0:05

You're frustrated parent. Have you tried to

0:08

instill character and values into your kids,

0:10

but you feel like there's something

0:12

missing, maybe in the behavior

0:14

of your children or maybe in

0:16

your own expectations? You're

0:18

trying really hard, but you feel like

0:21

there's more. I want

0:23

you to hear Melissa's story today. She

0:25

was so excited about a year ago

0:27

to take the things that God was teaching her

0:30

as a mom and put them in readable form.

0:32

And just as the book was about

0:34

to come out, which is one of the

0:36

best moments of any writer, she

0:39

and her family went through some really, really

0:41

deep water, and

0:43

the valley she entered, I

0:45

think, informs the topic that we're

0:47

going to talk about today. I guarantee

0:49

you, you're going to want to hear the story behind the story

0:52

of inconvenient

0:54

parenting. It's our featured resource

0:56

at Chris Fabry Live. Org Melissa

0:59

Hannigan is standing by and

1:01

you'll hear from her straight ahead on Chris Avery

1:03

live. Welcome to the radio backyard fence.

1:05

Welcome to our first Monday in March.

1:07

Let's make it a good one. What do you say thanks

1:10

for? In order for our teammates, Ryan McConaughey

1:12

doing all things technical. Tricia's our producer

1:14

in the chair today, Anthony will be answering your

1:16

calls. And to our faithful

1:19

supporters of this program, thank you. This

1:21

month, I want to send you a copy

1:23

of a book by Glenna marshall. Glenn is going

1:25

to be with us tomorrow, and

1:27

I have so many questions about

1:30

memorizing Scripture. That's

1:32

the title. Have you hidden God's Word

1:34

in your heart? When you do that,

1:36

you're able to meditate on it in

1:39

what she calls the cracks

1:41

of your day, in the grocery line,

1:43

at the stoplight, as you do dishes,

1:46

as you drive to work. But

1:48

you say I can't memorize it. That's

1:50

for kids. My kids can memorize,

1:52

you know, chapters and passages

1:55

and whole books of the Bible. I

1:57

can't remember somebody's name who tells me

2:00

30s later. I can't remember what their first

2:02

name. I want you to listen to Glenda tomorrow.

2:04

She says she has the same trouble,

2:06

that short term memory, and she'll

2:08

tell you what the brain is doing. But

2:11

she says she's been able to memorize verses

2:13

and passages and chapters

2:16

and even whole books

2:18

of the Bible. And she says, if I can do that, you

2:21

can to give a gift of any

2:23

size. I guarantee you this book

2:25

will not only motivate you to memorize

2:28

and then meditate, you know,

2:30

kind of ruminate on the Scripture. It's going to

2:32

encourage you and it will help you

2:34

believe, I think I can do this.

2:37

Call (866) 953-2279.

2:41

Give a gift of any size. Be as generous

2:44

as you can like William did over the weekend. William.

2:46

Uh. Hats off. Thank you,

2:49

but don't hold back if if you feel

2:51

like, well, my gift is not going to make a difference,

2:53

it will click through to

2:55

Chris Fabry live.org.

2:58

It'll be a real encouragement to hear from you

3:00

Chris Fabri live. Org or

3:02

86695

3:05

favorite. Melissa

3:07

Hannigan holds a master of Arts degree

3:10

in counseling from Midwestern Theological

3:12

Seminary. Before becoming a full

3:14

time homeschool mom, Melissa

3:16

worked with teen girls to overcome

3:18

abuse, addiction, and trauma.

3:21

She is passionate about helping

3:23

people discover God's best for their lives.

3:25

She's married to John. They are the parents of four

3:28

children. Are featured. Resource

3:30

is Inconvenient Parenting

3:32

subtitled activate your child's

3:34

God given traits.

3:36

Melissa. Welcome to the program. How are you doing today?

3:40

Great. Thank you so much for having me, Chris.

3:42

Before we talk about your valley,

3:45

let's talk a little bit about Melissa. How

3:47

long have you and John been married?

3:50

Yeah. So we've been married 18 years,

3:52

I think. Gosh, it feels like

3:54

forever. I'm like, I have to do the math in my head.

3:57

Yes. Um, 18 years

3:59

and we have four children

4:01

together. But very

4:04

early on in our marriage, we moved

4:06

to seminary, and I got my master's

4:08

degree. Um, and so he's kind of been

4:11

my partner along for the journey

4:13

through all, well, really this whole book

4:15

process. But even before that,

4:17

you know, just my job,

4:20

I worked like you mentioned, uh, at

4:22

a it was actually a. Incarceration

4:25

a criminal? Gosh. My words.

4:27

It was a prison for teenage girls.

4:29

Um, right at a seminary. First

4:31

job. You know, I'm this very

4:34

optimistic young new

4:36

counselor, and I end

4:38

up in this, uh, prison for teenage girls.

4:40

It was a moderate risk facility, but

4:43

I got to do full time counseling

4:45

for 14 girls on my caseload, and it

4:47

was life changing,

4:49

to say the least. Eye opening. And

4:52

I saw some of the hardest, saddest,

4:54

most broken children, honestly,

4:57

that, um, I got the opportunity to

4:59

speak some truth and life into. But it

5:01

was a hard road for sure.

5:03

What did you learn from them? What

5:06

did they teach you?

5:07

Well, practically, they taught me how to crochet.

5:10

So one of their like, uh, habits.

5:13

One of the things I got to do for free time was crochet.

5:15

And so they taught me how to make granny squares,

5:17

which came really handy. As we were doing

5:19

counseling, I found that they would open

5:22

up more if they weren't sitting across from me

5:24

staring at my eyes, but we were both

5:26

kind of working on a project side by side. And so

5:28

I learned, you know, how to crochet.

5:31

And I also learned how

5:33

to. Do counseling,

5:36

honestly. I mean, I did an internship before that,

5:38

but really it was my first time getting my

5:40

hands dirty and and really in

5:42

the thick of some

5:44

really, really hard things. Um,

5:47

I walked away with

5:49

a deeper understanding of trauma

5:52

and, um, just the the

5:54

brokenness of the world. John, my

5:56

husband, who's six, five, would

5:58

come and bring me lunch and it was a,

6:00

a keyed facility,

6:02

so we'd have to buzz him in. And sometimes

6:04

the girls would be in counseling in my office, and

6:07

they would see him bring me food in, and they

6:09

would say, Miss Melissa, aren't you scared he's going to hurt

6:11

you? And it broke my heart because

6:13

their view of men was just dangerous.

6:15

And so one of the things we got to do

6:17

as a family was to participate in family

6:19

days. And so they would see John and I

6:22

and our two young, our oldest at the time were

6:24

like two and four, um, to

6:26

just be a family that was relatively

6:28

healthy and, and living life out in front

6:30

of them. And so that was that was really a special

6:32

time for our family.

6:34

I've always thought of,

6:36

uh, of counseling after

6:38

having gone through it myself, uh,

6:40

for, for a while. I've always thought

6:42

that the strong point of a counselor

6:45

is just somebody who listens well,

6:47

who actively not only

6:49

here's what you say,

6:52

but brings it in

6:54

and then allows you to

6:56

hear their perspective on what they've

6:58

heard. Is that close to what you try

7:00

to do?

7:01

Yes, I know, I tell friends,

7:03

um, whenever we talk about counseling, it's

7:05

really just being a available

7:08

being a person that can listen well,

7:10

um, and yeah, like you said, holding up what

7:12

they say to you so that they can kind of hear

7:14

themselves and what they're

7:17

saying out loud and letting them evaluate,

7:19

is that really what I'm thinking and feeling with

7:21

the girls? I got to do some more practical,

7:23

like goal setting, problem

7:26

solving, some very practical things that these

7:28

girls just didn't have tools to

7:30

do. And so that was also part

7:32

of it was literally sitting down with pen

7:34

and paper and teaching them how to make specific

7:36

goals. What are, um, long

7:39

term healthy life goals? Because

7:41

some of these, their goals were not

7:43

things that we as parents would necessarily say

7:45

we'd want our kids to have. And

7:47

so helping them identify healthy life goals

7:49

was a big part of it. But yeah, being

7:51

a person that listens, a relationship,

7:54

um, a lot of these girls never

7:56

had an adult woman. Just

7:58

listen to them and be there for them and

8:00

encourage them. And I prayed so hard for those

8:03

girls. Um, and so, yeah,

8:05

just they became like my children. I would

8:07

have adopted them all if my husband would have let me.

8:10

Well, I was going to say you probably

8:12

as you as you counseled with

8:14

them, you probably thought of your own children

8:17

or the children that were going to come along later

8:19

on, perhaps. And and

8:21

what you would say to your own children

8:23

in the, in those situations, praying

8:26

that they never have to go through some of the deep

8:28

waters that those girls did. Right.

8:30

Oh for sure. And I saw

8:33

things that happened in their lives and

8:35

lessons that they didn't learn, that I was

8:37

going to be certain that I was going to make sure

8:39

to do with my children, like

8:41

how to healthy, how to handle

8:43

anger in a healthy way. That was one of the things

8:45

that a lot of these girls had never been modeled or

8:47

taught. And so I knew early

8:50

on with my kids, starting with my son,

8:52

like, how do I teach

8:54

him to recognize his emotions

8:56

and then how to process them and handle them

8:58

in a healthy way? Um, and what's

9:00

interesting is all of that really got used

9:03

to feed into the book. I got to write

9:05

in the chapter on sensitivity. A lot of those lessons

9:07

that these girls helped me learn,

9:10

um, that then God used, you know,

9:12

throughout my parenting journey. And

9:14

I share in the book with other

9:16

parents.

9:17

This is going to this book Inconvenient

9:19

Parenting is going to give, I

9:22

think, a certain sense of freedom to

9:24

somebody who's listening today, who feels

9:27

I've got to do it right. I got to do everything

9:29

the way that, you know, I need to do it and and

9:31

get the list out. And it's, you

9:33

know, there's something wrong with that, too. Um,

9:36

inconvenient parenting activate your child's

9:38

God given traits is written by Melissa

9:40

Hannigan. When we come back, I

9:42

want you to hear about the Valley. I want

9:44

you to hear about the loss

9:47

and how walking through

9:49

that, as Melissa and John

9:51

did, as well as the rest of the family. As

9:53

they walked through that. It

9:55

informed everything that we're talking

9:57

about here today. Find out more

9:59

at the website Chris Fabry live.

10:02

Org. Inconvenient

10:13

parenting. What is it and

10:16

how can it help you no matter what stage

10:18

of parenting you're in? To

10:20

activate your child's God given traits

10:22

are featured. Resource is that book by

10:24

Melissa Hannigan and Chris Fabry. Live or

10:27

click through today's information. You'll see it right there

10:30

Chris Fabry live, dawg.

10:32

All right, so you have

10:34

four children and

10:37

you wrote this book and it was a dream

10:39

and John was cheering you on and rah

10:41

rah, it's going to be great. It's

10:44

going to come out of toward

10:46

the end of the summer, I think it was last year.

10:49

And then.

10:50

August.

10:51

1st. August. Yeah. And and

10:53

then it was in June,

10:55

I believe. Walk me

10:57

through what happened.

10:59

Yeah. So actually, the first week of

11:01

June, we were getting all ready, packed

11:04

up to head to Colorado for

11:06

several weeks. Um, Joey,

11:08

our oldest son, uh, he

11:10

was going to stay behind for a week. He had the act

11:13

scheduled on Saturday, and then he was going to catch

11:15

a flight to join us in Colorado on

11:17

Sunday and Tuesday.

11:19

It was my, uh, youngest daughter's

11:21

dance recital. So my husband drops

11:23

my daughter and I off for some, like,

11:26

pre recital dress rehearsal. And

11:29

immediately, as soon as he leaves, he gets a phone

11:31

call from our son who says, dad,

11:33

uh, something happened, and

11:36

he says, I'm bleeding from my head.

11:38

And my husband's like, okay, well, how

11:40

bad is it? You know, triaging the situation?

11:42

And then he casually mentions, oh, and I can't

11:44

feel my arms or legs either. So

11:46

of course my husband is panicked

11:49

and driving as fast as he safely

11:51

could, probably even faster than he safely

11:53

could to get to where my son was. He had

11:55

he was over at a friend's house. Um,

11:57

he dove into their swimming pool, a pool

11:59

he swam at all summer long, multiple

12:02

times. Um, but this particular

12:04

day, he jumped a little bit

12:06

too high. Too steep. He was a big boy, six

12:08

two, and he hit the top of his

12:10

head just right and fractured

12:13

his spine. Um, and

12:16

it was a whirlwind that day, you

12:18

know, that. They took him by helicopter

12:20

to the children's hospital. I'm stranded at

12:22

the college where my daughter's dance

12:24

recital was, calling a friend

12:26

to come pick me up. It's kind of all a blur, but

12:29

once we get to the hospital and the doctors

12:31

have taken a look at him, they confirmed that

12:33

he had done probably

12:36

permanent spinal damage where he was

12:38

going to be paralyzed, and

12:40

that was a lot to take in.

12:42

Um, of course Joey had such a

12:44

great attitude. He well, the first

12:47

thing he said when I walked into the emergency room,

12:49

he's like, mom, it's going to be okay, I'm

12:51

going to be okay. And he was so

12:53

calm and always reassuring me that

12:56

it was going to be fine. And we prayed

12:58

a lot. We asked God, you know, to

13:00

be with us in the midst of it. And,

13:02

um, he certainly was. So Joey

13:04

had surgery scheduled the next day.

13:07

Uh, we prayed, you know, God would

13:09

protect him and provide for him through it and

13:11

be with the surgeons. And and he was

13:13

the surgery ended up being almost ten hours,

13:16

but the doctor said it went

13:18

perfectly. Everything that he needed to do,

13:20

he did. And, uh, Joey

13:22

woke up early the next morning, and

13:24

the next day he started rehab. Um,

13:26

he was learning how to

13:28

function with no feeling from his

13:31

chest down. Uh, but the prognosis

13:33

was great. He was expected

13:36

to be able to continue to go to college.

13:38

And, you know, he told one of the techs

13:40

as he was rolling to one of the x rays, I

13:43

could still serve God from a wheelchair. I

13:45

mean, the kid had such faith

13:47

and peace and really, that

13:49

helped my husband and I to stay calm

13:51

and have peace. Um,

13:53

but a couple days after that, he

13:55

started to take a turn. And

13:58

we still don't honestly know to this day

14:00

exactly what caused it. But ultimately, he

14:02

had multiple strokes and

14:04

he went brain dead and and never

14:07

recovered. And it was such

14:09

a quick you know, we we

14:11

adjusted to the idea of the accident

14:13

and he's paralyzed. And we got through surgery

14:15

and he started therapy. And it

14:17

was just a roller coaster of emotion.

14:20

Um, and then ultimately

14:22

he passed away. And it was

14:24

a complete, utter shock to our entire

14:26

family. Um, my three

14:28

girls, you know, they were able to come up

14:30

to the hospital several times, uh,

14:33

while Joey was still awake and talking, and

14:36

and they didn't understand. He was fine. He

14:38

was okay. And now he's he's

14:40

not he's not going to wake up unless God

14:42

does a miracle. And ultimately,

14:44

at the end of June, June 29th,

14:47

he passed away and and went to be

14:49

with the Lord. Um, yeah.

14:52

I came home from the hospital, and one

14:54

of the first things that I saw were my author copies

14:57

of my book. You know, they send authors

14:59

ahead of time before it officially releases

15:02

copies for promotional things. And

15:05

I didn't even want to open the box. You

15:07

know it. I couldn't even imagine

15:09

feeling anything other than just utter

15:12

grief. And I knew

15:14

I dedicated the book to my four children,

15:16

and Joey never got to see the finished

15:18

product, and I just had so

15:20

much, honestly, anger

15:22

with the Lord. Like, Why God you knew?

15:25

I know God is sovereign. I know that nothing

15:27

took him by surprise, and yet he

15:29

allowed me to walk through this

15:32

book writing process. Even through

15:34

the hospital. There were so many times where I was

15:36

certain that God was going to use Joey's story

15:38

in a big way, that Joey's

15:41

legacy and and testimony

15:43

of faithfulness to God in the midst of

15:45

difficulty, I was certain

15:48

that God was. Going to have

15:50

a long life ahead for Joey, and all

15:52

of that went away instantly.

15:55

And so I struggled with confusion

15:58

and anger and just I

16:00

didn't understand. Um,

16:03

but God has been so faithful

16:06

and kind. You know, one of

16:08

the sweet things that I,

16:10

I think I knew this in a

16:12

cognitive way, but in a very practical,

16:15

real way experience. God

16:17

wants us to bring it all to him. All

16:19

of our feelings, all of our confusion, all

16:21

of our anger. He's big enough to handle it all.

16:24

And so it gave me freedom to

16:26

be honest with him and

16:28

truly he.

16:31

He was very gentle and

16:34

patient, but really, he

16:36

changed my heart towards the book. And it was probably

16:39

December time when

16:41

I really started to change a have a have

16:44

a change of heart towards the book.

16:46

I stopped being angry about

16:48

it and I started to see it as a gift.

16:51

I saw that so much of Joey

16:53

is all over these pages,

16:56

and I thought about the fact that

16:58

I look back over Joey's life,

17:00

and I'm grateful for

17:02

the relationship that we had, for the man

17:04

that he became and the

17:07

the path that God brought our family down

17:09

allowed me to be present and watch

17:11

his beautiful life bloom. And

17:14

he became who God created him to be.

17:16

And I got a front row seat to that. And

17:18

and so slowly, God made me

17:20

excited and then passionate about

17:23

the principles in this book that I

17:25

got to write. And so today,

17:27

I'm so excited to share with parents

17:29

the the urgency

17:32

to take every day with our kids

17:34

and and treasure them. And

17:36

no matter how inconvenient and messy

17:39

and frustrating it can be at times,

17:41

God is using it all for his good

17:44

and his glory. And so I,

17:46

I don't I don't think I would have imagined

17:48

that I could be where I am today with such

17:50

peace and confidence and

17:53

passion, but God has

17:55

just done a miracle in my own heart

17:57

and in our family. And so for that, I

17:59

am going to forever be grateful to God.

18:02

What did Joey want to do? What was

18:04

he preparing? If he was 16, he was

18:06

getting ready, right?

18:08

Yeah. So the summer before

18:10

this, at youth camp,

18:12

he responded to a call to ministry.

18:14

He knew that he wanted

18:16

to serve the Lord with his life, and so

18:19

he wasn't 100% sure what that would

18:21

look like it was either going to be. He had a heart

18:23

for missions. He also loved

18:25

serving in our youth group. And so he thought maybe

18:27

being a youth pastor was his future. So we

18:29

were looking at Bible colleges. Uh,

18:32

we were we had connections with missionary

18:34

friends overseas that he was going

18:36

to do some shadowing with, and

18:38

he was preparing for

18:40

a life of ministry.

18:44

Which doubly then makes

18:46

you unable to

18:48

understand you does like God

18:51

for sure, and wrap your mind around

18:53

that.

18:54

Oh, absolutely. I, I remember

18:56

one day in the hospital,

18:58

Joey had to have a procedure where

19:00

they put a pig line in, um,

19:02

and they attempted on one side and

19:05

they turned his ICU room into a sterile

19:07

room. So they had everybody leave except for

19:10

the medical professionals. And so

19:12

for an hour they attempted and it didn't work.

19:14

And Joey was fully awake at this point. And,

19:17

um, so we were preparing, we were praying over him

19:19

and saying goodbye, and we're going to leave.

19:21

And he

19:23

asked if I would stay. And I am

19:25

not the medical person in the family.

19:27

I usually don't do well with blood

19:30

stitches. That's my husband's strength.

19:32

I know my strength that it's not that.

19:34

But at that moment, Joey wanted

19:36

his mommy. And so I said absolutely.

19:39

I sent off a text to some of my close friends

19:41

and said, please pray for me that I don't pass out.

19:44

Um, but I remember standing next to

19:46

the hospital bed as this procedure went on

19:48

and we had worship music going the whole time

19:50

in the hospital room. And, and one of the songs

19:53

that came on is the blessing song,

19:55

where it talks about, um, praying

19:57

blessings over the generation

20:00

and the generation. And so I prayed

20:02

over Joey, you know, with

20:04

such confidence that God had a legacy

20:07

of faith, that he wanted

20:09

to be a father. He wanted to be

20:11

a a man who made a difference

20:13

in this world. And so I just I

20:15

saw that so clearly. And

20:18

after Joey passed, I was

20:20

again, I was confused. And anytime

20:22

that song would come on, I would kind of skip it because

20:24

I felt angry, like, God, you let me

20:27

stand there and and sing that and pray

20:29

that, knowing how it would end.

20:31

But one Sunday morning in particular,

20:33

I was driving to church with my oldest daughter,

20:35

and the song came on and she started singing

20:38

along. And I couldn't in good conscience

20:40

just turn it off. So I left it and I, I

20:42

started talking to God, and I was

20:44

reminding him of this situation and just

20:47

my confusion. And by the time

20:49

we got to church, um, I

20:51

had this Holy Spirit

20:53

kind of moment in my heart where the Lord

20:55

said. He has

20:58

a legacy. He has generations. He

21:00

led so many of his friends to walk

21:02

with the Lord and to

21:04

to relationship with him. And those

21:06

are his spiritual children.

21:09

And so I'm praying for those children,

21:11

and it just changed my whole perspective

21:13

on the loss, truly.

21:15

Like instead of seeing what

21:17

wasn't ever going to be, I'm never going to have grandchildren

21:19

from Joey, but I do have spiritual grandchildren

21:22

that I can pray for and encourage

21:24

and minister to to this day

21:27

and in the future. And so that

21:29

is so much more. I mean, the family

21:31

is important, but but our spiritual life

21:33

is even more important. And so I'm

21:35

just again, that's an example of God's kindness

21:38

and just changing my mind about things

21:41

that really gave me such hope and peace.

21:43

Yeah.

21:44

Tell the story about

21:47

the basketball team. Wasn't it a basketball

21:49

team that asked him? Yeah.

21:50

Yes. So this was the the

21:52

first night he was admitted to the hospital.

21:54

We were preparing for surgery the next day.

21:57

Of course, Joey was such a

21:59

big part of our our church and our

22:01

community. So everybody heard about

22:03

the accident right away. And,

22:05

um, so our church basketball

22:07

team, uh, reached out and asked me

22:09

for a verse. They wanted to dedicate their season

22:11

to Joey, and without

22:14

missing a beat, Joey says, oh, James

22:16

one two. Now that has been a verse

22:18

our family has really memorized

22:20

and held on to. But I was surprised

22:22

that my 16 year old son, laying in a hospital

22:25

bed paralyzed, could

22:27

call to mind. James one

22:29

two count it all joy when you face

22:31

various trials, because you know that

22:33

the testing of your faith develops perseverance

22:36

and perseverance must finish its

22:38

work so that she may be mature and complete.

22:40

And I was just humbled,

22:43

truly, by his faith

22:45

and his ability to to count

22:47

it all joy and to know that God was going to use

22:49

it to mature him and make him complete

22:52

in Christ. And so as

22:54

a mom, I just I

22:56

was so proud of him in that moment.

22:59

Yeah. When I heard that

23:01

story, I thought there's

23:03

there was something that was going on in

23:05

him way before

23:07

the accident. You know, there's something

23:09

that some stirring that God was

23:11

doing inside of him to bring him

23:13

to that point. And the

23:16

point that you made just a minute ago, that,

23:18

yeah, you will not have biological

23:21

grandchildren from Joey,

23:23

but the ministry, even today,

23:25

as you're telling the story, he

23:27

is minister. His life is ministering

23:29

to people who are listening to this. You know

23:32

that.

23:33

And it's so incredible

23:35

to me that God is allowing me

23:37

that opportunity, because there are a lot of

23:39

parents who lose wonderful children

23:42

that don't get the opportunity

23:44

to share like I do. And and so, again,

23:46

I see the book as God's gift to

23:48

me. And opening a door where,

23:50

yes, I love to talk about parenting

23:53

and all of the things that God taught me.

23:55

But more than anything, I get to talk

23:58

about God's faithfulness in our family and

24:00

in Joey's life, and that is

24:02

just incredible to me.

24:05

Are there? The grief will

24:07

sneak up on you, though, and maybe

24:09

even as you were telling the story because

24:11

you told it a few times now. Is

24:14

there a moment where you'll see something

24:16

in the day, or your think of his favorite food?

24:19

Or you know, those types of things?

24:21

Oh for sure. Um, for

24:23

me, it's usually at night when everybody's

24:26

in bed and the house is quiet

24:28

and I can kind of be

24:30

alone with my thoughts, and that's when

24:32

it really kind of hits me. Probably

24:34

also too, because in the last

24:37

year, once he turned 16,

24:39

um, you know, he had a driver's license,

24:41

he had a job, he had a social life.

24:43

And we were slowly letting go of

24:45

the, you know, the ropes a

24:47

little bit to give him some freedom. But

24:49

at night he would come home and

24:52

that's when he'd want to talk, and that's when he'd come

24:54

to the door and, you know, and so those are

24:56

the times that I feel the loss, you know,

24:58

the most.

24:59

Yeah.

25:00

And every parent who's listening, who's

25:02

had that kind of loss. Identifies

25:05

with exactly what you're talking about. Because

25:07

grief is individual, you

25:09

know, it's different for everybody, but

25:12

there's that season that you have to go to. So.

25:14

So that's the valley that Melissa

25:17

and her family have been through.

25:19

Now I want to turn to inconvenient

25:22

parenting and what that means and

25:24

how it might help you. And there are

25:26

some stories from Joey's life

25:28

from when he was younger as well

25:30

as his sisters, even

25:32

them dealing with the grief that they've gone

25:35

through that I want you to hear about. Go

25:37

to the website Chris Fabry live org.

25:39

Click through today's information. You'll see

25:42

inconvenient parenting. Activate

25:44

your child's God given traits

25:47

again, our featured resource at Chris Fabry

25:49

Live Dawg. The

26:05

pregnancy test was positive,

26:07

and the woman who had visited the Coronet

26:09

Resource Center began to cry,

26:11

and Linda from Connecticut,

26:14

watched the woman's face and prayed

26:16

that she would be able to find the courage

26:18

to choose life for her unborn child.

26:21

They offered free ultrasounds and

26:23

there was a nurse on duty, but the pregnancy

26:26

was pretty early in the gestation process,

26:28

and ultrasounds aren't usually able

26:30

to confirm a pregnancy at that point, but

26:32

Linda prayed. And the

26:34

nurse looked and and

26:37

said, finally, with

26:39

the ultrasound, there it is. There's

26:41

the embryonic sac. There

26:43

it is. But there were

26:45

no obvious signs of life to be

26:47

able to show. The mother and the pregnant

26:50

woman leaned closer. And

26:52

Linda prayed, Please God, we need to see

26:54

more. And

26:56

that's when they heard the clear and steady

26:59

sound that came

27:01

from the baby's heartbeat.

27:04

And the woman, the client said,

27:06

that's my baby. That

27:09

is a snapshot of the work

27:11

that CNet does every day. Click

27:13

the green Coronet button at Chris Fabry Live.

27:16

Org. Someone you know

27:18

will need the compassion, the

27:20

pro abundant life care that's

27:23

offered through their centers around the country.

27:25

Just go to Chris Fabry live. Org

27:27

click the green connect button

27:29

today. I guarantee you you're

27:31

going to be encouraged with their pro abundant

27:34

life approach. Melissa

27:37

Hannigan is with us today. Melissa, you had

27:39

an experience with a pregnancy resource

27:41

center, didn't you?

27:43

Yeah. So actually we

27:45

got pregnant with Joey a month after

27:47

we were newlyweds, and we

27:49

were young and had no idea

27:52

what to do. Had no medical insurance.

27:54

And I called a friend's mom

27:56

who recommended that we go to a pregnancy

27:58

resource center. And the

28:00

staff was so wonderful. You know,

28:03

we're panicked. Not

28:05

that we ever considered not continuing

28:07

life, but we just didn't know what to do. And

28:09

they held our hand through

28:11

figuring out doctor's appointments

28:14

and, you know, getting to hear that first

28:16

heartbeat. And so we, John

28:18

and I will forever support pregnancy resource

28:20

centers and the important work that they do.

28:22

Yeah.

28:23

I love that story. And now I'm going to

28:25

and again click the green caring button

28:28

at Chris Fabry Live. Org. That's

28:30

the kind of work they do every day.

28:33

Okay, so Inconvenient

28:35

Parenting is the title of the book you've

28:37

told us about this valley that you've been

28:39

through. What in the world does that mean?

28:42

Why did you title it Inconvenient Parenting?

28:46

Well, it is inconvenient, right?

28:48

Anybody who's a parent would probably

28:50

say, oh yeah, it's it's definitely

28:52

inconvenient at times. Um,

28:54

to be honest, uh, Moody

28:57

was not 100% on board with the

28:59

title at first because it doesn't

29:01

really give you a lot of hope and encouragement.

29:03

But my husband, John, actually was

29:05

the one that coined the term. And I

29:08

share a little bit about the story, uh,

29:10

in the book. But we were on a road trip

29:12

and I had started to implement these

29:15

qualities that I talk about in the book.

29:17

That brought some mess and some

29:20

inconveniences into our day, but

29:22

a lot of relationships and experiences

29:25

and helping our kids to figure

29:27

out who God created them to be. And and so we're

29:29

in the road, we're in the car, and the

29:31

girls are in the backseat singing.

29:33

And I was

29:35

patiently just letting them sing and

29:38

and I think John noticed some changes

29:40

that had taken place in me as a mom.

29:42

Uh, and so we had a conversation and he

29:44

said, I'm starting to get it, but

29:46

doesn't it give you more work? Isn't it more

29:49

inconvenient? And I thought,

29:51

you're right. It really is.

29:53

But isn't it worth it? Do

29:55

you see the joy that's taking place

29:57

in the backseat? They're. They're interacting

29:59

with each other and they're being creative,

30:01

and they're not on screens and they're not fighting

30:03

with each other. So I would call it a win, no matter

30:06

how inconvenient it is. And so that

30:08

was kind of the birth of the title of the

30:10

book.

30:11

So when you are in

30:13

some way inconvenienced,

30:16

you're on a good track, though

30:18

with my feeling, a lot of times

30:21

I don't want it to be inconvenient. If my son

30:23

asked me, you know, dad, can you show me how to do

30:25

this? And this was years ago,

30:27

but he would ask that it's much

30:29

easier. It's more convenient for

30:32

me to do it. I can do it a lot quicker,

30:34

rather than to have to spend the time

30:36

to, you know, to show him how to do

30:38

this. Right?

30:40

Right. Absolutely. And I that's

30:42

one of the things I had to learn. I

30:44

would rather clean the kitchen myself

30:46

than to teach my girls and my

30:49

son how to do it, because it does.

30:51

It takes more time, and it's not always done

30:53

exactly the way that I want it to be done.

30:55

But when I change my perspective

30:57

and I think about what is the long term

30:59

purpose of my parenting, is

31:02

it so that my life is easy? No.

31:04

It's so that my kids become everything

31:07

God created them to be, and so I

31:09

have to die to myself regularly, and

31:11

my comfort and my conveniences

31:14

for the sake of my children. And so,

31:16

honestly, I wanted to call the book Sacrificial

31:18

Parenting. I felt like that sounded more spiritual

31:21

and holy. But the truth

31:23

is, as parents, that's what we're called

31:25

to do is to sacrifice ourselves

31:27

for the sake of our kids to

31:29

become who God created them to be. And

31:31

so that's kind of the heart of the book,

31:34

um, changing parents thoughts

31:36

about what it means to be inconvenienced

31:38

and maybe seeing it as a good thing instead of

31:41

as an annoyance all the time.

31:42

Yes.

31:43

Or a way to when

31:45

you're annoyed to to busy

31:48

the child about something else so that

31:50

they're not, you know, as annoying. Right.

31:53

Um, so you mentioned one of the qualities

31:55

there just a minute ago joy,

31:57

the laughter, the fun

31:59

that you have. And there are a lot of

32:01

parents that have that

32:04

you can squelch that pretty easily.

32:06

So tell me more about Joy

32:08

and then some of the other qualities.

32:11

Okay. Well, first let me tell you. The qualities

32:14

came out of education world.

32:16

This researcher, Doctor Armstrong, identified

32:18

these 12 things that he found

32:21

consistently present in geniuses.

32:23

And he said, if we could bring them into classrooms,

32:26

students could have the best potential

32:28

for success. And so as a homeschool

32:30

mom, I was interested. I wanted my kids to

32:33

become not necessarily geniuses

32:35

like off the chart IQ, but the

32:37

best potential to be who they were

32:39

meant to be. But I was surprised

32:41

that humor, playfulness, and

32:43

joy were on the list of characteristics

32:46

that geniuses, you

32:48

know, exhibited, right? Like you'd think

32:50

creativity. Okay, that makes sense. Inventiveness,

32:53

for sure, but playfulness,

32:55

really. And yet it's true. When

32:57

our children are allowed to play,

33:00

they experience the world in ways that God

33:02

created them to, um, so

33:05

much of our. Apprehensions

33:08

and our filters kind of fall away when

33:10

we're laughing and we're having a good time. And

33:12

and learning happens naturally

33:15

when we're in that state. And again,

33:17

I as I study these, I realize God

33:19

created our children and us

33:22

with all of these things placed inside

33:24

of us. And so my job was

33:26

to just steward them and encourage

33:28

them and make space for them to blossom

33:31

in my kids and in myself and and

33:33

so, yeah, Joy is one of our favorite ones as

33:35

a family to really cultivate

33:38

and experience. And, you know,

33:40

Doctor Armstrong identified Joy as

33:42

kind of this aha moment in learning,

33:44

which is definitely one quality

33:46

of it. But, you know, as believers, we

33:49

understand that joy is so much deeper. It

33:51

circumvents circumstances and,

33:54

and, uh, our feelings. And

33:56

it's really this underlying peace

33:58

and contentment knowing that God

34:00

is using all things for good, and especially

34:03

in this season, that we're in with grief.

34:05

That's one of the truths that we've held on

34:07

to. And we've repeated that James one

34:10

two as a family regularly

34:12

to remind ourselves that joy can

34:14

be found in all things

34:16

if we just look for it

34:19

because God is so faithful to provide

34:21

it in, in all circumstances.

34:23

So your definition

34:25

differs a little bit from the researcher,

34:28

Doctor Armstrong, that you mentioned.

34:31

Yes. And I talk about that in the book.

34:33

I think that there is importance

34:36

of the joy of learning, the aha

34:38

moment, the connections that click. But but

34:40

as I studied it, I, I kind of connected

34:42

it to the gospel and the joy that happens

34:44

when our heads and our hearts finally

34:47

connect to the understanding of who

34:49

Christ is and what he's done for us,

34:51

and the peace that comes over us when

34:53

we experience salvation. And that's the kind

34:55

of joy that I get excited about.

34:57

Yes, learning and joy that's important,

34:59

but the most essential is

35:02

the joy that comes and knowing the Lord.

35:04

Yeah.

35:06

This is.

35:06

Really a.

35:07

Freeing thing to hear you talk

35:09

about it and to see some of the

35:11

other qualities that are listed here,

35:14

imagination being one of them.

35:16

And I think even in the church, sometimes

35:19

we squelch this in our kids.

35:21

If they ask a question about, you know, what

35:23

is heaven like? Or pets

35:25

in heaven, or all of those different kind of

35:27

questions like we all do, we don't know the answer to that.

35:30

So you don't ask that question and

35:32

we have them be quiet. Whereas

35:35

if if we let them go,

35:37

a child shall lead them. A lot of times they

35:39

will inform our own faith. They will

35:41

help us to start asking some of

35:43

the questions that we used to ask.

35:46

Um, I got a few more questions

35:48

for Melissa here. Coming up in our

35:50

final segment. I can't believe we're all ready

35:52

to the end of the program. Can you believe that

35:54

Inconvenient Parenting is

35:57

our featured resource at Chris Fabry

35:59

Live? Org? Our

36:10

remaining moments with Melissa Hannigan. Hope

36:12

this conversation is encouraging for

36:14

you today, and maybe you've gone through

36:16

some deep water and you're hearing Melissa and

36:18

you're it's helping you in the

36:20

grief process. I think God

36:22

can do that in an individual's

36:25

lives, but if you're a parent

36:27

and you're looking for something that

36:29

will help you, um,

36:32

encourage those God

36:34

given traits that are there

36:36

for, you know, the fruit that

36:38

that you're seeing, like playfulness and

36:40

humor and joy. I mentioned

36:43

imagination, uh,

36:45

inventiveness, creativity,

36:47

curiosity, um,

36:50

inconvenient parenting is going to be really

36:52

encouraging to you. Activate your child's

36:54

God given traits. We got a link at

36:56

Chris Fabry live org,

36:59

but I've heard you talk about,

37:02

uh, emotions and outbursts

37:04

and not just

37:07

discipline and disciplining your

37:09

children, for one thing, but

37:11

looking a little bit deeper. Tell me

37:14

what you mean by that.

37:16

Yeah. So one of the qualities that

37:18

we talk about is sensitivity.

37:20

And it's being able to be tuned

37:22

in to your own emotions and the emotions

37:24

of others. And, you know, as a counselor,

37:26

I'm really passionate about that with my

37:28

kids, and especially in the season

37:30

of grief, it's been so important that we've

37:32

talked about our feelings. But. There's

37:36

a there's times where our kids can

37:38

act in certain ways that it doesn't

37:40

you. We just want to deal with

37:42

the behavior. Right? They're throwing a temper

37:44

tantrum and we just want to make them stop. One

37:47

particular instance, uh, recently,

37:50

my youngest daughter, we were sitting

37:52

around the table having a lunch.

37:54

She didn't finish her sandwich. Her

37:57

next oldest sister was still hungry,

37:59

so I kind of passed it along and

38:01

she threw a fit.

38:03

I mean, just crying,

38:05

yelling, that's not fair. That's my sandwich.

38:08

And I wrote a parenting book. My

38:10

child is being selfish. Oh my goodness,

38:12

what is what did I do wrong? You know,

38:15

like I immediately went to how does this

38:17

make me look? Which is not

38:19

the place that we should be going. But

38:21

I could feel my blood boiling. I was getting

38:23

so angry at her outburst,

38:25

and I sent her to a room where she

38:27

starts throwing her stuffed animals. She

38:29

gets on her bed and she's just punching into

38:31

her pillow. And I'm just like,

38:34

what in the world? It was a sandwich.

38:36

It's not the end of the world. And

38:39

again, I could feel myself getting more angry.

38:41

I'm like, just stop being, you

38:43

know, like this. Stop throwing a temper tantrum.

38:45

And I, I felt the Holy Spirit

38:47

nudged me to pray. And

38:50

so I stopped and I said, Lord, help

38:52

me. I've said that a lot in this last

38:54

nine months of grief and

38:56

struggles and not knowing how to handle

38:59

my girls. So I said, God, I don't

39:01

know what to do. Help me. And it

39:03

was this moment of clarity

39:05

when I realized it wasn't about the sandwich.

39:07

She was angry, but it wasn't

39:10

about the sandwich. And so I went into her room

39:12

and I sat next to the bed, and she

39:14

continued for quite a while, punching and kicking.

39:17

But my heart had calmed and

39:19

I decided I was going to get to the the

39:21

root of what is the issue, what is really going

39:23

on. And so after a little bit,

39:25

she finally calmed down and she looked

39:28

over at a picture of her big brother that

39:30

was hanging in her room, and she just started

39:32

to cry. And

39:34

then she crawled into my lap and

39:36

she let me hold her and she said,

39:38

I want my bubbe. Instead of

39:40

saying I want my sandwich, which is what she was

39:42

screaming. And it made no sense because she wasn't

39:44

hungry anymore. What she was really,

39:46

her heart was crying. I want my brother.

39:49

And I was so grateful for

39:51

that opportunity to slow down

39:53

and connect and figure out what is the real emotion

39:55

going on. And it was truly grief.

39:57

She was angry. She was angry that

40:00

her brother wasn't there. It wasn't about the sandwich.

40:02

And I'm so grateful that the Lord

40:04

prompted me to stop and to really

40:06

identify what's going on under the root, because

40:09

a lot of times there are deeper

40:11

things under our kids emotions

40:13

than just what the outward appearance looks

40:15

like. And the convenient, easy thing

40:17

is to address the behavior,

40:19

to get the kids to stop throwing a

40:21

temper tantrum, go to your room, be quiet.

40:23

And I agree that it's important

40:25

that our kids learn to obey and to

40:27

be kind and to be respectful,

40:29

but a lot of times we

40:32

ignore the deeper things going on on

40:34

the inside because it just takes more work.

40:36

And so my encouragement to myself

40:38

and to other parents is to take take

40:41

the time to really figure out what's going on underneath,

40:43

because that's the only way they're

40:45

going to learn to identify it for themselves,

40:47

and then teach them how to process it

40:49

in a healthy way, instead of

40:51

in tantrums and outbursts.

40:54

You said four.

40:55

Words that are that I'm going

40:57

to remember here, and I'm going to mention

40:59

them to our listeners because they

41:01

I think they are so important. In

41:03

the last segment, you said make

41:06

space. That's the first

41:08

two words. And then in this story

41:10

that you've just told us, you said,

41:13

slow down. Um,

41:15

so to make space and slow down,

41:18

especially in the world that

41:20

is spinning at light speed,

41:23

you know, with all of the information

41:25

that we have and the gadgets and all of these

41:27

types of things, I'm sure you have opinions

41:29

about that as well. But to

41:31

to be and not to throw anything away,

41:33

you know, you can't have a phone or can't

41:35

have the internet, but to be

41:37

able to slow down and to look

41:39

the person in the eye, that's not

41:42

just about children, that's about

41:44

spouses, that's about siblings,

41:46

that's about the coworkers that works with

41:48

everybody, doesn't it?

41:50

Oh, for sure. It it's really

41:53

easy to get caught up in the the

41:55

busyness that we are so

41:57

single focused one track mind

41:59

get the next thing done. So

42:01

my heart is to to remind

42:03

parents, to remind ourselves like,

42:05

take a breath, slow down.

42:09

Another thing that I really kind of talk

42:11

about repeatedly in the book is reevaluate

42:13

your schedule. Are there things that you're

42:15

doing that you maybe could put down for a

42:18

period of time to make space

42:20

to incorporate these things into

42:22

your home, to have the time to

42:24

look people eyeball to eyeball and really

42:26

connect. And whether that's,

42:28

you know, connecting with your neighbor or

42:30

connecting with, you know, a coworker,

42:33

we just have to slow down and. Sometimes

42:36

that means we have to put aside

42:38

things that are on our schedule that maybe aren't

42:40

essential for right now.

42:42

Yeah.

42:43

And that's a.

42:44

Hard that's a.

42:45

Hard thing to do, especially if you've made commitments

42:47

to this and that. The other thing and I

42:49

get that. But you're

42:51

you're the other thing you're talking about is going

42:53

for the long haul. You're not playing

42:56

for, you know, just the obedience

42:58

for this right here. You're playing

43:00

for that fourth quarter. Unfortunately,

43:03

with Joey, you didn't know how

43:05

little time you had, you know. And so you're

43:07

you're looking back at that and you're seeing

43:09

you're still seeing a lot of fruit from his

43:11

life though. Aren't you glad?

43:14

I'm so, so glad. Yeah.

43:16

There are times that I. I mean, man,

43:18

we finally got to the point where we

43:20

were enjoying the

43:22

young adult version of Joey and

43:24

and his personality and the conversations

43:27

that we had, and he was

43:29

so respectful and helpful. I

43:31

mean, he physically was strong. And so,

43:34

practically speaking, he was helpful. And so,

43:36

yeah, I miss that. Getting

43:38

to enjoy the fruit of the almost

43:41

17 years that we put into

43:43

training him. But ultimately,

43:46

you know, any parent, if we're honest with

43:48

ourselves, what is it that we want for our

43:50

kids? Well, we want them to grow up to to

43:52

honor the Lord, to be obedient to

43:54

him and to do what he's called them to do.

43:57

And so I can truly say

43:59

with with all the peace in my heart,

44:01

that's what we got to do with Joey Adore.

44:03

He is fully cared for and

44:06

without pain and at peace with the Lord.

44:08

And I know that I will see him again

44:10

someday, hopefully someday soon.

44:12

Um, because I'm praying for Jesus to

44:15

come back all the time. But you

44:17

know. So keeping in mind, what is it

44:19

that we're trying to do? It's again, it's

44:21

easy to get caught up in the culture standards of

44:23

like, you want to get your kids in the best schools

44:25

and they have to have, you know, be the best

44:27

athlete or be the best musician. And none

44:29

of those things are bad things. But are

44:32

we doing it at the expense of the

44:34

most important thing, which is their heart for

44:36

the Lord? And so that's my challenge,

44:38

is to make sure that we are making the most

44:40

important thing, the most important in our family,

44:42

no matter what we have to get rid of to make

44:45

time for that.

44:46

And figuring out what the

44:48

way they should go is,

44:50

you know, not training, but trial and the way you

44:52

think they ought to go.

44:53

But you know what?

44:54

What God wants for them.

44:56

Melissa, this is this has been a really

44:59

special hour. And I think there's probably somebody

45:01

listening today who has

45:03

been going through a valley

45:05

like you've been through in the last nine months and

45:07

has heard some hope

45:09

in the middle, in the in the cracks

45:12

of your life, you know, has heard some hopes

45:14

there, some hope. And

45:16

I pray that this book will

45:18

be not only an encouragement

45:20

to to parenting, but also

45:22

those who are walking the trail

45:25

and asking some of the hard questions about

45:27

the inconvenience that kids have

45:29

brought into their lives. That can

45:31

be the greatest blessing that shows

45:34

you how dependent you are on your father,

45:36

your heavenly father. So, uh,

45:38

good job in writing this. Thank

45:40

you for sharing your heart and your family with

45:42

us. Come back again. Okay.

45:44

Thank you. I would love to.

45:47

Melissa Hannigan again.

45:49

The title of the book is Inconvenient

45:51

Parenting Parenting

45:54

Not Parody. Activate your

45:56

child's God given traits.

45:59

You can find a link to it at the website

46:01

Chris Fabry live org.

46:04

The topic we have for tomorrow

46:07

is exactly what Melissa was

46:09

talking about with Joey just a little

46:11

bit ago with. The verse that

46:13

he suggested from the book of

46:15

James. The way that he could

46:17

recall that is because

46:19

he'd memorized it. He'd made it a part

46:22

of his own heart. So we're going to talk with Glen and

46:24

Marshall about memorizing

46:26

scripture. You find out more about

46:28

that at the website as well. Just go to Chris

46:30

Fabri Live Dawg.

46:33

Thanks a lot for your support for coming

46:35

alongside us. And come on back tomorrow

46:37

for a conversation right here at the Radio

46:40

backyard Fence. Chris Fabry lives

46:42

for production of Moody Radio, a ministry

46:44

of Moody Bible Institute.