Episode Transcript
Transcripts are displayed as originally observed. Some content, including advertisements may have changed.
Use Ctrl + F to search
0:08
[Correctional Officer] Here she is, inmate K82994.
0:12
[Chartreuse] K829- Do I look like a cow to you? I'm a lady with a name.
0:19
[Narrator] Uhh, Chartreuse correct? [Chartreuse] That's the name my my mamma gave me.
0:23
[Correctional Officer] I'll be right over there in my office if you need me.
0:29
[Chartreuse] So where you thinking about putting the camera? Cause I was thinking
0:33
over there in that side of the day room the sunshine makes my hair look real
0:38
good. But I mean you's the expert so you know as long as chartreuse look yummy
0:44
I'm fine with it. [Narrator] Uh, this is a documentary for radio.
0:49
[Chartreuse] What? You mean this is just gonna be on the radio?
0:54
You saying Chartreuse ain't gonna be on tv?
0:56
I told everybody in here that I was going to be on the Real World Prison Edition.
1:01
[Narrator] I'm sorry if if there was a misunderstanding.
1:06
[Chartreuse] Shit. But you still going to put money on my books, right?
1:10
[Narrator] As soon as we finish I'll put 200 Canadian dollars in your account.
1:14
[Chartreuse] Okay fine, whatever. So, what's your first question then
1:18
Mr. documentary man?
1:22
[Narrator] Uh, let me just say a few words to introduce the material.
1:29
In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.
1:35
These are the stories of the women inside.
1:41
[Song Lyrics] Come on now! That's right!
1:45
When I say hard you say time. Hard! [Chorus] Time!
1:50
When I say rap you say battle. Rap! [Chorus] Battle!
1:56
That's right suckers! Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!
2:08
[Chartreuse] The rap battle? Oh yeah shit, that must have started like
2:12
two or three years ago. You know in here you need things to look forward to girl.
2:18
If all your days is exactly the same you're gonna go crazy and shit.
2:21
[Narrator] Is going crazy something you worry about?
2:27
I mean the rap battle started pretty small.
2:29
I mean it was just like me and a few girls on the on the basketball court just like dropping bars.
2:35
But uhh, these days everybody on the yard want in on it.
2:40
In fact last year there were so many people we had to do a sign up sheet.
2:44
[Narrator] Does the winner get a prize? [Chartreuse] Hold on baby, let's walk while we talk.
2:48
I need to go holla at these ladies
2:54
So this here is the D-block. And these is the best cells that you
2:59
can get. All the houses is a little bit bigger.
3:03
You know, because this is the old part of the prison.
3:05
So you know, folks love it in here. What's not to love baby more room you know.
3:11
But, in order to live up in this part they
3:15
got to give Miss Chartreuse donations every month.
3:23
See that's another thing. Up in here we got actual wooden doors on our houses.
3:29
The other buildings ain't got that. Out there you just got bars between you and the world
3:40
Don't turn off your TV and act like you ain't home. Get your ass up girl.
3:46
[Mabel] Hey landlady, come on in. [Chartreuse] Yeah that's the other thing. They call
3:51
me the landlady cause I look out for 'em. You know what I'm saying. I make sure
3:55
that everything goes smooth up in here. [Mabel] Hey girl, what you doing up so early
4:02
I was just making up some breakfast. [Chartreuse] Don't act like you don't know what day it is Mabel.
4:07
[Mabel] Is it Sunday? You on your way to church?
4:12
Ever since I lost my job I've started to lose track of time.
4:17
[Chartreuse] Mm-hmm, girl it's pay your rent day.
4:21
[Mabel] Really? Already?
4:24
[Chartreuse] Come on Mabel. I want to finish up so I can catch 10 o'clock yard. I got my beach
4:29
towel ready and my suntan lotion. [Mabel] Uhh,
4:32
things haven't been so good lately. Did I tell you I lost my job in the
4:38
kitchen? [Chartreuse] Mm-hmm,
4:40
It don't smell like you doing so bad. What you got there fresh eggs you frying
4:45
up? Looks like you got the whole goddamn spread: coffee, toast, baked beans.
4:50
[Mabel] Well... you know,
4:53
this is all stuff I picked up before I got fired.
4:56
[Chartreuse] Look, cough up two soups today
5:00
and tomorrow big mama Chartreuse gonna find you some work.
5:04
[Mabel] Uhh... Here, but
5:08
seriously if you got any jobs for me I could really use the work.
5:13
[Chartreuse] You know I got this yard all stitched up. If I hear of anything, I'm a hook you up baby.
5:18
[Music] [Chartreuse] Can you believe that?
5:23
I put her up in a luxury suite and she tries to weasel her way out of
5:28
paying the rent. And that's with the discount cause she's
5:31
been here for so long. I charge most girls two cans of tuna.
5:36
[Narrator] Is that slang for something? [Chartreuse] Slang?
5:40
Nah man, it's just tuna. You know tuna fish, chicken of the sea?
5:47
[Narrator] Who would you say was your biggest competition?
5:50
[Chartreuse] Competition? [Narrator] In the rap battle.
5:54
[Chartreuse] Yeah I ain't got no competition there neither but let me see for the sake
5:58
of you making your documentary. Uhh...
6:02
There's Lady Ping Pong over there in the E-block.
6:06
Then, who else? Let's see, you got the Goldtooth Mama.
6:10
And... oh yeah, you can't forget about Chop Suzzy. That girl can spit some fire.
6:16
I guess, if I'm gonna say, out of all the girls that's in the yard the one who can
6:21
really give Chartreuse a run for her money is Miss Minj.
6:32
[Music]
6:49
[Miss Minj] That's what she told you?
6:51
That minger thinks people actually call her the landlady?
6:55
Nah, nah, that's not it at all. Cuddles set him straight.
6:58
[Cuddles] We all call her the slumlord. [Miss Minj] Yeah that's right. Nothing nice about her.
7:04
Yeah, she likes to make it sound like she does people a favor by moving them
7:08
into her fancy flats, but the fucking truth is that if you don't hand over a
7:13
fiver she moves you in here A-block, hell's kitchen, hottest, nastiest in the yard.
7:20
I mean listen to that. You hear that? Everybody chatting about at the top of their lungs.
7:26
Plus it's always like 35 / 40 C in here.
7:29
[Cuddles] That's how Europeans say 95 to 100 degrees. [Miss Minj] Yeah right Cuddles, you don't need to translate.
7:35
I'm sure they know how a thermometer works.
7:38
[Cuddles] I forgot to ask can I get you some ice water?
7:40
[Miss Minj] Ice water? Cuddles where your manners? At least offer him a cup of tea.
7:45
Me mom sent over some proper English tea.
7:48
Yeah and a tin of biscuits last month. Best tea you'll ever have.
7:52
Cuddles put on the kettle. [Cuddles] [Sighs]
7:57
[Miss Minj] Yeah, you guys are in for a treat I tell you.
8:00
All right then, what were you asking me about my rapper name, yeah?
8:04
You wanted to know why they call me Miss Minj, right? Yeah I'll tell you. It's
8:08
because I love the minj. Yeah, I'm a minj connoisseur: black minj, brown
8:13
minj, ginger minj. Yeah, I lick it up and down, and all around. I love the minj.
8:18
Once I went all the way to Marrakech just to get some Moroccan minj.
8:21
Tell 'em Cuddles tell him how I love the Minj.
8:25
[Cuddles] She's got a sweet tooth especially for lollipops.
8:28
[Miss Minj] Yeah see, Cuddles will tell ya. She knows.
8:31
[Narrator] I thought 'minj' was slang for vagina.
8:35
[Miss Minj] What? You calling me a les? Do you think I go around sniffing fanny?
8:40
What are you daft or what? I can't like sweets without you coming up here and calling me a todger dodger .
8:46
Just because I like licking lollies doesn't mean all of a sudden
8:49
I want to lick beans without toast. [Cuddles] He probably didn't understand
8:52
because he's never heard an English accent.
8:54
[Miss Minj] Yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point Cuddles.
8:59
Sometimes I forget how most of the world doesn't have Sainsbury's or cheddar.
9:03
Imagine that whole countries that have never heard of cheddar.
9:07
Best cheese on the planet and they don't even know about it.
9:10
Imagine that, yeah. Fucking hell.
9:14
and you wonder why it's so easy for a country like England to go around
9:19
colonizing places, yeah. It's because the Indians just didn't
9:23
know. They'd never heard of cheddar. They didn't understand a bunch of red-faced
9:28
men were taken over.
9:31
[Cuddles] I think she meant to say Native Americans.
9:35
[Miss Minj] What? How so? What? No. I'm talking about India mate.
9:39
People from India are called Indians. [Cuddles] One earl grey.
9:44
[Miss Minj] What you serious Cuddles? You didn't fix me up a cuppa?
9:48
[Narrator] I'm really fine. Uh, you can have mine.
9:51
[Miss Minj] Uh, no no. Don't be daft. I'm not gonna let you pass up on
9:54
trying a proper English tea.
9:59
[Narrator] Umm, really good. [Miss Minj] Yeah, right proper like. Yeah, so what
10:05
was you talking about before you started on about India or whatever?
10:10
Oh yeah, you was thinking I was saying minj when I was actually saying minj.
10:18
You hear the difference, right?
10:24
[Music]
10:40
[Chartreuse] All right then. Oh so you was asking does the winner of the rap battle get a prize?
10:45
I mean, yeah I guess sort of. I mean it's more complex than that, you know. Because like...
10:52
Um... How can I explain it? You see
10:55
the winner gets three grand rap masters. Right, you probably thinking what the
11:00
hell is that. Okay so basically that means that if I beat you I can call you
11:06
out anytime anyplace and you got to show me respect.
11:10
So like we could be in the middle of a chow hall and I could call you over and
11:14
say, 'What's my motherfucking name?' And you would have to stand up and yell back, 'You
11:19
the motherfucking rap master.' And I could be like, 'What? I didn't hear you.' And you
11:24
have to say, 'Chartreuse! You the motherfucking rap master!' So I mean,
11:28
really it's all about like winning respect, you know.
11:32
Oh yeah and we throw in a packet of Little Debbie Donuts too.
11:39
Um... Excuse me for a second. I just need to
11:42
collect this last one before they call 10 o'clock yard.
11:46
[Narrator] Is it against the rules to collect rent? [Chartreuse] What?
11:49
Ain't nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I mean ask Cherokee right over there.
11:54
You know the guard, that big girl watching the telenovela over there on the TV.
11:59
If I was doing something wrong or some illegals,
12:02
Cherokee be giving me an earful right now.
12:06
[knock] Matter of fact, Cherokee
12:10
started working the yard the same week I got here seven years ago.
12:13
So we go way back. I mean, rumor has it that she was like
12:18
this Olympic shot putter, right. Almost won the gold too. That's what they say.
12:24
But you know those metal shot put balls they like real heavy, right.
12:29
You could just look at one and be like, 'Oh damn, that baby got some weight to it.'
12:33
So, what she did was to build her strength up, right.
12:37
So, this bitch would go around with her shot put ball everywhere she went.
12:42
Going to the Circle-K. 'Oh yeah I got to get my shot put.'
12:46
Nap on the couch. 'Make sure I'm sleeping with that shot put.'
12:49
So that was like her mental, you know. Like she got to be one with that ball.
12:53
So like one morning she went to get some coffee at Tim Hortons.
12:58
You ever been to Tim Hortons before? Oh Shit, ain't nothing like a java with a Boston cream
13:04
man. That shit is good as hell.
13:06
Anyways, Cherokee ordered a cup of coffee to go and the girl working the counter was
13:11
like excited to be serving a Canadian Olympic team member. So she
13:16
didn't even put the lid on correctly. So then Cherokee go to drink the cup of
13:21
coffee and that hot coffee spilled down on her titties. You know what I'm saying.
13:26
So she dropped the shot put and that shit fell right next to her foot.
13:31
I mean just think about that for a minute. If that shot put had landed two
13:35
inches to the left, she might have broke her foot and ended her career right then and there.
13:40
So you know that was a close call.
13:45
[Narrator] How did this lead to her becoming a prison guard?
13:48
[Chartreuse] Oh yeah well I mean that wasn't really part of the story, you know.
13:51
That's not the point. You know, I'm just trying to tell you that Cherokee
13:55
almost was like a great Canadian sports hero. But I guess that's not enough for you, huh?
14:00
You want to know the grit, the down and dirty? Well that's fine.
14:04
So, as soon as that shit hit the floor Cherokee reached across the counter,
14:10
grabbed that bitch by her neck, pulled her over the counter, and if it wasn't
14:14
for the captain of the Canadian curling team she probably would have
14:18
killed that bitch to death.
14:21
[knock] Hey Chop Suzzy, you better be at work bitch.
14:27
If I hear you was hiding from me, i'm coming for your ass.
14:32
[Music]
14:49
[Miss Minj] So this is me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Deck.
14:52
Yeah I was a bit gutted when it first came in the post because it was like a
14:56
nick in the case. But you know, I added like a bit of gold
15:00
plating and it started to look proper gangster.
15:04
[Cuddles ] It's gold paint. [Miss Minj] Yeah right but you know
15:07
looks like gangsta' don't it. I'm thinking next like I'll put some
15:12
rhinestones all around the front you know. Make it match me teeth.
15:20
[Music] So here's me demo.
15:26
[Music]
15:31
As soon as I get out to the record labels I'm going to be like at the top
15:34
of the charts. I mean Slick Rick did it, right.
15:38
He recorded a whole album behind bars. [Cuddles] I'm the one doing the beat.
15:44
[Miss Minj] Cuddles, can't you see that I'm trying to talk to
15:46
the documentarian about the Walkman. It's my prized possession.
15:51
[Cuddles] Her mom sent it to her. [Miss Minj] Cuddles, for fuck sake. I'm talking.
16:00
[Music]
16:18
[Gun Tower] In-line.
16:22
[Chartreuse] Yeah so, there's the yard right here. Over there you got the library and the
16:26
commissary. Past that gate is where they got to
16:30
SHU. Yeah you don't want to wind up in the
16:32
SHU. That shit's cold as fuck. Uh, over here is where I spend most of my
16:37
time on a basketball court. I mean you might look at me and think I can't ball
16:43
but chartreuse will school your ass on the court. You know what I'm saying.
16:47
I mean my booty was made for boxing out. But I got all the moves. I can do the
16:51
pick and roll. I got them post moves like Elijah Won.
16:55
Chartreuse gonna drop that Kobe fade away on your ass too.
17:03
But uh yeah, let's pop a squat right here. Uh, would you mind rubbing some of that
17:09
suntan lotion on my back. You know I can't be getting sunburned before the
17:13
rap battle.
17:17
Oh yeah. Yeah rub it right there. Mm-hmm
17:21
Oh yeah. My neck,
17:23
My back... Yeah that feel real good.
17:27
Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, a little to the left.
17:30
Yeah yeah. Hey, put a little extra pressure right there.
17:34
Like don't be afraid to massage it. Yeah, oh that's nice. Mm-hmm, that's what
17:40
I'm talking about baby.
17:46
[Miss Minj] Well if it isn't Lady Chartreuse out here peeping my court.
17:51
[Chartreuse] Oh Miss Minjie Minjie. You blocking my sun, bitch.
17:55
[Miss Minj] You out here deciding the best place to put your tombstone after I bury you tomorrow night.
18:00
[Chartreuse] Tombstone. I'm thinking about where I'm
18:03
gonna put my throne, bitch.
18:06
[Miss Minj] Sounds like somebody's got high aspirations.
18:12
[Chartreuse] We'll Chartreuse ain't the gambling type, but I guess I could use a new radio.
18:18
[Miss Minj] What? You eyeing me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Player?
18:22
[Chartreuse] Yeah, you know, those radio motors make real nice tattoo guns.
18:26
[Miss Minj] Wait, you wanna tear apart me Walkman, me pride and joy,
18:31
to draw mickey mouse faces on somebody's tits?
18:34
[Chartreuse] I don't care if we make a bet or not. You the one that brought it up.
18:38
[Miss Minj] All right then. You win and I'll hand over me Walkman,
18:43
but if I win, you're moving me and Cuddles into your flat.
18:47
[Chartreuse] You move in? There ain't no space up in there for three people.
18:52
[Cuddles] She doesn't mean all three of us would live in the same cell.
18:55
[Chartreuse] Oh, so you want Chartreuse to swap with you.
18:58
[Miss Minj] Look, you can move yourself wherever you like
19:02
but me and Cuddles get your flat. Right, Cuddles give me a beat.
19:08
[Cuddles Beatbox]
19:11
No, Cuddles. Do like that futuristic beat that you do. You know the one.
19:16
[Cuddles Beatbox]
19:24
[Miss Minj] What's the hang up? You ain't got the chops to battle me? You the last in line
19:29
at the chippy? [Chartreuse] Oh, you want to hear a little sample?
19:34
All right, why not. Honey please, I smoke you like weed. My lyrics so cut they make your ears bleed.
19:41
[Miss Minj] Best not be hiding in the house tomorrow night. Miss Minj will come for you and lay down
19:45
your last rites.
19:48
[Chartreuse] Hiding out, I don't think so Chartreuse will pop your ass like a fat pimple.
19:54
Stepping to Chartreuse is like... [Cuddles Beatbox Ends]
19:57
Hey hey, Cuddles why you stopping in the middle of my rap?
20:02
[Cuddles] It's really hot out here.
20:04
[Miss Minj] What? You winding me up? I had the rhyme at the tip of me tongue.
20:08
Good looking out Cuddles. Good looking out.
20:12
[Cuddles] Can I get some of that suntan lotion? [Miss Minj] Fuckin' Hell.
20:19
[Music]
Podchaser is the ultimate destination for podcast data, search, and discovery. Learn More