0:05

Today at the Radio Backyard Fence, a

0:07

program I think is going to help set some

0:09

people free, set some hearts

0:11

free. That's our hope. Our

0:13

guest says hiding inside

0:16

every man is a little boy. For

0:18

some, this kid is healthy and strong.

0:20

For others, he's insecure, afraid,

0:22

angry and broken.

0:25

This describes Patrick. He

0:27

was a successful entrepreneur and businessman,

0:30

but he was ignoring the pain of his childhood

0:33

wounds, and he did that

0:35

for decades. He believes

0:37

millions of men are suffering

0:40

silently and not breaking

0:42

the cycle, because they've

0:44

never processed the pain of their

0:46

father and mother wounds

0:48

that describe you today.

0:50

Doctor Patrick Morley is straight ahead on

0:52

today's Chris February Live. Welcome to the continuing

0:55

conversation. Thanks to our friends behind

0:57

the scenes, Ryan McConaughey doing all things technical.

1:00

Tricia is our producer. We're

1:02

not live with you today. Our program is

1:04

recorded in fact, many of you

1:06

the rest of the week will be best of

1:08

broadcasts. Enjoy those.

1:10

I'll be back with you live next Monday.

1:14

But let me pause before we begin

1:16

in and thank our friends and partners.

1:19

This month, we've seen a number of new listeners

1:21

reach out people who have never given before.

1:24

And that's really encouraging to us.

1:26

And I think it might partly be because

1:28

of the thank you we have for you this

1:30

month. We had Glen and Marshall on the program

1:33

last week, and she is so motivating

1:35

for Scripture memory. And

1:38

this is not about scoring points with God.

1:40

In fact, I read this morning that the point

1:42

of hiding the word this is from Glenna.

1:45

The point is to meditate on who God is

1:47

so that in understanding him,

1:49

learning of him, that knowing

1:52

changes us. And that's

1:54

going to come into the conversation with

1:57

Pat Morley today. Memorizing

1:59

increases our affection for

2:02

God to make our joy full.

2:05

Let me send you a copy of this memorizing

2:07

Scripture the basics, blessings and benefits

2:10

of meditating on God's Word.

2:12

Call 8669543

2:15

and then press the number two and you can give

2:17

a gift (866) 953-2279

2:22

or just go to the website Chris Fabry live

2:25

for Fabry,

2:27

Chris Fabry Live forg.

2:30

And thank you for being a friend or partner with

2:32

us here during March. Patrick

2:35

Morley, PhD, is founder of

2:37

man in the mirror, a global ministry

2:39

impacting thousands of churches, millions

2:41

of men. Motivated by his

2:43

own search for meaning and purpose, he started

2:46

a Bible study in a bar with

2:48

a handful of guys in 1986,

2:52

a study that now reaches thousands

2:54

of men around the world every week.

2:56

At Patrick morley.com,

2:59

he's written 23 books,

3:01

including The Man in the mirror,

3:03

which was named one of the 100 most

3:05

influential Christian books of the 20th century.

3:08

His new one comes out March

3:10

19th. And I know we're a little bit early

3:12

for this, but you can preorder

3:14

it. And my guess is there going to

3:17

be a lot of men and women who

3:19

will want to read, from Broken

3:21

Boy to Mended Man,

3:24

a positive plan to heal your childhood

3:26

wounds and break the cycle.

3:28

Doctor Morley, welcome to the program. How

3:30

are you doing today.

3:32

Chris? It's so good to hear your voice again.

3:34

I'll always love being with you.

3:37

Same here. And I mentioned to my

3:39

wife, Andrea, because you were on the Midday

3:41

Connection program. A lot of times it's how

3:44

I knew you. Yeah. How's he doing?

3:46

Well, I knew you because of a golf

3:48

outing. We had a Wednesday

3:51

meeting. We play golf one Wednesday.

3:53

The next Wednesday we would read Do

3:56

Man in the mirror study, and then we'd play golf.

3:58

And. And so I got to know

4:00

these, these fellows, uh, a

4:03

whole lot better because of that book.

4:05

And it got to know you a whole lot better

4:07

too. But I did not know

4:09

this brokenness that

4:12

you have written about. Why did you

4:14

choose to write about this?

4:17

Oh well, I

4:20

first of all, I didn't want to

4:22

write about it. Um,

4:25

here's here's the thing. Um,

4:28

I think a good place to enter the story.

4:31

Um, when

4:33

I was, uh, 53 years of

4:36

age, my mother died,

4:38

and I didn't feel anything. I wasn't

4:40

sad, I didn't cry,

4:42

I didn't miss her. I thought

4:44

that was pretty odd. And so I went

4:47

to see a counselor. And

4:49

she helped me to put

4:52

into words the the childhood

4:55

wounds that I had never been able to

4:57

articulate. And

5:00

truth of the matter is, I mean,

5:02

I didn't really even understand much

5:05

about childhood wounds at that point.

5:07

Now, I've been studying

5:10

this for a couple of additional decades.

5:12

About seven years ago, six years

5:14

before I actually wrote the book. I

5:16

really sensed that,

5:19

first of all, a lot of

5:22

lasting and beautiful changes had taken

5:24

place in my life, and I

5:26

was so much more free, so much more joyful,

5:28

so much more at peace with myself

5:30

and with everybody around

5:32

me. And I

5:35

had the feeling that it

5:37

was selfish to not share

5:39

that, because that's what I do. I mean, I'm a I'm a communicator,

5:42

but I didn't want to throw my parents under the bus

5:44

either, because honestly, even

5:47

though I grew up in a dysfunctional home, my

5:49

parents were actually very nice people and.

5:53

Uh, after I became a follower of

5:55

Jesus at the age of 25,

5:58

that began a journey that did

6:00

lead to stages

6:03

of healing and reconciliation,

6:05

piecemeal that I think

6:07

men could actually go through

6:10

in a much shorter time. For me, my

6:12

reconciliation with my parents started when I was

6:15

35 years of age, and,

6:17

uh, but it didn't really come

6:20

full circle for 18 more years.

6:22

And so I have written a book that

6:24

I think can really be helpful

6:26

to those men who are sitting

6:28

on a volcano of anger and don't know why. Or

6:30

maybe they're pouting, or maybe they blowing

6:32

up at the wrong times with

6:34

the wrong people, and they just don't understand why they're doing

6:36

what they're doing.

6:38

Okay, that's that's what I want to get

6:40

into, because you're, first

6:42

of all, at 53 to

6:44

go to a counselor and ask that

6:47

question and to be that vulnerable,

6:50

uh, takes, takes some oomph

6:52

from the inside. But you

6:54

say, what is your starting point today?

6:56

Is it passivity, resignation,

6:59

addiction, rage, a critical

7:01

spirit, poor self-esteem, denial,

7:04

a lack of confidence? Are you oversensitive

7:06

to criticism? Are you lashing out? When

7:08

criticisms come, criticism

7:10

comes. Do you get moody and withdrawal?

7:13

So for the man listening

7:15

today who says, boy, I don't need

7:17

this because when my mom died,

7:19

I fell apart. That's not

7:21

the point is that for you,

7:24

there were abandonment issues

7:26

that you felt with your mom and your dad

7:29

so that when she died

7:31

and you didn't feel anything, that

7:33

was a clue that there was something deeper

7:35

going on, right?

7:37

Yes, exactly. So

7:40

if you're listening to this broadcast

7:43

and you are able to say

7:46

when you think about your parents, my

7:48

parents were affirming or

7:50

my parents were encouraging, then

7:53

you had a positive parenting

7:55

experience. But there are

7:57

seven other possibilities

8:00

that you might be able to say.

8:02

You might, for example, say, well, you

8:04

know, my my parents were passive.

8:07

They were just not that engaged with me.

8:09

My parents were absent

8:11

either they they worked too much

8:13

or maybe through death, divorce, mental

8:15

illness or addiction or something else. They

8:17

weren't in the picture. Or

8:20

third, my parents

8:22

were, uh, permissive. Uh,

8:24

my wife, when we were dating, she said, you know,

8:27

I think you're I think your parents gave

8:29

you too much say. And

8:32

she was so right. Uh,

8:34

or my parents

8:36

were enabling, you know, maybe maybe

8:38

your parents didn't require you to do the things

8:40

that you could and should have done for yourself,

8:42

or maybe didn't hold you responsible when you didn't do

8:44

what you should, or demanding

8:47

or angry or belittling

8:50

actively, you know, saying, making

8:52

jokes at your expense and running you down.

8:54

So, uh, these,

8:56

these seven different parenting styles,

8:58

if you're if you say one of those things,

9:00

then, uh, you probably

9:03

grew up in a dysfunctional home,

9:05

even if your parents were nice like mine.

9:07

Or maybe, you know, your homeless, dysfunctional

9:10

because your parents were maybe,

9:12

you know, maybe they were just mean,

9:14

or maybe they were even toxic or

9:17

abusive to you. But whatever the case,

9:20

uh, yeah. There's one

9:22

well respected expert

9:25

estimates that 7,080% of all

9:27

American homes are dysfunctional. Wow.

9:29

Yeah. So you are rubbing

9:32

shoulders with men who are,

9:34

like Patrick says, broken.

9:37

So what does that mean? We're going to talk about

9:39

that in our next segment. From Broken

9:41

Boy to Mended Man

9:43

is our featured resource. It comes

9:45

out on the 19th,

9:47

but you can pre-order it. A positive

9:50

plan to heal your childhood Wounds and

9:52

break the cycle is the subtitle

9:54

of Patrick Morley's book, This is Chris

9:56

Fabry Live. You can find out more about that

9:59

at Chris Fabry Live. Org.

10:11

Thanks for joining us today at the radio backyard

10:13

Fence. This is Chris Fabri live.

10:15

We're not with you live today. Don't call us,

10:18

but I'm spending a little bit of time with

10:20

a kind of a hero of mine because

10:22

he wrote a book years and years ago

10:25

that really made a difference in my life. And

10:27

his 24th is out now.

10:30

Titled From Broken Boy to

10:32

Mended Man. Doctor Patrick

10:34

Morley is with us. You can find out more about him

10:36

linked to his website. See the book

10:38

right there at Chris Fabry Live.

10:40

Org define

10:43

broken. What do you mean broken?

10:46

Well, it's interesting because in the front

10:48

of the book, I actually just put

10:50

the definition of broken

10:53

and also the definition of mended

10:55

as well. But uh,

10:58

there is there's something

11:00

that is not working.

11:03

You, you you're

11:05

angry, you don't know why, or

11:07

you have dramatic mood swings and

11:09

you can't explain it. Uh,

11:11

you're not sure you

11:14

have a hard time believing that

11:16

people really care about you,

11:18

which is one of my big ones. That's. So

11:20

I developed these nine characteristics. You

11:22

know, the AA has their

11:25

list. Adult children

11:27

of alcoholics. They had their list. I thought we

11:29

needed, I think, uh,

11:31

so I'm calling. All

11:34

of us who are in this group together, the

11:36

Fraternal Order of Broken Boys. And so

11:38

I felt like we needed our own list. And so I

11:40

came up with these nine characteristics through,

11:43

uh, a lot of research and

11:45

personal experience as well. And,

11:48

but number one is, is you just have a hard time

11:50

people believing that people really care

11:52

about you. And this goes to Eric

11:54

Erickson's trust. Distress is kind of

11:56

like the first task of childhood.

11:59

And so, um,

12:02

guys, if you're listening, I don't know if you can relate this.

12:04

I have no recollection

12:06

of ever hearing the words growing up.

12:09

No recollection, ever, of hearing

12:11

the words I love you. I'm

12:13

proud of you. I believe

12:15

in you. Uh, you can do

12:18

something with your life. Here's what

12:20

life is all about. Here's how

12:22

you can know God. Here might

12:24

be some educational opportunities

12:26

you could think about going after.

12:29

Uh, here's here's what different kinds

12:31

of vocations you might be good at. Uh, sex

12:33

education. I mean, really nothing.

12:36

Now, I'm not so naive,

12:38

Chris, to think

12:40

that those things were never said,

12:42

but it is still significant that

12:44

even to this day, I have no recollection

12:46

of hearing those things. And

12:48

so, um, that

12:50

would be the way that I'm broken. I'm

12:52

broken. Uh, I'll tell

12:55

a story. Uh, when I was

12:57

about ten years old, I

13:00

was playing Little League baseball. I

13:03

put my uniform on, and

13:05

my parents asked if they could come to

13:07

the game. And apparently

13:09

they didn't go to my games, and

13:13

I begged them and pleaded

13:15

with them not to come to my game until

13:17

I was in tears. And finally they

13:19

relented and said, okay, we won't go to your game.

13:22

And then I threaded my baseball glove

13:24

over my handlebars and cried for the eight

13:26

minute bicycle ride to the to

13:29

the baseball field because they were not

13:31

coming. So I

13:33

told that story. I think it's a signature story

13:35

of my childhood. I told that story to my counselor.

13:37

She said, well, what do you think's going on there? And I said, I have

13:40

no idea. That's why I'm here.

13:42

You tell me. And

13:44

she said, she pressed me and I said,

13:46

no, I really don't know. You're going to have to tell me. She

13:49

told this story. She said there was a pastor who

13:51

had a son named Noah, and

13:53

he invited Noah to go fishing

13:56

with him the next morning. That evening,

13:58

Noah bounded around the house and was

14:00

so happy. And the next morning

14:02

they were getting ready and the phone rang.

14:04

The pastor answered the phone. He said yes,

14:07

yes, I understand. And then he rushed

14:09

out the door. That evening,

14:11

uh, they were having dinner and

14:14

the little boy was moping around

14:16

the dinner table and his wife said to him, he said,

14:18

did you know that you were going

14:20

to take supposed to take no fishing this morning

14:23

and that you've forgotten? He was mortified. He

14:25

apologized. He said, oh, no, I am so sorry. I

14:27

can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry. I'm

14:29

going to make that up to you. And Noah said, uh,

14:31

that's okay. I don't like

14:33

fishing anyway. And

14:36

my counselor said, well, what do you think was going

14:38

on there? And

14:40

I said, I think I'm starting to get the picture.

14:43

And so the idea

14:45

is that a little boy can't

14:47

handle the thought that my dad doesn't really want

14:49

to be with me. And so he

14:51

substitutes the idea I don't like fishing.

14:55

And so apparently at a very young age,

14:58

I had I made some kind

15:00

of a vow. If my parents

15:02

aren't interested in me, then I'm not going to be interested

15:04

in them either. And so

15:07

did I want them at my game cheering

15:09

shamelessly. You bet. But,

15:12

uh, I just

15:15

I leaned on them the other way out

15:17

of this hurt that I apparently

15:19

was. Experiencing,

15:21

and so some guys might be

15:23

able to relate to that story I hope so.

15:27

I read that, and I thought,

15:29

you're trying to protect yourself

15:31

from more pain. You've already

15:34

had all the pain that you can handle

15:36

in that little ten year old heart of yours.

15:39

And so you're

15:41

trying to keep that distance because

15:45

you could get even more injured.

15:47

And so if that's what you learn at ten

15:49

years old, then at 20

15:51

and 30 and 40, you have

15:54

you make your whole life about

15:56

avoiding the pain, right?

15:59

Yeah. And so, um, I

16:01

want to say to, uh, the guys

16:04

that are listing the in the women too, um,

16:06

especially, you know, if you've got a

16:08

husband and you just he's unpredictable.

16:11

Um, or if you're that guy

16:13

and you're unpredictable or you can't. Uh,

16:16

maybe you're oversensitive. Another characteristic

16:19

is you're, uh, oversensitive

16:22

and frequently misread

16:24

what people intend. That's the second characteristic.

16:26

And so, um. You

16:31

can change your life. You

16:34

can change your life in Christ. And it

16:36

doesn't have to take. It took me 18

16:39

years from the from the time

16:41

at 35 when I became intentional.

16:44

Okay, so one thing I haven't said

16:46

is I quit high school in the

16:48

middle of my senior year. My

16:50

next brother filed in my footsteps,

16:52

and then he eventually died of a heroin

16:54

overdose. And my two

16:56

youngest brothers have had more than their fair

16:59

share of problems. So

17:01

you can, uh, you

17:04

you would realize there's a

17:06

long story behind that, right? Yes.

17:08

My dad was abandoned when he was two years

17:10

of age. He was the youngest of four children,

17:13

so he had never felt the scratch

17:15

of a father's whiskers. He

17:17

had never heard a dad read him a bedtime

17:20

story. He had never tossed a ball

17:22

in the backyard. My father never had his

17:24

hair tussled or wrestled on the

17:26

living room floor with his dad. And so,

17:29

uh, it's kind of hard to give what

17:31

you don't have. But he grew up, and he didn't really

17:33

understand how to be a man, how to

17:35

be a husband, how to be a father. And

17:37

I, I'm grateful that he stayed

17:39

in the family. But net

17:41

net is that,

17:44

uh, regardless of what the intentions

17:46

were, the result is the same.

17:48

And that we did have a dysfunctional family,

17:50

and it kind of fell apart on him when we

17:53

hit our teen years. And he would take

17:55

responsibility for that today if he

17:57

were alive. And I honor him and respect

17:59

him for that. But the

18:01

the bottom line is, is that, uh, we

18:04

we were a dysfunctional family.

18:06

So there's that. Yeah.

18:11

The fast forward, though to the Thanksgiving

18:13

when you came

18:15

back and you're having

18:18

a meal and he starts to pray.

18:21

So this is probably the,

18:23

the the beginning point

18:25

of reconciliation. I

18:27

became a follower of Jesus through my wife

18:30

at the age of 24, when

18:33

I was 25 years of age.

18:36

Uh, and, and I was estranged from my parents.

18:39

If it wasn't for my wife, I doubt we would have

18:41

had any contact at all. But, uh,

18:43

we were doing Christmas, Easter

18:46

and Labor Day picnic. Uh, but

18:49

when I was 25 years of age,

18:51

we went to my parents house

18:53

for Thanksgiving dinner. And

18:56

I'm the oldest of four boys. And my

18:59

my next brother, the one that died,

19:01

uh, of the drug overdose,

19:03

uh, he had been off to war. And after,

19:06

uh, a couple of years, he was he was

19:08

back. Back home. And

19:11

this, uh. So our family had not been

19:13

together at that point for maybe 3 or 4 years even.

19:16

So we're that family

19:18

that grew up. Maybe guys, you can relate

19:20

to this. We're that family where

19:23

yeah, we said grace before meals,

19:25

but we said it like this as fast

19:27

as as fast as could be said

19:29

God is good, God is great. And we thank you for this

19:31

food. Amen. Uh,

19:35

this particular Thanksgiving, Chris,

19:37

my dad said, uh, I'd

19:40

like to pray today. And

19:42

he started out. Dear

19:44

Lord. Uh, mom

19:47

and I would just like to say

19:50

thank you. And that's about

19:52

as far as he got. And he started blubbering,

19:55

and he excused himself

19:57

and went into his bedroom. And I filed

19:59

him in there, and I said, dad, dad, what's wrong? Are you

20:01

okay? And he said,

20:04

yeah, I'm I'm okay. He said, it's just

20:06

your mother. And I never

20:09

thought that we would ever see our

20:11

four boys together again.

20:13

And, uh, it's something,

20:16

something. Something changed

20:18

in me that day. It was like a switch got

20:20

flipped, my heart softened,

20:22

and I saw my dad's humanity.

20:25

And I felt what he was

20:27

feeling. And I unilaterally

20:29

forgave my father. I didn't even know

20:31

what. I didn't even know what a childhood wound

20:34

was at that point. But I unilaterally forgave

20:36

my father for all the anger

20:38

that I had toward toward them.

20:40

But we remained strange

20:42

for essentially

20:45

estranged for another ten

20:47

years. And what I'm saying to the guys

20:49

on the program today is

20:51

that, you know, you can get to that

20:53

point and then you can get all the way home. So

20:55

it took me another, uh,

20:58

another 28 years

21:01

to have fully worked out all the things I explained

21:03

in this book. By the way, most

21:05

of my books I, I'm

21:07

on these podcasts and programs,

21:10

and what I do is I give

21:12

you enough of the book. So honestly, you really don't

21:14

have to buy the book to understand it. You

21:16

can kind of get the main idea. And

21:18

I feel like that's a form of ministry. This

21:20

is not that book. You have

21:23

to go through the process

21:25

of identifying and understanding what

21:27

happened to you, a biblical

21:29

healing process that's been around for thousands

21:32

of years, and then know

21:34

how you can break the cycle for the next generation.

21:36

And that's why I've got all kinds

21:38

of exercises and reflections for you

21:40

to do in the book,

21:43

but you're going to have to read the book in

21:45

this particular case.

21:48

Well and go through the different

21:50

answer the questions at the end of each chapter.

21:52

Those are really, really helpful. It's

21:54

called From Broken Boy to Mended Man.

21:57

We have a link at the website. Just go to Chris

21:59

Fabry Live org and

22:01

click through today's information. You'll see it right

22:04

there by Patrick Morley.

22:06

If you are in that fraternal order

22:08

of broken boys, I think,

22:10

as I said at the beginning, I think this will set

22:12

somebody free who's listening here today.

22:14

And maybe that person is you, but maybe

22:17

the person is the wife

22:19

of the broken boy who is a man,

22:22

and she can see this

22:24

when he can't. And my

22:26

guess is that your wife

22:28

looked at your life for a

22:30

long time, even after you had come

22:33

to Jesus and saw

22:35

some of the residue of

22:37

the brokenness leaking through.

22:40

So what do you say? And

22:42

that can be a problem, too, because the wife

22:44

can think, oh, I've got to get this book to

22:46

fix him or give it to

22:48

him to fix him. And it's not about fixing

22:51

because it is a process. Um,

22:53

so what do you say to the wife who's

22:55

listening? Who says, I get everything

22:57

you're saying? Patrick?

22:58

Yeah, yeah. So a few things I

23:01

would say if you are a woman

23:03

and you're listening and this, this

23:05

issue, uh, uh,

23:08

you know, having dramatic mood swings and not

23:11

knowing where they're coming from or,

23:14

you know, desire to be

23:16

a little be too prickly, you know, and

23:18

overreact all these different kinds of things

23:21

if, uh, that's what

23:24

the man in your life, your husband, your boyfriend,

23:26

fiancé, whatever is like then,

23:29

uh, I would say go

23:31

ahead and and read the book for yourself

23:33

to understand it. But, but,

23:35

but and then

23:37

don't give the book. Uh,

23:40

listen carefully to what I say here. Don't give

23:42

the book at your husband. You

23:45

get me? You feel me? Uh, don't

23:47

give it, Adam. But

23:49

you might be able to say

23:51

something like, uh, I read this

23:54

book, and I think it was

23:56

very illuminating, and

23:58

I think you'd enjoy it, and then kind of

24:00

just leave it at that and then pray,

24:03

pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, uh,

24:05

you know, prayer, prayer moves, mountains

24:08

and, uh, and, and labor

24:10

can move mountains, too, but it takes

24:12

a lot longer. Uh, you know, the,

24:15

the Spirit of God can do in a, in

24:17

a in an instant. You know what it

24:19

might take, um, years

24:22

of coaxing and trying

24:24

to persuade

24:26

someone to take action. So,

24:29

um, ultimately,

24:31

this has to be. Uh,

24:34

driven by the Holy Spirit. Uh,

24:37

the timing has to be right. And

24:39

you can't manufacture that. But.

24:41

But we can plead with

24:43

God to make it happen soon.

24:46

Make sense?

24:48

It makes an awful lot of sense. And

24:50

I thank you for saying that, because

24:52

I think that's we have a

24:54

lot of wives who are listening to

24:57

this program, and they are asking those

24:59

really hard questions. Um,

25:01

so let me give you the information again.

25:03

From Broken Boy to Mended Man

25:06

is our featured resource at Chris Fabry

25:08

Live org. The

25:11

subtitle is A Positive plan to heal

25:13

your childhood wounds and break the

25:15

cycle. If you feel

25:17

like you're in this fraternal order or broken

25:19

boys and you have these things as

25:21

I'm going through it. Patrick, I'm seeing

25:24

stuff in my own life, and I can and

25:26

I've been, you know, I've been doing this a long time.

25:28

I've been thinking about this stuff a long time. But there are

25:30

new things that have come up to me or for

25:32

me, and I want to bring that to you in our next

25:34

segment. So we'll take a quick break. Come back.

25:37

We're not live with you today. Don't

25:39

call us. But if you go to the website,

25:42

you can find out more about Patrick Morley

25:44

and the book From Broken Boy to Mended

25:47

Man. Just go to Chris Fabry

25:49

live. Org Chris Fabry

25:51

live. Org. Doctor

26:05

Patrick Morley is our guest at the Radio

26:07

Backyard Fence. Our program is recorded

26:10

and the book comes out that we're

26:12

talking about in March 19th,

26:14

from Broken Boy to Mended

26:17

Man. And my guess is,

26:19

if we could open the phone lines right now,

26:21

there would be a flood of calls

26:23

from the men who are seeing themselves,

26:25

but also the women who see the

26:27

men in their lives as

26:30

these broken boys

26:32

and the struggles

26:34

that they have. So here's what I want to do.

26:36

Your issue, Patrick,

26:38

was abandonment.

26:41

You felt like your parents,

26:44

um, didn't give you

26:46

really what you needed as you look back

26:48

on it. And this is not about tossing

26:50

them away or hurting

26:52

their memory. You even said I

26:54

honor the memory of my dad, but

26:57

I have had this thing in my

26:59

life that kind of mirrors

27:02

what you're talking about. So let

27:04

me ask you this first before I talk about me.

27:06

Well, I want to hear your story. I am totally

27:08

interested in your story. You'll do it.

27:10

The abandonment issue

27:12

that you had, what did that

27:14

lead you to become?

27:16

Or how did you live out that

27:19

abandonment later

27:21

in your life? What what did it lead you to?

27:24

Well, first of all, complete despair.

27:26

I went through periods of, uh,

27:29

you know, sadness that I now realize

27:31

would be technically clinical

27:34

depression. I was in the Army, my. When I

27:36

quit high school, I joined the Army.

27:38

Actually, my dad drove me down to the enlistment

27:40

office. He. He had been having

27:42

these headaches, and he was planning to get his

27:44

glasses prescription changed. But when

27:47

he dropped after he dropped me off at the enlistment

27:49

office, his headaches went away. So he didn't need to.

27:51

He didn't need to get the new glasses.

27:53

So it's, you know, I was

27:55

I was a handful at that point. I was pretty out

27:57

of control. I skipped all our part of 73

28:00

days of my junior year and then quit

28:02

in the middle of my senior year, so I

28:04

was pretty out of control. Um, so

28:06

I was I was just very, very angry.

28:09

Had a chip on my shoulder, uh,

28:12

you, I very

28:15

distrustful and so. And

28:17

I'm a naturally trusting kind of a person.

28:20

The fact is, is that I

28:22

automatically trust people

28:24

until they give me a reason to not trust

28:26

them. And then here's the problem.

28:29

I write them off completely. Now,

28:31

I don't do that anymore. And I haven't done that for

28:33

a couple of decades. But my tendency

28:36

in business and I built a pretty big company.

28:38

My tendency was, is that you

28:40

have my full trust and confidence, but

28:42

if you if you

28:45

betray that, then we're done.

28:47

And that's a vow that I apparently took

28:49

as a youth. If you don't need me any more than

28:51

I'm done with you, or if you, you know. So

28:54

that would be one major way.

28:56

Uh, but I also. And

28:59

guys. It.

29:01

It hurts me to tell you this story.

29:04

But it would hurt me, and perhaps

29:06

even you more not to tell you the story.

29:09

One way that illustrates

29:12

how my brokenness,

29:15

uh, came out was in my marriage

29:17

to my new wife. So,

29:21

guys, you know this is true

29:23

when you have all this

29:25

pent up frustration and

29:27

or anger from your work, you

29:30

don't you don't put it on display

29:32

there because of loss

29:34

of reputation or perhaps even risk

29:36

to your employment itself. You

29:39

you come home that way, and

29:41

then your wife does some little thing

29:43

that's. And you explode

29:45

all out of proportion to

29:47

whatever little minor offense it was. And so

29:49

one day I was, uh,

29:52

all pent up and this is actually before

29:54

work, and I was ranting

29:57

and raving in the kitchen, pacing

29:59

back and forth. My wife was

30:01

sitting there and, uh, but

30:03

I was I was basically

30:06

taking everything out on her. And

30:09

I looked over. She had these large

30:11

tears rolling down her face and,

30:14

uh, I was transfixed. I couldn't look

30:16

away after what seemed like a

30:19

brief eternity. She asked

30:21

me this question. She

30:23

said, Pat, is

30:26

there anything about me that you like?

30:30

Well, I felt like I'd been tasered.

30:32

So I wandered off to the office

30:35

and spent the rest of the morning looking out the window

30:37

and thinking to myself, you know, Marty, you

30:39

really are just a nobody had a nowhere.

30:41

And it was really true. And

30:44

that was, uh, that, that that's

30:46

a very good illustration of how the brokenness

30:48

was manifesting itself in my life.

30:51

But now I want to hear your story.

30:53

Well, the other I want to add one thing

30:55

to that the self-sufficiency

30:57

that you needed. You.

30:59

Yeah. You ended up on

31:02

a self-sufficient, self-made man.

31:04

And that's what your your counselor said to

31:06

you. A physically or emotionally abandoned child

31:08

will become either self-sufficient or

31:10

stymied in life because

31:12

they feel something is wrong with them. And

31:15

so you overcompensated, right?

31:17

Yeah, yeah. And that's one of the nine characteristics

31:20

of Broken Boys that, uh, our readers

31:22

will find in the book. And that is

31:24

that that you, you, you are either the

31:27

responsible son or especially immature

31:29

for your age. And, uh, it

31:31

does it does seem, uh, in

31:33

research bears this out that

31:35

broken boys really take 1 or 2 paths.

31:37

They become this, like, super responsible,

31:39

dependable, always kind of me. I'm

31:42

the. I'm the protector of the family. I'm

31:44

the. I'm the leader. I'm the one you count

31:46

on when. When the chips are down. Or

31:48

you become this very immature person

31:51

who is very irresponsible,

31:53

who can't hold a job or doesn't want to hold a job.

31:55

And and it's it's interesting how that

31:58

works out, but what

32:00

we're talking about is going to, to extremes,

32:03

to extremes.

32:04

Okay, so it was 25

32:07

years ago that I made

32:09

a decision to work

32:12

full time freelance because I was doing,

32:14

you know, doing the radio thing that I still do

32:16

and doing the writing thing. And there was

32:18

so much that was going on there that to

32:20

have a full time job, it didn't to

32:22

me, it didn't make sense anymore. Um,

32:25

and so I was going to go out on my own

32:27

and see what would happen with that. And

32:29

I hadn't told either my

32:32

parents they were living. This was in 1999,

32:35

so I hadn't told either of

32:37

them of my decision. And

32:40

finally I got the the nerve up.

32:42

And it was really hard to say, okay, here's

32:44

what's going on and here's what I'm planning to

32:46

do. And this is what I'm this

32:48

is where I'm going, you know, with my employment.

32:50

Now, do you have to know that that my

32:53

father was he's a part time farmer,

32:55

but he he worked at a chemical plant

32:57

for 30 plus years. So

32:59

he, he invested in one place that he

33:01

worked and that was it, and paid

33:04

all of his bills and was very

33:06

grew up in the depression. You know, we

33:08

had all of the canned foods,

33:11

the green beans and everything down in the,

33:13

in the cellar because, you know,

33:15

that might happen again. So

33:18

I tell him the story, you know, here's what I'm

33:20

going to do. And

33:22

there's this long pause.

33:24

And what I'm hoping for

33:26

is, hey, you're going to fly.

33:29

You're going to do great wage. We

33:31

believe it. You know, all that. And

33:33

there was this long pause and

33:36

my dad said, usually it was my mom

33:39

that said anything. You know, she would

33:41

always pretty much dominate the conversation.

33:44

But my dad took a breath and

33:46

he said, well, they're laying people

33:48

off up at the nickel plant.

33:50

Oh, wow. Wow.

33:52

And that was,

33:54

you know, I knew. See,

33:56

here's the other thing could happen. You can

33:59

explain that away and

34:01

you can say, well, you know this. He grew

34:03

up in the depression and it didn't know anything

34:05

else. But the one company is like and it was scary

34:07

to him to, you know, all of that. And

34:09

I understand that. And again, I honor

34:12

him like you do your dad. But

34:14

what that did to me was

34:16

you don't have what it takes. I

34:18

don't think you can do this. You're going to have

34:20

to get a job here when this whole this

34:22

whole thing falls through. And

34:24

so that created in

34:27

me the, um, the

34:29

scarcity mindset that

34:31

when anything. I was just yesterday, Pat,

34:33

I was driving, we were driving, my wife

34:36

and I were driving to a thing in the car engine,

34:38

you know, the engine light comes on

34:40

and I had to turn around. You

34:43

know, we're like just a few miles from. And we'd

34:45

limp home in this automobile.

34:47

But I'm immediately thinking,

34:49

how much is it going to cost? What's this going

34:51

to. You know.

34:52

And I'm, I'm, I'm that.

34:55

Scarcity mindset has

34:57

just grabbed a hold of me and I can

34:59

see it not only holding

35:01

me back, but then leaking over

35:03

into the people that I care about.

35:06

Wow. Yeah.

35:09

So, Chris, thank you

35:11

for sharing that. That means a lot to

35:13

me. I know it means a lot to your listeners, too.

35:16

Um, because they're with you every day,

35:18

right? Um,

35:20

I think the, uh, I

35:22

think that the, the

35:24

arc of this book, if you will,

35:27

it's three parts. And

35:29

the first part is. But

35:33

what happened to me as a kid?

35:35

I mean, I didn't know what was going

35:37

on. I was just a kid. How am I supposed

35:39

to know? How am I supposed to know that my parents

35:41

are supposed to protect me? How am

35:43

I supposed to know them? My parents are supposed

35:45

to, uh, speak words

35:47

of affirmation and love and

35:50

and into my life. How am I,

35:52

I, I didn't miss it at the time

35:54

because I didn't know that was what was normal

35:57

and, uh, or

35:59

the what you're talking about words

36:02

that are deflating and

36:04

take the air out of the balloon. So

36:08

you if man,

36:10

if you're listening, if you're trying to solve the wrong

36:12

problem, you can only succeed

36:14

by accident. So you.

36:16

So I'm a solutions guy,

36:19

but in part one, we

36:21

of this book, we do need to take the time

36:23

to understand what really happened to

36:25

you as a child, to unravel

36:28

that a problem

36:30

properly understood, is at least

36:32

half solved. So the saying goes. And so

36:35

part one is to really help you

36:37

understand that. And so if you were

36:39

Chris reading the book, or you heard my

36:41

story and you're reading the book, you would

36:43

be able to begin to see some patterns

36:46

and draw some connections. That would be very

36:48

helpful. Uh, the second

36:50

part of the book then, is getting

36:52

on to the solution. It's this healing

36:54

process that's been around for centuries.

36:57

Uh, I'm going to I'm going to walk you through

36:59

a healing process so you can process

37:01

all of these, uh, different thoughts

37:04

and wounds and actually exercises. You

37:06

have a chance to literally write those

37:08

things down and to think

37:10

about them. And I'll show you some things

37:12

that I wrote down so you can have some examples.

37:15

And then the third part of the book

37:17

is breaking the cycle for

37:20

your own life going forward.

37:22

Marriage, children if you have that friends

37:24

and, and and also other men

37:27

that you, uh, might

37:29

have in your life that you realize after reading

37:31

the book are probably struggling

37:33

with some childhood wounds, unresolved

37:35

childhood wounds too. So,

37:38

um, again, thank you for sharing that,

37:41

Chris. And that's exactly the kind

37:43

of thing that I'm interested in helping men with.

37:45

It really.

37:46

Is.

37:47

It really is freeing. And life

37:49

giving is titled From Broken Boy

37:51

to Mended Man by Patrick

37:54

Morley. We have a link right there

37:56

at Chris Fabry Live org. It comes

37:58

out in a few days, March 19th,

38:00

but you can see it at Chris Fabry live.

38:03

Org. One of

38:05

the things that Patrick

38:07

mentions is the art of

38:10

kintsugi, and we'll talk about

38:12

that straight ahead on Moody Radio.

38:23

This is Chris Fabry live on Moody Radio.

38:25

When I heard about the devotional Cornette

38:27

came up with, I said, that's it,

38:29

that's it. I need that signed

38:32

up for it. And guess what you can do?

38:34

I've been telling you about their ministry.

38:36

Carnet is around the country and

38:38

something like 1200 pregnancy

38:41

resource centers. They've

38:43

saved babies lives. They've

38:45

helped change the lives of a

38:47

lot of men and women. And

38:49

one of the free resources they're offering

38:51

right now is a 40 day devotional

38:53

inspired by the stories from

38:56

the frontlines of the work to save unborn

38:58

lives. It's called a lifeline of

39:00

Hope. It compiles these

39:02

remarkable testimonies from

39:05

cabinet's pregnancy decision line,

39:07

which is a great ministry. Click

39:09

the Green Connect button at Chris Fabry

39:11

Live org. You can see

39:13

that free resource a lifeline

39:16

of hope. Hope you'll download

39:19

that. And part of the response

39:21

then is you read the stories and then you

39:23

begin to pray for the people who are behind the scenes

39:26

doing that work. Just

39:28

go to Chris Fabry live.org

39:30

and click the green connect button.

39:32

Today doctor Patrick.

39:34

Morley is with us. From Broken

39:36

Boy to Mended Man

39:39

is our featured resource. It comes out

39:41

in, uh, well, March

39:43

19th. You do the math. Uh,

39:46

I mentioned kintsugi because I had

39:48

heard this. I've heard this from several different

39:50

authors, and it's this idea

39:53

of having something that is broken,

39:55

mended with gold lacquer,

39:58

and it becomes even more beautiful

40:01

in the midst of its brokenness.

40:03

That's kind of what you're trying to lead

40:05

us through, isn't it, Patrick?

40:07

Yes. So one of the chapters deals

40:09

with what's the joy of walking

40:11

with the limp? That's the name of the chapter.

40:13

So if you get

40:16

involved with

40:18

me and we go through this book together

40:20

and it is it would be an experience

40:22

for you. It's not just an intellectual read.

40:25

You're going to find

40:27

yourself liberated.

40:30

You're going to find yourself experiencing

40:32

freedom that you had never felt

40:35

before, because you're going to have

40:37

new knowledge. And

40:40

in the process of all that, you're going

40:42

to go through this process of

40:44

healing. And when you finally

40:46

get to the point where you get out of denial

40:48

and face the truth, the next step

40:50

in this process is grieving. And

40:53

so you are going to grieve,

40:55

and then you're going to go

40:58

through a few other steps of forgiving.

41:00

And but here's the thing is

41:02

that the pain of some of these

41:04

things will

41:06

get better, but some of them

41:08

will rear their ugly heads

41:10

again. Kind of like whack a mole.

41:13

But what I discovered

41:15

is that talking about

41:17

this and being personally vulnerable, not

41:20

trying to pretend I don't have cracks,

41:23

but rather literally drawing

41:25

attention to them, has really helped

41:27

me heal and continues

41:29

to help me heal. And that's what Kintsugi

41:32

is all about. You know, it's using gold

41:34

to repair the cracks, but it actually drawing

41:36

attention to the imperfections. Yes.

41:39

Instead of concealing them so.

41:40

Well in that, in that sense,

41:42

the wound becomes the ministry.

41:44

And I've seen it so many times. The wound

41:46

of your childhood has set others

41:48

free because you are courageous

41:51

enough to walk through it. So

41:53

why do this then? Why?

41:55

Why go through the pain of bringing

41:57

all that up back there? I can hear some guys

41:59

saying that I don't want to bring all that up. You just

42:01

gotta move forward. Forget what's past. Why

42:04

do this?

42:06

Yeah, I and I, and I can hear

42:08

the man saying that as well. And

42:10

I feel the desire to, you

42:12

know, avoid pain. Right. Here's

42:15

the question for you. If

42:18

you look down the road 5 or 10

42:20

years. Is

42:23

there anything that you're doing now

42:25

that's going to change

42:28

the way you are? Then

42:31

do you really want to stay

42:33

the same way for the next five,

42:35

ten, or even more years? If

42:38

you are hearing this broadcast, wouldn't

42:41

it make sense to say that perhaps

42:43

God is sovereignly orchestrated you

42:45

to hear this broadcast, or your spouse

42:47

to hear this broadcast because

42:50

God has something more for you

42:53

than wondering if

42:55

people really care about you or not, or

42:57

being oversensitive and, uh,

43:00

often misreading what people intend or being easily

43:02

angered or being oversensitive,

43:05

uh, or not really

43:08

knowing what healthy male

43:10

behavior actually looks like. Those are

43:12

some of the characteristics. Um,

43:14

I've been through this process, and I

43:16

want to share with you

43:19

what I've learned so that you don't have to go through

43:21

it or you can

43:23

certainly accelerate the process of

43:25

healing for yourself. So that's

43:27

the big question. And that's the big why.

43:30

So there really is hope.

43:33

There really is healing for the guy who's

43:35

listening today. And it's like every time

43:37

this thing happens, I get angry

43:39

at whether at work or at home, you know,

43:41

all these things that are leaking through in my

43:44

life. You're saying there is

43:46

a and and and God is

43:48

a part of that too, right?

43:50

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Now I'm going

43:52

to say this, this book

43:54

can be helpful to you regardless

43:57

of your beliefs about God. I've written it in

43:59

that way. However, I've

44:01

also written it for people who have a

44:03

faith that they can maximize

44:05

what God has for them at the same time.

44:08

Um, talk to the wife before we end

44:10

here, Patrick, who says,

44:13

I don't see any change and

44:15

he's not interested in looking at any

44:17

of this stuff. You've already told her,

44:19

you know, go through the book

44:21

yourself and and work

44:24

through it yourself. But what

44:26

would you say to her?

44:27

Well, cling to hope. You know your one decision

44:29

away or your husband is one decision

44:32

away from the

44:34

freedom that comes from being

44:36

fully alive in Jesus. No

44:38

man fails on purpose, but

44:40

neither does any man succeed by accident.

44:43

And so, uh, he's just

44:45

your your husband, your man. He's just one

44:47

decision away from

44:50

understanding who it is that God created

44:52

him to be, and then becoming fully alive

44:54

in Jesus. My vision for the book

44:56

is to help as many men as possible,

44:59

heal their childhood wounds, break the

45:01

cycle, and in the process

45:03

become devoted or more

45:05

devoted followers of Jesus.

45:08

It's the most personal book I've written, you

45:10

know, of the 23 that I've written,

45:12

it really is hitting a nerve. And,

45:15

uh, I heard a

45:17

man got an advance copy

45:19

of the book, Immense Leader. And,

45:21

uh, he's a counselor, and, uh, he

45:23

said that for the for the first time,

45:26

somebody understands what

45:28

I've been going through. Yeah, another

45:30

another guy, uh, read

45:32

the book, and he said, I need to go get counseling,

45:36

you know, so, uh, you know,

45:38

don't know what's going to happen exactly. But

45:40

I do know this. Will

45:42

you be better off ten years from now if

45:44

you just keep doing what you've been doing? Probably not.

45:47

You know what I, I see here, Patrick,

45:50

is when when Jesus raised

45:52

Lazarus from the dead, you know,

45:54

he he was fully alive. And

45:56

when he came out, though, he

45:59

wasn't unwrapped, you know, he had

46:01

to have there were people who

46:03

had to unwrap the grave

46:05

clothes from him. And

46:07

I think you're one of those people for

46:10

a lot of men. You've been that for me,

46:12

and I want to thank you for that. But you're one of

46:14

those people who helps unwrap us so that we're

46:17

we experience the fullness

46:19

of the freedom and the abundant life that

46:21

Jesus wants for us. Um,

46:23

from broken boy to mended man, a

46:25

positive plan to heal your childhood wounds

46:28

and break the cycle. It's our

46:30

featured resource. Just go to Chris Fabry live

46:32

org. Patrick Morley,

46:35

thanks for being with us today.

46:37

Thank you so much, Chris, and to all the men

46:39

and women who have listened today, I

46:41

pray that God would give

46:43

you the desires of your heart.

46:45

Chris Fabry Live is a production of Moody

46:47

Radio.

46:48

A ministry of Moody Bible Institute.