0:00

Welcome to Can't Flee Reckless, the production of

0:02

iHeartRadio and the Black Effects, And

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just like that, we're back on the air. Welcome back to

0:17

yat another carefully Reckless with your girl Jess. Hilarious.

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We're gonna jump right into just Fix My Mess.

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We do not have any voice memos, so I'm

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just gonna be reading all right. Here we go.

0:27

Hey Jos, I'm a big fan. I go and

0:29

see you every time you come to town. I've

0:31

been doing so good for myself. I'm a newly

0:34

licensed cosmetologist. I graduated

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in December within associates in cosmetology

0:39

in business in two years. I

0:41

currently have a full scholarship to a private

0:43

university to complete my bachelor in

0:46

Computer science this fall. I'm

0:48

currently in the Army National Guard for

0:51

North Carolina. I've been in for eight years

0:53

and for the most part, I'm financially stable.

0:56

Since January, I've picked up

0:58

two part time jobs, work

1:00

study job, and I volunteer my time

1:02

for funeral services when I'm free. Oh

1:04

okay. I was deployed in twenty

1:06

nineteen and was overseas during COVID. I've

1:09

really accomplished a lot in a little time. I

1:11

even ran cross country with my school for

1:13

two years and won two championships.

1:16

But lately I've been really sad, like

1:19

really sad. It's been almost three

1:21

months since I stopped running heavily, and

1:23

honestly, I thought that was my issue, so

1:25

I started working out and running again. I

1:27

still feel sad. I love to paint,

1:30

and even painting doesn't help me feel better.

1:32

My love life sucks, and

1:34

you put four Essa's on that shit. It sucks.

1:38

I have no boyfriend. I'm not even talking or

1:41

messaging anyone on the regular. I'm

1:43

really alone. I have friends, but

1:45

they are all in relationships, some married,

1:47

all with kids. Though I feel like

1:50

I'm so different from everyone around me. I've

1:52

tried talking to people, but

1:54

that does mean no good. The men around

1:57

here are some bitches. I'm lonely.

1:59

I've seen for National Help, which saved my

2:01

life after my deployment. I just feel

2:03

like I'm missing something and I'm hurting. I'm

2:05

happy with myself and I have peace

2:08

within myself, but I'm just lonely.

2:11

My sister have a mental illness, which

2:13

played the biggest part in my life. I

2:15

created a monster, my alter ego because

2:18

of the emotional weight it had on my life.

2:21

It really got bad. I've dug

2:23

myself out of the hurt and anger

2:26

that came with it. Now that I'm accomplishing

2:28

all of these things and doing good

2:30

for myself, I feel more and more lonely.

2:33

I don't want a relationship, but I need

2:35

someone there for me. I haven't had intercourse

2:38

in months, and I just want to hug. I'm

2:40

not getting any of my emotional needs

2:42

met from anybody in my life. I

2:44

love myself more than anything. I have

2:47

plans to take over the world, but I'm missing

2:49

something. I know you're a successful

2:51

black woman, and I listen to you all the time.

2:54

You give such great advice and you

2:56

have such a huge platform. Any

2:58

advice on getting out of this loan, on

3:00

the journey of being successful. I'm

3:02

so stuck. I'm twenty seven, by the

3:05

way, what twenty seven?

3:07

I'm young enough to take my time. But

3:09

then again, I'm stepping into a whole

3:12

different part of womanhood. I really

3:14

need to get over this emotional hump, all

3:16

right, So I just want to apologize for the background noise.

3:19

I'm actually in my home. I'm getting it cleaned right

3:21

now, and I have to find any and

3:23

every time I can to deliver

3:25

y'all these episodes, so pardon me and

3:28

parting my cleaners. But listen,

3:30

first and foremost, I can sympathize with you

3:32

because I'm not

3:34

gonna say I'm going through the same thing, but I'm

3:37

kind of in the same place in my life. I

3:39

wouldn't consider it going through

3:41

something. And the only reason why I say that is it's

3:44

just not your time here. I am thirty one,

3:46

and I thought that there

3:49

was a time clock on my love life.

3:51

I thought that there was like

3:53

a deadline that I had

3:55

to reach in order for me to get married, or a deadline

3:58

to have kids, a deadline to be in love. It

4:00

literally is none of that. It's just not

4:03

your time, just like it's not my time. Now.

4:05

You're twenty seven, You're still in your twenties. I

4:07

think what you are

4:09

probably feeling is that you're

4:11

so busy because you talk about how independent you are,

4:14

how you got all this going on, all your accolades.

4:16

You know, you've been in school doing this,

4:18

you got this degree, you're working on this degree, You

4:21

love yourself and all this. I think

4:23

you don't even make room enough

4:25

for somebody else to tell you any of that

4:27

because you're that's all you gave me up front.

4:30

I don't know if you ever saw the movie Think

4:32

Like a Man. Taraji p Henson's character

4:34

on There was a very strong independent woman who

4:37

felt like she didn't need a man for anything. She

4:39

just wanted that feeling. She just

4:41

wanted to be hugged, She wanted to be

4:44

kissed, but she still felt

4:46

as if, Oh, I don't need a man for anything.

4:48

I don't need love. I don't need I just want it.

4:50

I feel that's how you are.

4:52

You're just a bit younger. We get so caught

4:55

up in what we can do for ourselves

4:57

that we never really give grace to our

5:00

companion or whoever the companion may be

5:02

in the future or whatever, to do

5:04

the same. Now you said that you are stepping

5:06

into a whole different part of womanhood.

5:09

Yeah, but that doesn't mean that

5:12

you have to have everything that

5:14

you think you should have just

5:16

because you're stepping into a whole point of womanhood.

5:19

Now you said you're the loneliest one in

5:21

your whole friend circle. Everybody else is in relationships

5:24

or they're married, they have different paths.

5:26

We often get caught up in what other people are

5:28

doing that we can't really focus on ourselves. You

5:31

feel like you're deserving of love because you accomplished

5:33

everything else. No, you may have to wait

5:36

longer for love than anything else because

5:38

you already have everything, And then it may just

5:40

not be your season two love. Maybe

5:43

you're supposed to be so focused that you'll

5:45

be distracted by love if it came

5:47

to you. Right now. You have to think positive

5:49

in all aspects of your life. That's

5:51

the only negative in your mind.

5:54

And it's not even a negative. It's just not your

5:56

time. That is the only advice

5:58

I have for you. Take your time because

6:00

it's not time. It's not your time for love.

6:03

Take your time doing everything else. Continue to stay

6:05

focused, continue to work very

6:07

very hard, and it'll all pay off.

6:09

I don't know if you are a spiritual I don't know if you're

6:11

religious, but the God that I pray

6:14

to is a very very loyal god, and

6:16

he's not ever going to let us be

6:19

lonely. You're not lonely, You're just alone.

6:21

And I'm not telling you how to feel. I'm just telling you

6:24

I know the feeling all too well.

6:26

I thought it was a season of loneliness

6:28

for me. No it's not. It was just that I

6:30

was alone, and you have to learn how to be

6:32

by yourself. If you love yourself,

6:35

that's what you're gonna do, you know, first,

6:38

because you need to turn that definition

6:40

of loneliness into just being alone. You just

6:42

don't like being alone, but you have to learn how

6:45

to do that and love on yourself, so

6:47

when someone finally does come

6:49

to love on you, you'll know how to accept

6:51

it. You know, you have to make certain decisions

6:53

about yourself and what

6:55

you'll take and what you won't take, and just

6:58

learn yourself. You need to be taking this time to learn

7:00

yourself. You still in your twenties.

7:03

You don't even really get to know who you are until

7:05

you step into that thirty mark. I

7:07

thought I had it all figured out too when I was twenty three

7:09

and twenty five and twenty six. It's

7:11

just because my parents raise a very mature

7:14

young lady. So I'm well before my

7:16

time, but I still didn't know everything.

7:18

You're well before your time. You still don't

7:20

know everything. You don't know who

7:23

you are going to be as a woman in love.

7:25

You just don't know. So you can't

7:27

just make that decision and just say

7:30

I'm tired of being lonely. Nobody's gonna

7:32

you know, I'm I don't talk to anybody

7:34

right now? Do you get out? It seems like you work so

7:36

much that you wouldn't even be able to mix and mingle. It

7:39

seems like you don't really get out for

7:42

like just drinks. You don't. And

7:44

then have you ever gotten any advice from your

7:46

married friends and from your friends and relationships

7:48

and from the outside looking in? Are

7:51

they all great and in love and happy?

7:54

Is every single person happy? You

7:56

know what I'm saying. Sometimes you could be saving

7:58

yourself. Sometimes it's just better

8:00

to hold fast and wait. It's

8:03

not your time, baby, it ain't even my time. I

8:06

used to wake up every day like I need to have kids by

8:08

thirty I need to be married by thirty two. Why

8:10

do we put deadlines on ourselves? I

8:12

come to tell you right now, I'm thirty

8:14

one, and I see what my thirties are gonna

8:17

be like Now, I'm gonna be a movie's I'm

8:19

gonna barely have time to sit down, get married

8:21

and have a baby. That doesn't mean it's not gonna happen.

8:24

But now I notice I'm not saying the same

8:26

thing that I was saying at twenty eight and twenty

8:28

seven that I'm saying at thirty one my

8:30

deadline was pushed out. Why because it's not

8:32

supposed to be a deadline put on your life for

8:35

anything. The only deadline you have is

8:37

death, and we don't know what that is. Fortunately,

8:40

we don't know when that is, so

8:42

check back in with me. I'll let you know when

8:44

I get a man. You let me know when you get a man. All right, all

8:46

right, I love you, you young black

8:48

successful woman. If you love me,

8:50

you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be

8:53

right back moving

8:55

on. Hey, Jess, I just want to

8:57

say I love your show, and hopefully you

8:59

can fix my mess. We're going to call

9:02

this a fall from grace. Oh lord, girl,

9:04

you've been watching too much Soler. Hooray. Let

9:06

me take you back to the summer of twenty twenty, before

9:08

COVID hit. I was living my best life, Jess,

9:11

traveling, partying on the lodge with it.

9:14

It's a Detroit thing, hot girl, summer

9:16

obs all around. For the first time in a

9:18

long time, I finally felt like I found myself.

9:20

I was drama free, genuinely

9:22

happy and abandoned. Hi,

9:26

you must have meant unabandoned. I

9:28

felt free. I was going through a little breakup

9:30

and my feelings were hurt, but I was healing but still

9:33

enjoying my life. Fast forward to twenty

9:35

twenty one and COVID was on a rampage,

9:37

and to be honest, I worked so much

9:40

that I didn't even know what was going on until

9:42

I went to the grocery store and it was completely

9:44

empty, and I was like, damn, this is real.

9:47

I was still happy in doing me, but I was just

9:49

in the house with it until one day

9:51

I was approached by this guy. We're gonna

9:53

call him gossip boy. Damn, Oh

9:56

lord, can't up and be good about a nigga you calling gossip

9:58

boy gossip boy. It came up to me

10:01

and started a conversation with me, and

10:03

he seemed to be a cool guy, so I gave him

10:05

my number. We hit it off pretty quickly and we started

10:07

spending time together. What I like most

10:09

about him is that he made me laugh and we

10:11

had a pretty good vibe. He was staying with his

10:13

sister at the time, so the first time we

10:15

hung out was at my apartment. Just

10:17

this man gave me big dick vibes, oh wow,

10:20

and I was really feeling him. One thing led

10:22

to another and clothes started coming off, and

10:24

bitch, I'm excited. Oh yeah,

10:27

because I just knew that he had the King Kong

10:31

Man. When that nigga took off his pants, my

10:33

face went from mm to translation.

10:37

But he had a mini beer can. But

10:40

I still went through with it because I genuinely

10:42

liked him. After that happened, he would

10:44

be at my place all the time and basically

10:47

was moved in. Oh shit, the

10:49

first red flag. I was about to say a girl. All

10:51

right. We worked at a factory and I pretty much

10:53

stayed to myself. Nobody knew me until

10:56

I started talking to him, and people somehow

10:58

knew all of our business. I

11:00

would ask him, why are you running

11:02

your mouth? God, Sip been like a bitch. Every

11:05

time I would ask him, he would deny

11:07

telling anybody anything. Red

11:09

Flag number two mm mmmm. Every

11:11

time we had sex, he would apologize for how

11:13

small his dickad is in the middle of us having sex,

11:16

and I'm like, nigga, I'm trying to concentrate

11:18

on busting shut up. Red

11:20

Flag number three. He always

11:23

said I was going to have his baby. I

11:25

tried to get rid of him but he always suckered

11:27

me into staying with him. By July,

11:30

I was really over it, and as soon as I was about

11:32

to kick his ass to the curb, guess who popped

11:34

up pregnant ding ding ding

11:36

yo ass damn, damn

11:38

damn in my Florida Evans voice. So

11:41

I found out that I was eight weeks pregnant and

11:43

shit still ain't improven. So one day

11:45

I left work early. He stayed, so I politely

11:47

put his stuff on the other side of the door. Wait.

11:52

I told him we should just focus on col parentsing

11:54

and see what happens. He agreed, and things started

11:56

to get better okay, until my friend

11:59

told me he was around with another girl

12:01

at our job. I didn't know because

12:03

my job put me on maternity leave early.

12:06

When I confronted him about it, he said

12:08

he was just pimping her out and

12:10

he didn't care about her. We argued for weeks.

12:13

I asked him to just please leave

12:15

her alone and focus on our family. That bitch

12:17

told me he ain't given up on this opportunity

12:19

for nobody. So once he said that,

12:22

I blocked him and just focused on

12:24

me and my pregnancy. I was hurt.

12:26

But anyways, when I was five months pregnant.

12:28

I decided to move out of the state to have

12:31

more support from my family. I told

12:33

him about it. He didn't like it, but I had to

12:35

do what was best for my daughter. Mm

12:37

hm. So one day I called him because

12:39

I missed him, and that's when I found out that the

12:41

girl he was pimping out was pregnant

12:43

with his child too, and

12:46

he was happy. He told me he finally got

12:48

what he wanted and this is going to be end

12:50

all, be all. When I tell you, that broke

12:53

me, Jess, like, how could you do that

12:55

to me? Like I have never been betrayed

12:58

like that in my life. Technically

13:00

weren't together, but I was pregnant with your

13:03

child. I wasn't out here fucking nobody.

13:05

I was alone and pregnant for months.

13:08

I would ask him to help me get

13:10

some things for our daughter, and he would

13:12

tell me his girl and his son needs it

13:14

more. He treated my daughter

13:17

like a second option. He would verbally

13:19

abuse me and yeah, I popped my

13:21

shit too. Yeah you're from Detroit, I know, but

13:23

it's different when a nigga is constantly gaslighting

13:26

me. Somehow he

13:28

finds a way to be a victim all

13:30

that manipulating shit. Gird can't stand

13:32

it. It's really beyond me. Yes, I

13:34

had my petty moments and said fucked

13:36

up things to him, but he is the

13:39

common denominator for everything. He

13:41

blames me for having another baby. I

13:43

had my daughter in March of twenty twenty

13:46

two, and a few days later I got a real bad

13:48

case of COVID and pneumonia to the point

13:50

where I was incubated for three weeks

13:52

and I almost died. So dealing with that

13:54

trauma, being a new mom and

13:56

the bullshit from him had did a lot

13:58

of damage to my mental health. I became

14:01

a depressed, alcoholic and overall

14:03

and unpleasant person to be all around.

14:07

I finally made the decision to cut him off and focus

14:10

on myself and my daughter, but even with that, it

14:12

didn't help. Every time I get drunk

14:14

and I'm talking about blacked out drink,

14:16

I'm crying and talking about my baby. Daddy

14:18

hurt me. Oh God, I

14:20

just want to heal. I just want to be happy

14:23

again. Jess, can you please help

14:25

me and give me some advice? Thank you,

14:27

and I'm sorry for the long written message.

14:29

PS. I forgot to mention that the girl he was messing

14:32

with knew about me the whole time,

14:34

and she be on fuck shit with his

14:36

ass. But it's okay because when I see her

14:38

or them, I'm beating the ass. I love

14:40

you, Jess. Also, I'm a real person, but

14:43

I deleted all my social media accounts, so I

14:45

created this one to contact you. Okay, I

14:47

totally get a girl. It don't matter. I didn't even need that

14:49

last part. I could tell you a real person because

14:51

this shit is too fucking specific for you

14:53

not to be a fucking real person. Hold

14:56

up, hold up, I know this shit getting good, But listen

14:58

to just a couple seconds of a comer. If

15:00

you love me, you'll listen, all

15:03

right, First and foremost, let's

15:05

start from where you caught my attention. All

15:07

right, So you wanted it to be over, you

15:09

did. You really did want it to be

15:11

over with him. You put a shit on the other

15:13

side of your door. You was ready, You were fed

15:16

up with it. You didn't quite tell me

15:18

exactly why you were fed up with it, because

15:21

I know the little penis cannot

15:23

be the only thing. Because you still hung in there.

15:25

You hung in there enough to get the bun in the oven.

15:27

He got you pregnant, that that little bit can had

15:29

some little soldiers marching through it, all right, because

15:32

he got your ass pregnant, big dick or not? All

15:34

right, But you didn't quite tell

15:36

me why you wanted to be done. That's

15:39

all you mentioned was just his small penis,

15:41

all right, But you had

15:43

this stuff outside the dough. You find

15:46

out you're pregnant, you still wanted them gone. It

15:48

wasn't until you found

15:50

out that he was dealing with somebody else at the job

15:53

then you were hurt. Now, listen, were

15:55

you hurt because you

15:57

didn't want him to deal with nobody else? Was

16:00

it just the fact that it was somebody at the job? Did

16:02

you think that he may have been fucking with somebody

16:05

else before y'all broke

16:07

up? Or what? Because if you wanted him gone

16:09

that bad, why did it matter to you so much

16:12

to find out that he was dealing with somebody

16:14

like y'all weren't together, you know what I mean.

16:17

You had already put him out by then, So

16:19

I'm just curious to know. Now, it

16:21

could have been a hormonal situation because

16:23

you said you were pregnant. You could have been having

16:25

different feelings that would change. You could have been in and out

16:28

with it, like I want him, but then I don't want him. And

16:30

these could have all been blamed on your hormonal

16:32

changes or whatever with you being pregnant, but

16:35

it seemed that you were very concrete in your answer because

16:37

you wanted this nigga gone before you even found

16:39

out that you were pregnant. So that's what I'm trying

16:41

to get to. But you're not here to talk

16:43

to me in real time about it, so I want you to check

16:45

back with me. Moving on to a later

16:48

part of the story, you said, let's co parents.

16:50

He was fine with that, But then,

16:52

okay, I'm back pedaling because that's what I'm

16:55

saying. You were fine with everything

16:57

until you found out about the damn girl. So

17:00

that's why I said, were you're really over him? Because sometimes

17:02

we may think that we don't want a person until they're

17:04

gone. In other words, basically,

17:06

you don't know what you got until it's gone. Now, I'm not saying he

17:08

was the best thing that ever happened to you, and or

17:10

nor vice versa. I'm not saying you're the best thing to happen to

17:12

him, but obviously you felt the way and you wanted

17:15

him back after you found out that he was with somebody else.

17:17

You said, the girl knew about you the whole time. Fuck

17:20

her. She ain't got no loyalty to you. You ain't gonna be

17:22

high ass because you got a daughter to take care of. Fuck

17:24

that, fuck them, Fuck that, all right, You

17:27

ain't gonna be high ass because, to be honest

17:29

with you, her daughter or her child and

17:31

your child are siblings, whether you like it or not. So

17:33

don't beat her ass. Don't beat her ass. I made

17:35

that mistake. One of my baby father's other baby

17:38

mothers, I beat her ass. We're cordial

17:40

now, but I still regret doing that

17:42

because I wasn't thinking about my child

17:44

or her child, who I also look at as

17:47

another child of mine. You know what I'm saying, and

17:49

how it could potentially hurt them later.

17:52

Or my son could say to his sister one day, they

17:54

argument, that's what my mother beat your mother ass.

17:57

You know, did she look at me a certain way? Or

17:59

you know, vice versa. You just don't want

18:01

to do that. You're plan a dangerous game when it comes

18:03

to your children and their parent,

18:05

the other parent. They're not worth it anyway,

18:07

all right. You moved out of town. He ain't

18:10

doing shit for your baby. He could

18:12

be bitter that you didn't want

18:14

a relationship with him. He could be better. I'm not justifying,

18:16

but he just seems like he's bitter to you.

18:19

You can't make a man step up and do shit, So you

18:21

need to go through the courts. Because

18:23

obviously y'all don't even live in the same place. You need

18:25

help with their baby. So this is a good time to put

18:28

them on child support. Yep, this is a

18:30

good time because this would

18:32

be a case where the

18:34

mom actually needed. You

18:36

know, women put men

18:38

on child support for many different reasons,

18:41

but the right reason is for the child

18:43

and because you can't do everything on your own, and

18:45

you did not make that baby girl on your

18:48

own. So this is what I would

18:50

call a great opportunity to seek assistance

18:53

through the courts. Put them on child support,

18:55

some type of government assistance. You would need to

18:58

help take care of your baby. All right, understand

19:00

that you're bitter, but you also need to

19:03

heal. Like you said, you need to fucking heal.

19:05

He ain't coming back, and even if the fuck he would

19:07

come back, would you take him exactly?

19:10

We have to ask ourselves that what could

19:12

he give you right now to make you happy?

19:14

Another baby, love, a relationship,

19:18

a cheating one, back and forth?

19:20

What could he do right now to make you happy?

19:23

Nothing? Take care of your daughter,

19:25

But it ain't even that for you.

19:27

It's the fact that you're still bitter about

19:29

what he did to you with another woman.

19:32

It ain't even all about your daughter. Yes, you're damn

19:34

sure upset that he won't help you take care of your baby,

19:36

but you're upset with matters

19:38

of the heart too. You know, more so

19:41

what he did to you in the relationship and what he didn't

19:43

do after the relationship, or you know,

19:45

or you felt like you cheated or whatever, or just

19:48

sometimes we don't want to see the person that we

19:51

love with someone else. We're not ready to move on.

19:53

But you need to do so. And it starts

19:55

with you just reflecting

19:58

on who you are, you having

20:00

to do everything by yourself, and

20:02

asking yourself that real question, that very

20:05

real question, What could this nigga

20:07

do for me right now that's gonna make me happy

20:09

in my heart? Not the baby me.

20:13

What can he do drop everything and come live

20:15

here? Then he got another baby, then he still

20:17

got other kids with that of a girl somewhere

20:19

else, You know what I'm saying, like,

20:22

just just wake up and think about that, because

20:24

you deserve much better and you're gonna get much better

20:26

because you're still young. You got a lot more

20:28

life to live. And so does your baby girl.

20:31

Get back to me, cause if you feel like nobody love you, I'm

20:33

telling you I love you, and that little girl loves you too.

20:35

So no, ain't nobody worth your peace and your

20:37

sanity because you need

20:39

that to take care of your child, and you need that to

20:42

get past all your trauma. And that's

20:44

just what it is. It's past trauma. I'm not asking

20:46

you to forget it in a sense, but

20:48

in a sense I am move on and

20:50

forget it. Bury that shit

20:53

because remembering ain't gonna do nothing for

20:55

you but hold you back. And just like

20:57

that, we've come to the end of another Carefully

21:00

Reckless episode with your girl. Just hilarious.

21:02

Make sure you tune into Cold Parents

21:04

and Therapy every other Wednesday. Listen,

21:07

y'all. My trip in Aruba threw me

21:09

off. Y'all. I didn't deliver an

21:11

episode for Carefully Reckless. I didn't deliver

21:13

cole parenting on YouTube. I didn't deliver

21:16

any promotions for my Messy Vision

21:18

products my glasses and we got new

21:20

new glasses coming soon. I also

21:23

will be doing Breakfast Club with DJ

21:26

Envy and mother fucking CHARLAMAGNEA

21:28

God, y'all listen. I'll be doing that all this

21:30

week. If you ain't already heard, make sure you tune

21:32

into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday and

21:35

then my deepest pan boys

22:48

can't. Fully Reckless is a production of iHeart

22:50

Radio and The Black Effect. For more

22:52

podcasts from iHeart Radio, visit the

22:54

iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

22:57

or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.