0:10

What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back

0:12

to the Cheese and Chill Podcast. I

0:14

hope that you guys are having an amazing day, an amazing

0:17

week. I had a great weekend.

0:19

Actually, I'm very happy. I feel

0:21

very good. I haven't felt this good in a while.

0:24

A lot has happened in the past couple of months,

0:26

but I feel good, So I'm happy.

0:28

I am a little nervous about this episode

0:30

though. This is something I've been wanting

0:32

to talk about for a while and I

0:35

wanted to share with you guys. So here

0:37

we go. Okay, So I'm

0:40

going to talk about my dad,

0:43

my biological father, in this episode.

0:45

I wanted to share it because

0:48

I truly believe that this can

0:50

heal many people. I

0:52

truly believe in the power of forgiveness.

0:54

I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's something

0:56

that I stand by, and

1:00

I have decided that I want

1:02

to go visit my dad in jail. Let

1:05

me give you guys a bit of a backstory.

1:07

If you guys are new to the podcast,

1:09

if you guys haven't read my books, you don't know too

1:11

much about my personal life. But

1:14

the reason my dad's in prison, it's not even jealous

1:16

in prison because he got thirty one years

1:19

no chance of parole, and the reason

1:21

he's in jail or in prison is

1:23

because he sexually molested me when

1:25

I was eight years old. It was from that, I

1:28

remember, from eight to twelve, and

1:31

he was on the run for ten years, and

1:34

in two thousand and seven they caught

1:36

him, actually in two thousand and six. Then

1:38

we went to court. We were on trial for a whole

1:41

year, and

1:43

he was sentenced. I

1:45

believe he was found out

1:49

of nine counts. I believe

1:51

from I think eight out of nine counts

1:54

or nine out of nine. I don't remember exactly, but

1:56

I just remember that entire year of having

1:58

to go to court and talk about

2:00

everything that happened in front of my mom, in front of my uncles,

2:03

in front of my grandparents, in front of my then fiance

2:06

because I was also engaged a long time ago. But

2:08

anyways, it was a lot, you guys,

2:11

It was very traumatizing.

2:13

And I hadn't seen my dad in ten years

2:15

because he, you know, was on the run

2:17

since I was twelve years old, So having

2:19

to relive all of that was very hard. And

2:22

then also I didn't want to testify. I didn't want

2:24

to testify because I

2:27

have another sister, his daughter,

2:30

and she's I want to say,

2:32

around twenty five or something like that. She's

2:34

my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or

2:36

younger I don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter,

2:39

he had a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god, like he's

2:41

okay, like he I don't want to disrupt

2:43

his life. But then my

2:45

mom made me understand that it's

2:47

something I had to do, that justice had

2:50

to be served, you guys, and that's like something

2:52

it's out of my hands, you know. And she

2:54

said, through you telling your story, you're

2:56

going to be able to help others. So then

2:58

my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,

3:00

I'm going to go on there because

3:03

it was hard. I was on especially cross

3:05

examination you guys is

3:08

fucking horrible because you're

3:10

telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened. But then comes

3:12

his lawyer and they

3:16

try to trick you, and it was just so traumatizing.

3:18

So when I was on the stand, I had to like just get

3:20

off. And that's when I told my mom was like, outside of court, I was

3:22

like, I don't want to do this. I'm not doing this I'm done, Like,

3:25

we're fine, it's been ten years, Like

3:27

he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no, there's

3:29

a reason why he got caught. So she made me understand.

3:31

My mom was very supportive through the whole thing. Was

3:35

I was a little embarrassed because back then I

3:37

was like behind the scenes, I

3:39

was behind the camera, and so I was just

3:41

like, how how am I going to talk about

3:43

all this because it was a very, very very public

3:46

trial. So I was just embarrassed. It was so many different

3:48

things. But regardless, I don't regret going through it

3:50

because now I can talk about things like this. So anyways,

3:53

that's just a little bit of the backstory, a whole lot of the

3:55

backstory. But that's what happened. And

3:58

now I feel ready to

4:00

go visit him. And I submitted

4:02

my application and he

4:05

I've talked to him a couple times on the phone. My sister

4:07

Jackie has a little bit more communication with him.

4:09

And I know a lot of people have opinions about

4:12

this topic, and I know that a lot of people have

4:14

attacked my sister Jackie, and it hurts

4:16

my feelings because that's my sister. I love

4:18

her, and she has all the right to have a relationship

4:21

with her dad. I don't think it ever happened

4:23

to her. I did my best to protect my sister Jackie

4:25

from it happening to her. She doesn't

4:27

remember anything, because for a long time I

4:29

was like, why does she talk to him? Why does she want to have a relationship

4:32

with him? He did this to me again.

4:34

I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now, I feel

4:36

better. Thank goodness for therapy

4:39

and for my faith, you know. But now

4:41

I'm like, who am I to take away my

4:44

sister or keep that from her,

4:46

or take that from her, her having a relationship,

4:49

If that's her, that's her prerogative.

4:51

That's what she wants to do, and I'm

4:53

okay with it now, you know. So I just feel like everyone

4:56

should kind of just in that aspect, kind of

4:58

just mind their own business and leave her alone. There's no thing

5:00

wrong with her talking to my dad. And I know a lot

5:02

of people are gonna attack me. Why

5:04

are you going to go visit your dad? Your mom wouldn't be okay

5:06

with it. I'm going to tell you guys right now, I know my mother.

5:09

I know my mother. I lived with her

5:11

twenty six years of my life, and I

5:14

know my mom had a very forgiving heart,

5:16

and even though my

5:18

stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny

5:21

and Jenica's dad hurt her

5:24

when he was still alive, my mom was at

5:26

his bedside when he was passing,

5:29

and then when he passed. My mom is a very

5:31

forgiving woman. I know my mom

5:34

would have said, Okay, if that's what you want to do, she would

5:36

respect me, and she would probably even go with me. You guys,

5:38

I really really feel it, But

5:41

not only that. I am my own person. This

5:43

happened to me, and if

5:47

I'm okay with forgiving this person,

5:49

why can't you guys be okay with it.

5:52

I'm not saying everyone, because there are people

5:54

that have said I can't believe she forgave

5:56

him and this and that. I've seen a lot of little

5:58

things here and there, but I don't care.

6:01

I feel that this is part of my healing,

6:04

of closing that circle, of closing

6:07

that chapter of my life completely,

6:10

and I'm ready.

6:18

When he reached out after my mom passed,

6:21

I was upset again. I was in a very

6:23

bad place. I was

6:25

going through a lot then and I was very upset when

6:27

he reached out, and I was like, well, why now? Now

6:29

that my mom's not here, he wants to talk to us. Now, he

6:31

wants to have a relationship. I was very defensive.

6:35

But then when my sister spoke

6:37

to him and she related the message to me, you

6:39

know, because I was very vocal about me being upset,

6:42

she said, no, I get it, sister, But he just says

6:44

he felt very bad, like these

6:46

kids are alone in this world. I'm

6:48

in jail, their mom passed away, like

6:51

he felt like he needed to

6:53

reach out. So then I was like, okay,

6:55

I was a little bit better about the situation. I still

6:57

wasn't completely open, like I am now to go visit him.

7:00

I know, and I hear from

7:02

my sister that he's a reborn Christian,

7:04

that he's like I think a pastor

7:07

or does like Bible studies in there, and he's

7:09

just he's a barber. He's really

7:13

it's done a lot while being in prison.

7:15

And I want to think that he's going

7:18

to ask me for forgiveness

7:20

because he never has and he's

7:22

never really admitted to doing it. From

7:24

what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him. The times that I have

7:26

talked to him on the phone, it was when

7:28

I was getting married he just said, hey,

7:30

I just want to say, can I pray for you before

7:33

you know you walk to the altar? And I said

7:35

yeah and I let him, and

7:37

then another time just to say hello.

7:39

So I've never said, hey, dad, now

7:42

do you know ask me for forgiveness or I want to

7:44

hear you. I feel like that's a conversation that needs to

7:46

be had in person, which is why I'm

7:48

going to take the step. So thank goodness

7:50

for my partner, Emilio. He also is

7:52

going to go with me. And the last

7:55

time I was at of prison was freaking

7:57

years ago. You guys, I want to say, like eight years ago.

7:59

I haven't been to a prison in years. And

8:02

the only reason I went the first time to

8:04

go visit someone was because I was a

8:06

witness at a wedding

8:08

in prison. One of my

8:11

friends, a boss B actually

8:13

was getting married to someone and she wanted me to be her

8:15

witness, so I went and

8:17

I was there supporting her, and

8:20

I don't know, I don't know what I'm gonna feel. I

8:22

was accepted. Emilia and I both were accepted

8:25

to go and visit him. I know he's

8:27

more open about it. And the crazy thing

8:29

is is I feel bad because his mom just passed.

8:32

Both his parents have passed while he's been in there,

8:34

and I don't know, I want to think

8:38

that he's

8:40

learned a lot. From what I hear, he has learned

8:43

a lot. Again, Like his faith

8:45

is like at the best it's ever been, at the highest,

8:48

And I'm not gonna lie. I have thought

8:50

about putting in a

8:52

petition to help him come

8:55

out sooner, because he

8:58

has a daughter, he has a wife. From

9:01

what I hear, his wife has been by his

9:03

side, and I think that's fucking admirable.

9:08

I don't know, I just I feel

9:10

bad, you know, But I know that that I can't necessarily

9:12

do that yet I still have to take

9:14

this step in and seeing

9:17

him in person and see if he really does

9:20

admit to what he did and and

9:24

apologizes. You know, that's all I

9:26

really need. I don't need to get into details.

9:28

I don't know, I mean, And if

9:30

this visit doesn't go that way, I

9:33

think that I

9:36

would I

9:40

just would close that door and not worry

9:42

about it anymore, you know what I mean, Like I'd just be

9:44

like, well, if sister, if you still want to have a relationship

9:46

with him, I'm okay with it. But if he

9:49

doesn't tell me what I need

9:51

to hear, then

9:53

there's no reason to continue

9:55

or to go visit him again, you know. And I don't know

9:57

if I'm wrong for that, but that's just I'm not gonna wait

10:00

my time or waste his, you know. I

10:02

want to think that maybe

10:06

he's ready now more than ever that his

10:08

parents are in heaven, because

10:10

maybe it's something he didn't want to admit to out loud

10:14

because he doesn't want to hurt his family.

10:17

Obviously, his family thinks that it didn't

10:19

happen. They think that my mom put this in my head,

10:22

that my mom made me say it, and that's absolutely

10:24

false. I remember everything

10:26

that happened. Unfortunately,

10:29

I remember details, so no one put

10:32

this in my head, especially not my

10:34

mom. If anything, I I'm

10:36

so grateful that she believed me. She never questioned

10:38

me. But

10:41

I respect his decisions and

10:43

I don't I feel worried. I feel worried

10:45

for him because I know when this whole thing

10:48

happened, you

10:50

know, especially in the beginning, like in

10:52

jail, people do things,

10:55

they freaking beat them

10:57

up, child abusers, you know. So

10:59

I know that he went through that, and

11:02

it hurts me, like it's not I don't want

11:05

to cause him any more pain, you know what I mean, Like, I

11:09

really don't like and that's why I'm kind of scared.

11:11

I was afraid to talk about this because I'm

11:13

like, shit, I don't want to like open

11:16

this can of worms for him, like if he's already

11:18

finding his peace in there, you know, because I

11:20

forgave him, you know, and I just want people to

11:22

also forgive him. And just it's

11:24

no one else's like business.

11:27

I guess it's it's your business because I'm telling

11:30

you guys, but I'm just saying, like no

11:32

one should say what

11:35

I should and shouldn't do. And

11:37

you guys or

11:39

the people that are kind of like, oh my god, like if

11:41

that or Cheeky's is wrong, Like I

11:43

guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,

11:46

but at the end of the day, it's like I just don't

11:48

want to hurt him or his family

11:50

any more than they've already gone through, you know, because

11:52

we all suffered. My family.

11:55

His family he has

11:57

suffered so much because you know, he lost

11:59

both his parents while being in there. I mean, I can't even

12:01

imagine, you know, like not being able to

12:03

give him a hug and I guess I can because I wasn't able

12:05

to give my mama hug for like two months, so I guess I get it.

12:07

So it just maybe that's why it hurts me so much. But

12:10

I just wanted to share this because I think it's

12:12

so important, you guys. The power of forgiveness is

12:16

so important and liberating for

12:18

ourselves. It's a gift that we give ourselves not

12:21

to hold onto things like that, hold

12:24

on to any resentment, and

12:26

it helps us. It helps us fly

12:28

and conquer and accomplish

12:31

what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to just

12:33

let go of the baggage. And I tell you guys this all

12:35

the time, and I

12:38

just felt that I wanted to express

12:40

this and for you guys to help me pray because

12:43

I don't know when I'm going to go visit him, but when

12:45

it happens, now that I'm accepted, I just

12:48

want you guys to send me good wishes and your

12:50

prayers that everything goes well and

12:53

may God's will be done when it comes to that.

12:55

I saw a picture of him the other day and my sister

12:58

took a screenshot because now in jail, you have

13:00

like a way of face timing and the whole thing. It's crazy.

13:03

He even has like a phone number. It's like the craziest

13:05

thing. I haven't used it yet, but my sister sent me a

13:07

screenshop when they were on a

13:09

phone call. And it's crazy how much

13:11

I look like him. It's freaking

13:14

weird, especially because in my mind for

13:16

so long, I

13:18

was like, I don't have a dad. I don't have a dad, I don't have parents,

13:20

Like my mom's not here, I don't have a dad. Like, but

13:22

on my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with, oh

13:25

shit, I do have a dad. He is alive.

13:27

He's here. Like it's the craziest

13:29

thing. Like we all my siblings and I kind

13:32

of had all of that, had that in common where it's

13:34

like, okay, we don't have parents

13:36

physically and that's kind of

13:38

like, it's just this weird thing. I don't know. And then to

13:40

see his gray hair and his gray

13:43

beard, it's just it's so crazy because I

13:45

remember him with black, black, dark hair and

13:48

he was young and hip and he's

13:50

aged and it's just I don't know. It's the craziest

13:52

fucking feeling ever. I don't know. It

13:55

makes me emotional because I'm just like, I don't know what the

13:57

hell is gonna happen. I don't know what I'm feel but I know

13:59

it's something I have the face, and I'm

14:01

all about facing your fears. So this is something

14:03

that kind of makes

14:06

me nervous. It's nerve wracking, but I

14:08

know it's going to be really good for me, for

14:11

me to move forward, to become a parent, to

14:13

get married, to just really just really

14:16

close that chapter of my life.

14:25

I don't know what's going to happen after that visit.

14:27

I have really no idea. I'm

14:30

really stepping into the unknown. I'm

14:32

taking a leap of faith here and

14:35

now that I'm thinking about having kids, I

14:38

mean, if all goes well in that conversation,

14:41

maybe maybe I'll

14:43

be okay. I don't even know. I honestly

14:45

don't even know. Like I'm like I was about to say,

14:47

if I do have kids, would I be okay with

14:50

my daughter or my son meeting him? I

14:55

don't know. Damn, that's a good question.

14:57

I mean, I guess it all just

14:59

appet It all just depends how

15:02

I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive.

15:04

I feel people's vibes and I

15:07

just I all would have to see. I

15:10

know that my niece, Jayla, the

15:12

oldest one, wants to meet him, and

15:14

Jackie asked me, how do you feel about that? And I

15:16

said, I'm totally fine with that if you're okay with it.

15:19

So I think she's gonna meet him soon. But

15:24

yeah, I mean, I guess it's something. I guess we'll

15:26

have to cross that bridge when we get there. You

15:28

know. As far as my kid's meeting

15:30

him, I don't know. He's

15:34

in his late fifties now and

15:36

he's been in there for seventeen years,

15:39

and if I'm calculating correctly, he

15:41

won't be out until twenty

15:44

thirty eight. It's

15:46

a fucking long time. And I

15:49

don't know if I'm crazy, but I just feel like, Okay,

15:51

if he already like repented, maybe

15:56

you know, like he can get out. And

15:58

I don't know, like I just feel I

16:01

feel like our justice system sometimes is like

16:03

kind of twisted, and I feel like they gave him

16:06

more time because it was such a public trial.

16:10

I mean, who am I to say, right, But I've seen

16:12

and I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys, and I watch

16:14

a lot of stuff people that have murdered people

16:17

get seven years and this and that

16:19

or and I'm just like I get it, like I don't

16:21

know. I mean, I don't know. I know

16:23

it sounds weird because it happened to me, and yes, it

16:26

was very traumatizing and affected me in many many

16:28

ways. I don't know if it's because I'm healed

16:30

or what it is, but I just feel like it's a little unfair.

16:33

I feel bad, and I don't know what

16:35

that means. And I know people are probably gonna think

16:37

I'm freaking crazy, or

16:40

maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me. I

16:42

don't know. I don't know,

16:44

but I've always said this, like he

16:47

wasn't a bad dad. As weird as

16:49

that fucking sounds, he wasn't

16:51

like he actually like when we would get

16:54

in trouble, he sit us down and

16:56

talk to us like he wasn't one to like kick

16:58

our butt. You know. It was just when night

17:00

came, he was a different person. Not

17:03

saying and I'm not condoning it or excusing

17:05

what he did, because it's not it's absolutely

17:07

one hundred percent not right. But

17:09

it's the weirdest thing because he was a good dad.

17:12

It's it's so fucking twisted it's I don't

17:14

know. You know. For for a long

17:16

time, I was fine with

17:18

not seeing him. I was I was okay with it. I

17:20

was like kind of like, Okay, we don't have our mom,

17:23

Johnny and Janaa don't have their dad, you

17:26

know. I was kind of like, this is what it is, this

17:28

is our life. But then as

17:30

my sister, I would ask her, Hey, have you talked

17:32

a dad? Have you gone to visit him?

17:34

She's like yeah, and she would tell me stories and the things

17:36

that they talk about, and she's like, he's

17:39

so gentle, like the way he like,

17:41

he's different, Like I don't know. She's

17:43

like, I don't remember the way he was before,

17:45

but from what I hear and what I've heard

17:48

about him, he's different. And

17:50

it just kind of intrigued me, and

17:53

it made me a little curious as to like, okay, well,

17:55

ask him. I told her to

17:57

ask him if he'd be okay

17:59

with me, just to see what he

18:01

said. And he

18:04

said yes, that he would be very nervous to see

18:06

me, but that yes,

18:08

if I'm open to it, then he would be as well. So

18:10

that's kind of how it happened. And then

18:13

I just sat on it for a while, and I

18:15

was kind of like on the fence

18:17

about it, and then little

18:20

by little reading books and

18:22

reading stories

18:25

about other people that have gone through

18:27

what I've gone through through sexual abuse and

18:29

how they when they confronted their abuser,

18:32

how liberating it was, and how healing it

18:35

was. So here I am feeling I'm healed. But

18:37

I'm like, Okay, imagine if I face

18:39

this and I stop ignoring

18:41

it, what it can do in

18:43

my life, especially if I want

18:46

to have kids, you know, and I want to become a mother,

18:48

Like I I

18:50

want to be able to tell my child,

18:53

hey, I did this. It's

18:55

like something that's brewing within me. That's just

18:57

like I have to just let

18:59

it out sort of thing, you know. I have to go

19:01

visit him. I have to go visit him and see where

19:03

he's at mentally, and we'll go from there.

19:05

But I did feel the need to share this with

19:08

you guys and express these things,

19:10

because again, this is my podcast, is where I feel safe,

19:12

and I love having these one on one conversations

19:16

just me the micing

19:18

you guys. You know. But

19:21

yeah, I know, I know it's gonna be a little

19:23

weird for people, but I

19:25

do feel ninety

19:27

five percent healed from this, and

19:30

this five percent that's missing is

19:32

just having this conversation with him and

19:34

seeing where he is, where his headspace is, where

19:36

his heart is, and

19:39

we'll see. All right. Well,

19:41

this was a heavy one, but

19:44

like always, I thank you guys for listening,

19:46

for tuning in to Cheese and Chill. I

19:49

am very grateful to have this space. I'm

19:51

grateful for you guys, each and every single

19:53

one of you. Guys, Tell your friends about the

19:55

podcast. Okay, spread the

19:57

word, spread the love, spread the

20:00

wisdom. I love you guys so much, and I

20:02

will catch you here on the next episode of Cheeky's

20:04

and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all Right, Okay,

20:07

bessos. This

20:12

is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike

20:14

Pura podcast Network. Follow us

20:17

on Instagram at Mike Putura Podcasts

20:20

and follow me Cheeky's That's c h

20:22

I q U y s. For more

20:24

podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio

20:27

app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you

20:29

get your favorite shows.