0:01

Welcome to Chat and Chai with Megs, where

0:03

we cover all things, policy and technology

0:05

related that affect domestic violence

0:08

organizations and the individuals

0:10

that they serve. This month we're

0:12

going to be talking about what is domestic

0:15

abuse, because everywhere

0:17

I turn , people have automatically

0:19

assumed that domestic abuse or domestic violence

0:22

or intimate partner violence is

0:24

a physical act. But in fact,

0:26

there's a lot more to it. There's so

0:28

many different types of financial abuse,

0:31

sexual abuse, as well as

0:33

psychological and emotional abuse that

0:35

are categorized as intimate

0:37

partner violence, domestic violence,

0:39

or domestic abuse. So

0:42

tune in to this podcast to understand

0:44

what the differences are, what you can do about

0:47

it and how you can help those individuals

0:49

and yourself, if you're facing it. Hi

1:04

everyone. My name is Megs Shah. I

1:06

am the host of Chat and Chai with Megs and this month we're

1:09

going to be talking with four panelists, Joelle,

1:12

Piercy, Lise-Marie

1:14

Monroe, Sweta Saji as well as Hiral Mankad. Now,

1:17

as part of this chat and chai, I wanted

1:19

to talk a little bit about the Parasol Cooperative and

1:21

then we'll head over to each of our panelists to introduce

1:24

yourselves . I am Megs Shah, the

1:27

founder and CEO of the Parasol Cooperative. The Parasol Cooperative is an

1:29

organization that provides the technology

1:32

tools, knowledge and services to

1:34

domestic violence organizations, so they can accelerate

1:36

what they do best, which is to protect

1:38

people. I

1:41

want to try to turn it over to our panelists,

1:43

to introduce themselves, and we will talk

1:45

more about domestic abuse, the

1:47

different types, the stigma around

1:49

it, as well as what you can do based on the survivor

1:51

stories we have today for you. Joelle

1:54

, why don't we start with you? Tell us

1:56

a little bit about safe and sound and what you do

1:58

there.

2:00

Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. Um

2:02

, so my name is Joelle Piercy. I'm the community

2:04

outreach coordinator at Safe and Sound

2:07

Somerset. Safe and Sound Somerset is Somerset

2:09

county's designated domestic

2:11

violence response agency. Most

2:14

counties across the country are required

2:16

to have an agency that provides a hotline

2:19

and an emergency safe house. So

2:22

we are that designated organization in Somerset

2:24

County, New Jersey. In addition

2:27

to the 24 / 7 and text

2:29

hotline, we serve as the emergency safe house. We

2:31

also have a wide range of

2:33

services, including , trauma

2:36

treatment in our counseling program.

2:39

We have legal advocacy, financial

2:41

empowerment , as well

2:43

as a relationship with the department of

2:45

child protection and permanency or

2:47

child welfare services.

2:50

That's fantastic. Thanks Joelle. Sweta why

2:52

don't we go to you? let's hear

2:55

a little bit about what Sakhi is doing in New

2:57

York and what your role there is. Oh,

2:59

sure.

3:00

Hi, my name is Sweta Saji, I work

3:03

with Sakhi for South Asian Women. I

3:05

work as an economic empowerment program manager

3:08

there. Um, so Saki

3:10

primarily works with survivors

3:13

of gender-based violence, domestic violence. We provide

3:17

them a range of, you know, services

3:19

ranging from legal advocacy to

3:21

case management, crisis management.

3:25

Um, you know, we provide them, you know, financial resources

3:28

if they are in need of that help. We

3:31

also do a lot of capacity building

3:34

workshops, like financial literacy classes

3:36

in order to assist them in their journey

3:39

towards financial stability. We

3:41

also have a youth empowerment

3:43

program, which works with children of

3:45

survivors or youth survivors.

3:48

Um, so those are some of the services and we

3:51

, provide and our office's are based

3:53

in New York City and we provide

3:55

services in all boroughs

3:57

of New York.

3:58

That's fantastic. Thanks for that, Lise-Marie,

4:01

why don't we go to you for the introduction

4:03

for you, what organization you're in and also

4:05

a little bit about yourself and your background?

4:08

Sure. My name is Lisa and

4:10

I am in Fairbanks , Alaska. I'm

4:13

a survivor of domestic violence and I

4:15

am an officer and the grant manager

4:18

for a parasol coffee cooperatives . Um,

4:20

I'm so excited

4:23

to be working on such an amazing project

4:25

with amazing people. Um,

4:27

and I actually almost

4:30

lost my life to domestic violence seven years

4:32

ago. So I had a pretty severe

4:34

experience.

4:36

Thank you, Lise, for joining us. I know it's really

4:38

early in Alaska, so I promise I'll get you some

4:40

coffee here soon. Right?

4:42

Got it. Fantastic.

4:46

Hiral, will talk a little bit about your

4:48

experience. Um, tell us a little bit about you,

4:51

where you work, anything that you'd like to share

4:53

with our viewers.

4:54

Sure. I am not affiliated with

4:56

an organization , but I am a survivor

4:59

of domestic violence and it's

5:01

funny that term domestic violence is something

5:03

that I never thought I would be associated

5:05

with. Um, and for me,

5:07

I always envisioned domestic violence,

5:10

physical, not emotional

5:13

or financial. Um, so

5:16

it's , um, you know, a broad term and

5:18

I am happy to say that I have been

5:21

out of my situation for,

5:24

gosh, I left in 2011, it's

5:26

been nine years and this

5:31

didn't come close to losing my life, but

5:34

it was something that really opened my eyes

5:36

to, you know , what could happen.

5:39

I am a

5:41

pharmacist by training and I work

5:43

at Johnson and Johnson. I've been there for about 20

5:45

years and I live in Boston.

5:48

Thank you again, for joining us Hiral. And,

5:51

you know, you make an interesting point. There's different types

5:53

of abuse that are out there. And I think, you

5:55

know, I was initially when I first , um,

5:57

you know, was going through

5:59

my divorce and you know, many

6:01

people are aware of it and Hiral and I actually met

6:03

through a support group , um, because

6:06

of that. And, I did

6:08

not quite understand

6:10

that domestic abuse is much bigger, right?

6:12

Like it's more than physical violence.

6:14

And I think it would be really helpful

6:17

for us to be able to shed some

6:19

light on what types of abuse exists.

6:21

And, you know, it's, it's one of those things

6:23

that, you know, once you do understand

6:26

the different types, how do you really know you're going through it

6:28

or you're experiencing it? Are there ways and tools

6:30

that you can use , um, to do

6:32

that. Sweta, why don't we start

6:34

with you? Have you experienced that in New

6:36

York and also at Joelle I'd like to go to you next

6:39

and should get a better understanding from your perspective

6:41

of what you notice in Safe and Sound.

6:45

Yeah. You know, I can start talking

6:47

about like no different types of domestic

6:49

violence before that, you know, I just

6:51

want to , um, address like a trigger

6:54

a lot , like now in case while

6:56

you're speaking of different types of abuse , uh,

6:58

there might be cases where, you know, you are triggered,

7:01

so please feel free to put

7:04

off your camera, you know, take a few

7:07

deep breaths so that, you know , you can regulate

7:09

yourself. Um

7:14

, I'll start with physical abuse as

7:17

um , mentioned. Yes. I mean, it's,

7:19

it's very , um, commonly

7:21

found abuse and it's very like recognizable,

7:24

in most cases because sometime

7:26

, you know, most of the times that leads injuries.

7:29

So , um, how do you identify

7:31

it can be like pushing shoving

7:33

or slapping, you know, it can range

7:36

, uh , with biting kicking, throwing

7:38

objects , um, some physical abuse

7:41

, uh, you know, can also range like

7:43

locking a

7:45

person outside the house in

7:47

the cold, you know, that is also physical abuse,

7:50

abandoning a partner in dangerous places

7:52

, um, are strangling. So these

7:54

are signs of physical abuse. That's how you identify

7:56

that you are being abused physically.

8:00

Um, I'll go next to emotional abuse.

8:02

Um, again, ridiculing or insulting

8:04

your, you know, your values

8:06

, uh , beliefs , your

8:09

religion, race, heritage, that also like

8:11

, uh , you know, spiritual abuse often

8:13

it's not address, but , um, um,

8:16

or, you know, another sign of emotional

8:18

abuse is withholding approval or appreciation

8:21

or affection as punished punishment,

8:24

continually criticizing with , uh , shouting

8:26

and name calling insulting or

8:28

driving away family and friends just

8:31

to instigate like isolation, right. And

8:33

when , uh , when a survivor, when a victim

8:35

is isolated, they don't have

8:37

the community like to draw strength

8:39

from or discuss it or break the silence.

8:43

Um, uh , humiliating partner in private and public

8:45

places just like targeting their

8:48

self-esteem right through emotional abuse , uh,

8:50

refusing to socialize, socialize with

8:52

partner. I had a client who

8:54

, uh, you know, used , uh , her abuser

8:56

used to send her , uh

8:58

, videos of himself inflicting self-harm

9:01

on himself and threatening her that this is

9:03

what he will do to her. That is a part

9:05

of emotional abuse and verbal abuse too.

9:08

Um, so, you know, by doing all these acts,

9:11

they just like play with

9:13

the , um, the victims

9:15

, um, sense of self, right.

9:19

So I think the mindset really gets affected by it. Right? And I

9:21

think that's, that's, what's so

9:23

interesting. And , and with COVID, it's sort of exasperated

9:26

the problem quite a bit , um

9:28

, because now we're sort of being at home

9:30

with our abuser or someone

9:33

that they know is going to be using

9:35

and feel helpless and not be able to help them out. And,

9:37

you know , so Joelle, I'll go to you, you know, in terms

9:40

of the different types of abuse that

9:42

you see at Safe and Sound and how you address them,

9:44

but also just are there tools and things that Safe

9:46

and Sound has that you use to help people

9:48

identify that they may be going through those circumstances?

9:52

Absolutely. One of the , um,

9:54

one of the best ways to kind of begin

9:56

to expand our understanding of domestic violence

9:59

is really to understand what is at the heart

10:01

of domestic abuse and domestic violence. We

10:03

do use those terms interchangeably , um,

10:06

and that is it's a power and control

10:09

issue. Uh , in fact, the U S department

10:11

of justice defines domestic violence

10:13

as a pattern of behaviors that

10:16

one partner uses to gain power

10:18

and control over the other person.

10:21

Physical violence is not part of that

10:23

definition. Violence can

10:25

and does occur, but it's more

10:27

about what power and control it's gaining the

10:30

person who's using the violence. Also

10:33

violence rarely happens. The physical

10:35

violence rarely happens in a vacuum.

10:38

Um, when we talk to teens, we frequently say,

10:40

if someone hit you on the first date, would you keep dating

10:42

them? And they say, no, right. So

10:45

you have all of those other, other

10:47

behaviors, the putdowns

10:49

, the manipulations , um,

10:52

the threats, right? That kind of prop

10:54

up that physical violence and

10:56

are in and of themselves violent

10:59

as well. Um, because

11:01

of that effect. So every,

11:03

almost every organization , uh , domestic

11:05

violence organization uses a power and control

11:08

wheel , um, to show that at

11:10

the heart of all these behaviors is

11:12

trying to gain power and control over the other person.

11:15

It's not an anger management problem.

11:18

Um, it's , uh, it's about, it's

11:20

about gaining power and control.

11:22

And so I, I strongly suggest

11:25

, um, looking at power and control

11:27

wheels, there's lots available on the

11:29

web. We also have , um, several

11:31

different kinds of , for teens and adults

11:34

available on our website , um,

11:39

www.safe-sound.org under survivor services , um,

11:42

so that you can look through and , and again,

11:44

kind of expand that understanding of what

11:47

violence is and how

11:49

it happens.

11:50

And I think it's interesting, you brought up violence

11:53

is , um, you know, different terms

11:55

can be used for it. You know, I'm in

11:58

my faith on Jain and, you know, we believe

12:00

violence can be inflicted through words, through

12:02

thoughts and through our actions. And I think

12:04

in this case, it's very, very

12:06

relevant. Um, but I do think that,

12:09

you know, the definition of getting

12:11

control is sort of the big thing

12:13

here. Um, and so I want to kind

12:15

of walk to , um, Hiral you

12:17

first, as far as your experience

12:20

is concerned , you know, with the different types of abuse,

12:22

as you mentioned earlier, you know, tell

12:24

us a little bit about what you experienced , um,

12:27

and, you know, kind of share with our

12:29

viewers if you're comfortable , uh

12:31

, sharing it, you know, that that

12:33

way they can sort of understand and potentially

12:35

relate to it .

12:37

Yeah. So , um, I actually

12:39

married probably a late

12:41

bloomer if you will, in the Indian

12:43

world. So I didn't get married until I was 30.

12:47

Um, so I, you know, was well into, you

12:50

know, the beginnings of my career. I had a job,

12:53

a steady paycheck. Um,

12:55

and when I got married, I married my husband

12:58

and lived with his parents , um,

13:01

because he was the older son and that that's

13:04

what happened. And , um, interestingly

13:07

enough, while we were dating,

13:09

which was over the course of 14

13:11

months , everything was great, no

13:14

issues. And, you

13:16

know, it's funny as soon as that

13:18

wedding happened, in hindsight,

13:20

as they say, it's 20, 20 it's

13:22

as if like a switch flipped. And

13:26

I recall, you know, moving in and

13:29

it was just, you know, it was amazing.

13:31

And for me, even though I wasn't married to my husband,

13:34

as I think about it, I think

13:36

I was married to him physically only because

13:38

really my issue was with his mother,

13:41

his mother made my life a living

13:43

hell, day one. And she

13:45

turned into Jekyll and Hyde, you know,

13:47

faster than you can say, Oh

13:50

my goodness. Um, but

13:52

she was the one I think that really inflicted

13:55

the abuse over the course of years.

13:57

I was never good enough the

14:00

putting down, you know, there wasn't physical

14:02

violence. Um, she kept

14:04

me from my family and friends. I had moved

14:07

across state . So I grew up in

14:09

Pennsylvania and moved to Massachusetts

14:12

and I was isolated. There

14:15

was, and I worked from home as well. So

14:18

I didn't have that social network,

14:20

my social network, my support

14:22

network was all back in Pennsylvania.

14:24

And it was to the

14:27

point where, you know, conversations, even with

14:29

my family became very Curt

14:31

, very, you know, I didn't

14:33

want to let on that anything was wrong

14:35

because part of me felt like a failure

14:37

as the years went on, because I felt

14:39

like I failed as a wife, as

14:41

a daughter-in-law and also as

14:44

a mom, once I had my child , um,

14:47

and then, you know, it just, over the

14:49

course of years, it just got worse and worse.

14:51

And you know, when I got married, there's

14:53

a part with the Indian wedding ceremony,

14:55

where your parents bit you goodbye. And, you

14:58

know, you're now part of this family and

15:01

my parents, parting words were , these

15:03

are your parents now treat them as

15:05

you would treat us. And

15:07

so I took that to heart because that's how I was raised

15:10

when I didn't take into account is

15:12

do that to a certain point. Not when

15:15

somebody demeans you and just, you

15:17

know, you lose your self

15:19

respect. I think one of the women was

15:21

just saying, you know, if you hear something long

15:23

enough, you start to believe it. So

15:26

here I am, I have a doctorate in pharmacy have

15:29

master's degree, a bachelor's degree, have

15:31

a great job, made a steady income,

15:33

a good income, but yet

15:35

I was restricted from accessing finances

15:38

. I, you know,

15:40

it was put down until told I was,

15:42

you know , called names and you start to believe

15:44

in, and it really does start to impact your self

15:46

esteem. Um , and I think

15:49

the eye-opener for me was,

15:51

I think my daughter was probably three

15:53

at the time . And my mother-in-law had said to her

15:56

saying, you know, during the course

15:59

of one of the routes, she had said, you know,

16:01

you deserve a better mommy. One that loves you.

16:03

One that cares for you. That

16:06

night when I put her to bed, it was right around Thanksgiving

16:10

and I put her to bed and she said, mommy, with

16:12

tears in her eyes and I said what's wrong? And she said,

16:14

I don't want a new mommy, I want you so

16:17

that for me, was the eye opener .

16:21

Yeah . I , I think it's, you know, different

16:23

cultures, we have different sort

16:25

of expectations as well. And it's

16:27

not always your significant other inflicting

16:31

the pain, although they do play

16:33

a big part in supporting someone

16:35

who might be like your mother-in-law and for instance, right.

16:38

I think where , um, where

16:40

I, I struggled with this a little

16:42

bit, right. In terms of the stigma and

16:45

in the , um, the

16:47

spectrum of abuse

16:49

, I think that there's a stigma that all cultures

16:51

have. Um , and I'd love

16:53

to hear Lise-Marie from you about,

16:56

you know, sort of your experience. Was there

16:58

a stigma associated with you sort of, I

17:01

know it was sort of a very abrupt situation,

17:03

so it might be a little bit different in that

17:05

context, but I'd love to understand a bit more

17:07

about what you experienced if you're

17:09

willing to share it with our viewers here.

17:13

Yeah, absolutely. And , um, the

17:16

near fatal attack, obviously it

17:18

was very abrupt, but , um,

17:20

the emotional abuse began quite

17:23

a while before that. Um, and

17:26

I think here I'll, I really relate

17:28

to having to play a certain role.

17:30

I think that that's a really big part

17:33

of what we take on and it , it

17:35

leaves us limited. So I was a military

17:39

wife and actually I also married at

17:41

30 , so that's really funny. Um,

17:44

and so, but my, my now

17:46

ex-husband was born and raised in Cuba.

17:49

So we were dealing with very,

17:51

very different cultural

17:53

understandings. And , um,

17:56

we were only married for six months before he deployed.

17:59

And it was while he was deployed

18:01

that the emotional abuse began , um,

18:05

paranoia about me stealing his money about

18:08

me, cheating on him, I'm going to leave him

18:10

calling me names. Um, it

18:13

was, it was a very severe

18:15

switch. And , um,

18:17

he was dealing with extreme circumstances.

18:21

Um , he was dealing with near-death situations

18:23

on a daily basis, so he was

18:25

suffering from severe PTSD. So

18:28

I think that that's really important

18:30

to keep in mind as well is like it's

18:34

very, it's typically a very

18:36

complicated situation. Um,

18:38

and I too had a vibrant career.

18:41

I, actually identify

18:43

as a feminist. I have psychology

18:45

degree. I , uh , I also never

18:47

saw myself as someone who would end up in a situation

18:50

where domestic violence would

18:53

play such a huge role in my life. And

18:57

ultimately what ended up

18:59

happening just to give everybody context

19:02

for that was he did have a flashback and

19:04

he strangled me. Um,

19:06

and I went through all four of the stages

19:08

, uh, proceeding dying.

19:11

So I literally did almost

19:13

lose my life. Um, so

19:16

I'm happy to be here. I'm also happy.

19:19

Uh, and I think compassion, the compassion

19:21

that I have for my ex-husband is actually quite

19:23

pronounced because I realized how much he was dealing

19:25

with. So I'm also happy for his

19:27

sake that I am still

19:30

here because life would

19:32

also be very different. Um,

19:34

as far as stigma goes , um, I

19:36

think for me, the stigma

19:38

was not

19:41

so much about domestic violence, particularly,

19:43

but again, relating back to the role.

19:46

Um, as a military wife, I

19:48

was, I was in a situation dealing

19:50

with somebody who was

19:53

essentially obsessed with

19:55

violence after coming back from such a severe

19:57

deployment. So I

20:00

was trying to

20:02

weigh what was normal,

20:04

what wasn't normal, what should I

20:06

put up with? What shouldn't I put up with?

20:09

You know, what was dangerous, what

20:11

wasn't dangerous. Um, I was told

20:13

as a military wife, by my fellow friends who

20:15

had, has been said, it had been deployed

20:18

several times that if he had

20:20

a nightmare, that I should throw a shoe at him

20:22

from across the room and not try

20:24

to wake him up because he might

20:26

be in a state where he had no idea what,

20:28

who he was, where he was and what was happening

20:31

or who I was. Um, so there

20:33

was like this, the

20:35

stigma around , um,

20:37

calling abusive

20:40

situations, abuse, even

20:42

though he wasn't trying to

20:44

abuse me necessarily. He was dealing

20:47

with trauma and trauma responses

20:49

and triggers. Um, that

20:51

was the stigma I was dealing with the most.

20:54

Um, I set a very clear boundary with

20:56

him because his temper, when he

20:58

came back was extreme, it was very

21:00

explosive. And , uh,

21:02

so I set a very, very clear boundary.

21:05

And I said, if you ever touch a hair on my head,

21:07

we're done, that's it, I'm leaving. And

21:09

I, I didn't have, I had social support.

21:12

I had a career. I , I was, I

21:14

was very independent. Um,

21:16

so I had those capabilities, which not

21:18

all women do. Um, but

21:21

I drew that line. And so when

21:23

I was in the hospital, the night that I was strangled

21:25

and, you know, we , we had been in a year

21:28

of counseling prior and

21:30

things were going great. And,

21:32

you know, we just didn't know what

21:34

we were dealing with. We didn't understand

21:37

how dangerous it could be. Um,

21:40

and so I think really

21:43

heartened to, to take

21:45

it seriously and to try

21:47

to view it from an objective point of view and

21:49

not from a context where

21:52

maybe violence is , um , normalized

21:55

or , um, you

21:57

know, more acceptable because of

21:59

, of the situation. So, and

22:01

that could be cultural, that could be , uh,

22:04

you know, the military ideals,

22:06

whatever it is. Um, so that's,

22:08

that's really where it stood out for me, that

22:10

stigma plays such a huge role.

22:13

Yeah and I think it's different, you know, as you said, I think

22:15

with someone who's coming back

22:17

from a traumatized, extremely traumatized situation

22:19

back into a relationship , um

22:21

, and then there's those instances where,

22:24

you know, stigma around cultural stigma

22:26

still exists as well. And I know in New

22:29

Jersey , um, you know, it's , uh, it

22:31

varies in terms of the different cultures and

22:33

what they encounter and a lot of it.

22:36

And when I found , um , Joelle, I

22:38

don't know if you've seen this and in safe

22:40

and sound is, you know, people struggle

22:42

to call the police or to call for

22:44

help from someone who may not

22:46

be a family member. Um, you know,

22:48

and I think that it's important , uh

22:50

, for our viewers to understand, but that's not

22:52

the only channel to request

22:54

help. Right. Um, maybe talk a little

22:57

bit about what are those channels

22:59

of , of , um, help that they can reach out

23:01

to and what are the best ways to

23:03

sort of engage so that they can do it in a safe

23:05

way.

23:07

Absolutely. So the one thing

23:09

we want to stress to people is that you don't

23:11

have to be ready to leave a relationship,

23:13

to get help, to access help.

23:15

Right. Um, you

23:18

know, so what we recommend is the

23:20

hotlines, the domestic violence hotlines

23:23

is that , um, you

23:25

don't have to, again, be thinking about leaving

23:28

it. You don't have to be in a certain place in your relationship.

23:30

You're not required to call the police, but

23:32

what they do is they safety plan with you

23:35

and they create customized safety

23:37

plans that address those individualized

23:40

concerns. Um, I know when

23:42

we have people that safety plan with us, if they don't

23:44

feel safe calling the, we have come up with other

23:46

options, who can you call, who are some safe

23:48

people you can call , um, if

23:50

you're not ready to leave the relationship, how

23:52

do you stay safe while you're in the relationship?

23:55

What are some safety tactics while you're arguing?

23:58

Um, you know, part of that is emotional

24:00

safety finding people that you can talk

24:03

to about this that may

24:05

not be giving you some of that push back that you're

24:07

scared of, or, or have experienced

24:09

before. That's all part of the safety

24:12

planning. And so, as I mentioned before

24:14

, most counties , um , and across the country,

24:16

some counties combined, but most counties

24:18

have their own domestic violence agency. If

24:21

you're not sure what your local one is, you

24:23

can call the national domestic violence

24:25

hotline. I have that number it's

24:28

1-800-799-SAFE. And

24:31

, um , they will provide

24:34

some of that immediate support information

24:36

, um , the individualized safety planning,

24:38

but they can also get you connected with your local

24:41

organization for additional services.

24:44

And like I said, at least with our organization,

24:46

I know a lot of other DV organizations, there's

24:48

no requirements in terms of having to have

24:50

a restraining order or anything like that. Um,

24:53

you know, no matter where you are on

24:55

your journey to safety and healing , uh,

24:58

there are resources available.

24:59

Thank you

25:01

so much, Joelle. I think it's important for everyone

25:03

to recognize that there are organizations

25:06

like safe and sound here in New

25:08

Jersey there's organizations all over the

25:11

United States. And, you know, I will say

25:13

then the phone numbers, the links and

25:15

everything we talking about here will be included

25:17

in the video when we do publish this out to

25:19

you guys. But I do want to make sure

25:21

that I get a better sense of,

25:24

you know, in, in the context

25:26

of the different States

25:28

, um, and, and Sweta I'll

25:30

go to you for this one, you know,

25:32

for the different States, there's different

25:35

procedures. You know, if there was an instance where

25:37

I, I read from somewhere and heard

25:39

from another person that, you know, a potential

25:42

way to reach out for help could be a

25:44

medical professional. Um, can you

25:46

talk a little bit about, you know, how

25:48

, um, our medical professionals like

25:50

doctors, primary physicians, pediatric

25:53

physicians , um, how they can really

25:55

play a part in helping

25:57

individuals with abuse?

25:59

Sure, sure. So I can give you some

26:01

examples of , uh , of my

26:03

client interactions . I've had clients

26:07

where they have been , uh, you

26:09

know, referred by their medical professional , that they

26:11

have this disclosed to them that now they're going

26:13

through this abuse. And , uh

26:15

, they have reported , I had them report

26:17

, um, uh , like maybe

26:19

it just like placing a simple flow to psyche

26:22

and, you know, telling them we're connecting the survivor

26:24

to our office. So that's

26:26

where, you know, we get the information about

26:28

these clients and they call them again, as Jill

26:31

said, we had them with safety planning

26:33

and, you know, connect them with financial resources.

26:36

Um, you know, we have pediatricians who're connected

26:38

with our organization who called

26:40

us because you know the mother is close to them.

26:42

They know what they're going through? Or lawyers

26:45

have , there's been , you know, mothers are survivors

26:48

was going and interacting them, you know , seeking

26:51

legal help, and they need resources

26:54

to get out of this difficult situation.

26:56

And we connect them through the legal organization

26:59

. So I think the first part is

27:01

, uh , you know, the start of the conversation

27:04

is like breaking the silence, disclosing it to some

27:06

trusted person, identifying a trusted

27:09

person in your community

27:11

or in your friend circle or in your family.

27:14

You know, it doesn't have to be one person.

27:17

If one person doesn't work out, go to the next

27:19

person. You know, I , when I was working

27:21

with children who were in an abuse situation,

27:23

I used to tell them that identify five adults or

27:26

more one doesn't have like go

27:28

to the next one. So identifying

27:31

that person is very, is

27:34

very significant because they

27:36

can give you access to see a safe phone

27:38

during a crisis, and that can give you the immediate

27:40

help. So yes, you can like , um

27:42

, you know , um, maybe

27:45

a medical professional or a legal professional

27:47

or your family member or a friend

27:51

talking about the abuse or

27:53

your experience is to start. Definitely.

27:56

You know, I, I did research a little bit in Chicago.

27:59

Uh , there's actually a great program that

28:01

goes through and trains hairstylists

28:03

and aestheticians that do facials

28:05

and, you know , um, I know

28:08

my, my hairdresser that

28:10

I go to, which I don't go very often, but

28:12

she knows me really well. And so

28:14

I can open up about things that I normally

28:16

wouldn't. I know it's not exactly the most

28:18

safe environment to be talking about these things that

28:20

people won't feel comfortable, but, you know,

28:22

to point out what Sweta was saying in terms

28:25

of the physicians and safety planning, as well as

28:27

Joelle , um, you know, safety plans

28:29

are intended to give you the sense

28:31

of safety, right? The intent

28:33

of them is to make sure that, you know,

28:35

what steps need to be taken and

28:37

what steps will be taken to make sure that

28:39

you are actually going to get to a safe environment

28:42

or someone, you know , um, and a large

28:44

part of why we're doing this , uh

28:46

, session and to kick it off.

28:49

You know, the reason is we need to raise

28:51

awareness of what you can really

28:53

do about these situations. If you know,

28:55

someone who's facing it or you yourself are facing

28:57

it. So having said that,

28:59

I think what I'll do is I'll go around and just do

29:02

a quick set of final thoughts that

29:04

you want to leave viewers with. Um, in

29:06

terms of things, to look out for anything

29:09

that you'd like to add to what we've already talked about,

29:11

why don't we start with your well, and then we'll go to Sweta,

29:14

Hiral and then Lise.

29:16

Yeah. I just want to sum up that

29:19

as all of you have been saying really

29:21

well it's that we all play

29:23

a role in ending this , um

29:25

, stigma can, as we've been talking

29:27

about can play a big role in

29:29

a lot of different ways. And so one of the

29:31

best ways that you can help

29:34

with this topic is just talking about it,

29:36

talking about it to friends, mention it, sharing

29:39

articles , um, because

29:41

first Of all, it brings awareness. Um,

29:43

it makes it more likely that the people who

29:46

need services will get the information

29:48

they need, unfortunately, with COVID.

29:50

Um, it has been harder for people to

29:53

get access to that information. And

29:55

so by helping to share it , um, you're,

29:57

you're making awareness more possible.

30:00

But the other thing you're doing is you're establishing

30:02

yourself as a safe person to talk

30:04

about this topic, you know, by spreading

30:06

awareness, by making this an issue you care

30:08

about , um, you make it easier

30:10

for people who know you to reach out to

30:12

you, if you need help and then you can connect them to

30:15

service. So thank you so much for listening.

30:17

This is, this has been a lot of fun.

30:19

Thanks for being here, Joelle. Sweta?

30:23

Um, so I think domestic violence

30:25

is a horrendous crime and , um

30:28

, I think the first step

30:30

of breaking the cycle of violence is

30:32

talking about it. And as

30:34

Joelle said, like spreading awareness by, you

30:36

know , talking about it, talking about your experience,

30:38

or if you have the knowledge, the safety

30:41

information, sharing it with a person who

30:43

you think might be going through an

30:45

abuse situation , um, in that that

30:47

helps a lot , um,

30:50

you know, to some of , uh , some at all, like thank

30:52

you for, thank you all for sharing your stories.

30:55

Um, it has been a really helpful

30:57

for me and for the viewers

30:59

to understand the abuse. And

31:01

I think that's how we , um , start

31:04

to break the cycle of violence. Right. And so

31:06

thank you for your commitment and your passion.

31:08

I agree. You know, I think the one thing that really

31:10

struck me in here as I go to you

31:13

with this is because, you know,

31:15

I think people also have this perception

31:18

that domestic violence

31:20

is, is, you know, not something that I

31:22

will ever encounter, you know, being professional

31:25

and, you know, I've, I'm an educated

31:27

woman that this will never happen to me. Um,

31:30

and I think it's, it's refreshing,

31:32

but also alarming to hear

31:35

that , um, you know, that you're one

31:37

out of the situation that you were in. Um,

31:39

but also the fact that there

31:42

is no race, creed, gender,

31:45

social status that is unaffected

31:48

by this. And I think it's important for us as

31:50

we start to talk about , um,

31:53

you know, domestic abuse and what you can do

31:55

and how you can actually reach out for help, that

31:58

it isn't something you should

32:00

be embarrassed about. It isn't something

32:03

that you should hold back from

32:05

asking for help. And it starts with just

32:07

a conversation and it could be as simple as

32:09

posting an anonymous question on a support

32:11

group. Um, you know, we have a lot

32:13

of mommy groups and, you know, local

32:16

selling sites that we have that, you

32:18

know, in Hillsborough , I go into the , the swap

32:20

and sell site. And sometimes there's people that

32:23

are posting things on there, but, you know , you could

32:25

just post an anonymous question, reach out to the

32:27

administrator of that group and see if they'll do it.

32:30

Um, and you know, I've noticed that people

32:32

do that, right? So here, I think

32:34

what I'd love to hear from you is just

32:36

what are some parting thoughts? Um,

32:38

you, I know being in South Asian community,

32:41

there's, there's several, several

32:43

different layers of stigma around what

32:46

we face as far as domestic abuse is concerned.

32:48

Can you maybe provide some of your last thoughts

32:50

around this?

32:51

Yeah, I think , um, one of the things

32:53

that I would, you know, looking back, like I

32:55

said, hindsight is always 2020,

32:58

but looking back, like if something doesn't feel

33:00

right, follow your gut.

33:04

Um, the other piece of advice and I was

33:06

guilty of it was staying in event

33:09

situations because of the kids. That's

33:12

never a good thing. I think, you know,

33:14

I realized after the fact that I am a better

33:17

parent, when I'm happy,

33:19

you know , I don't have that

33:22

baggage with me. Um

33:24

, the other thing, you know, don't be afraid

33:26

to ask for help. You know, we

33:28

have so many resources, like all

33:31

of the groups that are represented here, but even

33:34

megs . And I met on a social media

33:36

site on Facebook. I

33:38

mean, granted, I had already gone through my issues

33:41

at that point, but my philosophy

33:43

has always been if I can help one person

33:46

then , but I've gone through, but

33:48

go on these sites find the support. And

33:50

I really wish that the fight that I've been on

33:52

was there when I was going through my issues, we

33:55

have technology available. The

33:57

thing that I used was J

34:00

offered and I'm sure a lot of other companies offer

34:03

also it's called the employee assistance program

34:05

. So I called

34:07

EAP. And it's funny when I got hired 20

34:09

years ago, I'm like never going to use

34:11

this, but I did.

34:13

And the counselor I had was fantastic.

34:17

And she's the one that helped me identify that

34:19

what I was going through was abuse . And

34:22

I even like challenged her. I'm like, I'm not hitting

34:25

me. I'm not being shoved. The

34:29

EAP was a fabulous resource.

34:33

Um, and don't be afraid to ask for help because

34:35

I know at least in my culture

34:37

going to a therapist is like, Oh

34:39

my goodness, what's wrong with you. Don't

34:42

be afraid to ask for help find

34:45

your support network, whether it's somebody that

34:47

you don't even know online to

34:49

find ways to be able to connect

34:51

with people, because, you know , once you find

34:54

that support network they're

34:56

there. And for me, like my support network,

34:59

I used to travel once a week while I was married.

35:02

That's where my office is in Philly. So

35:04

it was then and there where I was able to

35:06

talk to my brother, I

35:09

was able to talk to my closest

35:11

friends. So

35:13

find the people that you know, that are going to support

35:15

you and then are safe harbors for you to

35:17

talk about what you're going through.

35:20

Yep . Thanks, Hiral. Really appreciate

35:22

that. And I think you bring up a good

35:24

point is that, you know, when you,

35:26

when you can reach out and you

35:28

feel comfortable reaching out, you should reach

35:30

out. I think the comfort level is really what

35:33

drives us to a point where we don't.

35:35

And I think a lot of us, especially, you know,

35:37

as moms , You think

35:40

twice, three times, a hundred times before

35:42

you pull that trigger because your whole life

35:47

is gonna change. But unless you realize that yourself

35:49

and you know that that's the stuff

35:51

you need to take people around. You

35:53

can tell you that but you're not going to take

35:56

that step until you make that choice

35:58

.

35:58

Yeah. And I think it's an intrinsic choice and I

36:01

almost, it's almost a societal culture,

36:04

a culture sort of upbringing

36:06

that we've all had, which is, you

36:08

know, make your marriage work.

36:11

Um, and you know, and I think to

36:13

Joelle's point, you don't always have to be in

36:15

a situation where you're ready to leave your marriage.

36:18

Right. I think a large part to

36:20

do with understanding who you

36:22

are, what you're comfortable with, because that

36:24

will actually help you in your journey

36:26

to recovery. Right. Um, and

36:28

you know, at times there are instances where

36:31

the spouse may not recognize that their actions are

36:33

abusive. And so having

36:35

the tools and working with therapists

36:38

and working with advocates that actually know

36:40

and have the know-how to

36:42

support you in doing that can actually

36:44

make a big difference as well. So , um,

36:47

I was just going to say, I think you bring up a good point.

36:50

Not everybody leaves their marriage,

36:52

but it's okay to recognize what's going

36:54

on and to maybe have or seek

36:56

couples counseling. Yes. It's

36:59

always an option.

36:59

Lise are

37:02

your, are your audio situations resolved?

37:06

Nope. Still nothing. Well,

37:08

I, I will , uh,

37:12

you know, the , the beauty of zoom

37:14

is that it's great to connect with people remotely,

37:16

but then the audio video

37:19

challenges around it are always , uh,

37:21

always fun to overcome. But first of all,

37:23

I want to thank each and every one of you, I think

37:26

this has been a very informative session

37:28

and I'm hoping that our viewers can really

37:30

take what you've said and either

37:32

pull themselves out of situations that are

37:34

abusive or help friends and family

37:36

that might be going through it. So thank

37:38

you again for taking time to talk

37:41

to me and joining me in this chat

37:43

and chai session, I am really excited

37:45

about , um, you know, how,

37:47

how we can all work together to

37:49

create that parasol of protection , um,

37:52

for those individuals that are encountering it. So

37:54

thank you again.