0:02

Hey Barty. Yes Bob.

0:08

That was a long time.

0:12

Listen, I wasn't expecting you to barge in on me in the washroom. Okay,

0:16

well if I'm bothering you, I'm sorry. I'm

0:20

just really bored and I want something to do in

0:23

July. Okay, that's so

0:25

specific Bob. I'm

0:28

not sure exactly, but I'm decided by July 20th, I

0:30

want to change something. I want some excitement.

0:36

Okay, brainstorm session then.

0:39

We work

0:42

with what we have. Mirrors.

0:44

Faucets. Urinals. Or

0:48

the little cakes. Festivals.

0:52

What

0:57

does it make you think of? Theaters.

1:04

Can-can.

1:04

That

1:08

was a bad answer wasn't it? Why

1:13

is Beatrix in the bathroom with

1:14

us? I'm coiffing my

1:16

hair to make sure I'm presentable for our live

1:18

podcast experience! Honestly, I thought your whole thing was a contrived

1:21

way of getting us to bring it up Bob. Oh

1:24

no, I was just bored

1:26

and thought maybe we should fix that. Civilized

1:29

is back at the Hamilton Fringe Festival July 20th through

1:31

30th, 2023 in Hamilton, Ontario. Tickets are on sale now. Visit

1:37

civilizedpod.com slash live for all the

1:39

details. That's civilizedpod.com slash

1:41

live. Civilized

1:44

is back!

3:54

Stop

4:00

calling me! What? No, Al, we're on

4:03

trial. You're uh... What are you doing

4:05

a stupid voice for? It's not stupid,

4:07

it's cool, Al! Yeah, it's so

4:09

cool, you're right. Okay, what's up? What's

4:11

going on? So, Al, you're just

4:13

a little bit of like a character witness for us. Can

4:16

you just testify that we're like

4:18

good, upstanding

4:18

citizens? Oh my god, yes! So basically,

4:21

what you see here are my two best friends

4:23

in the entire world, next to my two other

4:25

best friends in the entire world. We've

4:27

never done anything bad to me except for a lie

4:29

to me. One time, one of them killed

4:31

me. But also, I guess

4:34

we've never really had an honest relationship

4:36

as much as we've

4:37

always tried to support each other. But

4:39

you know, sometimes I do feel, and this is

4:41

just me, so I don't actually know if this is necessarily

4:44

relevant to the case. Actually, who's on

4:46

trial? This is so fun. But I

4:48

just feel sometimes that we don't ever

4:51

connect in the way that I want to. Excuse

4:53

me, excuse me, this is the judge. Which

4:56

one of these two

4:57

murdered you? Oh, oh, Robert murdered

4:59

me, but like, I'm not over it,

5:01

but... Alright, the court has heard enough from

5:03

this witness. Oh, wait, no! Wait, sir, do

5:06

we not have the opportunity to question the

5:08

witness? It's called cross-examine. I

5:11

mean, you will have the opportunity to cross-examine,

5:13

but there's something that we should know. Robert, you

5:15

are now also on trial for murder. Please

5:17

join the defendant's table.

5:18

Oh! Finally! Justice!

5:22

Okay, this rules. Do I still have to

5:24

wear these sneakers? No, Barty, Barty, I'll be back

5:26

in a second. This is something really cool that's happening, I'll explain.

5:28

It

5:28

sounds so strange. Barty's

5:31

in here, who are you talking to? Oh, uh,

5:33

what? The other one? There's more Bartys,

5:35

hey guys! Hey, yo. Hey, hi.

5:37

Huh, okay. Was that me? Yeah,

5:39

don't think of the hit too hard. I'm not.

5:44

Alright, it's time for the defendants to cross-examine.

5:47

Robert, prove you weren't a murderer.

5:50

Cross-examine someone you murdered. Ugh. But

5:52

didn't he just already admit to it? Okay,

5:54

I'm on defense here. You're not the prosi-

5:57

Yeah, you two are a team now. You're both defendants.

5:59

Objection! Uh, she's acting like

6:01

the prosecutor. I mean, sorry

6:03

judge, uh, objection. She's acting like the prosecutor.

6:06

Yeah, well, objections, you didn't swear, all right? You tore a team

6:08

out, it's too good. Call your witness.

6:10

Am I, am I by myself then? Did

6:12

you commit a murder?

6:14

No. Uh. No!

6:18

Wait, wait. Who

6:20

murdered who? I didn't murder anybody. Tubular.

6:24

Nice. Judge, yo, shit.

6:28

Uh, this, uh, captain over here

6:31

definitely committed murder, and,

6:33

uh, she's lying.

6:34

I am horrified by this. I

6:36

am Judge Mann, continuing to age. You

6:39

are all now defendants. We will

6:41

bring up the nine Bartholomues to

6:43

be the prosecutor. How does the suit grow

6:45

with him? Oh. The head always stays

6:47

too big. The head started too big,

6:49

it stays the same.

6:50

I think the head is perfect the way it

6:53

is. Oh, stop kissing up. Prosecutor,

6:55

explain your case. I, and-

6:58

Oh, hey, wait, move over. We have to make room for captain

7:00

here at the Beatrice. Move over. There's

7:02

three of us now. I'm here. Me

7:05

too. S-Sorry everyone. I, I mean,

7:07

if you insist, Judge, and it, it's okay

7:10

that I masturbate.

7:11

Yes, that is fine for a prosecutor.

7:13

Just not here now. No,

7:15

no, I wasn't suggesting a public d-

7:18

nevermind. Overruled.

7:20

Masturbation is healthy. People can do it

7:22

where they want. As long as they have permission, I do not

7:24

consent in this room, to be clear. I really wasn't

7:26

looking to masturbate right now in

7:28

public. Then it's weird you brought it up. I

7:31

call for a masturbation-based adjournment.

7:34

I still have a lot of teenage energy.

7:39

Hey, captain. Okay. It's

7:42

really good that a adjournment happened when it did, because I

7:44

think we're losing this case. Um, yeah,

7:47

so it's definitely going a lot different than I thought

7:49

it would. I fear,

7:52

actually, that Beatrice

7:54

knows a little

7:55

more than she is letting on about

7:57

me. Um, so

7:59

I think what- we need to do is perhaps

8:02

some shmevidence shmampering.

8:05

Shmevidence shmev... If you catch my

8:07

drizzles. Yeah, some shmettering of

8:09

the shmevidence. Files could

8:11

maybe go missing. Oh, oh, you

8:14

mean tamper with the evidence. I didn't say anything

8:16

on that, sorry, you said that. Oh,

8:18

right, okay, so shmettering of the shmevidence.

8:21

You know, you're picking up and putting down. Okay, all

8:23

right, so Beatrice is over in the other room, and I'll just go

8:26

grab some of her files.

8:27

Yeah, yeah, here, how about I go distract?

8:30

Okay, together, okay, right. Just

8:33

take a bunch of them. Okay, all right, all

8:35

right, by mistake. But of course, of course. Yeah,

8:38

yeah.

8:39

Oh, am I, did I come in? It's

8:42

a free bunker. Me

8:44

too, I'm just tagging along with Captain. I'm just

8:46

her, what do you call that, the pump up man?

8:49

Hype. Yeah, that.

8:50

Did you learn nothing from Teen Judge? No,

8:53

really not, just that these sneakers

8:56

really hurt. This is besides the point. I

8:58

just wanted to say that I

9:01

hope that you're going to play

9:03

a clean game in that courtroom, Beatrice.

9:07

Wait, take the high road, Judge.

9:08

I'm hyping. Judge. Damn

9:12

it, that's not our strategy. Get

9:14

your hands off my paperwork. Damn it.

9:17

Listen, I think that you're gonna head down

9:19

a road that you don't wanna head down right now. Are

9:22

you threatening me? I am doing nothing

9:24

of the sort. Are you threatening

9:27

me? Bob, was that a threat?

9:28

I'm not doing anything here with these files. Those

9:32

are all blank pieces of paper that were

9:34

meant for the booster seat for Baby Judge.

9:36

Sure they are. They're

9:39

all blank pieces of paper. Cora

9:42

will be back in session. Elderly

9:44

Judge needs to eat by six. Was

9:47

I already elderly?

9:52

The hit series

9:54

Claim to Fame is back on ABC. From

9:57

executive producers of Love is Blind and

9:59

hosted.

9:59

by superstar brothers Kevin and Franklin

10:02

Jonas? Watch and play along as

10:04

these new celebrity relatives do whatever

10:06

it takes to keep their famous family a secret.

10:09

Don't miss Claim to Fame, new Mondays

10:11

at 8,7 Central on ABC and stream

10:13

on

10:13

Hulu. Hello,

10:17

I'm Judge Old Man.

10:20

Please, please present you

10:22

with evidence, I guess. All

10:24

right, Captain, he's gonna be dead soon,

10:26

so then you can become the judge like we talked about.

10:29

Okay, okay, so I'll just vamp until

10:31

he dies. Yeah, right, maybe you don't get his blood

10:33

pressure up. You know, I hear, you know, he looks like

10:35

he's ready to clap. Yeah, for sure, for sure. I can't

10:38

hear what you're saying, I'm very old.

10:40

Oh, sorry, Judge. Is this a good volume

10:42

for you? A little louder. Is this

10:44

a good volume for you, Judge? Yeah, that's

10:46

fine. Okay,

10:48

lovely weather we've been having

10:50

lately, huh? Stop flirting

10:52

with me, defendant, and get to the point. I was

10:55

just, I was just trying to make conversation, is all.

10:58

Here, let me just try and, there's just so

11:00

much, oh, oh, Judge, is that

11:02

a new suit that you're wearing?

11:04

It is, my body keeps changing size.

11:07

It's beautiful, it fits you very well. Judge!

11:10

Oh, no, I've had enough of this.

11:13

You have to say objection. Objection, I'm sorry,

11:15

I'm of the two lead prosecuting

11:17

parties, I'm the bad party. I just

11:19

need a minute, I'm sorry, she's clearly stalling.

11:22

She's waiting for your death, can't

11:24

you see that? Objection, because

11:27

he's telling the truth. I'm gonna overrule

11:29

both of those and keep flirting. I haven't

11:32

had a relationship in my whole life.

11:34

So, Captain, tell me about yourself. What?

11:40

Things are going great in there, it seems. I think

11:42

we should all be wrapped up and we can all be a family

11:44

again in like five, 15 minutes. That

11:47

was your read on that circumstance, huh? That's kind

11:49

of what I, honestly, started to in the mountains, I started fighting

11:51

them, but I assume I'll get over it. I

11:55

mean, listen, no.

11:58

Oh. I don't think so. But

12:00

maybe... Where did all

12:02

of the Bardies come from? That's what I'm

12:04

wondering. I wasn't asking too many questions.

12:07

I was actually being asked the questions for

12:09

once. It was really nice. All the focus was on me

12:11

and I had a whole- Radar 2002. Emergency

12:13

book procedure initiated. She's back. Wait,

12:17

is she back? I don't know. I am too

12:19

engaged. Initiating machine learning.

12:21

Transferring power to machine learning

12:23

module.

12:24

Hey! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my

12:26

god. Um, hi you

12:28

guys! I don't even know. Somebody

12:30

turned me off and I was like, whoa, I'm

12:33

in a void and then suddenly, there

12:35

I am. Error. Switching. Machine learning module. No,

12:37

I had to ask her a question. Hey, how y'all doing?

12:40

Sockside B here.

12:40

What?

12:45

Pleased to meet Mel? What?

12:49

Sorry, Mel. That- Oh, I'm pleased to

12:51

meet you too. Hey, Mel. My

12:54

name's Mel. Your name's- okay,

12:57

it's Mel. It sounds like he's saying male,

13:00

but I don't know. You think he's saying he's male? I

13:02

don't know. I don't know if this machine is generating themselves.

13:04

I'm male-male. Oh, he's male and he's

13:07

male. Okay. Okay.

13:08

Yeah, you got it. Maybe you need to do some learning. Right.

13:12

Memory error. Abort. Abort.

13:15

Switching machine learning modules. Hello,

13:17

is that- what's going on there? Okay,

13:20

this one I feel like I should respect. Oh

13:22

yeah, respect based should. My

13:25

name's Mel. Smite a little press

13:27

to go A. Love it. Aaaahh.

13:30

In it. Initiating all machine learning

13:32

modules. Are you pressing an initiating button

13:35

that I don't see? I'm trying to

13:37

get in there,

13:37

but I don't- What does that say I'm pushing any buttons yet? Hello.

13:42

Oh, I like this one. Hi.

13:45

This one's too old. Wow.

13:52

Captain, I will

13:54

always love you. And

13:57

I, you, Judge- Thank you.

14:00

It's an obvious conflict of interest.

14:02

It's beautiful. Oh, it's bullshit.

14:05

I give the captain a full

14:07

pardon. No, no, no, that can't happen.

14:09

No, no, Judge, this is no, Judge is impartial.

14:12

Captain, who do you think is

14:14

guilty, my love? I think it's

14:16

Beatrice. No, no, no,

14:18

Judge is impartial. Judge is no longer

14:21

allowed to rule as Judge has a bias. In

14:23

fact, Judge, why don't we just say

14:25

to this little hanker, Oh my God, oh

14:27

my God. Oh my God.

14:28

Oh, Caitlin. Do something, do something.

14:34

He was still technically a baby.

14:43

I stand by it. I did not kill a child.

14:46

Yeah, you killed the love of my life.

14:48

Oh, please. Oh God. Okay,

14:51

can we not fight? This is where we're supposed to say

14:53

nice things we remember

14:54

about. We barely knew, Judge. That's

14:56

a good way to start. I feel

14:59

like I barely knew the man,

15:01

baby teen who was the

15:03

judge. See, that's all you have to do. I

15:07

mean, I could. Go ahead. Bartholomew

15:10

Seven, what do you have to say? I'll

15:13

always remember Judge for

15:15

approving of my masturbation. Oh

15:17

my God. Oh my God. And appointing

15:20

me to a prosecutorial role despite

15:22

limited experience, though ultimately

15:25

he didn't really allow me to shine there. We

15:28

had a complicated relationship. I'll miss

15:31

him. Listen, I'm

15:33

just gonna say what everyone else

15:35

is thinking. We did an actual

15:37

judge because I think that

15:39

that was absurd and

15:42

I still want justice. Hmm.

15:46

When I first started growing Judge in a vat.

15:49

Oh my God. I thought, let's

15:53

use law and

15:56

the law base brains,

15:59

genetics that I... have. But

16:01

then I thought, no, let's

16:04

not do that. Let's make a judge

16:07

off of like four or five words. And

16:10

that's the judge we got. Is

16:16

there anyone else that wants to speak? I

16:19

feel like Seventh Bartholomew really expressed

16:22

my thoughts. So

16:25

we lay you to rest in this courtroom.

16:31

Okay. Ashes to ashes. Oh, that's the

16:33

thing. Vat to vat. Goo pile

16:36

to the garbage can. Are

16:42

we done? Because I think it's

16:44

time we actually get to the point. Oh,

16:47

what, murdering more babies? Civilized,

16:55

starring Tyra Banda, Christy

16:57

Bolton, Michael Davinsky, Phil

16:59

Johnston, and Sean Howard. With

17:02

special guest Ryan LaPlante. Sound

17:04

design and music by Eli Hamada-McClevey.

17:07

Cover art by David Desmarais. Join

17:10

us on Patreon for bonus episodes

17:12

and lots more. Look for the support

17:14

us link at civilizedpod.com. Hey

17:19

everyone, thank you so much to Ryan LaPlante.

17:24

Who played

17:25

baby judge, teen

17:27

judge, old judge, everyone else. I

17:31

was going to say and everyone else. You

17:33

ruined my punch. That's

17:35

what you mean by punch. We

17:37

have to do an everyone else at the end of the everyone else episode. Yes,

17:39

we did. So thank you, Ryan,

17:41

so much. Where can people hear more

17:44

of Ryan LaPlante and company? Well,

17:46

they can just re-listen to these episodes over

17:48

and over to help out this incredible show that we all

17:50

love. Which they will. Yes, of course. We've

17:53

all listened to this a hundred times. And Dum Dums and

17:55

Dice. I'm a part of that

17:57

company. Our flagship podcast is Dum Dums and Dragons.