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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to

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you by our patrons. You fucking

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The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording

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beyond. This is

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Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode

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we blast anyone who gets in our way, we

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bring critical thinking, skepticism, and

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irreverence to any topic that makes the

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news, makes it big, or

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makes us mad. It's

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skeptical, it's political,

1:00

and there is no welcome

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mat. Today is Thursday, February

1:05

the 1st that you're hearing this.

1:08

Today, in our world, is actually Thursday, January

1:10

the 25th, because we recorded two shows in

1:13

a row. It

1:16

is the same day, but

1:18

for you it's different. For you it's different.

1:20

So your ears, right now

1:22

it's February the 1st. All right, so let's start with

1:25

this story because I fucking love it. Toronto Sun, Chinese

1:27

marathon runner disqualified for

1:30

chain smoking through the

1:32

entire race. That's

1:34

great, that's great. There's a

1:36

picture of this fucking guy jogging

1:38

along, puffing a fucking

1:40

cig at the same time. He

1:43

finishes the marathon season three hours and 33

1:45

minutes. That's

1:47

a fucking fast time, man. Fast

1:50

time. All right, so we're going to do this real quick. You

1:52

said how much? So you

1:54

said 333. Let me do

1:57

a little back of the envelope. Actually,

1:59

Apple calculated. So 333. Yeah.

2:04

So that's 183 minutes, right? Yeah.

2:09

Divided by 26. That's

2:13

like a seven minute mile. Homeboys

2:15

hustling. Dude, seven

2:17

minute mile. Like my best 5K was eight minutes.

2:19

Yeah. And I was

2:22

like, and I practiced for a while. Yeah,

2:24

man. It was just like, whatever, man. I'm

2:26

just going to pop smoke and look

2:28

out. So my favorite photo isn't this

2:30

top one. It's the one

2:33

where he's running with what looks

2:35

like another dude or a trainer

2:37

and like lighting effects as an

2:39

act smoker. Like when there's wind,

2:41

you have to hold your hand

2:43

over in front of the lighter

2:45

to light your cigarette. And he's

2:48

got his hand up over to

2:50

protect it from the wind he's

2:52

creating as he's running. Yeah. All

2:55

right. You got to scroll up because my favorite line. So

2:57

here's why he got disqualified guys. And I, and

2:59

I love this more than I love almost anything.

3:02

The ZMNN, I'm sorry, miss rounds

3:05

that marathon committee issued a statement

3:07

announcing that disqualification for violating an

3:09

article in the Jimmy marathon rules

3:11

and regulations article 2.1

3:14

to which States quote uncivilized

3:17

behavior from runners such

3:19

as open defecation, smoking or trampling

3:21

on flower beds or green spaces

3:23

that affect the race and safety

3:25

of other runners will result in

3:27

disqualification. Cecil

3:32

taking an open air shit is

3:35

in the same line of categorization as stepping on

3:37

the flowers. It

3:40

feels desperate. Also

3:47

like they had to an open air

3:49

shit though. Somebody's like running

3:51

along and it's like, I'm dropping a

3:53

dude. That's a runner thing though. You know, I know

3:55

people shit themselves while running shit themselves are running. It

3:57

bounces all the way. the

4:00

innards around all the bits get bounced and

4:02

then sometimes you have to go really bad.

4:04

Oh, I have a funny side. I've never

4:06

run a marathon, but last summer I

4:09

did a century ride. So it's a hundred mile bike ride

4:11

and it was the first one I'd done. And

4:14

so like that, a similar thing can happen. Like you

4:16

sit and your legs just pumping up and down and

4:18

like you're getting your blood up and it kind of

4:20

just moves the bowels. And so like

4:22

about 25 or so miles in, I

4:25

was like, God damn it. I

4:27

need to use the bathroom. Like I've got to go. And

4:30

like, there's all these other riders like everywhere

4:32

and there's what are called sag

4:34

stops. So these like rest stops, the

4:36

rest stops do have Porta Johns and stuff, but

4:38

they're like really crowded, especially at the beginning of the

4:41

ride. At the end of the ride, they're sparse. There's

4:43

no one there, but at the beginning of the ride,

4:45

there could be like a couple

4:47

of hundred people at one of these rest stops. So like

4:49

the first one I rode past, I was like, I'm not

4:51

stopping at that thing. I'm just not doing it. So

4:54

I'm riding and like, you know, the call

4:56

of nature becomes so more insistent. Yeah. And I

4:58

was like, all right, I got to figure

5:00

something out. And so, I know over the

5:02

course of a hundred miles, you're going to ride past

5:04

businesses and so I'm like, I'll just see a business

5:06

or something and jump off my bike, chain it up,

5:08

go in and use the restroom. But

5:11

instead I'm, this is something you would never

5:13

do in a million years. Why I want to tell you the story. I'm

5:15

riding and I see a house under construction.

5:18

No, no, no. And in front of the house for

5:20

the construction workers. No, no, no. It

5:23

was a Porta Johns. And the construction work. So

5:25

much better if you, if you squatted over a

5:27

soil pipe, oil pipe in the house. So

5:30

I would never do that. But I know much

5:33

better, a better story. Tom, let's do a little

5:35

workshop. Okay. We'll fix the workshop right now. See

5:37

this house under construction. You can get a, you're

5:39

going to squat over an open floor. I

5:42

can see they framed it out and they've got the plumbing, the

5:44

rough plumbing. Anyway,

5:47

there's a Porta Johns. So there's a, and I see

5:49

that there's the construction workers Porta John. And so I

5:51

was like, well, how lucky for me, like it's

5:53

not one of these sex stops with these nasty ass Porta

5:55

Johns. You got to wait a 20 minute line for, so

5:57

I just bring my bike right up to it. Chain it

5:59

up. to a tree next to the thing pop

6:01

in have a private moment pop right out

6:03

of my Yes, I fucking

6:05

said I feel like I fucking hacked

6:08

something like I was like unlocked I

6:10

unlocked some I just want to say

6:12

though the sound of going to the

6:15

bathroom taking a smash in a fucking

6:17

porta John is the worst sound cuz

6:19

it drops for like it forever man

6:22

It feels like that that fucking thing

6:24

that indie walks across It feels like

6:26

that you wait you you let go

6:29

and then you think thousand

6:31

one 2003

6:34

like doesn't need a parachute like what

6:36

is how I do it. Yes. Can

6:38

this possibly be right? It's a decade

6:40

for you to hear a plop There

6:42

is also because I've only had to

6:45

take a shit in a porta John a small

6:47

handful of times Thank God because

6:49

they're usually the worst possible spaces in the

6:51

entire world Right like it is way better

6:53

to go off in the woods and take

6:55

a private dump in the woods than to

6:57

use the average porta John, but there

7:00

is no greater fear. It's never happened. Thank God then

7:02

the fear of Porta John splash Oh, I know my

7:04

god at that point. You just have to flail all

7:06

of your skin off Yeah, I feel like throw it

7:08

into garbage and hope to grow new skin. Absolutely time.

7:11

I would just I'd be like Well, I'm done being

7:13

alive. I don't I don't disagree I feel like you

7:15

need to get you know, like what you

7:17

need is like a giant cat tongue to live Like

7:20

it's got grit on it right now

7:23

just for a power washer or maybe

7:25

that silkwood shower that that lady takes

7:27

Where they just scrub all your skin

7:30

off something like that, right? I've taken

7:32

a shit in any number of Porter

7:34

John's because every every year for many

7:36

years Oh, I would go pensic, which

7:39

was a big medieval festival type thing

7:41

out in Pennsylvania where 10,000 to 20,000

7:44

people show up and it's a huge campsite and They

7:50

do have flushies right call flushies, but they

7:52

are genuinely packed until like one in the

7:54

morning That's the only time you can get

7:57

like an actual I take a crap in

7:59

a regular toilet type rheumint and I

8:01

would never want to wait so I would just

8:03

wait until Portage I'm going to a

8:05

porta John and this porta John's everywhere so you can go

8:08

go to the bathroom but they're the worst

8:10

to go in but they cleaned out every

8:13

day so the difference we know that help

8:15

just difference with other porta John's you have

8:17

no idea how long that thing's been it's

8:19

been fermenting yeah look yeah they got those

8:21

little like like brewers things that are bubbling

8:24

up or whatever so it's like a little

8:26

brewer lock a little flavor saver that's on

8:28

top to block it all in you have

8:30

no idea how long those things have been fermenting

8:33

forever when it when it comes to these porta

8:35

John's every single morning there'd be a truck that

8:37

goes through and then it washes them too so

8:39

they were you know I mean

8:41

sure they get fucking filthy by the end

8:43

of the day but they're clean they're clean

8:45

mostly yeah right and so there would be

8:47

and they would sometimes come around twice a

8:50

day oh that would come out in the

8:52

morning and then maybe in the late afternoon

8:54

and then in the morning and late afternoon

8:56

so there's always a truck going through that

8:58

is doing the porta John work and so

9:00

it wasn't ever filthy grocery like this is

9:02

disgusting yeah right I've walked into him before

9:04

me like no no just hard pass to

9:06

be like I don't never go again like

9:08

I'm done I everything's closed up there's

9:10

been time to be like I'd rather piss on a cop yeah

9:13

you know I'll just get arrested it's fine I

9:15

don't care at all at least there

9:17

right if I pissing in front of

9:19

other people I can flush out this

9:23

is the most Gen X story I've ever heard

9:25

it comes from

9:27

the Guardian Madonna sued over late concert start

9:29

by fans who had to get up early

9:31

the next morning you

9:34

know what I'll tell you what though

9:36

she was two hours late you know

9:39

this is one of those stories that

9:41

you read the headline and you're like

9:43

come on man you know like yeah

9:45

but it's a weeknight and she was

9:47

late and the other thing that happened

9:49

in this story that isn't as funny

9:51

as the headline is that basically all

9:54

public services in downtown areas start to

9:56

shut down midweek at around midnight

9:58

there they quit running So

10:00

it was always really hard to get,

10:02

I remember when I would go out, if I would go out in

10:04

the city, I would have to Uber home

10:07

at a certain point because you didn't

10:09

take the L because the L would make

10:11

you wait for, you know, just

10:14

an obscene long time to wait for a

10:16

train. You could already be home, you know,

10:18

just spend a little extra money on an

10:20

Uber and it's not bad because it's late at

10:22

night and there's not any traffic anyway. So you

10:25

just spend that money. But man, in the middle

10:27

of the night, nothing's running and these people were out

10:29

of concert and they're like, well, now

10:31

I'm fucked. I'm stuck in downtown

10:33

public transportation stopped. They basically

10:36

ruined her because she came on two hours late.

10:38

Two hours. The show is supposed to start. Like

10:40

I actually feel for this. I do too. I

10:43

have tickets. We're going to see Billy

10:46

Joel and Stevie index at the soldier field.

10:49

And like, they're supposed to start at

10:51

seven. They don't start by

10:53

nine, nine 30. I will

10:56

be beside myself because like,

10:59

show up. What do you have left to do? What else

11:01

did you have to do today? Madonna? Did

11:03

you have other plans other than your concerts?

11:05

What are you doing? What are you doing

11:07

during the day? I mean, this is, this

11:10

is your job. I guess this

11:12

is like a thing for her. It says in

11:14

the article, this isn't the first time she's been

11:16

sued for being multiple hours late for her own

11:18

show. I would be Bible old

11:20

man. Like I'd be like, I don't want to get home at

11:23

two in the morning. There

11:27

is a young me that would be like, ah, come

11:29

on. And then there's the me now that's like, fuck

11:31

your face. Yeah. I know. Well, I was laughing too.

11:33

Cause I was reading this story next to Haley. I

11:35

was like, well, that's plus I get to the concert

11:37

early cause I don't want to be late. And she's

11:39

looking at me like, we're never getting anywhere early.

11:41

And I'm like, but I would, if it was like, if it

11:43

was just up to me, I'd be there early. If it's a

11:45

seven o'clock, if it's an eight o'clock start, I'm like,

11:48

well, all right. Well, traffic and parking and, you know,

11:50

I want to, I want to find my seat ahead

11:52

of time. So like, if she starts at 10 30,

11:54

my old man asked treats. This is like TSA. I'm

11:56

probably there at seven. I'd have been there. I'd have

11:58

been there. Half an hour before

12:01

the start so every time I sure as like

12:03

when you doing for three hours. Would.

12:05

You do I would be. I would be beside

12:07

myself as waiting that long I be so the

12:09

mortal fucking mad and you know that are opening

12:12

act and take. That. Long does

12:14

it and I be boards the whole time

12:16

I just be getting more and more shitty

12:18

stage nachos I'd be so vulnerability of national

12:20

or stadium nasser that had a habit that

12:22

a cuppa sense as if you need a

12:24

new is a shirt or wherever the another

12:26

are you a. Mystery.

12:29

Comes from futurism. After classified

12:31

briefing Congressmen says you oppose may

12:33

be. Extra. Dimensional

12:36

angels. I. Will

12:38

say this. Of all the

12:40

things in the bible, As.

12:42

Their literal description: There's nothing more

12:44

Lovecraft the and an extra dimensional

12:46

send. The description of the angels

12:48

are fucking crazy. The Terror Five

12:50

you like the people have drawn

12:52

was angels that that are described

12:54

in the and they look scary

12:56

as shit Dude that's why the

12:58

first thing angels always say the

13:00

bible's i do Not Fear like

13:02

feel like. I

13:06

would Never. they never put our over their

13:08

head and. Say.

13:12

Oh we allowed victim is like. Attractive.

13:15

People will like ripped out and we're

13:17

the Pegasus where you know like are

13:20

on the angel Gabriel and like like.

13:23

Gabriel hello her love with said it's like

13:25

you, The Bible's like. I've got just

13:27

eyes on top of my eyes and

13:29

I'm a full of flaming sword to

13:32

well as a slave one or and

13:34

route is a crowd that spinning with

13:36

early on that and I was ornithopter

13:38

say the makes me flies de Vinci

13:40

code for every. Year

13:44

on one little doubt that pops

13:47

up on the sit on the

13:49

the paddles like so it's just

13:51

happening around us of i saw

13:54

the other thing that so disheartening

13:56

public. Is the same for smith.

14:02

Why did see the what don't

14:04

sell it to some random noise?

14:06

A Congressman? hi I'm one of

14:09

the four hundred most important people

14:11

in America. Move Know what it

14:13

comes to Whether or not these

14:15

you Ufos are angels. I actually

14:17

like to think of them as

14:19

extra dimensional and eleven sound you

14:21

see Make a habit of Hemisphere

14:23

Congressmen you have fallen angels in

14:25

the same sense this is be

14:27

us sound of use slapping your

14:29

own head through some is out

14:31

of him. Being fired out of a

14:33

can I did. So disheartening. now and it's

14:35

it's and the other thing is is not

14:37

you need like and the. And and

14:40

also a point out to a belief in

14:42

God isn't any less than this. Nuts is

14:44

the same things I know we're making. Fun

14:46

of this book. but a belief in God is

14:48

this. It's a burst of it. is a belief

14:50

in God because this is us, but I just

14:52

a belief and assorted for additional. Christianity isn't any

14:55

less crazy. Know it's not. and that's why this

14:57

isn't a scandal. right? Flood.

15:00

You can say whatever insane crazy

15:02

mass shit bullshit you want to

15:04

say and as long as it's

15:06

like. Religious. In nature,

15:08

it's not a scandal. Yeah, no matter

15:10

how crazy this. You. Can be

15:12

like one of the world's most powerful

15:14

people and say literally insane person shit

15:17

and are ones like yeah but had

15:19

a tinge of religiosity so it's not

15:21

even in the real news. Yeah it's

15:23

like on few times about on random

15:25

writing sky it's if the person was

15:27

talking about the Oreo cookie monster certified

15:29

the Keebler else everybody what the fuck

15:32

is alive she's lost his shit up

15:34

but instead he uses terms that everybody

15:36

presumes are truly video. There's no proof

15:38

and than ever in just says oh

15:40

yeah, have club or yet. By

15:42

the angels, larger minutes or dimensional

15:45

extraterrestrials. Or go on with your

15:47

about out here. Are.

15:51

some i include a lot of stories

15:53

the scare you off as i once

15:55

in awhile i devoured or area of

15:57

it that i don't like From

16:00

the Guardian my friend, what is

16:02

happening with the airplanes, Cecil? Yeah, Tom,

16:05

I don't know buddy. Nose

16:07

wheel falls off Boeing's 757 passenger

16:09

jet awaiting takeoff at Delta Airlines

16:11

jet due to depart from Atlanta

16:13

airport. Nobody was injured, but

16:16

one of the two nose wheels

16:18

just rolled off of the fucking airplane.

16:21

And then continued going, like from what

16:23

they said is it rolled off and

16:25

then just kept going off the runway.

16:27

Have you ever seen video of runaway

16:30

wheels on highways? Those are

16:32

insane. Fuck shit up man. Those are insane,

16:34

especially those big truck ones. They will like

16:36

ruin a car, ruin a car, ruin a

16:38

car, jump over a house, go through

16:40

a drive through, order a shake, ruin a car. They'll

16:43

like, they don't stop ever. They have like

16:45

infinite energy. They just keep going. They stop,

16:47

somebody gives them a quick shoe shine and

16:49

they keep telling. Insanity.

16:52

And they'll hit a car and the

16:54

car will just like explode. It disintegrates. It

16:56

just disintegrates from one of these big cars.

16:58

So scary. I mean, there's so much like

17:01

kinetic force or whatever, like energy in that

17:03

that as soon as something hits it, it

17:06

just fucking blows up. Great.

17:08

It's insane. Okay. How

17:11

big is a tire on a goddamn 757? And

17:13

then we're talking about that other story where the

17:16

door, it was somebody sent us a message and said

17:18

it wasn't actually a door that that was part of

17:20

the wall. Yeah. Door plug. That's

17:23

a door plug. People there wouldn't

17:25

have known that's even scarier somehow.

17:28

Why is they are playing made of

17:30

like blow off hearts way fucking scarier

17:32

to just be like, Oh, there was

17:34

a secret door. There's

17:37

a secret scary door that you can just

17:39

fly out of hard pass. Well, and they, they

17:42

did say like, although like not all the details

17:44

are out, but like I guess I was listening

17:46

to a story this morning that like a whistleblower

17:48

for Boeing reported that like,

17:50

and they had documentation that basically

17:52

there's four bolts that are supposed to be on there and

17:55

just, they just didn't put the bolts on. Okay.

17:58

So what they're going to do is. Boeing's

18:00

gonna be like, well, we'll double check that all the bolts are on

18:02

all the other planes. Then we'll get cleared

18:04

to fly all these planes. And

18:06

I'm just like, you guys can't keep the wheels

18:08

on. Big, like you

18:11

can't keep the wheels on your airplane,

18:13

man. And I'm getting every step.

18:15

I'm getting closer to boating. Yeah, for fucking

18:17

sake. There's a funny skit from Australia where

18:19

a guy talks about, cause there was an

18:21

oil tanker crash or whatever, and they're going

18:23

back and forth. And the one guy keeps

18:25

saying, well, the front just fell off. And

18:27

they do this bit where they go back

18:30

and forth. And the guy says, well, is

18:32

the front supposed to fall off? He's like,

18:34

no, but the front fell off. And so

18:36

like, it's a big, it's a big, and

18:38

that's what reminded me when I saw this,

18:40

I was like, nose wheel falls off. I'm like, well, okay,

18:42

what do we do in here? Did the front fall off

18:44

of your airplane or no? No. And

18:47

they also said that they put the other passengers

18:49

on a different flight. No, no,

18:51

I don't care where I'm going. And that includes home. I'm

18:54

terrified. I'd be like, yeah, I don't go home anymore. And

18:57

I know I shouldn't be because like statistically,

19:01

you've so many people fly, but

19:04

it's just one of those things that you're like,

19:06

yeah, I could get into a car

19:08

accident way easier, but getting into a car

19:10

accident, I know that at least the

19:12

accident parts, the dangerous part, but then the,

19:14

I'm still like here, like on the part,

19:17

the accident happens up here, I'm up here

19:19

and that's not a good place to be.

19:21

That's why I think it's insane that like

19:23

we're having conversations about building flying cars. I

19:27

think that's the craziest conversation. Go lay down. No, I'm not

19:29

allowed to do that. I don't care what they thought of

19:31

in 1929. Like

19:33

there's people like filing patents and building

19:35

prototypes and getting them cleared by the

19:37

FAA right now. And I'm just like, have

19:40

you seen people drive on roads? There's

19:42

only one fucking access, don't you? You're just

19:45

driving on the fucking X axis. Whatever you

19:47

do, don't go into Chicago with one of

19:49

those things. Jesus Christ. Chicago is like the

19:51

most dangerous place I've ever driven and I've

19:54

driven in probably 30 States. I've

19:57

probably driven in about 30 States in our

19:59

country. Maybe not. at that many, maybe it's let's say 25. And

20:03

I have never once felt as in

20:05

danger as I do on our expressways.

20:07

Never once, never once. And I've been

20:10

all over this country in very busy

20:12

traffic and never once. No, Hayley routinely

20:15

drove from Poughkeepsie into

20:18

Manhattan and home. She'd go clubbing,

20:20

she would go to work, she

20:22

would drive into Manhattan, no problem

20:24

at all. She will not drive into Chicago.

20:26

I drive, yeah, I drive, we have to

20:29

go into Chicago. I drive every

20:31

time. Like it's crazy. People

20:33

out here cannot, they're so

20:35

aggressive. Can you imagine aggressive

20:37

drivers? A fender bender on

20:40

the x-axis only is a

20:42

non-issue. A fender bender 100 feet

20:44

in the air is a falling, I

20:49

don't have to fall. It's like, oh yeah, I

20:51

bumped into something, what happened? Well, my mirror got

20:53

clipped. How many people are gonna cut you off

20:56

in the air in Chicago? Yeah,

20:58

all of them. They'll do it on purpose.

21:00

And they'll be mad at you. Don't send me

21:02

your email about how your city's worse or don't

21:04

send me your email. It's not worse,

21:06

I'm telling you. Here's the thing man,

21:08

I will Mad Max drive with you

21:11

anywhere and I guarantee you will be

21:13

terrified more in Chicago. Even

21:15

without Eli behind the wheel. The thing is like

21:17

my wife doesn't drive, right? She doesn't like

21:19

to drive. She never liked to drive the

21:22

entire time we've been together. She does, but

21:24

she doesn't like to. And so

21:26

every time we're in the car together, I'm the

21:28

driver. It's just a thing like if

21:30

one of us chooses to do the chore, I

21:32

just choose to do that chore all the time.

21:34

It's not a patriarchy thing or any, I'm not

21:36

gonna let this woman drive or whatever. She's not

21:38

like not allowed to drive. She doesn't like it.

21:40

She doesn't like it. So she doesn't do it.

21:43

So I'm always, and there are so many times

21:45

she grabs, and it's not because of me, Tommy

21:47

driven in the car with me. I'm pretty safe

21:49

forever. She grabs

21:51

that fucking thing because all she has to do is look

21:53

in one of the mirrors and there is somebody, any

21:57

with any five minute interval on

21:59

the expressway. I know I'm driving a

22:01

hundred and fifty miles an hour weaving in

22:03

and out of traffic in and out of traffic And

22:06

I've seen these people bite it before like

22:08

I've seen these people catch somebody and bite

22:10

it Because they're driving so

22:12

poorly. I've seen it happen, you know four or

22:14

five times in my life. There is more Random

22:18

aggressive driving in the Chicago area that

22:20

I've seen anywhere else tailgating so bad.

22:23

Oh my god. It's so bad I

22:25

mean you can't you can't drive a

22:28

a Modic moderate speed like let's

22:30

say I'm going well over the speed

22:32

limit like the rest of the group

22:34

I'm driving with the group. We're

22:36

all well over the speed limit at Say,

22:39

let's say the the road is a 70 road.

22:41

We're all going 85 right say right. We're all

22:43

going 85 miles an hour Which

22:45

is a pretty it's a good close. It's a good clip and

22:47

it's starting to get a little safe, right 85 miles an hour

22:50

That's a little unsafe but you know if you're in the

22:52

left lane and you're passing a bunch of people that might be

22:55

a speed that you're going and If

22:57

you leave the tiniest amount of room

22:59

in between you and the car in front of

23:02

you someone will cut you off A hundred percent if

23:04

they want to go faster than you they will slam

23:06

on their brakes in front of you because you

23:08

were Slowing them down. Yeah, it

23:10

is. It is. Oh, you're going just as fast in

23:12

the car in front of you It's like this one

23:14

any faster Exactly like if you are pacing the car

23:17

with too many car lengths and in the Chicago area

23:19

if you are pacing the car in front of you

23:21

at 85 90 miles

23:23

an hour with too many car lengths in front

23:25

of you You've created a hazardous driving condition for

23:27

yourself because like you said somebody will scoot in

23:29

and they'll break check you at 85 miles an

23:31

hour Without a thought

23:33

it's insane out here thought it is

23:35

like Here's how you know

23:37

how bad it is. There's no reason in Chicago to

23:39

ever get an accident. We have

23:41

no Hills Yeah, there's no blind corners.

23:44

There's no mountains. It's all straights every

23:46

fights the fucking planes Yeah, as far

23:48

as the eye can see it's all

23:50

straight Glacier 10,000 years ago

23:53

ripped everything down to grade It's

23:55

all just like for real all

23:57

of the accidents are human error all

23:59

of Like maybe I'll give you three accidents

24:01

a year from icy roads Being

24:04

an asshole, but like it's

24:06

not a lot is my point It's

24:08

not like other parts of the country

24:10

where I've driven and it's windy as

24:12

fuck There's you know, I'm sorry road,

24:14

right? There's nothing out here, man. There's

24:16

not a hill a blind curve There's

24:18

nothing you can see for 20 miles

24:20

in every direction on a good day

24:22

with visibility Easily so it

24:24

comes in AP Kansas couple charges collecting

24:26

man's retirement while keeping his body in

24:29

their home For six years.

24:31

Okay, and then the other story is

24:33

here. This goes perfectly well

24:35

with it Tom This

24:37

one's from the Guardian retired teachers pension

24:39

stopped as provider refuses to believe she's

24:41

not dead I feel like this is

24:44

like one of those misconceptions

24:46

in the You

24:50

on the on the train

24:53

with your hair down alive Me

24:59

That mummified Me

25:03

super Dryer

25:06

than fucking mom's turkey They

25:10

seriously kept this dude so the one

25:13

story they kept this dude You know

25:15

fucking they just he died and

25:18

then they were living in the house and

25:20

they're just like, yeah, no, he's just he's

25:22

busy He's doing stuff and they had access

25:24

to the account $200,000

25:27

came in and then in the UK this lady

25:29

someone with a similar name I

25:31

and they're like they sent her a

25:33

text like you up On

25:35

the ground on the ground. I mean, I mean like not

25:37

up Yeah, I'm

25:39

alive she called him said yeah, I'm alive.

25:42

They're like nah They

25:46

caught her benefits and shit they've got

25:48

a crazy system where the computer system

25:50

automatically Looks for dead people with

25:52

the same name then sends a message

25:54

out to all the living people and says hey

25:57

prove you're alive And if you can't

25:59

prove your alive fast enough, they cut all

26:01

the people off with that dead name. They're

26:04

just like, all right, bad

26:06

news for all the John

26:08

Smith, hundreds of John

26:11

Smith have to run and I'm alive.

26:13

I'm alive. I promise I'm alive. I'm

26:15

running man. Why wouldn't you build a

26:17

system where

26:22

you find out which guy it is, guy died

26:25

and cancel their benefits instead of just being like,

26:27

guess what? Everyone with their name. Well, we could do

26:29

some crosshair cross checking Steve.

26:32

Fuck it. I know that it's

26:34

the fucking age of the internet. It's

26:36

the easiest possible thing to do. We

26:38

can possibly do. Fuck it. Steve, you're

26:40

fired. We're cutting off your pension. This

26:43

poor lady's like, no, I'm really alive.

26:45

They're like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Hang

26:47

up the phone. That's exactly what a

26:49

corpse would say. The other guy is

26:51

the worst too. Cause we just don't

26:53

give a fuck. Our security is like,

26:55

yeah, that's cool. Whatever man. We'll just

26:57

keep sending the money. And these people,

26:59

people were asking why isn't Joe coming

27:01

to barbecues anymore? I was busy. He

27:03

literally died and they kept it.

27:07

What would there's gotta be sort of

27:09

a thing that goes off

27:11

in your head after you take the first

27:13

amount of money and say, how long am

27:15

I going to run this? There seems to

27:18

be maybe a moment

27:20

that you could feel feasibly get away.

27:22

But the moment there's so little fluid

27:24

in his body that we are calling

27:26

him a mum. I don't know

27:28

that that is the moment that you think you could

27:30

still get away with it. I have similar questions, man.

27:33

Like I think once you start

27:35

stealing money, you're like, Oh, I

27:37

really backed myself into a corner on this one because

27:41

like you can't now report him dead because

27:43

time has gone by and you didn't report

27:45

him dead before. So now you

27:47

just have this body and you've stolen money from the bodies.

27:49

You're sort of like, I don't know,

27:51

man, in for a penny, in for a corpse. But

27:55

like, at least for me, I don't know, man, like I

27:57

wouldn't do this, but I would dispose of the corpse. I

28:00

would not do what they did, which is just leave

28:02

it in the bed where he died. That's

28:05

all they did. See, I would continue on

28:07

with Akan and just do like a weekend

28:09

at Bernie style. Just have him just have

28:11

him drop his arm. At a certain point

28:13

his arm comes off or whatever because he's

28:16

so brittle and dry. But

28:18

you know, you just play it as long as you can. I

28:20

would go down a toboggan flat or whatever. Wouldn't you feel like

28:22

on Halloween you had to put him out just as soon? Yeah,

28:24

you have to put him on the floor. Yeah, you've got to

28:26

put him on the chair. Like, I wonder if anyone's going to

28:28

notice. I may go to jail if they do, but this is

28:31

fucking funny. Every year, every year Jim

28:33

comes down. I don't see him all year,

28:35

but every year he gives Akan. I would see

28:37

him on Halloween. He loves Halloween. He loves Halloween.

28:39

Never used to. And

28:42

PR, I just learned about the Stanley Cup thing

28:44

like this week. Here's a so this is women

28:46

arrested for allegedly stealing $2,500 with the Stanley Cups.

28:49

And I have to admit that when

28:51

I saw this, yes, like the headline

28:54

going on, I kept thinking it was

28:56

the trophy in hockey. I

28:58

was like, that's the Stanley Cup. I don't know

29:00

what we're talking about. Everybody is. These

29:03

Stanley Cups are so hot right now. And

29:05

I'm like, there's only one. How

29:08

do you feel? I don't know. One,

29:10

the best of seven. And they think they keep it

29:12

all year. And then they like, like,

29:14

fuck a model on it or something. And then

29:17

they send it back. I don't know. I mean,

29:19

I don't know. And then I saw this and

29:21

I was like, oh, they're like like adult Sippy.

29:24

They are. It's like this is

29:26

like the new Yeti. Yeah. Like it's

29:28

just it's just an insulated double wall

29:30

insulated cup that everyone's freaking out about

29:32

these Stanley Cups for,

29:34

I don't know, an hour. Admittedly, I have.

29:36

OK, so I'm drinking out of one now.

29:39

It's it's a Columbia one. I

29:41

fucking love these things. And I drink

29:43

water out of them all the time.

29:45

Like I have four or five of

29:47

them around the house. Yeah. And like

29:50

seven of them on my bedside table. I

29:53

have them all over the place because I drink

29:55

water out of them constantly. It keeps the water

29:57

cold. It comes out of my tap

29:59

cold and it's. days cold for hours because of

30:01

it and I love them and

30:03

I can see it. The one thing I

30:06

don't like about these is they're all straws

30:08

and I hate straws. I don't like dude.

30:10

Yeah. I hate straws right here buddy. I

30:12

cannot fucking stand straws. I am the outlier

30:14

in my house. Everybody loves

30:16

and the straws aren't for me man. I

30:18

can't, I don't know. I just don't like,

30:20

I also, I also

30:23

would be, there's enough

30:25

of a germaphobe thing in me to

30:27

be like no reusable straws. I don't

30:29

drink straws from straws anyway, but like

30:31

a, the

30:34

concept of a reusable straw that you have

30:36

in this, especially for things like water where you

30:38

just let it sit out for a long time.

30:40

Like I know I leave these out like for

30:43

a day or so and I'll drink water afterwards

30:45

or separate, but like I close

30:47

it up, right? It's got a little thing on

30:49

the top. Then I spin the little thing. If

30:51

you can, listening, you can't see it, but I

30:54

have a little, uh, uh, Columbia

30:56

bottle with a little top that turns and then I

30:59

just set it like that. And it sits with

31:01

a straw. There's like constantly like a hole in

31:03

it. So, so I'll

31:05

have one that's half full and I'll be sitting at my desk and

31:08

I'll pick it up. I don't drink of it. But if I, one

31:10

of those, I'd be like, Oh, spider web. I

31:13

got a spider web again. I fucking drink

31:16

another spider web. Now

31:18

I gotta eat a fly or whatever. I gotta do

31:20

the whole thing. I gotta swallow a cat or whatever.

31:22

The next thing is I don't know what it's the

31:24

whole process. I have to do now. I

31:27

don't like, I'm not a straw. I don't like straws either.

31:29

I have, I'm doing a thing now where I'm

31:31

doing like a tooth whitening thing. Oh, okay. When

31:33

you do tooth whitening, just like the strips at

31:35

home, but like when you do tooth whitening, you

31:38

can't, and I, if you drink coffee, you're supposed

31:40

to drink your coffee through a straw. So it doesn't

31:42

hate the front of your teeth, you know, cause

31:44

like your teeth are more like a porous during the

31:46

whitening process. Oh, I see. So you could actually like

31:49

make them worse. I

31:51

hate it so much. I'm like, maybe I just won't

31:53

wipe my teeth. Like I hate using

31:55

a straw that much in the morning. I'm like,

31:58

Oh God, this is not how people. Drink

32:00

yeah a little kids drink. I can't I couldn't do

32:02

that. I drink I drink hot coffee every morning I

32:04

drink cold so I wouldn't be able to do that.

32:07

Yeah Well hot

32:09

was That's

32:12

where brutal Fuck

32:14

it and especially my family cup

32:16

ones. I also want to point out to

32:19

this story. She steals $2,500

32:24

worth of these cups right and it turns out

32:26

it was only 65

32:28

things they're about 40 bucks apiece. Yeah,

32:30

that's expensive. They're expensive I

32:33

had the resale market for them is through the

32:35

roof. They're selling for hundreds on a pot. I spent

32:39

like $45 on a full Leader

32:44

and a half yeti one. Yeah, and

32:47

I was like that's expensive. That is

32:49

expected. Wow. I thought wow That's an

32:51

expensive this this is for a

32:53

way smaller one It's more expensive and like

32:55

I said, like like these things are going

32:57

so fast that like there She's buying

32:59

them to resell them. She's so that she's

33:02

told you sell it She's stealing

33:04

them to resell them because they resell from way more

33:06

like you can forget these $40 cups Like

33:08

if that's a resale price is it

33:10

a couple hundred dollars? No shit. Yeah, they're a

33:12

whole phenomenon I was listening to one of

33:15

the like news or business podcasts. I

33:17

listened to about the Stanley Cup Phenomenon,

33:21

it's just like this weird viral phenomenon

33:23

We're like people want them

33:25

they get they stores get stocked They're sold

33:28

out in minutes fights break out like their

33:30

cabbage patch dolls weird. It's insane. It's just

33:32

a cup. It's a cup man I don't

33:34

get it had insulated double wall cups now

33:36

for but many years many years with

33:39

straw fucking ever Yeah, and this is such a

33:41

random thing. It's just a cup. That's

33:43

it. There's nothing special about it.

33:45

There's really not There's nothing special about it.

33:48

It's just a double wall insulated cup. They've

33:50

been around forever is nothing new There's

33:53

nothing like this here somebody with one that's like

33:55

paint coming off like I'm the OG stand

33:57

right? Yeah, probably This

34:00

is because of NPR Pierce Brosnan

34:02

faces charges after allegedly walking in

34:05

Yellowstone's thermal areas You

34:07

can't do that. That's a good way to boil to

34:09

tell you what man. This guy wants to bond his

34:11

legs together Seriously

34:15

though man, how scary is that shit? Yeah

34:17

Have you I've seen people like like

34:20

I said people like put their hand like they've touched

34:22

it and then like scream and jump back Those things

34:24

can be 150 or higher Yeah,

34:27

and and when you when

34:29

you like they have fucking horrifying

34:32

visuals there You

34:35

go to any of these fart Springs, right? Cuz

34:37

you've been I've been I've been to it's funny cuz

34:39

I've been to the biggest I think Three

34:42

of the biggest ones in the world not by

34:45

choice just happen to be there right Iceland New

34:47

Zealand and Yellowstone I've been to the three biggest

34:49

ones in the world three of that I know

34:51

there's a couple more the biggest hot far space

34:53

but three of the biggest fart Springs in the

34:56

world I've been to and Each

34:59

time you go no matter where you're at At

35:01

least and I don't remember seeing much in Iceland

35:03

because I so was pretty free like you know They

35:06

just kind of had stuff walled off where you know,

35:08

don't be stupid. But if you're stupid, whatever, you know,

35:10

right? Yeah, but in

35:12

Yellowstone very specifically I remember seeing posters

35:15

not posters but like the carved wood things that

35:17

they show and they'll be like it's it'll be

35:20

like a plexiglass Lexon thing

35:22

and they'll be like a carved

35:25

wood holder and there'll be a

35:27

some sort of elaborate List

35:29

of where why it's here what's going on

35:31

and then they show the horrifying thing that

35:34

happens if you fall And

35:36

they're just like it's like a person that's like

35:38

half a skeleton It's just

35:40

like fucking sous vide their body

35:43

off. They just fucking boiled their body

35:45

up and it like it's a horror

35:47

Like it's a genuine horror Don't

35:50

fuck around like that unless he's trying

35:52

to just off himself or something Like

35:54

I can't imagine why you would do

35:56

this like Yellowstone. I've seen so many

35:58

people get crazy They're

36:00

like, oh, I'm gonna cuddle a bison. I'm

36:02

gonna snuggle a bear I'm gonna take a

36:04

swim in a boiling fart spring

36:07

of sulfuric bubble water And you're just

36:09

like why are you alive? How did

36:11

you get to adulthood? What has

36:13

happened? Who has protected you? It is some

36:15

people should have been put outside at birth

36:18

and just left for the fucking wolves You

36:21

know me like if you can't go to a place like Yellowstone and

36:23

be like, well, this is a really wild

36:25

place I should probably just follow what the signs say.

36:27

Maybe they were and that's why they're so wild They're

36:30

feral raised by by They're

36:35

like that fucking shaman like the Paint

36:38

their face They ride

36:40

in and yeah, seriously though like like

36:43

the amount of it's like fucking spring

36:45

break down Like it's crazy

36:47

the amount of people who are just

36:49

like whatever take my selfie with this

36:51

fucking Buffalo and you're

36:53

like, what are you doing man?

36:56

And they every time One

36:59

of these people gets fucking lifted in

37:01

the air like a fucking space program

37:05

fucking toss and then and Inevitably,

37:07

they flip six times and one of

37:09

their shoes come every time every time

37:11

when every time the story is also

37:13

from futurism Amazon

37:16

is selling products with AI generated

37:18

names like I cannot fulfill this

37:20

request that goes against open AI use policy

37:24

This is the world. I'll tell you what one of

37:26

these is called I'm sorry.

37:28

I cannot fulfill this request. It

37:30

goes against open AI use policy

37:32

My purpose is to provide helpful

37:35

and respectful information to users brown

37:41

That's the color it is by

37:43

the way out of stock that's a real strange

37:45

shade of brown Like

37:49

what I love this because like These

37:51

companies are just like I don't know have AI

37:53

name it have AI name it have AI just

37:55

fill out the forms on amazon We're

37:58

just moving on like they just Nobody

38:00

checks them. It feels like somebody wrote a

38:02

script, right? What somebody did was they wrote

38:04

some sort of script so they could just

38:06

submit a bunch of these products and they

38:08

take the description. So they'll take the description,

38:10

it copies it in there and it asks

38:12

what AI would call it. And then it

38:14

doesn't check to see if it's an actual

38:16

thing. It just takes it and pastes it

38:18

in the field and then it

38:21

moves on to the next one. Cause these people probably have

38:23

50 products or a hundred products or a thousand products that

38:25

they need to name. And nobody wants to sit there. They

38:27

don't want to pay somebody to do that. They're just like,

38:29

ask AI to do it. And something recently

38:32

happened where someone had broken one

38:35

of the car companies, and I don't remember

38:38

which one it was. It was like Chevy or something

38:40

like that. It was using AI chatbots

38:43

and someone had like made it say some

38:45

crazy shit. Like you could have a free

38:47

Chevy or whatever. Cause you

38:49

get it to say crazy shit if you

38:51

know what's behind it. And I mean, you

38:54

know, companies have been using AI

38:57

sort of chatbots. What we would, we wouldn't

38:59

call it AI, but it was, they've been

39:01

using chatbots as a way to

39:03

filter your comment to get you to the

39:05

right page or to get you to the

39:07

right, it's really just sort of an elaborate

39:09

search engine on in the chats that they

39:11

would use. But now that AI is there,

39:13

they're starting to use it more as a

39:15

way to, you know, this open AI stuff.

39:17

And we use AI, but it's really not,

39:19

it's not like a thing that thinks it's

39:22

no the same. It's just, it's the same

39:24

thing that we've been using. It's just more

39:26

complex. That's all. And

39:28

this is like a chatbot

39:30

and people are using it

39:32

now because it's like free labor. And

39:35

we are seeing some jobs starting

39:37

to go away because AI is

39:39

easier to use. And evidently typing

39:42

in the name of the thing that you sell

39:44

into Amazon is among those lost jobs. One of

39:46

the lost jobs. Because you can now buy a

39:48

garden hose called, I apologize, but

39:50

I cannot complete this task. It requires using

39:52

trademark brand names, which goes against open AI

39:54

use policy. Is there anything else that I

39:56

can assist you with? 10 millimeters.

40:02

I love that song so good. I was just searching for

40:04

one of those. So I'm glad they're able to find them

40:14

All right, let's get a rabbit up for

40:16

this week funny show we back on Monday

40:18

with another show But

40:20

we're gonna leave you like we always do with skeptic screen

40:24

Credulity is not a virtue. It's

40:27

fortune cookie cutter mommy

40:29

issue hypnobabylon bullshit couched

40:32

in Scientifician double bubble

40:34

toil and trouble pseudo

40:36

quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized

40:39

Stereogram pyramidal free energy healing

40:41

water downward spiral brain dead

40:44

pan sales pitch late night

40:46

info document leo

40:49

pisces cancer cures detox reflex

40:51

foot massage death and towers

40:53

tarot cards psychic healing

40:55

crystal balls Bigfoot yeti

40:57

aliens churches mosques and

40:59

synagogues temples dragons giant

41:01

worms Atlanta's dolphins

41:04

truthers birthers witches wizards

41:06

vaccine nuts Shaman

41:09

healers evangelists conspiracy

41:11

double-speak stigmata nonsense

41:15

expose your signs thrust

41:18

your hands bloody evidential

41:21

conclusive doubt

41:24

even this The

41:37

opinions and information provided on this

41:39

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41:41

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41:43

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41:46

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41:49

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41:51

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41:53

and will not be liable for

41:56

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41:58

arising from consumption All

42:01

information is provided on an as-is

42:03

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42:06

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