0:00

Listening to the Queen's Code, men

0:02

can find out what

0:05

is causing women to emasculate men

0:08

and understand it, even

0:10

see it while it's happening and not

0:13

fold to it. And

0:15

men get to find out how honorable their

0:17

motivations are,

0:19

how much sense their motivations make.

0:22

And so both of these can add

0:24

up to men becoming impervious

0:27

to being emasculated, which

0:29

is possible

0:31

to just

0:33

not let it in. Hello,

0:38

everybody. You are listening to Chatting with

0:41

Candice. I'm your host, Candice Horbach.

0:43

This week we have a guest that I

0:46

am thrilled to have on. We have Alison

0:49

Armstrong. She is the author of The Queen's

0:51

Code, a book that I cannot

0:53

recommend enough for

0:56

men and women. It is extremely beneficial.

0:58

It will change your life, and that is

1:00

not an over-exaggeration. It has changed my marriage.

1:03

It has changed the way that I see and

1:05

interface with the world, especially with

1:07

men, especially

1:08

old storylines that I

1:10

used to have that I didn't even realize were

1:12

operating. It is

1:15

such a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

1:17

book. Alison Armstrong is

1:19

the CEO and co-founder of PAX Programs,

1:21

Inc. She's the designer of a widely

1:24

acclaimed program called Celebrating Men

1:26

and Satisfying Women. I will

1:28

link all of her resources below. Before

1:31

we hop into this conversation, I wanted

1:34

to do some quick shout-outs, some big thank

1:36

yous to everyone that has bought some

1:38

cups of coffee on Buy Me a Coffee.

1:41

Thank you so much for Paul Frederick,

1:44

to Dale, to Paul again,

1:47

to Roger, to Paul

1:49

again, to Peter,

1:51

and to Paul again. I should

1:54

be caught up. That is all of the donations

1:56

for the last couple of weeks.

1:58

Thank you very much. If you want

1:59

want to contribute to the podcast, you can

2:02

go to trainingwithkandice.com and click that link

2:04

that says buy me a coffee or you can sign up

2:06

for the Patreon account where you will get early access

2:08

to episodes, little sneak peeks at

2:10

the up and coming guests and then the potential to

2:13

ask questions that will show up

2:15

in the interview. So without further

2:17

ado, please help me welcome Allison

2:20

Armstrong.

2:21

Allison, thank you so very

2:23

much for being here. Your book,

2:26

The Queen's Code,

2:27

fell in to my lap. One of my best

2:30

friends just gave it to me. I was on this,

2:32

I kind of like explore

2:34

topics pretty deeply and then move on and

2:37

a lot of it's for the podcast or just self-interest

2:39

and she's like, I really think you would love this

2:41

book. And I feel like I got

2:43

it 15 years too late and what

2:46

a difference it would have made if I was a young

2:48

woman that had all of this material. So I

2:50

feel like I am not overstating

2:53

this, but your work changed my

2:55

life and changed my marriage. So thank you so very

2:57

much.

2:57

You're welcome and

3:01

good job because you had to do all the changing.

3:04

I know I didn't do that

3:06

part for you. No,

3:08

but I guess information gets presented

3:10

to you when you're ready to receive it and

3:13

then some of it, it's

3:15

like you can feel almost you pressing

3:17

on certain wounds and then I can

3:20

decide to be honest

3:22

with myself and evaluate

3:24

how I would like to transmute

3:26

those and kind of elevate myself and

3:28

my conscious awareness and my relationships

3:31

or I can deny them entirely and continue

3:33

on the path that I've been on for 30 plus years.

3:37

Or just kind of go, okay, soon,

3:40

it'll be your turn soon. But right now, we're

3:42

not getting into that

3:44

right now. That's

3:46

great. It took me 15

3:47

years to learn

3:49

what I needed to learn for the Queen's

3:52

Code. So I'm sorry that that

3:54

probably affected your 15 years because we

3:58

didn't publish it until 2012.

3:59

And I started

4:02

studying men in 1991. By 1995, I knew I didn't know

4:05

enough to be able to write the book. And

4:10

so we started our workshops

4:12

so our students could teach me what I needed to

4:14

know. And

4:16

I didn't know it was going to take 15 years before

4:18

I could start writing

4:20

it. And I'm sure

4:22

there's always more to learn. Oh my

4:25

gosh. I haven't, I

4:27

haven't stopped. And

4:29

I haven't even slowed.

4:32

When my husband died four years ago,

4:35

and I was unexpected,

4:38

and I, my

4:41

first reaction was like, I don't ever

4:43

want to be in a romantic relationship

4:45

again, because I'm not going to settle for less

4:47

than partnership. And I know how much work

4:50

that takes. So maybe I'll

4:53

just have a lover. That's

4:56

just a lover once a month for 24 hours. That

4:59

ought to do. And

5:01

then when I met, I met somebody

5:04

special and I realized, oh, this

5:06

could be worth it. And

5:09

then that didn't turn out. I went back to, I just

5:11

want to love her. And then I met Dan

5:13

three years ago and like,

5:15

okay, this is worth it. This,

5:18

he's worth it. He's

5:20

worth what it takes to do this. And

5:23

my students love it because it

5:25

may be suddenly single

5:27

had, I literally

5:30

had to relearn everything that I'd

5:32

learned about men since 1991

5:34

because the application was so different

5:37

than in an almost 30 year of relationship.

5:40

Do you know? I

5:42

met Greg a couple of weeks after

5:44

I stopped emasculating men.

5:46

So he was my prime lab

5:48

rat. 27 years. But

5:53

yeah, anyhow, a lot

5:56

to play voice too. So happy

5:58

to talk

5:58

about that as well.

5:59

For sure. I want

6:02

to start with this concept of emasculating

6:05

men. And even in the book, it

6:08

gets as graphic as saying

6:10

castrating men, like the

6:13

extremity of that. And

6:16

I had a couple girlfriends visiting and it was

6:18

while I was reading this book and the one went to pick

6:20

it up. And she historically

6:23

is not the fondest of men. And

6:25

I was like, that's not a book for you. And she's

6:28

like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, if you're going

6:30

to read it, you have to make this commitment

6:32

to stop emasculating men. And

6:34

she's like, I don't do that. And I said,

6:37

listen, I'm only a few chapters

6:39

in and I realized that I do

6:41

it. If I'm doing it, you

6:43

absolutely are doing it. So yes,

6:46

you can read it. But like, don't go

6:48

past chapter three, unless you

6:50

are going to make this commitment. And she's

6:52

like, Oh, well, we'll see. And she's reading it.

6:54

I can just see like these kind of like aha

6:56

moments happening as she's reading. And she's like, wait,

6:59

I do do this. So for our listeners,

7:01

can you kind of describe what that looks

7:03

like? What that feels like? How we might be

7:05

doing it without realizing it? Yes,

7:09

I can. And

7:15

if we were going to group what I had to learn in those 15

7:17

years was one

7:20

set would be what

7:23

causes

7:25

us to have the impulse

7:27

or even a drive, even a campaign to

7:32

diminishment, to weaken

7:34

them, to take their power, to take

7:36

the wind out of their sails, to stop

7:38

them in their tracks. So

7:41

what causes it? Right? And

7:43

if you, if we were going to put it, just

7:46

categorize it, you could say

7:48

fear and frustration. So

7:50

frustration that we can't get what we need

7:52

from them, fear of how

7:55

big and strong they are and how

7:58

easily we're overpowered.

7:59

and how much were affected by them, none

8:02

of which they really understand very well.

8:05

So some combination

8:07

of fear and frustration will cause

8:10

us to diminish men.

8:12

And

8:14

even when we don't know it diminishes

8:16

them, like we try to change men's

8:18

behavior by criticizing

8:21

them.

8:22

And we usually in some form of, why

8:24

do you do that? Or,

8:26

you know, why didn't you do that, right?

8:28

So it's this

8:29

critical edge

8:31

calling them to a count. And

8:34

we do that because we don't know how

8:36

to change men. So we try

8:38

to change them the way you would change a woman.

8:40

If you said something like that to a woman, she'd

8:42

be all over it. She couldn't help it

8:44

because of the way that we're put together.

8:47

So

8:49

what has us do it? And

8:52

then all the ways that

8:54

we do it, all the ways that

8:56

we diminish men, and

8:59

one of the most important discoveries

9:03

actually came because of someone I was

9:05

leading a

9:05

private workshop for. The

9:08

whole group was giving up the right to emasculate

9:10

men forever.

9:12

And she was on stage with me, and she goes, well,

9:14

should we give up the right to emasculate

9:17

women?

9:19

And should we give up the right to emasculate ourselves?

9:22

And I had never thought

9:24

of it. And how

9:26

can I bring it up now is because, all

9:29

the ways we diminish men, we

9:31

also diminish women, and we diminish

9:34

ourselves. Like,

9:36

huge way that we

9:38

take power away or just, it's

9:40

like, don't ever give them any power is we

9:43

withhold. We withhold appreciation,

9:45

we withhold admiration, because

9:47

they're not perfect.

9:49

You have a lot of improvement to do before I'm an adult.

9:53

So appreciation, admiration,

9:55

even accountability,

9:57

we don't realize we will ask for it.

9:59

them to help us, but we

10:02

don't

10:03

want them to be in charge because we don't trust

10:05

them to do it right. And we don't know how much

10:07

it matters to them to be counted

10:09

on and what it means

10:12

to them and how many things they strive

10:14

to be counted on before. And

10:17

then the last thing, and this

10:20

showed up really early on,

10:22

I've been studying men for six months

10:26

when a woman I knew, her name is Ellen Hurst,

10:30

probably the only person that could have cut

10:32

through, right?

10:34

Like I'm thinking about how you're talking to your friend.

10:36

I'm like, dang, you're a good friend. You're

10:38

a good friend about that. But

10:41

she called me on the phone and said, we need to

10:44

talk. Said,

10:46

men are attracted to you like, like

10:48

bees to honey. But when you're done with them, it's

10:51

as if they've been with a

10:52

vampire. Wow.

10:54

She said that. And I like,

10:56

well, oh, me?

10:59

I'd been, I'd been learning a lot

11:01

in those six months.

11:03

And I

11:04

didn't realize I had been using it to

11:06

be an even better manipulator

11:08

of men.

11:09

Well, therefore more able

11:12

to diminish

11:12

them. She witnessed

11:15

it because I was engaged to a friend

11:17

of hers and had called it off. Huge

11:20

drama, right? And,

11:23

but when she asked me, she pointed out all

11:25

the way she'd seen me, cast straight

11:27

men. And she used that word. And as

11:29

she's pointed out, I was like, oh yeah, that was a good

11:31

one. Oh,

11:34

yeah, very effective. And

11:37

then because I didn't know, she was

11:39

going to say, okay, I want you to cut it out.

11:42

And

11:42

my reaction was like, Kimberly's in the Queens

11:44

code. Well, then how will I protect

11:46

myself? So

11:48

there are women

11:50

who justify, which is the third

11:52

category. So what causes

11:55

us to do it? How do we do it? And then how

11:57

do we justify doing

11:58

it? And

11:59

That was one of the things that I discovered

12:02

immediately after giving

12:04

up a mask rating on myself because

12:07

I couldn't

12:09

Tolerate being around women who were

12:12

doing it like once I saw the

12:14

the effect I couldn't stand it anymore

12:17

And so I started engaging with them individually

12:19

about not doing it and that's when I started

12:21

to hear the Justifications

12:24

like there was mine. Well, how will I protect myself?

12:27

They're bigger and stronger and they'll hurt me My

12:29

best friend who started our company

12:32

with me in 1995 hers was

12:36

They have too much power and they you they

12:38

abuse it

12:39

and that was her justification for taking

12:42

power My mother's justification

12:44

was they're stupid. They're so

12:47

stupid

12:51

And so

12:53

there's there are a lot of ways

12:55

that we justify that these people

12:59

deserve to be diminished and

13:02

For all the men who are listening.

13:04

I am

13:05

so sorry I'm

13:07

so sorry for that Because what

13:10

I had to learn myself

13:12

and then keep studying and teaching

13:14

and still do is

13:16

That most of how we justify

13:20

Our right

13:21

we really consider that we have the right to

13:24

diminish men Most of how

13:26

we justify it is based

13:28

upon our perception of

13:31

what they're doing and our interpretation

13:35

of their Motivations and intentions

13:38

in doing it so motivations

13:40

being ready to come from intentions

13:42

what they're trying to get to and We

13:45

interpret them through a filter

13:47

as you know of what it would mean if a

13:50

woman did that

13:51

And not only any woman, but what

13:53

would it mean if the perfect

13:56

woman did an

13:58

idealized own age

13:59

And

14:02

so all this curiosity that

14:04

showed up, right? I didn't mean

14:06

to study men for more than 30 years.

14:09

I thought it would take two or three months to learn

14:11

everything I needed to know. I just wanted

14:13

to know how was I bringing out the worst in them and

14:16

hoping I'd learn a little about how to bring out the

14:18

best.

14:19

But

14:21

as I, the more I learned about

14:23

them, the more I just, I've been fascinated

14:25

for more than three decades. I

14:28

still think, who are these people?

14:31

They have such

14:32

a different way of seeing the world

14:35

and their roles,

14:37

their duties, their

14:39

obligations.

14:42

What's great, their

14:44

definition of great, what that means.

14:47

I mean, it's just,

14:49

it's so different than as women

14:52

how we judge and what we

14:54

hold ourselves to account for. And

14:56

so that's how I've

14:58

seen all those mis,

15:00

all the misinterpretations. And

15:03

ages and ages ago, I wrote an article

15:05

called

15:05

Never

15:08

Be Ignored by a Man Again.

15:13

And as you

15:15

read the article and learn about single

15:17

focus,

15:18

women were finding out

15:20

they've actually never been

15:21

ignored ever. Unless that's

15:23

all a man was doing, was

15:27

actively ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ignore

15:30

her, ignore her. But because you don't

15:32

understand testosterone

15:33

and the effects on the brain

15:35

and the committed state of mind

15:38

that most men have, and

15:42

that the single focus, as soon as they commit, it

15:44

screens out everything irrelevant. They

15:46

were never ignoring us. They're

15:49

bringing it for them

15:52

so they could produce the result they're

15:54

committed to.

15:55

And it's been a lot like that, doing.

15:59

sort of

16:01

like your friend, right? Which I

16:03

love that story. Thank you so much for telling

16:05

it to me. You're welcome. Yeah,

16:07

it's just wonderful. One, that you would give

16:10

her a heads up and

16:12

that you didn't

16:15

pull your punches, right?

16:17

A lot of times you're going to try to soften

16:19

something so that they don't make, don't

16:21

upset anybody, but that you gave her

16:23

the straight move. Do you know

16:25

if I do it, you do it. And

16:28

don't go past that, just say if you're not willing to give it

16:30

up. And thank

16:31

you. And I just, oh

16:34

my gosh, it's so perfect. But

16:37

so oftentimes what I do now

16:39

before in the beginning, it was all

16:41

just sunshine and unicorns,

16:43

all the good news.

16:44

And, but then there were so many

16:47

women who were

16:48

just pissed

16:50

at men and righteous about it. And

16:52

they didn't want to have anything to do

16:54

with Allison and Sean. And

16:57

so I, but I was ready for

16:59

them. I'd been like in training and I could,

17:01

I could raffle that alligator,

17:03

right? I didn't just have to have the people

17:06

who are open, right? I didn't, they

17:08

didn't have to be open anymore. So I did things

17:10

like, like on a website, you can listen

17:12

to something called, why you can't trust

17:14

men to tell the truth. It's actually, it's

17:16

actually video. And when

17:19

I, when I came out with this event, why you can't

17:21

trust men to tell the truth, my graduate sites,

17:23

Allison, what

17:26

happened to you? Right? But it's like

17:28

never be ignored again. It has a, it

17:30

has a flip in it. It has a twist in it.

17:33

And something we don't tell, which we

17:35

probably should, called using

17:38

anger to get what you need. And

17:40

so it attracted all these women who either

17:42

wish they could use anger to get what they need,

17:45

or were using anger to get what they need.

17:47

And what's the bottom line? It doesn't work. And

17:50

it has very long term

17:53

effects that we don't

17:55

want. So it's

17:57

been such a journey.

18:01

So I wanted to get

18:02

into single focus versus

18:04

kind of, I forget how you

18:07

label it, but like just like diffused

18:09

focus or scattered focus. Diffused awareness.

18:12

Diffused awareness. This is no focus. No.

18:15

My husband has ADD and

18:18

then he's also a man. So

18:20

it's kind of like a double whammy when

18:22

it comes to like his

18:24

direction, his single focus, his

18:27

determinism. For a long time,

18:29

I would just get enraged

18:32

and again, anger doesn't work, right?

18:34

It's the quickest way for him to disconnect

18:36

and actually go more inward and then I feel

18:38

more ignored and then the cycle perpetuates.

18:41

And then when I got done with your book and I

18:43

understood that we just literally, we

18:46

see things differently, like the whole sock

18:48

on the floor and it's screaming at me and he just

18:50

steps over it, I would take it as a personal

18:52

insult. He's already doing something

18:54

else and that has nothing to do with his mission

18:57

and then add the ADD as this whole other

18:59

thing. Or if he's on his phone and

19:01

I come in and I interrupt him and I expect

19:04

he dropped the phone and immediately engaged

19:06

with me and that would be a thing. And then after

19:08

this book, I'm like, ah, it all makes so

19:10

much sense. Like I can choose

19:13

to wait till he's done with his task and

19:15

then approach it when he's available and then

19:17

I have his full undivided attention.

19:20

But if I go in when he's already in the middle of something,

19:22

well, he's already committed to that thing and

19:24

he's committed and he's determined. And he's not going

19:27

to stray that focus for

19:29

me. I'm now the interruption. And

19:31

then that's just an easy way to get rid of what

19:34

is a normal friction point

19:36

within the relationship. There's all these

19:38

little tools that you can have and understanding

19:40

that the male brain just functions

19:43

differently. In hindsight, duh,

19:45

this whole time I've been mad at my husband for not being

19:48

a perfect woman.

19:49

Of course. Yes.

19:51

Of course. Yes. And

19:53

if he really loved you, he'd try harder

19:54

to act like a perfect woman,

19:57

wouldn't he? Right. So

20:02

do you want me to unpack that a little bit? Yeah,

20:04

please. Okay, so

20:07

couple ways to think about it

20:10

that aren't in the crease code, because

20:13

I've kept studying

20:15

and kept developing and kept changing

20:17

the way I articulate

20:18

things so that people who

20:20

didn't relate

20:21

to the previous way, maybe they can relate to

20:23

this. So one

20:25

thing is if you think of it as a spectrum, right?

20:29

And on

20:32

one end of the spectrum is we would call single focus

20:35

and

20:37

you could call it absolute single focus

20:40

if you wanted to, or extreme

20:42

single focus is called autism.

20:45

And I read

20:46

an article about a woman who specializes

20:49

in getting jobs for

20:51

autistic people and

20:54

what the challenges are, what they

20:55

need in a job. And she

20:58

advocated that every TSA

21:01

scanner, luggage scanner should

21:03

be operated

21:05

by someone with autism because

21:08

they're never gonna break their focus. They're

21:10

never gonna miss

21:11

anything. Oh, wow. Yeah,

21:14

so we have extreme focus on one

21:16

end and then we have extreme diffuse

21:18

awareness on the other end. And

21:21

that

21:21

is estrogen causes

21:24

that in the brain. And

21:27

if you think about it, it says necessary

21:29

for survival. The

21:32

ability for a hunter to

21:34

track something down and kill

21:36

it and drag it home no matter what and

21:38

the ability of a gatherer to

21:40

go into a

21:41

meadow and be able

21:43

to just scan, just

21:46

not have to look at each and

21:48

everything like my son explained, you

21:51

know, he said, mom, my finder's broken.

21:53

I said, what do you mean? I

21:56

can't find things the way you do. He said, well,

21:58

how do you go about finding things?

22:00

And he goes, well, like if I

22:02

think it's in my room, first I

22:04

look on the bed and then I

22:07

look on the floor and then I look

22:09

on the shelf.

22:13

Not on the bed.

22:14

Not on that part of the floor. Not on that part of

22:16

the room, right? Not on the shelf. Where

22:18

does he use awareness? We would just

22:20

go, we would just scan,

22:22

it's not here.

22:24

Right? But it would pop out. Well,

22:26

that's perfect for a meadow. And you've got

22:28

to be able to efficiently identify

22:31

edible medicinal poisonings.

22:34

Useful. I could make something

22:36

out of that, right? You got to be able to do

22:38

that very quickly or you waste a lot

22:41

of time and energy. Right? Just

22:43

as if you're out hunting deer and you get distracted

22:45

by a rabbit. Don't get distracted by

22:48

a rabbit. Stay on the deer.

22:50

So you can think of it

22:53

like that, like hunting and gathering.

22:55

You can think

22:56

of it focused

22:59

and no focus, which creates

23:01

this whole other awareness and ability

23:03

to stay connected, for example.

23:06

And the way that we were so

23:08

empathic and we don't

23:10

really own it. Like we will

23:12

pick up on the mental, physical,

23:15

emotional, energetic states of anybody

23:17

in our environment. And sometimes they don't even

23:19

have to be in our environment. Right? So

23:22

you can think about it, hunting and gathering. You

23:24

can also think about it. And

23:26

I speak about this way because so many women

23:29

are in hunting mode for

23:32

so much of their time for all kinds

23:34

of good reasons. I think of it as a committed

23:37

state of mind

23:38

versus an open state of mind.

23:41

So what's

23:42

interesting is

23:43

when men are committed, get-or-done

23:46

kind of state of mind, it

23:48

causes us

23:50

to admire them, to be

23:52

sexually attracted to them, to

23:55

like these strengths, right? Like men

23:57

at work. It's hot, right?

24:00

But a man in an open state of mind

24:03

is when we're gonna fall in love with him. It's

24:06

when, yeah, it's when his

24:09

lack of a result to produce hasn't

24:12

be available to connect, hasn't

24:15

be available

24:15

to see us, right?

24:17

And we need to be seen. And

24:20

yeah, and even to share things about

24:22

himself that

24:24

he would never tell fellow

24:27

hunters, right? It

24:29

might lose

24:29

respect, right? Where instead in

24:31

this way it's creating connection and affinity.

24:34

So I

24:35

would imagine in you describing

24:38

your husband that

24:42

he can go to both places. And

24:46

what's

24:47

tricky is

24:49

being able

24:50

to tell how is he now.

24:54

And

24:55

my boyfriend, Dan,

24:56

is similar to how you're describing

24:59

your husband, but not

25:01

like ADD.

25:04

He doesn't even know many concussions

25:05

he had by the time he was 20 years

25:08

old, playing hockey since he was four,

25:11

right? And he had to,

25:13

like, he pays so much attention

25:15

to making his brain work. And

25:19

he wanted to

25:20

be better at remembering things.

25:23

She's better than

25:23

normal people. She works. I

25:25

said, do you know you overshot that?

25:27

But

25:30

what'll happen is that he'll,

25:33

like, he,

25:35

you know, how's your day going,

25:37

right?

25:37

And he'll say, oh, I saw

25:39

Susie so-and-so at the hardware store.

25:42

And then it's like in his brain, a file

25:44

opens up. Susie grew

25:47

up in Connecticut, and then she married

25:49

Dan, who's from Florida.

25:50

And it'll

25:53

be the entire

25:53

file.

25:55

And if I interrupt the

25:58

entire file, she...

25:59

Right? He gets

26:02

through and it's actually really gentle

26:04

about, I'm sorry to interrupt,

26:07

I'd love to know more about Susie and her entire family

26:09

and where all her children went to college later,

26:12

because he knows all of this. And

26:14

he'll apologize if he doesn't remember where

26:16

your kid went to college. I mean, it's stunning.

26:18

Wow. But yeah, but he, but

26:21

he'll get hooked by something, right?

26:23

And then the, you know, he's

26:25

open and connected to me and now he's

26:27

focused. So

26:30

I just had to learn to wait

26:33

or and be interested and curious.

26:36

He loves that I'll listen to this or

26:38

I'm sorry, I can't share that part right now.

26:40

I need the answer to this question

26:42

because it's happening in 60 seconds.

26:44

Oh, no,

26:46

I don't want

26:47

to do that. Yeah, I'll do

26:49

that. I can't, right? So it,

26:51

I love that you represent that

26:53

because there's so much

26:56

to learn and then there's training

26:59

ourselves to be able to tell. And it's

27:01

the same thing for men. Like

27:04

our,

27:04

we have an understanding women course on

27:07

Audible that

27:08

was produced in 2008. We

27:11

have an understanding

27:12

women course online as

27:14

part of our online curriculum that

27:17

came from revamping the whole course

27:19

in 2013 because the previous one just

27:23

represented women in gathering mode,

27:26

which meant that what I was teaching only works part

27:28

of the time. And

27:30

the understanding women online

27:33

talks about, right, if she's

27:35

hunting, this is what support

27:38

is like for her. If she's gathering

27:40

supports completely different,

27:43

right? And this is how she uses language.

27:45

If she's in a hunting state of

27:48

mind,

27:48

this is how she use language in a gathering

27:50

state of mind. This is how to support her in having

27:52

enough sex. If she's hunting,

27:54

do this. If she's gathering, do

27:57

this. And then, and then ultimately,

28:00

This is how you can tell which mode

28:02

she's in.

28:04

If she walks, yeah,

28:07

like you can tell by how a woman is walking.

28:10

If she, oh wow, yeah, if she's

28:12

walking on a

28:13

straight line,

28:15

right, and all her energy is going

28:17

forward, she's hunting something.

28:20

She's in a committed state of mind. She's

28:22

getting somewhere, get out

28:24

of the way or get behind her, but don't

28:26

step into that, right? If

28:29

she's in an open, diffuse, awareness state

28:31

of mind, the first thing that will

28:34

show up is her hips

28:35

will start to move.

28:37

Her body, and like,

28:40

yeah, it's inefficient.

28:43

We literally move in a way that's inefficient,

28:46

and we can go, oh, pick this

28:49

up, grab one of those, oh, I should

28:51

put that back in the bed, and we'll go out of our

28:53

way, we'll meander, right, and we'll end

28:55

up over here and over there, or

28:57

if you walk into a room and she doesn't look up,

29:00

she's focused. If you're

29:02

going to interrupt or apologize, sorry,

29:05

if she looks up and says, where's the

29:07

milk? She's focused. If

29:10

she looks up and goes, hi, honey,

29:13

she's in a digested state of mind, right? She's

29:15

in an open state of mind. So there's all

29:17

these

29:18

signs, we have to learn all these signs

29:20

for the mental state, or

29:23

we can get really

29:26

good on the other side of it, just saying

29:28

so.

29:29

Just telling.

29:31

I'm going to be focused for the next

29:33

four hours. Is there anything you need before I

29:35

go under? I won't be

29:37

available to support you, and I'm sorry for that,

29:39

honey. Yeah, my husband does that.

29:41

He's really good at that. Oh, yes. He

29:43

would walk out time where he's dedicated to the

29:46

office or phone calls or whatever project

29:48

he's working on. He's like, from this time to this

29:50

time, I'm unavailable, basically, unless it's an emergency.

29:53

That way, I can't be texting him and think he's ignoring

29:55

me, or it just creates a lot more

29:57

clarity within the relationship, which is huge.

30:01

So for young men, and

30:03

I ask this as a mom of two young

30:05

boys, and I think a lot of moms

30:08

of sons probably are wondering the same thing,

30:10

and a lot of young men are wondering the same thing, it's

30:13

how do you spot a queen?

30:15

How do you spot maybe self-actualized

30:18

as like too high of a pinnacle,

30:20

right? Like you're totally complete and maybe you don't

30:22

need someone complete because you're

30:24

not complete yet, right? So you want to like grow together,

30:27

but someone who is not going to

30:31

emasculate them, someone who's

30:33

in their feminine, who is open

30:35

to creating like a union, a

30:37

relationship, they're not trying to do that

30:41

girl bossing thing. There's this really,

30:43

really, really popular

30:45

interview that went viral with Cher, right?

30:47

And she talks about a conversation she

30:50

had with her mom. And she said, my mom

30:52

just wants me to settle down and marry

30:54

a rich man. And I told my mom, I

30:56

am a rich man. And I get

30:58

so frustrated because I'm like, you're

31:01

not in this idea that you

31:03

can complete all roles and functions

31:07

and that you're not a social creature

31:09

that needs social bonds to me is just

31:11

it's dishonest. So finding

31:14

someone that I think, I don't

31:16

know, is going to like add to their life,

31:18

right? And not be in competition with

31:20

them. And

31:21

that's a lot. Well,

31:25

so there's a quick

31:27

answer,

31:29

which because

31:30

of how perceptive men are,

31:34

they'll know within about 30 seconds.

31:37

Whoa, that fast. Yeah.

31:39

But then there's due

31:41

diligence, which

31:44

if

31:45

I learned one thing from coaching

31:47

couples and then becoming single,

31:49

we do

31:51

more due diligence on buying a house or business

31:54

than we do on who we say we're

31:56

going to spend the rest of

31:56

our life with. So

31:59

there's taking a time for due

32:02

diligence to see what happens

32:03

especially in distress because

32:06

that's

32:07

that's where the rubber meets the road and

32:11

so in that 30

32:13

seconds which

32:15

what Mena said is they know

32:17

in the first 30 seconds

32:18

who a woman could

32:20

be for them

32:22

doesn't mean she's gonna be won't pay it might

32:24

not pan out and the way they'll

32:26

say it is it didn't add up but

32:28

they'll know if she could be and

32:32

it has to do with

32:33

we wrote it I wrote a book well

32:35

actually I recorded a I

32:38

recorded a presentation and then translated

32:40

it into a book called Making Sense of Men

32:42

a woman's guide to

32:45

love care and affection from all men and

32:47

it has to do with the kinds

32:50

of attraction that people experience

32:53

and how a man will behave if he's

32:55

just what he would call physically attracted

32:57

to a woman which when a man says

33:00

that we think he's

33:02

talking about her body

33:04

that he's just attracted to her body

33:07

that's not what he's saying she's saying

33:09

the part of him that's attracted is

33:12

his body his

33:15

body wants to get some of that and there's

33:18

a whole mindset

33:22

and a set of behaviors

33:24

and possibilities that come with

33:27

physical attraction

33:28

and then

33:30

there's mental

33:31

emotional spiritual

33:34

attraction resonance right

33:36

there's all these other dimensions to who men are

33:39

and one of the biggest problems

33:42

that

33:43

women use to justify masculine

33:46

men is that instinctually

33:49

and culturally

33:52

we're compelled to appeal

33:54

to

33:55

physical attraction

33:57

we're compelled it

33:59

many women consider it their greatest power,

34:02

their greatest ability

34:05

to manipulate and control

34:06

men is that physical

34:09

attraction, that hunger, that

34:11

they'll do whatever they need to do to get to eat.

34:15

And unfortunately, they don't know that

34:18

by appealing to the most primitive part

34:20

of men, we're not

34:22

getting

34:24

everything about them that we would not only

34:27

admire and respect, but

34:29

be in wonder

34:30

about, that they could

34:33

be like that, that they could care that

34:35

much,

34:35

that they could spend that much

34:37

of their time and energy and resources for

34:40

us. But that comes

34:42

with being attracted

34:44

from

34:45

other dimensions.

34:47

And so in

34:49

those 30 seconds,

34:53

those are the things that if a man sees

34:56

those,

34:57

oh, this could be somebody. And

35:01

I'll just tell you what they are, those we

35:03

elaborate in the book. The first one is self-confidence.

35:07

Self-confidence is the most attractive

35:09

quality in a woman. The

35:11

second is authenticity.

35:14

And you can see if someone

35:16

doesn't have self-confidence, they're not gonna be authentic,

35:19

right? And men know that like

35:22

when a woman has the courage and

35:24

the self-knowledge to be direct,

35:26

to tell the truth, to say what matters to her. They

35:29

think that's so hot.

35:31

And it's practical, because then

35:33

they don't

35:35

have to guess, right? We so much conceal what

35:37

really matters to us because we're

35:38

afraid that we'll be rejected for it.

35:40

And so men are always guessing and they don't know how to produce

35:43

the results. So- And

35:45

then we get mad that they don't guess right. Exactly,

35:47

exactly.

35:50

And both men and women, I think it's just

35:52

ancient.

35:53

The

35:56

impulse isn't to ask

35:58

and to tell.

35:59

ask what do you need to ask is there

36:02

anything you need to give me what I need to

36:04

say I need this to

36:06

say this matters to me we

36:08

can feel all that stuff it's part of

36:10

the

36:11

assumption of an adversarial relationship

36:14

that it'll be used

36:15

against us so

36:17

yeah so that's why they see the courage

36:19

the courage to be

36:21

direct the courage to say what matters and

36:25

and then the third most attractive

36:27

is passion

36:29

so this is why men will say well I

36:31

need the woman I'm with to have something

36:34

in her life that's not me that

36:37

fills her up and

36:39

you know so this leads to this whole thing I've been

36:41

paying attention to since being

36:44

back in a romantic relationship of

36:47

overflowing swimming pools

36:49

that each of us we

36:51

live our

36:51

lives in a way that we're getting filled up

36:54

and then like

36:55

Dan and I overflow

36:57

towards each other

36:59

right and instead

37:01

of two half empty

37:02

swimming pools trying to fill themselves up from

37:05

the other you're sucking

37:07

the life out of me so so

37:10

having something that we're passionate about

37:12

and gives us that life and energy

37:14

is critical and then

37:16

the fourth most attractive without

37:19

which the whole thing falls apart

37:22

and literally men can tell

37:25

all of these

37:27

just by the look on our face

37:30

what our skin is doing and

37:33

the way that we're

37:34

moving our bodies and

37:36

the look in our eyes

37:37

so they can tell self-confidence they can

37:39

tell authenticity they can tell passion and

37:42

then the last

37:42

receptivity the

37:44

first three are all coming this way right

37:47

some confidence authenticity passion

37:50

the energy is going this way receptivity

37:53

is a space for their

37:56

energies it's an openness

37:58

to who they are

37:59

even curiosity,

38:02

which comes from the Greek word to care. So

38:05

it'll be a softness in our eyes.

38:08

It'll be a

38:09

radiance in our

38:11

skin, which is the kind of beauty

38:13

every woman can have, this radiance. And

38:17

so those are the things that

38:19

men can tell instantly.

38:23

Self-confidence, authenticity, passion,

38:25

receptivity, all qualities of

38:28

what you call the queen. But long-term,

38:31

one

38:32

of the easiest ways to think about

38:34

it, Candice, is that

38:36

a woman who's aware of the effect

38:41

that

38:42

she has by how she's

38:44

being. So

38:47

one way you can think of a woman

38:48

who's truly a queen is

38:51

she causes herself to

38:53

be, yeah, particular

38:55

qualities

38:56

that are her greatest values. And

38:59

she can be held to account

39:02

for being,

39:02

qualities

39:05

that you would call

39:06

greatness, expressions of greatness. She

39:09

can be held to account for being those

39:11

qualities, even under stress. And

39:13

that's what takes

39:14

the due diligence. So

39:16

what happens when,

39:19

what happens when we're our worst

39:21

selves?

39:23

Right, like it's the thing I tell all my

39:25

smart singles, you gotta do this long enough

39:28

until you see their worst

39:30

and know the effect that it has

39:32

on you. Can you

39:35

witness their worst, even have

39:38

it coming at you,

39:40

and not forget who they are?

39:44

So my husband used to say to me,

39:47

thank you for always remembering who I am.

39:50

And it

39:53

may not be nice, like with him, he

39:55

was

39:56

very self-deprecating, which

39:58

to me is just lying.

39:59

Right?

40:02

So he would be being

40:04

self-deprecating about it about

40:07

himself obviously self-deprecating and

40:09

I get so furious and

40:12

so actually I had an agreement I can

40:14

hang up on you when I'm gonna say

40:16

something mean because you're lying I

40:19

I'm gonna hang up on you instead of saying something mean

40:21

don't come after me. I've

40:24

got to hang up now. I was

40:24

protecting

40:27

him.

40:29

Like

40:29

to recover himself instead of smashing

40:32

him over the head for being full

40:34

of crap. I really like that

40:36

reframe of calling it lying. I think

40:38

that that just provides so much more

40:40

clarity on what we're actually doing to ourselves.

40:43

Something my husband does because I am also

40:45

very guilty of self-deprecating talk

40:47

and negative self-talk is when I get

40:49

into that loop he'll pattern interrupt

40:52

me so he'll interrupt me in the middle of me you

40:54

know going at myself and he'll be

40:56

like don't talk about my wife that way. Ah very

40:59

good. Yeah

40:59

like wow okay he's like

41:02

I wouldn't let

41:02

anyone else do it.

41:04

Yep so you don't do it either.

41:06

Yeah I have a friend. I'll say

41:08

please stop talking about my friend that way.

41:11

Yeah and there's something about this third person

41:14

right that gives you a

41:15

like enough space instead

41:17

of getting jammed more in. Yeah yeah.

41:20

Great. I love your

41:22

things. What is your husband's first name?

41:24

Eric.

41:25

Eric?

41:27

Yes. Awesome.

41:29

Good job. Yeah.

41:31

Yeah he's a great he's a great man. I'm very

41:33

very fortunate. I would

41:36

love to I have a quote

41:38

from one from your book from the queen's code

41:40

and it's on the topic of sex which

41:43

I think is very juicy and important

41:46

and very relevant to a lot of

41:48

popularized movements that I would love to get your

41:50

feedback on. So one of

41:52

them is sex is a vital

41:55

need and men will die without it and

41:57

then another part is sex is nourishing.

42:00

for a man, providing more than

42:03

any food or drink, it is

42:05

a reset and a chance to be free.

42:08

And I feel like both of those are so

42:10

powerful and it gives

42:14

a different perspective on sex and necessity

42:17

of it, how it contributes

42:19

to a relationship that it is providing.

42:23

And there's this new kind of popular movement

42:25

of what my interpretation is

42:27

of separating men from pleasure,

42:30

separating men from their

42:32

bodies, their natural sex

42:34

drive, where it's being reframed as

42:37

masturbation and sex is

42:40

detrimental to their mental health

42:42

and to their dopamine receptors, to

42:45

their creative energy, and that

42:47

every time that they orgasm, they are choosing

42:50

to take creative energy away from

42:52

a potential project and

42:54

wasting it essentially. And

42:57

to me, that doesn't make any sense because I

42:59

like to have a more abundant

43:01

mindset and I

43:04

don't know, I'm like, that is creative energy, and

43:06

it is so necessary and I agree with you, like

43:08

there's a lot of studies that show when men stop

43:11

having sex, their testosterone starts to plummet

43:14

and that is their life source. That's

43:16

what keeps them young, youthful, and vibrant.

43:19

So I am so curious on your interpretation

43:21

of that movement and why

43:24

sex is necessary.

43:26

Yeah, I know a man

43:29

who practices,

43:31

I

43:32

forget the word for it,

43:35

there's a term they use,

43:37

but he practices what you're talking about.

43:42

And we've had conversations

43:43

about it

43:46

and I

43:47

can see

43:50

part of what

43:52

he's working on is by not

43:55

being goal oriented with sensual

43:59

sexual interaction Because

44:02

he's taken climax off the table

44:05

and practice is not doing that that

44:08

it has him instead

44:10

pay more attention to sensuality and

44:13

connected and I

44:16

think that's super cool. I

44:20

Don't think you have to eliminate

44:22

Order

44:26

to have that

44:29

The

44:29

way I just I'm gonna make myself blush

44:33

Dad Dan cheeses he

44:36

picks up on words I use that that

44:39

Communicated

44:40

you know

44:43

and then he'll reuse them and so

44:48

For

44:48

the other day he said did that

44:50

qualify

44:51

as thoroughly?

44:56

Because

44:59

months ago I said I

45:02

want to make love thoroughly

45:03

Go

45:06

to the theme park I'm going all the right As

45:15

opposed to I just have time for the slide quick

45:20

And

45:20

and then like the the quote that

45:23

you pulled from the Queens code about

45:25

they'll die without it she's

45:28

referring to the awareness

45:30

of

45:31

of ourselves which is primal

45:34

of Are we reproducing?

45:38

and and

45:40

I talk about our instincts as procreate

45:43

them protect them provide and Procreate

45:47

Trump's protecting

45:47

this way we have to teach safe desks

45:50

and protecting Trump's

45:52

providing Which is

45:54

why? Emasculation is so detrimental

45:57

because when a woman

45:59

attacks a man, he

46:02

has to protect himself. Which

46:04

means he can't provide for her. He

46:06

retreats, if you imagine,

46:10

into protect from provide. And

46:13

even worse than that, protect himself from this

46:15

person. But procreate,

46:17

that energy, I think of

46:19

it as green. So green energy

46:22

isn't

46:22

just sex. It's

46:25

all creativity.

46:26

It's all,

46:30

it's part of building.

46:32

Providing is a lot of building too.

46:34

But it shows up in

46:36

entrepreneurship. It shows up in different

46:38

kinds of artistry and performance.

46:41

Not just in sex. So it's in the same

46:44

domain. But I love

46:46

the way that you said it about, you believe more in

46:48

abundance. Like there's an

46:50

scarcity

46:51

of creative energy that we

46:53

gotta make sure we don't spend some over here.

46:56

Cause I mean, it won't have it over there. And

47:00

like Mike talks about in that same chapter

47:02

in the Queens Code, there are times

47:05

when he doesn't want to have sex because

47:07

he doesn't wanna break his focus.

47:09

And

47:11

sex drive, right?

47:14

Can break

47:15

focus in the first place. Like,

47:18

I mean,

47:19

if a woman, if women just paid attention to

47:21

what we're like when we're ovulating.

47:25

Crouch watching,

47:27

right? When we're ovulating, when we are in

47:30

heat. That is the closest

47:33

we ever come to a man sex drives. But

47:36

he can have that kind of sex drive

47:37

like a young man. He can have that sex drive

47:40

three hours after he's had sex.

47:43

We can have a need that intense

47:45

and

47:46

be that distracted. So,

47:48

and I just like in

47:50

chapter five when Mike is sharing what

47:53

sex provides for him depending

47:55

on what's happening, because it does depend.

47:57

And if we just

47:59

had...

47:59

have, you know, go for home

48:02

plate sex all the time,

48:05

which some people don't know there's alternatives

48:08

to that. Right? There

48:10

aren't, unless you go looking for them, there aren't

48:13

movies that will

48:16

teach us

48:18

sensuality, right? That will teach us

48:21

to slow down. Or I, I always

48:23

refer people to the erotic

48:26

blueprints, Jaiya Love's work, which

48:28

is awesome for learning how to honor

48:30

ourselves, right? And then

48:32

honor others. I

48:35

think if a man doesn't want to have an orgasm,

48:36

okay,

48:38

I explained this to my friend that I talked to about

48:40

it. If you're interacting with a woman

48:43

who isn't practicing the same thing, she's

48:45

going to be having a primal reaction

48:46

that she didn't get the

48:49

part that she needed to get in order

48:51

to be safe.

48:52

Because we're at a very

48:55

primitive level, we believe that

48:57

men will protect the women they

48:59

have sex with.

49:00

That men will provide the women they have sex

49:03

with. We're sure, we're

49:05

not ever talking about or thinking about it, we're sure that that

49:08

works. It isn't. If

49:11

a woman, if a man is

49:13

attracted to a woman

49:14

in all those ways I was describing, and not

49:17

physically attracted,

49:19

he'll still be compelled to take care

49:21

of her.

49:22

There will be

49:24

an edge that's missing. That

49:26

physical

49:27

part creates

49:29

a kind of edge, a kind of

49:31

extra energy to be spent.

49:34

But it isn't everything.

49:36

And if it's the only thing, he has no compulsion to

49:38

take care of her. He's just compelled to take from

49:40

her.

49:41

Mm-hmm. That's interesting. Mm-hmm.

49:44

Yeah, which is why many women think men

49:46

are

49:47

pigs. They're horned dogs, and

49:50

they're pigs, and they're men who bought it. No,

49:53

we appeal to physical attraction,

49:56

and we get the results of physical attraction,

49:58

and we're pissed.

50:02

But we caused it. So I'm

50:04

constantly coaching women.

50:07

Do not lead with sex.

50:10

When I asked a panel men

50:12

once, how much skin

50:15

does a woman have to be showing to

50:17

remind you that her entire body

50:20

is covered by this delicious substance?

50:23

You went like this.

50:27

That's all. Because

50:31

our skin literally gives off

50:34

life force.

50:35

If we're in our bodies, a man touching

50:38

our skin, he will be revived

50:41

from touching our skin. I can't remember

50:43

the terminology for it. Maybe it's

50:45

like it's the process

50:47

of water kind of crystallizing

50:50

within the body. And they say

50:53

that after an orgasm, I think

50:55

they call it nesting, after an orgasm,

50:57

like a female orgasm, if that

51:00

whole cuddling, like post

51:03

intercourse, that her magnetic field

51:06

expands in such a way that it's actually

51:08

healing to the man's body and it

51:10

will actually get rid of toxins

51:13

and irregularities within crystalline

51:15

structures within his body, which is fascinating.

51:18

That is fascinating. I'm

51:21

surprised though. No,

51:23

I'm not either. So you talked about the skin

51:25

having that energy and that life force.

51:27

I'm like, oh my gosh, I've heard different variations

51:30

of that and they are studying it. It's

51:33

pretty magical. Wow. Part

51:35

of the field.

51:37

When I moved, Dan and

51:40

I were long distance from here and

51:43

then I moved to his city, it

51:47

was not good. It

51:50

was not good because I got more attention

51:52

to him when we would do the

51:54

long distance thing. And now that I

51:56

was,

51:57

you know, in his city and nearby.

52:00

his whole life, right? And everything

52:03

has to do to take care of his life that's going

52:05

on. And I got really

52:06

upset. I was like, I got more attention

52:09

from you.

52:10

But I live 260 miles away

52:13

than I do living 90 steps from

52:15

your back door.

52:19

However, I said it, some

52:21

way that I said it, in some way that I said what

52:23

I needed, she got it. And

52:26

he invented

52:29

something that he named Laydance. And

52:32

he's like, okay, this is what we're gonna do.

52:35

Every day,

52:37

we're

52:38

gonna lie down. Every

52:42

day we're gonna do that. So you tell me when

52:44

because your schedule's busier

52:46

than mine. And then I'll come over

52:48

to your house,

52:49

so you'll come over to mine and we'll lie

52:51

down. And we'll hold each

52:53

other. We'll cuddle. We might

52:55

get frisky, or maybe not. But

52:58

we'll just, we'll talk

52:59

and we'll listen and maybe we'll fall asleep.

53:02

But we're gonna do that every day no matter what.

53:04

And

53:05

I was stunned. Like, that

53:08

he was willing

53:10

to do that, right? This is kind of

53:12

like committed, right? Committed

53:13

to giving me the attention

53:15

that he got that I needed

53:17

it. Like, this is the care and tending of Alison.

53:21

And so many things have come out of it, Candace,

53:24

that are

53:25

just funny. Like, we

53:27

were out as moving manure

53:31

and he was doing some other kind

53:33

of dirt work and we were filthy.

53:36

And the plan was, you know, take a shower and

53:38

then we'll do a lie down. And

53:40

we were, but we were too tired

53:42

to take a shower. Our bodies just really

53:44

wanted to lie down. I'm like, well, I have a sheet

53:46

I can put on my bedspread.

53:48

So

53:50

we spread it out. We put it in my bedspread.

53:52

And we just, we just, we were dirty,

53:55

right? We were like, oh,

53:57

dirt bookers, you know, just, and

54:00

So we name that a dirty

54:02

down. You don't

54:04

have a dirty down, which of course everybody thinks is

54:06

something else. But

54:09

what

54:10

inevitably will lie

54:12

down, he'll

54:13

lift up his arm, I'll snuggle

54:15

into the pocket, and both of

54:18

us at the same time will go,

54:20

ahh. Right? And

54:22

there's just, there's something that happens in that

54:25

field, right? In that field

54:27

of being horizontal, being together, what you

54:29

were talking about, the crystal, the

54:32

aura, what happens. I

54:36

believe it.

54:37

Often he says, best part

54:40

of my whole day.

54:42

Oh, that's so beautiful.

54:44

Yes!

54:45

That's so beautiful. I love to

54:47

hear that. Yeah. Maybe

54:49

in a year and a half since he invented

54:51

it,

54:54

at the most

54:55

we missed

54:57

maybe a week's worth. Mm-hmm.

54:59

Because

55:01

of my schedule or because we were

55:03

sick, like we both had COVID this year. Yeah.

55:06

He's absolutely dedicated to it. What

55:09

time? What time for a lie down? So.

55:13

Yeah. If only more people would take the time

55:16

to curate their relationships,

55:18

right? To express their

55:20

needs, to come up with really creative

55:23

solutions to everyday problems

55:25

that end up being so fun and so

55:27

unique and just life-giving. I

55:30

want to be super mindful of your

55:32

time. So before we start

55:34

wrapping up, would you like to

55:36

give any piece of advice to any young

55:39

men or young women that are listening that maybe

55:41

haven't discovered your work yet? Hmm.

55:45

Well, I'm glad we talked

55:47

about self-deprecation

55:50

because too

55:51

many

55:53

men have

55:56

gotten enrolled

55:58

in women's conversation.

55:59

about who men are.

56:02

And even back in 1995

56:04

when we started the Celebrating Men had a

56:06

fine women workshop and

56:08

people asked you what do you do? It's like well they created

56:11

and lead something called Celebrating Men had assigned women

56:13

and I'd have men say celebrating

56:16

men what sort of celebrate about

56:19

men?

56:19

We're pigs.

56:21

And I just, oh right,

56:24

and there are

56:25

so many men who have

56:27

bought into the perception

56:31

of men that women

56:33

have as compared to a

56:35

perfect woman and the expectation

56:38

that they should act like a woman and they should already know what I

56:41

need. And they

56:43

bought into that they,

56:45

that their motivations are

56:48

not good,

56:50

right? That their motivations are their

56:53

pigs are primitive or horned dogs

56:55

or unevolved. They

56:57

believed it and

57:00

that's what I would say to all men,

57:03

don't believe it. And the Queen's

57:06

Code is becoming part of the men's

57:09

movement. And I wrote it to

57:11

transform the way women really is men.

57:15

But what men have told me about reading it is

57:18

they get to,

57:19

two things, really important things happen and listening

57:21

is better than reading by the way. We

57:24

released the audiobook last year and it's so

57:26

much more impactful. And

57:28

because it,

57:30

you can't filter, right? When we read

57:32

we're filtering and without

57:34

even knowing it like even the tone of voice

57:37

will infer, right,

57:40

a tone of voice by who we think men

57:42

are. And it was Candace Mama who pointed

57:44

this out to me. I know you're aware

57:47

of her that she didn't listen,

57:50

she didn't read the book to herself the way that

57:52

I read it to her. And,

57:54

but in listening to the Queen's

57:56

Code, men can

57:59

find out,

58:00

what is causing women to emasculate

58:02

men and

58:03

understand it, even see it

58:06

while it's happening and not

58:08

fold to it. And

58:10

men get to find out how honorable their

58:12

motivations are,

58:15

how much sense

58:15

their motivations make. And

58:17

so both of these

58:19

can add up to men becoming

58:21

impervious to being emasculated,

58:24

which is possible

58:26

to just not

58:29

let it in, not

58:32

collapse to it, not buy into

58:34

it, which,

58:35

oh my gosh, when my son

58:37

took it on, he was about 27, I think,

58:39

or less, maybe 25,

58:43

when he took on not letting women emasculate

58:45

him anymore.

58:49

I love to hear

58:51

that. Yeah, now I knew he was going

58:53

to be all right. It

58:56

didn't matter. I didn't

58:58

have to get a hold of every woman he might possibly

59:00

interact with and cure her. Yeah.

59:04

I plan on ordering several copies

59:07

of your book, and then as my boys start dating,

59:09

handing it out to these young

59:11

girls, they're like, this is an excellent read. It will serve

59:14

you well on your journey to

59:16

womanhood. Please read it. Yeah,

59:18

it's

59:18

great.

59:20

Yeah, this is incredible. Can you

59:22

please tell the listeners where they can follow you, how

59:24

they can support you, any programs

59:26

that you're offering, websites, all that good

59:28

stuff? Yeah.

59:31

So at alisonarmshung.com

59:33

is our entire online

59:35

curriculum. Everything that I've

59:38

produced since 2006

59:41

is at alisonarmshung.com. There's

59:43

a bunch of stuff on Audible that's still valid,

59:47

and that's why it's still there, but

59:49

it's all older. And I'm

59:52

doing an event in Los Angeles

59:55

at the end of October. I'm really

59:57

excited about this online prerequisites,

59:59

but those

59:59

are all part of the tuition. And

1:00:03

yeah, I mean, when you've been to

1:00:05

our website, we've got free stuff, we've got

1:00:07

all these things that people can partake in, depending

1:00:11

on their budget, how much money you want to spend.

1:00:13

You want to spend 10 bucks? You want

1:00:15

to spend 10,000 bucks?

1:00:16

I have something for you.

1:00:20

Absolutely incredible. This was

1:00:22

amazing. Thank you so very much. And I

1:00:24

will make sure that I link all of that below for

1:00:26

everybody. Beautiful.

1:00:28

Thanks, Candice.

1:00:30

You're very welcome.

1:00:32

And that's it for this week's episode of Chatting

1:00:34

with Candice. Before you go, if you could leave a

1:00:36

five star review, that would be super helpful. That helps

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1:01:04

week. Bye, everybody.