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This. Episode is brought to you by: Splash

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to enjoy. Fine Splash Refresher today on Amazon

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and in the car or at your local

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Walmart. Sam's. Club or Kroger. Hello

0:36

and welcome to Childproof by Petches Media.

0:39

I'm Tori Phantom and she's Mama Cusses.

0:41

This episode is dedicated to all the parents

0:44

who have nothing below hip level in their

0:46

houses. Just bare walls, empty shelves and cabinets,

0:48

because kids and to all

0:50

the parents, these kids have strange collections of strange

0:52

things and you don't understand them, but you definitely

0:55

found a piece of trash on the ground one

0:57

time and went, oh, my

0:59

kid can add that to their collection. Put the

1:01

trash in your pocket and took it home to

1:03

said kid. Have you

1:05

brought home trash to your kids? Not

1:08

trash, but a lot of rocks. It

1:10

might just be a chunk of cement. I don't know. She'll like

1:12

it. Today,

1:14

we are talking about zebras and

1:16

horses and kids. I

1:19

love zebras. Tell me more. First,

1:21

let's start the timer. Okay,

1:24

so today we're going to talk

1:26

about doing things the easy way,

1:28

not lowering your expectations. Just Occam's

1:31

razor of parenting. Yeah,

1:35

yeah, that's an important one. Occam's

1:37

razor, if you don't know, is if

1:40

you are presented with two options, the

1:42

simplest answer is likely

1:45

the best solution. So it's like

1:47

if you hear hoof beats, it's

1:49

safe to assume that it's horses,

1:51

not zebras. That's

1:54

also true for parenting. The

1:56

galloping herd that you hear running at

1:58

you, it's probably... It could be zebras, you're

2:01

right. There is a

2:03

chance that zebras are running to trample

2:05

you, but it's probably horses. Yeah,

2:09

there are so many points

2:12

at which, especially in

2:14

modern culture, where we've got this little box

2:16

in our hand that has all the answers

2:18

to every question that has ever been asked

2:21

by humankind ever. It's got

2:23

all of the questions ever asked and answers to

2:25

them, not all of which are true

2:28

or make sense or were. Or

2:30

are helpful. And

2:34

so we're presented with a problem in

2:36

parenting and we're like, oh, well, the

2:38

internet says to do this and

2:41

that's not working at all. And

2:43

that's the worst part too, is when we go

2:45

to the internet, how do I handle this problem?

2:48

Here are 17 different options. None of

2:50

them are the same and all of them say how

2:52

the other ones are wrong. Yeah,

2:54

and they all make sense too. As you're

2:57

reading through all of their justifications, they're like,

2:59

oh, well, the color green is superior, but

3:01

actually green is blue and yellow. So really

3:04

when you say green is superior, blue and

3:06

yellow is superior. So really yellow is a

3:08

superior because blue is. And you're like, oh,

3:10

no, all of those things make sense and I still

3:13

don't know what the best color for this. Can I

3:15

just like the rainbow? I don't know. My

3:17

daughter thinks you can. When you ask my youngest daughter,

3:20

what's her favorite color? She says all of them and

3:22

I've tried. Well, if you had to pick just one

3:24

of all of them, I wouldn't. Oh,

3:26

okay, well, a simple

3:28

solution, I guess. That's the easiest answer,

3:30

it's fine. And I think

3:32

we encounter this a lot too, especially as

3:35

new parents because suddenly

3:38

you have a living human that

3:40

can't do anything for itself and you

3:43

are now under the weight

3:45

of that pressure and you're making it worse

3:47

for yourself. Like that's part of it, that's part of

3:49

parenting. But here's the thing

3:51

that new parents are really good at,

3:53

that old parents, parents of older children

3:56

suck at, even though we used to be really good at

3:58

and it's the needs trifecta. That when our

4:01

babies. Are baby babies and. They

4:03

don't have any words and we haven't learned

4:05

what their cries mean because you know as

4:07

a parent, you eventually. Oh, that's the hungry

4:09

cry. Oh that tired grice. You learn that.

4:11

But there is a point where you're still

4:13

learning to speak that language. And so when

4:16

you baby starts cattermole and about stuff, you

4:18

run the needs. Trifecta: doesn't need to eat,

4:20

doesn't need to sleep, has a poop and

4:22

need to change, Yeah and.

4:24

You check those things first and then if those

4:26

things don't stop the screaming, then you start getting

4:28

more creative with the solutions. But. Then

4:30

at some point our kids learn to talk

4:33

and they learn to communicate and they start

4:35

telling us about their needs. but they're actually

4:37

really bad at identifying and understanding their only

4:39

six years it all back as had s

4:41

and that's the fun thing Psu is that

4:44

it's like yeah well when they're three four

4:46

years old they do have words now but

4:48

when they're upset they're not gonna use some

4:50

say he's not gonna use and so what

4:52

we as parents do as we still for

4:54

that to check the needs Trifecta. Are

4:57

the hungry or they over tired

4:59

or under stimulated? And have

5:01

they poop recently? Do they just need to go potty?

5:03

Have they been holding it for a really long time?

5:06

To the see. You. Need it The unit The Pope.

5:08

Using that to recognize their

5:10

deeds is a challenge and

5:12

a simple solution. The Big

5:14

As. If. They are just

5:17

so upset. At. Sitting: What? Are

5:19

you hungry? I don't know. Why

5:21

don't we try a snack Foods? You? could

5:23

you eat a snack right now? Let's see

5:26

if that helps. He says yes. Art: Are

5:28

you tired? I don't know what your eyes

5:30

they. they seem to have some bags airedale

5:32

A kind of tired. The thing is is

5:34

when they are so elevated even if we've

5:37

identified it. That doesn't mean they're okay with.

5:40

having a loser you know like they

5:42

wanted lad sometimes it's like okay but

5:44

also just here's a cookie let's get

5:46

your blood sugar up and see what

5:48

we should do from here know the

5:50

number of times i have gotten my

5:53

keen to stop keening so angrily at

5:55

me by just like claiming food down

5:57

or gullet are letting her take a

5:59

nap Problem solved. Whatever she was bitching

6:01

about, it's done. It's not a problem anymore. She

6:04

was just hungry. I accidentally

6:06

Pavlob my kids. Like,

6:09

you know, like Pavlob's dog, right? Like I did

6:11

and it's with water. So

6:14

I, because this has been one

6:16

of my easiest solutions that I've gone to from

6:18

the beginning is if they

6:20

are upset about anything, I

6:23

hear, have some water. Why? Because

6:26

if you are sobbing, you have to take

6:28

a breath so that you don't dump the

6:30

water all over yourself. And also,

6:33

the reason I did this is because

6:35

it's always a good thing to hydrate. Like, I

6:38

don't know when the last time you had a sip of

6:40

water is, you're like running all over the place. You're a

6:42

child. So here, have a sip of water. And

6:44

because of this, now if they're upset, if

6:46

they have a tummy ache, a headache, if

6:48

they're overwhelmed, like, can I have some water?

6:51

And they do it to me now. Like, if I'm upset about something,

6:53

they're like, do you have to drink some water? And

6:56

when you do that, though, when you take that moment and

6:58

have that sip of water, now we're a little bit more

7:01

rational because we had to take a breath. We had our

7:03

sip of water. And now we can talk about what's

7:05

going on. What is your need? What are

7:07

you feeling? Well, yeah,

7:10

it's the simplest solution. It

7:13

may not solve the problem, but that's

7:15

what Occam's razor is, is you start

7:17

with the simplest, easiest solutions and then

7:19

move to more creative solutions if

7:21

the previous ones didn't work. Things

7:23

like, here's, I struggled

7:25

with this so much when Abby was

7:28

a baby. She

7:30

was handsy and she was curious

7:32

and she got into everything, as

7:34

all babies do. I'm not describing my

7:37

unique child. I'm describing a baby. Right.

7:39

Right. And she would get

7:41

into some of the stuff. And when she

7:43

was real little, I had one of those

7:46

three bookcase things from the Walmart, the one

7:48

that like every millennial owned or still owns.

7:50

Or still owns. Yeah. And Abby loved messing

7:52

with it. Like just constantly. And I was

7:54

like, stop messing with that. That's not for

7:56

you. Little hands off. Stop messing with it.

8:00

And my mom was like, why don't

8:02

you just move those things or move

8:04

the shelf into your bedroom so

8:06

she can't get to it? I was like, no, she needs

8:08

to learn to resist temptation. Like she's

8:10

got to learn that some things are for her

8:12

and some things are not for her. So I'm

8:15

not gonna move. Spoken like

8:17

a new mom who is way ahead

8:19

of themselves. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

8:22

My mom was like, you're right. There is a

8:24

time to learn resisting temptation. I don't think that's

8:26

23 months old. That

8:29

might be premature. That's

8:31

like, I think one of the most exciting parents

8:33

of parenting when your kids are getting older

8:35

is when you realize you can like leave

8:38

decorations in their reach. I

8:41

have a breakable thing in my living room right now. It

8:43

just sits back. That is so impressive. This

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your subscription is active. I

11:23

have this cabinet that's in my bedroom that I

11:25

keep all of my valuables which are not valuable

11:27

to anyone else. There's not a monetary value there.

11:30

It's like where I collect all the things

11:32

from the people who died in my family.

11:34

It's not morbid at all. The closer you

11:37

get to your 40s, the more that cabinet gets fuller.

11:40

I have little things that I want to

11:43

keep nice. I don't want to lose

11:45

them. That's my cabinet and the kids like it

11:47

but they know. They are old enough now there's

11:49

a boundary but sometimes they'll ask, can I see

11:51

that? Can you tell me about that? I

11:53

love to share it. There

11:56

are two things in there. It's a pair of

11:58

metal beer that they can. After

12:00

to play with but they have to return

12:02

them in. The reason why was because they

12:04

were my grandmother's on her table and when

12:07

we were kids we all played with them,

12:09

see and sell because it's a memento, i

12:11

keep it away and because they're literally hunks

12:13

of metal in my kids cannot break from

12:15

Zoc on would. They.

12:19

Can play with them but but

12:21

it's. That. Is the easy. That was

12:23

the easiest solution for me. I have things

12:25

that are okay like if if you drop

12:27

that also that shelves in the bookshelf in

12:29

the living room I'll be happy about a

12:32

bit like you're old enough you'll put it

12:34

back. Yeah and then there's things are I'm

12:36

like this is to know you can't go

12:38

near the hat and so that was my

12:40

solution was there is this space that is

12:42

just off limits you know and didn't take

12:45

some conversations explain why and him remind yeah

12:47

it works It was an easy solution will

12:49

and as they get older and maybe maybe

12:51

not. In your cases, those my always

12:53

stay in your cereal of that dude

12:56

blades. there there are certain. Times when

12:58

you you get to serve reintroducing to them. Sometimes.

13:01

Are comes raiser for a hands he kid who

13:03

cannot stay out of the thing. They're not supposed

13:05

it's just a move it out of their reach.

13:08

Move. The dogs water bowls, you

13:10

know? Yet hi there

13:12

dear, Especially when are you talking

13:14

about really little ones like paddlers

13:17

out of sight. Out

13:19

of Mind works really good. Like they

13:21

can't throw a fit of out the

13:23

shiny glass memento they want to play

13:26

with them they can't see it. If

13:28

he. Didn't eat, just put it away for

13:30

awhile. And it's not bad parenting. Yeah, because

13:32

that's not a thing you can parent to

13:35

them at that age. you can tell them

13:37

but is akin to resonate as it really

13:39

gonna sink. And are they really going to

13:41

understand at that age? Probably not. It. And.

13:43

Sell by just moving it, you are

13:45

saving yourself having to constantly. Keep an

13:47

eye on him and you are also

13:50

not. Always. Frustrated or

13:52

having to redirect it or not feeling

13:54

like a failure like oh my god,

13:56

why can't I get my kid to

13:58

doing this? haven't moved to the

14:00

thing. That's how you get your kid to stop doing this. You move

14:02

the thing. And that's the thing

14:04

too is that when we talk about the best

14:08

solution often being the easiest one

14:11

and how just because someone on the Internet said this

14:13

is the best for them. It doesn't mean it's the

14:15

best for you and I think an

14:17

example of that too is when

14:20

your kids were babies. Did you use

14:22

a pacifier? Some of my kids used

14:24

a pacifier but not all of them. Was

14:26

it hard to have to wean them off

14:28

the passe? For my kid, no.

14:30

My kid just spit it out one day

14:32

and was like I'm done. Yeah and here's

14:35

the thing is I never used pacifiers and

14:37

so for some parents it was easier and

14:40

it's the best solution to use a pacifier

14:42

when their kids were babies. For me I

14:44

was like I was serious

14:46

about chest feeding and I read too

14:48

many books so I was like I

14:51

don't want to risk the pacifier like the confusion.

14:53

I was me about it. I overthought it, over

14:58

read about it and I was like I don't want to do that

15:00

but the other part of it was I

15:02

know some kids struggle with weaning off the pacifier so

15:05

it will be easiest for me if we just don't

15:07

have to do that. And so it

15:09

depends on who you are who your kids are

15:11

what's going to be easiest. So my

15:13

kid is now 16 years old. She

15:16

was born in 2007 and about 2008-2009 is when the Munchkin 360 cups debuted

15:23

and were all the rage on

15:25

the internet. Everyone was talking about how these

15:27

are and they still exist today. There's lots

15:29

of versions of them now but

15:32

it's the round cup that looks like a

15:34

regular cup but it's totally sealed on the

15:36

top and they put their lips on

15:38

it like they do an open cup and then

15:40

they suck on it like they do a sippy

15:43

and it's supposed to train them for how

15:45

to use an open cup but still be like

15:47

the super leak resistant of a sippy cup. Oh

15:49

wait I had to get one

15:51

of those too for the same reason you just unlocked

15:53

the memory. Yeah continue sorry. I had

15:55

to get one of those or my kid was never

15:58

going to drink from an open cup. It

16:01

didn't matter that this was fairly new development

16:03

and I learned to drink from an open

16:06

cup without it. Millions of

16:08

people learned to drink without using this

16:10

specific brand and style of cup. But

16:13

the internet told me that I had to do it. And so that

16:15

seemed like the solution. It didn't seem like

16:17

the simplest solution. It actually seemed like a

16:20

rather complicated solution because now I

16:22

had to get the cup, which were not cheap. Oh

16:24

my gosh, those things were so pricey back then. They're

16:27

not cheap now, but they're cheaper than they were. And

16:31

then I had to figure out how to take

16:33

apart the cup and then put the cup back

16:35

together. And then I had to get her to

16:37

use it. And Abby, god lover, could

16:39

not figure this shit

16:42

out. She

16:44

would put it up to her face and she would

16:47

put her mouth in the center of it, which is

16:49

not where the liquid comes out. Or she would put

16:52

her mouth on it and suck, but the cup was

16:54

still the wrong direction. She hadn't tipped

16:56

it. I couldn't figure it out. And I

16:58

was like, Oh my God, my kid's never going to. And

17:01

then one day I had an open

17:03

cup of thankfully water. I

17:05

had an open cup sitting on my thing and

17:07

she wanders over and she picks my cup up.

17:09

She puts it to her face and like the

17:11

world turns slow. I'm like, no, she's going

17:13

to dump it all over herself. I know

17:15

she is. She takes a sip, doesn't spill

17:17

a drop. Every bit of it in

17:20

her mouth sets the cup back down and then wanders off

17:22

to go two year old somewhere else. So

17:25

the simplest solution to teaching my kid to

17:27

using an open cup was just to hand

17:29

her an open cup. It's wild. I

17:34

remember getting like the fancy cups with my eldest and I

17:36

was like trying to find like the best cup. I

17:38

dumped so much money for no reason. And

17:40

what I learned was that the easiest solution for me when

17:42

it came to sippy cups was there

17:44

was, I think they're like the nubby, maybe,

17:46

I don't know. And they are

17:49

just the plastic, they're the hard plastic. And

17:52

on the inside, there's only just the one nozzle that

17:55

comes out to clean it. That was

17:57

the easiest solution for me because if the cup has 17

17:59

different parts and valves that I have

18:01

to clean individually, it is going

18:03

to end up in the trash when I forget

18:05

to clean it or don't feel like taking it

18:07

apart. Yeah, and those are always really expensive ones

18:09

and when you read the packaging or you read

18:12

the internet everything's like no gas

18:14

and leak proof and break resistant

18:16

and like they list all of these benefits

18:18

as to why you need this cup and

18:20

the simplest solution was still just the

18:22

cup you got for free at the barbeque place.

18:26

When you go to the do your

18:28

first baby registry and you're like

18:31

I clearly need one of everything I

18:33

need it all because it's all here so clearly

18:35

I need it all. Then for your sprinkle for

18:37

the second one you're like diapers. Diapers, just

18:39

diapers, diapers, diapers outfits I

18:41

guess in all different sizes but mostly just diapers

18:44

and wipes, diapers and wipes. This

18:46

is the brand I like diapers and wipes. It

18:49

just changes you're like I just need a place to set

18:51

the baby down sometimes that's it. But that's

18:53

part of parenting is that we

18:56

have to go through that to learn that

18:59

the easiest solution is often the best

19:01

solution and that not only for what

19:04

works for us but also learning what works for our

19:06

kids because yeah we have to teach our kids to

19:08

recognize what they're feeling and how

19:11

to solve their own problems. Like my kid

19:13

one time told me she was

19:15

very upset she goes I know I'm very tired and I

19:17

just need to go to sleep and I said oh I'm

19:19

so glad to know that you're recognizing that. She said but

19:21

I don't want to go to sleep. I have

19:24

identified the problem and the solution and I reject

19:26

it. I don't want to and so you know

19:28

I have I have different things for that. You

19:31

ever have like a kid who comes out and

19:33

they're like I can't sleep my response

19:35

is always you do have to be in bed for that. It

19:37

would be helpful if you were in bed if you wanted to

19:39

sleep. It's

19:42

recognizing that once you have more than one kid

19:45

the easiest solution for one would be

19:47

the hardest solution for the other. Absolutely

19:49

awful for the others. Yeah you have to

19:51

figure out who they are for where they're at

19:54

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19:57

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to improve we sign off with.

22:34

And sometimes. Our.

22:36

Kids are the asshole. Yeah, sometimes

22:38

it's us. This. And

22:40

you have to stop because sometimes

22:43

sometimes some time ago and we

22:45

are proud of sometimes the simplest

22:48

solution. Is for us to calm

22:50

the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, that's easier said

22:52

than done. Some bad as we all know

22:54

at. Recognizing in the

22:56

same way that we're trying to teach our kids

22:58

like you get to be in a bad mood,

23:01

you don't get to make it other people's problems

23:03

mean also have to live by that stand and

23:05

show them what that means. Edits: There

23:07

is a level of of self awareness

23:09

that can be really difficult if you

23:11

are really elevated. yeah ago I'm really

23:13

mad right now at all you did

23:16

was still some milk idea to take

23:18

a step back to the at only

23:20

did the about it you about this.

23:22

it was an accident sense well and

23:24

I get stuck in this loop where

23:26

I immediately do the things that I'm

23:28

supposed to do but then my brain

23:30

my evil slippery slimy brain is like

23:32

obe it's did around the first sense

23:35

because what this happened the other day.

23:37

My girl child is helping the load the

23:39

dishwasher and this is a new thing. For

23:41

her, she just figured out she's tall enough to reach

23:43

the. Kitchen think the she laws of getting

23:46

a brush and renting offered as I'm under

23:48

a false impression the skin last phase I'm

23:50

go enjoy it. When we're in this phase

23:52

she wants to do her own dishes and

23:54

put them in the dishwasher so. She went

23:56

someplace and she rents double and then she

23:58

wants to play the. I was like, all right,

24:01

put in the dishwasher and I opened it up for her and

24:03

she puts the plate in But when she

24:05

rinsed the plate a second time all the water

24:07

ran off the plate into the bowl So

24:10

when she picked the bowl up She

24:12

didn't realize there was water in it and she dumped

24:14

it and it did the thing where she dumped it

24:16

from apparently 12 feet Up, so everywhere

24:19

that splatter the splatters It's

24:22

on the counter. It's on the floor. It's and

24:24

there's probably like soapy residue in it Like it's

24:27

yeah, no, it's it's gross and it's oily and

24:29

it's everywhere Uh-huh, and my initial

24:31

was oh my goodness I'm

24:34

like, I really I got mad for a

24:36

millisecond and then immediately went not worth

24:38

being mad about Calm down. It was an

24:40

accident. It was a spill. You've done it.

24:42

You've dumped dirty dish water all over the thing

24:44

because you didn't see it Mm-hmm. No

24:46

big deal. All right, go grab a

24:48

go grab a rag and I try very

24:51

hard not to hide all of my emotions

24:53

I just want to communicate them. We can

24:55

feel frustrated and communicate and solve the problem

24:58

So i'm not sheltering my my

25:00

frustration. Oh, okay. Well, that was an

25:02

accident Go get a yellow rag and

25:04

we'll clean it up Yeah, that

25:06

was exactly how it was delivered and then my brain

25:09

went. Oh my god, you asshole You just got mad

25:11

at your kid for having an accident. How dare you

25:13

they're gonna need therapy. They're ruined You you fucked it

25:15

all up. That's not what happened. I

25:17

was a human who had a

25:19

human emotion a very practical and

25:21

reasonable response To a

25:23

mild inconvenience You're all

25:25

doing okay Yeah, but in

25:28

that case I was the asshole

25:30

times too I started to overreact but course

25:32

corrected and then I beat myself up for

25:34

having done exactly what I needed to do

25:36

and been a person Yes Yeah

25:39

And it's also in those moments where we

25:41

recognize like I just last week. I

25:44

did not sleep well, right? I

25:46

didn't I couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't stay asleep

25:48

I just I woke up to my alarm and

25:51

I was mad about it You

25:53

know every day. Yeah, and I Was

25:56

just I was trying so hard and I

25:58

was doing an okay job at not. The

26:00

not anyone else is problem Like I told the

26:02

kids immediately I was like listen. I'm

26:04

grumpy this morning and I are going to

26:06

do my best to not make that any

26:08

of your problems might buy it. You know

26:10

like a she was missing because obviously and

26:13

I wasn't. Yelling. At wasn't screaming

26:15

but I was sort the only now and

26:17

I was frustrated when I was communicate. it's

26:19

like it's like these two things were happening

26:21

at one for I was like why am

26:23

I behaving this way and like I don't

26:25

need to be mad and I'm like I'm

26:27

like I'm mad guide but I'm not mad

26:29

at you like I'm just having a rough

26:31

morning. And then I found and exploited watermelon

26:33

on my kitchen table. Ages

26:35

of course I did everything else that she's

26:37

like you know, a the whole morning. With

26:40

that was director Muscle in on your

26:42

table in April. A Because okay so

26:44

was unhappy lives. Suzanne.

26:47

where he so we have happened was. Gym.

26:49

Had gone to the grocery store with a

26:51

little and lady okay and citizen off and

26:53

go to the grocery store. but it's kind

26:55

of fun when he dies because it's like

26:58

they're having a top basket. Brought back some

27:00

I don't copy. Only can you pick up

27:02

some milk and bread and he's like yet?

27:04

but wait there's more. Okay and so the

27:06

thing is is that the the kids have

27:08

him a bit like they art. Wrap.

27:10

Wrapped around their fingers. Okay so he

27:12

has with a little it's lady and

27:15

she sees like those little personal size

27:17

watermelons and it but is it's April

27:19

and Sheath I've I want the water.

27:22

And he. Does. Not think about

27:24

how they are not and season you know he loves

27:26

watermelon to and he's like yes are like look at

27:28

the asthma. And. They can

27:30

at home and I'm like why did you

27:32

get a watermelon is April and they're like

27:35

everyone. And watermelon? Okay, now didn't they did.

27:37

She thought it right then now. Did.

27:40

I get around to cutting it. No, I

27:42

didn't want the april watermelon such as he

27:44

gets and. So. It was

27:46

only there for a few days because. You

27:50

know it was april. apparently

27:53

it went bad a lot faster than

27:55

i had anticipated and so when i

27:57

walked out and i see because I

28:00

saw liquid on the table. And

28:02

I was like, what is that? And

28:04

I walk over and I see, because

28:06

the top of the melon was still

28:08

together, but the entire bottom of it

28:10

had just like, crashed and just collapsed.

28:12

And it was everywhere. And

28:14

I was like, ugh. You

28:18

know, I didn't have like a whole meltdown like

28:20

I wanted to, but I was

28:22

not happy. And so I just,

28:24

at this point though, it was so obscure that

28:26

I was kind of laughing about it. And

28:29

I get the trash can and I'm kind of like

28:31

telling, I'm delegating tasks to the kids about what they

28:33

need to do. And

28:35

I needed paper towels because my kid, my

28:37

middle list is like, well, this is dad's

28:39

fault because he bought the watermelon. And I'm

28:41

like, that makes no sense. It's

28:44

a watermelon. Like I didn't cut it

28:46

either. He just bought a watermelon. This

28:48

was unexpected for not here. Just all

28:50

of us failed at watermeloning. And

28:54

placing blame in this situation, that's not helpful.

28:56

What would be helpful is if you could

28:58

pass me some paper towels. So

29:01

we go ahead and I get that cleaned up. And

29:03

I realized like, okay, we got about five minutes before

29:05

you have to get out the door. I

29:07

called a family meeting and all my

29:10

kids come in and I was like, I am

29:12

so sorry that I have been so

29:14

grumpy. We call it a grumpasaurus

29:16

rex in our house. If someone's being unreasonably grumpy,

29:18

like we're all a grumpasaurus rex sometimes. And I

29:20

was like, I'm sorry. I

29:22

didn't sleep well enough and I kept getting

29:25

frustrated and I wasn't managing it well. And

29:28

we all know I can do better. I have done better

29:30

and I'm gonna do better again, but I don't wanna send

29:33

you guys to school with me having

29:35

been grumpy all morning. I'm sorry. And like

29:37

literally they were like, it's

29:39

okay. Like we all have bad mornings sometimes. And then

29:42

they gave me a group hug. And

29:44

I was like, why is my life a sicko? See,

29:47

but you just proved that once again,

29:49

adults, in this case you knew, but

29:52

adults are bad at the simplest

29:55

solution. A lot of times when

29:57

we are feeling incredibly dysregulated whenever.

30:00

Every little thing is fucking with us. We

30:03

failed, our needs trifecta. When

30:06

have you eaten more than rejected

30:08

kid food or, Tori,

30:10

look at me, a slice of

30:13

toast. I really like toast. But

30:15

you have to have more than toast. I eat more

30:17

than toast, I just eat a lot of toast. But

30:21

have you eaten more than rejected food

30:24

or a safe food or something? Have

30:26

you slept? If that's not an option, because

30:28

there's lots of reasons why we don't sleep, especially when

30:30

we have kids, take yourself outside

30:32

for a second and just go get some sunlight and

30:35

some vitamin D. That is

30:37

the coolest biohack to

30:40

feeling, it's not gonna make you less tired. It's

30:42

not going to result, but it will sort of

30:44

boost you and give you just a

30:47

little bit of push to go a little further until you

30:49

can actually crawl into bed and try to sleep. And

30:51

that's part of it too, is actually

30:54

being able to identify

30:56

the problem, right? Because I am a

30:58

very well-regulated person. That's not like me

31:00

saying I deserve an award for it,

31:02

but generally, if anyone knows me,

31:04

my demeanor is I'm a really

31:07

patient person. That's

31:09

just how I am. But

31:12

for me to be able

31:14

to recognize that

31:18

what ends up getting me to this

31:20

dysregulated state where I need to have

31:22

easy solutions, well, I can't be in

31:24

the dysregulated state to figure that out.

31:27

So it's identifying the most

31:29

likely time for me to be dysregulated

31:32

and I struggle to keep it

31:34

together is going to be in the

31:37

morning when I am on a timeline to get

31:39

out the door. Because now

31:41

I'm tired and I'm racing

31:44

against the clock. And

31:46

I'm having breakfast. Exactly, so it's

31:48

finding the easy solution there. And

31:51

I've done it before where I'm like, I gotta get

31:53

up 10 minutes earlier. But now it's

31:55

I need to go to bed about two

31:57

hours earlier. That's

32:00

the easiest solution. But much like my

32:02

child, I don't want to. All

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33:42

that hydration is important, right? Absolutely.

33:45

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33:47

things, a lot of times the answer

33:49

is, I'll take a drink of water, you're probably going to feel

33:51

better. So I'm going

33:54

to describe to you a dry

33:56

side of a problem That

33:58

happens to be very wet. We're li

34:00

and then you have to identify what

34:02

the website is. What's the bright side

34:04

of. This. Problem. Okay, Right?

34:07

aren't Let's go. Sell.

34:09

The. Other day my children have

34:12

graduated from bath time as their

34:14

primary mode of becoming clean, right?

34:16

They take showers when it's just

34:18

a matter of let's wash the

34:21

earth's dirt off you and reset.

34:23

Let's try again of course, but

34:25

occasionally just for fun. My five

34:27

year old still once take a

34:30

bath. So. I let my kids

34:32

take a bath. Now I'm very privileged

34:34

in that I have to best subs

34:36

in my house so both children are

34:38

in the bath now. Advice: And now.

34:40

Having been taught to swim because we

34:42

did the swim lessons, I can bounce

34:44

back and forth between these two rooms.

34:47

So. I put my daughter

34:49

in one tub with her mermaid and

34:51

her purple bathwater and for bubbles and

34:53

then I left the room to

34:55

go check on my son. In

34:58

the other bathroom. With. His green

35:00

water know bubbles. And

35:02

these thirty two seconds it took me to

35:04

walk down the hall, check on the boy

35:07

with his green bath tub, and come back

35:09

to the purple levels. The. Purple

35:11

bubbles were gone and was most of the

35:13

purple water which I guess where was. Now

35:15

tell me that there was a. Tidal.

35:18

Wave in the bathroom. There was a tidal

35:20

wave in the bathroom out the ups. Yep

35:22

Yep. Yep. The whole. More. Of

35:24

the water was on the bathroom floor than

35:26

was inside the top. Do it so quickly

35:28

no hope. Like Not gonna lie I want

35:30

gotten the bad as an adult and like

35:32

tried to do all this is not a

35:35

splashing. still to see how much water at

35:37

it's not nearly as much as my five

35:39

year old daughter got out of the tub

35:41

in. The forty two seconds I was gone.

35:43

Yeah, you gotta have more fun with that.

35:45

I think since it caused the waves I

35:47

the Title Ix signed up much water of.

35:49

Honestly, it's impressive success.

35:53

Okay, so that's that's that's the dry

35:55

side of the issue. Or what's the

35:57

website? Tory or a City try side

35:59

as are probably the website is the

36:01

good part. We have six states. Okay,

36:05

Wait, there's bubbles. Bubbles

36:07

mean soaps? Okay. So.

36:10

If you go, grab. Low

36:12

mop, And. Wipe it off.

36:15

Now your bathroom floor. Is mobs

36:17

in clean? You can't just knock that

36:19

off You to do less say that

36:22

are that purple water the kids and

36:24

of a bathroom floor. Clean or a

36:26

that's a good as a wet size. Yes!

36:28

Okay, I have one and half one. I think

36:30

I get the game here. Okay, So.

36:33

Your kid wants to drink and.

36:35

Told them they couldn't have

36:38

to choose until their water.

36:40

Cup was empty. thinking.

36:43

That would get them to sin is drinking

36:45

their water. Finish the water first semi get

36:47

the Gc. Don't need to Cops Okay, you

36:49

don't need to be like mom carrying around

36:51

this different bad written. Some

36:53

one the water cup is empty.

36:56

You. Can out the to. Fill

36:58

obviously what happened. I

37:01

see two sons it out. On

37:04

the Cats as the. This

37:06

is the goal has been accomplished. the case I

37:08

do. still this cup is empty. The cop

37:10

as know Mp. it's probably. It's

37:12

it's. like the monkeys past. You know I

37:14

want. One. Of the cup Mc

37:16

not like that he failed to specify. I

37:19

did that with my bad. So what do

37:21

you think? What is what is the West

37:23

side. The west side is

37:25

I know full well you just got a

37:27

brand new went back and now is an

37:29

excellent time to see if it works out

37:32

good. A I did actually put it together.

37:34

For. That. Okay,

37:38

Are right. Here is one that

37:40

is not from my own experience,

37:42

but I saw tic toc about

37:44

it. Okay, Your. Children.

37:47

Have decided to make a water

37:50

park. In

37:52

the kitchen? Oh. By. Dragging

37:54

the outside sprinkler inside.

37:57

While. It was on oh boy I'd

37:59

say. No I seriously I saw

38:01

this at this woman had patients

38:03

that puts mine and yours to

38:06

absolute shame as the way she

38:08

was not losing her mind on

38:10

these children. Who had dragged the indoor

38:12

sprinkler and is one of those round

38:14

ones that comes out with like the

38:17

fountain in all directions all. Oh

38:19

that's. That's. Not guide

38:21

they had dragged that into. The

38:23

kitchen while it was on

38:26

because. They wanted to do this

38:28

penguin slide saying they'd seen on tv

38:30

show. That thing is out. As

38:32

you still know that happened so fast.

38:34

it's like you flame mail. it's seconds.

38:36

It's everything in your life as a

38:39

parent is. Sticky. Or

38:41

were to were somehow both apocalypse.

38:44

Which is surprising is usually the wet

38:46

takes care of sick he said dumbest

38:48

things like syrup so you know. ah.

38:51

Oh okay okay, I can sum

38:53

up with a wet side. To

38:55

this. That could

38:58

prove. That. The things

39:00

in your kitchen that claim

39:02

to be waterproof. This. Is

39:04

actually all. Of. Our

39:07

the electronics on my fridge actually

39:10

waterproofs? I gonna find out in

39:12

the water park. So exit.

39:14

A little bit of a fiddle make you

39:16

feel a little better when like we're staring

39:18

at it with a spray cleaner. Bad. Like

39:20

if I spray this is the going to

39:22

sort out. Now you know. Now you know.

39:24

Now you know. And I mean honestly again

39:26

just frozen. Some soap Dad and he can

39:28

mop that months' hand hold so much

39:30

mopping and says I mentally and. Of

39:34

of a. Senior. Member: the

39:36

toddler years. Vividly. When.

39:39

Communication. Was. A

39:41

little. A see like

39:43

these days Miss Yeah they would tell

39:45

you things but it was kind of

39:47

like playing Sir Raids and decoding a

39:49

last message Success As every saying to

39:51

me figure out if you like puzzle

39:53

games, toddlers are for you. Yes And

39:55

so you know like sometimes. You.

39:58

know it's a toddler comes up Tia

40:00

and says that they put

40:02

their doll shoes away in the wet toy

40:04

box. Wait, what's

40:07

the wet toy box? The toilet. No.

40:10

Yeah. Yeah. But they flushed it. So

40:12

it's really away now. Did

40:15

they go down though? They did. They did.

40:17

Uh, thankfully it wasn't all of

40:20

the shoes, just, you know, like five.

40:22

I don't know why it was an odd number. So

40:24

we have some, some

40:26

barefoot dolls. We

40:28

now have five flush shoes and one

40:31

unmatched one. Okay. So, so

40:34

that's the dry side. Yeah. The

40:36

wet side. You know what? The

40:38

wet side is you, you may be down

40:41

those doll shoes, but you did not

40:43

have to call a plumber for that one. I

40:45

didn't have to call a plumber. I

40:47

did have to buy some new childproofing

40:49

tools. Yeah. Okay. Dry

40:53

side as a millennial, I am

40:55

chronically, chronically dehydrated. Yes.

40:59

And I just don't like the taste

41:02

of plain regular flat water. I

41:04

of course, I just, I don't.

41:07

And here's the thing is most of the

41:09

brands that I have found the

41:11

flavored water really just feels like

41:14

you crack it open, you take a

41:16

sip and you get the distinct feeling

41:18

that when they said fruit

41:21

infused flavor, what they really meant

41:23

is they picked up the strawberry,

41:25

like waved it around the water.

41:29

They like manifested it, tossed

41:31

the strawberry away and then went, this

41:33

is now strawberry into water. That water

41:36

was bottled in the same room as

41:38

a strawberry. You're

41:42

just, you're so tired of that. And so since

41:44

you don't like the taste of plain water, you

41:47

don't like the typical fruit

41:49

flavored offerings on the market.

41:52

So you just stay dehydrated. It's like the good little

41:54

millennial you are. Okay. But there

41:57

is a really great wet side here.

42:00

because then you discovered

42:02

splash, the zero sugar, zero

42:04

calorie water with just a splash of

42:06

sweetness and it's actually good and

42:08

you can actually taste the flavor. It

42:10

says that it is. This

42:13

one says lemon and it tastes like

42:15

lemonade. Right. This one here

42:17

is the mandarin orange and it's my

42:19

favorite and it really tastes like

42:22

orange. Like that juice that comes

42:24

in the little cups. Yeah. They

42:26

added that. I swear that's how they, I don't think that's

42:28

how they did it. That's what it tastes like they did.

42:30

But it tastes, it tastes exactly like they say it's going

42:32

to and for that I thank

42:35

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or at your local Walmart, Sam's Club

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or Kroger. And again, thanks to Splash

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for sponsoring this episode. And

43:10

that's our timer. Thanks so much for

43:12

listening to Childproof from Betches Media. We want to hear

43:15

from you. Email us at childproof at

43:17

betches.com and be sure to give us a follow.

43:19

I'm Tori Phantom in all the places and she's

43:21

mama cusses. Tune in every Wednesday everywhere you listen

43:23

to your favorite podcasts and don't forget to subscribe

43:25

so you never miss an episode. And leave us

43:27

a rating. We love reading them and they really

43:30

do help. And remember, sometimes our kids are the

43:32

assholes. And oftentimes it's us. Childproof

43:40

is produced by Rebecca Salzmakat. Editing

43:42

by Rebecca Salzmakat. Social media

43:44

by Lauren Salone. Guest booking

43:46

by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us

43:49

at at betchesmoms on Instagram and

43:51

send your email to childproof at

43:53

betches.com. Thank

44:00

you to our sponsor Splash Refresher. Meet the

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Instacart or at your local Walmart, Sam's

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Club or Kroger. That's

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his.