Oh the pole

1:26:16

or the yeah And

1:26:18

they go like this and they go and

1:26:20

they do like that little thing to

1:26:23

bendy It's

1:26:25

too much going on Too

1:26:28

much, I mean like the tits are doing backflips

1:26:30

and I'm not interested Yeah, cuz

1:26:32

remember you got a seat like everything's moving

1:26:35

around with the activity. Yeah, like even golf.

1:26:37

You're still swinging like

1:26:39

you just live for the moment on the On

1:26:42

the on the uneven bars when they're not doing

1:26:44

a cool trick. You're like, okay Your

1:26:47

tits aren't in your fucking neck Imagine trying

1:26:49

to do a fucking high jump

1:26:51

with a dick and like just getting your

1:26:53

dong caught The pole or something.

1:26:55

Yeah pole vaulting pole vaulting The

1:26:58

pommel horse. It just slows down slow motion

1:27:00

of your dickhead knocking the stick off And

1:27:05

imagine the pommel horse, you know where you're like Just

1:27:08

swinging around with your dicks you got to

1:27:10

make sure your dick's not smacking it Just

1:27:12

that line up before they run like doing

1:27:14

like the springboard jump thing. Oh the pole

1:27:17

or the yeah And they go

1:27:19

like this and they go and they do

1:27:21

like that Thing and then the second they start running you

1:27:23

just watch that dick Anyway

1:27:33

balls out bowling bags you want to go April 28th, I think

1:27:35

we should consider it. I hear from the kids

1:27:44

Alright, let's hear what you guys think

1:27:46

really you want to talk to me. Wow,

1:27:48

that's cool Okay,

1:27:51

all right Josephine. Yes, sir first email was

1:27:53

sent in by our daughter Angela She

1:27:56

writes hey world's best dad and

1:27:59

stepdad You fight

1:28:01

over who is who. We clearly know. Also,

1:28:03

hello, greatest uncle Zach. Hello.

1:28:07

Another commie. Well, call me

1:28:09

anytime. Anywho, I used to

1:28:11

work at a cell phone

1:28:14

reseller. They were short-staffed at

1:28:17

a local store so I was filling in until they found someone

1:28:19

for the role. I wish I were

1:28:21

lying but this is the last page of

1:28:23

the resume that came into the store. I

1:28:25

still cannot believe I held this paper in

1:28:27

my hand and that it exists. Well, now

1:28:29

for you guys. Well, now

1:28:31

it's for you guys and all my

1:28:33

lovely siblings with love your daughter sister

1:28:36

niece. This

1:28:38

is so funny you guys. There we

1:28:40

go. And I saw this email and

1:28:43

the next part we'll show you

1:28:45

about it. Yeah,

1:28:48

but this... So imagine this resume getting sent

1:28:50

over to you. I'm trying to blow

1:28:52

it up here so we can read it.

1:28:54

It has a normal resume start,

1:28:56

right? I want you to

1:28:58

read it. Baker slash counter

1:29:00

person. And I scratched out the businesses.

1:29:03

Good. And the times that they work

1:29:05

there. I guess I don't want anybody

1:29:07

looking this person. Yeah. That's a good

1:29:10

idea. Yeah. Responsible for customer service. So

1:29:12

this is what

1:29:14

their job would entail? This is their experience.

1:29:16

Okay. Responsible for... This is why they're qualified

1:29:19

for the job. Got it. Okay. Responsible.

1:29:21

I haven't done a resume in

1:29:23

so long. Responsible for customer

1:29:25

service. Creating big goods, packaging

1:29:28

for such... Such

1:29:31

goods, inventory, stocking, cleaning, and occasional

1:29:33

cake design. This is a little

1:29:35

side project. Yeah. Cashier slash FEC.

1:29:38

Don't know what the fuck that

1:29:40

is. Operation of register, customer service,

1:29:42

stocking, and merchandise. Basic

1:29:45

cleaning. Okay. Personal skills.

1:29:47

Proficient in Windows formats. Microsoft

1:29:50

Word. Works publications.

1:29:52

PowerPoint. Spreadsheets. And database.

1:29:55

Typing. All kind of

1:29:58

communication devices. devices

1:30:01

cell phones blah

1:30:04

blah blah blah

1:30:06

blah blah okay

1:30:11

okay internet capabilities extensive use of

1:30:13

browsers of the internet of an

1:30:16

explorer and Netscape whoa fuck

1:30:19

yeah dude web-based design and

1:30:21

site creation email searches applications

1:30:24

Google browser Yahoo MS

1:30:26

in etc mm-hmm and

1:30:28

then here's an advice the list goes on and

1:30:31

here's just additional things that had to she had

1:30:33

to make sure that she referenced that make her

1:30:35

qualify for the job yeah secret volunteer no pay

1:30:39

luckily like lucky to get food lucky to

1:30:41

get food manager supervisor

1:30:44

mediator great physician hospitals

1:30:48

host of companies churches

1:30:51

Jesus Christ servant teacher

1:30:53

professor aid student

1:30:57

aunt mom daughter granddaughter

1:30:59

that's like someone dies

1:31:01

they're like he's left

1:31:05

minister preacher hmm

1:31:07

disciple counselor wife

1:31:09

psychiatrist ex-wife advocate

1:31:14

girlfriend like bro man buddy tutor bromance buddy

1:31:16

life coach tutor I think yeah

1:31:27

yeah yeah that's right into the second punching

1:31:30

bag sex toy

1:31:32

victim abused child

1:31:37

audit with a spelling I'm

1:31:40

not sure if this is how it's both yeah or maybe adult

1:31:44

no it's not audit abuse

1:31:46

child adult okay sorry psychiatrist

1:31:51

psychiatric punching bag yeah

1:31:54

but I'm sure killed

1:31:56

them I killed them with Jesus Christ ah

1:31:58

what else would you That's the windows. Oh,

1:32:00

what else would you love to know? Peacemaker

1:32:03

oh my god, I want

1:32:06

to put all of those Resume anything else

1:32:08

you want to know anything else you want

1:32:10

to know I mean I'm a

1:32:13

fucking psychiatrist parking bag wife

1:32:15

x wife still being abused I've been abused since

1:32:17

I was a child still being abused but when

1:32:20

Angela said this in I when I was going

1:32:22

in and getting the Locations out and the times

1:32:24

out so that no one could look this person

1:32:26

up and figure out who they were I just

1:32:29

pictured that Angela was

1:32:31

bringing this up around friends.

1:32:33

They're like, you're not gonna believe the resume I

1:32:35

got right and I was like, well, I'm

1:32:37

in Photoshop Why don't I go ahead

1:32:39

and see if I can generate a more

1:32:41

vivid picture Using

1:32:44

AI of what I think that

1:32:46

it looked like when she brought this up. So

1:32:48

then I had AI generate this It's

1:32:55

so good Just

1:32:57

what is everyone doing? No,

1:33:00

no, if you can't see it you can watch the the

1:33:02

video version on YouTube But just

1:33:05

if you're worried at this moment that AI

1:33:07

is gonna take anything over. Yeah, it's still

1:33:09

a long way I mean I am pretty

1:33:11

crazy that you can just collect outside information

1:33:13

on like just a piece of paper and

1:33:15

I might just fill in the Rest. Yeah,

1:33:18

and this is what it came up with

1:33:20

It's her hand looks like she stuck it

1:33:22

in some sort of a grinder Mm-hmm, and

1:33:24

it's just got nubs and I know Whether

1:33:28

eating tacos and staring at the ceiling the faces in

1:33:30

the back guys like What

1:33:32

about this guy back? Yeah. Yeah You

1:33:35

know, he looks like a character from fucking GoldenEye

1:33:37

in 64. Yeah job job Job

1:33:42

was the tiny. Yeah, and then what is

1:33:44

this? What's this guy? Frankenstein's

1:33:47

monster I

1:33:50

it just turned like a almost looks like

1:33:52

one of those chainsaw bears that

1:33:54

like someone made out of what? But

1:33:57

it's a face. This looks like shit.

1:33:59

Anyway, I thought that was funny I was like why not why

1:34:01

not we got the technology our

1:34:03

second email is coming in from our son

1:34:05

Eugene Right

1:34:07

hey dads hey look I Had

1:34:10

a client come into my office the other day and I

1:34:12

had to keep catching myself throughout the session because as soon

1:34:15

as they Sat down in the chair. I noticed that they

1:34:17

were wearing Leather fingerless

1:34:19

gloves mmm. Yeah, I'm a counselor so

1:34:21

the conversation was very serious I

1:34:24

was immediately thinking oh shit you better

1:34:26

not chuckle My can't get in the

1:34:28

vision of them pounding their fist into their hand as they spoke

1:34:31

And I was reminded of all the times actors

1:34:33

break character during comedy scenes except if I laughed

1:34:35

at any point I would have ruined all the

1:34:38

rapport we have built I Was

1:34:40

able to keep it together and stay

1:34:42

pleasant although a few times my brain

1:34:44

remembered their gloves Well

1:34:46

that would be a whole new challenge I had

1:34:49

to play off an eye twitch as

1:34:51

an eyelash was stuck in my eye dude That's

1:34:53

like trying to stare talk someone there's got a

1:34:56

name cleavage showing. Yeah, you're just like uh-huh you

1:34:58

just went your eyes Yeah, that's totally that's crazy.

1:35:00

No, I hate boobs. Yeah. Well, so do I

1:35:02

get the job at the cell phone store? Probably

1:35:07

probably everyone in there hates boobs as much as

1:35:09

me Listen I

1:35:11

hate The next guy, but

1:35:13

you gotta wear sweatshirt next time you come in here

1:35:16

Me if this is say I was reminded

1:35:18

that I am only human and no matter

1:35:20

how much I know about the human mind

1:35:23

emotions and Practice mindfulness them damn

1:35:25

gloves will visit a human response out of me

1:35:28

I will be sending in some art soon that

1:35:30

I sent an earlier email about late last year

1:35:33

I am super busy with a full-time job

1:35:35

family life the Naval Reserve come on at

1:35:37

school. Just Bitch

1:35:41

oh Yeah, just

1:35:44

kidding. I got a pretty good life there Yeah, go ahead and

1:35:46

go ahead and send that in when you get a sec man

1:35:49

This is not a brag is I wouldn't

1:35:51

encourage anyone to take on this many things

1:35:53

at one time I also added to the

1:35:55

artwork since sending that earlier email this podcast

1:35:57

podcast keeps me sane in between all my stops

1:36:00

the day and week so thank you your son

1:36:02

or whatever Eugene fuck yeah dude

1:36:04

fuck yeah Eugene fuck yeah

1:36:06

that's so hilarious like you just

1:36:09

you can't even count you like how can you

1:36:12

have a real conversation when your brain is obsessed

1:36:15

with that because you want to

1:36:17

giggle you want to your eye

1:36:19

picture like the thing that I picture

1:36:21

is like an old MacGyver episode from the

1:36:23

late 80s whenever they try to show like

1:36:26

the troubled youth it's always like

1:36:28

it's always some well the one that I'm thinking

1:36:30

is Luther is this black kid with like he

1:36:32

had Jerry curl and he had a leather jacket

1:36:35

and fucking leather gloves

1:36:37

on and he's like I don't

1:36:39

want to be doing none of it like he

1:36:41

was like the troubled youth get like that's what

1:36:43

I picture a kid in a leather jacket with

1:36:45

fucking leather gloves and he's

1:36:47

the troubled youth every trouble youth it

1:36:49

was leather mm-hmm that's that means business

1:36:52

yeah yeah it means don't don't fuck

1:36:54

with me man the wrong way you

1:36:56

don't want to talk to me you're

1:36:58

you know what I can like to

1:37:00

be me yeah you're an adult dude

1:37:02

I funny you say that I have

1:37:05

was talking to this this dude the other day

1:37:08

clean-shaven feller right and

1:37:11

he missed a couple spots in

1:37:14

the whole time I was talking to him it just the

1:37:16

hairs the way the light was hitting his

1:37:18

face all you could see was like

1:37:20

spaced out like inches

1:37:22

apart we're just hairs that

1:37:24

were like half an inch long no or

1:37:27

I'm not happy not a quarter-inch like

1:37:29

I don't know what happened he shaved for me I get

1:37:31

big day for him and just

1:37:33

have these little hairs all

1:37:36

over his face yeah above his lips and

1:37:38

stuff I'm just like the whole

1:37:40

time all I saw was like you missed it I

1:37:42

just wanted to reach over just be like can I

1:37:44

please it's like when someone's vacuuming or

1:37:47

like painting and they miss a

1:37:49

spot and they don't see it and you're staring

1:37:51

at it yeah the things you're saying are really

1:37:53

cool but how can you fucking shave your face

1:37:55

how do you and how do you not come

1:37:57

across like especially if you're sitting on the couch

1:37:59

and your wife Like she let's

1:38:01

say she's windexing the windows. Mm-hmm and

1:38:04

you see that she missed the spot Like can you

1:38:06

really say hey hon? You miss the spot while you're

1:38:08

sitting on the couch you can if you were It's

1:38:14

a good way to not see them fucking titties I'll

1:38:17

tell you what I'm doing titties Hey,

1:38:20

you miss the spot feels well, okay. She's not coming

1:38:23

tonight. You're like, I'll get it. I still get to

1:38:25

come Oh, let me do it and do it. I can do it on

1:38:27

my own You ever

1:38:29

heard of I'll go fuck myself Good,

1:38:31

that's what I'm gonna do cuz I can do it really just fine, dude I'm

1:38:34

so good at it It's like I would love to

1:38:36

have sex with your vagina, but I don't have to

1:38:39

I am the best at going and fucking myself Mm-hmm

1:38:42

All right. Well fuck yourself. Sure. Yeah, you fucking

1:38:44

you betcha whatever you want. I'm so good at

1:38:46

it All right, that's episode 91 fun. Okay, fine

1:38:51

Sign up for the bonus content.

1:38:53

It keeps going after every show

1:38:55

patreon.com/candy don't podcast Of course,

1:38:57

you got the socials got the video version something you

1:38:59

want to see on the show Hey guys, the candy

1:39:02

don't podcast comm you want to talk about

1:39:04

Saints and all the miracles they perform head

1:39:06

over to that cat. Yeah He

1:39:09

will put in I don't know how much research you put in his

1:39:11

that cat 13

1:39:13

seconds nice just keep shrinking not

1:39:15

good at things. It just gives you your

1:39:17

time back to life eventually Oh dude Scat

1:39:21

cast comm that scat with the K go check

1:39:23

out everything that comm you uncle Zach does and

1:39:25

the nakes of the babysitters for Moderating

1:39:28

the Facebook page the can you don't playground

1:39:31

just keeps growing and there's a lot of fun in there We did

1:39:33

we got a strike the other day. I'm not sure what content it

1:39:35

was I saw that why

1:39:37

don't they ever tell us cuz I don't want you

1:39:39

to see it They don't want you to put in

1:39:42

your personal spank bank. I hate when shit happens like

1:39:44

that I get if you get a ding and it's

1:39:46

like you fucked up. We're taking this away Like

1:39:48

what was it? I'm not gonna tell you. Well, how

1:39:51

do I know what to fix then? You don't tell

1:39:53

me it's a game Yeah,

1:39:55

I don't know what it was but it's

1:39:57

living life on the edge is the candy

1:39:59

don't playground Alright, let's wrap this

1:40:01

shit up! ZAAAAAAH! Good

1:40:04

God. Wrap it up already, huh? I

1:40:08

have a question for you, and I have a question for

1:40:10

Zach. Zach, how

1:40:12

long can you hold your breath? A

1:40:15

minute and a half, with my best probably. Great. I

1:40:17

can hold my breath for 17

1:40:19

minutes, Bob. No,

1:40:22

you can't. That's my impression of Jesse Ventura.

1:40:25

That was funny. I was a Marine. That's

1:40:27

pretty good. I used

1:40:29

to be in a Marine back in the

1:40:31

NAM. I

1:40:34

can hold my breath for 27 minutes. So

1:40:38

the longest anyone... Well, that's the problem.

1:40:40

You've never been in the service. You

1:40:43

can't hold your breath. Someone who

1:40:45

has ever held their breath underwater. 24

1:40:47

and a half minutes. That's

1:40:50

nothing. I used to hold my breath for

1:40:52

37 minutes. Above

1:40:55

water. Above and below

1:40:57

water. The

1:40:59

world record for holding your breath was achieved

1:41:01

by Croatian... ...Budemeyer

1:41:04

Sowat? Srowat? Back

1:41:06

in March of 2021. See, that's

1:41:08

the problem. Everyone's got to start doing

1:41:11

something. They

1:41:13

have to do a world record. I held

1:41:15

my breath for 47 minutes because it was

1:41:17

part of my duty. As

1:41:20

a Marine, I was a

1:41:22

Navy SEAL. Not a Marine. I don't

1:41:24

know why. I said I was a Marine

1:41:26

because I was a Navy SEAL. And

1:41:29

I held my breath for an hour and six minutes.

1:41:34

I used to wrestle Hulk Hogan in

1:41:36

Madison Square Garden for 47 minutes. While

1:41:39

holding my breath. I held my breath the

1:41:41

entire time. Anyway,

1:41:44

so 24 minutes and 37 seconds.

1:41:46

On average, a human can hold

1:41:48

their breath between 30 and 90

1:41:50

seconds. That's

1:41:53

the problem. That doesn't

1:41:55

sound great at all.

1:41:58

I had solo Navy SEALs. fields

1:42:00

we all held our breath for two

1:42:02

hours just

1:42:05

be just for the fun of it and you

1:42:07

sit around in the barracks holding

1:42:09

our breath Funny

1:42:26

red oh

1:42:28

do I amuse you? Yeah, you

1:42:32

do I was a Navy

1:42:34

SEAL Hey

1:42:37

you have to end the show cuz I can't talk you

1:42:39

say bye to everybody wait

1:42:43

oh I'm not

1:42:45

waiting. All right. We already wrapped it up. All right

1:42:49

if you'll Know

1:42:55

All right bonus content coming up if you

1:42:57

follow us on page follow us in the

1:42:59

page on we're all gonna hold her breath

1:43:01

I Say

1:43:04

like oh don't don't hold your

1:43:06

breath if you're waiting on that although I

1:43:09

can't I can hold my breath for three

1:43:11

hours Bye

1:43:17

guys, all right. We'll see you in there. Bye.

1:43:20

See you next week You