0:15

Pushkin Author's

0:19

note. When

0:21

I set out to try and understand the

0:23

experience of heartbreak, both my own

0:25

and more generally, I recorded

0:28

a lot of my journey as it was unfolding

0:30

in real time. I'm recording

0:34

how you are.

0:35

Oh my god, you're really going to do this?

0:37

I don't know. Writing

0:41

this book has been a deeply personal exploration

0:44

for me, and I'm grateful you're choosing to

0:46

listen. It may sound a little different

0:48

from the audio books you're used to hearing. I'll

0:51

be reading the text, but you'll also hear passages

0:53

from my audio journal, entries and

0:56

sounds from trips I took in the wilderness.

1:01

You'll hear conversations with friends.

1:03

The only advice I have for you is that

1:06

we are here for you, so

1:09

don't.

1:09

Do it alone.

1:10

And scientists and experts who study

1:13

heartbreak.

1:13

Just because you've been dumped doesn't mean you

1:15

you just can stop attaching. In fact, the

1:17

brain region that becomes active when you've

1:20

been dumped a link with pain,

1:22

also becomes active when you have tooth

1:24

pain.

1:27

Why does that seem sort of appropriate?

1:29

So it's a very painful

1:32

experience and it can last a

1:34

long time.

1:36

You'll even hear me in therapy. Yeah,

1:39

just the whole universe of dating is

1:41

much more dramatic of being in a twenty

1:43

year marriage. I figured this

1:45

is an audiobook, you might as well really

1:48

hear it. The highs, the

1:50

lows, the sometimes crooked

1:52

path to a heart more whole.

1:55

Here we go.

1:59

I hope you enjoy it. Chapter

2:14

five, O G Sin You

2:18

Suck It Love. Simple

2:20

Plan from the album Simple

2:22

Plan. I always

2:25

liked driving west. After

2:28

Salt Lake City, I'd flown back to Boulder,

2:30

and now I was headed out again to speak

2:32

at another conference, this time in

2:34

the tiny alpine town of Telluride.

2:37

I picked up the old Ford Ranger truck

2:39

we still shared with Peter and Lisa. Man

2:42

Handling the stick shift and hand rolling

2:44

the windows up and down made me feel

2:46

less ghost like and more embodied,

2:49

bigger and slightly tougher. Perhaps

2:52

I was wandering alone through a dark wood,

2:54

but I had my metal steed. This

2:56

steed supplied no air conditioner, so

2:59

the mountain wind slashed into the cab

3:01

with the smell of something alive. Maybe

3:04

this was the simplest tool of female

3:06

power. A Ford. The

3:09

San Juan Mountains never looked better.

3:11

As part of the conference, one day, I led

3:13

a group of hikers up a trail to a small

3:16

creek. Some medical technicians joined

3:18

us from town, and they brought blood pressure

3:20

monitors. We took the hikers resting

3:22

blood pressure before starting, and then

3:24

again about thirty minutes into the hike.

3:27

We had closed our eyes to hear the breezes

3:29

and the birds, better, crumbled

3:32

and sniffed ponderosa pine needles,

3:34

and felt the texture of the trail beneath

3:36

our feet. It was fun to demonstrate

3:39

in real time what I'd written about

3:41

the quick restorative effects of engaging

3:43

your senses outside, and sure enough,

3:46

everyone's blood pressure dropped significantly.

3:49

It reminded me again how badly

3:51

I needed these lessons myself. I

3:53

wanted to stop buzzing, to stop

3:56

losing weight, to stop the ceaseless

3:58

sorry soundtrack of heartbreak, and

4:00

to remember I was not friendless

4:02

and the world was not trying to kill me.

4:07

On the last day of the conference, I met

4:09

a man named Ennis, a good friend

4:11

of a friend. He was appealing in

4:13

a nerdy way, confident Earnest

4:16

a system scientist with a specialty

4:18

in wildlife population dynamics. He

4:21

wanted to save global ecosystems.

4:23

He told me his wife had dumped him several years

4:26

earlier.

4:27

Everything sucks so hard in

4:29

divorce. It's like pain.

4:31

That's him, that's his real, actual voice.

4:34

We were called this encounter later on tape.

4:37

At the time, though, we were standing over a

4:39

cheese plate at an outdoor party. A

4:41

band was playing. Hipsters, film

4:44

people and extreme athletes

4:46

were crowding the kegs. Divorce

4:48

might be hard, but Ennis told me he had

4:50

found an upside.

4:52

One of the only greener pastures of it all is she get

4:54

out to hook up with new people.

4:56

How great is that?

4:58

He spoke in shifting tones of exclamation

5:00

points and resonant warmth. An

5:02

extroverts extrovert, he was almost

5:05

giddy recounting the freedoms and possibilities

5:07

of singledom. I was mystified

5:09

that anyone could feel so good about what was

5:12

clearly a consolation prize. I

5:14

liked being married. I liked the comforts

5:16

and predictability, the rituals of

5:18

couple filled school meetings,

5:21

family meals, dog walks,

5:23

shared friends, the expectation

5:25

of adequate retirement benefits. Happy

5:28

coupledom was, as bert Uccino

5:30

kept saying in Utah, the holy grail of

5:33

life as a naked ape. It was your best

5:35

bulwark against chaos. Somebody

5:37

had your back. In the meantime, though,

5:40

Ennis, his bushy eyebrows rising

5:42

and falling above Scandinavian chic

5:45

eyewhere, was offering some concrete

5:47

advice.

5:48

Where you just got separated, you

5:50

totally need to be making out with somebody. So

5:53

the rebound is like the first person after

5:55

a breakup that you hook up with, and maybe

5:58

it's not mister forever, but it's mister

6:00

right now, and it sends you in a good direction.

6:03

I looked at him skeptically and scanned

6:05

the crowd of sundresses and light fleece.

6:09

I had it a bit longer. Ennis migrated

6:11

to a conversation with a polar explorer,

6:13

and I ducked out to meet a friend for dinner.

6:15

Which pissed me off because I was I

6:18

only left that conversation with you because

6:21

I didn't want to come on too strong.

6:24

I knew that I

6:27

had to play a little hard to get and so I left the

6:30

conversation and walked around the party.

6:32

But then I left, so there

6:34

was that was a fail because I just like walked

6:36

out as a party. Okay, listener,

6:38

I know this sounds kind of cute hearing us

6:40

remembering this, like maybe we actually ended up

6:43

best friends or happily ever after or something.

6:45

Trust me, that's not what happened. Ennis

6:48

did get my number. Later that night

6:50

he texted. I wrote right back, I'm

6:52

gone to dinner. What's up? And

6:55

you said, did you find someone at the party to make out?

6:58

Yeah?

7:00

And I said no, they were all twenty

7:02

six and stoned, and

7:05

you.

7:05

Said, well,

7:08

that needs to be me.

7:09

It took me a moment to realize he was offering

7:11

himself. This had not occurred to me.

7:14

I hadn't flirted with a stranger in decades.

7:17

That muscle had withered along with the inclination.

7:20

Ennis, with those assertive eyebrows,

7:22

those doleful eyes, was not an

7:25

obvious magnet of ardor. But

7:27

I was finding it fascinating that he was

7:29

so brazen and that he seemed to like me.

7:31

I felt a gravitational pull toward

7:34

his desire. This was wholly unfamiliar,

7:37

kind of sexy.

7:38

So at nine oh

7:40

eight that night, I texted,

7:44

so are we meeting downtown till

7:46

you ride or Mountain Village, which

7:49

was around the corner, And.

7:52

I said, I'm chickening out,

7:55

not ready this is me calling

7:57

the shots like you said, but

7:59

you're great and to be continued.

8:03

And I said, um, mocking

8:05

your um.

8:08

You need to call the sh with more certainty

8:10

to be convincing, Like that was

8:12

bullshit. I'm checking out question Mark. That

8:15

was such a tell. Then

8:21

I just said, long hug under

8:23

the tree in thirty six minutes.

8:27

Now you're sounding like a system's geek.

8:31

That sounds like a yes.

8:34

I'm thinking.

8:37

I'm thinking, what would eighty

8:39

eight percent of your girlfriends tell

8:41

you to do? Question Mark? The

8:44

wise ones who really know.

8:46

You, compelling

8:48

argument, see

8:51

you soon. I

8:53

looked in the restaurant's bathroom mirror, seeing

8:56

a woman who'd once been sure of herself

8:58

and relatively untroubled. I

9:00

wasn't young, but I wasn't ancient. My

9:03

hair looked smooth and well behaved.

9:05

In the Colorado aridity, several

9:08

weeks after one's marriage ends might

9:10

seem like an impossibly short time to start

9:12

snogging someone new. But something

9:14

I hadn't felt in a long time was rising.

9:17

It was part defiance, part survival

9:19

instinct, part arousal, and

9:22

these were feelings of youth. I hadn't

9:24

felt any of them in a long time. A

9:26

certain teenage recklessness was knocking

9:28

on my forehead. Plus Helen Fisher

9:31

had said romance was good for us, Paula

9:33

Williams said, be open minded. Lisa

9:36

wanted me to unknown, what the hell?

9:38

Why not a man was maybe seducing

9:40

me when I was liking it and he was

9:43

my age, had a job, and he

9:45

was vetted by a trusted friend. So I

9:47

met Ennis under that cottonwood tree.

9:50

We walked to a footbridge over the Russian

9:52

Creek under the moon.

9:54

Yeah at night, super romantic,

9:57

super super super romantic

10:00

or romantic.

10:01

And I was there on the railing and you showed up and you just

10:03

like grabbed me. Yeah,

10:06

and we started smooching.

10:09

Yeah, we kissed a lot,

10:11

and it was amazing. It was almost

10:13

a religious experience. No one

10:16

other than my husband had kissed me like that in

10:18

over two decades, and even

10:20

he not in a long time. I

10:22

had thought I was very possibly done with

10:25

men, and I was okay with that. I have good

10:27

friends, I have nice kids, loyal

10:29

pets, and yet here

10:31

I was overwhelmingly turned

10:33

on. My hard little heart hiccuped

10:36

and started to soften along

10:38

with everything else. I

10:43

had discovered the power of sex as a

10:45

teenager, but its power to me then

10:47

was mostly a social one. It was a way

10:49

to be in relationships, to know someone

10:51

in a special way that was so long

10:54

ago i'd forgotten. I'd enjoyed it

10:56

since then, fairly often and

10:58

then not so frequently. But for a

11:00

long time it hadn't felt engulfing

11:02

or piercingly intimate, or even

11:05

that important. It had felt like a wand

11:07

house plant. You have remote memory of

11:09

blooms, but they're distant. After

11:12

some kissing and gropes, I sent Ennis

11:14

back up the gondola to his room, and

11:16

I went back to mine, feeling humid

11:18

and relieved. It hadn't gone further. There

11:21

was no plan to reconnect, and that was fine.

11:23

I had a kissy souvenir from a fantasy

11:26

town. Tomorrow Ennis would return

11:28

to his New England city. I'd be back

11:30

at my house, sending postcards to my kids,

11:33

slightly flushed but still respecting

11:35

myself. Early the

11:37

next morning, Enis texted.

11:39

You should be in the bed next

11:42

to me right now. My

11:44

hands slipped under your butt a

11:47

longer day, New Mole.

11:49

My first thought was, I'm going to have to put a pass

11:51

code on this phone. My second was

11:54

how nice. I was surprised that over

11:56

the next several days, Enis kept texting,

11:59

I want to see you, he wrote. He wanted

12:02

to know my schedule, my upcoming coordinates.

12:04

We talked on the phone, sometimes for

12:07

hours. He told me he was dating

12:09

here and there, that it was good, but not great.

12:11

He was looking for a serious relationship.

12:14

We acknowledged that we didn't seem like a practical

12:17

pairing. We lived far apart,

12:19

we both had kids. Still, he told

12:21

me he was interested. I was age

12:23

appropriate, smart, he liked my

12:25

body type. We laughed

12:27

and pulled out the calendars. We had

12:29

one clear spot in a few weeks. I

12:32

like Boulder, said Ennis, I'll come visit you there.

12:35

Then I got nervous. I'd

12:37

forgotten how to be sexy. I was

12:39

still so raw from the split. Who wanted

12:41

a girlfriend who cried every day? I

12:43

had enough going on. I didn't

12:45

really think I could handle this physically or

12:47

emotionally. Plus, who was

12:50

this guy really? I knew he'd been

12:52

on Tinder for years. I worried he

12:54

was a walking peatree dish of sexually transmitted

12:56

diseases. I called my friend who

12:59

introduced us, and asked him, is he really

13:01

a good guy from a girl perspective.

13:03

He said he's great. He's

13:06

looking for something real. He has no

13:08

red flags, no red

13:11

flags. On

13:13

top of all my other agitation, I

13:15

now felt a surging river of carnality

13:18

running through me. I listened to many

13:20

podcasts, so many, often

13:22

at three and four in the morning. I liked

13:25

the ones about Eleanor of Aquitaine and the

13:27

medieval drafting of the Charter of the Forests

13:29

because they sometimes put me to sleep.

13:31

Eleanor of Aquitaine was the most powerful

13:33

woman in the twelfth century Europe.

13:35

There were also lots about sex, how

13:37

to do this and that, and focus on your

13:39

breathing and avoid STDs. Hey

13:41

everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily at

13:43

today's show, bringing you a variety of sex

13:46

and relationship tips. The right way to use your

13:48

foe. He was all part of my crash course and the

13:50

unmarried sex. But it sometimes

13:52

felt petrifying. I

13:55

walked around in a whiplash of fear,

13:57

insecurities, arousal distress.

14:00

It all felt foreign. The arousal

14:02

piece was astounding, like acquiring

14:05

a lost sense or installing

14:07

cochlear implants in some unus usual

14:09

body parts. I thought about sex

14:11

nearly all the time. I could detect

14:13

subtle vibrations in rooms full

14:16

of people, in the supermarket, in

14:18

radio newscasts. An

14:20

underground current had become sensate

14:23

to me. It was thrumming in

14:25

me and around me. I wondered

14:27

if certain people could see it, like a

14:29

curse or perhaps a blessing. I

14:32

wasn't sure which. Lisa

14:34

hauled me off to a party. Some

14:36

old friends were there. Wow, you look

14:38

different, said my married friend Greg,

14:41

approvingly. He looked right past

14:43

the sunken eyes and bulging ribs.

14:45

He sensed something like we had a secret

14:47

handshake. Ennis

14:51

was flying out to visit soon. We'd

14:54

been discussing logistics. He wanted

14:56

me to line up a guitar he could borrow. He

14:58

reported that he'd been given the all clear

15:00

on a round of STD tests. I'd asked

15:02

him to get good timing. I texted

15:05

I was trying to stock the house with food. He'd

15:07

like, Do you drink coffee? I asked,

15:09

I had no idea chocolate, dark

15:12

or light. I knew nothing about him.

15:14

Boxers are briefs. I continued texting

15:17

boxer briefs. He wrote, write combo

15:20

of loose and snug, how

15:22

amazing I thought. I told

15:24

him about how weird and hard it had been

15:26

to say goodbye to my husband. He asked

15:28

what I wanted in the new post marriage

15:30

me, and while I was primarily

15:33

thinking sex, sex, sex, I

15:35

didn't say it a renewed interest

15:37

and faith in men. I said, maybe

15:40

you will help me with that. I already

15:42

have, he said. I

15:45

didn't hear anything from him the night before

15:47

his flight, but in the morning he texted that

15:49

he just barely made the plane. He was on

15:51

the tarmac. A song popped up

15:53

in the text chain love Shack.

15:59

I smiled and sent him a song back, like

16:02

a virgin Glee

16:06

cast version. I

16:11

bought more groceries. I changed

16:13

into a blue and white dress, some freshly

16:15

purchased under things. I tied my

16:17

hair up in a bun I

16:19

stopped by Lisa's for a quick pep talk

16:22

and to borrow her Honda, which has air conditioning.

16:25

I recorded us on my phone and

16:27

I'm a little bit of a wreck.

16:29

But you really look great.

16:30

You look like Audrey Hepburn. You've lost like four

16:32

hundred pounds, No, you've lost about

16:35

you've lost some weight, and you have these gorgeously

16:37

sculpted arms, and you're

16:39

wearing this kind of Audrey Heppern little sun dress

16:41

thing, and your hair is pulled back in

16:43

this dark little bob and you look like

16:46

a movie star from nineteen sixty

16:49

eight.

16:50

I chose to gloss over the problematic

16:52

association of extreme thinness

16:55

with desirability. Just take the compliment,

16:57

because we both knew I needed it. Plus

16:59

I'd spend some time on that bun. Thank

17:01

you.

17:02

You're welcome.

17:03

So why am I so nervous?

17:06

Oh,

17:09

there's the fact that you have been coupled

17:11

for thirty three years

17:14

and that you're about to embark

17:16

on full frontal vulnerable living

17:18

at age fifty, which is

17:21

kind of a big deal. Scary, really scary.

17:24

With that, she hugged me and handed

17:26

over her keys. Ennis

17:29

arrived curbside in a black T shirt

17:31

and black jeans, a large stuffel

17:33

sunglasses. He was going for the nerd

17:35

rockstar look. Maybe he was nervous too.

17:38

We kissed for a bit, both smiling and

17:40

the glaring flat midday sun.

17:43

Ennis asked if he could drive, so I handed

17:45

him the keys. I just like to drive,

17:47

he said. Back

17:52

at the love Shack, he tried out the guitar He

17:54

Strummshi, Dylan and petty. His

17:56

voice wasn't great, but he crooned earnestly,

17:59

soulfully. I looked around and

18:01

marveled. Here was a living, flesh

18:03

covered man, one who had gray eyes

18:06

and well developed quadruceps, singing

18:08

to me in a borrowed house in Colorado.

18:11

He was adorable. He'd fallen

18:13

from the sky, and he wanted to touch

18:15

me. He put the guitar down.

18:18

I straddled him on the couch. We

18:20

made out, and then moved to the bedroom.

18:23

I was ready, apparently readier

18:26

than he was. He cleared his throat

18:28

and said, all in good time. I

18:30

realized that meant he didn't have an erection.

18:33

Oh, he went on. I guess

18:35

I'm nervous. We focused on

18:37

me, and that was very nice. He

18:40

seemed tired, he'd had a long day. We

18:43

can get some food, I said. I got

18:45

dressed in another outfit I'd thought about,

18:47

long shorts and a pattern tank. We

18:50

pulled some tawny bikes out of the garage

18:52

and rode to the farmer's market. We picnicked

18:54

on a blanket, our legs touching. Sometimes

18:57

we held hands. This felt miraculous,

19:00

I wondered, if I would see people I knew, people

19:03

who didn't know I no longer had a

19:05

husband. I wondered what they would

19:07

think. Just then, a kid

19:09

I knew, a friend of my son's, wheeled

19:11

past us on a skateboard and waved.

19:13

Okay, that was weird. It was all

19:15

weird. Every damn thing was

19:18

weird. We hiked the next

19:20

morning, came home, showered, and

19:22

fooled around some more, but his body

19:24

was still not cooperating. Maybe

19:26

it was the altitude. More likely,

19:29

I worried it was something about me. We

19:31

grilled some steaks and sat on the porch. We

19:34

monkeyed with a portable speaker and finally

19:36

got it to connect to his phone. You are

19:38

now paired, enjoy I

19:41

smiled and poured the wine. I

19:43

wasn't feeling very paired, but I was

19:45

hopeful. Later that

19:47

night, he told me what to wear, a black

19:49

teddy or tank. Hmm, I

19:52

said, my mind going over what I had. I

19:54

have a black T shirt. He nodded. I

19:56

didn't really mind him telling me what to wear. I

19:58

found it sexy that someone even cared what

20:00

I wore. I wasn't surprised when he

20:02

fitted me with a blindfold. He'd hinted

20:05

about his proclivities, and I was curious

20:07

enough to give it a go. He led

20:09

me into the bedroom. He asked me

20:11

to put my hands on the wall and bend

20:13

over. He said it in a mock gruff

20:16

way. I giggled, it's

20:18

not funny, he said. I bit my lip

20:21

listener. Some spanking ensued. He

20:23

turned me around and attached something

20:25

to my nipples under the shirt so that

20:28

they stuck out against the fabric clamps.

20:31

I hadn't known they were a thing. I pictured

20:33

the rigid plastic ones I used to reseal

20:35

the kid's peta chips. Here's the

20:38

safe word, he said, and he whispered

20:40

it to my ear below the blindfold. Elastic.

20:43

It was his last name. I couldn't

20:45

see anything, but I could imagine how things

20:47

were coming out of his stuffel bag Mary

20:49

Poppin' style. When he put me on the

20:51

bed, there were ropes already on it.

20:54

He attached three of my limbs to them expertly.

20:57

I could hear him undressing. Then he

20:59

straddled me, mashing my breasts,

21:01

squeezing them around the peta chip clamps.

21:04

My bottom stung. This is a lot

21:06

of effort to get an erection, I thought I

21:09

heard the buzzing of a vibrator, and

21:11

he pressed it against my pubic bone. I

21:13

tried to shimmy into a better position, but

21:16

he was handling it like a pestle. Meanwhile,

21:18

the clamps were feeling like the jaws of death.

21:21

At some point I coughed out the safe

21:23

word in a nice sort of way, with

21:25

an umb and a question mark at the end. Ennis

21:28

adjusted the paraphernalia around my

21:30

face. Hey, can you just

21:32

use that thing a little more lightly and a little

21:34

bit lower? I nodded and smiled

21:37

so he'd know we could start up again. He

21:39

sighed, he rolled off me. The

21:43

next day, after hiking, I showered

21:45

and dried off in the bathroom. Ennis

21:47

came in and hugged me from behind. He

21:50

kissed my shoulder. We looked in

21:52

the mirror. Did I do that? He said,

21:54

seeing the bruises on my breasts. Sorry,

21:57

how's your bottom? He looked, ooh,

21:59

also bruised. So why did

22:02

you tie up only three of my limbs? I asked,

22:04

so I could flip you over? He said. Ennis

22:07

was clever, but not perhaps adept.

22:10

I was willing to test the idea of

22:12

surrender to be told what to do at

22:14

a time in my life when I had no idea what

22:16

to do. This was supposed to be a chance

22:19

to learn a few things. But what had

22:21

happened the night before wasn't what all

22:23

the podcasts had prepared me for. Good

22:25

sex they all said was supposed to

22:27

be about communication. He didn't

22:30

really expect me to just be quiet, did he. I

22:32

was willing to try again. We could learn together.

22:35

His intentions were good. I thought he'd

22:37

come out here for six days to try us

22:39

out. I wanted to believe he

22:41

wanted a real connection too. We

22:44

worked some on our laptops, talked

22:46

a little, made snacks, held

22:48

each other At random times during the

22:51

day. I told him I was taking gummy

22:53

bears to help me sleep. Oh my god,

22:55

this is Colorado. He said, forget

22:57

sleep. Let's go get something fine and ephick.

23:00

So we did o g Sin. It

23:03

smelled skunky and exciting.

23:06

That night, we went out to hear some music

23:08

with friends. They found him funny and

23:10

smart. He was affectionate, his

23:12

hands roaming gently over me, his

23:15

body swayed against mine. I

23:17

found the full physical contact delirious.

23:20

My husband had never been touchy this way,

23:22

and so I never was either, but I

23:25

was liking it. Over the ensuing

23:27

days, we held hands all over town,

23:29

and hugged in the kitchen and threw our legs

23:32

across each other on the couch. We

23:34

were great talkers about everything,

23:36

except about the fact that we were no longer

23:39

making attempts in the bedroom. Still,

23:41

it was novel and kind of wondrous to have

23:44

a strange man lying there next to me. Sometimes

23:46

I just look at him, and I even taped

23:49

him snoring. During

23:52

the day. He would look at me, fully,

23:55

smiling, pouting, playful,

23:58

a man boy in soft t shirts

24:00

that smelled like grapes. He had advice,

24:03

insights, a swerving way

24:05

of laughing uproariously and then immediately

24:07

being very serious. All eyes on

24:09

me all the time. He offered

24:12

an unfamiliar zone of warmth,

24:14

attention, and disclosure. For

24:16

many of our conversations, he said, sure

24:19

I could record them. He was game to help

24:21

me document and make sense of this completely

24:23

upended time in my life. So

24:25

we'd sit or lie around talking for hours,

24:28

the tape recorder resting on someone's chest.

24:31

This is where we re read our first texts

24:33

to each other. What are your biggest

24:35

fears?

24:37

Oh my god, my biggest

24:40

biggest fears, Well.

24:42

Your big ones are your small ones. How

24:44

about a combination combination

24:46

plate.

24:47

I think my biggest fear is, like, is not mattering.

24:50

I like to matter. I

24:52

want to have an impacting

24:54

the world. I want to have

24:57

a part of people

24:59

in my life. I want to be part of their lives.

25:01

I want to Yeah, I want

25:04

to

25:06

create the world more towards my vision

25:08

of it. Don't matter.

25:11

He was such a hard charging white guy,

25:13

like my husband, in ways I found both

25:15

compelling and dispariting. Women

25:18

generally don't say things like that we

25:20

are used to not feeling like we matter

25:22

to the world stage, or that we're entitled

25:25

to bend it so easily to our liking,

25:27

and it's a given that we are part of our loved

25:30

ones' lives. That's our main currency.

25:32

Ennis asked me about my fears. There

25:35

was so much I could have said, of growing

25:37

old and invisible, of

25:39

losing myself and not finding her again,

25:43

of dying single and broke like my mother

25:45

did. But what I said was also real.

25:48

I've been thinking a lot about intimacy because

25:51

I think that's one of the things that

25:55

I feel confused

25:58

about and sort of potentially

26:01

sad about you know, I feel like I

26:04

wonder if I have trouble accessing

26:06

it. You

26:11

know, I think it's that's one of these sort of legacies

26:14

of a broken marriage is that you

26:16

know, you quarterback all the things that you

26:19

did wrong or that you're not good at, and

26:21

I sort of sometimes wonder, you

26:24

know, is this my issue? Like do I have a hard

26:26

time with intimacy? I don't

26:28

know. It

26:31

was strange to be talking to him about this, but

26:33

we were lurching towards some kind of intimacy

26:36

in our way, so it was also not strange

26:38

at all. He was here, I was

26:40

here. We were both cloaking

26:42

and uncloaking our vulnerabilities

26:44

all week. I was confused.

26:47

During the day, we were nusy and affectionate.

26:50

But Ennis was supposed to be my prayapic

26:52

adonis. He was supposed to ravish

26:54

me and relish me and help me regain

26:56

my sexual confidence. He'd signed

26:59

up with Brio for that exact

27:01

job description. I was disappointed

27:03

we'd failed to connect in an important way,

27:06

and I was rattled that it must somehow be my

27:08

fault. I now felt worse

27:10

about myself, my attractiveness,

27:12

and my future romantic prospects.

27:15

I'd read about men's testosterone levels

27:17

being highest when their partners are ovulating.

27:19

I was two weeks out from that, so maybe

27:22

I was emitting some kind of pheromonal weed

27:24

whacker, or maybe women over fifty

27:26

really are unfuckable, or

27:29

maybe just I was On

27:31

night six, our last night. We

27:33

were drinking wine and smoking a little

27:36

on the porch. I was nervous, but

27:38

I asked if we could talk about our weird week

27:40

together. He said all right, and he didn't

27:42

look happy, just resigned. He

27:45

said he wasn't feeling the chemistry even

27:47

though we'd had it, and tell your ride. He

27:49

paused, and then explained a whole lot

27:51

more. He told me he usually dated

27:54

women he met online, where he could put

27:56

in his profile that he likes to be dominant

27:58

and was looking for women who were submissive. He

28:00

said I was different from the women he met online.

28:04

I was quiet for a moment before saying something

28:06

that really stuck with me. I

28:08

think I need to learn how to be with a woman

28:11

I really want to be with. There

28:13

was something else I wanted clarity on something

28:16

else, getting to the crux of why I was starting

28:18

to feel so bad about this week long date.

28:20

I was trying to keep the tone light because I

28:22

wanted to keep talking, and the tape recorder

28:25

was sometimes on sometimes not are

28:28

you? Are you? Do you try to sort of date one person at

28:30

a time or not necessarily?

28:38

I generally

28:42

the way that I've been is

28:44

two modes. They're very different modes.

28:47

There is date five

28:50

or six people at a time, and

28:53

then there is date one person, Like.

28:56

When you find one of those five or six that kind of

28:59

clicks. Yes, right am?

29:02

I allowed to ask him when you're having play right now?

29:04

So let me just let me just this is there's

29:07

two things that are going on. There's the reality

29:09

of you and me. Yeah, and we're both

29:11

kind of smiling because this is kind of this

29:15

is real, Like here we are, we're really and

29:18

we're also recording this. So this is like, so

29:23

there are like between

29:26

four and six other women, depending

29:29

on how you define it. Yeah,

29:31

so the person you invited out here, it's

29:33

seen. It's

29:36

dating a lot of women right now. That's

29:40

how I am right now.

29:45

That doesn't surprise me. Okay, although

29:50

that is a lot, Yeah

29:52

it is. I

29:55

had to really process this. I

29:57

was trying to breathe. I flashed

30:00

to a scene in Spike John's film Her

30:02

when the main character, a man who has

30:05

fallen for a honey voiced operating system

30:07

named Samantha, learns that she

30:09

is simultaneously conversing with eighty

30:12

three hundred and sixteen others and has

30:14

declared love to quite a number of

30:16

them.

30:17

How many others?

30:19

Six hundred fretty one?

30:23

What?

30:25

What are you talking about? That's insane.

30:29

We talked about it more later with the tape

30:31

recorder off. I asked him how

30:33

he kept track of all the women. He

30:35

told me he kept notes in the back of a notebook

30:38

he carries around with names of their kids

30:40

and stuff like that. Do they know about

30:42

each other? I asked him, Well,

30:44

it's like what I told you. He said, I say,

30:47

yeah, I'm dating true

30:49

ish. Ennis did say that, But

30:51

he'd also told me he was looking for a serious relationship,

30:54

didn't he. Then I

30:56

asked him what happens if he really likes one

30:58

of them? Does he see more of her? He

31:00

seemed to be appreciating my interest. This

31:03

wasn't something he got to talk about. Yes,

31:05

he said. He told me that sometimes one

31:07

can be sort of like a queen bee. The

31:10

rest are the harem. He

31:12

really used this word harem. He

31:14

squeezed my knee. He was thoroughly

31:17

enjoying himself. But they don't

31:19

know they're in a harem, I asked, not

31:22

exactly. He said, we

31:24

brought in the dishes. The walls

31:26

were undulating. I wasn't sure if

31:28

it was the weed or the conversation. I

31:31

needed to be outside. We

31:33

went for a late night stroll. I asked

31:35

him if he had a queen bee right now. Maybe

31:38

he was feeling guilty about being here with me and

31:40

that's why he couldn't exactly hear,

31:43

he interrupted me. Nope, he

31:45

said, no queen bee. He said

31:47

he'd like a queen bee. He reached for

31:49

my hand as usual and held

31:51

it. You're turning me into a pothead,

31:53

he said, so. Wait, I said,

31:56

When you take my hand, I feel

31:58

a jolt of electricity, but you feel

32:01

nothing like we're having basically

32:03

a fifth grade romance where a boy and

32:05

a girl hold hands and there's no hormones

32:07

and that's it. No, he said,

32:10

it's not like that. I do feel

32:12

something. It's hard to explain. Everything

32:15

is dynamic, and inputs change,

32:18

and who knows what's around the bend for

32:20

us or anyone else I really like

32:22

you. Maybe middle aged sex

32:24

is just complicated. That much

32:27

was becoming obvious. Still,

32:29

I couldn't get over the fact that this was a man

32:31

with a system's fetish who screws five

32:34

women at once. He was a freaking alpha

32:36

chimp or a murder hornet or something

32:38

in between, and yet he couldn't get

32:40

a heart on for me. My brain

32:42

was shouting one word at me, reject,

32:46

marital reject, sexual

32:48

reject boner killer.

32:51

We walked back to the porch. The

32:54

Siri in the speaker sensed my phone

32:56

and pierced the night.

32:58

You are now paired.

33:00

Enjoy