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You're listening to an audio recording by Change My Relationship, featuring licensed marriage

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and family therapist and author Karla Downing.

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These audios are designed to provide you with practical solutions based on biblical truths

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for all your relationships.

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Some of the videos that I do for you are just little tips

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and tools to use to learn how to change your behavior

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and get healthier in your difficult relationships.

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This is one of those and it is basically do something different.

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Oh, I really used this a lot when I was first in recovery

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because I probably, like you, was stuck

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in repetitive behaviors that didn't serve me well.

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They got me in deeper with the difficult people in my life.

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It got me feeling crazier because of my reaction.

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It backfired on me. It made me have to just spend so much time

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trying to figure out what happened.

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And I would get stuck and I would want to change something.

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And it was really hard to change when I didn't even necessarily

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understand fully what it was that was happening.

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So one of these little, things that I learned

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was do something different. And basically what it is, is you look at your life,

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you look at what you do over and over again,

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which is not getting you the response that you like

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or getting you even in more trouble.

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And you ask yourself, what is it I'm doing that's not working?

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And then you say to yourself, okay, do the opposite.

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Do the exact opposite and see what happens.

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So this is this can be a trial and error.

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It can be well that was worse or that didn't work or whoa,

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that really worked. That was awesome.

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So here's some examples.

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So if you find yourself constantly arguing with someone,

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stop arguing. Don't argue.

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No one can argue when there's only one person,

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so stop arguing.

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You be the one. No more. No more arguing.

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Two if you find yourself responding sarcastically,

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bite your tongue. Don't say anything.

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If you can't say something nice instead of sarcastic.

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Sarcastic means to tear flesh.

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And that's what sarcasm can do. It can literally just tear somebody's flesh

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and stab them with pain.

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If you defend yourself and the argument

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escalates, typically stop defending yourself.

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Stop explaining yourself. If somebody accuses you of something

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and defending yourself causes the argument to get worse

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and causes you to get sucked in. Just say I am not going to defend myself.

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If you say something and the person counters

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you or challenges you, and defending yourself

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means that that starts a big argument

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or starts a big thing where you've got to get locked

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into this half hour conversation trying to defend yourself.

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Don't defend yourself.

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Don't say anything. Just repeat what you said.

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Hey, you know, I'm going to stop by at my friend's house

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after work. What do you mean you're going to stop by? You've got things to do here.

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I'm going to stop by my friend's house after work, okay?

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Don't give reasons. Just repeat what you said.

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Don't defend yourself. The next one.

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If you're tired of listening to someone complain

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and having the same conversation over and over again, change

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the subject. Don't respond to what the person says.

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Just completely. Bring up something different. It could be the weather.

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Oh, did you know? Did you know it's going to be colder tomorrow?

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The weather's turning okay, so if you're tired

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and the person is continuing to do the same thing, you

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be the one to change it. If you're tired

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of somebody taking advantage of you,

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try saying no.

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That's it. No.

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Instead of giving into it.

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If you are begging somebody to pay attention to you

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and it's not working, stop begging.

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Do the opposite. Act like you don't care.

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Quit asking for attention.

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Take care of yourself and be okay.

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Next one. If you're waiting

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for somebody to initiate something in the relationship

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and it's not happening, stop waiting.

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Either ask for what you need or

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quit watching and figure out a different way.

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Quit begging. Quit waiting.

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If somebody is pushing your buttons, stop letting them be pushed.

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Do you know you cannot stop somebody from pushing your buttons

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from trying to push your buttons?

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Oh, but you can decide if you're going to react or not.

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So if that person is pushing your buttons and it's working,

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don’t let it work. Stop reacting.

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If you never speak up to defend yourself, speak up.

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Whoa, that's the opposite of the other one. Do you see this? This is the opposite.

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If you never defend yourself, if you never speak

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back to the person and say, stop talking to me that way,

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quit accusing me of that. Do it.

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Do the opposite. Speak up. If you're really, really quiet

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and timid, speak with conviction.

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Put some energy behind it.

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Strong, strong response.

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See what happens

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if you're negative and pessimistic.

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Thinking about part about everything.

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Just pretend you're positive. Try thinking positively.

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Try saying something positive about everything for a day

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or try it for half an hour. Just see what happens

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if you talk too much. Try saying what you need to say in ten words or less.

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Hey, it's it's a fun exercise.

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It actually teaches you a lot.

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Be short and direct ten words and less

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if you're trying too hard,

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stop trying just stop.

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Don't push so hard. If you're pushing too hard, stop pushing.

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Stop opposite.

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Okay, if you're not trying hard enough,

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you're not trying at all. Try.

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Opposite. If you keep getting in the middle of somebody else's

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relationship, don't.

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Don't get in the middle. Don't say anything.

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Don't offer to call for that person to fix the problem.

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Don't offer to talk to the other person.

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Don't offer to drive the person.

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Don't. Whatever it is.

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If you keep getting pulled into the relationship,

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instead of asking the person to stop pulling you in, don't get pulled.

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Don't let the person pull you. If somebody isn't listening to you and you keep talking

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just stop talking right in the middle of your sentence.

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As soon as you notice the person's not listening, walk away, just stop.

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Stop talking.

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So do you get it? It's whatever is the opposite.

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You could I could give you hundreds of

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examples, but all you have to do is look at the behavior,

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look at what's not working, and do the opposite.

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Make it a fun experience.

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Like let's say, hey, I'm going to try all kinds of different things right?

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There's all kinds of things you can do this with.

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You can you can do this with your work. You can do this with your little kids.

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You can do this with your big kids. You can do this with parents, spouses, friends,

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whatever it is. Just plain do the opposite.

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Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again

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and thinking you're going to get different results.

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Only way you're going to get a different result is

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if you stop doing the same thing.

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Relationships are like a dance.

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People get used to doing the same steps.

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One person steps here, the other person steps here,

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then the other person steps here, and the other person

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steps here, or this one steps here, and then this one steps back.

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Then this one steps back and this one steps forward.

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The only way you can change that is to change your steps,

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because you can't force anybody else to change theirs.

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So there's a lot of hope in this.

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There's a lot of possibility in this one little tip.

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Three words do something different.

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And you know, I like the book of Galatians because the apostle Paul.

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Is basically telling the Galatians this too, he said,

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hey, you remember when you guys first got saved?

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You got saved on faith

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not works, not circumcision, not following anything,

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but now you've kind of pulled that back in and you think, you know,

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that you have to have works in order to get saved.

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It's like that doesn't make sense.

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And then he continued to tell them in Galatians 5,

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you've kind of fallen back into making some choices

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where you're not relying on the spirit. The spirit to help you make good choices,

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and instead you're falling back on your old behavior.

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And then you're wondering why this isn't working.

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It's like, make a choice to live by the spirit

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and things will work for you. this is just a simple formula here.

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And you guys have just taken one wrong turn,

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and yet you're doing the same thing over and over, and you're

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telling me it's not working, that this is not working right anymore?

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It did. It started off working right.

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You understood salvation by grace. You understood

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not having to work, that it was by faith alone.

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But you took a left turn.

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You keep doing the same thing, asking me why it's not working.

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But there's just a simple change you need to make.

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Do the opposite. Instead of giving in to the works of flesh,

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turn to the spirit. Let the spirit help you bring out the works of the spirit.

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Okay, so he's just... It's one or the other.

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It's either or. You either going to go towards flesh, you're

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going to go towards a spirit, or you're going to believe

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that you're saved by faith or you're saved by works.

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Which one you guys make some choices.

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And that's kind of this too. It's basically, this isn't working.

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Try the opposite. I promise you, it will work so much better.

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Thank you for listening to Change My Relationship.

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We hope you will subscribe to these podcasts

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and share them with your friends. Karla would love to hear from you.

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She welcomes ideas for a future podcast, as well as your feedback

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on how the podcasts have helped your life and relationships.

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You can email her at. [email protected]

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For more information on Change My Relationship and Karla Downing's ministry,

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including her books, studies, devotionals, podcasts