0:01

Refrigerator. Bullet. Pants.

0:04

Super. Glue. Dominatrix.

0:22

People. Should

0:26

add that will drum Still I was going

0:28

right into the show. Isolated

0:31

the road and. W

0:34

W Ralph Com and

0:36

on November second episode

0:38

Eighty Seven. Travis Kelsey

0:41

Travis Kelsey. Yeah, maybe.

0:43

Retire. In Peace. Recipes.

0:46

That are less was be used but. Seems. Like

0:49

to retire in Peace Edwards it does work

0:51

and was just start sale or ip. Nor.

0:53

I would even know in retirement retired

0:55

but what happened or was a retirement

0:57

in his earlier but he can always

0:59

come back. Obscene thing we've seen that

1:01

be impossible the less painful years everly

1:03

you rise again their homes like August

1:05

due to give a fuck it patriotic

1:07

makes the everyone supports this their bonus

1:09

content on the back end of everything

1:11

so we just keep on going. Keep

1:13

on Go he bomb keep you know

1:15

and we have so much content. Go

1:17

check that out you could pick whatever

1:20

tears right for you. This three of

1:22

them in their patriarch.complicated or podcast. Stuff

1:24

you want to see on the show he

1:26

said it into. hey guys that can you

1:28

don't podcast.com Gotta thick dick take a breath

1:31

you know you and hard on That I

1:33

did is a professional Got we have this

1:35

fucking loser guard on. This

1:37

is going to have a. Good.

1:40

This is now queuing gears. Saw

1:42

an episode eighty Seven so x

1:44

A C Me a nice x

1:46

I'm on me again. I'm

1:49

going on over me again. I

1:53

think they're gonna show today. This is cut this

1:55

one this for so far in advance as comes

1:57

out on. On. valentine's the

2:00

Think yes on Valentine's Day fuck yeah, that's

2:02

sweet. We have some the hell January

2:04

when oh, it's not even close to the end Yeah,

2:06

we're good. Yeah fucking it's nonsense. We're so far in

2:08

the future right now We have

2:10

some new merch We'll probably even have some new

2:13

merch because by the time this comes out the

2:15

merch we're talking about now We three weeks old

2:18

mm-hmm, but head over to candy don't podcast comm

2:20

we've got a design We were looking to

2:22

just kind of spice up the Spice

2:24

up the store put a little something new in

2:26

there And we're just fucking around

2:28

with stuff and that's what we came up with

2:31

and if you look at cyd with a question

2:33

mark Vertically and then mirror it

2:36

And it's in that particular font it turns

2:38

out it looks like a cat it looks

2:40

like honestly It looks like a totem pole

2:42

a little bit like a kitty totem, huh

2:44

like a transformer My

2:46

first thought was transformers robots in disguise

2:48

so go check that out. We got

2:50

a hoodie We also have a t-shirt

2:53

and it's all available right now on

2:55

the website So be sure to check

2:57

that We try to drop

2:59

new merch as much as possible. I Is

3:02

there anything else that we need to cover

3:04

if we just get into the show? Yeah,

3:07

happy Valentine's Day. I got seven times they

3:09

brave. Yeah you too. I love you. Did

3:11

you give me anything? No Why?

3:15

You don't love me. No, I don't why not well

3:17

We'll talk about that list day says that you love

3:19

me. This is the only way I know if

3:22

you don't bring me Well, we

3:24

yeah, we're talking about it. Okay. It's coming up. We

3:26

got chocolate from somebody else Oh, yeah, right in Carissa.

3:28

Well, that's how we know they love us Yeah,

3:31

but I mean, how do you know? I love you You

3:34

you know, you're never gonna know This

3:44

is a weird one and it's fun sent

3:46

in by our daughter Danielle Who

3:49

has Danielle spelled the way I've always seen

3:51

Danielle spelled unlike the other couple Daniels they

3:53

write in and have like Would

3:59

you rather have your fingers

4:01

super glued together each

4:04

hand separately is the

4:06

thumb a finger yeah it's gotta be I mean or

4:09

do you get a get a you get a

4:11

free thumb you get a little shadow

4:13

puppet a permanent a perma shadow puppet

4:15

thing I don't know I picture the

4:18

thumb has to be in there okay

4:20

so I'll count as a finger you're

4:22

there's no space in your thumbs or

4:24

fingers no it's just flat you've just

4:26

got pancake hands you've got great spankers

4:28

okay perm permit makers or two giant

4:30

staplers for you know you'd be good at

4:33

what is like on a

4:36

in a parade just waving just doing the parade

4:38

wave and that's about all you could do with

4:41

having your fingers always put together I

4:45

mean I want to I want

4:47

to you guys remember playing the Edward beer

4:49

hands whatever the fuck it was called Edward yeah

4:52

it's how it was called he's so

4:54

crazy your head had

4:56

to be something it's yeah it's

4:58

probably a cooler booze hands or something sure but if

5:00

you don't know what we're talking about at least

5:03

how we played you had to like old

5:05

English 40s right mm-hmm when you

5:07

had to duct tape them to your hands and

5:10

you couldn't take it off your

5:12

hand until the 40s 40 hands yes the old English

5:14

40s yeah and by the end

5:18

if you have to pee early

5:21

on it's a fucking nightmare yeah because

5:23

you there's nothing you can use your

5:25

fuck from the bathroom you

5:28

can't get your fucking pants undone you have

5:30

to have your friend that has finished one of his 40s

5:32

come and help you it's

5:34

so great that that was before social

5:36

media yeah and we yet we all

5:39

did it that one wizard staff we

5:41

all did that one too we had

5:43

the every beer you finished you put

5:45

another beer on top of it and you taped

5:48

them together and then whoever had the tallest staff

5:50

got to make all the rules in the house

5:52

you didn't do that one didn't know we did

5:54

a pyramid thing where we stacked them up mm-hmm

5:57

yeah whoever had the tallest wizard staff got to

5:59

make the rules It can make

6:01

everybody go do everything for him until someone

6:03

passed them and then you didn't want him to like you

6:05

didn't want the chief wizard

6:08

To know that you're coming for him some

6:10

people that you'd sneak away and just like pound as

6:12

many berries you could in the staircase and then come

6:14

back out and be like You

6:17

know not Here's

6:19

my Shit

6:22

your pants Yeah Anyway,

6:25

so you got the got the finger super together

6:28

or you have two giant staplers for feet Oh

6:31

my god, that limits a lot of

6:33

career opportunities like is this

6:35

you online? Is it swimline? Is that the

6:37

swimline stapler? Is that what it is? Oh,

6:39

it's a brand is yeah I don't swimline

6:41

swing in my brain It always just says

6:43

stapler like in a the curse of writing

6:46

but swimline makes more sense Am I right

6:48

like stapler cuz that's the that was Milton's

6:50

wasn't it the red one? You would be

6:52

bored Swin line staple. Yeah, it's

6:54

a swing line swing line Trying

6:57

to trying to sneak into your house Like

7:00

you're trying to keep it keep it quiet

7:02

Yeah, click night night out with the boys

7:04

down at office depot. Mmm, where your stapler

7:06

feet Busy night. Oh god,

7:09

you get home and you open the door and

7:11

says and then It

7:13

says giant stapler so the

7:15

staples coming out of this thing I

7:21

Mean, they've got a hat little hefty Gotta

7:24

have some weight to it. Oh, I don't

7:27

know you couldn't how would you get

7:29

away? Like you run a trail of

7:31

staples everywhere fucking fit those things in

7:33

the shoes like couldn't be

7:35

a Navy SEAL Oh, no, you could

7:37

not be like an engine would be

7:39

out. Yeah, imagine somebody like A

7:42

war like a war scene. I knew

7:44

you're looking down at the troops and you see

7:46

some dude running across the street with stapler feet

7:50

You're looking down your your sniper gun you

7:52

like you can't even shoot him because

7:54

you're like what the fuck is this guy? I think

7:56

I do in favor Like

8:00

like dropping all the staples all over the place

8:03

I've been envisioning putting your little kid

8:05

down to sleep. Mm-hmm Cuz how hard

8:07

it was for us you

8:09

lay down with your kid for two fucking hours They finally

8:11

fall asleep and you're trying to edge out of the bed

8:13

and like creep out and then my floors like You

8:16

know, but now trying to do that with stapler feet

8:22

Your kid's eyes just yeah Fuck

8:25

god damn it. He walked back over You've

8:31

got staples all over the floor that kids can

8:33

step on yeah You've created a mess or just

8:35

walking around a parking lot popping tires You're

8:38

just shedding staples everywhere be the worst soccer

8:40

coach ever You

8:42

just have to do this Another

8:45

ball down Like

8:49

Give me can you still walk if you run

8:51

out of stables or you have to cross them

8:54

you fill your feet I think they're they're endless.

8:56

There's like a weirdly endless supply of staples. Okay,

8:58

imagine a track star Yeah Who's

9:02

saying bolt? Yeah, just fucking and the

9:04

starting gun just Staples

9:09

are just flying all

9:12

a rooster to rooster tail

9:14

of metal Spitting

9:19

out staples there better be some sort of

9:21

affiliation with the company staples at that point

9:23

But I have feet first, come on. I

9:25

was made for this you would get a

9:28

huge endorsement Not just

9:30

like a NASCAR has all the stickers

9:33

all over their car I guess your sweet

9:35

staple feet sponsored by pens

9:37

oil And

9:39

big metal gold plated big metal big rubber

9:42

and yeah, yeah big metal. It would be

9:44

big metal. You know what? I Putting

9:53

your hands together what I mean you could

9:55

get work at a bass and Robbins

9:57

with your scooping just scooping You

10:00

just go... You get called

10:02

into your boss's office. Hey

10:04

boss, what's going on? He goes, can I take

10:07

a seat buddy? He dresses off, he goes, more

10:10

complaints than you just scoop in the ice cream with your hands. You're

10:13

standing there with sherbert dripping off

10:15

your hands. Like well, I

10:17

mean, what am I supposed to do here?

10:19

I mean I wash them, I get it, but people

10:22

are getting real upset that you're just digging in there

10:24

with your fucking scoop hands. Oh,

10:26

do I ruin something with you guys? I

10:29

don't think I've ruined this for you yet. Growing

10:31

up, I had a friend that worked at a Baskin-Robbins

10:33

and he always had to close. So of course, we'd

10:35

just go in there and fuck off on

10:37

the closing nights because no one was there.

10:40

What? I just... You didn't

10:42

hurt the food, did you? No. It's better not

10:45

be about your wiener. Oh, never mind then. Alright, so we'll move on.

10:48

You put your balls in the moose tracks? Yeah. You

10:52

were wondering what the chocolate part's going to look like. Yeah.

10:55

No. They have the... this,

10:59

but they have the water thing in the back, right?

11:01

That they put the scoops in. Did

11:04

you know it's just fucking cold water? Isn't

11:06

that hot water? Did

11:08

you know that? No. Why

11:11

would it... Why? I mean, I

11:13

would think you would have at least some warm water

11:15

to warm up the metal to make it easier to

11:17

scoop. Well, is it cold or is it just room

11:19

temperature? It's just fucking cold water. Because

11:22

you'd have to heat it up if you're going to keep it.

11:24

I get it. I know. They

11:27

have the little bubble thing in there so it

11:29

doesn't get stale. There's nothing... There's no fucking heat

11:32

in it. It's just water. How stupid is

11:34

that? This whole time I thought they were

11:36

warming them up so they could scoop your ice cream easier. Honestly,

11:38

I didn't even know that that was a thing. You didn't know

11:41

there's a little metal thing back there? No. Especially

11:43

Baskin Robbins? I haven't been to a Baskin Robbins in

11:45

30 years. In 36 flavors, dude. Yeah.

11:49

Up here, it's cold zone now. Well, cold zone

11:51

sucks. Your mom sucks. What? Your

11:53

mom sucks cold zone. I

11:56

don't... Cold zone's fine. Just give me my ice

11:58

cream. Your

12:01

Weldon time for Physicists. She'll break this liners.

12:03

As for my fog and ice cream, I

12:05

can when we go. I guess I was

12:07

the same. Wales like what you want to

12:09

do what with my same. And then I'd

12:12

started yeah, I'm like, okay, oh I see

12:14

And and people started. Get Nicholson gift cards

12:16

and subvert this classic Cf. My gripes: With.

12:18

Cold Stone is like please do for I get here.

12:21

Like. Getting his make this ice cream. Want to called say

12:23

we're stopping for ice cream A You really that much of

12:26

a hurry to get to a different ice cream shop? Assistants

12:31

says this is like any as is difficult

12:34

those part for I got her. Just

12:37

asking. For. A friend know, cause you

12:39

have to pick your candies and let me pick

12:41

and just make it all nice and to get

12:43

on the awesome for I get. Waste.

12:45

My second time zoos August. Chemistry gets

12:47

some yeah back to the superglue fingers

12:49

together I what else to job was

12:52

is gonna out just pulled tap caught

12:54

whatever yeah dumb would exactly half or

12:56

on what you're saying but scooping ice

12:58

cream. Now at the

13:00

I would suck as ice creams really

13:02

hard right? Like this is real or

13:04

cavalier about that would suck sister says

13:06

i mean this is what's the scoop

13:08

you gotta be get a medal it's

13:10

I know you like to have to

13:12

dig your fingers now horror that would

13:14

be is Whedon for just keep your

13:16

hands some i wash he asks are

13:18

like the warm but it was on

13:20

up somebody he walked in the door

13:22

bell ago the killing me look over

13:24

to subdued of baby food is has

13:26

enough water from work for your order

13:28

and I guess. You know,

13:30

emotion doesn't like being

13:33

circumcised around here. Assists

13:35

I have learned of. It was relocated

13:37

to a. Sample.

13:41

Of the sizzle samples a seat it

13:43

right up to to get. Turns

13:47

out Cotton Candy Eater six we removed.

13:50

Ideas his like some it sucks it's

13:53

a sign of all exist under just

13:55

like. over the

13:57

counter and or a help you like

14:00

That's weird dude. Please

14:02

don't lean on the glass. You lean on it

14:05

and he's like, I gotta wash that. But,

14:09

yeah, your tongue, your tongue

14:11

just super soft. I

14:14

have some strangers' mitts. He's

14:17

like, do you like it? He

14:19

steps back and puts his hands back in the water. Do

14:22

you like it? A

14:24

little fingery. A

14:27

little fingery. Kind

14:29

of gamey. Oh

14:31

my god. That's so funny. You

14:35

taste them, you're like, goddamn, all these things taste like

14:37

finger. Everything tastes

14:39

like finger. God. This

14:42

vanilla bean even has a little too much finger for

14:44

me. He's just so sick

14:46

of sticking his hands in water. He's

14:49

so pruney. No,

14:54

that's pretty good. Just a little less fingery.

14:57

Yeah, I could go for that. A little

14:59

less finger. In my mouth would

15:01

be great though. I

15:06

mean, I could make it pommy. He's

15:09

like, let's try it. Pommy. Let's

15:11

start it over again. Little pineapple and palm. Put in your

15:13

palm. Yeah, savers for a feet job, like you're

15:16

sitting in the office and

15:18

you have to go sit by the office supplies.

15:21

You're in a cupboard and they open it up

15:23

like, hey, Joe. You're like, hey. You

15:29

just lift your foot up and you're like, oh, thanks.

15:32

You knew what I was coming for, right? Yep. All right,

15:34

bye. Just close the cupboard back up.

15:37

Imagine some guy's in a hurry. He's

15:39

like, you've got to get something stapled to get it out. Where

15:41

the fuck is Ted, dude? Ted's

15:43

in a bathroom break or something. He's

15:46

walking down the hallway from the bathroom. Ted,

15:49

you're supposed to be at your desk. I've

15:51

got a big meeting coming up. I

15:53

need your feet. Your

15:56

feet's of strength. I don't, I mean.

16:00

Trying to make love with superglued

16:02

fingers, like cursing someone's hair. Yeah.

16:05

Doing anything subtle with...

16:08

No video games, no movies, no computers, no

16:10

cell phones. That's a good way

16:13

to type, you're right. It's like a cat. Yeah,

16:16

you have to have some sort of modified attachment

16:19

over the top of your mitts. Little

16:22

rubber digits so you can flap around. You can

16:25

do like... We.

16:28

Yeah, you can do we. Well, kinda. You

16:30

can just be hanging off your wrist. Yeah, well

16:32

no, you can tape it to your hand. And

16:36

then, you know, you can't use your thumb, but

16:38

you can use your other hand. Good

16:40

luck playing a G chord on the guitar. You have

16:42

no more guitar. You can sing. You

16:44

can be a great drummer, maybe. You can be a singer, just

16:47

stand in there with your... Everybody, put your

16:49

hands up! You

16:51

can be a great referee. That's

16:53

all you have to do. Referee, you just go, it's good. This,

16:57

on the arm, it's good!

17:00

That's about all it's good for. I'm

17:02

gonna take the superglued fingers, just cause,

17:04

I mean, stapler feet sounds like a nightmare. You're

17:07

just rolling over in bed,

17:09

like accidentally, like fucking stapling the sheets to

17:11

the bed. Or your significant

17:14

other, you can do a little rubby foot thing

17:16

and just click, ow! God damn,

17:18

I did it again, didn't I? I'm

17:21

taking the superglued fingers. I think that's a good place.

17:23

That seems like the logical thing to do. I'm gonna

17:25

do that too. I love the brain, the

17:28

brain thoughts of a giant stapler for your foot. God,

17:31

that's funny. Now you just get

17:33

yourself into too much trouble. Too much hot

17:35

water or that? Yeah, you would. Oh man,

17:38

what a life. Alright, let's move on to the what are

17:40

you thinking about. Okay, Zach, do it. Hey. Hey,

17:43

what's up babe? What are you thinking about?

17:46

Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what, I'm thinking

17:48

about a lot of shit. What

17:51

are you thinking about? Actually,

17:53

Brian, I did get you something for Valentine's Day. You did? Yeah.

17:57

Here, here it is. Just kidding. It's

17:59

nothing. What are you thinking about? Well

18:04

What is it? I was gonna talk about

18:06

Valentine's Day. Okay, okay, and basically

18:08

what you just did Yeah, if you

18:10

told me yesterday, you loved me. Yeah,

18:13

but today's Valentine's Day, right? If you didn't say

18:15

I love you But I don't love you anymore.

18:17

I am I'm really

18:19

pissed. That is a weird thing It

18:23

seems like particularly about Valentine's

18:26

Day Cuz love

18:28

it just like love just becomes this This

18:32

wafer that can easily be crumbled

18:35

if actions aren't taken on the on the day of love

18:37

Which is complete marketing and a total

18:39

fucking scam But if you don't

18:42

if you don't buy in and play the game Move

18:44

out you I mean it the fuck

18:46

out. It's funny like the day before Valentine's

18:49

or like the morning of or

18:51

something how many dudes you'll see

18:53

in like Safeway Mm-hmm over in

18:55

the card section or the flower

18:57

section. Yeah, because they're it's

18:59

it's weird instead of just being like Something

19:02

that you it's like this

19:05

thing. You're like fuck. I gotta go. I

19:07

gotta leave work early

19:10

To make sure I stopped by the store

19:12

to get something or else she's

19:15

gonna be pissed right and not everybody is

19:17

that way Yeah, Zach was talking a

19:19

little bit about that about the show you and Monique

19:21

don't do shit. No, not really Not

19:24

on the normal holidays. We just like each other

19:26

all the year long and that's how

19:28

it should be That sounds just me gives me presents

19:30

as far as being kind all the time So, you

19:32

know, okay, you guys are disgusting. She got me coffee

19:34

this morning when I didn't ask for it cuz she's

19:37

sweet. Oh It's better

19:39

than flowers. Yeah. Yeah, but that's but that's

19:41

what I'm talking about right like that the

19:43

people do that for each other all year and Lucky

19:47

luckily, I mean, I'm not saying this from

19:49

experience. We don't really do anything either Yeah,

19:51

but there are situations where

19:54

it's like People

19:56

at work or something. They're getting their flowers

19:58

from their from their spouse And like if

20:01

you didn't get anything, how

20:03

embarrassing that is. And then now we're

20:05

fighting when you get home from work or something. Just

20:08

because of a day. Any

20:10

other day, you wake up, it's the same day as any other day.

20:13

But it's labeled something. And

20:15

if you don't do a certain thing. Is it that

20:17

competing with the Joneses kind of thing back in the

20:19

day? He got a barbecue, I need a barbecue. He

20:23

got a really nice diamond. What did you get me? A

20:26

deck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

20:28

that's true too. When, yeah, you don't do it

20:30

on Valentine's Day. Like I just redid the kitchen this last

20:32

week, dude. I love you,

20:34

I promise. It counts for nothing. Yeah. That

20:37

doesn't count because you didn't get flowers and chocolate

20:39

and you didn't redo the kitchen on Valentine's Day.

20:42

Yeah, I get it. It's

20:46

amazing how influential a marketing

20:48

campaign can be. I mean, fucking look at

20:50

Christmas. What

20:52

the fuck is going on? Easter. Well,

20:55

how stressful is Christmas, right? Yeah. It

20:57

should be this time when you're with your

20:59

family and the kids are all fighting and

21:02

everyone's they didn't get there. The Santa didn't

21:04

bring the right toy or like, and

21:08

you didn't get me a present early enough because

21:10

the fact that you did it on the day

21:12

before doesn't show that you love me, that you

21:15

didn't think about it. You don't like, dude, I'm

21:17

just trying to get through today. Like

21:20

fuck. Right. And so

21:22

here we are fighting about something that doesn't

21:24

matter. Is there a tiny

21:26

sliver in you though? Let's say it's your birthday or

21:29

something like that, which I guess maybe falls into

21:31

no different because birthday is not necessarily like a

21:33

marketing thing. You just, you were born and so

21:35

it's a marketing. It's a thing that humans do,

21:37

but it also is at the core, like a

21:39

reason to celebrate like every guess,

21:41

every civilization that we know about, like

21:44

you would celebrate a birthday if

21:46

you knew when you, when it was like, but

21:50

on Valentine's Day, it's probably, it's just that little bit, no

21:52

matter how much you don't care, is there a tiny little

21:54

slice in there where you're like, yeah, it would have been

21:56

nice to get some flowers. Are

21:58

You asking me? Or just. The money I just

22:01

a passing anybody know because you claim you like

22:03

adults here like I truly don't care if it

22:05

gets others my birthday and it was like okay

22:07

and you've got nothing you're like was it will

22:10

go not buddhism swimmer he oh it's great

22:12

It's like when i if i'm out of coffee

22:14

or something in my sock and ago and over

22:16

the fridge and my wife made coffee before she

22:18

left and like put in the freezer bags and

22:21

hold coffee. Something like that is

22:23

so much better. Or if I go into

22:25

the pantry and there's a not or cheese

22:27

thing in their system, do that she's got

22:29

at the store. And. Didn't say

22:31

anything assist in their. Exact. So

22:34

much cooler. Settle and like waiting is

22:36

mean. Like did you bring me anything

22:38

on for Valentine's Day? Events

22:41

expected, he affected. I was like ah man,

22:43

I don't have that oh no way. She

22:45

did get it fully for Senate. So much

22:48

cooler. This is the lube I love. See

22:50

No seals me to a. Good

22:53

start your own damn holiday between you and

22:55

your wife or whatever. Like. An anniversary

22:58

of them or something that like

23:00

there's a Valentine's Day to it's

23:02

in January Woods and Sours if

23:04

it's the week after Valentine's Day

23:06

but isn't gonna have a day

23:08

when I really got start for

23:10

like there's others national fuckin don't

23:12

a pizza role day yeah and

23:14

so like there's some restaurant others

23:16

given we'd. Sit. Down to

23:18

D C Dinosaur don't I don't on

23:20

us dinosaur donut with that sir. Don't

23:22

a pizza day near enough? So

23:25

that all so that it's I'm

23:27

the fucking mall downtown. And.

23:30

There's a day when Ben and Jerry's

23:32

gives away free ice cream cones if

23:34

they do, and. Ah

23:36

we were. We were there to watch a movie

23:38

one night. And. There was a

23:40

there was a line. I shit you not.

23:43

It. Had to been an hour long

23:45

wrapped around this place when the ice

23:48

cream cone normally is probably like three

23:50

bucks. But. it's free and

23:52

people waiting in line for an hour

23:54

are you fucking kidding me right to

23:56

send back tomorrow pay three bucks time

23:58

versus or who and enjoyment for me

24:00

is like That I'm sorry.

24:02

I will pay a little bit extra to for

24:05

the To be in front.

24:07

Yeah. Yeah, it's like I'm not gonna wait in line

24:09

for an hour for a free ice cream cone. Mm-hmm

24:12

Maybe the free house. Yeah, maybe I

24:15

got it. I got another one. I love that

24:17

out of that just to just Yeah

24:23

But I don't know. Yeah, it's just for me

24:25

It's the obligation and it's a

24:27

lot of like it's kind of George Costanzi But

24:29

like how everything like when

24:31

you go to visit someone's house You got

24:33

a you got to bring something or

24:35

it's like it's rude if you don't bring Sort

24:40

of gift something wine. Yeah, Mac

24:42

and so then it's this whole

24:44

production Like now I gotta now

24:47

I gotta make sure I plan it out

24:49

So I have to get this thing to go

24:51

over when I'm already going to they invite me

24:53

I'm showing up You know like if

24:56

I if I am hosting a party, I

24:58

don't expect anybody to bring anything Just

25:01

because I don't I was never raised that way. I

25:03

don't want anybody to feel obligated Yeah

25:06

I don't like to celebrate my birthday for that reason because

25:08

I don't want people to feel Obligated

25:10

like they have to show up To

25:12

something that I'm doing and if they don't

25:14

show up then they feel like Oh dizzy

25:16

mad because he I didn't show up Like

25:18

I don't want anybody to have

25:20

to worry about that shit. Yeah, you know, I mean I

25:22

do I know what you mean. So

25:25

I just thinking back on a story you told on the show

25:27

a long time ago About being in

25:29

a pizza place. I think it was after your Someone

25:32

passed away and had the slideshow going on, but

25:34

it was like a birthday party You

25:36

had to keep on looking at pictures of you really

25:38

sad like moments. I forget the whole

25:41

story for God. That was a funny Funny

25:43

bit remember like it's some photo I

25:45

don't know some photo booth and you were trying to

25:47

be like super serious within the background like oh Yeah,

25:51

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was that

25:53

it was a Chico's in there was a

25:55

there was a photo booth for people Yeah,

25:57

and kids were taking pictures and stuff. Mm-hmm

26:00

And I that's right and they were taking pictures

26:02

and I was in the background just like all

26:04

teary-eyed to the little thing It's like you were

26:06

like Yeah

26:09

crying in the background Alright,

26:12

let's move off to some thick-ass dick. Let's

26:14

try to fit this all in okay, okay Anyway,

26:24

that's why I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day and you

26:27

wouldn't even want it anyway That's good because I don't want

26:29

you to have to stress out. Thank you. Oh

26:31

thinking about you Yeah, all right. Do

26:33

you want to you want to read the first dick

26:35

here? Sure want to gape this thing open? spread

26:38

this segment We're

26:40

not a good fucking parrot story. We're

26:43

not badass or parrots fucking awesome

26:45

I follow one call named Apollo on

26:47

Instagram all of the parrot and honey

26:49

So he's an African gray and he

26:52

says the funniest shit just

26:54

all the time just Like

26:57

you'll show like a like a like all these different

26:59

objects like that's a book I'm

27:05

sorry, but animals speaking English is fucking hilarious.

27:07

Thank you. Like Apollo. What's this and he

27:09

like walks over and Bites

27:11

on it and he goes The

27:17

owner has a really like original voice and now

27:19

he said I get super low and like this

27:21

so everything plants Bell

27:30

And he loves the character like the Shrek there's

27:33

a Shrek character we love Shrek, but

27:35

he always making messes it up he's like Shrek He's

27:40

got a little accent so people yeah So people sent him

27:42

like a green croc with Shrek

27:44

or with the Shrek ears on it That's

27:46

the Shrek is there there's a lot

27:48

beak There has to be like a

27:51

pair with like an Australian accent or something.

27:53

That would be hilarious. Yeah, so good I

27:55

think It's hilarious

27:57

because people Austrian accent

28:00

I don't care what it's a bird or a person don't

28:02

care if you're if you are offended

28:04

by that's funny All right, so we got going

28:06

on My British

28:09

wildlife Park has hatched a new

28:11

plan to rehabilitate its potty mouth

28:13

parrots After they unleashed

28:15

a tide of expletives. Yeah,

28:18

that was it was some we've

28:20

sent it to each other I think a couple times

28:22

where that guy's smashing the cage and

28:24

the parrots at the back one He's

28:31

just screaming and the guys what

28:33

hitting like getting all bugged mad the

28:35

parrot is There's

28:42

nothing better no there Mimicking

28:48

us So

29:00

back in 2020 five foul-mouthed

29:03

African gray parrots donated

29:05

a Lincolnshire wildlife Park in Eastern England

29:07

were isolated from the flock in an

29:09

attempt to prove their improve their language

29:12

But from Tuesday the team is

29:14

adopting a different riskier approach of

29:17

integrating three newly donated cuss happy

29:19

birds named Eric captain

29:22

and Sheila alongside the

29:24

original five miscreants into the flock When

29:27

we came when we came to move them the language

29:29

that came out of there came

29:31

out of their carrying boxes was phenomenal Really

29:34

bad not normal swear words. These

29:36

were proper We

29:41

put eight really really offensive swearing

29:43

parrots into 92 with in with

29:45

92 non swearing ones He

29:48

said if the new strategy works the

29:50

eight parents could learn all the nice

29:53

noises like microwaves and vehicles

29:55

reversing It's

29:57

like like you're going to bed and you

29:59

put on your noise canceling headphones and

30:01

just put on microwave. I've

30:09

never thought of a microwave being soothing, being

30:11

a nice noise. Yeah, what about a fan?

30:13

I don't know. Fan noise over microwaves?

30:16

I mean, maybe I can't sleep without

30:18

microwaves. They have mellow microwaves in Australia,

30:20

maybe. You turn your microwave on for

30:22

like two hours. Yeah, you go to

30:24

bed. Just to go to bed to

30:26

it. You have to travel with the microwave. Babe,

30:29

you know I can't sleep without my microwave noise. You're

30:32

at an airport carrying your microwave? Get

30:35

to the hotel, shut your little toesies

30:37

out, plug your fucking bedtime microwave in.

30:40

Around the nightstand. All right, babe, good night. Good

30:42

night. Doo, doo, doo. The

30:47

lights on. It's

30:49

a little nightlight, little noise. Nine, nine,

30:51

nine, nine. Start. Eee.

30:54

Eee. Eee. Eee. It's

30:57

glowing and you're blasting

30:59

radiation. Eee. Eee.

31:02

Eee. You all

31:05

snuggled into your blanket. Eee. Gosh.

31:08

The neighbors are being

31:10

loud. You plug in more microwaves? You've

31:13

got five microwaves going. Just

31:15

all stacked on top. Oh, God. I

31:18

hate hotels. Beep beep beep beep. Push a

31:20

nine. Eee. Eee. Eee.

31:23

Just how hard many microwave. Eee.

31:29

Wake up with three arms. Yeah.

31:31

Oh, there it is. There's your microwave. So, like, but

31:34

I also picture. Fuck.

31:38

What? What was I

31:40

going to say? Oh, yeah. So,

31:42

like, then it, like, catches on.

31:45

That microwave is a soothing. So, then

31:47

you're downloading, like, instead of white noise

31:49

apps, you're downloading just microwave apps. Different

31:51

little microwave. So, on your phone, you're

31:53

like, beep beep beep beep. Eee.

31:57

You like it. I don't even know fucking microwave brands

31:59

like Whirlpool. fucking Kirkland something

32:01

Ezra would invent mmm was

32:03

a fucking microwave simulator on

32:05

your phone and then

32:08

when it goes on brand like that for

32:10

well how you set it for when your

32:12

alarm and then it hours yeah then yeah

32:14

yeah it's a nightlight noise

32:17

machine and an alarm in the

32:19

best one-stop shop for

32:21

any sort of sleeping thing I like you or

32:23

use the phone but like

32:25

a phone with a fan well then that's why you get the

32:28

app right that's why you get the microwave out yeah we're out

32:30

of something okay so what happened with these parents in here um

32:33

that's the time that the isolation

32:35

integrating the five original birds into

32:38

the flock was mostly successful but

32:41

they just a couple fuck yeah they

32:43

still curse sometimes it says and even

32:45

laugh afterward the other bird

32:47

they do it yeah

32:51

and then one burglar

32:58

like all by himself in the corner

33:00

yeah like he's fucking around with

33:09

the cage like if you're like but

33:21

bounce it up and down or he's like he's like picking at him

33:23

yeah okay okay in

33:35

the mimicking the most common reaction for

33:37

their foul language parents precisely

33:39

echo the sounds they hear so six

33:41

of them got men's voices two

33:43

of them got ladies voices and when they

33:45

are all swearing it does sound really bad

33:50

the park is installed large signs warning visitors

33:52

about the parents language but Nicholas said it

33:54

hasn't received a single complaint in

33:56

fact historically we did hear a lot

33:58

more customers swearing parents Then

34:01

we did parents swearing at customers. African

34:04

graves are highly social parrots, forming groups

34:06

of up to a thousand birds to

34:08

roost at night in the wild and

34:10

communicating with the judges through various calls.

34:12

That's funny. I'm picturing the scene from

34:14

Finding Nemo. Is that a MINE? Just

34:16

fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Yeah,

34:19

fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

34:21

Fuck! Ah! Ha

34:23

ha! Uh... What is

34:25

this? Uh... Researchers believe

34:27

their intelligence is almost unparalleled to in

34:30

the animal kingdom compared to that of apes,

34:32

whales, and dolphins. Explatives are particularly easy to

34:34

mimic for African graves since they are

34:37

almost always said in the same tone and context

34:39

without any other words surrounding them. When

34:41

you tell someone to F off, you usually say it

34:43

in the same... You say it the same every time,

34:45

you said. For now, the park is

34:47

hoping that he will learn the sounds of the

34:50

flock and mend their potty-mouthed ways. Well, only time

34:52

will tell, huh? It's so funny, because like, yeah,

34:54

if we surround them by a bunch of... a

34:57

bunch of good speaking things, maybe... If

34:59

we take this guy fresh out of jail

35:01

and put him in this Mormon temple... Right.

35:04

He'll be wearing magic underpants and nothing. Stop

35:06

raping people. Stop raping and selling drugs. Mm-hmm.

35:09

Because no one else is doing that around him. It'd

35:11

be awesome if all a thousand birds started cussing instead

35:14

with the opposite way. Yeah, yeah, they influenced all the

35:16

other birds. You walk into the park, and he's like,

35:19

Hey, fuck you! Remember reading the story about a

35:21

parrot that talked and like, it was calling visitors

35:23

fat and stuff, which is so funny. Like, they'd

35:25

walk into the park... Hey, fatty! Yeah, they'd walk

35:27

in, like, hey, fatso! He'd be like... He'd be

35:29

like, ah, beautiful day at the zoo, and you're pushing your...

35:31

They're eating an ice cream cone. Kid in a stroller,

35:33

he's like, maybe less ice cream, fatty! What?

35:36

Fuck you! So specific. Fuck

35:38

you, parrot. Just laughing at another one. He's like, ha

35:41

ha ha, fat! He's fat! He's fat!

35:43

We all start laughing. Alright, let's move on

35:46

to our next piece of day. He's

35:49

fat! He's fat! We all start

35:51

laughing. Alright, let's move on

35:53

to our next piece of day. Police

35:56

officers arrest victim of

35:58

Miami-Dade shooting... bullets

36:00

fall from pant pocket. Oh,

36:02

oops. You know that old classic. Well,

36:05

I don't know how to get there. Roberto

36:08

and his last name is Dumbass,

36:11

the Dumas. So Roberto Dumbass told police

36:13

officers that he was walking out of

36:16

a bar when someone shot him in

36:18

the leg. But he had no

36:20

idea why. According to police, he would later end up in

36:22

handcuffs. Dude, I don't know why he did it. I don't

36:24

know why he did it. It fucking hurts, dude. Ow.

36:28

I don't know. Maybe his girlfriend

36:30

just liked me or something. Probably. He

36:32

shot me in the leg. Six bullets

36:34

fell out of his pant pocket on Sunday

36:36

at Jackson Memorial Hospital's Ryder Trauma

36:39

Center. And then police

36:41

officers searched their car. They found more bullets,

36:45

a spent casing, and a gun. How

36:47

many bullets does this motherfucker have on him? I

36:51

picture like an airplane or

36:53

an airplane two scene. He's like, you got any bullets in

36:55

your car? He's like,

36:57

no. They opened it up. He just

36:59

goes, all bullets. No

37:01

room to even sit in the car. Just tons of

37:04

fucking bullets. I'm hearing, uh, Bradley

37:07

run a family with a pocket full of

37:09

shells. Dumbass 40 told

37:11

police officers that he had suffered a gunshot

37:13

wound to his right leg outside

37:16

of Jimbo's. Jimbo's?

37:18

I don't know. Uh, Jimbo,

37:20

yeah, whatever it is. Doesn't matter. And

37:23

then he had no idea where the 38

37:25

Smith and Wesson special has ended up in

37:27

his car. Fuck, dude. That's not

37:30

mine. Whoa, what? Free gun? Did

37:33

you leave this area? I was yelling back at

37:35

the restaurant, like, shit, is it free gun night?

37:37

I just got it. I didn't know a fucking surf

37:39

and turf came with a fucking Smith and Wesson. That's

37:41

weird. They're putting your car for you and everything. Wow.

37:44

And they put, whoa, they put bullets in your pocket? They

37:46

snuck bullets in my pocket, dude. Hey, hey, Bill, is it free

37:48

bullets, man? And they shot me in the leg, too. They

37:50

shot me in the leg. I love this place. I eat here

37:53

every day. A

38:00

record show he was convicted back in 2012 of

38:03

resisting arrest and fleeing and eluding police in

38:05

Miami Seems like it probably

38:07

because you have a fucking pocket full of shells

38:13

Prosecutors filed a case against him for possession of

38:15

a firearm by a felon and set his bond

38:17

at 7,500 bucks and

38:19

it's illegal in Florida for convicted felons

38:21

to possess firearms including muscle loading guns

38:23

I Hear

38:28

a police officer and he like I searched your pockets like

38:33

Gunpowder and he's like yeah go ahead and like you

38:35

have to move like this because you have a muscle

38:37

loader That's tucked into your

38:39

waistband. It just like goes up through your armpit and down

38:42

to your shoe Dude imagine. Okay.

38:44

This is this is gonna it's kind of

38:46

dark, but Imagine like

38:48

a school shooting Or like

38:51

the vegas shooting where the guy had like just

38:53

high powered rifles and you're able to the highest

38:55

power You're you're able to just mow people down

38:58

But doing that with a musket and

39:00

then all the supplies you'd have to take so

39:02

you've got let's say you've got like a pocket

39:04

full of shell pocket full of round bullets And

39:08

you have to have like a fucking

39:10

the bag for your little bit Yeah,

39:13

gunpowder all that shit. You have to do

39:16

Not only you just bring like all these guys

39:18

you bring magazines guns now, but you have to

39:20

bring all that shit It's just it's also a

39:22

second I'm not sure if

39:24

they probably make I just

39:26

learned this recently It's a little side quest that

39:29

you do that muzzle like muzzle hunting is a

39:31

whole fucking thing It's like still yeah So I picture

39:33

like you either go out there with a rifle you

39:36

got there with a bow like those are your really

39:38

your hunt Or trapping like those are your hunting options,

39:41

but there's a whole thing There's a whole world of create

39:43

a whole community built around going out

39:45

trying to kill animals with fucking muzzle loaders Hmm,

39:48

which is so funny to me Because

39:50

get I mean, I mean are you just

39:52

are you just so good at hunting? You

39:54

said to make it so hard Yeah, you're

39:56

like I'm so sick of easily just fucking you

39:59

have like murdering it Husband the talking

40:01

to wife the wife's like you haven't come home with

40:03

anything in 10 years I think you

40:05

should stick with the actual guns and

40:07

he's like well No, not an excuse for why I don't

40:10

Get one every time doing muzzle loading instead. How

40:12

long's it been to you got some it's been

40:14

a decade Well, you're using a fucking musket. No

40:17

wonder. Yeah, exactly. It's a fucking issue. He's like,

40:19

well, no, I just started doing that this year

40:22

It's right. Oh you do you saw that? Oh boy.

40:24

I'm terrible got it. We are at the bullet circle

40:26

So picture with someone shooting. Yeah, and they just go

40:29

That's how it was until the rifling was invented.

40:31

Mm-hmm. So you shoot it I'm sure there's new

40:33

ones now that are more cone

40:35

shaped and go where you aim them I think that would

40:37

make the most sense, but be so frustrating. Mmm, I don't

40:40

think it's already hard and you have the Perfect

40:42

shot lined up. It's like right in

40:44

your skull 25 yards. It's nothing and

40:46

you five feet

40:48

over the head Get

40:56

up you just watch your bullet go Zip

40:59

and miss them by fucking hundred feet. You know,

41:01

god damn it. It's like ha It's

41:05

not moving and you're like fucking you're reaching in

41:08

your pocket trying to reload your gun

41:11

You were so far off. It didn't move you're like,

41:13

I didn't even notice He

41:15

like looked around it's like fuck fuck. What

41:17

was that? What was that? Gladly? The

41:20

loud leaf a hundred fucking feet away from me. But

41:23

yeah, it reminds me of talking to this guy. Mr. Dumbass

41:26

I Think a kid

41:28

stealing cookie. Like did you eat the

41:30

cookies and their face is just covered. Uh-huh.

41:32

Fucking crazy I think my brother did it like

41:35

so crazy dude. That's so crazy. I didn't even

41:37

know there were cookies here You're looking. Mm-hmm. All

41:39

right, we'll see and

41:42

they're asking for anyone to come forward with more

41:44

information I think that got you guys

41:46

out all you got everything you need Anybody

41:49

has any other information that could help you

41:51

got it all You've got you've got all

41:54

the information you need buddy. You've got a gun You

41:56

got a guy who actually shot himself with a

41:58

pocket full of bullets in a car Match

42:00

up to the gun match up to the gun. I'm

42:02

gonna need a stool sample. Yeah No,

42:05

no, if anyone else see anything fucking let us know

42:07

like now you got it from here, but I'm just

42:10

doing my due diligence I have to ask have to

42:12

ask. Oh fuck. It reminds me that story. Yep Was

42:15

that here when I told that story remember? No, hmm

42:18

You have to tell him off-camera where I

42:20

saw an officer push a guy in handcuffs and he

42:22

smacked his head against the pavement Oh shit, and then

42:24

I was like, whoa, like you don't

42:26

have to do that. And then later you

42:28

asked for my story Cuz I was standing outside

42:31

and I saw it all and he had his

42:33

little notepad out and he's writing down my story And

42:35

then when I said something about him pushing it, he just clicked his

42:37

pen and put his notepad away He's

42:40

like God, you've got all the information you need

42:42

buddy. You've got a gun You got a guy

42:44

who actually shot himself with a pocket full of

42:46

bullets And a car full of match up to

42:48

the gun match up to the gun. I'm

42:50

gonna need a stool sample. Yeah No,

42:52

no, if anyone else see anything fucking let us know

42:55

like now you got it from here, but I'm just

42:57

doing my due diligence I have to ask I have

42:59

to ask. Oh fuck. It reminds me that story. Yeah

43:02

Was that here when I told that story remember? No,

43:05

hmm You have to tell him off-camera where

43:07

I saw an officer push a guy in handcuffs

43:09

and he smacked his head against the pavement Oh

43:11

shit, and then I was like, whoa, like you

43:13

don't have to do that And then later he

43:16

asked for my story because I was standing outside

43:18

and I saw it all and he

43:20

had his little notepad out And he's writing down my story.

43:22

And then when I said something about him pushing it, he

43:24

just clicked his pen and put his notepad away He's

43:27

like no longer want to hear your story. I got

43:29

everything I need like well, all right Well, think

43:32

of anything else. I'm like you didn't like

43:34

what I was saying Yeah, you shouldn't push the

43:36

guy in handcuffs and he's

43:38

like, yeah got it all. Yeah, it's all I need

43:40

Yeah, thanks. Thanks junior. Tap me on the shoulder and

43:44

Load the guy into a car and away they went gave

43:46

you a plastic deputy badge. Yeah He's like a little sticker.

43:48

You've really done it today. You're gonna get all the ladies

43:50

with this thing and peels it off My

43:53

sweetie is like an I voted

43:56

thing I contributed in it The

44:00

honorary sheriff he fixed it on you looked out.

44:02

It's like the officer. I was talking to

44:04

got my whole story He's

44:08

writing and he stops writing he clicks his pen just gives

44:10

me the pen means like that got it all yeah You

44:14

take that you'll have it. All right move off

44:16

to another piece of dick. What do you have

44:18

Brian? Do I have? I'm

44:23

gonna go ahead and do The

44:26

Amish horse and buggy okay story

44:28

fucking give it to me, baby We

44:31

were recently on a few weeks ago. I don't

44:33

know when now since yeah, who knows what day

44:35

it is Where

44:37

they you know if you

44:40

had modern-day amenities Right,

44:42

but we did uber back then yeah Shit

44:47

yeah, oh one posted an AI

44:49

generated Pictures

44:51

in the can you don't Facebook group the

44:53

playground that was the underwater horse

44:55

delivery service Oh, I didn't see that yeah They're

44:57

pretty good because I'm just fucking super masculine do

44:59

with a pizza bag on the back of a

45:01

horse under all underwater

45:05

Anyway, oh yeah, I did share that with you Okay,

45:08

Amish horse and buggy stolen from

45:11

Walmart parking lot while family shopped

45:15

First of all just reading that I didn't

45:17

realize Amish people shop at Walmart. Yeah, I know they

45:19

could I thought I was like against

45:21

the rules But

45:24

what are you getting there? He's like dude. He just

45:26

gave up on me He's like I'm not gonna make

45:28

a chair or the butter He's like we're just gonna

45:30

go buy butter to get through this week. He goes.

45:32

Oh, we're gonna take the car Nope, no,

45:34

I'm not I'm not veering that far off the

45:36

path. Yeah, I get all these ones in today

45:38

He's just in the garage. He's just crying looking

45:41

at like a cherry can't fucking figure out He's

45:43

like fuck it. We're going to Walmart. He's like, how do they I

45:45

don't get how they do this. Yeah, but I uh She's

45:48

bring the bring the buggy around bring the buggy

45:50

around. I can't just I can't put that can't

45:52

make a chair Do you think

45:54

I mean I am Amish you think I'd be better at this. I can't I

45:57

can't make a chair We're going to Walmart Failure

46:00

at being Amish. Mm-hmm. Yeah, Walmart's

46:02

got my back. I

46:04

mean not different skills for different people. Sure. Not

46:06

every Amish person is gonna make a fucking sweet

46:09

house. Well, and you got to think about this

46:11

like everybody, you know, like every

46:13

guy that's like a doctor and he has a

46:15

kid and then the Like I

46:17

picture like an Indian family and the

46:19

the kids like their mom and

46:21

dad are both Doctors. Legendary doctors.

46:23

And you're supposed to be a doctor too. And

46:25

if you're not named after him, you're not a

46:28

doctor. You're a failure. So

46:31

this sort of thing like not everyone's gonna be

46:33

amazing at building chairs if you're Amish like sometimes

46:35

you just want to do something else. We'll get

46:38

kingpin. He just wanted a

46:40

bowl. Yeah, and picture this sad Amish guy in

46:42

a garage. He's just looking... Just

46:45

isn't for me. He's just on the ground and

46:47

he's looking up at the walls as pictures of

46:49

his dad with awesome chairs. Just the chair master.

46:52

They called him the chairman. He's just a whole wall with

46:55

his dad posing with different chairs that he's made. And

46:57

he's just sitting there with a lantern. He's

47:00

sitting in a chair that his dad made. His

47:02

dad made crying looking at a chair. He can't

47:04

fucking film. And he's like, dad, how'd you do

47:06

it? I should just call him. Fuck! You

47:10

get it. You can't. I know. You get

47:12

it. Okay. So anyway, what happened? Okay. And

47:15

Amish family had their horse and buggy stolen while

47:17

they shopped at a Michigan Walmart, please say. The

47:19

theft took place on Saturday at approximately 5 30

47:22

p.m. in the town of Sturgis, Michigan. There's

47:25

another Sturgis. It's

47:27

that's the horse. They've tried to get the

47:29

Sturgis rally going for horse and buggy. Hasn't

47:31

taken off. You roll into the Sturgis motorcycle rally with

47:34

the horse and buggy. Wrong Sturgis.

47:39

Just the scaredest horses. Some people cranking

47:41

their hogs. Picture

47:44

that. It's

47:50

just that idea of like just steel horses.

47:53

On a steel horse I ride. You know? And

47:55

all of a sudden you see. Like a cowboy! And then just. And

47:57

then just. And then just. And then just. And then just. And then

47:59

just. People looking around like, honey, I don't think this

48:01

is the right sturges. You're wearing

48:04

a motorcycle helmet? And

48:07

a motorcycle, like all your leather get ups?

48:10

Yeah, on a horse and buggy.

48:12

You got like the window breakers hanging off the side?

48:18

Or the get back whip, I think is what we learned

48:20

those were called. The things that hang

48:22

off the handlebars with like the whips and the ball on

48:24

it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like if a car

48:27

fucks with you, you can just take it off and smash

48:29

your window out. I always thought

48:31

it was like a cool decoration or what

48:33

gang you were in. Yeah. At

48:35

least leather chaps would fit in in both places.

48:38

Yeah, they would. So you fucking

48:40

play like a fit leather chap? All

48:42

chaps are assless. That's

48:44

true. Fun fact. You don't need to call

48:47

them assless chaps. They're just chaps.

48:49

They're just chaps and you're just not wearing pants. You're not

48:51

wearing pants and every chap have ass. Pantless

48:53

chaps. Okay, back to

48:55

this thing. When

48:58

the sturges department, police were called to the Walmart,

49:01

report of stolen Amish buggy and the horse from

49:04

the establishment parking lot. A truck driver parked

49:06

in the Walmart lot had seen a female steal

49:08

the buggy. According to the statement

49:10

from the Sturgis Department of Public Safety, he gave it

49:12

a, oh God. As it

49:14

turns out, police had already made contact with a

49:16

31 year old suspect earlier in that

49:19

day at the same Walmart. The officials did

49:21

not elaborate on why they had spoken to

49:23

her or what the reason behind contact was.

49:25

She's just fucking breaking the, just hanging out

49:27

Walmart. He's waiting for a horse. Yeah.

49:31

Police eventually found the stolen horse and buggy

49:33

later the same evening and were able to

49:35

find the alleged unnamed suspect at a nearby

49:37

motel where she was arrested without incident. Subsequently

49:42

lodged at the St. Joseph County

49:44

jail in charge of larceny and

49:46

larceny of livestock. She is currently

49:48

pending an arraignment. The horse was

49:50

returned to the family along

49:53

with their buggy following the incident and police say

49:55

the animal was unharmed during the ordeal. Just a

49:57

little scared probably. Little shaken up. Little shaken up,

49:59

yeah. Uh, the thought

50:01

of like, I guess another

50:03

family. They're in town, they're on their way to

50:06

some big event, and they got the kids packed

50:08

up, they just drove for 9 hours to get

50:10

there. And you go and you park. You

50:13

park at like a motel, Motel 6

50:15

or something, you know? And you get in, you

50:17

get out and you're stretching, you're like, ugh, you

50:19

look over, just a fucking horse? Horse, yeah. Parked

50:22

in the parking spot next to you? It's

50:25

just, yeah, just doing horse things, they're just

50:27

looking at you, and you're like, honey, should

50:29

we stay here? The

50:31

fuck is the horse and buggy doing? Parked

50:33

outside our Motel 6. Or

50:35

they get, you know, the lady that stole it, the

50:37

officers, you know, knock on the door, open it up,

50:40

they're like, man, what? What? And they

50:42

just like, scoot out of the way and just look

50:44

backwards at the horse and buggy. That's not mine. Yeah,

50:46

that's not mine. That was here. Yeah, we know. That

50:48

was here when I got here. It

50:51

was already here. It was stolen from the Walmart that

50:54

you were at. We already talked to you earlier. Like,

50:56

fucking crazy coincidence. Yeah, that's weird. Sorry, I can't help

50:58

you guys. Alright, good luck out there.

51:01

Shut the door. Yeah. You're

51:04

wearing the motorcycle helmet? The chaps. You're wearing

51:06

the chaps, you got fucking a bunch of

51:08

carrots over your shoulder. Eating the butter that's...

51:12

That was left in the covered wagon? Yeah. What

51:14

the fuck else was she doing earlier that

51:16

day? That's what I picture, like, she's

51:19

staying, maybe living at a motel, and

51:22

is just hanging out of Walmart doing

51:24

shit. She

51:26

had on something, maybe? Maybe.

51:29

I get the temptation, though. Just

51:33

yesterday, after Pepper's basketball

51:36

game, I was walking down the school

51:38

hallway and there was an unmanned

51:40

floor shiner. Like,

51:42

the drivable kind. And

51:44

I was like... And the keys were in it.

51:47

And I was like... I mean... Yeah. Fucking

51:50

why not? I get it. What's

51:52

the worst thing that could happen? I shine the

51:54

wall on accident? It's a fucking floor shiner.

51:56

What's the worst that could happen? I do somebody's

51:58

job for him? Right. Hey stop doing

52:00

my job! He shows up, he's like shit I

52:02

don't have to do anything now. Yeah he has

52:04

that too, he's like hey! You turn

52:07

it off, pick your headphones up, yep! He

52:09

goes, you shined the floor? He's

52:14

like yeah, never fucking did it before, I just figured

52:16

I'd do it. He's like, okay cool, make sure you

52:18

get, the corners are a little tricky.

52:20

Yeah, sure you get the gym too. Yeah he'd have the

52:22

internal dilemma of like, do I stop this guy from just

52:24

doing this shit job I don't want to do? What

52:27

if I left this lunatic, floss the floor?

52:29

Well just pretend you didn't see it. Just

52:32

turn around. Two different things, two things

52:34

can happen. You

52:37

know, I guess

52:39

you could get in trouble for leaving your thing

52:41

unattended. Or the

52:43

job's done already. That's really... This

52:47

just reminded me growing up, I didn't

52:49

do it, my buddy did. We

52:52

were out and about fucking around, probably not

52:54

drunk, just bored. When we were

52:56

going down this country road and there's a fucking tractor out

52:58

there. So we just

53:00

stopped stealing tractor, stealing tractor, fucking flossing

53:03

floor. We

53:05

just stopped and he just jumped out and then went, he's like

53:07

I'm just gonna see if the keys are in it. He

53:11

opened it up and the fucking keys were in the tractor. Before

53:14

you could even be like, I don't think you

53:16

should just... He just fired it up and the

53:18

look on his face, he's like, he's

53:21

just sitting in the cab, he doesn't know what to do.

53:24

The bathroom's like, and then

53:27

we're like stop, get the

53:29

fuck out. He's like trying

53:31

to move around laughing so hard and then just turned

53:34

it off, got back in the car and carried on.

53:36

I had a buddy that... But that thought always... Probably

53:39

maybe more men than women. Oh yeah. You see

53:41

something, you're like, are the keys in that truck?

53:44

Okay, maybe some do, but

53:46

that's such a

53:48

man thing to do. You

53:50

just see stupid shit like videos on the internet,

53:52

it's always a group of guys. It's

53:55

never a group of

53:57

women that's like getting swung around in

53:59

a pond with a... With a backhoe? Yeah,

54:02

right. Yeah with a and

54:04

that's why our insurance rates are higher with a fire

54:06

hose attached to it Then wake boarding

54:08

around in a pond, but the thing that's swinging you

54:10

as a fucking backhoe or an excavator Mm-hmm. Yeah exactly

54:13

what I was gonna have something to that

54:15

effect There

54:18

was a guy I knew a

54:20

buddy of mine who was driving he was driving

54:22

tractor But it was like it was a combine

54:24

and it was you know driving combine and it

54:26

was late at night because you just it's cooler

54:29

and stuff and he dozed off

54:31

and His combine

54:33

just plowed into circles If anybody doesn't

54:35

know circle is it's how you water

54:37

your crops and he just took

54:40

out this whole fucking circle And

54:42

I mean dick the cost of the

54:44

combine plus that circle million I

54:46

don't know how what it ended up being but

54:49

like dude, I think people are they don't know

54:51

how expensive tractors are No, no, they're

54:53

like we I mean we grew up around them

54:56

But I think a lot of people like I don't know like

54:58

150 $200,000. You're like, mmm. No, maybe for a small one Yeah

55:03

for renting it for a day, maybe Then

55:06

you just took out everything. Oh fuck

55:08

all those sprinklers. You imagine your sprinkler.

55:10

You just like You

55:13

know doze off and then come on you

55:15

wake up and you destroyed a Million

55:18

dollars worth of just a comedy scene

55:20

though. He runs it over like what was that?

55:22

He looks behind him and the entire sprinkler system

55:24

was put into a cube Like

55:28

a bailer Back

55:32

he's a god. He's out to try to read

55:34

bend it back straight. He's like god. He ended my dad

55:36

didn't kill me Dad's gonna fucking

55:39

kill me Yeah,

55:42

yeah, I can see I can see

55:44

this this girl getting a little Little

55:46

sidetracked by seeing an unmanned horse and

55:48

buggy. You don't even need the keys And

55:51

you don't have to write the horse. No stayed with

55:53

it. It's like you're not riding the horse either You're

55:55

riding the buggy. You're right. So yeah, I mean what

55:57

babies have to tell the horsey to go. Yeah, you

56:00

give him a little,

56:02

they're like, I don't think that's, I

56:04

don't think that's Jabbadiah. You always see

56:07

that in the movies. They're always like,

56:10

you always see that in real life too. Why?

56:13

Why is it, why is it the two clicks that

56:15

gets a horsey really going? You throw your

56:18

leg over. Yep. If they try other noises first and

56:27

the horse is like not having it. He's like, no,

56:29

that's for dogs. You're like, whoop, whoop, whoop. The horse

56:31

is like, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get,

56:33

get, get, get, get. Yeah. You're like, I don't know.

56:35

Are they going to lay up? Are

56:37

they going to lay up? The horse is

56:39

like, I'm not doing it. He's like, fuck you. He

56:42

moves. You're like, oh, shit. Okay. Okay.

56:45

All right. We got something here.

56:47

You're just like, go. The horse

56:49

is like, no, nah, no, I'm

56:51

not doing this. Have

56:54

you guys ever gotten in something like

56:56

a rogue piece of equipment or

56:59

tried to take it or like see if a car had his

57:01

keys still in it or some shit like that? I've

57:04

never. I had that

57:06

happen to a family member. Sorry, say that

57:08

again Zach. I had a family member. He had an

57:10

old Volvo. It was kind of a piece of shit.

57:12

A Volvo? No, he had a Volvo. It

57:15

was very interesting. But now this guy that was kind

57:17

of a bully in our school, he was over at

57:19

a party one time and he just took it out

57:21

onto the construction. Like there's a road beam and he

57:23

took it off. You could tell he took it off

57:26

jumps and he came pulling in and every single light

57:28

was off on the, almost have a lot of lights

57:30

in the thing. Yeah. And he's like, what'd you do?

57:32

He's like, I don't know. We just need to get

57:34

talk about me. It was pretty bad. We just hit

57:37

the jumps on the way there. Am I right? High

57:39

five on each other. Like you took my

57:41

car, dude. It was pretty funny. Yeah. There

57:43

was, I've done a tractor, but I remember

57:45

my friend doing it more than I remember

57:47

me doing it. I remember a guy I

57:50

went to high school with. He, he

57:52

was a farmer. This doesn't have anything to do

57:54

with a farm, but he took his dad's farm

57:56

truck and we had sand dunes

57:59

out in Moses Lake. And it's

58:01

you do buggies and all sorts of sandrails everything

58:03

out there and he took the truck out there

58:05

and he hit a jump and plowed

58:09

Right into the fucking just nosedive right

58:11

on and just the

58:13

whole front end Destroyed and then drove

58:16

it back to his house and

58:18

then parked it and then trying

58:20

to explain sandbox But

58:22

it is one of things like the fuck had my

58:25

truck and I don't know. No, I don't know I

58:27

was like that when I got here. Yeah, the whole

58:29

front end just walk out like whoa, dude Man,

58:33

so crazy how that happened to that car No,

58:37

I was why do you know what

58:39

even think about me dude? I was so like

58:41

sand so busy not doing sand stuff today You're

58:47

like guys crazy like you cross your

58:49

arms and sand is falling out of

58:51

your You're like you're like,

58:53

oh me rubbing your beard bunch of sand

58:55

coming out lashes over your eyes You

58:58

have stitches in your forehead. So weird. Oh, that's fucking

59:00

crazy. One thing I did day was hit my head

59:03

really hard I remember on

59:05

something One thing I remember for

59:07

sure is I wasn't even near

59:09

sand Yeah,

59:12

I don't remember anything else but sand so

59:15

far I never forget a good pile of

59:17

sand so No

59:21

way, what's it mean? Sorry, bud? I'm

59:24

gonna tell you sorry, but shake your

59:26

head but just I'm gonna go

59:28

back to bed I'm gonna go back to bed. Hope I don't die Good

59:31

night. All right, we want some good news for this week.

59:33

Okay time to roll it So

59:37

you're telling me there's a chance Hooray,

59:39

we aren't doomed. Yeah What

59:42

is the good news? It's

59:45

pretty crazy science shit. I

59:47

love science A

59:49

brain-dead man was attached to a

59:51

gene edited pig liver for three

59:54

days Doctors

59:57

are exploring how to use animal organs, but keep

59:59

them out people's bodies. Fucking

1:00:02

what? Surgeon Abraham

1:00:04

shaped like thinks he had

1:00:06

probably... what? Surgeon

1:00:09

Abraham shaked, that's his

1:00:11

last name, shaked, thinks he has probably carried

1:00:13

out more than 2,500 liver transplants but in

1:00:15

December 2023 a

1:00:18

team he oversees at the University of

1:00:20

Pennsylvania did something he'd never tried before.

1:00:23

Working on the body of a brain-dead

1:00:25

man they attached his veins to a

1:00:27

refrigerator-sized machine with pig liver mounted in

1:00:29

the middle of it. For

1:00:32

three days the man's blood passed into

1:00:34

the machine through the pig liver and

1:00:36

back into his body. This

1:00:39

extra corporeal, yeah,

1:00:43

or outside the body liver whose initial test

1:00:46

was announced today by the University of Pennsylvania

1:00:48

biotech company is designed to

1:00:50

help people survive acute liver failure which can

1:00:52

be caused by infection poisoning or most common

1:00:54

too much alcohol. A damaged

1:00:57

liver can do its job removing toxins

1:00:59

from the body processing nutrients and making

1:01:01

proteins. Hooking people up to an external

1:01:03

one could buy them time. You want

1:01:05

to give the liver time to recover or

1:01:07

maintain until the transplant is available. This

1:01:10

is fucking wild. And it's

1:01:13

just on the outside, it's not even in his

1:01:15

body, it's on the outside. All these wires like

1:01:17

running around. Into a fucking kegerator. Yeah. Trying

1:01:20

to get on an airplane with your fucking liver in

1:01:22

a kegerator? Sir,

1:01:26

sir, you have to check that. I can't check

1:01:28

it! You open

1:01:30

the door? Which is the fucking liver? Sir,

1:01:34

how about you're looking at it? It's

1:01:37

in the overhead compartment. And it won't

1:01:39

shut? Every time they shut it you'll

1:01:41

be like, ow! Every

1:01:43

time they

1:01:45

shut it and it pinches off the

1:01:48

blood, hey man can you please back

1:01:50

up and flip my foot? Push

1:01:53

in the thing. Ma'am, can you please...

1:01:57

She's just going, ahh!

1:02:01

man please

1:02:03

stop my

1:02:06

liver is a refrigerator keep

1:02:08

dosing off every time they pinch the blood ow ow

1:02:17

going down the aisle because your fucking

1:02:19

kidneys your

1:02:22

liver is in a refrigerator well you know

1:02:24

when they're like the IV thing on wheels

1:02:26

that they carry around at a hospital yeah

1:02:28

but you're just like pulling a refrigerator yeah

1:02:30

drinks and stuff inside open it

1:02:33

up like I got a bottle

1:02:42

water in your door take the liver you

1:02:45

can have anybody in this liver you can

1:02:47

have everything in here but not hands up

1:02:49

a little sticky note do not eat Joe's

1:02:51

liver do not touch you not

1:02:54

touch poking it out

1:02:56

I picture like I told you not

1:03:06

to touch the liver of a long phone cable but

1:03:08

like in your house so they're refrigerator and

1:03:10

then they get landline telephone cables you can go

1:03:12

anywhere in your house you have a super long

1:03:15

thing that you can walk in your sleep in

1:03:17

the room your kids are gonna poke in your

1:03:19

liver in the fridge little Morse code yeah

1:03:27

on the liver can I

1:03:29

have pizza bagels hey

1:03:32

that's fucking wild they can do that I

1:03:35

think the guy died well yeah well

1:03:37

they're basically just like yeah doing Frankenstein shit

1:03:39

yeah on this body because there's nothing they can

1:03:41

do so what

1:03:44

a weird world when this guy's

1:03:46

like God boss

1:03:48

I have great news what we've got

1:03:50

a brain dead man yeah we can

1:03:52

see yeah we can finally

1:03:54

hook it up to the liver in the

1:03:56

refrigerator wait no weekend for this you know that

1:03:58

guy hallelujah The guy in

1:04:01

Independence Day, the scientist, when

1:04:03

they come, when they're at the bunker,

1:04:06

and then he comes running, he's like, Oh boy. Oh

1:04:08

boy. Because there's new aliens showing up. Like,

1:04:10

that's the guy. Just so

1:04:12

comfortable. He's like, dude, we got a

1:04:14

brain dead guy. Oh fuck. Fuck. Yeah,

1:04:16

shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I

1:04:18

knew it was gonna be a big

1:04:20

day. Baby,

1:04:23

gotta go in, got the brain dead.

1:04:25

Congratulations, honey. Yeah, he gets the page.

1:04:27

Yeah, I'll text you. He's like,

1:04:30

I'll text you later, let you know. Like a Samsung.

1:04:32

Yeah, a Samsung with a smart screen on the front.

1:04:34

You can push it and see what's in there. Just

1:04:39

from the outside, you don't have to open it. That's

1:04:41

a good one. All right, let's take a look at

1:04:43

something fun on the internet. Sex on me. Sex

1:04:45

on me. It's not that. We promise you won't

1:04:47

torture you again. Zach, do it. The

1:04:51

internet is pretty wild. Depending on

1:04:53

your browsing habits, you can either

1:04:55

experience something super cool or go

1:04:58

to prison. Crazy, right?

1:05:00

Let's check it out together as

1:05:03

a couple. Hey, what I found.

1:05:08

What? So, I love this was

1:05:10

pretty funny. Okay. I just played

1:05:13

that music. Shit, I

1:05:15

don't have the story on me. So, there's a guy on

1:05:17

Instagram. His

1:05:22

name is FishBandit84. So, it's Fish

1:05:25

underscore Bandit84. And

1:05:29

he created this page and he's going

1:05:31

around and he's duct taping fish to

1:05:34

the screen of ATMs. I

1:05:39

can't pull it. Can you pull up on the screen here, Zach? It

1:05:42

won't let me pull up the picture, but you can

1:05:44

see it. So, he'll shoot a video of him walking

1:05:46

up to an ATM. And

1:05:48

you can see the fish.

1:05:51

It's duct taped to the fish. Shit, you can't. What

1:05:53

the fuck? He was arrested. I forgot to

1:05:55

add the news story, but

1:05:57

there's a whole thing. He got arrested and all that kind of stuff. But

1:06:00

you can go to this page and he's just, that's

1:06:02

the whole, the whole page on his Instagram is

1:06:05

just him taping

1:06:07

random fish to ATMs.

1:06:10

Like you walk up to take some money out and

1:06:13

there's a rainbow trout duct

1:06:15

tape to the screen. I like the

1:06:17

creativity. Yeah. I mean, there's

1:06:19

nothing like what? Imagine the court hearing of

1:06:21

all the things. Like

1:06:25

how does anyone seriously say, all right,

1:06:27

we're, it's the people versus fish banded

1:06:29

84. Fish banded 84. So

1:06:33

understand, we understand that you're pleading

1:06:35

not guilty to a duct

1:06:37

taping fish to ATMs. He's like, no,

1:06:40

that's crazy. Who

1:06:42

would do that? That's fucking crazy. Okay.

1:06:46

I just pull up the story. Okay. A

1:06:49

17 year old execute, old 17

1:06:51

year old ex, Jesus Christ. 17

1:06:54

year old was executed. Yeah.

1:06:57

Well, because he was, excuse

1:06:59

these bizarre pranks more than a dozen times

1:07:01

from last August through December. They

1:07:04

weren't always in pro because it was in

1:07:06

the Utah area. He did some of the

1:07:08

things, these strange antics internationally too posting videos

1:07:10

of them on his Instagram account, where his

1:07:13

bio states live, laugh, tape fish on ATMs.

1:07:16

Oh man. What a

1:07:18

guy. If you just Google fish banded, Oh,

1:07:20

that's a nice cat. ATM and you can,

1:07:23

yeah, there's a catfish. Look

1:07:26

into the side of the police car duct tape. Look like

1:07:28

a big old, like a nice trout to the side of

1:07:30

a, he used a variety of

1:07:32

fish. This is trout, bluegill, bass, catfish,

1:07:35

carp, crappie. And then fit in one fish

1:07:37

had a cigarette in his mouth. This

1:07:40

guy, I mean, you get

1:07:43

an idea. Gotta get it

1:07:45

out there. You gotta express your

1:07:47

creativity. You're also be laying awake. I think people

1:07:49

were there. Something fishy was going on 20

1:07:52

years, 20

1:07:55

years from now you're laying down being like, should have duct tape

1:07:57

that carp to that ATM. Like that's what

1:07:59

you're known for. Yeah, you

1:08:01

go to get your friends. I wish I

1:08:03

would have taped that crappie to yeah on

1:08:05

your deathbed You're like is

1:08:08

there anything anything like you can share with me blah blah

1:08:10

right and you like And

1:08:12

you lean in like should have put duct

1:08:14

tape on that bass and put it on the cop

1:08:17

car and then Like

1:08:19

what the fuck grandpa? Fuck

1:08:21

did you just say? Looks

1:08:24

like a legacy pass on hmm whole family

1:08:26

of fucking fish tapers fish tapers. Maybe that's

1:08:28

his last name is Ellie caught him a

1:08:30

caper That's a thing right?

1:08:32

You're a caper Yeah, what's

1:08:35

what does a caper mean though? Isn't it like

1:08:37

you're something you're like a fish caper. What would

1:08:39

you be probably fish in the cage? She

1:08:43

did a little keeper an activity

1:08:45

or escapade typically one that

1:08:47

is illicit or ridiculous Yeah, so he's like

1:08:50

a fish fish caper caper caper caper caper

1:08:52

caper caper Maybe miss an

1:08:54

opportunity right there classic. Yeah, right there

1:08:56

the fucking caper caper I feel

1:08:58

like there's probably a fish called a caper

1:09:00

too hmm. Yeah, or a guppy It

1:09:05

would've been funnier if you had like all

1:09:07

these giant fish and then one of them was

1:09:09

like a neon or a goldfish with scotch tape

1:09:13

Put on the ATM slot just shrink it

1:09:15

down a little bit Well, that's

1:09:17

wild. Yeah, that's but you see you can go

1:09:19

fish bandit You can go check it out for

1:09:21

yourself if you're interested in seeing that one of

1:09:23

the many beautiful things of the Internet

1:09:25

It's just a funny little thing funny guy that

1:09:27

somebody's doing and I wonder how much trouble he's

1:09:30

gonna get him I guess we'll find out well

1:09:32

Especially if like PETA gets involved or

1:09:35

something. Yeah. Yeah, like well They were

1:09:37

fucking art. They're dead before I taped them I

1:09:39

mean, I feel like this $5,000 bond

1:09:41

a little weird. They're already dead

1:09:43

I wonder if PETA keeps files on things cuz

1:09:45

then you it would be a PETA file Nice,

1:09:49

let's tell they say it in Peter

1:09:52

file Peter file Peter file. All right time

1:09:54

to hear from the kids zaccy poo All

1:10:01

right, let's hear what you guys think really

1:10:03

you want to talk to me wow that's

1:10:05

cool I'll read

1:10:07

this one because it so it pertains

1:10:10

to a story that I told about

1:10:12

the Mailman scene my

1:10:14

dong. Oh, yeah, I still jerk off about that.

1:10:16

Yeah, dude. All right hit it All right, this

1:10:19

is coming from our son. Mr. Brown Hi

1:10:23

This isn't exactly submission to any part of the

1:10:25

show, but Brian is coming from UPS delivery driver

1:10:28

I can guarantee that the mailman the

1:10:30

senior ding dong isn't for isn't his

1:10:32

first or last time seen something like

1:10:34

that I can safely say

1:10:36

that mailman mailman UPS and

1:10:39

FedEx drivers All

1:10:41

see people in the kind of blackmail worthy situations

1:10:44

We see people in their worst of days and

1:10:46

the best never thought about the your mailman blackmailing

1:10:49

you hmm Like the

1:10:51

next day. It's just a picture of you and your

1:10:53

window with your dick Looks like hundred bucks from fucking

1:10:55

email hundred bucks and you leave it in an envelope

1:10:57

Yeah, I'll be here tomorrow to pick up the hundred

1:10:59

bucks. It's a picture of your dick through a window

1:11:01

You're like weird dude. This has to

1:11:03

be a thing, but you just made me think

1:11:05

about like some sort of Drug

1:11:08

running or something where it's the mailman

1:11:11

Like he leaves a gram of

1:11:14

whatever in an envelope and you dude do you

1:11:16

would get away with that? I bet you that

1:11:18

already happens. It has to happen here. They're not

1:11:20

getting paid that well. All right,

1:11:22

fuck, okay um Yeah

1:11:26

in an opposite Okay in

1:11:28

the least amount of clothes in opposite

1:11:30

sex clothes no clothes not even to

1:11:32

mention in all kinds of extracurricular Activities,

1:11:35

but he means fucking yeah Jerking

1:11:37

off all from what they think is

1:11:39

the privacy of their own home slash yard

1:11:42

But they forgot they ordered a new pair

1:11:44

of socks from Amazon now here

1:11:46

I am bringing you the package while you're

1:11:48

in the middle of sunbathing or skinny dipping

1:11:51

doing drugs Teenagers trying to

1:11:53

get lucky naked TV watching all

1:11:55

kinds of things. Yeah, I

1:11:58

can give you three of my favorite stories this one It's

1:12:01

one house that I've been delivering to for several

1:12:03

years. I was very familiar with the owners a

1:12:05

sweet elderly couple who were very quiet Well

1:12:08

one day I walked up to the door and

1:12:10

I could hear just some extremely rough sex sounds

1:12:12

coming from their home stereo system I

1:12:14

guess it gets just reliving the good old

1:12:17

days Another time in the middle

1:12:19

of the summer on a hot day.

1:12:21

I was walking up to the apartment I know the

1:12:23

front notice the front door was open to

1:12:25

the unit. I was walking to but it

1:12:29

But had a screen door when I got there I

1:12:31

reached up to knock that could Couldn't

1:12:33

help but see a guy that had his

1:12:35

wife bent over the end of the couch Just

1:12:37

shoving her face down in the cushions going

1:12:40

to town on that back door Sweet

1:12:42

you seen me, too But

1:12:45

just gave me the thumbs up Then

1:12:47

pointed down to the ground like he was signaling

1:12:49

me to drop it and go he never broke

1:12:52

his stride And he and she never saw knew

1:12:54

I was Oh It

1:12:57

just gives it like a guy like hey, yeah, just go

1:12:59

and leave it but leave it by the door I'm gonna

1:13:01

leave it. I'll get it after I come. Yeah, just didn't

1:13:04

didn't break strikes Mm-hmm and another

1:13:06

one in the back of my truck a

1:13:09

big box around 60 pounds had busted open

1:13:11

spilling out multiple four

1:13:13

foot long double-ended dildos some

1:13:16

suction cups Such a cup

1:13:18

one that was no joke as big

1:13:20

as six inches in diameter and one

1:13:22

foot long. That is huge. Fuck Yeah,

1:13:24

it's like George or Joe's cact. It's

1:13:27

like the gooseneck. Mmm fucking goose Some

1:13:31

alien design ones and a horse cock

1:13:33

shaped one along with leather masks and

1:13:35

instructional book on how to peg a

1:13:37

man and be a dominatrix When

1:13:40

I got to the old beat up nasty single wide

1:13:43

trailer back in the woods. I taped up the box

1:13:46

on a way that I What yeah

1:13:49

when I got to the old beat up nasty

1:13:51

single wide trailer back in the woods I

1:13:53

taped up the box on the way that

1:13:55

I know that they know that I know.

1:13:58

Okay, got it. Oh wait That

1:14:00

they know that I know what they're up to

1:14:02

instead of prayer for the fella and beat feedback

1:14:04

to my truck and continue It on my workday.

1:14:07

You can use this just left between you and Joe

1:14:09

or take talking point in the show. Whatever mr Brown

1:14:11

out, please start a PS. Please stop

1:14:13

buying from Tina. I don't know

1:14:15

what he movies. It's like a cheaper Amazon

1:14:17

like wish Okay,

1:14:20

fuck I wish was so much fun for

1:14:22

a little bit. I like how he said

1:14:24

I beat feedback to my truck I have

1:14:26

not heard that phrase beat feet I

1:14:29

haven't heard that phrase in years. Sounds like

1:14:31

that guy's gonna get fucking beat feet. Yeah Our

1:14:38

second email sent in by our friggin hooligan

1:14:40

of his son Kyle Is

1:14:43

it the Kyle? Yes Fucking

1:14:46

Kyle this gets in guy gets into some

1:14:48

shit man. We would have been good friends

1:14:51

back in the day What's up square bears?

1:14:53

It's your mini golf hole drywall dust

1:14:55

sleeping cows son again I

1:14:58

think it's time for their drug tale of mine. So here it

1:15:00

is and I thought post the people asking

1:15:02

for for more from More

1:15:04

Kyle more Kyle more Kyle It's

1:15:06

the summer of 2013 and I'm

1:15:08

living in Fernley, Nevada It's not

1:15:10

a very big town never heard of it. Maybe 10,000 people or

1:15:12

so I'm about 16 years

1:15:14

old and I'm a troublemaker Kyle we know

1:15:17

I ended up going to court for some theft

1:15:20

charges and they put me On probation that's a

1:15:22

story for another time But the judge or someone

1:15:24

fucked up the paperwork and instead of having my

1:15:26

probation start right then and there They wrote it

1:15:28

down to start a week from the day. So

1:15:30

basically I had a week to party before all

1:15:32

the fun stuff So

1:15:35

it's Monday night during the summer. No school.

1:15:37

We got invited to a party at my older homies

1:15:39

house I was one it was one

1:15:41

of those parties where everyone except for me was over 18

1:15:43

So, of course, I do my best to keep up with

1:15:45

everyone drinking and doing coke and whatnot because I don't want

1:15:47

to look like a pussy In front

1:15:49

of all these older people Everything

1:15:51

went smooth at the party didn't puke

1:15:54

kept my composure and all that after

1:15:56

a few hours some nasty gin vodka

1:15:58

and cocaine She's a moment came Where

1:16:00

I knew I should go home so I

1:16:02

told everyone I had court in two days And I had

1:16:04

to go home before I got in trouble with my mom

1:16:06

or whatever I'm

1:16:09

about two miles from my house, so it's like a

1:16:11

40-minute walk. Hold on real quick Yeah, I love how

1:16:13

he's like I want to make sure that I'm cool

1:16:15

with these 18 year olds. Yeah, like I'm I'm

1:16:18

holding my own and I look like cool guy. Hey

1:16:20

guys I

1:16:25

don't really care what she thinks but some

1:16:28

people do Baby, I'm gonna walk home

1:16:31

40-minute walk not bad, right? Well, I've done

1:16:33

that. Mm-hmm. I went the wrong fucking direction

1:16:35

in my drunken stupor I walked all the

1:16:38

way to the high school, which

1:16:40

is at the completely different end of town It's like 2

1:16:42

a.m. You know how far into a walk you have to

1:16:44

get To a fucking

1:16:46

high school. It'd be like I would the wrong way Like

1:16:50

you can look at I'm at school. You're walking

1:16:52

you know, you're passing shit That's the wrong way.

1:16:54

But until you saw the high school, you're like,

1:16:56

oh fuck. Yeah, I sure as shit going the

1:16:58

wrong way I thought it was

1:17:00

your children right now right now. I saw the high school.

1:17:03

I'm like, whoa was weird It's

1:17:05

like 2 a.m. They have no one to come pick

1:17:07

me up. There's no way to tell or no

1:17:10

way in hell I'm having my mom come get me. I'm

1:17:12

not supposed to be partying since I just got in trouble

1:17:14

So I started walking in the right direction to my

1:17:17

house. It's about eight miles now instead of

1:17:19

two I made it

1:17:21

about three-quarters of the way There and

1:17:23

that's when I saw a nice lawn and decided

1:17:25

to take a little break from my hike Well,

1:17:27

my dumbass ended up passing out on this guy's

1:17:29

lawn Cuddling up next to a

1:17:31

fire hydrant that was in the corner of his yard

1:17:35

You know how in movies when someone starts to

1:17:37

wake up and it's all blurry and fuzzy and

1:17:39

your senses are just starting to turn On picture

1:17:41

that but with two pair of Matt paramedics in

1:17:43

my face asking all kinds of questions They'd

1:17:46

be like what year is it? 1997? What's

1:17:48

your name? I don't know How much did you

1:17:50

drink? What? Where do you live? I

1:17:52

don't know who's president Obama? They

1:17:55

both started laughing at me and said well at least you got

1:17:58

one of those right they said they can Got

1:18:00

a call They said they got a

1:18:02

call because someone went to check their mail and saw

1:18:04

me laying in this dude's yard and thought it was

1:18:06

a Dead body the cops ended up coming

1:18:08

because I was underage They

1:18:11

called my probation officer and my mom and my

1:18:13

god where they pissed off later on I had

1:18:15

to go into my PO's office and he angrily

1:18:18

explained to me that I was originally going to

1:18:20

be on probation for a max Of six months

1:18:22

that only have to check in once a month

1:18:24

and no drug tests But because of my dumbass

1:18:26

choices I ended up on probation for about

1:18:29

a year and a half Checking in

1:18:31

at least once a week and weekly drug

1:18:33

tests So the moral of the story

1:18:35

is once you've gotten yourself in a hole Don't

1:18:37

keep digging no matter how shiny the shovel is.

1:18:40

Love you guys. Let's make 2024 the year of the Fucking

1:18:45

Kyle God damn buddy.

1:18:48

Keep them coming. Keep them coming.

1:18:50

I get I get to live

1:18:52

vicariously through him. Yeah, just Replace

1:18:55

Kyle with Joe what I want to know what

1:18:57

is Go

1:19:00

see go backs Cops

1:19:02

ended up coming because I was underage.

1:19:05

Yeah, I thought that was weird. Like did the cops

1:19:07

get in trouble or anything? For

1:19:10

jerking off on him because but he was

1:19:12

underage. Oh, yeah Thank you

1:19:14

show up and they're just like jerking each other off.

1:19:16

You show up fuck rock hard. You guys got another

1:19:18

dead body for us No,

1:19:21

this one's alive well shit fuck under

1:19:23

age. Yeah. All right Is

1:19:27

he dead? No, what was the underage? Yeah,

1:19:29

okay Gonna

1:19:32

get body for us Nick. No, and it's dick

1:19:34

just like immediately starts going down. Just fuck. Well,

1:19:37

we said our age Yeah, we get back up

1:19:39

back up. Yes. All right partner Got

1:19:41

another one. Our paramedics are good to go. We'll

1:19:43

take it from here. We got it. We got

1:19:46

from here Thanks Kyle, you're

1:19:48

fucking hooligan. Yep 87

1:19:53

felt good did be a part of the gaggle get

1:19:55

the bonus content We will keep going on the back

1:19:57

end of today's show as we always

1:19:59

do patreon.com/can you don't podcast

1:20:01

we've got our socials we've got youtube

1:20:03

for the video version and

1:20:06

if you have crazy ass stories we want

1:20:08

to see them you want to read them hey

1:20:10

guys at can you don't podcast.com that is

1:20:12

where you send them and if you would be

1:20:14

so kind and take a second fucking right

1:20:16

now whatever platform you're listening on if they allow

1:20:18

for reviews and to rate the show please

1:20:21

go do it it helps us out a

1:20:23

ton. Skatcast all the

1:20:25

things uncle zack is up to can

1:20:28

be found at skatcast.com that is skat

1:20:30

with a k and a shout out we have a

1:20:32

lot of fun inside of the can you don't playground

1:20:34

on facebook a ton of people in there and a

1:20:36

lot of shit from the show and a lot of

1:20:38

just random stuff but a big thanks to the babysitters

1:20:41

that make sure uh we don't

1:20:43

get it all shut down you help us out

1:20:45

of the sun because there's like fucking 500 posts

1:20:47

a day it seems like in there so

1:20:49

thank you guys so much you guys are naughty

1:20:51

because they're not real naughty

1:20:53

kids especially kind all

1:20:56

right and the show ready yeah do it all

1:20:58

right zack do it okay good

1:21:01

god wrap it up already uh

1:21:04

all right since it's valentine's

1:21:06

day yeah we're gonna do like a little

1:21:08

valentine's themed one oh yes all

1:21:11

right how did the squirrel get

1:21:13

his valentine's attention how

1:21:15

did the squirrel how he acted like a nut oh

1:21:19

my god sometimes i feel like

1:21:22

a nut sometimes you don't sometimes i don't

1:21:24

enjoy is

1:21:27

that almond joy yeah that's right i've like we've had

1:21:29

this conversation before we had to look it up sometimes

1:21:32

i see you like a nut sometimes you

1:21:34

know almond joy wait did we is it almond

1:21:36

joy i think so it's kind

1:21:38

of b what the fuck i was gonna be we'll talk about it

1:21:40

in the bonus ship all right well

1:21:42

this is our last recording before you're taking off

1:21:44

to mexico and i'm taking off to huai it

1:21:46

is so hopefully we'll be more tan or something

1:21:49

august be burned some of you

1:21:51

so good at surfing sometimes you don't i

1:21:54

don't remember being so fucking me

1:21:56

either fresh jazzy fresh Sometimes

1:22:04

you feel bad sometimes

1:22:07

you're buying Remember

1:22:12

that noise? You

1:22:19

should do it with pencils sit in class. OK

1:22:23

alright that's it bodyshoot

1:22:26

commence...