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trial at britbox.com. Tennis

1:05

balls. Cowboy. Childbirth.

1:08

Garden hose. I.

1:15

Am happy to

1:18

be here. I

1:32

am so thankful for

1:34

your friendship. I am

1:36

so thankful for our listeners and just, I

1:38

mean, I. Don't

1:41

know what the fuck happened to your. What

1:45

is that? Get in there, Zach. I wish we could,

1:47

wish we could zoom in. Hello. What

1:49

the fuck is happening? I

1:51

see you got a fight. I think it's a sty. Think

1:54

it's a sty. You know, you could tell

1:56

you. A doctor? Yeah. Yeah.

2:00

There's a lot of shit going on looks like you're just

2:02

kind of winking at me But also

2:04

kind of got stung by a bee it I

2:07

would say it looks more like stung by the bees But

2:10

you know what it didn't stop me from

2:12

doing what solving this mini room Oh

2:15

look at you know did it right as we

2:17

finished it right as we were oh my goodness

2:20

A lot of people had a lot of things to

2:22

say about our Reebok Rubik's Cube talk Yeah, we are

2:24

going through so Cassie and I were cleaning up some

2:26

shit and found a couple tiny Rubik's

2:29

Cube figure that bring that in for you brought it

2:31

in and I thought while we were getting ready to

2:33

record I called it for you and

2:35

even take the stickers off. No, I'm so proud of

2:37

you looking Cheers We both

2:39

went to a Seattle Mariners game had some

2:41

fun. Yeah, they thought they won What did

2:43

they lost now they lost they lost their

2:46

season opener. It was fun, man. It was

2:48

good It was the kids very first professional

2:50

sporting event. Whoa, so that was wild for

2:52

them to see You

2:54

know just haven't haven't gotten over there for one of

2:56

those so Wow We

2:59

yeah, we went and super nervous It's

3:01

just a lot a lot going on. Oh, yeah a lot of

3:03

people see once you settled in here to get a fucking

3:06

blast So we had my kids and my

3:08

niece and all three of them got a

3:10

ball Yep, we got

3:12

no ball cuz that's what happens when you roll

3:14

with me now We roll every time we go

3:16

we get a ball uncle Bry. Yeah, take my

3:19

kids cuz I'm I have no idea I'm just

3:21

like oh Dad doesn't know how to do it.

3:23

No he's doing good luck. Just make the bullpen

3:25

catcher feel bad That's right That's

3:28

a all-star game I my Spanish came

3:30

in handy hmm cuz there was a Spanish

3:32

speaking lad Who was

3:34

a bullpen catcher and I asked him for a

3:37

ball in Spanish and he immediately turned around what

3:39

and threw me a ball Okay, that's pretty sweet.

3:41

Perfect. All right, so our patreon content. We keep

3:43

talking at the end of every single Very

3:46

careful, I bet and you

3:48

can sign up and support us on patreon.

3:50

It's awesome patreon.com/can you don't podcast? Exclusive

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merch new merch check that out at candy don't

3:55

podcast comm We have an

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update. Remember we talked about the The Chest

3:59

place. If I got in trouble, accusation,

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overnight rate and fighting butterfly. Oh knives.

4:04

I mean this is just a marketing

4:06

play. We read this before when it

4:08

comes to things like this. before assists.

4:10

We've read this before bringing up the

4:12

same article. I know we read this

4:14

last three. Bumps and bruises. Do it

4:17

again. Know like Corn Harvest try to

4:19

sponsored soccer teams. Mix. Of I

4:21

realize now that would come on come

4:23

on don't want how best to try

4:25

to build a ruins watching porn? come

4:27

on. like Nfl stadiums were born. have

4:29

like the point of arena with some

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magical browsers. Somebody.

4:34

Hims his voice of stuff tonight means

4:36

it's Foods is A Impacts is at

4:38

halftime we give away free cream pies.

4:41

There you'll need interest is a back

4:43

Sixty America half court shot when a

4:45

fucking free toaster strudel. Size.

4:49

Image as Dildo Burnout, Mathias Iso

4:51

St. Louis just stand on Spires

4:53

offer of three anal vibrators to

4:55

level the playing field. So there's

4:58

a big old says tournaments and

5:00

this local shop like a sex

5:02

shop. Was. As I know it's in here

5:04

somewhere. What is the? Name. Of it

5:06

on here. So the company is we

5:08

buy when they're offering free anal stimulation

5:10

toys. To all players and next month

5:13

World Chess Championship and drawn up. Moon.

5:16

Sell their to start their like listen. If

5:18

he loses mister, I mean it's the

5:20

same thing we talked about with baseball

5:23

on steroids. Just because you

5:25

took steroids. Doesn't make you go to

5:27

baseball. right? Yoga to be good, you

5:29

still have to be really good and and steroids

5:31

go up in a little bill. So in this

5:33

case, just as you have a vibrating butt plug in

5:35

your as. Easy going to make a good at

5:37

chess right? right? But it might have you will vanish. yeah

5:40

i saw that those is the funny

5:42

funny thing like listeners who is he

5:45

wanted to london would you feel free

5:47

to come on down get them on

5:49

in tokyo don't want to come on

5:52

down will come on and i think

5:54

everything should be ah everything in the

5:56

world should how's he should allow steroids

5:59

but plugs It would make the game

6:01

more exciting make everything more exciting. I

6:03

never thought about those two things together Stairway's

6:06

and butt plug You

6:08

know where I want it brother Yeah,

6:11

oh man, oh see okay, you know how

6:13

there's a whole Astros Scandal

6:16

about the the trash cans and all the

6:18

stealing signs and shit What if

6:20

that's the thing like you have a butt

6:22

plug you're up to bat? Mm-hmm, and you're

6:24

the yeah you have okay curveballs coming We

6:26

were joking about this a couple weeks ago

6:28

all the different patterns on the vibrating

6:30

dildos and toys Okay

6:38

Who's Michael? Yeah,

6:41

no you like that's not the one you click Like

6:46

power mines with my old phone Mmm

6:54

Can you do that deal those where you can make your

6:56

own patterns Enter your own your own

6:58

like your phone. Yeah, you can enter your own vibe.

7:00

Yeah, I'm sure you could you're like Ah,

7:02

it's got too many of them. I like it

7:06

The bow like you're trying to start a like

7:08

a motorcycle. You haven't started in a couple years.

7:10

Yeah Hey It

7:15

stops and he just goes fuck like

7:17

a Daddy

7:28

issues there. Yeah, you get it. Fuck it. I'm

7:30

all for it. All right. Well, we'll put that

7:33

in the work Start working on that. I will

7:35

get right on it put in the merch store

7:37

You want to start this show sure you

7:39

and your eye no, I would love to

7:48

It looks I feel like like it's

7:50

so swollen I can see my cheek

7:52

and If

7:54

I close my good eye, it's just blurry. What's

7:56

my was your brown eye? It's

7:59

clenched up, baby. Yeah you get of

8:01

an eyepatch we have You walked in i

8:03

was a guy was offended new house and

8:05

let you in a like we don't always

8:07

over know how to one the i don't

8:09

want that in this room. don't want to

8:11

breathe in whatever you got going on. This

8:13

is a terrible Halloween costume. Size

8:16

so this is a it's already is

8:18

a lot going on to have to

8:20

break the sink. After September one of

8:22

our children stone by the name Bonnie

8:25

Hopper remember naming one of our kids

8:27

money hoppers. Friends know we do. I

8:29

remember last week. And yeah so if

8:31

we if we had any part naming you

8:33

and your real name is Bonnie Harvard. Months

8:37

Would you rather be at Andres?

8:39

illegal immigrants driving an ice cream

8:41

trucks and hit a guy juggling

8:43

tennis balls while riding a unicycle

8:45

sees Crisis Cigarette and or be

8:48

the guy that struggling tennis balls

8:50

while riding your circle or receiver

8:52

circles unicycle and be hit by

8:54

an underage illegal immigrant Regular screams

8:56

rock. At

9:00

the last. Okay, So as.

9:02

The. Moment. Driving the car, you're not going

9:04

to die. That's cool. right?

9:07

So you're driving the ice cream truck or

9:09

you know you're going to be alive. What

9:11

you're doing a good and through movie. have

9:13

a maybe you'd him for your ceylon and

9:15

and and youths he hit him plaza room

9:17

and then go oh my god you turn

9:19

into a tree cf oh my god. We're

9:23

in a phone call on a monthly. Forever

9:26

enough resources. Maybe it's my

9:28

eye doctor with medication? hello?

9:34

Ah Celsius.

9:42

Is this a whole new? this? Has

9:48

to be. You hold music services. Fourteen

9:54

Mar was I doing? Nobody's So

9:56

here's some snow. You

10:00

might be a success. Up then I started

10:02

a business suit. Alleges tip assists the new

10:05

recording we set of them you need for

10:07

combat what I was really good timing on

10:09

the the hang up and we're. As

10:11

because I was actually says it more all

10:13

he was real Yeah. does that make sense?

10:16

That makes sense of cool cool That sounds

10:18

like it could be. It's kind of teeny

10:20

like hold Music is A. I was talking

10:22

to one of our listeners as it might

10:24

have been on our patron of my been

10:26

on facebook. But. I. A

10:29

We're having a good laugh and she

10:31

said she's she's done it before. But

10:33

is there anything more frustrating when like

10:35

a company calls you, write you a

10:37

hello. The God's eyes has been on.

10:39

Is Brian Yes. Is Brian Okay. one

10:41

second of did you connectivity have to

10:44

talk to you that they put you

10:46

on hold For me. The forecast imagine

10:48

says of Morrow that you're alone. It's

10:50

It's like you like. This is Joe.

10:52

Yep, W W doesn't mean I'm I'm

10:54

not worth celebrating the second as. A

10:58

low is that sounds playing. it's like

11:00

oh you're of cause very important was

11:02

your business. Especially warned us someone will

11:04

be with you Surely some some some

11:06

me was set up a one eight

11:08

hundred number just for that just because

11:10

of our. Our

11:12

sex on me Is that enough?

11:14

Letters. Sex

11:17

on me says yeah we have to

11:19

get him in the studio I know

11:21

I've tried to reach out, doesn't have

11:23

any contact info is numbers are fucking

11:25

out there now may know he just

11:27

he's the flying or to go kids

11:30

good job Kids love you I'm. Such

11:33

a funny hold music idea. Have

11:35

you visited our Fb Do

11:38

page said W W W.sex

11:40

on.com. Every

11:42

dogs are going all over

11:44

me.gov asks you you expected

11:46

wait time is seven minutes.

11:48

Assess Assess. Seven.

11:53

Assists treated as it exists.

11:57

it's a suit or

12:00

people just say, that would

12:02

rival old lady that would

12:04

rival. It'd

12:08

be a tough one. We should do a remix of those

12:10

two. I love it. Okay. So we got the, yeah, you're

12:12

either driving this ice cream truck or you're getting hit by

12:14

this ice cream truck. I mean, one's

12:16

embarrassing. Like you have to, like

12:18

you, at the end of the day, you're

12:20

a guy juggling tennis balls, riding a unicycle.

12:22

Like you, you take away

12:25

getting hit by an illegal immigrant and ice

12:27

cream truck. You're already a disappointment.

12:32

Really? What if you got a sponsorship or something? Wilson

12:39

tennis balls. Yeah. Fucking

12:41

toys. Yeah. Well, what's

12:44

a brand that makes unicycle? Is there multiple

12:46

unicycle makers? I feel like there's gotta be

12:48

a monopoly. One company

12:51

making all of unicycle. I guess it's

12:53

a rival unicycle gang. I

12:55

start trying to talk shit, but you have to keep bouncing back

12:58

and forth. Oh yeah.

13:00

Imagine, imagine like a rat battle two

13:02

guys on unicycles. In

13:05

an alley, just fucking wheeling up.

13:08

And then they're standing there like, Hey, you said

13:10

about my sister. I

13:19

don't think that's funny. And there's fucking, and

13:23

then there's a guy in the back, guy in the back wheels

13:25

up a little bit. Yeah, I don't think it's very funny. And

13:27

then he wheels back to keep balancing. What's

13:34

that? A huffy and they're

13:37

laughing in the whole group, swabbling,

13:39

keeping their balance. Yeah. Just like,

13:41

it's, it's the like the Michael

13:43

Jackson video, the beat or bad, whether

13:45

all, or all though he's got the crew

13:47

behind him. Just like that. Every like one

13:50

dude staring to do, staring each other in a

13:52

group of guys behind him. In

13:56

rhythm. You See like when people have to turn on

13:59

a unicycle. Like. Ah,

14:02

I see. I'll meet you back here

14:04

tomorrow. Same time in. Oh yes, looking

14:06

forward to it. They're circling around. it's

14:08

other important doing like both. It's

14:11

the swing your sentiment in the real

14:13

terms of users. when it was a

14:15

metal, it's it's it's all intents and

14:17

their the our Yard passes over the

14:19

system is a full of going around

14:21

his circle for it to guys in

14:24

the middle one of would die switchblade

14:26

one guy in the back for his

14:28

do is a rookie monsieur the unicycle

14:30

game. rookie term is when he's new

14:32

and is busy. I'm been patched in.

14:34

Yeah yeah. Is Pedals Greek a little

14:36

bit like tried to talk Sit in

14:38

the back of the. It's.

14:44

Damn at least six the leaders

14:46

like slots. Yes, Subsistence

14:48

of Deputy for yeah, I meant to put it on

14:51

their my. Solution to

14:53

grab my grandma set with speak to be

14:55

some deputy forty I couldn't find. Anything

15:00

anything at this so goofy like

15:02

that. trying to be bad as

15:04

money and so is a good

15:06

time. But but you have, you

15:08

run the risk of dying. Didn't

15:10

hit by a fucking ice cream truck. Now

15:13

the would you rather did not set up

15:15

how fast the ice cream truck was going?

15:18

But. I'm assuming the ice concerts notion of

15:20

free were no its prime in a park.

15:22

Resident like don't Heart is a bad spot

15:24

for an ice cream trucks gear parking lot

15:26

would be great while like so we have

15:28

a park bar house in his through Thurs

15:30

and I can corrupt truck that drives around

15:32

the park cel. Are just the

15:34

how funny their beards is. Like trying to

15:37

play some football. In just

15:39

for hims Btc new duty

15:41

slew of beauty. Is

15:46

in baseball diamond. Sandwich

15:53

with food. for

15:56

do for faded And

16:05

then yeah, so then you get hit and you run

16:07

out and check on the per it's still going The

16:12

fucking music what what are some other songs ice cream

16:14

trucks play there's some other ones in there Who

16:17

knows doesn't matter when it's still marching

16:19

in today Better

16:24

than a fucking ice cream Please

16:27

buy a sandwich by sandwich that makes

16:29

sense with the unis the unicycle. Mm-hmm

16:31

the circus unicycle Yeah,

16:34

so let's let's just go residential speed you're getting

16:36

hit 25 miles an hour and

16:39

then Depending on how things

16:41

go the entertainers playing in the

16:43

background as you lay next to a bunch

16:45

of tennis balls in your unicycle And

16:49

a guy comes out and he's like bueno

16:52

like Yeah,

16:54

yeah, yo bueno or how do you say

16:57

you it's tough being it's tough

16:59

being it's us being here And

17:01

he's like he's like whatever I key

17:03

me hands you an ice cream sandwich and you're like, what

17:05

the fuck? I'm gonna put that on your ankle No,

17:12

it's like ookaracha. Okay, cuz he's

17:14

a little Mexican kid I Don't

17:23

know I'm but if you you're gonna

17:25

get in so much trouble Well, yeah So

17:27

if you're if you're the illegal immigrant you

17:30

are getting deported or running like

17:32

you're gonna have to make it to the border in an

17:34

ice cream truck That

17:40

would be you're a border guard and you're standing there

17:43

and you get like you're like looking down a freeway

17:47

Your binoculars out and you're just looking and

17:50

very faintly You

17:58

go the faster the song goes Yeah

18:12

Depends on which border you're trying to get to The

18:15

Canada the Canadian border is a couple hours above us

18:17

But if you're trying to get back down in the

18:19

Mexico border, right like that's where

18:21

as far as it gets Mm-hmm.

18:23

So gas money dude imagine dude

18:26

imagine Simpson the

18:28

scene of OJ Simpson in the Bronco with all the cop

18:31

cars and now picture that same scene

18:33

with a helicopter

18:35

falling is just here at the

18:37

back I

18:43

think I Mean just

18:45

because even if I die And

18:49

I get I don't you're not gonna get any money. I mean

18:51

how much money you getting out of this situation So

18:53

me personally if I die juggling

18:56

tennis balls riding a unicycle What

18:59

are the chances that my family will get any

19:01

money? I guess August be dead cuz 25 I

19:03

mean that's some some speed and you're on

19:06

a fucking unicycle and you're

19:08

not look I mean how good am I juggling? Yeah,

19:11

I thought there's a decent chance you'd live If

19:14

they hit you and you fly off But

19:17

if he keeps going and you they know you're

19:19

getting run over and stuff, that's a whole nother

19:21

Whole nother thing Zach. Do you have any thoughts

19:23

on this? Yeah, I'd rather drive the ice

19:25

cream truck And just take the trouble

19:27

like you'll guess I mean get caught go to

19:29

jail for whatever big They just let you out

19:31

immediately. They're like we were waiting for someone to

19:33

hit that fucking guy. Yeah Dude

19:36

I've been trying finding I mean I've been

19:38

digging deep to find any dirt

19:41

on this tennis ball juggling motherfucker We got kicked

19:43

out of clown college for a reason. He's

19:45

not he's got to give it up My kids

19:48

into unicycles cuz this fucking asshole, maybe you're

19:50

a government plant So like you're

19:52

they they're like, yeah, well we can just blame

19:54

it on him being an illegal immigrant and they

19:56

give you some cash Get

19:58

send you back home Put you in jail.

20:01

No, you don't get to go to jail because they

20:03

were trying to take out this juggler unicycle

20:05

juggler guy When they're atrocity. Yeah, they're

20:07

like we can't get rid of this

20:09

guy. So menace the society Riding

20:14

around keeping everybody up. Hey

20:19

Check out this new juggling trick tennis ball

20:21

noises fuck drop one

20:24

yellow movies when someone would be like There's

20:27

like a triumphant thing where they're walking down the

20:29

street and then some guy looks at the window

20:31

He's like, oh cool guys. Juglin. He comes out

20:33

starts juggling and then there's a crowd

20:35

of people behind you all Yeah,

20:38

so that's what this guy does It's

20:41

like Forrest Gump. Just like a Group

20:43

of full of some kids on bikes and

20:46

kids on skateboard. Yeah Mm-hmm.

20:48

You're the reason I do the cycle and juggling

20:52

Want to play a game want to play a game want to

20:54

learn how to juggle? Buy my book

20:57

There are 50,000 needles 50,000

20:59

needles. Can you have that tennis ball? I

21:02

always drop one when I do this. It's so

21:04

hard to talk enjoy It

21:07

doesn't like that it's so hard to talk and juggle you

21:10

have no idea how long it took

21:12

to master this just this watch Does

21:16

the one trick your to your chain to a toilet?

21:18

He's like you like that Bouncing

21:20

off your forehead while you're sitting on the

21:22

toilet It's your choice you can start your

21:24

own foot off or you can learn how

21:26

to juggle Check

21:35

out my pamphlet how

21:37

to juggle what you do a toilet I I'm

21:47

gonna take getting hit. I guess I want to get in

21:50

trouble of the chances of going to jail I'm just gonna

21:52

be juggling on a unicycle and Hope

21:54

I survive. Hope I get a

21:57

nice bounce off the windshield. I don't know Friendly

22:00

bounce off the windshield if yeah, I mean if

22:02

you It

22:04

means you've dedicated your life to something, you

22:06

know Juggling

22:09

in a unicycle. They can't you can't

22:11

do that overnight not overnight cuz How

22:14

long did it take you to juggle when you

22:16

learned a month? It was ten minutes at night

22:19

Fucking exhausted. Yeah, so I mean come on.

22:21

Can you write a unicycle? No, but I've

22:23

never really tried My dad was really good

22:25

at it He could juggle

22:28

and write a unicycle Ah,

22:30

he's trying to find a find a

22:32

third start a family circus. Yeah, and

22:35

I'm like no thanks Goddamn

22:37

kid won't fall fall Apologist

22:39

footsteps. No, thanks. We check out these power cords

22:45

You pass his unicycle down to you right?

22:47

Yeah, he had like a monster one. Have

22:49

we talked about this? It wasn't

22:51

one of the giant ones like the tire was

22:54

fucking me Yeah, he would ride it for fucking

22:56

15 miles like one of those tricycles it from

22:58

the old days like yeah He's with a huge

23:00

tire. We're like, I think we built this backwards.

23:02

We should probably He's

23:05

like no, no, no, no, it's perfect. Yeah, it

23:07

looks ridiculous. Okay I'm gonna

23:09

take it and hit I'm gonna take it hit you just

23:12

cuz I guess I feel like you're 100% If

23:16

I'm an illegal running grant law enforcement Oh, no ice

23:18

cream truck is it doesn't have to be south of

23:20

the border could be north of the board could be

23:22

from anywhere It could be from Beirut That

23:25

sounds like a That

23:27

sounds like a lonely life. Mm-hmm

23:31

But god you have so many ice cream sandwiches. Yeah,

23:33

it's true But god, I'm so lonely then you look

23:35

over at your giant box of ice cream sandwiches. You're

23:37

like, but I'm okay I

23:39

mean if I'm gonna get would be worse if I'm

23:41

gonna get hit by something if you lay down some

23:43

rocket pops It

23:46

could always be worse if I'm

23:48

gonna get hit by something something that's frozen Having

23:51

something's frozen would be ideal. So if

23:53

I'm juggling I get hit at

23:56

least till the Angular shows up

23:58

or something you just sit in there free So

24:00

many ice packs. Yeah. Yeah, given you can

24:02

get up, but yeah Well,

24:04

hopefully the guy would stick around and help you out even

24:06

though he's illegal. That's tough. He's gonna

24:09

run No, goddamn. He's gonna run. He's

24:11

gonna run in his whole life. Well, all the kids would come

24:13

over and steal all the ice cream Now

24:15

make it another movie. I'll be the

24:18

juggler. Okay, two jugglers and In

24:20

the legal immigrant driving an ice cream truck We

24:23

can play this thing out real life with these.

24:25

Yeah, we could all right. Let's move off to

24:27

what are you thinking about? Okay? Yeah Hey,

24:30

hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking

24:32

about? Ah, you know nothing actually, you

24:34

know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What

24:37

are you thinking about? One

24:41

last little scene I have in my head is like a bunch

24:44

of people waiting outside of a club to get in But one

24:46

person's on a fucking motorcycle Keeps

24:49

it running into your legs Bump in

24:51

your legs already pissed you've been in line for an

24:53

hour and he's just behind you. He's like, sorry. Sorry.

24:55

Sorry Sorry, sorry about

24:58

that. It's always forward and back. Oh

25:00

fucking guy. This is why I don't

25:02

go out This is that image is

25:04

so funny. Oh someone just like having

25:06

to balance keep their balance They still

25:08

third in his mug shop. We fucking

25:11

nothing blurry photos. Yes, please. I can't I

25:13

want to unicycle. All right,

25:15

okay, so this What

25:17

are you thinking about? Is stemming

25:19

from a conversation I had with Cassie

25:21

a couple days ago She was traveling

25:23

for work and she had

25:26

like a like a stuffy nose Right

25:29

and she's in the airport and we were talking

25:31

about like snot and she had a

25:33

blower nose She had a tummy ache to know no

25:35

tummy. Is it my nose? You're what he told me

25:37

you and you made me that's how I just talked

25:39

to her whenever she's like, yeah We

25:43

got some big things today to you Put

25:47

on your little pants. I She

25:51

was traveling and then we were talking about how just

25:53

obnoxious blowing your noses like it really is.

25:55

Yeah I it's when you got

25:57

a real good one it

25:59

is Sinus infection or it's just goopy.

26:02

It's a it's a fucking trumpet on your

26:04

face Nice

26:07

first try I

26:10

love a good elephant noise and We're

26:14

just like like how annoying that is how

26:16

annoying it is to everyone else like coughing

26:18

like everyone looks at you like I don't

26:20

fucking come around me sicko. Don't get me

26:23

sick. You fucking especially you kovat You know,

26:25

yeah post kovat world with some sneezes Costco

26:29

oh my goodness Jesus Christ

26:34

Sneezes each sneezes each Christ. I

26:37

and then I was like, oh what

26:39

we should have done is pack for you One

26:41

of those baby booger bulbs, you

26:43

know talking about the booger piggy, baby bubble. They're

26:46

typically blue Yeah, and they come in different sizes. Oh,

26:48

yeah I am before you're like a

26:50

turkey baster, but for a nose for a nose

26:53

Before your kids can blow their nose you shove that little thing up

26:55

there and just go and suck it out

26:57

Yeah, and that's awesome. And then as we

26:59

were talking about that she goes that'd be you know, that'd be

27:01

cool That'd be great. That would I wouldn't have to blow my

27:04

nose It wouldn't be loud obnoxious for everyone waiting for the flight

27:06

and then I was thinking about that I was like, well, why the fuck

27:09

not was like why at a certain age?

27:12

Which for this particular example is as soon as

27:14

you can blow your nose. So what one years

27:16

old? But we just

27:18

stopped using it like it's not really

27:20

that crazy out of all the things

27:22

the crazy things that humans do Why

27:25

would having a little bulb when

27:27

you're sick and just be like and suck the

27:29

boogers out of your nose Mm-hmm, and then

27:31

all quiet put it away like creep.

27:33

I mean we what's even grosser and

27:35

it is acceptable is a fucking hanky

27:39

You blow your book back in your pocket your

27:41

pocket and then reuse it and pull it back

27:43

out and peel it apart Like

27:46

a fucking grilled cheese sandwich and then

27:48

some people asked up. They're like, oh

27:50

you're using my hanky. Yeah You're hanky.

27:52

Yeah, I'm gonna use your fucking snot

27:54

red and everyone just blow and

27:56

then give it back He like they can just shove it

27:58

in your fucking Flannel pocket. Mm-hmm.

28:00

It's I mean, it's gross but having a

28:03

little bulb that would suck your boogers out

28:05

totally practical, right? Yeah, so why don't but

28:07

you'd look ridiculous using it Yeah, just blow

28:09

your nose you baby and then this got

28:11

me thinking about that topic and then I

28:13

started thinking about bibs Mmm,

28:16

like at some point No

28:20

one likes having food on their

28:22

clothes, right? Yeah, no one's pumped about it

28:24

Like you drop a like some

28:26

spaghetti down like oh shit near You're

28:29

like, oh I was hoping I could fucking ruin

28:31

this shirt today. This is great But

28:34

at some point outside of some gimmick at

28:36

Red Lobster where you get a

28:38

plastic bib And they're like all you can eat

28:40

you're like got crabs. Everyone got

28:42

their bibs on for fuck fest

28:45

for lobster fuck fest 2024 Byo

28:49

butter, let's fucking go kids like

28:51

outside of some gimmick like bibs are

28:54

not acceptable What if you brought your own baby? They're

28:56

like, they're gonna be why you're gonna put it on

28:58

you You're like, no, no, I got it and

29:00

you put on your own bib This

29:03

is not my first rodeo. It's

29:05

not my first lobster. My first lobster

29:07

fucker You don't recognize

29:09

me. Come on. I'm just Joe. It's

29:11

show the lobster guy Next

29:25

year Remember

29:33

me But

29:35

bibs why not it's really not that crazy You

29:38

get older and you have to you evolve and

29:41

you upgrade Quotations to a

29:43

napkin on your lap. Mmm, how's

29:45

that gonna help your shirt? It's not that's what I'm

29:47

fucking getting at Like this totally

29:50

should be fine. Bibs should be a

29:52

part of life because why not? Can

29:54

you don't bibs available in the merch store soon? Okay,

29:56

you don't get my shirt Dirty.

29:58

Well, did you why? Stop there.

30:01

Diapers. So many things that you use as a

30:03

baby. We just

30:05

stop using. Like I don't want to walk

30:07

around in my own shit, but the idea

30:09

of like, Oh crap, I just sharded. Oh,

30:11

crap. Oh, that's fine. Yeah. Cause I just

30:13

take this diaper off. Cause I got a

30:15

safety net. Yeah. Yeah.

30:17

You know, it's not something you're like, that happened. We're in

30:20

a diaper. I'm going to, no one wants poop. And then

30:22

you're not just going to be like, Oh, I don't, I

30:24

could go to the bathroom. I was going to shit right

30:26

here. And like, that's not what I'm talking about. But if

30:28

it happens, you know, you're covered, you're covered. You're safe. It's,

30:30

it's scented. Maybe there's like a little,

30:33

uh, rosy, uh,

30:37

whatever. Keep going. I like

30:39

what you're, I like what I wanted to

30:41

say. Hugh, but like, whatever Hugh would be

30:43

like for smell, aroma, aroma narratives. That's the

30:46

word. Thank you. That's

30:48

the word I was looking for. So you

30:50

poop a little bit and say, did you poop or is

30:52

that poop or put on for

30:54

a few? Yeah. Those are my new, check

30:56

out the new Wranglers. That's

30:58

the commercial right there. Yep. First date. He's like, did

31:00

you poop? Or did you put on perfume? Wranglers, Rose

31:03

aroma. I

31:06

say my first rodeo. Smell great. Hold

31:08

your ass. Taste better.

31:11

What? Huh? Huh? Yeah.

31:14

Yeah. Yeah. So we're three for three

31:16

right there. I think so. And that's

31:18

all baby stuff. Let's just keep it

31:20

a lot. I mean, we, okay, we,

31:23

once you become an old, you're like a big baby, right? You

31:26

start wearing diapers again. Why don't, why do we stop

31:28

doing that? I don't know. I don't

31:30

know what we're trying to, we're trying to impress

31:32

somebody. Who, who am I, who

31:34

am I trying to impress? My,

31:36

my wife makes fun of me already because I,

31:39

every time I, we sit down to eat, I

31:41

spill something on my shirt. Yep.

31:43

Every fucking time. Not, not a joke. That's

31:46

not exaggeration. I mean, even

31:48

the pips that catch the food. Yeah. They

31:51

have a little pocket and you just dump

31:53

it in there. Those are so funny. Those

31:55

are so funny. I mean, just the collection

31:57

dish. Yeah. What babies wear them. Yeah. Well,

32:01

they think about all the food they're wasting dropping

32:03

on the floor dogs getting it. No, I Do

32:08

like the idea of Great

32:12

what was I gonna say having two eyes that are fully

32:14

open? Kind of

32:17

love that. I love when that happens. I

32:19

love the idea. Why when we get older

32:21

Why does your left eye get swollen and

32:23

close? I know I know people can I

32:25

know people can relate to this You know when

32:28

you with something like this happens And

32:30

you're like dealing with it and then you take

32:32

for granted like just your

32:35

eyes being normal Yeah, and then when they get

32:37

back to normal or anything that's it's like fuck

32:40

you feel that relief when you come out

32:42

of it You know, you just

32:44

take for granted that your eyes just work for

32:46

normal things for a bit. Yeah, and another not.

32:48

Yeah But I

32:50

was gonna say something about The napkins

32:52

I think I don't remember what I was gonna say. Was

32:55

it sports? Oh, yeah, that's

32:57

what it should be. Yeah sports fucking Great

33:00

invention, but if you have like a

33:02

metal sport in your

33:04

like your home kitchen drawer, you're

33:07

looking a little crazy But it's

33:09

really normalized sports Normalized

33:11

sports. Is there a

33:13

politician that's pushing for this? You

33:16

got my vote So how many

33:18

times have you eaten something politician you want

33:20

to vote for aligns with everything except for

33:22

sport? Yeah, and you're like,

33:24

nope next that's like his platform is

33:27

anti sport. You're like, God, he's just

33:29

he's smart He's he has

33:31

he has it's like I'm gonna limit taxes We're

33:33

gonna be it's gonna be for the people people

33:35

do whatever they want. We'll keep religion out of

33:37

politics Yeah, fuck sport. Yeah, you're like fuck you

33:40

Voting for the other guy and he just gets

33:43

assassinated by a guy with sports with a sport

33:45

Mm-hmm because stabs them to death you and

33:47

can scoop your gun you to try without switching hands

33:49

I mean, that's the thing like have you ever had

33:51

a meal where let's say you're eating Thick

33:54

soup. Yeah, I was gonna say let's say

33:56

you're having a meal and you have soup and you have like

33:58

a Spaghetti or I

34:00

don't know something or something that you need to

34:02

poke with me. It's some sort of a meat

34:05

You're on is there a spork with a sharp

34:07

edge? Oh It'd

34:09

be a nice and nice for life Well,

34:11

my I would be a little bit worried

34:14

that you go and cut your

34:16

side of your lips. Mmm But

34:18

let's we can get into that but the sport

34:20

so it's like you're happy I'm saying you

34:22

haven't don't put a knife in your mouth steak

34:25

mashed potatoes and clam chowder. Mmm For

34:27

example You can poke you

34:29

can poke the steak you can cut it with

34:31

your knife Whatever you can you can take the

34:34

bite you cut it with and then you you

34:36

can scoop some mashed potatoes Mm-hmm, and

34:38

you can you can get a bite of soup and you don't have to have

34:40

three However, they you

34:42

know, they're fucking rich people how they have

34:44

like three forks for salad Yeah, they're

34:46

the first one for air Like

34:49

the first one no one uses it just sits there. So someone can take

34:51

it away Yeah, go you didn't waste

34:53

like but no one does think of all

34:56

the metal and stainless steel We could keep

34:58

if we just made sports the water wasted

35:00

clean and fucking just yeah. No, I'm with

35:03

you I'm with you. All right, and then

35:05

this little thought train just skipping over like

35:07

all these different things down the middle It

35:09

came to the biggest one that

35:12

I think that we are dropping the ball on as

35:14

the human race is shoelaces

35:19

Mmm. Yep. Yeah, we are so far

35:21

past shoelaces. What are you wearing? I

35:23

have some slippers Yeah, slip-ons no

35:26

shoelaces though, and I get it like

35:28

there's some normalcy you have I

35:31

don't know familiarity and You're

35:33

used to a shoe looking a certain way,

35:36

but how long are we just gonna pretend

35:38

like velcro doesn't exist? When

35:40

you just you love lacing up some shoes. I

35:43

love it when my shoes come undone when I'm walking

35:46

Your kids. Oh my god. It's so much fun to

35:48

kneel down and tie my kids shoes on the sidewalk

35:50

when we're in a hurry To

35:53

get in on the Indiana Jones ride

35:55

a Disneyland You know what the best part about

35:57

that is is in and so

35:59

If you don't want to have to stop and

36:01

tie your kid's shoe, you double knot it. But

36:05

then at the end of the day when it's time to

36:07

take your shoes off, they're ripping at it and then they're

36:09

making the knot even tighter. Now you're

36:11

spending half the time untying the shoe just so

36:14

you can re-tie it. And

36:16

here we are, I could be teaching

36:18

my kids so many things. I

36:20

could use that time to teach them to

36:23

read, to write. To make

36:25

fun of shoelaces. To

36:28

become, yeah, little comedians. Little

36:30

shoe comedians. And

36:32

I'm all in on

36:35

this one because I

36:37

got slip ons. You got the van, little slip ons there.

36:39

Just throw them on and go. All

36:42

the time you would save not having to fucking

36:44

teach your kid to tie their shoes. It's like,

36:46

well, what about dress shoes? It's like, who cares?

36:49

Velcro! And I know

36:51

Velcro is a brand. What's the hook and

36:54

something? Like, there's

36:56

a different name for it. What was that Kleenex? Mm-hmm.

36:59

I've never heard of any other than calling it

37:01

Velcro. Like the invention. Hook and loop or something.

37:04

Yeah, something like that. Yeah, hook and loop or

37:06

blah. No wonder no one says that. They're like,

37:08

how about Velcro? No,

37:10

it's hook and loop. You

37:14

got your hook and loop shoes on? I don't think

37:16

you're like heading out to fish. I don't know about that

37:18

shit. Or go fucking ride a unicellar. No, it sounds like

37:20

a cereal. Yeah. I'll have some hook

37:22

and loops. It's great.

37:26

Honey, what's wrong? You barely touched your hook and loops. Well,

37:30

I'm just not hungry. How

37:32

come you can't get Velcro? It's

37:36

on the budget right now. It's the

37:38

Kirkland brand. Oh,

37:40

frosted flakes. And

37:43

then there was one for, no, there

37:45

was, so, fruit loops. And

37:49

I'm not sure if it exists anymore. But

37:51

there was like a generic brand that was loops

37:53

of fruit. It's fucking

37:55

dirty. Frosted flakes. It's

37:58

like flakes that are frosted. He

38:00

probably got sued and they're like, actually

38:02

come up with a name. Cheerios,

38:05

like cheerios. Cheerios.

38:10

Cheerios. Cheerioi.

38:13

Cheerioi. But

38:16

yeah, so, shoelaces go get the

38:18

fuck out of here. We're so

38:20

far past it. The

38:23

world moves on. And I get it looks one

38:25

way and the best analogy I can have to

38:27

dick here because we've been just harping all all

38:30

start of the show here. But

38:32

it's like a guitar. Okay,

38:34

and I have this kind of prejudice

38:36

against this too. Just because of being

38:38

raised with a certain shape of guitar.

38:42

It doesn't have to be shaped that way. At

38:44

all. And I get it. So you have a shoe and

38:46

you're like, where are the shoelaces? Oh, you're talking about a

38:49

headstock? Yeah, if you cut the tuning knobs off, or even

38:51

if you take it and you cut it into like a

38:54

square, or it's a circle like

38:56

Prince's guitar. I looked at it and I'm like,

38:58

no. I was like, that's not a guitar. It's

39:00

fucking stupid. Like, just

39:02

put it away. This

39:04

is so dumb. But it's the same

39:06

fucking thing. And you can pack it easier. It just

39:09

makes the ones that they fold up, or it's

39:11

a tiny little thing. But there's

39:13

so many different ways to do it, but you're just so

39:16

used to seeing it look a certain way that

39:18

you see it in a different cut or

39:21

shape. And if it's too far of a

39:23

deviant from what you're used to,

39:26

then you're like, fuck that. Well, headstocks are

39:28

kind of iconic. Yeah. Because some guitar

39:30

designers, they make a certain whether

39:32

it's a V or fucking BC

39:35

rich hook or just that,

39:37

the point you're used to that. The

39:40

whole sweep, the body of a guitar, electric

39:42

guitar, acoustic guitar, you know what it looks

39:44

like. If you turn that into

39:46

a fucking rhombus, what if your acoustic

39:49

sitting right there didn't have the headstock with tuning

39:51

knobs? Yeah, and then the body would shape like

39:53

a pyramid. But it sounded better than

39:55

that guitar. It'd still be like, I'm not buying that. It's

39:57

like, that's a toy. Well, it just doesn't work. I don't

39:59

know. I get it, but so much

40:01

better. It's tighter. It doesn't come undone Everybody

40:04

can use it from infant to 95 years

40:06

old. Do you realize what this all

40:08

ties back into? This is all kids

40:11

stuff that we just gave up on to

40:13

prove that we're adults. Yeah, but I can tie my

40:15

shoes I'm on fucking kindergarten. You know, I mean like

40:17

I don't need a bib. Yeah, you do. You're sure

40:19

it's a mess Just where I did. Oh,

40:22

I mean probably right but but I don't look

40:24

like a fucking idiot Well, you look

40:26

like an idiot with we're sucking spaghetti

40:28

say yeah your big white eater Yeah, you

40:31

spaghetti sauce that looks like Louisiana on

40:33

your shirt, too. That's a

40:35

good shape Yeah,

40:37

okay, that's enough on that. Let's take a

40:39

look at some dick. Okay, let's grab it.

40:42

Let's choke it. Let's throw it Oh When

40:55

I first came across this article It

40:58

just intrigued me But I wasn't sure if

41:01

it was gonna be what I was looking for and

41:03

then the more I read I was like This is exactly what

41:05

I'm looking for So

41:07

the headline reads cowboys wrangle

41:09

escaped cows on the loose

41:11

for two years That's a

41:14

long time on the loose and two cows were driving

41:16

ice cream trucks. Yeah, I was gonna say they're on

41:18

the run They're trying to make it to the border

41:21

So here we go To

41:26

escape cows have been causing big problems

41:28

on an Oklahoma woman's property. It's a

41:30

going on for two years now. That's

41:32

a That's a that's

41:34

a long time. Yeah, that's no good. Yeah. Yeah.

41:36

Yeah The

41:38

cows first got loose after a trailer

41:41

accident back in 2020 They're

41:43

treating it like a prison button

41:46

crashed and these cows ran out of there

41:48

with shackles on their udders They're

41:51

changed they're in a chain gang, but it just might

41:53

their udders Really

41:56

impossible to get out of these we got to figure out how to

41:58

remove The

42:01

two cows were finally caught after cowboys and

42:03

their dogs chased them for nearly 20

42:05

miles. Oh my god. Oh

42:08

man, after multiple attempts- They couldn't wrangle them

42:10

in in 20 miles? Not out the gate.

42:12

These were different species of cows. That's not

42:14

a good cowboy. Mm-hmm. But

42:16

you'll see why. After multiple attempts by

42:18

sheriff deputies to wrangle the cows in

42:20

Brenda Stapleton's yard in neighborhood, authorities told

42:22

her she was going to have to

42:24

hire a professional cowboy. Mm-hmm. Yep.

42:29

1-800-K-1-800-YEE-HA! 1-800-K-HA!

42:36

1-800-K-HA! 1-800-K-HA! 1-800-K-HA!

42:42

1-800-K-HA! 1-800-K-HA!

42:47

For a professional cowboy, say... 1-800-K-HA!

42:52

Frog inquiry. Stay on the phone. 1-800-K-HA! I'm

42:55

a lion. I'm a lion. That's so mean.

42:59

I understand full sentences. I understand full sentences. For

43:01

a professional cowboy, say... 1-800-K-HA!

43:05

If you can't do that, press 1. Someone's

43:08

going... 1-800-K-HA! You

43:11

sound like an idiot. Yeah.

43:14

Did you say... I didn't get

43:16

that. I didn't get that. For

43:20

a professional cowboy, say, get along,

43:22

little doggy. 1-800-K-HA! So

43:26

Brenda's response to being told... Give me

43:28

Kai-Yay, motherfucker. So

43:30

she was told she had to hire some professional cowboys.

43:33

And then her response was, who's got money for that?

43:36

And it shouldn't be my responsibility to do that.

43:38

They're her cows, aren't they? No.

43:41

They're... Can these cows hurt

43:44

felons? Oh yeah, they're on her land. Yeah, they're

43:46

encroaching. For two years, the cows would

43:48

come into Stapleton's yard, leave

43:50

a mess... This is my favorite part. Cause

43:53

damage, and even get right up to her window. The

43:59

slider. Like a little screen

44:01

door. She

44:04

thinks that things have turned around. The cows have

44:06

moved on. Right? And

44:08

she's like, two weeks. And

44:11

she's like, I haven't seen the cows in two weeks.

44:13

She goes out there. She makes her a little fucking

44:15

cup of coffee. Goes to the

44:17

dining room and, you know, pulls

44:20

the windows up and the fucking cows are just

44:22

right there. Stand in there. God damn it! Mmm!

44:26

Just fucking shit on her

44:28

porch. And

44:31

then run away together because their udders are still

44:33

fucking handcuffed. Oh

44:37

my God! Just looking in the windows!

44:39

So anyway, they showed up and caught the

44:41

cows. But just what a funny... It

44:44

seems like such a simple thing that should have been able to be handled.

44:46

Yeah. They've been on a couple hours. Yeah,

44:49

you think. These are fucking cows? Yeah.

44:51

What are the smartest cows ever?

44:55

Impossible cows? Cows

44:58

are herded. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

45:01

That's what, you know... They're looking for a leader. Yeah.

45:04

The dogs could do it. Yeah, no,

45:06

they tried. But two

45:08

years... That's way too long.

45:10

You know, Brenda kind of got liked them. How

45:13

would you not? How would

45:15

you not like a couple of cows coming up on your... If

45:18

cows wandered up to my house, I

45:20

would welcome them with open udders. I

45:26

would snip their little

45:28

udder handcuffs. We gotta get the little chains off

45:31

there. Come here, guys. Come

45:33

here, Betsy. They'll walk in the street and just

45:35

get plowed over by an ice cream truck. Yeah.

45:37

Come here. You can make ice cream with the

45:39

fucking milky guys for the cows. She

45:41

ruined a good opportunity. Yeah, she did. She had

45:43

free milk. Yep. And

45:46

she was like, I'm gonna call up a Fresno cowboy hotline. 1-800- 1-800-

45:50

1-800- COME ON

45:52

NOW! Come on now, big

45:54

boots! 1-800-CHAP-DY!

46:00

Play other chaps. Yeah, these Cowboys are trying

46:02

to find like something that fits. I don't

46:05

know one hundred to spit Sitting

46:08

around trying to think of like their motto one

46:10

hundred blood light 1-800

46:13

Mountain No,

46:17

that's taken god daily trying to pick a username

46:19

on reddit. Yeah, like what's the most obscure thing

46:21

I could think of? 1-800

46:24

utter catcher Fuck

46:26

it nine seven three eight God

46:30

damn it just put posters up.

46:32

I know from trying to get like an Xbox

46:34

handle. I know what that's all about That's

46:37

why I'm so proud of I'm not gonna say it

46:40

So I want to get my kids play but I

46:42

want to say mine on on the air, but it's

46:44

super short in I've

46:47

had it since the beginning of time doesn't have to

46:49

be capital letters backwards threes Fucking

46:51

zero one two to make some word It's

46:54

just fucking straight up one word short

46:56

word and it's mine. It's just Joe

46:59

isn't it? Yeah, just Joe Someone

47:02

has that probably oh, yeah back in the day.

47:04

They didn't have any like requirements for how long

47:07

something had to be But

47:09

I imagine like fielding that call when

47:11

Brenda She's what

47:14

a year and ten months into

47:16

this shit and she goes I'm just that's it And

47:19

I've had it up to here with

47:21

these fucking cows. What happened these guys how long

47:23

go to this happen fuck fucking

47:25

twenty twenty two They've

47:27

been here the whole time Man

47:33

all right, you want to take a look at this next dick Yeah,

47:36

sir fucking take a peek see

47:39

if you can milk all right Yeah, I

47:41

never milk this story for as long as chill

47:43

cows come home be Firefighter

47:46

impersonator with garden hose arrested after

47:48

refusing to leave fire scene What

47:56

you all you know you're doing a man

47:59

impersonating a firefighter And trying to put

48:01

out a fire with a garden hose was

48:03

arrested after refusing to let firefighters do their

48:05

job Which is also

48:07

funny to think about yeah What

48:12

this is what tax dollars just

48:15

the maniac with a garden hose slapping

48:18

firefighters No, I'm

48:20

so big Doing the thumb.

48:22

He's kicking them put your hose down. I got

48:24

it trying to get her over Step

48:27

it on my garden hose These

48:32

water pressure goes down a ton when they hook up the

48:34

fire hose your host are too big Stop

48:38

it. Oh god this picture of this guy. Yeah, he

48:40

looks like a guy to be He

48:43

looks like his eyes look like both of my left

48:45

eyes right now. Yeah, he looks like her. Yeah No,

48:49

wait, let's see that. Can you Know

48:51

how do you do that? That's what that's

48:53

calling Fuck dude, I was

48:55

trying to put out a fire. What happened? I was

48:57

fucking putting out a fire or whatever and all of

48:59

a sudden I'm in here with a new shirt Standing

49:03

next to a ruler next to a

49:05

ruler and that's crazy. Is the fire

49:07

out? So

49:09

today so I do it my fellow firefighters

49:11

put it out or am I hired or

49:14

am I fired? Dude

49:17

fire you got any fucking Twinkies? I

49:20

don't get it. Oh hi people eat food.

49:22

Oh Um,

49:26

is there more to the story? Yeah fuck That's

49:30

what there's more to it. Where the hell did it go?

49:32

Okay, okay, Morganton fire first began to

49:34

put out the fire However, they

49:36

said the neighbor refused to leave or allow

49:38

fighters to begin their work. Mm-hmm. Did I

49:41

miss? Nope? Keep going. You got it. Wait,

49:44

hold on when firefighters first arrived They said the neighbor

49:46

was on the scene Dressed an FD

49:48

and why fire gear and trying to put out

49:50

the fire with a garden hose Right,

49:55

you guys wanna see my badge? Plastic

50:00

red one that kids get junior officer

50:03

has a little sticker badge Honorary

50:06

junior firefighter with like

50:08

that plastic super bendy hat the

50:10

kids get It's

50:18

like the the outfit he's wearing is super small

50:21

and just for a kid Bussing

50:23

out of it fucking dick out We're

50:27

in rain boots Yeah,

50:29

like yeah like red the red rainbow

50:31

boots mm-hmm and that little Mike my

50:33

kids have a little firefighter suit They

50:35

have the plastic hat and a cape

50:38

mm-hmm. That's what I'm picturing It's like

50:40

a little cape with a with a

50:42

plastic bag. That's like stuck

50:44

on his shirt. I don't know why this was fun

50:46

Hey guys welcome But

50:48

you guys can make yeah, yeah, but you guys did the

50:50

rest easy. He's putting his thumb over the end of the

50:53

garden Oh, he's there watch how far

50:55

I can shoot it He pushed it Like

50:57

his lip in his or he's talking his lips

50:59

like watch. He's like flexing a little bit like

51:03

The harder you squeeze your thumb farther water goes look

51:05

I can make two streams Like

51:08

sir, please get out of the fucking way Fully

51:13

engulfed it's just like

51:15

it's a fucking three-story mansion. He's out there

51:17

look how far I can shoot it I

51:22

Know what I was saying for whatever reason he has one of those

51:24

those like puffy bags you

51:26

oh, yeah, yeah He has

51:29

that I got a holster Doing

51:31

out here and one of those little like log

51:34

pokers Joker

51:36

I'll take it from here. I got it. He's

51:38

like you were gonna do it We'll take your

51:40

ass to fucking jail, but look what he got

51:42

charged with seems a little harsh, okay?

51:46

After multiple commands law units responded

51:48

and took Christopher Morgan

51:50

whatever into custody McLean McLean. Oh was

51:53

charged with the following resist

51:56

delay Obstruct public officer.

51:58

That's weird sentence

52:02

impersonating a firefighter slash

52:04

medical personnel City ordinance

52:06

violation obedience to fire personnel

52:09

Maglino did not receive a bond since

52:12

he was currently on a preacher on

52:14

a free trial release. I Know

52:17

how to win the jury over did it

52:20

say what he actually what he was on the

52:22

trial before before Emperor he was impersonating

52:24

the bee and we thought earlier Being

52:27

a carpenter that built the he was being a

52:29

fire inspector. He's just got all that. He's got

52:31

all these kids costumes

52:33

in his closet in

52:35

person a Harry Potter You're

52:37

like no, but this had to have been

52:40

a wild scene to get these charges Yeah,

52:42

cuz normally I mean it just feels like the

52:44

firefighters like it's a fuck. I just just knock

52:46

him over I'll

52:49

take it from here. Just you fucking take nothing and just

52:52

yeah, what did this guy do? Stuff

52:54

like this. It's like I wish I wish

52:57

there was a body cam or I wish there

52:59

was something something's being omitted I want

53:01

to see exactly what happened reminds

53:03

me of the The I mean it was a

53:05

while ago now that I remember when I saw

53:08

that fight downtown and on the up Yeah, I

53:10

need to get all angles. Mm-hmm except you heard

53:14

He's like I gotta make all good guys I just want to you know just

53:16

do my do my do my And

53:19

he gets his notepad out and I start telling him

53:21

my story and then as soon as I Started

53:25

talking about like I don't think you guys had to push him

53:27

over and use handcuffs He's

53:30

like alright tell me tell me everything you can

53:33

you shouldn't have done that flip You've

53:37

got to want to leave anything out every detail matters in

53:39

these situations. It's like well I don't think you should tell

53:41

me he's like, all right, you have a good day I

53:48

guess fuck me right put the pin back

53:51

in his pocket Junior

53:53

badge, so I guess we're done here Deputy

53:58

put the fake firefighter hat on me Good luck.

54:01

Alright, thanks for all

54:03

your help. But

54:06

something must have happened for different... Well it says resist and delay, so

54:08

I'm wondering if like... He's

54:13

spraying it with water? Yeah, like the firefighters

54:15

are trying to do their job. Oh man.

54:17

What a scene. I don't know. There's

54:19

only, what, probably ten people that know exactly

54:21

how this went down. Alright, let's head off

54:23

to Petty Beef this week. Well, welding

54:28

instructor Alex deClaire knows VR

54:30

training platforms like ForgeFX help

54:32

students master their skills. There's

54:34

a big learning curve with welding.

54:36

Virtual reality simulates that exact muscle

54:39

memory that they need. Learn more

54:41

at meta.com/Metaverse Impact. You

54:45

can host the best backyard You can host the best

54:47

backyard barbecue. You

54:50

can find a professional on Angie

54:52

to make your backyard the best

54:54

around. Connect

54:59

with skilled professionals to get all your

55:01

home projects done well. Inside

55:04

to outside. Repairs to

55:06

renovations. Get started on

55:08

the Angie app or visit angie.com today.

55:11

You can do this when you Angie that. You can do this

55:13

when you Angie that. What

55:16

makes a life a good one? Is it the adventure you

55:19

have? Or the friends you find along

55:22

the way? Maybe

55:25

it's pursuing his passion while striving

55:27

to protect, defend, and save what

55:29

you believe in every single day. Sure, what

55:31

makes a life

55:34

a good one?

55:36

In the Coast Guard, we think of all

55:38

of the above and more. But you'll have to find

55:40

out for yourself. Visit gocoastguard.com to learn

55:42

more. The

56:00

rulings are final-ish. This

56:02

is... Petty Beef. I've

56:05

never really watched the video before since

56:08

we made that. Yeah. But the handshaking

56:10

in that video... It felt good. It

56:12

was like... Who shakes

56:14

hands like that? Weee! Rubber

56:18

arm, McGillicuddy. Couple stretch of Armstrong's

56:20

making a business move. So...

56:25

I mean... We have fun every

56:27

week. Yeah. Today's episode feels extra fun. It does

56:29

feel like... So our Petty Beef for this week

56:31

was bravely sent in by our son Bart. Who

56:34

writes... Oh my god. I'm

56:36

not going to call you daddy or anything. Like

56:38

that. Because I'm older than you. I don't think my

56:41

mom would fuck any of you. Challenge

56:44

accepted. Yeah. But I've

56:46

been thinking about how women say that they have

56:49

a higher tolerance of pain just because

56:51

they give birth. In

56:53

my experience, that is a lie! Just

56:57

for some context, my wife had a

56:59

sliver in her finger and he

57:01

thought that it was the end of the world. She was

57:03

whining and crying about the pain about having

57:05

to dig it out. If I had

57:07

a sliver, I would dig it out with a dirty-ass

57:09

pocket knife, wrap some duct tape around it or whatever.

57:13

I had on hand and get back to work. Another

57:15

example is if we're working on the house or

57:17

anything and both hit our thumbs with a hammer

57:20

while setting a nail, a woman would most

57:22

likely give up and quit working right away

57:24

while being... While being me, I would keep

57:26

hammering away, probably hitting my thumb 20 or

57:28

more or less times, say fuck every

57:30

time and finish the project. Fucking

57:33

nail, god damn it! Oh, it's a

57:35

classic story. Classic story

57:37

of my dad was just

57:39

standing outside the garage and you

57:42

hear him scream something and then the next noise was

57:44

that thing hitting the wall. It

57:47

was so fun. Fucking

57:50

hammer! And a ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling!

57:54

Oh, a fucking stool! So

58:00

fucking pissed when you're working on something. You

58:02

can't like, you're trying to unscrew something and

58:05

it won't move. Fuck! It's

58:08

just sweaty. And

58:10

most of the sweat's from screaming and yelling. Fucking

58:14

super fancy vacuum system that's installed in the

58:16

garage to make it easy to clean up

58:18

side up! And then. Oh. Oh.

58:22

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

58:26

Oh. Fucking throat. And then. Guys,

58:29

quit choking yourself! Fucking throat. Okay,

58:32

anyway. So I'm sure there are many more examples

58:34

that could be discussed. If we were

58:36

the ones that had to give birth, I think we

58:38

would do it right there on the job. Tape that

58:40

shit up and get back to

58:43

work. Because this man is what we do. Oh

58:45

god. Bart! We

58:47

just picture going to the doctor to give

58:49

birth. And then. He

58:52

goes. Ah! We've got

58:54

some duct tape. Sorry, you're still

58:56

bleeding. I gotta get back to work.

58:58

You just duct taped some pussy shit? All

59:01

right, you're done. Next,

59:04

slap on the butt. And

59:06

I think it's like, I mean, do you guys need a little duct tape up for the

59:08

road? At least that thing comes unglued. Oh,

59:11

jeez. Okay. I don't want to

59:13

piss off any women or anything. Yeah. Should've

59:17

led with that. I love them very much,

59:19

but I wanted to give you guys some food for thought.

59:21

If this email's too long, I don't really give a fuck.

59:24

It was on my mind and wanted to share. It's

59:27

like, if you didn't have an orgasm, I

59:29

don't give a fuck. That's your problem. That's your

59:31

problem for not orgasm. I have an orgasm 100%

59:33

of the time. Guess you came. I did. Who

59:35

do you think you are? I am fucking coming

59:38

all over your case. Love

59:44

the show, keep up the good work. Have a towel,

59:46

clean yourself up. Three out of five stars, you know

59:48

the rest. P.S., I just started listening to Scadcast and

59:51

enjoying the shit out of it. Tell Zach

59:53

that an Angus is my spirit animal.

59:55

Bart! Yeah.

59:59

There's some- There's a little, I mean,

1:00:02

those big landslide things,

1:00:05

there's examples everywhere. It

1:00:08

goes back and forth, but sometimes, I mean, they get

1:00:10

ingrained in society, right?

1:00:13

Whether it's prejudices, stereotypes, whatever it is,

1:00:15

they do, they find a way of

1:00:17

getting ingrained into our day-to-day lives, right?

1:00:20

Like the one for men is

1:00:22

you get sick and then you're

1:00:25

useless, right? And I

1:00:27

try not to be that, but

1:00:30

there's been times where I'm like, I'm fucking

1:00:33

sick and you almost

1:00:35

sense it, you know? Where

1:00:37

they're like, okay, yeah, really? And you're like,

1:00:39

no, I'm really sick. Like, okay,

1:00:42

here's some fucking chicken noodle soup. Let

1:00:45

me know when you're better. And

1:00:48

they fucking tap your head. Did you

1:00:50

need it? You want a little fucking blankie? Yes,

1:00:52

please. Yeah, a wubble blankie. I

1:00:55

want a wubble blankie. Okay, boy.

1:00:57

Oh, well, you're going to think of a wubble blankie,

1:00:59

you goopy-woopy. You'll be upright and

1:01:02

be a big boy again soon. I have him

1:01:04

showing up in the blankie in the doopy. Can

1:01:07

you put on Mickey Mouse's phone house for

1:01:10

me, please? Can I watch chips? But

1:01:12

there's times where I've been sick and

1:01:14

I've felt that and then they get

1:01:16

sick and it fucking destroys them. And

1:01:18

I'm like, fucking told you. Yeah, see? It

1:01:21

sucked, right? And

1:01:24

there's been other times where like, someone gets your

1:01:26

partner, your girlfriend, wife, whatever it is, they

1:01:29

get sick and you

1:01:31

kind of do the same thing back. It's like, you're like,

1:01:33

God damn it. Like, I know you're sick

1:01:35

but now I have the fucking kids all day by

1:01:37

myself. And we're getting to know what we're going to

1:01:39

do. I'm going to do anything because you've

1:01:42

opted out of today. You knew

1:01:44

it was a big day and now you're fucking sick. You're

1:01:46

opted out of today. You've opted out, you know, you could

1:01:48

do that. I'll do it next time. All right, but there's

1:01:50

been like those situations but there's a

1:01:52

lot of truth in that. Like

1:01:54

women, I feel like really

1:01:57

do have a better ability to suck it the fuck

1:01:59

up. Yeah, you guys my alone on

1:02:01

that neck That sounds fair. Does

1:02:04

that sound fair? Yeah, my wife certainly does.

1:02:06

Yeah, like really suck it up and I think

1:02:09

some of that comes from Now

1:02:11

this is gonna this gonna sound bad. Maybe I shouldn't say it I

1:02:14

think that men have a hard time doing something

1:02:16

if they can't do it to their best ability

1:02:19

I'm not saying that women have a really easy

1:02:21

time fucking being half-assed fucking humans. It's not what

1:02:23

I'm implying Because they're super

1:02:25

they're super women all of them like they're

1:02:27

just have fucking magical powers But men have

1:02:29

a really hard time if they were

1:02:32

already just disabled Like

1:02:35

we have a memory sucks and we're

1:02:37

trying our best all we got muscles and we look and hit

1:02:39

it I'm gonna put it in it and

1:02:41

I'm gonna fucking fix it and

1:02:43

that's all we have. That's our drive I'm gonna fuck

1:02:46

that and I'm gonna fucking fix it. That's

1:02:48

what we're here for. I'm gonna kill it I'm gonna kill

1:02:50

it. I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna fuck it. Maybe not

1:02:52

in that order But I'm gonna do it. I

1:02:55

gotta get a gold star. I So

1:02:58

I think we have a hard time like

1:03:00

if we're not feeling Somewhere near a hundred

1:03:02

percent and less like it's hard to to

1:03:05

put your effort in and maybe you're

1:03:07

just wore down Maybe there's a lot of shit that

1:03:09

you have going on that you're trying to do I

1:03:11

don't fucking know but I know that it goes both

1:03:13

ways as far as childbirth goes thoughts

1:03:15

Brian Yeah, I'd like

1:03:17

to push a baby out your

1:03:19

tank. No, and I've said this before Man

1:03:23

had babies. I don't I probably wouldn't have

1:03:25

kids Nice because I

1:03:27

don't I just don't see myself like

1:03:29

going going through all that.

1:03:31

I do get the I so going

1:03:34

to his email I do

1:03:36

think guys are better at certain things

1:03:38

like We've been

1:03:41

in situations where like a lot of times if

1:03:43

I say it's like a crisis situation.

1:03:45

I think a guy will

1:03:48

Can do really well in a crisis like okay We

1:03:50

don't have time to cry because we did this with

1:03:52

my wife years ago. We were almost

1:03:56

We're in the middle of a fucking huge

1:03:58

river almost getting capsides good and she He

1:04:00

was gonna start crying. I'm like, nope. Just

1:04:03

wave that towel. You know what that don't

1:04:05

fucking cry It doesn't help screen doesn't help

1:04:07

to cry Let's just get

1:04:09

out of this then you can cry now that we're

1:04:11

safe like you can let it all out But right

1:04:13

now is not a good time Yeah

1:04:18

Paddling and your stupid raft you

1:04:20

know, it's crying like oh, I didn't know

1:04:22

this boat ran on tears Should

1:04:25

I start crying? The boat

1:04:27

go faster Maybe

1:04:29

people cry you fucking

1:04:32

baby fucking baby Powered

1:04:37

by tears I Think

1:04:39

I think women read that you go over

1:04:41

to a little tag on the raft. You're

1:04:44

like always wear life preserver. That's not crying

1:04:49

Fill up and say anything about fucking tears make

1:04:51

sure you fill it up to 45 psi I

1:04:53

need like you push on a little bit. You

1:04:55

like looks like it's full Doesn't do doesn't seem

1:04:58

like crying gonna make it fill up. No, no,

1:05:00

it's no room for tears for tears in this

1:05:02

boat She's like water in the boats bad, huh?

1:05:06

Put your head up. Oh, you're a fucking cry. I

1:05:10

Think I think women are

1:05:12

just better. They have their their more Maternal

1:05:16

or whatever like so guys if

1:05:18

it happens So if I'm building something and

1:05:21

I smash my thumb, yeah, it's gonna fuck

1:05:23

it's gonna fucking hurt But I probably would

1:05:26

continue on whereas my wife if she did that.

1:05:28

I don't know what she would do. She's pretty

1:05:30

fucking tough Yeah But

1:05:33

I think so when it's like a family

1:05:35

thing. I think women they're just better caretakers

1:05:37

and they stayed I Think

1:05:41

guys are I don't know how I'm trying to

1:05:43

say this really like it's very so hard from

1:05:45

person to person too Anything

1:05:47

the other best example I can give and

1:05:49

coming to Bart's I Guess

1:05:52

the side here appears point. You

1:05:55

look at like sports and I played sports around a

1:05:57

lot of women like

1:05:59

the things that Or like skateboarding and

1:06:01

shit like that the fuck the crashes I

1:06:03

have taken And

1:06:05

then crashes I've seen like grilled skateboarders

1:06:07

take and then they're done And it's like that

1:06:10

happens every time I'm learning a new trick Probably

1:06:12

400 times you just get the

1:06:14

fuck up because there's some anger some testosterone

1:06:17

You're like you fight through the pain Mm-hmm,

1:06:20

but I mean but there's also women that are way stronger than

1:06:22

I am when it comes to pain too Yeah, like and that's

1:06:24

so they break their fucking leg and keep playing soccer. I don't

1:06:27

know if I'd fucking do that probably

1:06:29

because I hate soccer my What

1:06:32

I've been in the room I held my

1:06:34

white soccer don't send emails my wife's I

1:06:36

held my wife's leg twice during childbirth and

1:06:39

just seeing How strong she

1:06:41

was during that? Yeah That's

1:06:45

that's like the way she did it.

1:06:47

I was I know I wouldn't have

1:06:49

been that smooth So

1:06:51

it's it's different if you want to say yeah

1:06:53

You smash your finger and you don't you go

1:06:55

back to work if that makes you tougher If

1:06:59

that's the way you see it, but I don't I see it

1:07:01

differently Like I don't think like I said, I don't think I

1:07:03

would we wouldn't have kids if I had

1:07:05

to have kids just because I

1:07:07

I don't know that's terrifying to

1:07:09

me that have a fucking something rip out of

1:07:12

my body and I

1:07:15

just I don't and one time she she after

1:07:17

being pregnant she had a hemorrhoids, but they like

1:07:20

they had they were so bad They

1:07:22

were so bad They had to use a like exacto knife

1:07:24

and go in there and slice them open and all that

1:07:26

shit and I was in the room With her she

1:07:29

was way tougher than I would have been during that

1:07:31

too Like she was just she

1:07:33

went in there and it fucking hurt But

1:07:35

she did it whereas like when I had my

1:07:37

surgery done I had to have them they had

1:07:39

to give me a shot so I Fucking

1:07:42

passed out so they could give me

1:07:44

another shot because I didn't want to have

1:07:46

to deal with it So I

1:07:48

was like just put me under when you do it because I

1:07:51

don't want to have to deal with it Yeah, I'm having a

1:07:53

hard time finding out where that line is, but we're saying the

1:07:55

same things Like

1:07:57

they're self-inflicted pain

1:08:01

And it's not for everybody, but like

1:08:03

if I am doing something that hurts myself

1:08:06

Right, like not having a baby. There's

1:08:08

a weird it feels like more male

1:08:13

Reaction where you get so mad

1:08:15

the pain goes away Right.

1:08:17

Mm-hmm. Like you fall off a fucking ladder you

1:08:19

drop something on your head You

1:08:22

smash your leg with the fucking

1:08:24

beam of metal and

1:08:26

because you did it You fucking

1:08:28

pop right up and you're so fucking mad that

1:08:30

you're dumb. Yeah, I think

1:08:32

it's a pride thing Yeah, you're like,

1:08:34

okay, and he's fucking yeah, so I

1:08:36

don't know There's less women that have

1:08:38

that but I don't find it

1:08:41

says I think it's a weird women have

1:08:43

higher pain Tosses I don't fucking know. I

1:08:45

think it's a weird male. I think it's

1:08:47

a weird male pride thing, too. Where I

1:08:50

Don't think I think when it comes down to it

1:08:53

women They just they just do

1:08:55

stuff because it needs to be done Whereas got like

1:08:57

going back to you guys were in a way to

1:08:59

not have to well No, like what you said about

1:09:01

you want it to be perfect or if it's not

1:09:03

good enough. I think Got

1:09:06

guys have this weird thing Like it's it's got

1:09:08

to be I have to I have to be

1:09:10

able to stare back and look at it Be

1:09:12

like I did that and like this pride thing

1:09:14

where women are like fuck that just get it

1:09:16

like I just want it done I don't I

1:09:18

don't need the pride thing just fucking get it

1:09:20

done. So I think childbirth Like

1:09:23

what would guys do like I didn't I

1:09:25

didn't rip my asshole big enough, you know,

1:09:27

like I just know I'm not satisfied Yeah,

1:09:30

like some you're a half-assed baby And

1:09:33

if you had the baby and it turned out to

1:09:35

be not bright and you're I think you'd be like

1:09:38

fucking kid Came from

1:09:40

me and it's not bright fucking stupid ass kid. Don't

1:09:42

guys do that a bunch of terrible

1:09:44

dads already do that they do but like imagine

1:09:46

if they if they Themselves

1:09:48

we have the baby. I think it'd be even

1:09:51

worse. So be like I'm

1:09:53

fuck. I'm responsible for that. God damn

1:09:55

it Like then you would strangle

1:09:57

it You

1:10:00

have any thoughts I'm thinking about like not what

1:10:02

this is so dumb But thinking about having like

1:10:04

let's say you had a knife right now And you

1:10:07

had to if I three do if you're like cut yourself Like

1:10:10

it could could we I bet you all three of us

1:10:12

could do it Some weird thing.

1:10:14

I don't know how many girls you like I can do it

1:10:17

if I was in a group of people Where was like

1:10:19

a thing? I don't fucking know. I think I think that

1:10:21

would do it just person to person. It's tough It's tough

1:10:23

that got me thoughts. That's basically it. I don't think women

1:10:25

need the credit that guys need I Think

1:10:28

what is what it comes down to like I'm trying to

1:10:30

say like I think women will just do something because it

1:10:32

needs To be done where guys will do something because it

1:10:35

there needs to be some sort of recognition About

1:10:38

it, and I think women do women I think

1:10:40

women do a better job of just being behind

1:10:43

the scenes and getting shit done I know that

1:10:45

like in family situations where you have kids and

1:10:47

stuff Moms just like they're in

1:10:49

there fucking doing all the laundry. They're cooking all

1:10:51

they're doing all this shit And then a guy's

1:10:53

like you see I'm off the floor You

1:10:56

know I mean like yeah, they don't Wives

1:10:59

aren't looking for a recognition. There's getting it done.

1:11:02

That's true My wife does things that I have no

1:11:04

idea no idea she's doing and then if she wasn't

1:11:06

there you'd be like oh wow Why didn't I get

1:11:08

done? Oh shit? Oh shit the magician leave Yeah

1:11:12

Like it's just I thought so

1:11:15

trashcan people came inside the house and got the

1:11:17

trash So maybe when we're doing something they get

1:11:19

hurt. Maybe it's like that now. It's their chance

1:11:21

to fucking just Have some

1:11:23

pain in like and deal with it is

1:11:25

that they're like Consult maybe we

1:11:27

should be consoling him because they fucking hurt themselves

1:11:29

because they do shit behind the scenes all the

1:11:32

time I don't know rub some dirt on it.

1:11:34

That's a good one Bart I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts

1:11:36

if you have them send them in to

1:11:38

hey guys a candy don't podcast Dot-com

1:11:41

and I guess last thing if

1:11:43

you it's not fair I

1:11:46

don't think it's a fair comparison because I've heard this a

1:11:49

lot And I think if you just

1:11:51

look at it from straight reading that It's

1:11:55

there's so much more to it than women

1:11:57

being tough versus men And

1:12:02

this this type of guys like construction

1:12:04

guy like he's fucking Working

1:12:07

every day working smashing his fingers

1:12:09

and just getting shit done. Yeah, but

1:12:12

if you had to fucking push a baby out of your

1:12:15

fucking asshole Nice.

1:12:18

Well, could you? Right, but I mean

1:12:20

how else is he gonna get out of there? Could you do it if

1:12:23

I had to get it out of there? I don't have a

1:12:25

choice. It's coming out No, I mean would you get pregnant? Like

1:12:27

I don't even think I think I would that would be the

1:12:29

way things were So I guess so. Yeah, cuz

1:12:32

that's the way I'm like it. Let's say

1:12:34

let's say things tomorrow at switch like biology

1:12:37

might have a baby biologically a Switch

1:12:40

flipped and it's like all right now men have

1:12:42

the babies. Would you do it? I don't think

1:12:44

I would You

1:12:46

know when Python like eats an

1:12:48

alligator and what that looks like

1:12:51

inside its belly. Mmm now I'm picturing

1:12:53

that But it's a baby coming out of your wiener.

1:12:55

Mmm. Yeah the

1:12:57

face is like stretching through and you'd like Trying

1:13:01

to squeeze a baby through your penis. I

1:13:03

just really really quick question Yeah, if

1:13:05

like I said if a switch

1:13:08

flipped tomorrow and rolls reversed, you're

1:13:10

still the same guy Your wife

1:13:12

girlfriend is still the same person.

1:13:14

Hey, but your rolls flipped Do

1:13:16

you think you could do it? Yeah, I could do it

1:13:19

You think you you would you want to do

1:13:22

it? It would be a big old

1:13:24

learning curve cuz I wouldn't I could do it I wouldn't

1:13:26

want to do all the things that my wife does

1:13:29

without when your wife would want to do with all

1:13:31

the things you do Mmm, I

1:13:33

think she would have it tougher. I

1:13:35

mean, I think she has it tougher than I do. Mmm.

1:13:37

Yeah Nice

1:13:40

I might have her listen to this section just so she

1:13:42

could appreciate what I'm saying I mean you get me to

1:13:44

get a hand job or can't say it to her face.

1:13:46

So say to a microphone Man,

1:13:48

just picture and you having sex with that eyeball right now.

1:13:50

Oh It looks

1:13:52

like something had sex with it.

1:13:55

Yeah bumblebee. All right.

1:13:57

Okay. Let's move off to some good news Ready?

1:14:00

Yeah. Okay.

1:14:03

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

1:14:06

We aren't doing it. Yeah!

1:14:10

Amazing story coming in. These are me

1:14:12

type of people. I'm

1:14:14

just going to read the

1:14:16

article so I'll give you a little paraphrase here because

1:14:18

it is a good piece though. So if you're interested

1:14:20

in learning more and all the details about the story,

1:14:23

you can definitely go find it. But

1:14:25

some BYU students do an annual party for a

1:14:27

man they didn't know. They

1:14:29

never imagined what it would become. So

1:14:32

these group of high school friends went

1:14:35

to college together and the walls were

1:14:37

bare. So they went

1:14:39

to a thrift store and started buying

1:14:41

things to decorate the apartment.

1:14:44

I was going to say they're BYU so

1:14:46

there's no fucking vodka bottles and shit

1:14:49

littering the... There's something.

1:14:51

And one of the things they bought was his

1:14:53

birthday announcement. It's just like a handmade sewed

1:14:55

thing that says, Ty Christopher, six pounds, ten

1:14:58

ounces, March 1st, 1991. So

1:15:02

on March 1st, every year, they

1:15:04

would throw a party for Ty Christopher. And

1:15:07

it showed up, it was like, you know, it was a party. And

1:15:10

then it just got bigger and bigger and bigger and

1:15:12

it was so much fun that

1:15:14

this tradition got carried on

1:15:16

once they even left the

1:15:19

apartment. Oh, that's cool. It just kept on

1:15:21

going and people would show up and have fun. So

1:15:24

the cross stitch featuring the name Ty Christopher, March

1:15:27

1st, 1996, hung on the student's

1:15:30

wall throughout the school year and quickly became an inside

1:15:32

joke. It was our Wi-Fi

1:15:34

password for a while, just Ty Christopher all

1:15:36

lowercase. As

1:15:38

March 1st approached, the students had another

1:15:40

idea involving the now beloved cross stitch.

1:15:44

So they threw a party and there's like

1:15:46

30, 35 people that showed up. The

1:15:48

students had no idea what they had started and

1:15:50

the whole tradition was born. The roommates

1:15:53

got older, moved out, more people moved in. They

1:15:55

kept the Ty Christopher party rolling. In

1:15:57

more recent years, we've done like a white elephant gift

1:15:59

exchange. around Christmas and whoever ends up with

1:16:01

the cross stitch frame is responsible for hosting

1:16:03

the next birthday party. At

1:16:07

one year's party, they even did a

1:16:09

Kahoot or survey where attendance answered made

1:16:11

up trivia questions about Ty Christopher's life.

1:16:15

Some of them were just like general things and some

1:16:17

of them were super crazy jokes and stuff like that.

1:16:20

But anyway, it goes on and on and it kept

1:16:22

growing. And it got so big, they

1:16:24

decided that they wanted to try and find Ty Christopher.

1:16:27

The real Ty Christopher. Find this fella. They

1:16:29

looked on social media, they could not find

1:16:31

a Ty Christopher. They looked on the back

1:16:33

of the cross stitch and it had Jill's

1:16:35

name or whoever made the cross stitch,

1:16:37

right? But they couldn't find her either.

1:16:40

And then things got crazier and crazier. My brother-in-law

1:16:42

Jackson, he got really into this idea. He's like,

1:16:44

I'm going to be the guy that finds Ty

1:16:46

Christopher. Tingy

1:16:49

sent him Jill's Facebook profile to see

1:16:51

if his brother-in-law could do anything about

1:16:53

it. Then fortune struck. So behold, as

1:16:55

he looks on the page, he has

1:16:57

a mutual friend with a lady and

1:16:59

that was so suddenly the case that

1:17:01

cracked his back open. The

1:17:05

mutual friend was able to get in contact with

1:17:07

Jill and connect Tingy and his friends with the

1:17:10

woman. I think she was a little

1:17:12

bit caught off guard at first. And

1:17:14

then after kind of sharing the story, she was laughing

1:17:16

on the phone. She's like, this is awesome. I'd

1:17:18

love to help you guys get connected. Jill

1:17:20

told them the real last name they were

1:17:22

looking for was Nelson, that the family had moved

1:17:25

and she hadn't spoken to them since approximately 1991. She

1:17:28

made that cross stitch and then they kicked her out of the

1:17:30

family. They're like, this is shit. They

1:17:33

never even made it in the house. They went straight to

1:17:35

the thrift store with it and no one bought it. It's

1:17:38

been sitting in there since 1991. They

1:17:40

hadn't been in contact for at least 30 years. Within

1:17:43

a day or two later, Jill calls me back and is

1:17:45

like, hey, I found Cheryl. We had

1:17:47

a great conversation. We were able to kind of reconnect.

1:17:49

Here's her phone number. She's eager to hear from you.

1:17:52

Tingy was able to connect with Ty,

1:17:54

Christopher's mother Cheryl, and then the birthday

1:17:57

boy himself. So it goes on

1:17:59

and on. And at that next year's

1:18:01

birthday party everyone got rolling and

1:18:03

then fucking tycrisper walked in and that's

1:18:05

awesome And they didn't announce it. He

1:18:08

just walked in and Everyone

1:18:10

just slowly figured out who

1:18:12

the fuck this guy was So

1:18:15

that that start that was originally made in 1991. Mm-hmm.

1:18:17

Yep That's

1:18:21

crazy. Yeah, and they just went and bought it at a thrift

1:18:23

store And they couldn't find this dude

1:18:26

and just party just kept going For

1:18:28

years and years and years and then they found him and

1:18:30

then he just walks in one day Tyc

1:18:33

birthday boy shows up 30 years.

1:18:35

So yeah three days later. So he was what in his

1:18:37

50s. Yeah Yeah, no

1:18:39

91 33. Yeah, you 33. Oh, no. Oh, sorry. I thought this happened

1:18:45

I know that's why Jill got kicked the fuck out of

1:18:47

the family because she showed up with the cross stitch fucking

1:18:49

30 years late I was

1:18:51

confused. I was thinking this happened in 91. So it was

1:18:53

30 years ago that it happened Ty

1:18:57

graduates from high school and Jill hands him a cross stitch

1:19:00

When she was gonna hand it to him when I was when he

1:19:02

was born. It's like thanks I'll be sure to take this right to

1:19:05

goodwill Have

1:19:08

you heard my friend will he's a good

1:19:10

guy I'm gonna bring this right down that he knows exactly

1:19:12

what to do with it. He's fucking tossing in a bin

1:19:15

Here fucking Jill friend will will you throw

1:19:17

this away? But everyone was

1:19:19

taking pictures of him celebrity stuff, but goddamn

1:19:21

that's pretty cool Wow,

1:19:23

you gotta love that that's people off when people

1:19:26

just keep stuff going keep it going You know,

1:19:28

if you know the original thing of it, it's

1:19:30

like well, let's just keep it going funny traditions

1:19:32

We've you know, we talked about the baby jumping

1:19:34

not too long ago, but just so

1:19:36

he's funny. It's so funny There's so many

1:19:38

around the world and little things like this. I love

1:19:40

hearing those stories I got

1:19:42

something feels a little bit kind of like a like a lap

1:19:44

time, but not nearly as As

1:19:46

in depth The

1:19:50

internet is pretty wild depending on

1:19:52

your browsing habits you can either

1:19:54

experience something super cool or go to

1:19:57

prison Let's

1:20:00

check it out together as

1:20:02

a couple. Hey, look

1:20:04

what I found. Yeah, that's awesome. Hi

1:20:07

everybody. I

1:20:09

mean, probabilities, right? Flip

1:20:12

it a coin, 50-50 chance, right? And

1:20:15

that's what I always thought. Obviously, if you

1:20:17

flip a coin five times, 10 times,

1:20:19

50 times, that

1:20:22

probability could be super skewed.

1:20:24

But if you just keep on flipping that

1:20:27

motherfucker, like eventually

1:20:29

it'll be exactly 50-50, right? A

1:20:32

thousand times or something. Some scientists decided to

1:20:34

put this to the test and

1:20:37

they actually found a little bit of

1:20:39

an advantage one way or the other. I thought

1:20:41

it'd be a neat thing to share. But scientists

1:20:43

toss 350,757 coins to

1:20:48

prove theory that coin tosses are not 50-50.

1:20:54

You believe it? Don't worry, it's not like it's, well,

1:20:56

what if it came out and it was like fucking 90-10? You're

1:20:59

like, what? The NFL, they're like,

1:21:01

oh shit, we gotta

1:21:03

change everything. Yeah, it would, yeah. Back

1:21:05

to rock, paper, scissors. Aye,

1:21:08

but so. Could you imagine that on the game?

1:21:11

The captains out there doing paper on one, the

1:21:14

crowd cheers, it's like, go, go.

1:21:16

Yeah! Paper

1:21:19

beats scissors! Pussies!

1:21:23

Fuck you, Philly! Tales

1:21:25

never fails. Tales never fails. So

1:21:28

I'm not much of a gambler. This is written

1:21:30

from the perspective of the guy who wrote

1:21:32

it, the writer. I'm

1:21:35

not much of a gambler, but I think it's safe to say

1:21:37

that 50-50 odds are pretty good. With just

1:21:39

as much a chance of winning as there is of you

1:21:41

losing, people often rely on 50-50 odds to

1:21:43

help make decisions, like deciding whose turn it is

1:21:45

to take out the trash or whose turn it

1:21:47

is to get anal. He

1:21:51

didn't write that. This is

1:21:53

why I don't work for newspapers. A

1:21:55

coin? Or who has to take it

1:21:57

tonight? That's all it says, no lube.

1:22:01

Just raw dog. Just raw dog. Who has to get

1:22:03

raw dog'd in the ass tonight? And just

1:22:05

continue on with the article like, I didn't just type

1:22:07

that. A coin is often used in these

1:22:09

kinds of situations with the theory being that it's an

1:22:11

equal chance it will land on heads as

1:22:13

there is it will land on tails. As it

1:22:15

turns out, however, that's not actually true and it's

1:22:18

not due to the case of heads I win, tails

1:22:20

you lose. Classic

1:22:22

dad joke. So

1:22:24

the revelation comes from a preregistered

1:22:26

study which recorded the results of

1:22:28

350,357 tointasas, tointasas, tointasas,

1:22:31

tointamabit, and suggested

1:22:33

that there is in fact a tiny bias

1:22:35

involved in flipping of any coin.

1:22:37

The study involved with 48 people who flipped the

1:22:39

coin that many times in 46 different

1:22:42

currencies, or currencies,

1:22:44

after all the flipping, the researchers found that

1:22:46

the coins had a 50.8% chance

1:22:50

of landing on the side that it started on. Now

1:22:54

again, some mathematicians

1:22:56

out there, and I'm with you, because

1:23:00

what if we just double this amount? What

1:23:02

if we flip this coin a million times? And we have

1:23:04

computers that can do this. But there's

1:23:07

a whole theory that has to do with

1:23:11

how hard you flick it and which

1:23:14

part is facing up. I'll

1:23:17

read a little bit of it here.

1:23:19

Maybe we should start with it on side. You

1:23:22

flip it this way. So it's

1:23:25

down to a theory called the diaconis

1:23:27

model, where

1:23:30

the researchers used to claim that coins are more

1:23:32

likely to land facing the same way that they

1:23:34

were when the coin toss began. The

1:23:36

paper explains, according to the diaconis

1:23:39

model, precision causes – or, yeah,

1:23:41

precession. Percession

1:23:43

causes the coin to spend more time in the air

1:23:45

with the initial side facing up. I'm

1:23:47

guessing there must have been some slow-mo footage

1:23:50

taken where it spent a little more time that way. But I just

1:23:52

thought this would be a neat thing to share. So

1:23:55

the next time you're involved in a goddamn coin flip, if you – as

1:23:57

long as you guys aren't flipping, you're going to have to do it. this

1:23:59

thing more than 350,757 times. If you want a slight advantage on what is

1:24:01

believed to

1:24:08

be 50-50 odds, look at the coin

1:24:10

and then say the side

1:24:12

it's facing up, whether it's heads or tails.

1:24:14

Well, so maybe it doesn't

1:24:17

start with the coin. Maybe you need to do

1:24:19

paper rock scissors to see which way you

1:24:21

get to pick which way. Paper rock scissors? What

1:24:24

the fuck did you just say? I don't

1:24:26

say rock, paper, scissors. Oh

1:24:28

my god. I think that eye

1:24:30

is infections behind your brain. I've always seen paper

1:24:33

rock scissors. Paper rock scissors?

1:24:35

Sounds better. It doesn't

1:24:37

sound better. Rock, paper, scissors. How dare

1:24:39

you. Rock, paper, scissors. How dare you.

1:24:41

Paper rock scissors? Must be

1:24:43

that water. That sounds like something you could buy at

1:24:45

the fucking Dollar Tree. Get

1:24:48

a fucking paper rock scissors. It

1:24:50

is the cheap version. It's the same fucking

1:24:52

words just in a different order. I don't

1:24:55

like it. Why don't you put scissors first?

1:24:57

Scissor paper rock. Nobody puts scissors. Scissors

1:24:59

paper rock. Scissors rock paper. Paper

1:25:03

rock scissors rolls off the tongue. Rock

1:25:06

paper scissors? There's a breakup in

1:25:08

the flow. Rock, paper, scissors. Paper

1:25:10

rock scissors. Rock,

1:25:13

paper. Scissors? Oh, you're not

1:25:15

putting. Scissors. Paper rock scissors. But

1:25:18

with rock, it's like there's a cuh. Anytime you

1:25:20

put a cuh in the beginning, it breaks into

1:25:22

rock, paper, scissors. What about fuck you for

1:25:25

saying it that way? Fuck you. Does the

1:25:27

K in fuck interrupt

1:25:30

you for saying it

1:25:32

that way? Well, because the Q sounds

1:25:34

like Q. Fuck you. Fuck you. So

1:25:36

it molds the words. Fuck off. Yeah.

1:25:38

Fuck off. What about fuck the way

1:25:40

you say that? Fuck. Fuck off.

1:25:43

I wonder how many people fucking say.

1:25:45

Rock paper rock scissors.

1:25:47

Right in. Oh my god. Which

1:25:49

way is it? Rock, paper. I was excited to hit

1:25:51

episode 100. I'm not sure if we're going to do

1:25:53

this. I don't know if we can get over this.

1:25:56

I only hear people say rock, paper, scissors, but when

1:25:58

I was a kid, it was You wanna

1:26:00

play Paper Rock Scissors? So that's how

1:26:02

I've always said it. Jeez Louise.

1:26:05

Fucking Moses Clay. Just let me say it how I wanna say

1:26:07

it, you fucking asshole. It's just my opinion, dude. Yeah. Yeah,

1:26:10

well sometimes your opinion's wrong. What's going on in Moses Clay?

1:26:12

I didn't say you're wrong. I know, but I'm just trying

1:26:14

to make it way bigger for deals than actually a piece

1:26:16

of shit. No, I'm a shit

1:26:18

piece. I'm disabled right now. Look at my eye. Make

1:26:21

it just my opinion, dude. Yeah. Yeah, well sometimes your opinion's wrong.

1:26:24

What's going on in Moses Clay? I didn't say you're wrong. I

1:26:26

know, but I'm just trying to make it way bigger for deals

1:26:28

than actually a piece of shit. Is your actually a piece of

1:26:30

shit? No, I'm a shit piece.

1:26:32

I'm disabled right now. Look at my eye. I'm making

1:26:34

fun of a disabled person. Piece of shit. Shit

1:26:38

of piece. That's how I said it. You're a

1:26:40

shit of piece. You're

1:26:42

a shit piece. You're a shit piece of. This means

1:26:45

the same thing. You're a shit piece. Does it?

1:26:51

You've never heard anyone say that, dude. God, it's

1:26:53

upsetting. I'm gonna lose sleep over it. Alright, let's hear it

1:26:55

from a kid. Wait. Shut

1:26:58

it. Wait, what were we originally

1:27:00

talking about? I was making a point. Oh,

1:27:02

we're gonna put in a coin. Oh

1:27:04

yeah. So maybe you need... So if

1:27:07

you can't trust the coin to

1:27:09

be right, it feels like you

1:27:11

have to do a game to see

1:27:13

who gets to choose which way the

1:27:15

coin faces now. Shoot out.

1:27:18

You know what I mean? Like, you have to...

1:27:20

There has to be an unbiased way to get

1:27:22

to decide who gets to say

1:27:24

it because it's biased. It's a

1:27:26

call when you stand with your back to each other,

1:27:28

then walk and turn and shoot. Yeah, like a duel.

1:27:32

That's how we should start football games. Yeah.

1:27:36

Fuck yeah. Fucking Ray Lewis versus... I'd watch a

1:27:38

Rock Paper Scissors tournament at this point. Rock

1:27:41

Paper Scissors sounds so lame. Paper Rock Scissors?

1:27:43

Oh man. I don't

1:27:45

give a fuck. I know there's

1:27:47

some people out there that have to say it

1:27:49

like that and we're... We're about to find out.

1:27:52

Yeah. Come on. I'll

1:27:54

do a little tally. Just for you. And

1:27:57

if you're wrong... I'm not changing the way I say it.

1:28:00

Oh, I was gonna say if you're wrong You

1:28:03

die. No because every time I do it and be

1:28:05

like, oh, you're gonna say rock papers Just let me say how I

1:28:07

want to say it Like pronouncing

1:28:10

a word wrong. You look I don't care No,

1:28:13

rest rest rest is trying to think of

1:28:15

a word on the spot. It's hard restaurant

1:28:20

for star and restaurant Want

1:28:23

to head down to the restaurant rest guys? They

1:28:25

came not never head to the restaurant. Okay,

1:28:27

that's enough All

1:28:34

right, let's hear what you guys think really you

1:28:36

want to talk to me Wow, that's cool Will

1:28:40

you email read the All

1:28:45

right I'm

1:28:48

gonna strangle you No, you

1:28:50

know what you strangle when I I'll

1:28:53

get my gratification when everyone writes in and says

1:28:55

that the way I say is right I'm gonna

1:28:57

get my gratification. I want to write to these

1:28:59

about canceling their patreon membership Our

1:29:02

first email is coming from our recently

1:29:04

liberated daughter Mindy. Oh, right. My son

1:29:06

has played baseball for six years now

1:29:09

I'm not a typical baseball mom, but I wanted to

1:29:11

fit it But I wanted to

1:29:13

fit in with the other moms so bad. I faked

1:29:15

it for years Yeah for a few

1:29:17

years kind of like with your husband, bro But

1:29:20

I gave up last year. Thanks to y'all during the

1:29:22

game last year. I overheard a mom say I

1:29:26

I'd say it about a football field anyway. Oh,

1:29:28

I'd say about a football field anyway away. I

1:29:31

Immediately thought of my daddy's I got so

1:29:33

excited She

1:29:36

is she a kid. I looked at her

1:29:38

and said can you don't she looked at

1:29:40

me perplexed and said, excuse me And

1:29:44

I realized that she was in fact not

1:29:46

a kid and now she thinks I'm rude

1:29:48

and don't know proper English Kind of like

1:29:50

Joe. I've officially given up trying to fit

1:29:52

in and now I just go watch my

1:29:54

boy play It's actually kind of freeing. Thanks

1:29:56

guys. Good much. Love keep doing what you're

1:29:59

doing, please your bipolar daughter Mindy.

1:30:01

That's right, you do you. You do you.

1:30:03

Fuck yeah. Yeah. I love that.

1:30:06

And, cause that whole mom thing, it's

1:30:08

like, should I make mom

1:30:11

friends? And then the whole

1:30:13

thing, like, I'm just not, I'm not one of

1:30:15

those. I'll give it one more shot. There are

1:30:17

moms at our kids school right now, when we

1:30:19

first got to that school, I

1:30:21

remember thinking like, where's the cool mom club? Is

1:30:23

there a cool mom club? And then there was

1:30:25

a, there was kind of one. And

1:30:27

then I was like, I don't want to

1:30:30

be part of that group. Like they're fucking

1:30:32

lame. The parents that I've befriended, like

1:30:34

they get, they like to joke and talk. And the ones that

1:30:37

were like the group that you thought

1:30:39

you wanted to be part of, they're so fucking lame. Just

1:30:42

so fake. Yeah, and just lame. Can you

1:30:44

talk about education? And they can't, like you

1:30:46

can't even have a conversation because they don't

1:30:49

have their own thoughts on anything. No

1:30:52

jokes. No jokes. Just strictly

1:30:54

no. I

1:30:57

talk about the weather all the time. Now they wouldn't

1:30:59

even play fucking. You get there and like, oh, thought

1:31:01

it was getting snow today. Oh really? How

1:31:06

do I get out of this conversation? I don't care. Fucking

1:31:08

scissor paper rock. Nerd.

1:31:13

Don't talk to me about the weather. Sign

1:31:17

up for Patreon. patreon.com/can you don't

1:31:19

podcast. You'll find a link in

1:31:21

the episode description. Guys,

1:31:23

you should. What? I'll

1:31:27

go Zach. Why? Thanks. My

1:31:29

pleasure. I love you. Love you too. And

1:31:32

I love scat cast. Scat cards, I've got some CYD cards coming

1:31:34

soon. Card cards, yeah. Card cards. Gotta get you some pictures. Okay,

1:31:36

I already made them. You just gotta send me better pictures. Okay,

1:31:38

that sounds good. Should I send you one with my eye like

1:31:40

this? It'd be like a, it'd

1:31:43

be a special edition. Yeah.

1:31:47

What would it do? I don't know. I'll

1:31:49

make it a gold foil card. Gold foil. Yeah, or

1:31:51

red foil baby. Or just the, it has a picture

1:31:53

of your face normal at the hologram so as you

1:31:55

turn it, one eye swells and shuts. Done.

1:31:58

Okay. Uh,

1:32:01

yeah, scatcast.com, that's Scat with a

1:32:03

K. Got all of our socials,

1:32:05

YouTube, check it out. Thanks to the babysitters that

1:32:07

moderate the kin you don't playground on Facebook. Love

1:32:09

that page. So much fun. Entertains to me every

1:32:12

time I pop in there. Alright, let's get out

1:32:14

of episode 95 and we'll get into the bonus

1:32:16

shit. You ready? Okay. Okay! Good

1:32:20

God. Wrap it up already, huh? What

1:32:24

do you got, Joe? I have a joke for you.

1:32:26

Okay. Well, in that. He

1:32:28

has headphones. And for

1:32:30

the kids. Big. Headphone sale. Sale

1:32:33

sale. Driving

1:32:36

to Coeur d'Alene, there's a.

1:32:38

Beautiful. Beautiful. Jesus. Oh

1:32:42

fuck. Driving to Coeur d'Alene the other day

1:32:44

and there's a billboard up for

1:32:46

a fucking RV Super sale.

1:32:49

R&R RV, your RV super

1:32:52

store. Taking place at the

1:32:54

Spokane County Fairgrounds. One

1:32:57

weekend only. Until three

1:33:00

weeks from now when we do it again.

1:33:02

We'll do it again. We will extend this

1:33:04

sale for one week only.

1:33:08

Grand opening. We're giving them away. We're

1:33:10

having a grand opening sale for six

1:33:12

years. You don't even need money. We

1:33:15

have to liquidate everything. Going

1:33:19

out of business sale. Extended.

1:33:23

You guys saved us. We're not going out

1:33:25

of sale. Got a business. We're having a

1:33:28

grand opening sale. Saturdays

1:33:31

going out of going

1:33:33

out of business sale will lead into

1:33:36

grand opening Sunday. And

1:33:38

on Monday. Monday. Monday.

1:33:40

Back to regular prices. Back to

1:33:42

regular prices because we're losing money.

1:33:47

What kind of bear is the most

1:33:49

condescending? A panda.

1:33:52

Yeah. Yeah. A

1:33:57

panda. Seattle

1:34:00

sop and there's got to be

1:34:02

a like what

1:34:04

which which which

1:34:08

Piece of in your fucking kitchen. This is

1:34:10

great. What uh what like a pan, but

1:34:13

when your kitchen, what do you call that?

1:34:15

Let's get his rock paper. No What

1:34:19

do you call like your hot yeah like pots and

1:34:21

pans what do you call that though and Cookware.

1:34:24

Yeah, well what sort of cookware does a

1:34:27

Bear use yeah a pan pot

1:34:36

Like it, okay bonus shit

1:34:56

You